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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:16,200 There you go. That's a steal, that - 50 quid. 2 00:00:16,240 --> 00:00:17,880 Yeah, I just... 3 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:21,440 Have you got the computer bit as well? 4 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:24,240 What do you mean? It's all in here. 5 00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:26,960 This is the monitor, so... 6 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:29,720 ...that's literally just the screen, and nothing else. 7 00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:34,880 Cos, normally, there's a thing that comes with both of these. It's the computer - 8 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:37,760 and that's the expensive bit, that's the main thing. 9 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:41,680 Yeah. That's that. That's what that is. 10 00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:43,400 I... I... 11 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:45,800 Yeah... OK. 12 00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:54,920 Kurtan is not a natural negotiator, because he can't give a straight answer. 13 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:56,240 That's why I go with him, 14 00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:58,920 because I'm not afraid to grab the bull by the horns, 15 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:00,080 and put the turkey on the table. 16 00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:02,520 - Nothing. 17 00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:05,240 Are you looking at my collection of Compare 18 00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:06,440 Yeah. 19 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:08,560 Yeah, cos you've seen the adverts, ain't you? 20 00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:09,520 Yeah. 21 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:12,560 Yeah? Cos he's the main one, and he's a laugh. 22 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:15,360 Right? But he's not the main one, but he's a laugh, in his own way. 23 00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:16,360 Yeah. 24 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,440 And I think that's why they get on so well, 25 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:19,920 cos they're both such a laugh - 26 00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:22,560 but I just need the Baby Oleg now, and then the set's complete. 27 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:23,680 Yeah, yeah. 28 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:26,520 You don't know anyone selling a Baby Oleg, do you? 29 00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:28,000 - I don't... - Don't, sorry. 30 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:29,040 ...know of anyone. 31 00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:32,120 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, def... Absolutely. 32 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,440 Definitely, definitely. 33 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:36,760 Well? 34 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:40,320 Yeah, I just... It's... 35 00:01:41,320 --> 00:01:45,240 The thing is, it's just not really what I'm looking for at the moment. 36 00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:49,760 I... I could still take it off your ha-hands... 37 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:53,000 ...for a small fee - sort of, fiver or something. 38 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:57,320 Higher than that, maybe, a little bit. Er... 39 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,160 I mean, what do you... 40 00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:05,440 50 would be... better. 41 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:07,160 - Yeah. - Yeah. 42 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:09,400 - 50 quid! - I know. 43 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:12,920 It ain't worth 50p. You didn't help either. Could have said something. 44 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,320 - I did! - Well, you know it's not... 45 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:15,480 Did I not? I was about to. 46 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:18,920 It's obvious there's no computer bit with this. 50 quid! You know it's not worth... 47 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,840 Da! Da, Da! 48 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,440 All right, Da? - All right. 49 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:26,680 - Kurtan. 50 00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:30,640 - I've got a job, if you fancy it. - Er... 51 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:32,840 - Well, I haven't got any work on. 52 00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:35,160 Bit of labouring, heavy lifting and that. 53 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,200 Er... - I ain't got any work on. 54 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,120 - I dunno. - Cash in hand. 55 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,280 - Yeah, all right, then. Yeah, go on. - Yeah. 56 00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:43,520 - I'll pick you up tomorrow at seven. - Yeah, nice one. 57 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:45,440 - Yeah, I... I haven't got any work on. - Good, then. 58 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:46,800 - Yeah. - All right, see you, Da. 59 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:48,720 - Cheers, Mart. All right. - See you. 60 00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:55,640 It would've been nice to work with my dad and the lads, 61 00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:57,320 but, if I'm honest, 62 00:02:57,360 --> 00:03:00,320 it's probably best I keep my head down at the moment, anyway. 63 00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:03,080 Basically, somebody's been sending me threatening letters, 64 00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:05,320 and I don't know who's doing it - 65 00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:09,000 and I am concerned, because my peripheral vision is poor, 66 00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:11,520 so, if somebody attacks me from the sides 67 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:14,760 or snipes at me from an upstairs window, I am fucked - 68 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:18,120 but my hearing is excellent, see? So I just need to spend a few days inside 69 00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:21,640 honing my sonar, and I'll be fine then. 70 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:23,280 Mum, can I come in? 71 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,200 Well, do you think you can go to the shop? Cos we're out of loo roll. 72 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:33,240 I can't. What if I get attacked or something? 