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1
00:02:48,127 --> 00:02:51,676
(Sighs) Gentlemen...
2
00:02:51,727 --> 00:02:55,436
Gentlemen, I bid you welcome,
3
00:02:55,487 --> 00:03:02,086
and beg at the very outset to be allowed
to express my extreme gratitude... (Groans)
4
00:03:02,127 --> 00:03:06,917
That you have seen fit to grace this noble room
5
00:03:06,967 --> 00:03:10,562
with your presence this afternoon.
6
00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:13,599
I... I have here to hand
7
00:03:13,647 --> 00:03:19,005
a document of high concern
and vast importance...
8
00:03:20,527 --> 00:03:23,439
Vast importance
9
00:03:23,487 --> 00:03:26,604
to each and every one of you.
10
00:03:26,647 --> 00:03:31,243
This document, gentlemen,
sets forth the rules regulating an agreement
11
00:03:31,287 --> 00:03:34,723
to enter upon a venture known as a tontine.
12
00:03:34,767 --> 00:03:36,166
"...tontine."
13
00:03:36,207 --> 00:03:41,156
A tontine is, in point of fact, a lottery,
14
00:03:41,207 --> 00:03:44,324
a lottery, plain and simple, gentlemen.
15
00:03:44,367 --> 00:03:45,766
"...simple."
16
00:03:45,807 --> 00:03:50,119
Into this tontine each parent - or guardian -
17
00:03:50,167 --> 00:03:53,398
has placed for each of you and in your name
18
00:03:53,447 --> 00:03:57,599
the sum of £1,000 sterling.
19
00:03:57,647 --> 00:04:01,196
The sum so constituted is to be administered
20
00:04:01,247 --> 00:04:04,000
by a self-perpetuating board
21
00:04:04,047 --> 00:04:08,882
and held in trust by them
for whomsoever survives.
22
00:04:08,927 --> 00:04:10,280
"...survives."
23
00:04:10,327 --> 00:04:15,162
This £20,000 will grow and grow,
24
00:04:15,207 --> 00:04:21,237
under astute management,
who will charge but a nominal fee,
25
00:04:21,287 --> 00:04:24,199
and this by then great sum
26
00:04:24,247 --> 00:04:27,045
will be handed to the one amongst you
27
00:04:27,087 --> 00:04:30,841
who is the last surviving member of the tontine.
28
00:04:30,887 --> 00:04:34,163
It is as plain and as simple as that.
29
00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:39,122
Therefore, allow me to say, in conclusion,
long life to all.
30
00:04:40,127 --> 00:04:44,803
But since no other shall be present
when the winner has won...
31
00:04:44,847 --> 00:04:47,122
"...has won..."
32
00:04:47,167 --> 00:04:49,362
...let us cheer him now.
33
00:04:49,407 --> 00:04:53,195
He whom fate sees fit to favour.
34
00:04:55,287 --> 00:04:57,721
Oh. Hip-hip.
35
00:04:57,767 --> 00:04:59,280
ALL: Hooray!
36
00:04:59,327 --> 00:05:01,795
- Hip-hip.
- Hooray!
37
00:05:01,847 --> 00:05:05,476
- (Weakly) Hip-hip.
- Hooray!
38
00:05:20,447 --> 00:05:22,915
- Cannon reloaded?
- Cannon reloaded, sir.
39
00:05:22,967 --> 00:05:24,878
- Then fire.
- But sir...
40
00:05:24,927 --> 00:05:26,918
You heard me, man. Fire!
41
00:05:35,407 --> 00:05:38,877
Never fear, ladies. He knows his prey.
42
00:05:38,927 --> 00:05:40,406
(Giggling)
43
00:05:40,447 --> 00:05:43,041
Ah, see, yonder.
44
00:05:45,207 --> 00:05:47,562
- (Screeches)
- Kill!
45
00:05:47,607 --> 00:05:50,167
(Screams)
46
00:05:59,207 --> 00:06:01,198
(Wind howling)
47
00:06:14,087 --> 00:06:16,840
In the name of the Queen...
48
00:06:22,967 --> 00:06:27,404
And so it gives me great pleasure
to name this ship Repulsion.
49
00:06:27,447 --> 00:06:30,439
God bless all who sail in her.
50
00:06:30,487 --> 00:06:32,478
(Cheering)
51
00:06:37,887 --> 00:06:39,479
(Gunshot)
52
00:06:39,527 --> 00:06:41,518
You swine!
53
00:06:45,847 --> 00:06:47,838
(Yells)
54
00:06:48,847 --> 00:06:53,159
They're disorganised!
Victory must soon be ours. Sound the charge!
55
00:06:53,207 --> 00:06:56,324
- Sound the what, sir?
- Give that to me, you fool.
56
00:06:56,367 --> 00:06:59,245
(Blows weakly)
57
00:06:59,287 --> 00:07:01,278
(Screams)
58
00:07:10,127 --> 00:07:15,963
Now, then, my good men, what's all this
poppycock about the mine not being safe, eh?
59
00:07:16,007 --> 00:07:18,521
Speak up. What's wrong with it?
60
00:07:24,967 --> 00:07:29,199
Not yet, Tumba.
You must learn the white man's code.
61
00:07:29,247 --> 00:07:32,523
It is not sporting, it is not done,
62
00:07:32,567 --> 00:07:35,286
to fire at rhino until he's actually charging.
63
00:07:35,327 --> 00:07:37,795
(Galloping footsteps and growling)
64
00:08:05,007 --> 00:08:06,998
(Gunshots)
65
00:08:17,887 --> 00:08:20,606
When I die, my son...
66
00:08:21,647 --> 00:08:24,764
...all this will be yours.
67
00:08:28,647 --> 00:08:30,638
Yes, Father.
68
00:08:53,807 --> 00:09:00,804
In recognition of your many and varied services
to the Crown...
69
00:09:06,887 --> 00:09:08,878
...I dub thee...
70
00:09:09,687 --> 00:09:11,678
(Thud)
71
00:09:14,247 --> 00:09:15,839
Oh.
72
00:09:16,727 --> 00:09:20,606
We are frightfully sorry, Sir Robert.
73
00:09:58,727 --> 00:10:01,605
- Michael...
- Yes...
74
00:10:02,727 --> 00:10:05,036
Yes, Grandfather?
75
00:10:05,087 --> 00:10:07,840
(Weakly) The time has come...
76
00:10:08,527 --> 00:10:10,199
Yes.
77
00:10:10,247 --> 00:10:14,081
Yes, I really believe the time has come.
78
00:10:17,207 --> 00:10:21,086
At last. At last.
79
00:10:36,927 --> 00:10:40,397
Not so fast, sir! You're a very quick man
with the sheet, Michael.
80
00:10:40,447 --> 00:10:43,359
Oh, yes, yes. You see, sir, I thought...
81
00:10:43,407 --> 00:10:46,604
I know what you thought, sir.
But let me tell you something.
82
00:10:46,647 --> 00:10:50,435
Death cannot be assumed
simply because signs of life are not present.
83
00:10:51,407 --> 00:10:53,967
Hasn't medical school taught you
how to take a pulse?
84
00:10:54,007 --> 00:10:56,157
Oh, we have touched on it, sir.
85
00:10:56,207 --> 00:10:58,357
But mostly, we cut up things.
86
00:10:58,407 --> 00:11:00,398
Hmm.
87
00:11:01,207 --> 00:11:04,563
- Do you know what this is?
- No, sir. I gave it to you unopened.
88
00:11:04,607 --> 00:11:07,075
- Hackett is dead.
- Hackett, sir?
89
00:11:07,127 --> 00:11:10,039
Mm-hm. Ebenezer Hackett.
I went to school with him.
90
00:11:10,087 --> 00:11:13,363
An unpleasant name for a dirty little boy
and an even dirtier old man.
91
00:11:13,407 --> 00:11:15,159
Died of the pox, no doubt.
92
00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:21,316
Now, the point is, sir, it only leaves
my brother Joseph and me in the tontine.
93
00:11:21,367 --> 00:11:23,278
- Oh, yes, I see, sir.
- Do you, sir? Do you?
94
00:11:23,327 --> 00:11:27,206
I doubt it. I doubt it.
But we're not concerned with you, are we, eh?
95
00:11:27,247 --> 00:11:29,966
We're concerned with me -
my thoughts and feelings.
96
00:11:30,007 --> 00:11:31,838
- That's right, sir.
- Yes.
97
00:11:31,887 --> 00:11:34,765
Now, you're to go and get Joseph
and tell him I want to see him.
98
00:11:34,807 --> 00:11:36,035
Yes, sir.
99
00:11:37,767 --> 00:11:41,396
- Won't that upset you, sir?
- Upset me? But of course it'll upset me.
100
00:11:41,447 --> 00:11:44,200
But nothing will upset me more
than not winning the tontine
101
00:11:44,247 --> 00:11:47,159
and leaving you with a mountain of debts
and a doubtful future
102
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:50,279
as an idiot
in a profession of rogues and charlatans.
103
00:11:50,327 --> 00:11:51,965
So, get him and tell him I'm dying.
104
00:11:59,247 --> 00:12:00,885
Thank you, Peacock.
105
00:12:00,927 --> 00:12:02,804
(Feebly) Privilege, sir.
106
00:12:03,767 --> 00:12:06,486
How's your grandfather this morning?
107
00:12:06,527 --> 00:12:10,361
- He says he's dying, Peacock.
- Oh, they always say that, sir.
108
00:12:10,407 --> 00:12:14,082
But Peacock,
he wants to see his brother Joseph.
109
00:12:14,127 --> 00:12:16,118
- Master Joseph?
- Yes.
110
00:12:17,527 --> 00:12:21,361
But they haven't even spoken to each other
for 40 years.
111
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:23,716
Yes, I know, Peacock.
112
00:12:23,767 --> 00:12:26,156
He must be dying! (Chuckles)
113
00:12:26,207 --> 00:12:28,721
Yes. Goodbye, Peacock.
114
00:12:29,447 --> 00:12:31,756
Good day...
115
00:12:31,807 --> 00:12:33,399
Michael.
116
00:12:33,447 --> 00:12:35,085
(Door closes)
117
00:12:35,127 --> 00:12:38,802
There's too much excitement in this house.
118
00:12:57,047 --> 00:12:59,242
WOMAN: Yes? Who is that?
119
00:13:00,567 --> 00:13:02,683
Oh, er... yes.
120
00:13:02,727 --> 00:13:05,958
Er... is Joseph Finsbury at home?
121
00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:09,806
I can't hear you. Could you speak a little lower?
122
00:13:14,407 --> 00:13:17,638
(Softly) Is Joseph Finsbury at home?
123
00:13:17,687 --> 00:13:19,678
Lower.
124
00:13:23,687 --> 00:13:26,724
- (Whispering) Is Joseph...
(Letterbox rattles)
125
00:13:32,207 --> 00:13:34,198
Oh, er...
126
00:13:35,487 --> 00:13:39,241
Joseph Finsbury. Is he at home?
127
00:13:39,287 --> 00:13:41,323
- No, he is not.
- Oh.
128
00:13:43,327 --> 00:13:46,205
Could you tell me, then, when he is expected?
129
00:13:46,247 --> 00:13:48,556
Who, may I ask, is enquiring?
130
00:13:48,607 --> 00:13:50,484
- Oh, allow me...
(Thud)
131
00:13:50,527 --> 00:13:53,280
Allow me to introduce myself.
132
00:13:53,327 --> 00:13:56,842
I am Michael Finsbury, of the same name.
133
00:13:56,887 --> 00:13:58,878
Oh...
134
00:14:02,047 --> 00:14:04,277
Oh, I'm sorry to seem so inhospitable,
135
00:14:04,327 --> 00:14:09,162
but in the past 12 months alone,
over 320 girls in the Greater London area
136
00:14:09,207 --> 00:14:13,564
have been attacked by persons unknown,
and many of them unnecessarily mutilated.
137
00:14:13,607 --> 00:14:15,723
- Do come in.
- Oh, yes.
138
00:14:16,567 --> 00:14:18,558
Thank you.
139
00:14:21,487 --> 00:14:24,285
They do say
it's something to do with the weather.
140
00:14:25,247 --> 00:14:27,522
Oh... yes.
141
00:14:28,927 --> 00:14:31,725
So, you're Michael Finsbury?
142
00:14:31,767 --> 00:14:33,325
Yes.
143
00:14:33,367 --> 00:14:37,042
Actually, Michael Hubert Gregory Finsbury.
144
00:14:37,087 --> 00:14:39,476
And I am your cousin Julia.
145
00:14:39,527 --> 00:14:41,518
Yes, I know.
146
00:14:45,127 --> 00:14:47,516
- Do come in.
- Thank you.
147
00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:03,923
Oh, yes...
148
00:15:03,967 --> 00:15:06,527
Er... do you er...
149
00:15:08,167 --> 00:15:11,000
- Do you breed birds?
- Oh, no.
150
00:15:11,047 --> 00:15:14,119
Cousin Morris is an ardent collector of eggs.
151
00:15:14,167 --> 00:15:17,079
He has spent most of his adult life
in the pursuit of them.
152
00:15:17,127 --> 00:15:20,199
- Most commendable.
- Oh, do you think so?
153
00:15:20,247 --> 00:15:23,239
I find them... obscene.
154
00:15:23,287 --> 00:15:26,484
Well, yes, yes, of course. They are obscene.
155
00:15:26,527 --> 00:15:30,805
I suddenly see now how obscene they are.
156
00:15:36,927 --> 00:15:39,157
He doesn't pursue birds, I take it?
157
00:15:39,207 --> 00:15:41,084
No. Only eggs.
158
00:15:41,127 --> 00:15:44,358
Well, I'm glad,
because that would be even more obscene.
159
00:15:44,407 --> 00:15:47,717
Oh, I can see you are a deep thinker, like me.
160
00:15:47,767 --> 00:15:50,327
What is your particular interest?
161
00:15:50,367 --> 00:15:54,406
My consuming interest is the human body.
162
00:15:54,447 --> 00:15:56,324
Oh...
163
00:15:56,367 --> 00:15:59,837
Oh, I am studying to be a surgeon at St Mary's.
164
00:15:59,887 --> 00:16:03,926
Oh, I see. So, that's where you go
every morning. I see you often...
165
00:16:03,967 --> 00:16:06,037
er... through the window.
166
00:16:06,087 --> 00:16:10,365
Oh, what an extraordinary coincidence!
I look at you through the window.
167
00:16:10,407 --> 00:16:15,083
And I've often had a burning desire... to nod.
168
00:16:15,127 --> 00:16:17,846
But my grandfather
does not approve of such things.
169
00:16:18,807 --> 00:16:20,798
Nor does my Uncle Joseph.
170
00:16:24,607 --> 00:16:26,598
Yes.
171
00:16:27,727 --> 00:16:29,718
Well...
172
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:33,398
There it is, then.
173
00:16:35,087 --> 00:16:37,237
Is he at home, your Uncle Joseph?
174
00:16:37,287 --> 00:16:42,315
Oh, no. He is in Bournemouth, taking the sun,
with Cousin Morris and Cousin John.
175
00:16:42,367 --> 00:16:44,483
Oh.
176
00:16:44,527 --> 00:16:47,439
Might I enquire why you are enquiring?
177
00:16:47,487 --> 00:16:49,762
- Well, my grandfather is dying.
