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1
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PEACEFUL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
2
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Hi. Good evening.
3
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Fully booked again tonight?
4
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HE COOS
5
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I'm sorry?
6
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HE COOS
7
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You...
8
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ECHOEY COOING
9
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PIGEON COOS
10
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SHE GASPS
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SCREAMING
12
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Morning. Morning. Good morning.
13
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SHE SIGHS Living the dream.
14
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Clear.
15
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Yes!
16
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HE URINATES
17
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On your marks.
18
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Get set.
19
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Go!
20
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For King and country!
21
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Morning. Morning.
22
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If music be the food of love...
23
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Friday I'm In Love by The Cure
24
00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:39,960
He just really speaks to me.
Oh, no, not this berk again.
25
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Get a job!
26
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:44,520
Oh, eh, eh, four down is bum.
27
00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:45,760
Bum. Bum.
28
00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:47,960
Robin, for the last time,
no newspaper's going to...
29
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,560
Three letter, "gluteus maximus"...
30
00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,120
Oh, yeah, you're right. ..is bum.
31
00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:53,520
Yeah. B-u-m.
32
00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:54,800
Good. Very good.
33
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:56,400
Come on! Come on! Yes.
34
00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:02,240
OK. Yes!
Takes me back to the David Lloyd in Chelsea.
35
00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:04,880
Take that, Hugo!
36
00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:07,240
So where did we get to? Er, World Cup '86.
37
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It's quarterfinals.
38
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England-Argentina. All right.
39
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:13,240
Ah, the Hand of God.
40
00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:14,720
You what?
41
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,440
Maradona - scores with a handball,
swings the match.
42
00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:21,000
Well, don't tell me the score.
2-1 to Argentina.
43
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What's wrong with you?!
44
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You absolute... Dikhet.
45
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Robin!
Is six-letter, "permit to travel", dikhet!
46
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Oh, ticket!
47
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:33,520
Dikhet! Ticket! Here. Yeah, OK.
48
00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:35,240
You're getting good at these.
49
00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:36,600
Well, me very clever.
50
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:37,840
Ugh.
51
00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:39,080
Hey!
52
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'Orse.
53
00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:46,840
Huh. Huh-huh-huh-horse.
54
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Oh. LAUGHING 'orse.
55
00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:52,800
Thank you.
56
00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,560
Absolute filth!
57
00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:58,080
SHE GASPS
58
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Oh, thanking you kindly.
59
00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:04,800
Oh...
60
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,640
I do not like where this is going.
61
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DOOR OPENS Morning.
62
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Morning. Hi, Alison.
63
00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:13,720
Hi! Back to the grindstone.
64
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:17,480
Yeah.
Which reminds me, we found this grindstone.
65
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:20,960
14th century. Honestly,
your cellar is literally a gold mine.
66
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,160
When you say litera...?
Archeologically speaking.
67
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:24,240
Ah, yeah.
68
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:27,560
Here we go, then.
69
00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:31,000
Oh, push it!
70
00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:35,720
Well? Two minutes, 30. Same as...
71
00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:38,240
Well, always.
I mean, it's always two minutes, 30.
72
00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:39,520
Blast!
73
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,440
Well, keep at it. Hmm.
74
00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,000
Maybe I need to try some
new stretches or something.
75
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:47,520
Yeah,
or maybe you can't really get any faster,
76
00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:50,360
you know, because you can't build muscle,
what with you being -
77
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:54,200
and I mean this with all the
love in the world, Cap - dead.
78
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We didn't win the war with
attitudes like that, did we?
79
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No. No!
80
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,360
Right, I'm going to go and stretch my hams.
81
00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:03,680
Well, I mean,
they won't stretch because you're...
82
00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,520
He's dead. I'm dead.
Yeah, you're dead, yeah.
83
00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:08,880
You'll be dead soon. What?
84
00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:10,160
Sorry.
85
00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:13,880
Right. Hard to be conclusive
about the cause of death, but, er,
86
00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:15,720
well, it's going to be plague, isn't it?
87
00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:18,080
GHOSTS MURMUR IN AGREEMENT
88
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:20,280
From the pelvis, I'd say female.
