All language subtitles for Miranda S02E06 The Perfect Christmas 720p WEB-DL H265 BONE

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:05,000 Festive greetings all round. I'm getting into the spirit this year. 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:09,000 It'll be hard cos I'll be at my parents', where for three days they 3 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:13,000 will find things "fun" that aren't "fun" at any other time of the year, 4 00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:17,000 and we'll be bound by Mum's Christmas organisational chart. 5 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:19,000 Happy face! 6 00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:21,000 Darling, your father's here... 7 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:24,000 Ha-ha-ha! 8 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:26,000 Look, my fun tinsel tie. 9 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:28,000 Isn't that such fun? 10 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:32,000 Hang on, let me turn on my fun Christmas socks. 11 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:35,000 TINNY MUSIC 12 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,000 Kill me. 13 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:43,000 I wish I could stay at home. That might sound depressing, 14 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:46,000 but I've never denied how much fun I have living alone. 15 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:58,000 But there's a definite festive positive. I've made up with Gary, which is a relief for everyone. 16 00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:01,000 Everything OK? Yes, fine. Yes. 17 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:06,000 Apart from the fact that you married someone for a green card, so have potato for hair... 18 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,000 Oh, Miranda... 19 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:17,000 I've got Gary a great gift this year so he'll know I've forgiven him. Done all my shopping online. 20 00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:19,000 Delivery will arrive today. Genius. 21 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:23,000 Right, on with the merriment my chums. Cue festive titles. 22 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:38,000 # Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la la la la 23 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:42,000 # 'Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la... # 24 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:44,000 Happy Christmas Eve eve. 25 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:45,000 Happy Christmas Eve eve. Ooh. 26 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:48,000 Advent calendar. Ooh, can I? 27 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:49,000 Together? 28 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:52,000 Ah. Where's the chocolate? 29 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:54,000 Where's the chocolate? 30 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:57,000 Eaten on the first day of purchase. 31 00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:02,000 Who can sit in a room day after day when there are little chocolates behind windows, not remove them, 32 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:06,000 eat them, then replace the windows like nothing ever happened? I can. 33 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:09,000 Because you're an actual and literal tiny little weirdo. 34 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:12,000 When you go to your parents', can you take my case? 35 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:15,000 Yeah. I've been thinking, I think I might try and get out of it. 36 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:18,000 # Fa la la la la la la la. # 37 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:21,000 I mean, wouldn't it be great to have Christmas exactly how we wanted it? 38 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:24,000 # Fa la la la la la la la. # 39 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:26,000 No Christmas chart, no sign reading, 40 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:31,000 "Please unwrap your presents neatly so I can iron the wrapping paper and save it for next year." 41 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:34,000 No constant weather reports from Dad. 42 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,000 No, I will have to try and get out of it. 43 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:40,000 Trouble is, Mum can pre-empt any excuse and will just talk straight over me. 44 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:44,000 Hmm, we'll be going then. Good, cos I can't wait to experience it. 45 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:48,000 Right, just going to open the shop. Oh, will you keep an eye out for my parcel? 46 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:51,000 It's all my presents. Cos I've got to nip to the doctors, cos, um, 47 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:54,000 well, have you ever had a rash on your breast? 48 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:57,000 I don't know what you're saying and I don't wish to know. Fine, OK. 49 00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:59,000 MUM AND DAD: Ho, ho, ho! 50 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:00,000 Oh, no. 51 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:02,000 Hello, poppet. Stevie... 52 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:04,000 Suitcase! 53 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:08,000 Can't think where you get your clumsiness from. 54 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:11,000 Isn't it cold outside? Freezing, isn't it? 55 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:12,000 I hope not. 56 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:17,000 Because if that snow turns to slush, we'll get black ice. 57 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:20,000 Absolute death trap. I think we ought to head back pronto. 58 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:23,000 Plus I don't want to miss You've Been Framed. 