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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,475 --> 00:00:08,216
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,316 --> 00:00:11,757
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,757 --> 00:00:14,061
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:14,061 --> 00:00:17,502
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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00:00:17,602 --> 00:00:21,142
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,142 --> 00:00:22,812
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy. ♪
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Sorry I'm late.
Had a family emergency
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00:00:35,572 --> 00:00:38,811
with, um... I don't know.
I want to say Chris?
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00:00:38,911 --> 00:00:40,447
Uh, I wasn't listening
super close.
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00:00:40,447 --> 00:00:42,552
Why don't you sit down
and drink beer
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00:00:42,552 --> 00:00:45,424
and tell us about it instead of
being home with your family?
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00:00:45,424 --> 00:00:47,494
Apparently, Chris and his
girlfriend broke up.
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00:00:47,494 --> 00:00:49,833
Something about her wanting
to see other people.
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00:00:49,933 --> 00:00:52,572
So the doctor says
this surgery is gonna
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00:00:52,572 --> 00:00:53,874
restore my eyesight.
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00:00:54,008 --> 00:00:55,712
What? Oh, no.
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00:00:55,712 --> 00:00:56,914
"Oh, no"?
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00:00:57,014 --> 00:00:59,586
But I thought you'd be happy,
Colin Farrell.
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00:00:59,686 --> 00:01:01,957
Oi, blimey. Uh, get stuffed.
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00:01:01,957 --> 00:01:04,128
I'm-I'm gonna see other birds.
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00:01:04,128 --> 00:01:06,366
G-Good day, mate.
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00:01:06,366 --> 00:01:10,307
Don't look. Don't look.
I think that's Colin Farrell.
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00:01:10,307 --> 00:01:12,612
And this girl
was his first love.
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00:01:12,612 --> 00:01:14,983
Poor Chris.
He was sobbing his eyes out
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00:01:14,983 --> 00:01:16,252
when I abruptly left.
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First loves always
hit the hardest.
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I'll say. I still remember
my first real love.
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Seems like yesterday.
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Why, just thinking back on her
makes everything
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all shimmery and distorted.
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I was working
for Federal Express,
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00:01:29,445 --> 00:01:31,182
like Tom Hanks in Cast Away.
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00:01:31,282 --> 00:01:33,253
And just like Tom Hanks
in Cast Away,
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I said the words
"Federal Express"
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00:01:35,257 --> 00:01:36,694
a suspicious number of times.
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00:01:36,827 --> 00:01:39,700
Excuse me, miss. Asking
as a Federal Express employee,
40
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may I please get a refill
of iced tea very quickly,
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00:01:42,639 --> 00:01:45,010
the way Federal Express
delivers parcels?
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00:01:45,010 --> 00:01:47,047
There was only one thing
I loved more
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00:01:47,047 --> 00:01:48,918
than corporate-branded content,
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00:01:49,018 --> 00:01:51,489
and that was my fiancée,
Helen Hunt.
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JOE: Hubba-hubba.
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00:01:52,592 --> 00:01:54,061
QUAGMIRE:
Darn right hubba-hubba.
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You know how most guys
want their girlfriends
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00:01:55,965 --> 00:01:57,468
to look like a pissy bird?
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Well, I was living the dream.
50
00:01:59,673 --> 00:02:01,142
You're 17 seconds late.
51
00:02:01,142 --> 00:02:03,013
I am a Federal Express employee
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00:02:03,013 --> 00:02:04,783
who is very obsessed with time.
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Well, that's my fiancé.
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00:02:06,486 --> 00:02:09,158
Give me a kiss, you
time-obsessed beardless man
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00:02:09,158 --> 00:02:11,530
who is unable to spear
a fish with a sharpened stick.
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QUAGMIRE: Remember
all that stuff for later.
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Mm, oh, I can't wait
to do more than kiss.
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00:02:16,272 --> 00:02:17,909
Only three more days
till the wedding.
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00:02:18,043 --> 00:02:20,314
Yep. I've got just
one last flight
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00:02:20,314 --> 00:02:23,320
across the Planecrash Sea,
and then I'm all yours.
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00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:24,956
QUAGMIRE: Little did I know.
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I'll never forget
that fateful day.
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00:02:27,194 --> 00:02:29,198
Looking back,
I never should have
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00:02:29,298 --> 00:02:30,868
tried to do two fantasy
football drafts
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00:02:30,968 --> 00:02:32,171
while flying a plane.
66
00:02:32,171 --> 00:02:35,978
- I ended up with four defenses.
- Ugh!
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00:02:35,978 --> 00:02:37,281
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER:
FE-117,
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00:02:37,281 --> 00:02:38,951
looks like
you got rough weather.
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00:02:38,951 --> 00:02:40,387
Maybe you should just
do auto-draft
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00:02:40,487 --> 00:02:42,157
for your fantasy leagues, over.
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00:02:42,157 --> 00:02:43,928
Uh, negative, negative, Control.
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00:02:43,928 --> 00:02:45,631
I am heterosexual, over.
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00:02:45,732 --> 00:02:48,069
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: Ha.
There's that clean-shaven guy
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00:02:48,069 --> 00:02:49,506
who cannot spear a fish
with a stick
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00:02:49,506 --> 00:02:51,442
that we all know and love.
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00:02:52,177 --> 00:02:53,279
Damn it.