73 00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:51,080 I ain't worried about the physical nature of the job. 74 00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:53,640 I've done my fair share of physical stuff. 75 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:55,200 The only thing I'm worried about 76 00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:58,080 is fucking spending the whole day with fucking Martin. 77 00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:02,160 A few rules. No moaning, no complaining, no negative Nancies. 78 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,200 OK. 79 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,120 If you don't like the work, the circus is in town 80 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:07,200 - and they're always looking for clowns. - Right. 81 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:08,920 - 30 minutes for lunch. - Right. 82 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:11,480 Any longer than that gets taken out your wage packet. 83 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:12,560 OK. 84 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,840 And every Tuesday's cake Tuesday, 85 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,960 where you bring in a cake that you've baked for us all to share. 86 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:19,000 OK. 87 00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:22,840 Whoever has the least delicious cake has to buy the rounds in at the Keepers. 88 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:23,920 Right, OK. 89 00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,640 - Yeah. - Yeah, that's fine. 90 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:27,800 Sorry, Martin, just one more thing, mate. Er... 91 00:04:27,840 --> 00:04:31,120 - Your mug is your own responsibility... - Right. 92 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,080 ...and if I find your dirty mug sitting in the van, 93 00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:36,200 I'll have absolutely no hesitation in smashing it in the road. Capeesh? 94 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:37,880 Yeah. Understood. 95 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:39,520 There you go. 96 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,600 Just pop those next to the cement mixer. 97 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:43,200 Jesus Christ. 98 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:46,360 Kurtan's just going to drown like a pig in the sea. 99 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:48,560 You know, it's all well and good him doing this job, 100 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:51,480 but if they start taking the piss out of his nan or his birthmark, 101 00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:53,560 his soul is just going to crumble to dust. 102 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:55,680 Christ, you watch the Swindon game last night? 103 00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:56,840 Course I did. 104 00:04:56,880 --> 00:05:00,200 What a joke. Some of them are not fit to wear the shirt, I say. 105 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,880 Ker said to me, she goes, "You know that Luke Norris?" 106 00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:07,640 She goes, "He gets paid two grand to play football." 107 00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:10,480 I said to her, "He doesn't get paid two grand to play football. 108 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:13,480 "He gets paid two grand to fall on his arse the whole game." 109 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:17,400 Sorry, Kursty, 110 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:18,960 - Yeah. 111 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,560 Martin don't like it when other people make jokes on the site. 112 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:25,040 He's the only one who is allowed to make the jokes on site. 113 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:26,320 Right. OK. 114 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,360 So, that's that. And on top of the joke, 115 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:33,560 never, ever joke about Swindon Football Club, ever. 116 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:35,360 - Especially Luke Norris. - Right. 117 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:37,600 Cos Martin used to play darts with his dad, 118 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:40,600 - and he basically sees Luke like a son. - OK. 119 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:43,280 So if you ever think of any other jokes, come to me, tell me, 120 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:44,520 and I'll pass them on to Martin, 121 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:47,000 and let you know if he finds them funny or not, all right? 122 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:49,840 Yeah. That's fine. Cheers, Dan. 123 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,560 A hard hat may protect you from a falling brick, 124 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:56,920 but it will not protect you from banter. 125 00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:59,600 You don't need a hard hat, you need a hard heart. 126 00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:01,440 Do you want a cup of tea, Kurst? 127 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:04,400 I'd bloody love one. Cheers, Dan, mate. 128 00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:05,720 Where's your mug, then? 129 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:09,640 Shit. I left it in the van. 130 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:17,600 Sweep that up, Kurst. 131 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,360 Yep. 132 00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:22,640 Sort it out, Kursty. 