All language subtitles for Bawdy Tales

[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

Bernardino!

Hey, Mammone!

[LAUGHING]

BERNARDINO:
Ah, you two.
I might have known!

Yeah.

I knew it was you,
who else stinks like you?

Oh, yeah?
What do you shit, roses?

[EXCLAIMING]
Does that feel good.

[BOTH GROANING]

It's all we ever
give the world.

[SHUSHING] That
kind of horseshit makes
me constipated.

Fuck them, shit's all they
got the right to expect.

Hey, man.

[GRUNTING AND GROANING]

What a son of
a bitch you are, though.

Look what your mother got!

I'm a son of a bitch too,
but I'm no murderer.

Oh, what do you mean?
The slobs asked
to be murdered.

It's the same with me.

It's their fate to get killed.
They just had to be murdered,
you know?

Poor guys!

Poor guys us,
who got to commit murder.

By Christ, I once was hired to
stab a damn cardinal.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

I'm sticking a knife in his
back and he spins and says,
"And fuck you, too!"

[LAUGHING]

That's just like
when I murdered
this duke...

Here I got I got two hands
around his throat. When he
says, "That's enough, dog."

That son of
a bitch calling me a dog!

Yeah, you dog, you!

And fuck you, too.

Yeah. God made all
of us be crucified.

What the hell,
do you think anybody's
any better than us?

A man's a man,
nobody's any different.

God protects us all,
from one-eyed blind
men with no hands

and wormy cheese that's sour.

Let the good Lord protect us
from ladies with clap,
or piss in our wine.

And from skinny
priests and fat pigs

from the winds of
hell and from monks who
stink up the world.

May God protect
all of us from those
lousy sons of bitches!

My Christ! Well, I'm no worse
than all those pricks, whores,
pimps and murderers...

Cut purses, panderers.
Those usurers
and bigots and fake saints.

Holy men, my ass!
Listen to all the crap
they hand out!

[CHURCH BELLS TOLLING]

[SPEAKING LATIN]

ALL: Amen.

POPE: Dear Cardinal Vicario.
And how fare our
orphans these days?

Well,
Your Holiness, very well.

General Gaudillo,
you have news to tell
us of our brave Swiss Guards?

It is some time
since we spoke last.

All is well, Your Holiness.

You wouldn't try to
keep us in the dark?

You refer to our new
commanding officer.

I'm afraid what you've
heard is quite true.

All the men of his
regiment were told to
take an enema.

POPE: All 600 of them?

All 600, Your Holiness.

Oh, dear Lord! Dear Lord!

[WHISPERING]

Well...
We are in good time to eat.
Let us dine.

Even we confess to
a certain hunger.

Ah, my dear Duke Ronciglione.

Your presence here
has just reminded me
of the beautiful church

that you had restored in the
name of the Virgin Mother.
Superb, just marvelous.

And what news of
Don Anselmo, to whom
you entrusted your church?

He's well, Your Holiness.
Oh, at least tolerably so.

But he complains of
gout occasionally.

[ALL SINGING IN LATIN] ♪

[YELLS]

[CHURCH BELLS TOLLING]

Poor Don Anselmo,
the Virgin Mary
took him to heaven.

He always kept touching,
why couldn't he
keep his hands off?

Poor Don Anselmo.

Poor Don Anselmo.

A good man,
generous, educated,
respectful...

He must've been homosexual.
Oh, Blessed Virgin,
help the dear old soul!

Nicolino.

[SHUSHING]

BERTOLINA: Nicolino!

Nicolino!

[SHUSHING]
Can't you show some
respect for the dead?

Don't tell me I
can't call my husband
if I please.

Do all the pleasing you want.
Only a bed's
the place to fuck, not here.

We must think,
my dear, of someone
worthy to succeed him.

Oh, God, my feet hurt.

Why must they walk at this
snail's pace? You'll recall
that I warned you.

Patience,
dear Caterina, patience.

Patience, dear Caterina.

[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

Ah, he has such
a healthy appetite.

I tell you,
it's truly awesome.

For dinner last night,
His Holiness put
the whole table to shame.

Just to begin he
had a plate of ham and
two whole melon slices.

Followed by a great
huge heap of lasagna,
which is his favorite dish.

Ah, what a pleasure
to watch him eat it!

After that, two pork cutlets,
lamb and chicken on the grill.

Two splendid cheeses.

Good Lord above,
where does he find
the room in his stomach?

Then I did take the slender
volume from the angel's hand,
and I devoured it.

It was sweet in my mouth
as the taste of honey.

But when I had consumed it,
I felt a bitterness in
the depths of my bowels.

A voice whispered within,
"The hour is not yet come to
relax your search."

This world that
imprisons our souls is
shallow and fatuous...

Lacking in conscience,
perverse, corrupt,
impious.

A world of flesh,
a world enslaved by flesh.

This doomed
world wallows in sin.

Upon this world
I see only blood and death!

What's wrong, Caterina?

Is something wrong, dear?

You're so strange lately.

[LAUGHING STIFFLY]
The strangeness
of growing old.

