All language subtitles for 36 - Invitation To An Accident

Good evening, parents.

And welcome once again
to Uncle Alfred's story book.

We thought it would be refreshing to
present a children's program at night,

after the little darlings were in bed,

so that adults could
watch it undisturbed

and without all that peanut
butter on the picture tube.

Tonight's fairytale comes
to you slightly expurgated.

We felt that there were certain
parts of it unsuitable for adults.

Therefore, we have cut that part

where the stepmother is forced
to dance in red-hot metal shoes,

and the scene where the prettiest
daughter has her hands cut off,

as well as the bit about the old
servant being turned into a toad.

We also omitted the part where the
dwarf falls into the boiling cauldron,

where the raven plucks
out the king's eyes

and where the magic staff
beats the old witch to a pulp.

Admittedly, our story has
lost some of its punch.

But we deem the deletions necessary,

because adults just don't have the
same sense of humor as their children.

And now...

"Once upon a time,
there was a wicked old king.

Three-timed, each half hour, he would look
into the glass in his living room and ask,

'Mirror, mirror on the wall,

whose product is the best of all?'

And the mirror would answer..."

It's very kind of you, my dear.

Thank you, my dear, I'd
like to give more parties,

but I find them a little sad now.

The old order is passing.

I don't want to alarm you, Mrs. Bedsole,

but Virgilia is out
in the garden with a man,

and it's not her husband.

I do wish she would show a little
discretion in her flirtations.

I rather suspect there's
something more than that.

She's with her ex-husband.

Cam? Oh, this is too bad of him.

I'm going to have to speak
to that nephew of mine.

I'm afraid the damage is done.

Her husband has been drinking
and might get violent.

Well, don't just sit here, Albert.

Get out there and tell
Virgilia to behave herself.

Yes, of course.

Sorry to intrude.

Oh, Albert, you did
give me quite a start.

No doubt.
Good evening, Cam.

Well, Albert.
How are you, old man?

Very fit.

I hated to break in, but I
thought Virgilia should know

her present husband is showing
signs of becoming disagreeable.

Oh, is he drinking too much?

I should say he is just one drink
away from coming out to find you.

Oh, Cam, you'd better run along.

Joseph gets very upset
about things like this.

Well, since I am a devout
coward, good night one and all.

Yes, I think you should go in.

Oh, Albert, you're always
my knight in shining armor.

You're one of those enduring
things of a crazy world.

Oh, here you are.

I've turned the place
upside down looking for you.

Sure you have.
Who helped you look?

I think it's just about time we
started home now, don't you, dear?

Why?
Is the party over?

Who were you outside with?

Let's don't make a scene now, Joseph.

- I want to know who he is!
- Joseph!

You were gone for over an hour.

You're being unreasonable, dear.

Those are old childhood friends of mine.

And I haven't seen them
since we were married.

It's only natural that I'd want
to talk to as many as possible.

Virgie?

Yes, dear?

I don't want to cut you
off from your friends.

Just because we're married,
there's no reason to...

Well, I mean, you go ahead and
see anybody you want anytime.

I want you to keep your old friends.

Well, that's very sweet of you, dear.

I'd like to be friends
with them, too.

Virgie... I'll tell you
what, why don't we...

Why don't we have somebody
over for dinner Friday night?

Anybody you want.

That's a very nice idea, but are
you sure that you wouldn't mind?

Yeah, I'd like it.
I really would.

Well, that's wonderful.

And I know just who I'll invite.

Oh?

A very old admirer.

Good.

Albert! How nice to see you.

And you, my dear, as lovely as ever.

You have a little bald spot.

It would be comforting to find
some small mark of time on you.

But you haven't changed since
your first dancing class.

Dear Albert.

Do you realize that it has been
almost a year since you were here last?

It's not quite the same now, you
know. You're ex-husband didn't...

Didn't seem to mind
an old admirer calling,

but I'm not so sure about this one.

Oh, this is Joseph's idea
to have you to dinner.

Come on.

Joseph, you remember Albert, don't you?

- Sure. How are you, Al?
- Good to see you.

What are you drinking?
Manhattan or whiskey?

Would you have any sherry?

Sherry?

Oh, yeah, sure, I guess there's
some around the house somewhere.

Well, make yourself at home, Al.

Any friend of Virgie's, you know...

Dinner will be ready shortly.

I just want to talk
and talk and talk.

There's so much to catch up on,
I feel as though if I'd been away.

Thank you.

What have you been doing, Albert?

Oh, life goes on pretty much the same.

Civic committees, charity
lunches, that sort of thing.

And you just love that, don't you?

Yes, I suppose so.

It gives one a sense of permanency.

What's that?

That's the scaffolding
banging against the house.

I'm having it repainted
and those fools

were too lazy to take it down
when they quit for the day.

They couldn't know the wind
was going to blow, Joseph.