133 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:33,480 Got another letter today, 134 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,240 and I think it's the worst of the lot. 135 00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:39,320 I'm no closer to finding out who it is either. 136 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:42,480 It's pretty scary, cos they're coming through my door, 137 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:44,880 which means they probably know where I live. 138 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,080 Yeah, just thought I'd let you know, I've got the Baby Oleg now 139 00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:55,160 from a smoke-free home and a pet-free home, 140 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:58,720 so, the set's complete, if you want to come round and have a look at 'em, 141 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,640 cos I remember you saying how much you liked the set, didn't you? 142 00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:04,120 Yeah, cheers, Mand. 143 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:05,640 - Yeah. 144 00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:06,960 What's the matter with your face? 145 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:08,640 Have you gone off Compare 146 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,320 No, I ain't gone off Compare-the-Meerkats.com, I just... 147 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:13,600 I should hope not - I've come all the way over here, 148 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:16,040 cos you said about the Baby Oleg, and I thought you was interested. 149 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:18,760 Yeah, no, I am. I am really interested in Oleg. 150 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:21,160 Right. What's the matter, then? 151 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:29,520 "Dear Kerry, I cannot stop fantasising about you. 152 00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:31,800 "My latest was the best. 153 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:35,920 "I'm cleaning out my shed when you come in and tell me 154 00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,880 "you want to sand down a chair leg, 155 00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:44,000 "so you use my mouth as a vice and tell me I cannot breathe. 156 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:47,160 "I breathe involuntarily to stay alive, 157 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:50,600 "and you punch me in the lungs and tell me how pathetic I am." 158 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,320 The sick, sick bastard. 159 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,560 It's just... I don't know what to do, Mand. 160 00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:58,440 It's all right, I'll help you. 161 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:01,000 We'll find him, yeah? And we're going to fuck him up. 162 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:03,760 - You'll be safe with me, Ker. - Cheers, Mand. 163 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,280 That's all right, that's what I do. 164 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:21,600 Dear! God... 165 00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:23,600 No, no... 166 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:24,880 OK... 167 00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,320 Dear. 168 00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:32,800 God. God. 169 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:38,360 No, no... 170 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:39,760 No. 171 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:41,440 No, that's bad. 172 00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:46,280 Ooh... 173 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:47,560 And... 174 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:51,200 ...out it goes. 175 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:52,240 That's it. 176 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:56,080 Down... 177 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:57,400 Down there, that's it. 178 00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:00,280 Just like that. 179 00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:02,560 Right. Next load. 180 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:04,720 - Just a quick question, Kursty. - Yes. 181 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:06,480 Are you going to do it like that every time? 182 00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,400 - I-I shouldn't think so, no. - Right. 183 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:09,800 OK. 184 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:11,120 Look at this. 185 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:12,520 Whoa. 186 00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:14,800 I never leave the house without a pair of these. 187 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:17,920 "Why?" you ask. Well, this is why. 188 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,600 That's... really good. 189 00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:37,560 See that? Pure martial arts. 190 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:39,160 - Yah! Like that. - Yeah. 191 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:42,560 Do a defence, or... you can do a punching... 192 00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:44,160 "Yeah, whatever, all right, mate, yeah..." 193 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:47,080 Yah! Like that. Don't worry, I've got me range. I've got me range. 194 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,160 Now, what am I going to do now? 195 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:49,480 - I don't know. 196 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:51,680 We don't know, we don't know. It's a punch! Whaa! 197 00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:53,080 And I can get quite close to you. 198 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,040 Yes. 199 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:03,240 Yeah. 200 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:08,640 I ain't struggling. No. 201 00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:11,880 I made a few mistakes, yeah, but it's my first day... 202 00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:13,680 See you tomorrow. 203 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:16,600 ...and the relentless windups don't help, either - 204 00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:17,760 cos Martin and Dan, 205 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,720 they had me looking for tartan paint for about 40 minutes today. 