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This is German TV
with the Tagesschau news program.
2
00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:04,022
Today in the USA, one of NASA's
most ambitious space projects has begun.
3
00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:07,276
The space probe, Voyager,
launched from Cape Canaveral,
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00:01:07,526 --> 00:01:10,821
will explore the boundaries
of our planetary system.
5
00:01:10,988 --> 00:01:14,866
On board, an array of cameras,
sensors and the Golden Record,
6
00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:19,496
which contains Einstein's theories,
music from Chuck Berry,
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00:01:19,663 --> 00:01:22,666
and greetings in 60 languages.
8
00:01:30,966 --> 00:01:36,096
In addition, the disc contains selected
video recordings about human history,
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00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:38,849
in case it is found by alien life.
10
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:42,728
While passing Uranus
the interstellar probe Voyager II
11
00:01:42,894 --> 00:01:45,647
discovered another ring
around the planet.
12
00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:49,401
Voyager II continues its journey
on the other side of Uranus...
13
00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:54,865
Voyager II sent new images of Neptune
to the ground control in California.
14
00:01:55,032 --> 00:01:59,119
The probe launched in 1977 and will exit
our solar system in three years.
15
00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:02,331
There is no evidence of alien life.
16
00:02:07,002 --> 00:02:10,088
THE HISTORY OF MANKIND
17
00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:12,466
(SLIGHTLY ABRIDGED)
18
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:17,471
JANUARY 27, 2050
19
00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:23,537
Oh, it's started. Okay.
20
00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:25,664
Steve, is it running?
21
00:03:25,831 --> 00:03:27,249
Okay-
22
00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:30,502
Hello. Greetings.
23
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:34,798
My name is Dr. Gerhard Friedle,
and I work
24
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:37,300
for the American space agency, NASA,
25
00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:39,636
on the planet Earth.
26
00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:44,433
If you can see me right now,
you probably have more than just an eye.
27
00:03:44,683 --> 00:03:48,228
You'll very likely be
a highly developed alien species
28
00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:50,856
that has found our Voyager II probe.
29
00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:54,276
I, Dr. Gerhard Friedle,
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have the important historical task
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of instructing you on
the history of our home planet, Earth,
32
00:04:01,158 --> 00:04:04,911
and on our species, humankind, in brief.
33
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:07,748
So, then, if we meet in a few eons,
34
00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:10,083
we can shake each other's...
35
00:04:11,877 --> 00:04:14,379
tentacles, hooves, flippers...
36
00:04:14,546 --> 00:04:16,465
Whatever growths you have.
37
00:04:16,631 --> 00:04:21,970
Without wanting to offend you,
those things can be terribly unsightly.
38
00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:25,891
Just kidding.
39
00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:31,480
Let's start from the very beginning.
40
00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:35,150
My species hasn't always been
as highly intelligent
41
00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:39,112
and gorgeous as the specimen
speaking to you now.
42
00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:41,823
No.
43
00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:46,995
Life on Earth began quite primitively
3.8 billion years ago,
44
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with single-celled organisms,
45
00:04:49,372 --> 00:04:53,001
near the hot volcanic deep-sea smokers
46
00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:55,170
in our oceans.
47
00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:18,527
Hey, what's a sweet unicellular thing
like you doing here all alone?
48
00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:20,904
-Aw, please no!
-What's up?
49
00:05:21,071 --> 00:05:22,989
What do you say we replicate?
50
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:25,158
Thanks, but I'll manage alone.
51
00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:28,995
Sure, but I heard we could become
far more complex
52
00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:31,331
if we combined genetic material.
53
00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:33,458
You could do with that for sure.
54
00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:35,961
Huh? Ah, funny.
55
00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:37,504
Right.
56
00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:40,465
Come on,
duplicating alone is totally lame
57
00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:42,467
and makes you dumb.
58
00:05:42,717 --> 00:05:44,803
Look at them, after millions of years.
59
00:05:45,136 --> 00:05:46,179
Hello!
60
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,640
-Replicate!
-Replicate.
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00:05:49,808 --> 00:05:51,142
Uh... Okay.
62
00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:53,645
I mean, okay, we can give it a try.
63
00:05:53,895 --> 00:05:56,064
Yo, nice! Then...
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00:05:56,314 --> 00:05:58,191
let's go, baby! Yeah!
65
00:05:59,818 --> 00:06:02,404
-Is this kicking, or what?
-Whoa! Ew!
66
00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:04,865
Fresh! Have we got it going on, or what?
67
00:06:05,115 --> 00:06:06,616
What's going on?
68
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,910
Oh, jeez! We're mutating!
69
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:12,122
-Mu... What?
-What I was just going on about, dude.
70
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,708
We're moving
to the next level of evolution.
71
00:06:14,958 --> 00:06:17,127
-Cool, right?
-Cool?
72
00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:22,090
What if we eventually develop
into highly complex beings
73
00:06:22,257 --> 00:06:26,511
who rise to the top of the food chain,
oppress all other life forms
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00:06:26,678 --> 00:06:31,057
and ruthlessly exploit Earth's resources
until it's more dismal than it is now?
75
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:32,893
Huh?
76
00:06:33,518 --> 00:06:34,728
Oh, fuck.
77
00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:37,480
Yeah, but it's like big-time unlikely
78
00:06:37,647 --> 00:06:40,150
that's exactly what will occur, right?
79
00:06:41,693 --> 00:06:43,945
Sadly, that's just what occurred.
80
00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:48,867
Despite ice ages, meteorite impacts,
and slightly higher PM levels...
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00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:51,202
40,000 BCE - LASCAUX CAVE
82
00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:54,539
mammals managed
to spread across the globe.
83
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,125
First and foremost, humans,
84
00:06:57,292 --> 00:07:00,337
who conquered the planet like weeds.
85
00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:04,841
In the end,
two competing species remained.
86
00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:06,384
Homo neanderthalensis,
87
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:09,137
the Neanderthal,
88
00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:11,598
and Homo sapiens.
89
00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:15,685
But only one species should prevail.
90
00:07:20,231 --> 00:07:22,317
Look at those stupid flat brows.
91
00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:26,780
Yeah, and how their chins
barely protrude sure makes me laugh.
92
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:29,658
Greetings.
93
00:07:30,325 --> 00:07:32,452
We come from the north,
94
00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:36,081
seeking warmer territories
where we can settle.
95
00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:41,086
Why is it allowed to speak?
96
00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:44,756
Men and women are equal in our tribe.
97
00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:46,800
And why shouldn't they be?
98
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:49,594
Sure, right. Why shouldn't they be'?
99
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:55,141
May I make a proposal?
100
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:59,479
Why can't our two groups
just live here together in peace?
101
00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:03,024
And females and males being equal
is a good idea too.
102
00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:10,782
Um, sorry for the incident.
103
00:08:10,949 --> 00:08:13,284
Us living together is
out of the question.
104
00:08:13,451 --> 00:08:14,452
Why?
105
00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:18,206
It would be of great benefit to you
if our peoples mixed.
106
00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:23,044
-I don't understand.
-Yes, I'd say that's exactly why.
107
00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:27,215
If my eyes don't deceive me,
you use extremely primitive tools.
108
00:08:27,465 --> 00:08:29,634
You're not settled.
109
00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:32,429
And you don't even bury your feces yet.
110
00:08:34,431 --> 00:08:37,809
-What's wrong with that?
-It transmits disease.
111
00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:39,561
Who says?
112
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97 percent of shamans agree
that feces transmit disease.
113
00:08:43,314 --> 00:08:47,152
Yeah, but we know one shaman
who says that's total nonsense.
114
00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:51,656
Your shamans are just screwing with us.
Not with us!
115
00:08:51,906 --> 00:08:53,074
Liars!
116
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Lying shamans!
117
00:08:54,909 --> 00:08:57,245
Lying shamans! Lying shamans!
118
00:08:57,495 --> 00:08:59,247
Lying shamans!
119
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Man, just listen!
120
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:04,335
In the name of reason,
121
00:09:04,502 --> 00:09:08,089
let us establish a society together
122
00:09:08,339 --> 00:09:12,510
that relies on prudence, reason, logic
and the laws of nature.
123
00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:15,513
So that we can continually evolve
124
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:19,559
and become
an intelligent and peaceful species.
125
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:23,104
Yes, a society
in which men and women are equal,
126
00:09:23,354 --> 00:09:25,231
one without discrimination,
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00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:29,235
that lives in harmony
with nature and our planet.
128
00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:33,156
Well?
129
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,075
One tribe must die.
130
00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:37,786
We'll decide that as we always do.
131
00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:42,457
We'll play round stone,
pointy stone, flat stone.
132
00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:46,044
Just wait.
133
00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:49,130
You can start. You are the alpha male.
134
00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:50,924
You have lord's right.
135
00:09:51,174 --> 00:09:54,219
-See! There you go.
-Now then.
136
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:03,895
-This is madness, this is!
-Looks like we won.
137
00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:07,023
But, again,
you may live here in peace with us.
138
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:10,235
No, if you lose, you lose.
Grab your clubs, people.