- Oh...
178
00:16:49,807 --> 00:16:53,004
Oh, it's nothing serious.
He's been dying for years.
179
00:16:53,047 --> 00:16:55,686
But now he seems
to have taken a turn for the worse,
180
00:16:55,727 --> 00:17:00,005
and he wants desperately to see his brother,
before it is too late.
181
00:17:00,047 --> 00:17:03,881
Well, you...
you could send Uncle Joseph a telegraph.
182
00:17:03,927 --> 00:17:07,556
They say
the telegraphic service has much to commend it.
183
00:17:07,607 --> 00:17:10,246
Yes. I've heard them say that.
184
00:17:11,487 --> 00:17:13,796
What an excellent idea!
185
00:17:13,847 --> 00:17:16,202
I've never sent one.
186
00:17:16,247 --> 00:17:18,807
One should always broaden one's horizons.
187
00:17:18,847 --> 00:17:20,838
Oh, yes...
188
00:17:22,327 --> 00:17:24,318
Yes.
189
00:17:26,007 --> 00:17:27,838
Well...
190
00:17:27,887 --> 00:17:29,878
That's what I'll do, then.
191
00:17:32,007 --> 00:17:34,760
Oh, thank you for pointing out to me
192
00:17:34,807 --> 00:17:37,241
how obscene eggs are.
193
00:17:37,287 --> 00:17:40,563
It was a most... Excuse me.
194
00:17:40,607 --> 00:17:42,882
It was a most illuminating observation.
195
00:17:44,847 --> 00:17:47,281
Oh...
196
00:17:47,327 --> 00:17:49,636
It was superb of you to call.
197
00:17:49,687 --> 00:17:52,724
Oh, not at all.
I hope I shall see a great deal more of you.
198
00:17:52,767 --> 00:17:54,405
(Gasps)
199
00:17:54,447 --> 00:17:57,200
Well... off to St Mary's.
200
00:17:57,247 --> 00:18:00,045
Oh, yes, I'm... l'm...
201
00:18:00,087 --> 00:18:02,521
I'm sure they have need of you there.
202
00:18:03,927 --> 00:18:09,206
Along with everything else, Uncle Joseph says
there are 124 tropical diseases
203
00:18:09,247 --> 00:18:11,807
that can be contracted here in England.
204
00:18:11,847 --> 00:18:14,919
Mainly from fresh fruit, returning travellers and...
205
00:18:17,127 --> 00:18:19,561
...hand towels in public places.
206
00:18:24,487 --> 00:18:26,364
- 124?
- Yes.
207
00:18:26,407 --> 00:18:28,398
Really?
208
00:18:28,447 --> 00:18:32,156
I must make a note of that. Goodbye.
209
00:18:32,207 --> 00:18:33,242
Goodbye.
210
00:18:44,967 --> 00:18:47,242
Oh! Oh!
211
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:50,925
Listen to me, all you eggs. I met him!
212
00:18:50,967 --> 00:18:53,276
I've finally met him!
213
00:18:53,327 --> 00:18:55,318
(Knock at door)
214
00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:57,039
Oh...
215
00:18:59,127 --> 00:19:02,199
- Yes?
- It's Michael Finsbury again.
216
00:19:02,247 --> 00:19:07,560
Oh... we mustn't make a habit of this.
People will begin to talk.
217
00:19:07,607 --> 00:19:09,996
Oh, I fully agree.
218
00:19:10,047 --> 00:19:13,323
It's just that...
I don't know where to send the telegraph.
219
00:19:13,367 --> 00:19:16,962
Oh. Mrs Goodge's Boarding House...
220
00:19:17,007 --> 00:19:19,567
Mrs Goodge's Boarding House...
221
00:19:19,607 --> 00:19:22,167
...Flodden Road...
...Flodden Road...
222
00:19:22,207 --> 00:19:24,596
...Bournemouth...
...Bournemouth...
223
00:19:26,127 --> 00:19:29,278
- (Softly)... Hants.
...Hants.
224
00:19:29,327 --> 00:19:31,318
(Seagulls crying)
225
00:19:33,527 --> 00:19:35,324
(Blows)
226
00:19:36,247 --> 00:19:37,680
(Splutters)
227
00:19:37,727 --> 00:19:40,525
(Giggling)
228
00:19:46,447 --> 00:19:47,800
Funny.
229
00:19:53,247 --> 00:19:57,684
John! What are you doing? You're supposed
to be looking after Uncle Joseph.
230
00:19:57,727 --> 00:20:02,243
Ah! Uncle Joseph. I knew there was somebody
I was supposed to be looking after.
231
00:20:02,287 --> 00:20:05,359
Erm... I merely threw my body
across this young lady,
232
00:20:05,407 --> 00:20:07,716
to protect her from the falling... thing.
233
00:20:07,767 --> 00:20:10,804
You realise you made me drop my grebe?
234
00:20:11,727 --> 00:20:14,082
Oh, I'm awfully sorry, Morris.
235
00:20:14,127 --> 00:20:16,641
Come outside.
236
00:20:16,687 --> 00:20:19,679
Oh, Mr John,
do you think he'll get me my notice?
237
00:20:19,727 --> 00:20:24,278
Oh, don't worry. I'll take care of Mrs Goodge.
Tonight, then, at eight, behind the bandstand.
238
00:20:24,327 --> 00:20:26,079
Oh, you insatiable creature!
239
00:20:26,127 --> 00:20:28,516
MORRIS: - John, I'm waiting!
(Door closes)
240
00:20:30,007 --> 00:20:34,637
You must control this obsession you have
for chambermaids and other girls of that class.
241
00:20:34,687 --> 00:20:36,484
I try. Night and day, I try.
242
00:20:36,527 --> 00:20:38,836
Oh, there you are, boys.
243
00:20:38,887 --> 00:20:42,004
I was just about to take this telegraph
to your uncle.
244
00:20:42,047 --> 00:20:44,003
Telegraph? From whom?
245
00:20:44,047 --> 00:20:47,198
I don't know, Mr Morris.
Private matters are private with me.
246
00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:49,238
I'll take it.
247
00:20:51,807 --> 00:20:54,162
We must relive our madness tonight.
248
00:20:54,207 --> 00:20:57,040
Ten o'clock, under the pier.
249
00:20:59,847 --> 00:21:01,963
I'm coming, Cousin.
250
00:21:03,447 --> 00:21:06,007
- What is it, Cousin?
- Look at that.
251
00:21:06,047 --> 00:21:08,038
(Laughing feverishly)
252
00:21:09,047 --> 00:21:11,720
We're going to win!
253
00:21:11,767 --> 00:21:15,476
We're going to win!
We're going to win! We're going to win!
254
00:21:15,527 --> 00:21:18,883
(Laughing and giggling)
- We're going to win! We're going to win!
255
00:21:18,927 --> 00:21:22,681
We're going to win! We're going to win!
256
00:21:23,687 --> 00:21:26,679
Later. Later. No time for celebration now.
257
00:21:27,927 --> 00:21:29,519
Uncle!
258
00:21:29,567 --> 00:21:32,718
(Sniffs) Have you been smoking again, Uncle?
259
00:21:32,767 --> 00:21:35,235
And you're in a draught. The window's open.
260
00:21:35,287 --> 00:21:37,198
Well, shut it, and get his coat and things.
261
00:21:37,247 --> 00:21:39,238
Uncle, dear, you're going out.
262
00:21:39,287 --> 00:21:41,084
Going out? Well, that'll be jolly.
263
00:21:41,127 --> 00:21:43,083
Yes, you're going to London.
264
00:21:43,127 --> 00:21:45,197
London? Yes.
265
00:21:45,247 --> 00:21:48,205
Now, where did I put it? Where is it?
266
00:21:49,247 --> 00:21:51,442
Ah, here it is. Now, London.
267
00:21:51,487 --> 00:21:54,240
Now, if you ascribe a number
to each letter of the alphabet,
268
00:21:54,287 --> 00:21:58,599
beginning with A as one and B as two,
culminating with the letter Z as 26,
269
00:21:58,647 --> 00:22:03,004
then the letters that compose the word London
add up to 74,
270
00:22:03,047 --> 00:22:05,561
which, coincidentally, is my 4g3.
271
00:22:05,607 --> 00:22:08,326
- Lovely, Uncle. Now, read this.
- Yes. Get into your coat.
272
00:22:08,367 --> 00:22:10,642
Why... Why this unseemly haste?
273
00:22:10,687 --> 00:22:13,838
- Your brother is dying.
- What did you say?
274
00:22:13,887 --> 00:22:19,439
What? Masterman? Masterman dying?
This must be the effect of the nutmeg tarts.
275
00:22:19,487 --> 00:22:21,079
(Scoffs) Nutmeg tarts!
276
00:22:21,127 --> 00:22:23,163
At Harrow he lived on little else.
277
00:22:23,207 --> 00:22:25,118
- Where are your gloves?
- I don't know.
278
00:22:25,167 --> 00:22:28,796
I have for some time
been compiling exhaustive notes
279
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:32,283
on the peculiarities
of spices and herbs in common use,
280
00:22:32,327 --> 00:22:35,956
and I have discovered
that it can be authoritatively proved
281
00:22:36,007 --> 00:22:38,567
that the excessive indulgence in nutmeg
282
00:22:38,607 --> 00:22:42,520
leads to hallucination and general debilitation.
283
00:22:42,567 --> 00:22:46,037
Pepper, on the other hand,
in any form or variety, passes through the body
284
00:22:46,087 --> 00:22:48,396
without any effect on the organs.
285
00:22:48,447 --> 00:22:51,564
It has absolutely no value, nutritive or otherwise.
286
00:22:51,607 --> 00:22:54,041
But, in the case of cinnamon or cloves...
287
00:22:54,087 --> 00:22:55,839
- Uncle...
- Yes? You have a question?
288
00:22:55,887 --> 00:22:57,684
Read your paper.
289
00:22:58,607 --> 00:23:01,360
- Tontine!
- Lovely word!
290
00:23:01,407 --> 00:23:04,717
- Tontine!
- A derivation from the name Lorenzo Tonti,
291
00:23:04,767 --> 00:23:06,598
a banker of Neapolitan persuasion.
292
00:23:06,647 --> 00:23:08,683
Read your paper, Uncle.
293
00:23:08,727 --> 00:23:12,197
Morris, have you any idea how much it's worth?
294
00:23:14,287 --> 00:23:16,403
Well over £100,000.
295
00:23:17,847 --> 00:23:20,042
And we've earned every penny of it.
296
00:23:20,087 --> 00:23:23,238
True, Cousin. True.
We've devoted our lives to him.
297
00:23:23,287 --> 00:23:27,075
We were two little orphans.
We waited on him hand and foot.
298
00:23:27,127 --> 00:23:29,402
It wasn't easy, keeping him alive.
299
00:23:29,447 --> 00:23:31,756
- Yes, it was difficult.
(Train whistle)
300
00:23:32,727 --> 00:23:34,524
MORRIS: We kept him from the draughts.
301
00:23:34,567 --> 00:23:36,797
JOHN:
We warmed his shoes before we put them on.
302
00:23:36,847 --> 00:23:39,884
- We tucked him up in bed at night.
- Fed him every sort of tonic.
303
00:23:39,927 --> 00:23:43,602
- Never thinking of ourselves.
- First in our hearts, first in our minds.
304
00:23:43,647 --> 00:23:46,525
And now, after all these years...
305
00:23:46,567 --> 00:23:48,159
he's gone.
306
00:23:48,207 --> 00:23:49,686
BOTH: He's gone?
307
00:23:52,567 --> 00:23:54,558
You go that way.
308
00:23:55,607 --> 00:23:58,121
- Excuse me, sir.
- Excuse you, sir?
309
00:23:58,167 --> 00:24:00,556
Mannerless young pup! Ought to be in the Army.
310
00:24:05,007 --> 00:24:06,645
(Train whistle)
311
00:24:08,847 --> 00:24:12,396
I beg your pardon, sir.
I take it these seats are not reserved.
312
00:24:15,447 --> 00:24:19,076
I see you are proficient
in the ancient and noble art of knitting.
313
00:24:19,127 --> 00:24:23,405
I'm sure you know that examples of knitting,
much like your afghan there,
314
00:24:23,447 --> 00:24:25,483
date back to the mainstream
315
00:24:25,527 --> 00:24:27,836
of the Egyptian civilisation.
316
00:24:27,887 --> 00:24:31,436
Ah, the avocational activities of man
are many and varied.
317
00:24:31,487 --> 00:24:34,365
Some demand skill - yours, for instance.
318
00:24:34,407 --> 00:24:39,606
Carpentry, or the playing of games
with balls of various sizes.
319
00:24:43,127 --> 00:24:44,719
- Have you found him?
- No.
320
00:24:44,767 --> 00:24:46,405
Come on, then. This way.
321
00:24:46,447 --> 00:24:48,563
Some demand inspiration -
322
00:24:48,607 --> 00:24:51,201
oil painting or the writing of epitaphs.
323
00:24:51,247 --> 00:24:54,319
The rest of us, an uninspired lot, collect things.
324
00:24:54,367 --> 00:24:56,358
My nephew, for instance...
325
00:24:57,167 --> 00:25:01,080
...with whom I'm travelling... collects birds' eggs.
326
00:25:01,127 --> 00:25:05,518
And I, for the last 63 years,
have been collecting facts.
327
00:25:17,927 --> 00:25:20,043
- He seems safe enough.
- Yes.
328
00:25:27,247 --> 00:25:31,763
What a joy it is to indulge in convivial
conversation with a fellow being, a kindred spirit.
329
00:25:31,807 --> 00:25:34,685
This will prove the most amiable journey -
330
00:25:34,727 --> 00:25:38,640
you pursuing your hobby and me mine.
331
00:25:40,207 --> 00:25:45,281
"Bournemouth strangler escapes.
Large-scale murder hunt in three counties."
332
00:25:45,327 --> 00:25:47,887
Ah, murder and murderers.
333
00:25:47,927 --> 00:25:51,044
I once gave an informal lecture on the subject.
334
00:25:51,087 --> 00:25:53,282
I wonder if you're aware, sir, of the fact
335
00:25:53,327 --> 00:25:58,003
that there is an increasing number
of unsolved murders every year.
336
00:25:58,047 --> 00:26:00,242
Now, this fact I gleaned from a pamphlet
337
00:26:00,287 --> 00:26:02,642
by the noted criminologist Sir Henry Stanhope -
338
00:26:02,687 --> 00:26:06,441
whose own murder, I might add,
was never solved.
339
00:26:08,087 --> 00:26:11,238
My word, sir,
I perceive we are travelling at a goodish rate.
340
00:26:11,287 --> 00:26:13,278
(Roar of engine)
341
00:26:16,967 --> 00:26:20,357
You realise, sir, I state only facts, no opinions,
342
00:26:20,407 --> 00:26:23,365
and this fascinates everyone I meet.
343
00:26:24,087 --> 00:26:26,681
Oh, don't be alarmed.
344
00:26:26,727 --> 00:26:30,720
I shall continue, but for the moment,
I must take my leave.
345
00:27:01,327 --> 00:27:03,318
Next stop: Basingstoke!
346
00:27:05,207 --> 00:27:07,437
Basingstoke, next stop!
347
00:27:26,167 --> 00:27:30,683
Er... Morris,
I may or may not be back in a moment.
