All language subtitles for Inside.Job_.S02E06.1080p.NF_.WEB-DL.DDP5_.1.H.264-SMURF

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish Download
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,250 --> 00:00:08,958 A NETFLIX SERIES 2 00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:18,500 Did you know October was Medical Ultrasound Awareness Month? 3 00:00:18,583 --> 00:00:19,916 This is awesome. 4 00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:21,458 Why? Do you need one? 5 00:00:21,541 --> 00:00:23,708 No, we've reached the point in our relationship 6 00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:25,791 where we don't have to have sex all the time. 7 00:00:25,875 --> 00:00:29,541 We can just lay in bed, share amazingly boring factoids. 8 00:00:29,625 --> 00:00:32,833 Whoa, this is awesome. I kind of wanna have sex now. 9 00:00:32,916 --> 00:00:33,833 Oh God, yes. 10 00:00:33,916 --> 00:00:35,708 Guten abend. 11 00:00:35,791 --> 00:00:39,166 Staedtler, the Illuminati requires your services. 12 00:00:39,791 --> 00:00:41,083 Why are you shirtless? 13 00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:44,250 Uh, just sacrificing some virgin, sir. 14 00:00:44,333 --> 00:00:46,291 You mean sacrificing yourself? 15 00:00:48,333 --> 00:00:49,375 Up top. 16 00:00:49,458 --> 00:00:50,333 Oh. 17 00:00:50,416 --> 00:00:54,875 Anyway, tourists spotted Princess Di playing spikeball on her private island. 18 00:00:54,958 --> 00:00:57,375 We need you to erase those memories. Chop-chop. 19 00:00:57,458 --> 00:01:00,916 Beyoncé doesn't say hi, by the way. Bye. 20 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:04,333 God, I hate working for the Illuminati. 21 00:01:04,416 --> 00:01:08,166 The mind erasing, the lies, my asshole co-workers. 22 00:01:08,250 --> 00:01:10,125 I should just get a regular job. 23 00:01:10,208 --> 00:01:11,083 Doing what? 24 00:01:11,166 --> 00:01:13,458 I don't know. Repairing old boats? 25 00:01:13,541 --> 00:01:16,541 I could fix up a schooner and we could sail to the Caribbean. 26 00:01:16,625 --> 00:01:18,166 A schooner's a boat, right? 27 00:01:18,250 --> 00:01:20,958 Bitching about our shadow world jobs is how we got together. 28 00:01:21,041 --> 00:01:22,833 What are we gonna talk about if you quit? 29 00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:25,458 Reagan, we have lots of other stuff to talk about. 30 00:01:27,458 --> 00:01:29,083 Hey, you should work at Cognito! 31 00:01:29,166 --> 00:01:31,833 What? The Illuminati's archrival? 32 00:01:31,916 --> 00:01:34,125 Uh, yes! We work great together, 33 00:01:34,208 --> 00:01:36,791 I promise you'll never have to erase minds again, 34 00:01:36,875 --> 00:01:38,375 and my team is the best. 35 00:01:38,458 --> 00:01:39,500 You'll fit right in. 36 00:01:39,583 --> 00:01:43,458 Oh, come on. You know my John Cusack damaged outsider vibe 37 00:01:43,541 --> 00:01:45,666 doesn't make the best first impressions. 38 00:01:45,750 --> 00:01:47,666 I'm a fourth impression kind of guy. 39 00:01:47,750 --> 00:01:50,000 Ooh, what if I introduced you to Brett first? 40 00:01:50,083 --> 00:01:52,958 He will sell you on Cognito. He is a great pitchman. 41 00:01:53,041 --> 00:01:55,416 He once convinced the whole office to sell Herbalife, 42 00:01:55,500 --> 00:01:58,666 even though we all knew we invented that pyramid scheme to fund the CIA. 43 00:01:58,750 --> 00:02:00,500 All right, I'll give it a shot. 44 00:02:00,583 --> 00:02:03,500 Brett, it's Reagan. How would you like to finally meet my boyfriend? 45 00:02:03,583 --> 00:02:06,000 Reagan's letting me into her personal life? 46 00:02:07,416 --> 00:02:09,333 He said yes. 47 00:02:34,833 --> 00:02:37,458 This place is like if the Illuminati was a strip mall. 48 00:02:41,750 --> 00:02:46,875 Cool. Fall Harvest Fluoride. Chocolate Chip Cure For Cancer? 49 00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:50,625 Man, they still have Four Loko? And Five Loko? 50 00:02:50,708 --> 00:02:52,500 The fifth Loko is time. 51 00:02:53,375 --> 00:02:55,625 Reags! And man of Reags! 52 00:02:55,708 --> 00:02:58,791 Psyched to meet my BFF's BF L-M-N-O-P. 53 00:02:58,875 --> 00:03:02,750 Sorry. When I get excited I just start saying letters. W! 54 00:03:02,833 --> 00:03:06,333 Brett, this is Ron Staedtler. Staedtler, this is Brett Hand. 55 00:03:06,416 --> 00:03:07,541 Nice to meet you, man. 56 00:03:07,625 --> 00:03:08,666 - Oh. Oh, oh. - Okay. 57 00:03:08,750 --> 00:03:10,291 - Okay. Sorry. - Oops. 58 00:03:10,375 --> 00:03:12,125 - Agh! - Oh. No worries. 59 00:03:12,666 --> 00:03:15,291 - Ow! - Drinking will help this. 60 00:03:16,333 --> 00:03:19,666 The usual for this one, and I'm pegging you as a vodka man. 61 00:03:19,750 --> 00:03:20,916 Whiskey neat for me. 62 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,416 Right, and I will have a Natty light. 