Who says so?

[CHUCKLING STIFFLY]

Whenever we've
made love lately,
you've seemed so distant.

There has to be some reason.

All that really matters
is that I am here with you.

My dearest treasure...

My pussycat.

My lovely pussy.

Wake up.

Go let him in.

[MEOWING]

Come in. Follow me.

[MEOWING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[ALL CHATTERING]

It's the priest.
The new priest is coming!

Hey, it's the new priest,
right up there!

MAN: He's coming!

GIACOMO: Dearly beloved,
it behooves us above all

to express our gratitude
to our noble benefactor,

His Excellency
the Duke of Ronciglione.

It is he to whom we must
express our gratitude for our
newly restored church.

It's restoration
was due to him alone.

May we all be
worthy of his generosity.

Unmannered country folk though
you are, now you will have
the opportunity to learn

to live in a higher and
more civilized manner.

To this end,
I call upon each man here to
sanctify the feast days,

to live in
the pure Catholic manner.

In other words,
do not rob your
neighbor of his goods.

Avoid pasturing your sheep
in your neighbor's fields.

And this above all.
Do not covet your
neighbor's wife.

[SINGING IN ITALIAN] ♪

I wonder why is she
keeping us waiting?

[SINGING CONTINUES
FAINTLY] ♪

My pussycat, my Caterina.

What is it Caterina?
What's happened?

Again...

No, no. I am not mistaken.
There is something.

You are not
the Caterina I knew.

But I am.
What makes you
think I have changed so?

I'd give 10 years
of my life to be sure
I could answer that.

You remain as hypocritical,
full of lies, as elusive...

None of that surprises me.

But that's not
what has changed.
It's not that, Caterina.

Have you been waiting?

Who wants to be first?

All right,
who wants to be first?

How about you going, huh?

Well,
I just finished my dinner.

Maybe I should go first.

You were all ready
for me, weren't you?

[MOANING]

[ROOSTER CROWING]

WOMAN 1: Bertolina!
WOMAN 2: Bertolina!

WOMAN 1:
Bertolina, can't you hurry?

Hurry, what are you doing?
Having kittens?

You need never
feel shame Bertolina.

Have confidence in
your father confessor.

You realize that you
must place your soul in
my keeping, Bertolina.

Of course, padre.I know.

Good, then tell me,

have you an adequate
sexual relationship
with your husband?

Nicolino has
his special likes.

But, of course, your contacts
follow the rules of nature.

Well, once in
a while Nicolino will say,
"Turn around, Bertolina."

And you?

I have to commit a sin, padre.

With other young men also?

No, no, padre!

You harbor the thoughts?

BERTOLINA: No, never, padre.

And should one
make an obscene proposition?

I'd tell him no!

Though he who asked were I?

What reply could I give?

Suppose I
really do propose it?

You're a priest,
you're supposed to be
praying for our souls.

It would be
unforgiveable to commit a sin
with you father confessor.

I've been told that women who
make love with their
priests or with monks,

or with any kind of padre...

I've heard
the devil takes their soul
to hell.

Stupid nonsense, those are
tales old hags and witches
tell to frighten you.

We must not forget that your
father confessor is only
human like your Nicolino.

It's not so, padre.
You are so much better. But...

But what, my dear?

Don't you want
to be nearer to...
To the church?

Then how shall we do it?

We'll do it very well,
don't you worry.

And no one will be
the wiser for it.

One of these days,
I will come to
bless your house

and in coming I will
bless thee as well.

[CHATTERING AND SHOUTING]

[SHOUTING]

[WHISTLES]

Hey!

Hey!

[BLOWING RASPBERRY]

[WHISTLING]

[SOFT FLUTE MUSIC PLAYING]

Bless this house and
all who live in it.

Bless this house and
all who live in it.

Come on,
we're not through yet.

Lord Jesus Christ
bless our house.

Let us praise the Lord.

Bless this house, oh Lord
Jesus and on all who dwell
therein thy blessings.

Here you are.

These are for you.

Wait here for me.
I will finish by myself.
Enjoy your cookies, children.

[LAUGHING]

And what
a beautiful pussy you are.

[CHURCH BELLS TOLLING]

I see the streets running red
with blood and gore.

Flesh will be torn,
our bodies will
be rent asunder.

Excuse me,
if you will my dear ladies.
I shall return.

I am so sorry to interrupt,
but this is most urgent!

Of course.

That matter is extremely
delicate and of pressing
importance to me.

Your Excellency,
your wishes are my command.

I know that you are
my wife's confessor, padre.

She makes her confession every
Friday in the convent chapel.
Does she not?

Indeed she does!
Your spouse is most
devoted to our mother church.

Quite.

It's one way to keep busy.

The ladies of our society
are devoted churchgoers.

It's their marketplace
for the latest gossip.

But that's not what I
wanted to talk about.
I will come to case at hand.

I respect the secrecy
of the confessional

of course, and I would never
suggest that you violate
your principles.

I value
the esteem you place on
our vows of secrecy.