348
00:27:36,287 --> 00:27:39,723
Uncle, where are you going? Uncle!
349
00:27:47,647 --> 00:27:51,276
- (Gasps) How dare you?
- My apologies. I'm looking for my uncle.
350
00:27:51,327 --> 00:27:54,956
- Well, do I look like anybody's uncle?
- No, no. I'm terribly sorry.
351
00:28:11,687 --> 00:28:14,281
- What do you make that out to be?
- What's that?
352
00:28:21,327 --> 00:28:23,716
(Train whistle)
353
00:28:26,927 --> 00:28:29,680
- 'Tain't, is it?
- It is, you know.
354
00:28:29,727 --> 00:28:32,241
It's the 4.40 out of London!
355
00:28:32,287 --> 00:28:34,562
It's the 4.50 out of Bournemouth!
356
00:28:34,607 --> 00:28:36,837
(Screeching)
357
00:28:39,007 --> 00:28:40,725
(Train whistle)
358
00:28:40,767 --> 00:28:42,917
(Crash)
359
00:28:47,967 --> 00:28:49,958
(Screaming in distance)
360
00:28:55,527 --> 00:28:57,518
(Lowing)
361
00:29:10,327 --> 00:29:11,919
(Lowing)
362
00:29:19,207 --> 00:29:24,042
Help me! Help me, somebody!
I think there's been an accident.
363
00:29:24,087 --> 00:29:25,600
Fred...
364
00:29:25,647 --> 00:29:27,638
- Yeah?
- We haven't heard the last of this.
365
00:29:27,687 --> 00:29:30,360
MAN: Drag them out of the cab!
- (Shouting)
366
00:29:30,407 --> 00:29:33,240
What's going on here, sir? Control yourself.
367
00:29:33,287 --> 00:29:35,278
Look here! Stop all this damn rioting.
368
00:29:35,327 --> 00:29:38,285
Now, look here, you men.
Dowse that fire in the baggage van.
369
00:29:38,327 --> 00:29:42,479
Now, the children will arrange themselves
by height, and the women in alphabetical order.
370
00:29:42,527 --> 00:29:45,439
Now, I want a couple of volunteers.
You and you. Now, follow me.
371
00:29:48,567 --> 00:29:50,558
(Fabric tearing)
372
00:29:52,487 --> 00:29:54,000
(Tearing)
373
00:29:54,047 --> 00:29:56,925
Get those bags down. Form a human chain.
374
00:30:04,887 --> 00:30:09,722
Sir... I didn't lose my right eye in the Indian Mutiny
to have my left eye offended
375
00:30:09,767 --> 00:30:12,759
by the youth of England
standing with their arses hanging out.
376
00:30:12,807 --> 00:30:14,684
Dress yourself, sir. Dress yourself.
377
00:30:14,727 --> 00:30:18,356
One of the most disgusting sights
I've ever seen. Dress yourself, sir.
378
00:30:18,407 --> 00:30:22,116
You are, I suppose, aware of the fact
that accidents occur with more frequency
379
00:30:22,167 --> 00:30:24,476
on standard-gauge railways?
380
00:30:24,527 --> 00:30:28,725
Abigail? Abigail? Abigail?
381
00:30:28,767 --> 00:30:31,884
Has anyone seen Abigail?
382
00:30:31,927 --> 00:30:34,566
(John chuckling)
383
00:30:34,607 --> 00:30:37,280
(Woman giggling)
384
00:30:37,327 --> 00:30:41,639
John! Come out of there at once.
Where's Uncle Joseph? Where is he?
385
00:30:41,687 --> 00:30:44,155
Er... l... was just having a look for him in there.
386
00:30:44,207 --> 00:30:46,641
- Come along.
- Morris...
387
00:30:46,687 --> 00:30:49,440
Do you realise
it's a criminal offence to wear that coat?
388
00:30:49,487 --> 00:30:51,603
(Hisses) I'm not wearing any trousers.
389
00:30:52,567 --> 00:30:55,798
But... but that too is a criminal affair.
390
00:30:55,847 --> 00:30:57,997
JOHN: Uncle Joseph?
391
00:30:58,047 --> 00:31:02,563
- I hope you don't mind if I take my leave.
- Oh, would you, sir?
392
00:31:03,647 --> 00:31:05,638
MORRIS: Uncle Joseph?
393
00:31:08,647 --> 00:31:10,638
Uncle Joseph?
394
00:31:12,047 --> 00:31:14,038
Uncle Joseph?
395
00:31:17,607 --> 00:31:19,404
Cousin!
396
00:31:20,367 --> 00:31:22,642
Oh... oh, no.
397
00:31:22,687 --> 00:31:25,281
Oh, don't tell me. I can't bear it. Is it him?
398
00:31:25,327 --> 00:31:27,795
- Of course it's him!
- Well, how do you know?
399
00:31:27,847 --> 00:31:30,566
Well, look at his coat. It's his coat.
400
00:31:30,607 --> 00:31:32,598
Is he dead?
401
00:31:34,287 --> 00:31:36,403
What's left of him is very dead indeed.
402
00:31:38,007 --> 00:31:40,123
Are you going to say a prayer or something?
403
00:31:40,167 --> 00:31:41,998
Not at a time like this.
404
00:31:42,047 --> 00:31:46,006
Now, you listen to me, Uncle Joseph.
You may be dead, but you listen to me.
405
00:31:46,047 --> 00:31:49,403
You're a nasty, mean,
spiteful, vindictive old man,
406
00:31:49,447 --> 00:31:51,278
to do this to two little orphans.
407
00:31:51,327 --> 00:31:54,319
Your brother's on his deathbed.
Couldn't you have waited a day?
408
00:31:54,367 --> 00:31:56,005
You stupid oaf!
409
00:31:57,047 --> 00:31:59,515
- Look, I'll get some help.
- What's the use?
410
00:32:01,607 --> 00:32:03,598
Wait. Let me think.
411
00:32:05,807 --> 00:32:09,197
- Into the woods.
- Oh. Right. Yes.
412
00:32:10,167 --> 00:32:11,919
- With him!
- Who?
413
00:32:11,967 --> 00:32:15,039
- Uncle Joseph.
- Into the woods with Uncle Joseph?
414
00:32:15,087 --> 00:32:17,601
Don't stand there.
The tontine - we may still win it.
415
00:32:17,647 --> 00:32:21,322
- But he's dead.
- He's not dead until I say he's dead.
416
00:32:26,647 --> 00:32:27,397
Hey!
417
00:32:29,047 --> 00:32:30,639
Hey, sir!
418
00:32:30,687 --> 00:32:35,124
Ah. I wonder, sir, if you and your fine
bay gelding are heading for London.
419
00:32:35,167 --> 00:32:37,806
- I am, sir.
- And what would you ask a passenger?
420
00:32:37,847 --> 00:32:40,919
- Your company would be payment enough, sir.
- Oh...
421
00:32:40,967 --> 00:32:43,242
Well, thank you.
422
00:32:43,287 --> 00:32:45,084
(Chuckles)
423
00:32:45,127 --> 00:32:47,243
Hey.
424
00:32:47,287 --> 00:32:53,078
Well, I wonder if you realise how many times
the word "whip" occurs in the Old Testament.
425
00:32:53,127 --> 00:32:55,004
174 times.
426
00:32:55,047 --> 00:32:58,596
Oh, I see you are impressed.
But that figure is infinitesimal,
427
00:32:58,647 --> 00:33:01,081
when you consider that the Bible contains
428
00:33:01,127 --> 00:33:06,326
774,176 words altogether.
429
00:33:06,367 --> 00:33:08,597
And it is a remarkable fact...
430
00:33:16,367 --> 00:33:18,483
Do get on, or we'll be here all night.
431
00:33:18,527 --> 00:33:21,087
Well, a penknife's not the ideal tool, is it?
432
00:33:21,127 --> 00:33:25,120
Anyway, I don't think we ought to do this.
(Tearfully) I don't want to go to prison.
433
00:33:25,167 --> 00:33:27,761
Don't start snivelling in that revolting way.
434
00:33:27,807 --> 00:33:31,436
If you can't dig a hole for him,
cover him in leaves or something. Cover him.
435
00:33:31,487 --> 00:33:34,047
But why do I always have to do the dirty work?
436
00:33:34,087 --> 00:33:38,444
Because you are remarkably stupid.
437
00:33:38,487 --> 00:33:40,364
Yes, I forgot that. Sorry.
438
00:33:40,407 --> 00:33:42,284
In any case, I have to look after my hands.
439
00:33:42,327 --> 00:33:46,639
Petal-soft hands are the mark
of a great ornithologist. Now, get on with it!
440
00:33:47,847 --> 00:33:50,156
Morris, I beg of you - let's have done with this.
441
00:33:51,527 --> 00:33:55,645
Let's get an undertaker. He won't be
too expensive and he'll do a professional job.
442
00:33:55,687 --> 00:33:58,076
- We're not burying him.
- We're not?
443
00:33:58,127 --> 00:34:00,243
We're merely hiding him.
444
00:34:00,287 --> 00:34:02,847
- Merely hiding him.
- What we need is a venal doctor.
445
00:34:02,887 --> 00:34:05,242
But uncle Joseph's dead! It's too late.
446
00:34:05,287 --> 00:34:08,836
Not for him, for us. Now, you remember
that chamber maid you got into erm?
447
00:34:09,767 --> 00:34:12,600
- Thing.
- Thing. Who was the doctor who did the er?
448
00:34:12,647 --> 00:34:15,525
Thing. Er Pratt. Dr Pratt.
449
00:34:15,567 --> 00:34:17,523
Was he venal?
450
00:34:17,567 --> 00:34:19,125
I didn't like to ask.
451
00:34:19,167 --> 00:34:20,998
- Well, did he do the?
- Thing. Yes.
452
00:34:21,047 --> 00:34:22,958
- Good.
- But what's he got to do with it?
453
00:34:23,007 --> 00:34:25,043
He's part of the plan.
454
00:34:25,087 --> 00:34:29,683
Now, you and I are the only two people in the
world who know that Uncle Joseph is erm...
455
00:34:29,727 --> 00:34:32,241
- Thing.
- Dead. And we won't tell anyone.
456
00:34:32,287 --> 00:34:34,482
But people are bound to find out sooner or later.
457
00:34:34,527 --> 00:34:36,006
Not quite yet.
458
00:34:36,047 --> 00:34:40,359
Now, Uncle Masterman, at best,
has only two or three days to live.
459
00:34:40,407 --> 00:34:46,676
When he goes, I'll announce that Uncle Joseph
has died of a heart attack
460
00:34:46,727 --> 00:34:49,116
on hearing the tragic news
of his brother's death.
461
00:34:49,167 --> 00:34:52,204
I then go along to your accommodating Dr er...
462
00:34:52,247 --> 00:34:53,919
- Pratt.
- Thing.
463
00:34:53,967 --> 00:34:57,357
He provides me with a blank death certificate
for Uncle Joseph.
464
00:34:57,407 --> 00:34:59,762
I fill in the date and the tontine is mine.
465
00:34:59,807 --> 00:35:02,958
- Ours.
- We'll go into that later.
466
00:35:03,007 --> 00:35:07,398
There come moments in life, cousin,
when every man must find moral courage.
467
00:35:07,447 --> 00:35:09,324
Your moment is about to come.
468
00:35:09,367 --> 00:35:10,766
- It is?
- It is.
469
00:35:10,807 --> 00:35:15,119
I'll go to London, tell everybody
that you and Uncle Joseph have been delayed.
470
00:35:15,167 --> 00:35:18,557
You go back to Bournemouth
and remain there till I send for you.
471
00:35:18,607 --> 00:35:21,963
I see, but erm... what about him?
472
00:35:22,007 --> 00:35:23,804
I'm coming to that.
473
00:35:23,847 --> 00:35:28,523
You must find a suitable box or container,
crate him up and send him back to London.
474
00:35:28,567 --> 00:35:31,035
We shall, after all, need him at the funeral.
475
00:35:31,087 --> 00:35:33,806
Crate him in a box? What sort of box?
476
00:35:33,847 --> 00:35:37,237
Something of suitable size and robustness
for a man in that condition.
477
00:35:37,287 --> 00:35:38,879
(Clang)
478
00:35:41,207 --> 00:35:43,038
If you'll allow me, sir.
479
00:35:44,447 --> 00:35:47,519
I will take charge of the rest of the packing.
480
00:35:47,567 --> 00:35:49,523
All right, Peacock.
481
00:35:49,567 --> 00:35:52,639
But don't lean too far in the barrel.
482
00:36:02,647 --> 00:36:06,162
I say! We've received a telegraph.
It must be from Uncle.
483
00:36:06,207 --> 00:36:08,163
Oh, drat.
484
00:36:09,287 --> 00:36:11,676
No. It's from Lady Pitman.
485
00:36:12,487 --> 00:36:15,285
She's sending back that statue we sent her,
says it's a fraud.
486
00:36:16,447 --> 00:36:19,359
"I am having it crated
and sent back to you at once."
487
00:36:20,527 --> 00:36:22,199
Was it a fraud, Peacock?
488
00:36:22,247 --> 00:36:25,762
Life is a fraud, Master Michael.
489
00:36:25,807 --> 00:36:27,604
Yes, Peacock.
490
00:36:27,647 --> 00:36:31,196
Well, this is all right, isn't it?
This should fetch a good price at Sotheby's.
491
00:36:31,247 --> 00:36:34,762
Well, if it arrives in one piece, sir.
492
00:36:34,807 --> 00:36:36,718
Well, there's nothing else to sell.
493
00:36:36,767 --> 00:36:38,405
Except the piano.
494
00:36:38,447 --> 00:36:41,883
(Knock on door)
- It's all right, Peacock, I'll answer it.
495
00:36:47,327 --> 00:36:49,318
Michael Finsbury, do I presume?
496
00:36:49,367 --> 00:36:52,439
- Yes?
- I'm your cousin, Morris Finsbury.
497
00:36:52,487 --> 00:36:54,284
- Oh, do come in.
- Thank you.
498
00:36:54,327 --> 00:36:56,682
- Isn't Uncle Joseph with you?
- Alas, no.
499
00:36:56,727 --> 00:37:02,245
My dear uncle, like your beloved grandfather,
is of advancing years and declining health.
500
00:37:02,287 --> 00:37:04,926
Grandfather will be disappointed.
May I take your coat?
501
00:37:04,967 --> 00:37:06,878
No, thank you. No, thank you.
502
00:37:07,887 --> 00:37:14,235
Uncle Joseph is naturally deeply concerned
with his brother's death - I mean, illness.
503
00:37:14,287 --> 00:37:16,960
- Or is he already?
- Oh, no, no, not yet.
504
00:37:17,007 --> 00:37:18,838
What a relief to us all.
505
00:37:18,887 --> 00:37:21,640
I know you are a medical student, cousin,
506
00:37:21,687 --> 00:37:25,236
so I need hardly remind you
that blood is thicker than water.
507
00:37:25,287 --> 00:37:27,164
Yes, five times, as I believe.
508
00:37:27,207 --> 00:37:30,995
Uncle Joseph is valiantly gathering
what remains of his strength
509
00:37:31,047 --> 00:37:33,481
in order to come to London
in the next day or two
510
00:37:33,527 --> 00:37:36,644
to be with his dear brother... at the end.