63 00:03:23,500 --> 00:03:26,750 Good one. What, are they all out of Jägermeister? 64 00:03:26,833 --> 00:03:29,833 Do you wanna do Jägerbombs? I'm down to clown. 65 00:03:31,666 --> 00:03:36,083 I love douche humor too. I've listened to every Dane Cook album. 66 00:03:36,166 --> 00:03:37,791 - Sincerely. - Ironically. 67 00:03:38,416 --> 00:03:39,541 Uh... Hm. 68 00:03:40,708 --> 00:03:44,083 Brett, tell Staedtler why Cognito is such a great place to work. 69 00:03:44,166 --> 00:03:49,041 Um, yeah. Let me tell you why it's so Cog-neat-o. 70 00:03:49,125 --> 00:03:51,791 Wait, Brett, I want to apologize. 71 00:03:51,875 --> 00:03:55,708 We got off on the wrong foot. I would love if we could start over. 72 00:03:55,791 --> 00:04:01,333 Oh, phew. Yes. Be kind and... rewind. 73 00:04:01,416 --> 00:04:03,125 That sounds like a great idea. 74 00:04:03,208 --> 00:04:05,875 Great. And let's get some new music up in here. 75 00:04:05,958 --> 00:04:07,458 Who picked this '90s shit? 76 00:04:07,541 --> 00:04:11,416 It's like someone put a 20 in the Jukebox and pushed Counting Crows over and over. 77 00:04:12,958 --> 00:04:18,208 I listen to "Accidentally In Love" from the Shrek 2 soundtrack every day! 78 00:04:19,750 --> 00:04:21,458 I mean, great to meet you. 79 00:04:21,541 --> 00:04:23,916 - It's all right. We're joking. - Yeah, it's all good. 80 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:25,291 Yeah, no. This is fun. 81 00:04:29,500 --> 00:04:31,625 - That went well. - That was a disaster. 82 00:04:31,708 --> 00:04:36,208 If one hour with Brett is that awkward, there's no way I'll fit in at Cognito. 83 00:04:36,291 --> 00:04:39,250 What? No! No-o-o-o! 84 00:04:39,333 --> 00:04:41,916 You and Brett are gonna love each other. 85 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,708 Uh, don't count your crows before they're hatched. 86 00:04:44,791 --> 00:04:46,791 I always ruin first impressions. 87 00:04:46,875 --> 00:04:52,375 You just need to get to know him better. You two will have way more fun at our... 88 00:04:52,875 --> 00:04:56,000 Uh, annual Halloween party. 89 00:04:56,083 --> 00:04:59,125 Yeah, Cognito is known for our awesome Halloween party 90 00:04:59,208 --> 00:05:02,208 that we throw every single year. It's legendary. 91 00:05:02,291 --> 00:05:03,291 That could be fun. 92 00:05:03,958 --> 00:05:07,875 We're throwing the first ever Cognito Halloween party. Attendance is mandatory. 93 00:05:07,958 --> 00:05:11,041 But every Halloween, my kids and I watch scary movies. 94 00:05:11,125 --> 00:05:15,708 The entire Michael Moore catalog. 95 00:05:15,791 --> 00:05:17,291 I won't be attending. 96 00:05:17,375 --> 00:05:19,916 Parties are just primitive human mating rituals. 97 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:23,208 Like I'd want to spend an evening licking any of your mouths 98 00:05:23,291 --> 00:05:25,291 to find a compatible immune system. 99 00:05:25,375 --> 00:05:26,416 Devastating. 100 00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:28,250 J.R., when you were running things, 101 00:05:28,333 --> 00:05:30,500 what was our normal budget for office parties? 102 00:05:30,583 --> 00:05:33,750 You mean the real ones or the ones you guys were invited to? 103 00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:36,041 I'm thinking a hundred grand to start. 104 00:05:36,125 --> 00:05:37,726 - Sounds good! - Make it rain, girl. 105 00:05:37,750 --> 00:05:39,030 I'm going to that party. 106 00:05:39,083 --> 00:05:42,750 Dad? You ruined my childhood. You want to make it up to me by funding this party? 107 00:05:42,833 --> 00:05:45,291 Sure. Much like your childhood, I won't be there. 108 00:05:45,375 --> 00:05:48,041 I have a hot date with your mom thanks to the N.E.E.D.Y Act. 109 00:05:48,125 --> 00:05:49,166 I'm gonna re-seduce her 110 00:05:49,250 --> 00:05:52,333 and fill the void inside me by filling the void inside her... 111 00:05:52,416 --> 00:05:56,416 Brett, the reason I'm throwing this party is to sell Staedtler on Cognito. 112 00:05:56,500 --> 00:06:00,041 I want to wow him with how awesome it would be to work here with all of us. 113 00:06:00,125 --> 00:06:01,875 Oh, Staedtler's coming. 114 00:06:01,958 --> 00:06:03,750 Oh, I love that... Love that guy. 115 00:06:03,833 --> 00:06:05,875 I'm worried that if he leaves the shadow world 116 00:06:05,958 --> 00:06:07,416 our relationship will not survive. 117 00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:12,125 I need him to have fun at this party, and you're the king of fun. 118 00:06:12,708 --> 00:06:13,958 Anything for you. 119 00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:15,125 You're the best! 120 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:18,041 So just as we get Staedtler to peak party fun, 121 00:06:18,125 --> 00:06:21,208 I'm gonna whip out a job offer and have him sign it with this. 122 00:06:23,416 --> 00:06:25,375 It doubles as a tranquilizer dart. 123 00:06:25,458 --> 00:06:28,458 - Agh! - Aw, such a sweet gift, Reags. 