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1
00:00:25,901 --> 00:00:28,195
-Action.
-Design.
2
00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:10,320
- Another one?
3
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:14,324
Well, I'm still vertical,
so I'd like to change that.
4
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:25,585
Ho, ho.
5
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:29,339
Bitter. Pint.
6
00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:32,134
You just get off?
7
00:01:37,222 --> 00:01:39,141
I'm taking a break.
8
00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:41,310
Between shifts,
I guess you could say.
9
00:01:41,310 --> 00:01:42,894
- Hmm.
- You ain't driving, are you?
10
00:01:42,894 --> 00:01:45,939
I steer a little, but the
reindeer do most of the work.
11
00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:50,277
Mm-hmm.
12
00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:52,487
This is my, uh,
fourth year as a Santa.
13
00:01:52,487 --> 00:01:53,780
Ah.
14
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:55,032
How about you?
15
00:01:55,032 --> 00:01:57,117
Lost count.
16
00:01:57,117 --> 00:02:00,287
I forget why I started doing it
in the first place.
17
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:03,582
Same reason anybody
does anything.
18
00:02:03,582 --> 00:02:05,375
The money.
19
00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:08,045
Money. Money.
20
00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:10,047
This whole planet runs on greed.
21
00:02:14,718 --> 00:02:17,179
It's the look on
the kiddies' faces, innit?
22
00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:18,805
That's what does it for me.
23
00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:22,476
- Ah, the look. Yeah, that look.
24
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,686
Lasts about two seconds.
25
00:02:24,686 --> 00:02:27,105
As soon as they're finished
unwrapping,
26
00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:29,566
they want the next present,
27
00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:32,319
they want the next cool thing.
28
00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:34,321
That's how this world works.
29
00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:36,365
And kids--
what kids have become.
30
00:02:36,365 --> 00:02:40,535
They're just like
little junkies.
31
00:02:40,535 --> 00:02:43,205
They're little shits.
They just demand.
32
00:02:43,205 --> 00:02:44,748
They don't believe.
33
00:02:44,748 --> 00:02:48,460
They just want, crave, consume.
34
00:02:53,465 --> 00:02:55,967
Maybe this is my last year.
35
00:02:58,053 --> 00:03:00,222
The last Christmas.
36
00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:07,312
Well, I can't stand seeing
another Santa in distress.
37
00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:10,107
Put his drinks on my tab.
38
00:03:10,107 --> 00:03:11,566
- Okay?
- Yeah.
39
00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:14,194
Oh, very merry of you. Okay.
40
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:16,613
I better get going.
41
00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:18,824
Presents aren't gonna
deliver themselves.
42
00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:21,868
Oh, uh...
43
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:23,745
For your grandson.
Save me a trip.
44
00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:25,789
It's, uh, that new video game.
45
00:03:25,789 --> 00:03:28,500
It's Astro Blaster,
Blaster Astro.
46
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:30,502
I-I don't know.
47
00:03:30,502 --> 00:03:31,878
Merry Christmas.
48
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:34,381
How'd he know
my grandson's name?
49
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:37,592
- How'd he know I have
a grandson? -
50
00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:41,888
Oi! That door leads to the roof.
51
00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:43,223
Piss head.
52
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,767
Go easy on him. It's Christmas.
53
00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:51,314
Hey! You can't be up here.
54
00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:54,985
If you break your neck,
I'm the one...
55
00:04:14,838 --> 00:04:17,257
My God.
56
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,097
It's...
57
00:04:26,141 --> 00:04:27,601
...beauti...
58
00:05:14,439 --> 00:05:16,650
Hi. Hi, hi, hi.
59
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,985
There she is. Hello, muffin.
60
00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:22,322
Let's go see Grandma.
61
00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:25,492
Ooh.
62
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:27,744
Merry Christmas.
63
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,665
Merry Christmas, Trudy.
64
00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:32,749
Merry...
65
00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:34,501
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!
66
00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:37,921
Merry Christmas, Daddy,
ya filthy animal.
67
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,508
She got to stay up late
and watch Home Alone.
68
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:42,592
Uh-huh.
69
00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:45,512
It was so funny.
70
00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:47,973
- Yep.
- That... that hurts.
71
00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:49,516
- All morning.
- Okay, um...
72
00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:51,560
Thank you.
73
00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:54,479
For doing this.
74
00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:56,690
I'm not doing it for you.
75
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,485
- It's Christmas!
- Yeah!
76
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,381
Merry Christmas, Al.
77
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,216
Hi, Linda. Merry Christmas.
78
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:25,260
- Mr. Lightstone.
- Hey, Al.
79
00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:26,636
Hey, you back there, Tru?
80
00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:28,388
Yeah, I bet you're excited
for Christmas.
81
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,098
What did you ask Santa for?
82
00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:31,850
- Not to work on Christmas Eve.
83
00:06:31,850 --> 00:06:33,435
Must've been naughty this year,
84
00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:35,061
-'cause here I am.
- Mm-hmm.
85
00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:37,063
Just make sure you let Santa
through the gates later, Al.
86
00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:38,607
- Yeah.
- Have a merry one, now.
87
00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:40,609
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, Al.
88
00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:42,652
Merry Christmas, Tru.
89
00:06:42,652 --> 00:06:44,195
-Thank you, Al.
- Yeah.
90
00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:09,763
I can't remember
where the second one is.
91
00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:14,934
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
92
00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:16,686
Merry Christmas.
93
00:07:16,686 --> 00:07:18,772
Hope you're on the nice list.
94
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:21,524
That doesn't go over there.
95
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:30,909
Excuse me.
96
00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:36,956
What the hell is this?
97
00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:39,334
You are the worst
catering company on the planet.
98
00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:41,336
It's lengthwise, not width.
99
00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:43,213
Unbelievable.
100
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:00,814
Okay.
101
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:03,024
Hi. Hi, guys. Merry Christmas.
102
00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:04,984
- Hi.
- I'm fine. Thank you so much.
103
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:11,574
I'll never get over the fact
that you grew up like this.
104
00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:15,161
My therapist says
I'll never get over it, either.
105
00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:17,372
I need a drink.
106
00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:25,171
- Hey, look at that.
107
00:08:34,139 --> 00:08:35,932
Hi, Linda.
108
00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:37,976
- Hey.
- How's it going, Alva?
109
00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:39,894
Mm-hmm. You gained weight.
110
00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:42,772
- Looks good on you, though.
111
00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:44,691
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
112
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,401
'Sup, limp dick?
113
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,529
I got great feelings
about this Christmas.
114
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:51,698
- You want to know why?
- Yeah.
115
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,700
'Cause I think this is the year
116
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:55,493
that Mom's gonna
kick herself upstairs
117
00:08:55,493 --> 00:08:58,204
and choose one of us
to start running the show.
118
00:08:58,204 --> 00:09:02,709
And I got to tell you, Jason,
that I'm gunning for your ass.
119
00:09:04,127 --> 00:09:05,920
What would a Lightstone
family Christmas be
120
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:07,714
without groveling
and infighting?
121
00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:10,759
Your rosé, ma'am.
122
00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:13,511
Honey, smile. It's Christmas.
123
00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:14,637
Mm.
124
00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:16,222
Good. Good girl.
125
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:21,728
I am sorry about my sister.
126
00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:29,569
It is really nice to see you.
127
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:33,698
To have you here.
128
00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:40,413
Okay, I'm behind. Catch me up
on all the hot goss.
129
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,248
Hot goss. Okay.
130
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:46,044
Um, well, you remember Bert,
my sister's pride and joy.
131
00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:49,881
Yo, yo, yo.
This is the Bert Locker
132
00:09:49,881 --> 00:09:53,760
living that bling life
on Christmas Eve.
133
00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:56,763
Hashtag "blessed."
134
00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:59,307
He just got
what I can only assume
135
00:09:59,307 --> 00:10:02,602
will be his first of many
sexual harassment accusations.
136
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,270
Mom paid off the school,
137
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:06,439
and now the gymnasium
is named after us.
138
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:08,441
Of course she did.
139
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:09,567
What about Tragic Mike?
140
00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:11,361
All I'm saying is,
141
00:10:11,361 --> 00:10:13,029
if I was on one of those planes,
142
00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:15,031
9/11 would've ended
with a bunch of terrorists
143
00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:18,785
skydiving over Connecticut
without their parachutes.
144
00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:20,829
-Yeah. You like that?
- Yes. Yes.
145
00:10:20,829 --> 00:10:23,039
- Yeah, I do like it.
- Ooh.
146
00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:25,458
- Kiss me in front of my son.
- Now, huh?
147
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:28,002
- Mm...
148
00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:30,046
He might actually be
a decent actor.
149
00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:32,131
- Hmm. -He's been doing
an Oscar-worthy job
150
00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:34,717
- of pretending to find
my sister appealing. -
151
00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:37,220
Now he wants Mom
to fund a film for him.
152
00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:42,141
- It's Gertrude!
- It's Mom.
153
00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:44,185
- Okay, let's do this.
- Okay, okay. Come on.
154
00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:45,895
- Come on. Bert, get over here.
- No. Mom. Mom!
155
00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:47,146
- Positions.
- Game time, buddy.
156
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:48,982
- Okay. Okay.
- This is my good side.
157
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:50,775
We've gone over this! Come on!
158
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:51,901
Gosh. Okay.
159
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:53,069
Bert, get in the middle.
160
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:54,320
So it begins.
161
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,447
Seriously, come.
You know what that means.
162
00:10:56,447 --> 00:10:58,533
Shall we jockey forward?
163
00:10:58,533 --> 00:11:00,285
No.
164
00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:04,038
No, we can hang back.
165
00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:05,498
Yeah.
166
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:07,125
Trudy, honey?
167
00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,086
Come on over here.
168
00:11:11,546 --> 00:11:13,715
Just, like...
169
00:11:13,715 --> 00:11:15,508
Threaten 'em or bribe 'em.
170
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:16,801
This isn't rocket science.
171
00:11:16,801 --> 00:11:18,344
Same shit we always do.
172
00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:21,180
That's what?
173
00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:23,641
That's the best you can do?
174
00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:25,518
Excited to see your grandma?
175
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:26,853
Listen, you cocksucker.
176
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:28,813
It's Christmas,
so why don't you take
177
00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:30,732
your best offer, gift wrap it,
178
00:11:30,732 --> 00:11:33,693
and ram it up your fucking box.
179
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:37,363
Maybe you don't
realize who I am.
180
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:38,948
Those were Grandma words.
You know, forget them.
181
00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:40,783
Oh, boy.
Look at Mr. Cool back here.
182
00:11:40,783 --> 00:11:43,036
Yeah, what's your angle, man?
Hmm?
183
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:45,663
No angle.
I'm not doing anything.
184
00:11:45,663 --> 00:11:47,123
Oh, yeah.
185
00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:48,708
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no. No!
186
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:51,753
Don't shit in my mouth
and tell me it's chocolate cake.
187
00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,046
Grandma's cool.
188
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:55,340
I can make that story go away...
189
00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:57,050
I think your brother's
up to something.
190
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,843
No, I just decided
to let you guys
191
00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:00,720
have all the fun
sucking up to Mom today.
192
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,514
Please. You are King Suck-up.
193
00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:05,558
You named your kid Gertrude.
194
00:12:06,935 --> 00:12:09,228
Alva, you named
your son Bertrude.
195
00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:11,230
Okay.
196
00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:12,941
Sorry, Bert,
but that's not a real name.
197
00:12:12,941 --> 00:12:15,777
Sorry, Linda. We can't all be
lucky enough to have daughters.
198
00:12:15,777 --> 00:12:17,779
Mom, I can hear you.
199
00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:21,491
You know something we don't.
What is it?
200
00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:22,951
No, I don't. I don't.
201
00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:24,202
I got it. Bingo.
202
00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:25,620
I'm onto you, man. Come on!
203
00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:27,246
- We were just...
- Come on,
204
00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:28,498
come on, come on, come on.
205
00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:30,792
- You big sack of shit.
- Ooh.
206
00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:32,627
No wonder your husband left you.
207
00:12:32,627 --> 00:12:34,879
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
208
00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:38,257
Merry Christmas to you, too,
Senator.
209
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,885
- Merry Christmas, Mommy.
- Merry Christmas.
210
00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:43,763
Merry Christmas.
211
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:46,516
Why in the hell are you standing
all the way back there?
212
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,352
Merry Christmas, Grandma!
213
00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:51,437
- Aw.
- Little bitch.
214
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:53,982
Little Gertrude. And how is
my favorite granddaughter?
215
00:12:53,982 --> 00:12:56,526
Everybody calls me Trudy now.
216
00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:58,194
Trudy?
217
00:12:59,529 --> 00:13:01,656
- Well, that makes her
sound like a whore. -Okay.
218
00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:04,409
Oh, she doesn't even know
the meaning of the word.
219
00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:06,744
I'm starving. Let's eat.
220
00:13:06,744 --> 00:13:08,204
Great.
221
00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:10,707
And, Mom, I think Gertrude
is a beautiful name.
222
00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:13,001
Mm-hmm.
I only call her Gertrude.
223
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:14,293
- Merry Christmas, Gertrude.
- Come on, Bertrude.
224
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:22,028
Another fucking Christmas.
225
00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:27,116
I made these all by myself.
226
00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:28,701
- No way.
- Mm-hmm.
227
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,870
I even made one
that looks exactly like Santa.
228
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:33,372
- Exactly.
- Yeah.
229
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:35,750
Santa gets a candy cane, too?
230
00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:37,001
Yeah.
231
00:14:37,001 --> 00:14:38,503
Mm, okay.
232
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,547
It's perfect.
233
00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:43,216
No peeking.
234
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:45,676
This house has so many chimneys.
235
00:14:47,178 --> 00:14:49,222
How will Santa know
which one to come down?
236
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:51,099
Oh, Santa just knows.
237
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:52,892
Christmas magic.
238
00:14:55,853 --> 00:14:57,563
Honey, what's wrong?
239
00:14:57,563 --> 00:15:01,067
Daddy never took me to see
Santa at the mall this year.
240
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:04,070
He didn't.
241
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:08,449
I am so sorry.
242
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:12,203
This year has been weird.
243
00:15:12,203 --> 00:15:15,915
I never got to tell Santa
what I wanted for Christmas.
244
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:18,417
Oh, honey. Come here.
245
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:24,715
You know what?
246
00:15:24,715 --> 00:15:28,928
You go put your pj's on,
247
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:32,014
and I will be two minutes.
