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Festive greetings all round. I'm getting into the spirit this year.
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It'll be hard cos I'll be at my parents', where for three days they
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will find things "fun" that aren't "fun" at any other time of the year,
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and we'll be bound by Mum's Christmas organisational chart.
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Happy face!
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Darling, your father's here...
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Ha-ha-ha!
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Look, my fun tinsel tie.
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Isn't that such fun?
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Hang on, let me turn on my fun Christmas socks.
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TINNY MUSIC
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Kill me.
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I wish I could stay at home. That might sound depressing,
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but I've never denied how much fun I have living alone.
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But there's a definite festive positive. I've made up with Gary, which is a relief for everyone.
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Everything OK? Yes, fine. Yes.
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Apart from the fact that you married someone for a green card, so have potato for hair...
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Oh, Miranda...
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I've got Gary a great gift this year so he'll know I've forgiven him. Done all my shopping online.
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Delivery will arrive today. Genius.
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Right, on with the merriment my chums. Cue festive titles.
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# Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la la la la
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# 'Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la... #
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Happy Christmas Eve eve.
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Happy Christmas Eve eve. Ooh.
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Advent calendar. Ooh, can I?
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Together?
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Ah. Where's the chocolate?
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Where's the chocolate?
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Eaten on the first day of purchase.
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Who can sit in a room day after day when there are little chocolates behind windows, not remove them,
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eat them, then replace the windows like nothing ever happened? I can.
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Because you're an actual and literal tiny little weirdo.
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When you go to your parents', can you take my case?
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Yeah. I've been thinking, I think I might try and get out of it.
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# Fa la la la la la la la. #
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I mean, wouldn't it be great to have Christmas exactly how we wanted it?
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# Fa la la la la la la la. #
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No Christmas chart, no sign reading,
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"Please unwrap your presents neatly so I can iron the wrapping paper and save it for next year."
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No constant weather reports from Dad.
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No, I will have to try and get out of it.
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Trouble is, Mum can pre-empt any excuse and will just talk straight over me.
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Hmm, we'll be going then. Good, cos I can't wait to experience it.
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Right, just going to open the shop. Oh, will you keep an eye out for my parcel?
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It's all my presents. Cos I've got to nip to the doctors, cos, um,
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well, have you ever had a rash on your breast?
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I don't know what you're saying and I don't wish to know. Fine, OK.
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MUM AND DAD: Ho, ho, ho!
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Oh, no.
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Hello, poppet. Stevie...
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Suitcase!
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Can't think where you get your clumsiness from.
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Isn't it cold outside? Freezing, isn't it?
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I hope not.
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Because if that snow turns to slush, we'll get black ice.
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Absolute death trap. I think we ought to head back pronto.
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Plus I don't want to miss You've Been Framed.
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Girls, I've chosen something for you for my Best Christmas Jumper Party tonight. Oh, Mum, don't.
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Listen, about Christmas, Stevie and I... So we'll get the costumes and pick you up at the restaurant later.
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We were thinking... We've got pink champagne. Told you, so annoying.
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No, the thing is, Mum... You'll get sozzled, we'll decorate the tree. I've got great baubles,
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and you can do the fairy. Such fun, such fun. Such fun, such fun! Don't do that. Mum! Mum!
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Mum! Such fun! No, the thing is...about Christmas... Such fun, such fun! Nice try, poppet.
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Suitcase. Coming.
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"Such fun!"
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Oh... # fffa la la la la la la la # off.
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KNOCKING
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Come in, sit down.
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Wowzers.
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Sorry? Nothing.
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So, how can I help? Are you married? Shush.
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Sorry, I actually thought I was getting a female doctor.
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Ah, they said Doctor Gail. That's my surname.
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Miranda Gail. Hmm?
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What?
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What? Sorry? Nothing.
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So, are you happy with me?
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Very.
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Yes, it's just I'm actually here about a female part... but, um, it's all just anatomical to you, right?
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Of course, of course, don't worry. So what's the problem?
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Well, it's not really a problem, more of a feature.
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You see, it's my right breast.
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I've got a sort of rash on it,
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and because the rash was on my breast I thought I better get it checked, you see.
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No problem. Let's have a look.
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Sure.
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SHE WHISTLES
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Well, I don't think that's anything to worry about.
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Sorry.
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Now, did you eat anything unusual and then notice it? Do you have any nut allergies?
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I haven't been rubbing peanuts on my breasts.
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I wasn't thinking...