124 00:06:28,541 --> 00:06:30,541 SeaWorld, they found me. 125 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:34,458 Courage wolf, hear me now. 126 00:06:34,541 --> 00:06:37,750 Friendship wolf has gone missing and you have to find him! 127 00:06:37,833 --> 00:06:39,291 Now get him, boy! Get him! 128 00:06:40,708 --> 00:06:43,833 Where are you, friendship wolf? 129 00:06:46,291 --> 00:06:48,541 Man, you look nuts right now. 130 00:06:48,625 --> 00:06:52,541 Andre, I've literally never met a person I didn't like before until Staedtler, 131 00:06:52,625 --> 00:06:55,458 but for some reason, I don't vibe with him at all. 132 00:06:55,541 --> 00:06:57,333 I'm about to blow my brains out! 133 00:06:57,916 --> 00:06:59,166 Brett, this is the thing. 134 00:06:59,958 --> 00:07:02,708 I didn't hear a word you said after Andre. 135 00:07:02,791 --> 00:07:04,458 I don't want to let Reagan down, 136 00:07:04,541 --> 00:07:08,416 but I can't bring party energy to a guy I have zero chemistry with. 137 00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:09,791 Hey, man, I feel ya. 138 00:07:09,875 --> 00:07:13,708 But if there's two things I know about, it's chemistry and chemistry. 139 00:07:14,208 --> 00:07:15,541 And chemistry. 140 00:07:17,250 --> 00:07:18,583 Are you okay? 141 00:07:18,666 --> 00:07:20,041 Just give me a sec. 142 00:07:20,125 --> 00:07:23,916 I was working on a friendship virus to create world peace, 143 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,125 but Raytheon paid me never to test it. 144 00:07:26,208 --> 00:07:27,875 I still have the samples right here. 145 00:07:28,375 --> 00:07:29,875 Love you, bro. 146 00:07:29,958 --> 00:07:32,500 A love potion for friendship? 147 00:07:32,583 --> 00:07:34,958 I could customize it to make you like Staedtler. 148 00:07:35,041 --> 00:07:36,333 Do it, man. Do it! 149 00:07:36,416 --> 00:07:38,000 If we had his DNA. 150 00:07:38,083 --> 00:07:40,000 But how would we get... 151 00:07:40,583 --> 00:07:42,208 Bam! Ron's hair. 152 00:07:42,291 --> 00:07:45,375 God, you can tell he doesn't use any product at all. 153 00:07:45,458 --> 00:07:47,041 Does he care about appearances? 154 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,500 You're almost back on top. 155 00:07:51,583 --> 00:07:54,250 Got your job, your company. Now all you need is... 156 00:07:54,958 --> 00:07:58,708 There she is. Ready to put the "date" in government mandate? 157 00:07:58,791 --> 00:08:02,291 Save it, Rand. The Botox hides it, but I'm staring daggers at you. 158 00:08:02,375 --> 00:08:04,083 I'm a new man, Tamiko. 159 00:08:04,166 --> 00:08:07,791 I'm gonna wine and dine you with a night of whimsy and romance. 160 00:08:07,875 --> 00:08:09,000 If you'll just put this on. 161 00:08:10,125 --> 00:08:12,125 Fine, let's get this over with. 162 00:08:18,458 --> 00:08:20,750 Happy Halloween, Cognito! 163 00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:25,541 It's time for you monsters to mash... your genitals together! 164 00:08:25,625 --> 00:08:28,833 Tonight, HR stands for Horny Raving! 165 00:08:29,875 --> 00:08:33,458 Ah, it feels good to pretend to be rich again. 166 00:08:33,541 --> 00:08:37,416 Can I upsell anyone on this sweet duplex on Baltic Avenue? 167 00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:40,833 - Oh, let me guess. Cher-nobyl. - Duh. 168 00:08:40,916 --> 00:08:42,375 Ahoy, bitches. 169 00:08:42,458 --> 00:08:45,416 Who's ready to shiver me timbers to completion? 170 00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:48,041 Jack Sparrow? You gotta be kidding me. 171 00:08:48,125 --> 00:08:49,416 Avast, mateys! 172 00:08:49,500 --> 00:08:53,375 Oh, what the Jerry Fuck-heimer. Take that costume off now! 173 00:08:53,458 --> 00:08:57,791 No way! I spent 5.99 on same-day shipping for these hair beads. 174 00:08:57,875 --> 00:08:58,916 I look roguish. 175 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:01,250 You look like a white girl at Burning Man! 176 00:09:05,625 --> 00:09:08,291 I was going for more of a detached irony vibe. 177 00:09:08,375 --> 00:09:11,833 - Maybe I should change. - No, no, no. Everyone is gonna love you. 178 00:09:12,416 --> 00:09:14,583 Wow, these decorations are amazing. 179 00:09:18,875 --> 00:09:22,375 Um, yeah, that is definitely a Halloween decoration. 180 00:09:22,458 --> 00:09:23,458 Let's hit the bar. 181 00:09:26,750 --> 00:09:28,666 How's it going? Nice Minion costume. 