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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:01,000 Agh! 2 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:07,960 Testing! 3 00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:14,960 Well, that seems pretty conclusive. 4 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,760 She can also hear us. 5 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:46,480 Clear! 6 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:49,640 This room gonna get some DIY! 7 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:50,800 DIY! 8 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:52,880 What is this impudence?! 9 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:57,400 This is my room, do you hear me? My room! 10 00:01:57,440 --> 00:02:01,760 What sort of heathen just barges in on a lady while she's sleeping? 11 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:03,080 Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. 12 00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:05,880 What on earth is going on? 13 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:08,800 # Daddy gonna drill a hole in the wall... # 14 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:10,720 Daddy is not drilling any holes in any... 15 00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:14,680 This is beyond the pale! 16 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:17,000 No. What are you do...? 17 00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:24,320 Oh, you have got to be joking. 18 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:27,720 - Mike! - Er... 19 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:29,840 Oh! This looks fun! 20 00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:32,600 I'm going to call it the smile hole. 21 00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:35,520 Hello, Lady Button! Morning! 22 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:36,920 - Mike! - No, no, no! 23 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,280 You can't just leave it like this. 24 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:39,600 Where are you going? You can't just... 25 00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:41,400 So, what's your favourite morning song? 26 00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:42,600 I think mine is... 27 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:46,760 # There's a lark in the bushel at the corner of the... # 28 00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:51,000 - Mike! - Er... 29 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:56,080 - They're back! - Who? 30 00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:57,520 Them! 31 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,120 Er... 32 00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:04,240 Don't shriek, you ill-bred hen. It is unseemly for a lady to... 33 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:10,200 Him! Cover that up at once. You beastly wretch! 34 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:14,720 I refuse to be taunted in my own home by that lying, cheating... 35 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:16,760 Ex-husband. You know how it is. 36 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:20,080 - Oh, we're the same height! - Do you need a tea? 37 00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:21,920 Lady coming through! 38 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,320 What's your favourite colour? 39 00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:29,840 - Oh, I do wish they wouldn't do that! - Aly! 40 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:33,240 There's a cave one and there's an Army one and there's one with no pants on... 41 00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:34,600 And a first from Cambridge! 42 00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:36,120 - And a first from Cambridge! - OK, OK. 43 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:39,240 I know it may seem very real, but remember what they said at the hospital, yeah? 44 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,320 "May experience visual disturbances." 45 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:42,680 But I can hear them too. 46 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:44,560 And my Uncle Graeme, he thought he could smell toast, 47 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:45,920 but you know what? There was no toast. 48 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,720 He was having a stroke! 49 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:49,800 - He died, Mike. - OK, bad example. 50 00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:52,320 I'm just saying, think about it - what's more likely, 51 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:55,880 that you can see ghosts, or that you're still suffering from severe concussion? 52 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:57,640 - Ghosts. - Concussion. 53 00:03:57,680 --> 00:03:59,800 Exactly. You don't just... 54 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:01,640 Robin, you've been here a while. 55 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:03,600 Have you ever seen anything like this before? 56 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:04,840 One time, yes. 57 00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:06,400 But was a bear. 58 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:09,440 Bear was like, "Raargh!" and I'm like, "Argh!" 59 00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:13,640 and then he like, "Ooh, hurr, hurr!" And I'm like... 60 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:15,320 "Woo!" And the bear's like... 61 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:24,880 You had to be there. 62 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,880 - Rare, then. - Or magic? 63 00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:30,360 - Black magic. - Perhaps she's just special. 64 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:31,840 - Indeed she is. - And you'll be back to your old self 65 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:34,600 in no time. Just give it a few days, yeah? 66 00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:35,640 OK. 67 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:39,760 OK? Yep. 68 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:43,720 So, Mike, what are you up to? 69 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:46,560 Well, I'm hooking up all the stuff that we can't live without. 70 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:48,520 - So like heating and hot water and... - TV. 71 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:50,560 But the boiler's next on the list! 72 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:52,960 After that. 73 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:54,880 Are you sure you know what you're doing? 74 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:57,600 No. But Google does, so we're golden. 