206 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:24,080 I should've known, after the tartan paint, that he was having me on, 207 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:27,000 cos I spent another 20 minutes looking for striped paint. 208 00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:31,880 It took me half an hour to work out that... it's the same joke. 209 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,880 For fuck's sake! 210 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:50,880 I can't present that tomorrow. They'll annihilate me. 211 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:54,080 That is sunken as hell. 212 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:56,360 You may as well just stuff your face with it, Ker. 213 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:57,880 Nah, you're all right. 214 00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:00,200 Look, if you want the ganache, you'll have to frost it yourself. 215 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,280 The mix is in the bowl... but I ain't doing it for you, all right? 216 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:03,480 Nah, I'm just not hungry. 217 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:07,280 What? 218 00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:08,360 What? 219 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:12,480 - Nothing. 220 00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:15,200 You're off your food, and that worries me greatly. 221 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:26,240 "Dear Kerry, I often see you around the village. 222 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:29,800 "I have been having intense fantasies about you 223 00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:31,440 "that I feel I must share with you. 224 00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:36,600 "My dream is that you come over to mine in your Swindon shirt. 225 00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:40,000 "You come in to fix my washing machine, and you are all sweaty 226 00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:42,880 "cos you have been playing football in the park. 227 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:44,600 "You smell of BO... 228 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:47,320 "...but I don't mind. 229 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:52,200 "You are so strong, your hands are like spanners. 230 00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:53,800 "You lift me above your head 231 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:56,240 "and throw me to the other side of the room 232 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,120 "and smash me against the wall. 233 00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:04,440 "We arm-wrestle, and when you beat me, you tell me how pathetic I am. 234 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:07,560 "I give you my belt to whip me with, 235 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:10,160 "and my trousers fall down, 236 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:13,080 "and you laugh at my... genitals." 237 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:15,800 Threatening, innit? 238 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,880 Yeah. That's... 239 00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:21,240 They want to beat me up, don't they? 240 00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:26,120 - ...Yeah... - I wouldn't say... 241 00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:29,600 It's sort of... 242 00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:34,400 They... They want... you to beat them up... 243 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:38,480 ...but I don't think they're beating you up. 244 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:39,640 Really? 245 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:42,400 That's all right, then. 246 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:44,160 No. No, because... 247 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:50,360 Because they're getting, like, a... a thing out of it. 248 00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:52,400 What 249 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:55,960 Like... Well... 250 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,840 Like... 251 00:12:57,880 --> 00:12:59,720 A sexual thing. 252 00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:05,520 This really is not a good situation for me. 253 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:08,400 A physical threat is something that I can deal with, 254 00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:11,680 but a sexual thing is not my area of expertise. 255 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:23,560 Right, get your cakes out, you pair of fannies. 256 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:24,720 Go. 257 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,360 - Victoria sponge, mate. Classic. 258 00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:28,800 Ho, ho! Lovely. 259 00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:40,880 Dan, that's not bad at all. 260 00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:43,360 Especially after your Battenberg disaster. 261 00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:44,640 Cheers, Mart. 262 00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:47,240 Right, Kurst, what's your offering today? 263 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:49,880 Well... 264 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:52,120 There she is, in all her glory. 265 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:53,160 Lemon drizzle. 266 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,320 What's this? 267 00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:56,640 Is that shop 268 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:00,800 Yeah. 269 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:04,480 Sorry. Look, I... 270 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:08,640 I did try and bake one myself, I did, but I just can't do it. I can't bake. 271 00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:10,800 Listen... 272 00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:13,560 - No baker gets it right the first time. - Nah. 273 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,840 That is the beauty of baking. 274 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:17,440 It's trial and error. 