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1
00:00:05,739 --> 00:00:10,120
This is 113 on
your FM dial at 7:30.
2
00:00:10,144 --> 00:00:12,922
Rachel! David! Breakfast.
3
00:00:12,946 --> 00:00:15,158
Barney, get the
kids up for breakfast.
4
00:00:15,182 --> 00:00:18,128
Two banks on Wall Street
were destroyed by explosions
5
00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:19,696
in the early hours
of the morning.
6
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:20,998
Ugh!
7
00:00:21,022 --> 00:00:23,133
A new garbage strike
looms on the horizon.
8
00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,834
Wonderful.
9
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:26,436
And street gangs here
have claimed the lives
10
00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:28,805
of two additional victims.
11
00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:32,409
Three Japanese terrorists
have hijacked an Italian airliner
12
00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:33,977
and, in retaliation,
13
00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:38,570
three Italian terrorists have
blown up a Japanese restaurant.
14
00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:48,158
Come on, everybody, up
please. Up for breakfast.
15
00:00:48,182 --> 00:00:50,727
What's the weather
look like outside?
16
00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:52,629
It's brown today.
17
00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:53,963
Is it raining?
18
00:00:53,987 --> 00:00:55,965
Something's coming down,
but I don't think it's water.
19
00:00:55,989 --> 00:00:56,966
What is it?
20
00:00:56,990 --> 00:00:59,102
It's a new plague.
Isn't it pretty?
21
00:00:59,126 --> 00:01:01,038
A little brown rain is
normal for New York
22
00:01:01,062 --> 00:01:02,406
at this time of year.
23
00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:03,606
If it gets a little colder,
24
00:01:03,630 --> 00:01:06,190
we can look forward
to a tan Christmas.
25
00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:10,013
I don't think you
should go to work today.
26
00:01:10,037 --> 00:01:13,072
A little brown in the air
never bothered me yet.
27
00:01:16,177 --> 00:01:20,290
I think you should resign
from the police force today.
28
00:01:20,314 --> 00:01:24,183
I think you should go to Montana
and buy a chicken farm today.
29
00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:26,530
I don't like chickens.
30
00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:28,298
You don't know chickens.
31
00:01:28,322 --> 00:01:32,536
You've only seen them
frozen, with pimples
32
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:34,571
and wrapped in plastic.
33
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:39,242
You've never seen them
cute and lively with their fur on.
34
00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:40,810
Fur?
35
00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:43,068
You'll be crazy about Montana.
36
00:01:45,672 --> 00:01:47,350
You really hate it, I'm a cop.
37
00:01:47,374 --> 00:01:48,385
Yes.
38
00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:49,886
Don't beat around the bush.
39
00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:51,154
Are you aware of the fact
40
00:01:51,178 --> 00:01:52,956
that someone tried to
break in here last night?
41
00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:54,057
How do you know?
42
00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:57,394
Because there's a
clean spot on the window.
43
00:01:57,418 --> 00:01:59,396
They must not have
wanted to get in very badly.
44
00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:00,797
If they really
wanted to break in,
45
00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:02,632
the bars on that window
wouldn't have stopped them.
46
00:02:02,656 --> 00:02:05,034
Then why did we put them up for?
47
00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:07,270
Don't you remember? I made
a promise when we got married.
48
00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:09,772
I said I would do everything
I could to make you happy.
49
00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:11,975
You wanted bars,
I gave you bars.
50
00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:14,933
I'm very grateful.
I love my bars.
51
00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:19,249
Are you aware
that statistics show
52
00:02:19,273 --> 00:02:22,519
that there is more crime in
the streets than in the home?
53
00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:24,423
There's more
room in the streets.
54
00:02:26,347 --> 00:02:28,725
Now an item from the
world of entertainment.
55
00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:30,827
Three people were
slain in a theatre last night
56
00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:34,264
during a first act
intermission robbery attempt.
57
00:02:34,288 --> 00:02:36,833
Now, once again,
your musical interlude.
58
00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:39,669
This is 113 on your FM dial,
59
00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:43,640
on the 101st floor of the
Empire State Building.
60
00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:44,974
Have a good day.
61
00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:49,301
Yeah, yeah, up there
where nobody can get to you.
62
00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:37,727
Ooh, I'm having dinner
with Stanley tonight.
63
00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:38,861
Tonight? It's a school night.
