All language subtitles for its.a.wonderful.binge.2022.1080p.web.h264-cupcakes

'Twas the night before Christmas,

and I've got a tale to tell.

In the very near future,
things have all gone to hell.

In 2027, it was made illegal
to take drugs or to drink.

A puff, sniff, or sip
will land you straight in the clink.

Except for one night,
The Binge, as it's known,

where it's perfectly legal
to get drunk, high, or stoned.

But something else happened
that no one could anticipate.

Spending Christmas with family sober
would make you irate.

So this year they did
what you wouldn't believe.

They brilliantly moved
The Binge to Christmas Eve.

So grab some mistletoe, kids,
and prepare to get hyped.

A Merry Bingemas to all,

and may you all suck it down pipe!

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to our holiday blowout!

You know our motto,

"When you've literally got
nowhere else to go, come here!"

He's a fake!

Oh, y'all are in trouble now.

Merry Christmas, motherfuckers.

I can't believe they fired us
on Christmas.

Fired? They weren't paying me.

What?

Yeah. I never actually worked there.

You know, I just showed up
whenever you had a shift.

Nobody really ever said anything.

Andrew, I've been meaning
to tell you something.

Oh, look, they're selling
those Special Binge Advent calendars!

I heard they have this explosive ketamine

that makes you Freaky Friday
with whoever you're with.

Full body swap!

Andrew, I'm not binging tonight.

We don't have to Freaky Friday
if you don't want,

but come on, man, we gotta binge!

I know, bro, but can you keep something
between you and me?

Absolutely.

I'm proposing.

- What? Really?
- Sarah's the love of my life.

And I'm going over
to her dad's house today

to ask him for permission.

My boy's getting married!

Shh. Andrew. Keep that on the low,
all right?

Sorry. I just can't contain myself.

- I'm getting married.
- Getting married.

- I'm getting married.
- Look at you, man.

My sweet baby boy, all grown up!

By the way, you and Kimmi are next.

Okay.

And so another Christmas comes to pass

and we all snuggle around the fire
with our loved ones.

May our smiles be wide,
and our hearts be full,

and our mi...

My God!

Sorry, Mayor.
I was saving it for The Binge later.

It slipped outta my pocket.

- Come here.
- Okay.

Stop the work, please.

Hold the work, please!

I must be confused.

By my calculations,
The Binge doesn't start for seven hours.

You do understand that the punishment
for having an open bottle

before The Binge begins
is up to 25 years in prison, yes?

Ma'am, please.

I have a family.

Mm-hmm.

And it's Christmas.

See what else he has.

My pleasure.

- Ouch.
- Drugs.

Will you looky there?

This is my town,
and I am not going to stand by

and let a time-honored event
like Winter Wonderland be destroyed

because you all
wanna do a bunch of slamballs

out of Frosty's hole!

Frosty's hole?

F-F-F-F-F-Frosty's hole?
Did I stutter?

Just now when you were mocking me
or previously?

Shoot that man. In his face.

I can't do that.

Two in the kneecaps then. Make it quick.

They don't even give me a gun.

Oh, my God!

You're making me feel like
maybe I'm the crazy one!

Arrest him!

You're under arrest.

Your mom is truly terrifying.

Yeah, she's in the middle
of a nervous breakdown or something.

Does anybody else wanna binge?

Where are we binging tonight?
Chili's? Whackadoodles?

I heard Bed, Bath & Beyond
is doing something in the Beyond area.

Aren't we past all that binge stuff?

It's a little immature.

Can... Can you follow the snow path?

It's a... It's a valley.
It has... It has to flow a certain way.

Are you serious right now?

Anyway, I kinda have
to be here to help my mom.

What is she doing with that owl?

She wants it to be like
a Groundhog Punxsutawney Phil thing

that brings people into town.

I hate that so much.

It's me and you, kid,
bringing back Christmas.

Can't binge on an empty stomach.

Let's plop something on.

- I'm not doing that.
- Just plop it.

Stop telling me to plop it.

Plop it.

- Hey, hey!
- What up, bro?

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, bro.

I got you something, man.

What's that? Is that for me?

- That's for you, man.
- Get the fuck outta here!

Put it on. Put it on.

"Best Brother Ever!"

Hey, Dakota, this is for you.

There was a two-fer.

I hate you so much.

Babe, we talked about this.

What did we say about
being nicer to my brother?

I can't! Look at him.

Look at all that up there.

And all that in the middle part.

- My face and my body?
- Yeah.

- Just be nice to him.
- No.

I thought
I heard someone come in,

and you must be Andrew.

Wait, who the fuck is this?

Andrew, I'm Craig, your mom's new lover.

You're... banging my mom?

Your mother and I
are intimate together, yes.

And we have a very special relationship.

And, Andrew, I don't think
you should be threatened at all by me

or my relationship with your mother.

Are you kidding me with this fucking guy?

What the hell is going on?

I am so excited
to be spending the holiday

with you and your family.

Get the fuck outta here!

I love a family that goofs around.

I'm into it.

I'm not so sure
you're gonna like Christmas with us.

Can you guys
shut the fuck up, please?

Andrew, what the hell
took you so long to get home?

I was getting presents, Mom!
What the fuck?

The only present I ever got
was the human papillomavirus

from a retired jockey in Ronkonkoma!

Nobody wants to hear
your fucking stories!

Actually, I kind of do.

Will you shut the fuck up, Craig?

Don't you tell my Craig to shut up!

I will burn this house to the ground
and make it look like a fucking accident!

You're upsetting Craig
with all the yelling!

He is a very sensitive man!

I apologize. I apologize all around.

Don't apologize!
How many times have I told you?

I'm not sorry for anything.

- You're not sorry?
- You're not sorry for anything?

Are you fucking kidding me? Are you crazy?

What kind of person are you?

I'm indifferent.
I'm just Indifferent Craig.

Indifferent Craig, fix this!

Oh, I'll put a cinnamon glaze on it.

Mr. Martin! Good to see you, sir.

Nice of you to dress up, Hags.

Uh, w... what are you working on?

Ah, it's a little thing I've been
working on for the past two years.

Wow, sir! You have quite the talent.

Yeah.

I mean, this is basically
a flawless gingerbread man.

- It's a self-portrait.
- Really?

What an amazing piece.
Thank you.

Next up, can you sculpt me
like one of your French girls?

You know, like in Titanic.

The shipwreck in 1912
that killed 1,500 innocent people?

That Titanic?

I meant the movie.

You know as well as I do,
movies are just pictures with sound.

Uh, well, I'm happy you're out here

'cause I wanted
to talk to you about something.

You know, um,
Sarah and I have been dating each other

for about three and a half years now.
You're a good kid, Hags.

I know it's been hard holding off
being intimate with my daughter.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, right!

Yeah... Yeah, we're waiting until marriage.

We might even wait
a couple years after marriage.

We could just
love each other from a distance.

But since you brought up marriage though,

uh, I wanted to ask you, Mr. Martin...

Oh, no, please.
Mr. Martin was my father.

I'm Dr. Martin.

One of the first things
I learned in medical school

is how to cut through the bone
cleanly and swiftly.

You're a foot doctor.

Feet have bones, Hags!

That's the second thing
I learned in medical school.

Let me show you.

Please don't.

Hags hasn't been Hags lately.

He's been acting, like, super weird.

Has Andrew said anything about him?

Andrew and I had a conscious uncoupling.

How is this the first time
I'm hearing about this?

Well, we haven't really talked
since I've been away at college.

And to be honest,
as insufferable as my mom is,

she did offer to give me a job.

And she thinks
that Andrew could ruin her image,

mainly his two dads.

So what?
Literally, everyone's parents are gay now.

If anything, I think
that'll help her win the election.

No, like, he literally has two dads.

He's a twin from two separate fathers.

It's... It's actually pretty common.

His mom had sex with two men
in a short window of time

who got her pregnant at the same time.

Like a Rube Goldberg system
of having sex...

- Gross. - ...where the egg gets
knocked into one or another,

and then you get two
for the price of one, even if...

Eyyy! Is that Andrew I hear?

Merry Christmas, son.

Merry Christmas, Dad.

Dad? Did someone say my name?

No, nobody said your name.

If I remember correctly,
it's almost time for me and your brother

to make you eat
all the tinsel off the Christmas tree.

I... I haven't...

I haven't eaten all the tinsel
from the Christmas tree in... in years.

Well, I think
it's always sad to see a tradition die.

But The Binge starts in two hours,

and I'm gonna get ass up
on this motherfuckin' dale, dale!

Whipping up a batch
of my world-famous nog.

Hopefully, Hector doesn't puke
on the pussycat again.

You know that cat ran away.

See what you did, Hector?

You know I have
a lactose intolerance, Rigo.

Oh, yeah. Hector,
that excuse ain't gonna fly on The Binge.

Tonight, all the rules are out the window!

That's not really
how irritable bowel syndrome works.

Well, then I guess you're gonna
shit your pants at the dinner table.

I guess I am.

Oh. My. God.

Kimberly! Kimberly, come. Hurry up.