275 00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:21,960 Do you think Dan could have produced that exquisite Victoria sponge 276 00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:24,000 without fucking up his Battenberg? No. 277 00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:27,200 No way. I mean, even the great Mr Kipling 278 00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:29,440 would admit to fucking up his first couple of Bakewells, right? 279 00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:30,480 Yeah, I suppose he would. 280 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:32,240 You need to get some more confidence, Kurst. 281 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:34,000 - Yeah. - Yeah. 282 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:37,840 Well, do you know what? I think... I think I'll give it a bloody good go next time. 283 00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:41,760 I really will, and I can't thank you enough. You know? 284 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,680 - That's the right attitude. 285 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:45,560 But remember, you've got to do the forfeit. 286 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,160 - Yeah. 287 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,000 Well, you brought in a shop-bought, 288 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,040 so you got to do a forfeit, mate. That's the rules. 289 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:52,800 What forfeit? 290 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:54,680 Er... 291 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:56,280 Slap that drink out that woman's hand. 292 00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:58,480 Yeah, go on, Kursty, that'll redeem you. 293 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,560 No, that's Slugs, I know him. 294 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:01,960 Yeah, but so what? 295 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,000 It's just, I... He's had a really hard time of it, he's had cancer. 296 00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:07,320 Grow a pair, Kurst. 297 00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:09,280 He ain't going to do it, Martin. He's a fanny, ain't he? 298 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:10,960 No, I ain't a fanny. I just... 299 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,320 Fuck... 300 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:14,360 All right, Kurtan? 301 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,880 All right, Slugs, mate? 302 00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:21,320 All right, mate, how's it going? 303 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:24,760 It's not good. 304 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,960 Really 305 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:29,520 Just really low, mate. 306 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:32,920 Why? 307 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:38,160 Just found out Kayleigh's been sending messages to other guys on Facebook. 308 00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:39,480 Shit. 309 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:42,800 Wh 310 00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:45,440 Sexual, mostly. 311 00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:50,840 God. So sorry to hear that, mate. 312 00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:51,880 Thanks. 313 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:54,880 She said she doesn't know what she wants. 314 00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:56,080 Yeah. 315 00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:58,160 I'm going over there now to see if I can work things out. 316 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:02,280 Well, it will... It will work itself out, mate. 317 00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:04,440 It's... It always... Yeah. 318 00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:05,920 I hope so. 319 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,200 Just really fucked in the head, mate. 320 00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:09,240 Yeah. 321 00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:10,720 - I don't know what to do. - Yeah. 322 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:16,520 That was good. 323 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:20,000 Nice one, Kurtan. Nice one, mate. 324 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:25,400 It's all right, it's all right. It's all right. 325 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:27,320 Well, Mandy very kindly offered to spend some time 326 00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:29,440 at my house for protection and that. 327 00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:33,840 She reckons it could be quite serious, and it could be very dangerous. 328 00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:37,400 - Yeah. 329 00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:39,800 Yeah, the reason I've offered to protect Kerry 330 00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:44,560 is cos I used to be in exactly the same situation before, 331 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:48,760 cos I was a stalker for about three or four years, and... 332 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,800 It... It got really bad at one point, 333 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:52,960 cos they were starring in Jack And The Beanstalk 334 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,360 at the Everyman Theatre... 335 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:58,000 I broke into their dressing room and just... 336 00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,360 ...and I stole all their shoes and that. 337 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:02,120 Police got involved. 338 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:06,920 I thought you were stalked on. 339 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,680 No, I was the stalker. 340 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:13,240 Yeah, cos the more I loved them, the more they rejected me, 341 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:16,440 the more they rejected me, the more I wanted to kill 'em, see? 342 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:19,640 That's just love, I suppose. 