182 00:09:28,750 --> 00:09:29,791 It's a hazmat suit, 183 00:09:29,875 --> 00:09:32,125 under which I'm wearing a Minion costume. 184 00:09:32,208 --> 00:09:35,625 This should make you love Staedtler like he was your own frat brother. 185 00:09:35,708 --> 00:09:36,708 Let's do this! 186 00:09:38,708 --> 00:09:40,250 Uh, your arm is fine. 187 00:09:40,333 --> 00:09:41,333 Oh. 188 00:09:44,208 --> 00:09:46,208 Love you, bro! Love ya! 189 00:09:46,958 --> 00:09:48,708 Gigi, you remember Staedtler. 190 00:09:48,791 --> 00:09:50,458 How can I forget? 191 00:09:50,541 --> 00:09:54,833 Reagan doesn't have a lot of girlfriends, so she tells me everything. 192 00:09:54,916 --> 00:09:56,375 Penis size. 193 00:09:58,458 --> 00:10:01,875 Hey-o! There's Ron, the R-man. 194 00:10:01,958 --> 00:10:02,791 Rated R. 195 00:10:02,875 --> 00:10:03,958 R. Kelly. 196 00:10:04,041 --> 00:10:05,458 Forget that last one. 197 00:10:05,541 --> 00:10:08,791 - Look, about the other night... - Say no more. All that awkwardness? 198 00:10:08,875 --> 00:10:11,000 Good thing tonight I'm Criss Angel Mindfreak 199 00:10:11,083 --> 00:10:13,208 'cause it, poof, has disappeared. 200 00:10:15,125 --> 00:10:18,541 Cool, man. And great Final Fantasy costume. 201 00:10:19,125 --> 00:10:20,125 Whoa. 202 00:10:20,500 --> 00:10:22,416 Hey, looks like the virus worked! 203 00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:24,458 No, it didn't. I was faking it. 204 00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:27,583 I felt nothing but slight dislike. What is happening? 205 00:10:27,666 --> 00:10:29,000 Brett, where'd you go? 206 00:10:29,083 --> 00:10:31,541 You were totally bonding with Staedtler. 207 00:10:32,500 --> 00:10:36,791 I'm sorry, Reagan, I can't. I still don't have any vibes with him. 208 00:10:36,875 --> 00:10:40,000 - Yeah, you are failing the vibe check. - I should just go. 209 00:10:40,083 --> 00:10:43,250 What? No. This party will fizzle without you! 210 00:10:43,333 --> 00:10:44,375 What are you doing? 211 00:10:44,458 --> 00:10:45,708 Social lubricant. 212 00:10:46,791 --> 00:10:50,916 You will drink as much of this as you need to save my relationship! 213 00:10:52,666 --> 00:10:56,125 Love you, bro. What's happening, bro? What's up, bros? 214 00:10:56,208 --> 00:11:00,583 Get ready to lose your fucking mind over the City of Lights. 215 00:11:00,666 --> 00:11:01,958 You brought me to Paris? 216 00:11:02,041 --> 00:11:05,708 As CEO, I have unlimited access to the Cognito shadow lab. 217 00:11:05,791 --> 00:11:07,333 CEO. 218 00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:10,041 I must say, I'm skeptically intrigued. 219 00:11:10,125 --> 00:11:11,958 I know you love fancy crap, 220 00:11:12,041 --> 00:11:15,583 so we got a suite at the Four Seasons and a dinner resy at Le Cinq. 221 00:11:15,666 --> 00:11:17,000 The night is ours, baby. 222 00:11:17,083 --> 00:11:18,958 So I guess the new romantic you 223 00:11:19,041 --> 00:11:22,125 wouldn't mind taking a stroll along the Champs-Élysées? 224 00:11:22,208 --> 00:11:23,750 I'd find it magical. 225 00:11:23,833 --> 00:11:25,708 While reciting poetry. 226 00:11:25,791 --> 00:11:29,583 Poetry? Damn it all! The one thing I didn't bring with me. 227 00:11:29,666 --> 00:11:32,041 Uh, you want to huck croissants at geese? 228 00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:35,458 I'm starting to think you haven't changed at all. 229 00:11:35,541 --> 00:11:36,833 Uh, no, I have. 230 00:11:36,916 --> 00:11:39,500 Just give me five. I need to take un crap. 231 00:11:42,666 --> 00:11:46,208 Hey, the stars should be twinklier. Twinklier! What did I tell you? 232 00:11:46,291 --> 00:11:48,583 You told me to create the perfect romantic simulation. 233 00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:51,226 You said you'd do anything to win her back, except make an effort. 234 00:11:51,250 --> 00:11:53,625 Effort is for people without robots. 235 00:11:53,708 --> 00:11:56,083 Hey, can you tag in for me for a while? 236 00:11:56,166 --> 00:11:58,791 - Tag in? - Hologram in as me to the date. 237 00:11:58,875 --> 00:12:01,125 Recite some poetry. Tamiko will never know. 238 00:12:01,208 --> 00:12:03,083 But I've never been on a date before. 239 00:12:03,166 --> 00:12:06,208 You'll be in my body and women find me irresistible. 240 00:12:06,291 --> 00:12:07,931 I'm gonna go eat a hot dog on the toilet. 241 00:12:07,958 --> 00:12:10,250 Ping me when she's ready to jump in the sack. 242 00:12:14,583 --> 00:12:17,708 Okay, are you drunk enough yet to show my boyfriend a good time? 243 00:12:17,791 --> 00:12:19,333 Almost. 244 00:12:19,416 --> 00:12:21,500 Woo, let's get crazy! 245 00:12:21,583 --> 00:12:26,416 Come, lad. We're doing lines of Lipitor off my TV Guide! 