But, you see, my wife's
secrets are another matter,
and that's where you come in.

[CHURCH BELLS TOLLING]

Ah!

How imponderable are
the secrets of those
who are called female.

That's well spoken.
I was sure you would help.

Naturally, there can be no
question of your violating the
secrecy of the confessional.

I'd never ask that. However,
were it possible for me in
some way to listen in...

But how could you
possibly arrange that?

You might squeeze me into
the confessional with you.

It's going to be a tight fit,
Your Excellency.

Try again!

Here.

Keep your eye on it!

Come on, pitch it.

MAN: Get it in there, come on!

Hey, Nicolino.

There's something
I want to tell you.

Here, come help me
with all this stuff.

All right, what do you want?

Nicolino, you know
that I love you as if
you were my own son.

I want only what is good for
you, and I'm not one to
gossip, you know that.

I even prayed
maybe I was mistaken,
for your sake.

What the hell are you
talking about, anyway?

It's about the other day when
the priest came to
your house to bless it.

All the other houses,
it took him only a minute,

you know,
the same old blessing routine
that the padregoes through

it takes a half a second

in your house
the blessing took over
an hour.

He went inside
and stayed there.

Your wife gave
the choir boys a few
biscuits to munch on.

They waited by your door while
the priest, uh...

Bertoli,
get my things together.

A pair of pants
and a clean
jacket and everything.

I'm going to Rome for
3 days, for the duke,

it's not my idea,
it's just
something I have to do.

[URINATING]

[WHISTLING]

Here she is. She's coming.

Padre.

Padre.

Padre.

Oh, I didn't hear you call.

[BOTH SPEAKING LATIN]

Amen.

Open your heart to me,
confess your sins
that God may forgive you.

What sins have you committed?

Well, the usual padreMatteo,
I wasn't very nice to
the domestics last week.

I got angry at Maria and I'm
afraid I was too severe with
old Benito, our butler.

They don't deserve it.
They work very hard.

A venial sin, what else?

Well, I was also envious.

In my defense,
however, you must admit

that the hat which the French
ambassador's wife
wore to the party

would make any
woman green with envy.

And against my
husband I have also sinned.

I confess that I have not
always been truthful to him.

The other day, for example,
while at dinner I told him
that his steak was beef

when actually it was veal.

And what about
your carnal sins?

This week it was
the same as last.
I cheated on my husband again.

[MUFFLED] With who?

With whom?
How can I
remember all the names?

There are so many.
There were the usual.

MATTEO: How many?

Let me think. One...

Five...

Seven...

Eleven. Eleven, yes.

[BOTH WHISTLING]

A falling star...

Make a wish, Nico.

I did already.

What a sky.
You could even
count the stars.

What good would it do
if you did? Couldn't bring
them down to Earth.

[WHISTLING]

If you want to count,
count how many more nights

we're going to have to
sleep out in the cold.

Oh, forget it. Nico, my boy.
Life will decide
all these things.

And we go where we goddamn
well please, so shit,
this is a great big world.

I'm trembling inside.

[BOTH MOANING]

[BANGING AT DOOR]

[WHIMSICAL
FLUTE MUSIC PLAYING]

No, Nicoli! No, Nicoli!

You know I love you but
the priest asked,
I couldn't refuse!

I won't kill you, padre.Move.

Take the knife, you bastard!
Take it!

Now, cut it off!

Cut it off, I said!

You're gonna cut
it off yourself.

Cut it off, or I'll do it!

[GROANING IN ANGUISH]

[SPEAKING IN LATIN]

ALL: Amen.

[CHURCH BELLS TOLLING]

What time it is?
What news of Rome today?

All is well, Your Holiness.
All is well.

The orphans are happy,
are they?

Is the guard in form, General?

It is, Your Holiness.

Very good.

All in order.
Let us pass to table, then.
Ah, to eat!

The sole remaining consolation
which enriches our lives
as we grow older!

And today, Sister Cecilia has
made for us one of her
specialties. Peas.

Only these are
not ordinary peas,
her sauce makes them divine!

To begin, oysters, of course,
and fresh lettuce salad
seasoned with herbs

from our garden and
a choice of appetizers.

Ah, dear Sister Cecilia.
Dear Sister Cecilia,
why is it growing so dark?

Oh Lord, everything so...

[ALL CLAMORING]

I'm dying!
The prophecies
are coming true!

It's the hour when
darkness descends!

Oh, that cursed brother.

That monk his name was Matteo.

It was he.
It was he who brought this
upon us with his evil omens!

"I see blood everywhere,"
he said, "I see death."

May he lose
the gift of his eyes!

May he be banished from Rome!

Let him spread
his evil prophecies
elsewhere.

Are all of you here?

Yes,
we're here, Your Holiness.
We're all here.

Good, then prepare yourselves.

You're all going with me to
the kingdom of eternal night.

You're going.
You're all going
to be going with me.

Yes,
to be sure, Your Holiness.

What's a century, after all?
Give or take a few years?

Please,
Excellencies, he must rest,
please leave.

His Holiness must
conserve his strength.