59 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:29,000 Girls, I've chosen something for you for my Best Christmas Jumper Party tonight. Oh, Mum, don't. 60 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:33,000 Listen, about Christmas, Stevie and I... So we'll get the costumes and pick you up at the restaurant later. 61 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:36,000 We were thinking... We've got pink champagne. Told you, so annoying. 62 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:40,000 No, the thing is, Mum... You'll get sozzled, we'll decorate the tree. I've got great baubles, 63 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:45,000 and you can do the fairy. Such fun, such fun. Such fun, such fun! Don't do that. Mum! Mum! 64 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:51,000 Mum! Such fun! No, the thing is...about Christmas... Such fun, such fun! Nice try, poppet. 65 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:52,000 Suitcase. Coming. 66 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:57,000 "Such fun!" 67 00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:00,000 Oh... # fffa la la la la la la la # off. 68 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,000 KNOCKING 69 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:04,000 Come in, sit down. 70 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,000 Wowzers. 71 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,000 Sorry? Nothing. 72 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:18,000 So, how can I help? Are you married? Shush. 73 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:21,000 Sorry, I actually thought I was getting a female doctor. 74 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,000 Ah, they said Doctor Gail. That's my surname. 75 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:26,000 Miranda Gail. Hmm? 76 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:26,000 What? 77 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,000 What? Sorry? Nothing. 78 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:32,000 So, are you happy with me? 79 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,000 Very. 80 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:39,000 Yes, it's just I'm actually here about a female part... but, um, it's all just anatomical to you, right? 81 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:42,000 Of course, of course, don't worry. So what's the problem? 82 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:46,000 Well, it's not really a problem, more of a feature. 83 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:51,000 You see, it's my right breast. 84 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,000 I've got a sort of rash on it, 85 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:58,000 and because the rash was on my breast I thought I better get it checked, you see. 86 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:00,000 No problem. Let's have a look. 87 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,000 Sure. 88 00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,000 SHE WHISTLES 89 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:12,000 Well, I don't think that's anything to worry about. 90 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:16,000 Sorry. 91 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:28,000 Now, did you eat anything unusual and then notice it? Do you have any nut allergies? 92 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:31,000 I haven't been rubbing peanuts on my breasts. 93 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,000 I wasn't thinking... 94 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:39,000 Saying "I haven't rubbed peanuts on my breasts" sounds like I've rubbed peanuts on my breasts! 95 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:44,000 Well, if it doesn't settle down in a couple of days, or gets worse, come and see me again. 96 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,000 Great, OK, thank you so much, Doctor. 97 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:52,000 I'm sorry, just FYI, the other breast, completely normal. 98 00:05:52,000 --> 00:06:00,000 A right bobby dazzler. 99 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:07,000 Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie! Has my parcel arrived? 100 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:10,000 A depot card? "We tried to deliver, but you were out." 101 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:13,000 This is the smuggest piece of paper in the world. 102 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,000 Sorry, I had to close the shop for ten minutes just to clear customers. 103 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,000 I'm very hot and anxious, actually. 104 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:19,000 I'm like a mouse in a microwave. 105 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:24,000 Can you just get a grip, please, actually, because a depot card! All my presents. So annoying. 106 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,000 Hang on, they'll re-deliver Christmas Eve. 107 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:29,000 In your face. Nice. 108 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:38,000 RECORDED FEMALE VOICE: 'Welcome to UPD delivery. 109 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,000 'If you would like to arrange redelivery, press 1. 110 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:45,000 'Please state when you would like the package redelivered.' 111 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:48,000 Tuesday. 'Did you say...' 112 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:50,000 MAN'S VOICE: 'Monday?' No, who are you? 113 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:53,000 'I'm sorry, we couldn't identify.' 114 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,000 Tuesday. 115 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,000 'I'm sorry. Did you say... 116 00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,000 'Thursday?' 117 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:02,000 Tuesday. 118 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:05,000 Tuesday. 