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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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♪
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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>> ANNOUNCER: Okay, fellas,
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welcome your next dancer to the
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stage.
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She'’s 876-530-FINE.
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Let'’s hear it for Jenny.
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Let'’s hear it for Jenny.
♪
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♪
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♪
[squeaking]
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[squeaking]
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[squeaking]
♪
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♪
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♪
[clang]
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[clang]
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[clang]
[pop]
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[pop]
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[pop]
[beeping]
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[beeping]
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[beeping]
>> JENNY MCCARTHY: Ow! Fuck!
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>> JENNY MCCARTHY: Ow! Fuck!
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>> ANNOUNCER: Ladies and
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gentlemen, give it up for the
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creator of Dirty Sexy Funny,
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the woman that puts the word
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"ho" into hosting...
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Jenny...
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McCarthy!
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>> JENNY: Come on, this is my
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first comedy special, yo.
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I need to hear you fucking
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scream!
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[crowd cheering]
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Thank you!
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♪
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Welcome to Dirty Sexy Funny.
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I'’m your host Jenny McCarthy.
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[crowd cheering]
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Thank you.
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Let me get some camel toe going
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for you.
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Hold on.
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You know, so many people have
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come up to me and said, "Oh, my
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God, Jenny, I can'’t believe
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you'’re doing standup."
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And I'’m like, "Oh, my God, I'm
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totally fucking not."
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I have, like, three knock-knock
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jokes and that'’s about it.
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But... I do love me some raw
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dirty comedy.
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Do you guys?
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[crowd cheering]
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Well, tonight I brought with me
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the dirtiest, the sexiest,
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funniest bitches I could find.
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Literally, it took me, like, two
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years to find these babes, and,
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I promise you, they are all as
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perverted and sick as I am.
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[crowd cheering]
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I mean, they can'’t push
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Ping-Pong balls out of their
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pussy like me.
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All right, our funny lady coming
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out right now studied theater,
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film and television at the
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University of Colorado at
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Denver.
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She took classes at the
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Groundlings and at Upright
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Citizens Brigade before she
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realized, "Wow, that was a
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complete fucking waste of time."
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Give it up to Justine Marino!
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Give it up to Justine Marino!
♪
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♪
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[crowd cheering]
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[crowd cheering]
♪
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♪
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>> JUSTINE MARINO: Wow, what'’s
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up?
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Guys, Vegas.
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How'’s it going? [groans]
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Are you guys on a date?
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Oh, you haven'’t talked about it
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yet.
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I love this.
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It just got real awkward.
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I'’m usually like you-- I never
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know if I'’m on a date.
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I never know what to wear, which
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is why I usually just throw on a
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wedding dress and hope for the
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best.
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I'’m single. I see... I feel like
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you guys, some of you are
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single.
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You made a lot of noise in the
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beginning there.
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We do that in public as single
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ladies.
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Like, we make a lot of fucking
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noise.
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Like, we make everyone think
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that we'’re very okay with being
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alone in public.
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We'’re like, "Yeah, fuck men.
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I don'’t need no man.
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I'’m independent.
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I listen to Beyoncé and shit."
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On the inside, we are one Adele
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song away from just losing our
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shit, folks.
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Just, like, emotional eating the
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fuck out of some guacamole.
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Or some Krispy Kreme.
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Oh, my God. I should not be
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allowed within 50 feet of a
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Krispy Kreme for any reason.
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Like, donuts should really be
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called do-nots for me '’cause
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when that... when that "Hot
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Donuts" sign comes on, that'’s
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like the Bat-Signal for me,
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folks.
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Like, I am in my car and there
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lickety-split.
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I was there last Friday night--
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'’cause I'm single-- and, um...
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I order four donuts and the
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woman'’s like, "Are you sure you
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don'’t want to make that a
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dozen?"
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And I'’m just like, "From four?
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Really?
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Like, that'’s eight additional
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donuts, ma'’am.
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That'’s literally triple my
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order, number one.
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Number two, you can see I'’m
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alone.
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It'’s Friday night.
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You hear the Celine Dion.
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Bitch, don'’t kick me when I'm
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down.
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But I will take two more
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crullers.
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Fuck it. Give me the dozen.
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Cathy, you know me.
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Just box up the ushe.
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The diet starts tomorrow."
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That'’s what we do, us girls,
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right?
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We make up all these weird
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caloric justifications in our
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head.
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Like, "Oh, yeah, I can eat this
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entire sheet cake right now.
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I'’ll just suck on ice cubes till
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the end of time."
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That or we work out like crazy
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people.
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I work out so intensely, I
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recently had a guy come up to me
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at the gym and ask me if I was
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training for an event.
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I was like, "Yeah, Cheesecake
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Factory 2014."
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I work out so intensely, I had
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an injury recently.
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I had to go to physical therapy.
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And my physical therapist was
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telling me about how I have this
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misalignment in my hips and how
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to properly get in and out of
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bed to help fix the problem.
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So she'’s like, "So, when you're
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getting into your bed, just
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scoot your significant other
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over to the other side."
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And I was like, "Whoa, whoa,
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whoa, ma'’am, um, how large do
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you think my vibrator is?
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I mean..."
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Is anyone doing a booty call
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later tonight?
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Maybe that'’s what this situation
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is here.
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[crowd whooping]
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[whoops] I love it. You guys...
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See, Vegas is into it.
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Most people are, like, afraid to
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admit that.
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Like, I'’m down with a good booty
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call.
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I love that shit.
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I love the bullshit leading up
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to the booty call.
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Right? Like, the "let'’s get
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together and watch a movie at
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4:00 in the morning."
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I find that the music that one
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plays during a booty call is
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very indicative as to how it'’s
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gonna go, you know?
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Like, if the person turns on
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Usher, this is gonna be some
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sweet lovemaking.
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It'’s gonna be very sensual and
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hot.
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But if they turn on Lil'’ Kim,
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you'’re about to get straight
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fucked, people.
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Like, this is the Queen Bee.
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She'’s not fucking around.
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Even her clean lyrics are
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filthy.
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But if they turn on, like, Sade
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or Coldplay or something of this
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nature, you need to leave
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immediately, all right?
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This is not a booty call.
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This person has an intense
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emotional connection to you.
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You need to peace the fuck out,
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guys.
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Get out of there.
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I don'’t want to brag, but I-I
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recently crushed a pregnancy
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test.
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Ladies, sweet...
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[crowd cheering]
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Yeah. Here are my whores over
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here.
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Over there, too.
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There'’s nothing like that sweet
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relief.
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Like, fuck Xanax.
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Next time I have a panic
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attack, I'’m just gonna piss on
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some e.p.t.s, guys.
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Like, I'’ll make it rain negative
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reads all over my apartment.
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My roommate will come home.
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Like, "Um, why is there piss
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everywhere?"
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"Who cares? Not pregnant.
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Let'’s go to Krispy Kreme.
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Cathy'’s working."
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I swear to God though, that shit
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came up negative so fast,
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like, I was almost insulted, you
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know?
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Like, as if to say, "Uh, bitch,
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please.
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You do not get pregnant by
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yourself at the Cheesecake
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Factory.
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Go have some unprotected sex."
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Which I would never do.
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I'’m so paranoid about getting
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pregnant.
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Like, the first time I had sex,
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I was on birth control, we used
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a condom and I still got a
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morning-after pill the next day.
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And then when I got home, I
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threw myself down the stairs.
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Just to be safe, guys.
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Another good form of birth
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control: hand jobs, ladies.
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Anyone given these?
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Raise the roof...
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for your hand job.
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Yeah, two hands. Watch out.
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Double-fisting up front.
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[clicks tongue]
281
00:08:53,586 --> 00:08:54,620
I don'’t know how to approach a
282
00:08:54,620 --> 00:08:55,655
hand job.
283
00:08:55,655 --> 00:08:56,655
Personally, it'’s probably best
284
00:08:56,655 --> 00:08:58,000
if I just give you a pat on the
285
00:08:58,000 --> 00:08:59,344
back, you know?
286
00:08:59,344 --> 00:09:00,413
'’Cause that's probably gonna be
287
00:09:00,413 --> 00:09:01,586
a more enjoyable situation for
288
00:09:01,586 --> 00:09:02,586
both of us.
289
00:09:02,586 --> 00:09:03,862
Like, my instinct, I want to
290
00:09:03,862 --> 00:09:05,034
come up from behind the guy,
291
00:09:05,034 --> 00:09:06,413
right?
292
00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:07,413
You'’re just staring at me
293
00:09:07,413 --> 00:09:08,413
blankly.
294
00:09:08,413 --> 00:09:09,758
Like, "Is this bitch for real?"
295
00:09:09,758 --> 00:09:10,931
Hear me out on this.
296
00:09:10,931 --> 00:09:12,689
Like, that feels like the best
297
00:09:12,689 --> 00:09:14,034
angle, you know?
298
00:09:14,034 --> 00:09:15,413
But if I'’m getting down with a
299
00:09:15,413 --> 00:09:16,551
guy and it'’s getting hot and
300
00:09:16,551 --> 00:09:17,551
heavy and I'’m gonna go to give
301
00:09:17,551 --> 00:09:18,931
him a hand job and I'’m like,
302
00:09:18,931 --> 00:09:20,206
"Now just turn around."
303
00:09:20,206 --> 00:09:21,206
He'’d be like, "What the fuck are
304
00:09:21,206 --> 00:09:23,068
you doing?
305
00:09:23,068 --> 00:09:24,413
Why are there donuts and
306
00:09:24,413 --> 00:09:27,724
pregnancy tests all over?
307
00:09:27,724 --> 00:09:29,827
This is very odd.
308
00:09:29,827 --> 00:09:30,827
Lil'’ Kim is playing.
309
00:09:30,827 --> 00:09:33,068
This is weird. Weird shit."
310
00:09:33,068 --> 00:09:34,482
But this just doesn'’t seem
311
00:09:34,482 --> 00:09:36,068
effective, guys, and this is
312
00:09:36,068 --> 00:09:37,827
pretty much my hand job, right?
313
00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:38,931
Like, it'’s not good.
314
00:09:38,931 --> 00:09:41,034
It'’s at a 90-degree angle.
315
00:09:41,034 --> 00:09:43,172
It looks like I'’m cooking
316
00:09:43,172 --> 00:09:45,172
It looks like I'’m cooking
something on a griddle.
317
00:09:45,172 --> 00:09:48,000
something on a griddle.
318
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,724
Or perhaps playing a
319
00:09:49,724 --> 00:09:51,586
noncompetitive game of foosball,
320
00:09:51,586 --> 00:09:52,862
you know?
321
00:09:52,862 --> 00:09:54,551
Like, not a lot at stake with
322
00:09:54,551 --> 00:09:56,413
this hand job.
323
00:09:56,413 --> 00:09:58,000
What do you even say during a
324
00:09:58,000 --> 00:09:59,206
hand job this horrific, you
325
00:09:59,206 --> 00:10:00,000
know?
326
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,379
Like, "How'’s your day?" Right?
327
00:10:01,379 --> 00:10:03,000
"Was Todd at work today?
328
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,000
You love when Todd'’s there.
329
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,241
You guys have lunch together?"
330
00:10:05,241 --> 00:10:06,241
Like, just very conversational
331
00:10:06,241 --> 00:10:08,241
mundane shit.
332
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:09,310
That or do I have, like, a weird
333
00:10:09,310 --> 00:10:10,586
stare-down with the guy?
334
00:10:10,586 --> 00:10:12,758
Just like...
335
00:10:12,758 --> 00:10:14,206
"I am not blinking till you
336
00:10:14,206 --> 00:10:16,344
come, motherfucker.
337
00:10:16,344 --> 00:10:17,379
We'’re gonna be here a long
338
00:10:17,379 --> 00:10:19,379
time."
339
00:10:19,379 --> 00:10:21,517
That or I'’d love to one day get
340
00:10:21,517 --> 00:10:23,068
super creative and do, like, the
341
00:10:23,068 --> 00:10:24,068
opening bars from the film The
342
00:10:24,068 --> 00:10:25,068
Lion King.
343
00:10:25,068 --> 00:10:26,068
Just like...
344
00:10:26,068 --> 00:10:27,206
[singing gibberish to the tune
345
00:10:27,206 --> 00:10:29,206
[singing gibberish to the tune
of "The Circle of Life"]
346
00:10:29,206 --> 00:10:33,827
of "The Circle of Life"]
347
00:10:33,827 --> 00:10:35,482
Whatever the fuck they say.
348
00:10:35,482 --> 00:10:36,482
What are they saying?
349
00:10:36,482 --> 00:10:38,965
No one knows.
350
00:10:38,965 --> 00:10:40,413
I feel like weird shit gets said
351
00:10:40,413 --> 00:10:42,344
in the bedroom.
352
00:10:42,344 --> 00:10:44,068
By far, my favorite: "I'’m gonna
353
00:10:44,068 --> 00:10:47,068
fuck the shit out of you."
354
00:10:47,068 --> 00:10:48,620
"I'’m sorry, what?
355
00:10:48,620 --> 00:10:50,241
You'’re gonna fuck me to the
356
00:10:50,241 --> 00:10:52,137
point of defecation?
357
00:10:52,137 --> 00:10:53,655
I don'’t know that I'm okay with
358
00:10:53,655 --> 00:10:54,862
this.
359
00:10:54,862 --> 00:10:57,000
How '’bout a hand job, huh?"
360
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,551
[singing gibberish]
361
00:10:59,551 --> 00:11:00,689
You guys have been a lot of fun.
362
00:11:00,689 --> 00:11:01,758
Thank you so much.
363
00:11:01,758 --> 00:11:02,862
[crowd cheering]
364
00:11:02,862 --> 00:11:04,862
[crowd cheering]
♪
365
00:11:04,862 --> 00:11:07,275
♪
366
00:11:07,275 --> 00:11:08,620
>> JENNY: She'’s so cute.
367
00:11:08,620 --> 00:11:10,172
Thanks, girl.
368
00:11:10,172 --> 00:11:11,862
So spunky with all that energy.
369
00:11:11,862 --> 00:11:12,862
Probably '’cause she doesn't
370
00:11:12,862 --> 00:11:13,862
have any kids.
371
00:11:13,862 --> 00:11:14,862
Do you guys have any kids out
372
00:11:14,862 --> 00:11:15,862
there?
373
00:11:15,862 --> 00:11:17,379
[crowd cheering]
374
00:11:17,379 --> 00:11:18,655
And do you ever want to just
375
00:11:18,655 --> 00:11:20,896
punch '’em in the face sometimes?
376
00:11:20,896 --> 00:11:22,448
I know, I'’m really kind of hard
377
00:11:22,448 --> 00:11:24,379
on myself because I know-- I'’ve
378
00:11:24,379 --> 00:11:25,793
accepted it-- that I'’m not a
379
00:11:25,793 --> 00:11:28,586
very good role model for my son.
380
00:11:28,586 --> 00:11:31,931
But I figured out a loophole.
381
00:11:31,931 --> 00:11:33,620
I just lie to him.
382
00:11:33,620 --> 00:11:35,620
I just lie to him.
Like this.
383
00:11:35,620 --> 00:11:41,000
Like this.
384
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:44,000
[knocking]
385
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:45,275
What?
386
00:11:45,275 --> 00:11:47,793
>> BOY: What are you doing?
387
00:11:47,793 --> 00:11:49,137
>> JENNY: Nothing!
388
00:11:49,137 --> 00:11:51,551
>> BOY: I smell smoke.
389
00:11:51,551 --> 00:11:53,172
>> JENNY: I don'’t!
390
00:11:53,172 --> 00:11:55,172
>> JENNY: I don'’t!
>> BOY: I do!
391
00:11:55,172 --> 00:11:59,724
>> BOY: I do!
392
00:11:59,724 --> 00:12:01,068
Maybe the house is on fire.
393
00:12:01,068 --> 00:12:02,275
>> BOY: Yeah, right.
394
00:12:02,275 --> 00:12:03,275
[vibrator buzzing]
395
00:12:03,275 --> 00:12:04,310
[knocking]
396
00:12:04,310 --> 00:12:05,448
>> BOY: Hey, Mom, what are you
397
00:12:05,448 --> 00:12:06,448
doing?
398
00:12:06,448 --> 00:12:08,482
I need some chicken nuggets.
399
00:12:08,482 --> 00:12:10,620
>> JENNY: Uh... I'’m just, uh,
400
00:12:10,620 --> 00:12:13,310
vacuuming... some, uh,
401
00:12:13,310 --> 00:12:14,724
dirty stuff here.
402
00:12:14,724 --> 00:12:16,275
>> BOY: But the vacuum is out
403
00:12:16,275 --> 00:12:17,724
here.
404
00:12:17,724 --> 00:12:20,482
>> JENNY: Um, just blowing.
405
00:12:20,482 --> 00:12:22,862
It'’s a... it's a leaf blower.
406
00:12:22,862 --> 00:12:24,413
>> BOY: Inside?
407
00:12:24,413 --> 00:12:25,689
>> JENNY: No. [gasps]
408
00:12:25,689 --> 00:12:26,724
I'’m not all the way inside.
409
00:12:26,724 --> 00:12:27,724
[sharp breathing]
410
00:12:27,724 --> 00:12:28,965
>> BOY: Why is the door locked?
411
00:12:28,965 --> 00:12:30,103
I don'’t believe you.
412
00:12:30,103 --> 00:12:32,206
>> JENNY: Uh, I'’m, uh, I'm...
413
00:12:32,206 --> 00:12:33,275
I'’ll be out in a second, I'm
414
00:12:33,275 --> 00:12:34,275
just blow-drying.
415
00:12:34,275 --> 00:12:35,241
[whispers]: Oh, just one more
416
00:12:35,241 --> 00:12:36,275
minute.