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00:02:53,380 --> 00:02:55,484
Too bad I'm in an airplane
and can only go
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00:02:55,484 --> 00:02:58,256
straight into a storm
and not over or around.
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00:02:58,356 --> 00:03:00,494
Wait, I think the storm
is breaking up.
80
00:03:00,595 --> 00:03:02,999
I was gonna make it, but then
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00:03:03,099 --> 00:03:05,437
the plane got hit
by lightning.
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00:03:05,437 --> 00:03:06,239
Oh!
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00:03:06,239 --> 00:03:07,675
And I somehow drafted the punter
84
00:03:07,776 --> 00:03:09,646
Jeff Feagles
in the second round.
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00:03:09,646 --> 00:03:10,815
Oh!
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00:03:10,815 --> 00:03:13,319
And it was all over.
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00:03:17,327 --> 00:03:20,768
I was all alone
on an uncharted island.
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00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:21,870
What could I do?
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00:03:21,870 --> 00:03:23,373
Definitely not spear a fish
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00:03:23,373 --> 00:03:24,876
with a hand-sharpened stick.
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00:03:24,876 --> 00:03:27,114
'Cause remember, that was a
complete non-starter for me.
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00:03:27,247 --> 00:03:29,285
If I wanted to make it back
to my Helen,
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00:03:29,385 --> 00:03:31,389
I'd need to find a way
to survive.
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00:03:31,389 --> 00:03:34,295
Luckily I had a whole
plane's worth of FedEx parcels
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00:03:34,295 --> 00:03:35,531
I could open and use.
96
00:03:35,631 --> 00:03:37,502
Oh, please be food.
Please be food.
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00:03:37,502 --> 00:03:40,474
Oh, thank God, I'm saved.
Peanut brittle.
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00:03:40,474 --> 00:03:41,309
Aah!
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00:03:41,309 --> 00:03:43,246
"From Peter Griffin."
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00:03:43,246 --> 00:03:45,852
PETER:
(laughs) Gotcha. Continue.
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QUAGMIRE:
But then I opened the most important package of all.
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My only friend on the island.
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00:03:51,195 --> 00:03:54,435
I'm gonna call you Wilson,
after Rita Wilson,
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00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:57,107
the most beautiful and talented
woman in Hollywood.
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00:03:57,107 --> 00:03:59,846
The true first lady
of American culture.
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00:03:59,946 --> 00:04:02,451
I swear, I didn't say
all that stuff just so Tom Hanks
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00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:03,921
would let us do this movie.
108
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:08,798
(grunts)
109
00:04:08,798 --> 00:04:10,000
Character development.
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00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,402
I had been on that island
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00:04:11,402 --> 00:04:12,572
for four years.
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00:04:12,672 --> 00:04:14,275
Man, I've been on this island
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00:04:14,275 --> 00:04:16,446
for somewhere between
two and seven years.
114
00:04:16,446 --> 00:04:19,084
I'm not sure which 'cause I'm
no longer obsessed with time.
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00:04:19,084 --> 00:04:20,353
That's more character development.
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00:04:20,353 --> 00:04:22,424
Anyway, all these years later,
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00:04:22,424 --> 00:04:25,096
I still couldn't get
Helen Hunt out of my mind.
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I was going nuts
thinking about her.
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00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,604
Oh, Helen...
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00:04:28,737 --> 00:04:31,075
Oh come on, get it together.
Think of something else.
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00:04:31,175 --> 00:04:34,081
Think of anything besides
Helen Hunt.
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Oh, almost Helen Hunt.
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00:04:36,052 --> 00:04:37,555
Enough was enough.
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00:04:37,555 --> 00:04:40,561
I decided to build a raft
and get back to my beloved.
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00:04:40,561 --> 00:04:42,264
But what to make
the raft out of?
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00:04:42,264 --> 00:04:44,135
Got to be something
I can use.
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00:04:44,135 --> 00:04:46,272
What floats?
What floats?
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00:04:46,372 --> 00:04:48,944
Mm, definitely not these
footballs for Tom Brady.
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00:04:50,147 --> 00:04:51,683
Straight to the bottom.
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00:04:57,896 --> 00:04:59,699
I wonder.
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00:04:59,699 --> 00:05:00,935
Aah!
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00:05:00,935 --> 00:05:03,607
PETER:
(laughs) Two for two. Continue.
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00:05:03,707 --> 00:05:05,243
QUAGMIRE:
I was able to float away
134
00:05:05,343 --> 00:05:07,816
on a raft made
out of the giant joke box.
135
00:05:07,916 --> 00:05:11,289
It was me and Wilson and
this one other kind of lame guy.
136
00:05:11,289 --> 00:05:12,659
Boy, you hoist a sail,
137
00:05:12,759 --> 00:05:15,163
then where did the wind go?
Am I right?
138
00:05:15,163 --> 00:05:16,967
I just saw you
take a dump in the ocean.
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00:05:16,967 --> 00:05:18,971
I'm not really
looking to chat.
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00:05:20,307 --> 00:05:21,543
Days passed.
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00:05:21,543 --> 00:05:23,346
Wilson and I were all alone.
142
00:05:23,446 --> 00:05:27,421
No drinking water
and no food, except...
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00:05:27,421 --> 00:05:28,757
Nope, not this time.
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00:05:28,757 --> 00:05:30,661
PETER:
Eh, you're no fun. Continue.
