All language subtitles for 05 - Cheap Cheap

I'll get it.

I said I'd get it.

Will you open it?

Darrin, why don't you
finish breakfast.

Open it.

All right.

Thank you.

Aren't you afraid your breakfast
will get cold?

No, because I finished it.
What have you got there?

Sweetheart, now, I know how
you've been saying we should try...

and hold down expenses right now,
but this was an incredible bargain.

Honey, as long as it's something
you need, it's perfectly okay.

- What is it?
- As a matter of fact...

it was a steal. And if you
don't like it, I can take it back.

Sam, why the big fuss?

Have I ever denied you anything?
I mean, anything within reason?

Now, you make it sound
as if I were some sort of cheap...

- I'll take it back.
- Oh, no!

I was just a little surprised,
because...

Is that the coat
we saw in the store last week?

Yes. Now, Darrin, I know you thought
it was awfully expensive...

but it was marked way down.

To what?

Hundred and sixty dollars.

- I'll take it back.
- Oh, don't be silly.

I realize that with just
a little... you could zap up...

the most beautiful coat
in the world.

The fact that you found
this bargain is...

It's gratifying.

Then you don't think
I should've bought it?

Well, I think you should've
talked to me first.

- I'll take it back.
- Do what you want.

Either way, do you mind if I go to work
so I can pay for the darn thing?

Darrin, you have to tell me
whether I should take it back or not.

- I told you to keep it.
- I'll take it back.

Well, goodbye.

Mother, put that down.

Not until I put him down.

To think that you, my daughter...

whose cloak should
be mantles of moonbeams...

reduced to haggling with a full-time
cheapskate over a ratty little coat.

It just so happens that this trim
is the finest tourmaline mink.

And Darrin is not a cheapskate.
He's just careful.

That's right.

He's a careful cheapskate.

Mother, it isn't that I don't adore
hearing you rant and rave...

but would you mind doing it
somewhere else?

Somewhere else
Is where I'll do it

And when I do it
'Tis you who'll rue it

You'll see dumbo
In his true light

You won't believe
He could be so tight

Good morning, Darrin.
Boy, have I got a surprise for you.

We got the Bigelow Tire account,
and guess who's going to handle it.

Me?

- What's wrong with it?
- Now, Darrin, is that fair?

Even though I'm the boss...

haven't I carried my share
of problem accounts?

Sure you have, Lar. Right up
till the time they become problems.

Lucky for you I know
you're kidding. Right?

Right.

Mr. Bigelow's coming up
later this morning.

- Yes?
- Mrs. Stephens on one.

Thanks, Betty.

I'm going. I'll buzz you
when he gets here.

Hi, Sam.

Sweetheart, about the coat,
I just wanted you to know...

you had every right
to be annoyed.

Wait a minute, honey.
I was not annoyed.

You could've fooled me.
Anyway, I'm gonna take it back.

No, Sam, I want you to keep it.

If I seemed the least bit negative,
it was only because...

Well, I wanted this to be a surprise,
but I might as well tell you.

Tell me what?

Darrin?

Monty, morey, newt and poke
On his head this spell invoke

Up from the depths
Where it lies sleeping

The miser in him must now
Come leaping

That's a lot of money
for something that's not necessary.

- What?
- And money doesn't grow on trees.

But just a moment ago
you said I could keep it.

So what? A moment ago, you said
you were going to take it back.

Now, Sam, I've got a lot of work to do.
And time is money, you know.

Well, I won't take up any more
of your money.

Goodbye.

A penny for your thoughts.
And I know you can use the cash.

All the world loves a funny witch.

What did what's-his-name
have to say?

Darrin? Well, he thought...

Yes?

- How'd you know it was him?
- Oh, just intuition.

- What was on his little mind?
- Nothing.

Same as usual, eh?

What...?

What have you decided
to do about this?

You know, Mother, you were right.

It is kind of ratty.
I think I'll take it back.

Betty, get this in the mail
right away, please.

Yes, sir.

Betty.

What do you see on this envelope?

- Your name.
- And what else?

- Nothing.
- Exactly.

Then why did you discard it?

- Why...
- Betty...

the reason they put lines
on these envelopes...

is so you can you use them
over and over and over again.

Envelopes don't grow on trees,
you know.