417
00:12:36,275 --> 00:12:38,896
[gasping]
418
00:12:38,896 --> 00:12:40,896
>> BOY: Are you texting?
419
00:12:40,896 --> 00:12:41,896
>> JENNY: What?
420
00:12:41,896 --> 00:12:42,931
>> BOY: Are you texting?
421
00:12:42,931 --> 00:12:43,931
>> JENNY: No.
422
00:12:43,931 --> 00:12:44,931
>> BOY: Yes, you are.
423
00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:45,931
>> JENNY: No, I'’m not.
424
00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:47,034
>> BOY: Yes, you are.
425
00:12:47,034 --> 00:12:48,034
>> JENNY: I'’m not on my phone.
426
00:12:48,034 --> 00:12:49,344
>> BOY: Yes, you are.
427
00:12:49,344 --> 00:12:50,448
>> JENNY: No, I'’m not.
428
00:12:50,448 --> 00:12:51,448
>> BOY: Who are you texting?!
429
00:12:51,448 --> 00:12:52,448
You switched hands!
430
00:12:52,448 --> 00:12:53,448
>> JENNY: I don'’t know what
431
00:12:53,448 --> 00:12:54,448
you'’re talking about, I'm not
432
00:12:54,448 --> 00:12:55,241
texting!
433
00:12:55,241 --> 00:12:56,586
[car horns blaring]
434
00:12:56,586 --> 00:12:58,206
[Jenny screams]
435
00:12:58,206 --> 00:12:59,517
>> BOY: Wow, you'’re texting
436
00:12:59,517 --> 00:13:00,793
still!
437
00:13:00,793 --> 00:13:01,862
>> JENNY: No, I'’m not.
438
00:13:01,862 --> 00:13:04,103
[crowd cheering]
439
00:13:04,103 --> 00:13:05,137
[phone chimes]
440
00:13:05,137 --> 00:13:06,172
Hold on one second.
441
00:13:06,172 --> 00:13:07,517
[phone chimes]
442
00:13:07,517 --> 00:13:09,241
Okay, our next comedian defied
443
00:13:09,241 --> 00:13:10,551
her agent'’s wishes when she
444
00:13:10,551 --> 00:13:12,448
performed seven months pregnant.
445
00:13:12,448 --> 00:13:14,000
They told her that they had
446
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:15,068
never seen a pregnant woman
447
00:13:15,068 --> 00:13:16,068
on stage.
448
00:13:16,068 --> 00:13:17,206
Apparently, they'’ve never been
449
00:13:17,206 --> 00:13:18,241
to a really bad strip club.
450
00:13:18,241 --> 00:13:20,655
Please welcome the very classy
451
00:13:20,655 --> 00:13:22,827
broad, Tammy Pescatelli.
452
00:13:22,827 --> 00:13:24,827
broad, Tammy Pescatelli.
♪
453
00:13:24,827 --> 00:13:33,000
♪
454
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,000
♪
[crowd cheering]
455
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:37,241
[crowd cheering]
456
00:13:37,241 --> 00:13:38,448
>> TAMMY PESCATELLI: All these
457
00:13:38,448 --> 00:13:39,103
women.
458
00:13:39,103 --> 00:13:40,586
Dirty Sexy Funny.
459
00:13:40,586 --> 00:13:42,482
It'’s like the Blue Collar tour
460
00:13:42,482 --> 00:13:43,482
for whores.
461
00:13:43,482 --> 00:13:44,965
[chuckles]: It'’s...
462
00:13:44,965 --> 00:13:48,310
Too tired to be a whore.
463
00:13:48,310 --> 00:13:51,379
I am. I'’m married now.
464
00:13:51,379 --> 00:13:53,241
Only time I get fucked is on tax
465
00:13:53,241 --> 00:13:55,724
day, so it'’s...
466
00:13:55,724 --> 00:13:57,206
Ugh.
467
00:13:57,206 --> 00:13:58,310
Women are tired.
468
00:13:58,310 --> 00:13:59,413
Don'’t act like you're not.
469
00:13:59,413 --> 00:14:00,448
You know you are.
470
00:14:00,448 --> 00:14:01,827
Even when you try to pretend,
471
00:14:01,827 --> 00:14:02,896
you'’re all like...
472
00:14:02,896 --> 00:14:04,344
That'’s why Fifty Shades of Grey
473
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,103
was popular.
474
00:14:06,103 --> 00:14:07,827
'’Cause women are tired.
475
00:14:07,827 --> 00:14:09,068
'’Cause I didn't read that book,
476
00:14:09,068 --> 00:14:10,241
but I know this: I know that the
477
00:14:10,241 --> 00:14:11,310
main character ties the woman
478
00:14:11,310 --> 00:14:12,344
up.
479
00:14:12,344 --> 00:14:13,379
And while you'’re tied up, you
480
00:14:13,379 --> 00:14:14,448
don'’t have to do the laundry,
481
00:14:14,448 --> 00:14:16,275
the dishes, you don'’t have to go
482
00:14:16,275 --> 00:14:19,344
anywhere.
483
00:14:19,344 --> 00:14:20,344
You'’re like, "It's behind the
484
00:14:20,344 --> 00:14:24,034
milk!
485
00:14:24,034 --> 00:14:27,103
Move the milk!
486
00:14:27,103 --> 00:14:29,000
I just fucking bought it on
487
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,586
Tuesday!"
488
00:14:31,586 --> 00:14:32,586
That'’s beautiful acting,
489
00:14:32,586 --> 00:14:33,586
isn'’t it?
490
00:14:33,586 --> 00:14:35,000
Why doesn'’t anybody ever cast me
491
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:38,620
in shit, motherfuckers?
492
00:14:38,620 --> 00:14:40,482
Every day, some... I'’m tired.
493
00:14:40,482 --> 00:14:42,137
I don'’t need Ecstasy, I need a
494
00:14:42,137 --> 00:14:43,551
drug called Complacency.
495
00:14:43,551 --> 00:14:45,551
Just, I don'’t know.
496
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:46,862
It'’s just, it's crazy, and I
497
00:14:46,862 --> 00:14:47,862
know crazy, okay?
498
00:14:47,862 --> 00:14:48,827
'’Cause crazy's easy to tell.
499
00:14:48,827 --> 00:14:49,827
Especially on women.
500
00:14:49,827 --> 00:14:50,827
You can tell... I'’m an
501
00:14:50,827 --> 00:14:51,827
observationist.
502
00:14:51,827 --> 00:14:52,827
That'’s what I do, I watch
503
00:14:52,827 --> 00:14:53,827
people.
504
00:14:53,827 --> 00:14:54,827
And then I talk about '’em at
505
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:55,827
night.
506
00:14:55,827 --> 00:14:56,827
That'’s what I do.
507
00:14:56,827 --> 00:14:58,620
20 years, all around the world,
508
00:14:58,620 --> 00:14:59,620
and women are the same
509
00:14:59,620 --> 00:15:00,620
everywhere.
510
00:15:00,620 --> 00:15:01,896
I grew up with all boys, I'’m in
511
00:15:01,896 --> 00:15:03,241
a male-dominated industry, and
512
00:15:03,241 --> 00:15:04,758
you can tell if a woman is crazy
513
00:15:04,758 --> 00:15:06,655
in direct proportion to her
514
00:15:06,655 --> 00:15:08,586
eyebrows.
515
00:15:08,586 --> 00:15:10,137
The thinner the eyebrow, the
516
00:15:10,137 --> 00:15:12,448
crazier the broad.
517
00:15:12,448 --> 00:15:14,068
My mother-in-law shaves them off
518
00:15:14,068 --> 00:15:15,586
and draws them back in, and
519
00:15:15,586 --> 00:15:16,758
she'’s Planet Bananas.
520
00:15:16,758 --> 00:15:19,586
Okay?
521
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:20,655
Some of you are sitting there
522
00:15:20,655 --> 00:15:21,758
trying to figure out how thick
523
00:15:21,758 --> 00:15:24,413
or thin your eyebrows are.
524
00:15:24,413 --> 00:15:25,620
And your men are giving me
525
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:27,620
And your men are giving me
hostage signals.
526
00:15:27,620 --> 00:15:30,724
hostage signals.
527
00:15:30,724 --> 00:15:33,620
'’Cause they're afraid of you.
528
00:15:33,620 --> 00:15:34,827
They'’re afraid.
529
00:15:34,827 --> 00:15:35,896
That'’s why we have to have safe
530
00:15:35,896 --> 00:15:37,758
words.
531
00:15:37,758 --> 00:15:39,241
My husband said to me, "You
532
00:15:39,241 --> 00:15:40,793
know, I think we should... we
533
00:15:40,793 --> 00:15:42,448
should get a safe word."
534
00:15:42,448 --> 00:15:43,793
[scoffs]
535
00:15:43,793 --> 00:15:44,793
How about "Get the fuck off of
536
00:15:44,793 --> 00:15:45,793
me"?
537
00:15:45,793 --> 00:15:47,620
How about that?
538
00:15:47,620 --> 00:15:49,206
All one word, with a hashtag in
539
00:15:49,206 --> 00:15:51,931
front of it, how about that?
540
00:15:51,931 --> 00:15:55,310
Is that good?
541
00:15:55,310 --> 00:15:56,827
I married the hot kid from the
542
00:15:56,827 --> 00:15:58,275
slow class.
543
00:15:58,275 --> 00:15:59,275
I didn'’t know.
544
00:15:59,275 --> 00:16:00,379
You don'’t know that shit till
545
00:16:00,379 --> 00:16:01,551
you go to a class reunion, then
546
00:16:01,551 --> 00:16:02,551
you'’re like, "You were potting
547
00:16:02,551 --> 00:16:03,862
plants the whole motherfucking
548
00:16:03,862 --> 00:16:05,413
time you were in school, weren'’t
549
00:16:05,413 --> 00:16:07,793
you?"
550
00:16:07,793 --> 00:16:09,310
Now, that'’s not to say that he's
551
00:16:09,310 --> 00:16:10,551
stupid, he'’s not.
552
00:16:10,551 --> 00:16:11,655
He has a lot of useless
553
00:16:11,655 --> 00:16:12,793
information, which is what
554
00:16:12,793 --> 00:16:14,000
marriage is.
555
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:15,000
That'’s what it is.
556
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:16,000
Look at you punching him,
557
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:17,931
'’cause you know.
558
00:16:17,931 --> 00:16:19,103
You want to know how I knew
559
00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:20,103
that you guys were together
560
00:16:20,103 --> 00:16:21,103
before I knew that that was your
561
00:16:21,103 --> 00:16:22,103
man?
562
00:16:22,103 --> 00:16:25,137
'’Cause you dress him stupid.
563
00:16:25,137 --> 00:16:27,931
Yep, I'’m telling you how I knew.
564
00:16:27,931 --> 00:16:29,103
When you were single, you didn'’t
565
00:16:29,103 --> 00:16:30,655
have ugly Hawaiian shirts like
566
00:16:30,655 --> 00:16:32,482
that, did you?
567
00:16:32,482 --> 00:16:34,000
We dress you up stupid so no
568
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:35,137
other woman will look at you.
569
00:16:35,137 --> 00:16:37,482
Be like, "He'’s cute, but I can't
570
00:16:37,482 --> 00:16:38,758
fix all of this shit.
571
00:16:38,758 --> 00:16:42,034
What is this?"
572
00:16:42,034 --> 00:16:43,620
Yeah, you couldn'’t have marked
573
00:16:43,620 --> 00:16:44,862
your territory better if you
574
00:16:44,862 --> 00:16:45,965
peed on him.
575
00:16:45,965 --> 00:16:47,586
Okay?
576
00:16:47,586 --> 00:16:49,275
Now, I'’m telling you, I have a
577
00:16:49,275 --> 00:16:50,482
lot of respect for my husband.
578
00:16:50,482 --> 00:16:52,310
Um, I made him respect me.
579
00:16:52,310 --> 00:16:54,000
That'’s the truth.
580
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:55,000
I did, I taught him.
581
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:56,000
You have to... carry yourself
582
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:57,000
with class and dignity, and you
583
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,068
will be treated with class and
584
00:16:58,068 --> 00:16:59,068
dignity.
585
00:16:59,068 --> 00:17:01,206
I taught him how to respect me.
586
00:17:01,206 --> 00:17:02,172
We were dating for about six
587
00:17:02,172 --> 00:17:03,172
weeks, he was...
588
00:17:03,172 --> 00:17:05,172
weeks, he was...
[woman laughs]
589
00:17:05,172 --> 00:17:08,620
[woman laughs]
590
00:17:08,620 --> 00:17:10,172
What are you, some crazy psycho
591
00:17:10,172 --> 00:17:11,896
stalker, laughing at shit that
592
00:17:11,896 --> 00:17:14,103
you don'’t...
593
00:17:14,103 --> 00:17:15,551
Let me see your eyebrows, let me
594
00:17:15,551 --> 00:17:16,655
see your eyebrows.
595
00:17:16,655 --> 00:17:18,068
See, I know, that'’s some crazy
596
00:17:18,068 --> 00:17:20,068
See, I know, that'’s some crazy
shit.
597
00:17:20,068 --> 00:17:22,068
shit.
598
00:17:22,068 --> 00:17:23,758
Want to know another crazy woman
599
00:17:23,758 --> 00:17:24,965
thing?
600
00:17:24,965 --> 00:17:26,310
You see a white woman over 40
601
00:17:26,310 --> 00:17:27,758
with a flower in her hair, and
602
00:17:27,758 --> 00:17:29,413
you'’re not in Hawaii,
603
00:17:29,413 --> 00:17:31,310
crazy shit'’s about to go down.
604
00:17:31,310 --> 00:17:34,137
Um, so...
605
00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:35,758
Prepare yourself for a vortex of
606
00:17:35,758 --> 00:17:37,137
chaos that you will never
607
00:17:37,137 --> 00:17:40,896
fulfill.
608
00:17:40,896 --> 00:17:43,068
[whispers]: I don'’t know.
609
00:17:43,068 --> 00:17:45,724
Six weeks we were dating.
610
00:17:45,724 --> 00:17:47,344
He was an hour and a half late.
611
00:17:47,344 --> 00:17:49,103
I'’m not big... I don't care as
612
00:17:49,103 --> 00:17:50,103
much, except that he didn'’t
613
00:17:50,103 --> 00:17:51,103
call.
614
00:17:51,103 --> 00:17:52,103
Right?
615
00:17:52,103 --> 00:17:55,068
No text, no e-mail, nothing.
616
00:17:55,068 --> 00:17:56,413
Finally calls, he said, "I was
617
00:17:56,413 --> 00:17:58,379
stuck in traffic, and, uh, my
618
00:17:58,379 --> 00:18:00,000
cell phone died."
619
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,000
I said, "Well, come over, but
620
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,068
could you stop by the pharmacy
621
00:18:04,068 --> 00:18:05,586
and buy some condoms?"
622
00:18:05,586 --> 00:18:06,655
And we hadn'’t even slept
623
00:18:06,655 --> 00:18:07,896
together at that point, '’cause
624
00:18:07,896 --> 00:18:08,896
I'’m not a whore.
625
00:18:08,896 --> 00:18:10,827
And, um...
626
00:18:10,827 --> 00:18:11,827
I wish I would have been.
627
00:18:11,827 --> 00:18:12,827
If I'’d known I was gonna get
628
00:18:12,827 --> 00:18:13,827
married and locked down, I'’d
629
00:18:13,827 --> 00:18:15,620
have been fucking everybody.
630
00:18:15,620 --> 00:18:17,931
Um... that'’s what you get for
631
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:19,344
being a good Italian girl.
632
00:18:19,344 --> 00:18:20,344
Nothing.
633
00:18:20,344 --> 00:18:21,965
A lifetime of one dick for the
634
00:18:21,965 --> 00:18:23,655
rest of your life.
635
00:18:23,655 --> 00:18:26,206
[sighs]
636
00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:27,689
That'’s why God won't give me a
637
00:18:27,689 --> 00:18:29,103
daughter.
638
00:18:29,103 --> 00:18:30,137
'’Cause you have to lie to your
639
00:18:30,137 --> 00:18:31,137
daughter.
640
00:18:31,137 --> 00:18:32,689
You'’re like, "Don't worry about
641
00:18:32,689 --> 00:18:34,275
what'’s on the outside, just be
642
00:18:34,275 --> 00:18:36,758
pretty on the inside."
643
00:18:36,758 --> 00:18:37,758
You know what "pretty on the
644
00:18:37,758 --> 00:18:38,758
inside" will get you?
645
00:18:38,758 --> 00:18:39,758
Fucked in the dark.
646
00:18:39,758 --> 00:18:40,758
That is all that'’ll happen to
647
00:18:40,758 --> 00:18:41,862
you.
648
00:18:41,862 --> 00:18:43,482
"So, could you stop and buy some
649
00:18:43,482 --> 00:18:44,482
condoms?"
650
00:18:44,482 --> 00:18:47,758
So he was like, "What?"
651
00:18:47,758 --> 00:18:49,068
I hung up the phone, I put on
652
00:18:49,068 --> 00:18:52,655
sexy lingerie, I lit candles.
653
00:18:52,655 --> 00:18:53,655
Music.
654
00:18:53,655 --> 00:18:55,275
Put the chain unlocked.
655
00:18:55,275 --> 00:18:57,034
He knocked on the door.
656
00:18:57,034 --> 00:18:58,172
Opened up, I said, "Let me see
657
00:18:58,172 --> 00:18:59,931
the condoms."
658
00:18:59,931 --> 00:19:01,275
So I said, "Thanks, we need that
659
00:19:01,275 --> 00:19:02,275
shit."
660
00:19:02,275 --> 00:19:06,137
And I shut the door.