511
00:37:36,687 --> 00:37:38,564
I do hope he will be in time.
512
00:37:38,607 --> 00:37:40,677
Uncle Masterman is that low?
513
00:37:40,727 --> 00:37:42,319
Yes.
514
00:37:42,367 --> 00:37:45,916
Oh, I am filled with an immense grief...
515
00:37:45,967 --> 00:37:49,357
that that proud and lovely man should...
516
00:37:49,407 --> 00:37:51,796
Oh, my God.
517
00:37:51,847 --> 00:37:53,678
Sir...
518
00:37:53,727 --> 00:37:57,481
Sir, it's me - Maurice.
519
00:37:57,527 --> 00:38:03,363
Oh, look at that noble face ravaged by time,
those eyes filled with pain.
520
00:38:03,407 --> 00:38:06,638
Oh, I should never have forgiven myself,
if I hadn't seen you before.
521
00:38:06,687 --> 00:38:08,803
- Cousin...
- But you shouldn't be out of bed.
522
00:38:08,847 --> 00:38:11,566
- Cousin, this is our butler.
- No need to call him.
523
00:38:11,607 --> 00:38:13,882
I can assist my own flesh and blood.
524
00:38:15,527 --> 00:38:17,643
Who's the butler?
525
00:38:17,687 --> 00:38:19,564
I have that honour, sir.
526
00:38:19,607 --> 00:38:21,245
How dare you embrace me!
527
00:38:21,287 --> 00:38:23,243
Grandfather is upstairs, sleeping.
528
00:38:23,287 --> 00:38:25,676
All right, Peacock, you may go.
529
00:38:25,727 --> 00:38:28,685
Thank you, Master Michael, sir.
530
00:38:31,527 --> 00:38:33,563
Thank you, too, Colonel.
531
00:38:34,607 --> 00:38:40,284
I, too, must be on my way, cousin.
I have some urgent, pressing business.
532
00:38:40,327 --> 00:38:42,795
You will let us know
the moment Uncle Joseph arrives.
533
00:38:42,847 --> 00:38:46,203
As soon as I've got the date.
That is, immediately.
534
00:38:46,247 --> 00:38:51,196
A great pity, cousin, that grief is the agent
responsible for bringing us together
535
00:38:51,247 --> 00:38:53,238
after all these years.
536
00:39:14,127 --> 00:39:16,880
Cousin Morris had no trousers on, Peacock.
537
00:39:16,927 --> 00:39:19,122
If you say so, sir.
538
00:39:26,967 --> 00:39:28,798
(Woman screams)
539
00:39:37,407 --> 00:39:39,125
For heaven's sake, Julia.
540
00:39:39,167 --> 00:39:42,876
Oh, it's you, Morris. I thought it was
the Bournemouth strangler.
541
00:39:42,927 --> 00:39:45,157
It says in the papers he might be in London.
542
00:39:45,207 --> 00:39:48,165
Do I look like the Bournemouth Strangler?
543
00:39:48,207 --> 00:39:51,563
Well... yes, you could be, Morris.
544
00:39:52,967 --> 00:39:54,958
Why are you wearing that strange coat?
545
00:39:55,007 --> 00:39:56,838
Because it suits me to wear it.
546
00:39:56,887 --> 00:40:00,084
I think you should have it shortened.
547
00:40:00,127 --> 00:40:01,879
Isn't Uncle Joseph with you?
548
00:40:01,927 --> 00:40:03,997
Er... no, erm...
549
00:40:04,047 --> 00:40:07,642
the news in The Telegraph came
as a great shock to him.
550
00:40:07,687 --> 00:40:10,645
He is remaining in Bournemouth
with Cousin John.
551
00:40:10,687 --> 00:40:12,882
And now I must bid you good night.
552
00:40:12,927 --> 00:40:14,997
Good night, cousin.
553
00:40:15,047 --> 00:40:18,835
You won't always wear that coat, will you?
It's very frightening.
554
00:40:24,727 --> 00:40:28,436
It could easily have been
the Bournemouth Strangler instead of you.
555
00:40:28,487 --> 00:40:34,119
I might have been stalked by him and, in fleeing,
been trampled by a runaway horse.
556
00:40:35,127 --> 00:40:41,885
Perhaps a large hole in my head, my brains
spilling out all over Shaftesbury Avenue.
557
00:40:41,927 --> 00:40:44,487
Oh, wouldn't that have been
a homecoming for you,
558
00:40:44,527 --> 00:40:49,396
going to the mortuary to identify my poor,
crushed body?
559
00:40:50,447 --> 00:40:52,915
Body? What body?
560
00:40:52,967 --> 00:40:56,198
No body, Morris. I was just thinking aloud.
561
00:40:56,247 --> 00:40:59,159
You mustn't use that word. It isn't becoming.
562
00:40:59,207 --> 00:41:01,596
Oh, I meant a dead body, Morris.
563
00:41:02,847 --> 00:41:05,156
Not what is under a person's clothing.
564
00:41:05,207 --> 00:41:06,925
Julia.
565
00:41:09,567 --> 00:41:13,401
Now, why... did I say that?
566
00:41:13,447 --> 00:41:15,438
(Train whistle blows)
567
00:41:17,247 --> 00:41:19,920
See that it gets on the first available train.
568
00:41:37,407 --> 00:41:40,126
If I could help you with your baggage.
It's rather heavy.
569
00:41:52,167 --> 00:41:56,399
There have, of course, been many editions
of the Bible, some famous, some infamous.
570
00:41:56,447 --> 00:41:58,358
For instance, there is the Wicked Bible,
571
00:41:58,407 --> 00:42:02,002
so called because the word "not"
is omitted from the seventh commandment,
572
00:42:02,047 --> 00:42:04,607
making it read: "Thou shalt commit adultery."
573
00:42:04,647 --> 00:42:07,764
A small error which could encourage certain
sections of the populace
574
00:42:07,807 --> 00:42:11,561
to a frenzy of immorality unknown
since first-century Rome.
575
00:42:11,607 --> 00:42:15,077
Speaking of which, have you heard
that the Emperor Heliogabalus?
576
00:42:15,127 --> 00:42:17,038
I'm afraid, sir, that this is as far as I go.
577
00:42:17,087 --> 00:42:22,161
What? Oh, splendid. Excellent, excellent.
Many, many thanks.
578
00:42:22,207 --> 00:42:25,085
13 hours seemed but so many minutes.
579
00:42:25,127 --> 00:42:28,642
Well, perhaps you might care to know
who your fellow traveller was.
580
00:42:28,687 --> 00:42:32,600
Non other than Joseph Finsbury,
scholar extraordinary, lecturer,
581
00:42:32,647 --> 00:42:36,322
and one of the two Englishmen living
who can speak pure Swahili.
582
00:42:36,367 --> 00:42:40,758
- (Speaks Swahili)
- Well, said, sir.
583
00:42:40,807 --> 00:42:45,164
Well, well, who knows,
perhaps our paths may cross again?
584
00:42:45,207 --> 00:42:47,323
- God save us.
- Ah!
585
00:43:27,247 --> 00:43:29,522
Oh! Good.
586
00:43:29,567 --> 00:43:31,876
Good, yes. Thank you, Peacock.
587
00:43:33,247 --> 00:43:34,919
It is Peacock, isn't it?
588
00:43:34,967 --> 00:43:36,400
It is, sir.
589
00:43:36,447 --> 00:43:38,483
Ah! How long has it been?
590
00:43:38,527 --> 00:43:41,041
I came as quick as I could.
591
00:43:41,087 --> 00:43:44,557
It's Master Joseph, Peacock.
592
00:43:45,687 --> 00:43:48,121
Master Joseph!
593
00:43:48,167 --> 00:43:51,523
Oh! Forgive me, sir.
594
00:43:51,567 --> 00:43:54,320
It must be all of 40 years.
595
00:43:54,367 --> 00:43:56,085
- Yes.
- Yes, yes.
596
00:43:56,127 --> 00:43:59,437
I remember clearly the last time I saw you.
597
00:43:59,487 --> 00:44:03,844
On that very day, the American, Colonel Colt,
inventor of the Colt revolver,
598
00:44:03,887 --> 00:44:07,323
used electricity to detonate a torpedo,
599
00:44:07,367 --> 00:44:12,885
thereby destroying a brig in full sail
upon the Potomac in Washington DC.
600
00:44:12,927 --> 00:44:18,718
The present, not the former capital of the
United States, New York City, being the first...
601
00:44:18,767 --> 00:44:21,361
I take it my brother is upstairs?
602
00:44:21,407 --> 00:44:23,079
Yes, sir.
603
00:44:23,127 --> 00:44:26,836
- May I announce you, sir?
- No, no. I will announce myself.
604
00:44:26,887 --> 00:44:29,640
You might perhaps bring me a cup of tea.
I am a trifle piqued.
605
00:44:29,687 --> 00:44:31,245
With pleasure, sir.
606
00:44:31,287 --> 00:44:34,996
China, of course. You'll remember,
I developed a taste for it in Turkey
607
00:44:35,047 --> 00:44:37,845
during the 23rd revolution there.
608
00:44:38,967 --> 00:44:40,719
Oh, ha ha, yes.
609
00:44:40,767 --> 00:44:42,678
(Knock on door)
610
00:44:44,727 --> 00:44:46,319
(Clock chimes)
611
00:44:47,367 --> 00:44:49,323
Masterman?
612
00:44:56,087 --> 00:44:57,725
Masterman?
613
00:44:59,327 --> 00:45:01,124
Is that you, Mother?
614
00:45:01,167 --> 00:45:03,203
It is I - Joseph.
615
00:45:03,247 --> 00:45:05,238
Joseph?
616
00:45:07,487 --> 00:45:09,364
Brother Joseph.
617
00:45:11,007 --> 00:45:14,636
What unexpected joy.
618
00:45:14,687 --> 00:45:16,359
Don't tax yourself, brother.
619
00:45:16,407 --> 00:45:20,366
I am raised in spirits already.
620
00:45:20,407 --> 00:45:22,921
Doesn't raise mine to find you so,
621
00:45:22,967 --> 00:45:26,676
lying in the very bed
in which our dear papa passed from us.
622
00:45:26,727 --> 00:45:30,276
I am soon to follow his example, I fear.
623
00:45:30,327 --> 00:45:31,806
Never say it.
624
00:45:31,847 --> 00:45:33,803
But I do say it.
625
00:45:33,847 --> 00:45:36,486
Last week old Hackett.
626
00:45:36,527 --> 00:45:39,837
Next week, or even before...
627
00:45:40,847 --> 00:45:42,405
...old Masterman.
628
00:45:42,447 --> 00:45:44,722
Ah, yes. Poor Hackett.
629
00:45:44,767 --> 00:45:46,917
I must somehow attend his funeral.
630
00:45:48,287 --> 00:45:51,324
Our generation, brother,
is on its way to Valhalla.
631
00:45:51,367 --> 00:45:55,918
Or, as the Red Indians so aptly put it,
the happy hunting ground.
632
00:45:57,327 --> 00:46:02,003
Let me... give you a glass of good cheer. Hm?
633
00:46:02,047 --> 00:46:04,197
It will seal the occasion...
634
00:46:04,247 --> 00:46:07,284
and revive your spirits.
635
00:46:07,327 --> 00:46:09,887
Oh, no, thanks. I've asked for some tea.
636
00:46:09,927 --> 00:46:11,485
Oh.
637
00:46:14,207 --> 00:46:16,357
Ah... Ah...
638
00:46:16,407 --> 00:46:18,363
Oh, what... What is it, brother?
639
00:46:19,407 --> 00:46:20,806
Shall I send for a physician?
640
00:46:20,847 --> 00:46:23,566
Oh, no, no. No, send for no-one.
641
00:46:23,607 --> 00:46:25,802
I only want you.
642
00:46:26,807 --> 00:46:29,605
- Jo-jo.
- Oh... oh, Jo-jo.
643
00:46:29,647 --> 00:46:32,798
Jo-jo. Oh, those boyhood names.
644
00:46:32,847 --> 00:46:36,522
Oh! What fond memories they recall.
645
00:46:38,007 --> 00:46:38,837
Argh!
646
00:46:40,327 --> 00:46:42,283
My goodness! My gracious!
647
00:46:42,327 --> 00:46:45,125
What... What is it?
648
00:46:45,167 --> 00:46:46,964
Are you hurt?
649
00:46:47,007 --> 00:46:49,919
No, no, no. I needed some air.
650
00:46:49,967 --> 00:46:52,003
I must... I must have air.
651
00:46:52,047 --> 00:46:53,639
Open the window, Joseph.
652
00:46:53,687 --> 00:46:56,121
Yes. Yes. Yes.
653
00:47:05,127 --> 00:47:07,357
Oh. Bless my soul.
654
00:47:07,407 --> 00:47:08,920
You're down again.
655
00:47:08,967 --> 00:47:10,719
Here. Let me...
656
00:47:10,767 --> 00:47:12,359
Come on. Oh.
657
00:47:12,407 --> 00:47:18,357
Yes, now, you lie here...
and let me open the window.
658
00:47:25,287 --> 00:47:26,686
What was that? What was that?
659
00:47:27,567 --> 00:47:30,479
Surely... Surely the populace
are not demonstrating?
660
00:47:31,647 --> 00:47:34,764
Yesterday, do you know,
I had the narrowest of escapes.
661
00:47:34,807 --> 00:47:38,516
- Upon my soul, I could have been killed.
- Killed?
662
00:47:38,567 --> 00:47:41,479
I was in the water closet
of the Bournemouth Express,
663
00:47:41,527 --> 00:47:43,722
when it quite unaccountably exploded,
664
00:47:43,767 --> 00:47:46,486
thereby extensively damaging
the rest of the train.
665
00:47:47,487 --> 00:47:51,719
I can't really think that I was to blame,
although at the time I was smoking.
666
00:47:51,767 --> 00:47:54,804
But it didn't... damage you?
667
00:47:54,847 --> 00:47:56,246
No, no, no.
668
00:47:56,287 --> 00:47:58,005
Thanks for the thought.
669
00:47:58,047 --> 00:48:00,277
I confess, I am a trifle ruffled.
670
00:48:01,287 --> 00:48:06,407
Yes... I think I'll lie low at the club a few days.
671
00:48:06,447 --> 00:48:09,519
My nephews have been most annoying of late.
672
00:48:09,567 --> 00:48:12,559
Oh, brother, no, no. Don't test yourself.
673
00:48:12,607 --> 00:48:16,202
Sit down. It's you who should sit up here.
674
00:48:16,247 --> 00:48:18,636
You may have a nutmeg poisoning.
675
00:48:19,887 --> 00:48:22,685
Take a sip of your glass of good cheer,
dear old chap.
676
00:48:22,727 --> 00:48:24,558
It may prove effective.
677
00:48:24,607 --> 00:48:27,041
Do you know, it's the most astonishing thing,
678
00:48:27,087 --> 00:48:31,444
there is a tribe of aborigines
in Southwest Tasmania
679
00:48:31,487 --> 00:48:34,843
who distil the chewed bark of the banyan tree.
680
00:48:34,887 --> 00:48:39,438
Enough, you pedantic, boring old poop!
681
00:48:39,487 --> 00:48:42,240
A pedantic, boring, old...
682
00:48:42,287 --> 00:48:45,757
- Poop!
- I shall leave you... brother.