248
00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:40,106
Yes!
249
00:15:41,566 --> 00:15:43,985
Okay...
250
00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:53,619
Yes.
251
00:15:57,456 --> 00:15:59,292
Yes!
252
00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:05,173
Because you have been so good
to me and Mommy this year,
253
00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:09,135
we decided that
you could have one gift...
254
00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:11,012
early!
255
00:16:11,012 --> 00:16:13,472
- Really?
256
00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:19,604
What is it?
257
00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:25,109
That is a very special
walkie-talkie.
258
00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:26,652
It's magic.
259
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:27,945
- Magic?
- Mm-hmm.
260
00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:30,156
What you got right there
261
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:32,533
is a direct hotline
to Santa Claus himself.
262
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:35,286
- I can talk to Santa?
- Oh, yeah.
263
00:16:35,286 --> 00:16:39,123
It's just like writing him
a letter... but better.
264
00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:40,249
Mm-hmm.
265
00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:43,044
Now, the only thing is,
266
00:16:43,044 --> 00:16:45,421
he might not have time
to answer you.
267
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:47,465
He's delivering a lot
of presents tonight.
268
00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:48,799
Mm-hmm.
269
00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:51,385
But he'll hear everything
you want to say to him.
270
00:16:57,850 --> 00:16:59,685
Hello, Santa?
271
00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:03,147
This is Trudy Lightstone.
272
00:17:03,147 --> 00:17:05,191
I hope you're having
a nice night.
273
00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:07,360
Mm.
274
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:12,114
It's really cold tonight,
so don't forget your mittens.
275
00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:16,244
So, I wanted to tell you, Santa,
276
00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:18,037
I was extra good this year,
277
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:22,208
so I wrote a big list for you
with all the stuff I wanted.
278
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:25,419
But then...
279
00:17:25,419 --> 00:17:28,839
then I realized
I don't need any of that.
280
00:17:29,757 --> 00:17:33,469
I really only want
one present for Christmas.
281
00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:38,808
I want Mommy and Daddy
to make up
282
00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:41,227
so we can be a family again.
283
00:17:42,436 --> 00:17:44,105
Okay.
284
00:17:44,105 --> 00:17:46,274
Good night, Santa.
285
00:17:47,441 --> 00:17:49,568
Good night, Mr. Bunny.
286
00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:03,749
Which one of you did that?
287
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,419
You can't go two seconds without
288
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:08,254
crapping on the roof
like a bunch of pigeons?
289
00:18:09,964 --> 00:18:13,092
So unprofessional.
290
00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:18,389
You know, Rudolph
will never do this crap.
291
00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:33,279
Hmm.
292
00:18:37,575 --> 00:18:39,368
Mmm.
293
00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:48,294
Mmm, mmm.
294
00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:51,630
Homemade.
295
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,007
Mmm.
296
00:18:56,844 --> 00:18:58,846
Ugh.
297
00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:00,431
Skim.
298
00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:12,276
Oh, yeah.
299
00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:14,403
That's the stuff.
300
00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:20,743
Mmm.
301
00:19:21,744 --> 00:19:23,496
DuBoi...
302
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:26,499
- On some prewar shit
right there. -
303
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:28,918
- Good shit.
304
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,181
Mmm.
305
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:43,849
That pairs well.
306
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:46,519
What do we have here?
307
00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:04,453
Oh, yeah.
308
00:20:04,453 --> 00:20:06,539
That's the stuff.
309
00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:18,551
- You know, uh...
310
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:21,554
Christmas is all right,
311
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:25,224
but you Americans don't
celebrate my favorite holiday.
312
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,893
Oh, yeah? What?
313
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:29,520
Boxing Day.
314
00:21:02,761 --> 00:21:04,430
Yo, yo. B. Lightstone here,
315
00:21:04,430 --> 00:21:06,223
live streaming the dream,
you know.
316
00:21:06,223 --> 00:21:08,767
They say the richest man...
317
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:11,562
Say goodbye.
318
00:21:11,562 --> 00:21:13,522
And if you...
319
00:21:14,690 --> 00:21:17,693
Grandma! Your Wi-Fi sucks dick.
320
00:21:17,693 --> 00:21:19,361
Damn it!
321
00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:21,947
When he was small,
I begged you to beat him.
322
00:21:39,423 --> 00:21:41,425
Hey. Merry Christmas.
323
00:21:41,425 --> 00:21:43,093
Or should I say
"happy holidays" now?
324
00:21:43,093 --> 00:21:45,137
Right? I mean, it's like,
people, make up your minds.
325
00:21:45,137 --> 00:21:47,389
- You know what I'm saying?
- Can I help you?
326
00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:49,350
Oh, yeah. I sure hope so.
See, uh,
327
00:21:49,350 --> 00:21:50,976
my car broke down
a little ways...
328
00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:52,811
Out here?
This is a private road.
329
00:21:52,811 --> 00:21:54,813
You're telling me.
330
00:21:54,813 --> 00:21:57,107
It's the first place
I've seen for miles.
331
00:21:57,107 --> 00:21:58,400
I think I got frostbite.
332
00:21:58,400 --> 00:21:59,735
Where the hell am I, anyway?
333
00:21:59,735 --> 00:22:01,487
G.T. Lightstone family compound.
334
00:22:01,487 --> 00:22:03,322
I'll call you a tow.
335
00:22:12,373 --> 00:22:14,375
All right, revelers.
336
00:22:14,375 --> 00:22:16,168
Time to steal Christmas.
337
00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:17,419
Sound off.
338
00:22:17,419 --> 00:22:19,004
Jingle. Check.
339
00:22:19,004 --> 00:22:20,589
Peppermint. Check.
340
00:22:20,589 --> 00:22:22,174
Sugarplum. Check.
341
00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:25,135
Krampus. Ready to fuck shit up.
342
00:22:25,135 --> 00:22:26,929
Candy Cane. Check.
343
00:22:26,929 --> 00:22:29,557
- Go for Frosty.
- Go for Tinsel.
344
00:22:29,557 --> 00:22:31,267
Go for Gingerbread.
345
00:22:31,267 --> 00:22:34,228
Are we gonna use these stupid
code names all night?
346
00:22:34,228 --> 00:22:35,729
'Tis the season.
347
00:22:35,729 --> 00:22:39,525
Welcome to your worst
Christmas ever.
348
00:22:39,525 --> 00:22:42,903
Trudy loves seeing Santa
at the mall.
349
00:22:43,737 --> 00:22:45,531
She loves going with her father.
350
00:22:45,531 --> 00:22:47,199
And you should've
taken her yesterday,
351
00:22:47,199 --> 00:22:48,576
like you do every Christmas,
352
00:22:48,576 --> 00:22:50,286
but we didn't even
hear from you.
353
00:22:50,286 --> 00:22:51,620
Mom put me on a special project.
354
00:22:51,620 --> 00:22:53,038
- It's complicated.
- But it's not,
355
00:22:53,038 --> 00:22:55,124
because it keeps happening
over and over.
356
00:22:55,124 --> 00:22:57,710
- Your mother forcing herself
between us. -You're right.
357
00:23:02,298 --> 00:23:04,675
What if we could give Trudy
her Christmas wish?
358
00:23:04,675 --> 00:23:06,760
You're trying to win me back
359
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:09,430
with a romantic weekend
at your mother's?
360
00:23:09,430 --> 00:23:12,766
What if things
really changed this time?
361
00:23:14,518 --> 00:23:16,979
We got out from under
my mother's thumb.
362
00:23:16,979 --> 00:23:18,772
We'll walk away.
363
00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:21,483
From the company, the family.
364
00:23:24,194 --> 00:23:25,821
Tonight.
365
00:23:26,614 --> 00:23:28,157
What are you up to?
366
00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:14,745
Let's go.
367
00:24:14,745 --> 00:24:17,247
We need to get you out of here.
368
00:24:17,247 --> 00:24:18,999
Mommy, where are you going?
369
00:24:18,999 --> 00:24:20,793
- She's going for the panic room!
- What?
370
00:24:20,793 --> 00:24:22,127
- Yes. Go, Bertrude.
- Without us?
371
00:24:28,092 --> 00:24:30,135
Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck.
372
00:24:51,824 --> 00:24:53,784
There isn't room for all of us.
373
00:24:53,784 --> 00:24:55,536
She can fit at least two of us.
Mom, take me.
374
00:24:55,536 --> 00:24:57,496
- Mom!
- Oh. Yeah.
375
00:24:57,496 --> 00:24:59,123
M-Mom, can Bert come, too?
376
00:25:01,792 --> 00:25:03,043
Okay. Move it or lose it, son.
377
00:25:03,043 --> 00:25:04,753
- Move it!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
378
00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:06,880
You're supposed to protect us.
379
00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:08,549
We protect the primary asset.
380
00:25:12,511 --> 00:25:13,721
Who the hell are you?
381
00:25:13,721 --> 00:25:16,682
You can call me Mr. Scrooge.
382
00:25:17,433 --> 00:25:18,851
Hilarious.
383
00:25:18,851 --> 00:25:20,185
Get him.
384
00:25:28,736 --> 00:25:31,155
Bah humbug, motherfucker.
385
00:25:40,539 --> 00:25:42,791
Hey. Step aside.
386
00:25:44,042 --> 00:25:46,545
Tinsel, Peppermint,
sweep upstairs.
387
00:25:46,545 --> 00:25:48,756
I want all the Lightstones
together.
388
00:25:49,548 --> 00:25:51,258
Kill anybody else you find.
389
00:26:01,435 --> 00:26:04,229
Fuck. Fuck, fuck.
390
00:26:05,063 --> 00:26:07,608
Trudy, honey, we got to go.
391
00:26:08,567 --> 00:26:10,110
Wake up, honey. Wake up.
392
00:26:10,110 --> 00:26:12,905
Maybe we can get out the back
by the servants' stairs.
393
00:26:19,745 --> 00:26:22,247
Oh, come on. Not now. Not now.
394
00:26:23,373 --> 00:26:25,375
Fuck! Fuck!
395
00:26:25,375 --> 00:26:26,919
Mistletoe, gingerbread.
396
00:26:51,109 --> 00:26:52,194
Hey!
397
00:26:55,030 --> 00:26:56,281
Oh. Oh.
398
00:26:56,281 --> 00:26:57,741
Hi.
399
00:26:57,741 --> 00:27:00,202
You got me.
400
00:27:00,202 --> 00:27:02,788
I don't want any trouble, okay?
401
00:27:02,788 --> 00:27:04,498
Downstairs. Now.
402
00:27:04,498 --> 00:27:08,168
Look, mister,
I don't want to get involved.
403
00:27:08,168 --> 00:27:10,587
I just...
I just have a job to do.
404
00:27:10,587 --> 00:27:11,964
Okay? That's it.
405
00:27:11,964 --> 00:27:14,466
I'm just gonna take my bag,
406
00:27:14,466 --> 00:27:17,302
and I'm just gonna
scooch up that chimney.
407
00:27:18,804 --> 00:27:20,681
Enough talk. Let's go.
408
00:27:21,473 --> 00:27:23,225
You don't want to do this.
409
00:27:23,225 --> 00:27:24,434
What? This?
410
00:27:26,144 --> 00:27:27,479
Now, move!
411
00:27:27,479 --> 00:27:29,481
- Are you deaf?
412
00:27:29,481 --> 00:27:31,483
Fucking move!
413
00:27:42,286 --> 00:27:44,162
No, no, no.
414
00:27:44,162 --> 00:27:47,332
No! Wait!
415
00:27:47,332 --> 00:27:48,667
Wait.
416
00:27:48,667 --> 00:27:50,335
Wait! Don't go!
417
00:27:50,335 --> 00:27:52,212
Come back!
418
00:29:07,287 --> 00:29:09,039
Oh, fuck!
419
00:29:33,146 --> 00:29:34,648
Oh, shit.
420
00:29:55,961 --> 00:29:59,798
Damn chickenshit reindeer
leave me here to die.
421
00:30:21,778 --> 00:30:23,155
Cute.
422
00:30:23,155 --> 00:30:26,283
Do you have any idea
who you're fucking with?
423
00:30:29,619 --> 00:30:32,497
I know exactly
who I'm fucking with.
424
00:30:32,497 --> 00:30:34,624
Oh, wait, wait.
Did you actually think
425
00:30:34,624 --> 00:30:36,168
that I spent months
426
00:30:36,168 --> 00:30:38,837
planning a complex break-in
to the most secure
427
00:30:38,837 --> 00:30:40,464
private residence in the country
428
00:30:40,464 --> 00:30:42,215
and I didn't know
who lived here?
429
00:30:42,215 --> 00:30:43,800
Well, you're wrong.
430
00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:46,762
'Cause your staff are dead.
431
00:30:46,762 --> 00:30:48,889
- Your security are dead.
432
00:30:48,889 --> 00:30:52,184
Now, sit down
and shut the fuck up!
433
00:31:20,295 --> 00:31:22,339
Oh, fuck.
434
00:31:25,217 --> 00:31:26,551
We planned it. It's all right.
435
00:31:26,551 --> 00:31:28,178
It'll be solved
in a couple minutes.
436
00:31:28,178 --> 00:31:29,721
Better be solved.
437
00:31:29,721 --> 00:31:32,099
So much like a scene
from my movie Dark Ransom.
438
00:31:32,099 --> 00:31:33,558
Oh, my God.
439
00:31:34,726 --> 00:31:36,228
If they didn't have guns,
440
00:31:36,228 --> 00:31:38,271
I could take out three,
maybe four of them.
441
00:31:38,271 --> 00:31:40,398
Try all of them.
442
00:31:40,398 --> 00:31:43,026
Ew, Mom. Yuck.
443
00:31:43,026 --> 00:31:44,820
If you'd really done
your research, you'd know
444
00:31:44,820 --> 00:31:47,614
that my brother Rory
was kidnapped in the '70s.
445
00:31:48,490 --> 00:31:51,118
But my father
never called the police.
446
00:31:51,118 --> 00:31:53,620
Dad sent in our own
private extraction team,
447
00:31:53,620 --> 00:31:57,207
and Rory was home
safe and sound a week later.
448
00:31:57,207 --> 00:32:00,877
And the kidnappers
were never found.
449
00:32:00,877 --> 00:32:02,963
If you get me.
450
00:32:04,506 --> 00:32:06,007
I know.
451
00:32:06,007 --> 00:32:08,718
I know all about
your extraction team
452
00:32:08,718 --> 00:32:10,804
that you affectionately call
"the Kill Squad"
453
00:32:10,804 --> 00:32:12,597
behind closed doors.