- I'm sorry, I didn't realize...
- While we're on the subject...

the next time you remove pages
from my calendar...

- don't throw them away.
- What should I do with them?

Use them.

See? It's blank.

Makes perfectly good scratch paper.

- Multiply the calendar pads by 300...
- Yes?

Ask Mr. Stephens to come in.
Mr. Bigelow's here.

Be right there, Larry.

Let's get on the ball, Betty,
before it's too late.

Yes, sir.

No, I won't cry.

He'll say I'm wasting water.

Now, let me make something
quite clear, Stephens.

I've got 10 million dollars
in the bank.

And the way I got it there...

was by refusing to make
any useless expenditures.

The minute you spend one
unnecessary dollar, you're through.

And I'd deserve to be, Mr. Bigelow...

because there's no greater crime
than spending money unnecessarily.

You know, I think we're gonna
get along all right.

Stephens is right.

But on the other hand, you have
to spend money to make money.

You're only saying that, Larry,
because we're in advertising...

where we take 15 percent
off the top.

Did I tell you, Mr. Bigelow?
This boy is the kind you can't buy.

Honest, open, fearless.

- Cigar bother you?
- No, no.

Here. Care for one?

Oh, yes, thanks.

You know, you wouldn't believe it
if I told you...

how little I pay for these cigars.

I get them directly from the maker.

I'll put this up against any
5-cent cigar in the country.

Really? I'd like to get some.

Well, I can give you his name.
Jose Ortega.

- 1555 Bleeker Street, apartment four.
- Thank you.

Here, have another for later.

- Thanks.
- Mr. Bigelow...

Stephens will get to work
immediately on the new layouts.

Meanwhile, I've had the art department
redo some of your previous ads...

- to give you an idea of our approach.
- Wait a minute. I didn't request it.

It's been done at our own expense.

Well, let's look at it, by all means.

It just occurs to me.
Tires are black-and-white.

There's no need to go to the added
expense of a four-colour process.

Good thinking.

How do you like that for integrity?
Isn't he something?

All he cares about is cutting down
the costs for the client...

no matter what it costs us.

Darrin, my boy, why don't we
just step into your office...

and let Mr. Bigelow here examine
this stuff at his own tempo.

- What are you trying to do, Darrin?
- What do you mean?

That cheap act
you're putting on is great.

But what good is it
if you blow the deal?

Larry, I don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh, come off it, Darrin.
You heard Bigelow was a tightwad...

and you're trying to humour him.

Which is a great approach,
don't misunderstand me.

And when you actually took
one of those horrible cigars...

I considered it an act
of personal heroism.

I can still taste them.

You didn't even smoke one.

You don't have to smoke
one of those cigars to taste them.

I better get back to Bigelow.

What are you writing
in that book?

I'm simply recording the fact
that you owe me 3 cents.

What?

A penny for the gum,
2 cents for the cigarette.

Sam?

Sam?

- Hi, sweetheart.
- You left the outside light on.

Of course, so you could see
your way in from the garage.

I always do.

Well, between the time
you turned it on...

and I got home, you wasted
an awful lot of electricity.

It might be worth
installing a switch...

so the light can
be turned on from the garage.

Well, why be so extravagant?

You drive your car into the garage
and honk your horn...

say, three times.

I'll allow a few seconds
for you to get out of the car.

And then I'll turn on
the outside light.

You can joke if you want to.

But electricity doesn't grow
on trees, you know.

That's right. It grows
on telephone poles.

It's awfully bright in here.

Darrin, I get the message,
but why are you so concerned...

over a few cents' worth
of electricity?

A few cents here, a few cents there.
It all mounts up.

And Sam, we've got to do something
about saving money around here.

Well, I think I did my share today.
I took the coat back.

You did? Oh, that's great.

Oh, yes, that should be
quite a saving.

Well, if it makes you that happy...

I ought to buy more things
and return them.

Sam, do we need
a 100-watt bulb in there?

Forgive me for changing the subject,
but how was your day?

I've been meaning to tell you.
I got a new account today.

Bigelow Tires. The client and I
just seemed to hit it off.

Like we had something in common.

Oh, well, sweetheart, I... Well, I just
can't tell you how thrilled I am.

Thank you.