Okay, ladies.
Ears open, mouths closed, eyes wide.

What should we do with our noses?

Flared and proud, Sarah.

That owl is freaking me out.

What does an owl even have
to do with Christmas anyway?

I've got a hunch a similar thing
was said about bunnies and Easter,

but we all collectively seem
to have moved past it.

Have we not?

- I guess.
- You guessed right!

And do not play games with me,
not tonight,

because I am not Hasbro,
and this ain't Monopoly.

You will be Sorry and in Trouble

if you mess with my Operation.

She loves board games.

It's, like, her only frame of reference.
I'm getting that.

Girls, it is only one short month
away from the election,

and we need to remind this town
of who they are.

Our brand is family values.

Now I've already confiscated drugs
from the disgusting help that works here.

And Channel 7 will be doing
a redemption piece on me.

The Mayor who defied all odds.

The Mayor who brought down The Binge,

and brought Christmas and tourism back

with the magical help
of the Christmas Owl.

Shh, shh, shh, shh!
Nobody move. Nobody move.

If I call it, it will come to me.

Someone get it! Get the owl!
I'm not getting him!

He looked at me
like he had something to prove.

Shoot this man!

Again, I... I can't.

- Shit! Kimmi.
- Yes.

You have your first task
as not my daughter

but as my employee.

I need that owl back

'cause it really is
the cornerstone of this entire event.

Do you understand?

Go get me my Christmas Owl!

Indoor hot tub, Hags.
Just had it installed.

It's absolutely crucial

when the body temperature drops
under 32 like yours did.

Um, whose bathing suit am I in?

I popped you into one of mine.

So, uh, you wanna turn on
the bubbles or nothing?

No, no. I like to be able
to see right through to the bottom.

Too many mysteries in those bubbles.

So I think you were gonna ask me
if you could marry my daughter.

Yes! No, that's exactly right!

I mean, if... if I have your blessing,
if that's all right with you.

And her. Is she okay?

Yeah. That's Grandma Ray.
She has nocturnal lagophthalmos.

She sleeps with her eyes open.
She always has.

Right.

You know, Sarah's all I got.

I was adopted just like her,
and my mother before me.

It's part of our family ethos

to bring together love
from all different walks of life.

And that all culminates on Christmas.

Man, that is beautiful.

Night terrors.
Just ignore it, she's fine.

Okay.

I... I mean, sir, you know,
Sarah and I are really just...

Don't stare at her, please.

Sir, if she's asleep, how will she know?

Do you wanna marry Sarah,

or do you want to talk about Grandma Ray?

That's exactly...
I would love to marry your daughter.

Mm-hmm.

I know Sarah and I
are both a little stuck in our ways,

but I... I... I'm starting
to notice our friends move on

to the next phases of their lives,

and... I think we're ready to do that too.

Uh... You know what? No.

I know we are.

Mom, wake up!

I think it's time to tell him
the story of the family ring.

Yes.

A jeweled kaleidoscope of different eras,
cultures, and love sagas,

originally etched
by my great-great-grandfather

who was the bastard child
of a wild-eyed blacksmith

and a legless courtesan
during the Ottoman Empire.

Formed from the hottest lava
in the hills of Ganesh.

There was a tradition that
every time the ring was passed down,

a stone would be added.

Well, she eventually added a ruby

and passed it down to her daughter,
my great-grandmother,

who was the first woman soldier
to fight in the Zaraniq Rebellion.

The ring was quickly lost
in a hail of gunpowder and smoke.

She buried the ring
in her baby daughter's blanket

and ran back
into the war zone, ready to die!

This is important.
Don't miss this next five minutes.

That baby was raised by zebras
in what was then British East Africa

and grew up to be my grandmother

who was eventually adopted
by a nice East Coast family.

Thus began the long line of adoptions.

Well, she went on to marry
a longshoreman in Northern New Jersey

with gout of the hands.

Fearful that the ring
will be taken from her,

she hid it in the body
of a six-foot rainbow trout

that her husband had brought home
the morning before he went missing.

That ring stayed in the carcass
of that frozen fish for nearly four years,

and now, I bestow it to you.

The legend... unbelievable.

The smell... intolerable.

And now it's yours
to make your own story with.

Here, catch.

Uh-oh.

Right there.

- Got it.
- Good.

Yeah, I see why
you keep the bubbles off now.

Now you're starting to get it, Hags.

Yes, sir.

You know, that was an amazing story...

Uh... don't even bother.
She's conked out.

Welcome to the family, son.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Ew!

What the fuck is happening here?

Why are you guys in the hot tub?

Um, Sarah, I can explain.

I'm just bonding time...

Hags, keep your voice down.
My grandma's sleeping.

Okay, babe,
can you just grab me a towel?

No! Don't waste the towel.

Wipe yourself off on the carpet.

That's what it's there for.

Do not roll around on my carpet.

This is my house.
Roll around on the carpet, please.

Stop carpet drying!

Roll around. Do it!

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Hey, kids! Merry Christmas!

Oh, fuck! Motherfucking owl!

Ooh!

Hey, Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas.

Uh, yeah, good to see ya.
Ho-ho-ho!

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Uncle Kris? What are you doing here?

Hey, Kimmi!

I'm here to restore
the magic of Christmas.

I actually go by Kimberly now.

Oh. Yeah, of course. So mature.

Man, so much has changed
since I've been in the North Pole.

You mean state prison?

Well, it... it is 30 miles north of here.

Are you okay?

Are you kidding? It's Christmas Eve!

I'm better than ever!

But my legs
are starting to get kinda tingly.

Oh, just, ooh!

Oh, wow! Okay! Wow!

You spend a lot of time
on black ice, climbing roofs,

trying to put presents in a chimney,

yeah, you learn a little bit
about pain, you know?

Yeah. Un... Uncle Kris,
can I ask you a serious question?

And can you be 100% honest with me?

Of course. Absolutely.

Did you break out of jail
and steal that squad car?

No, that's my Uber.

Yeah, you got five stars, Rick!

All right, yeah, I stole the car, okay?

But it doesn't matter
because The Binge is on,

and everyone's excited
about Christmas again!

Uncle Kris, I really think
I should take you back to jail.

You're gonna be in so much trouble,
and... and my mom is gonna kill us.

I'll go back to jail
in the morning, I promise.

But tonight, it's about family, all right?

And now we gotta
fix this old leg of mine.

- All right? I need your help, okay?
- Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, just treat it like a gear shift.

Like a Miata.

All right, go for it.

Is there an old brick lying around?

I'll smash it into place on my own.

You don't have to do anything.

Hey, child, what do you want
under the tree this Christmas?

Ho-ho-ho, indeed!

We are reporting live from outside
of Winter Wonderland

which is set to open in just a few hours.

The trains are running,
children are playing,

but terror lurks.

That's right, the reports of owl attacks
have been on the rise.

Many are blaming Mayor Spengler

for releasing a bloodthirsty owl
into town.

Residents, we are advising all of you
to duck and take cover

if you hear any sort of
odd rustling sounds.

And pet owners, make sure
to lock away any scoopable pets.

It's for their safety and yours.

This thing is amazing!

You open the first box
when The Binge starts

and then one every hour till it's over.

We're gonna be so fucked.

So, babe, what are you thinking
I should wear for dinner tonight?

Should I do a traditional button-down

or... wait a minute,

something a bit more flashy?

Who cares? You don't see me
stressing about my wardrobe.

Well, that's 'cause you'll look stunning
in anything you decide to wear.

All right,
what the hell is wrong with you?

- Huh?
- Everyone is acting so bizarre.

You're planning your Christmas outfits.

My dad's tubbing with you.

Kimmi gets back home from college
and wants to be called Kimberly.

Well, you know,
maybe we're all just growing up.

- Oh, I know what you're doing.
- You do?

I actually have
a little Christmas surprise for you.

I was gonna wait till later tonight, but...

Oh, babe! Thank you!

I can't wait...
Oh! Oh, look at this!

This is...

What is this?

It's a sex vest.
It's called the Titilator.

You said you wanted to spice things up.

When did I say that?

I like the current spice level
of our relationship.

Well I paid $3.99
for the app, so put it on.

App?

Woo!

Hey, guys, it's almost time to binge.

Let's have a toast.

Toast to purity, respect, and honesty,

the most important things in the world.

Dad, go away!

No, see, we should really stop.
What if he hears us?

He won't hear anything.
I'll just put on some fuck music.

What kind of music?

Alexa, play fuck music.

Why are you saying that so loud?

Now playing Sarah's fuck music playlist.

Hmph. I'm glad to see
funk is making a comeback with the kids.

Since when are you
so worried about my dad?

He's not gonna come in.

Do you want me to come in?

- No!
- No!

Alexa, turn up the Titilator
to level seven.

Titilator, level seven.

Okay, Alexa, stop. This is bad.

Oh-oh-oh-oh, this is bad.

Calling Dad.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!

Sarah, what are those haunted noises?

Are you guys playing
with the Ouija board again?

Sarah, Sarah, please.

I can't take anymore,
and your dad's outside.