661
00:19:06,137 --> 00:19:08,344
I was alone, but I figured he'’d
662
00:19:08,344 --> 00:19:11,620
get the therapy he needed.
663
00:19:11,620 --> 00:19:12,620
He would stay.
664
00:19:12,620 --> 00:19:13,793
And he stayed, and I love him.
665
00:19:13,793 --> 00:19:14,793
And I'’m not telling you that
666
00:19:14,793 --> 00:19:16,413
marriage is always easy, it'’s
667
00:19:16,413 --> 00:19:17,413
not.
668
00:19:17,413 --> 00:19:18,448
It'’s a lot of useless
669
00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:21,068
information, that'’s what it is.
670
00:19:21,068 --> 00:19:22,827
Tells me all kinds of stuff at
671
00:19:22,827 --> 00:19:25,310
the most inopportune times.
672
00:19:25,310 --> 00:19:26,827
Woke up the other night--
673
00:19:26,827 --> 00:19:27,827
perfect example-- I'’m choking.
674
00:19:27,827 --> 00:19:29,241
I'’m like... [coughs]
675
00:19:29,241 --> 00:19:30,241
He woke up and looked at me, he
676
00:19:30,241 --> 00:19:31,241
goes, "What'’s wrong?"
677
00:19:31,241 --> 00:19:32,241
[grunts]
678
00:19:32,241 --> 00:19:34,103
"I'’m choking."
679
00:19:34,103 --> 00:19:35,448
He said, "Maybe you ate a
680
00:19:35,448 --> 00:19:37,448
He said, "Maybe you ate a
spider."
681
00:19:37,448 --> 00:19:44,862
spider."
682
00:19:44,862 --> 00:19:48,620
"The hell is wrong with you?"
683
00:19:48,620 --> 00:19:49,793
Said, "I was watching the
684
00:19:49,793 --> 00:19:51,827
Discovery Channel, and the
685
00:19:51,827 --> 00:19:53,275
average person eats about eight
686
00:19:53,275 --> 00:19:57,172
spiders a year in their sleep."
687
00:19:57,172 --> 00:19:58,689
"You'’re an asshole.
688
00:19:58,689 --> 00:19:59,689
All right? Really."
689
00:19:59,689 --> 00:20:00,862
'’Cause now I can't sleep,
690
00:20:00,862 --> 00:20:01,689
'’cause I don't know if
691
00:20:01,689 --> 00:20:03,068
I'’m on spider one or spider
692
00:20:03,068 --> 00:20:04,413
eight.
693
00:20:04,413 --> 00:20:05,827
I got to sleep with a nicotine
694
00:20:05,827 --> 00:20:07,206
patch over my mouth.
695
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:08,931
I'’m punching him in the dick,
696
00:20:08,931 --> 00:20:10,103
'’cause if I got to be awake,
697
00:20:10,103 --> 00:20:12,103
'’cause if I got to be awake,
he'’s got to be awake.
698
00:20:12,103 --> 00:20:16,206
he'’s got to be awake.
699
00:20:16,206 --> 00:20:17,413
And I'’m happy.
700
00:20:17,413 --> 00:20:19,793
'’Cause goals change.
701
00:20:19,793 --> 00:20:21,206
Alls I ever wanted to be was
702
00:20:21,206 --> 00:20:22,517
happy, now I just want to die
703
00:20:22,517 --> 00:20:25,000
before my tits hit the floor.
704
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:26,586
Now I got my cousin, I got to
705
00:20:26,586 --> 00:20:27,827
carry her, '’cause she's getting
706
00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:29,689
a divorce, and...
707
00:20:29,689 --> 00:20:31,413
she'’s running around.
708
00:20:31,413 --> 00:20:32,517
For Halloween, she was
709
00:20:32,517 --> 00:20:33,517
Miley Cyrus.
710
00:20:33,517 --> 00:20:35,068
40 years old.
711
00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:36,620
She dressed up as Miley.
712
00:20:36,620 --> 00:20:38,448
Not cute sweet Hannah Montana.
713
00:20:38,448 --> 00:20:42,379
You know, VMA in the teddy bear.
714
00:20:42,379 --> 00:20:43,724
God bless that girl, she'’s so
715
00:20:43,724 --> 00:20:45,448
talented, but she'’s really just
716
00:20:45,448 --> 00:20:48,655
a dumb ill-advised hillbilly.
717
00:20:48,655 --> 00:20:49,689
That'’s really all it is.
718
00:20:49,689 --> 00:20:51,310
So, no one explained shit to
719
00:20:51,310 --> 00:20:52,482
her, '’cause I'm quite sure her
720
00:20:52,482 --> 00:20:53,931
stylist said to her, "You need
721
00:20:53,931 --> 00:20:55,000
to do something really shocking.
722
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,482
You should come out in a teddy."
723
00:20:56,482 --> 00:20:57,793
And then that bitch came out in
724
00:20:57,793 --> 00:21:00,241
a stuffed animal.
725
00:21:00,241 --> 00:21:02,689
'’Cause she's just stupid.
726
00:21:02,689 --> 00:21:04,310
And I say "hillbilly" in the
727
00:21:04,310 --> 00:21:06,275
most respectful way.
728
00:21:06,275 --> 00:21:07,655
'’Cause I'm afraid of
729
00:21:07,655 --> 00:21:09,862
hillbillies.
730
00:21:09,862 --> 00:21:11,655
I'’m not afraid to die.
731
00:21:11,655 --> 00:21:12,965
A gang member will kill you,
732
00:21:12,965 --> 00:21:15,172
but a hillbilly will keep you.
733
00:21:15,172 --> 00:21:17,172
but a hillbilly will keep you.
[chuckles]
734
00:21:17,172 --> 00:21:19,655
[chuckles]
735
00:21:19,655 --> 00:21:22,034
[crowd cheering]
736
00:21:22,034 --> 00:21:23,793
Like in a box underneath his
737
00:21:23,793 --> 00:21:25,000
bed, and I am not playing the
738
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:26,000
fucking gimp game for the rest
739
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:27,000
of my damn life.
740
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:28,413
You better choke me the fuck
741
00:21:28,413 --> 00:21:30,275
out, '’cause I will make you
742
00:21:30,275 --> 00:21:32,068
miserable.
743
00:21:32,068 --> 00:21:33,551
I did a charity show for the
744
00:21:33,551 --> 00:21:34,862
Playboy Foundation.
745
00:21:34,862 --> 00:21:36,000
I don'’t even know what their
746
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:38,103
charity was.
747
00:21:38,103 --> 00:21:39,724
14-year-old boys who go blind
748
00:21:39,724 --> 00:21:41,034
from reading a magazine, I don'’t
749
00:21:41,034 --> 00:21:44,137
know.
750
00:21:44,137 --> 00:21:45,551
They had a party at the old
751
00:21:45,551 --> 00:21:47,689
dude'’s house afterwards, and...
752
00:21:47,689 --> 00:21:48,689
I didn'’t want to go.
753
00:21:48,689 --> 00:21:49,689
I wasn'’t even married, but my
754
00:21:49,689 --> 00:21:50,689
brothers made me go for
755
00:21:50,689 --> 00:21:51,689
research.
756
00:21:51,689 --> 00:21:53,344
[laughs]: '’Cause...
757
00:21:53,344 --> 00:21:57,241
I was always the best wingman.
758
00:21:57,241 --> 00:21:58,862
Those girls are beautiful.
759
00:21:58,862 --> 00:21:59,862
But they'’re, like, size
760
00:21:59,862 --> 00:22:00,862
double zero.
761
00:22:00,862 --> 00:22:02,068
They'’re-they're mean, '’cause
762
00:22:02,068 --> 00:22:03,241
they'’re hungry.
763
00:22:03,241 --> 00:22:05,620
And...
764
00:22:05,620 --> 00:22:07,379
One wanted to fight me for
765
00:22:07,379 --> 00:22:08,379
something I had said on stage.
766
00:22:08,379 --> 00:22:09,379
I don'’t even know, probably
767
00:22:09,379 --> 00:22:10,379
something about whores.
768
00:22:10,379 --> 00:22:11,379
I'’m not sure.
769
00:22:11,379 --> 00:22:14,068
And, uh...
770
00:22:14,068 --> 00:22:15,206
I'’m not gonna fight you.
771
00:22:15,206 --> 00:22:16,862
There'’s no class in that.
772
00:22:16,862 --> 00:22:17,896
Plus, I'’m a girl from the
773
00:22:17,896 --> 00:22:18,896
neighborhood and you'’re a double
774
00:22:18,896 --> 00:22:19,896
zero.
775
00:22:19,896 --> 00:22:21,103
If I swing at you and miss,
776
00:22:21,103 --> 00:22:22,482
you'’ll die of pneumonia.
777
00:22:22,482 --> 00:22:25,172
Okay?
778
00:22:25,172 --> 00:22:28,655
Stupid.
779
00:22:28,655 --> 00:22:30,965
Then I saw...
780
00:22:30,965 --> 00:22:32,482
what, the icon, Hugh Hefner, you
781
00:22:32,482 --> 00:22:33,482
know what I mean?
782
00:22:33,482 --> 00:22:35,206
Beautiful man, nice man.
783
00:22:35,206 --> 00:22:36,758
Gets these young broads to go
784
00:22:36,758 --> 00:22:38,724
with him.
785
00:22:38,724 --> 00:22:41,310
Have sex with him.
786
00:22:41,310 --> 00:22:42,586
God bless him, but having sex
787
00:22:42,586 --> 00:22:44,551
with Hugh Hefner would be like
788
00:22:44,551 --> 00:22:46,482
banging a bucket of chicken.
789
00:22:46,482 --> 00:22:48,344
It'’s all brittle and the bones
790
00:22:48,344 --> 00:22:50,000
break and the skin is falling
791
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:51,448
off.
792
00:22:51,448 --> 00:22:53,241
And you can'’t get the grease off
793
00:22:53,241 --> 00:22:55,620
your fingers.
794
00:22:55,620 --> 00:22:58,137
[laughs]
795
00:22:58,137 --> 00:22:59,379
You want to be a gold digger,
796
00:22:59,379 --> 00:23:01,206
there'’s your life.
797
00:23:01,206 --> 00:23:03,103
You get education, you can fuck
798
00:23:03,103 --> 00:23:04,724
who you want.
799
00:23:04,724 --> 00:23:06,172
That should be the slogan for
800
00:23:06,172 --> 00:23:07,551
the literacy campaign, but no
801
00:23:07,551 --> 00:23:09,000
one calls me.
802
00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:10,896
[crowd whooping]
803
00:23:10,896 --> 00:23:13,793
So... [laughs]
804
00:23:13,793 --> 00:23:14,896
I was there at that party, at
805
00:23:14,896 --> 00:23:15,896
the Playboy Mansion.
806
00:23:15,896 --> 00:23:16,896
I'’m drunk, they had a trampoline
807
00:23:16,896 --> 00:23:18,482
contest, and the story doesn'’t
808
00:23:18,482 --> 00:23:21,896
end well.
809
00:23:21,896 --> 00:23:23,068
Those girls drop-kicked me off
810
00:23:23,068 --> 00:23:24,793
the trampoline and I went flying
811
00:23:24,793 --> 00:23:25,896
on my butt down a hill, into a
812
00:23:25,896 --> 00:23:26,896
pond.
813
00:23:26,896 --> 00:23:28,241
A peacock went to attack me,
814
00:23:28,241 --> 00:23:30,172
and... I thought I was
815
00:23:30,172 --> 00:23:31,172
paralyzed.
816
00:23:31,172 --> 00:23:32,172
But really I was just
817
00:23:32,172 --> 00:23:34,172
But really I was just
drunk, stuck in the mud.
818
00:23:34,172 --> 00:23:37,931
drunk, stuck in the mud.
819
00:23:37,931 --> 00:23:39,000
And you can talk about class and
820
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:40,793
self-respect and dignity all you
821
00:23:40,793 --> 00:23:42,206
want.
822
00:23:42,206 --> 00:23:43,551
But I couldn'’t walk for three
823
00:23:43,551 --> 00:23:45,689
days after going to that party.
824
00:23:45,689 --> 00:23:46,827
And when you can'’t walk for
825
00:23:46,827 --> 00:23:47,931
three days after going to a
826
00:23:47,931 --> 00:23:49,896
party at the Playboy Mansion...
827
00:23:49,896 --> 00:23:51,172
nobody believes it has anything
828
00:23:51,172 --> 00:23:52,172
to do with an unfortunate
829
00:23:52,172 --> 00:23:54,931
trampoline accident.
830
00:23:54,931 --> 00:23:55,931
Thank you so much.
831
00:23:55,931 --> 00:23:57,379
Thank you, Jenny.
832
00:23:57,379 --> 00:23:59,379
Thank you, Jenny.
[crowd cheering]
833
00:23:59,379 --> 00:24:01,379
[crowd cheering]
834
00:24:01,379 --> 00:24:02,586
>> JENNY: So good!
835
00:24:02,586 --> 00:24:05,379
I love you.
836
00:24:05,379 --> 00:24:06,793
I love you so much.
837
00:24:06,793 --> 00:24:08,517
How great are they so far?
838
00:24:08,517 --> 00:24:09,655
[crowd cheering]
839
00:24:09,655 --> 00:24:11,793
It only gets better.
840
00:24:11,793 --> 00:24:14,482
I'’m so happy she's married.
841
00:24:14,482 --> 00:24:15,793
Kind of envious of all you
842
00:24:15,793 --> 00:24:16,965
people that are married.
843
00:24:16,965 --> 00:24:18,275
[whispers]: Not really.
844
00:24:18,275 --> 00:24:19,724
But, you know, I did have a
845
00:24:19,724 --> 00:24:21,000
tough year, um, when I
846
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:22,137
experienced a little bit of
847
00:24:22,137 --> 00:24:23,137
online dating.
848
00:24:23,137 --> 00:24:24,137
Have you guys tried it?
849
00:24:24,137 --> 00:24:25,137
>> No.
850
00:24:25,137 --> 00:24:26,379
>> JENNY: I did one year of it,
851
00:24:26,379 --> 00:24:27,862
and it was fucking awful.
852
00:24:27,862 --> 00:24:29,862
and it was fucking awful.
Take a look.
853
00:24:29,862 --> 00:24:33,172
Take a look.
854
00:24:33,172 --> 00:24:34,172
Well, here'’s a good one.
855
00:24:34,172 --> 00:24:36,413
"Kevin, 42.
856
00:24:36,413 --> 00:24:38,137
Nice smile, good listener.
857
00:24:38,137 --> 00:24:40,517
Looking for a girl to share life
858
00:24:40,517 --> 00:24:41,724
experiences with."
859
00:24:41,724 --> 00:24:42,724
Oh.
860
00:24:42,724 --> 00:24:45,000
Oh.
And he loves art.
861
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:48,862
And he loves art.
862
00:24:48,862 --> 00:24:50,689
>> KEVIN: Oh, people say I have
863
00:24:50,689 --> 00:24:52,689
>> KEVIN: Oh, people say I have
a nice smile.
864
00:24:52,689 --> 00:24:55,206
a nice smile.
865
00:24:55,206 --> 00:24:56,827
I do art.
866
00:24:56,827 --> 00:24:58,241
I'’m an artist.
867
00:24:58,241 --> 00:25:00,206
That'’s what I do.
868
00:25:00,206 --> 00:25:01,448
>> JENNY: Ooh.
869
00:25:01,448 --> 00:25:02,655
"European.
870
00:25:02,655 --> 00:25:05,068
Loves mother and country."
871
00:25:05,068 --> 00:25:06,862
He loves his mom.
872
00:25:06,862 --> 00:25:07,965
Yes!
873
00:25:07,965 --> 00:25:11,413
>> Oh! Oh!
874
00:25:11,413 --> 00:25:12,931
I sing Trosback National Anthem
875
00:25:12,931 --> 00:25:13,931
now.
876
00:25:13,931 --> 00:25:15,275
>> JENNY: Cool.
877
00:25:15,275 --> 00:25:17,413
>> ♪ Polly kielbasa
878
00:25:17,413 --> 00:25:19,655
Polish kielbasa
879
00:25:19,655 --> 00:25:21,793
Polish Natasha
880
00:25:21,793 --> 00:25:23,862
Polish Natasha. ♪
881
00:25:23,862 --> 00:25:26,724
Dusk! Dusk! Dusk! Dusk! Dusk!
882
00:25:26,724 --> 00:25:27,896
>> JENNY: Hmm.
883
00:25:27,896 --> 00:25:30,896
>> JENNY: Hmm.
"Natural health expo junky.
884
00:25:30,896 --> 00:25:33,000
"Natural health expo junky.
885
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:34,517
Believes Mother Earth heals."
886
00:25:34,517 --> 00:25:36,586
Believes Mother Earth heals."
Oh.
887
00:25:36,586 --> 00:25:39,517
Oh.
888
00:25:39,517 --> 00:25:43,000
[coughing]
889
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:45,379
>> Respect.
890
00:25:45,379 --> 00:25:47,655
>> JENNY: "Vincent, 44.
891
00:25:47,655 --> 00:25:49,551
Looking to fall in love with
892
00:25:49,551 --> 00:25:51,379
the one.
893
00:25:51,379 --> 00:25:53,862
Loves animals."
894
00:25:53,862 --> 00:25:54,965
>> VINCENT: Have you ever
895
00:25:54,965 --> 00:25:58,034
sacrificed a sheep?
896
00:25:58,034 --> 00:26:01,827
What about a cow?
897
00:26:01,827 --> 00:26:04,241
A chicken?
898
00:26:04,241 --> 00:26:05,068
>> KEVIN: I was going to ask
899
00:26:05,068 --> 00:26:05,931
if I could do a painting of you
900
00:26:05,931 --> 00:26:06,931
right now.