139
00:10:10,401 --> 00:10:12,862
Beat whoever's next to you to death.
140
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:15,031
You have a nice day.
141
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:29,212
That works too.
142
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:31,923
Right, we're moving on.
143
00:10:38,596 --> 00:10:42,767
But burying your feces did sound
like sensible advice.
144
00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:50,275
And so the dumber, more aggressive link
in our ancestral chain survived,
145
00:10:50,441 --> 00:10:54,154
and continued its rise
to the top of the food chain.
146
00:10:54,779 --> 00:10:58,950
But even the stupid Homo sapiens
eventually settled.
147
00:10:59,117 --> 00:11:01,870
They learned how to cook food.
148
00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:05,373
And they invented tools,
such as the hammer,
149
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:07,876
the plough
150
00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:10,044
and, of course, the wheel.
151
00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:12,714
The...
152
00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:16,509
Oh, that was...
That was just a Halloween costume.
153
00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:19,679
You can't even...
Steve, there'll be consequences.
154
00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:21,556
Where was I?
155
00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:25,476
Oh, yes. Humans also invented
many other useful things.
156
00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:29,314
For example, weapons, wars and borders.
157
00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:33,693
SHANDONG PROVINCE
7TH CENTURY BCE
158
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:39,616
One of the most impressive borders
was built on the Asian continent.
159
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:42,577
Earth's very famous and well-loved,
160
00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:44,662
Great Wall of China.
161
00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:49,209
To construct this monumental structure,
162
00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:54,172
they called together
the most skilled artisans in the world.
163
00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:56,049
Both of them.
164
00:11:57,383 --> 00:12:00,595
Well, lick me sideways.
That was one hell of a ride.
165
00:12:00,762 --> 00:12:03,431
Lots of land here. Eh, Horst?
166
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:08,061
-Do we give them fellas a tip?
-Nope, that's impolite.
167
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,979
I'd say so.
168
00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:12,690
Ah, here's our welcoming party.
169
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,527
Howdy!
170
00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:20,240
Konopke Builders from Berlin.
This is my colleague Jürgen.
171
00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:23,868
-Ni hao-llo there!
-Oh and travel expenses come on top.
172
00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:27,080
First, I welcome you
to the Middle Kingdom.
173
00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:30,333
-Apropos middle... Isn't it midday?
-You said it.
174
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,835
-What's the plan, pal?
-Well ...
175
00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:36,047
the Emperor has a vision.
176
00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:39,092
Must be from the old incense sticks.
177
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,427
Or from all the MSG in the food.
178
00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:44,472
-We wish him a speedy recovery.
-Yeah.
179
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:49,811
Emperor Qin Shi Huang wishes to have
a wall along the border of his empire.
180
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:51,813
A wall?
181
00:12:53,064 --> 00:12:55,233
Here, in the middle of China?
182
00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:57,443
Well, I'm out.
183
00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:02,073
Because that belongs to Mr. Ching,
and that over there to Mr. Chong?
184
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:05,076
They're round the bend.
Come on, let's scram.
185
00:13:05,243 --> 00:13:07,745
Why do you want a wall here?
186
00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:10,123
I could picture
a wall in Berlin one day,
187
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:14,669
but why would anyone have any intention
to build a wall here?
188
00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:17,880
No getting a foundation
into this dang permafrost.
189
00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:19,799
Was that in his fortune cookie?
190
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:21,676
A slipped disc is just what I need.
191
00:13:21,843 --> 00:13:24,137
No, we can cut this short.
192
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,556
This idea is bonkers. Not interested.
193
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:30,893
-Your refusal will aggrieve the Emperor.
-Yep. We can live with that.
194
00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:32,979
Sadly, you can't.
195
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:37,358
As you now know the Emperor's secret,
I must have you buried alive.
196
00:13:39,861 --> 00:13:41,571
Yeah, well...
197
00:13:42,071 --> 00:13:45,325
I mean, a wall could look good out here.
198
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:47,660
Yeah, it's got something, Horst.
199
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,704
With all this green,
200
00:13:49,871 --> 00:13:51,372
and the rock.
201
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:55,376
Plonk the beast down right here.
It's a dream.
202
00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:59,422
The Emperor wishes the wall
to be visible from the moon.
203
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:03,051
-Sure, we'd have done that anyway.
-It's standard practice.
204
00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:05,178
I thank you, Master Konopke.
205
00:14:05,428 --> 00:14:08,389
Can you assure me you'll finish
by the Year of the Dragon?
206
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:09,766
Well...
207
00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:11,684
What year is it now?
208
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:15,438
Rat, ox, tiger, rabbit... pig, I think.
209
00:14:15,605 --> 00:14:18,900
That's going to be
a tight pair of pants,
210
00:14:19,150 --> 00:14:21,569
but Konopke Builders
never let anyone down.
211
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,948
Good.
Send a messenger to me when you finish.
212
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:30,036
-You got it.
-He can bring #87 with peanut sauce too.
213
00:14:31,162 --> 00:14:33,122
I'm just joking.
214
00:14:38,961 --> 00:14:41,881
13 YEARS LATER
IN THE YEAR OF THE DRAGON (655 BCE)
215
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:46,135
Son of a bitch, Horst!
That was hard work.
216
00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:47,720
You don't say.
217
00:14:48,346 --> 00:14:52,725
Only those ass-chewers in Babylon were
loonier, with their hanging gardens.
218
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,395
Customers!
219
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:57,980
Payman & Sons.
220
00:14:59,816 --> 00:15:01,317
Been a while.
221
00:15:01,484 --> 00:15:03,319
But I remember that face.
222
00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:08,074
I bear greetings from the Emperor.
223
00:15:08,324 --> 00:15:11,702
-Back at him.
-The customer's king, or Emperor here.
224
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:18,543
But where... where is the wall?
225
00:15:18,793 --> 00:15:22,046
Sorry, cart's blocking it.
Jürgen, he wants to see the wall.
226
00:15:22,213 --> 00:15:23,965
And he should.
227
00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:26,801
On three. Three!
228
00:15:27,343 --> 00:15:29,804
One Wall of China...
229
00:15:29,971 --> 00:15:31,222
Right,
230
00:15:31,389 --> 00:15:32,974
here's the beaut'.
231
00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:35,768
I'd have been surprised
if it had skedaddled.
232
00:15:36,018 --> 00:15:37,645
-But...
-Ah!
233
00:15:37,895 --> 00:15:41,524
I think this architectural masterpiece
has left Mr. Lee speechless.
234
00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:45,611
-For good reason, Horst.
-Architectural masterpiece?
235
00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:49,657
I said the Emperor wants a wall
that's visible from the moon!
236
00:15:51,826 --> 00:15:53,411
Oh! I see.
237
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:55,955
Visible from the moon.
238
00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:59,917
I guess we got our wires crossed.
239
00:16:00,168 --> 00:16:04,005
We built it
so you can see the moon from the wall.
240
00:16:04,589 --> 00:16:06,632
And that works just dandy.
241
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,509
Yeah. Look.
242
00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:10,470
Moon. Works like a charm.
243
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:14,724
It was supposed to be 15 meters high
and at least 2,000 kilometers long!
244
00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:19,312
Yet another misunderstanding.
245
00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:21,772
Maybe it's the language barrier.
246
00:16:22,023 --> 00:16:24,901
-You don't speak clear Berlin dialect.
-Great.
247
00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:28,029
That's what happens
when customers are unclear.
248
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:33,075
Say hi to your emperor, but that's
the last job Konopke has done for you.
249
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:36,913
Indeed.
250
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:46,005
Right, a proposal as a sign of goodwill.
251
00:16:46,255 --> 00:16:49,467
We'll be glad to put another row on top
as a courtesy.
252
00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:52,303
-Or two!
-Well, don't overdo it, Jürgen.
253
00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:54,555
It has to be worth our while.
254
00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:58,476
While people in China spent
the next centuries
255
00:16:58,643 --> 00:17:02,230
constructing walls
and deconstructing human rights,
256
00:17:02,396 --> 00:17:05,316
another trend took off in Europe,
257
00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:06,859
philosophy-
258
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,778
POLIS, ATHENS
421 BCE
259
00:17:08,945 --> 00:17:12,406
Greek philosophers were
the rock stars of their era.
260
00:17:12,573 --> 00:17:17,036
My fellow Greeks!
We welcome you to Monsters of Philo!
261
00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:19,372
Here, in the Old Bifteki in Athens.
262
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:22,458
Welcome the three freshest
philosophers we have.
263
00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:26,796
Here are Aristoteles, Plato
264
00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:30,424
and Socrates!
265
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:37,890
Are you ready for rhetoric?
266
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:41,978
Ready for the lexical semantics
of the most influential sophists?
267
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:44,689
-Take it off!
-Ready for...
268
00:17:44,939 --> 00:17:47,191
...philosophy?
269
00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,778
You're the hottest!
270
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:54,115
Okay, friends!
271
00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:57,785
Today, we have
a few systems theory approaches.
272
00:17:57,952 --> 00:18:00,788
Really sick ones! Are you ready?
273
00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:04,709
Here we go!