89
00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:22,880
GHOSTS CHEER AND GROAN
90
00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,920
30 to 40. GHOSTS CHATTER
91
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,320
Down, down.
92
00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:28,280
Bowed right femur. Probable limp.
93
00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:29,800
The winner!
94
00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:31,760
Evidence of extensive syphilis.
95
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:33,160
No, no, not that bit.
96
00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:35,400
Same as the male from yesterday.
97
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:38,040
Geoff! What? Someone's been a naughty boy!
98
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,560
Hi, er... GHOSTS MURMUR
99
00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,080
Hello, stranger.
100
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,880
I forgot to say, that, um,
we've got a photographer coming today
101
00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:45,480
to take a picture for our brochure.
102
00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:47,120
Oh, for the hotel? Erm...
103
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,600
No, we...we...we ran out of money,
and also...
104
00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:52,040
..this.
105
00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:55,640
So we're thinking of trying to use
some of the big rooms for functions,
106
00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:57,240
weddings, you know.
107
00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,360
Nice. Which will be nice, yeah.
108
00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:02,400
Er, yeah,
and we need to get a shot of the front,
109
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,640
so do you think you could move your van?
110
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:05,960
Well, I could, but...
111
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,400
Yes, great, thank you.
112
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:11,520
Any end in sight?
Er, yeah, nearly there. Few more days.
113
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:15,440
Sorry it's taken so long.
There's just so much history on this site.
114
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,800
GHOSTS CHATTER Honestly,
if these bones could talk.
115
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,960
Yeah, well, that would save us
all a lot of hassle, wouldn't it?
116
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But then...who'd believe you?!
117
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LAUGHTER
118
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Oo-hoo!
119
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:34,480
So the aim is to turn it into a venue.
A venue for what?
120
00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:38,560
Er, well, you know, weddings,
parties, bar mitzvahs...
121
00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:40,880
..girl mitzvahs. Bat mitzvahs.
122
00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:42,600
For bats?
123
00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:43,880
What?
124
00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:45,200
Huh?
125
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:47,680
Erm, we need it to look nice,
126
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:50,240
so if you could avoid the bad bits...
127
00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:51,560
What, all of them?
128
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:54,200
SHE CHUCKLES Well, just find the best angle.
129
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:56,520
Yeah, I mean,
we know that the camera never lies,
130
00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:59,640
but if it could not tell the whole truth,
131
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:01,480
then that would be very handy for us.
132
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:03,320
I'll see what I can do. Great.
133
00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:10,160
There's simply not enough
slates to do the whole roof!
134
00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:14,000
Er...
135
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,920
It's the third Earl of Winborne!
136
00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:17,400
OK.
137
00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:19,040
IMITATES EARL
138
00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:21,240
I'm not sure Impressions
Club's going to work, is it?
139
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:24,840
Well, let's not be too hasty.
No-one's heard my Nelson Mandela.
140
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:27,400
Outrageous! Haven't done it yet.
141
00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:30,000
No, no, no, no!
142
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:35,240
Alison, get the tradesman off the lawn!
143
00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:37,720
Snap-snap! Um, Rory, can we try...?
144
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,160
This way? Yeah, just...
145
00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:40,480
All the way off the lawn!
146
00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:41,800
A little bit... Yeah.
147
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:42,840
Both feet!
148
00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:44,880
Yeah. And more... Hurry up! And just...
149
00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:47,040
That's perfect. Here? Yeah.
150
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:50,520
Whatever happened to standards?!
151
00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:53,480
Absolutely. Mustn't let things slide.
152
00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:55,160
All it takes is a little...
153
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:57,280
BONES CRACK ..effort.
154
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:26,880
PHONE CHIMES
155
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,560
Urgh! Look at this evil old...
156
00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:43,280
Isn't that...? Oh, no.
157
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:49,960
She's everywhere.
158
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,760
Look! And there!
159
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:56,040
Where'd you get that? Over there.
160
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,760
Did you know this happens? I had no idea.
161
00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:02,880
If indeed that is me.