75 00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:01,920 Wowee. That's quite the encyclopaedia. 76 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:05,080 It's gotta be, what, two CD-ROMs, min. 77 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:08,600 It's all under control here, so why don't you go and relax? 78 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:11,720 Have yourself a nice war...tepid bath. 79 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:13,760 I'd like that. Ohh! 80 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,360 One of them just said what I said. 81 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,200 See? It's all in your head. 82 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:19,120 Just give it a few days, yeah? 83 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:20,880 Now go on - bath. 84 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:28,000 Clearly, this changes things. 85 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:29,640 By some quirk of fate, it would seem 86 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:32,640 - the new Lady Button... - She's no lady, and no Button. 87 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,880 Well, whoever she is, she can now both see and hear us, 88 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,440 which opens up some intriguing possibilities - 89 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:40,720 chiefly the potential for a full-frontal assault. 90 00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:44,000 - Order them to leave. Face to face. - Yes! 91 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:48,360 Well, conversings with the dead be witchcraft. 92 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,200 People been burned at the stake for less. 93 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:53,320 Except of course she isn't truly conversing, is she? 94 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:55,680 She may give ear to my overtures, 95 00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:59,040 but, alas, she is yet to respond... to any of us. 96 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:00,000 She spoke to me. 97 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:02,440 - What? No, she did not. - Did. Said... 98 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:04,040 Aaargh! 99 00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:06,000 - I don't think that's a word, Robin. - No. 100 00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:08,800 'Tis. I had cousin, that's all he said. 101 00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:11,840 She's not conversing because Mr Sledgehammer up there has convinced her 102 00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:14,320 we are just figments of her imagination, 103 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:16,680 which is why we need a change of tactics. 104 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:19,600 We work in shifts. Campaign of attrition. 105 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:20,960 Guerrilla war. 106 00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:23,640 Gorilla always win. 107 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:26,320 Why is it always about war with you? 108 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:29,920 - Well... - What's wrong with a nice 'hello'? 109 00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:31,560 Maybe show them around. 110 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,600 Then we could all sit down and have a nice friendly chat 111 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:36,480 - about this whole hotel business. - It is nice to be friendly. 112 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,160 - Ideally more than friendly. - Befriended by you lot? 113 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:40,960 I can't think of anything more annoying. 114 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,920 In fact, you know what? 115 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,960 Do that! Yeah, good plan. 116 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:46,200 That'll send them running. 117 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:49,120 Perhaps I should handle the negotiations. 118 00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:50,440 Huh? 119 00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:54,720 Well, I did, after all, resolve the Arabian crisis of '91. 120 00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:58,240 - What, you stopped a war? - No, I stopped a crisis. 121 00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:01,640 By starting a war, as it happens, but, you know, that's not the point. 122 00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:04,760 The point is, I was lead envoy in the negotiations. 123 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,240 Utter toffee. 124 00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:08,920 You couldn't negotiate your way out of a corn maze. 125 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:12,040 How dare you! 126 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:14,400 I'm a respected politician and diplomat, 127 00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:19,560 and I will not have my credentials called into question by some workshy Bohemian. 128 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:22,280 That treaty was my legacy. 129 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:27,080 Oh, yeah, oh, very, very funny. Fine! 130 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:29,240 I'll prove it to you! Mmm. Yeah. 131 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:31,440 Ho-ho! You'll see. 132 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:39,920 Imagine that slammed! 133 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:46,200 # Daddy's gonna give it some DIY, DIY... # 134 00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:51,400 Right. I'll show them. 135 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:08,400 That's better. 136 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:12,400 - No, no, no, no, no - that's worse! - This is awful! 137 00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:14,440 I shall write to the owners. 138 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,240 But where's my quill? 139 00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:20,080 Maybe I left it...downstairs. 140 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:21,720 Oh, brick it up, you oaf. 141 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:24,480 I refuse to spend eternity in the company of a halfwit. 142 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:26,520 - I thought we were friends! - Friends 143 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:29,120 are peers and intellectual equals, Kitty. 144 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:31,080 - We are neither. - Fine! 145 00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:33,400 Then I'm not letting you go in my canoe. 