454
00:32:12,597 --> 00:32:14,516
I also know
that they're on their way
455
00:32:14,516 --> 00:32:16,518
and how long it's gonna
take 'em to get here.
456
00:32:16,518 --> 00:32:19,437
I even know their credit ratings
and their dick sizes.
457
00:32:19,437 --> 00:32:21,106
If you get me.
458
00:32:21,106 --> 00:32:23,275
Then you should also know
you're already dead.
459
00:32:23,275 --> 00:32:25,110
We don't do ransoms.
460
00:32:25,110 --> 00:32:27,737
Again, I know. I know.
461
00:32:27,737 --> 00:32:29,739
See, I know a lot, Gertrude.
462
00:32:29,739 --> 00:32:31,491
I really do.
463
00:32:31,491 --> 00:32:34,578
Like the fact that you have
300 million in U.S. dollars
464
00:32:34,578 --> 00:32:36,705
sitting in your personal vault
downstairs.
465
00:32:36,705 --> 00:32:38,957
- The fuck?
- That's right.
466
00:32:38,957 --> 00:32:41,710
300 million that
the U.S. government
467
00:32:41,710 --> 00:32:45,172
gave Lightstone to quietly
distribute in the Middle East
468
00:32:45,172 --> 00:32:46,840
to all the worst people,
469
00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:51,011
to grease the wheels
and keep that sweet oil flowing.
470
00:32:51,011 --> 00:32:55,599
300 million that-- oops--
disappeared in the fog of war.
471
00:32:55,599 --> 00:32:58,810
Except it didn't really
disappear, did it, Gerty?
472
00:32:58,810 --> 00:33:00,145
'Cause you stole it.
473
00:33:00,145 --> 00:33:01,730
Did you know about this?
474
00:33:01,730 --> 00:33:03,190
Man, this family.
475
00:33:03,190 --> 00:33:06,359
This moneygrubbing family.
476
00:33:06,359 --> 00:33:08,236
Clinging desperately
to your wealth,
477
00:33:08,236 --> 00:33:10,655
when your poor employees
don't even have enough coal
478
00:33:10,655 --> 00:33:12,532
to keep Tiny Tim warm.
479
00:33:12,532 --> 00:33:15,702
What is it with you
and all this Christmas shit?
480
00:33:15,702 --> 00:33:17,495
Talk all you want.
481
00:33:17,495 --> 00:33:19,331
You'll never get in the vault.
482
00:33:19,331 --> 00:33:22,834
Oh, oh, oh, because when
you-you hit the panic button,
483
00:33:22,834 --> 00:33:24,502
it reset the combination?
484
00:33:24,502 --> 00:33:28,173
I keep telling you, I know.
485
00:33:32,969 --> 00:33:35,847
This is what breaking
into a vault has turned into?
486
00:33:35,847 --> 00:33:40,518
Remember when you just had to
drill holes and blow shit up?
487
00:33:40,518 --> 00:33:42,187
I don't know,
maybe I'm getting old,
488
00:33:42,187 --> 00:33:43,688
but there was something
romantic about that.
489
00:33:43,688 --> 00:33:45,941
Boss, you copy?
490
00:33:45,941 --> 00:33:47,901
I'm kind of busy here.
491
00:33:47,901 --> 00:33:50,362
You're gonna want to see this.
492
00:33:59,704 --> 00:34:01,373
Maybe he fell.
493
00:34:01,373 --> 00:34:02,791
You rappel down buildings
with him.
494
00:34:02,791 --> 00:34:05,210
You gonna tell me
he just fell out a window?
495
00:34:06,044 --> 00:34:08,046
All right, look lively, gang.
496
00:34:08,046 --> 00:34:09,798
We got a gopher.
497
00:34:25,230 --> 00:34:26,731
You know what?
498
00:34:26,731 --> 00:34:30,902
Um, I think Mr. Bunny
wants to go to sleep.
499
00:34:30,902 --> 00:34:32,904
So, let's tuck him in.
500
00:34:32,904 --> 00:34:34,531
Okay?
501
00:34:35,699 --> 00:34:37,409
It's gonna be okay.
502
00:34:51,298 --> 00:34:53,842
Hello? Santa?
503
00:34:53,842 --> 00:34:55,802
Are you there?
504
00:35:01,641 --> 00:35:03,393
Shit.
505
00:35:07,522 --> 00:35:10,150
This is
Candy Cane at checkpoint three.
506
00:35:10,150 --> 00:35:11,860
Oh, shit.
507
00:35:11,860 --> 00:35:13,653
Shit. Shit. Shit.
508
00:35:16,823 --> 00:35:18,742
Video game.
509
00:35:19,909 --> 00:35:21,244
Video game.
510
00:35:21,244 --> 00:35:23,455
Didn't anybody ask
for a bat or a sword
511
00:35:23,455 --> 00:35:26,583
- or Molotov cocktails?
512
00:35:35,091 --> 00:35:36,801
Wait.
513
00:35:51,566 --> 00:35:53,234
Mommy, I love you.
514
00:35:54,778 --> 00:35:56,654
Poetry book.
515
00:35:56,654 --> 00:35:59,115
Die Hard on Blu-ray. Fuck!
516
00:36:13,254 --> 00:36:15,215
Safety's on, dipshit.
517
00:36:26,017 --> 00:36:27,977
Wait. Hang on. Hang on.
518
00:36:29,354 --> 00:36:31,940
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait. Look.
519
00:36:31,940 --> 00:36:33,358
I don't want to kill you.
520
00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:41,116
Wow, a big fat guy, gray beard.
521
00:36:41,116 --> 00:36:43,201
Eh?
522
00:36:43,743 --> 00:36:45,787
Santa...
523
00:36:45,787 --> 00:36:47,831
I'm gonna rip
your fucking balls off.
524
00:37:01,302 --> 00:37:03,221
Oh, shit.
525
00:38:48,034 --> 00:38:50,370
Ah, God.
526
00:38:50,370 --> 00:38:52,080
Whew.
527
00:38:53,122 --> 00:38:56,084
Whew. Whew.
528
00:38:56,084 --> 00:38:58,169
This is Candy Cane checking in.
529
00:38:58,169 --> 00:38:59,879
Compound is clear and secured.
530
00:39:02,006 --> 00:39:04,092
Copy. What's the
status on the Kill Squad?
531
00:39:05,760 --> 00:39:07,512
Kill Squad
won't be here for two hours.
532
00:39:07,512 --> 00:39:10,390
So we're doing good. The outer
seal's already been breached.
533
00:39:10,390 --> 00:39:13,017
Is there a 911 thing on here?
534
00:39:13,017 --> 00:39:15,520
My...
535
00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:17,480
Am I doing that correct?
536
00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:18,815
Hello?
537
00:39:18,815 --> 00:39:20,775
Hello, can anybody hear me?
538
00:39:20,775 --> 00:39:23,361
Can you hear me, Santa?
539
00:39:25,196 --> 00:39:26,447
Hello?
540
00:39:26,447 --> 00:39:28,032
Santa?
541
00:39:31,202 --> 00:39:32,954
Yeah, this is Santa.
542
00:39:35,707 --> 00:39:38,376
I hope I'm not bothering you.
543
00:39:39,752 --> 00:39:42,630
Daddy said you were
very busy tonight.
544
00:39:44,382 --> 00:39:46,301
I'm...
545
00:39:46,301 --> 00:39:48,511
I'm on a break.
546
00:39:48,511 --> 00:39:50,722
Who-who am I speaking to?
547
00:39:53,141 --> 00:39:55,018
My name is Trudy Lightstone,
548
00:39:55,018 --> 00:39:58,479
and I've been very good
this year.
549
00:39:58,479 --> 00:40:00,398
Trudy...
550
00:40:02,609 --> 00:40:04,736
Trudy Lightstone.
551
00:40:13,578 --> 00:40:15,788
Yeah, Trudy.
552
00:40:15,788 --> 00:40:18,166
You're on my nice list.
553
00:40:18,166 --> 00:40:20,710
You've been a very good girl
this year.
554
00:40:22,253 --> 00:40:24,464
Where are you now, Trudy?
555
00:40:25,715 --> 00:40:28,551
I'm in a big room
with all my relatives.
556
00:40:28,551 --> 00:40:31,929
There's two bad men with guns
watching us.
557
00:40:34,515 --> 00:40:36,225
Oh, no. Six left.
558
00:40:36,225 --> 00:40:38,561
Are you gonna help us, Santa?
559
00:40:39,687 --> 00:40:41,689
Yeah. Of course
I'm gonna help you.
560
00:40:41,689 --> 00:40:44,400
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna get you out of there.
561
00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:47,987
Take all these bad guys
on my naughty list...
562
00:40:48,863 --> 00:40:51,366
I'm gonna take a lump of coal,
563
00:40:51,366 --> 00:40:55,328
each and every one of them,
and shove it straight up...
564
00:40:55,328 --> 00:40:56,621
The ass.
565
00:40:59,457 --> 00:41:01,000
Well, I mean, come on, sweetie.
566
00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:03,961
We want to keep you
on the nice list, you know.
567
00:41:05,296 --> 00:41:07,882
Sorry.
Can I say "butthole," then?
568
00:41:08,675 --> 00:41:10,176
I mean, it's borderline.
569
00:41:10,176 --> 00:41:11,803
How about "anus"?
570
00:41:11,803 --> 00:41:16,140
Technically, yes,
uh, "anus" is the tech...
571
00:41:16,140 --> 00:41:17,975
Okay, look, uh, Tru...
uh, Trudy.
572
00:41:17,975 --> 00:41:20,728
I got to call for help,
and the phone lines are down.
573
00:41:20,728 --> 00:41:23,398
You probably know this house
better than anybody.
574
00:41:23,398 --> 00:41:25,316
You got any suggestions?
575
00:41:25,316 --> 00:41:26,943
I have an idea.
576
00:41:29,195 --> 00:41:31,781
All right, you're telling me
there's a goddamn Santa Claus
577
00:41:31,781 --> 00:41:33,700
running around here?
578
00:41:36,869 --> 00:41:38,913
Okay, well,
he looks jolly as fuck,
579
00:41:38,913 --> 00:41:40,456
but who the hell is he?
580
00:41:40,456 --> 00:41:42,667
There's no Santa listed
on the employee manifest.
581
00:41:42,667 --> 00:41:44,001
Yeah, there's more.
582
00:41:44,001 --> 00:41:45,712
Frosty hasn't checked in.
I can't reach him.
583
00:41:45,712 --> 00:41:47,672
All right, keep trying.
584
00:41:50,341 --> 00:41:51,884
All right, it's official.
585
00:41:51,884 --> 00:41:53,803
We got a gopher on the loose,
and he's dangerous.
586
00:41:53,803 --> 00:41:55,221
Watch your backs.
587
00:42:00,184 --> 00:42:02,937
Al? Al?
588
00:42:09,152 --> 00:42:11,028
Oh, shit.
589
00:42:18,703 --> 00:42:20,371
Oh, shit!
590
00:42:20,371 --> 00:42:23,708
Frosty, what's your status?
591
00:42:27,170 --> 00:42:29,213
Frosty, sound off.
592
00:42:30,214 --> 00:42:33,092
Uh, Frosty?
593
00:42:34,385 --> 00:42:35,845
Is-is that, uh...
594
00:42:35,845 --> 00:42:37,764
is that the naughty guy
I met in the basement?
595
00:42:37,764 --> 00:42:39,474
Your-your friend is dead.
596
00:42:39,474 --> 00:42:42,727
Uh, he got a star in his face,
then his head caught on fire.
597
00:42:42,727 --> 00:42:44,645
It's a long story.
598
00:42:44,645 --> 00:42:47,482
Oh.
599
00:42:47,482 --> 00:42:49,650
Is this... is this our Santy?
600
00:42:49,650 --> 00:42:52,570
Is this our... our Santy Claus?
601
00:42:52,570 --> 00:42:54,155
Yeah, it is.
602
00:42:54,947 --> 00:42:56,866
To whom am I speaking?
603
00:42:56,866 --> 00:42:58,868
Well, for tonight,
I'm Mr. Scrooge.
604
00:42:58,868 --> 00:43:02,789
Now, what is it
that you want exactly, Santa?
605
00:43:02,789 --> 00:43:05,333
I want you to put down
your weapons,
606
00:43:05,333 --> 00:43:08,252
I want you to let
this family go,
607
00:43:08,252 --> 00:43:10,129
and then I want to find
my reindeer,
608
00:43:10,129 --> 00:43:12,632
and I want to continue
delivering my presents.
609
00:43:15,384 --> 00:43:16,928
Are you fucking with me?
610
00:43:16,928 --> 00:43:19,222
All right, who the hell
are you really, huh?
611
00:43:19,222 --> 00:43:21,849
Some security guard who's
watched too many action flicks?
612
00:43:21,849 --> 00:43:24,310
Some loser ex-cop
stuck in a mall
613
00:43:24,310 --> 00:43:26,562
playing dress-up with fat kids
pissing on your lap?
614
00:43:26,562 --> 00:43:27,980
Stop me when I get it right.
615
00:43:27,980 --> 00:43:30,274
It's a little more complicated
than that.
616
00:43:30,274 --> 00:43:31,901
Not to me, it's not.
617
00:43:31,901 --> 00:43:33,903
'Cause I want to make it
my personal mission,
618
00:43:33,903 --> 00:43:38,241
my holiday to-do list,
to find you and to end you
619
00:43:38,241 --> 00:43:41,911
and to wipe my ass with you
and this whole fucking holiday.
620
00:43:41,911 --> 00:43:44,455
That's what I want
for Christmas, Santa.
621
00:43:44,455 --> 00:43:48,584
That is a terrible thing
to want for Christmas.
622
00:43:48,584 --> 00:43:52,338
But maybe you and I should
discuss that in person.
623
00:43:53,631 --> 00:43:56,300
Santa Claus is coming to town.
624
00:44:07,687 --> 00:44:09,146
Shit.
625
00:44:18,990 --> 00:44:20,324
All right, who did you hire
626
00:44:20,324 --> 00:44:22,994
to play Santa at
your Christmas party, huh?
627
00:44:22,994 --> 00:44:25,037
- I said, who's playing Santa
628
00:44:25,037 --> 00:44:26,497
at your fucked-up
Christmas party?
629
00:44:26,497 --> 00:44:29,417
I didn't hire a Santa.