64
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:40,530
It's a special occasion.
65
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:41,565
We're celebrating the printing
66
00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:42,832
of Stanley's first
business cards.
67
00:03:42,856 --> 00:03:44,000
What do you think?
68
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:46,135
"Stanley M. Mankiewitz,
Attorney-at-Law.
69
00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:47,704
Public Defender's Office."
70
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,038
Raised letters.
71
00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:50,907
Come on, will you,
or we're gonna be late.
72
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:52,509
Hurry up, hurry
up. Give me a kiss.
73
00:03:52,533 --> 00:03:53,677
All right, see you.
74
00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:54,877
Bye, Dad. Have a good day.
75
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:56,346
Bye bye, babies. Bye!
76
00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:58,903
Take a crowded bus.
77
00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:04,688
You all right?
78
00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:07,746
I have a "something's
rotten in Denmark" feeling.
79
00:04:11,318 --> 00:04:14,163
Would you consider
not going to work today
80
00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:16,165
and taking me for a
drive in the country?
81
00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:18,935
Liz, you heard the radio.
Shootings, bombings.
82
00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:20,525
It's my busy season.
83
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:24,974
You really love it, don't you?
84
00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:28,411
You say, "shootings and
bombings," your eyes light up.
85
00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:31,013
Would it make you happier
if I didn't like my work?
86
00:04:31,037 --> 00:04:33,583
It would make me happy
if you liked me better.
87
00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:35,485
I don't think you
like me better.
88
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:36,620
That is ridiculous.
89
00:04:36,644 --> 00:04:38,455
You remember the day
you got your gold badge?
90
00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:40,089
How excited you were?
91
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,891
Do you know what
that means to a wife
92
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:43,526
to know that her
husband is more excited
93
00:04:43,550 --> 00:04:46,110
about his badge than her body?
94
00:04:46,186 --> 00:04:47,497
That's nonsense.
95
00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:51,368
I was every bit as excited
by your body as my badge.
96
00:04:51,392 --> 00:04:53,870
More probably.
97
00:04:53,894 --> 00:04:56,773
Sometimes your sense
of humor really annoys me.
98
00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:58,107
Goodbye, Liz.
99
00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:00,143
I have criminals waiting.
100
00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:01,878
I'll take you to the
country this weekend.
101
00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:05,882
No. Today, please. Humor me?
102
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:07,250
I've humored you.
103
00:05:07,274 --> 00:05:08,585
When?
104
00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:12,054
That night on the other side of
the George Washington Bridge,
105
00:05:12,078 --> 00:05:15,158
in the back seat
of the Studebaker.
106
00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:18,060
You promised you would
never throw that up to me.
107
00:05:18,084 --> 00:05:19,128
Don't be silly.
108
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:21,331
I throw it up to you
every chance I can get.
109
00:05:21,355 --> 00:05:22,499
I know.
110
00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:24,801
I just thought this was
another good opportunity.
111
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:28,070
Liz, I've had a wonderful
time, but I really have to go.
112
00:05:28,094 --> 00:05:30,762
That's what you said that
night in the Studebaker.
113
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:35,200
See you. Goodbye.
114
00:05:46,347 --> 00:05:48,628
12th Precinct. Detective
First Grade Harris.
115
00:05:49,616 --> 00:05:52,595
Yes, ma'am. A man
peeping on your fire escape?
116
00:05:52,619 --> 00:05:54,931
What's the address, ma'am?
117
00:05:54,955 --> 00:05:56,132
Ah-hum.
118
00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:59,569
Third floor rear bedroom window.
119
00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:02,038
What does he look like, ma'am?
120
00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:07,444
Tall, 180 pounds, dark hair.
121
00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:09,612
Nicely dressed.
122
00:06:09,636 --> 00:06:11,670
Cute smile.
123
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:15,017
Uh, yes, ma'am.
124
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:17,481
Call back if you need us.
125
00:06:18,345 --> 00:06:20,490
Have a good day.
126
00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:22,492
Get inside, Harry.
127
00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:23,827
If you cannot
afford an attorney,
128
00:06:23,851 --> 00:06:25,829
the court will provide one
at no expense to yourself.
129
00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:26,996
You understand?
130
00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:28,264
Yeah, I understand!
131
00:06:28,288 --> 00:06:30,367
Come on, Wojciehowicz,
give me a break.