145
00:05:30,661 --> 00:05:33,333
QUAGMIRE:
But then disaster struck.
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00:05:42,284 --> 00:05:44,288
Aah! Aah!
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00:05:44,388 --> 00:05:46,994
No. No! Wilson!
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00:05:48,263 --> 00:05:49,599
Eventually I moved on
149
00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:52,739
and largely forgot about Wilson.
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00:05:52,839 --> 00:05:55,076
(piano playing)
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00:06:11,342 --> 00:06:12,679
Why are you smiling, honey?
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00:06:12,679 --> 00:06:15,050
Oh, I used to bone
that volleyball.
153
00:06:18,356 --> 00:06:19,826
I don't remember much
after that.
154
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:23,333
Apparently I was picked up
by some cargo ship.
155
00:06:23,433 --> 00:06:24,636
But then,
wouldn't you know it,
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00:06:24,636 --> 00:06:27,374
the ship got taken over
by Somali pirates.
157
00:06:27,374 --> 00:06:29,478
Look at me.
Look at me.
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00:06:29,579 --> 00:06:31,917
We are doing this movie now.
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00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:34,221
QUAGMIRE:
Then that Somali pirate did a bunch of stuff
160
00:06:34,221 --> 00:06:35,591
and then nothing else
ever again,
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00:06:35,691 --> 00:06:37,461
and eventually I got back home.
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00:06:37,562 --> 00:06:39,465
After years and years away,
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00:06:39,465 --> 00:06:42,371
it was finally time
to see my Helen.
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00:06:42,371 --> 00:06:44,275
Oh, my God, you're alive.
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00:06:44,275 --> 00:06:46,312
I thought about you
every day, Helen.
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00:06:46,412 --> 00:06:48,617
You're the reason I stayed alive
all these years.
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00:06:48,717 --> 00:06:50,988
I never stopped loving you.
168
00:06:50,988 --> 00:06:52,926
I'm-I'm sorry.
169
00:06:52,926 --> 00:06:55,196
I got back together
with Paul Reiser.
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00:06:55,297 --> 00:06:56,332
What?
171
00:06:56,332 --> 00:06:57,502
We did a Mad About You reboot
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00:06:57,602 --> 00:06:58,771
on Spectrum Originals.
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00:06:58,871 --> 00:07:00,273
QUAGMIRE:
Which just sounds fake.
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00:07:00,373 --> 00:07:01,610
I mean, did you watch
any of that?
175
00:07:01,610 --> 00:07:03,146
Do you even know anyone who...
176
00:07:03,146 --> 00:07:06,385
I-I... Like, I literally
do not know one person
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00:07:06,385 --> 00:07:08,289
who saw, like,
a single minute of that.
178
00:07:08,389 --> 00:07:09,626
I'm so sorry.
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00:07:09,626 --> 00:07:12,264
QUAGMIRE:
I was devastated.
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00:07:12,264 --> 00:07:14,502
Helen was my first true love--
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00:07:14,603 --> 00:07:16,472
the only woman I ever wanted--
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00:07:16,472 --> 00:07:18,544
and she had moved on
without me.
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00:07:18,644 --> 00:07:20,881
Fortunately, five years later,
they invented
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00:07:20,881 --> 00:07:22,852
portable pornography
on telephones,
185
00:07:22,852 --> 00:07:24,856
and I've literally never
thought about her since.
186
00:07:32,639 --> 00:07:36,647
Well, that was a touching tale
of first love, Quagmire.
187
00:07:36,647 --> 00:07:39,318
And I googled Spectrum
Originals, by the way.
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00:07:39,418 --> 00:07:42,525
Found nothing.
Zero matches.
189
00:07:42,525 --> 00:07:44,529
Nothing on Ask Jeeves either,
190
00:07:44,529 --> 00:07:47,301
but they don't always
have everything.
191
00:07:47,301 --> 00:07:49,438
Anyway, I remember
my first love.
192
00:07:49,438 --> 00:07:51,877
It's quite an interesting story.
193
00:07:51,877 --> 00:07:54,348
Okay, guess
I'll be going last tonight.
194
00:07:54,348 --> 00:07:57,622
This was back
in the early '60s.
195
00:07:57,722 --> 00:08:00,026
I was working
at a hoity-toity camp
196
00:08:00,126 --> 00:08:01,295
for rich Jewish people.
197
00:08:01,395 --> 00:08:02,532
PETER:
Are you Jewish in this?
198
00:08:02,632 --> 00:08:04,536
JOE:
(laughs) No.
199
00:08:04,636 --> 00:08:06,840
- I was a dance instructor.
- ♪ ♪
200
00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:08,711
Anyway, this camp
was highly renowned
201
00:08:08,711 --> 00:08:11,850
for offering exclusively
clean dancing.
202
00:08:11,950 --> 00:08:14,723
You are the cleanest dancer
I ever met.
203
00:08:14,723 --> 00:08:16,593
It's why we come here
every year.
204
00:08:16,693 --> 00:08:18,964
JOE:
But all the while, I was being watched
205
00:08:19,064 --> 00:08:21,970
by the prettiest girl
in the camp.
206
00:08:22,070 --> 00:08:25,811
Her name was Jennifer Schnozz,
and I saw her everywhere.
207
00:08:25,811 --> 00:08:29,318
Seems like she was always
sniffing around someplace.