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Saying "I haven't rubbed peanuts on my breasts" sounds like I've rubbed peanuts on my breasts!
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Well, if it doesn't settle down in a couple of days, or gets worse, come and see me again.
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Great, OK, thank you so much, Doctor.
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I'm sorry, just FYI, the other breast, completely normal.
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A right bobby dazzler.
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Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie! Has my parcel arrived?
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A depot card? "We tried to deliver, but you were out."
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This is the smuggest piece of paper in the world.
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Sorry, I had to close the shop for ten minutes just to clear customers.
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I'm very hot and anxious, actually.
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I'm like a mouse in a microwave.
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Can you just get a grip, please, actually, because a depot card! All my presents. So annoying.
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Hang on, they'll re-deliver Christmas Eve.
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In your face. Nice.
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RECORDED FEMALE VOICE: 'Welcome to UPD delivery.
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'If you would like to arrange redelivery, press 1.
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'Please state when you would like the package redelivered.'
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Tuesday. 'Did you say...'
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MAN'S VOICE: 'Monday?' No, who are you?
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'I'm sorry, we couldn't identify.'
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Tuesday.
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'I'm sorry. Did you say...
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'Thursday?'
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Tuesday.
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Tuesday.
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I mean, I literally can't make it any clearer.
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Tuesday. You've gone too posh now.
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'When would you like the package redelivered?' Toosday, innit?
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'Did you say... Tuesday?'
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Yes. 'Please confirm, did you say...
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'Tuesday.' YE-ES. If it can't understand that, what is the point?! Putting you through to an operator.
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WOMAN: 'Hello, UPD Delivery, can I help you?'
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Yes, hello, I've been put through, but I was doing voice recognition.
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'Yes, that's all fine, your parcel will be delivered tomorrow between 8am and 7pm.'
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And you can't specify a time?
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'I'm afraid we can only give you a time...'
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(MIMICKING) We can only give you a period of 8am to 7pm. OK, thank you!
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Do you think they get trained in those phone voices?
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Why is it you never meet anyone in real life who speaks like that? You always hear it at spas, don't you?
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NASAL VOICE: Yeah. "So, you're here for a day package..." "Would you like any treatments?"
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Imagine living with a voice like that. 'My husband doesn't mind.'
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Oh, still there!
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Mmm, I have missed your baking.
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Right, and me? Have you missed me?
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Er, nope, mainly been the cakes.
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Of course I've missed you.
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Come here.
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Oh, are you two...
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Just friends. Now listen, what time are your Mum and Dad coming to pick you up?
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Any minute now. Tilly's in Mauritius, you're at yours, it's not fair.
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I'm giving it one more shot to get out of it.
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I can't face being irrationally irritated for three days.
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Two-week bumper Radio Times.
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Feel the heft of telly heaven.
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What day is it? One never knows at Christmas. Thursday, I think.
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Ah, but which Thursday?
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It says Christmas Day at the top! 23rd, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day!
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How clever of it. We have the same conversation every year!
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"Feel the heft of telly heaven." "Which day is it?"
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"One never knows at Christmas." "Which week?" It says Christmas Day!
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And tonight at the jumper party I'll be surrounded by Mum's crazy posh friends.
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Last year I heard one of them say, "I take a rubber band to parties,
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"slip it round my glass, I'll easily spot it on a crowded table."
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SILLY LAUGH
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So annoying. And Mum'll be at her worst. Come on, she's not that bad.
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# Dashing through the snow In a one-horse open sleigh
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# O'er the fields we go
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# Laughing all the way!
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# Jingle bells, jingle... #
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Isn't it thrilly bots?
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Come on, Charles.
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I haven't got excited yet,
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but I'm sure it will hit me any moment.
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Darling, we ought to be getting back,
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because if the car temperature gauge is right, then that drizzle will turn to black ice.
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Absolute death trap. Coat stand.
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Mum, wait, listen. About Christmas, I've been thinking it's time I spent Christmas... Darling, darling...
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I have been slaving for weeks on the Christmas chart.
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I've bought enough food to last until January 19th because your father thinks we might get snowed in.
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I haven't done that kind of panic-buy since Labour won the election in '97.
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As of yesterday, the chart includes the perfect Boxing Day ramble,
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and a root vegetable appendix section so, should I die, you'll know how to make parsnip soup.
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(SOBBING) You don't realise what I do for this family.
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OK, OK. Quick chop, then.
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Wait, are you going out like that? No.