132
00:06:30,391 --> 00:06:33,425
Sure, what do you want broken?
133
00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:37,674
Bookmaking, possession
of gambling records.
134
00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:41,077
Wait a minute, I want an
attorney at no cost to myself.
135
00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:43,179
What for? You're guilty.
136
00:06:43,203 --> 00:06:44,781
You mind if I don't
take your word?
137
00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:47,617
Yeah, bank roll and
betting slips, Harry.
138
00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:49,886
You got caught with
all this stuff on you.
139
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,388
Names, figures.
140
00:06:51,412 --> 00:06:53,990
$125, collect Paluzzi.
141
00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:56,693
$350, pay Schaeffer.
142
00:06:56,717 --> 00:06:58,561
You're getting careless, Harry.
143
00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:01,598
$65, collect Yemana.
144
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,624
12th Precinct, Sergeant Yemana.
145
00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:10,573
You're getting very
careless, Harry.
146
00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:13,843
Hey, you guys are
making a big mistake!
147
00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:16,413
You were sitting on top of the
man, beating him with a brick.
148
00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:19,181
Hey, self defense,
man! He hit me first!
149
00:07:19,205 --> 00:07:22,318
I was just, you
know... Mugging him.
150
00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:24,320
Right on!
151
00:07:24,344 --> 00:07:28,190
I say, "Hey, man, give me
your money", you know?
152
00:07:28,214 --> 00:07:30,593
And the next thing
I know, he hits me.
153
00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:33,618
That guy, he must be from
out of town or something!
154
00:07:35,221 --> 00:07:38,200
I got to go to the
can, you know?
155
00:07:38,224 --> 00:07:40,202
You're embarrassing,
you know that?
156
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:45,642
Hey, Puerto Riceño man, I
didn't know you were Puerto Rican!
157
00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:47,944
Because you're so embarrassing!
158
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:50,146
You know what I feel like when
I hear somebody screaming,
159
00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:51,247
"Help, police, murder!
160
00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:52,582
Call the cops.
Somebody's getting killed."
161
00:07:52,606 --> 00:07:53,883
And I find a Puerto Rican
162
00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:55,685
beating the hell
out of some whitey?
163
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:57,520
I got to pull out
my piece and say,
164
00:07:57,544 --> 00:07:59,322
"Hold on there!
Hands in the air.
165
00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:02,547
Police officer, thank you,"
because I am embarrassed.
166
00:08:05,418 --> 00:08:07,296
Don't you have any aspirin?
167
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,432
I never use it. Don't need it.
168
00:08:09,456 --> 00:08:10,834
Maybe you don't
eat the right things.
169
00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:15,004
Clean mind and a healthy body.
170
00:08:15,028 --> 00:08:17,607
Hey, anybody want
to work vice tomorrow?
171
00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:19,676
Me! I'll take it!
172
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:21,177
You worked vice last week.
173
00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:24,235
I'm a policeman, baby. I
goes where I'm needed!
174
00:08:25,639 --> 00:08:28,006
Come on, Harry, they want
to talk to you downtown.
175
00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:32,421
Hey, Yemana, ain't there
something you can do for me?
176
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,256
Oh, here's $20.
177
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:36,760
I'll pay you the rest
when you get out.
178
00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:41,965
Hey, he won't let
me go to the can!
179
00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:44,200
Hey, Chano, take
him to the bathroom.
180
00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:46,102
You take him.
They're your cuffs.
181
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:48,104
All right, come on.
182
00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:49,372
I'm in bad shape!
183
00:08:49,396 --> 00:08:50,874
Me too.
184
00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:52,041
I need a fix.
185
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:53,431
I need a vacation.
186
00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:56,212
Just a minute, please.
187
00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:58,648
Hey, Harris, last week
when you was working vice,
188
00:08:58,672 --> 00:09:00,750
were you disguised as a Rabbi?
189
00:09:00,774 --> 00:09:02,018
Yeah, why?
190
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:04,420
Did you have to forcibly
subdue a guy in a delicatessen?
191
00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:05,522
Yeah.
192
00:09:05,546 --> 00:09:08,580
It's for you. It's
the B'nai B'rith.
193
00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:12,729
Okay, everybody
put your hands up!
194
00:09:12,753 --> 00:09:14,063
Take it easy, kid!
195
00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:16,132
Get your hands up and
get away from the door!
