All language subtitles for Horrible Histories s07e04 Atrocious Artists.eng

♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous
Georgians, slimy Stuarts,

♪ Vile Victorians, Woeful wars,

♪ Ferocious fights, Dingy castles,
daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage, fierce and
toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents
Atrocious Artists.

Art has constantly changed
throughout history.

In the Middle Ages, it wasn't always
the most realistic,

but then 600 years ago in Italy,

everything changed in an explosion
of creativity

called the Renaissance.

And it produced some pretty
bodacious artists.

Give me the bag.

Give me the bag, lady, give me
the bag. Help!

VOICE IN THE DISTANCE: You leave
that old lady alone, punk.

Who said that?

Leonardo.

Michelangelo.

Donatello.

Raph...

Raphael.

ALL: And we are the Teenage Mutant
Ninja Renaissance Artists.

Yes, we are.

Quick, ninja him.

No, we don't actually have any
ninja skills.

But we do have some pretty
cowabunga artistic skills.

Raphael, paint a fresco
so beautiful

it will stop the thief in
his tracks.

I'm on it, dude.

Take this!

Good luck resisting Raphael's
captivating use

of all the available colours of his
time, including powdered gold.

That's not helping.

Give him a ninja chop.

Nice work. Michelangelo,

quick, paint on the ceiling like you
did in the Sistine Chapel.

An artwork of that scale is sure to
render him breathless.

Radical idea, dude. I'm a-feeling
paint-a-licious.

Oh, no, it's a really high ceiling
and I didn't bring my ladder

or my scaffolding.

This thief is one step ahead of us.

Come on, give him a ninja kick.

Oh, I could confuse him with an
awesome portrait.

Is the Mona Lisa smiling or sad?

Smiling or sad?

Don't you guys have any
ninja weapons?

Good idea, old lady. Quick,
Donatello, sculpt a ninja star.

Should be done in about three days,
two, if I bodge it.

You guys are useless.

He's getting away!

That bag had all my groceries in it.

I just bought a pizza.

Pizza? Mamma Mia.

ALL SHOUTING IN ITALIAN

Ratabunga!

Hang on! Where are all the paintings
of rats?

Well, that's it.

I'm going to paint a portrait of
the greatest,

most handsomest rat in history.

Me.

Now, it needs to be
a masterpiece,

so I'd better get some tips from
history's greatest artists

and where better to start than
the beginning?

I wonder what it would have been
like to see a painting

for the very first time.

Oi! Oh!

I'm so glad I saw
your profile.

I knew we had to meet.

Wonderful, yeah. Oh, now look.

This, this is fascinating.

Um, you probably haven't seen this
but I have.

It's a new type of expression
called art.

Ah. Art.

Ah.

Art. Ah.

Close enough.

Before now, everything made by us
has a practical use,

so spears were used for hunting.

Oh! Oh, God, so realistic.

Or for, you know, gathering food.

Food, yum, I love food.

Such a foodie.

Um, that's paint made from charcoal
and beetle's blood.

I mean, this is art for art's sake.

For the first time, the nascent
human is crying out,

"look at me, I exist, I'm here."
Where?

Look, Laura, I'm really sorry but I
think this date was a bad idea.

I mean, we're clearly not on
the same, um...

..level.

Anyway, it's, it's been nice.

Oh, another exuberant work.

I'm going to check out the rest
of his stuff.

Oh, no, actually that one's a
warning sign.

Beware of the sabre toothed tig...

GROWLING AND SCREAMING

Hello, I'm Swill Gumbitz and welcome
to a special

HH News cultural report.

Greek statues - beautiful, elegant,
but where do they come from?

I've narrowed it down to Greece,

which is why I've come to ancient
Greece itself

to see the statues of the great
sculptor, Phidias,

as they were originally intended
to be seen.

Their pale white form...

Oi, stop that, you vandal!

What? Where?

Phidias's art can be enjoyed across
the world,

but it seems even his work in
ancient Greece itself

is not safe from vandals.
You, sir, are a hooligan.

No, I'm not, I'm an Athenian.
No, I mean...

What, what, what on earth is
going on?

This idiot is painting
bright colours

all over these beautiful statues.

It'll take weeks to wash it off.
Stop it. What are you doing?

Greek statues are supposed to
be painted.