901
00:26:06,931 --> 00:26:07,931
>> JENNY: Okay.
902
00:26:07,931 --> 00:26:08,931
>> KEVIN: Yeah? Okay.
903
00:26:08,931 --> 00:26:09,758
Maybe you can just, uh, do a
904
00:26:09,758 --> 00:26:11,758
pose for me?
905
00:26:11,758 --> 00:26:13,310
Maybe you could just lay down a
906
00:26:13,310 --> 00:26:15,551
little bit in the booth?
907
00:26:15,551 --> 00:26:16,551
Yeah.
908
00:26:16,551 --> 00:26:19,000
Okay, good.
909
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:21,000
Okay, good.
Okay.
910
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:24,413
Okay.
911
00:26:24,413 --> 00:26:26,413
Okay.
>> What?
912
00:26:26,413 --> 00:26:28,758
>> What?
913
00:26:28,758 --> 00:26:29,931
>> [Jamaican accent]: You'’re a
914
00:26:29,931 --> 00:26:31,206
pretty white gal.
915
00:26:31,206 --> 00:26:32,206
What'’s your sign?
916
00:26:32,206 --> 00:26:33,034
>> JENNY: You know you'’re white,
917
00:26:33,034 --> 00:26:34,034
right?
918
00:26:34,034 --> 00:26:35,034
>> Me not white, boy!
919
00:26:35,034 --> 00:26:36,034
>> JENNY: Can I get the check?
920
00:26:36,034 --> 00:26:38,379
>> KEVIN: I'’m almost done.
921
00:26:38,379 --> 00:26:41,413
>> KEVIN: I'’m almost done.
Okay.
922
00:26:41,413 --> 00:26:45,000
Okay.
923
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:46,034
>> You sing with me!
924
00:26:46,034 --> 00:26:47,034
>> JENNY: Okay.
925
00:26:47,034 --> 00:26:49,379
>> No, put ass on table first.
926
00:26:49,379 --> 00:26:50,413
>> I love you on The View.
927
00:26:50,413 --> 00:26:51,413
I think you'’re fucking awesome.
928
00:26:51,413 --> 00:26:52,413
>> JENNY: Thanks.
929
00:26:52,413 --> 00:26:53,517
>> I think Whoopi is a little
930
00:26:53,517 --> 00:26:55,034
tough on you.
931
00:26:55,034 --> 00:26:56,310
>> KEVIN: All right, I'’m gonna
932
00:26:56,310 --> 00:26:57,827
draw me now.
933
00:26:57,827 --> 00:26:59,482
>> You got big beautiful
934
00:26:59,482 --> 00:27:00,827
bosoms!
935
00:27:00,827 --> 00:27:02,965
>> ♪ Polish kielbasa.
936
00:27:02,965 --> 00:27:04,206
>> Oh, you want to see my ass?
937
00:27:04,206 --> 00:27:06,310
Yeah.
938
00:27:06,310 --> 00:27:08,310
Yeah.
[crowd cheering]
939
00:27:08,310 --> 00:27:11,827
[crowd cheering]
940
00:27:11,827 --> 00:27:13,827
[moans]
941
00:27:13,827 --> 00:27:16,413
>> VINCENT: Oh, my God.
942
00:27:16,413 --> 00:27:17,413
[crowd cheering]
943
00:27:17,413 --> 00:27:18,413
You'’re on your period, aren't
944
00:27:18,413 --> 00:27:19,551
you?
945
00:27:19,551 --> 00:27:22,793
[Vincent moans]
946
00:27:22,793 --> 00:27:23,827
>> KEVIN: It'’s more like how I
947
00:27:23,827 --> 00:27:25,827
>> KEVIN: It'’s more like how I
see myself.
948
00:27:25,827 --> 00:27:28,000
see myself.
949
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:31,413
Okay.
950
00:27:31,413 --> 00:27:34,931
[crowd cheering]
951
00:27:34,931 --> 00:27:36,413
>> JENNY: I invited every one of
952
00:27:36,413 --> 00:27:38,931
those guys in the video here
953
00:27:38,931 --> 00:27:41,689
tonight, and he'’s right there.
954
00:27:41,689 --> 00:27:44,586
[crowd cheering]
955
00:27:44,586 --> 00:27:46,275
Thank you, baby.
956
00:27:46,275 --> 00:27:48,103
All right, I kind of have a girl
957
00:27:48,103 --> 00:27:49,620
crush on our next comedian.
958
00:27:49,620 --> 00:27:50,793
She'’s been headlining comedy
959
00:27:50,793 --> 00:27:52,241
clubs across the country for
960
00:27:52,241 --> 00:27:53,620
over 15 years.
961
00:27:53,620 --> 00:27:55,827
When I first saw her, I was
962
00:27:55,827 --> 00:27:56,896
bawling.
963
00:27:56,896 --> 00:27:58,586
She is raw, she'’s a cougar.
964
00:27:58,586 --> 00:27:59,896
She'’s also menopausal, so I'm
965
00:27:59,896 --> 00:28:00,965
really glad I'’m not sharing a
966
00:28:00,965 --> 00:28:01,965
room with her.
967
00:28:01,965 --> 00:28:03,137
Say hi to Lynne Koplitz, you
968
00:28:03,137 --> 00:28:05,137
Say hi to Lynne Koplitz, you
guys!
969
00:28:05,137 --> 00:28:10,310
guys!
970
00:28:10,310 --> 00:28:12,310
guys!
[crowd cheering]
971
00:28:12,310 --> 00:28:16,034
[crowd cheering]
972
00:28:16,034 --> 00:28:17,206
>> LYNNE KOPLITZ: Hi.
973
00:28:17,206 --> 00:28:18,896
Let me look at you.
974
00:28:18,896 --> 00:28:20,206
How are we?
975
00:28:20,206 --> 00:28:21,793
You in a good mood?
976
00:28:21,793 --> 00:28:23,724
That'’s nice.
977
00:28:23,724 --> 00:28:25,172
I feel a lot less aggressive
978
00:28:25,172 --> 00:28:26,517
than normal.
979
00:28:26,517 --> 00:28:27,724
I think it'’s because this dress
980
00:28:27,724 --> 00:28:28,862
is acting as a compression
981
00:28:28,862 --> 00:28:29,931
garment.
982
00:28:29,931 --> 00:28:31,586
[laughter]
983
00:28:31,586 --> 00:28:32,827
I...
984
00:28:32,827 --> 00:28:35,172
I haven'’t been out of a sports
985
00:28:35,172 --> 00:28:37,413
bra in over a year.
986
00:28:37,413 --> 00:28:39,586
You know I love Jenny McCarthy.
987
00:28:39,586 --> 00:28:40,862
I seriously haven'’t dressed up
988
00:28:40,862 --> 00:28:42,172
in so long.
989
00:28:42,172 --> 00:28:43,413
Nothing says "I'’m done with
990
00:28:43,413 --> 00:28:45,827
life" like a 40-something woman
991
00:28:45,827 --> 00:28:47,068
in a sports bra.
992
00:28:47,068 --> 00:28:48,068
Isn'’t that...?
993
00:28:48,068 --> 00:28:49,068
I'’ve never done sports.
994
00:28:49,068 --> 00:28:50,724
It'’s not like I do sports.
995
00:28:50,724 --> 00:28:51,655
I'’ve never done sports.
996
00:28:51,655 --> 00:28:54,931
Just, I like the look of one
997
00:28:54,931 --> 00:28:59,620
low, defiant breast just daring
998
00:28:59,620 --> 00:29:00,620
you to fuck with it.
999
00:29:00,620 --> 00:29:01,620
Just, I dare you.
1000
00:29:01,620 --> 00:29:03,551
I was called a "MILF" the other
1001
00:29:03,551 --> 00:29:04,551
day.
1002
00:29:04,551 --> 00:29:06,551
[crowd cheering]
1003
00:29:06,551 --> 00:29:08,344
Kind of a compliment.
1004
00:29:08,344 --> 00:29:10,344
Moms I like to...
1005
00:29:10,344 --> 00:29:11,344
[mumbles]
1006
00:29:11,344 --> 00:29:12,482
You know what that is?
1007
00:29:12,482 --> 00:29:13,275
Moms I like to f...
1008
00:29:13,275 --> 00:29:14,689
It'’s a compliment if you're a
1009
00:29:14,689 --> 00:29:16,793
mother.
1010
00:29:16,793 --> 00:29:17,827
I'’m not, so it was a tad
1011
00:29:17,827 --> 00:29:18,862
insulting.
1012
00:29:18,862 --> 00:29:20,896
I said to the kid, "I'’m not a
1013
00:29:20,896 --> 00:29:22,034
mother, but thank you."
1014
00:29:22,034 --> 00:29:23,034
He was like, "You'’re still a
1015
00:29:23,034 --> 00:29:24,034
MILF."
1016
00:29:24,034 --> 00:29:26,586
Uh... no.
1017
00:29:26,586 --> 00:29:27,586
He was like, "Then you'’re a-a
1018
00:29:27,586 --> 00:29:28,586
ILF."
1019
00:29:28,586 --> 00:29:29,586
I'’m like, "What are you,
1020
00:29:29,586 --> 00:29:30,586
special needs?
1021
00:29:30,586 --> 00:29:31,586
What the fuck is wrong with
1022
00:29:31,586 --> 00:29:32,655
you?"
1023
00:29:32,655 --> 00:29:34,344
I love young guys.
1024
00:29:34,344 --> 00:29:35,379
How old are you, sir?
1025
00:29:35,379 --> 00:29:37,758
Um, you know who I'’m talking to.
1026
00:29:37,758 --> 00:29:38,862
43.
1027
00:29:38,862 --> 00:29:40,137
Yeah, too old for me.
1028
00:29:40,137 --> 00:29:41,137
'’Cause, look, did you see how
1029
00:29:41,137 --> 00:29:42,137
he...?
1030
00:29:42,137 --> 00:29:43,137
Did anyone see it?
1031
00:29:43,137 --> 00:29:44,137
He just did this.
1032
00:29:44,137 --> 00:29:45,206
[scoffs]
1033
00:29:45,206 --> 00:29:47,000
Just a total, like, "Ugh.
1034
00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:49,448
This stripper'’s chatty."
1035
00:29:49,448 --> 00:29:50,965
Uh...
1036
00:29:50,965 --> 00:29:51,965
[laughs]
1037
00:29:51,965 --> 00:29:52,965
I know.
1038
00:29:52,965 --> 00:29:54,000
You don'’t want me, either.
1039
00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:55,000
I get it.
1040
00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:56,000
We both have opinions.
1041
00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:57,000
What do we need with each other?
1042
00:29:57,000 --> 00:29:58,000
We both have ideas.
1043
00:29:58,000 --> 00:29:59,000
Fuck it.
1044
00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:00,000
You have ideas that you'’ve
1045
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:01,000
actually thought out and put
1046
00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:02,000
into fruition.
1047
00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:03,000
That'’s annoying.
1048
00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:04,000
Look at this kid.
1049
00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:05,103
No ideas, no opinions.
1050
00:30:05,103 --> 00:30:07,034
I could blow either one of these
1051
00:30:07,034 --> 00:30:08,103
kids into changing their
1052
00:30:08,103 --> 00:30:10,206
religion.
1053
00:30:10,206 --> 00:30:11,724
One good ball tickle, a pinky in
1054
00:30:11,724 --> 00:30:13,620
the bum hole, this kid'’s
1055
00:30:13,620 --> 00:30:15,620
the bum hole, this kid'’s
following jihad.
1056
00:30:15,620 --> 00:30:18,448
following jihad.
1057
00:30:18,448 --> 00:30:19,448
He'’s gonna be tougher.
1058
00:30:19,448 --> 00:30:20,448
He doesn'’t care.
1059
00:30:20,448 --> 00:30:21,551
The older guy-- he doesn'’t care
1060
00:30:21,551 --> 00:30:22,551
about that.
1061
00:30:22,551 --> 00:30:23,551
Give him a chocolate éclair, and
1062
00:30:23,551 --> 00:30:26,965
put Castleon, he'’s happy.
1063
00:30:26,965 --> 00:30:27,965
I really do like young guys, but
1064
00:30:27,965 --> 00:30:28,965
Jenny'’s wrong.
1065
00:30:28,965 --> 00:30:30,275
I'’m not a cougar anymore, 'cause
1066
00:30:30,275 --> 00:30:32,068
I don'’t hunt.
1067
00:30:32,068 --> 00:30:33,758
Not now.
1068
00:30:33,758 --> 00:30:34,758
Now I'’m more of like...
1069
00:30:34,758 --> 00:30:35,758
Uh... can I sit in this?
1070
00:30:35,758 --> 00:30:36,758
I don'’t even know if it's gonna
1071
00:30:36,758 --> 00:30:37,758
happen.
1072
00:30:37,758 --> 00:30:38,758
There'’s a good chance we're
1073
00:30:38,758 --> 00:30:39,758
gonna have to take me out on the
1074
00:30:39,758 --> 00:30:42,655
stool.
1075
00:30:42,655 --> 00:30:43,655
Just be careful, people down in
1076
00:30:43,655 --> 00:30:44,655
front.
1077
00:30:44,655 --> 00:30:45,655
I might put your eye out if the
1078
00:30:45,655 --> 00:30:47,620
fucking belt pops out.
1079
00:30:47,620 --> 00:30:49,965
It'’s very apropos that we're in
1080
00:30:49,965 --> 00:30:51,655
Vegas, '’cause I'm starting to
1081
00:30:51,655 --> 00:30:54,965
sweat like fucking old Elvis.
1082
00:30:54,965 --> 00:30:56,655
Like the old fat Elvis right
1083
00:30:56,655 --> 00:30:58,344
before he died on the toilet.
1084
00:30:58,344 --> 00:30:59,827
That'’s where I am right at this
1085
00:30:59,827 --> 00:31:01,965
moment.
1086
00:31:01,965 --> 00:31:03,000
Wait, wait, wait.
1087
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:05,068
I'’m not a cougar who hunts.
1088
00:31:05,068 --> 00:31:07,103
No, I'’m like a zoo cougar now.
1089
00:31:07,103 --> 00:31:08,103
I'’m a zoogar.
1090
00:31:08,103 --> 00:31:10,413
I'’m a lazy cougar that just sits
1091
00:31:10,413 --> 00:31:13,724
around his habitat... and enjoys
1092
00:31:13,724 --> 00:31:16,551
its fake rock.
1093
00:31:16,551 --> 00:31:17,965
Every now and then, one of those
1094
00:31:17,965 --> 00:31:19,620
26-year-olds accidentally falls
1095
00:31:19,620 --> 00:31:20,620
over the side.
1096
00:31:20,620 --> 00:31:22,620
over the side.
"Wait. Excuse me.
1097
00:31:22,620 --> 00:31:25,931
"Wait. Excuse me.
1098
00:31:25,931 --> 00:31:26,931
No, help yourself.
1099
00:31:26,931 --> 00:31:27,931
I ain'’t running.
1100
00:31:27,931 --> 00:31:29,413
Bad hip.
1101
00:31:29,413 --> 00:31:30,413
I'’ll get the next one."
1102
00:31:30,413 --> 00:31:31,379
[laughs]
1103
00:31:31,379 --> 00:31:33,275
Let'’s see.
1104
00:31:33,275 --> 00:31:35,724
You already got a lot of comedy.
1105
00:31:35,724 --> 00:31:36,793
You'’re gonna get more comedy in
1106
00:31:36,793 --> 00:31:38,000
a minute.
1107
00:31:38,000 --> 00:31:41,862
I'’m not about that anymore.
1108
00:31:41,862 --> 00:31:44,931
Surprise, Jen.
1109
00:31:44,931 --> 00:31:46,482
I just needed a platform to say
1110
00:31:46,482 --> 00:31:49,482
some things.
1111
00:31:49,482 --> 00:31:51,482
I'’m more about information now.
1112
00:31:51,482 --> 00:31:52,482
Listen, young girls,
1113
00:31:52,482 --> 00:31:53,482
there'’s still hope.
1114
00:31:53,482 --> 00:31:54,482
Listen...
1115
00:31:54,482 --> 00:31:55,655
For you.
1116
00:31:55,655 --> 00:31:56,758
Here-Here'’s what I know.
1117
00:31:56,758 --> 00:31:57,793
I'’ve spent a lot of time with
1118
00:31:57,793 --> 00:31:58,793
men.
1119
00:31:58,793 --> 00:31:59,655
I'’ve studied these chimps like
1120
00:31:59,655 --> 00:32:00,965
Jane Goodall.
1121
00:32:00,965 --> 00:32:02,448
I'’m a female comic and a bit of
1122
00:32:02,448 --> 00:32:03,655
a whore, so I know what I'’m
1123
00:32:03,655 --> 00:32:04,689
talking about.
1124
00:32:04,689 --> 00:32:05,689
I'’m not...
1125
00:32:05,689 --> 00:32:06,689
And... I shouldn'’t say "whore."
1126
00:32:06,689 --> 00:32:07,689
I'’m...
1127
00:32:07,689 --> 00:32:08,689
When...
1128
00:32:08,689 --> 00:32:09,689
If you make it to 46 years old
1129
00:32:09,689 --> 00:32:10,689
without getting married and
1130
00:32:10,689 --> 00:32:11,862
having children, you'’ll
1131
00:32:11,862 --> 00:32:13,034
accidentally fuck a lot of
1132
00:32:13,034 --> 00:32:14,034
people.
1133
00:32:14,034 --> 00:32:17,517
It'’s just a fact.
1134
00:32:17,517 --> 00:32:18,517
There'’s nothing standing in the
1135
00:32:18,517 --> 00:32:19,517
way.