196
00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:17,534
You too! Get your hands up!
197
00:09:17,558 --> 00:09:20,403
Now I'm really embarrassed.
198
00:09:20,427 --> 00:09:22,805
Don't try to stop me. I
want to get out of here!
199
00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:24,829
I'll kill anybody
who tries to stop me.
200
00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:27,677
Get out of my way.
201
00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:29,679
I swear I'm gonna kill
everybody in this damn place
202
00:09:29,703 --> 00:09:32,181
if I don't get out of here.
203
00:09:32,205 --> 00:09:36,507
Boy, do I hate to
start a day like this!
204
00:09:40,614 --> 00:09:41,958
Get out of the way! Move!
205
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:44,226
I'm moving! I'm moving!
206
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:48,531
But I'm moving very slowly,
207
00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:51,000
because I don't want you
to misinterpret my moves.
208
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:52,001
I wanna get out of here!
209
00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:53,670
I don't blame you!
210
00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:54,904
I don't wanna hurt anybody!
211
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,172
Of course you don't
wanna hurt anybody.
212
00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:57,273
But I wanna get out of here!
213
00:09:57,297 --> 00:10:00,109
Sure, you'll get out of here,
214
00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:02,445
but not with a gun.
215
00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:06,282
Can I get out of
here without the gun?
216
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,985
We'll try to arrange something.
217
00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:10,053
Let me ask...
218
00:10:10,077 --> 00:10:11,387
Don't come no
closer! Of course not!
219
00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:13,371
I'm backing up.
You think I'm crazy?
220
00:10:15,381 --> 00:10:16,492
Can I ask you a question?
221
00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:18,249
Go ahead.
222
00:10:19,185 --> 00:10:20,997
What's your name?
223
00:10:21,021 --> 00:10:22,621
That's the question?
224
00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:25,735
Yeah. I'm Barney Miller.
225
00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:27,003
Don't con me, man!
226
00:10:27,027 --> 00:10:28,004
No con!
227
00:10:28,028 --> 00:10:29,338
No con!
228
00:10:29,362 --> 00:10:31,340
It's just that if you call
somebody by a name,
229
00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:32,909
he becomes a person.
230
00:10:32,933 --> 00:10:34,577
It's easy to shoot a stranger,
231
00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:36,913
it's hard to shoot a person.
232
00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:38,514
What's your name?
233
00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:39,649
Santos.
234
00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:41,884
Santos.
235
00:10:41,908 --> 00:10:44,721
There, see? We're getting
to know each other already.
236
00:10:44,745 --> 00:10:46,555
Maybe we can even be friends.
237
00:10:46,579 --> 00:10:48,858
What's your first name?
238
00:10:48,882 --> 00:10:50,162
Ramon.
239
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:53,184
You call me Barney.
I'll call you Ramon.
240
00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:56,694
I wanna get out of here, Barney!
241
00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,837
Sure, Ramon.
242
00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:03,039
But you gotta go by the rules.
243
00:11:03,063 --> 00:11:05,241
First we gotta
book you... In jail?
244
00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:08,377
That's all we got here!
245
00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:10,346
But you'll have a
fair and impartial trial.
246
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:12,581
Oh, man! What's the matter?
247
00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:14,651
I'm a Puerto Rican junkie
248
00:11:14,675 --> 00:11:17,020
in a police station
with a gun in my hand.
249
00:11:17,044 --> 00:11:19,811
What am I gonna
do with a fair trial!
250
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:23,262
Don't answer the phone!
251
00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:29,265
Ramon, this is a police station.
252
00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:32,368
You gotta let Sergeant
Amenguale answer the telephone.
253
00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:34,904
Believe me, he won't
do anything stupid.
254
00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:37,395
Don't do anything stupid,
Sergeant Amenguale!
255
00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:42,233
Okay.
256
00:11:46,606 --> 00:11:49,307
12th Precinct, Detectives,
Sergeant Amenguale speaking.
257
00:11:52,478 --> 00:11:53,644
Barney, it's your wife.
258
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,490
Ask her to call back, will you?
259
00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:03,121
Could you call back
later, Elizabeth?
260
00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:07,726
She can't call back, Barney.
261
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,662
Ramon, are you married?
262
00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:15,211
Someday you'll be
married, you'll understand.
263
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,080
Do you mind if I
speak to my wife?
264
00:12:17,104 --> 00:12:18,081
No tricks!