630
00:44:29,417 --> 00:44:32,378
I never have a Santa.
It's tacky.
631
00:44:32,378 --> 00:44:33,754
So, who is he?
632
00:44:36,591 --> 00:44:39,468
Huh? Who is he?
633
00:44:39,468 --> 00:44:41,012
Somebody better start talking,
634
00:44:41,012 --> 00:44:44,098
or I'm gonna bash
her brains in with this...
635
00:44:44,098 --> 00:44:48,686
Damn, Gertrude. You really got
a thing for nutcrackers, huh?
636
00:44:49,854 --> 00:44:53,733
So, I'm gonna torture
everyone in your family
637
00:44:53,733 --> 00:44:56,819
until you tell me who's
running around your mansion
638
00:44:56,819 --> 00:44:59,572
playing Santa
and fucking with my shit.
639
00:44:59,572 --> 00:45:01,574
And who should I pick first?
640
00:45:01,574 --> 00:45:02,992
Should I go by age?
641
00:45:02,992 --> 00:45:04,660
- Shh.
642
00:45:04,660 --> 00:45:06,329
Or should I go by IQ?
643
00:45:06,329 --> 00:45:09,790
Pick Jason.
He's my mom's favorite.
644
00:45:09,790 --> 00:45:11,834
- Yep. Him.
- The one in the sweater.
645
00:45:11,834 --> 00:45:14,211
All right.
Jason Lightstone it is.
646
00:45:14,211 --> 00:45:15,463
- The number one son.
- No.
647
00:45:15,463 --> 00:45:16,964
Wait, wait, wait.
No, we don't need...
648
00:45:16,964 --> 00:45:18,382
We don't need to do that.
No, it's okay.
649
00:45:18,382 --> 00:45:20,551
No. No, no, no.
We don't need to do this.
650
00:45:20,551 --> 00:45:21,761
No. No, no, no, no.
651
00:45:21,761 --> 00:45:23,262
Don't, don't, don't.
652
00:45:23,262 --> 00:45:25,556
- No, don't... Put it...
Don't... No. -
653
00:45:25,556 --> 00:45:27,767
- No, no, no, no. No, no.
- Give me this fucking...
654
00:45:36,776 --> 00:45:39,487
I'm telling you,
no one hired a Santa.
655
00:45:39,487 --> 00:45:41,113
All right, all right,
all right. You're right.
656
00:45:41,113 --> 00:45:42,156
You're right.
Let's stop it. Let's stop it.
657
00:45:42,156 --> 00:45:44,283
What are we doing here? Come on.
658
00:45:44,283 --> 00:45:47,370
What are we, amateurs?
We're half-assing this.
659
00:45:47,370 --> 00:45:50,498
Come on. It's not called
a finger cracker.
660
00:45:51,707 --> 00:45:53,668
Okay, Candy Cane.
661
00:45:53,668 --> 00:45:55,044
Stick one of his bozaks
in there.
662
00:45:55,044 --> 00:45:56,253
I'm not touching his balls.
663
00:45:56,253 --> 00:45:57,964
What, are you a princess
all of a sudden?
664
00:45:57,964 --> 00:45:59,590
I've seen you
scoop out brains before.
665
00:45:59,590 --> 00:46:01,050
You want me
to scoop his brains out,
666
00:46:01,050 --> 00:46:02,593
I'll scoop his brains out
right now,
667
00:46:02,593 --> 00:46:03,761
but I'm not touching his junk.
668
00:46:03,761 --> 00:46:05,179
I don't care who does it.
669
00:46:05,179 --> 00:46:06,764
I better be looking
at flat balls,
670
00:46:06,764 --> 00:46:08,015
like, in three seconds.
671
00:46:08,015 --> 00:46:10,601
I'll do it.
672
00:46:10,601 --> 00:46:11,894
Krampus. Perfect.
673
00:46:11,894 --> 00:46:13,270
Oh, not that guy. Not that guy.
674
00:46:13,270 --> 00:46:14,772
That's what I love
about sociopaths.
675
00:46:14,772 --> 00:46:16,065
Always up for trying new things.
676
00:46:16,065 --> 00:46:17,400
You don't need to do this, okay?
677
00:46:17,400 --> 00:46:19,318
No, it's all right.
Um... Oh, no.
678
00:46:19,318 --> 00:46:21,862
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
679
00:46:21,862 --> 00:46:24,407
Oh, God. Oh, my God.
680
00:46:25,950 --> 00:46:27,576
Put your nuts in.
681
00:46:27,576 --> 00:46:28,953
Yummy, yummy.
682
00:46:28,953 --> 00:46:31,706
Stop hurting my daddy...
683
00:46:31,706 --> 00:46:34,125
or Santa will get mad.
684
00:46:34,959 --> 00:46:37,169
Ah, what a cutie.
685
00:46:37,169 --> 00:46:39,255
So, what do we know
about Santa, little one?
686
00:46:39,255 --> 00:46:41,173
She doesn't know anything
about Santa.
687
00:46:42,049 --> 00:46:43,801
He wasn't asking you.
688
00:46:43,801 --> 00:46:46,220
She's playing make-believe.
689
00:46:46,220 --> 00:46:48,472
She's pretending
to talk to Santa.
690
00:46:48,472 --> 00:46:50,474
It's not pretend.
Santa's my friend,
691
00:46:50,474 --> 00:46:52,393
and he said
he's going to save us.
692
00:46:52,393 --> 00:46:53,477
No.
693
00:46:53,477 --> 00:46:55,730
- And beat you up.
- Oh, is he?
694
00:46:55,730 --> 00:46:58,274
I bet he'd come out of hiding
if you asked him to, huh?
695
00:46:58,274 --> 00:46:59,859
What do you say you come with me
696
00:46:59,859 --> 00:47:02,111
- and we play a little game
with him, huh? -No, no, no.
697
00:47:02,111 --> 00:47:03,487
Trudy, come on.
Tell him the truth now.
698
00:47:03,487 --> 00:47:05,322
- You aren't talking to Santa.
- Yes, I am.
699
00:47:05,322 --> 00:47:06,657
No, you're not. Come on, now.
700
00:47:06,657 --> 00:47:09,493
- Yes, I am. -Damn it, Trudy,
Santa isn't real!
701
00:47:17,710 --> 00:47:19,503
I'm sorry, honey.
702
00:47:20,463 --> 00:47:22,673
Santa's just a thing
adults tell kids
703
00:47:22,673 --> 00:47:24,884
to make them feel better, okay?
704
00:47:26,886 --> 00:47:29,013
Your mommy and I
give you the presents,
705
00:47:29,013 --> 00:47:31,015
and we say they're from Santa.
706
00:47:32,183 --> 00:47:33,768
He's not coming to save us.
707
00:47:33,768 --> 00:47:35,978
He doesn't exist.
708
00:47:35,978 --> 00:47:38,397
It's all made-up.
709
00:47:39,940 --> 00:47:41,734
- Really?
- Aw.
710
00:47:41,734 --> 00:47:44,570
What a way to find out
that there's no Santa.
711
00:47:44,570 --> 00:47:46,614
Hey, let's come back Easter
and ruin the Easter Bunny
712
00:47:46,614 --> 00:47:48,783
- for her, too, huh?
713
00:47:48,783 --> 00:47:50,201
- Trudy!
- Come back here!
714
00:47:50,201 --> 00:47:51,660
- Stop her!
- Trudy! -Hey!
715
00:47:51,660 --> 00:47:53,162
You idiots, stay at your posts.
716
00:47:53,162 --> 00:47:54,622
Trudy!
717
00:47:54,622 --> 00:47:56,957
I'll find this little brat.
718
00:49:03,065 --> 00:49:04,483
Okay.
719
00:49:33,095 --> 00:49:36,098
Santa. Santa.
720
00:49:36,098 --> 00:49:37,975
- Santa!
721
00:49:39,643 --> 00:49:41,478
This is Trudy.
722
00:49:42,313 --> 00:49:45,482
- Are you okay, Santa?
723
00:49:47,568 --> 00:49:48,986
Hi. Hey.
724
00:49:48,986 --> 00:49:50,821
Are you okay?
725
00:49:50,821 --> 00:49:52,656
I'm good. Uh...
726
00:49:52,656 --> 00:49:55,034
I was just wrapping
something up.
727
00:49:55,034 --> 00:49:57,244
I ran away and hid in the attic.
728
00:49:57,244 --> 00:50:00,497
Okay. If you're safe...
729
00:50:00,497 --> 00:50:03,500
uh, just stay there
and, uh, stay quiet, all right?
730
00:50:03,500 --> 00:50:08,339
Okay. I can set up booby traps,
like in Home Alone.
731
00:50:08,339 --> 00:50:10,007
Okay, I don't know
what that means,
732
00:50:10,007 --> 00:50:11,717
but, uh, yeah, do that.
733
00:50:11,717 --> 00:50:13,636
Just do it quietly.
734
00:50:15,012 --> 00:50:17,014
Are you really Santa?
735
00:50:20,851 --> 00:50:22,853
Of course I am, sweetheart.
736
00:50:23,729 --> 00:50:26,607
My daddy says
there isn't any Santa.
737
00:50:28,025 --> 00:50:31,237
He says parents just tell
their kids that Santa's real
738
00:50:31,237 --> 00:50:32,947
to make them feel better.
739
00:50:32,947 --> 00:50:35,824
He said they give us presents
740
00:50:35,824 --> 00:50:38,118
and say they're from Santa.
741
00:50:38,118 --> 00:50:40,246
Yeah.
742
00:50:40,246 --> 00:50:42,498
Yeah, a lot of parents say that.
743
00:50:42,498 --> 00:50:46,543
But I still bring presents
to kids that need me.
744
00:50:47,836 --> 00:50:50,130
Kids who really believe.
745
00:50:51,382 --> 00:50:54,301
How do you know
who really needs you?
746
00:50:54,301 --> 00:50:56,512
Christmas magic.
747
00:50:56,512 --> 00:50:58,806
I'm not really sure
how it works.
748
00:51:06,605 --> 00:51:08,899
But, uh...
749
00:51:11,068 --> 00:51:14,196
I remember, um...
750
00:51:14,196 --> 00:51:16,115
when Trudy Lightstone
wrote to me.
751
00:51:16,115 --> 00:51:18,534
She must have been
about six years old,
752
00:51:18,534 --> 00:51:22,371
and she said that
she felt lonely sometimes.
753
00:51:22,371 --> 00:51:24,790
She missed having a best friend.
754
00:51:24,790 --> 00:51:26,125
And so I brought her
755
00:51:26,125 --> 00:51:28,002
a beautiful little
stuffed rabbit.
756
00:51:28,002 --> 00:51:29,378
Mr. Bunny.
757
00:51:29,378 --> 00:51:31,338
And then I remember
the next year,
758
00:51:31,338 --> 00:51:33,465
and you said you had
this amazing dream
759
00:51:33,465 --> 00:51:37,511
and that, afterwards,
all you wanted to do was...
760
00:51:37,511 --> 00:51:38,762
To fly!
761
00:51:38,762 --> 00:51:41,181
To fly. To fly.
762
00:51:42,433 --> 00:51:46,895
I mean, Santa might have
some magic, but...
763
00:51:46,895 --> 00:51:50,607
making a little girl fly?
764
00:51:52,776 --> 00:51:56,864
But giving you a kite,
765
00:51:56,864 --> 00:52:00,326
floating just beneath
the clouds,
766
00:52:00,326 --> 00:52:03,162
well, it's about
as good as it gets.
767
00:52:03,162 --> 00:52:05,039
I knew it.
768
00:52:05,039 --> 00:52:07,416
I knew you were real, Santa.
769
00:52:09,960 --> 00:52:13,130
Don't be too hard
on your parents, all right?
770
00:52:14,882 --> 00:52:17,718
Grown-ups have a hard time
believing things.
771
00:52:18,552 --> 00:52:20,846
Can you use your Christmas magic
772
00:52:20,846 --> 00:52:23,182
to make them
love each other again?
773
00:52:23,182 --> 00:52:25,726
I wish I had that kind of power.
774
00:52:26,518 --> 00:52:30,272
Mrs. Claus and I have been
going on year, uh,
775
00:52:30,272 --> 00:52:32,566
1,100, and...
776
00:52:33,442 --> 00:52:36,278
Grown-up relationships
are complicated.
777
00:52:37,112 --> 00:52:39,323
It takes work.
778
00:52:39,323 --> 00:52:41,450
A lot of work.
779
00:52:43,577 --> 00:52:45,996
Do you still love her?
780
00:52:45,996 --> 00:52:47,831
Yeah, I do.
781
00:52:48,791 --> 00:52:52,336
And sometimes, even if you want
to make somebody happy...
782
00:52:53,545 --> 00:52:55,839
...the magic just goes away.
783
00:52:57,883 --> 00:53:00,219
Hey.
784
00:53:00,219 --> 00:53:02,012
I've got an idea.
785
00:53:02,012 --> 00:53:03,639
This will be fun.
786
00:53:04,681 --> 00:53:07,935
Why don't you guys
open your presents?
787
00:53:07,935 --> 00:53:12,231
I want to see what you
rich assholes get each other.
788
00:53:12,231 --> 00:53:18,195
And some of you might not
make it till tomorrow morning,
789
00:53:18,195 --> 00:53:21,198
so this could be
your only chance.
790
00:53:22,032 --> 00:53:23,492
Come on.
791
00:53:23,492 --> 00:53:26,245
Where's the Christmas spirit?
792
00:53:27,788 --> 00:53:29,873
Uh...
793
00:53:30,749 --> 00:53:35,170
Gertrude, uh, I got you
something pretty special.
794
00:53:35,170 --> 00:53:36,505
Did you hear that, Gertrude?
795
00:53:36,505 --> 00:53:38,465
He got you something amazing.
796
00:53:38,465 --> 00:53:41,385
Oh, what could it be?
797
00:53:41,385 --> 00:53:43,804
Oh, my God, this is exciting.
798
00:53:43,804 --> 00:53:46,014
Mom.
799
00:53:46,014 --> 00:53:47,724
Can I call you Mom?
800
00:53:48,934 --> 00:53:50,561
Mrs. Lightstone.
801
00:53:52,396 --> 00:53:55,774
Okay, so in the business,
they call this...
802
00:53:56,775 --> 00:53:58,235
...a pitch deck.
803
00:53:59,153 --> 00:54:00,237
- Pitch deck.
- Yeah.
804
00:54:00,237 --> 00:54:02,030
It's called Explosive Force.