683
00:48:45,807 --> 00:48:47,957
You've lost your reason.
684
00:48:48,007 --> 00:48:50,237
Reason? Reason, yes.
685
00:48:50,287 --> 00:48:53,404
But not... not the tontine!
686
00:48:57,887 --> 00:48:59,878
Here it is!
687
00:49:00,967 --> 00:49:02,798
Too late to apologise.
688
00:49:09,287 --> 00:49:11,084
- Name of Finsbury, sir?
- Yes?
689
00:49:11,127 --> 00:49:12,719
Sign here, please, sir.
690
00:49:14,647 --> 00:49:16,205
Where do you want it, sir?
691
00:49:16,247 --> 00:49:18,283
Anywhere, my good man, anywhere.
692
00:49:21,887 --> 00:49:24,640
Er... thank you for the tea and cakes.
693
00:49:24,687 --> 00:49:27,326
I shall taste them all through my dissection class.
694
00:49:27,367 --> 00:49:32,600
Would you say your work
is in the nature of a vocation?
695
00:49:32,647 --> 00:49:35,844
No, no, not quite. My grandfather wished it.
696
00:49:35,887 --> 00:49:38,765
He believes that if one cannot join
the ruling classes,
697
00:49:38,807 --> 00:49:40,718
one must do one's best to deplete them.
698
00:49:41,767 --> 00:49:43,758
Well...
699
00:49:43,807 --> 00:49:45,798
(Thud)
700
00:49:48,487 --> 00:49:50,159
(Knock on door)
701
00:49:54,207 --> 00:49:55,720
Who is it?
702
00:49:57,927 --> 00:50:00,157
Finsbury? Name of Finsbury, ma'am?
703
00:50:00,207 --> 00:50:02,437
- Yes?
- There's a shipment for you, ma'am.
704
00:50:11,407 --> 00:50:14,285
Cousin Morris must have excelled himself.
705
00:50:14,327 --> 00:50:18,002
We're always having shipments of eggs,
but never anything like this before.
706
00:50:18,047 --> 00:50:22,438
A little assistance would not be refused, ma'am.
If the staff were available.
707
00:50:22,487 --> 00:50:24,682
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, allow me to help.
708
00:50:24,727 --> 00:50:27,446
Oh, won't you miss your class?
709
00:50:27,487 --> 00:50:31,036
Oh, that's of no consequence.
I doubt if my class will miss me.
710
00:50:32,527 --> 00:50:34,722
- Would you hold my coat?
- Oh...
711
00:50:46,287 --> 00:50:47,959
(Cat mews)
712
00:50:53,927 --> 00:50:55,918
(Cat mews repeatedly)
713
00:51:17,927 --> 00:51:19,406
Dr Pratt?
714
00:51:20,727 --> 00:51:22,763
Dr Pratt?
715
00:51:29,247 --> 00:51:30,680
Dr Pratt?
716
00:51:33,287 --> 00:51:35,005
Are you Dr Pratt?
717
00:51:38,247 --> 00:51:39,885
What? What?
718
00:51:39,927 --> 00:51:41,918
Are you Dr Pratt?
719
00:51:41,967 --> 00:51:43,559
Are you?
720
00:51:43,607 --> 00:51:46,360
Are you from the police?
721
00:51:46,407 --> 00:51:49,717
- No.
- Then I am Dr Pratt, yes.
722
00:51:49,767 --> 00:51:55,239
I was referred to you by a slight acquaintance...
for professional advice.
723
00:51:55,287 --> 00:51:57,039
Oh, yes, yes.
724
00:51:57,087 --> 00:51:58,805
Yes, mm.
725
00:51:58,847 --> 00:52:01,236
Is it? Is it night or day?
726
00:52:02,287 --> 00:52:03,720
Day.
727
00:52:03,767 --> 00:52:06,122
Did you have an appointment to see me, sir?
728
00:52:06,167 --> 00:52:07,680
I'm afraid not.
729
00:52:07,727 --> 00:52:10,480
Then I will give you
a day appointment immediately.
730
00:52:10,527 --> 00:52:12,563
Thank you very much.
731
00:52:12,607 --> 00:52:14,598
Sit in that chair.
732
00:52:15,647 --> 00:52:18,525
(Cat mews)
- Don't sit on that moggy, sir.
733
00:52:18,567 --> 00:52:20,762
She's the finest ratter in the East End.
734
00:52:20,807 --> 00:52:22,877
- I'm terribly sorry.
- That's all right.
735
00:52:22,927 --> 00:52:24,918
(Cat mews)
- Quiet, Tiger.
736
00:52:24,967 --> 00:52:28,846
Now, then, take off your clothes, sir... and cough.
737
00:52:28,887 --> 00:52:31,003
Doctor, it's not me.
738
00:52:31,047 --> 00:52:33,720
It's certainly not me, sir.
It's probably one of my cats.
739
00:52:33,767 --> 00:52:36,156
- Doctor!
- Come in!
740
00:52:37,407 --> 00:52:39,204
- Come in!
- Doctor!
741
00:52:39,247 --> 00:52:43,365
I am not here
on a matter of my personal health.
742
00:52:45,047 --> 00:52:48,596
Would you be so good, sir,
as to er... say that again?
743
00:52:48,647 --> 00:52:52,481
I did not come here
for reasons of my personal health.
744
00:52:53,487 --> 00:52:55,284
What is the young lady's name?
745
00:52:55,327 --> 00:52:58,478
- It is not that, Doctor.
- No, no, it isn't, no.
746
00:52:58,527 --> 00:53:02,964
- I wanted to make a somewhat unusual request.
- Yes, yes.
747
00:53:03,007 --> 00:53:09,321
I was wondering... do you by any chance...
happen to have any...
748
00:53:10,407 --> 00:53:12,125
...death certificates?
749
00:53:13,407 --> 00:53:15,637
Do I happen to have any death certificates?
750
00:53:15,687 --> 00:53:17,405
What a monstrous thing, sir.
751
00:53:17,447 --> 00:53:20,484
What a monstrous thing to say to a member
of the medical profession!
752
00:53:20,527 --> 00:53:22,916
You realise the enormity
of what you have just said?
753
00:53:22,967 --> 00:53:24,605
Yes.
754
00:53:24,647 --> 00:53:26,717
Do you have any death certificates?
755
00:53:26,767 --> 00:53:30,806
- How may do you want?
- Just the one would be sufficient.
756
00:53:30,847 --> 00:53:31,757
Ah.
757
00:53:31,807 --> 00:53:37,325
And if you'd be so good as to simply sign
your name and leave the remainder blank...
758
00:53:37,367 --> 00:53:38,846
It'll cost you five shillings.
759
00:53:38,887 --> 00:53:40,240
Price is no object.
760
00:53:40,287 --> 00:53:42,596
Right, ten shillings, then, payable in advance.
761
00:53:42,647 --> 00:53:45,605
Stay there, I'll just get my medical pen.
762
00:53:48,007 --> 00:53:49,486
Sorry, Button.
763
00:53:51,007 --> 00:53:52,918
I keep them here. Yes.
764
00:53:52,967 --> 00:53:56,004
(Cat Mews)
- Oh! Would you like to buy a moggy?
765
00:53:56,047 --> 00:53:57,924
No, thank you, Doctor.
766
00:53:57,967 --> 00:53:59,764
They make lovely pets.
767
00:53:59,807 --> 00:54:01,923
You'd like to have a moggy in the home.
768
00:54:01,967 --> 00:54:03,764
I collect eggs, Doctor.
769
00:54:03,807 --> 00:54:05,798
Eggs? Oh, yes, I enjoy an egg myself.
770
00:54:05,847 --> 00:54:08,122
Yes, they don't make god pets, though.
771
00:54:08,167 --> 00:54:11,921
You can never get 'em in at night.
They're too quiet. Yes.
772
00:54:11,967 --> 00:54:15,039
All I want is a death certificate, Doctor.
773
00:54:15,087 --> 00:54:17,521
Don't we all? Yes, yes.
774
00:54:17,567 --> 00:54:18,966
Yes, indeed.
775
00:54:19,007 --> 00:54:22,636
Erm... you may return for it this evening.
776
00:54:22,687 --> 00:54:27,238
I will have one of my staff collect it
from the place of its origin.
777
00:54:27,287 --> 00:54:29,596
Meanwhile, keep taking the pills.
778
00:54:29,647 --> 00:54:31,399
This evening, Doctor.
779
00:54:31,447 --> 00:54:34,484
Take them this evening
it's as good a time as any, yes.
780
00:54:35,487 --> 00:54:36,886
That's better.
781
00:54:36,927 --> 00:54:41,682
Of course, I was not always as you see me now.
782
00:54:41,727 --> 00:54:43,604
I am sure you weren't, Doctor.
783
00:54:43,647 --> 00:54:47,435
No, I had a magnificent practice
in the fair confines of Camden Town.
784
00:54:47,487 --> 00:54:48,886
A charming area.
785
00:54:48,927 --> 00:54:52,602
The sick and groggy travelled
from all over the world to queue at my door.
786
00:54:52,647 --> 00:54:54,046
Wonderful work.
787
00:54:54,087 --> 00:54:57,443
I specialised, you see, in rare,
malign diseases of the spleen.
788
00:54:57,487 --> 00:54:58,920
How very interesting.
789
00:54:58,967 --> 00:55:01,765
The accolade itself was not beyond my grasp.
790
00:55:01,807 --> 00:55:03,525
- Within it, I'm sure.
- Yes.
791
00:55:03,567 --> 00:55:06,877
Until that unfortunate episode
with the Lord Mayor's wife.
792
00:55:06,927 --> 00:55:08,360
Goodbye, Doctor.
793
00:55:08,407 --> 00:55:10,967
(Door closes)
- Come in. Come in.
794
00:57:39,207 --> 00:57:41,482
We are both old enough
to know what kisses lead to.
795
00:57:41,527 --> 00:57:44,041
- Oh, yes.
- And if I may be blunt,
796
00:57:44,087 --> 00:57:45,964
our children would be idiots.
797
00:57:46,007 --> 00:57:48,077
Why? Is there insanity in your family?
798
00:57:48,127 --> 00:57:49,845
What? Oh, no, no.
799
00:57:49,887 --> 00:57:53,766
What I mean is, it is a proved medical fact
that marriage between cousins...
800
00:57:53,807 --> 00:57:55,206
Oh, but we're not cousins.
801
00:57:55,247 --> 00:57:57,363
Uncle Joseph is just my guardian.
802
00:57:57,407 --> 00:57:59,079
I am an orphan.
803
00:57:59,127 --> 00:58:00,845
- An orphan?
- Yes.
804
00:58:00,887 --> 00:58:04,880
Oh, me, too. I never knew my parents.
They were killed in a balloon ascension.
805
00:58:04,927 --> 00:58:08,237
I only knew mine vaguely.
My father was a missionary.
806
00:58:08,287 --> 00:58:10,084
He was eaten by his Bible class.
807
00:58:10,127 --> 00:58:11,799
- And your mother?
- She too.
808
00:58:11,847 --> 00:58:13,724
They never eat one without the other.
809
00:58:13,767 --> 00:58:15,723
Oh, it's... it's destiny!
810
00:58:15,767 --> 00:58:16,961
Oh.
811
00:58:18,527 --> 00:58:19,926
MORRIS: Stop!
812
00:58:19,967 --> 00:58:21,559
Stop!
813
00:58:26,807 --> 00:58:29,162
Have you just made a delivery to number 11?
814
00:58:29,207 --> 00:58:30,720
That's right, sir. Yeah.
815
00:58:30,767 --> 00:58:32,519
Thank you.
816
00:58:36,767 --> 00:58:39,964
Ah, cousin.
How is your dear grandfather this morning?
817
00:58:40,007 --> 00:58:41,759
- Oh, she's well.
- What?
818
00:58:41,807 --> 00:58:44,799
That is to say, he's just the same -
my grandfather, of course.
819
00:58:44,847 --> 00:58:46,678
Well, I must be off to my Bible class.
820
00:58:46,727 --> 00:58:50,242
Cousin... I mean, Julia.
821
00:58:50,287 --> 00:58:53,120
Master Michael, sir, come quickly!
822
00:58:53,167 --> 00:58:55,761
Your granddad! Come quickly!
823
00:59:02,407 --> 00:59:04,637
Oh... Dr Slattery.
824
00:59:06,167 --> 00:59:09,762
- Am I too late?
- No, no, no. I've just given him a sedative.
825
00:59:12,127 --> 00:59:13,560
Is it anything serious?
826
00:59:13,607 --> 00:59:17,680
As you know, I'm a medical student and I would
understand a more detailed diagnosis.
827
00:59:17,727 --> 00:59:22,755
I see. Well, in that case, what I think he had...
to the nearest guess,
828
00:59:22,807 --> 00:59:26,516
technically speaking, that is,
was a conniption fit.
829
00:59:26,567 --> 00:59:28,876
Oh... yes.
830
00:59:28,927 --> 00:59:31,521
DR SLATTERY:
Yes, well, don't worry about it.
831
00:59:31,567 --> 00:59:34,718
Oh, what are you blubbing for, boy? Hm?
832
00:59:34,767 --> 00:59:36,519
Such a good man.
833
00:59:36,567 --> 00:59:39,127
Such a gentle soul to be taken from us.
834
00:59:39,167 --> 00:59:42,159
- What are you talking about?
- My dear departed Uncle Masterman.
835
00:59:42,207 --> 00:59:43,845
He's no more departed than you are,
836
00:59:43,887 --> 00:59:46,765
probably less so,
judging from the last time you consulted me.
837
00:59:46,807 --> 00:59:49,162
How are the boils, by the way, hm?
Disappeared?
838
00:59:49,207 --> 00:59:50,799
Miss Julia.
839
00:59:50,847 --> 00:59:52,485
Excuse me.
840
00:59:53,647 --> 00:59:57,083
Come, Julia. Good day, cousin.
841
00:59:58,407 --> 00:59:59,806
Julia?
842
01:00:15,127 --> 01:00:16,719
Peacock?
843
01:00:19,487 --> 01:00:21,557
What is this? I thought they'd all gone.
844
01:00:23,007 --> 01:00:27,956
I took it to be Lady Pitman's goods returned, sir.
845
01:00:28,007 --> 01:00:29,599
Oh, dear.
846
01:00:30,647 --> 01:00:32,319
A perfect day ruined.
847
01:00:56,247 --> 01:00:57,726
Dead.
848
01:01:17,367 --> 01:01:18,959
Peacock!
849
01:01:20,687 --> 01:01:22,678
Peacock...
850
01:01:23,727 --> 01:01:27,640
- Uncle Joseph...
- Oh, yes, I forgot to tell you.
851
01:01:27,687 --> 01:01:29,678
He came and went.
852
01:01:29,727 --> 01:01:32,036
- Came and went?
- Yes.
853
01:01:32,087 --> 01:01:33,805
It was terrible, sir.
854
01:01:33,847 --> 01:01:37,362
- Oh, terrible, it was.
- What was?
855
01:01:37,407 --> 01:01:39,318
The altercation between them.
856
01:01:39,367 --> 01:01:41,835
- Altercation?
- Yes, terrible.
857
01:01:41,887 --> 01:01:43,843
Things flying around.
858
01:01:43,887 --> 01:01:46,401
Words, angry words.
859
01:01:46,447 --> 01:01:48,119
And objects.