265
00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:20,138
No tricks.
266
00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:28,624
Be brief, will you,
Liz? I'm kind of busy.
267
00:12:28,648 --> 00:12:32,394
Liz... Liz, Liz...
268
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:36,265
Liz, I can't talk chickens now.
269
00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:39,235
I got people waiting.
270
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,971
Yeah, all right.
271
00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:43,572
I'll remember
you to all the boys.
272
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:47,110
Okay. Bye-bye, dear. Bye-bye.
273
00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:49,245
Forgive me, Ramon!
274
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,347
Hey, I got a great idea!
275
00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:55,051
Wonderful, I'll take
thinking to shooting any day.
276
00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:57,120
Everybody, pay attention,
Ramon has an idea.
277
00:12:57,144 --> 00:12:58,721
Okay man, look.
278
00:12:58,745 --> 00:13:00,223
I'll give you back the gun.
279
00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:02,024
And then you let
me walk out of here
280
00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:04,761
and we can forget the
whole thing happened, huh?
281
00:13:04,785 --> 00:13:05,825
What do you say, huh?
282
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:11,990
You know, that's
not such a bad idea.
283
00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:15,404
I'd like to, Ramon, but I can't.
284
00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:17,506
Why not? It's okay with us.
285
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:19,197
Absolutely.
286
00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:23,579
No.
287
00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:25,970
Why not? It's okay with them.
288
00:13:27,573 --> 00:13:29,952
Ramon, if I told you that
if you gave me the gun,
289
00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:32,155
I would let you walk out of
here like nothing happened,
290
00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:33,156
would you believe me?
291
00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:35,424
Maybe. No, you wouldn't.
292
00:13:35,448 --> 00:13:37,593
Because you're not stupid
293
00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:38,861
and neither are we.
294
00:13:38,885 --> 00:13:41,463
If you give me that gun
and try to walk out of here,
295
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:43,065
Sergeant Amenguale
and the rest of the boys
296
00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:45,209
are gonna beat the
hell out of you. Tell him.
297
00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:49,872
Tell him what?
298
00:13:49,896 --> 00:13:52,875
Tell him if he gives me the
gun and tries to walk out of here
299
00:13:52,899 --> 00:13:55,611
you and the rest of the boys
are gonna beat the hell out of him.
300
00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:57,814
Barney! Tell him!
301
00:13:57,838 --> 00:14:02,573
I want Ramon to know that
up here nobody lies to him!
302
00:14:05,411 --> 00:14:08,424
Kid, if you put down the gun
and try to walk out of here,
303
00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:10,729
me and the boys are goinna
beat the hell out of you!
304
00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:12,917
See?
305
00:14:14,821 --> 00:14:16,565
Now that you can believe.
306
00:14:16,589 --> 00:14:19,601
Now, Ramon, that gun is not
going to get you out of here,
307
00:14:19,625 --> 00:14:22,371
but I got something
in my pocket that will.
308
00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:23,706
What you got?
309
00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:25,774
A card!
310
00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:27,043
What kind of card?
311
00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:29,045
A card with the
name of a lawyer on it.
312
00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:30,313
I ain't got no
dough for a layer.
313
00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:32,081
Stanley Mankiewitz
doesn't charge!
314
00:14:32,105 --> 00:14:34,150
Don't put me on, man,
everybody charges!
315
00:14:34,174 --> 00:14:35,651
That's the beauty
part of this card!
316
00:14:35,675 --> 00:14:38,020
The city pays him.
He's a public defender.
317
00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:41,924
He's very young,
but he's very bright.
318
00:14:41,948 --> 00:14:45,194
He keeps company
with my daughter.
319
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:48,052
This guy Mankiewitz,
he's not a Puerto Rican.
320
00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:52,401
He's Jewish.
321
00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:54,658
It's practically the same thing.
322
00:14:57,463 --> 00:14:59,976
Ramon...
323
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,246
you see my gun is over here
and my hands are up here.
324
00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:08,918
Now the card is in this pocket.
325
00:15:08,942 --> 00:15:10,141
Here.
326
00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:13,622
I don't know, man. Here.
327
00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:16,514
Put it right there.
328
00:15:23,957 --> 00:15:26,969
Don't anybody move!
Don't anybody shoot!
329
00:15:26,993 --> 00:15:28,971
You trying to
psyche me out, man?