274
00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:16,470
The whole is greater
than the sum of its parts.
275
00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:19,599
That's right!
276
00:18:26,022 --> 00:18:30,401
Knowing oneself is
the first of all sciences.
277
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,528
Awesome!
278
00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:40,536
He who knows not and knows not
that he knows not is a fool.
279
00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:43,956
-Avoid him.
-I will!
280
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:47,126
Plato, I'm think you're totally great!
281
00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:53,507
Let him that would move the world
282
00:18:53,758 --> 00:18:55,843
first move himself.
283
00:18:57,511 --> 00:19:02,266
He who wants to build high towers
must dwell long on the foundation.
284
00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:04,852
Socrates! Socrates!
285
00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:06,812
Socrates...
286
00:19:10,191 --> 00:19:12,777
Okay, that's it for today.
Get home safely.
287
00:19:13,027 --> 00:19:17,573
Next week we'll be in Pompeii
at the Dance on the Volcano Festival!
288
00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:21,535
Don't let the Romans enslave you!
289
00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:23,579
Yeah! Screw the Romans!
290
00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:25,623
Encore!
291
00:19:25,790 --> 00:19:27,541
Encore!
292
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:30,419
-Shall we do an encore?
-No way.
293
00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:32,963
Encore! Encore!
294
00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:42,181
That wasn't it, was it?
295
00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:44,725
They weren't even on for ten minutes.
296
00:19:44,892 --> 00:19:48,270
I saw them in Sparta and
it was the same. Always eight minutes.
297
00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:52,483
-A quarter drachma for that?
-Who cares. It was awesome all the same.
298
00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:54,652
Yes, super awesome!
299
00:19:54,819 --> 00:19:56,987
You, you and... you.
300
00:19:57,405 --> 00:19:59,490
Up for some fun backstage?
301
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,535
Come on.
302
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:05,913
What about me?
303
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,332
Oh, sorry, sweetheart.
304
00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:09,500
Yes!
305
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:15,172
Even in ancient Greece,
not everything was democratic,
306
00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:19,677
even if they had the crazed idea
to give all the power to the people.
307
00:20:19,844 --> 00:20:22,847
To ensure not everyone would dream
of endless power
308
00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:27,017
a few especially able representatives
of Homo sapiens invented something
309
00:20:27,184 --> 00:20:31,480
that gave them absolute power
and enslaved everyone else.
310
00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:36,444
Something they could use to sell
even the biggest bunkum as truth.
311
00:20:37,862 --> 00:20:40,406
COMMERCIAL BREAK
312
00:20:41,198 --> 00:20:42,700
Commercial break.
313
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:46,412
Move, you lazy dogs!
314
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,456
We all know the problem.
315
00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:52,209
Hello, I'm Mentuhotep ll,
316
00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:55,087
and I'm a pharaoh in the 9th dynasty.
317
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,298
Here, in ancient Egypt.
318
00:20:57,465 --> 00:21:02,845
Until now, my ancestors were buried
in primitive rock-cut tombs.
319
00:21:04,638 --> 00:21:07,349
I'm sure you've experienced
this situation too.
320
00:21:07,516 --> 00:21:10,644
I'm Rufus lronpelt
from the ancient Celtic tribe,
321
00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:13,272
here in beautiful Gaul.
322
00:21:13,522 --> 00:21:17,526
Until now, we couldn't explain
crop failures due to erratic weather.
323
00:21:17,693 --> 00:21:19,987
I'm sure you're familiar with this too.
324
00:21:20,154 --> 00:21:23,282
And I am Patros Papadopoulos.
325
00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:28,913
I don't like to work much, but am still
ravenously hungry most of the time.
326
00:21:29,580 --> 00:21:31,874
I like to live the high life.
327
00:21:33,501 --> 00:21:36,796
Is there something
to solve all of our problems?
328
00:21:36,962 --> 00:21:38,839
Yes, there is.
329
00:21:39,340 --> 00:21:42,092
Because now there is religion.
330
00:21:42,718 --> 00:21:43,719
NEW!
331
00:21:43,886 --> 00:21:48,724
Use your made-up gods to have slaves
build you a phat pyramid in the desert.
332
00:21:48,891 --> 00:21:50,267
Move! Move!
333
00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:52,269
Your key to immortality.
334
00:21:52,436 --> 00:21:54,146
I'm already in my mid-20s.
335
00:21:54,313 --> 00:21:57,399
Blame the gods
for natural disasters right now
336
00:21:57,566 --> 00:22:00,319
and placate them
by simply sacrificing a virgin.
337
00:22:00,486 --> 00:22:03,781
Of course,
I'll keep the pretty ones for myself.
338
00:22:05,783 --> 00:22:07,868
But religion can do so much more.
339
00:22:08,035 --> 00:22:12,122
Threaten Divine retribution to get
whatever you want from anyone,
340
00:22:12,373 --> 00:22:14,124
without any recompense.
341
00:22:14,291 --> 00:22:16,085
Just marvelous.
342
00:22:16,252 --> 00:22:18,254
The perfect solution for me.
343
00:22:18,420 --> 00:22:22,675
Yes, religion starts
where common sense stops.
344
00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:25,427
Religion, for a better life
345
00:22:25,594 --> 00:22:28,264
Religion, for a better life.
346
00:22:28,514 --> 00:22:31,642
Only for the elite who have no qualms
about using a fictive being
347
00:22:31,809 --> 00:22:34,478
to oppress, exploit, kill
and get rich off others.
348
00:22:35,396 --> 00:22:38,107
The invention of religion was
an immediate hit.
349
00:22:38,274 --> 00:22:39,692
29 CE
350
00:22:39,859 --> 00:22:45,239
A young carpenter's son from Palestine
welcomed this new tool as an alternative
351
00:22:45,489 --> 00:22:50,828
to an apprenticeship involving nonsense
like physical labor and early mornings.
352
00:22:52,204 --> 00:22:55,165
Right, I'll try it again, differently.
353
00:22:58,294 --> 00:23:01,088
Jesus of Nazareth, due to...
354
00:23:01,338 --> 00:23:05,467
well, I'll call them
"unusual" circumstances,
355
00:23:05,634 --> 00:23:09,054
I find myself
in the thankless situation of having
356
00:23:09,305 --> 00:23:12,766
to charge you with high treason
against the Roman people.
357
00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:18,063
I shall again give you
the reasonable and simple opportunity
358
00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:22,151
to officially recant your claim
to be King of the Jews,
359
00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:27,031
by which you put yourself
above Roman sovereignty in Palestine.
360
00:23:27,197 --> 00:23:31,785
Can I now, in order to avoid greater
and, above all, unnecessary hassle,
361
00:23:32,036 --> 00:23:35,289
count on your insight
and good judgement?
362
00:23:41,795 --> 00:23:46,800
What is he asking?
If he can count on my good judgement?
363
00:23:47,635 --> 00:23:49,887
There's only one answer to that.
364
00:23:52,848 --> 00:23:55,142
Kiss my ass!
365
00:23:55,392 --> 00:23:57,770
You stupid Pig!
366
00:23:58,020 --> 00:23:59,772
This is unbelievable!
367
00:23:59,939 --> 00:24:01,857
I'm nearly 30 years old.
368
00:24:02,024 --> 00:24:05,819
I won't bear the cross of having
some illiterate tell me this hogwash.
369
00:24:05,986 --> 00:24:08,530
Hands off me! I can endure this alone.
370
00:24:08,697 --> 00:24:11,200
Your behavior is so inept and idiotic.
371
00:24:11,450 --> 00:24:14,328
You should know
that I'm quite easy to deal with.
372
00:24:14,578 --> 00:24:16,997
-I tried.
-When you're careful with me.
373
00:24:17,164 --> 00:24:19,959
Watch as I wash my hands of...
374
00:24:24,672 --> 00:24:26,590
He was annoying me.
375
00:24:28,133 --> 00:24:29,468
Ow!
376
00:24:29,718 --> 00:24:31,345
You're hurting me.
377
00:24:38,602 --> 00:24:42,731
Delinquents, the court has found you
guilty of high treason.
378
00:24:43,983 --> 00:24:46,860
And so, you are to be tied
with soft silk cloths
379
00:24:47,027 --> 00:24:49,196
to this cross,
380
00:24:49,363 --> 00:24:52,616
until your wrists get rubbed up real bad
381
00:24:52,783 --> 00:24:54,827
and you repent your sins.
382
00:24:55,327 --> 00:24:58,080
However, not for more than 20 minutes
383
00:24:59,081 --> 00:25:03,127
as that can lead
to cardiovascular issues and sunstroke.
384
00:25:03,919 --> 00:25:05,421
What was that?
385
00:25:05,587 --> 00:25:08,674
Did you hear that? What an asshole!
Tying us!
386
00:25:08,841 --> 00:25:11,135
With damnable silk cloths.
387
00:25:11,301 --> 00:25:13,303
Nail me to it, I say.
388
00:25:13,804 --> 00:25:17,433
Go, Judas, get the hammer
and the rusty nails you were to bring.
389
00:25:17,599 --> 00:25:20,811
-Are you out of your mind?