I don't think they are. They are.
I don't think they are. They are.

Don't think they are.

They are! I'm an ancient Greek.
Trust me, I know.

But the museums of the future are
full of lovely plain white ones.

Well, then the paint must have faded
or some idiot's washed it off.

A Hoolahan, like you.

Hooligan. See, he admits it.

Ah. So, if these are meant to be
painted, then you're, um...

..Phidias. Can I just say what an
honour it is to have met you?

No.

So, there you have it. Painting was
in fact all the rage in ancient

Greece, so what better way for me to
sign off than having a go myself.

I'm Swill Gumbitz, goodbye.

Can you tell which one's mine?

It's just after dinner in medieval
Europe and all over the continent

people are settling down to enjoy a
bit of art together.

Is that little one baby Jesus?

Is it baby Jesus?!

Who else are Mary and Joseph going
to be carting around?

It doesn't look like a baby
though, does it?

Look at the size of its head.
It looks like a tiny bloke.

This week, an Italian artist is
about to change the way people view

paintings forever.

Oh, man.

This is Giottobox.

It's coming right out the painting.

It's coming at us.

It's so real.

It's more real than your hair.

Oh, shut up.

It's true.

The artist Giotto used the new
technique of perspective to make

his pictures look 3-D and lifelike.

Look at that.
Oh, careful, Steve. Wow.

It's amazing, innit?

-What's going on there? It's like3 -D, innit?

It's like I'm actually inside
the picture.

Which one are you, the donkey?

Giotto was also one of the first
artists to make the people in his

paintings look more realistic.

Eh, what's the matter, Mum?

I feel for him.

It's emotional, like.

Are you crying too, Dad?

No, I've just got something in
my eye, all reet? All reet.

I'll turn it over, see what's on the
other side.

That's better.

Giotto really did change art forever
with his realistic paintings

but as pictures became more real,

artists found they had to be very
careful with what they painted.

You know, the rude bits.

Mind you, what was considered rude
wasn't necessarily

what you might expect.

Madame Le Brun.

Oh, monsieur, you have come to see
my painting. Et voila!

My dear, you seem to have
made a mistake.

Where? What is that there in between
your nose and your chin?

It is my mouth.

I'm not stupid.

I mean inside your mouth, those
white rectangular things.

Those are my teeth.

SCREAMS IN SHOCK

A person of good breeding does not
show her teeth to the world.

The world is not ready for teeth.

Well, why, why not?

Because it is not done.

Teeth are supposed to be covered,

like a table with a cloth or a
bottom with knickers.

Stop with the glove thing!

It is me with my little daughter
and so I smiled.

No, no, no, no! Smiling in a
portrait is not respectable.

Here, look.

Look at this disreputable character.

Would you have him singing to you?

He would sing and then try
and eat you.

Ay! Look at this.

This man is smiling so big
his head is falling off. Ay!

This lady is showing her teeth and
talking to an owl.

Do you talk to owls, Madame?

No, I... Do you want your head to
fall off or turn all the way around?

I don't. Do you want to be eaten by
a man with a lute?

No! Then don't show your teeth.

You look crazy.

I think that you may be wrong.

I think that in future many more
people will smile

in their portraits.

I do not agree.

Why ever not, monsieur?

Ay!

SHE GAGS

Oh, hello, I am Frida Kahlo, the
famous Mexican artist.

I'm just doing a self-portrait.

Many of the world's great painters
paint themselves once or twice,

but tell me, how many times did
I paint myself?

Is it:

The answer is C, 55 times.

Oh, there, that one is finished.

Now, what shall I paint next?

Oh, who am I kidding?

Me again. OK.

Hi, I'm Turner prize-winning Chris
Ofili and I like to experiment

using a load of different materials
for my paintings.

My most famous paintings use
real elephant poo.

So, my top tip for you is when your
art materials are being delivered...

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

..careful where you stand.

Oh, that's quite nice.

Oh, Nelly!

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

It's true. Chris Ofili really does
paint with poo.

It's plop art!

But I'm after something
more traditional.

Maybe I should look at other
famous painters.

There was one artist in Georgian
times who painted

so many celebrities that he became
a celebrity himself.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I love it, baby. It's fantastic.

OK, give me sassy.

That's it, a girl's just walked in
and she's got a bigger hat than you.