330
00:15:28,995 --> 00:15:30,172
Get away from the door!
331
00:15:30,196 --> 00:15:32,108
I can't do that, Ramon.
Get out of my way!
332
00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:33,509
Ramon, any minute 80 more cops
333
00:15:33,533 --> 00:15:35,644
are gonna be coming through
that door and it's all gonna be over!
334
00:15:35,668 --> 00:15:36,645
Now pick up the card!
335
00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:37,746
You want me to kill you, man?
336
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:42,484
I want you to call
Stanley Mankiewitz!
337
00:15:42,508 --> 00:15:44,575
Is that too much
to ask of a friend?
338
00:16:03,830 --> 00:16:07,643
Okay, okay, you won't regret it.
339
00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:09,500
Whose gun is this?
340
00:16:14,374 --> 00:16:15,584
Mine.
341
00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:17,653
You and I will
discuss at another time
342
00:16:17,677 --> 00:16:19,188
how Ramon happened
to get your gun.
343
00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:21,290
Meanwhile, take him
downstairs and book him.
344
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:22,959
Let him make his phone call
345
00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:24,793
and get him something
for his screaming meemies.
346
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:27,196
To tell you the truth, I could
use a little something myself.
347
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:28,697
Hey, Barney,
348
00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:30,366
why didn't you just
drop to the floor.
349
00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:32,390
I could have had
a clear shot at him?
350
00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:34,803
I wouldn't want
a thing like that
351
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:36,005
on your conscience,
Wojciehowicz.
352
00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:38,074
Besides, I've seen
you on the pistol range.
353
00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:39,230
What's that mean?
354
00:16:40,766 --> 00:16:43,412
With the kid I stood a 50/50
chance he wouldn't shoot me.
355
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:46,471
With you, I wasn't so sure.
356
00:16:51,711 --> 00:16:52,821
Hello!
357
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,156
Who's there?
358
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:55,224
It's me. I'm home!
359
00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:58,416
I'll believe it when I see it.
360
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,559
Bang!
361
00:17:10,263 --> 00:17:12,174
Will you stop doing that!
362
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:14,343
Hi, Daddy! Don't "hi, Daddy" me.
363
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:18,114
It's not polite to sneak up
behind people and "bang."
364
00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:19,715
David...
365
00:17:19,739 --> 00:17:22,985
David, there's $2.5 million
worth of toys in this house.
366
00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:24,653
How come you
always play with a gun?
367
00:17:24,677 --> 00:17:26,588
You play with a gun.
368
00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:28,090
It's part of my job.
369
00:17:28,114 --> 00:17:31,793
Mr. Schwartz has a job and
he doesn't play with a gun.
370
00:17:31,817 --> 00:17:36,032
Mr. Schwartz is a janitor.
He plays with a shovel.
371
00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:38,534
Your father's a police
officer. He plays with a gun.
372
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:41,926
Here, look... Play with this!
373
00:17:43,096 --> 00:17:44,096
Bang!
374
00:17:45,765 --> 00:17:48,477
David, your pizza's ready.
375
00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:49,711
Hi. Hi.
376
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:51,713
How was your day?
We didn't get robbed.
377
00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:52,981
Ah! You see?
378
00:17:53,005 --> 00:17:55,484
See? That's because I
washed the rest of the window
379
00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:58,787
and they couldn't
find their way back.
380
00:17:58,811 --> 00:18:01,057
How was your day?
381
00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:02,691
Fine. Really?
382
00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:06,628
Yeah, perfectly normal day.
383
00:18:06,652 --> 00:18:07,996
I don't believe you,
384
00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:11,600
but I never look a gift
husband in the mouth.
385
00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:14,803
Hi, Pop! Oh, Mom, could I have
something to eat right away?
386
00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:16,872
I thought you were going
out to dinner with Stanley.
387
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:18,574
Oh, public defenders
don't have any money.
388
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,443
All we ever eat for
dinner is dessert.
389
00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:23,179
Oh, I'll get it!
390
00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:25,214
I'll fix something
for Stanley too
391
00:18:25,238 --> 00:18:27,871
that way you can
both start out even.
392
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:31,087
And how was school today?
393
00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:33,144
I didn't get robbed.
394
00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:35,424
Hi, Rachel. Hi.
395
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:36,425
Oh, hello, Stanley.