146 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:35,440 I just... 147 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:37,400 Right, then. 148 00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:39,440 Old boiler. 149 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:47,680 This'll learn those berks. 150 00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:05,840 Hmm. 151 00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:19,160 Huh. 152 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:21,320 There's nothing to be scared of. 153 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:29,720 # Daddy gonna fix the boiler now... # 154 00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:31,600 Hmm. 155 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:35,280 # YouTube gonna show Daddy how... # 156 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:37,720 Ooh! 157 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:49,760 Come on! 158 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,240 Ugh! 159 00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:55,520 Oh, it's not playing ball, is it? 160 00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:01,080 - What's he doing? - Oh, no, Daddy. 161 00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:05,240 No, you need to prime the inlet pump, open the induction loop, 162 00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:08,920 repressurise the system, then connect the gas feed, 163 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:10,320 and then ignite the... 164 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:11,800 Or just hit it with a hammer. 165 00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:13,040 Unbelievable. 166 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,600 - Technophobe. - Yeah. 167 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:18,320 Right. It's going to take a sustained assault to grind her down, 168 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:19,760 so we'll take it in shifts. 169 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,720 I'll go first! We have a connection. 170 00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:23,400 A frisson, if you will. 171 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:25,640 Maybe I should go first. Let her know the lay of the land. 172 00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:27,400 No. This is a military campaign, 173 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:29,760 and I'm not the sort to bring up the rear. 174 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:31,080 No, I'll go first. 175 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:33,200 - Urgh! - And then you, Pat, 176 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:34,720 and then Mary, and... 177 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,600 Good heavens. What on earth is that? 178 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:40,560 Ah, now, that is the front bit of a television. 179 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:42,560 I don't know where the back bit is, 180 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,760 - but that's the front! - Extraordinary. 181 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:48,040 - Any luck with the boiler? - Nah, not really. 182 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:49,520 It's in a pretty bad way. 183 00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:51,480 Looks like some idiot has taken a hammer to it. 184 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:53,320 I'll have a look at it tomorrow. 185 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:57,360 Connect this one to the one from the roof 186 00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,320 and we should... 187 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,240 ...get a picture. 188 00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:05,200 Right. Over the top we go! 189 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:15,600 Now look here. 190 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:17,760 As a officer of His Majesty's Armed Forces... 191 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:22,280 ...it is my duty to inform you that you are considered an enemy insurgent 192 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:24,200 and you should surrender your territories to incumbent forces 193 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:26,040 - with immediate effect... - # La-la-la-la-la-la... # 194 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:28,240 ...or face the prospect... OK. 195 00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:30,480 - Very good. I see what you're doing. - # La-la-la-la-la-la 196 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:32,840 - # La-la-la-la-la-la... # - Two can play at that game! 197 00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:43,760 Ah! 198 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:46,160 # I am the very model of a modern Major-General 199 00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:47,240 # I've information vegeta... 200 00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:52,240 # ...ble, animal and mineral 201 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:54,960 # I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical 202 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:58,160 # From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical! # 203 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:01,600 You can run, but you can't... 204 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:04,960 Hello to you. 205 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,920 Hello! And welcome! 206 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,480 On behalf of me and my fellow dead people, may I just say... 207 00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:12,280 Oh, straight onto the tour, OK! 208 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:16,160 On your left is the Master's chamber, or "chambre" - that's French. 209 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:17,440 Wait! 210 00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:20,040 You beautiful girl. 211 00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:34,080 Oh, no. 212 00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:38,680 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 213 00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:41,480 Up next, Hitler's Secret Superweapons. 214 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:43,040 Oh, good Chr... 215 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:44,640 I mean, it's Christmas, it's Christmas morning! 216 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,360 Alison? 217 00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:48,680 Aly? 218 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,960 What the bally hell do you think you're doing, sir? 219 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:54,240 What have you done with the tanks? 