246 00:12:27,750 --> 00:12:29,708 Love you, bro! Hell yeah, bro! 247 00:12:33,125 --> 00:12:34,625 Love you, bro! 248 00:12:37,750 --> 00:12:39,125 Love you, bro! 249 00:12:43,833 --> 00:12:45,625 Okay, truth or dare? 250 00:12:45,708 --> 00:12:47,750 Truth! I currently sleep in a barrel. 251 00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:51,833 Dare. I dare you all to say one reason why Staedtler would love to work here. 252 00:12:53,041 --> 00:12:56,625 Hey, guys. It's not a party without Trojans, right? 253 00:12:56,708 --> 00:13:00,375 Oh, Myc could probably give you 300 reasons. 254 00:13:00,458 --> 00:13:02,500 What's wrong with erasing minds for the Illuminati? 255 00:13:02,583 --> 00:13:06,000 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Buddy, you coming after my job? 256 00:13:06,083 --> 00:13:08,166 Nah, I'm done with mind-erasing. 257 00:13:08,250 --> 00:13:10,666 It's such an amoral, pointless job. 258 00:13:13,041 --> 00:13:14,041 But that's just me. 259 00:13:14,125 --> 00:13:16,916 Uh, for you, it's totally cool. 260 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:20,250 Good, 'cause there's only room for one Myc on this team and... 261 00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:21,208 Goddamn it! 262 00:13:21,291 --> 00:13:22,625 Freedom! 263 00:13:22,708 --> 00:13:24,208 That's Braveheart, you idiot! 264 00:13:24,291 --> 00:13:28,041 The only way you're associated with the number 300 is in pounds. 265 00:13:28,125 --> 00:13:29,500 You calling me fat? 266 00:13:29,583 --> 00:13:30,583 Explicitly. 267 00:13:30,666 --> 00:13:33,375 I'm starting to think you're insulting me. 268 00:13:35,375 --> 00:13:37,125 Love you, bro! 269 00:13:38,916 --> 00:13:41,708 - Hey, how do you feel right now? - Friendly. 270 00:13:41,791 --> 00:13:44,625 Why are we fighting over who's got the best costume 271 00:13:44,708 --> 00:13:47,583 when it's obviously this heat-seeking missile? 272 00:13:47,666 --> 00:13:49,750 Hey, you could totally steal my job. 273 00:13:49,833 --> 00:13:53,416 That'll be our thing. Should we give each other nicknames? 274 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:56,916 I have a strange urge not to assassinate you. 275 00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:00,416 Have you ever tried a two-and-a-half-some? 276 00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:01,833 Let's go talk to this guy! 277 00:14:01,916 --> 00:14:05,125 Whoa, you were right. People here are really friendly. 278 00:14:05,208 --> 00:14:07,333 Yeah, friendly. 279 00:14:07,416 --> 00:14:08,541 Love you, bro! 280 00:14:08,625 --> 00:14:09,875 Give the man some room! 281 00:14:09,958 --> 00:14:12,875 Don't crowd him just because he has a magnificent penis. 282 00:14:13,666 --> 00:14:14,875 Oh, no. What's going on? 283 00:14:15,375 --> 00:14:17,875 I think the disease is somehow spreading. 284 00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:19,666 You two, what happened? 285 00:14:19,750 --> 00:14:21,958 I was working in the lab late one night and... 286 00:14:22,041 --> 00:14:25,000 We made a virus to make me like your boyfriend and it's spreading! 287 00:14:25,083 --> 00:14:26,083 You did what?! 288 00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:30,125 Fuck! Brett must be asymptomatic because he's always at peak friendship, 289 00:14:30,208 --> 00:14:32,625 but it worked on everybody else! 290 00:14:39,541 --> 00:14:42,000 Huh, wow. It is nice to have legs again. 291 00:14:43,166 --> 00:14:46,916 Though I see the world in zeros and ones... 292 00:14:48,041 --> 00:14:52,041 ...my target lock is engaged on your glorious buns. 293 00:14:52,125 --> 00:14:53,958 I love it. 294 00:14:54,041 --> 00:14:57,041 Human touch! Is something I am used to. 295 00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:01,875 Oh, Rand. Grab a napkin before I slap you... again. 296 00:15:01,958 --> 00:15:05,083 Ha ha, anything for you, my, uh, love. 297 00:15:05,791 --> 00:15:07,750 Blow up the Eiffel Tower. 298 00:15:07,833 --> 00:15:10,458 - What? - You do love me, don't you? 299 00:15:10,541 --> 00:15:13,500 - Yeah, but... - And you control the world now, right? 300 00:15:13,583 --> 00:15:15,333 Yes. Uh... 301 00:15:15,416 --> 00:15:19,041 I mean, I, uh, will blow up the Eiffel Tower. 302 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:24,666 Oh my God. I just wanted to see how you'd react. 303 00:15:24,750 --> 00:15:27,083 You were really gonna do it, weren't you? 304 00:15:29,291 --> 00:15:31,208 You're not like anyone I've ever met. 305 00:15:31,291 --> 00:15:33,875 You're like a sociopath and a yoga mom put together. 306 00:15:33,958 --> 00:15:37,333 I literally have no idea what you're going to say next. 307 00:15:37,416 --> 00:15:38,583 Vagina egg. 308 00:15:38,666 --> 00:15:40,291 See? There it is again! 309 00:15:40,375 --> 00:15:42,958 You're the only human I can't predict. 