What is she thinking?

Yeah. Yeah. That's it.

OMG, Joshua Reynolds is like the
hottest painter in London right now.

I'm not even looking.
Not even looking.

We have queued for hours.

All the Duchesses and generals are
having their pictures done by him.

Yah. Hide and seek.

Everyone hide, hide, hide.

Five, six, seven, eight...

Right, you've got to hide.

He's painting everyone.

Even Admiral Nelson's girlfriend,
Emma Hamilton.

Admiral Nelson's in the Navy
or something.

No, no, it's too masculine.

Way too masculine. I want something
innocent, coquettish.

Yeah, different angle.
Try the left hand. Yeah, that's it.

That's it, yeah.

Exactly. Canvas adores you,
by the way.

Oh, canvas doesn't like you
any more.

♪portraitgirls. #totallyagree.

♪pouttocamera.

That's really helpful.

Just having a little trouble with
that profile.

I'm so cheeky.

I love you, hate you,
love you, hate you!

It's brilliant, it's brilliant,
fantastic. Let's take five.

Hola, I am famous artist
Pablo Picasso

and I don't take cash with me
anywhere. I beg your pardon, Sir?

That is because I pay for everything
with Masterpiece.

With Masterpiece, I don't have to
pay for anything.

That is because drawings by me are
simply priceless.

Your tip.

Hi, I'm Salvador Dali and I
don't even need to draw a picture.

My signature is so valuable no-one
ever cashes in my checks. Kerching.

Because there are some things in
life that being a famous artist

can't buy, but for everything else,
there's Masterpiece.

We prefer cash, if it's all
the same.

Warning, Masterpiece does not
work for mime artists.

Mime is not money.
Terms and conditions apply.

Paintings by famous artists like
those two can be worth millions,

so there is no surprise that plenty
have been stolen throughout history

and in the case of one particular
painting,

a lot more than once or twice.

SMASH!
CAT YELPS

Oh, I've no idea how that got there.

Hi, I'm Sandy Hole,

I am chief of security
for the gallery

and in particular for our
star exhibit,

Rembrandt's Jacob de Gheyn III.

What?! Someone's taken the painting.
ALARM BLARES

Cut! Take two, The Security Guards.

I'm Sandy Hole and I am chief of
security for the gallery and in

particular for our star exhibit,

Rembrandt's Jacob de Gheyn,

which was recently found in a lost
luggage department in Germany

after it was stolen...

ALARM BLARES
Cut.

It's gone again.
Take three, The Security Guards.

Sandy Hole, chief of security for
the gallery.

I am responsible for the security of
Rembrandt's Jacob de Gheyn,

which was recently returned to us
anonymously after it was stolen

for the second time.

ALARM BLARES
Cut.

We found it on the back of
someone's bike.

Take four, The Security Guards.

Hello, I'm Sandy Hole,

I am chief of security for
the gallery

and Rembrandt's Jacob de Gheyn,
which I think,

if it's stolen one more time,
will make it the most stolen

old master in history. But that' not
going to...

ALARM BLARES
Cut.

Found under a graveyard bench
in Streatham.

I'm not kidding. Take five.

Hi, I'm Sandy Hole and if you'd like
to steal Rembrandt's Jacob de Gheyn,

just take it. Do what you like.

It's fine. The one on the
wall's a fake.

Should have done this years ago.

The real one's in here.

Cut!

SIRENS WAILING
I don't know why I bother.

Hello, I am famous artist
Vincent van Gogh

and here I am painting sunflowers.

Again.

Sunflowers. What can I say,
I like sunflowers.

Also, I have a lot of yellow
paint to use up.

But, hey, don't knock it.

One day in the future, my paintings
will be worth millions.

One day. One day.

But, tell me this, how many
paintings did I sell in my lifetime?

Was it:

The answer is B, I sold a couple
of paintings.

I don't know where this
rumour started

that I only sold one painting.

I sold a few, swapped a few, lent a
few, was commissioned for a few.

OK, so it wasn't a lot,
but it was a few.

Not my fault if people don't
recognise my genius.

Or maybe they just don't
like sunflowers.

Van Gogh's sunflower pictures are
now worth tens of millions

but this new style of painting,
called Impressionism, well,

it wasn't always appreciated
during his lifetime.