-That's why you wanted these?
390
00:25:21,061 --> 00:25:23,022
That's bound to hurt like hell.
391
00:25:23,647 --> 00:25:25,816
Another wise guy, eh?
392
00:25:25,983 --> 00:25:28,110
You've got enough to do deal with.
393
00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:33,657
How is a guy supposed to become
a martyr for all of Christianity,
394
00:25:33,824 --> 00:25:37,286
when he's tied up
with these goddamn silk cloths?
395
00:25:37,536 --> 00:25:40,789
Water? Anyone thirsty?
Cloths too tight? Sunblock?
396
00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:42,708
No, thanks. All good here.
397
00:25:42,958 --> 00:25:45,711
Go on, Judas. We don't have all day.
And you...
398
00:25:45,961 --> 00:25:48,589
-I'm John.
-All the same to me. Go!
399
00:25:48,839 --> 00:25:52,259
Make me a crown of thorns,
but only use big, sharp ones.
400
00:25:52,426 --> 00:25:56,472
I want the blood
to really stream down my kisser.
401
00:25:56,722 --> 00:25:59,224
-I can't watch. I'm out.
-Scram, you idiot!
402
00:25:59,850 --> 00:26:02,394
You don't have any purpose here anyway.
403
00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:05,230
I want people to be scared shitless
404
00:26:05,397 --> 00:26:08,984
at the sight of the mere symbol
of my selfless sacrifice.
405
00:26:09,234 --> 00:26:10,778
You got me?
406
00:26:19,828 --> 00:26:22,414
Here. It sure rubs, doesn't it?
407
00:26:22,581 --> 00:26:23,916
Definitely.
408
00:26:24,083 --> 00:26:27,294
You can almost see pressure marks
on my wrists.
409
00:26:27,461 --> 00:26:29,588
I've definitely learned my lesson.
410
00:26:29,755 --> 00:26:32,424
-Once again, thank you so much.
-Oh!
411
00:26:34,134 --> 00:26:36,095
What'? Pressure marks?
412
00:26:36,261 --> 00:26:40,307
Clear off with your damn pressure marks,
you wussy!
413
00:26:40,557 --> 00:26:43,185
Judas and whoever you are, listen to me.
414
00:26:43,435 --> 00:26:48,190
Wait till I'm unconscious, then drag me
to that damn cave I showed you.
415
00:26:48,357 --> 00:26:53,612
And tell everyone
that I died on the cross for their sins.
416
00:26:54,029 --> 00:26:58,450
And roll a stone in front of it,
but don't make it too big, you cretins.
417
00:26:58,700 --> 00:27:01,537
I'm just the Son of God, not Hercules.
418
00:27:02,162 --> 00:27:04,957
-Should we really do that?
-Of course!
419
00:27:05,207 --> 00:27:07,584
You bunch of morons!
420
00:27:08,502 --> 00:27:10,754
-He's not all there.
-Really.
421
00:27:10,921 --> 00:27:12,714
I heard that.
422
00:27:13,298 --> 00:27:14,716
Judas.
423
00:27:15,551 --> 00:27:17,553
You traitor!
424
00:27:18,387 --> 00:27:19,721
You...
425
00:27:19,888 --> 00:27:21,431
ass...
426
00:27:22,057 --> 00:27:24,560
hole!
427
00:27:28,272 --> 00:27:34,278
A slightly sugar-coated version of that
was recorded and passed on to humanity.
428
00:27:34,444 --> 00:27:37,990
But, all in all,
his cunning plan was a success.
429
00:27:38,157 --> 00:27:42,744
Conveniently enough, Christianity
was born along with Jesus Christ.
430
00:27:42,995 --> 00:27:46,331
It had no use
for logic, reason and such baloney.
431
00:27:46,498 --> 00:27:48,500
We touched on that earlier.
432
00:27:48,667 --> 00:27:52,713
Over the ensuing centuries,
it continued to stick a hand blender
433
00:27:52,963 --> 00:27:55,174
into the toilet bowl of history,
434
00:27:55,340 --> 00:27:58,427
to formulate it somewhat rudely.
435
00:28:00,053 --> 00:28:04,099
A few peoples in the far north
refused to be proselytized.
436
00:28:04,266 --> 00:28:06,310
COAST OF SUSSEX
933 CE
437
00:28:06,476 --> 00:28:12,482
Their attacks consisted of a lively mix
of violence, destruction and barbarity.
438
00:28:12,649 --> 00:28:15,903
Most feared was the famous Viking leader
439
00:28:17,112 --> 00:28:18,989
Erik the Red.
440
00:28:22,993 --> 00:28:24,411
Men.
441
00:28:25,495 --> 00:28:28,999
Before we attack the village,
I wanted to talk to you again.
442
00:28:30,500 --> 00:28:33,295
There's been an uptick
in complaints recently.
443
00:28:33,921 --> 00:28:35,797
How should I put this?
444
00:28:36,048 --> 00:28:40,427
Unfortunately, there is
growing criticism that we are too...
445
00:28:43,847 --> 00:28:44,848
violent.
446
00:28:47,893 --> 00:28:50,729
Don't get me wrong,
violence is part of it.
447
00:28:50,979 --> 00:28:54,900
And when it comes to shoving
a guy's own gonads in his mouth,
448
00:28:55,067 --> 00:28:57,694
I'm not one
to get on my moral high horse.
449
00:28:57,861 --> 00:29:00,989
On the other hand,
this isn't the 9th century anymore.
450
00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:02,908
No, the 10th.
451
00:29:03,075 --> 00:29:04,493
Times change.
452
00:29:04,743 --> 00:29:08,872
Violence is a great thing, no doubt,
but it can't be an end in itself.
453
00:29:10,499 --> 00:29:13,752
But we can still gouge out
those damn Scots' eyes, right?
454
00:29:13,919 --> 00:29:16,672
Yes, yes. But only if you have to.
455
00:29:17,631 --> 00:29:20,467
Yeah, but then with a red-hot iron rod.
456
00:29:20,634 --> 00:29:23,595
Now that's a good example
Uwe's given us.
457
00:29:24,179 --> 00:29:26,181
Maybe using a knife will do.
458
00:29:27,057 --> 00:29:29,101
Yeah, of course.
459
00:29:29,351 --> 00:29:32,604
Yeah, all right.
But it'll eventually lose its appeal.
460
00:29:32,854 --> 00:29:35,107
-It sizzles so nicely.
-Yes, I know.
461
00:29:35,274 --> 00:29:38,443
Can we still burn women
in front of their husbands?
462
00:29:38,694 --> 00:29:40,612
Tough call. Not really.
463
00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:41,863
What'?
464
00:29:42,114 --> 00:29:44,449
-Husbands in front of their wives?
-Nah.
465
00:29:44,616 --> 00:29:47,452
Burning people
in front of their families,
466
00:29:47,619 --> 00:29:50,998
I'd really like to cut back
on that kind of thing.
467
00:29:51,873 --> 00:29:53,292
Seriously?
468
00:29:53,542 --> 00:29:56,962
But then we really can't
do anything anymore.
469
00:29:57,212 --> 00:30:00,048
On the topic of women,
I'll just say this now.
470
00:30:00,215 --> 00:30:04,636
We've received criticism
that men are too dominant in our group.
471
00:30:05,929 --> 00:30:10,017
So from now on we'll pillage
with 20 percent women.
472
00:30:11,268 --> 00:30:12,978
That's crazy.
473
00:30:13,228 --> 00:30:15,689
-You can't be serious!
-That's it.
474
00:30:15,856 --> 00:30:18,692
We put up with a lot,
but pillaging with women?
475
00:30:19,318 --> 00:30:21,194
They aren't even capable...
476
00:30:25,365 --> 00:30:28,952
Thank you, Gudrun.
Now the proportion is just about right.
477
00:30:30,162 --> 00:30:33,415
Question. How about quartering?
Can we still do that?
478
00:30:33,665 --> 00:30:35,542
Her too now. Great.
479
00:30:35,792 --> 00:30:38,879
We have the same right
to act like brutal imbeciles as men do.
480
00:30:39,129 --> 00:30:42,883
It's a big ask, but it's often
about how you package things.
481
00:30:43,508 --> 00:30:45,052
For example,
482
00:30:45,302 --> 00:30:49,139
after cutting off someone's ears,
just ask them if they want a drink.
483
00:30:49,765 --> 00:30:51,558
Or wish them a lovely day.
484
00:30:51,808 --> 00:30:53,935
Small gestures often go a long way.
485
00:30:54,186 --> 00:30:58,940
Sorry, but I really have to say,
we often get very little in return.
486
00:30:59,107 --> 00:31:03,695
A thanks for only gouging out one eye,
forget about it.
487
00:31:03,862 --> 00:31:05,781
The faces they make.
488
00:31:05,947 --> 00:31:09,117
I'm with you.
Both sides have to make concessions.
489
00:31:09,368 --> 00:31:10,786
Yeah.
490
00:31:13,121 --> 00:31:16,416
Okay, can we finally attack
that filthy village now?
491
00:31:16,666 --> 00:31:19,669
Yes, Gudrun. That's why we're here.