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Yes!
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Look - Velcro magic. Might try that on your father later.
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Eugh!
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Steady boy, steady.
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# Dashing through the snow... #
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Help me! Miranda! Coming! Bye.
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Good luck.
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Caroline has the spare, she'll be sharing with Minty.
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Beaky's taking the fold down, and Louise wants the coach house,
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which didn't suit Minty, who likes Freddie away from Caroline.
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Well, you'll need another drink then.
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Which one's yours? Oh.
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So, what are your sleeping arrangements this year?
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Well, Stevie's staying in the spare room, and as usual, Miranda's on the shelf.
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Such fun!
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I can't cope with this. Oh, hi, Dad. Hello, darling.
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I have just been watching The Planet's Funniest Animals.
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Hilarious. Now, this planet has some very funny animals.
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And I'm privileged to have seen the absolute funniest.
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Jennifer, you remember Miranda and her friend Stevie.
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Of course. Nibble?
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Ah, Jennifer, now, did you drive?
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Yes. Well, you be very careful,
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because if that slush freezes,
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it will turn to... Black ice.
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Absolute... Death trap.
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Oh, Miranda, doesn't your mother have wonderful nibbles?
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Not a euphemism, I hope.
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You see, no wonder she's single. Talking of which, I must see if the hunk I invited has arrived.
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Oh, no. Right, that is it.
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I'm giving her three strikes and we're out of here. Seriously.
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Oh, this'll help ease the pain.
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We can't start it.
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Remove top, remove icing! She'll never know.
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Oh, yes, there he is. Miranda...
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What are you doing? Red-labelled food items are for the big day only.
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Oh! Lord, I've forgotten to marzipan my cake.
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Someone hasn't done a Christmas chart.
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I presume the nuts are all right to eat, are they?
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Now look, darling, I've spied the man I want you to meet.
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Come on, shoulders back, chest out, backside in the next room.
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Miranda, Miranda, let me introduce you to... Doctor Gail.
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Strike one.
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Hello. Hello. I'll leave you to it.
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Hello, sorry.
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Well, this is a bit weird, isn't it? Do we have to pretend like this morning never happened?
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It's a bit like we're having an affair.
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We could have an affair.
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Miranda, have you...
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Ooh, hello.
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Enchante. Je suis Stevie.
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Bonsoir Stevie, joyeux Noelle and bonne annee.
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Oui.
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So, are you new to the area? Yes, I just moved here a couple of months ago from London.
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In your TARDIS, Doctor?
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SHE GIGGLES
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Because you're a doctor, so I said your TARDIS...
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GIGGLES
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Do you see? Cos you're a doctor! Cos you're a doctor!
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Why don't you just stop? I would've if I could've.
239
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:06,000
Is that a peanut in your breasts? No. Get off!
240
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,000
Now look what you've done.
241
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:12,000
I was about to switch on the allure and he would've come to mama.
242
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:17,000
Everybody, can I have your attention? Thank you.
243
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:21,000
It's time to announce the winner of the best Christmas jumper competition.
244
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:25,000
And, for the fourth year running, it's Robert.
245
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:36,000
Ah, yes, darling, actually, while you're there, why don't you give us a song?
246
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:39,000
Strike two. Oh, no, darling, I couldn't possibly.
247
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:40,000
GUESTS BEG
248
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,000
No, no, that is not what this...
249
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:44,000
Oh, all right, then.
250
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:52,000
# Good King Wenceslas looked out
251
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:55,000
# On the feast of Stephen
252
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,000
# There's Miranda laying about
253
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:02,000
# On the feast of Stephen
254
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,000
# Stuffing all the food she can
255
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:09,000
# From the feast of Stephen
256
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,000
# I won't take her for my wife
257
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:17,000
# Nor will I, said Ste-e-phen. #
258
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,000
# Strike three! # Right, that's it. We're out of here.
259
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:23,000
No, no, darling! Miranda...
260
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:27,000
Hi, listen, we escaped. Well done.
261
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:30,000
Well, our Christmas Day booking just cancelled.
262
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:33,000
Really? Well, actually, hang on, that's a good thing.
263
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:37,000
Hello? The four of us, at mine, a non-family Christmas?
264
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:40,000
No getting up early for church. No overcooked turkey.
265
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:43,000
No naked hide-and-seek.
266
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:48,000
Wow. OK. So, shall we do it? The perfect Christmas, at mine? Let's do it.