119 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:08,000 I mean, I literally can't make it any clearer. 120 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:11,000 Tuesday. You've gone too posh now. 121 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:14,000 'When would you like the package redelivered?' Toosday, innit? 122 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,000 'Did you say... Tuesday?' 123 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:21,000 Yes. 'Please confirm, did you say... 124 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:28,000 'Tuesday.' YE-ES. If it can't understand that, what is the point?! Putting you through to an operator. 125 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:33,000 WOMAN: 'Hello, UPD Delivery, can I help you?' 126 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:36,000 Yes, hello, I've been put through, but I was doing voice recognition. 127 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:41,000 'Yes, that's all fine, your parcel will be delivered tomorrow between 8am and 7pm.' 128 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:43,000 And you can't specify a time? 129 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,000 'I'm afraid we can only give you a time...' 130 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:49,000 (MIMICKING) We can only give you a period of 8am to 7pm. OK, thank you! 131 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:52,000 Do you think they get trained in those phone voices? 132 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:56,000 Why is it you never meet anyone in real life who speaks like that? You always hear it at spas, don't you? 133 00:07:56,000 --> 00:08:01,000 NASAL VOICE: Yeah. "So, you're here for a day package..." "Would you like any treatments?" 134 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:05,000 Imagine living with a voice like that. 'My husband doesn't mind.' 135 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:08,000 Oh, still there! 136 00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:11,000 Mmm, I have missed your baking. 137 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,000 Right, and me? Have you missed me? 138 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:15,000 Er, nope, mainly been the cakes. 139 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,000 Of course I've missed you. 140 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:19,000 Come here. 141 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,000 Oh, are you two... 142 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:25,000 Just friends. Now listen, what time are your Mum and Dad coming to pick you up? 143 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:28,000 Any minute now. Tilly's in Mauritius, you're at yours, it's not fair. 144 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,000 I'm giving it one more shot to get out of it. 145 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:34,000 I can't face being irrationally irritated for three days. 146 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,000 Two-week bumper Radio Times. 147 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,000 Feel the heft of telly heaven. 148 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:42,000 What day is it? One never knows at Christmas. Thursday, I think. 149 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,000 Ah, but which Thursday? 150 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:48,000 It says Christmas Day at the top! 23rd, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day! 151 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:51,000 How clever of it. We have the same conversation every year! 152 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,000 "Feel the heft of telly heaven." "Which day is it?" 153 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,000 "One never knows at Christmas." "Which week?" It says Christmas Day! 154 00:08:56,000 --> 00:09:00,000 And tonight at the jumper party I'll be surrounded by Mum's crazy posh friends. 155 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:04,000 Last year I heard one of them say, "I take a rubber band to parties, 156 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:07,000 "slip it round my glass, I'll easily spot it on a crowded table." 157 00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:09,000 SILLY LAUGH 158 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:13,000 So annoying. And Mum'll be at her worst. Come on, she's not that bad. 159 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:17,000 # Dashing through the snow In a one-horse open sleigh 160 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:19,000 # O'er the fields we go 161 00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:21,000 # Laughing all the way! 162 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,000 # Jingle bells, jingle... # 163 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,000 Isn't it thrilly bots? 164 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:27,000 Come on, Charles. 165 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:36,000 I haven't got excited yet, 166 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:40,000 but I'm sure it will hit me any moment. 167 00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:42,000 Darling, we ought to be getting back, 168 00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:48,000 because if the car temperature gauge is right, then that drizzle will turn to black ice. 169 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,000 Absolute death trap. Coat stand. 170 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:59,000 Mum, wait, listen. About Christmas, I've been thinking it's time I spent Christmas... Darling, darling... 171 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:03,000 I have been slaving for weeks on the Christmas chart. 172 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:08,000 I've bought enough food to last until January 19th because your father thinks we might get snowed in. 173 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:12,000 I haven't done that kind of panic-buy since Labour won the election in '97. 