Please, Excellencies.

[CHATTERING]

You seem anxious.

I know how worried you are,
Excellency. They could
choose someone else.

If you do make it,
what name will you select?

Pius. Yes, Pius.

Pius suits me nicely.

POPE: [GROANING]
Sister Cecilia...

I would like a glass of water.

Quickly. Get undressed.

In the middle of the day?

Yes, please, get undressed!

[SINGING SOFTLY
IN ITALIAN] ♪

[GASPING]

My little pussy!

[SCREAMS]

Let me go!

Caterina!

Caterina!

Look!

Look at this!

[GROANING IN ANGUISH]

[SCREAMING IN PAIN]

Sad?

Mm-hmm.

Anyway, what's the difference?
They say time
heals all wounds.

[FARTING]

[IMITATING BIRD CHIRPING]

Who's there?

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, not at all!
Make yourself at home.

[GROANING UNCOMFORTABLY]

My boys, that was a rough one.

Sometimes it's rough,
sometimes it's smooth,
just like life.

What a pity
after having carried
the damn thing for so long.

Tell us,
what trade do you ply?

I get good money in the
villages praying for the dead
and chanting litanies.

Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye.
Hear my song.

[SINGING ITALIAN
OPERA POORLY] ♪

[MEN LAUGHING]

[CONTINUES SINGING] ♪

You must make
yourself a pretty penny
doing what you do, sir.

A pretty penny indeed.
What you see here represents
over a dozen dead men.

So much the better.

[LAUGHING]

Ah! There's
a beautiful pile of shit.

I feel much better.

You're off to make
your pennies grow.

Have to keep busy,
I'm off to the next village.

If the good Lord'll strike
a few dead, before I get there
it'll be my fortune.

Soon as I hit
the village square
I break into my song.

[SINGING IN ITALIAN] ♪

MAMMONE: Hey, Bernardino!

Come on get
a taste this water,
it's delicious.

Hey, Bernardino, I hope we
won't have to kill him.
I never killed anybody. No?

Me neither, I'm not
a murderer. I only made all
those stories up.

They were all lies.

There's two of us. We could
just make off with
the purse and that's all.

Don't give us problems,
old man.

All you need to do
is give us your
purse and you can go.

[BOTH GROANING IN PAIN]

[WHIMPERING]

[SOFT FLUTE MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL CHANTING IN LATIN]

Bernardino Camoratella, you
will be executed tomorrow
in the morning hours.

Hundred and sixty,
more or less.

Coronato Chiappa,
you will be executed
tomorrow in the morning hours.

EXECUTIONER:
This one weighs about 165.

Imagine being hung!

Yeah.

Well, we won't be the first.
There's plenty
of men who hanged.

And plenty will hang after us.

Bernardino wishes
you well, ladies

you'll have to get
along without me.
That's sad.

Goodbye girls, goodbye.
And weep for me.

For each kiss, thanks.
For each caress, thanks!

Bernardino, are you married?

Am I? I got a wife
in every damn
village in Italy!

In Guadino,
Alatri, San Bussetto, Cave,

Palestrina,
Rocca di Papa, Ariccia...

Ronciglione, Zangarolo.

Mammone,
where the hell are you from?

[SINGING IN ITALIAN] ♪

Where I come from
is a happy place.

They're born happy
and they don't change.

My God, you should hear them.
They can't stop laughing.

Up in the morning at dawn,
they go off to the meadows

and they breathe fresh air.

Then they go picking cherries,
or peaches, or strawberries...

Yes, sir, they know
how to live in my town.

And they're free.

[SINGING IN ITALIAN] ♪

[SHEEP BLEATING]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN] ♪

Hey, Chiavone!

CHIAVONE: Yeah,
why don't you give
me some of your wine?

No, you drink too much,
get some food in you.

[CHUCKLING]

Cacchione,
you're full of shit, you are.

[CHUCKLES]

Any man who don't drink
makes a poor lover.

Who do you make
love to out here?

The sheep, you idiot!

You have made love with a...

Sure with sheep.
Why not with sheep, stupid?

They're mine, aren't they?

Didn't you ever
make love with yours?

That's crazy, Chiavone.

You never laid a sheep?
Try it and you'll say
sheep are the best you had.

Go make love to a sheep.
Prove me wrong, then.

What's a sheep
got that's so good?
My woman's got everything.

Everything? How do you know?

How much do you need?
Try a sheep just once!

And you tell me it's
as good with sheep as
with women? What a joke.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, you go ahead and laugh.

You're really a pig,
you know that?

The pig here is you.

Everybody else here sleeps
with sheep except you!

Everybody?

Everybody.
Giovanni does it twice a day.

Angelo screws his
sheep all night.

Matteo screws his sheep and
old Pasqualino
screws sheep, too.

Pietro and Bavoso
fuck sheep, too.

Bugatti fucks sheep and
you know he's married.

And Sandro
screws his sheep and
you know he's married, too!

What do those sheep have?

Why you say your
stupid sheep are so good?

You try a sheep and find out
if I am not right.