220 00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:55,880 You turn that back on this instant... 221 00:12:57,560 --> 00:12:58,760 Where are you going? 222 00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:01,560 If you were dead, I would thrash your bottom, sir! 223 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,040 And there's been a settlement on this site for well over... 224 00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:06,080 - Boo! - ...well, a while now, although this part 225 00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:07,560 - of the building is only... - You're not real. 226 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,720 - Well, we're not alive, but we are... - I can't hear you. 227 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:11,480 - Well, clearly you can, because... - No, I can't. 228 00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:13,000 Well, it's just...you keep answering me... 229 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:14,680 - No, I don't. - ...so why...? 230 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:16,120 My turn? 231 00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:18,600 Sorry, Tom, Captain said that Mary's next. 232 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:20,560 Get out my way, you soppy bit o' rag. 233 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:21,800 Good luck. 234 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:23,720 Although she's not much of a one for chitchat. 235 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:25,920 Oh, don't you worries about me. 236 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,160 I've got something up my sleeves. 237 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:32,720 Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, 238 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:33,840 get out, get out, get out, 239 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:36,880 get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out... 240 00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:43,640 Boo! 241 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,440 Oh, my...! 242 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:47,240 Boo! Classic. 243 00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:51,560 - Yes, to replace the boiler. - So it needs amending. My entry. 244 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:52,920 To reflect my political achievements. 245 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:54,000 What did you say, sorry? 246 00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:56,120 There's plenty who've done worse than I did, believe you me. 247 00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:57,520 My phone number... 248 00:13:57,560 --> 00:13:59,200 The MP for Watney got horses involved. 249 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,000 - 0-7-9... - Yeah, that's plural! 250 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:02,640 - 0-7-9... - Horses! 251 00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:04,240 - It was the shire ones as well. - ..7... Sorry, 0-7... 252 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:06,160 - You know, the ones with the flares? - Can I call you back? 253 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:09,360 A lady employs a knife and fork. 254 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,760 A lady pinches. Whores use rouge. 255 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:15,960 A lady does not hold a carrot like that. 256 00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:20,280 A lady wouldn't tell me to do that to myself! 257 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:23,480 Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, 258 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:25,360 get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out. 259 00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:27,800 Get out, get out, get out, get out... 260 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:29,960 - ..get out, get out, get out, get out... - No better? 261 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,240 ..get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out... 262 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:34,760 Just give it till morning. I'm sure it'll pass. 263 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:38,240 ...get out, get out, get out, get out. 264 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:50,600 # I... 265 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,760 # ...am the very model of a modern Major-General 266 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,360 # I've information vegetable animal and mineral 267 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:58,840 # I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical 268 00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:02,840 # From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical! # 269 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:15,640 Oh, God. 270 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:23,200 Boo! 271 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:26,480 - Agh! - I don't even feel the cold! 272 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,640 - I am a strong, sane woman. - He'd crafted it from a rubber glove 273 00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:32,640 and was using the gravy as lubricant. 274 00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:34,680 - Challenges only make me stronger. - And you can imagine the jokes 275 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:36,440 about "the Chancellor's red box". 276 00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:39,120 And then there was this Liberal fellow, well, you can imagine what he got up to. 277 00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:40,600 He was caught in a sailors' sauna, 278 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,640 and he was not there to learn about boats. 279 00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:45,720 Get out, get out, get out, get out. 280 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:47,160 Get out! 281 00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:57,760 - Oh! - Alone at last. 282 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:03,160 - Alison! - Oh, God! 283 00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:04,520 A moment, please, I beg of you. 284 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:05,800 You're in my head. 285 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,400 And you in mine, my sweet! 286 00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:10,160 What are we doing? 287 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,840 You're married, I'm dead - it can never work. 288 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:14,240 Can it? Maybe it can. 289 00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:16,600 Like Romeo And Juliet, 290 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:18,520 but specifically the bit where he's already dead 291 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,680 and she kills herself to be with him? 292 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:26,280 I am too bold. Forgive me. Accurse my impetuous loins! 