She looks at least 20 years older.
162
00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:05,360
How come SHE can be seen?
163
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:07,320
Perhaps it's only if you're grumpy.
164
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,680
Or ugly.
165
00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:10,880
Well, her photo's all over Facebook now,
166
00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:12,640
so we can say goodbye to doing events.
167
00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:14,200
No-one wants a haunted wedding.
168
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:15,440
No-one will know.
169
00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:17,880
Look, it's only one window and
he doesn't say where it is...
170
00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:19,240
PHONE CHIMES
171
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:22,080
Hmm. OK,
but does anybody actually read the comments?
172
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:26,640
Gah! Just look at them, gullible cretins!
173
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,720
I mean,
what sort of moron believes in ghosts?
174
00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,480
You ARE a ghost.
175
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:33,640
Well, yeah, but, you know,
before I became one,
176
00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:36,280
you wouldn't have caught me
believing in this sort of nonsense.
177
00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:38,680
I'm going to talk to them. And say what?
178
00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:40,800
That there's no such thing as ghosts.
179
00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:44,000
Yeah, you tell 'em. Bloody weirdos!
180
00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:49,560
Hi, hi.
I'm Alison, and I own the house. Um...
181
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:50,920
SURPRISED MURMURING
182
00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:53,200
I do!
183
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,360
Look, I know why you're here,
184
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:58,040
but I can assure you that
there are no ghosts...ghost.
185
00:08:58,040 --> 00:08:59,800
There is no ghost.
186
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:02,600
I know that it looks like
a very spooky old house,
187
00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:05,640
but there's nothing creepy going on here,
actually.
188
00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:07,840
Hi, Alison. Could you open the gate?
189
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,160
Really? Now?
190
00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,040
Well, you made us move the van.
191
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,200
Yeah.
192
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,280
Is that the Grey Lady? CAMERAS CLICK
193
00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:21,000
Obviously, I know how that looks,
194
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:24,160
but that is unrelated to the ghosts...ghost!
195
00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:26,760
Erm, look, the photo is a fake,
196
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,720
and I'd really appreciate it
if you could all just go home,
197
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:32,080
please,
and not go spreading any rumours or...
198
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:36,720
Well, that worked. Hmm.
199
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:38,720
So you're a paranormal expert?
200
00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:41,520
Yes, indeed, I am a paranormal podder,
201
00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:43,840
blogger, vlogger, and psogger.
202
00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:45,040
Psogger?
203
00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:47,200
It's a psychic blogger. The P's silent.
204
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,040
Oh, eh, oh! We on TV!
205
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:50,240
We're on TV!
206
00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:52,680
Oh, we're on TV!
207
00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:54,720
Look, come, come see, look, huh, see, look!
208
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,200
SHE GASPS
209
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,760
..some very fascinating spirits,
erm, and there's lots of
210
00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:00,640
emanations coming from... from this hou...
211
00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:01,840
Sorry, what was that, Tony?
212
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,480
That's my guide, Tony.
213
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:06,240
Yeah, no, he was just saying that
something bad happened here...
214
00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,320
We are all over Twitter.
215
00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:12,560
"Man, this pic has me bricking it.
That ghost be one scary-ass..."
216
00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:14,160
Is she in the room?
217
00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:15,400
Yes.
218
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:16,720
Well, it doesn't say "lady".
219
00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:19,480
It's just a pity the owners
are being so uncooperative
220
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,200
because the opportunity to study
221
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:24,640
this kind of phenomenon is so valuable.
222
00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:26,040
How valuable?
223
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:27,800
Let's find out.
224
00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:34,200
Hi... Hi... Hello!
225
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:37,320
Hi, yeah, I'm Mike, I live here, and...
226
00:10:37,320 --> 00:10:38,880
LAUGHTER
227
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:40,880
I do! If you say so.
228
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:43,160
Er, anyway,
my wife might have been a bit hasty
229
00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:44,800
with some of the stuff she said earlier,
230
00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,280
so, well, let me put something to you.
231
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:51,520
And you just get to be yourselves
without me telling you not to,
232
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:53,360
so go full ghost.