805
00:54:02,030 --> 00:54:03,574
Starring me.
806
00:54:03,574 --> 00:54:05,325
And if you look in the back,
807
00:54:05,325 --> 00:54:08,787
there are the financial numbers.
808
00:54:08,787 --> 00:54:12,332
I'm kind of a big deal in Asia.
809
00:54:13,584 --> 00:54:15,752
Parts of Asia, at least.
810
00:54:15,752 --> 00:54:17,838
We were in parts of Asia once,
and, like,
811
00:54:17,838 --> 00:54:19,590
we couldn't even go
to a restaurant.
812
00:54:19,590 --> 00:54:23,093
Ah, what is there
a better gift than...
813
00:54:23,093 --> 00:54:26,430
gift of a golden opportunity?
814
00:54:27,764 --> 00:54:30,017
Oh, no.
815
00:54:31,268 --> 00:54:33,729
Granny doesn't like it.
816
00:54:33,729 --> 00:54:36,356
Mother, I got you something
really special.
817
00:54:42,613 --> 00:54:45,282
It's a sentimental photo
of the day I was born.
818
00:54:45,282 --> 00:54:47,326
I remember.
819
00:54:47,326 --> 00:54:48,702
I was there.
820
00:54:48,702 --> 00:54:50,954
She doesn't give a shit.
821
00:54:53,415 --> 00:54:55,125
- Swing and miss again!
822
00:54:55,125 --> 00:54:56,418
This is so fun.
823
00:54:56,418 --> 00:54:57,628
Mommy, how about another one?
824
00:54:57,628 --> 00:54:59,338
I got you a lot of good things.
825
00:54:59,338 --> 00:55:01,381
- I'll grab one.
- Alva, Alva, sit down.
826
00:55:01,381 --> 00:55:03,133
You've already given me one.
It's...
827
00:55:03,133 --> 00:55:04,384
It's Jason's turn.
828
00:55:04,384 --> 00:55:05,802
Uh...
829
00:55:05,802 --> 00:55:09,264
I th... I-I think
I left it in the car.
830
00:55:09,264 --> 00:55:11,517
No, I-I saw you put one
under the tree earlier.
831
00:55:11,517 --> 00:55:13,894
- No. It's in the...
- Yeah, I did.
832
00:55:13,894 --> 00:55:16,980
I could've sworn.
You know what, it's, uh...
833
00:55:16,980 --> 00:55:19,066
Y-You don't... you don't...
you don't... you...
834
00:55:19,066 --> 00:55:21,693
It's this one, right?
Yeah, I got you, bro.
835
00:55:21,693 --> 00:55:23,153
Come on.
836
00:55:24,905 --> 00:55:26,949
Thank you.
837
00:55:27,991 --> 00:55:30,202
It's my favorite whiskey.
838
00:55:30,202 --> 00:55:32,871
You can skip the note.
839
00:55:56,228 --> 00:55:57,980
Thank you, Jason.
840
00:56:03,360 --> 00:56:05,696
What's the card say?
841
00:56:05,696 --> 00:56:08,615
I think I'll just keep that
between Jason and I.
842
00:56:08,615 --> 00:56:12,744
No one really needs to know.
Right, Jason?
843
00:56:15,205 --> 00:56:16,915
Right.
844
00:56:17,874 --> 00:56:20,252
Did you ever have
a mommy and daddy?
845
00:56:22,045 --> 00:56:24,089
Yeah, of course
I had a mommy and daddy.
846
00:56:24,089 --> 00:56:27,759
I wasn't...
I wasn't always Santa Claus.
847
00:56:28,594 --> 00:56:30,887
I had a life before this.
848
00:56:31,805 --> 00:56:34,558
A long, long, long time ago.
849
00:56:38,729 --> 00:56:41,857
They used to call me, uh...
850
00:56:41,857 --> 00:56:43,775
Nicomund.
851
00:56:47,529 --> 00:56:49,156
Nicomund the Red.
852
00:56:50,741 --> 00:56:53,493
You had a different job then?
853
00:56:53,493 --> 00:56:56,246
Yeah, you could say that.
854
00:56:56,246 --> 00:56:58,123
I was a warrior.
855
00:56:58,123 --> 00:57:00,208
A raider. A thief.
856
00:57:00,208 --> 00:57:04,004
- And if somebody got in my way,
857
00:57:04,004 --> 00:57:05,756
me and Skullcrusher would...
858
00:57:05,756 --> 00:57:07,424
Who's Skullcrusher?
859
00:57:08,258 --> 00:57:11,386
Skullcrusher's my, uh...
860
00:57:11,386 --> 00:57:14,097
my hammer.
861
00:57:14,097 --> 00:57:16,350
My favorite hammer.
862
00:57:16,350 --> 00:57:18,727
I was a surgeon with that thing.
863
00:57:18,727 --> 00:57:21,188
Used to be able to take
three heads, line 'em up...
864
00:57:22,773 --> 00:57:25,359
But why?
865
00:57:25,359 --> 00:57:26,818
What?
866
00:57:26,818 --> 00:57:29,446
Why'd you do those things?
867
00:57:31,406 --> 00:57:33,492
Because I was mean.
868
00:57:34,660 --> 00:57:36,787
And I was greedy.
869
00:57:38,622 --> 00:57:41,416
And I wanted gold, jewels.
870
00:57:41,416 --> 00:57:44,127
Yeah, I mean, if there was
a naughty list back then,
871
00:57:44,127 --> 00:57:46,129
I'd be top dog.
872
00:57:47,714 --> 00:57:49,841
Well, maybe...
873
00:57:50,842 --> 00:57:52,052
What?
874
00:57:52,052 --> 00:57:54,179
Maybe all those bad things
you used to do...
875
00:57:55,263 --> 00:57:58,558
...maybe you can use them
to do good things instead.
876
00:57:59,351 --> 00:58:01,645
To help.
877
00:58:01,645 --> 00:58:03,563
What do you mean?
878
00:58:03,563 --> 00:58:07,943
Mr. Bunny, he wasn't just a toy.
879
00:58:07,943 --> 00:58:11,363
That night, you gave me
what I wished for.
880
00:58:11,363 --> 00:58:13,240
A best friend.
881
00:58:14,282 --> 00:58:16,910
'Cause you're good and kind.
882
00:58:16,910 --> 00:58:20,497
And you mean more than just
the presents you bring.
883
00:58:20,497 --> 00:58:23,166
That's why I believe in you,
Santa.
884
00:58:23,166 --> 00:58:25,585
That's why I believe.
885
00:58:31,174 --> 00:58:32,843
Thank you.
886
00:58:34,678 --> 00:58:38,640
You stay hidden, Trudy,
till I come get you.
887
00:58:38,640 --> 00:58:40,559
Stay safe.
888
00:58:41,518 --> 00:58:44,438
All right,
we got satellite confirmation.
889
00:58:44,438 --> 00:58:46,565
Extraction team's on the go.
890
00:58:46,565 --> 00:58:48,859
30 minutes.
891
00:58:48,859 --> 00:58:50,527
We're on schedule.
892
00:58:50,527 --> 00:58:51,945
Everything's good.
893
00:58:51,945 --> 00:58:53,530
- All right, fellas.
894
00:58:53,530 --> 00:58:54,948
Look alive, look alive.
895
00:58:54,948 --> 00:58:56,867
You all know the plan,
896
00:58:56,867 --> 00:59:00,245
and I like my operations
897
00:59:00,245 --> 00:59:03,039
hard and fast
with minimal cleanup.
898
00:59:03,039 --> 00:59:07,586
Now, some idiot gets
in your way, what do you do?
899
00:59:07,586 --> 00:59:09,671
Fuck their shit up right!
900
00:59:09,671 --> 00:59:11,339
Damn right.
901
00:59:12,132 --> 00:59:14,843
- Time to lube up.
902
00:59:15,969 --> 00:59:18,680
Let's go, motherfuckers!
Let's go!
903
00:59:24,603 --> 00:59:26,855
This fucking family.
904
00:59:46,124 --> 00:59:48,376
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
905
00:59:48,376 --> 00:59:50,170
- Merry Christmas.
906
00:59:50,170 --> 00:59:51,421
Happy holidays.
907
00:59:51,421 --> 00:59:52,547
Traitor.
908
00:59:54,007 --> 00:59:56,009
I got him in the east wing.
909
00:59:56,009 --> 00:59:58,470
All right,
we're on our way. Hold him.
910
01:00:11,775 --> 01:00:13,777
Step aside.
911
01:00:27,290 --> 01:00:30,085
Now, how did this tired, old,
912
01:00:30,085 --> 01:00:32,754
fat piece of shit
get the drop on us?
913
01:00:32,754 --> 01:00:34,214
I don't know.
914
01:00:34,214 --> 01:00:36,216
He's not even armed.
915
01:00:36,216 --> 01:00:38,635
This bag is the only thing
he had on him.
916
01:00:38,635 --> 01:00:40,053
What's in there?
917
01:00:40,804 --> 01:00:42,848
Can't see anything.
918
01:00:46,935 --> 01:00:48,395
Here, give it to me.
919
01:00:59,489 --> 01:01:01,992
What kind of moron...
920
01:01:01,992 --> 01:01:04,244
carries a chess set with him?
921
01:01:07,873 --> 01:01:09,416
What the fuck?
922
01:01:09,416 --> 01:01:11,960
Doesn't make any sense.
Look at all this shit.
923
01:01:19,175 --> 01:01:22,178
So, you're gonna tell us what's
the gimmick with the bag?
924
01:01:22,178 --> 01:01:23,847
It's magic.
925
01:01:23,847 --> 01:01:26,766
You put your hand in,
out comes a present.
926
01:01:28,351 --> 01:01:31,104
I don't really understand
how it works, either.
927
01:01:32,480 --> 01:01:35,525
So, you're Mr. Scrooge.
928
01:01:35,525 --> 01:01:37,527
That's right.
929
01:01:37,527 --> 01:01:39,321
But who are you?
930
01:01:39,321 --> 01:01:41,364
Weihnachtsmann.
931
01:01:42,741 --> 01:01:44,701
Julenissen.
932
01:01:45,577 --> 01:01:47,495
Shèngdàn Laorén.
933
01:01:48,330 --> 01:01:51,541
Babbo Natale, Père Noel,
Kris Kringle.
934
01:01:51,541 --> 01:01:54,044
Jolly old Saint Nick.
935
01:01:54,044 --> 01:01:57,088
People call me a lot of things.
936
01:01:57,923 --> 01:02:00,550
Ha, ha, ha. Very funny.
937
01:02:00,550 --> 01:02:02,928
Or should I say, "Ho, ho, ho"?
938
01:02:02,928 --> 01:02:06,514
If you're Santa,
where's your reindeer?
939
01:02:06,514 --> 01:02:08,350
They were on the roof
940
01:02:08,350 --> 01:02:10,977
until that guy I turned
into an ice kebab just...
941
01:02:13,605 --> 01:02:15,231
You don't believe me?
942
01:02:15,231 --> 01:02:16,358
Go check.
943
01:02:16,358 --> 01:02:19,110
Prancer left
a tasty log up there.
944
01:02:19,110 --> 01:02:20,946
This fucking guy.
945
01:02:20,946 --> 01:02:22,656
You don't think...
946
01:02:22,656 --> 01:02:25,825
Now, I know you're an idiot,
but don't be an idiot out loud.
947
01:02:25,825 --> 01:02:27,911
Come on,
he's just in Santy Claus
948
01:02:27,911 --> 01:02:29,913
with a fucking trick bag.
949
01:02:29,913 --> 01:02:31,915
Oh, no!
950
01:02:31,915 --> 01:02:33,750
That bag was full
of kids' dreams!
951
01:02:33,750 --> 01:02:35,543
Oh, come on.
952
01:02:35,543 --> 01:02:37,837
Everybody knows that
Christmas dreams are bullshit.
953
01:02:38,630 --> 01:02:41,257
My father used to make
a big deal out of it
954
01:02:41,257 --> 01:02:43,051
every Christmas.
955
01:02:43,051 --> 01:02:45,220
Every freaking Christmas
with the presents
956
01:02:45,220 --> 01:02:47,430
and the candy
and the decorations
957
01:02:47,430 --> 01:02:51,226
and the Christmas caroling
and all that bullshit.
958
01:02:52,602 --> 01:02:54,896
And then when I was...
959
01:02:54,896 --> 01:02:58,316
I don't know, ten, 11,
960
01:02:58,316 --> 01:03:00,276
he got laid off,
and that Christmas,
961
01:03:00,276 --> 01:03:01,778
couldn't even afford a tree.
962
01:03:01,778 --> 01:03:03,321
No Christmas dinner, no gifts.
963
01:03:03,321 --> 01:03:05,949
Nothing, nada, culo, dick.
964
01:03:06,741 --> 01:03:08,118
But our neighbors...
965
01:03:08,118 --> 01:03:09,995
our neighbors,
oh, they had it all.
966
01:03:09,995 --> 01:03:11,788
I could see
all that yuletide cheer
967
01:03:11,788 --> 01:03:14,332
through their window mocking me.
968
01:03:14,332 --> 01:03:18,253
So Christmas Eve
rolls around, and...
969
01:03:18,253 --> 01:03:21,297
I waited for everybody
to go to bed.
970
01:03:21,297 --> 01:03:24,634
And then I snuck in there
to take it all.
971
01:03:25,635 --> 01:03:28,179
Only problem was that
the gramps got up to take a piss
972
01:03:28,179 --> 01:03:30,598
and the two of us scared
the shit out of each other.
973
01:03:30,598 --> 01:03:33,643
And, um, he fell down the stairs
974
01:03:33,643 --> 01:03:38,189
and-and broke his neck,
and he died in the hospital.
975
01:03:38,189 --> 01:03:39,816
Everybody thought that I did it,
976
01:03:39,816 --> 01:03:41,317
and every time
I tried to tell them,
977
01:03:41,317 --> 01:03:43,820
I tried to tell them that...
978
01:03:45,280 --> 01:03:47,657
Anyway, maybe I did do it.
979
01:03:47,657 --> 01:03:49,701
Maybe I did push him.
980
01:03:49,701 --> 01:03:51,494
Poor old fucker.
981
01:03:51,494 --> 01:03:54,998
So, you see,
Christmas ruined my life.
982
01:03:54,998 --> 01:03:56,666
Okay? But you know what?
983
01:03:56,666 --> 01:03:58,001
It set me on the path
984
01:03:58,001 --> 01:04:00,045
and made me the great man
that I am today.