492
00:31:20,128 --> 00:31:23,298
Valhalla!
493
00:31:23,548 --> 00:31:25,801
Hey! Can you be a little quieter.
494
00:31:25,967 --> 00:31:30,263
Lots of them have little sleeping kids.
Now think, people.
495
00:31:30,430 --> 00:31:32,307
So, Val...
496
00:31:32,474 --> 00:31:33,892
halla.
497
00:31:35,102 --> 00:31:37,813
Valhalla.
498
00:31:37,979 --> 00:31:40,607
Great. Really good, people. Let's go.
499
00:31:56,289 --> 00:32:00,961
A laudable exception, yet Europe was
on its way to a sociocultural low point.
500
00:32:01,211 --> 00:32:04,881
People literally lived
in their own excrement.
501
00:32:05,048 --> 00:32:08,677
A state that would repeat itself
at Woodstock centuries later.
502
00:32:08,844 --> 00:32:11,388
Prayer was often the only resort.
503
00:32:11,555 --> 00:32:13,849
O Lord, we thank you.
504
00:32:14,015 --> 00:32:17,102
Thank you for putting us
through endless trials
505
00:32:17,269 --> 00:32:20,105
that allow us to prove our faith in you.
506
00:32:20,564 --> 00:32:25,819
Thank you for allowing my father to give
his life for you in the Holy War,
507
00:32:25,986 --> 00:32:29,239
and for keeping my husband at sea
for seven years
508
00:32:29,406 --> 00:32:34,870
so that I can prove that I can raise
our twelve children on my own.
509
00:32:35,662 --> 00:32:39,624
Thank you for having little Timmy's arm
torn off in the mill,
510
00:32:39,791 --> 00:32:44,588
so we were given the gift of valuing
our unscathed bodies all the more.
511
00:32:46,047 --> 00:32:51,428
Thank you that our oldest was charged
with heresy, imprisoned and tortured
512
00:32:51,970 --> 00:32:56,266
so she had the chance
to return to the right path.
513
00:32:57,559 --> 00:33:02,564
Thank you for taking mother's sight
in order to sharpen her other senses.
514
00:33:03,607 --> 00:33:07,444
Thank you that you have at least spared
my husband Klaus,
515
00:33:07,611 --> 00:33:12,741
who will hopefully soon return unscathed
and with great riches from the sea...
516
00:33:12,908 --> 00:33:16,161
Come to the harbor.
They've caught Klaus Störtebeker!
517
00:33:16,328 --> 00:33:19,039
And now they're going to execute him.
518
00:33:19,206 --> 00:33:20,207
Of course.
519
00:33:22,626 --> 00:33:24,503
HAMBURG HARBOR
AUGUST 13, 1401
520
00:33:24,669 --> 00:33:29,174
Klaus Störtebeker, first privateer
for the Hansa, then freelance pirate.
521
00:33:29,341 --> 00:33:30,884
Ah, there he is!
522
00:33:31,051 --> 00:33:35,263
He eventually got into trouble and
was arrested for bogus self-employment.
523
00:33:35,430 --> 00:33:38,683
For that, and for a few massacres
on the high seas.
524
00:33:39,351 --> 00:33:41,228
Klaus, you sexy thing!
525
00:33:41,394 --> 00:33:43,146
Before us...
526
00:33:43,396 --> 00:33:46,107
are Klaus Störtebeker
and his companions,
527
00:33:46,274 --> 00:33:50,070
to finally be executed
for their evil deeds.
528
00:33:50,904 --> 00:33:54,074
They will finally meet their maker.
529
00:33:54,324 --> 00:33:58,495
-Cool, I've always wanted to meet him.
-I hope he can hold his liquor.
530
00:33:59,496 --> 00:34:03,583
Look at them!
They still smirk about their evil deeds.
531
00:34:03,833 --> 00:34:07,003
Yes, to keep this do from getting lame.
Some entertainment.
532
00:34:07,254 --> 00:34:10,048
-You could pardon us for that.
-He could.
533
00:34:10,298 --> 00:34:12,842
You want entertainment?
534
00:34:13,009 --> 00:34:15,720
Well, then. How about this?
535
00:34:16,805 --> 00:34:19,474
I shall pardon every one of your men
536
00:34:19,641 --> 00:34:23,687
that you can walk past
after you've been beheaded.
537
00:34:23,853 --> 00:34:27,816
How does that sound
to the strong and amusing pirate?
538
00:34:29,526 --> 00:34:32,487
After I've been beheaded? But...
539
00:34:33,113 --> 00:34:35,448
Won't I be as dead as a doornail?
540
00:34:35,949 --> 00:34:38,201
That's right! How stupid of me.
541
00:34:38,451 --> 00:34:41,705
What can we do about that?
Ah! Now I know.
542
00:34:41,871 --> 00:34:43,623
If that's too difficult,
543
00:34:43,790 --> 00:34:48,461
then just walk
past them all before you're beheaded.
544
00:34:48,712 --> 00:34:52,674
Would that be more
to the genteel Mr. Störtebeker's liking?
545
00:34:52,841 --> 00:34:54,509
That sure is better.
546
00:34:54,676 --> 00:34:56,553
I mean, if it's no trouble.
547
00:34:56,803 --> 00:34:59,264
Of course we won't do that!
You'll be beheaded.
548
00:34:59,889 --> 00:35:03,560
Then we'll see
how far loudmouth Störtebeker gets.
549
00:35:04,477 --> 00:35:07,856
-Wait, that's not what you just said.
-Not at all.
550
00:35:08,106 --> 00:35:11,943
Before he's beheaded
he gets to walk past us, before.
551
00:35:12,110 --> 00:35:14,487
-You all heard that too, right?
-Yes.
552
00:35:16,239 --> 00:35:18,533
-That's true.
-Yes. Yes.
553
00:35:18,783 --> 00:35:20,869
But that was meant ironically.
554
00:35:27,042 --> 00:35:29,753
Yeah, well, that wasn't clear at all.
555
00:35:29,919 --> 00:35:32,380
Of course it was.
That was obviously irony.
556
00:35:32,631 --> 00:35:34,257
It was stressed completely differently.
557
00:35:34,507 --> 00:35:36,843
All showy and exaggerated.
558
00:35:37,093 --> 00:35:38,887
I didn't pick up on that.
559
00:35:39,054 --> 00:35:40,680
No, neither did i.
560
00:35:40,930 --> 00:35:44,142
I don't give a damn.
Executioner, perform your duty.
561
00:35:48,563 --> 00:35:51,316
Sorry, I have to side
with Mr. Störtebeker.
562
00:35:51,483 --> 00:35:53,860
-I didn't hear any irony either.
-Yes.
563
00:35:54,110 --> 00:35:58,406
For God's sake! I spoke
in a completely exaggerated tone:
564
00:35:58,657 --> 00:36:00,325
"Oh! If it's better,
565
00:36:00,492 --> 00:36:04,746
then walk past them all
before you're beheaded."
566
00:36:04,913 --> 00:36:07,874
-You see! He said it again.
-Yes!
567
00:36:08,124 --> 00:36:10,293
To show you idiots the difference!
568
00:36:11,002 --> 00:36:14,839
-Well, he's got nerve!
-Careful with your choice of words.
569
00:36:15,090 --> 00:36:16,424
Be polite.
570
00:36:16,591 --> 00:36:21,137
There's a difference if I say,
"Klaus Störtebeker can walk past his men
571
00:36:21,304 --> 00:36:22,847
before he's beheaded."
572
00:36:23,014 --> 00:36:25,183
Or if I say, "Of course
573
00:36:25,433 --> 00:36:28,228
he can walk past them
before he's beheaded."
574
00:36:28,395 --> 00:36:31,940
-He just said it twice!
-He keeps saying it, Mom.
575
00:36:32,190 --> 00:36:35,235
Am I the last person in this city
with any sense?
576
00:36:35,402 --> 00:36:38,988
You have to be able
to hear the difference.
577
00:36:39,239 --> 00:36:40,865
No, not at all.
578
00:36:45,412 --> 00:36:50,500
You know what? I'll walk past my men
after I've been beheaded.
579
00:36:50,667 --> 00:36:53,503
I can't bear this nitpicking anymore.
580
00:36:54,379 --> 00:36:56,464
-Klaus, are you nuts?
-Michel.
581
00:36:56,715 --> 00:36:59,968
Mr. Smartass is getting on my nerves.
"Ironic, not ironic."
582
00:37:00,677 --> 00:37:04,514
What do I know?
I'm a pirate, not a teacher.
583
00:37:04,764 --> 00:37:07,559
Besides, there are eleven of you.
Know how far that is?
584
00:37:07,726 --> 00:37:10,478
And with my heel spur?
No, come on. Let's go.
585
00:37:10,729 --> 00:37:14,023
Honestly, I don't think it's right,
Mr. Störtebeker.
586
00:37:14,899 --> 00:37:17,777
That's sweet.
But I have to get this over with.
587
00:37:18,695 --> 00:37:20,530
Just take a bit off the back.
588
00:37:20,780 --> 00:37:22,323
Klaus, stop this!