233
00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:55,360
Julian, just shove anything you like.
234
00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:57,000
Robin, just go crazy with the lights.
235
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,000
Mary, lot of weird burning smells.
236
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:00,600
And a few Fanny pictures.
237
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:04,720
Oh, can I play? Oh, yes!
Teamwork makes the team work.
238
00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:06,760
No... No, speak for yourselves.
239
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:09,040
Personally, I don't want a bunch of misfits
240
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:10,640
poking around in every corner,
241
00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:13,200
keeping us up at night with their
probes and their machines...
242
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:14,920
Cap-Cap-Captain... Yeah?
243
00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:19,000
It...
It's actually just these four I really need.
244
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:23,480
No offence, but, haunting-wise,
you don't really have much to offer.
245
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:25,840
No. That's fine, actually, er,
246
00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:27,960
because I'm, er... I'm busy with something.
247
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:29,800
So, thank you. Mm-hm.
248
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:31,200
What?
249
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:32,720
HE EXHALES
250
00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:34,200
Sorry, guys.
251
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:35,400
No.
252
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:38,480
I wish there were something I
could do to assist fair Alison.
253
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,840
Yeah. The irony, eh?
254
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:42,920
I had so many skills in life -
255
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:45,960
knot-tying, tent-pitching, archery...
256
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,240
Oh, no, well...
257
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,560
And Mike has this "No Sugar,
I'm Sweet Enough" mug
258
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:52,080
that I would really love
to meet with an accident,
259
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,320
so if you could just suddenly push it...
Hmm.
260
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:57,040
Um... And what's in it for me?
261
00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:59,000
Well, there's not really much that I can...
262
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,080
A smartphone.
263
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:02,600
What?! There was a review in Robin's paper
264
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:06,760
for an application which allows you
to play golf with a single finger
265
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,560
on a smartphone.
266
00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:10,040
But they're hundreds of pounds.
267
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:12,920
Well, if you don't want my help...
Are you trying to blackmail me?
268
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:16,800
With respect,
I think the real issue here is...is, er...
269
00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,800
Oh, I'm not on Newsnight now, am I?
270
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,120
Yeah, it's blackmail.
271
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,480
Oh, come on, Julian,
everyone else is willing to help.
272
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:24,880
Alison, I'm not willing to help.
273
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:29,040
The smell of burnings, um,
reminds me of being tied to that stake.
274
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,720
And for that reason, I'm out.
275
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:33,600
Hmm!
276
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,240
ALISON SIGHS The offer stands.
277
00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:39,040
And I will not be paraded about
like some Parisian concubine.
278
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:40,880
Yeah, she no porcupine!
279
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:43,640
Ugh! And me no sideshow freak!
280
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:45,800
No, but... Actually, Robin,
281
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:48,640
having been to a sideshow,
you're exactly like...
282
00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:51,120
No, no, nothing.
283
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,040
Guy... Guys!
284
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:55,520
And boom! We have paying guests.
285
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:56,960
Ghost night is on!
286
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,360
Slight problem - no ghosts.
287
00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:03,280
OWL HOOTS
288
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:05,200
Welcome to Button House. Hi.
289
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,920
Just through here.
290
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:09,760
So what do we do?
I promised them stuff moving on its own and
291
00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:11,480
weird smells and lights going off...
292
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,840
They have gone on strike.
I mean, what do you want me to do?
293
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:15,880
I dunno. You're the ghost expert. Hmm.
294
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:17,040
HE GASPS
295
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:19,320
You're a ghost expert -
you know how they operate,
296
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:20,360
so can't we just...
297
00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:22,000
..fake it? Eh?
298
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,200
Fake it. No! No, that's completely immoral.
299
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:28,000
We can't just rip people off.
I mean, what, they've paid, like...?
300
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:29,320
200 quid each.
301
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:31,440
Although, yeah, OK, thinking about it...
302
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:37,200
..it IS a real haunted house,
so it's only, like, a white lie.
303
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,840
We have to con them,
304
00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,240
because it's the right thing to do.
Yes, yes.
305
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:43,480
OK.