208
00:08:29,318 --> 00:08:30,821
QUAGMIRE:
Okay.
209
00:08:30,921 --> 00:08:33,694
JOE:
Daytimes were reserved for clean dancing,
210
00:08:33,827 --> 00:08:35,564
but at night,
someone would bring
211
00:08:35,664 --> 00:08:38,302
a very large watermelon
to the staff cabin,
212
00:08:38,302 --> 00:08:39,471
and for some reason,
that meant
213
00:08:39,572 --> 00:08:42,044
it was time for dirty dancing.
214
00:08:42,044 --> 00:08:43,981
(cheering)
215
00:08:44,081 --> 00:08:46,185
♪ ♪
216
00:08:46,285 --> 00:08:48,356
JOE:
We had booze, sexy music,
217
00:08:48,456 --> 00:08:50,460
and because it was August
by a lake,
218
00:08:50,594 --> 00:08:52,164
lots of mosquitos.
219
00:08:52,164 --> 00:08:54,268
(buzzing)
220
00:08:57,675 --> 00:09:00,346
My favorite partner
was Dancy McGee.
221
00:09:00,346 --> 00:09:02,585
She was the best dancer
on the staff,
222
00:09:02,585 --> 00:09:04,622
as you can tell
from this dance party
223
00:09:04,622 --> 00:09:07,360
where she's dancing
neither better nor worse
224
00:09:07,461 --> 00:09:10,066
than anyone on the staff.
225
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:12,605
But there Jennifer was again,
226
00:09:12,605 --> 00:09:15,043
always with her nose
pressed against the glass,
227
00:09:15,143 --> 00:09:18,015
or anything else she was
standing three feet away from.
228
00:09:18,015 --> 00:09:20,220
QUAGMIRE:
Might be going a bit hard with the nose stuff.
229
00:09:20,220 --> 00:09:22,792
JOE:
Relax, she's fine. She got a new one.
230
00:09:22,792 --> 00:09:25,063
It was time to make my move.
231
00:09:25,063 --> 00:09:26,432
Hey, do I know you?
232
00:09:26,432 --> 00:09:28,035
Yeah.
We were both in Red Dawn
233
00:09:28,136 --> 00:09:31,409
and we probably had sex on set
and then you dumped me
234
00:09:31,409 --> 00:09:33,079
and now we famously
hate each other.
235
00:09:33,179 --> 00:09:34,816
Oh, yeah, Jennifer.
236
00:09:34,816 --> 00:09:38,356
Well, welcome
to the Poke-a-nose.
237
00:09:38,456 --> 00:09:40,427
That was kind of my joke
around camp.
238
00:09:40,528 --> 00:09:41,730
People loved it,
way better than my
239
00:09:41,730 --> 00:09:43,767
"welcome to the Catskills" bit.
240
00:09:43,767 --> 00:09:46,773
I was not invited back
to that camp.
241
00:09:46,773 --> 00:09:49,144
Joe, come quick!
It's Dancy.
242
00:09:49,278 --> 00:09:51,115
What's the matter?
243
00:09:51,215 --> 00:09:53,019
It's-it's my jaw.
244
00:09:53,152 --> 00:09:54,321
It's very clicky.
245
00:09:54,421 --> 00:09:56,560
I th... I think I have TMJ.
246
00:09:56,660 --> 00:09:58,429
- TMJ?
- Oh, no!
247
00:09:58,429 --> 00:09:59,933
I hear that causes
mild discomfort
248
00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,937
but doesn't otherwise
interfere with lifestyle.
249
00:10:01,937 --> 00:10:03,540
JOE:
Of course, back then, it was illegal
250
00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:04,943
to get jaw surgery.
251
00:10:04,943 --> 00:10:06,746
The only places
that would do it
252
00:10:06,746 --> 00:10:09,619
were sketchy, unsafe,
back-alley jaw clinics.
253
00:10:09,619 --> 00:10:12,023
Do you want to keep
the TMJ?
254
00:10:12,023 --> 00:10:15,564
Come on, Joe.
I'm single, I'm poor,
255
00:10:15,564 --> 00:10:17,400
I work at a Jewish camp
for tips.
256
00:10:17,535 --> 00:10:18,570
PETER:
Ugh. Brutal.
257
00:10:18,570 --> 00:10:21,041
What's three percent of frugal,
am I right?
258
00:10:21,041 --> 00:10:22,545
QUAGMIRE:
Not the year for it, Peter.
259
00:10:22,545 --> 00:10:24,883
But, Dancy, what about
the big talent show?
260
00:10:24,883 --> 00:10:27,454
Dancy was gonna be my partner
at the camp talent show,
261
00:10:27,454 --> 00:10:30,628
which is the most important
thing in this whole story.
262
00:10:30,628 --> 00:10:32,464
After I get my jaw surgery,
263
00:10:32,464 --> 00:10:34,468
I'm gonna be in
mouth recovery, Joe.
264
00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:35,671
I'm out.
265
00:10:35,771 --> 00:10:38,677
What? Then who am I
supposed to dance with?
266
00:10:38,777 --> 00:10:40,548
Literally any one
of these other women
267
00:10:40,648 --> 00:10:43,052
- we just saw dancing?
- I'll do it.
268
00:10:43,152 --> 00:10:43,954
Ugh.