293 00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:29,760 You're not yet free of that buffle-headed bobtail. 294 00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:32,880 I'll wait for you, my comely nug. 295 00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:34,400 Though some idea of timescale would be... 296 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:35,440 Oh! 297 00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:38,920 No, I understand, this is all happening so fast. 298 00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:40,560 I can wait! 299 00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:44,880 Lord knows I've had the practice. 300 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:46,360 Come on, man! 301 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:47,680 I'm trying! 302 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:51,000 Well, try harder, man! 303 00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:54,160 You! I demand you reactivate this device with immediate effect! 304 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:56,480 - Any joy with the people from Goggle? - Me again! 305 00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:59,440 Today I thought we could do halls and common passageways. 306 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:02,000 Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out. 307 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:03,800 - Darling! There you are. - Ohh... 308 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:06,120 - Now, I know I said no pressure, but... - None of it is real. 309 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:07,760 None of it is real. 310 00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:09,240 - A lady doesn't mumble. - Ohh! 311 00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:14,520 Don't suppose you've seen a body anywhere? 312 00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:15,560 Is that a no? 313 00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:29,480 Will you be my friend? 314 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:31,920 Agh! 315 00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:41,320 Do you think it's something we said? 316 00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:46,320 - And press the hilt of the venturi... - What is a venturi? 317 00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:49,320 - ...into the domed brass union. - What's a union?! 318 00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:55,520 Don't panic. It takes maybe ten, 20 seconds. 319 00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,320 Oh, that's good. 320 00:17:57,360 --> 00:18:00,120 Oh, that's bad. 321 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,520 - Mike! - Jesus, you scared me! 322 00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,240 It's no good, OK, I need to go and get some... 323 00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:05,480 Holy Mary Mother of God! 324 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:09,080 - Oh, my God. - What's wrong? 325 00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:11,760 "What's wrong"?! The room is full of zombies! 326 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,640 Donkeys? 327 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:15,080 Honey, I promise you it isn't. 328 00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:17,440 Then I have to go back to the hospital and get some drugs or some therapy 329 00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:19,160 or a bang on the other side of my head, 330 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:21,400 or whatever it takes to stop me from seeing the cast of The Night Of The Dead 331 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:22,800 every single time I walk into a room! 332 00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,480 It's Night Of The Living De... 333 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:25,440 Not now. 334 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:26,960 I can't go on like this, OK? 335 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:30,120 So you either drive me to the hospital right now, or I drive myself. 336 00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:31,960 And I see things that aren't there! 337 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:33,960 - Well, we are. - I'll get my keys. 338 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:36,600 Ohh. Red lever. 339 00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:41,240 - Red lever! - Red lever! 340 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:43,120 - Red lever! - Red lever! 341 00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:47,520 What now? Aly?! 342 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:50,200 What's wrong? 343 00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:51,920 Red lever! 344 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:53,320 Red lever? 345 00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:56,240 Oh! On it! 346 00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:05,680 Oh, what? 347 00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:15,520 - How did you know about the red...? - Maybe we should go. 348 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:16,680 Yeah, yeah, we're going. 349 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,520 No, no, no, I mean away from here. 350 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:20,920 Just move out. It just doesn't feel right. 351 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,440 What? Why would you say that? 352 00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:26,160 It's hard to put my finger on. 353 00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:29,640 All right. Just...one thing at a time, yeah? We'll talk about this later. 354 00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:31,400 Ooh! Electric windows! 355 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:33,800 - Get out of here! - OK, OK! 356 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:48,200 I say. 357 00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:49,800 Well, fascinating. 358 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:53,360 But you don't see them now, do you? 359 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:55,320 Not since we left the house. 360 00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:56,840 Maybe I'm on the mend! 361 00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:57,920 Mmm. 362 00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:59,440 Yes, I know how loans work. 363 00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:01,080 - Sort of. - As I've said before, sir... 364 00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:03,400 But surely if we just give you the money back, then... 365 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:05,240 - ...we cannot end the agreement now. - Yes. 366 00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:07,760 - Do you see? - Yes, I see. 367 00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:09,560 Do you think it was related to the accident? 