985
01:04:00,045 --> 01:04:02,088
I'm sorry, Jimmy.
986
01:04:02,881 --> 01:04:04,424
I really am.
987
01:04:05,258 --> 01:04:07,302
But I do gifts.
I do Christmas cheer.
988
01:04:07,302 --> 01:04:09,512
I don't get involved
in people's lives.
989
01:04:09,512 --> 01:04:13,391
Oh, yeah? Yeah, well,
maybe you fucking should!
990
01:04:17,896 --> 01:04:21,066
Um, how did he know your name?
991
01:04:21,066 --> 01:04:22,776
Oh, Bjorn.
992
01:04:22,776 --> 01:04:24,903
What's your excuse?
993
01:04:24,903 --> 01:04:26,488
Huh?
994
01:04:26,488 --> 01:04:29,824
Didn't I get you that Huffy bike
you wanted back in '82?
995
01:04:29,824 --> 01:04:33,036
One you wrote me 50 times about!
996
01:04:33,036 --> 01:04:34,537
What about you, Kira?
997
01:04:34,537 --> 01:04:37,707
Well, you made your brother
eat worms.
998
01:04:37,707 --> 01:04:39,209
That's naughty!
999
01:04:39,209 --> 01:04:41,127
Okay, how does he know
about my bike?
1000
01:04:41,127 --> 01:04:44,547
"Hey, do you like big tits?"
1001
01:04:44,547 --> 01:04:46,758
Come on, every kid wants
a fucking bike.
1002
01:04:46,758 --> 01:04:49,886
- You're gonna tell me who you
work for... -Oh, Christ. No.
1003
01:04:49,886 --> 01:04:53,181
...then you've got five seconds
to tell me who you really are.
1004
01:04:53,181 --> 01:04:56,017
Five, four, three, two...
1005
01:04:56,017 --> 01:04:57,727
I'm Santa Claus!
1006
01:04:57,727 --> 01:05:00,021
Well, not anymore.
1007
01:05:24,921 --> 01:05:26,756
Is it snowing?
1008
01:05:26,756 --> 01:05:30,176
Is he doing this
with Santa magic?
1009
01:05:36,683 --> 01:05:39,060
Let it snow!
1010
01:05:50,780 --> 01:05:52,782
It's not snow.
1011
01:05:52,782 --> 01:05:54,117
It's Styrofoam.
1012
01:05:54,117 --> 01:05:56,369
I told you this guy's
a big phony.
1013
01:06:10,800 --> 01:06:12,677
Where'd he go?
1014
01:06:12,677 --> 01:06:14,304
He went up the chimney.
1015
01:06:14,304 --> 01:06:15,972
- I saw it.
- I don't know,
1016
01:06:15,972 --> 01:06:17,807
he had a rig
or some pulley system
1017
01:06:17,807 --> 01:06:19,809
- that just yanked him up.
- You can't fit up there.
1018
01:06:19,809 --> 01:06:21,519
- It's impossible.
- Oh, you see one weird thing,
1019
01:06:21,519 --> 01:06:23,855
and then you think
you're in a fairy tale?
1020
01:06:23,855 --> 01:06:25,148
Incoming.
1021
01:06:25,148 --> 01:06:26,024
We've got sleigh bells
approaching.
1022
01:06:26,024 --> 01:06:27,817
Oh, my God.
1023
01:06:27,817 --> 01:06:29,694
It's his reindeer.
1024
01:06:31,321 --> 01:06:33,323
- It's the extraction team.
1025
01:06:33,323 --> 01:06:35,533
Pull yourselves together!
1026
01:06:50,465 --> 01:06:54,761
And that is the sound
of my Kill Squad.
1027
01:06:56,221 --> 01:06:58,306
Oh, you're fizzity-fucked now.
1028
01:06:58,306 --> 01:07:00,516
Huh? What are you gonna do?
You little elf bitch.
1029
01:07:00,516 --> 01:07:01,976
Fu...
1030
01:07:01,976 --> 01:07:03,144
Bertie.
1031
01:07:03,144 --> 01:07:04,687
Hashtag "blessed."
1032
01:07:07,732 --> 01:07:10,360
Yeah!
1033
01:07:10,360 --> 01:07:11,361
Parkour.
1034
01:07:11,361 --> 01:07:12,528
Kill him, babe!
1035
01:07:12,528 --> 01:07:15,198
-Oh!
1036
01:07:16,074 --> 01:07:17,700
Morgan's gonna save us.
1037
01:07:19,452 --> 01:07:23,206
Jean-Claude Van Dipshit
just ditched us, sweetie.
1038
01:07:30,213 --> 01:07:32,215
Hold your fire.
1039
01:07:32,215 --> 01:07:33,841
Barrel roll!
1040
01:07:35,551 --> 01:07:36,844
Easy, easy.
1041
01:07:36,844 --> 01:07:38,763
-Yeah!
- Easy.
1042
01:07:38,763 --> 01:07:40,056
Identify yourself.
1043
01:07:40,056 --> 01:07:42,433
I'm one of the hostages.
1044
01:07:42,433 --> 01:07:45,561
Morgan Steel, the actor.
1045
01:07:45,561 --> 01:07:48,564
Played a lot of soldiers
in my career.
1046
01:07:48,564 --> 01:07:52,151
Can I just say, thank you
for your service. Semper fi.
1047
01:07:52,986 --> 01:07:54,904
What's the situation inside?
1048
01:07:54,904 --> 01:07:57,323
Bunch of ex-military guys,
1049
01:07:57,323 --> 01:07:59,325
but I got to warn you,
they know you're coming.
1050
01:07:59,325 --> 01:08:00,994
I think they're ready for you.
1051
01:08:00,994 --> 01:08:02,829
They better be.
1052
01:08:02,829 --> 01:08:04,914
We're on a tight schedule.
1053
01:08:04,914 --> 01:08:06,749
Shit.
1054
01:08:10,086 --> 01:08:12,213
Oh, f...
1055
01:08:12,213 --> 01:08:15,508
- All right, let's move out.
- Let's move out.
1056
01:08:19,679 --> 01:08:21,306
Come on.
1057
01:08:21,306 --> 01:08:23,516
You got to be kidding me.
1058
01:08:23,516 --> 01:08:25,226
Hey, Thorp,
you're ten minutes late.
1059
01:08:25,226 --> 01:08:26,602
What kept you?
1060
01:08:26,602 --> 01:08:28,938
Looks to me like your net's
got a hole in it.
1061
01:08:28,938 --> 01:08:31,399
Or are you just letting your
hostages out for some exercise?
1062
01:08:31,399 --> 01:08:33,651
No, no, no. We got
a wild gopher running around
1063
01:08:33,651 --> 01:08:36,237
complicating shit
and causing problems.
1064
01:08:36,237 --> 01:08:37,822
Who? Lightstone security?
1065
01:08:37,822 --> 01:08:39,407
Nah, I don't think so.
Some intruder dressed as Santa.
1066
01:08:39,407 --> 01:08:40,825
But I'm telling you,
I'm telling you,
1067
01:08:40,825 --> 01:08:43,036
there's something weird
about him.
1068
01:08:43,036 --> 01:08:44,662
Might be the real Santa.
1069
01:08:44,662 --> 01:08:47,123
- The fuck did she just say?
- Nothing, nothing.
1070
01:08:47,123 --> 01:08:48,207
She's joking.
1071
01:08:48,207 --> 01:08:50,710
My squad will take care of it.
1072
01:08:53,087 --> 01:08:55,798
Beta Team, go find this asshole.
1073
01:08:55,798 --> 01:08:57,800
Go.
1074
01:08:57,800 --> 01:09:02,138
Now, let's unwrap our present,
shall we?
1075
01:09:02,138 --> 01:09:04,390
All right, you heard the man.
1076
01:09:04,390 --> 01:09:07,018
Time to kill Santa.
1077
01:09:07,018 --> 01:09:09,479
I've got him. He's on the roof.
1078
01:09:09,479 --> 01:09:11,773
Roger that. I got eyes on him.
1079
01:09:29,165 --> 01:09:31,167
Right, Sugarplum.
Hit that button.
1080
01:09:38,132 --> 01:09:40,009
Here we go.
1081
01:09:40,009 --> 01:09:41,386
Our skeleton key.
1082
01:09:41,386 --> 01:09:43,262
The "open" magic stick.
1083
01:09:43,262 --> 01:09:44,972
This better fucking work.
1084
01:09:44,972 --> 01:09:47,642
I'm flushing my career for this,
my reputation.
1085
01:09:47,642 --> 01:09:50,436
Yeah, well, then you can
buy yourself a new rep.
1086
01:09:59,362 --> 01:10:00,863
As a kid, I loved
1087
01:10:00,863 --> 01:10:02,907
unwrapping Christmas presents
so much
1088
01:10:02,907 --> 01:10:05,868
that my mom would wrap
empty boxes for me.
1089
01:10:06,786 --> 01:10:09,205
I didn't care
that nothing was inside.
1090
01:10:21,175 --> 01:10:23,761
Is this a fucking joke?
1091
01:10:23,761 --> 01:10:24,971
No.
1092
01:10:26,347 --> 01:10:28,266
You said it would
fucking be here!
1093
01:10:28,266 --> 01:10:31,894
I'm telling you,
my intel was rock solid.
1094
01:10:31,894 --> 01:10:34,188
I had guys on the inside.
1095
01:10:35,231 --> 01:10:38,943
300 million in cash
was delivered here yesterday
1096
01:10:38,943 --> 01:10:41,237
to this fucking mansion.
1097
01:10:46,242 --> 01:10:48,911
Somebody must've intercepted it.
1098
01:10:52,915 --> 01:10:54,959
Son of a bitch.
1099
01:11:17,356 --> 01:11:18,900
Oh, shit.
1100
01:11:18,900 --> 01:11:21,444
Santa, you okay?
1101
01:11:21,444 --> 01:11:23,029
Santa.
1102
01:11:23,029 --> 01:11:25,323
A bunch of new bad guys
showed up.
1103
01:11:25,323 --> 01:11:27,116
They're on the naughty list.
1104
01:11:27,116 --> 01:11:30,119
They got their gadgets
and their gizmos on them.
1105
01:11:30,953 --> 01:11:33,539
I'm sorry.
I think this is it, kid.
1106
01:11:33,539 --> 01:11:35,333
No, no, don't say that.
1107
01:11:35,333 --> 01:11:37,335
The naughty list...
1108
01:11:37,335 --> 01:11:39,754
just grows and grows.
1109
01:11:48,471 --> 01:11:52,308
He's in that structure.
Body cams on.
1110
01:11:52,308 --> 01:11:54,393
Don't give up.
1111
01:11:54,393 --> 01:11:56,979
You make a wish this time,
Santa.
1112
01:11:56,979 --> 01:11:58,606
Just this once.
1113
01:11:58,606 --> 01:12:01,526
If you could have anything
in this world,
1114
01:12:01,526 --> 01:12:03,778
what would it be?
1115
01:12:09,492 --> 01:12:12,537
I wish I could see
Mrs. Claus again,
1116
01:12:12,537 --> 01:12:15,665
tell her how much I love her.
1117
01:12:15,665 --> 01:12:18,501
Then you make
that wish come true.
1118
01:12:18,501 --> 01:12:20,670
- Oh, shit.
1119
01:12:20,670 --> 01:12:23,005
No, no, no, no. No, no.
1120
01:12:24,757 --> 01:12:26,175
Oh, God.
1121
01:12:26,175 --> 01:12:29,011
No.
1122
01:12:41,399 --> 01:12:44,402
You said these guys,
they're naughty.
1123
01:12:44,402 --> 01:12:47,363
And what do you do
to the naughty ones?
1124
01:12:47,363 --> 01:12:49,240
I give them a lump of coal.
1125
01:12:49,240 --> 01:12:51,492
Yeah. Give them their lumps.
1126
01:12:52,702 --> 01:12:54,996
Take that coal and shove it
straight up their...
1127
01:12:54,996 --> 01:12:57,248
- Anuses.
- Yeah!
1128
01:13:03,212 --> 01:13:04,880
They're right outside.
1129
01:13:19,061 --> 01:13:21,564
Santa's gonna eat
through these guys
1130
01:13:21,564 --> 01:13:23,691
like a plate full of cookies.
1131
01:13:28,237 --> 01:13:29,614
Move, move.
1132
01:13:33,284 --> 01:13:35,077
Hey, lock it up.
1133
01:13:36,996 --> 01:13:38,831
Lights down.
1134
01:13:39,999 --> 01:13:41,917
Stay at my back.
1135
01:13:41,917 --> 01:13:44,045
All right, we got this, boys.
1136
01:14:02,897 --> 01:14:05,274
All right, where the fuck
is my money?!
1137
01:14:05,274 --> 01:14:07,652
Where's the money?!
1138
01:14:18,287 --> 01:14:21,207
All right, I've been
a sweetheart up to now.
1139
01:14:21,207 --> 01:14:22,667
But that's all over.
1140
01:14:22,667 --> 01:14:24,460
No more fucking games!
1141
01:14:24,460 --> 01:14:25,961
Where's the money?
1142
01:14:25,961 --> 01:14:29,006
Or I will shoot every last
one of you and enjoy it.
1143
01:14:33,135 --> 01:14:35,888
- It's in the vault.
- I just looked in the vault.
1144
01:14:35,888 --> 01:14:37,306
Had the money been in there,
1145
01:14:37,306 --> 01:14:39,141
I'd have a different
expression on my face.
1146
01:14:39,141 --> 01:14:40,518
Impossible.
1147
01:14:40,518 --> 01:14:42,603
Takes days to get
into that thing.
1148
01:14:42,603 --> 01:14:46,107
Not if we have the key,
Mrs. Lightstone.
1149
01:14:47,483 --> 01:14:49,527
Thorp.
1150
01:14:50,903 --> 01:14:53,489
You can't trust anyone
these days.
1151
01:14:53,489 --> 01:14:55,658
I'm not sure how, but you
1152
01:14:55,658 --> 01:14:58,536
or one of your shithead kids
moved the money.
1153
01:14:58,536 --> 01:15:00,413
And this upsets me.
1154
01:15:00,413 --> 01:15:02,248
It upsets me
1155
01:15:02,248 --> 01:15:06,252
in a way that makes me want to
just randomly shoot at people.
1156
01:15:07,253 --> 01:15:09,463
Hold on. Just... Sorry.