174 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:16,000 As of yesterday, the chart includes the perfect Boxing Day ramble, 175 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:21,000 and a root vegetable appendix section so, should I die, you'll know how to make parsnip soup. 176 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:26,000 (SOBBING) You don't realise what I do for this family. 177 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,000 OK, OK. Quick chop, then. 178 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,000 Wait, are you going out like that? No. 179 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,000 Yes! 180 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:37,000 Look - Velcro magic. Might try that on your father later. 181 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:38,000 Eugh! 182 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,000 Steady boy, steady. 183 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:44,000 # Dashing through the snow... # 184 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:48,000 Help me! Miranda! Coming! Bye. 185 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,000 Good luck. 186 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:53,000 Caroline has the spare, she'll be sharing with Minty. 187 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:56,000 Beaky's taking the fold down, and Louise wants the coach house, 188 00:10:56,000 --> 00:11:00,000 which didn't suit Minty, who likes Freddie away from Caroline. 189 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:02,000 Well, you'll need another drink then. 190 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:05,000 Which one's yours? Oh. 191 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,000 So, what are your sleeping arrangements this year? 192 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:14,000 Well, Stevie's staying in the spare room, and as usual, Miranda's on the shelf. 193 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:17,000 Such fun! 194 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:21,000 I can't cope with this. Oh, hi, Dad. Hello, darling. 195 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:26,000 I have just been watching The Planet's Funniest Animals. 196 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:31,000 Hilarious. Now, this planet has some very funny animals. 197 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:36,000 And I'm privileged to have seen the absolute funniest. 198 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:40,000 Jennifer, you remember Miranda and her friend Stevie. 199 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,000 Of course. Nibble? 200 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:45,000 Ah, Jennifer, now, did you drive? 201 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:49,000 Yes. Well, you be very careful, 202 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:53,000 because if that slush freezes, 203 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:56,000 it will turn to... Black ice. 204 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:59,000 Absolute... Death trap. 205 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:03,000 Oh, Miranda, doesn't your mother have wonderful nibbles? 206 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:06,000 Not a euphemism, I hope. 207 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:11,000 You see, no wonder she's single. Talking of which, I must see if the hunk I invited has arrived. 208 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:14,000 Oh, no. Right, that is it. 209 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:17,000 I'm giving her three strikes and we're out of here. Seriously. 210 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,000 Oh, this'll help ease the pain. 211 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:21,000 We can't start it. 212 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,000 Remove top, remove icing! She'll never know. 213 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,000 Oh, yes, there he is. Miranda... 214 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:38,000 What are you doing? Red-labelled food items are for the big day only. 215 00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:42,000 Oh! Lord, I've forgotten to marzipan my cake. 216 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:46,000 Someone hasn't done a Christmas chart. 217 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,000 I presume the nuts are all right to eat, are they? 218 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,000 Now look, darling, I've spied the man I want you to meet. 219 00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:55,000 Come on, shoulders back, chest out, backside in the next room. 220 00:12:56,000 --> 00:13:01,000 Miranda, Miranda, let me introduce you to... Doctor Gail. 221 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,000 Strike one. 222 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:05,000 Hello. Hello. I'll leave you to it. 223 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:15,000 Hello, sorry. 224 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:20,000 Well, this is a bit weird, isn't it? Do we have to pretend like this morning never happened? 225 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,000 It's a bit like we're having an affair. 226 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:25,000 We could have an affair. 227 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,000 Miranda, have you... 228 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,000 Ooh, hello. 229 00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:33,000 Enchante. Je suis Stevie. 230 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:36,000 Bonsoir Stevie, joyeux Noelle and bonne annee. 231 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:39,000 Oui. 232 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:44,000 So, are you new to the area? Yes, I just moved here a couple of months ago from London. 233 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:46,000 In your TARDIS, Doctor? 234 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:50,000 SHE GIGGLES 235 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:54,000 Because you're a doctor, so I said your TARDIS... 236 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,000 GIGGLES 237 00:13:56,000 --> 00:14:00,000 Do you see? Cos you're a doctor! Cos you're a doctor! 