You know, I was thinking of having
Mr. Bigelow and his wife...

over to dinner.
Larry and Louise too, of course.

Why, yes, of course, sweetheart,
any time, if you...

Where did you get that?

This cigar?

That's what it is?

Bigelow. Would you believe they cost
under a nickel apiece?

That much?

Only if you buy them
from the maker.

Darrin, your Mr. Bigelow
sounds like a terrible cheapskate.

Samantha, I don't appreciate
you criticizing...

somebody that I happen to admire.

If you don't mind,
I'll change the subject.

What's for dinner?

Steak and asparagus
with hollandaise sauce.

- Oh, I better check the sauce.
- Wait a minute.

What happened
to yesterday's spaghetti?

- I threw it out.
- You what?

Sam, that's an inexcusable waste.

But you hate leftovers.

There's nothing wrong with leftovers.
In fact, I prefer them.

Well, all right.

From now on, we'll have
nothing but leftovers...

if I can just figure out
what they'll be left over from.

You've just given me
a great idea for a new product.

- What's that?
- Canned leftovers.

Lie down, sweetheart,
you've been overworking.

I'll call you when dinner's ready.

Oh, boy.

Hey.

Sorry.

I didn't realize you were in here.

Where did you think I was cooking,
in the garage?

It's curdled.

That makes two of us.

- I'll just have to throw it away.
- Are you kidding?

I love curdles.

Darrin, what's gotten into you?
You nev...

Mother. Mother's been at it again.

At what again?

She's turned you
into a terrible cheapskate.

I beg your pardon.
In what way have I been cheap?

Listen, do you think
tomorrow night's too soon...

to ask Mr. Bigelow and his wife
to dinner?

Oh, no, I don't think so.

From what you've told me, I'm sure
he'd jump at the offer of a free meal.

You're right. I know I would.

I'll call him from the office tomorrow.

What do you suggest I serve?
Veal birds?

What are veal birds?

Fake chicken legs on a stick
made of ground-up veal.

Hey, that might be kind of novel.
And it's inexpensive?

- And cheap.
- Sounds perfect.

I was only kidding.

Although in your condition,
I should know better than to risk it.

I certainly am glad you can come,
Mr. Bigelow.

I hope you don't feel I was
too presumptuous in asking you.

After all, we just met yesterday.

It was an important meeting for me.
It was like meeting a kindred spirit.

Oh, well, you don't have to do that.

But if you insist on bringing
some wine, there'll be six of us.

Yes, a gallon should be plenty.

Everything okay?
They'll be here any minute.

- I'm practically set.
- How are the veal birds doing?

That's funny.
They look just like prime rib.

- It is a prime rib.
- Darrin, don't you understand?

- This is a business dinner. Now, you...
- Of course.

Business dinner. Split the cost
of the prime rib with Larry.

- That's good thinking, Sam.
- Darrin, don't you dare ask Larry to...!

I'll get it.

Mother? Mother, I'm gonna make
one last appeal to you...

before this evening
turns into a disaster.

Now, you come back here immediately
and take that spell off.

Well, there's nothing to do
but try and remove it myself.

Which is half foolish
and half useless.

But I'm desperate.

Come right in.

How are you, Mr. Bigelow?
And this must be Mrs. Bigelow.

How do you do?
Very nice to meet you.

- Let me take your things.
- Thank you.

- You know Mr. and Mrs. Tate.
- Oh, yes, we drove up together.

- It was perfect timing. Where's Sam?
- Sam?

My, what a lovely home.

Thanks very much.
Won't you sit down?

Creepy cheapie Take a chance

On a triple dose Of extravagance

We should move
to the country, dear.

The commuting gets expensive,
doesn't it, Stephens?

Yes, it does. I've been thinking
of organizing a car pool.

Good idea.

Sam?

This is my wife.
Mr. and Mrs. Bigelow.

- How do you do?
- Mr. Bigelow, Mrs. Bigelow.

- How do you do?
- Samantha.

- Hi, Sam.
- Oh, hi, La...

Oh, I'm sorry. Cigar bother you?

Oh, no. No, I love the smell
of a good cigar.

Well, I wish I had one. This is awful.

That's what I've been trying
to tell you for 20 years.

I love them. I'm gonna order some.

If you do, you're crazy.