267
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:51,000
Yay! Brilliant, OK. And I've got great gifts arriving tomorrow.
268
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:55,000
Oh, you're notoriously bad at gifts. Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.
269
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:58,000
Hi, tout le monde peepsicles.
270
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,000
Hi, Tilly, what are you doing here?
271
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:03,000
Oh, I decided not to go to Mauritius.
272
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:10,000
The parentals went but they asked Rups along, and so I thought negativos to that holibob.
273
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:14,000
Sorry, your ex-fiance has gone on "holibobs" with your parents?
274
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,000
Yup. Which is totally fine.
275
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:19,000
I'll just have a really quiet one.
276
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:22,000
Which is totally fine.
277
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,000
Could I get a massive Pinot?
278
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,000
Oh, bear with... Bear with...
279
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:32,000
Bear with.
280
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,000
Oh, they've landed safely.
281
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:40,000
And they're already on the beach. That's good.
282
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,000
Totally fine.
283
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:43,000
Spiffulent.
284
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:46,000
LAUGHS
285
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:55,000
Tears of joy, seriously, tears of joy.
286
00:16:56,000 --> 00:17:01,000
Listen, Tilly, we're having Christmas at mine, just the four of us. Do you want to join?
287
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:03,000
No, as I said, Kong, totally fine.
288
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:08,000
Yes, Kong, yes, I do.
289
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:10,000
Oh, ace-icles.
290
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:13,000
Oh, OK. Great, right.
291
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:17,000
Well, tomorrow night, Christmas Eve sleepover, and let the festivities begin. I'm so excited...
292
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,000
# And I just can't hide it
293
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:24,000
# I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I want you, I want you. #
294
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:28,000
Isn't this jolly? I want you. OK...
295
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:32,000
"I'm sorry we can only specify 8am to 7pm for your delivery."
296
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:37,000
Mind you, I'd rather sit in for 11 hours than deal with Christmas Eve shopping hell. Enjoy.
297
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:41,000
Now, are you sure you're going to be OK, yes? You will make Heather proud?
298
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:43,000
# What have you done today? #
299
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:48,000
# Today! # Heather, I will have looked after the shop. I'll be fine. We're not busy.
300
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,000
We're not open yet.
301
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:55,000
Bye.
302
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:03,000
Ooh, my goodness. OK, hello, everybody.
303
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:07,000
Anyone from UPD delivery? No? OK, carry on. Would you like that gift wrapped?
304
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,000
Yes, please. You would. OK.
305
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,000
Really bad at gift wrapping.
306
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:27,000
Right, that's 14.99. Thank you, madam. Would you like that, um, gift wrapped?
307
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,000
You would? OK, right.
308
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:35,000
Oh, hang on, hang on, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, sir.
309
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:38,000
Are you from UPD delivery? No. You're not. OK, fine, as you were.
310
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:43,000
There you go, thank you. Next.
311
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:47,000
Excuse me, excuse me. Are you from UPD delivery? Oh, no, it's you, sorry, you were leaving. So sorry.
312
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,000
Getting in to a bit of a state!
313
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:54,000
Just have it, please. Have it. Take it. Next. Go. Thank you.
314
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,000
Are you from UPD... No, that's you leaving. Fine.
315
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,000
Are you from UPD?
316
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:00,000
No, browse, browse.
317
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:04,000
I thought you were UPD. You can't leave, carol singers.
318
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,000
I need to leave. Well, you can't.
319
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,000
Sorry, get down, get down. Hide.
320
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:10,000
Carol singers. Where are you going?
321
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,000
I said you can't leave.
322
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:15,000
Carol singers. We've got to hide. Get down.
323
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:19,000
I will not have my perfect Christmas ruined by standing awkwardly in front of a group of people
324
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:22,000
whose singing ability is inversely proportional to their enthusiasm.
325
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,000
OK, shush, stay there.
326
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:30,000
I said get down! Shush.
327
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,000
KNOCKING
328
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:33,000
SINGING IN DISTANCE
329
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,000
No!
330
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,000
Depot card!
331
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:47,000
# Ding dong merrily on high
332
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:50,000
# In heaven the bells are ringing
333
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:53,000
# Can you see a delivery guy behind you?
334
00:19:53,000 --> 00:20:01,000
# Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-es, I can,
335
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,000
# But now he's driven off
336
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:08,000
# Yo-o-o-o-o-o-ou're a bit smug
337
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:11,000
# So this door might hit your noses
338
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:16,000
# Ple-e-e-ease can I leave, because you are scaring me? #
339
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:21,000
Hello.