396
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:37,893
Can I fix you a drink?
397
00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:39,962
No, thank you, Captain Miller.
Good evening, Mrs. Miller.
398
00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:41,464
Hi, Stanley.
399
00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:43,899
Actually, I am here
tonight for two reasons.
400
00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:48,003
First, to take a certain young,
beautiful girl out to dinner.
401
00:18:48,027 --> 00:18:50,906
And second, to present a
bottle of wine to the hero,
402
00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:53,542
as a tribute and a thank you.
403
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:56,767
Hero? What hero?
404
00:18:57,903 --> 00:18:59,148
You shouldn't have
done it, Stanley.
405
00:18:59,172 --> 00:19:00,649
What hero, Stanley?
406
00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:02,384
Didn't he tell you? No.
407
00:19:02,408 --> 00:19:04,987
This morning some crazy
kid strung out on drugs
408
00:19:05,011 --> 00:19:06,455
comes into the police station
409
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,690
and takes a gun away
from on of the police officers
410
00:19:08,714 --> 00:19:10,326
and threatens to kill
everyone in the place
411
00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:12,161
unless they let him go free,
412
00:19:12,185 --> 00:19:14,630
and Captain Barney Miller
not only talks him out of it,
413
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:16,887
but refers him
to me as a client!
414
00:19:19,225 --> 00:19:21,370
Well...
415
00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:24,140
Isn't that swell, Stanley.
416
00:19:24,164 --> 00:19:26,275
How could a thing
like that happen?
417
00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:30,779
It happens all the time
on a perfectly normal day.
418
00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:33,081
What is everybody making
such a big deal about?
419
00:19:33,105 --> 00:19:34,916
Big deal? Dad, you
could have been killed!
420
00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:37,819
Stanley's over
dramatizing everything.
421
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:39,988
He comes with this wild
story about some crazy kid
422
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:42,090
comes into the police station,
steals a policeman's gun,
423
00:19:42,114 --> 00:19:44,527
threatens to shoot everybody in
the place unless we let him out!
424
00:19:44,551 --> 00:19:45,528
Well, isn't that what happened?
425
00:19:45,552 --> 00:19:46,728
Of course not. Then
what happened?
426
00:19:46,752 --> 00:19:49,498
Some crazy kid came
into the police station,
427
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:50,732
stole a policeman's gun,
428
00:19:50,756 --> 00:19:53,735
threatened to shoot
everybody in the place
429
00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:56,126
unless we let him go.
430
00:19:57,830 --> 00:20:02,478
What the hell! A miss is as
good as a mile, I always say.
431
00:20:02,502 --> 00:20:03,812
I'm sorry, Captain Miller.
432
00:20:03,836 --> 00:20:05,814
I didn't mean to
upset everybody.
433
00:20:05,838 --> 00:20:08,539
It's all right, Stanley.
We've been there before.
434
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:11,220
Is there anything I can do?
435
00:20:11,244 --> 00:20:15,413
Yes. You came to take my
daughter to dessert. Take her.
436
00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:25,690
Bye. See you later.
437
00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:30,105
A perfectly normal day.
438
00:20:30,129 --> 00:20:31,940
I didn't want to upset you.
439
00:20:31,964 --> 00:20:34,443
You could have
broken it to me gently
440
00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:38,836
like, "Guess who
almost got killed today?"
441
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:44,753
A situation like this
happens once in a lifetime.
442
00:20:44,777 --> 00:20:47,256
You realize what that means?
443
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:50,359
I'm safe for the
rest of my lifetime.
444
00:20:50,383 --> 00:20:52,361
Sometimes your sense of humor...
445
00:20:52,385 --> 00:20:54,252
Yeah, I know, it annoys you.
446
00:21:02,795 --> 00:21:05,608
I knew you weren't
going to Montana today.
447
00:21:05,632 --> 00:21:08,043
I had a feeling you sensed that.
448
00:21:08,067 --> 00:21:12,248
I knew you weren't going
to buy a chicken farm today.
449
00:21:12,272 --> 00:21:13,616
Very observant.
450
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,084
I always know you were
hiding something from me.
451
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:22,157
Liz... Liz, I know a guy
452
00:21:22,181 --> 00:21:25,249
who wants to sell a Studebaker.
453
00:21:29,088 --> 00:21:33,658
I knew you were
going to say that.
454
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:39,029
Bang!
30993
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