860
01:01:48,167 --> 01:01:49,680
Objects?
861
01:01:56,887 --> 01:01:58,479
Peacock...
862
01:02:00,847 --> 01:02:03,759
...Grandfather has murdered Uncle Joseph...
863
01:02:03,807 --> 01:02:05,081
(Gasps)
864
01:02:05,127 --> 01:02:07,402
And then suffered a conniption fit.
865
01:02:07,447 --> 01:02:09,836
No, never say...
866
01:02:09,887 --> 01:02:13,516
And he did it because he wanted me
to have the tontine.
867
01:02:13,567 --> 01:02:15,364
Mercy on us.
868
01:02:15,407 --> 01:02:17,125
See for yourself, Peacock.
869
01:02:18,807 --> 01:02:20,604
See for yourself.
870
01:02:22,767 --> 01:02:24,405
No.
871
01:02:30,847 --> 01:02:33,077
What shall we do, Master Michael?
872
01:02:34,207 --> 01:02:36,357
What shall we do?
873
01:02:36,407 --> 01:02:38,796
There's only one thing to do, Peacock.
874
01:02:39,967 --> 01:02:41,719
We must inform the police.
875
01:02:42,887 --> 01:02:45,481
But your grandfather's good name, sir?
876
01:02:45,527 --> 01:02:47,199
I shall say I did it.
877
01:02:47,247 --> 01:02:49,602
No. I am an old man.
878
01:02:49,647 --> 01:02:52,036
Let me say I did it.
879
01:02:52,087 --> 01:02:55,124
- What was your motive?
- Money.
880
01:02:55,167 --> 01:02:57,727
- They'd never believe you.
- Why not, sir?
881
01:02:57,767 --> 01:03:01,157
After all, I haven't been paid for seven years.
882
01:03:01,207 --> 01:03:03,243
Begging your pardon, sir.
883
01:03:03,287 --> 01:03:05,039
No, Peacock.
884
01:03:05,087 --> 01:03:07,237
It's a noble gesture...
885
01:03:07,287 --> 01:03:09,517
but I shall plead guilty to the crime.
886
01:03:09,567 --> 01:03:11,285
But think of your career, sir.
887
01:03:11,327 --> 01:03:13,602
You have your whole life before you.
888
01:03:13,647 --> 01:03:15,558
Yes, there is that, of course.
889
01:03:15,607 --> 01:03:18,201
Well, we must think of something else, then.
890
01:03:18,247 --> 01:03:19,646
(Knock on door)
891
01:03:19,687 --> 01:03:21,086
Who is it?
892
01:03:21,127 --> 01:03:23,561
I don't know, sir. Shall I ask?
893
01:03:23,607 --> 01:03:25,359
I don't know.
894
01:03:25,407 --> 01:03:27,398
Could it be the police already?
895
01:03:27,447 --> 01:03:30,359
- I don't know. Do they work that fast?
- I don't know.
896
01:03:30,407 --> 01:03:32,125
WOMAN: Hello?
897
01:03:32,167 --> 01:03:34,078
Oh, it's Miss Julia.
898
01:03:36,007 --> 01:03:37,884
Listen, listen, listen.
899
01:03:38,927 --> 01:03:41,282
Take your time getting to the door.
900
01:03:43,807 --> 01:03:45,286
Coming!
901
01:03:50,447 --> 01:03:52,563
I'll slow it down a bit.
902
01:04:06,007 --> 01:04:07,406
Thank you.
903
01:04:08,407 --> 01:04:11,001
I've brought some broth for Uncle Masterman.
904
01:04:11,047 --> 01:04:14,039
My Uncle Joseph says it has
strong recuperative qualities.
905
01:04:15,647 --> 01:04:16,841
Oh.
906
01:04:18,887 --> 01:04:20,161
Hello.
907
01:04:20,207 --> 01:04:22,198
Oh...
908
01:04:22,247 --> 01:04:25,876
Oh, I've brought a little sustenance
for your dear grandfather.
909
01:04:25,927 --> 01:04:27,565
I thought that...
910
01:04:27,607 --> 01:04:29,199
Oh.
911
01:04:29,247 --> 01:04:30,965
What is it?
912
01:04:31,007 --> 01:04:32,565
Oh.
913
01:04:34,967 --> 01:04:36,844
You haven't any furniture.
914
01:04:36,887 --> 01:04:39,481
- What?
- Oh, how sad.
915
01:04:40,487 --> 01:04:45,163
I always knew you were poor,
but I never imagined anything like this.
916
01:04:45,207 --> 01:04:48,040
- Oh, really?
- Would you mind if I looked around?
917
01:04:48,087 --> 01:04:52,126
- Would you like to look around the hallway?
- I've always wanted an empty room of my own.
918
01:04:52,167 --> 01:04:53,566
Ours is so cluttered.
919
01:04:53,607 --> 01:04:56,405
We have lots of empty rooms.
Would you like to see another one?
920
01:04:56,447 --> 01:04:57,880
Oh!
921
01:04:57,927 --> 01:05:00,760
Oh, how sad.
922
01:05:00,807 --> 01:05:03,560
All you've got left is your piano.
923
01:05:05,207 --> 01:05:07,801
- I learned the pianoforte as I child, but...
- Oh, yes?
924
01:05:07,847 --> 01:05:09,439
...I can never practise.
- No.
925
01:05:09,487 --> 01:05:12,320
Cousin Morris will not a permit an instrument
in the house.
926
01:05:12,367 --> 01:05:14,835
He says the vibrations might shatter his eggs.
927
01:05:14,887 --> 01:05:16,286
Yes, of course.
928
01:05:16,327 --> 01:05:18,682
I think you'll find the piano's rather out of tune.
929
01:05:18,727 --> 01:05:20,558
Oh, I'm sure not.
930
01:05:20,607 --> 01:05:22,120
(She plays the piano)
931
01:05:24,167 --> 01:05:26,078
(She plays out of tune keys)
932
01:05:28,127 --> 01:05:30,436
My repertoire is somewhat limited, I'm afraid.
933
01:05:30,487 --> 01:05:32,637
I think I hear my grandfather calling me.
934
01:05:33,727 --> 01:05:35,399
No, I don't think so.
935
01:05:36,447 --> 01:05:37,926
(Slams down lid lid)
936
01:05:37,967 --> 01:05:40,606
I'm terribly sorry.
It must be cousin Morris calling you.
937
01:05:40,647 --> 01:05:42,239
Yes, that must be it.
938
01:05:42,287 --> 01:05:44,005
In either case, it's one or the other.
939
01:05:44,047 --> 01:05:47,722
And I think we ought see which one of them
wants to see which one of us.
940
01:05:47,767 --> 01:05:49,485
- Goodbye.
- Oh!
941
01:05:54,127 --> 01:05:55,526
Oh.
942
01:05:57,087 --> 01:05:58,725
Forgive me!
943
01:06:00,927 --> 01:06:03,680
What to do, Peacock?
What to do? That's the question.
944
01:06:03,727 --> 01:06:06,799
If I may be allowed to say, sir.
945
01:06:06,847 --> 01:06:09,077
Anything, Peacock, anything.
946
01:06:09,127 --> 01:06:15,839
I have heard that there are,
in certain sectors of this great city, men...
947
01:06:16,887 --> 01:06:18,639
...unscrupulous men, sir,
948
01:06:18,687 --> 01:06:25,126
who, for a price,
will perform the most unsavoury tasks.
949
01:06:30,567 --> 01:06:32,558
(Cat mews)
- Dr Pratt?
950
01:06:32,607 --> 01:06:35,280
Rouse yourself, Dr Pratt.
951
01:06:36,927 --> 01:06:41,000
I assure you, the lady was already dead,
when I arrived, Constable.
952
01:06:41,047 --> 01:06:43,402
- Dr Pratt.
- Come in. Hm?
953
01:06:43,447 --> 01:06:46,996
I was here earlier. You asked me to return.
954
01:06:47,047 --> 01:06:48,480
What?
955
01:06:48,527 --> 01:06:51,405
Oh, yes. Yes, yes. I remember.
956
01:06:51,447 --> 01:06:53,881
- I've got what you wanted.
- Thank you, Doctor.
957
01:06:53,927 --> 01:06:57,806
Blackcurrant jelly.
It contains 12 grains of arsenic.
958
01:06:57,847 --> 01:07:00,236
Just spread it on your mother's bread and butter.
959
01:07:00,287 --> 01:07:02,437
Doctor, I wanted a death certificate!
960
01:07:04,007 --> 01:07:06,237
Oh, you've done her in already, have you?
961
01:07:06,287 --> 01:07:08,482
- What's this? Is that it?
- Mm? What?
962
01:07:08,527 --> 01:07:11,087
- What's that?
- Oh, yes, this is...
963
01:07:11,127 --> 01:07:13,561
- This is a death certificate.
- Yes.
964
01:07:13,607 --> 01:07:17,122
- I've signed a lot of these in my time.
- Could you sign this one?
965
01:07:17,167 --> 01:07:19,476
Yes, yes, I'll sign this one.
966
01:07:21,047 --> 01:07:24,119
- Give me a hand.
- Up you get, Doctor.
967
01:07:24,167 --> 01:07:26,158
Yes. Yes.
968
01:07:26,727 --> 01:07:30,037
Oh, yes. Before I sign this,
969
01:07:30,087 --> 01:07:36,322
I must do my ablutions according to the sterile
principles laid down by Lord Lister:
970
01:07:36,367 --> 01:07:40,326
"Cleanliness in all things,
even the humblest of tasks."
971
01:07:41,727 --> 01:07:43,718
(Water flows)
972
01:07:45,687 --> 01:07:47,723
Oh, that's better.
973
01:07:49,847 --> 01:07:51,838
- (Mews)
- Now, then.
974
01:07:51,887 --> 01:07:55,675
Oh, look at that. Look at that! Scarcely human.
975
01:07:56,607 --> 01:07:58,962
- I'll have to see a vet about it.
- Doctor...
976
01:07:59,007 --> 01:08:00,998
- Come in.
- Come on!
977
01:08:02,007 --> 01:08:04,396
Keep taking the pills. You'll be all right.
978
01:08:04,447 --> 01:08:06,438
(Hacking cough)
979
01:08:10,087 --> 01:08:13,716
- Are you all right, Doctor?
- Yes, I'm all right. It's just a fur ball.
980
01:08:13,767 --> 01:08:15,246
It's nothing.
981
01:08:15,287 --> 01:08:18,518
Strange. I haven't had fur for a fortnight.
982
01:08:19,567 --> 01:08:21,922
Now, let's see...
983
01:08:21,967 --> 01:08:25,277
Now... Yes. Er... That's it.
984
01:08:28,647 --> 01:08:30,638
There they are.
985
01:08:30,687 --> 01:08:32,678
- Doctor...
- Mm?
986
01:08:33,767 --> 01:08:36,759
Oh, you want it signed in two places? Yes.
987
01:08:37,607 --> 01:08:39,598
Yes.
988
01:08:40,567 --> 01:08:42,558
P.
989
01:08:44,007 --> 01:08:45,884
- P, Doctor. P.
- Oh, yes.
990
01:08:45,927 --> 01:08:47,724
- P.
- R.
991
01:08:47,767 --> 01:08:52,522
- R...
...A- T-T.
992
01:08:54,807 --> 01:08:56,798
Oh.
993
01:08:57,727 --> 01:08:59,957
MD.
994
01:09:00,967 --> 01:09:03,322
"Pratt MD". Is that your name, as well?
995
01:09:04,647 --> 01:09:07,605
Oh, I've gone and blotted it, now.
It's a small world.
996
01:09:09,007 --> 01:09:12,363
You'd never think that there were two Pratts
in one room, would you?
997
01:09:13,567 --> 01:09:15,558
(Squeals)
998
01:09:16,167 --> 01:09:18,203
(Sniffs) There we are.
999
01:09:18,247 --> 01:09:21,080
- Thank you, Doctor. Good night.
- Yes. Come in.
1000
01:09:23,087 --> 01:09:25,078
Of course, you know...
1001
01:09:26,247 --> 01:09:28,442
...I was not always as you see me now.
1002
01:09:29,447 --> 01:09:31,802
Was I, Mervin, eh?
1003
01:09:31,847 --> 01:09:33,838
Oh, no, you are too young to remember.
1004
01:09:33,887 --> 01:09:35,957
(Mewing)
1005
01:09:36,007 --> 01:09:37,998
Stay away, lad. It's not good for you.
1006
01:09:50,887 --> 01:09:52,878
- (Screams)
- Julia!
1007
01:09:52,927 --> 01:09:55,202
- (Sighs)
- Are you mad?
1008
01:09:55,247 --> 01:09:58,125
A scream like that
might have shattered my eggs.
1009
01:09:58,167 --> 01:10:02,718
Oh, but I was dreaming I was an egg, Morris,
and that an eagle was trying to hatch me.
1010
01:10:02,767 --> 01:10:06,157
- Please cover yourself.
- Oh...
1011
01:10:06,767 --> 01:10:08,758
What erm...
1012
01:10:10,367 --> 01:10:12,927
What news of next door?
1013
01:10:12,967 --> 01:10:15,959
Oh, well, very peculiar, Morris.
1014
01:10:16,007 --> 01:10:18,202
I took Uncle Masterman some broth
1015
01:10:18,247 --> 01:10:21,000
and Michael... Well, he seemed to...
1016
01:10:21,047 --> 01:10:24,960
How shall I say it? I... I think he threw me out.
1017
01:10:26,407 --> 01:10:30,605
- Threw you out?
- Yes! What do you think it means, Morris?
1018
01:10:30,647 --> 01:10:32,638
Well, it means that erm...
1019
01:10:33,487 --> 01:10:35,478
What it means is that erm...
1020
01:10:37,047 --> 01:10:39,322
I... don't know what it means.
1021
01:10:40,407 --> 01:10:43,285
Morris, am I pretty?
1022
01:10:43,327 --> 01:10:45,318
Let me think.
1023
01:10:46,247 --> 01:10:48,556
Oh... Never mind.
1024
01:10:51,367 --> 01:10:53,358
He's up to something.
1025
01:10:54,047 --> 01:10:56,686
It's happened. I know it's happened.
1026
01:10:57,567 --> 01:10:59,717
And Michael's trying to cheat us.
1027
01:10:59,767 --> 01:11:01,997
Trying to cheat two orphans out of the tontine.
1028
01:11:03,207 --> 01:11:05,198
That must be it!
1029
01:11:05,247 --> 01:11:06,726
(Door slams)
1030
01:11:12,487 --> 01:11:15,843
Peacock? Peacock!
1031
01:11:15,887 --> 01:11:17,878
(Knock at door)
1032
01:11:17,927 --> 01:11:20,487
(Sighs) Where is the old fool?
1033
01:11:23,407 --> 01:11:26,001
The house is full of fools!
1034
01:11:26,047 --> 01:11:29,084
(Persistent knocking)
- I'm coming, blast you!
1035
01:11:31,687 --> 01:11:33,837
(Church bell rings)
1036
01:11:46,847 --> 01:11:50,601
I'm coming! I'm coming!
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
1037
01:11:51,447 --> 01:11:54,803
- I'm... Oh! Aagh! Oh!
(Thud)
1038
01:12:01,167 --> 01:12:03,522
I'll turn the cart round and stand guard.