340
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:25,000
Hello. All right, Stan? Don't look so glum, I'll be out in five years.
341
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:31,000
Because it's a bit like a prison divider. No? All right. As you wish.
342
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,000
You have a parcel for me.
343
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:44,000
Yeah, your parcel's not here. It takes 24 hours for the packages to be returned to the depot.
344
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,000
24 hours? Where does it...?
345
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:54,000
Where does it say that? It doesn't say that. Where does it say that? It says it there.
346
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:58,000
OK, fine. Could you please just check in case it's come back?
347
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:04,000
Next. Oh, now, come on, it's all my presents, Ray.
348
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:07,000
I've got a gift for Gary, and he doesn't believe I've got presents!
349
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:10,000
I know you don't know him, Ray, but that's not the point, is it?
350
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:13,000
Ooh, hasn't he got a lovely package?
351
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,000
How is that not funny, Ray?
352
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:19,000
It's a classic.
353
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:22,000
Sorry to rant. I'm just a little overexcited.
354
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:26,000
I'm spending Christmas with friends for the first time. I bet you've got lovely plans?
355
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:28,000
No, I'm on my own, my wife just left me.
356
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:30,000
Sorry.
357
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:35,000
Did she leave a card so you can collect her later?
358
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:39,000
Now, is the van likely to come back?
359
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:44,000
Yeah, the driver will be coming back cos it's my van, I was off work this morning, my hip...
360
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:49,000
Can I stop you there, Ray? And I'll tell you for why - I'm not interested.
361
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:52,000
Thank you. Now, can I wait for the van?
362
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,000
No, we're closing now. I'm closing. Goodbye.
363
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:59,000
No, Ray, that's not fair, it's Christmas. Can you actually... Get out, get out of there!
364
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,000
X Factor.
365
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:04,000
Conveyor belt of some kind.
366
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:10,000
No dancing prayer? No dancing prayer?! What's that?
367
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:15,000
Hey guys, when Stevie went to the loo, we had a look at her charade card.
368
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,000
'No Sex Please, We're British'.
369
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,000
We put it back and made a pact never to guess it.
370
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:24,000
It's very funny, and taking my mind off the depot debacle.
371
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:27,000
Oh, I know, I know, I know.
372
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,000
What's the second word again?
373
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,000
Pumping? Drilling?
374
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:34,000
Ski Sunday.
375
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:38,000
Dancercise. Hula hoop.
376
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:39,000
Hula hula hoop!
377
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:43,000
Titanic!
378
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:46,000
Have you really got no idea?
379
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:51,000
ALL: Er...No Sex Please, We're British!
380
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:54,000
That's hilarious.
381
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:58,000
That is quite hilarious, isn't it?
382
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:01,000
Right, is it time to wend our way to the kingdom of Beddybyes?
383
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,000
So, I have made up my room in to a guest room
384
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:07,000
with a futon on floor, and someone can share the sofa bed with me. Bagsy not me!
385
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,000
Why? Wind. Good luck, Gary.
386
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:16,000
Just go and brush my teeth.
387
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:18,000
OK, sure.
388
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:23,000
I know we're just friends, but it's so awkward sharing a bed.
389
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:26,000
Right, now, the question is, do I take my bra off?
390
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:31,000
Because then in the morning, there'll be two jellies sliding down a plate look.
391
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:34,000
That's the only trouble. No, I'd better put my bra on.
392
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:36,000
No, but then he'll see me wearing a bra in bed and that'd look odd.
393
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:40,000
No, I'm going no bra. And let's hope when I turn over I don't do the breast clap.
394
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:45,000
Right. OK, now.... Ooh! Morning breath.
395
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:48,000
Should I set an alarm at five and suck a mint? Maybe.
396
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:51,000
What happens if my pyjamas ride up...or down, cos they do that.
397
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:55,000
Right, stop panicking, take bra off and act casual.
398
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:07,000
Hello. Hi.
399
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:08,000
Wow.
400
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,000
So, um,
401
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:14,000
are you going to budge up?
402
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,000
I like being on the left.
403
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:17,000
Right, OK.
404
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:32,000
Ooh... Cold bed dance? Yep.
405
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:36,000
That's better.
406
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:41,000
This is going to be a great Christmas. And you know what?
407
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:46,000
Don't worry about a present, because I have the best present I could have - I've got my friend back.
408
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,000
Ah, really?