238 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:02,000 Why don't you just stop? I would've if I could've. 239 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:06,000 Is that a peanut in your breasts? No. Get off! 240 00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,000 Now look what you've done. 241 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:12,000 I was about to switch on the allure and he would've come to mama. 242 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:17,000 Everybody, can I have your attention? Thank you. 243 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:21,000 It's time to announce the winner of the best Christmas jumper competition. 244 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:25,000 And, for the fourth year running, it's Robert. 245 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:36,000 Ah, yes, darling, actually, while you're there, why don't you give us a song? 246 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:39,000 Strike two. Oh, no, darling, I couldn't possibly. 247 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:40,000 GUESTS BEG 248 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,000 No, no, that is not what this... 249 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:44,000 Oh, all right, then. 250 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:52,000 # Good King Wenceslas looked out 251 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:55,000 # On the feast of Stephen 252 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,000 # There's Miranda laying about 253 00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:02,000 # On the feast of Stephen 254 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,000 # Stuffing all the food she can 255 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:09,000 # From the feast of Stephen 256 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,000 # I won't take her for my wife 257 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:17,000 # Nor will I, said Ste-e-phen. # 258 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,000 # Strike three! # Right, that's it. We're out of here. 259 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:23,000 No, no, darling! Miranda... 260 00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:27,000 Hi, listen, we escaped. Well done. 261 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:30,000 Well, our Christmas Day booking just cancelled. 262 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:33,000 Really? Well, actually, hang on, that's a good thing. 263 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:37,000 Hello? The four of us, at mine, a non-family Christmas? 264 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:40,000 No getting up early for church. No overcooked turkey. 265 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:43,000 No naked hide-and-seek. 266 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:48,000 Wow. OK. So, shall we do it? The perfect Christmas, at mine? Let's do it. 267 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:51,000 Yay! Brilliant, OK. And I've got great gifts arriving tomorrow. 268 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:55,000 Oh, you're notoriously bad at gifts. Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it. 269 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:58,000 Hi, tout le monde peepsicles. 270 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,000 Hi, Tilly, what are you doing here? 271 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:03,000 Oh, I decided not to go to Mauritius. 272 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:10,000 The parentals went but they asked Rups along, and so I thought negativos to that holibob. 273 00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:14,000 Sorry, your ex-fiance has gone on "holibobs" with your parents? 274 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,000 Yup. Which is totally fine. 275 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:19,000 I'll just have a really quiet one. 276 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:22,000 Which is totally fine. 277 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,000 Could I get a massive Pinot? 278 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,000 Oh, bear with... Bear with... 279 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:32,000 Bear with. 280 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,000 Oh, they've landed safely. 281 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:40,000 And they're already on the beach. That's good. 282 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,000 Totally fine. 283 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:43,000 Spiffulent. 284 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:46,000 LAUGHS 285 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:55,000 Tears of joy, seriously, tears of joy. 286 00:16:56,000 --> 00:17:01,000 Listen, Tilly, we're having Christmas at mine, just the four of us. Do you want to join? 287 00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:03,000 No, as I said, Kong, totally fine. 288 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:08,000 Yes, Kong, yes, I do. 289 00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:10,000 Oh, ace-icles. 290 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:13,000 Oh, OK. Great, right. 291 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:17,000 Well, tomorrow night, Christmas Eve sleepover, and let the festivities begin. I'm so excited... 292 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,000 # And I just can't hide it 293 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:24,000 # I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I want you, I want you. # 294 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:28,000 Isn't this jolly? I want you. OK... 295 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:32,000 "I'm sorry we can only specify 8am to 7pm for your delivery." 296 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:37,000 Mind you, I'd rather sit in for 11 hours than deal with Christmas Eve shopping hell. Enjoy. 297 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:41,000 Now, are you sure you're going to be OK, yes? You will make Heather proud? 