And what if Santa flies by
and he sees my penis?

You're saying
you don't wanna have sex with me

because you're afraid that Santa Claus
will fly by the window in the daytime

and see your penis?

Yes?

- Eight.
- No.

- Nine.
- Why you counting?

Ten.

As the clock struck six,
The Binge began anew,

and the hearts of all families
and children grew.

And although it may seem
like a good idea to imbibe,

we may soon see the grass
isn't always greener on the other side.

Dale! Dale! Dale! Dale!

- That's my girl.
- All right. Okay.

Now let's all go around the table

and say one thing
we are thankful for this year.

Isn't that like a Thanksgiving?

- Callate!
- Okay.

I just wanna say, I am thankful
for getting the chance to love again.

After Nana passed away, I sort of...

No one cares about you, Craig.

Don't you talk to Craig like that!

Hey, hey, hey!
On Thanksgiving, I talk to whoever I want,

however I want, okay?

I gotta say,
I'm thankful for this frothy-ass eggnog.

Best batch yet, Pop.

Which brings me to my next point.

Andy, I hate to break it to you, kid,

but the proof is in the piss.

I ain't your dad, son.

Rigo, don't start with this shit again!

Nah, nah, nah. I'm gonna start it.

I paid child support for 18 years,
and I want my money back.

Hector's obviously his father,
two sad sacks that are afraid of milk.

We're not afraid of milk.
Our bodies reject it.

No, you're afraid. You're afrai...
You're... You're afraid!

Bro, just drink the eggnog.
You're ruining Christmas again.

I get diarrhea.

Diarrhea is just
weakness leaving the body.

Dale! Tomar!

- Drink the goddamn eggnog!
- Tomar! Tomar!

- Okay, okay.
- I'll do it too.

Tomar!

Just all the way.

All right, all right. Shut your top
and bottom holes and let's say grace.

Grace, my favorite part
of Christmas dinner.

Dear Lord, we thank you for this food.

Often we forget
about the unadulterated violence

and corruption in the pig industry!

- Oh, may I be excused?
- During grace?

Just let him go, please.

You think you can come
into this house once a year

and tell me how to raise my kid?

He's my kid too!

Ah-ha! It is his!

I just want my money back.
I wanna invest in stocks.

What do you know about stocks?

I know I need to put
every dime I have into Titcoin.

What the fuck is Titcoin?

Universal cryptocurrency
used among strip clubs worldwide,

and I'm getting in
on the ground floor, baby!

For fuck's sake.

Andy, spit in this vial.

I'm gonna take your ass
to the Maury Show.

- No.
- Yes.

Can't we have one Christmas
where we don't mention Maury?

No!

Is this still grace?

May I please be excused?

You don't wanna
spit in that thing, that's fine.

Stab him in the leg.
We bring his blood to Maury.

Dakota, stab him.
No.

- Dakota, goddamn it!
- Oh, my God!

Stop it! Just stop it!

I can't take it anymore!

What kind of family is this?

I mean, two dads competing against other?

Force feeding a lactose-intolerant boy?

And... And... And Maury? And Titcoin?

Deidre, I love you,
but this is not how people should act.

Now let's all just remember
why we are here.

Family.

- Shut the fuck up!
- Get the fuck outta here!

Family.

Get outta this fucking house!

Andrew, you just made
the love of my life leave!

I made him leave?

Are you happy?
You ruined the holidays again.

The world would've been a better place
if you had never been born!

Amen, beautifully said.

Now let's eat.

I was thinking after dinner,
we could all maybe pop into the hot tub.

No one wants
to go in the indoor tub with you.

He makes everyone carpet dry. It's gross.

I just want us
to take it easy this year at Binge.

I don't want us to be like
the Smiths across the street, okay?

Sarah, did you not just hear me?

Fourteen centuries of tradition!

A priceless ring etched in lava!

Did someone say ugly sweater party?

Hags, I got you that sweater
for your birthday.

It was not meant
to be worn for ugly party purposes.

Oh! Girl, I know that.

- Take it off.
- What now?

Take it off if you think it's so ugly!

I... I don't think I should.

My family's waiting!

- I'm sorry.
- All right.

Wow.

What?

Put the sweater back on, Hags,
and sit down.

Sorry, I'm tardy.

Leather vest,
it's just an inside joke we have.

- Isn't that right, honey?
- Oh, really?

Vest got stuck.

Why is that funny?

Oh, I don't think
you'd find it funny, sir.

I have a sense of humor.
What's the joke?

Um, well, you know,
so many animals had to die

in order to make
something leather like this,

and it's just so sad.

Okay, sad is funny.

I mean, structurally it works,

but the punchline
is ambiguous at the very best.

Fern, Ron, do you find it funny?

Not funny.

Well, okay, I see the kids get it.

That must be a generational thing.

No, Hags, they're simply
sensing the tension in the room

and laughing out of discomfort.

Grandma's just sleepwalking.

I still don't know
when that's happening.

Don't be scared, kids.
She has a sonar now, remember?

Just like the bats.

Just like the bats.

Ooh. Speaking of bat,
I hope that's not Batman.

Now that's what a joke looks like.
You can study from him.

- So, Hags, circling back here.
- Sir.

The joke was that many animals
had to die to make that leather vest?

Uh, sorry, just getting a...

That's inappropriate at the dinner table.

Why don't you go outside
and answer the phone?

Andrew, bad timing, man.

I just put Sarah's ring
under the tree and...

Where are you, man? I need you.

My whole family was yelling.

There was
this butter knife incident going on.

Andrew,
I'm dealing with my own... Shiiit.

Hags? Hags!

I have no one.

They were right.

They were all right.

I wish I was never born!

What the fuck is that?

My God,
that thing's moving at super speed.

No, no. That's not from this world.

That thing's haunted.

Oh, my God, it's coming right at me!

Oh, come on! Come on!

Do it, you son of a...

Grandma Ray, are you okay?

Grandma, if you're sleeping,
I... I... I really need you to wake up.

- Ah!
- Jesus!

Ah, this party's fuckin' dead.

You should've seen the shit
we were into back in the '60s, huh?

The slop-house '60s, we called them. Ah.

I never heard anyone call them that.

Hey, Grandma,
you have a heart condition, all right?

You can't be doing this.

Eh... Eh... Eh... Eh!
You gotta get in there.

Oh. No, no, no, no, no.

Everybody's out there
and I just can't, you know...

Did everybody give you
their wedding ring or did I, huh?

Don't make me regret this, Hanes.

- Hags.
- You wish.

I feel like I'm 76 again.

Ah, the slop-house '70s,
that's what they called 'em.

Here, you better party with me
or I'm gonna take my ring back, yeah?

- Just a baby bump, okay?
- Okay.

And then we go back inside.

Ooh... Yeah, yeah. A big fat baby.

And then we go back inside, all right?

- Big fat baby.
- Okay.

Get in there. Don't be a pussy.

Wah!

Hey, did I ever tell you the story
about how I got my wedding ring?

- Hey!
- Aah!

Come with me if you wanna binge.

You got a nice place here, man.

Uh, yeah,
it's been in my family for years.

No way.

- Here you go.
- Oh, no, no.

No, no. It's all legal tonight.
Happy Bingemas!

Happy Bingemas! Yeah. Oh, boy.

Wow.

Whoa!

So... who are you, man?

I'm Angel.

Angel? Like... Like, you're my angel?

If that's what you wanna hear, kid.

Now what's your problem?

Well, my problem
is my problem can't get fixed.

You know, I kinda
ruined my family by being born.

You haven't ruined nothing.

Family is just a four-letter word.

Yeah, you know I...

Wait, that's wrong.

Hold on.
Yeah, that's not a four-letter word.

Hey, even a broken clock is right
three times an hour.

No, that's... that's not right either.
That's... Yeah, that's wrong.

I mean, yo, my brain's
kinda scrambled right now.

What was in that pipe?

Every angel needs a little magic dust.

Angel dust, if you wish.

Is that what was
coming outta Tinker Bell?

- Hey! Bingo.
- Wow.

Never Never Land
is a place in your mind!

The whole thing is an homage to drugs.

You have to learn
to read between the lines, Andy.

I learned that at MIT.

No shit! You... You went to MIT?

Yeah, Mental Institute of Texas.

Oh.

Spent about a year there.

Decided it wasn't for me.

But tonight, it's about you.

We'll start by getting
that knife out of your vastus lateralis.

Vastus whateralis?

It's the biggest part of your quadricep.

Learned that in MED school.

Wait, you went to MED school?

Mm, of course.

Minneapolis Expert Detention
school for criminals.

Oh.

Learned how to stab a sucker there.

- Oh, whoa-whoa! Yo!
- How's that?

- That's bad.
- Okay.

The good news is we can get it out.

Mm-hmm.

Bad news is it's so deep,

we gotta push it through
to the other side.

Push it through?
What, are you crazy? No!

You got a better idea?

You wanna just keep limping?

Aah! Fuck it!

- Here, here, here.
- Ooh! Oh, it's out!