343 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:39,280 Cheers, John. 344 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:46,040 Shut up! 345 00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:53,840 Fuckin' hell! Jesus. 346 00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:06,000 What did Sandra say 347 00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:10,800 Fucking hell, there we go. 348 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:15,720 Right. 349 00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:26,280 You lied to me, Mick. 350 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:31,160 I couldn't tell you any sooner, because you wasn't here. 351 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:35,600 I asked you. I asked you if you'd told me everything. 352 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:41,040 You kissed her twice, Mick. 353 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:42,840 I know. 354 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:47,600 You not going to go home, do you think? 355 00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:49,080 - No. 356 00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:54,640 I can't... I can't protect you from me house, can I? 357 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:57,880 I'd be all right tonight. I'd be absolutely fine tonight. 358 00:18:57,920 --> 00:18:59,560 You say that. 359 00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:02,240 You know that night's the most dangerous time, right? 360 00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:04,640 Night-time was when I did all my business. 361 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:07,880 Who... Who was it that you did stalk? 362 00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:10,480 I could... I'm not allowed to say who it actually is, 363 00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:12,840 but I can tell you that it was a member of S Club 7 - 364 00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:14,400 - but I can't tell you which one. 365 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:16,880 Was it Bradley? 366 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:19,960 - No. 367 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,440 - No. 368 00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:25,560 - Jon's the other one. - No. 369 00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:27,480 Tina? 370 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:28,680 No. 371 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:32,240 - No. 372 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:37,400 - Rachel Stevens. - No. 373 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:40,400 Hannah Spearritt? 374 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:50,600 Yeah, go on, my son. Wahey, there we go. There we go. 375 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,040 Fucking shots! 376 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,080 - No...! - Yeah, let's do shots, come on! 377 00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:55,600 I don't know, mate. 378 00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:57,680 Come on, John. Get the shots out! 379 00:19:57,720 --> 00:19:58,760 Dan, you'll have a shot! 380 00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:00,280 I don't know. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. 381 00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:01,400 Come on! 382 00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:02,720 - Maybe... - Do a shot! 383 00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:03,840 He's doing it now, isn't he? 384 00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:06,240 Come on, you big bald fanny, do a shot! 385 00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:10,280 Come on. I don't mind getting them in. Honestly. You'll do one. 386 00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:11,400 Yeah? 387 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:14,080 - Absolutely, mate, yeah. 388 00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:16,000 - Let's do it now. Social? 389 00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:18,760 - Cheers, John, mate. - Yeah. See you, John. 390 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,080 All right, see you... See you tomorrow, lads. 391 00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:22,520 Yeah, yeah. 392 00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:25,160 Fuck. 393 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,640 Rack 'em up, then, John. 394 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,040 Fuckin' hell. 395 00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:30,480 Quickly, mate! 396 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,080 Yeah. 397 00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:33,840 Fuck, what a night tonight. 398 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:36,200 Pint to pint with Martin Mucklowe. 399 00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:47,000 Absolutely battered last night. 400 00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:52,320 Can't wait for a debrief with the lads as well. 401 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:56,280 Cor! Last night was a random one, wasn't it?! 402 00:20:58,600 --> 00:20:59,800 Cor. 403 00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:01,040 Checked my phone this morning. 404 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:03,080 Only texted my ex about six times last night! 405 00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:06,720 One of... One of them was a video of me crying for about ten minutes. 406 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:07,960 What a numpty. 407 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:11,160 Can't even remember getting home either. 408 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,480 So, you're not fit for work, then? 409 00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:16,320 Well... We were all drinking last night. 410 00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:19,040 - No. 411 00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:23,080 I can metabolise a pint in five minutes. Dan in seven. 412 00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:27,680 You, on the other hand, were taking the piss out of me and my site, 413 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,760 - See ya. 414 00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:33,040 Yeah. See ya. 415 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,640 I don't work with clowns, I only work with kings. 416 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:40,280 What, y 417 00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:42,480 What have I done? I haven't done anything wrong. 