1136
00:32:19,517 --> 00:32:21,000
You'’ll just... you'll fuck them.
1137
00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:22,000
They'’ll be there, they'll know
1138
00:32:22,000 --> 00:32:23,000
that you fucked people.
1139
00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:24,482
They'’ll expect it, and you'll,
1140
00:32:24,482 --> 00:32:26,655
"Eh..."
1141
00:32:26,655 --> 00:32:27,655
Men are easy.
1142
00:32:27,655 --> 00:32:28,655
If I could teach you anything,
1143
00:32:28,655 --> 00:32:29,655
they'’re e...
1144
00:32:29,655 --> 00:32:30,655
Look at them with their balls
1145
00:32:30,655 --> 00:32:31,655
out.
1146
00:32:31,655 --> 00:32:32,482
This is not the posture of a
1147
00:32:32,482 --> 00:32:33,482
complicated person.
1148
00:32:33,482 --> 00:32:34,482
That'’s the posture of a
1149
00:32:34,482 --> 00:32:36,482
Labrador.
1150
00:32:36,482 --> 00:32:37,827
A big fucking dog that just
1151
00:32:37,827 --> 00:32:39,034
wants to sit in the sun and
1152
00:32:39,034 --> 00:32:40,241
think, "sun."
1153
00:32:40,241 --> 00:32:41,241
That'’s it.
1154
00:32:41,241 --> 00:32:42,241
[chuckles]
1155
00:32:42,241 --> 00:32:43,689
"My ears are heavy."
1156
00:32:43,689 --> 00:32:44,724
That'’s as complicated as it
1157
00:32:44,724 --> 00:32:45,724
gets.
1158
00:32:45,724 --> 00:32:48,413
So, when we put makeup on, when
1159
00:32:48,413 --> 00:32:49,862
you worry about... you'’re doing
1160
00:32:49,862 --> 00:32:50,862
that for yourself, not for men.
1161
00:32:50,862 --> 00:32:51,862
They don'’t care.
1162
00:32:51,862 --> 00:32:52,896
This guy would fuck you with
1163
00:32:52,896 --> 00:32:53,896
chips in your hair.
1164
00:32:53,896 --> 00:32:54,896
He doesn'’t care.
1165
00:32:54,896 --> 00:32:57,034
"That one comes with snacks.
1166
00:32:57,034 --> 00:33:00,655
I'’m going for her."
1167
00:33:00,655 --> 00:33:01,965
Let'’s end on one more piece of
1168
00:33:01,965 --> 00:33:03,000
information.
1169
00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:04,000
Something that'’s been bothering
1170
00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:05,000
the fuck out of me.
1171
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:06,000
This is true.
1172
00:33:06,000 --> 00:33:09,137
Sex etiquette.
1173
00:33:09,137 --> 00:33:12,965
Guys, listen to Auntie Lynne.
1174
00:33:12,965 --> 00:33:14,310
'’Cause I'm an auntie.
1175
00:33:14,310 --> 00:33:15,655
An auntie cares about you.
1176
00:33:15,655 --> 00:33:16,862
A mother wants to sugarcoat
1177
00:33:16,862 --> 00:33:18,275
shit, you know?
1178
00:33:18,275 --> 00:33:19,724
Your mother has to raise you.
1179
00:33:19,724 --> 00:33:21,448
She has to try and make life
1180
00:33:21,448 --> 00:33:23,103
soft, so she tells you, like,
1181
00:33:23,103 --> 00:33:25,517
"Yes, childbirth is painful, but
1182
00:33:25,517 --> 00:33:26,517
it'’s worth it.
1183
00:33:26,517 --> 00:33:27,517
You forget."
1184
00:33:27,517 --> 00:33:29,034
And your auntie will say, "You
1185
00:33:29,034 --> 00:33:30,068
poop a little, just so you
1186
00:33:30,068 --> 00:33:31,068
know.
1187
00:33:31,068 --> 00:33:32,137
Just a little bit, it happens.
1188
00:33:32,137 --> 00:33:33,241
In front of a stranger.
1189
00:33:33,241 --> 00:33:36,241
You don'’t know the doctor.
1190
00:33:36,241 --> 00:33:37,241
Yes, you'’re with it, but is
1191
00:33:37,241 --> 00:33:38,241
your brother?
1192
00:33:38,241 --> 00:33:40,413
Think about it."
1193
00:33:40,413 --> 00:33:42,275
Now, listen to me.
1194
00:33:42,275 --> 00:33:44,241
Men, this noise...
1195
00:33:44,241 --> 00:33:47,344
[gagging]
1196
00:33:47,344 --> 00:33:49,275
Never a good noise.
1197
00:33:49,275 --> 00:33:51,448
In the history of noises-- I'’ve
1198
00:33:51,448 --> 00:33:52,827
been all over the fucking
1199
00:33:52,827 --> 00:33:54,000
globe-- it never...
1200
00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:55,448
All over the world.
1201
00:33:55,448 --> 00:33:57,413
It'’s a universal bad gagging
1202
00:33:57,413 --> 00:33:58,620
noise.
1203
00:33:58,620 --> 00:33:59,620
It means I'’m gonna vomit.
1204
00:33:59,620 --> 00:34:00,965
Anytime you hear...
1205
00:34:00,965 --> 00:34:02,965
Anytime you hear...
[gagging]
1206
00:34:02,965 --> 00:34:05,206
[gagging]
1207
00:34:05,206 --> 00:34:07,827
Never does it mean we should
1208
00:34:07,827 --> 00:34:11,241
press the head down-- it'’s
1209
00:34:11,241 --> 00:34:14,172
making this noise-- and hold it.
1210
00:34:14,172 --> 00:34:15,517
If your cat was making that
1211
00:34:15,517 --> 00:34:17,551
noise, if...
1212
00:34:17,551 --> 00:34:20,275
[gagging, coughing]
1213
00:34:20,275 --> 00:34:21,275
Who...
1214
00:34:21,275 --> 00:34:22,724
Would anyone in here be, like,
1215
00:34:22,724 --> 00:34:23,931
"Yeah, oh, shove the cat'’s face
1216
00:34:23,931 --> 00:34:25,000
in the carpet.
1217
00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:26,379
Hold that face, and...
1218
00:34:26,379 --> 00:34:27,379
Oh, it'’s eating something?
1219
00:34:27,379 --> 00:34:28,379
Even better.
1220
00:34:28,379 --> 00:34:29,344
Tell it to eat it.
1221
00:34:29,344 --> 00:34:30,551
Tell it, eat the whole treat!
1222
00:34:30,551 --> 00:34:31,862
Eat the whole treat!
1223
00:34:31,862 --> 00:34:33,586
Take it.
1224
00:34:33,586 --> 00:34:36,448
You love it."
1225
00:34:36,448 --> 00:34:38,586
It'’s the rudest fucking thing.
1226
00:34:38,586 --> 00:34:39,862
The first time it happened to
1227
00:34:39,862 --> 00:34:41,103
me, I was in college, and I
1228
00:34:41,103 --> 00:34:42,103
remember, I made the noise
1229
00:34:42,103 --> 00:34:43,103
'’cause women like to
1230
00:34:43,103 --> 00:34:44,103
communicate.
1231
00:34:44,103 --> 00:34:45,103
I was...
1232
00:34:45,103 --> 00:34:46,103
[gagging]
1233
00:34:46,103 --> 00:34:47,137
And I did.
1234
00:34:47,137 --> 00:34:48,137
A little polite.
1235
00:34:48,137 --> 00:34:49,172
Like, um, "There'’s a little
1236
00:34:49,172 --> 00:34:50,517
vomit happening here."
1237
00:34:50,517 --> 00:34:52,448
And what happens?
1238
00:34:52,448 --> 00:34:53,965
You feel the hand get tighter.
1239
00:34:53,965 --> 00:34:55,620
And I thought, "Oh, perhaps he
1240
00:34:55,620 --> 00:34:56,827
doesn'’t love me the way I think
1241
00:34:56,827 --> 00:34:59,103
did."
1242
00:34:59,103 --> 00:35:01,000
So now I start making a noise
1243
00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:02,000
like something from a fucking
1244
00:35:02,000 --> 00:35:03,000
jungle.
1245
00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:04,000
Like...
1246
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:06,137
[loud gagging]
1247
00:35:06,137 --> 00:35:07,586
And it just gets tighter and
1248
00:35:07,586 --> 00:35:08,586
strong...
1249
00:35:08,586 --> 00:35:09,586
So fucking rude.
1250
00:35:09,586 --> 00:35:11,517
It'’s so rude and annoying to me.
1251
00:35:11,517 --> 00:35:12,620
Guys, I don'’t care what you
1252
00:35:12,620 --> 00:35:13,620
think.
1253
00:35:13,620 --> 00:35:14,793
You watch porn, it'’s fucked your
1254
00:35:14,793 --> 00:35:15,931
brains, and you think that it
1255
00:35:15,931 --> 00:35:18,517
means that you have a huge cock.
1256
00:35:18,517 --> 00:35:20,034
Let'’s say, in best case
1257
00:35:20,034 --> 00:35:21,758
scenario, that is what it means.
1258
00:35:21,758 --> 00:35:24,206
Why would you hold something
1259
00:35:24,206 --> 00:35:26,896
down that'’s being choked by your
1260
00:35:26,896 --> 00:35:28,896
down that'’s being choked by your
enormous cock?
1261
00:35:28,896 --> 00:35:31,275
enormous cock?
1262
00:35:31,275 --> 00:35:32,551
It'’s aggravating 'cause it'’s a
1263
00:35:32,551 --> 00:35:34,034
double standard.
1264
00:35:34,034 --> 00:35:35,724
If they were doing their
1265
00:35:35,724 --> 00:35:37,586
business on us, and they made
1266
00:35:37,586 --> 00:35:39,586
any kind of disparaging noise,
1267
00:35:39,586 --> 00:35:40,827
any kind of...
1268
00:35:40,827 --> 00:35:42,482
[quiet groan]
1269
00:35:42,482 --> 00:35:43,482
[laughs]
1270
00:35:43,482 --> 00:35:44,482
Well, that would be horrible if
1271
00:35:44,482 --> 00:35:45,482
they made that noise, but you
1272
00:35:45,482 --> 00:35:46,482
know what I mean.
1273
00:35:46,482 --> 00:35:47,896
Anything that suggested things
1274
00:35:47,896 --> 00:35:49,517
weren'’t quite as pleasant as
1275
00:35:49,517 --> 00:35:51,103
they could be, we would freak
1276
00:35:51,103 --> 00:35:52,206
out.
1277
00:35:52,206 --> 00:35:53,206
That'’s how women are.
1278
00:35:53,206 --> 00:35:54,206
We would stop everything.
1279
00:35:54,206 --> 00:35:55,206
"Oh, my God, what happened?
1280
00:35:55,206 --> 00:35:56,724
Am I not fresh?
1281
00:35:56,724 --> 00:35:57,793
Come up here.
1282
00:35:57,793 --> 00:35:58,758
I'’m so sorry.
1283
00:35:58,758 --> 00:35:59,758
I-I went to...
1284
00:35:59,758 --> 00:36:00,758
showered right after the gym.
1285
00:36:00,758 --> 00:36:01,758
I'’ll make you a sandwich.
1286
00:36:01,758 --> 00:36:02,758
I'’m sorry, I'm sorry, I'’m
1287
00:36:02,758 --> 00:36:03,793
sorry."
1288
00:36:03,793 --> 00:36:05,793
No!
1289
00:36:05,793 --> 00:36:08,000
We all have to band together.
1290
00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:09,000
Here'’s what I say we do.
1291
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:12,103
Anytime you hear the noise, any
1292
00:36:12,103 --> 00:36:13,241
kind of noise, I want you to
1293
00:36:13,241 --> 00:36:15,413
stop everything and just fucking
1294
00:36:15,413 --> 00:36:18,724
hol... just lock him in.
1295
00:36:18,724 --> 00:36:20,068
If you want, if you don'’t feel
1296
00:36:20,068 --> 00:36:21,379
like a lady, you can scream
1297
00:36:21,379 --> 00:36:22,517
something like, "I'’m sorry.
1298
00:36:22,517 --> 00:36:24,068
You started this.
1299
00:36:24,068 --> 00:36:25,379
You have to finish."
1300
00:36:25,379 --> 00:36:26,655
And, fuck, just lock him in.
1301
00:36:26,655 --> 00:36:28,206
Hold him. He'’ll struggle.
1302
00:36:28,206 --> 00:36:29,379
Trust me, I'’ve done it.
1303
00:36:29,379 --> 00:36:30,517
He'’ll struggle like a cat in a
1304
00:36:30,517 --> 00:36:31,965
fucking bag.
1305
00:36:31,965 --> 00:36:33,689
Hold him in.
1306
00:36:33,689 --> 00:36:37,000
"No, finish!"
1307
00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:38,000
When he comes up, just get out
1308
00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:39,000
of the way, '’cause he's gonna
1309
00:36:39,000 --> 00:36:40,482
come up spitting and twitching.
1310
00:36:40,482 --> 00:36:41,482
"You crazy bitch, you covered up
1311
00:36:41,482 --> 00:36:42,620
my nose holes!
1312
00:36:42,620 --> 00:36:43,620
You chipped a tooth!
1313
00:36:43,620 --> 00:36:44,758
You'’re a crazy bitch!"
1314
00:36:44,758 --> 00:36:46,172
Be a lady.
1315
00:36:46,172 --> 00:36:47,758
Look him right in the face.
1316
00:36:47,758 --> 00:36:49,689
"You know you loved it."
1317
00:36:49,689 --> 00:36:51,068
Good night. Thank you!
1318
00:36:51,068 --> 00:36:52,862
Jenny!
1319
00:36:52,862 --> 00:36:53,862
Mwah!
1320
00:36:53,862 --> 00:36:56,068
>> JENNY: Love you!
1321
00:36:56,068 --> 00:36:57,793
Lynne!
1322
00:36:57,793 --> 00:37:00,413
My next video has three words:
1323
00:37:00,413 --> 00:37:04,034
My next video has three words:
walk of shame.
1324
00:37:04,034 --> 00:37:08,655
walk of shame.
1325
00:37:08,655 --> 00:37:12,103
[gasps]
1326
00:37:12,103 --> 00:37:14,068
[whispers]: Fuck.
1327
00:37:14,068 --> 00:37:16,068
[whispers]: Fuck.
[sighs]
1328
00:37:16,068 --> 00:37:31,724
[sighs]
1329
00:37:31,724 --> 00:37:33,344
[dog growls]
1330
00:37:33,344 --> 00:37:34,793
Shh.
1331
00:37:34,793 --> 00:37:36,482
[whispers]
1332
00:37:36,482 --> 00:37:38,482
[whispers]
[barking]
1333
00:37:38,482 --> 00:37:50,034
[barking]
1334
00:37:50,034 --> 00:37:51,379
>> DRIVER: Hello.
1335
00:37:51,379 --> 00:37:53,137
>> JENNY: Oh, God. Hi.
1336
00:37:53,137 --> 00:37:54,137
>> DRIVER: Where are we going
1337
00:37:54,137 --> 00:37:55,172
to?
1338
00:37:55,172 --> 00:37:58,172
>> JENNY: Two fours... [mumbles]
1339
00:37:58,172 --> 00:38:00,379
Regency?
1340
00:38:00,379 --> 00:38:02,448
>> DRIVER: What?
1341
00:38:02,448 --> 00:38:06,068
>> JENNY: Fort... Forty-s...
1342
00:38:06,068 --> 00:38:09,517
44... Second and Regency?
1343
00:38:09,517 --> 00:38:11,758
Just go. Just drive, just drive.
1344
00:38:11,758 --> 00:38:12,758
>> DRIVER: All right.
1345
00:38:12,758 --> 00:38:14,758
>> DRIVER: All right.
>> JENNY: Just, you know, sh...
1346
00:38:14,758 --> 00:38:21,275
>> JENNY: Just, you know, sh...
1347
00:38:21,275 --> 00:38:23,000
>> DRIVER: You want to call
1348
00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:25,000
>> DRIVER: You want to call
someone coming out of this?
1349
00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:27,068
someone coming out of this?
1350
00:38:27,068 --> 00:38:28,172
[groans]
1351
00:38:28,172 --> 00:38:29,931
Give me an exact address, ma'’am.
1352
00:38:29,931 --> 00:38:30,931
>> JENNY: Can you stop for a
1353
00:38:30,931 --> 00:38:31,931
second?
1354
00:38:31,931 --> 00:38:32,931
>> DRIVER: Right here?
1355
00:38:32,931 --> 00:38:34,000
>> JENNY: Just right here.
1356
00:38:34,000 --> 00:38:36,000
>> JENNY: Just right here.
Just stop for a second.
1357
00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:39,448
Just stop for a second.
1358
00:38:39,448 --> 00:38:41,448
Just stop for a second.
[retching]
1359
00:38:41,448 --> 00:38:48,551
[retching]
1360
00:38:48,551 --> 00:38:51,000
Go! Go, go!
1361
00:38:51,000 --> 00:38:52,965
Go, go, go!
1362
00:38:52,965 --> 00:38:56,310
[groaning]
1363
00:38:56,310 --> 00:38:58,310
>> DRIVER: Oh, God.
1364
00:38:58,310 --> 00:38:59,655
>> JENNY: Okay, stop.
1365
00:38:59,655 --> 00:39:00,827
>> DRIVER: Where?
1366
00:39:00,827 --> 00:39:02,482
>> JENNY: I live... No, I don'’t
1367
00:39:02,482 --> 00:39:03,482
live there.
1368
00:39:03,482 --> 00:39:07,000
Keep going.
1369
00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:08,689
Okay, make a right.