269
00:10:43,954 --> 00:10:45,524
I know I've never
danced before,
270
00:10:45,524 --> 00:10:46,593
but you could teach me.
271
00:10:46,726 --> 00:10:48,530
All right, I'll give you a shot,
272
00:10:48,530 --> 00:10:49,833
but you better not be ticklish
273
00:10:49,833 --> 00:10:51,736
if I touch the inside
of your arm
274
00:10:51,736 --> 00:10:53,105
during dance practice.
275
00:10:53,105 --> 00:10:56,178
Y-Yeah. No, no, that-that
won't be a problem.
276
00:10:56,278 --> 00:10:58,917
♪ ♪
277
00:11:00,386 --> 00:11:01,756
(laughing)
278
00:11:01,756 --> 00:11:05,764
This is the (bleep)
I was talking about!
279
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:08,904
♪ ♪
280
00:11:12,912 --> 00:11:15,216
Wow, I guess I'm just
really bad at
281
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:17,555
you holding me over your head
while I do nothing.
282
00:11:17,555 --> 00:11:19,592
Eh, keep practicing.
You'll get there.
283
00:11:19,692 --> 00:11:21,596
Anyway, I like how you
always seem to drop me
284
00:11:21,596 --> 00:11:24,201
into the one warm spot
in this whole cold lake.
285
00:11:24,201 --> 00:11:28,175
Yeah, and I, uh, I like how
you're at least 18 years old.
286
00:11:28,175 --> 00:11:29,044
Actually, I'm...
287
00:11:29,144 --> 00:11:31,215
I like how you're
at least 18 years old.
288
00:11:31,215 --> 00:11:35,089
Her nickname was "Baby,"
which means over 18 years old.
289
00:11:35,089 --> 00:11:38,129
Anyway, we were falling
in love, but then...
290
00:11:38,129 --> 00:11:40,935
- Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.
- Again?
291
00:11:41,035 --> 00:11:42,772
He's developmentally disabled
292
00:11:42,772 --> 00:11:44,776
and that's the only thing
he knows how to say
293
00:11:44,876 --> 00:11:47,214
but still, we should
go check on her.
294
00:11:49,418 --> 00:11:51,121
- (grunts softly)
- (both gasp)
295
00:11:51,222 --> 00:11:53,527
It's... it's bad, right?
296
00:11:53,527 --> 00:11:54,662
No, no, it's fine.
297
00:11:54,762 --> 00:11:56,733
Hey, can you hang on a sec?
298
00:12:01,275 --> 00:12:03,412
President Kennedy
said he's excited to show
299
00:12:03,412 --> 00:12:07,955
the city of Dallas, quote,
"just how white a shirt can be."
300
00:12:07,955 --> 00:12:10,928
Joe, this is serious.
My whole jaw's messed up.
301
00:12:10,928 --> 00:12:13,165
I don't understand.
We sent you to the best
302
00:12:13,165 --> 00:12:15,804
cigarette-smoking surgeon
we know.
303
00:12:15,905 --> 00:12:18,142
But listen,
you're gonna be okay.
304
00:12:18,142 --> 00:12:19,311
(laughs)
305
00:12:19,311 --> 00:12:20,681
Son of a bitch!
306
00:12:20,681 --> 00:12:22,652
Fortunately, Jennifer
had called her father,
307
00:12:22,652 --> 00:12:23,620
who's a doctor.
308
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:26,225
Oh, dear God.
Good thing I got here in time.
309
00:12:26,325 --> 00:12:28,262
Fetch me my big bag
of medical supplies
310
00:12:28,396 --> 00:12:29,766
I take on vacation.
311
00:12:29,766 --> 00:12:31,468
Thank you for coming,
Dr. Hartman.
312
00:12:31,468 --> 00:12:33,674
Shut up. I don't like you
because you're poor.
313
00:12:33,674 --> 00:12:34,709
Daddy, is she gonna be okay?
314
00:12:34,709 --> 00:12:37,648
She's gonna make it.
But I blame you for this.
315
00:12:37,648 --> 00:12:39,117
Because it's important
for the story
316
00:12:39,217 --> 00:12:41,288
- that I blame you for this.
- I'm sorry.
317
00:12:41,288 --> 00:12:42,357
Sorry doesn't cut it.
318
00:12:42,490 --> 00:12:45,263
Something this terrible
calls for real consequences.
319
00:12:45,363 --> 00:12:48,704
No dancing with my daughter
at the meaningless talent show.
320
00:12:48,837 --> 00:12:50,574
What? No!
321
00:12:50,674 --> 00:12:52,511
My word is final.
322
00:12:52,511 --> 00:12:54,616
♪ ♪
323
00:12:55,551 --> 00:12:58,857
JOE:
So what I'm doing right here is I'm thinking about Jennifer
324
00:12:58,857 --> 00:13:00,527
and how she's like the wind.
325
00:13:00,527 --> 00:13:02,430
QUAGMIRE:
What does that mean, "she's like the wind"?
326
00:13:02,531 --> 00:13:04,301
JOE:
Just, you know, she and the wind.
327
00:13:04,401 --> 00:13:06,740
Uh, lots of similarities
there, you know.
328
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:08,376
She's very wind-like.
329
00:13:08,376 --> 00:13:10,113
QUAGMIRE:
Yeah, but like, but how, specifically?