One more hit should get you to Never Land.

Feel that? Christmas magic!

Now we can get
to the root of your problem.

I'm gonna show you
why your family needs you

a lot more than you'll ever know.

You can do that?

Hey, I'm an angel. Of course!

Family problems are mostly mental.

Learned that at Yale.

Let me guess,
that's some sort of rehab center, right?

Yale, huh? A free clinic?

How dare you!

You think a guy like me
can't go to an Ivy League College?

Hello?
No, no, I-

- You should be ashamed of yourself.

A one, two, three, four!

Yeah! Okay, Grandma!

We talked about this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Keep the pace.
You're dragging a little bit, all right?

It's a medley! It's a medley!

Kids, you ready?

Jesus freaks,
make some noise in the back!

Here we go! Pitch pipe!

One, a-two, a-one, two, three, four, five!

Yes! Yes!
Ooh! Yeah!

I love that, Grandma.

Hags, did you give her something?

What? No, of course not!

He made me do it!

Oh, so you just gonna lie
on Jesus' birthday?

Is this another one
of your world-famous jokes,

you piece of shit?

No, it ain't!
Grandma, tell him what happened!

He told me
it was like the movie Speed!

If I didn't do all these drugs,
I would explode!

That's not how this went down.

Stop trying to speed my grandma.
You're gonna fucking kill her.

This is not what you think it is, okay?

First of all, your grandmom's a liar.

Third of all...

Wait, wait. What happened to the...
What happened to the presents?

Who gives a fuck about presents...

No, no, there was
Christmas presents under the tree.

What happened to 'em?

This isn't the time
to be thinking about presents.

Where'd they go?

Haven't you heard a word that I've said?

For us, the gift is family.

Every year, we give
all of our gifts to the orphanage.

It's the least we can give to them
after all they've given to us.

Okay. Sarah, honey, I gotta go.

- What?
- But I'll be right back.

Where the hell are you going?

I told Andrew that I would stop by
and see him and... and see his family.

I promised him I'll be there.

- You hate Andrew's family.
- Kind of, yes, honey.

But I really need to go.
On Christmas Eve?

I need you to trust me.

This will all make sense in a little bit.
I love you.

I'll see you in a minute. Thank you.

Are you looking for... this?

No! Why would I be looking
for a VHS copy of Con Air?

What?

We watched it every Christmas, remember?

This is where
I learned to steal a cop car.

Oh, that's super cool, Uncle Kris.

But I really need to find
this stupid fucking Christmas Owl

or my mom will actually murder me.

Oh, I was thinking.
We should go to the Winter Wonderland.

That's a really great idea,

but it actually isn't
because you shouldn't be in public.

The cops are gonna see you.

That's the beauty of tonight.

Because everyone's dressed like me,
so I'll blend right in.

Hey, Kimmi, come here, will ya?
Got you something.

Oh, Uncle Kris.
I didn't really get you anything.

Merry Christmas.

I had it taped to the wall of my cell
right next to my bed,

and, um, I was remembering
when your dad passed away

how hard it was on the family.

And how your mom,

you know, she just
kind of threw herself into her work

and kind of at the expense
of your upbringing.

So I just... I don't know,

I always kind of saw myself
as kind of a de facto dad,

you know, even though I, you know,
I'm not the normal uncle or whatever.

But I just wanted you
to know that I love you very much.

And I'm really happy
to be with you on Christmas.

And I, you know, I just wish

everything could go back
to the way it used to be, you know?

I don't think
that's possible, Uncle Kris.

No, no, no. It is!
It is. I'm telling you!

You know, everything's gonna
be totally normal from here on out.

Fuck! That's the cops. It's the cops.

Okay. You haven't seen me.
You haven't seen me at all...

Oh, no. You've seen me,
but I was far away. Just say that.

Okay.

That motherfucker
is cheating on me! I know it!

- Who, Hags? No.
- Obviously!

He wouldn't cheat on you.
He is so, so, so scared of you, and...

Kimmi, is that your weird uncle
hiding behind the Christmas tree?

Oh, hey! Yeah.

Merry Christmas.
You look good, look festive.

You seem happy. How's your dad?

Uh, you know, staying out of jail.

No way! It's hard to do.
Trust me.

So anyway, I'm gonna go
put some stuff on the sleigh.

Christmas is right around the corner!

Uh, anyway, you guys go back
to your girl problem.

Let me just say
from the bottom of my heart, Sarah,

I'm so glad you're not the DEA. Seriously.

- Right. Me too.
- Yeah.

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Yeah, he used to dress like Santa
every Christmas,

but somewhere down the road,
it became full-time.

Some people are so crazy.

Anyway, I have a tracker
on Hags' phone and iPad.

I pinged all the cell towers
at every location he's been to today,

cross-referenced it
with the location of his laptop,

which I also have bugged,

so triangulation
should be fairly straightforward.

We need to follow him
and see where he's going.

Yeah, that's totally normal and healthy

and not at all psychotic,
but, um, I can't.

Uh, I have to be
at Winter Wonderland at 09:00,

and I still need to find
this stupid fucking Christmas Owl.

Otherwise, my mom...
Oh, my God!

There has to be something in here
that'll loosen you up.

I don't need to be loosened!
I'm not binging!

We actually are
a very upstanding family, okay?

Okay! Ladies, ladies.
Hey, everything's totally fine.

You know what?
It's more than fine. Merry Christmas!

It's just... The neighbors, I think,
recognized me and called the cops

while I was decorating my sleigh.

The squad car he stole.

Right.

Look, again, everything's totally fine.

We just probably wanna leave
within the next two or three minutes,

or there's gonna be
a lot of angry banter over a megaphone

and, uh, I dunno, possible gunfire.
Maybe. I don't know.

Somebody kill me.

- Andrew?
- Hello?

Andrew, hey! Hey, okay, listen.

I'm outside of the old high school,
and it's fucking freezing out here.

Where are you?

Just kidding. This is a voice mail. Beep.

Damn!

Just kidding. I'm still here. Go on.

Oh, shit. Okay, cool.

Listen, I... I lost
Sarah's grandma's ring that was like...

Uh-huh.

- I was in a hot tub with her dad.
- Yeah?

It's crazy. Can you come pick me up?

That's so interesting.

I'd love to hear more about this story.

Yeah, okay,
so I texted somebody for a ride,

but they haven't gotten back to me yet.

- And... And I'm... I'm out here in the cold.
- Yeah?

- The ring's in the orphanage.
- Uh-huh.

I just need somebody to come get me
'cause I'm high on cocaine.

I'm warm on my inside
and cold in my toes and fingers!

- That's crazy.
- So please, can you come get me?

Only thing is I'm not here.

Oh, you... you sick,
twisted motherfucker, man!

I told you to stop doing this shit!

Hey, hey! Right here!

Right here!

Thank God.

Okay, if I pull this off,

I promise, we ain't got
no more problems, okay?

You and me, forever. Just... Thank you.

Hey!

Hey.

Did somebody say Pimp My Ride
three times in the mirror?

Pompano Mike!

- First of all, Merry Christmas.
- Same.

Second of all,
is there any way you can gimme a ride?

Let's make some donuts, motherfucker.
Get in!

- Okay!
- Okay!

All right. To the orphanage we go.

I didn't know
there was gonna be another person in here.

Not just a person,
a force of friggin' nature.

- Ooo-kay. I'm Delray Donna.
- I'm Hags.

I'm... Pompano over here...
His life partner and spiritual advisor.

Yeah.

Are you from Delray?

No, no, no!
No, no way, dude!

I'm just living
in that south Florida state of mind.

- That's right, baby.
- Should've known.

- Hey, it is so darn good to see you!
- Good to see you.

What's going on? What's new?
You still training for the Olympics?

- I heard you do long put.
- No!

Long jumps?

- Never did an Olympic thing in my life.
- No?

But I am about to make
the biggest decision of my life.

- Ooh.
- Oh. Whether or not to start training for the Olympics?

Ooh.

No. I'm proposing
to my girlfriend, Sarah.

- Oh, my God!
- Ah.

- That is awesome!
- That is beautiful.

- Can I get a little peek of that ring?
- I'd love to see that charmer.

I accidentally donated the ring
to the orphanage, so.

- Oh, tale as old as time.
- I gotta go get it.

- Darn.
- Oh, no!

Can you keep your eyes on the road?

Where we're going, there are no roads.

When you live in your car,
you don't work a day in your life.

Oh, amen.

Baby, we're being rude and also impolite.

It's Hanukkah here in Binge Town,
and we should give him a Mazel-Tug.

- Oh, wow!
- Yes.

Here you go. Choo-choo, baby.

Here's to merriment,
here's to friendship,

to proposals,

and most of all, suck it down pipe!

- Suck it down pipe.
- No, thank you, guys.

I appreciate it, though.
Yeah, ooh, we understand.

We're on the same wavelength.

- Totally get it. We get it.
- Thank you.

Pipe, suck it, down it.

Take the pipe. Suck it down.

Suck-a that pipe suck stick, Piper.