306
00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:47,080
Hmm!
307
00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:51,400
Nice to see you, to see you...
308
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:52,800
Nice!
309
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:55,080
JULIAN LAUGHS
310
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:57,080
It's like he's in the room!
311
00:13:57,080 --> 00:14:00,320
Gentlemen, there is an invasion afoot.
312
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,360
Despite expressly forbidding it,
313
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:04,680
she has just opened up the
border and let them all in.
314
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:08,160
The place is awash with
eccentrics and fantasists.
315
00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:09,640
THEY GASP
316
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,760
Uh-uh. No way, Jose.
317
00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:13,480
We told her we weren't playing ball.
318
00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:15,360
Yes, there be nothing to see.
319
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:16,720
Slash smells.
320
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:19,920
No, no - they are planning on faking it all.
321
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:21,400
Pretending that there are ghosts.
322
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:24,120
I mean,
it makes a mockery of our very existence.
323
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:27,000
But these people came here
for a glimpse of Fanny.
324
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,080
Yes, and they can hardly fake that.
325
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,400
Well, that's it. Well, they still need you.
326
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:34,920
Of course! Come on.
We shall have to find you a place to hide.
327
00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:36,400
Chop chop, Fanny.
328
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,240
Let's go. Come along.
329
00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:39,400
Come on, ape.
330
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:40,960
We're putting a stop to this.
331
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:44,400
I didn't die to let someone else
fake the skills I've honed in death
332
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,560
without giving me a smartphone.
333
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:49,040
What?!
334
00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:54,600
And I'll... I'll stays here and watch...
335
00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:57,480
..this wall.
336
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:02,480
Hmm.
337
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:07,440
Oh, yeah, this part of the house
has a lot of paranormal activity.
338
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:12,200
Oh, how exciting! I hope we see some.
Kitty, I think we ARE some.
339
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:14,040
Check, one, two. Check. Check.
340
00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:16,880
Stick together, everyone!
341
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,480
One, two, two, two.
342
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:21,320
Pop into Pagham to purchase a pig.
343
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:24,360
OK. It's 21.07.
344
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,680
Recording in zone four for EVP.
345
00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:30,000
What? Electronic voice phenomena.
346
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:34,040
It picks up vocal frequencies
of discarnate entities.
347
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:38,760
Ghosts, Danni, the voices of ghosts.
348
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:41,920
Right, proceed to zone three. Er...
349
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:44,200
The kitchen, Danni. Check your map.
350
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:47,480
Did you hear that? What?
351
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:50,120
That thing there picks up ghosts' voices.
352
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,120
Maybe we can help after all!
353
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:56,320
Help Alison? Yeah.
Speak into that microphone,
354
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,880
and we can prove that this house is haunted.
355
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:00,560
What would we say?
356
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:01,600
Erm...
357
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:08,720
Hello, and, erm, welcome to Button Hou...
358
00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:12,240
Ooh! Welcome to Button FM!
359
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:13,960
I'm Pat Butcher.
360
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,640
# Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo!
361
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:18,760
♪ The greatest DJ in the area!
362
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:20,600
♪ Pat Butcher! ♪
363
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:24,320
And joining me this week is
renowned poet Thomas Thorne!
364
00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:25,720
How are you, Thomas?
365
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:29,960
Thomas, we're on the air.
366
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:35,080
And we'll be right back with Thomas
367
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:38,000
after this song from local
band Chicken & Chips.
368
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,920
It's called Where's The Cream?
369
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:43,720
Greetings, my apparition apostles.
370
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:48,760
The Ghostmaster General here,
on the hunt in the kitchen of Button House,
371
00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:51,160
where restless spirits are said to...
372
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,000
Turn the light off.
373
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,320
Was that it?
374
00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:59,600
Well, yeah, but it's, like, really spooky,
375
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:01,440
cos it's when you least expect it...
376
00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:04,640
..usually.
377
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:06,240
Robin! It not me!
378
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,000
Oooh, clever!
379
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:12,040
Oh, well,
why don't you sleep with her, then?
380
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:13,800
Sweetheart, we've talked about this.