330
00:13:10,213 --> 00:13:11,616
JOE:
I mean, where do I even start?
331
00:13:11,616 --> 00:13:14,622
Basically, they're like
two peas in a pod, those two.
332
00:13:14,622 --> 00:13:16,225
Her and the wind.
You know?
333
00:13:16,225 --> 00:13:17,662
QUAGMIRE:
No, I don't kn... You know,
334
00:13:17,662 --> 00:13:18,697
you keep saying "you know,"
335
00:13:18,697 --> 00:13:20,033
and I don't know,
336
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,402
and that's why
I'm asking the question.
337
00:13:21,503 --> 00:13:24,141
In what precise way
is she like the wind?
338
00:13:24,241 --> 00:13:28,115
JOE:
Well, um, like, if you picture my heart like trees,
339
00:13:28,115 --> 00:13:30,453
she blows through my trees.
340
00:13:30,453 --> 00:13:32,825
QUAGMIRE:
All right, so in what way is your heart like trees?
341
00:13:32,825 --> 00:13:34,595
JOE:
Aw, look, it's a good song, okay?!
342
00:13:34,729 --> 00:13:36,231
The point is
I'm missing Jennifer,
343
00:13:36,231 --> 00:13:37,133
I want her back.
344
00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:38,135
QUAGMIRE:
Just say that then.
345
00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:40,006
Enough with this wind business.
346
00:13:40,106 --> 00:13:41,976
JOE:
Finally, it came--
347
00:13:41,976 --> 00:13:43,880
the night of the big
talent show.
348
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:46,653
The show started late
'cause the grandma bragging
349
00:13:46,753 --> 00:13:48,222
had gone a bit long.
350
00:13:48,322 --> 00:13:50,794
(babbles)
Doctor!
351
00:13:50,794 --> 00:13:52,665
Buzz, buzz, buzz, lawyer.
352
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:56,171
(babbles)
Five foot, six.
353
00:13:56,271 --> 00:13:59,344
Everyone, I hope you enjoyed
the dinner of leftovers
354
00:13:59,344 --> 00:14:00,848
from last year's dinner.
355
00:14:00,848 --> 00:14:03,019
JOE:
I mentioned it was a Jewish camp, right?
356
00:14:03,019 --> 00:14:06,559
But now it's time
to start the talent show.
357
00:14:07,595 --> 00:14:08,930
This was my last chance.
358
00:14:09,031 --> 00:14:10,266
I wasn't gonna
let all those hours
359
00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:12,805
of standing in a lake
go to waste.
360
00:14:12,805 --> 00:14:16,111
Nobody puts Legal Adult
in a corner.
361
00:14:16,111 --> 00:14:19,151
Unfortunately, this was
the Star of David Dining Hall,
362
00:14:19,151 --> 00:14:22,057
so pretty much
the whole place was corners.
363
00:14:22,157 --> 00:14:25,063
It was finally time
for us to dance together.
364
00:14:25,163 --> 00:14:27,267
Happy 1963, everyone.
365
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,872
For our big finale,
we're gonna dance to a song
366
00:14:29,872 --> 00:14:31,876
written in 1985.
367
00:14:31,876 --> 00:14:34,181
("She Bop" by Cyndi Lauper
playing)
368
00:14:39,859 --> 00:14:43,099
♪ She bop, he bop a we bop ♪
369
00:14:43,099 --> 00:14:44,869
♪ I bop, you bop... ♪
370
00:14:44,869 --> 00:14:47,808
JOE:
We had to dance to this song about female masturbation
371
00:14:47,942 --> 00:14:50,379
because we couldn't afford
"The Time of My Life."
372
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,117
QUAGMIRE:
I think you mean open parentheses
373
00:14:52,117 --> 00:14:55,456
"I've Had" closed parentheses,
"The Time of My Life."
374
00:14:55,456 --> 00:14:57,828
JOE:
Sure, whatever. The point is we danced great
375
00:14:57,828 --> 00:15:01,201
and everyone
was cheering for us.
376
00:15:01,201 --> 00:15:02,938
(cheering)
377
00:15:02,938 --> 00:15:04,742
- Yay!
- (whoops)
378
00:15:04,842 --> 00:15:06,946
Joe, come quick!
It's Dancy.
379
00:15:07,046 --> 00:15:10,353
JOE:
And that's the story of my first love.
380
00:15:10,353 --> 00:15:12,725
P.S., that night we had sex,
I got her pregnant,
381
00:15:12,825 --> 00:15:14,629
and three weeks later
she had an abortion.
382
00:15:14,729 --> 00:15:17,333
I mean jaw-fixing.
Whatever we called it earlier.
383
00:15:23,179 --> 00:15:25,717
- Well, I remember my first...
- Anyway, I remember my first...
384
00:15:25,717 --> 00:15:28,122
Oh.
385
00:15:28,122 --> 00:15:30,828
Think, uh, think it's probably
gonna be Peter, right?
386
00:15:30,928 --> 00:15:32,163
Sorry, Cleveland.
387
00:15:32,163 --> 00:15:35,236
But I remember my first love.
388
00:15:35,236 --> 00:15:39,010
It was 1989,
the golden age of Hollywood.
389
00:15:39,010 --> 00:15:41,749
The year of
Troop Beverly Hills,
390
00:15:41,749 --> 00:15:43,887
Fletch Lives,
Gleaming the Cube,
391
00:15:43,887 --> 00:15:45,557
and a hilarious new addition
392
00:15:45,557 --> 00:15:47,995
to the Harry and the Hendersons franchise.