1370
00:39:08,689 --> 00:39:10,068
>> DRIVER: A right?
1371
00:39:10,068 --> 00:39:12,896
>> JENNY: Uh-huh.
1372
00:39:12,896 --> 00:39:13,896
>> DRIVER: Ma'’am, it's a dead
1373
00:39:13,896 --> 00:39:14,896
end.
1374
00:39:14,896 --> 00:39:15,931
Ma'’am, so what are you talking
1375
00:39:15,931 --> 00:39:16,965
about?
1376
00:39:16,965 --> 00:39:18,586
>> JENNY: Are we there yet?
1377
00:39:18,586 --> 00:39:20,586
>> DRIVER: Where?
1378
00:39:20,586 --> 00:39:22,896
So, we'’re taking a right? Left?
1379
00:39:22,896 --> 00:39:24,000
We'’re going where, ma'am?
1380
00:39:24,000 --> 00:39:26,931
We'’re going where, ma'am?
>> JENNY: Just take me anywhere.
1381
00:39:26,931 --> 00:39:34,655
>> JENNY: Just take me anywhere.
1382
00:39:34,655 --> 00:39:37,620
Fuck.
1383
00:39:37,620 --> 00:39:38,827
Oh, come on.
1384
00:39:38,827 --> 00:39:39,827
Who hasn'’t fucked a taxi driver
1385
00:39:39,827 --> 00:39:42,551
before?
1386
00:39:42,551 --> 00:39:43,724
My pussy tasted like curry for a
1387
00:39:43,724 --> 00:39:46,137
month.
1388
00:39:46,137 --> 00:39:49,206
Smell it still?
1389
00:39:49,206 --> 00:39:50,689
Our next comic is based out of
1390
00:39:50,689 --> 00:39:51,931
Los Angeles.
1391
00:39:51,931 --> 00:39:53,000
She'’s here performing for the
1392
00:39:53,000 --> 00:39:55,586
first time standing up.
1393
00:39:55,586 --> 00:39:58,241
first time standing up.
Give it up for Paula Bel.
1394
00:39:58,241 --> 00:40:03,310
Give it up for Paula Bel.
1395
00:40:03,310 --> 00:40:05,379
Give it up for Paula Bel.
[crowd cheering]
1396
00:40:05,379 --> 00:40:07,793
[crowd cheering]
1397
00:40:07,793 --> 00:40:08,793
>> PAULA BEL: Oh, my God, look
1398
00:40:08,793 --> 00:40:09,793
at this.
1399
00:40:09,793 --> 00:40:11,965
Only in Vegas, men with women.
1400
00:40:11,965 --> 00:40:14,172
Who started this new trend?
1401
00:40:14,172 --> 00:40:15,689
I heard some old women, "Oh, my
1402
00:40:15,689 --> 00:40:16,689
God, we'’re gonna go see Thunder
1403
00:40:16,689 --> 00:40:18,551
Road" or whatever the fuck.
1404
00:40:18,551 --> 00:40:19,551
I'’m like, "Really?
1405
00:40:19,551 --> 00:40:22,206
A bunch of gay guys dancing?
1406
00:40:22,206 --> 00:40:23,827
I could stay in West Hollywood
1407
00:40:23,827 --> 00:40:25,931
for that shit."
1408
00:40:25,931 --> 00:40:27,275
My apartment building'’s infested
1409
00:40:27,275 --> 00:40:29,413
with gay men.
1410
00:40:29,413 --> 00:40:31,724
They'’re like cockroaches.
1411
00:40:31,724 --> 00:40:33,448
They multiply like roaches.
1412
00:40:33,448 --> 00:40:35,448
Two go in, three come out.
1413
00:40:35,448 --> 00:40:37,310
What the fuck is that?
1414
00:40:37,310 --> 00:40:38,310
Where'’d the little one come
1415
00:40:38,310 --> 00:40:40,482
from?
1416
00:40:40,482 --> 00:40:41,758
Whose ass did he just fly out
1417
00:40:41,758 --> 00:40:43,827
of?
1418
00:40:43,827 --> 00:40:47,275
How high am I?
1419
00:40:47,275 --> 00:40:49,344
I don'’t hate gay people.
1420
00:40:49,344 --> 00:40:52,103
I just don'’t like gay men.
1421
00:40:52,103 --> 00:40:54,310
They'’re always happy.
1422
00:40:54,310 --> 00:40:55,310
You ever see a sad one?
1423
00:40:55,310 --> 00:40:57,793
One sad gay dude in the back of
1424
00:40:57,793 --> 00:40:59,103
the bar crying in his Heineken
1425
00:40:59,103 --> 00:41:01,068
over some bad dick.
1426
00:41:01,068 --> 00:41:02,793
You ever see it?!
1427
00:41:02,793 --> 00:41:03,793
You never will.
1428
00:41:03,793 --> 00:41:04,793
They'’re always singing and
1429
00:41:04,793 --> 00:41:05,896
dancing.
1430
00:41:05,896 --> 00:41:07,793
Why are they so happy?
1431
00:41:07,793 --> 00:41:09,172
I fuck men.
1432
00:41:09,172 --> 00:41:12,620
Do I look happy tonight?
1433
00:41:12,620 --> 00:41:14,172
Where'’s that dick that's so off
1434
00:41:14,172 --> 00:41:15,586
the chain I'’m gonna join a
1435
00:41:15,586 --> 00:41:17,206
parade?
1436
00:41:17,206 --> 00:41:18,758
Fuck yeah.
1437
00:41:18,758 --> 00:41:21,275
That was incredible.
1438
00:41:21,275 --> 00:41:24,551
That was incredible.
Stick it right up my ass.
1439
00:41:24,551 --> 00:41:26,965
Stick it right up my ass.
1440
00:41:26,965 --> 00:41:28,448
You fucking young chicks kill
1441
00:41:28,448 --> 00:41:30,655
me.
1442
00:41:30,655 --> 00:41:31,724
You know what'’s so funny about
1443
00:41:31,724 --> 00:41:33,379
you?
1444
00:41:33,379 --> 00:41:35,482
In 20 years, you'’re me.
1445
00:41:35,482 --> 00:41:36,931
[laughs]
1446
00:41:36,931 --> 00:41:39,586
Drink up, sluts!
1447
00:41:39,586 --> 00:41:41,103
Fuck.
1448
00:41:41,103 --> 00:41:43,172
I sit in my apartment all day.
1449
00:41:43,172 --> 00:41:44,206
I just hide.
1450
00:41:44,206 --> 00:41:45,793
I watch television.
1451
00:41:45,793 --> 00:41:46,793
You men, you have it all.
1452
00:41:46,793 --> 00:41:47,793
In my next life, I just want to
1453
00:41:47,793 --> 00:41:48,793
be a man.
1454
00:41:48,793 --> 00:41:49,862
I swear.
1455
00:41:49,862 --> 00:41:51,068
I just want to sit around and
1456
00:41:51,068 --> 00:41:52,275
scratch my ball sack and watch
1457
00:41:52,275 --> 00:41:54,551
sports.
1458
00:41:54,551 --> 00:41:55,724
You guys have everything.
1459
00:41:55,724 --> 00:41:56,931
All of Vegas, all of this is
1460
00:41:56,931 --> 00:41:58,137
entertainment for you-- the
1461
00:41:58,137 --> 00:41:59,689
girls, the fucking gambling.
1462
00:41:59,689 --> 00:42:00,931
We have nothing.
1463
00:42:00,931 --> 00:42:02,206
I have to watch sports because
1464
00:42:02,206 --> 00:42:03,965
there'’s nothing for women to
1465
00:42:03,965 --> 00:42:05,517
watch.
1466
00:42:05,517 --> 00:42:07,655
So now I watch golf, golf, golf.
1467
00:42:07,655 --> 00:42:08,862
That'’s what I'm into.
1468
00:42:08,862 --> 00:42:10,206
Tiger Woods.
1469
00:42:10,206 --> 00:42:11,413
They should be applauding Tiger
1470
00:42:11,413 --> 00:42:13,000
Woods, what he did for that
1471
00:42:13,000 --> 00:42:14,379
sport.
1472
00:42:14,379 --> 00:42:15,655
Who in this room, before Tiger
1473
00:42:15,655 --> 00:42:19,034
Woods, ever even thought golfers
1474
00:42:19,034 --> 00:42:21,034
Woods, ever even thought golfers
fucked?
1475
00:42:21,034 --> 00:42:23,551
fucked?
1476
00:42:23,551 --> 00:42:25,655
You get older, you'’re just done.
1477
00:42:25,655 --> 00:42:26,655
I'’m just tired.
1478
00:42:26,655 --> 00:42:27,655
Everybody, "What do you do all
1479
00:42:27,655 --> 00:42:28,655
day?
1480
00:42:28,655 --> 00:42:29,655
What'’d you do in your hotel
1481
00:42:29,655 --> 00:42:30,655
room?
1482
00:42:30,655 --> 00:42:31,655
We didn'’t see you."
1483
00:42:31,655 --> 00:42:32,862
You don'’t see me because I'm
1484
00:42:32,862 --> 00:42:34,758
inside my fucking hotel room
1485
00:42:34,758 --> 00:42:36,103
plucking my chin hair so I don'’t
1486
00:42:36,103 --> 00:42:38,034
look like Nick fucking Nolte
1487
00:42:38,034 --> 00:42:40,034
look like Nick fucking Nolte
tonight!
1488
00:42:40,034 --> 00:42:42,689
tonight!
1489
00:42:42,689 --> 00:42:44,137
Only when you get older, you
1490
00:42:44,137 --> 00:42:46,896
realize how rude people are.
1491
00:42:46,896 --> 00:42:48,068
Strangers.
1492
00:42:48,068 --> 00:42:49,724
I was standing outside and this
1493
00:42:49,724 --> 00:42:51,620
crackhead came out of nowhere.
1494
00:42:51,620 --> 00:42:54,379
I have my regular face on.
1495
00:42:54,379 --> 00:42:56,551
And she says, "Smile!
1496
00:42:56,551 --> 00:42:59,344
Smile!"
1497
00:42:59,344 --> 00:43:00,344
And I go, "Why? So you can
1498
00:43:00,344 --> 00:43:01,655
remember what a full set of
1499
00:43:01,655 --> 00:43:02,793
teeth look like?
1500
00:43:02,793 --> 00:43:06,241
Get the fuck out of here!"
1501
00:43:06,241 --> 00:43:09,551
It'’s too much, getting old.
1502
00:43:09,551 --> 00:43:11,068
God, everybody'’s so rude.
1503
00:43:11,068 --> 00:43:13,275
"Oh, my God, look how big your
1504
00:43:13,275 --> 00:43:16,137
text is on your iPhone.
1505
00:43:16,137 --> 00:43:18,034
Oh, my God.
1506
00:43:18,034 --> 00:43:20,482
Why don'’t you just get glasses?"
1507
00:43:20,482 --> 00:43:22,931
"Why don'’t you shut the fuck up?
1508
00:43:22,931 --> 00:43:25,310
Maybe that'’s nature telling me
1509
00:43:25,310 --> 00:43:27,310
Maybe that'’s nature telling me
I'’ve seen enough shit!"
1510
00:43:27,310 --> 00:43:29,551
I'’ve seen enough shit!"
1511
00:43:29,551 --> 00:43:31,000
God, I'’m glad I'm in such a good
1512
00:43:31,000 --> 00:43:34,551
mood tonight.
1513
00:43:34,551 --> 00:43:37,172
mood tonight.
Usually I'’m a real bitch.
1514
00:43:37,172 --> 00:43:39,827
Usually I'’m a real bitch.
1515
00:43:39,827 --> 00:43:41,965
[sighs] I don'’t belong in Vegas.
1516
00:43:41,965 --> 00:43:43,034
This fucking town.
1517
00:43:43,034 --> 00:43:44,344
It'’s all for young people.
1518
00:43:44,344 --> 00:43:45,758
You young girls, you'’re always
1519
00:43:45,758 --> 00:43:46,931
getting fucked up.
1520
00:43:46,931 --> 00:43:47,931
You don'’t know how to handle it.
1521
00:43:47,931 --> 00:43:48,931
You can'’t drink.
1522
00:43:48,931 --> 00:43:49,931
You don'’t know how to control
1523
00:43:49,931 --> 00:43:51,206
your liquor.
1524
00:43:51,206 --> 00:43:52,206
I see '’em out there, and they're
1525
00:43:52,206 --> 00:43:53,206
just barfing at the end of the
1526
00:43:53,206 --> 00:43:54,379
night on the Strip.
1527
00:43:54,379 --> 00:43:56,689
[retching]
1528
00:43:56,689 --> 00:43:59,896
"Oh, my God. [retches]
1529
00:43:59,896 --> 00:44:02,896
"Oh, my God. [retches]
Oh, my God, Rebecca, help me."
1530
00:44:02,896 --> 00:44:04,896
Oh, my God, Rebecca, help me."
1531
00:44:04,896 --> 00:44:06,034
You'’re a disgrace to true
1532
00:44:06,034 --> 00:44:08,379
alcoholics.
1533
00:44:08,379 --> 00:44:10,827
[crowd whooping]
1534
00:44:10,827 --> 00:44:12,137
Learn how to drink.
1535
00:44:12,137 --> 00:44:13,137
I'’m sick of your little tales of
1536
00:44:13,137 --> 00:44:15,034
woe on the news.
1537
00:44:15,034 --> 00:44:16,379
"Oh, my God.
1538
00:44:16,379 --> 00:44:18,862
I don'’t know what happened.
1539
00:44:18,862 --> 00:44:21,000
We were in Vegas.
1540
00:44:21,000 --> 00:44:22,758
Everything was going great.
1541
00:44:22,758 --> 00:44:24,827
And then some guys showed up and
1542
00:44:24,827 --> 00:44:26,448
they had dicks.
1543
00:44:26,448 --> 00:44:28,103
I don'’t know.
1544
00:44:28,103 --> 00:44:30,448
Somebody tried to rape me."
1545
00:44:30,448 --> 00:44:31,793
Always crying rape, you young
1546
00:44:31,793 --> 00:44:33,034
girls.
1547
00:44:33,034 --> 00:44:35,413
Shut up!
1548
00:44:35,413 --> 00:44:37,413
Shut up!
Start liking it.
1549
00:44:37,413 --> 00:44:39,448
Start liking it.
1550
00:44:39,448 --> 00:44:41,275
You mean to tell me some strange
1551
00:44:41,275 --> 00:44:43,896
man, at my age, is gonna run up
1552
00:44:43,896 --> 00:44:47,000
behind me, fuck me and take off
1553
00:44:47,000 --> 00:44:50,241
laughing?
1554
00:44:50,241 --> 00:44:54,103
That'’s my dream date.
1555
00:44:54,103 --> 00:44:55,344
Are there any rapists here
1556
00:44:55,344 --> 00:44:57,620
tonight?
1557
00:44:57,620 --> 00:44:58,827
Wait out in the lobby.
1558
00:44:58,827 --> 00:45:01,448
I'’ll walk real slow.
1559
00:45:01,448 --> 00:45:03,241
God.
1560
00:45:03,241 --> 00:45:05,172
I should'’ve been a
1561
00:45:05,172 --> 00:45:07,172
I should'’ve been a
schoolteacher.
1562
00:45:07,172 --> 00:45:09,413
schoolteacher.
1563
00:45:09,413 --> 00:45:10,586
I'’d be getting laid left and
1564
00:45:10,586 --> 00:45:13,689
right right now.
1565
00:45:13,689 --> 00:45:14,931
You know it'’s true.
1566
00:45:14,931 --> 00:45:16,482
They'’re running amok.
1567
00:45:16,482 --> 00:45:18,793
There'’s a reason why, too.
1568
00:45:18,793 --> 00:45:20,344
God, when I went to school, boys
1569
00:45:20,344 --> 00:45:21,965
were, like, pin-chested,
1570
00:45:21,965 --> 00:45:23,620
pimple-faced geeks.
1571
00:45:23,620 --> 00:45:25,344
Nobody wanted to fuck them.
1572
00:45:25,344 --> 00:45:26,655
Now, because of all the hormones
1573
00:45:26,655 --> 00:45:28,172
in the milk and the cheese,
1574
00:45:28,172 --> 00:45:30,241
they'’re huge.
1575
00:45:30,241 --> 00:45:31,551
I live across the street from a
1576
00:45:31,551 --> 00:45:32,551
school.
1577
00:45:32,551 --> 00:45:33,551
I watch those sixth graders
1578
00:45:33,551 --> 00:45:35,000
working out.
1579
00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:37,275
They'’re like convicts.
1580
00:45:37,275 --> 00:45:38,655
Out there cracking their necks
1581
00:45:38,655 --> 00:45:40,620
in the sun.
1582
00:45:40,620 --> 00:45:43,448
They look delicious.
1583
00:45:43,448 --> 00:45:46,000
You couldn'’t put me, at my age,
1584
00:45:46,000 --> 00:45:48,413
in front of a classroom full of
1585
00:45:48,413 --> 00:45:50,482
young, hot, hard-bodied boys
1586
00:45:50,482 --> 00:45:53,103
raising their dumb hands.
1587
00:45:53,103 --> 00:45:54,379
I'’d fuck the shit out of your
1588
00:45:54,379 --> 00:45:57,965
kids.
1589
00:45:57,965 --> 00:45:59,275
That'’s what you get for leaving
1590
00:45:59,275 --> 00:46:01,517
'’em here for eight hours.
1591
00:46:01,517 --> 00:46:02,827
There'’s only 26 letters in the
1592
00:46:02,827 --> 00:46:03,827
alphabet.
1593
00:46:03,827 --> 00:46:04,827
How long was that supposed to
1594
00:46:04,827 --> 00:46:08,068
fucking take?