381
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,280
Two can play at that game.
382
00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:19,200
Hoooo!
383
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,600
HE STRAINS
384
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:25,920
Oh!
385
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:29,160
Eh? Who the daddy? I'm the daddy. I'm Daddy.
386
00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:36,200
No, no, no.
387
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:37,320
HE STRAINS
388
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:39,000
ELECTRICITY CRACKLES
389
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,080
THEY GASP Oh, God!
390
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:52,400
Things are kicking off here, guys.
This is getting pretty spooky.
391
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:55,480
Oh, yes,
that's really thrown them off the scent.
392
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:57,200
Oh...
393
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:58,920
Oh, no.
394
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:04,120
OK, ease down. Ease down.
395
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:07,320
It's over, isn't it? It's over.
396
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:08,480
Do you want some milk?
397
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,600
Do you...do you want a glass of milk?
No, thank you.
398
00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:14,600
Cor! That really freaked them out.
They're all yours.
399
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:18,520
Right, then, to the ballroom.
400
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,520
Well, we know where they're not.
401
00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:24,760
Come along, Fanny, down you go.
402
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:26,960
But it's cold and damp down there.
403
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:28,560
You can't feel the cold.
404
00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:29,600
SHE SCREAMS
405
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:31,600
Huh.
406
00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:33,600
Or can we?
407
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:37,840
Yes, cool the muscles, improve performance.
408
00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:40,320
A little night air might
just give me the edge.
409
00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:42,920
SHE WHIMPERS
410
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:53,240
And, of course, your poetry rhymes,
which is A, harder,
411
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:56,720
and B, shows you have a real
passion for the English language.
412
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:58,480
Is that fair to say?
413
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:01,360
Yes.
414
00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:04,160
HE SIGHS
415
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:07,360
And we'll be back with Thomas
after these advertisements.
416
00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:13,680
Buy cheese.
417
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:16,200
Please.
418
00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:19,120
Louise.
419
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:23,520
Buy Louise's Pleasing Cheese,
420
00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:27,680
made from only the freshest Jersey milk,
421
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:31,560
lovingly thumbed from
our all-Friesian herd...
422
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:38,880
And we have a lot of
poltergeist activity up here.
423
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:40,280
But that's where I live!
424
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:44,040
Oh,
we also have a smell...tergeist...tergeist.
425
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,280
Smell-tergeist.
426
00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:46,600
We're overrun!
427
00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:48,040
If you just step this way...
428
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,840
SHE RETCHES
429
00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:55,120
Do you smell that?
430
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:57,960
Yes, yes, I smell it. Crafty cow.
431
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:01,160
Smells like fire, but there is no fire.
432
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:04,520
Apart from that one.
433
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:07,080
Oh, come on.
Do you think we should leave this?
434
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:08,480
Yeah. That's... OK.
435
00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:10,160
I mean, that wasn't what... OK.
436
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:13,240
We'll come back to that.
437
00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:14,760
Now, anyway, back to the...
438
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:17,480
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT ..poltergeist. Where?!
439
00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:18,680
RUMBLING, ALISON GASPS
440
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,600
Wait. There it is now.
441
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:21,840
SHE SCREAMS
442
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,600
Don't let it eat me!
443
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:25,280
MURMURING
444
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:34,960
Wow! MURMURING
445
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:40,240
I hope you guys are seeing this.
446
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:43,960
This is the real deal.
447
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:54,360
Come on. It's moving again.
448
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:01,880
Evening.
449
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:05,240
Just resting my finger against this mug.
450
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:06,720
JULIAN STRAINS
451
00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:20,960
MUG SMASHES, THEY GASP
452
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:23,280
Whoa-ho-ho! Did you see that?!
453
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:24,320
What the...?!
454
00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:26,360
Wow, er... Oh, yeah.
455
00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:28,440
That's really shaken me up, actually, guys.
Um...
456
00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:29,960
I'm going to have to sit down.
457
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,400
Not ideal.
458
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:35,640
And are these kinetic episodes
related to the full-body apparition?
459
00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:37,640
The Grey Lady, Danni.