368 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:12,000 - Oh, yes, undoubtedly. - Oh, good. 369 00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:14,400 So it should just...stop happening, 370 00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:15,880 as I heal? 371 00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:19,280 Well, my diagnosis - based on what you've told me - 372 00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:22,520 is that your accident left you so close to death yourself, 373 00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:25,120 you're now able to see dead people. 374 00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:27,080 - What do you mean? - Well... 375 00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:28,240 can you see me? 376 00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:30,000 - Yes. - Exactly. 377 00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:31,960 I'm dead. 378 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:33,600 So sorry to have kept you. 379 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,480 Oh, she's very good. 380 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:39,160 Ohh! 381 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:40,640 What can I do for you? 382 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:41,880 All right, listen to what I'm... 383 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:43,400 Wait. 384 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:45,680 The doctor's dead! 385 00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:49,240 I just... 386 00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:52,320 I don't understand. If it's come back, why not accept the sedatives? 387 00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:55,560 - I mean, they might help with... - Because... 388 00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:58,600 back at the house I see the same faces every day. 389 00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:01,320 But at the hospital - completely different ones. 390 00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:03,440 Different places, different faces. 391 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,360 - Why would my brain do that? - OK, that is ... 392 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:07,720 It wouldn't. 393 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:09,400 Because they're not in here. 394 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,000 They're out there. 395 00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:34,520 Right, we're selling up. We'll buy a little new-build. 396 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:37,680 One of those soulless little boxes that I've always hated. 397 00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:42,600 One bed is fine. Just somewhere with absolutely no past whatsoever. 398 00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:44,600 Right. Yeah. 399 00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:46,120 It's just... 400 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:48,400 OK, well... 401 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:50,360 - I don't want you to get mad. - Am I going to get mad? 402 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:54,560 Yes. I spoke to the loan people and, with the prepayment penalties and... 403 00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:58,920 Well, long story short, getting out now 404 00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:00,520 would probably bankrupt us. 405 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:03,680 And I only added "probably" to make it sound better. 406 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:05,440 Didn't you read the contracts?! 407 00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:07,320 I gave them what I'd call a lengthy skim. 408 00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:10,440 Oh, Mike, I could kill you! 409 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:11,800 Ooh! Good idea! 410 00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:13,920 Though maybe not here, just because he might... 411 00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:18,040 Right! 412 00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:22,680 Well, there's only one thing for it, isn't there? 413 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:26,560 Fine! I see you! OK?! 414 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:30,280 I see Major-General Can't-Sing, I see Captain Cave-Prick, I see all of you! 415 00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:32,560 OK? You win! 416 00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:33,960 Mission accomplished! 417 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:35,520 I admit your existence. 418 00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:37,760 Now what the hell do you want?! 419 00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:39,400 We want you out of this house! 420 00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:40,680 Yes, you do not belong here! 421 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:42,240 Well, that's tough, isn't it? 422 00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:44,520 Because thanks to my resident mortgage advisor, 423 00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:45,800 we're stuck here! 424 00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:47,960 OK, you're officially freaking me out. 425 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:49,040 So how about you leave? 426 00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:52,480 - We can't leave. - You sort of just stays where you dies. 427 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:54,480 And how you dies...died! 428 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:56,000 It's your classic haunted house. 429 00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:58,480 - Er, Alison... - Whoa. Right. 430 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,160 So I can't go and you can't go. 431 00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:01,400 So... 432 00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:06,120 what will it take to get you all just out of my face, huh? 433 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,600 What do you want? What do you actually want?! 434 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:09,960 Specifically! You? 435 00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:13,520 Right! I'll tell you what we want. 436 00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:15,120 We demand that... 437 00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:18,480 One hour a week of the thing about tanks 438 00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:20,600 and anything on superweapons, please? Thank you. 439 00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:22,880 - Done! Next. - It feels like I should call someone? 