I won't hurt sheep.
I would never want
to hurt any sheep.

No, no, no... It's not for me,
and I don't want any sheep of
mine to be hurt.

No, those sheep are
like my own sisters.

Well I'll tell you what!
Try it with one of mine.

I got one who's...

Yeah?

You'll be the envy of
the whole valley. I'm telling
you, she's talented.

She's all yours.
All you have to do
is come over here.

I couldn't. No... No.

Her name's Beata!

I swear to you she'll love it
more than you will.

No, no...

Why not? You take Beata
and I'll take one of yours.

Ah, come on!
You'll thank me for
making you try it.

Stop playing hard to get.

Come on, come on!

What the hell,
I'm only doing this
because you're a good friend.

Treat her nice, okay?
Be good to her!

[SHEEP BLEATING]

Beata?

Oh, Beata?

Are you Beata?

Are you Beata?

Beata?

[MOANING]

Ah, mamma mia!
What are you doing?

It must be a dream!

[MOANING]

Good girl, Beata.

[IMITATING SHEEP BLEATING]

There now, I won't be
rough with you, dear.

You really are
the most beautiful sheep
I've ever seen.

[BLEATING]

Stop that!
I haven't even begun yet.
I'll respect you.

We better forget it.

[WHISTLING]

CHIAVONE: Hey, Cacchione,
what did I tell you?

Was it as good as I said?
Wasn't I right?

A man should try
everything once, Chiavone.

That's what I told you.
Am I a friend or not, eh?

I'll never know how
to thank you, Chiavone.

Your sheep wasn't
half bad, believe me.

Too bad the poor thing
can't speak or she'd tell you.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah,
you can try it
with her again one day.

[CACCHIONE WHISTLING]

How would you like
some nice kidneys?

Tomorrow I'll bring us some.

[WHISTLING]

Oh! Are you ready? Let's go.

Come on,
Beata is waiting, hurry!

And remember now,
treat her nice.
She loves you! Ah, be gentle!

[CHUCKLES]

[SHEEP BLEATING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY]

[SCREAMING IN ANGUISH]

I promised my wife
some nice kidneys,
Chiavone.

Here are
the kidneys I promised you.

[SINGING IN ITALIAN] ♪

WOMAN: Here. They're done!

No, none for me.
You eat them, dear.

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Hey, Bernardino, tomorrow
we're going to go meet
our Maker. You know that?

Go screw yourself.
You really are
a God damn fool.

Is that all you
have to think about?

Why spend our last day
on Earth thinking of that?

Jesus,
in all my days on Earth I've
never thought of God.

Me neither!

MAMMONE: We were wrong not to.

Boy, I am starving!

MAMMONE: Me, too.

If they don't hang us pretty
soon, we're both gonna
starve to death

in here,
those sons of bitches.

I'm even hungry
enough to eat a plate
of those kidneys.

[LAUGHS]

Let's hope that
when we come up before
Christ, he'll forgive us.

Ah, don't bet on it.
He'll spit in our faces.

Hey, Mammone.
I had this
friend of mine once.

He was condemned to die,
same as we are,
but luckily escaped hanging.

They chopped off his head
on a block instead.

The only dead man
I'd ever seen till then.

Mamma mia,
I was scared shitless.
But when I saw his head,

would you
believe I only laughed?

His name was Agostino.
What a son of a bitch he was.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Come on, you sons of bitches
stuff your faces.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[BURPING]

Sorry, Agostino,
my stomach is full of gas.

Well, I always said that If
a man wants to he could pass
up eating a whole week.

Sorry, Agostino. I'm sure
he didn't mean you.

[ALL LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY]

But, if you were
down and out, broke...

Say you'd gone
through everything your
old man had left you.

Let's say you had
one or two vices.
Like you chase whores

and you can't stay
away from gambling.

He don't work and
doesn't know how to
do anything anyway.

The poor guy's up
to here in shit.

And he's over
his head in debts,
and his credit's no good.

His biggest question is
how to keep on eating.

Fuck him! Sorry Agostino,
that wasn't meant for you.

A little something for
our four-legged friend.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Sorry, Agostino,
it just wasn't meant for you.

God helps those
who help themselves.

It took me a while,
but I learned.

Lord,
here is your prodigal son.

[CHURCH BELLS TOLLING]

Your table is taken.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I am gratified to
observe such devotion
to our church.

Thank you. Thank you.

Do you ply a trade?

No. My father bequeathed me
a modest sum, padre.
It was stolen by my uncles.

Ah. Robbed by your uncles?
Are you forsooth penniless?

My daily bread is not easily
gotten. I must make do.
God's will be done.

With all it is not easy.

You are so right!

One can only obey God's will.
Only trust in His wisdom.

I must seek
salvation through God's love.

My trials are perhaps
only God's way, padre.

I have an idea, my son.

I can find you
a post in the home of
a person of good character.

You would become his valet.
The person you'd
work for lives alone.

Are you interested?

Interested? I would accept
though my poor talents could
never justify your faith.

Then as of now,
you're my valet.
I do need someone, you see.