Everybody says the secret to suck-cess
is... is opening yourself to all the...

Pipeabilities.

Okay. Can you stop?

Okay, okay. If I smoke it,
will you please stop making puns?

I'm begging you.

Maybe.

- Okay.
- All right!

- All right! There he goes.
- Yeah.

That's the beautiful power
of peer pressure.

Hey, have you ever seen
the feature film length feature

Honey, I Sucked the Pipe?

So this is what again?

That one's got a little Crunch in it.

What's Crunch?

Yeah. Little Corgi's Gone Wild.

This one's Medulla All-Blunt-Gatta.

Christopher Mintz Plasse.

Greek Lettuce.

The bassist from Smash Mouth.

That one's the Three Wood.

Sneeze!

The tiny thing they put in a pizza box
to keep it from flattening.

You got a little bit
of Baby Gerkin there.

Greenpeace, Cub Scout,
Yellow Belly, Wet Willy, Circuit City.

Guys, I'm smoking it!
Can you just stop speaking?

Well, you better crank that suck pipe
'cause we're already at the orphanage.

Ooh.

Oh, did I say
that last one was Circuit City?

I actually think it's Mambo Number 6.

What the fuck is this?

I would never put up these decorations.

Andy, you don't exist in this universe.

Do you understand?

This is what it would be like
if you were never born.

- Oh.
- Come on.

Oh, golly, Mother. This is fantastic!

You've certainly outdone yourself.

Before we eat, I'd like to say grace.

- Yes!
- Grace.

Here we go.

Dear heavenly Lord,
we thank you for this delicious meal

and for all of the beautiful blessings
that surround us.

This is a time
of self-reflection and redemption.

All of our past misdeeds
can be undone with love,

and, of course, the perfect family.

- Amen.
- Amen.

This is terrifying.

When you have a perfect son,
there is no need to make another.

Oh, I'm so glad
it was only the three of us growing up.

I know!

I was going to wait till Christmas
morning to tell you guys.

I brilliantly decided
to invest in Titcoin.

Oh, how exotic!

And it paid out big, real big.

$40 million!

Rigo!

What do you guys want?
Do you want the moon?

Just say it,
and I'll buy it for you with Titcoin!

This is truly
the merriest Christmas of all.

My work here is done.

Wha... What are you talking about
your work here is done?

You haven't done anything for me!

It's a Christmas miracle! Look it.

Family. Happy. Joyous.

I left my house when I was seven,

and the only thing I miss
is my mother's golden brown chicken wings.

Boy, and your mother
must be one hell of a cook.

No, no, she isn't.

In fact, she burns everything she touches.

And, hey, isn't this supposed
to be going the other way around, man?

Isn't the whole point of this fantasy
to prove that things are much worse

with me not around?

Angel. Angel?

Angel?

Hey, who the fuck are you?

I... I'm Andrew.
I met you under the bridge.

Under the bridge?
That don't sound like me, homes.

You took me to your tent, man!

You said it was in your family
for generations!

Oh, wait. I remember, yeah!

Chicken wings. My mother's chicken wings...

No, no, no. You already told me that.
You told me that already.

Did I fix your life?

No, not at all.

Eskimo kisses!

Oh, my God, this isn't right.
I can't look at this.

You gotta lose your attitude, homes.
It sucks!

All right, here we go.

Winter Wonderland
has just opened its doors.

And I have to say,
the mood here is slightly strange

as The Binge has brought in
a different class of people.

Uh, sir, what brings you
to Winter Wonderland?

Hey, we came here to party
and eat some fucking ass, yo!

Now, when you say eat ass,

uh, is that metaphorically, or are you
actually going to perform a sex act?

I, metaphorically, am gonna eat
some fucking ass, literally, dude!

While confusing,
I think I get your point.

So inside, there are families gathering,

children are having a great time.

Now, sir, it seems like you have
a group of friends here.

Are you expecting anymore?

Oh, hell yeah.

The Bingers are coming, man.

We're taking over, all right?
Okay.

We are gonna turn Winter Wonderland

into Binger...

Fingerland, dude!

But, uh, while I don't agree that
that pun was as strong as it could be,

I do agree with the sentiment.

Uh, the Bingers are coming.

Enjoy. Vote for Mayor Spengler.

I'm allergic to nuts.

Well, what did you think was going
to happen at the nutcracker station?

I have a secret for you, okay?

Complaining makes Santa very, very angry.

But I'm okay with it.

There you go. Merry Christmas!

Life's short. You gotta make sure
you live it, all right?

Eleven months out of the year,
I'm at a Scion dealership.

Yeah, I, uh, see, you think this is...

It's hot under here.

One sec. Don't ever do this.

Now everybody has
a friggin' podcast nowadays.

How long can you talk about presents
and good kids and stuff like that?

Are you good? You look like my first wife.

You're just staring through my brain.

Excuse me, sweet angel!

Hey! There is no binging
when you're Santa Claus!

Looks like there is.

Out! Get outta here!

Just get out. Get outta here right now.

Wait. You want me to leave?

Well, this ain't Trivial Pursuit,

so I wouldn't take the Risk.

- Hmm?
- Mm.

What?

Like the board games!

I know what you mean,
but why would you say that to me?

I don't even know where you get a gun.

Get the fuck outta here! Go!

All right.

- Search that bag!
- All right.

My phone, Larry!

God damn it, Santa!

Here, little girl. You can have my bell.

Hi. Could you eat your ice cream
while you're not staring at me?

Thank you so much! Merry Christmas!

Hey, Four Eyes! Take your glasses off!

Okay, now there's nothing to see.

G-G-G-Go!

Okay! Nobody panic.

He probably just
pulled over the wrong car.

Uh, yeah, I doubt that,

considering you're in a stolen cop car
with a reindeer stashed on the roof.

Everybody, shut up!

Shut up! My mom's calling.

- Oh, tell her I said hi.
- I will not!

- Heyyy.
- Kimberly, where are you?

Uh, we're... we're at church.

What are those sirens?

Church sirens.

Church sirens are not a thing!

Hags is at the orphanage.
We need to go to the orphanage.

Step on it, Santa!

No, no, no. We gotta be super chill,
and then maybe he'll just go away.

Keep your hands where I can see them.

- Oh!
- Who's that?

That's a song!

Uh... Uh...

That's not a song!

Where did you learn this song?
In school?

Are you binging?

Because it is almost 9:00 p.m.,

and that owl is the cornerstone of the...

Wait, did she just say
it's nine o'clock?

It's time for the exploding ketamine.

- What's that?
- No, he wants to do it.

Please be honest with me

because I'm at the end of my rope!

No, I'm actually
gonna see you later. Bye.

Your lack of respect Boggles the mind!

That was a good one.

Ladies, ladies!

Everybody be super still and super quiet,

and then maybe
he'll just walk right past the car.

Everybody,
chain your robot that's broken.

Why are you guys acting insane?

It's legal to binge tonight.
Don't do it, Sarah!

- Don't!
- Don't!

See, it's... it's fine.

Fuck!

Oh-ho-ho!
It is Christmas officially! Woo!

Oh, my insides are burning!

As we descend into the night,

it will prove to be anything but bland.

With each generation
comes a new set of lore,

and we'll look to the future

to learn who we really are
right at our core.

And as another Christmas comes to pass,

I realize that there's
two types of people in this world,

Chutes and Ladders.

And this Christmas,
we're going up the ladder, baby!

Yeah! Yahtzee!

Ooh-hoo!
Oohhoo!

Is that Kimmi? She became the mayor?

And... And if this is the future,
why is everything in black and white?

Hey, stop asking questions.
I'm trying to hear this.

And I'd like to thank my husband,
the single best lover of my life.

Angel, come up here, baby.
She looks so beautiful.

Oh... Whoa-oh-oh! Whoa!

What the hell, man? You married Kimmi?

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

I am a very lucky man.
She is a wonderful woman!

I know she is!

Jesus, you're like
50 years older than her!

In the future, age doesn't matter.

What the hell does that mean?

Age is just the number of years
that you've been born!

Oh... I mean, yeah, that...
That... that is exactly what age means.

That's... You're correct.

But, come on, man!

You're supposed to be helping me,
and you married the love of my life?

This is a nightmare, okay?

If I ever did anything good for anybody,

could you please...
Could you take me there?

Could you show me one scenario

that was actually better off
with me in attendance?

Okay, okay. Let's go
to the Christmas dinner at your family's.

We were already there, Angel!

- Are you sure?
- Yes! It was a disaster!

I don't remember, but you're the boss.

But isn't there somebody special
from your past?

Yes, and you married her in the future!

Hey! Let's keep
my wonderful wife out of it, okay?

You know, you are really tough to please.

No wonder everybody hates you!

Fine. You know what?

I will no longer hurt my family
or anyone else in my life, okay?

How about you just take me back
to the hospital where I was born

and I put myself up for adoption?

That way, we erase
all of this from ever happening.

That sounds like a better idea
than whatever... this is!

Your wish!

Slap that tushy!

- Ooh!
- Oh! Ha-ha!

We're still here...
I'm still watching this, man!