440 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:24,160 Who you gonna call?! 441 00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:25,440 You, Sourpuss. 442 00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:29,520 Remove my husband's portrait, and fill the hole in my wall! 443 00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:32,440 - Done. You? - Divorce him, kill yourself, marry me. 444 00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:33,720 - No. - To which bit? 445 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:36,160 - You? - I just wanted to say hello!! 446 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,360 - Hello! - Oh, hello. 447 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:40,720 And on behalf of myself and my fellow ghosts... 448 00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:43,880 Listen. I want those slanderous beggars at Goggle 449 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:47,240 to amend my entry for the next edition. I am a respectable... 450 00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:48,720 It doesn't work like that - it's the internet. 451 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,000 Right. And where are they based? 452 00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:53,520 It's everywhere. In every house in the country, 453 00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:55,040 - in the world. - You mean 454 00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:58,760 every person on the planet just thinks of me as the weirdo MP 455 00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:00,880 who died in some sex scandal? 456 00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:03,720 - That was you?! - What? No! 457 00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:06,400 I don't want anything, actually. Who's next? 458 00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:09,080 Renounce Satan, witch! 459 00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:10,880 Um...OK! 460 00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:13,880 Yeah, yeah, that's probably done it. 461 00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:17,440 And what about you, Budget Tarzan? 462 00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:18,760 What do you want? 463 00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:20,960 - Oh, nuffin', thanks. - Nothing? 464 00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:22,680 So you just spent... 465 00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:26,360 So you just spent the last three days 466 00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:30,600 hiding in every little tiny little dark corner in this entire house, 467 00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:33,280 scaring me out of my mind, 468 00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:34,800 for no reason?! 469 00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:36,600 Well, it was something to do. 470 00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:38,760 My turn! I think we've got a lot in common. 471 00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:40,400 OK, so I've just googled "psychotic break" 472 00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:43,240 and I'm not saying that this is one, but there is an article 473 00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:44,680 - that I think you should have a... - Mike, this isn't... 474 00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:46,880 Can you just come with me? 475 00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:48,520 All of you! 476 00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:49,760 Where are you going? 477 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,480 To shut you all up. 478 00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:54,400 Horsey to go dooka-dakka-deeko. 479 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:56,360 Dooka-dakka-deeko. 480 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:59,200 OK, you go. 481 00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:01,040 Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? 482 00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:02,360 Even more softly. 483 00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:05,760 When's our sleepover again? 484 00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:07,600 - Eighth of March. - And what is it now? 485 00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:10,040 - June. - Oh! So exciting! 486 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:12,920 How long's this on for? 487 00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:15,040 I need to contact this Vicky Pedia. 488 00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:16,720 Shh! Shh! 489 00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:23,840 Er, well played. 490 00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:27,400 Perhaps there is some Button blood in those veins after all. 491 00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:28,760 Yeah. 492 00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:31,880 Well, I'm not sure I buy all this, but I've moved the painting. 493 00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:33,000 And bricked up the hole? 494 00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:35,640 Yeah, I...filled...the hole. 495 00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:39,680 Argh! 496 00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:41,880 Oh, this will not stand! 497 00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:45,160 Well, you seem happier. 498 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:48,680 The good news is I'm not mad. 499 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:51,000 That's a relief. What's the bad news? 500 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:57,320 They are. 501 00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:13,840 Alison! 502 00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:16,520 Turn the right-hand dial horizontal. 503 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:19,440 And press the ignition. 504 00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:21,520 Hey! 505 00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:24,000 OK. 506 00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:26,120 I believe you. 507 00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:27,800 And, er... 508 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:29,480 ...thank you? 509 00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:31,880 - They say you're welcome. - "They"? 510 00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:33,960 You mean there's two of them?! 511 00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:38,880 Yes. 37538

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