I think you'll do, my son.
So as of now the job is yours.

Padre,you've opened
the road to paradise

-if only my talents
are of your needs.
-Right, right, yes.

I'll obey your every desire.

-Rise, rise.
-I'll be your slave.

Come my son. That's it.
Now that's right.

[POPPING]

Agostino, I need advice.

I am troubled that that
beautiful creature who
attended church so regularly

hasn't shown up in two weeks.

That's true.
I've noticed her absence.

What's the reason?

Ah, Don Leopoldo,
you yourself are the reason.

You have so touched her heart
that the poor creature is
afraid to confess it.

A pity. She was
something else, she was.

Padre,with your permission,
tomorrow I'll bring you
another. This one is only 16.

She's an orphan,
she's ravishing.

Mm-hmm.

I know you can help this poor
orphan, whose needs are
purely spiritual.

Protect her from the hordes
of young hooligans who are
after her, day and night.

I will, poor Agostino.

We'll do what we can.

I will use all of
my sacerdotal art to
help the poor orphan.

The poor girl has
a difficult time,
as you can well imagine.

Poverty is no easy counselor.
Especially for
a young girl alone.

The cause is most worthy.
I'm not without my
possibilities, financially.

No fortune,
'tis true, but withal enough
to satisfy a poor orphan.

Most generous padre,
you'll become a
saint yet!

[CHUCKLING]

[FESTIVE
INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[EXCLAIMING]

Agostino, won't you
help a poor destitute
widow with four children?

Why are you asking this of me?
What help can I be,
suoraLuigia?

You know my daughter,
the brunette, the one with
the dark eyes and long legs,

who's a virgin as well.

Don't worry, suoraLuigia,
she'll grow out of that.

And you've seen
the chest on her.

Are you making
me an offer, then?

No, I thought you
might ask Don Leopoldo
for a little charity.

I might, but I must see her.
I'll make no
blind recommendations.

Outside, children. Outside.
Run out in
the street and play.

Look at you, darling.
Your hair is a mess.

Isn't she beautiful?
Wasn't I telling the truth,
young man?

You'll excuse me
for a little while,
while I see that the children

aren't getting in any trouble.

Children, children.
How many times have I...

Show me these
beautiful tits your
mother is so proud of.

Hey, you pig,
what do you think you're...

[SHUSHING]

You want to get
your mother mad at you?

The piss of angels.

You vulgar devil.
I only keep you on
because you use your wits.

I'm most grateful.

Now what's new.
Have you good tidings?

No, Your Grace. None.

What's this, "Your Grace"?
You know I'm only
a simple priest.

A bishop's ring is yours
you've only to will it.

You're too
ambitious for my own good.

I'm doing well enough here.

Apropos this,
that money we owe to Luigia
for her daughter, you paid it?

Of course. Of course.

Did she go away?

Yes, but she'll come back,
don't worry.

A real beauty.

Would you like me
to go and get her?

No, no, it's too far.

Nice of you to offer.

I don't suppose you
turned up anything
new in the parish?

No?

What do you mean, "new"?

New means that
gorgeous thing that is
employed by the shop

close to the Presbytery.
You know,
it's right around the corner.

The shoemaker's wife?

Then she's married?

AGOSTINO: Yes.

She's much too young for that.

They've only been
married for 10 days.

I suppose she
already has a confessor.

It's not sure,
she's just come
from her village.

Agostino,
I'd like to meet her.

I'll speak to her.

But she is married.

The marriage is
hardly consummated.
It's barely valid.

It's not really an obstacle.

You don't think so?

She needs your help.
They say that her
husband's very jealous.

She needs guidance.

How appropriate!

[CHATTERING]

[PRIEST CHANTING
IN ITALIAN] ♪

[ALL CHANTING] ♪

What did you find out?
The whole story.
Well go on, tell me then.

I've spoken to
the shoemaker's wife.

[PRAYING IN LATIN]

She and her husband
are like turtledoves,
two love-birds.

However they...

However what?

It's just that
the girl's parents had
promised to pay a huge dowry.

Then after
the marriage they refused
and it was never paid.

Mm-hmm.

Well, they fight
about it day and night.

So I told her you would pay
well. She said, "You think
that your money can buy me?"

So I said, "Aw?"
then she said,
"Ah!"

Anyway, I convinced
her to come to you.

Huge dowry you say?
That depends.

Two thousand scudis
for the best piece
of ass in all Rome!

Really? 2,000, eh?
Does she have to have cash?

I don't know but
when I talked about you
she said you were very nice.

I'm very nice she said?

Yeah, very nice.

Then that means
that she'll agree to
come and see me?

On Thursday, her husband is
leaving for the day.

She wants to
come to confession
here while he's gone.

Two thousand, though...

If you give the word,
I'll go confirm it.

It's a deal,
we'll chalk it up to charity.

[CHANTING IN ITALIAN] ♪

[HUMMING]

[CARRIAGE APPROACHING]

[BELLS JINGLING]

Oh, good evening.
Do come in, please.