298 00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:43,000 # What have you done today? # 299 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:48,000 # Today! # Heather, I will have looked after the shop. I'll be fine. We're not busy. 300 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,000 We're not open yet. 301 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:55,000 Bye. 302 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:03,000 Ooh, my goodness. OK, hello, everybody. 303 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:07,000 Anyone from UPD delivery? No? OK, carry on. Would you like that gift wrapped? 304 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,000 Yes, please. You would. OK. 305 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,000 Really bad at gift wrapping. 306 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:27,000 Right, that's 14.99. Thank you, madam. Would you like that, um, gift wrapped? 307 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,000 You would? OK, right. 308 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:35,000 Oh, hang on, hang on, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, sir. 309 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:38,000 Are you from UPD delivery? No. You're not. OK, fine, as you were. 310 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:43,000 There you go, thank you. Next. 311 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:47,000 Excuse me, excuse me. Are you from UPD delivery? Oh, no, it's you, sorry, you were leaving. So sorry. 312 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,000 Getting in to a bit of a state! 313 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:54,000 Just have it, please. Have it. Take it. Next. Go. Thank you. 314 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,000 Are you from UPD... No, that's you leaving. Fine. 315 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,000 Are you from UPD? 316 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:00,000 No, browse, browse. 317 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:04,000 I thought you were UPD. You can't leave, carol singers. 318 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,000 I need to leave. Well, you can't. 319 00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,000 Sorry, get down, get down. Hide. 320 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:10,000 Carol singers. Where are you going? 321 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,000 I said you can't leave. 322 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:15,000 Carol singers. We've got to hide. Get down. 323 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:19,000 I will not have my perfect Christmas ruined by standing awkwardly in front of a group of people 324 00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:22,000 whose singing ability is inversely proportional to their enthusiasm. 325 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,000 OK, shush, stay there. 326 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:30,000 I said get down! Shush. 327 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,000 KNOCKING 328 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:33,000 SINGING IN DISTANCE 329 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,000 No! 330 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,000 Depot card! 331 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:47,000 # Ding dong merrily on high 332 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:50,000 # In heaven the bells are ringing 333 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:53,000 # Can you see a delivery guy behind you? 334 00:19:53,000 --> 00:20:01,000 # Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-es, I can, 335 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,000 # But now he's driven off 336 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:08,000 # Yo-o-o-o-o-o-ou're a bit smug 337 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:11,000 # So this door might hit your noses 338 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:16,000 # Ple-e-e-ease can I leave, because you are scaring me? # 339 00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:21,000 Hello. 340 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:25,000 Hello. All right, Stan? Don't look so glum, I'll be out in five years. 341 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:31,000 Because it's a bit like a prison divider. No? All right. As you wish. 342 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,000 You have a parcel for me. 343 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:44,000 Yeah, your parcel's not here. It takes 24 hours for the packages to be returned to the depot. 344 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,000 24 hours? Where does it...? 345 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:54,000 Where does it say that? It doesn't say that. Where does it say that? It says it there. 346 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:58,000 OK, fine. Could you please just check in case it's come back? 347 00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:04,000 Next. Oh, now, come on, it's all my presents, Ray. 348 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:07,000 I've got a gift for Gary, and he doesn't believe I've got presents! 349 00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:10,000 I know you don't know him, Ray, but that's not the point, is it? 350 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:13,000 Ooh, hasn't he got a lovely package? 351 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,000 How is that not funny, Ray? 352 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:19,000 It's a classic. 353 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:22,000 Sorry to rant. I'm just a little overexcited. 354 00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:26,000 I'm spending Christmas with friends for the first time. I bet you've got lovely plans? 355 00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:28,000 No, I'm on my own, my wife just left me. 356 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:30,000 Sorry. 357 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:35,000 Did she leave a card so you can collect her later? 