460
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:41,880
Well, I mean, she can be a bit elusive,
but, er, fingers crossed.
461
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:43,360
MARY WHIMPERS
462
00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:45,920
This is another room said to
be haunted by the Grey Lady.
463
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:47,600
Oh, no, not again!
464
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:52,120
Hi, I'm back.
Sorry, I just had to take a minute to, er...
465
00:21:52,120 --> 00:21:55,800
Oh, what's that?!
What was that?! What was that?!
466
00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:57,360
Right, I can smell burning.
467
00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:59,520
Er... Oh, that is so weird. MARY RETCHES
468
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:01,440
Right, I'm freaking out, I'm freaking out.
469
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:03,600
I'm going to have to get out of here.
I need some air.
470
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,520
MIKE GROANS What was that?
471
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:11,240
What's that made out of?
472
00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:14,840
Sack? Silk. Silk.
And I have said, "Don't touch."
473
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:16,320
What's holding your hair?
474
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:19,080
Oh, Walter, put her down.
She's old enough to be your mother.
475
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:21,760
It's embarrassing. I beg your pardon!
476
00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:24,120
She looks like my mother. I resent that.
477
00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:26,480
Except the teeth. My mum had nicer teeth.
478
00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:29,920
Can I come out yet? Please!
479
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:33,160
Ahh!
480
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:37,280
There. Start my lap on the hour chime,
and who needs a stopwatch?
481
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:40,640
Yeah, touch of night air on the old calves,
482
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:43,080
I should beat the pants off my two minutes,
30.
483
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:44,360
Isn't that right, boy?
484
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:47,680
Oh, what do you know? Right, here goes.
485
00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:50,840
Ah, bracing!
486
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:53,360
So, this Grey Lady...
487
00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:55,240
Yep, yeah, er, be patient.
488
00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:56,280
Biscuit?
489
00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,920
Ah, I'll just be a sec.
490
00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:03,880
Any sign? No, I can't find her anywhere.
491
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:05,080
OK, so what are we going to do?
492
00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:06,960
Cos I promised these
people a Grey Lady ghost.
493
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,080
Why did you do that? Because we've got one.
494
00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:14,360
I think I've got an idea.
I just need to buy some time.
495
00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:15,560
Uh-huh. OK.
496
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:18,880
No, the poltergeist was me.
There aren't ghosts that haunt ghosts.
497
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:21,560
There no ghost-ghost. I
know what I almost saw.
498
00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:23,360
JULIAN SCOFFS
499
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:25,800
Still want that phone?
500
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:28,520
What?
I need another burst of that poltergeist act,
501
00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:30,000
just while I sort something out.
502
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,440
So what do you say?
Want to play a few holes?
503
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:33,880
HE MOANS IN PLEASURE
504
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,800
Looks so good! There's some sweet greens.
505
00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:39,720
OK, I'm in.
506
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:40,760
Yes! Oi!
507
00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:42,520
Ah-ta-ta! Great!
508
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:44,680
Now, you see that mug?
509
00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:46,040
Yeah.
510
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:48,800
The second he puts it down,
do your worst. All right.
511
00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:54,000
The housemaid's leg was Gwendoline...
512
00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:56,320
..and the lusty dog...
513
00:23:57,880 --> 00:23:58,960
..was I.
514
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:07,200
Yet another poem from Thomas Thorne there.
515
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:09,440
And apologies for those still
waiting for the pop quiz.
516
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:10,840
Right, let's see what we've got.
517
00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:12,440
Join me next week when my guests
518
00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:14,240
will be Sheena Easton and Dudley Moore!
519
00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:17,880
The kitchen, Danni. Check your map.
520
00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:20,120
Here we go. Fame at last!
521
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:23,520
SILENCE
522
00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:33,120
Nah. Nothing.
523
00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:34,640
Thought as much.
524
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,280
There's no energy here.
525
00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:39,360
With experience, you can feel it.
526
00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:41,320
You can't learn that sort of thing.
527
00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:42,960
It's a gift, a calling, really.
528
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:44,960
Come on.
529
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:46,400
You were great, mate.