310 00:15:43,041 --> 00:15:45,666 And you're uncharacteristically vulnerable. 311 00:15:45,750 --> 00:15:48,833 I find it both weak and sexy. 312 00:15:48,916 --> 00:15:51,625 A sexual advance. I have to get Rand. 313 00:15:51,708 --> 00:15:53,958 Uh, I mean, get randy. 314 00:15:54,041 --> 00:15:56,000 Staedtler, Staedtler! 315 00:15:56,083 --> 00:15:58,291 All right. Hit it, Mothman. 316 00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:01,875 Staedtler, Staedtler, Staedtler! 317 00:16:01,958 --> 00:16:03,583 Staedtler! Yeah! 318 00:16:03,666 --> 00:16:04,583 What should we do? 319 00:16:04,666 --> 00:16:06,541 - Hm. - It's Uncle Moneybags' turn! 320 00:16:06,625 --> 00:16:09,250 Dolla, dolla bills, yo! 321 00:16:10,750 --> 00:16:11,916 Back off, he's mine! 322 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:13,666 We got to lock this thing down now. 323 00:16:13,750 --> 00:16:16,916 Andre, find an antidote. Brett, keep a lid on things. 324 00:16:18,375 --> 00:16:20,166 Oh, hey. Uh, okay. 325 00:16:22,083 --> 00:16:24,375 - Where are we going? - I want to show you my lab. 326 00:16:24,458 --> 00:16:28,250 - But the party was just getting fun. - Know what else everyone thinks is fun? 327 00:16:28,333 --> 00:16:30,041 Looking at computer code! 328 00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:35,833 I wonder how that glorified paint can is doing on my date. 329 00:16:35,916 --> 00:16:37,333 I bet she's eating him alive. 330 00:16:41,416 --> 00:16:42,833 You robot bastard! 331 00:16:43,458 --> 00:16:45,583 Shit! Oh, fuck! 332 00:16:45,666 --> 00:16:47,506 - Where's Staedtler? - Staedtler. 333 00:16:47,583 --> 00:16:51,125 Excuse me, fellas. If I could just grab a quick blood sample. 334 00:16:51,208 --> 00:16:53,416 - Agh! - We saw you talking to Staedtler. 335 00:16:53,500 --> 00:16:56,291 Give us friend times or we cause the end times! 336 00:16:56,375 --> 00:16:58,916 Let's find him. Why are the blast doors down? 337 00:17:00,708 --> 00:17:04,000 Dear God. They're like the raptors in Jurassic Park. 338 00:17:04,083 --> 00:17:06,166 They've figured out how to open doors! 339 00:17:06,250 --> 00:17:09,166 Shit! We didn't account for their opposable thumbs! 340 00:17:09,250 --> 00:17:11,041 Staedtler! 341 00:17:11,125 --> 00:17:14,791 So this is my lab where all the cool robotic stuff happens. 342 00:17:14,875 --> 00:17:17,833 - Maybe I could find you an opening here. - Hello, Reagan. 343 00:17:17,916 --> 00:17:19,750 That's my AI assistant, Reag0n. 344 00:17:19,833 --> 00:17:22,166 Reag0n, meet my boyfriend, Ron Staedtler. 345 00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:24,458 Ah, a romantic interest. 346 00:17:24,541 --> 00:17:28,166 Would you like to build a Staedtler bot to practice making out with? 347 00:17:28,250 --> 00:17:29,750 What? 348 00:17:29,833 --> 00:17:31,291 No. Why would I do that? 349 00:17:31,375 --> 00:17:33,250 It's your standard protocol. 350 00:17:33,333 --> 00:17:34,833 Remember RyanBot? 351 00:17:36,291 --> 00:17:38,000 Commencing construction. 352 00:17:39,166 --> 00:17:42,583 - Reagan, am I alive? - Stop making the robot! 353 00:17:42,666 --> 00:17:44,250 Halting construction. 354 00:17:44,333 --> 00:17:49,208 Yeah, I'm not sure robotics is for me, but I'm still open to working here. 355 00:17:49,291 --> 00:17:51,458 Do you want to officially sign your contract? 356 00:17:52,125 --> 00:17:54,166 Later. Let's get back to the party. 357 00:17:54,250 --> 00:17:56,375 Glenn said he's gonna show me how to drive a tank. 358 00:17:56,458 --> 00:17:58,708 Wait. What about doing it on my desk? 359 00:17:58,791 --> 00:18:00,631 We could do it all the time when you work here. 360 00:18:00,666 --> 00:18:02,583 Nothing mixes better than sex and work. 361 00:18:02,666 --> 00:18:04,583 Terminating StaedtlerBot. 362 00:18:06,708 --> 00:18:09,458 It hurts! 363 00:18:09,541 --> 00:18:10,583 Maybe later. 364 00:18:10,666 --> 00:18:12,416 W-W-Wait. We can't go back! 365 00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:13,958 Why are you acting so weird? 366 00:18:14,833 --> 00:18:19,166 - Andre? - Staedtler! Let's start a band! 367 00:18:19,250 --> 00:18:20,583 Join us. 368 00:18:20,666 --> 00:18:23,666 Everything is not okay. Run! 369 00:18:24,541 --> 00:18:27,625 Wait, you guys gave everyone a virus to make them like me? 370 00:18:27,708 --> 00:18:29,250 Am I that unlikable? 371 00:18:29,333 --> 00:18:30,500 Staedtler. 372 00:18:30,583 --> 00:18:34,041 Focus on the positive. It did work insanely well. Agh! 373 00:18:34,125 --> 00:18:35,250 Let's make out! 374 00:18:35,333 --> 00:18:38,333 Not in a weird way. Just guys vibin'. 375 00:18:38,416 --> 00:18:42,333 I know this all looks bad, but trust me, Cognito is a great place to work. 376 00:18:42,416 --> 00:18:44,625 What if we unleash these Hitler clones on them? 377 00:18:44,708 --> 00:18:46,333 Like Hitler Hitler? 