Not like me. When people see my
self portrait,

they'll be throwing money at it.

And probably rotten fruit, too.

And maybe furniture.

I'll be honest, it still
needs some work.

The problem is there are so many new
and unusual styles of art

that it's hard to know which
one to choose.

Hey, imagine if you could get all
the famous artists in one place,

so you could compare them. Hey, they
could take an art class together.

OK, everyone, for this week's
art class,

I asked you to think about light and
shade, and remember,

paint what you see.

OK, Pablo Picasso, what's going on
here, matey?

Nada. I am painting what I see.

In that case, probably time to visit
the opticians.

Idiota!

HE SHOUTS IN SPANISH

Ah, Rembrandt.

That's more like it.

But what did I ask you to paint?

Er, the model.

And what have you
actually painted?

You've painted yourself, just like
you did last week

and the week before and the week
before that.

I find myself fascinating.
Well, I'm glad someone does.

Put it this way, you're no
oil painting.

Try again. Give me that mirror.

I thought you people wanted
to be artists.

I mean, look at this one,
it's a nightmare.

Mr Munch, what on earth made
you think that...

All right, it's not that bad.

Aha, now, this is real talent.

Rene Magritte, formidable.

Oh, well, it's not quite
finished yet.

What's that for?
We did fruit last week.

I am interested in what we
cannot see.

Here's what I cannot see -
you being a decent painter.

I mean, how big do you think
apples are, mate?

It's a cooking apple.
Dear, oh, dear.

Barbara Hepworth, Babs, you've not
even put a canvas on here.

What are you up to?

It's a sculpture. Go on, pat it.

I'm not going to pat it. Pat it.

I'm not going to pat it.

Right, sorry to say this, but
basically you're all rubbish

and I wouldn't trust you to
paint my skirting boards.

Go on, clear off, class dismissed.

Not again. I've told you before,
Banksy, not on the walls!

Banksy is a famous graffiti artist
but he does it in secret so no-one

knows who he is.

Mind you, Banksy's not nearly as
messy as this next famous painter,

whose unusual splatter style
caused a bit of a stir.

Oh, Mr Pollock, Jackson Pollock.

Yeah, who wants to know?

Hi, I'm Sherman Nathaniel III. Oh,
you have paint on your hands, sure.

I'm your biggest fan and I just love
the whole expressionistic

abstractism thing.
Abstract Expressionism.

That's what I said.

And anyway, as you know, you're all
the rage in town

and I'd just love to buy one of
your paintings.

Like this.

It is just... Well, it's wonderful.

You know, it's breathtaking, it's...

It's not for sale.

I already sold it. Good, good, I am
glad about that because...

I actually prefer this one.

Oh, it's just genius.

I just spilt paint on the floor.

Obviously I was joking, because I
can spot one of your paintings

a mile off. And, oh, you spilt it
on the canvas as well, buddy.

I mean, good luck getting that off.

That's one of my paintings.
That's my favourite one.

Yeah. Where's the next one?

Well, where do you think?

Whoa, hello!

This is the best one yet. My
neighbour's daughter painted that.

She should be ashamed. She's three.

She's a little terror and she's
taken all these paints

and spilt them up there as well.

You must be livid. No, no, cos
that's one of my paintings.

I will buy it for $1 million.
It's not for sale to you.

In fact, nothing is for sale to you.

You can get out. Whoa.

Ah, I'm sorry. Are you kidding?

My shoes are original
Jackson Pollocks now.

Thank you, Mr Pollock. I am going to
be the toast of the town.

THUNDER RUMBLES

It's raining outside.

Is there any chance I could borrow
an umbrella?

Get out. Sure.

Jackson Pollock's paintings were one
of the new styles

that emerged during the
20th century,

along with movements like pop art

and surrealism, which involved
taking everyday objects

and making them look weird.

Yeah, really weird.

And sometimes the painters were
as weird as their paintings.

Like the painter of this one,
Salvador Dali.

It's a new term and headteacher
Hannah Lawrence is doing her best to

improve school standards, which are
currently so low they will have to

improve just to get rock-bottom.

Welcome to Historical Educating.

-It's Monday morning and class 7
-F need a new teacher.

We needed a supply teacher
last minute

and Mr Dali's CV came through.

Well, I say CV,

it's actually a box of cauliflowers.