393
00:15:48,095 --> 00:15:51,335
Harry meets a girl Bigfoot?
Count me in.
394
00:15:51,435 --> 00:15:53,907
PETER:
Well, that's what I thought, anyway.
395
00:15:54,007 --> 00:15:56,145
Turns out Harry
was shorter in this movie,
396
00:15:56,245 --> 00:15:57,781
but he did look marvelous.
397
00:15:57,882 --> 00:16:00,486
And the actress?
Oh, my gosh.
398
00:16:00,486 --> 00:16:02,323
(gasps, sighs)
399
00:16:02,323 --> 00:16:04,461
You know how I always wanted
to marry a woman
400
00:16:04,461 --> 00:16:06,666
who looks like
the Full House baby?
401
00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:09,772
Well, this was her: Meg Ryan.
402
00:16:09,872 --> 00:16:10,874
Schwing!
403
00:16:11,008 --> 00:16:12,143
I said, being the first person
404
00:16:12,143 --> 00:16:13,212
who ever said that.
405
00:16:13,212 --> 00:16:14,649
Ha, ha, that guy's
the first person
406
00:16:14,749 --> 00:16:16,084
to ever say that.
407
00:16:16,185 --> 00:16:17,755
Wow, you're hilarious.
408
00:16:17,888 --> 00:16:19,559
What's your name
so we can tell everyone
409
00:16:19,559 --> 00:16:20,727
that you were the first?
410
00:16:20,727 --> 00:16:22,865
Aw, come on, guys, I don't care
who gets the credit.
411
00:16:22,865 --> 00:16:24,802
QUAGMIRE:
This is making your story less credible.
412
00:16:24,802 --> 00:16:28,677
PETER:
Anyway, from the first time I saw Meg Ryan pout
413
00:16:28,677 --> 00:16:30,046
in When Harry Met Sally,
414
00:16:30,146 --> 00:16:33,252
I knew I wanted to see her pout
in every movie.
415
00:16:33,352 --> 00:16:35,022
And then eventually
change her face
416
00:16:35,022 --> 00:16:36,793
so she's incapable of pouting.
417
00:16:36,793 --> 00:16:39,064
♪ ♪
418
00:16:42,237 --> 00:16:45,476
Ah, nothing better
than movie theater popcorn.
419
00:16:45,476 --> 00:16:48,082
Some for me,
some for the cleaning guy.
420
00:16:48,182 --> 00:16:51,255
Some for me, some for
the cleaning guy.
421
00:16:51,355 --> 00:16:53,593
So, you must really
like this movie.
422
00:16:53,593 --> 00:16:57,233
Are... are-are you...
are you talking to me?
423
00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:59,104
I got to talk to somebody.
424
00:16:59,104 --> 00:17:01,174
He's about to do
a 20-minute song parody
425
00:17:01,174 --> 00:17:03,312
of the 1988 Oscar nominees.
426
00:17:03,312 --> 00:17:05,383
♪ Broadcast News
to the left of me ♪
427
00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:07,220
♪ Fatal Attraction
to the right ♪
428
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:10,994
♪ Here I am, Moonstruck
in the middle with you. ♪
429
00:17:11,094 --> 00:17:13,867
Come join me, Peter.
It's a 1980s movie,
430
00:17:13,967 --> 00:17:16,573
so there's lots and lots
of 1940s music.
431
00:17:16,573 --> 00:17:18,643
♪ ♪
432
00:17:29,497 --> 00:17:32,337
- What's that guy doing?
- He's ruining the movie.
433
00:17:32,337 --> 00:17:34,642
Joe, come quick!
It's Dancy.
434
00:17:38,617 --> 00:17:39,986
So that happened.
435
00:17:39,986 --> 00:17:42,090
(laughs)
I've never heard that.
436
00:17:42,090 --> 00:17:44,962
You're the first.
Peter Griffin's the first.
437
00:17:44,962 --> 00:17:46,833
Aw, come on, Meg Ryan,
it's not about that.
438
00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:49,204
QUAGMIRE:
Yeah, you got to stop doing this, Peter.
439
00:17:52,010 --> 00:17:53,780
PETER:
That day we talked and talked
440
00:17:53,780 --> 00:17:57,020
as an unrealistic amount
of leaves fell around us.
441
00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:58,890
Hey, thanks for
walking me around
442
00:17:58,990 --> 00:18:01,028
in this watered-down
Woody Allen movie.
443
00:18:01,128 --> 00:18:03,833
You're welcome, Peter.
But what do you think?
444
00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:06,038
Can a man and a woman
just be friends
445
00:18:06,171 --> 00:18:07,440
without the sex?
446
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:10,647
Oh, uh, yeah, uh, sure, yeah.
447
00:18:10,647 --> 00:18:12,417
Uh, me-men and women
can just be friends.
448
00:18:12,417 --> 00:18:15,056
But, like, the fourth
or fifth friend you call.
449
00:18:15,156 --> 00:18:17,561
What do you say, Peter?
Friends?
450
00:18:17,661 --> 00:18:20,099
- Friends with benefi...
- Benefits? No.
451
00:18:20,199 --> 00:18:21,703
I was gonna say Benefiber.