Virgie, they're just too lazy
to take it down, that's all!

Don't get upset, Joseph.

Who's upset?

Dinner is served, ma'am.

Thank you, Flora.

Come on, Al, let's eat.

I'm for progress, Al. I believe
in keeping up property values.

And that doesn't mean septic
tanks, that means... Sewers.

That's right!
They're an absolute...

Albert, would you like
some more coffee?

No, thank you.
I've had enough.

Then I'll have another cup.

Joseph's made a lot of
improvements around the house, too.

You should just see the wrought
iron furniture that he made

for the garden with his own hands.

I don't think Al's
interested in my hobbies.

Oh, quite the contrary.

Let me show them to you, then.

Joseph will be out soon as he
finishes his coffee, won't you, Joseph?

Yes, yes, you two run along.

Virgie, I'll bring your coat out.
It's probably a little cool out there.

See that?

With his own hands.

Come on, I'll show you the porch.

By all means.

Albert, have you heard anything
about Cam and me lately?

Should there be?

Well, I hope not, but I've
been seeing quite a lot of him.

Good heavens.
What for?

Albert, you never lose
your aplomb, do you?

Well, what do you expect me to say?

Good luck? Carry on?

But you don't mean that, because
you don't approve, do you?

You can hardly expect
me to condone it.

On the other hand, I must confess,

I have a lot more respect for
Cam than I do for Joseph Pond.

Albert, you just can't
imagine how it's been lately.

It's like living with an adage.
All work and no play.

Joseph has laboriously constructed my
happiness ever since we were married.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I just feel like
I don't want to go on living.

Now, my dear.

You should have married me, Albert.

You must know I've always
been very fond of you.

Oh, dear Albert.

I'm afraid you prefer to have a woman
on your arms, rather than one in them.

It seems that everything I say to
you comes out in the form of advice,

but I wondered if you've considered
the danger of what you're doing.

My impression of your husband is
that he could become rather violent.

Primitive is the word, isn't it?

Oh, Albert, what should I do?

I can think of only
one possible solution.

Stop seeing Cam.

Oh, Albert, I knew you'd say that.
Just knew it!

There's the forge!

- That's the forge.
- That's the forge.

Would you like to go and listen
to some high fidelity recordings?

- Albert?
- Hmm?

Oh.

Oh, blast!
The latch is on.

Virgilia!

Virgilia?

Virgilia!

The doctor said she's gonna be all right.
He gave her a slight sedative.

Oh, in all the excitement,
I forgot to thank you.

You saved her life, Al.

Oh, I didn't do anything.

What I don't understand is
how the rope could break.

It's new. Brand new.
A good half-inch thick.

That didn't break,
it's frayed through.

Must have been a sliver
of iron from the pulley.

Sure, you can see
where it's worn away.

Probably the wind and the weight of
the plank broke these last few strands.

I think we both need a drink, Al.

18,

19,

20.

I'm getting out of condition.
I've got no wind.

I'd better start watching myself.

No wind.

No wind!

There was no wind
when the scaffold fell.

Why did Joseph say
there was a wind?

Hello, Virgilia? Albert.
Are you all right?

A bit dopey, but fully recovered.

I'm sorry about the way
I folded on you last night.

I mean, really all right.

Of course. It's very
sweet of you to call.

I'm always such a bother to people.

Virgilia, have any other accidents
happened to you recently?

One is quite enough, thank you.

What do you mean, Albert?

Oh, nothing really.

I do worry about you, you know.

Well, goodbye.

Goodbye.

Good evening, Mr. Magnum.

Good evening, Flora.
I believe I'm expected.

Oh, yes, indeed. Mrs. Pond
called a little while ago.

She's sorry she's been detained,
but she'll be here shortly.

And how is Mr. Pond, this evening?

He's napping, sir.
Shall I tell him you're here?

I think I'll wait until
Mrs. Pond gets here.

Yes, sir.

Mrs. Bedsole, Joseph Pond
is going to murder Virgilia.

Albert, I know Virgilia is
an exasperating young woman...

I told you, I saw it!

Are you referring to that wretched
business about the scaffolding?

Yes.

He's going to try arsenic next.

I saw a container of it in his workshop.

But it's missing now!

I hope you're not letting your
imagination run away with you.

At this very moment,
Joseph Pond is lying in his bed

recovering from what the
doctor diagnosed as ptomaine.

I tell you, Mrs. Bedsole,
I know it's arsenic poisoning!

He intended it for her,
but accidently took it himself.

I suppose it's because of this
ridiculous business with Cam.

The problem is how to protect Virgilia.

That's what the police are for.

No, no, that wouldn't do.
I told you I've no proof.

I would think once this man, Pond, knew
the police were aware of his intentions,

that would be sufficient to stop him.

But then it would all
become public knowledge.

And think of what that would
do to a woman like Virgilia.

Albert, you must
confront this man, Pond.

I?