But apparently that's called
surrealism.

Greengrocery, that's
what I call it.

There really wasn't anyone else.

Good morning, everyone.
My name is Dali.

ALL: Morning, Mr Dali.

Now, I like my surroundings to
be perfect.

You two, drag in the bath.

Today's lesson is titled The Genius
Of Salvador Dali.

PHONE RINGS

Sorry, sir, that's my phone.
That is not a phone.

This is a phone.

What's the matter?
You pulled a mussel.

Good for you.

I could teach you about art,

but it would be pointless as none
of you is a genius like me.

You don't seem like a genius, sir,
you seem like a weirdo.

And you, little girl, seem like
an ignoramus.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going
to take my anteater for a walk.

Weirdo, indeed!

Mr Dali has been called in to see
the headteacher.

Mr Dali, I'm a little concerned
about what you've...

Sorry, what are you wearing?

Help me.

I was just trying to convey
how I exist

at the bottom of a sea of dreams.

Mr Dali, I'm afraid your teaching
methods are much too peculiar

for the children here. I'm sorry,
but it's time for you to leave.

Tell me, have you seen my anteater?

Get out.

Coming, Snowball, walkies.

I'm world-famous pop
artist Andy Warhol.

Now, I've mixed with some of the
greatest artists of the 20th century

and if there's one thing I've
learned over the years, it's...

..always wear green pants.

Seriously. It's what I do.

I only wear green pants.

Fabulous. I mean, normally I buy
them green,

but this pair I just haven't
washed for a while.

Hmm, mouldy pants.

Strangely comforting.

Top tip, Mr Warhol.

OK, it's finally finished, and from
cave art to the Renaissance to

surrealism, I've used them all
in my masterpiece,

in a new style I call
post-rodentism.

Or, as one critic called it,
rubbish.

I'm thinking of titling it the
Moaning Cheese-a.

The Moaning Cheesea!

Suit yourself. OK, can I start the
bidding at 1.5 billion?

No? OK, 1.4 billion.

No? How about a quid?

No, it looks like I've got a long
way to go to match

this last incredible painting
by Leonardo da Vinci.

It hangs in the Louvre
Museum in Paris

and it's probably the most
famous piece of art of all time

and it's got a pretty mysterious
history, too.

Over to you, Mona.

Or is it Lisa?

♪ Hello?

♪ It's-a-me

♪ The most famousest painting
in history

♪ Ten million see me every year

♪ Not hanging in the loo
but in the Louvre here

♪ Hello, it's me, from the other
side of that you see

♪ I'm Lisa Gherardini
who posed for this

♪ My husband wants a portrait
of his missus

♪ I modelled at the start
then the story gets shady

♪ Under her is painted
another Mona Lady

♪ Is this picture me?
Or someone like me?

♪ Is this Lisa, me-sa?

♪ It's a mystery
Though my husband was the owner

♪ Was there another Mona?
No-one knows the real history

♪ Hello, it's me

♪ I'm the one they call
'The Code' da Vinci

♪ Not just an artist
I'm a procrastinator

♪ If you don't know what that means
then I will tell you later

♪ Hello, Raphael

♪ My student's got to copy this
and make a sale

♪ This painting is
incredibly profound

♪ Please stop, those eyes
are following me around

♪ Her enigmatic smile
a visual delight

♪ You think so?
No, still not quite right

♪ The picture's not good enough
for someone like me

♪ For 15 years those hands
have been bothering me

♪ My legacy will last
I may be great, but I'm not fast

♪ And you wonder why I lived
in poverty?

♪ Patience! One day this
great work of art

♪ Will hang in the bedroom
of Bonaparte

♪ Most expensive pic of all
you'd better believe it

♪ People gonna vandalise
forge and steal it

♪ If I wanted it back
what must I bid?

♪ I'm said to be worth
one-and-a-half billion quid! ♪

What?!

♪ Then I was stolen
cos someone liked me

♪ That was when I gained notoriety

♪ Peaceful life ain't
being attacked by red paint

♪ Now bulletproof glass
protects me. ♪

Is that little one baby Jesus?

Is it baby Jesus?!

Who else are
Mary and Joseph

going to be
carting around?

HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

LAUGHTER

♪ The past is no
longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed
Horrible Histories. ♪

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0