452
00:18:21,703 --> 00:18:23,707
I been getting wicked
stopped up lately.
453
00:18:23,807 --> 00:18:27,581
- Ew.
- Welcome to being friends with a guy, Meg Ryan.
454
00:18:30,787 --> 00:18:33,593
Me and Meg Ryan
had a special connection.
455
00:18:33,693 --> 00:18:35,463
I even followed her
into other movies,
456
00:18:35,463 --> 00:18:36,899
like Sleepless in Seattle,
457
00:18:36,899 --> 00:18:39,004
which ends on the top
of the Empire State building.
458
00:18:39,004 --> 00:18:41,341
Gee, Pop, I'm sorry
I left my backpack
459
00:18:41,341 --> 00:18:43,479
just laying around
at the Empire State Building,
460
00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:46,485
which is an actual plot point
from the film.
461
00:18:46,485 --> 00:18:48,890
Don't worry,
it's still just the 1990s,
462
00:18:48,890 --> 00:18:50,560
so it's okay to abandon
your backpack
463
00:18:50,661 --> 00:18:52,030
in big-city landmarks.
464
00:18:52,130 --> 00:18:54,802
- (all ticking)
- See something, say nothing,
465
00:18:54,802 --> 00:18:57,407
That's the 1990s
New York way.
466
00:18:59,845 --> 00:19:02,350
- Hey.
- Hey.
467
00:19:02,450 --> 00:19:05,857
Ah. This is our last chance
to look at Brooklyn
468
00:19:05,957 --> 00:19:07,761
before Lena Dunham gets there.
469
00:19:07,761 --> 00:19:09,899
PETER:
I also followed her to You've Got Mail,
470
00:19:09,899 --> 00:19:12,203
where I drove her little
bookstore out of business
471
00:19:12,303 --> 00:19:14,809
before my big bookstore
went out of business.
472
00:19:14,809 --> 00:19:18,550
Also, I DMed her on my
eight-inch-thick laptop.
473
00:19:19,384 --> 00:19:23,092
As always, I wrote to her
as friends. Just friends.
474
00:19:23,092 --> 00:19:26,365
It seemed like we'd be
just friends forever,
475
00:19:26,365 --> 00:19:29,237
but then came the movie
that changed everything.
476
00:19:29,337 --> 00:19:32,176
The most important film
of all time:
477
00:19:32,176 --> 00:19:34,982
In the Cut.
Because naked!
478
00:19:34,982 --> 00:19:38,088
It's just, ever since we met
you've been my best friend,
479
00:19:38,088 --> 00:19:40,126
and I was always afraid
of damaging that
480
00:19:40,126 --> 00:19:42,230
because I don't want to risk
this connection.
481
00:19:42,230 --> 00:19:44,969
Shh. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Hey.
482
00:19:44,969 --> 00:19:47,240
Shut up, Meg.
483
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,578
COP:
Excuse me, sir? Sir.
484
00:19:49,678 --> 00:19:50,647
Wake up, sir.
485
00:19:50,647 --> 00:19:52,183
PETER:
Turns out I never did get pulled
486
00:19:52,183 --> 00:19:53,653
up into that movie screen.
487
00:19:53,653 --> 00:19:55,356
I had just
Pee Wee Herman'ed myself
488
00:19:55,356 --> 00:19:57,226
in the theater and fell asleep.
489
00:19:57,226 --> 00:19:59,030
(snores)
Huh? What?
490
00:19:59,130 --> 00:20:00,801
What's going on here?
491
00:20:00,901 --> 00:20:02,738
Um...
492
00:20:02,838 --> 00:20:04,675
I'll have what she's having?
493
00:20:04,675 --> 00:20:07,981
And that's when my doctor said,
"You can't drink and do Ambien."
494
00:20:07,981 --> 00:20:11,321
So, there you go,
my first love: Meg Ryan.
495
00:20:11,421 --> 00:20:13,158
Or maybe Melanie Griffith.
496
00:20:13,158 --> 00:20:14,829
You know, now that
I'm thinking about it,
497
00:20:14,829 --> 00:20:16,164
did you see Body Double?
498
00:20:16,264 --> 00:20:17,433
Good God.
499
00:20:17,433 --> 00:20:19,337
That's a wonderful story, Peter.
500
00:20:19,337 --> 00:20:21,074
I'm always happy just to listen
501
00:20:21,174 --> 00:20:24,314
- and be here for you.
- (phone chimes)
502
00:20:32,731 --> 00:20:33,800
Donna says hi.
503
00:20:39,144 --> 00:20:42,450
Is it okay if I tell
my first love story?
504
00:20:42,450 --> 00:20:43,753
If it wasn't
good enough to tell
505
00:20:43,753 --> 00:20:46,124
in one of the 88 episodes
of your show,
506
00:20:46,124 --> 00:20:47,895
maybe it's not
good enough for us.
507
00:20:50,399 --> 00:20:52,470
Could you guys
do me a favor and laugh
508
00:20:52,571 --> 00:20:54,775
like I'm telling you
a hilarious story?
509
00:20:54,775 --> 00:20:56,178
- (laughing)
- See?
510
00:20:56,178 --> 00:20:57,915
I get a flashback, too.
511
00:20:58,015 --> 00:21:00,754
I don't see nothing shimmering.
512
00:21:00,804 --> 00:21:05,354
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