589
00:37:22,574 --> 00:37:24,409
Think of the crew!
590
00:37:24,576 --> 00:37:26,661
Quiet! Quiet!
591
00:37:26,911 --> 00:37:28,830
He's made his decision!
592
00:37:28,997 --> 00:37:30,498
Headsman, now.
593
00:37:33,918 --> 00:37:37,046
Was that meant seriously
or was it irony again?
594
00:37:41,843 --> 00:37:43,595
Strike immediately.
595
00:37:43,845 --> 00:37:46,431
Or you'll be the next one lying there.
596
00:37:48,808 --> 00:37:51,227
That is not meant ironically.
597
00:38:05,074 --> 00:38:06,826
He's standing up!
598
00:38:08,203 --> 00:38:10,413
Klaus! Come here!
599
00:38:10,580 --> 00:38:12,791
This is the last chance.
600
00:38:14,834 --> 00:38:17,253
Come here! Come to me! Klaus!
601
00:38:17,504 --> 00:38:19,589
Klaus, I'm over here. Come this way.
602
00:38:28,306 --> 00:38:29,849
A little clumsy.
603
00:38:30,099 --> 00:38:32,227
Right, that clears that up.
604
00:38:32,393 --> 00:38:34,354
Who's next?
605
00:38:35,522 --> 00:38:38,149
Wait, I have a better idea.
606
00:38:38,650 --> 00:38:41,152
You're all pardoned,
607
00:38:41,402 --> 00:38:42,904
just because.
608
00:38:43,154 --> 00:38:45,323
-What?
-Yes!
609
00:38:52,205 --> 00:38:54,499
Long live the mayor!
610
00:38:54,749 --> 00:38:56,835
Long live Klaus Störtebeker!
611
00:39:01,714 --> 00:39:04,008
Ah, we're back. Good work. Keep it up.
612
00:39:04,175 --> 00:39:08,304
The Middle Ages
lasted around 1,000 years.
613
00:39:08,471 --> 00:39:13,017
It was an age when the entire world
came to a bit of a standstill.
614
00:39:13,184 --> 00:39:16,813
But progress cannot be kept
at bay forever.
615
00:39:16,980 --> 00:39:18,648
Care for an example?
616
00:39:18,815 --> 00:39:24,153
This cassette can store
almost 40 minutes of music.
617
00:39:24,779 --> 00:39:28,867
Unbelievable. A few years ago
that would've been unimaginable.
618
00:39:29,033 --> 00:39:31,119
Or, take nuclear power.
619
00:39:31,286 --> 00:39:33,788
Clean, safe, efficient.
620
00:39:34,455 --> 00:39:38,877
A cutting-edge reactor
just went online in Fukushima.
621
00:39:39,335 --> 00:39:41,129
Those lucky devils.
622
00:39:41,296 --> 00:39:44,382
If all goes well,
we'll have them all over the place soon.
623
00:39:44,549 --> 00:39:48,595
Even in human history,
there was no stopping the future.
624
00:39:48,761 --> 00:39:52,807
European rulers sent their explorers
across the world's oceans
625
00:39:52,974 --> 00:39:55,184
to conquer foreign lands.
626
00:39:55,351 --> 00:40:00,315
Leading the way, the great seafarer,
Christopher Columbus.
627
00:40:00,940 --> 00:40:02,775
Captain's log.
628
00:40:02,942 --> 00:40:04,527
ATLANTIC
MARCH 31, 1492
629
00:40:04,694 --> 00:40:07,822
Three months at sea and
still no sign of the Indian continent.
630
00:40:08,072 --> 00:40:12,368
I must deliver for Queen Isabella soon,
for I'm getting the impression
631
00:40:12,535 --> 00:40:17,373
that a certain lack of discipline
is creeping in amongst the crew.
632
00:40:17,540 --> 00:40:19,751
Still no land in sight.
633
00:40:22,420 --> 00:40:23,755
Damn.
634
00:40:26,424 --> 00:40:27,926
What is it?
635
00:40:31,220 --> 00:40:32,472
Not again.
636
00:40:33,097 --> 00:40:36,017
Very funny. Really, incredibly witty.
637
00:40:36,267 --> 00:40:38,019
Clean that off!
638
00:40:42,607 --> 00:40:44,192
Land!
639
00:40:44,442 --> 00:40:46,402
Land ho!
640
00:40:50,698 --> 00:40:52,575
Here, Capitàn
641
00:41:02,335 --> 00:41:04,671
It's true! Land!
642
00:41:05,755 --> 00:41:07,507
That must be India.
643
00:41:09,342 --> 00:41:12,387
So I was right. Compadres, we...
644
00:41:23,022 --> 00:41:26,484
A leather patch shaped like a land mass.
645
00:41:28,361 --> 00:41:30,196
Very funny, really.
646
00:41:30,446 --> 00:41:32,573
It's killing me. But that's enough!
647
00:41:32,824 --> 00:41:34,033
Got it?
648
00:41:34,283 --> 00:41:35,743
I'll keelhaul you all!
649
00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:40,498
I promised Queen Isabella
I'd find a westward sea route to India.
650
00:41:40,665 --> 00:41:43,251
And that and nothing else
is what we'll do.
651
00:41:43,501 --> 00:41:45,628
-Is that clear?
-Yes, Capitàn
652
00:41:46,421 --> 00:41:48,840
-Give me my compass.
-Here, Capitàn
653
00:42:08,484 --> 00:42:10,528
The letters are loose.
654
00:42:10,778 --> 00:42:13,072
You swapped North and South!
655
00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:16,325
We've been sailing
in the wrong direction all this time!
656
00:42:21,372 --> 00:42:22,749
Who did that?
657
00:42:23,875 --> 00:42:27,086
I asked who did that.
I demand an answer!
658
00:42:32,050 --> 00:42:34,218
That was me, mon capitàn
659
00:42:34,469 --> 00:42:36,721
-It was a little joke.
-A little joke?
660
00:42:37,221 --> 00:42:40,767
This isn't a joke.
Spending months sailing in the wrong...
661
00:42:41,017 --> 00:42:42,477
Land ho, Capitàn
662
00:42:42,727 --> 00:42:44,353
Yes, of course.
663
00:42:44,854 --> 00:42:47,440
And dumb old Columbus
falls for it a third time.
664
00:42:47,607 --> 00:42:49,650
No! Really, Capitàn. Look!
665
00:42:49,901 --> 00:42:51,861
-A welcoming committee.
-There!
666
00:43:07,919 --> 00:43:09,378
It's true.
667
00:43:09,545 --> 00:43:11,881
A boat full of natives.
668
00:43:12,381 --> 00:43:14,008
Good Lord.
669
00:43:14,175 --> 00:43:16,094
Men, ready the ship.
670
00:43:16,260 --> 00:43:18,513
-Let's welcome the Indians.
-Si, Capitàn.
671
00:43:22,391 --> 00:43:24,310
I knew it.
672
00:43:36,280 --> 00:43:38,282
-Oh!
-The Queen.
673
00:43:38,449 --> 00:43:39,992
Mi reina.
674
00:43:40,243 --> 00:43:42,411
Queen Isabella. What...
675
00:43:53,965 --> 00:43:55,716
I'm sorry.
676
00:43:55,883 --> 00:43:57,760
This was all my idea.
677
00:43:58,010 --> 00:43:59,512
India!
678
00:44:02,515 --> 00:44:05,393
The opportunity was just
too good to pass up.
679
00:44:05,643 --> 00:44:08,646
You're still
just off the coast of Portugal.
680
00:44:08,896 --> 00:44:12,024
We sailed around in circles
the whole time.
681
00:44:13,151 --> 00:44:17,196
But don't worry, Columbus.
We've found the westward sea route.
682
00:44:17,363 --> 00:44:20,408
And even discovered
a new continent while doing so.
683
00:44:20,575 --> 00:44:22,827
We're calling it America.
684
00:44:22,994 --> 00:44:24,495
-America!
685
00:44:24,745 --> 00:44:26,164
America.
686
00:44:26,747 --> 00:44:29,917
Oh, come on Columbus. Don't be offended.
687
00:44:30,168 --> 00:44:33,045
It was just a harmless little joke.
688
00:44:36,591 --> 00:44:38,551
-Columbus!
-It's okay, mi reina
689
00:44:38,801 --> 00:44:42,180
We put out the net of rotten sardines
in front of the bulwark.
690
00:44:42,430 --> 00:44:45,057
Gross! You swine!
691
00:44:48,186 --> 00:44:50,104
Rum for everyone!
692
00:44:51,606 --> 00:44:53,482
Yes, colonialism.
693
00:44:53,649 --> 00:44:57,320
It was bad for some, the exploitation,
slavery, genocide and all.
694
00:44:57,486 --> 00:45:02,825
But, eventually, the way was paved
for ideas of enlightenment.
695
00:45:02,992 --> 00:45:06,454
I don't mean dirty magazines,
I mean the Renaissance.
696
00:45:06,621 --> 00:45:07,997
FLORENCE
1504
697
00:45:08,164 --> 00:45:13,586
So much painting was done in Florence
that Renaissance flea markets popped up.