But... But they're so cheap.

Look, you get what you pay for.

If you haven't learned that,
you don't know a thing.

Darrin, how about some drinks
before dinner?

Good idea. You get the glasses,
I'll pour the wine.

Mrs. Stephens,
that roast was sheer delight.

I haven't had prime rib in years.

- Oh, doctor's orders?
- No, banker's.

We ought to have prime rib
once in a while.

Well, yes, dear. I'll start saving.

Have one of these coronas.

Why, thank you.

Aren't those awfully expensive?

Two dollars apiece.

Two dollars!

Well, if you want the best,
you gotta pay for it.

Dear, are you sure
you wouldn't like a bromide?

No, of course not.

Oh, incidentally...

what would you think
of the Andy Douglas Show...

for Bigelow Tires? I hear
they're shopping for a sponsor.

Oh, Mr. Bigelow...

in the presentation I'm preparing,
I recommend that you buy a show...

called Spot the Place.
It's a game show.

And it's a much better buy
on a cost per thousand.

I'm not interested in a better buy.

I like the Andy Douglas Show.

- That'll cost you a fortune.
- Yes.

Besides, if you wanna make money,
you've gotta spend money, right?

Tate, I wanna talk
about my account...

and how it's going to be handled.

And who's going to handle it.

Excuse me.

There's something I have to remove.

From the stove?

Not exactly.

I don't know what's gotten
into my husband...

but I hope it never wears off.

I thought you had to do something,
Samantha.

I'll do it later...

if it isn't too late.

As far as I'm concerned...

Andy Douglas
is a funny, funny man.

- One of the funniest.
- At those prices, he better be.

- But at the same time, he's warm.
- One of the warmest.

The emcee of this game show
is warm and cheap.

I'll never forget
the benefit Andy did...

for the League
for Animal Assistance.

I'm chairman of their annual
fund drive, you know.

Is that right? You know,
that's a great charity.

I've always admired
the work they do.

You have?

How much can I put you down for?

Well, naturally, I have
my own charities...

but I'd be glad to give
a token contribution.

Well, every little bit helps,
you know.

Put you down for 5?

Fine.

Stephens, how about you? Perhaps
you'd care to give something.

Mr. Bigelow, I hope you're not
going to misunderstand this.

Charities are all well and good...

Well.

Well, what took you so long?

I guess things did get a little
out of hand, didn't they?

A lit...?
Mother, I'll never forgive you.

But I'll think it over if you take
that spell off Darrin this instant.

All right.

Weebus, wallabus Teetle bell

The time has come
To alter the spell

Rumbus, reebus Apple pan soak

The spell I wove I now revoke

I wish I had said that.

Mother, wait a minute.

Okay.

And I think your charity
is one of the best.

So you can put me down
for the same amount as Larry.

Well, thank you, gentlemen.
That's very generous of you.

Tate, 5. Stephens, 5.

You know, 1000 dollars goes
a long way for a stray dog or cat.

It goes a long way for a human too.

I tell you, I've never seen a change
come over a man like that. Have you?

Once in a while.

Mrs. Bigelow certainly left here
on a cloud, didn't she?

Yeah. I'm not even going to say
I'm mad at your mother...

because that would be
the understatement of the year.

- Would you get the cups, please?
- Yeah.

If she ever tries anything
like that again, I'll...

You'll what?

If you're trying to show me how small
you feel because of what you did...

- forget it. You'll...
- Darrin.

Darrin, don't let her size fool you.

There's nothing small
about her powers.

- What are you doing in there?
- Resting, darling.

Oddly enough, I'm glad you're here.

Putting that spell on me
was bad enough...

but taking it off when you did
was really rotten timing.

Oh, don't make such a fuss.

You know as well as I do that
that 500 dollars is tax-deducible...

or whatever you people call it.

That's not the point.

Now I don't know if I can afford
the gift I bought you.

You bought me something?
What is it? Let me see.

Don't peek.

If he's giving something...

this I have to see.

Oh, Mother, stop it.

Oh, Darrin!

No wonder you acted so funny
about the one I bought.

Well, naturally, I was
a little disappointed.

- Well, why didn't you tell me?
- I was going to...

when something came over me.

- Mother?
- What?

You ready to say uncle?