1157
01:15:09,463 --> 01:15:10,881
- Um...
- What? What?
1158
01:15:10,881 --> 01:15:12,258
Uh, what if you randomly shoot
1159
01:15:12,258 --> 01:15:14,844
the only person
who knows where it is?
1160
01:15:15,845 --> 01:15:18,180
Oh, fuck you people!
1161
01:15:52,840 --> 01:15:54,425
Suck on this.
1162
01:16:19,408 --> 01:16:20,910
I need some feedback, guys.
1163
01:16:22,495 --> 01:16:24,455
Guys, what the hell is going on?
1164
01:17:09,458 --> 01:17:10,876
- What's that?
- Huh?
1165
01:17:49,874 --> 01:17:52,001
Jesus Christ.
1166
01:17:52,751 --> 01:17:55,170
Nope. Just jolly old Saint Nick.
1167
01:18:07,725 --> 01:18:10,477
-Oh, God!
- There you go.
1168
01:18:10,477 --> 01:18:12,187
A little stocking stuffer.
1169
01:18:12,980 --> 01:18:16,567
Where is it?
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
1170
01:18:16,567 --> 01:18:19,028
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
1171
01:18:19,028 --> 01:18:21,739
- I got to watch.
- Fuck!
1172
01:18:22,865 --> 01:18:25,075
Ho-Ho-Holy shit.
1173
01:18:27,369 --> 01:18:30,080
Gertrude would never
trust anybody
1174
01:18:30,080 --> 01:18:32,541
who wasn't blood
with this kind of info.
1175
01:18:32,541 --> 01:18:34,251
So...
1176
01:18:34,251 --> 01:18:37,880
the in-laws wouldn't know shit,
1177
01:18:37,880 --> 01:18:40,424
which means
that I can shoot her...
1178
01:18:41,967 --> 01:18:43,969
...unless you tell me
where the fucking money is.
1179
01:18:43,969 --> 01:18:46,221
Please don't, okay?
It's Christmas.
1180
01:18:46,221 --> 01:18:48,057
Shut up!
1181
01:18:48,933 --> 01:18:50,351
I swear,
I'll blow her brains out
1182
01:18:50,351 --> 01:18:51,769
unless you tell me
where the money went.
1183
01:18:51,769 --> 01:18:53,979
I did it!
1184
01:18:53,979 --> 01:18:56,398
- What?
- Okay. Yeah, I did it.
1185
01:18:56,398 --> 01:18:58,317
- I moved the money.
- No, d-don't-don't be an idiot.
1186
01:18:58,317 --> 01:19:00,069
- What?
- The money's our only leverage.
1187
01:19:00,069 --> 01:19:01,654
Well, my wife has a fucking
gun to her head, so...
1188
01:19:01,654 --> 01:19:03,739
Yeah, how did you find out
that we were coming, huh?
1189
01:19:03,739 --> 01:19:05,407
I didn't. I was stealing it.
1190
01:19:06,575 --> 01:19:08,035
- Yeah, coincidence.
- Oh, my God.
1191
01:19:08,035 --> 01:19:09,411
I was planning to take the money
1192
01:19:09,411 --> 01:19:12,581
and leave with my wife
and daughter tonight
1193
01:19:12,581 --> 01:19:14,583
and never come back here.
1194
01:19:14,583 --> 01:19:17,962
Oh, and then my mom would, uh,
1195
01:19:17,962 --> 01:19:19,964
read the note with her whiskey
in the morning
1196
01:19:19,964 --> 01:19:21,757
and know what I had done.
1197
01:19:21,757 --> 01:19:24,051
For years,
I have been telling you
1198
01:19:24,051 --> 01:19:26,428
to stop caring about
your mother's fucking money!
1199
01:19:26,428 --> 01:19:29,682
And you think the solution
was to steal a bunch of it.
1200
01:19:30,474 --> 01:19:32,685
Well, it...
yeah, it does sound stupid
1201
01:19:32,685 --> 01:19:34,186
when you say it like that.
1202
01:19:34,186 --> 01:19:36,188
How can you do this right now?
1203
01:19:36,188 --> 01:19:38,273
It's disgusting. After all
that Mother has given us?
1204
01:19:38,273 --> 01:19:40,484
Come on, Alva.
Everything she ever gave you,
1205
01:19:40,484 --> 01:19:41,777
she made damn sure we knew
1206
01:19:41,777 --> 01:19:43,028
she had the power
to take right back.
1207
01:19:43,028 --> 01:19:46,907
I have spent years
groveling to you.
1208
01:19:46,907 --> 01:19:49,702
In the meanwhile,
I was destroying
1209
01:19:49,702 --> 01:19:51,745
the only good thing in my life.
1210
01:19:51,745 --> 01:19:53,122
What are we doing here, huh?
1211
01:19:53,122 --> 01:19:55,749
Family therapy or doing a heist?
1212
01:19:55,749 --> 01:19:59,003
- Yeah, enough of this sharing
bullshit. -
1213
01:19:59,003 --> 01:20:00,963
All right. Where'd you put it?
1214
01:20:07,136 --> 01:20:09,805
Look at this little idiot.
1215
01:20:13,517 --> 01:20:14,893
Oh, no.
1216
01:20:14,893 --> 01:20:16,729
What?
1217
01:20:16,729 --> 01:20:18,647
- The bad guys found me.
- Okay.
1218
01:20:18,647 --> 01:20:20,482
I'm coming.
1219
01:20:27,072 --> 01:20:30,993
You know, booby traps don't work
unless you hide them.
1220
01:20:33,662 --> 01:20:35,164
You little moron.
1221
01:20:38,208 --> 01:20:40,544
- Jesus! Shit!
1222
01:20:44,423 --> 01:20:46,592
Help me! Help me! Help!
1223
01:20:48,010 --> 01:20:50,137
You'll be f...
You'll be fine.
1224
01:20:50,137 --> 01:20:52,306
Sit tight.
I'll be back in a sec.
1225
01:20:55,184 --> 01:20:57,519
Right after I kill
this little piece of shit!
1226
01:21:00,272 --> 01:21:02,691
You little fucking brat.
1227
01:21:51,115 --> 01:21:52,908
You're dead!
1228
01:21:52,908 --> 01:21:55,410
You're so fucking dead!
1229
01:22:02,584 --> 01:22:05,045
Fucking piece of shit.
1230
01:22:10,092 --> 01:22:12,928
You little...
1231
01:22:30,195 --> 01:22:32,239
- Incoming!
1232
01:22:50,966 --> 01:22:52,801
Son of a fucking...
1233
01:23:02,853 --> 01:23:04,813
Fuck.
1234
01:23:04,813 --> 01:23:06,607
I got you now, kid.
1235
01:23:06,607 --> 01:23:08,275
Yeah? Heads up.
1236
01:23:10,402 --> 01:23:12,029
That's all you got?
You fucking...
1237
01:23:14,865 --> 01:23:17,409
Enough of this shit.
1238
01:23:42,976 --> 01:23:44,186
Santa!
1239
01:23:54,112 --> 01:23:56,365
Hi, Trudy. Hi.
1240
01:23:56,365 --> 01:23:59,201
I made booby traps like
in the movie. It was so funny.
1241
01:23:59,201 --> 01:24:01,828
Ho, ho, ho.
1242
01:24:07,709 --> 01:24:11,630
Trudy, I want you to, uh...
just do me a favor.
1243
01:24:12,464 --> 01:24:15,384
Just turn around
and close your eyes.
1244
01:24:15,384 --> 01:24:18,220
Maybe put your fingers
in your ears and, uh,
1245
01:24:18,220 --> 01:24:21,265
sing "Jingle Bells"
as loud as you can.
1246
01:24:27,813 --> 01:24:30,774
You were about to murder
an innocent child.
1247
01:24:32,109 --> 01:24:33,735
Innocent?
1248
01:24:33,735 --> 01:24:35,737
- It's naughty.
1249
01:24:35,737 --> 01:24:37,197
Naughty.
1250
01:24:37,948 --> 01:24:39,408
- Naughty!
1251
01:24:39,408 --> 01:24:41,118
It's part of
the Lightstone legacy.
1252
01:24:41,118 --> 01:24:42,744
We're horrible people.
1253
01:24:42,744 --> 01:24:44,621
So I get why you did
what you did.
1254
01:24:44,621 --> 01:24:46,707
When your grandfather told me
I'd never run the company
1255
01:24:46,707 --> 01:24:49,126
because a girl
doesn't have what it takes,
1256
01:24:49,126 --> 01:24:51,128
I had to snatch the reins
away from him.
1257
01:24:51,128 --> 01:24:52,587
But the point is,
1258
01:24:52,587 --> 01:24:54,339
a Lightstone takes
what's theirs.
1259
01:24:54,339 --> 01:24:56,008
I'm proud of you, son.
1260
01:24:56,008 --> 01:24:57,467
All right, where the hell is it?
1261
01:24:59,803 --> 01:25:01,722
The money's hidden inside.
1262
01:25:02,889 --> 01:25:06,018
And the Three Wise Men
presented him with gifts
1263
01:25:06,018 --> 01:25:08,854
of frankincense, myrrh...
1264
01:25:10,981 --> 01:25:14,067
...and cold hard cash.
1265
01:25:14,067 --> 01:25:15,527
Load it up, boys.
1266
01:25:15,527 --> 01:25:17,779
All right,
we're securing the money.
1267
01:25:17,779 --> 01:25:19,865
Kill the hostages
and meet us outside.
1268
01:25:19,865 --> 01:25:21,658
What?
1269
01:25:21,658 --> 01:25:23,660
No.
1270
01:25:25,454 --> 01:25:26,913
Mom.
1271
01:25:26,913 --> 01:25:28,290
It's fine, Bert.
1272
01:25:28,290 --> 01:25:29,791
Everything's fine.
1273
01:25:29,791 --> 01:25:31,877
Okay.
1274
01:25:31,877 --> 01:25:33,795
Everybody, get up.
1275
01:25:33,795 --> 01:25:38,300
It's time for a murder.
1276
01:25:38,300 --> 01:25:40,886
Come on. Come on.
You don't want to kill us.
1277
01:25:40,886 --> 01:25:42,220
You really don't.
1278
01:25:42,220 --> 01:25:44,389
Oh, yes, I do.
1279
01:25:44,389 --> 01:25:47,476
I really, really, really do.
1280
01:25:47,476 --> 01:25:49,186
And I'm gonna start with you.
1281
01:25:49,186 --> 01:25:50,520
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
1282
01:25:50,520 --> 01:25:51,813
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
1283
01:25:53,523 --> 01:25:55,233
You got to kill
Aunt Linda first.
1284
01:25:55,233 --> 01:25:56,985
What the hell, Bert?
1285
01:25:56,985 --> 01:25:59,071
You want to squeeze in
being a little shit
1286
01:25:59,071 --> 01:26:00,614
before you die, Bertrude?
1287
01:26:00,614 --> 01:26:02,240
- I say shoot him first.
- What?
1288
01:26:02,240 --> 01:26:04,326
Wait. No, no, no.
Don't shoot him.
1289
01:26:04,326 --> 01:26:06,370
Don't shoot him first.
And don't you call him
1290
01:26:06,370 --> 01:26:08,080
a little shit,
you gold-digging bitch.
1291
01:26:08,080 --> 01:26:09,790
Okay. I changed my mind.
1292
01:26:09,790 --> 01:26:11,750
- Shoot the alcoholic bitch
first. -Don't call my mom
1293
01:26:11,750 --> 01:26:13,835
- an alcoholic bitch.
- Your mom's an alcoholic.
1294
01:26:13,835 --> 01:26:15,670
- I'm sorry.
- You're a gold-digging bitch.
1295
01:26:15,670 --> 01:26:17,839
Oh, I'm a gold-digger,
when I have a whole-ass career?
1296
01:26:17,839 --> 01:26:19,508
You're not even part
of the fucking family.
1297
01:26:19,508 --> 01:26:22,260
- She's an engineer.
- You know goddamn well...
1298
01:26:22,260 --> 01:26:23,637
Shut up!
1299
01:26:27,349 --> 01:26:31,436
Just like rats in a barrel.
1300
01:26:32,229 --> 01:26:34,398
Why don't you die
with some dignity?
1301
01:26:39,444 --> 01:26:41,363
Get off of me!
1302
01:26:41,363 --> 01:26:43,115
Okay, okay.
1303
01:26:43,115 --> 01:26:44,366
Fuck you!
1304
01:26:44,366 --> 01:26:46,952
This is for yelling at my child!
1305
01:26:46,952 --> 01:26:48,370
Creep!
1306
01:26:48,370 --> 01:26:49,913
That's for slapping me,
motherfucker!
1307
01:26:49,913 --> 01:26:51,998
This is for
your dumb fucking hat!
1308
01:27:01,633 --> 01:27:03,301
Is he...
1309
01:27:03,301 --> 01:27:04,845
Is he dead?
1310
01:27:08,723 --> 01:27:10,600
Yeah.
1311
01:27:11,393 --> 01:27:13,019
Thanks, Linda.
1312
01:27:13,019 --> 01:27:16,231
Well, it's nice to do something
as a family for a change.
1313
01:27:17,399 --> 01:27:19,109
--Oh, shit!
1314
01:27:19,109 --> 01:27:20,986
I'm gonna...
1315
01:27:25,073 --> 01:27:26,616
That was for Morgan.
1316
01:27:26,616 --> 01:27:31,621
He may have been stupid,
but he was very, very hot.
1317
01:27:32,998 --> 01:27:35,375
Oh. Trudy!
1318
01:27:35,375 --> 01:27:37,794
- Mommy!
1319
01:27:37,794 --> 01:27:39,421
Thank God, baby.
1320
01:27:39,421 --> 01:27:41,339
Are you okay?
1321
01:27:41,339 --> 01:27:43,091
I'm okay, Mommy.
1322
01:27:43,091 --> 01:27:44,259
Okay.
1323
01:27:44,259 --> 01:27:46,761
This is my friend, Santa.
1324
01:27:51,183 --> 01:27:53,268
What the fuck?
1325
01:27:53,268 --> 01:27:55,103
I can't thank you enough,
Mister...
1326
01:27:55,103 --> 01:27:57,439
Claus. But please call me Santa.
1327
01:27:57,439 --> 01:27:58,815
Mm-hmm.
1328
01:27:58,815 --> 01:28:00,942
You guys should get out of here.
1329
01:28:00,942 --> 01:28:02,402
It's dangerous.
1330
01:28:02,402 --> 01:28:04,738
They took my husband
and her grandmother.