1039
01:12:16,247 --> 01:12:18,238
Hey...
1040
01:12:24,247 --> 01:12:26,317
- Funny.
- Funny, Daddy.
1041
01:12:26,367 --> 01:12:28,642
What's all this malarkey about a piano, then?
1042
01:12:29,647 --> 01:12:32,798
Still, he must be the one. Can't be two
in the same house, can there?
1043
01:12:32,847 --> 01:12:34,917
Come on, let's get him wrapped up now.
1044
01:12:34,967 --> 01:12:37,765
Here, you take his legs, I'll take his shoulders.
1045
01:12:38,727 --> 01:12:40,843
(Strains and groans)
1046
01:12:52,687 --> 01:12:55,884
Right, well, thanks for the business, sir.
Good night.
1047
01:13:17,527 --> 01:13:19,438
You, there!
1048
01:13:19,487 --> 01:13:22,763
- Where are you going with that?
- Er... Chelsea Undertakers, sir.
1049
01:13:22,807 --> 01:13:25,196
We have a dead person
what has just deceased.
1050
01:13:25,887 --> 01:13:30,881
I see. Well, be about your sacred business.
1051
01:13:30,927 --> 01:13:33,760
Thank you, sir.
The compliments of the night to you, sir.
1052
01:13:50,647 --> 01:13:56,404
And so, gentlemen,
the great tontine has been won after 63 years
1053
01:13:56,447 --> 01:14:00,725
by your uncle erm... Joseph of Finsbury.
1054
01:14:00,767 --> 01:14:03,156
Yes, we've telegraphed him in Bournemouth.
1055
01:14:03,207 --> 01:14:07,200
He will erm... arrive shortly.
1056
01:14:07,247 --> 01:14:12,082
- A most magnificent sum!
- Erm... could we ask... just how magnificent?
1057
01:14:12,127 --> 01:14:14,322
Oh, yes. (Clears throat) Well,
1058
01:14:14,367 --> 01:14:20,522
it's the magnificent total of
£111,000 three shillings and thruppence.
1059
01:14:20,567 --> 01:14:22,523
(Chuckles)
1060
01:14:22,567 --> 01:14:24,717
We could continue to administer the fund.
1061
01:14:24,767 --> 01:14:29,158
No, no, no, no, no.
Erm... my uncle gave quite explicit instructions.
1062
01:14:29,207 --> 01:14:32,324
He wants the entire amount handed over to him.
1063
01:14:32,367 --> 01:14:33,766
- Oh?
- In cash.
1064
01:14:34,407 --> 01:14:37,797
- Immediately.
- Oh. That is most unusual.
1065
01:14:38,887 --> 01:14:40,206
Oh, well. However...
1066
01:14:40,247 --> 01:14:41,726
Well, in that case...
1067
01:14:43,447 --> 01:14:47,406
...would it be convenient for you to return,
say, at three o'clock?
1068
01:14:47,447 --> 01:14:51,440
Ah! We were thinking
more immediately than that.
1069
01:14:51,487 --> 01:14:55,605
Erm... Unless, of course,
our new legal friend could bring it to the house.
1070
01:14:55,647 --> 01:15:00,323
Yes, that would suit. You see, this is sure
to prove a trying day for our dear uncle.
1071
01:15:00,367 --> 01:15:02,801
Mm! The shock of losing a brother, you see.
1072
01:15:02,847 --> 01:15:04,963
Plus the shock of winning the tontine
1073
01:15:05,007 --> 01:15:08,795
- might prove too much for his... weak...
- Terribly weak.
1074
01:15:08,847 --> 01:15:11,407
...heart.
- Mm!
1075
01:15:11,447 --> 01:15:13,836
That's no good. Here! Give it to me.
1076
01:15:13,887 --> 01:15:17,766
Leave it, leave it, leave it! Give it to me.
Now, this time. This time, pull!
1077
01:15:17,807 --> 01:15:20,844
- Pull!
- You know what that is?
1078
01:15:21,767 --> 01:15:25,521
That is stuck. That is what that is.
1079
01:15:26,687 --> 01:15:28,882
WOMAN: Is this the Finsbury residence?
1080
01:15:29,847 --> 01:15:32,236
- Who asks?
- Kindly address me as "Major".
1081
01:15:33,007 --> 01:15:37,762
- Are you a member of this household?
- The butler, Major.
1082
01:15:37,807 --> 01:15:41,117
Does your employer answer to the name
of Masterman Finsbury?
1083
01:15:41,167 --> 01:15:43,761
That was the case, Major.
1084
01:15:43,807 --> 01:15:46,446
Then he is delivered up and safely returned.
1085
01:15:46,487 --> 01:15:50,924
This poor, misguided man
attempted to take his own immortal life last night.
1086
01:15:51,887 --> 01:15:54,196
- We fished him out of the river.
- Mercy!
1087
01:15:55,087 --> 01:15:57,078
Yes? Did somebody call?
1088
01:15:57,847 --> 01:16:01,886
Later, Mercy. Later! First things first.
Pass him through.
1089
01:16:01,927 --> 01:16:03,918
Come along! Come along!
1090
01:16:07,367 --> 01:16:09,358
Now, you two, give a hand. Come along!
1091
01:16:13,447 --> 01:16:16,325
Get the piano out of the way!
Come on, get moving! Get moving!
1092
01:16:24,687 --> 01:16:27,155
- Where is he usually kept?
- First door.
1093
01:16:27,207 --> 01:16:29,198
Forward, the Army!
1094
01:16:36,207 --> 01:16:38,198
Take him upstairs.
1095
01:16:41,287 --> 01:16:44,359
You ought to count yourself lucky
we were on our toes last night.
1096
01:16:44,407 --> 01:16:46,602
The Lord moves in mysterious ways
1097
01:16:46,647 --> 01:16:48,956
when He is raising money for our cause.
1098
01:16:49,007 --> 01:16:51,885
He will have to move very mysteriously...
1099
01:16:53,327 --> 01:16:55,318
...to raise any boodle here.
1100
01:16:55,927 --> 01:16:58,202
Boodle? What do you mean?
1101
01:16:58,247 --> 01:17:00,807
I am not in charge of the finances.
1102
01:17:02,047 --> 01:17:04,686
You have to wait till Master Michael returns.
1103
01:17:05,727 --> 01:17:07,718
We can wait.
1104
01:17:08,647 --> 01:17:13,596
- Agh, Master Michael! Oh, poor!
- Ha!
1105
01:17:13,647 --> 01:17:16,445
(Rambles incoherently)
1106
01:17:16,487 --> 01:17:18,478
Here, that boy!
1107
01:17:19,967 --> 01:17:22,527
- Do you want to earn a penny?
- Yeah.
1108
01:17:23,487 --> 01:17:25,842
Here, go to St Mary's hospital.
1109
01:17:25,887 --> 01:17:29,596
- Ask for Mr Michael Finsbury.
- Michael Finsbury?
1110
01:17:32,607 --> 01:17:34,598
(Entrance bell rings)
1111
01:17:38,087 --> 01:17:40,078
(Bell rings)
1112
01:17:53,767 --> 01:17:55,120
- Good morning.
- (Gasps)
1113
01:17:55,167 --> 01:17:57,158
May I be of service in your hour of need?
1114
01:17:57,207 --> 01:18:00,358
Oh... Oh, yes, I've come to pay my respects.
1115
01:18:01,047 --> 01:18:03,356
Who, may I ask, do you suffer the sad loss of?
1116
01:18:03,407 --> 01:18:05,637
My uncle, Masterman Finsbury.
1117
01:18:06,607 --> 01:18:08,757
Finsbury?
1118
01:18:08,807 --> 01:18:10,798
"Finsbury" as in "Park"?
1119
01:18:12,167 --> 01:18:14,158
No, the only soul reposing here
1120
01:18:14,207 --> 01:18:17,802
belongs and answers to the name
Wilfred Ebenezer Hackett.
1121
01:18:17,847 --> 01:18:21,886
Oh. Well, Uncle was called many names,
1122
01:18:21,927 --> 01:18:24,157
but that was never one of them.
1123
01:18:24,207 --> 01:18:26,562
- When did your uncle die?
- Late last night.
1124
01:18:27,767 --> 01:18:30,201
In that case,
allow me to present you with my card.
1125
01:18:31,127 --> 01:18:33,402
Er... Er...
1126
01:18:33,447 --> 01:18:37,804
Oh, I appear to have run out.
Business is so brisk these days!
1127
01:18:37,847 --> 01:18:41,920
It is quite obvious, my dear young lady,
that you are in need of my entire organisation.
1128
01:18:41,967 --> 01:18:46,563
When you leave me at the undertakers',
go back to the house, unpack Uncle
1129
01:18:46,607 --> 01:18:50,725
and place him in the hallway,
so that it appears he fell down the stairs.
1130
01:18:50,767 --> 01:18:53,440
Why do I always have the packing
and unpacking to do?
1131
01:18:53,487 --> 01:18:57,719
You're quite right. I can't trust you
with the simplest task. I'd better handle it.
1132
01:18:57,767 --> 01:18:59,758
We haven't got much time.
1133
01:19:00,287 --> 01:19:02,437
Here we are. Get out!
1134
01:19:04,687 --> 01:19:08,157
Tell the undertakers, a simple coffin.
Nothing expensive!
1135
01:19:10,847 --> 01:19:12,838
♪ (Melancholy tune)
1136
01:19:41,727 --> 01:19:44,002
Now, if you'll excuse me, Miss Finsbury.
1137
01:19:48,607 --> 01:19:50,598
♪ (Barrel organ continues to play)
1138
01:20:35,407 --> 01:20:38,399
Brothers and sisters,
our prayers were for nought.
1139
01:20:38,447 --> 01:20:40,756
Hymn 231.
1140
01:20:40,807 --> 01:20:44,402
♪ Onward Christian soldiers
1141
01:20:44,447 --> 01:20:46,358
♪ Marching as to...
1142
01:20:46,407 --> 01:20:48,398
♪ (Solitary staccato note)
1143
01:20:52,207 --> 01:20:54,198
Most unusual.
1144
01:20:56,567 --> 01:20:58,558
Most unusual!
1145
01:21:00,527 --> 01:21:03,519
I think we'd better pay a call on...
1146
01:21:04,767 --> 01:21:06,758
(Bell rings)
1147
01:21:08,047 --> 01:21:10,038
...on...
1148
01:21:13,007 --> 01:21:15,885
Hm... Yes!
1149
01:21:18,167 --> 01:21:21,955
I think we'll pay a call on...
1150
01:21:24,207 --> 01:21:26,596
- Michael Finsbury, sir?
- I know, I know!
1151
01:21:27,567 --> 01:21:29,558
Michael Finsbury, naturally.
1152
01:21:30,767 --> 01:21:32,962
♪ (Barrel organ plays melancholy tune)
1153
01:21:45,047 --> 01:21:47,356
- Bring that down, will you?
- Right, sir.
1154
01:22:24,887 --> 01:22:28,118
(Wails)
1155
01:22:51,127 --> 01:22:53,118
Mr Patience.
1156
01:22:55,407 --> 01:22:57,762
- What means this?
- Our dead uncle.
1157
01:22:58,047 --> 01:23:01,437
My cousin should never have broken
the glad news at the top of the stairs.
1158
01:23:01,487 --> 01:23:04,285
- Why? What happened?
- Well, the poor old chap...
1159
01:23:05,207 --> 01:23:09,405
...broke his noodle.
- I see. You mean it... it proved fatal?
1160
01:23:09,447 --> 01:23:12,041
Oh, totally. Excuse me.
1161
01:23:12,087 --> 01:23:14,078
Allow me.
1162
01:23:27,647 --> 01:23:30,684
(Chuckles nervously) Er...
1163
01:23:33,527 --> 01:23:35,006
Morris? (Chuckles)
1164
01:23:39,607 --> 01:23:41,359
Morris!
1165
01:23:44,887 --> 01:23:47,640
Morris? (Chuckles nervously)
1166
01:23:50,087 --> 01:23:52,078
Excuse me.
1167
01:23:53,207 --> 01:23:55,402
(Chuckles awkwardly) Morris!
1168
01:23:56,447 --> 01:23:58,438
(Whispers hoarsely) Morris!
1169
01:23:58,487 --> 01:24:01,957
Patience is here with the boodle.
Where is Uncle Joseph?
1170
01:24:02,007 --> 01:24:06,603
- I say, she's a bit of all right!
- "Where is Uncle Joseph," indeed, you cretin!
1171
01:24:06,647 --> 01:24:09,559
- I sent him to you in a barrel!
- Oh? What's this?
1172
01:24:09,607 --> 01:24:13,236
- You realise we're ruined?
- I think I know what's happened.
1173
01:24:14,407 --> 01:24:17,922
- There's been a mix-up.
- You imbecile!
1174
01:24:17,967 --> 01:24:19,480
Let go of me! (Gasps)
1175
01:24:19,527 --> 01:24:22,599
♪ Leads against the foe
1176
01:24:23,287 --> 01:24:26,484
♪ Forward into battle
1177
01:24:26,527 --> 01:24:29,280
♪ See His banners...
- (Groans)
1178
01:24:30,367 --> 01:24:32,198
- Oh, help him up!
- Are you all right?
1179
01:24:32,247 --> 01:24:35,319
- Are you all right? Get him on his feet.
- Yes.
1180
01:24:35,367 --> 01:24:37,358
And that, sir, is that.
1181
01:24:37,407 --> 01:24:40,205
The doctor left this death certificate.
1182
01:24:43,327 --> 01:24:45,318
One moment!
1183
01:24:46,887 --> 01:24:51,278
- Pray, what is going on? Hmm?
- (Chuckles awkwardly)
1184
01:24:56,207 --> 01:24:59,404
Ah! Erm... Thank you.
1185
01:24:59,447 --> 01:25:01,438
Well, what... what is this?
1186
01:25:01,487 --> 01:25:05,196
- What's what?
- Well, today's the 12th. This is dated the 13th.
1187
01:25:05,247 --> 01:25:08,319
Well, here today and gone tomorrow.
1188
01:25:08,367 --> 01:25:10,676
Surely a mere formality, sir?
1189
01:25:10,727 --> 01:25:14,959
You have our words as English gentlemen
that our uncle is... no longer with us.
1190
01:25:16,567 --> 01:25:21,004
I wonder... I wonder if you could give us
a few more moments alone with him
1191
01:25:21,047 --> 01:25:24,960
- before you remove his mortal remains.
- Of course, sir.
1192
01:25:25,007 --> 01:25:28,204
- Please indulge yourself.
- Thank you.
1193
01:25:28,247 --> 01:25:32,684
Well, in that case, perhaps it'd be as well
if I returned another day for the transfer of the...
1194
01:25:32,727 --> 01:25:34,126
Oh, no, no.
1195
01:25:34,167 --> 01:25:37,762
- What must be done... must be done.
- Er... yes.
1196
01:25:37,807 --> 01:25:41,038
- We must...
- Curb our natural grief.
1197
01:25:42,047 --> 01:25:44,038
- Exactly.
- Yes.
1198
01:25:44,087 --> 01:25:50,481
♪ With the cross of Jesus going on before
1199
01:25:51,607 --> 01:25:55,202
♪ Onward Christian soldiers
1200
01:25:55,247 --> 01:25:57,238
(Blood-curdling scream)
1201
01:25:59,047 --> 01:26:04,883
♪ With the cross of Jesus going on before
1202
01:26:04,927 --> 01:26:06,326
No...