418 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:44,000 - Well... 419 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:49,480 Is this about me calling you a big bald fanny last night? 420 00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,560 Cos the atmosphere just totally changed after that. 421 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:53,600 Yeah, well, to be fair, mate, it was bang out of order, wasn't it? 422 00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:58,000 My... I knew it was. That... Do you know how sad that is? 423 00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:01,480 That is so, actually, sad. That makes me sad for you, 424 00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:03,200 that you can't take a joke. 425 00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:06,480 That was just a joke, and you're sacking me for making a joke. 426 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:08,840 That is... What am I going to do for work? 427 00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:10,600 - Go to joke school. 428 00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:13,560 Well, if I need to go to joke school, 429 00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:16,040 you need to go back to shagging school, then, mate. 430 00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:17,200 - Yeah. 431 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:18,640 I overheard your Sandra in the post office, 432 00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:20,200 saying, yeah, you might have a big knob, 433 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:21,800 but you don't know what the bloody hell to do with it. 434 00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:25,280 - Right, that's it, get off the site now. - I'm going, mate. I am going. 435 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:27,200 All the gear, no idea. 436 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:34,560 I will not miss working for Martin Mucklowe. 437 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:36,480 He is a disturbed individual. 438 00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:40,200 Did you hear him say he got tossed off by his mother 439 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:42,440 She's 86. 440 00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:46,120 I'd rather shag Kerry's mum... 441 00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:48,960 ...and to think he's done 'em both... 442 00:23:02,360 --> 00:23:03,840 Yes! 443 00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:06,160 Bakers... 444 00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:08,480 Someone's here! 445 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:11,080 Whoa! 446 00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:12,600 Are you all right? 447 00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:14,440 - You was lucky. - Yeah. 448 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:16,840 Are you all right? 449 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:19,720 Yeah. How was work? 450 00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:22,200 I got sacked. 451 00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:23,400 Why? 452 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:25,760 I really can't be arsed explaining about it now. 453 00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:28,120 - Happy families. 454 00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:31,080 Can I play? 455 00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:33,480 Yeah, I've pretty much won this round, anyway. 456 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,040 What's the rules, again? 457 00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:43,040 Mandy makes up the rules each... 458 00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:44,640 - I don't make 'em up. - No. 459 00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:46,520 - That's what they are. - Yeah. 460 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,200 Two goes for the eldest... 461 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:51,880 - Yeah. - Yeah. 462 00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:53,600 Which is Mandy. 463 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:56,760 Two cards - one, one, two. 464 00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:59,440 One, one, two. 465 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:01,520 One, one, two. 466 00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:03,640 One, one, two. 467 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:05,880 One, one, two... 468 00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:07,960 - Ooh, it's another letter! 469 00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:10,720 This is it! Right! 470 00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:13,800 Get back, get back. 471 00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:15,280 Here he is. 472 00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:17,800 Sit down! 473 00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:20,680 I'm not... I was just... All right! Christ! 474 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:23,360 I was just coming by to give Kurtan the recipe for my Victoria sponge, 475 00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:24,600 because I know how much he likes it. 476 00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:28,360 - That's not... That's just... I mean... 477 00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:31,920 "Dear Kerry, today I fantasised 478 00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:35,040 "that you were dressed as Miss Trunchbull from Matilda, 479 00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:38,440 "and you were trying out some new boxing gloves, 480 00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:40,920 "and you didn't have a punchbag, 481 00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:43,280 "so I let you try them out on my balls." 482 00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:44,760 Fuck's sake! 483 00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:47,040 This some sort of wank-fest for you, is it? 484 00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:51,800 Objectifying some poor girl for your own pleasure? 485 00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:54,520 It ain't like that, right? I wank over her as a compliment. 