1595
00:46:08,068 --> 00:46:12,034
I'’d be a hooker, but they walk.
1596
00:46:12,034 --> 00:46:13,827
God, out there in West Hollywood
1597
00:46:13,827 --> 00:46:14,827
on Sunset, those hookers out
1598
00:46:14,827 --> 00:46:15,827
there.
1599
00:46:15,827 --> 00:46:16,827
There was one in front of my
1600
00:46:16,827 --> 00:46:17,931
house for years.
1601
00:46:17,931 --> 00:46:19,103
She had a broken shoe.
1602
00:46:19,103 --> 00:46:20,103
She'’s just pissed off at the
1603
00:46:20,103 --> 00:46:22,689
world.
1604
00:46:22,689 --> 00:46:24,931
I almost hit her with the car.
1605
00:46:24,931 --> 00:46:27,206
I said, "Sit down!
1606
00:46:27,206 --> 00:46:29,758
You are selling ass, not Avon.
1607
00:46:29,758 --> 00:46:31,655
What are you, a Jehovah
1608
00:46:31,655 --> 00:46:33,000
Witness whore?
1609
00:46:33,000 --> 00:46:34,344
Sit down."
1610
00:46:34,344 --> 00:46:35,896
God, I'’d sell my ass, but I
1611
00:46:35,896 --> 00:46:37,724
wouldn'’t walk anywhere.
1612
00:46:37,724 --> 00:46:39,551
Somebody get me a beach chair or
1613
00:46:39,551 --> 00:46:41,000
a stool.
1614
00:46:41,000 --> 00:46:43,172
Bring me a Coke!
1615
00:46:43,172 --> 00:46:45,172
I'’m sucking cock out here!
1616
00:46:45,172 --> 00:46:47,103
It'’s 100 degrees.
1617
00:46:47,103 --> 00:46:49,000
I have a pimp chasing me.
1618
00:46:49,000 --> 00:46:50,793
I'’m parched.
1619
00:46:50,793 --> 00:46:52,931
[coughs]
1620
00:46:52,931 --> 00:46:55,310
I need a soda.
1621
00:46:55,310 --> 00:46:56,655
You ever suck a dick, little
1622
00:46:56,655 --> 00:47:00,172
boy?
1623
00:47:00,172 --> 00:47:01,896
It is not for the weak or the
1624
00:47:01,896 --> 00:47:03,896
timid.
1625
00:47:03,896 --> 00:47:07,068
[crowd cheering]
1626
00:47:07,068 --> 00:47:09,103
I'’d make so much money.
1627
00:47:09,103 --> 00:47:10,103
There'’s always traffic.
1628
00:47:10,103 --> 00:47:11,655
God, if I was young.
1629
00:47:11,655 --> 00:47:12,655
If I looked like you girls, with
1630
00:47:12,655 --> 00:47:13,724
your tits out and your pussies
1631
00:47:13,724 --> 00:47:16,275
just fucking waving in the wind,
1632
00:47:16,275 --> 00:47:17,931
I'’d just be out there selling
1633
00:47:17,931 --> 00:47:20,344
it.
1634
00:47:20,344 --> 00:47:21,793
I'’d get a little Razor scooter
1635
00:47:21,793 --> 00:47:23,793
I'’d get a little Razor scooter
and just be like...
1636
00:47:23,793 --> 00:47:25,896
and just be like...
1637
00:47:25,896 --> 00:47:27,620
Ding, ding. "Pussy!
1638
00:47:27,620 --> 00:47:28,620
Let'’s go."
1639
00:47:28,620 --> 00:47:29,620
Thanks for having me.
1640
00:47:29,620 --> 00:47:30,620
Good night.
1641
00:47:30,620 --> 00:47:31,620
>> JENNY: Give it up for Paula
1642
00:47:31,620 --> 00:47:33,413
Bel!
1643
00:47:33,413 --> 00:47:36,344
[crowd cheering]
1644
00:47:36,344 --> 00:47:37,827
My next video, I kind of answer
1645
00:47:37,827 --> 00:47:39,724
the question, "What do women
1646
00:47:39,724 --> 00:47:42,827
really think about during sex?"
1647
00:47:42,827 --> 00:47:43,827
What do you think that is, big
1648
00:47:43,827 --> 00:47:44,827
guy?
1649
00:47:44,827 --> 00:47:46,482
>> MAN: Me, of course.
1650
00:47:46,482 --> 00:47:47,482
>> JENNY [fake laugh]: Oh,
1651
00:47:47,482 --> 00:47:48,655
that'’s so funny.
1652
00:47:48,655 --> 00:47:49,724
I don'’t think so.
1653
00:47:49,724 --> 00:47:51,724
I don'’t think so.
Check this out.
1654
00:47:51,724 --> 00:47:54,620
Check this out.
1655
00:47:54,620 --> 00:47:55,689
>> You like that?
1656
00:47:55,689 --> 00:47:56,689
>> JENNY: Oh, I love it.
1657
00:47:56,689 --> 00:47:57,689
>> You want it harder?
1658
00:47:57,689 --> 00:47:58,689
>> JENNY: Yeah.
1659
00:47:58,689 --> 00:48:00,689
>> Yeah?
1660
00:48:00,689 --> 00:48:02,689
>> Yeah?
[panting]
1661
00:48:02,689 --> 00:48:04,965
[panting]
1662
00:48:04,965 --> 00:48:06,172
>> JENNY: I wonder who invented
1663
00:48:06,172 --> 00:48:07,172
the ceiling fan.
1664
00:48:07,172 --> 00:48:08,206
Hmm.
1665
00:48:08,206 --> 00:48:09,379
Oh, yeah.
1666
00:48:09,379 --> 00:48:11,620
[phone chimes]
1667
00:48:11,620 --> 00:48:12,689
Crap. I missed my hair
1668
00:48:12,689 --> 00:48:14,172
appointment.
1669
00:48:14,172 --> 00:48:16,206
[man moaning]
1670
00:48:16,206 --> 00:48:19,517
Ooh, this is a tough one.
1671
00:48:19,517 --> 00:48:21,000
"Who is the big red dog?"
1672
00:48:21,000 --> 00:48:22,724
Okay, I have chicken.
1673
00:48:22,724 --> 00:48:23,896
I need to pick up some oranges
1674
00:48:23,896 --> 00:48:24,896
and breadcrumbs.
1675
00:48:24,896 --> 00:48:25,931
Oh, and some onions.
1676
00:48:25,931 --> 00:48:26,931
I always forget about the
1677
00:48:26,931 --> 00:48:27,931
onions.
1678
00:48:27,931 --> 00:48:29,000
And chicken'’s gonna take about
1679
00:48:29,000 --> 00:48:30,206
three hours to de-thaw, so I
1680
00:48:30,206 --> 00:48:31,310
have to pull it out of the
1681
00:48:31,310 --> 00:48:32,379
freezer.
1682
00:48:32,379 --> 00:48:33,379
I wish he would hurry up.
1683
00:48:33,379 --> 00:48:34,379
God, I wish he would just come
1684
00:48:34,379 --> 00:48:35,379
already.
1685
00:48:35,379 --> 00:48:36,379
Just come.
1686
00:48:36,379 --> 00:48:37,379
Just fucking come.
1687
00:48:37,379 --> 00:48:38,344
Ugh! I can'’t stand this.
1688
00:48:38,344 --> 00:48:39,379
Fuck, fuck, come, come!
1689
00:48:39,379 --> 00:48:40,310
Just come already!
1690
00:48:40,310 --> 00:48:41,310
Come, come, come, come, come,
1691
00:48:41,310 --> 00:48:42,586
come, come, come.
1692
00:48:42,586 --> 00:48:43,586
[crowd cheering]
1693
00:48:43,586 --> 00:48:45,448
My mom actually said she really
1694
00:48:45,448 --> 00:48:47,000
connected to that video montage
1695
00:48:47,000 --> 00:48:49,275
the most.
1696
00:48:49,275 --> 00:48:50,517
Gross.
1697
00:48:50,517 --> 00:48:52,586
All right, this is it, you guys.
1698
00:48:52,586 --> 00:48:54,275
How are we doing so far?
1699
00:48:54,275 --> 00:48:55,379
[crowd cheering]
1700
00:48:55,379 --> 00:48:56,827
Right?
1701
00:48:56,827 --> 00:48:59,000
This woman is the epitome of
1702
00:48:59,000 --> 00:49:00,172
Dirty Sexy Funny.
1703
00:49:00,172 --> 00:49:01,931
She is a former troubled teen
1704
00:49:01,931 --> 00:49:03,827
from South Central Los Angeles.
1705
00:49:03,827 --> 00:49:05,758
Hide your purses and give it up
1706
00:49:05,758 --> 00:49:07,758
Hide your purses and give it up
for Tiffany Haddish.
1707
00:49:07,758 --> 00:49:12,862
for Tiffany Haddish.
1708
00:49:12,862 --> 00:49:14,862
for Tiffany Haddish.
♪
1709
00:49:14,862 --> 00:49:22,068
♪
1710
00:49:22,068 --> 00:49:24,068
♪
[crowd cheering]
1711
00:49:24,068 --> 00:49:34,000
[crowd cheering]
1712
00:49:34,000 --> 00:49:35,586
[crowd cheering]
1713
00:49:35,586 --> 00:49:36,586
>> TIFFANY HADDISH: Planet
1714
00:49:36,586 --> 00:49:37,586
DJ Laptop.
1715
00:49:37,586 --> 00:49:38,655
Give it up for DJ Laptop in the
1716
00:49:38,655 --> 00:49:40,000
building.
1717
00:49:40,000 --> 00:49:41,275
[crowd cheering]
1718
00:49:41,275 --> 00:49:42,275
He playing all the hits on his
1719
00:49:42,275 --> 00:49:44,551
laptop.
1720
00:49:44,551 --> 00:49:45,551
I want to let y'’all know right
1721
00:49:45,551 --> 00:49:46,620
now I'’ve been looking around the
1722
00:49:46,620 --> 00:49:47,620
room.
1723
00:49:47,620 --> 00:49:48,758
I see that it'’s not anybody in
1724
00:49:48,758 --> 00:49:49,862
here that look like me, and
1725
00:49:49,862 --> 00:49:52,448
that'’s okay.
1726
00:49:52,448 --> 00:49:54,931
It'’s okay, because I'm white.
1727
00:49:54,931 --> 00:49:55,931
I want y'’all to know that.
1728
00:49:55,931 --> 00:49:56,931
I had to renew my driver'’s
1729
00:49:56,931 --> 00:49:58,724
license last year, and I did.
1730
00:49:58,724 --> 00:50:00,068
I put "Caucasian" on there.
1731
00:50:00,068 --> 00:50:01,413
My credit score went up by 300
1732
00:50:01,413 --> 00:50:03,793
points.
1733
00:50:03,793 --> 00:50:05,758
I slept with 86 white men.
1734
00:50:05,758 --> 00:50:07,103
My boyfriend didn'’t leave me.
1735
00:50:07,103 --> 00:50:08,931
It'’s... it's good being a white
1736
00:50:08,931 --> 00:50:09,931
woman.
1737
00:50:09,931 --> 00:50:12,068
I know a lot of you women in
1738
00:50:12,068 --> 00:50:13,000
here are looking at me like,
1739
00:50:13,000 --> 00:50:14,000
"This bitch is too
1740
00:50:14,000 --> 00:50:16,034
motherfucking cute.
1741
00:50:16,034 --> 00:50:17,448
My man wants to fuck her."
1742
00:50:17,448 --> 00:50:19,724
He does.
1743
00:50:19,724 --> 00:50:21,379
But I won'’t.
1744
00:50:21,379 --> 00:50:22,379
I won'’t take your man.
1745
00:50:22,379 --> 00:50:24,000
I won'’t take your man.
1746
00:50:24,000 --> 00:50:25,034
Unless he'’s on a respirator.
1747
00:50:25,034 --> 00:50:27,000
That'’s my style.
1748
00:50:27,000 --> 00:50:28,620
I like '’em old and barely able
1749
00:50:28,620 --> 00:50:30,000
to breathe, '’cause I'm trying to
1750
00:50:30,000 --> 00:50:32,137
get an inheritance.
1751
00:50:32,137 --> 00:50:33,896
I need benefits, bitch.
1752
00:50:33,896 --> 00:50:37,551
This Indian hair ain'’t cheap.
1753
00:50:37,551 --> 00:50:38,620
I'’m walking around here smelling
1754
00:50:38,620 --> 00:50:39,620
like curry.
1755
00:50:39,620 --> 00:50:40,655
Every time, I hear music, I just
1756
00:50:40,655 --> 00:50:41,655
start, like...
1757
00:50:41,655 --> 00:50:42,724
[singing]
1758
00:50:42,724 --> 00:50:43,793
I look like Slumdog Millionaire
1759
00:50:43,793 --> 00:50:44,827
when I start dancing.
1760
00:50:44,827 --> 00:50:47,586
Just...
1761
00:50:47,586 --> 00:50:49,137
It'’s hard being me.
1762
00:50:49,137 --> 00:50:52,034
It'’s not easy being me!
1763
00:50:52,034 --> 00:50:55,448
Constantly sucking in my uterus.
1764
00:50:55,448 --> 00:50:56,689
'’Cause I'm ovulating.
1765
00:50:56,689 --> 00:50:57,793
I'’m horny as hell.
1766
00:50:57,793 --> 00:50:59,827
Who wants some?
1767
00:50:59,827 --> 00:51:01,379
I smell good credit all up in
1768
00:51:01,379 --> 00:51:02,724
this motherfucker.
1769
00:51:02,724 --> 00:51:04,068
I see you, glasses.
1770
00:51:04,068 --> 00:51:06,068
I see you.
1771
00:51:06,068 --> 00:51:07,068
Look like a fucked-up Clark
1772
00:51:07,068 --> 00:51:08,068
Kent.
1773
00:51:08,068 --> 00:51:09,206
I'’m with it.
1774
00:51:09,206 --> 00:51:11,000
But I'’m feeling good tonight.
1775
00:51:11,000 --> 00:51:12,689
I'’m feeling fantastic.
1776
00:51:12,689 --> 00:51:13,689
My baby toe is dead in these
1777
00:51:13,689 --> 00:51:15,310
five-dollar shoes.
1778
00:51:15,310 --> 00:51:16,413
I feel sexy.
1779
00:51:16,413 --> 00:51:17,413
Ladies, you know what I'’m
1780
00:51:17,413 --> 00:51:18,413
talking about.
1781
00:51:18,413 --> 00:51:19,413
You know when you get your
1782
00:51:19,413 --> 00:51:20,517
little cute cheap shoes.
1783
00:51:20,517 --> 00:51:21,517
You'’re like, "These are the
1784
00:51:21,517 --> 00:51:22,517
shoes right here.
1785
00:51:22,517 --> 00:51:23,586
I'’m getting pregnant tonight in
1786
00:51:23,586 --> 00:51:24,586
these.
1787
00:51:24,586 --> 00:51:27,172
Somebody gonna marry me tonight.
1788
00:51:27,172 --> 00:51:28,931
They gonna buy the house."
1789
00:51:28,931 --> 00:51:29,931
My grandma taught me that this
1790
00:51:29,931 --> 00:51:30,931
was a house.
1791
00:51:30,931 --> 00:51:32,000
I'’ll never forget it.
1792
00:51:32,000 --> 00:51:33,206
It was my 18th birthday.
1793
00:51:33,206 --> 00:51:34,310
I wish she would have told me on
1794
00:51:34,310 --> 00:51:35,344
my 16th birthday, '’cause at
1795
00:51:35,344 --> 00:51:36,482
that point, I had been renting
1796
00:51:36,482 --> 00:51:38,482
out the property already.
1797
00:51:38,482 --> 00:51:40,000
And she pulled me to the side,
1798
00:51:40,000 --> 00:51:42,000
And she pulled me to the side,
and she said...
1799
00:51:42,000 --> 00:51:46,068
and she said...
1800
00:51:46,068 --> 00:51:49,034
"Look here, baby girl.
1801
00:51:49,034 --> 00:51:50,896
Now that you'’ve become a woman,
1802
00:51:50,896 --> 00:51:52,000
I want you to think of yourself
1803
00:51:52,000 --> 00:51:53,000
as a house.
1804
00:51:53,000 --> 00:51:54,413
And there'’s one thing you got to
1805
00:51:54,413 --> 00:51:55,517
remember, baby.
1806
00:51:55,517 --> 00:51:57,448
Every man wants to come inside
1807
00:51:57,448 --> 00:52:00,482
your house, but you can'’t be
1808
00:52:00,482 --> 00:52:01,758
having all kind of men going in
1809
00:52:01,758 --> 00:52:03,000
and out your house all the time,
1810
00:52:03,000 --> 00:52:04,000
'’cause that'll bring your
1811
00:52:04,000 --> 00:52:05,586
property value low.
1812
00:52:05,586 --> 00:52:07,034
Mess around and be known as the
1813
00:52:07,034 --> 00:52:08,482
crack house, and you don'’t want
1814
00:52:08,482 --> 00:52:09,586
to be the crack house.
1815
00:52:09,586 --> 00:52:11,000
So, you want to keep the grass
1816
00:52:11,000 --> 00:52:12,379
cut and keep it clean.
1817
00:52:12,379 --> 00:52:13,793
'’Cause you don't want people
1818
00:52:13,793 --> 00:52:15,034
walking by, thinking you got an
1819
00:52:15,034 --> 00:52:16,344
abandoned house.
1820
00:52:16,344 --> 00:52:17,586
And you don'’t want to go out
1821
00:52:17,586 --> 00:52:18,655
late at night getting drunk and
1822
00:52:18,655 --> 00:52:19,793
stuff, '’cause somebody will
1823
00:52:19,793 --> 00:52:20,793
break into your house, baby,
1824
00:52:20,793 --> 00:52:21,793
right through the back door.