1331
01:28:06,573 --> 01:28:08,200
Anybody know how to work
these gizmos?
1332
01:28:08,200 --> 01:28:09,534
I think so.
1333
01:28:09,534 --> 01:28:11,286
I used to hunt with my dad.
1334
01:28:11,286 --> 01:28:12,454
Ow.
1335
01:28:12,454 --> 01:28:14,122
Copy that. How's that looking?
1336
01:28:14,122 --> 01:28:16,958
- Yeah, I got it on lockdown.
- Heads on a swivel, boys.
1337
01:28:18,293 --> 01:28:19,920
- Incoming!
- Heads up!
1338
01:28:21,129 --> 01:28:22,631
- Oh, oh! Who's shooting?
1339
01:28:22,631 --> 01:28:24,299
- Who's...
1340
01:28:24,299 --> 01:28:27,469
- Cap, get down!
- Watch it! Watch it!
1341
01:28:32,557 --> 01:28:34,935
Gun 'em down. Mow them all down.
1342
01:28:50,784 --> 01:28:53,620
- All right, let's get the fuck
out of here. -Let's go.
1343
01:28:53,620 --> 01:28:56,122
- Go where?
- Come on, move, you old bat.
1344
01:28:56,873 --> 01:28:58,833
Get your fucking
hands off of me.
1345
01:29:08,969 --> 01:29:11,304
Oh! Oh, shit.
1346
01:29:11,304 --> 01:29:14,683
My balls! My fucking balls!
1347
01:29:31,324 --> 01:29:34,160
Ow, my balls! Why did you
shoot me in the ball...
1348
01:29:37,998 --> 01:29:40,375
Oh, Jesus.
1349
01:29:40,375 --> 01:29:42,043
Sorry.
1350
01:29:43,878 --> 01:29:46,548
Don't worry about us, Mr. Claus.
We got this.
1351
01:29:46,548 --> 01:29:48,800
Who is that guy?
1352
01:29:48,800 --> 01:29:51,428
He said he was Mr. Claus.
1353
01:29:53,221 --> 01:29:55,265
- Fuck. Trudy.
- No, no.
1354
01:29:55,265 --> 01:29:56,891
She's in the house. She's okay.
1355
01:29:56,891 --> 01:29:58,268
She's safe.
1356
01:29:58,268 --> 01:30:00,395
- Oh, thank God.
- Yeah.
1357
01:30:21,124 --> 01:30:22,584
No, no.
1358
01:30:22,584 --> 01:30:25,253
- Oh... go, go, go, go, go.
- No, no, no. Wait, wait.
1359
01:31:11,091 --> 01:31:13,510
Oh, shit!
1360
01:31:15,762 --> 01:31:18,556
- Ho, ho!
1361
01:31:20,266 --> 01:31:21,476
Fuck!
1362
01:32:05,061 --> 01:32:07,731
- Fucking die.
1363
01:33:00,909 --> 01:33:02,786
Come on. Come on. Come on.
1364
01:33:02,786 --> 01:33:06,080
Yeah, over here. Over here.
1365
01:33:06,080 --> 01:33:07,332
Santa!
1366
01:33:08,291 --> 01:33:10,126
Come on!
1367
01:33:10,126 --> 01:33:11,586
Yeah.
1368
01:33:55,380 --> 01:33:56,631
Fuck.
1369
01:34:20,321 --> 01:34:22,365
You're real?
1370
01:34:23,741 --> 01:34:26,160
You're... him.
1371
01:34:29,163 --> 01:34:30,415
You're you.
1372
01:34:30,415 --> 01:34:33,126
That's what I've been trying
to tell you.
1373
01:34:33,126 --> 01:34:36,504
The real goddamn Santa Claus.
1374
01:34:36,504 --> 01:34:38,965
This is not your night, pal.
1375
01:34:38,965 --> 01:34:42,093
Oh, I don't know.
I think you're wrong.
1376
01:34:42,093 --> 01:34:45,513
I think my whole shitty life's
built up to this moment.
1377
01:34:45,513 --> 01:34:46,890
Because when I kill you,
1378
01:34:46,890 --> 01:34:50,184
this whole goddamn holiday
finally ends.
1379
01:34:51,936 --> 01:34:53,855
Whatever it takes...
1380
01:34:55,607 --> 01:34:57,692
...Christmas dies tonight.
1381
01:35:49,911 --> 01:35:51,579
Whoa!
1382
01:37:16,831 --> 01:37:19,417
The last Christmas.
1383
01:37:29,260 --> 01:37:31,888
Not if you still believe.
1384
01:37:33,681 --> 01:37:35,683
No!
1385
01:38:03,711 --> 01:38:07,381
I have no idea what the fuck
is going on here.
1386
01:38:09,759 --> 01:38:11,886
But this ends now.
1387
01:38:16,808 --> 01:38:18,601
Damn right it does.
1388
01:38:27,777 --> 01:38:29,946
Trudy, be careful.
1389
01:38:33,658 --> 01:38:35,576
Santa!
1390
01:38:35,576 --> 01:38:38,079
Oh, no. Santa.
1391
01:38:39,539 --> 01:38:41,082
Oh, no.
1392
01:38:47,880 --> 01:38:50,049
You saved my daughter.
1393
01:38:50,842 --> 01:38:52,385
No.
1394
01:38:53,177 --> 01:38:54,762
She saved me.
1395
01:38:54,762 --> 01:38:57,515
Help him. Please help him.
1396
01:38:57,515 --> 01:39:00,017
Honey, I don't think
there's anything we can do.
1397
01:39:00,017 --> 01:39:01,269
It's okay. It's okay.
1398
01:39:01,269 --> 01:39:03,604
It's too late for that.
1399
01:39:03,604 --> 01:39:05,940
Too late.
1400
01:39:06,732 --> 01:39:09,402
I'm cold.
1401
01:39:09,402 --> 01:39:11,654
I haven't felt cold in years.
1402
01:39:11,654 --> 01:39:13,698
We need to keep him warm.
1403
01:39:14,532 --> 01:39:16,951
All of the fires are going out.
1404
01:39:16,951 --> 01:39:19,245
We need to find
something to burn.
1405
01:39:20,580 --> 01:39:22,123
I got an idea.
1406
01:39:25,042 --> 01:39:27,003
Whoa.
1407
01:39:28,546 --> 01:39:29,964
No.
1408
01:39:29,964 --> 01:39:32,133
No, no, no, no. No, Jason, no.
1409
01:39:32,133 --> 01:39:33,259
Please, Santa.
1410
01:39:33,259 --> 01:39:36,262
I don't want you to die.
1411
01:39:39,348 --> 01:39:41,058
Jason, let's slow this down.
1412
01:39:41,058 --> 01:39:42,560
What are you doing?
1413
01:39:42,560 --> 01:39:45,855
I've lived longer
than any man should ever live.
1414
01:39:45,855 --> 01:39:48,566
He's pretty much dead.
What the hell is happening?
1415
01:39:48,566 --> 01:39:50,651
- You don't need to burn money.
- Okay. More. Yeah.
1416
01:39:50,651 --> 01:39:54,113
You can't die, Santa.
You have to get up.
1417
01:39:54,113 --> 01:39:56,657
I think I used up
all my Christmas magic.
1418
01:39:57,658 --> 01:39:59,285
Sorry.
1419
01:40:01,329 --> 01:40:05,082
I'm s... I'm sorry I can't
give you what you asked for.
1420
01:40:06,667 --> 01:40:08,961
Take that. Take that.
1421
01:40:08,961 --> 01:40:10,504
But you did.
1422
01:40:13,257 --> 01:40:15,593
Santa, please don't die.
1423
01:40:15,593 --> 01:40:18,137
Wake up. Wake up.
1424
01:40:18,137 --> 01:40:20,806
We need to get him
close to the fire.
1425
01:40:20,806 --> 01:40:22,683
Jason.
1426
01:40:23,434 --> 01:40:25,394
Just wake up.
1427
01:40:26,437 --> 01:40:27,813
Please.
1428
01:40:27,813 --> 01:40:29,690
No.
1429
01:40:34,028 --> 01:40:37,281
Oh, I am so, so sorry.
1430
01:40:42,203 --> 01:40:44,914
- This man...
1431
01:40:45,748 --> 01:40:49,585
This brave, brave man,
whoever he was...
1432
01:40:49,585 --> 01:40:50,878
He's Santa.
1433
01:40:50,878 --> 01:40:53,130
The real Santa. He is.
1434
01:40:53,130 --> 01:40:56,217
And I still believe in him.
1435
01:40:57,051 --> 01:40:59,720
I'll always believe in you,
Santa.
1436
01:41:04,350 --> 01:41:06,310
I believe in him, too.
1437
01:41:09,313 --> 01:41:12,149
He saved Trudy.
1438
01:41:12,149 --> 01:41:14,402
He saved our family.
1439
01:41:16,362 --> 01:41:18,698
What's realer than that?
1440
01:41:22,660 --> 01:41:24,453
Then maybe...
1441
01:41:26,956 --> 01:41:29,083
I believe in him, too.
1442
01:41:29,917 --> 01:41:31,460
So do I.
1443
01:41:32,503 --> 01:41:35,840
Oh, shit.
1444
01:41:35,840 --> 01:41:37,967
I guess...
1445
01:41:37,967 --> 01:41:40,052
I guess I do, too.
1446
01:41:40,052 --> 01:41:41,887
Fuck me.
1447
01:41:41,887 --> 01:41:43,681
I believe, too.
1448
01:41:54,108 --> 01:41:55,651
Oh, my God.
1449
01:41:55,651 --> 01:41:56,819
Santa!
1450
01:42:01,824 --> 01:42:03,367
You...
1451
01:42:05,119 --> 01:42:07,163
You were dead.
1452
01:42:07,955 --> 01:42:10,541
Christmas magic.
1453
01:42:10,541 --> 01:42:13,169
I still don't really
understand...
1454
01:42:13,169 --> 01:42:15,129
how it works.
1455
01:42:20,760 --> 01:42:22,678
Thank you.
1456
01:42:22,678 --> 01:42:24,722
I don't know
how we can ever repay you.
1457
01:42:24,722 --> 01:42:26,891
Well, you brought me back
from the dead,
1458
01:42:26,891 --> 01:42:28,476
so we'll call it even.
1459
01:42:29,643 --> 01:42:30,853
Even?
1460
01:42:30,853 --> 01:42:33,522
We just burned
half a million dollars.
1461
01:42:34,357 --> 01:42:35,983
- Look, Santa!
- Hmm?
1462
01:42:35,983 --> 01:42:37,360
Look who came.
1463
01:42:44,533 --> 01:42:48,079
Now you show up, huh?
1464
01:42:48,079 --> 01:42:49,538
You leave me here to die,
1465
01:42:49,538 --> 01:42:51,791
come back after
all the work's done, huh?
1466
01:42:51,791 --> 01:42:54,543
You know what? I should make
you guys into a stew
1467
01:42:54,543 --> 01:42:56,796
and feed you to the elves!
1468
01:42:58,756 --> 01:43:03,511
Yes, Blitzen!
Yes, I'm talking to you!
1469
01:43:03,511 --> 01:43:05,638
You, too, Prancer.
1470
01:43:11,018 --> 01:43:13,062
You got my sack.
1471
01:43:13,062 --> 01:43:17,358
My spare... You went home
and you got my spare sack?
1472
01:43:19,235 --> 01:43:21,987
Oh, God, I can't stay mad
at you guys.
1473
01:43:21,987 --> 01:43:23,572
I...
1474
01:43:23,572 --> 01:43:27,952
Aw. I can't. I can't.
1475
01:43:27,952 --> 01:43:30,704
Aw.
1476
01:43:31,747 --> 01:43:33,874
Aw.
1477
01:43:44,760 --> 01:43:46,303
Hello, beautiful.
1478
01:43:46,303 --> 01:43:48,222
Skullcrusher!
1479
01:44:01,235 --> 01:44:02,903
Guess this is goodbye.
1480
01:44:02,903 --> 01:44:04,363
I got to go.
1481
01:44:05,239 --> 01:44:07,366
Do you have to?
1482
01:44:10,661 --> 01:44:12,830
It's Christmas Eve,
and there's a lot of...
1483
01:44:12,830 --> 01:44:14,540
boys and girls on the nice list
1484
01:44:14,540 --> 01:44:16,959
that want their presents,
you know?
1485
01:44:19,086 --> 01:44:20,754
Thank you.
1486
01:44:21,755 --> 01:44:23,340
For what?
1487
01:44:23,340 --> 01:44:25,009
For believing in me.
1488
01:44:25,009 --> 01:44:28,345
For reminding me
that Christmas still matters.
1489
01:44:29,930 --> 01:44:32,391
And that I still...
1490
01:44:32,391 --> 01:44:34,768
matter.
1491
01:44:36,312 --> 01:44:38,481
You gave me
my "ho, ho, ho" back.
1492
01:44:48,365 --> 01:44:50,701
All right. Get out of here.
1493
01:44:54,413 --> 01:44:57,333
Merry Christmas!
1494
01:44:59,877 --> 01:45:01,128
Hyah!
1495
01:45:01,128 --> 01:45:04,507
Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer!
1496
01:45:04,507 --> 01:45:06,634
Now, Prancer and Vixen!
1497
01:45:06,634 --> 01:45:10,137
On, Comet! On, Cupid!
1498
01:45:10,137 --> 01:45:13,140
On, Donner and Blitzen!
1499
01:45:13,140 --> 01:45:16,727
Come on, you beautiful bastards!
1500
01:45:16,727 --> 01:45:20,105
We've got some work to do!
1501
01:45:20,105 --> 01:45:23,150
Hyah!
1502
01:45:23,150 --> 01:45:25,861
Ho, ho, ho!
1503
01:45:25,861 --> 01:45:29,073
Merry Christmas!
1504
01:46:57,369 --> 01:46:59,538
Hey, yo!
What's Gucci, squad fam?
1505
01:46:59,538 --> 01:47:02,625
It's the Bert Locker,
living the dream.
1506
01:47:02,625 --> 01:47:04,710
You know what? See this guy?
Dead as hell.
1507
01:47:04,710 --> 01:47:06,503
Santa's real, all right?
1508
01:47:06,503 --> 01:47:08,380
Don't end up
on the naughty list.
1509
01:47:08,380 --> 01:47:09,632
Do better.
1510
01:47:09,632 --> 01:47:11,759
Bert Lightstone out.
96069
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