I'm not done!

Hey, wake up. We're at the orphanage.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I think I sucked it down two pipe.

- Not possible.
- Hey. Two pipe, RIP.

So we gotta focus.
We gotta trick the shit out of this lady.

- What did you say your names were?
- I...

am... Dave...

id.

Letterman.

David... David Letterman.

And I am...

Pompano Mike.
Yep.

Well, being fully transparent here,

my first instinct is that
you're giving me fake names.

Oh. Oh.

I don't know why...

- Oh, that's awful.
- you'd accuse us of that.

The audacity!

Well, the time it took you
to say your names.

The looks that you gave each other
after you said each name.

Shoot.

And the names themselves
are pretty unbelievable.

Excuse me?
We would never do something like that!

- Honey...
- Hey, we are very honest people.

I'm sorry!
Mike-

- Okay, yeah.
See, all of this feels pretty suspect.

You are being
extremely rude and unprofessional,

and I don't know why
you would accuse someone of like this.

Can I have a word with you?

You should be ashamed.

Okay, I did not mean to offend. I just...

I don't know why you'd accuse us of...

Extremely rude!

Oh, my God! Christmas Eve is one
of the toughest nights at the orphanage

and our Santa never showed up.

And these kids, they...

You know what?

If you wanna give me $50
to start the application process,

I will give you the benefit of the doubt
and run one of your IDs.

There you go.
Oh, this is a balloon for the kids.

Put that in your butt.

I just need the ID, please.

- Uh, here's the cash.
- There you go.

And your... And your ID.

- Oh, uh...
- It's me.

I apologize, Mr. Letterman.

You're welcome.

Just one moment.
Just don't touch anything.

Don't you feel silly?

What? Wow!

That actually worked!
Yes. Yes!

Okay, okay, shh, shh, shh.
Guys, I'm gonna get the ring.

You guys go wait in the car.

I'm impressed. Really impressed, guys.
That was nuts!

- Okay. See you out there.
- Wow!

Guys, guys, shh.

You got this!

My God, I think she really bought it!
I did too.

You were amazing!

You kidding me? You were incredible!

I've never seen acting like that.
Oh, yeah.

And I've watched all CBS sitcoms.

Hey, let's get outta here
before we get arrested.

- Sounds good.
- Okay.

All right, everyone,
seems like Santa isn't coming this year.

But we're orphans,
so it should come as no surprise

that the adults around us have once again
neglected their responsibilities

at our expense.

But we're gonna have
an old-fashioned white elephant.

You pick a number,
and that person gets to choose a present.

We only steal when it's our turn.

Hey.

How you guys doin'?

Look, I don't mean to interrupt, okay?

I'm just here to get my present,
and I can be on my merry way.

You want that present?
You gotta sit down and play the game.

Okay, see,
I don't really have time to play a game

'cause I'm trying to propose.

So what's a little $20 say
that I can get this gift and then roll?

You think you can buy us with money?

Okay, look, here.
35 is the best I can do.

See, I just got fired
and I told you, I'm trying to propose!

I don't care about your personal life!

Now shut up and play.
If not, the door's right there.

Okay, watch your tone
'cause you getting mildly disrespectful!

All right, I'm gonna play the game
with all of you guys.

Calm your energy,
little Buddy The Elf, okay?

What are we doing?
We singing Christmas carols or something?

Are you high right now?

You guys are real quiet back there.
Are you all right?

Mr. Letterman?

It better be Santa!

We did it! Ahh!

Woo! We are here!

All right, come on!

Paul, we're paying you
to watch for bingers!

Okay, girls, let's go! Come on.

Hey, you're two hours late!

That is really messed up
to do to these kids, they're orphans!

I am only paying you half.

Where's the chimney?

No chimney.
We're going through the front door.

Will you put your beard on?

Is there a chimney
that goes through the door?

That doesn't make any sense.
We have to go.

Okay. Let's go!

Okay, look here, Tiny Tim.

Let's be reasonable. I made a fair trade!
No!

Look who I found!

Ho-ho-ho!

Merry Christmas!

That fucker took my white elephant!

Sammy, language! Get back here!

Security!
No need. I'm leaving.

I'm leaving!

Shit. Shit. Shit.

- Oops.
- God damn it. Get an ice pack!

Jesus!

You know, I think I'm leaving the K hole.

Yeah, I think maybe I feel normal now.

We're gonna find that fucker in here.

Wait, what the fuck?

What is happening?

I think we Freaky Friday'd.

No!

I don't want your voice!

What? Why?
What's wrong with my voice?

What's wrong with my voice?

That's me doing you as you.

It's not very pleasant.

Yahtzee!

Alexa... Alexa...
turn the Titilator to a 20.

Kimmi!

Excuse me!

That's the girl
that Hags is cheating on me with.

This guy got knocked out.
Can you help me?

Yeah, I'll help you.
Help you die, bitch.

What? I don't have time for this.

Oh, my God. Abort! She's gonna...

Oh, man, I'm doing this.
I'm really doing this.

Well, I'm not gonna lie,
I don't really remember the plan.

But I think
you're making the... the right choice.

Yeah.

Once I drop
my baby self over for adoption,

everyone's life will be much, much better.

Nature versus nurture.

Yeah, um, but before I do that,

do you have any more
of that golden powder?

No! You smoked it all,
you greedy bastard.

Oh, shit.

Andrew?

I think it's starting to wear off.

That's not good.

- Andrew?
- Who said that?

Andrew?

Baby didn't say it.

- Andrew?
- Hags?

- Bags? Who's Bags?
- Hags.

- Andrew?
- Hags?

Andrew,
what the fuck happened to your face?

And where'd you get that baby?

Where'd you get that baby?

You stole a baby?
Oh, you're going to prison.

I can't help you. Goodbye.

Who is that?

Thank God!

This guy tried
to steal presents from orphans.

And then, this guy with the long hair
stole a baby, I think.

- Stole a baby?
- I just...

We're here
because there's an escaped convict

somewhere in this place dressed as Santa.

Oh, my God! He's upstairs!

Take care of these guys.

Do... not... move.

Whose baby is that?

I can explain easily.

- He can explain.
- Yeah.

- I'm waitin'.
- It's actually pretty simple.

I went back in time
thanks to this guy named Angel

that I met under a bridge
after I got attacked by the Christmas Owl.

He showed me that my family's better off
without me in their lives.

So I went to the hospital,
stole my baby self,

and now I'm here
to set him up for adoption

so that, hopefully, I get a better life!

Fuckin' Binge.

Why, oh, why did they have
to put The Binge on Christmas?

I know!

What the hell is wrong with you?

You sucked it down pipe, didn't you?

Give me this. Stealing from the kids!
You should be ashamed of yourself.

I want the elves to build
the perfect family... for all of us.

And I'm sorry
I called that guy a fucker before.

I hope you don't hold it against me.

Sammy,
Santa doesn't hold grudges.

But that is a bad word,
and you shouldn't say it.

And it's hard not to.

Sometimes even Santa says it.

You know, the reindeer will bite me,

and I want to be like, "Whoa, you fucker!"

But I don't.

And I wish you and all the children
to find the perfect home.

And you can
if you just have faith, all right?

And right now, I'm gonna need all of you
to help save Christmas this year.

We need to go to a place

that is the heart
and the soul of Christmas.

Let's go to Winter Wonderland!

Yes! All right, let's go!

He's trying to steal the kids!

- They're gonna kill Santa!
- That's not Santa.

It's just a guy dressed up.

Tell the orphans.

Well, if I'm not Santa,
then how do I remember this?

Christmas 2006,

I went down your chimney,
and I left an iPod mini, a Nerf football,

and a lava lamp from Spencer's Gifts,
just like you wanted.

You left me a glass of almond milk
with an oatmeal cookie,

which I ate half of just to let you know
that I'd been there.

Your house was the epitome of Americana,

white picket fence
and two golden retrievers.

Wow.

I was raised in a shit-hole apartment
on 8th Avenue.

No pets.

And I'm Jewish.

- We're all Jewish.
- No, we're not.

It was... a firehouse.

That's where you lived, a firehouse.
All right, let's go.

You had 14 cats.

No pets. I told you.

He's not Santa.

He's made out of wood!

Flesh and bones.
You're under arrest. Let's go.

It's okay.

Whoa, I know you!

You're my future wife!

Oh!

Hi. Wondering if you had a baby stolen
from your hospital tonight?

Yeah. I know.

I don't know why they would
make The Binge on Christmas either.

I need that fucking owl.

Jesus Christ, Kimmi.
Give it up already. Who cares?

I care. I care, Sarah.

I've been doing everything
that you care about all night!

I'm literally at the orphanage
because you needed to find Hags.

- Who?
- Sarah, it's okay to be sad.

You guys dated for a long time.
Just let it out.

Kimmi, can you just give up the act
for like 30 seconds?

You've been saying shit
like you're my therapist,

and I've been tolerating it all night.

You're not a walk in the park either.

I mean, sometimes
I literally think you're, like, acting up

'cause you're jealous or something.