698
00:45:14,378 --> 00:45:17,632
Who is the ugly old fart
in that painting?
699
00:45:21,219 --> 00:45:22,929
Pretty darn vain.
700
00:45:24,180 --> 00:45:26,515
Look, Mario, four arms and legs.
701
00:45:26,682 --> 00:45:30,061
Well, maestro,
looks like you were seeing double.
702
00:45:35,816 --> 00:45:39,153
What kind of a monstrosity is this'?
703
00:45:42,531 --> 00:45:45,034
This, you philistine, is true sculpture.
704
00:45:45,660 --> 00:45:49,956
It's worked so delicately,
the marble feels exquisite and...
705
00:45:50,414 --> 00:45:51,916
the realism.
706
00:45:52,083 --> 00:45:54,043
You are a true master.
707
00:45:54,293 --> 00:45:57,755
Michelangelo, Contessa. Grazie
That's my "David."
708
00:45:58,381 --> 00:46:00,675
Yes, but it's not especially realistic.
709
00:46:01,300 --> 00:46:03,594
The proportions. Don't you agree?
710
00:46:05,221 --> 00:46:06,973
It's a bit big.
711
00:46:08,891 --> 00:46:11,269
-What's too big?
-What do you mean, Mario?
712
00:46:11,519 --> 00:46:13,771
-You think the statue is too big?
-No.
713
00:46:14,272 --> 00:46:16,607
His... Well, the... His...
714
00:46:17,316 --> 00:46:18,401
That“
715
00:46:18,651 --> 00:46:19,986
The...
716
00:46:20,611 --> 00:46:22,655
The thing.
717
00:46:23,406 --> 00:46:25,408
His penis, for crying out loud!
718
00:46:25,658 --> 00:46:28,077
-His penis?
-Too big?
719
00:46:28,244 --> 00:46:30,079
-Why too big?
-If I may, Signore
720
00:46:30,830 --> 00:46:34,333
If I myself were going
to find fault with this statue,
721
00:46:34,500 --> 00:46:38,587
then that would be that the penis
is disproportionately small.
722
00:46:39,380 --> 00:46:41,090
Disproportionately small!
723
00:46:46,387 --> 00:46:47,638
Silvio? Giuseppe?
724
00:46:48,347 --> 00:46:50,516
Yes, now that you say so,
725
00:46:50,766 --> 00:46:52,977
Michelangelo, it's true it is
726
00:46:53,227 --> 00:46:54,770
a little bit small.
727
00:46:54,937 --> 00:46:57,106
Proprio piccolo, signore.
728
00:46:57,356 --> 00:46:59,984
I chose the size cautiously.
729
00:47:00,234 --> 00:47:04,655
To ensure that certain men
who perhaps aren't as well endowed
730
00:47:04,905 --> 00:47:06,615
don't feel inferior.
731
00:47:06,866 --> 00:47:09,076
I think it's exactly right.
732
00:47:09,243 --> 00:47:11,829
Don't let my fiance
make you feel insecure.
733
00:47:13,914 --> 00:47:17,710
Yes! Yes, I completely agree with that.
734
00:47:17,960 --> 00:47:19,795
It is a very small member.
735
00:47:20,588 --> 00:47:22,798
Pitifully small, actually.
736
00:47:23,674 --> 00:47:27,678
I just worry about
prudish Florentine society, you know?
737
00:47:27,928 --> 00:47:30,556
But if you like him, my darling...
738
00:47:31,182 --> 00:47:34,018
-Oh, sorry. Can you glue it back on?
-No.
739
00:47:34,268 --> 00:47:37,980
This statue was carved
from the single block of Carrara marble.
740
00:47:38,230 --> 00:47:41,108
-It's impossible.
-It was an accident. Here.
741
00:47:41,359 --> 00:47:43,361
For your troubles.
742
00:47:43,527 --> 00:47:46,530
Right, we're moving on. We're moving on!
743
00:47:53,954 --> 00:47:55,915
I'm coming!
744
00:47:57,917 --> 00:47:59,835
Damn aristocrats, huh?
745
00:48:00,002 --> 00:48:02,671
I'm so sorry about your "David,"
Michelangelo.
746
00:48:02,838 --> 00:48:05,549
Oh, whatever.
I'll knock his gonads off too.
747
00:48:05,716 --> 00:48:08,177
Maybe I can turn that stub into...
748
00:48:08,928 --> 00:48:11,389
a teeny-tiny penis.
749
00:48:11,555 --> 00:48:15,434
Yes, maybe penises will be
so incredibly small in the future
750
00:48:16,060 --> 00:48:18,145
that it seems totally normal.
751
00:48:23,067 --> 00:48:24,110
Just joking.
752
00:48:24,276 --> 00:48:27,905
Developments in art expressed
newfound human self-awareness.
753
00:48:28,072 --> 00:48:30,658
People suddenly wondered
if it was really okay
754
00:48:30,825 --> 00:48:34,745
to toil 14 hours in a stinking tannery
for half a spoon of flour a day,
755
00:48:34,912 --> 00:48:37,706
while the nobility bored itself
with pie fights.
756
00:48:37,873 --> 00:48:41,127
In France,
there was no stopping revolution.
757
00:48:41,293 --> 00:48:43,963
Thanks first and foremost to one man,
758
00:48:44,380 --> 00:48:46,298
Joseph Guillotin.
759
00:48:54,140 --> 00:48:57,977
I wasn't even in school yet
760
00:48:58,144 --> 00:49:01,939
And Little Puss was my favorite pet
761
00:49:02,690 --> 00:49:06,360
Snip-snap, how I severed the tail
762
00:49:06,610 --> 00:49:09,113
From her
763
00:49:10,781 --> 00:49:13,534
And blowing up frogs
764
00:49:14,660 --> 00:49:18,581
Taking little bunnies' ears off
765
00:49:18,747 --> 00:49:25,254
The mil/stone crunched up
Many a cute critter
766
00:49:27,840 --> 00:49:32,553
I recognized my talent at an early stage
767
00:49:32,803 --> 00:49:35,473
God-given it was, and then...
768
00:49:36,223 --> 00:49:41,228
My hobby became my job
769
00:49:41,770 --> 00:49:46,734
And when the blade drops
770
00:49:46,984 --> 00:49:51,113
For an instant the whole world stops
771
00:49:51,280 --> 00:49:55,493
Butterflies soar all around
772
00:49:55,910 --> 00:49:58,913
From the heavens to the ground
773
00:49:59,955 --> 00:50:03,334
When necks are pierced by steel
774
00:50:05,085 --> 00:50:09,215
What an unimaginable joy I feel
775
00:50:09,381 --> 00:50:12,760
Both money and sex it tops
776
00:50:13,010 --> 00:50:19,225
When the blade drops
777
00:50:19,850 --> 00:50:22,603
Hats off!
The head comes right off
778
00:50:22,770 --> 00:50:26,607
It was tough
But now the machine does it
779
00:50:27,233 --> 00:50:29,568
Hats off!
Boy, how it's kicked off
780
00:50:29,818 --> 00:50:33,197
You can get appointments
At the last minute
781
00:50:33,447 --> 00:50:36,742
Look, a souvenir for the cabinet
782
00:50:36,909 --> 00:50:40,496
Per capita pay means I'll get rich yet
783
00:50:40,746 --> 00:50:44,375
Red, black or blonde, the rate is set
784
00:50:44,625 --> 00:50:50,214
-Let's hear it...
-. . . for my little guillotine
785
00:50:50,381 --> 00:50:53,008
Here comes the King!
786
00:50:55,844 --> 00:50:59,348
I am Louis X-V-l
And I was chillin' on my throne
787
00:50:59,515 --> 00:51:02,977
Now we've got splatter goin' on
With this revolution
788
00:51:03,143 --> 00:51:06,230
A device you stick body parts into
How whack!
789
00:51:06,397 --> 00:51:09,650
All at once six kilos lighter
How awesome is that?
790
00:51:09,900 --> 00:51:12,069
Playin' soccer with my own head
791
00:51:12,319 --> 00:51:13,988
Would be a hoot
792
00:51:14,238 --> 00:51:17,491
And this nasty acne
Would be gone to boot
793
00:51:17,741 --> 00:51:20,661
So if you need someone
As a research object...
794
00:51:20,828 --> 00:51:22,830
Good idea! Take him.
795
00:51:23,080 --> 00:51:24,999
What'? I wasn't being serious.
796
00:51:25,749 --> 00:51:28,085
Don't you get it, you idiots?
797
00:51:28,335 --> 00:51:30,337
I'm Louis XVI!
798
00:51:30,588 --> 00:51:32,464
Yes, but headless.
799
00:51:33,257 --> 00:51:40,139
And when the blade drops
800
00:51:40,764 --> 00:51:45,436
For an instant the whole world stops
801
00:51:45,686 --> 00:51:50,149
Butterflies soar all around
802
00:51:50,399 --> 00:51:54,778
From the heavens to the ground
803
00:51:55,029 --> 00:51:59,867
When necks are pierced by steel
804
00:52:00,034 --> 00:52:03,704
What an unimaginable joy I feel
805
00:52:04,580 --> 00:52:07,291
Look here a pup tent.