358 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:39,000 Now, is the van likely to come back? 359 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:44,000 Yeah, the driver will be coming back cos it's my van, I was off work this morning, my hip... 360 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:49,000 Can I stop you there, Ray? And I'll tell you for why - I'm not interested. 361 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:52,000 Thank you. Now, can I wait for the van? 362 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,000 No, we're closing now. I'm closing. Goodbye. 363 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:59,000 No, Ray, that's not fair, it's Christmas. Can you actually... Get out, get out of there! 364 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,000 X Factor. 365 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:04,000 Conveyor belt of some kind. 366 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:10,000 No dancing prayer? No dancing prayer?! What's that? 367 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:15,000 Hey guys, when Stevie went to the loo, we had a look at her charade card. 368 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,000 'No Sex Please, We're British'. 369 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,000 We put it back and made a pact never to guess it. 370 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:24,000 It's very funny, and taking my mind off the depot debacle. 371 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:27,000 Oh, I know, I know, I know. 372 00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,000 What's the second word again? 373 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,000 Pumping? Drilling? 374 00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:34,000 Ski Sunday. 375 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:38,000 Dancercise. Hula hoop. 376 00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:39,000 Hula hula hoop! 377 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:43,000 Titanic! 378 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:46,000 Have you really got no idea? 379 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:51,000 ALL: Er...No Sex Please, We're British! 380 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:54,000 That's hilarious. 381 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:58,000 That is quite hilarious, isn't it? 382 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:01,000 Right, is it time to wend our way to the kingdom of Beddybyes? 383 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,000 So, I have made up my room in to a guest room 384 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:07,000 with a futon on floor, and someone can share the sofa bed with me. Bagsy not me! 385 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,000 Why? Wind. Good luck, Gary. 386 00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:16,000 Just go and brush my teeth. 387 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:18,000 OK, sure. 388 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:23,000 I know we're just friends, but it's so awkward sharing a bed. 389 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:26,000 Right, now, the question is, do I take my bra off? 390 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:31,000 Because then in the morning, there'll be two jellies sliding down a plate look. 391 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:34,000 That's the only trouble. No, I'd better put my bra on. 392 00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:36,000 No, but then he'll see me wearing a bra in bed and that'd look odd. 393 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:40,000 No, I'm going no bra. And let's hope when I turn over I don't do the breast clap. 394 00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:45,000 Right. OK, now.... Ooh! Morning breath. 395 00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:48,000 Should I set an alarm at five and suck a mint? Maybe. 396 00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:51,000 What happens if my pyjamas ride up...or down, cos they do that. 397 00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:55,000 Right, stop panicking, take bra off and act casual. 398 00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:07,000 Hello. Hi. 399 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:08,000 Wow. 400 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,000 So, um, 401 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:14,000 are you going to budge up? 402 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,000 I like being on the left. 403 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:17,000 Right, OK. 404 00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:32,000 Ooh... Cold bed dance? Yep. 405 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:36,000 That's better. 406 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:41,000 This is going to be a great Christmas. And you know what? 407 00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:46,000 Don't worry about a present, because I have the best present I could have - I've got my friend back. 408 00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,000 Ah, really? 409 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,000 No! Where's my present, you bitch? 410 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,000 Night. Night. 411 00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:02,000 BREAST CLAP 412 00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:06,000 What was that? 413 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:09,000 It was a duck quacking. 414 00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,000 A duck? Quacking, yeah. 415 00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:19,000 Hey, happy Christmas! So who wants breakfast? 416 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:24,000 I might have a mince pie for breakfast. Why not? I'm going to save mine for the Queen's speech. 417 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:26,000 I might have mine instead of Xmas pudulant. 