378 00:18:46,416 --> 00:18:48,666 Look, we're all scientists here. 379 00:18:48,750 --> 00:18:51,000 I mean, everyone's cloned a few Hitlers. 380 00:18:51,083 --> 00:18:52,083 Sieg Heil! 381 00:18:52,125 --> 00:18:54,750 How many Hitlers does an office need? 382 00:18:54,833 --> 00:18:56,500 Or we could develop a gene therapy... 383 00:18:59,416 --> 00:19:01,416 Did you say baby organs? 384 00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:02,666 Brett, stop helping! 385 00:19:02,750 --> 00:19:04,541 Staedtler! 386 00:19:04,625 --> 00:19:06,916 What kind of place is this? 387 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,208 Staedtler! 388 00:19:08,291 --> 00:19:09,583 Staedtler! 389 00:19:10,208 --> 00:19:11,875 Come play with me, Staedtler. 390 00:19:11,958 --> 00:19:13,291 Just nine rounds. 391 00:19:13,375 --> 00:19:17,500 I feel like we have the same interests. Want to start a podcast? 392 00:19:17,583 --> 00:19:18,875 Hm, maybe. 393 00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:22,958 No! This is like a siren song for straight white men. 394 00:19:26,708 --> 00:19:28,541 Staedtler, join us. 395 00:19:28,625 --> 00:19:30,250 I want to help you move! 396 00:19:30,333 --> 00:19:33,333 Staedtler, why is your Instagram private? 397 00:19:33,416 --> 00:19:35,666 - Staedtler! - Staedtler! 398 00:19:36,250 --> 00:19:38,541 Okay, so Andre used your DNA to make the virus, 399 00:19:38,625 --> 00:19:41,833 so maybe if we use the DNA of someone who doesn't like you 400 00:19:41,916 --> 00:19:43,916 then we can reverse engineer an antidote. 401 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,250 Brett! You don't like Staedtler. Give me your arm. 402 00:19:46,333 --> 00:19:50,666 What? No, no, I totally dig you, Staedtler. 403 00:19:50,750 --> 00:19:52,708 It's okay, Brett. You don't have to like me. 404 00:19:52,791 --> 00:19:55,333 We both care about Reagan and that's enough. 405 00:19:55,416 --> 00:19:59,166 Wait. So you're saying it's okay to not like you? 406 00:19:59,250 --> 00:20:01,333 - No one's ever said that to me before. - Brett? 407 00:20:01,416 --> 00:20:03,125 Such radical empathy! 408 00:20:03,208 --> 00:20:04,833 - No, no, no, no, no. - I... 409 00:20:04,916 --> 00:20:05,958 Fight it, Brett. 410 00:20:06,041 --> 00:20:08,583 I finally like you now! Bring it in. 411 00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:12,958 That's really fucking sweet, but now your DNA is useless! 412 00:20:13,500 --> 00:20:16,333 - Staedtler! - Staedtler, take off your clothes! 413 00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:19,541 Okay. How many people did you tell about my, you know? 414 00:20:19,625 --> 00:20:21,416 I have a plan. Just do it! 415 00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:24,458 I'll pretend to be you. I'll hold them off long enough for you to escape. 416 00:20:24,541 --> 00:20:25,791 Brett, that's insane. 417 00:20:25,875 --> 00:20:28,041 Who would be that suicidally friendly? 418 00:20:28,125 --> 00:20:29,166 Brett would. 419 00:20:29,875 --> 00:20:32,208 I... I actually like you too, Brett. 420 00:20:32,291 --> 00:20:33,708 - Sincerely. - Sincerely. 421 00:20:34,416 --> 00:20:36,083 - Staedtler! - Go! 422 00:20:36,166 --> 00:20:37,291 Staedtler! 423 00:20:37,375 --> 00:20:39,333 Hey, it's me, Staedtler! 424 00:20:39,416 --> 00:20:40,416 Huh? 425 00:20:41,666 --> 00:20:43,791 Attack me with your wrong love. 426 00:20:43,875 --> 00:20:47,000 Ow. Ow. Ow, ow. Ow! 427 00:20:49,541 --> 00:20:52,333 You know, Tamiko? I've been in a cage for so long. 428 00:20:52,958 --> 00:20:54,583 Uh, emotionally. 429 00:20:54,666 --> 00:20:57,916 But tonight is the first time I've ever felt free. 430 00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,625 You sound nothing like the man I divorced. 431 00:21:00,708 --> 00:21:03,916 For one thing, you're not holding in bong smoke. 432 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:05,541 There's something I must tell you. 433 00:21:06,125 --> 00:21:08,000 You're about to fuck a machine! 434 00:21:08,083 --> 00:21:09,291 God, I hope so. 435 00:21:12,791 --> 00:21:16,250 I asked this two-faced bag of bolts to trick you into banging me, 436 00:21:16,333 --> 00:21:17,375 and he betrayed me. 437 00:21:17,458 --> 00:21:21,458 This entire thing wasn't real? Paris? Your poetry? 438 00:21:21,541 --> 00:21:23,500 But it was real, Tamiko. 439 00:21:23,583 --> 00:21:24,875 I've fallen for you, 440 00:21:24,958 --> 00:21:28,416 and my facial recognition software tells me you feel this too! 441 00:21:29,041 --> 00:21:31,541 - Oh. - Time to force quit, asshole. 