I'm jealous of you?

You're jealous of me
because I have a life

and I have new things to do
and new responsibilities,

and you're still out there
calling yourself a prom queen.

You do you, Kimmi.

And for your information,
I graduated eighth in my class

in online cosmetology school,

which you would know if you cared about
talking about anyone other than yourself.

Good luck finding your owl
and in all your future endeavors.

Right!

- They got 'em all. Dang it!
- Oh, man! Scooped 'em.

There's only one thing
we can do at this point,

good old-fashioned heist.

Ocean's Eleven style.

But there's only us. Oceans Two?

Hear me out here.

Remember that barbershop quartet
I was in?

- We Cut Hair and Sing?
- No, no.

That was the first one.
The one after that.

Big Old Pump
and the Tiny, Tiny Pom Poms?

Nope. You jumped two.
The one right in the middle.

Yellow Brick Road Scholars?

No, no, that was the last one.
The middle one.

- Oh! We Sing Songs?
- Yes. We Sing Songs.

So that's three more guys.
That gets us to Ocean's Five.

But wait, I heard Geppetto
swore off quartetting forever

for religious reasons.

Says that baritone is the devil's pitch.

- That's too bad.
- I know.

- He was quite a talent.
- He really was.

Okay, so without Geppetto, Ocean's Four?

Darn it. You know, you're right.

Any way you slice it,
we're never gonna get to Eleven.

No.

Well, I guess
we're gonna have to do this one solo.

And by solo, I mean me and you.

But when we work together,

you and me,

we can get through anything
life throws at us!

Ain't that right, baby?

You grew up on 8th Avenue.

It was a small apartment. No pets.

Yeah, I told you all that stuff
at the orphanage.

Yeah, I know. I'd already known that.

I was just having fun with you.

Sure.

I never delivered presents to you
'cause you were Jewish,

but your neighbors, Barbara and Henry,

they had a daughter named Patty,

and the family owned a bakery,

and they would leave me
really good cookies.

Yeah, they were a really nice family.

We'll be outta here, guys. Don't worry.

I didn't tell him any of those things.

If this motherfucker is really Santa,
that's on you.

Love you, Santa.

So you're just not gonna talk to me now?

- You hung up on me, man.
- I called you back.

- You did?
- Yes!

Oh, okay,
'cause I was in a dark place, okay?

I felt like my family
would be better off without me,

and I met this guy Angel

who actually showed me
what my family'd be like without me,

and, well, I was right.

No, Andrew, you were wrong.

Because I'm your family.

If I'd have known you were in trouble,

I would've dropped everything I was doing
to be by your side.

There's always room for family.

Dominic Toretto.

Fast Five.

All right, you each get a phone call.

Jailhouse Jesus, you're up first.

Pass.

You don't have
anyone to call on Christmas?

Well, anyone I'd call
is in this jail cell with me right now.

Wow. That's sad.

Pathetic, actually.

I have like 10 people
off the top of my head I could call,

20 probably.

Kayla, you got people
you could call, right?

Every damn day.

Every day,
she has friends she could call.

What about you?
You got someone you wanna call?

Yeah, you should call Sarah.

Uh... yeah.

Yeah, I'll... I'll take my call.

Of course, he's gonna make a call.
Everyone should.

- What a loser.
- Find friends.

I have no respect for people
who have no long-term relationships.

Sure no one will notice us here?

There's no way they could.

Here's the plan.

I'm gonna be responsible
for sneaking the guys out.

That means all you have to do
is hack into the mainframe

and shut down the cameras,
the security system,

and the locking mechanism to the cell.

From there, you're gonna
shadow ban yourself on the dark web.

- You're gonna be completely incognito.
- All right.

Then you're gonna go in,

reroute all the calls
in the local area 40 miles east,

sending the squad cars away.

- Mainframe.
- Yeah. Squad cars away.

Wait, you want me to do this?

Yeah, we don't have a full eleven,
so I allocated all the tech stuff to you.

Well, I don't know how
to do any of the stuff you just said.

Not even a simple vector decoy or...

- Just give me one sec.
- Yep.

- I got it.
- Nice.

I saw this episode of Cops once
where this guy did a shit ton of PCP.

He got hit by a monster truck,
didn't feel a thing!

You do a gentleman's dose,

get in there,
distract the shit out of 'em.

You'll be virtually invincible.

I'll get in and get the keys to the cell.

We're gonna make great parents one day.

- I love you.
- Love you too.

Okay.

So just a gentleman's amount.

Hi, I am...

Pompano Mike,

and I just had a question about
some people that you took in tonight.

Are you a relative
or legal guardian, Mike?

Uhhhh...

Look. Look at this.

Oh, my God! Are you seeing this?

Hey, sir. I'm gonna need you to stop it.

Oh, man! What's happening?

- Who is this guy?
- I think it's working.

Yeah, yeah, okay, we're good.

Another Merry Christmas call.

You have too many friends.

Pompano Mike,
what the hell are you doing here?

- Should we be concerned about this?
- To rescue you guys!

No. Not at all.

Ah! Cops! Take that!
All right.

Terminator 2.
Terminator 2. Terminator 2!

Come on, Terminator 2.

Ah, what the fuck?
They... They put away Santa? That's it!

- Ooh.
- Let me in there, pal.

Okay, okay.

Let me in there right now.

Those aren't real guns, guys.
He's not armed.

I am armed.

You don't wanna know
what these bullets feel like.

Hey, Santa, what's up?
Hi.

This is what you get
when you fuck with Santa!

- Now close it.
- You asked for this.

Close it up! That's good.

That's a good guy. That's a good guy.

There you go, partner.

All right, guys.
It's gonna take all of us this time.

Let's go!

Come on!

Woo!

Thank you, Diane.

We are here live at Winter Wonderland

where it appears that the Bingers
are staging a mutiny.

Mayor Spengler
has completely lost control.

Her request to keep this event Binge free
has only made people want to binge more.

It's funny how that works.

I pulled a cupcake off one of the trays
when I entered in here,

and now people's faces are starting
to melt and turn neon.

I guess it was laced with something.

Par for the course for The Binge,
I suppose.

And I guess that's par for the course
for The Binge, I suppose.

I'm sorry. Did I just say that,
or did I think that?

I don't know.

But I do know it's par for the course
for The Binge.

Fuckin' Binge.

Long live The Binge!

Now this is Christmas.

Got another one.

He was standing
in someone's living room,

pretending to be a ghost
and eating their food.

I love chicken wings.

Oh, my mother's golden brown...
Angel?

Anderooney!

Look what I got
from the orphanage!

Merry Bingemas!

Oh, fuck it.
It's already the worst Christmas ever.

Let's go.

Binge!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on.

Hold on. That wasn't all.

I killed a guy in St. Paul

and a few others
at a mall in Niagara Falls. Oh, and...

Angel, I don't think you should
be incriminating yourself like this.

Oh, I thought
this song was a safe space.

I was... kidding?

Good God!

Fellas, take it from the top.

No, no, no. No. Good news, folks.

We don't normally have
our holding tank full

of a bunch of singing people
on Christmas Eve.

And if this many people
are trying to bail you out,

then you must be something pretty special.

Come on in, family.

- Ah!
- Shit. Mom?

Which one do you
messed with my kid, huh? Which one?

Dads?

Your boy Hags called us.
Been looking for you all night, man!

- Wait, you have?
- Yeah.

You used your one call for me, Hags?

Yeah, man, of course!
What would Diesel do?

Wow.

You're the spice of our family, Andrew.

You're the testicles in the tomato soup.

We need you, Andrew. We need you.

I was being a selfish piece of shit.

And I don't care whose sperm
Rube Goldberg'd with another sperm

to fertilize an egg that ultimately led
to two vastly different twins.

You'll always be a part of me.

I wouldn't trade you
for all the Titcoin in the world.

Titcoin.

Wow. I've never heard you
say something like that to me.

That's, uh...

That's amazing!

And Dakota, you too?

I only came 'cause I like car rides.

Appreciate that. Thank you.

Well, it's a Christmas miracle.

I love my family.

I love my family!

I love my family!

Angel, I get it now.

- Have we met?
- Yes, we have met!

We went through a whole...

I understand what you were trying
to teach me this whole time.

You do?

You were trying to teach me

I actually have the ability
to make my own future.

Oh, yeah. That was the lesson.

- Hey, right on.
- Hey, right on!

All right, guys,
what do you say, we, uh...

say fuck it,
hit the Winter Wonderland, right?

Reunite my mom with that weird-ass dude
that was at our dinner,

and I tell Kimmi I love her
for the first time.

Move out the way.
Enough of this sappy stuff.

Please slide over if you want 'em free.

Thank you, ma'am.

Come on.
All right.

So, I... It's okay if we... Okay.

Come on, baby.

- And you might want this.
- Thank you.

- Come on, Terminator 2.
- Terminator 2.

This is great.

Hey, I don't know if you're Santa,

but if you are,
can you look after my grandkids?

Tracy and Jamal. They're adorable.

Yeah, for sure.

All right! Let's go feed the...