Don't be afraid,
we are totally alone.
No one will see you here.

Wouldn't you like
to take all that off?

Ah, I understand,
you're quite right.

[CHUCKLES]

[GROANS IN PAIN]

[COINS CLINKING]

[SOFT MANDOLIN MUSIC PLAYING]

Agostino?

Agostino?

[GROANING]

[BERNARDINO LAUGHING]

Hey, Mammone.
Look at that
sky full of stars.

I don't think they
give a damn about us.

Poor Agostino.

[CHUCKLES] That bastard.

He made it big and
then had only a few
days to enjoy it,

because they caught
him with the goods.

And overnight
his hair had turned
white as a pigeon's ass.

Poor Agostino.

[CARRIAGE ARRIVING]

[MONKS CHANTING]

Agostino, do you wish
to confess your sins
and ask God's forgiveness?

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

[HUMMING] ♪

[KEYS RATTLING]

Get up, Bernardino.

We're going to make you
presentable before you go to
face the good Lord.

Hey, Bernardino.
I got one more
story to tell you about God.

You want to hear it?

You're ready?

I'm all ears. Go ahead.

Let's hear it.

Okay, I'll give
you the whole story.

But don't you let
me go on if you don't
think it's funny.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[MOANING]

[TRUMPET MUSIC PLAYING]

The fellow's name
was Peppe Bellomo.

He was really
somebody at first.
He had a big house of his own.

He bought and sold
horses and livestock,
that's good business.

He was really somebody.

[DOOR UNLOCKING]

MAN: All right,
sonny, it's your turn now.

Hey, come on!
Where's the rest?
Tell me more!

Well, before they cut me off,
I was going to say he went up
to his ears in debt

because he wanted
to please his wife.

He went broke on
account of her.

He sold his horses for a song.
He sold everything.

And still it wasn't enough so
that the poor guy was really
going through hell!

Margherita, I have gone
as far as I can go.

I'm not able to do any more.

You are young and beautiful,

you'll have no trouble finding
another man who
can offer you more

than I can give you.

Will you stop that talk?
What's wrong with you?

Without you I can't go
on living. I can't go on
like this either,

so I have
decided to kill myself.

You're crazy.

Peppe, do you really
think I could go on
living without you?

I've no choice, Margherita.

I have no choice.

You know what's happened,
so what's the use?

I have lost my manhood.

Very well,
if you have decided to commit
suicide, we'll die together.

What are you talking about?

You have to live.
You have
everything to live for.

But I am not
afraid to kill myself
if that's what you think.

You just tell me how,
and I'll do it.

You're sure?

I'll do anything you say,
I said I would die
for you and much more.

You know how much I love you!

What would you do to prove it?

If you look at me,
it's embarrassing to say.

You'll make me feel too shy.

Now,
finish what you were saying.
What would you do to prove it?

First, promise me
that if you don't like
what I'm going to say,

you do whatever
you want with me,
you can even kill me.

All right. Say it.

There are those
who'd give us money if
I would give them something.

If you don't want to
we'll die tomorrow.

But not tonight.

We'll make love tonight.
Tomorrow's another day.

Who is he?

What's his name?

Celestino Paoletti.

The butcher?

-Yes.
-That dirty old baboon.

What difference
does it make to you?

Come on, I'm waiting.

All right,
we will do it, Margherita.
After all, why not?

That's good.

He's rich enough
for all three of us.
Everything will be fine.

I'll have to
pretend I don't know.

No, on the contrary.
He wants you to agree to it.

What does he want, a contract?

He wants to know you'll do it.
You see he's afraid of you.

He's right.

If I'd found you both in bed,
I would've killed
you and you know it.

I hope you would.

MAMMONE: Love, love, love!

It's all a game.

God gave the egg to the hen
and the spurs to the cock...

He gave long hair to women and
made men crazy enough to
think they'd be faithful.

Hey, Mammone.
They're in one
goddamn rush, aren't they?

Here comes the padrenow.

My son, let us
prepare you for the long
voyage which will

lead you into
the presence of God.

Celestino Paoletti was an
old man of nearly 60.

And I must say,
he managed pretty well,
considering his age.

He ate well,
he drank well and he
liked the rest, too.

So, anyway. They moved in
with him, and it was all
one happy family.

And they didn't
give a damn about what
people said.

[SPEAKING LATIN]

[TRUMPET MUSIC PLAYING]

PEPPE: Hey,
old man, how you sleeping
these nights?

You dreaming pleasant dreams?

You two bastards,
humping the same wife.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[MAN SINGING IN ITALIAN] ♪

[GLASSES CLINKING]

Here's to you.
Here's to us all.

BOTH: Here's to you!

"A true gentleman
knows how to look the
other way."

"Anyone who lives
without honor will die
without knowing shame."

"Talking of death can
spoil a good meal."

[ALL LAUGHING]

[MONKS CHANTING]

Who would have thought this
could happen to us?

Mammone, it really
makes me sad that it's
happening to you.

MAMMONE: So, anyway, Peppe
would screw his wife
now and then, but he

didn't have his heart in it
like before.