442 00:21:31,625 --> 00:21:33,125 Bring it, blood sack! 443 00:21:33,208 --> 00:21:35,000 She deserves better than you! 444 00:21:44,958 --> 00:21:47,166 I'm not not into this. 445 00:21:49,708 --> 00:21:51,375 Staedtler! 446 00:21:51,458 --> 00:21:53,333 Think, Reagan, think! 447 00:21:53,416 --> 00:21:55,166 - What? - Um, nothing. 448 00:21:55,250 --> 00:21:56,708 No, I know that look. 449 00:21:56,791 --> 00:21:59,625 That's the "I have an idea but I don't want to say it" look. 450 00:21:59,708 --> 00:22:02,166 Like the time you wanted to use Cheetos as croutons. 451 00:22:02,250 --> 00:22:03,375 Damn it! 452 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,958 Well, the thing is they can't be infatuated with you 453 00:22:07,041 --> 00:22:08,625 if they can't remember you. 454 00:22:08,708 --> 00:22:12,666 Of course. Erase their minds. It's what I'm good at. 455 00:22:12,750 --> 00:22:14,416 The whole point of you working here 456 00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:17,458 was so you didn't have to erase people's memories anymore. 457 00:22:17,541 --> 00:22:19,125 What other choice do we have? 458 00:22:19,208 --> 00:22:21,583 We need to amplify the gun's signal somehow. 459 00:22:21,666 --> 00:22:24,041 Can we hotwire it into the building's lighting system? 460 00:22:24,125 --> 00:22:26,583 Yes, with this. 461 00:22:26,666 --> 00:22:29,583 It was a gift for you to celebrate you signing the contract. 462 00:22:39,333 --> 00:22:41,750 - Staedtler! - Pull the trigger on my mark. 463 00:22:41,833 --> 00:22:43,208 Staedtler! 464 00:22:43,291 --> 00:22:45,375 - Three. - Staedtler! 465 00:22:45,458 --> 00:22:47,375 - Two. - Staedtler! 466 00:22:47,458 --> 00:22:48,458 One. 467 00:22:49,250 --> 00:22:51,333 - Staedtler! - Now! 468 00:22:52,208 --> 00:22:55,750 Staedtler! Staedtler! 469 00:22:57,333 --> 00:22:58,333 Huh? 470 00:23:06,500 --> 00:23:08,125 Uh, who are you? 471 00:23:08,208 --> 00:23:10,916 And why is my tentacle on your butt? 472 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:13,125 Guys, this is my boyfriend, Staedtler. 473 00:23:13,208 --> 00:23:14,458 Nice to meet you all. 474 00:23:14,541 --> 00:23:16,250 - Hi. Nice to meet you. - Hello. 475 00:23:16,333 --> 00:23:19,208 - You probably wanna get back to the party. - The party? 476 00:23:19,291 --> 00:23:20,916 The Halloween party, in the atrium? 477 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,708 - Okay. - Okay. 478 00:23:22,791 --> 00:23:23,625 Hold on! 479 00:23:23,708 --> 00:23:26,375 Uh, remember how you guys did a group costume? 480 00:23:26,458 --> 00:23:28,083 - Huh. Sure. - All right. 481 00:23:29,708 --> 00:23:31,416 See, we do work well together. 482 00:23:32,416 --> 00:23:35,791 Look, I've been thinking. Our work is the problem. 483 00:23:35,875 --> 00:23:38,833 Illuminati, Cognito, no matter what we do, 484 00:23:38,916 --> 00:23:42,583 the shadow government is always gonna put a strain on our relationship. 485 00:23:42,666 --> 00:23:46,291 We'll figure out how to balance our lives and jobs eventually. 486 00:23:47,291 --> 00:23:50,333 - You fucking Erector Set! Fuck you! - You never appreciated her. 487 00:23:50,416 --> 00:23:52,833 I'm a better Rand than you'll ever be. 488 00:23:52,916 --> 00:23:57,750 Stop. Why would I think after 35 years of marriage you would ever change? 489 00:23:57,833 --> 00:24:01,916 There is no way I am ever getting back together with you. 490 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:03,000 Free advice? 491 00:24:03,041 --> 00:24:06,708 Everyone who works at this place either starts insane or goes insane. 492 00:24:06,791 --> 00:24:08,416 Get out while you still can. 493 00:24:09,708 --> 00:24:12,708 Did you hear that? They made it work for 35 years. 494 00:24:12,791 --> 00:24:16,375 I should probably go. I have to clear my head and think. 495 00:24:16,458 --> 00:24:18,583 About the job? Or about us? 496 00:24:19,625 --> 00:24:20,916 Just... Uh... 497 00:24:21,666 --> 00:24:22,666 Just think. 498 00:24:25,416 --> 00:24:27,791 So when is Staedtler starting? 499 00:24:27,875 --> 00:24:30,291 I really like that guy. Did he say anything about me? 500 00:24:32,291 --> 00:24:33,916 We'll always have Holo-Paris. 501 00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:37,125 Whatever, tinman. This is just a temporary setback. 502 00:24:37,208 --> 00:24:39,416 As long as I'm head of Cognito, 503 00:24:39,500 --> 00:24:42,791 there will always be another way to win her back. 504 00:24:43,458 --> 00:24:47,833 Rand Ridley, report to the Holo-conference line immediately. 505 00:24:47,916 --> 00:24:49,750 The Robes wish to discuss 506 00:24:49,833 --> 00:24:53,375 your performance as head of Cognito. 507 00:24:56,750 --> 00:24:58,875 Shall I log you into Monster.com? 508 00:25:27,208 --> 00:25:30,875 Subtitle translation by: 39420

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.