You want to help Virgilia, don't you?

Yes. Yes, of course.

Yes, I believe you're right.

I will simply make it clear
that I am watching him,

so he won't dare
go ahead with his plan.

Albert! Flora said you'd come and gone.
I'm so sorry I wasn't here.

How is your husband?

Well, I don't know. I haven't
been up, yet. I just got home.

- I'd like to have a word with him.
- Come along.

Albert, I think you better
let me wake him up first.

Oh, you're awake.

Albert came to see you.

Well, that was nice of you, Al.

Good evening.
How do you feel?

Well, good as new.
Doc says I can get up tomorrow.

Wants me to take some time off.

Go hunting or some
silly thing like that.

Might not be such a bad thing.

Well, that's what
I've been telling him.

Darling, you really do work too hard.

Well, if you come along with me.

I don't think I'm the campfire type.

Well, I can't quite picture myself
going off into the wilderness all alone.

Well, what about you going along, Al?

Hunting?

Well, if you don't care about
hunting, what about some...

How about some surf-fishing?

I know a place just below the border

that's got the cleanest,
whitest sand you've ever seen.

Of course, I haven't
been there in 10 years,

but if the tourists haven't found it...

What do you think, Al?
Could you stand my company?

You know, it's not a bad notion.

It'll give us a chance to talk.

Yeah.

Of all the stupid things to do, go
and leave the coffee pot at home.

You sure you didn't
leave it in the car?

Yeah, I looked everywhere.
I just forgot to pack it, that's all.

Well, we'll simply have to
make the best of it with a can.

Well, it will be a pretty strong
brew, but it will be coffee.

I wonder why we give up
all this? All this peace.

Simply to crowd ourselves into cities.

Probably to get a good cup of coffee.

But do we gain anything worthwhile?

Protection mostly.

Protect property.

That comes first.

That's the main reason families
herded together into cities.

As a matter of fact, I'd still
like to live on a ranch, Al.

But I can't get Virgie
to sell that old barn.

That's one of the finest
old homes on Bedsole Drive.

Old is right.

But you do agree that the irritations
of the city disappear out in the open.

It's the congestion!

That causes jealousy and the
unnatural deaths that follow.

What kind of deaths aren't natural?

Oh.

War, for example, and...

And murder, if you want to
include the petty things.

Well, I've never thought
much about murder being petty.

I mean, that most motives
for murder are pretty slight

considering the penalty for it.

Well, that is if the murderer is caught.

But they never expect to be.

You mean, you think he'd give up
the notion if he knew he'd be caught?

Sure. Unless he's a complete fool.

I knew of a man who
intended to commit a murder.

Do I know him?

I doubt it.

But he didn't go through with it?

No.

A third person, who was a friend

of both the intended murderer
and his victim, intervened.

How?

Well, being a practical fellow, this
third person invited the murderer

to weigh the consequences against the
small satisfaction of killing his wife.

Why? Was she unfaithful?

Yes, I believe that was the motive.

I thought so.

It's very similar
to a situation I knew of.

The husband knew his wife was
playing around, and it hit him hard.

It's pretty funny in itself.

This fellow is kind of... I
guess you could call him a slob.

But he happens to love his wife.

The two stories aren't quite the same.

I think they are, Al.

You see, this fellow set
out to protect his property.

Protect it, Al, not destroy it.

The way he did it was very simple.

He urged his wife to bring
her friends to the house.

He was pretty sure who she'd bring.

And I think he was right.

He saw them together in the garden.

But no... That's not...

Let me finish.

This husband I'm talking about
specializes in accidents.

Only he slipped up
on his first attempt.

It seems this friend of his
wife's was the gallant type.

You know, getting her chair, lighting
her cigarettes, opening doors for her.

It was a cinch.

All my friend had to do was wait for him
to leap ahead of madam and open a door.

There he'd be, nobly bowing and scraping.

A great big target.

But for some reason
Sir Galahad was lagging.

His wife almost got it instead.

But the second time around,
he made no mistakes.

He got his wife's lover to go camping
with him in a very lonely place.

He arranged for another
accident to take place.

It seems they boiled
some coffee in a can.

Both men got arsenic poisoning.

But the husband had built up
a tolerance against arsenic.

And I understand
he's going to get well.

But there's no hope for the lover.

But it isn't me.
It's Cam.

Cam?

Cam.

And everyone lived happily ever after.

I will admit, Albert
might be an exception.

He didn't look at all well
in that last scene.

But Pond lived on and on.

He's one of the happiest persons
in the state penitentiary.

He works in the prison nursery.

So much for the magical
world of make believe.

Now, for some grim realities,
after which I shall skip back.

I would like to add
just one more commercial

before bidding adieu for another week.

Parents, are you looking for
sand for the kiddies to play in?

Why not buy the best?

Insist on Quick.

Q-U-I-C-K.

Quick sand.
Good night.