So he practically
stopped screwing her?

Well, no.
What I mean is there was
no pep in Peppe's screwing.

So Margherita,
she knows it and she says,

"What's wrong?
You're not putting your
heart into this, Peppe."

So she got
herself another guy.

Right, a young buck,
hung like nothing
you ever saw.

Talk about a stallion. I would
show you if my hands weren't
tied like this.

The bastards had to do it.

[SINGING IN ITALIAN] ♪

Got something on his mind.

You bet he has!

[MONKS CHANTING]

Say, I bet I can tell
you how it finishes.

Not in 1,000 years.

You have no way of
figuring out what the
end of my story is gonna be.

What do you want
to bet, you bastard?
You name it.

[EXCLAIMS]

PEPPE:
Good morning, Celestino.

Getting some fresh air?

I was waiting to talk to you.

If you'd like,
we'll go upstairs and talk
as much as you please.

No, not upstairs.

What we're going to
talk about must be
only between us.

It's nothing we
would want a woman
to hear. Have you eaten?

No.

Then suppose we have some food
down at the inn.

All right.

[MAN SINGING IN ITALIAN] ♪

Hey, suoraMemma,
you got something
for us to eat?

What would you like?
I'll fix whatever you like.

Fix us whatever you like.

To your health!

To yours!

To us.

Hey, suoraMemma,
how about
a little of that food?

You know, we had better hurry,
or Margherita'll
wonder where we are.

She might ask.

That's right, she might.
That's well said.

Huh? What do you mean?
Might as well said?

I mean that she won't ask.
She's not lonely, so why
should she ask where we are?

What do you mean?

I wouldn't accuse lightly if
I were you. Perhaps a slip of
the lip, Celestino?

No, it's not my habit to
accuse unless I'm convinced.

You'd put your head upon the
block that Margherita's
been cheating on us?

I want to thank
you for telling me.

It was my duty!

Now, what's the next move?

You must first catch the
two of them in the act.

Where, though?

Follow me.

Hey, suoraMemma!

One night I heard
a noise in her room.

I thought it was you coming
home early. I knocked on
the door, but no one answered.

So I peeked inside, and I saw
a young fellow sneaking
out the window.

He was carrying half his
clothes. They must've
figured I was watching,

so the next night they set up
a meeting somewhere else.

What a dirty trick!

If you need my help,
call on me.

Thank you.

From this day on I'm your
true brother. That means for
life and for death.

Brothers for
life and for death!

Oh, shit!

Little bastard!
If I'd only been in your shoes

when you saw that
kid in our room,
I would've murdered them both,

like a pair of dogs.

Why kill her, too?
He's the only one
you should kill.

And not her? The bitch!

What? And break up
our little family?

There's the meeting place!

[MONKS CHANTING]

So, the next morning,
following old
Celo's advice to the letter,

Peppe Bellomo
pretended to leave town.

He said that he had to
buy a stud at
the horse fair that day.

And as soon as he was gone,
his slut ran
off to the meadow.

[CHUCKLES]

Mammone, for Christ's sake,
they mean it.

The sons of bitches
are really gonna do it!

"The summer breeze
caressed her hair.

"The wind carried
the soft perfume
of the meadow.

"The only sound was that
of silence that lets

"you hear the distant
voices in the streets."

"And the chattering and
singing of glad-hearted
people who know

"the joys of living.
Of life under blue skies.
Yeah."

You're ready, yeah?

Yeah, I'm ready.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[SNAPPING]

Hey, what
the hell's going on, huh?

Oh, nothing, don't stop.

[SCREAMING]

[GASPING]

[MONKS CHANTING]

It drove her mad. Finally they
put her in the madhouse, but
within a few days she died,

so it didn't matter.

[CHUCKLING]

And the two
"brothers," well, they were
tried and condemned to be hung

the same as you
and I are going
to hang.

Bastard,
I told you how it would end.
I was right. Fuck you.

Oh, you idiot!
But it's not the end!
Will you let me finish?

Then tell me quick!

[PLAYING A TUNE]

Celestino, I'm going to ask
you a question. Would you
rather remain up here,

or would you
rather live again down
on the Earth?

Please,
Good Lord, I'd rather stay
in Heaven with You.

[WHISPERING] Send him to Hell.

And you, Peppe?

Yes, please,
may I too stay at Your
side in Heaven, Good Lord?

[WHISPERING] Send him to Hell.

GOD: And you, Margherita?

I want to stay
here too, Dear Lord.

Thy kingdom is here,
I ask only to
stay here with You.

[WHISPERING] Send her to Hell.

And you, Piuccio?

I would like to
see the people of our
good old Earth once again.

Let me return until
I've drunk my fill, eh?

Mm-hmm...

Forgive me, Dear Lord

I know am not saying
what I should as a Christian,

I go to church and
worship the Lord.

But just permit me the time
to eat,
and to drink and to be merry.

I'd like to enjoy the wine,
and women,
and, you know...

[WHISPERING] Send
him to paradise.

[BOTH LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

[WHIMSICAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]