418 00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:29,000 We can do exactly what we want. Oh, do we have to wear a hat? 419 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:33,000 No, you don't have to wear a hat. But also, you could wear a hat. 420 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:36,000 Welcome to Miranda-mas! 421 00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:40,000 THEY HUM: "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday" 422 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:42,000 This is so great, I just love it! 423 00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:49,000 This is going to be the perfect Christmas. 424 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:50,000 Release! 425 00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:54,000 Gary, what are you doing? You're ruining the turkey. 426 00:25:54,000 --> 00:26:00,000 You said you had a fan oven! If I don't cut it up, it won't cook! I need it on Chanel number four now! 427 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:03,000 Tilly, you're very selfish! I'm not a chef, am I? Obviously! 428 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:08,000 Can you keep it down, please?! Miranda, Clive just pulled my cracker! 429 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:11,000 Well, I am sure he didn't mean to. I did mean to. Clive Evans! 430 00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:14,000 I'll pull my own cracker. I bet you're used to that. 431 00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:16,000 Stevie Sutton! That's unacceptable. 432 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:19,000 Honestly. Gary, this is hopeless. 433 00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:21,000 Stevie wants to eat at three, when Clive wants a walk, 434 00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:24,000 everyone wants crackers at different times. Well, plan. Make a chart. 435 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:29,000 Don't! We might as well be at Mum's. Oh, yeah? And what's Christmas day like at your Mum's? Really good. 436 00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:31,000 Stevie! 437 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:39,000 This isn't working, is it? No. Don't tell the others. Let's go to Mum's. Yes. 438 00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:44,000 What's going on? Shhh. Don't tell the others, we're going to go to Mum's. Right, OK. 439 00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:48,000 What's happening? Shush, don't tell the others, we're going to go to Mum's. 440 00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:53,000 What are you doing? Shush. Don't tell the others, we're going to Mum's. 441 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:56,000 Why am I whispering? This is all of us. 442 00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:58,000 Let's go. 443 00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:03,000 O-o-o-o-o-h! 444 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:04,000 Oh! 445 00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:06,000 MUM: Right, 446 00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:10,000 Mr Turkey will be ready in half an hour. 447 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:15,000 Are you sure you've got enough for us all, Pen Pen? Of course! I knew Miranda would be back. 448 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:17,000 I have the perfect Christmas. 449 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:18,000 DOORBELL 450 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:21,000 Oh, oh. Lonely straggler alert. 451 00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:23,000 Everybody, this is Ray, 452 00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:26,000 Oh, no. Used to be our postman. 453 00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:28,000 Hello, Ray. Hello. 454 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:32,000 Hope I'm not too late. Not at all, you said you'd be here between three and four. 455 00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:36,000 And you couldn't you be more specific, Ray? Hang on, Ray, how's your hip? 456 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:39,000 Did you bring your van? Yes. 457 00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:42,000 Could I have my parcel? All my presents! 458 00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:45,000 Well, it's against protocol, but, uh... 459 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:49,000 Well, it'd be a pleasure. Ah, lovely Ray. 460 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,000 THEY SQUEAL 461 00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:57,000 Oh, isn't this lovely! TOY: Ho, ho, ho! 462 00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:59,000 ALL: Such fun. 463 00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:02,000 Come on, everybody. 464 00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,000 It's gorgeous, thank you. 465 00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:09,000 Merry Christmas. Happy Christmas. 466 00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,000 What a lovely ending. 467 00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:20,000 # We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas 468 00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:24,000 # We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy new year 469 00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:27,000 # Good tidings we bring 470 00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:29,000 # To you and your king 471 00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:32,000 # We wish you a merry Christmas 472 00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:34,000 # And a happy new year. 473 00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:40,000 # We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas 474 00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:42,000 # We wish you a merry Christmas 475 00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:44,000 # And a happy new year 476 00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:47,000 # Good tidings we bring 477 00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:50,000 # To you and your king 478 00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:52,000 # We wish you a merry Christmas 479 00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:59,000 # And a happy new year! # 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net 37687

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