- Mm-mm.
- Not you.

Hey, what happened
to all that Christmas spirit,

and redemption, and cheer?

What happened
is we ran your fingerprints,

and you're wanted in 11 states
for a couple dozen murders.

You're never gonna see
the light of day again.

Stop singing.
No one wants to hear you sing again.

- Ah, ah, ah!
- Back, back, back.

Get your ass back in there!

All right,
we gotta get to the orphanage.

We gotta show the kids
what Christmas is all about.

Do you have any presents or treats
or, like, candy canes or anything?

How about this for the kids?

Oh, hell. We'll allow it.

It's a Christmas Binge. Nothing matters.

Christmas is saved!

Love to stay for the family reunion,
but I'm gonna go propose!

- Yeah!
- All right!

- I'm gonna propose!
- All right!

Okay. Love you all!

Stop! Stop it!

Oh, god damn it!

Stop! No!

Everyone, get out of here!
What are you doing?

What's wrong with you?

Oh, no, no!
Get out! Everyone get out!

No, no, no!

When did you do this?

When did you switch out
all the music and the lights?

Christmas is not about this!
It's about family!

Where's your family?

Where's my family?

Uncle Kris! What are you doing here?

Candy!

That's not candy!

Christmas dust!

God bless us, everyone!

This Christmas dust makes me
wanna start a small business.

It seems that the mayor's brother,
who was a felon who is dressed as Santa,

is throwing drugs
to the Winter Wonderland attendees,

young and old.

What did you say?
That's not my brother.

That's just a fake Santa,
and they all look the same.

That's my sister, the mayor!

Mom?

Oh, my goodness!

It looks like the mayor's daughter,
and she's all scratched up.

Kimmi? It's me!

The mayor has acknowledged the child,

and now the child has acknowledged
the mayor.

This is definitely the mayor's daughter.

So? So? So what?

Everyone's having a great time here
except for the mayor.

Church sirens are ringing
and everyone is singing...

- That's not a thing!
- "Keep your hands up for Christmas."

- No! God damn it!
- Keep your hands up for Christmas!

Put your hands down!

It's not a song!

A church doesn't have a siren!

Sarah!

Sarah!

Sarah!

- Oh! Hags!
- What the hell?

I'm glad you came back!

I've been thinking about your dinner joke!

You're a lunatic! Where's your niece?

Sarah, please! Sarah!

Come on, Sarah!

It's some kind of a meta-commentary

on the way
we consume meat in this country.

- Did you just run to another room?
- Yeah.

It's weird, bro! Really weird!

Hags! Go away. Go home!

No, don't... don't do
the fucking card thing.

You spelled my name wrong, Hags.
You put two As.

How drunk were you when you wrote these?

Why is that house smoking a cigarette?
What?

Okay, that's not what I meant to say.

Right, this is the one though.

This is what I've been wanting
to say to you the entire night, Sarah.

Damn, I really was high and drunk
when I wrote these.

Sarah, I just need you to listen to me.

I don't wanna listen to you.

I don't wanna see you,
and you clearly don't wanna see me.

You've been acting crazy.

I'm acting crazy
because I was scared, Sarah.

I thought because we were growing older

that our relationship
wouldn't be able to work anymore.

Well, maybe it doesn't.

No, Sarah.
See, that's what I learned tonight.

The love and the beauty of life
doesn't just die because you get older.

It gets better.

Because you get to share those moments
with the people you love the most.

So you really weren't having
an affair with the orphanage lady?

Hell, no!
I would never cheat on you. I love you!

And do you know how terrified I am of you?

Yeah, I do.

I love you more and more
every single day.

Hags.

You will always be the prom queen to me.

Sarah Martin, will you marry me?

What? Are you serious?

I've never been more serious
about anything my entire life.

Yes!

Yeah? Yeah?

I had, literally, no idea.

Oh, my God. Which one did you get?

Did you get the one
from my fucking vision board?

- What? What?
- What?

What the fuck is this, Hags?

What the fuck?

Aw, damn! Damn! Damn!

I lost your grandmom's ring!

What'd you say, bitch?

Sarah, your grandmom can control this?

No, no, no.
Watch out, watch out! Watch out!

My ice sculpture!

Kris, what are you doing here?

I'm here to see my sister.

I can't spend
another Christmas without my family!

I understand that, but you were
about to get out in, like, two weeks,

so now you're gonna
be in there for a lot longer.

You know what?

I don't care!

'Cause I'm here now
with my family at Winter Wonderland

like it used to be, remember?

And now we're back just like normal.

- Just like normal.
- Yeah.

Oh, shit! I think we Freaky Friday'd.

Are you all right?

Are you okay?

I'm better than I've been
in a very long time.

Guys, my brother
might be a little bit odd.

Yeah, he's insanely weird.

Well, but he's still my brother,

and he made me realize
that my family's not perfect.

But no family is.

But my brother,
he busted his ass outta jail

to be here with us tonight, okay?

And if that's not the true meaning
of this fucking holiday,

then I don't know what is!

A wise woman once said,

"You can have a Monopoly on Christmas,

but without family,
your life will be a real Twister."

Who said that?

I did.

Horrible quote.

Shoot him.

I seriously need you to stop
asking me to shoot people, Mayor.

No, no, no, not mayor.
Nope, not anymore.

I've spent too many years
of my life being mayor.

I am just a normal
everyday mother and sister

asking you to shoot that man dead

because I hereby announce
that I'm dropping out of the race.

That's right.
And my final act as your mayor

is pardoning my brother.

Now someone get me a goddamn drink
'cause it's been a terrible night.

Yes, thank you!

Christmas Owl!

Okay. All right.

It's you and me, you son of a bitch.

You got one chance.

You better make it good.

We knew it was gonna end up like this,
didn't we, buddy?

Me and you, woman versus bird!

Come on, come on!

It's beautiful.

It's beautiful!

It's a Christmas miracle!

The owl returned
because the mayor learned her lesson!

It is a Christmas miracle!

Everything worked out
just as it was supposed to.

Would you like to reclaim your throne?

Yes, I would.
And also, can you really pardon me?

Oh, oh, not a chance in hell.

So after Christmas,
you should probably flee the country.

- Oh, okay.
- Okay.

- Yeah, that sounds cool.
- Okay.

Okay. Everybody, USA!

All right, kids! Santa's here!

Hey, Sammy, how are you, bud?

All right.

Here, let me give you a gift.

Thank you, Santa. Thank you.

Fourteen centuries of tradition,

priceless ring etched in lava!

You son of a bitch!
I wanted a Rubik's cube!

Hey, Sammy. I know what you really want,
and it's not in that bag.

You want a family of your own,
and guess what?

They're right over there.

Five, six, seven, eight, nine kids.

Plus the two of us!

Baby, we finally got
our very own Ocean's Eleven.

We'll take 'em all.

That's, literally,
never going to happen.

Well, we've already started
naming them, so.

We sure have.

- Chandler, Phoebe.
- Professor X, Scion.

- Mitsubishi.
- JNCO Jeans.

They already have names!
They're like 12.

- Things were said tonight that I really...
- Deidre, Deidre, no, just...

- Please.
- No, no.

- , my.
- What?

What is... What the fuck are you doing?
You are the best thing.

Are you proposing?

I am not getting married again!

Hey, don't you talk to me like that!

From now on, I am the one

that is doing the yelling!

- Really?
- Really!

I'll take your ass to Maury!

- I love you, Craig!
- Merry fucking Christmas!

- Your family's pretty crazy.
- Yours is too.

- Fucking Christmas Owl.
- Fucking Christmas Owl.

Um, do you wanna be my plus one?

Your plus one?

Hags proposed to Sarah.

Holy shit. He really did it.

Did you know that every time a bell rings,

Angel gets his wings?

Got a Christmas delivery for ya.

Bah!

I will tase you.

Dear Angel,
used your mom's secret recipe.

Glad you finally got your wings.
Love, Santa. Ho!

I'll be damned.

Almost makes going to jail
for killing 26 people worth it.

And so another Binge has come and gone.

Old family fences were mended.

New family bonds were erected.

And for the first time ever,

drugs were not only taken
but embraced at the dinner table.

So make sure however you celebrate
the holidays this season,

you aren't afraid
to add a little bit of love,

a lotta bit of laughs,

and just a sprinkling of methamphetamines.

Merry Bingemas, everybody!

♪ There's ashes on the ground ♪

Well, I mean,
that's why I'm investing in Titcoin.

You know, you gotta.

I mean, I was in the...
Oh, shit, we're on? Shit!

And with that,
another Binge comes to a close.

We laughed. We cried.

I did peyote,
I ate three lemons with the rinds on,

and I wrestled a snowman.

Truly, a poetic night.

What a great Christmas!

Your camera person left hours ago.

Okay, I don't talk to coyotes.

You're talking to a nutcracker!

Okay,
thank you, ma'am. I'm live.

I'm Soup Anderson,
signing off with Channel 7 News.

Good night and good luck.

And I hope you get a good fuck.

How's that?
I added it just for fun.