486 00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:56,120 Right? I don't mean nothing by it. 487 00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:57,600 It's a compliment, is it? 488 00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:02,600 Kerry, how does it feel to have some dirty pervert wanking over you? 489 00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:05,280 Er... 490 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:13,400 Well... Like, the strength stuff's all right. 491 00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:14,920 I think that's quite good. 492 00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:19,680 It's just... the other stuff... I really, really, really, really don't like it. 493 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:22,120 All right, well, you know, I can respect that, and... 494 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:24,240 I think I just got a bit carried away with the whole thing. 495 00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:26,720 I wouldn't do it if I knew you didn't like it, you know? 496 00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:30,040 Yeah. Cos, I mean, like the stuff about me being strong and that, 497 00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:31,680 I don't mind... 498 00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:35,040 - That's the bit I don't mind. - No... 499 00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:36,600 So, that's quite good. 500 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:39,840 Yeah, it's all right. There's no harm in it, strength stuff? 501 00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:40,760 No. 502 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:42,160 - Yeah. 503 00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:43,360 I didn't mind the strength stuff. 504 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:45,400 - No. 505 00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,120 Well... Yeah, I... I'm with you on that. 506 00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:49,400 Yeah, me, too. 507 00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:52,560 All right, then. Well... What if I was to write another letter, right? 508 00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:54,040 Bear with me. 509 00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:56,400 Kerry's working in the garage, right? 510 00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:58,800 Strongest girl in the whole garage, right? 511 00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:02,080 She doesn't even need a jack to lift the car up, she does everything by her hands. 512 00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:04,560 - That is strong. 513 00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:08,200 One day, Land Rover comes in - massive, right? Really heavy. 514 00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:09,880 And you end up actually lifting it so high, 515 00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:13,520 you lift the whole thing above your head, you're that strong. How's that? 516 00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:15,480 That... That's the end of the story? 517 00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:18,640 - Well, then, yeah. - That's good. 518 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:20,120 - Yeah. - That's great. 519 00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:22,720 - I think that's good, that's fine. - That's really good, that. 520 00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:25,640 Yeah. It's good... It's a good story about strength... 521 00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:26,680 Yeah. 522 00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:28,840 ...and there is nothing sexual, and I'm happy with that, if you are. 523 00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:30,360 - I'm happy. - Cos now I know. 524 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:31,800 Cos I wouldn't write anything sexual about you. 525 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:33,440 Jesus, I don't want you coming round, beating me up. 526 00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:35,040 Yeah, we would beat you up. 527 00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:36,760 - We would beat you up. - Well, mainly Mandy, 528 00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:38,920 - I know you're not really... - No, I would beat you up, as well. 529 00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:42,800 - I am a fighter. That's what I live for. 530 00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:44,880 - Yeah, I've been in fights. 531 00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:48,320 I was in a fight with Darren Macy at the bus... bus shelter. 532 00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:51,160 I grabbed him by the hood and just smashed his face into a wall. 533 00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:54,040 So, if you ever send me a letter again, yeah, 534 00:26:54,080 --> 00:26:55,920 I will absolutely batter you, mate! 535 00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:58,560 - Ker, Ker, Ker...! 536 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:00,800 You've given him a stonk-on. 537 00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:02,120 - My God. - Christ. 538 00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:03,000 Well... 539 00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:04,640 - All right, let's get out of here. - All right! 540 00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:06,280 - Come on, you. - Christ, I'm going. All right! 541 00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:10,040 Get out, you dirty, dirty, dirty, disgusting bastard! 542 00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:11,600 All right, Christ! 543 00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:18,600 Well, that was fucking weird. 544 00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:21,240 Yeah. 545 00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:22,920 Are you all right? 546 00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:24,280 I think so. 547 00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:28,240 Do you want to play happy families? 548 00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:30,200 - Yeah. 549 00:27:39,360 --> 00:27:43,520 I'm so relieved all that is just finished with. 550 00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:44,560 Yeah. 551 00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:46,160 It's not even him, it was her. 552 00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:49,040 I just thought she was never gonna leave. 40824

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