1825
00:52:21,793 --> 00:52:22,689
They'’ll break in right through
1826
00:52:22,689 --> 00:52:23,689
the back.
1827
00:52:23,689 --> 00:52:24,620
And that'’ll have you walking
1828
00:52:24,620 --> 00:52:25,620
messed up the next day, talking
1829
00:52:25,620 --> 00:52:27,310
to the police."
1830
00:52:27,310 --> 00:52:29,000
And she said, "Once you find a
1831
00:52:29,000 --> 00:52:30,413
man that loves you and cares
1832
00:52:30,413 --> 00:52:32,965
about you, he'’ll go ahead and
1833
00:52:32,965 --> 00:52:34,517
he'’ll sign that paperwork.
1834
00:52:34,517 --> 00:52:36,172
He'’ll put a ring on your finger,
1835
00:52:36,172 --> 00:52:37,551
and he will buy that house."
1836
00:52:37,551 --> 00:52:38,758
And I just want to know by a
1837
00:52:38,758 --> 00:52:39,931
round of applause, how many
1838
00:52:39,931 --> 00:52:41,379
ladies in here tonight got them
1839
00:52:41,379 --> 00:52:43,344
a husband, AKA homeowner, a
1840
00:52:43,344 --> 00:52:44,689
man that loves you, take care of
1841
00:52:44,689 --> 00:52:45,689
you?
1842
00:52:45,689 --> 00:52:46,724
Make some noise if you got you a
1843
00:52:46,724 --> 00:52:47,862
husband, girl!
1844
00:52:47,862 --> 00:52:49,862
husband, girl!
[crowd cheering]
1845
00:52:49,862 --> 00:52:52,586
[crowd cheering]
1846
00:52:52,586 --> 00:52:54,344
That'’s it?
1847
00:52:54,344 --> 00:52:55,931
So the rest of you heifers in
1848
00:52:55,931 --> 00:52:57,482
here renting to own?
1849
00:52:57,482 --> 00:52:59,000
Just Section-Eighting the
1850
00:52:59,000 --> 00:53:00,827
property out?
1851
00:53:00,827 --> 00:53:02,137
Small Latin family of 15 living
1852
00:53:02,137 --> 00:53:03,344
in there, trying to make ends
1853
00:53:03,344 --> 00:53:04,482
meet?
1854
00:53:04,482 --> 00:53:06,344
Some of the men in here don'’t
1855
00:53:06,344 --> 00:53:07,551
like this joke, '’cause they own
1856
00:53:07,551 --> 00:53:08,827
multiple properties, and they'’re
1857
00:53:08,827 --> 00:53:09,931
having a hard time maintaining
1858
00:53:09,931 --> 00:53:11,827
'’em, and they don't want you to
1859
00:53:11,827 --> 00:53:13,758
know about that shit.
1860
00:53:13,758 --> 00:53:15,517
"Got a condo in South Central,
1861
00:53:15,517 --> 00:53:18,931
bitch, and you live in Utah."
1862
00:53:18,931 --> 00:53:21,896
Ooh, my baby toe is dead.
1863
00:53:21,896 --> 00:53:23,206
I just want to do the rest of
1864
00:53:23,206 --> 00:53:25,000
the show on the side of my feet.
1865
00:53:25,000 --> 00:53:27,344
Just fuck it, just...
1866
00:53:27,344 --> 00:53:29,655
[crowd cheering]
1867
00:53:29,655 --> 00:53:30,655
Ladies, you know what I'’m
1868
00:53:30,655 --> 00:53:31,655
talking about.
1869
00:53:31,655 --> 00:53:32,655
You get the cute shoes, you go
1870
00:53:32,655 --> 00:53:33,655
in the club.
1871
00:53:33,655 --> 00:53:34,655
You'’re like, "This is it right
1872
00:53:34,655 --> 00:53:35,655
here.
1873
00:53:35,655 --> 00:53:36,655
I'’m gonna kill 'em in the club
1874
00:53:36,655 --> 00:53:37,655
tonight."
1875
00:53:37,655 --> 00:53:38,862
You walk in the club like a
1876
00:53:38,862 --> 00:53:40,034
motherfucking unicorn.
1877
00:53:40,034 --> 00:53:41,586
Like you'’re the baddest bitch in
1878
00:53:41,586 --> 00:53:42,586
the universe.
1879
00:53:42,586 --> 00:53:44,586
the universe.
You just... [sputters]
1880
00:53:44,586 --> 00:53:47,000
You just... [sputters]
1881
00:53:47,000 --> 00:53:48,655
[crowd cheering]
1882
00:53:48,655 --> 00:53:50,034
"I'’m the last black unicorn,
1883
00:53:50,034 --> 00:53:52,034
bitch.
1884
00:53:52,034 --> 00:53:53,655
[sputters]
1885
00:53:53,655 --> 00:53:55,000
Look at my shoes!
1886
00:53:55,000 --> 00:53:56,517
Look at my shoes!"
1887
00:53:56,517 --> 00:53:59,172
[sputters]
1888
00:53:59,172 --> 00:54:00,931
You be at the watering hole, the
1889
00:54:00,931 --> 00:54:03,689
bar, just, like...
1890
00:54:03,689 --> 00:54:05,758
[sputters]
1891
00:54:05,758 --> 00:54:06,827
"I think my big toe just fell
1892
00:54:06,827 --> 00:54:09,172
off.
1893
00:54:09,172 --> 00:54:10,413
Just stay at the bar.
1894
00:54:10,413 --> 00:54:11,413
Somebody'’s gonna buy another
1895
00:54:11,413 --> 00:54:13,517
drink to numb that.
1896
00:54:13,517 --> 00:54:15,310
[sputters]
1897
00:54:15,310 --> 00:54:16,724
[giggling]
1898
00:54:16,724 --> 00:54:18,551
Stick your ass out more.
1899
00:54:18,551 --> 00:54:22,103
Stick your ass out."
1900
00:54:22,103 --> 00:54:23,137
You try to go to the club, look
1901
00:54:23,137 --> 00:54:24,137
sexy.
1902
00:54:24,137 --> 00:54:26,482
Wear your little skinny jeans.
1903
00:54:26,482 --> 00:54:27,862
I fucking hate skinny jeans.
1904
00:54:27,862 --> 00:54:29,206
I love '’em, and I hate 'em.
1905
00:54:29,206 --> 00:54:30,275
I love '’em 'cause they hold
1906
00:54:30,275 --> 00:54:31,413
everything in and lift your ass
1907
00:54:31,413 --> 00:54:32,517
up and make you look fucking
1908
00:54:32,517 --> 00:54:34,551
fantastic, but I hate '’em 'cause
1909
00:54:34,551 --> 00:54:35,620
they fucking...
1910
00:54:35,620 --> 00:54:37,275
Ladies, you ever took your
1911
00:54:37,275 --> 00:54:38,551
skinny jeans off, and it still
1912
00:54:38,551 --> 00:54:39,551
look like you got jeans on?
1913
00:54:39,551 --> 00:54:40,551
And your dude be like, "Take
1914
00:54:40,551 --> 00:54:41,551
off your pants."
1915
00:54:41,551 --> 00:54:42,551
You'’re like, "I did take off my
1916
00:54:42,551 --> 00:54:43,551
pants."
1917
00:54:43,551 --> 00:54:44,551
He like, "Well, what'’s up with
1918
00:54:44,551 --> 00:54:45,586
the pockets in the back?"
1919
00:54:45,586 --> 00:54:46,586
You'’re like, "Motherfucker,
1920
00:54:46,586 --> 00:54:47,758
that is ass, stupid.
1921
00:54:47,758 --> 00:54:49,724
It'’s supposed to have ripples
1922
00:54:49,724 --> 00:54:51,379
and dents in it and shit, dummy.
1923
00:54:51,379 --> 00:54:52,379
That'’s what make the sound
1924
00:54:52,379 --> 00:54:53,379
effects."
1925
00:54:53,379 --> 00:54:54,344
And men love them sound effects.
1926
00:54:54,344 --> 00:54:55,413
Don'’t they?
1927
00:54:55,413 --> 00:54:56,413
Y'’all love that... them sound
1928
00:54:56,413 --> 00:54:57,413
effects...
1929
00:54:57,413 --> 00:54:59,931
[popping, slurping noises]
1930
00:54:59,931 --> 00:55:00,965
I can'’t really do 'em with my
1931
00:55:00,965 --> 00:55:03,344
mouth, but my ass does it great.
1932
00:55:03,344 --> 00:55:04,344
My ass...
1933
00:55:04,344 --> 00:55:07,724
[popping, slurping noises]
1934
00:55:07,724 --> 00:55:08,931
Ladies, remember the first time
1935
00:55:08,931 --> 00:55:10,758
you was doing it doggy style?
1936
00:55:10,758 --> 00:55:11,827
Some of y'’all got to think way,
1937
00:55:11,827 --> 00:55:13,000
way back, but think about it.
1938
00:55:13,000 --> 00:55:14,551
The first time you was doing it
1939
00:55:14,551 --> 00:55:16,172
doggy style, and the dude
1940
00:55:16,172 --> 00:55:17,275
hitting it from the back, and
1941
00:55:17,275 --> 00:55:18,310
you enjoying it.
1942
00:55:18,310 --> 00:55:19,413
You'’re like, "Ooh, this is
1943
00:55:19,413 --> 00:55:21,413
nice.
1944
00:55:21,413 --> 00:55:24,137
Ooh, I like this.
1945
00:55:24,137 --> 00:55:25,137
I'’m gonna do it like this all
1946
00:55:25,137 --> 00:55:26,137
the time.
1947
00:55:26,137 --> 00:55:27,206
I don'’t have to look at him or
1948
00:55:27,206 --> 00:55:28,275
nothing.
1949
00:55:28,275 --> 00:55:29,275
This...
1950
00:55:29,275 --> 00:55:30,275
Ooh, what did he just do...?
1951
00:55:30,275 --> 00:55:31,586
Oh, don'’t look at him.
1952
00:55:31,586 --> 00:55:32,586
Don'’t look at him.
1953
00:55:32,586 --> 00:55:33,586
You'’re gonna fuck it up.
1954
00:55:33,586 --> 00:55:34,586
Right now, he'’s Antonio
1955
00:55:34,586 --> 00:55:35,586
Banderas.
1956
00:55:35,586 --> 00:55:36,586
You look back, that motherfucker
1957
00:55:36,586 --> 00:55:37,758
Pee Wee Herman.
1958
00:55:37,758 --> 00:55:38,758
Oh, shit. Oh, shit."
1959
00:55:38,758 --> 00:55:39,758
It start getting real good.
1960
00:55:39,758 --> 00:55:40,862
You be like, "Oh, shit.
1961
00:55:40,862 --> 00:55:41,862
Oh, shit."
1962
00:55:41,862 --> 00:55:42,862
You start arching your back and
1963
00:55:42,862 --> 00:55:43,862
shit.
1964
00:55:43,862 --> 00:55:44,862
He be pushing it down.
1965
00:55:44,862 --> 00:55:45,862
You be arching it.
1966
00:55:45,862 --> 00:55:46,862
He be pushing it.
1967
00:55:46,862 --> 00:55:47,862
You be... [grunting]
1968
00:55:47,862 --> 00:55:48,689
And the next thing you know, you
1969
00:55:48,689 --> 00:55:49,379
hear...
1970
00:55:49,379 --> 00:55:50,689
[pop]
1971
00:55:50,689 --> 00:55:52,689
[pop]
[farting]
1972
00:55:52,689 --> 00:55:56,827
[farting]
1973
00:55:56,827 --> 00:55:58,000
[panting]
1974
00:55:58,000 --> 00:56:00,000
[farting]
1975
00:56:00,000 --> 00:56:01,551
[laughing]
1976
00:56:01,551 --> 00:56:03,103
[farting]
1977
00:56:03,103 --> 00:56:04,103
And the first time that happened
1978
00:56:04,103 --> 00:56:05,103
to you, you don'’t know what to
1979
00:56:05,103 --> 00:56:06,103
do.
1980
00:56:06,103 --> 00:56:07,241
You don'’t know whether to get up
1981
00:56:07,241 --> 00:56:09,241
and fucking run, laugh, cry,
1982
00:56:09,241 --> 00:56:10,241
scream.
1983
00:56:10,241 --> 00:56:11,275
You don'’t know what to fucking
1984
00:56:11,275 --> 00:56:12,275
do.
1985
00:56:12,275 --> 00:56:13,172
The first time it happened to
1986
00:56:13,172 --> 00:56:14,448
me, I just buried my face in the
1987
00:56:14,448 --> 00:56:17,034
pillow like an ostrich, and I
1988
00:56:17,034 --> 00:56:18,034
threw my ass back real fast,
1989
00:56:18,034 --> 00:56:19,034
like he turned a nitro on that
1990
00:56:19,034 --> 00:56:20,034
motherfucker.
1991
00:56:20,034 --> 00:56:22,344
This was fast and furious ass.
1992
00:56:22,344 --> 00:56:23,586
And I just started to pray.
1993
00:56:23,586 --> 00:56:26,000
"Lord Jesus, please don'’t let
1994
00:56:26,000 --> 00:56:27,413
him realize the sound that just
1995
00:56:27,413 --> 00:56:28,793
came out of my ass and/or
1996
00:56:28,793 --> 00:56:30,241
vagina, Lord.
1997
00:56:30,241 --> 00:56:31,551
Ooh, Lord, just please make sure
1998
00:56:31,551 --> 00:56:32,551
it don'’t have no smell!
1999
00:56:32,551 --> 00:56:34,517
Jesu...
2000
00:56:34,517 --> 00:56:37,310
[sniffing]
2001
00:56:37,310 --> 00:56:38,724
Okay, I'’m good in there.
2002
00:56:38,724 --> 00:56:39,896
I'’m good.
2003
00:56:39,896 --> 00:56:40,896
Thank you, Lord.
2004
00:56:40,896 --> 00:56:41,965
You give blessings every day,
2005
00:56:41,965 --> 00:56:43,965
Jesus."
2006
00:56:43,965 --> 00:56:45,896
That'’s real.
2007
00:56:45,896 --> 00:56:47,034
[crowd cheering]
2008
00:56:47,034 --> 00:56:49,310
It'’s real.
2009
00:56:49,310 --> 00:56:50,379
None of your girlfriends that'’s
2010
00:56:50,379 --> 00:56:51,586
having sex before you-- they
2011
00:56:51,586 --> 00:56:52,620
don'’t tell you.
2012
00:56:52,620 --> 00:56:54,241
They don'’t be like, "Girl, I
2013
00:56:54,241 --> 00:56:55,551
was doing it to Ted yesterday,
2014
00:56:55,551 --> 00:56:57,586
and he had my pussy beatboxing,
2015
00:56:57,586 --> 00:56:58,586
bitch.
2016
00:56:58,586 --> 00:57:00,241
He had my shit, like..."
2017
00:57:00,241 --> 00:57:02,241
He had my shit, like..."
[beatboxing]
2018
00:57:02,241 --> 00:57:06,310
[beatboxing]
2019
00:57:06,310 --> 00:57:07,275
[moaning]: Ah.
2020
00:57:07,275 --> 00:57:10,034
[beatboxing]
2021
00:57:10,034 --> 00:57:12,137
[moaning]: Ooh, ooh, ooh.
2022
00:57:12,137 --> 00:57:14,137
[moaning]: Ooh, ooh, ooh.
[beatboxing]
2023
00:57:14,137 --> 00:57:20,482
[beatboxing]
2024
00:57:20,482 --> 00:57:21,724
That'’s some good motherfucking
2025
00:57:21,724 --> 00:57:22,724
sex right there.
2026
00:57:22,724 --> 00:57:24,103
[crowd cheering]
2027
00:57:24,103 --> 00:57:27,000
Any questions?
2028
00:57:27,000 --> 00:57:28,000
Look, I had a good time with you
2029
00:57:28,000 --> 00:57:29,000
guys.
2030
00:57:29,000 --> 00:57:31,551
Y'’all stay fantastic.
2031
00:57:31,551 --> 00:57:33,379
>> JENNY: Tiffany!
2032
00:57:33,379 --> 00:57:35,655
Love you, girl.
2033
00:57:35,655 --> 00:57:37,034
Let'’s hear it for all my lovely
2034
00:57:37,034 --> 00:57:38,034
bitches.
2035
00:57:38,034 --> 00:57:39,517
Get back up here, girls.
2036
00:57:39,517 --> 00:57:44,000
Let'’s hear it for 'em, you guys.
2037
00:57:44,000 --> 00:57:45,000
[crowd cheering]
2038
00:57:45,000 --> 00:57:46,000
Thank you so much for coming out
2039
00:57:46,000 --> 00:57:47,000
tonight.
2040
00:57:47,000 --> 00:57:48,206
My girls-- Justine Marino, Tammy
2041
00:57:48,206 --> 00:57:49,206
Pescatelli, Lynne Koplitz, Paula
2042
00:57:49,206 --> 00:57:50,206
Bel and Tiffany Haddish.
2043
00:57:50,206 --> 00:57:51,793
Thank you so much for watching.
2044
00:57:51,793 --> 00:57:54,137
Keep it dirty, yo. Peace.
2045
00:57:54,137 --> 00:57:55,137
Captioning sponsored by
2046
00:57:55,137 --> 00:57:57,206
LEVITY ENTERTAINMENT GROUP
2047
00:57:57,206 --> 00:57:58,206
Captioned by
2048
00:57:58,206 --> 00:57:59,206
Media Access Group at WGBH
2049
00:57:59,206 --> 00:58:01,379
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
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