530
00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:51,560
You have a slightly grating
register and a tendency to gabble.
531
00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:53,720
Something to work on.
532
00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:01,320
Right. On your marks,
533
00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:04,120
get set, and...
534
00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:05,160
CLOCK CHIMES
535
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,120
For King and country!
536
00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:12,440
Yes, yes,
I'll be sure to visit again very soon.
537
00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:15,240
Hideous creatures!
Couldn't take another minute.
538
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:18,200
SHE WHIMPERS
539
00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:24,000
SHE SCREAMS
540
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:26,840
CAMERA CLICKS, SHE SCREAMS
541
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:33,840
There's a real sense there
could quite literally
542
00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:36,080
be a ghost around every corner.
543
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:37,720
I mean, if I just pan around,
544
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:40,040
you get some idea of the
sheer size of this place...
545
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:43,560
Oh, no!
546
00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:45,960
Fanny's exposed!
547
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:51,040
DRAMATIC MUSIC
548
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:53,200
SLOW-MOTION SHOUTING
549
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:06,040
SLOW-MOTION CHEERING
550
00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:14,320
..but, sadly, no Grey Lady.
551
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:15,480
THEY GROAN
552
00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:17,840
Two, 29. Shaved off a second!
553
00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:21,080
Well done, Cap.
554
00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:23,600
I knew it! It's the cold air, you see.
I've still got it.
555
00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:25,040
In my bally prime.
556
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:26,480
Two minutes, 30, weren't it?
557
00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:28,480
MURMURS OF AGREEMENT Slower, if anything.
558
00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:32,640
The Grey Lady!
559
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:36,200
There's free-floa... In zone...
560
00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:39,760
There's a ghost upstairs!
561
00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:42,880
Right, come on! OK!
562
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,840
CAMERAS CLICK
563
00:26:58,240 --> 00:26:59,880
The ghost-ghost.
564
00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:03,280
ROBIN STRAINS
565
00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:13,840
MURMURING
566
00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:16,720
Guys, there you are.
567
00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:18,720
I think I just saw a ghost in there.
568
00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:25,680
I really am...
569
00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:27,280
I'm sorry again for...
570
00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:29,680
Sorry.
571
00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:32,120
You'll be hearing from
my lawyer when I get one.
572
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:35,200
I really am sorry again.
573
00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:39,600
For exploiting people, just because
they're open-minded enough to accept
574
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:42,480
the possibility that there might
just be such a thing as ghosts?
575
00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:47,960
Because, let me tell you,
there are spirits all around us.
576
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:50,640
I just hope one day,
you come to embrace them.
577
00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:51,960
At least!
578
00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:56,800
That must be galling.
579
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,560
Oh, eh! Er, ghouling!
580
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:01,720
HE LAUGHS
581
00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:03,120
No. Come on!
582
00:28:03,120 --> 00:28:05,680
It doesn't really work, mate.
No, come on! Come on!
583
00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:07,360
HE GRUNTS
584
00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:09,000
It's already up on the blogs.
585
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,040
Huh...huh...
586
00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:12,280
..hoax.
587
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:14,000
Well, back to weddings, then.
588
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:15,440
Ah!
589
00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:19,120
Off the lawn! Off the lawn!
590
00:28:19,120 --> 00:28:20,720
Now she does it.
591
00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:22,400
Orf the lawn!
592
00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:24,080
Orf the lawn!
593
00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:26,480
LAUGHTER
594
00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:28,920
Er, Alison, this has stopped working.
595
00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:31,000
It's saying "credit warning",
596
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:35,040
something about in-app purchases,
spending limits, blah-blah-blah.
597
00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:38,200
180 quid?! Well, yeah.
I had to buy some new clubs.
598
00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:41,360
In golf, you have to keep up
with the latest technology.
599
00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:43,000
Oh, you didn't even do the mug.
600
00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:44,480
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
601
00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:49,600
CUP SMASHES
602
00:28:49,600 --> 00:28:50,960
There.
603
00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:54,160
Now, I give you my Nelson Mandela.
604
00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:55,400
Oh, no, no, Julian, no...
42116
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