1203
01:26:10,007 --> 01:26:12,919
Brothers and sisters,
our prayers have been answered!
1204
01:26:12,967 --> 01:26:15,083
Hymn 224!
1205
01:26:15,127 --> 01:26:19,166
♪ All things bright and beautiful
1206
01:26:20,047 --> 01:26:24,245
You were too keen to get me buried, sir!
The point is... The point is,
1207
01:26:24,287 --> 01:26:28,166
I did not kill my brother Joseph!
I tried to, but I failed.
1208
01:26:28,207 --> 01:26:31,563
MICHAEL: Grandfather...
- Stop your spluttering and allow me to speak!
1209
01:26:31,607 --> 01:26:34,280
The point is, the tontine is ours!
1210
01:26:34,327 --> 01:26:37,160
Well, it certainly isn't yours
and it must be returned!
1211
01:26:37,807 --> 01:26:40,560
- It must be returned at once!
- You can't!
1212
01:26:40,607 --> 01:26:43,167
You can't ask that of two innocent little orphans!
1213
01:26:43,207 --> 01:26:46,483
You couldn't take it back now!
You gave it to us. It's ours!
1214
01:26:46,527 --> 01:26:50,679
I put it to you, gentlemen, that Masterman
Finsbury is alive and your uncle dead.
1215
01:26:50,727 --> 01:26:54,197
- I have his death certificate!
- It's a mistake! It says he died tomorrow!
1216
01:26:54,247 --> 01:26:56,044
- Relinquish that dresser.
- Never!
1217
01:26:56,087 --> 01:26:58,476
And please do not touch me!
1218
01:26:58,527 --> 01:27:02,042
Ooh! You touched me!
1219
01:27:03,167 --> 01:27:05,635
- Er... you may remove the body now.
- Certainly, sir.
1220
01:27:09,767 --> 01:27:11,803
Stop them! Stop them! They have the money.
1221
01:27:13,167 --> 01:27:15,317
Get this... (Mutters angrily)
1222
01:27:16,327 --> 01:27:17,396
Stop!
1223
01:27:19,607 --> 01:27:21,598
Come on!
1224
01:27:22,607 --> 01:27:24,598
Stop them!
1225
01:27:24,647 --> 01:27:26,877
- Stop them, they've got the tontine!
- Julia!
1226
01:27:32,167 --> 01:27:33,759
Stop!
1227
01:27:43,567 --> 01:27:46,479
Stop them! They've got the tontine! Stop them!
1228
01:27:53,327 --> 01:27:56,399
Could you tell me
where I could find Michael Finsbury?
1229
01:27:56,447 --> 01:28:00,679
It's Morris Finsbury you want!
He's just made off with £100,000!
1230
01:28:00,727 --> 01:28:02,718
- What? Where?
- That way!
1231
01:28:02,767 --> 01:28:04,758
In a hearse!
1232
01:28:05,527 --> 01:28:08,758
- This man was a witness.
- (Groans)
1233
01:28:14,847 --> 01:28:16,280
Seize him.
1234
01:28:17,287 --> 01:28:19,482
(Mutters in protest)
1235
01:28:19,527 --> 01:28:21,483
(Groans)
1236
01:28:21,527 --> 01:28:23,597
It's obvious we are not needed here.
1237
01:28:23,647 --> 01:28:26,036
We brought the Gospel,
but they would not listen.
1238
01:28:26,967 --> 01:28:28,195
Damn them all!
1239
01:28:28,247 --> 01:28:30,238
♪ Triumphant march
1240
01:28:42,247 --> 01:28:44,238
(Music continues to play)
1241
01:28:51,007 --> 01:28:53,362
(Urges horses on)
1242
01:28:54,407 --> 01:28:56,363
Come on. Come on. Hey!
1243
01:28:56,407 --> 01:29:00,161
- Halt! In the name of the law...
(Horse neighs)
1244
01:29:00,207 --> 01:29:04,883
...follow those hearses!
- Stop! Wait for me!
1245
01:29:05,767 --> 01:29:07,758
♪ Upbeat march
1246
01:29:21,207 --> 01:29:22,196
(Music stops)
1247
01:29:23,727 --> 01:29:25,718
♪ Solemn funeral march
1248
01:29:36,887 --> 01:29:38,957
(Music stops)
1249
01:29:39,007 --> 01:29:40,998
(Upbeat march resumes)
1250
01:29:54,407 --> 01:29:55,681
(Music stops)
1251
01:29:57,687 --> 01:29:59,678
♪ Solemn funeral march
1252
01:29:59,727 --> 01:30:01,718
(Rapid hoof beats)
1253
01:30:15,087 --> 01:30:16,202
Giddy-up! Giddy-up!
1254
01:30:36,967 --> 01:30:39,197
♪ Upbeat march
1255
01:30:43,407 --> 01:30:46,365
♪ Lively trumpet solo
1256
01:31:48,447 --> 01:31:49,596
(Horse neighs)
1257
01:31:53,167 --> 01:31:55,283
(Squabbling)
1258
01:31:55,327 --> 01:31:57,443
It is, as you know, a statistical fact
1259
01:31:57,487 --> 01:32:00,604
that in London one person dies
every 25 seconds,
1260
01:32:01,167 --> 01:32:03,601
which means it is extremely probable
that one of us
1261
01:32:03,647 --> 01:32:06,480
may not even live to arrive at the cemetery.
1262
01:32:11,967 --> 01:32:13,764
(Hearses rattle past)
1263
01:32:18,727 --> 01:32:21,366
Morris, I think there's been another mix-up.
1264
01:32:21,407 --> 01:32:23,682
- We've got a body instead of the boodle.
- What?
1265
01:32:25,327 --> 01:32:27,318
We must go to the cemetery!
1266
01:32:30,847 --> 01:32:33,361
(Approaching hoof beats)
1267
01:32:46,007 --> 01:32:47,998
(Bird caws)
1268
01:32:50,727 --> 01:32:52,718
(Church bell tolls)
1269
01:32:54,767 --> 01:32:57,281
Quick. Get the flag. They'll never notice.
1270
01:32:57,327 --> 01:32:59,602
I will recall, Mrs Hackett,
1271
01:32:59,647 --> 01:33:03,196
that your late husband showed me
another kindness on February 3rd.
1272
01:33:03,247 --> 01:33:08,685
- No, February 4th. Another kindness, by...
- And it was kind of him to pass on, wasn't it?
1273
01:33:08,727 --> 01:33:14,165
Wasn't it? Gave you a better chance
of the tontine! Hypocrite! You hypocrite!
1274
01:33:14,207 --> 01:33:17,722
Don't touch me! (Wails hysterically)
1275
01:33:19,247 --> 01:33:22,603
Now, come, Mrs Hackett.
You mustn't spoil this beautiful occasion.
1276
01:33:22,647 --> 01:33:26,720
(Wails) Perfidious! How dare... (Sobs)
1277
01:33:26,767 --> 01:33:29,122
(Continues to sob)
1278
01:33:37,847 --> 01:33:39,883
What have you done with Mr Hackett?
1279
01:33:39,927 --> 01:33:41,963
Look at the size of that coffin!
1280
01:33:42,007 --> 01:33:45,716
That's only part of him! He weighed 15 stone.
1281
01:33:45,767 --> 01:33:48,201
And look at that ridiculous flag!
1282
01:33:48,247 --> 01:33:52,081
He hated England! (Wails)
1283
01:33:54,247 --> 01:33:56,078
(Rapid approaching hoof beats)
1284
01:34:04,687 --> 01:34:07,997
Excuse me, you have our body.
Erm... our Yorkshire terrier.
1285
01:34:08,047 --> 01:34:09,605
He would have been 14 tomorrow.
1286
01:34:09,647 --> 01:34:12,241
- Poor little beggar.
- (Sobs)
1287
01:34:14,527 --> 01:34:16,199
MORRIS: Hey! Get back!
1288
01:34:20,407 --> 01:34:23,160
Excuse... Excuse me! (Pants)
1289
01:34:23,207 --> 01:34:25,767
Stop! Thief! Stop! Thief!
1290
01:34:29,407 --> 01:34:32,240
- (Groans)
- Let us remember where we are!
1291
01:34:37,047 --> 01:34:39,038
- Aaah!
- Aargh!
1292
01:34:44,407 --> 01:34:46,363
- Oh!
JULIA: Oh, my!
1293
01:34:49,487 --> 01:34:50,636
(Julia whimpers)
1294
01:34:54,327 --> 01:34:56,318
JULIA: Uncle...
1295
01:35:00,247 --> 01:35:02,238
That's him.
1296
01:35:04,367 --> 01:35:07,165
Please. May we begin?
1297
01:35:08,567 --> 01:35:12,162
Dearly beloved, we are gathered
together in the sight of God
1298
01:35:12,207 --> 01:35:16,644
and in the face of this congregation
to join this man and this woman...
1299
01:35:18,127 --> 01:35:21,039
No, no - that's not it. Er... Er...
1300
01:35:21,087 --> 01:35:23,396
- Aah!
- Ugh!
1301
01:35:23,447 --> 01:35:27,679
I must have quiet! I demand the silence
due this solemn occasion!
1302
01:35:27,727 --> 01:35:29,843
(Screams)
1303
01:35:29,887 --> 01:35:31,798
Uncle Joseph!
1304
01:35:38,367 --> 01:35:41,439
- Just where you belong, Jo-jo.
- Oh!
1305
01:35:41,487 --> 01:35:43,796
VICAR: Please! I beg of you, sir!
1306
01:35:43,847 --> 01:35:48,159
- Get off him, all of you!
- Ladies! Gentlemen!
1307
01:35:48,207 --> 01:35:51,119
I beg of you to conduct your business elsewhere.
1308
01:35:51,167 --> 01:35:55,285
- What do you mean, elsewhere?
- Not you, of course, Mrs Hackett.
1309
01:35:58,407 --> 01:36:00,398
Uncle Joseph.
1310
01:36:01,407 --> 01:36:02,760
Let us begin...
1311
01:36:03,687 --> 01:36:07,726
Man that is born of a woman
hath but a short time to live
1312
01:36:07,767 --> 01:36:09,439
and is full of misery.
1313
01:36:09,487 --> 01:36:13,116
- He cometh up and is cut down like a flower.
- (Wails)
1314
01:36:13,167 --> 01:36:15,965
He fleeth as it were a shadow
1315
01:36:16,007 --> 01:36:18,965
and never continueth in one stay.
1316
01:36:19,007 --> 01:36:21,601
In the midst of life, we are in death.
1317
01:36:21,647 --> 01:36:25,799
- Of whom may we seek for succour...
- Stop! Stop this funeral.
1318
01:36:26,767 --> 01:36:30,885
I demand the money to be returned.
The tontine has yet to be won.
1319
01:36:30,927 --> 01:36:33,236
(Church bell tolls)
- If fate names me the winner,
1320
01:36:33,287 --> 01:36:36,006
the entire amount goes to my ward, Julia.
1321
01:36:38,927 --> 01:36:41,919
Julia, my darling, I've always loved you.
Be mine tonight.
1322
01:36:41,967 --> 01:36:43,958
Better still, be mine.
1323
01:36:44,007 --> 01:36:49,001
VICAR: Let us begin. Man that is born of woman
hath but a short time to live
1324
01:36:49,047 --> 01:36:51,607
- and is full of misery.
(Church bell tolls)
1325
01:36:52,927 --> 01:36:55,122
What's going on? What is it? Come on.
1326
01:36:55,167 --> 01:36:57,362
Please, sir, I beg of you.
There's a dead man here.
1327
01:36:57,407 --> 01:36:58,726
All right, no-one move!
1328
01:37:01,367 --> 01:37:03,358
(Church bell tolls)
1329
01:37:07,367 --> 01:37:09,278
- Finsbury?
FINSBURY CLAN: Yes?
1330
01:37:12,287 --> 01:37:14,801
- Morris Finsbury?
- Yes.
1331
01:37:14,847 --> 01:37:18,237
Morris Finsbury, I arrest you
for stealing £100,000.
1332
01:37:18,287 --> 01:37:21,165
- But the money has been returned, sir.
- And who are you, sir?
1333
01:37:21,207 --> 01:37:24,836
- Some sort of accomplice?
- Certainly not! I am his solicitor.
1334
01:37:24,887 --> 01:37:27,117
You've brought a solicitor with you, have you?
1335
01:37:27,167 --> 01:37:30,477
- I've met your type before.
- No, I'm the administrator of the tontine!
1336
01:37:30,527 --> 01:37:33,439
- "Tontine"?
- Named after Lorenzo Tonti,
1337
01:37:33,487 --> 01:37:36,843
- a Neapolitan banker.
- And who are you, sir?
1338
01:37:36,887 --> 01:37:39,560
- I...
- He's nobody. He's my young brother.
1339
01:37:39,607 --> 01:37:41,677
- And who are you, sir?
- None of your business.
1340
01:37:42,327 --> 01:37:44,682
I shall have you arrested for indecent exposure!
1341
01:37:45,487 --> 01:37:47,682
My grandfather was recently buried, sir.
1342
01:37:47,727 --> 01:37:49,524
And who are you, sir?
1343
01:37:49,567 --> 01:37:51,558
He is Michael Finsbury.
1344
01:37:51,607 --> 01:37:52,960
And who are you, madam?
1345
01:37:53,007 --> 01:37:56,522
She is Julia Finsbury, shortly to become...
1346
01:37:57,487 --> 01:37:59,045
...Julia Finsbury.
1347
01:37:59,087 --> 01:38:01,920
Young man, did you know
there was a body in the piano?
1348
01:38:04,207 --> 01:38:06,198
I did it.
1349
01:38:09,327 --> 01:38:11,522
- Who is he?
- He is the butler, sir.
1350
01:38:11,567 --> 01:38:14,525
- The butler did it?
- No, sir.
1351
01:38:15,447 --> 01:38:17,597
- I put the body there.
- Is this true?
1352
01:38:17,647 --> 01:38:21,526
- Yes, sir.
- Then you are entitled to a reward of £1,000.
1353
01:38:21,567 --> 01:38:25,765
You are responsible for bringing
the Bournemouth Strangler to his just end.
1354
01:38:25,807 --> 01:38:28,082
£1,000?
1355
01:38:29,207 --> 01:38:31,596
Oh, but I... I don't deserve it.
1356
01:38:31,647 --> 01:38:34,559
- The body just arrived in a barrel.
- I sent it.
1357
01:38:34,607 --> 01:38:38,361
- And who are you, sir?
- He is of diminished responsibility, Officer.
1358
01:38:38,407 --> 01:38:43,242
It was all my doing. If there's any justice
in this naughty world, the reward is mine.
1359
01:38:43,287 --> 01:38:45,039
- And who are you?
(Thud)
1360
01:38:45,087 --> 01:38:47,362
You remember me. Morris Finsbury.
1361
01:38:47,407 --> 01:38:50,524
I was falsely accused of stealing £100,000,
1362
01:38:50,567 --> 01:38:52,398
whereas, in fact, it was me and me alone
1363
01:38:52,447 --> 01:38:56,486
who was responsible for bringing
the Bournemouth Strangler to his just deserts.
1364
01:38:56,527 --> 01:38:58,518
(Commotion)
104262
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