409
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,000
No! Where's my present, you bitch?
410
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,000
Night. Night.
411
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:02,000
BREAST CLAP
412
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:06,000
What was that?
413
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:09,000
It was a duck quacking.
414
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,000
A duck? Quacking, yeah.
415
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:19,000
Hey, happy Christmas! So who wants breakfast?
416
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:24,000
I might have a mince pie for breakfast. Why not? I'm going to save mine for the Queen's speech.
417
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:26,000
I might have mine instead of Xmas pudulant.
418
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:29,000
We can do exactly what we want. Oh, do we have to wear a hat?
419
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:33,000
No, you don't have to wear a hat. But also, you could wear a hat.
420
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:36,000
Welcome to Miranda-mas!
421
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:40,000
THEY HUM: "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday"
422
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:42,000
This is so great, I just love it!
423
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:49,000
This is going to be the perfect Christmas.
424
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:50,000
Release!
425
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:54,000
Gary, what are you doing? You're ruining the turkey.
426
00:25:54,000 --> 00:26:00,000
You said you had a fan oven! If I don't cut it up, it won't cook! I need it on Chanel number four now!
427
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:03,000
Tilly, you're very selfish! I'm not a chef, am I? Obviously!
428
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:08,000
Can you keep it down, please?! Miranda, Clive just pulled my cracker!
429
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:11,000
Well, I am sure he didn't mean to. I did mean to. Clive Evans!
430
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:14,000
I'll pull my own cracker. I bet you're used to that.
431
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:16,000
Stevie Sutton! That's unacceptable.
432
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:19,000
Honestly. Gary, this is hopeless.
433
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:21,000
Stevie wants to eat at three, when Clive wants a walk,
434
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:24,000
everyone wants crackers at different times. Well, plan. Make a chart.
435
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:29,000
Don't! We might as well be at Mum's. Oh, yeah? And what's Christmas day like at your Mum's? Really good.
436
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:31,000
Stevie!
437
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:39,000
This isn't working, is it? No. Don't tell the others. Let's go to Mum's. Yes.
438
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:44,000
What's going on? Shhh. Don't tell the others, we're going to go to Mum's. Right, OK.
439
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:48,000
What's happening? Shush, don't tell the others, we're going to go to Mum's.
440
00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:53,000
What are you doing? Shush. Don't tell the others, we're going to Mum's.
441
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:56,000
Why am I whispering? This is all of us.
442
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:58,000
Let's go.
443
00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:03,000
O-o-o-o-o-h!
444
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:04,000
Oh!
445
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:06,000
MUM: Right,
446
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:10,000
Mr Turkey will be ready in half an hour.
447
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:15,000
Are you sure you've got enough for us all, Pen Pen? Of course! I knew Miranda would be back.
448
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:17,000
I have the perfect Christmas.
449
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:18,000
DOORBELL
450
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:21,000
Oh, oh. Lonely straggler alert.
451
00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:23,000
Everybody, this is Ray,
452
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:26,000
Oh, no. Used to be our postman.
453
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:28,000
Hello, Ray. Hello.
454
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:32,000
Hope I'm not too late. Not at all, you said you'd be here between three and four.
455
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:36,000
And you couldn't you be more specific, Ray? Hang on, Ray, how's your hip?
456
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:39,000
Did you bring your van? Yes.
457
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:42,000
Could I have my parcel? All my presents!
458
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:45,000
Well, it's against protocol, but, uh...
459
00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:49,000
Well, it'd be a pleasure. Ah, lovely Ray.
460
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,000
THEY SQUEAL
461
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:57,000
Oh, isn't this lovely! TOY: Ho, ho, ho!
462
00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:59,000
ALL: Such fun.
463
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:02,000
Come on, everybody.
464
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,000
It's gorgeous, thank you.
465
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:09,000
Merry Christmas. Happy Christmas.
466
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,000
What a lovely ending.
467
00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:20,000
# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas
468
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:24,000
# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy new year
469
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:27,000
# Good tidings we bring
470
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:29,000
# To you and your king
471
00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:32,000
# We wish you a merry Christmas
472
00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:34,000
# And a happy new year.
473
00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:40,000
# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas
474
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:42,000
# We wish you a merry Christmas
475
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:44,000
# And a happy new year
476
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:47,000
# Good tidings we bring
477
00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:50,000
# To you and your king
478
00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:52,000
# We wish you a merry Christmas
479
00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:59,000
# And a happy new year! #
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