806
00:52:08,667 --> 00:52:14,965
When the blade drops
807
00:52:15,132 --> 00:52:20,721
The blade drops
808
00:52:24,642 --> 00:52:26,518
Merde.
809
00:52:32,775 --> 00:52:34,777
A real earworm, isn't it?
810
00:52:35,027 --> 00:52:37,905
The guillotine put an end
to the monarchy,
811
00:52:38,072 --> 00:52:41,617
but not to
the senseless carnage in Europe.
812
00:52:42,201 --> 00:52:46,789
No wonder so many people were fed up
and wanted to emigrate to America.
813
00:52:46,955 --> 00:52:49,249
And if you're going
to get there by ship,
814
00:52:49,416 --> 00:52:53,962
why not on the legendary Titanic?
815
00:52:55,214 --> 00:52:57,758
Well, it did sink on its maiden journey.
816
00:52:57,925 --> 00:53:00,469
300 NAUTICAL MILES OFF NEWFOUNDLAND
APRIL 14, 1912
817
00:53:00,636 --> 00:53:04,682
And the person responsible for that
was the captain himself.
818
00:53:10,938 --> 00:53:13,607
Captain on the bridge. Gentlemen.
819
00:53:14,358 --> 00:53:18,195
May I introduce Jessica to you?
She's starting her internship today.
820
00:53:18,445 --> 00:53:23,117
-Good evening, young lady.
-Jessica, I just had an excellent idea.
821
00:53:23,283 --> 00:53:26,495
How about you take the helm tonight?
822
00:53:26,662 --> 00:53:29,373
-Fine by me.
-Great. All right then.
823
00:53:29,623 --> 00:53:32,584
-You're joking, right, sir?
-Of course not.
824
00:53:32,751 --> 00:53:36,130
The next generation
has to learn it eventually. Jessica?
825
00:53:36,380 --> 00:53:40,426
Sir, the world's biggest ship?
In the dark, and fully loaded?
826
00:53:40,676 --> 00:53:43,011
You have to learn sometime.
827
00:53:44,888 --> 00:53:47,349
But you would have to look at the sea,
young lady.
828
00:53:47,516 --> 00:53:50,269
Sorry, I can't.
One of my nails just broke.
829
00:53:50,436 --> 00:53:54,606
A nail broke off.
Well, that obviously has priority.
830
00:53:54,773 --> 00:53:57,526
Sir, iceberg ahead. North-northwest.
831
00:53:57,693 --> 00:54:01,697
Huh? An ice bear?
Like a polar bear? They're so cute.
832
00:54:01,864 --> 00:54:03,991
Yes, if only it were.
833
00:54:04,158 --> 00:54:07,286
No, Mr. Johnson means
an iceberg, Jessica.
834
00:54:07,453 --> 00:54:08,579
An iceberg.
835
00:54:09,371 --> 00:54:11,790
Oh! Boring.
836
00:54:12,416 --> 00:54:13,459
Indeed.
837
00:54:13,625 --> 00:54:15,502
An iceberg.
838
00:54:16,336 --> 00:54:18,088
It sure is a Whopper.
839
00:54:18,881 --> 00:54:21,800
Well, that was to be expected
around here.
840
00:54:21,967 --> 00:54:24,386
-Sir, maybe you should take the...
-No.
841
00:54:24,553 --> 00:54:27,181
Tonight our intern is doing everything.
842
00:54:27,347 --> 00:54:29,391
Right, take a look.
843
00:54:29,558 --> 00:54:34,146
A good mile ahead there actually appears
to be an iceberg.
844
00:54:34,396 --> 00:54:37,149
-Seems we're headed right for it.
-Sir!
845
00:54:37,399 --> 00:54:39,985
-I suggest...
-Shh! What do you suggest?
846
00:54:40,235 --> 00:54:41,653
Evade it?
847
00:54:41,904 --> 00:54:43,530
Or shall we push it aside?
848
00:54:44,406 --> 00:54:46,200
It keeps getting bigger-
849
00:54:46,366 --> 00:54:49,077
That's right.
The iceberg keeps getting bigger.
850
00:54:49,244 --> 00:54:51,538
Of course, that isn't actually true.
851
00:54:51,705 --> 00:54:54,124
It just looks like it's getting bigger
852
00:54:54,374 --> 00:54:56,627
because as we keep getting closer to it,
853
00:54:56,877 --> 00:54:59,463
it covers more of our field of vision.
854
00:54:59,630 --> 00:55:03,342
-Sir, I have to insist that you...
-She has to learn this on her own.
855
00:55:03,509 --> 00:55:06,553
-How annoying. I'm not dumb.
-No.
856
00:55:06,804 --> 00:55:08,639
-Just ignore him.
-Sir.
857
00:55:08,806 --> 00:55:11,558
Change course now
or we won't be able to evade it.
858
00:55:11,809 --> 00:55:13,685
Ah, evade it.
859
00:55:13,852 --> 00:55:15,062
Of course.
860
00:55:15,312 --> 00:55:17,856
Damn it! She was meant
to figure that out herself.
861
00:55:18,023 --> 00:55:19,525
And I would have.
862
00:55:19,775 --> 00:55:23,570
I know that, Jessica.
And I know why you did that, Miller!
863
00:55:23,737 --> 00:55:26,990
You're afraid she has more talent
and could replace you.
864
00:55:27,241 --> 00:55:29,701
-More talent?
-You're a ruthless careerist!
865
00:55:29,952 --> 00:55:33,121
-You can't bear sharing the spotlight.
-How do I evade it?
866
00:55:33,288 --> 00:55:36,875
You'll have to explain some... Hey!
The fatty touched me!
867
00:55:37,125 --> 00:55:38,919
Away from the helm, Johnson!
868
00:55:39,169 --> 00:55:42,005
-She has to learn!
-You're crazy, Smith!
869
00:56:02,234 --> 00:56:04,069
-Did I do that?
-No.
870
00:56:04,319 --> 00:56:09,491
The responsibility lies solely with
our incompetent and envious officers.
871
00:56:09,658 --> 00:56:13,537
-Man! This isn't any fun anymore.
-I can understand that.
872
00:56:13,787 --> 00:56:19,585
See this? You've ruined Jessica's desire
to work on her first day as an intern.
873
00:56:19,835 --> 00:56:22,838
She just ran the world's
most expensive ship into an iceberg!
874
00:56:23,005 --> 00:56:25,632
Yeah, so? Is it broken now, or what?
875
00:56:25,883 --> 00:56:27,634
No. It is not, Jessica.
876
00:56:27,801 --> 00:56:29,928
The Titanic is unsinkable.
877
00:56:30,178 --> 00:56:33,807
Captain, water has breached
sections one to four of the lower deck.
878
00:56:34,057 --> 00:56:38,145
-We can't keep her afloat.
-We have to evacuate now!
879
00:56:38,395 --> 00:56:40,606
-So we're all going to drown?
-No.
880
00:56:40,772 --> 00:56:42,149
Great internship.
881
00:56:42,399 --> 00:56:46,194
No, we won't drown.
We still have our lifeboats.
882
00:56:46,862 --> 00:56:51,825
And you worked out how many we needed
just before we set sail, right?
883
00:56:55,871 --> 00:56:57,915
Johnson! Miller! Where are you going?
884
00:56:58,165 --> 00:57:01,043
You're supposed
to practice knots with Jessica.
885
00:57:01,752 --> 00:57:05,005
Down it went, the dream many aboard had
to emigrate to America.
886
00:57:05,172 --> 00:57:09,927
That wasn't a bad idea, considering
World War I started soon after.
887
00:57:10,093 --> 00:57:13,388
It was, however, so well received
that a sequel followed.
888
00:57:13,555 --> 00:57:15,223
But we'll get to that.
889
00:57:15,474 --> 00:57:20,646
Yet the World War I was decided
on what is known as the Western Front.
890
00:57:21,271 --> 00:57:24,775
There, French and German soldiers
faced off from the trenches
891
00:57:24,942 --> 00:57:27,110
in a bitter battle for victory.
892
00:57:39,998 --> 00:57:42,376
Damn it! They're just not letting up.
893
00:57:44,252 --> 00:57:46,088
What are they doing there?
894
00:57:48,256 --> 00:57:50,509
-They're all women.
-What?
895
00:57:56,723 --> 00:57:58,725
Cease fire! Cease fire!
896
00:57:58,892 --> 00:58:02,270
Get back there now, or you'll be shot!
897
00:58:02,479 --> 00:58:04,147
Cease fire!
898
00:58:04,314 --> 00:58:07,067
Cease fire!
There are civilians out there.
899
00:58:07,317 --> 00:58:10,028
Hey! Go! Get out of here!
900
00:58:10,195 --> 00:58:11,989
You have to go back!
901
00:58:12,155 --> 00:58:14,074
They're crazy!
902
00:58:15,659 --> 00:58:16,451
I'll go.
903
00:58:16,576 --> 00:58:19,037
What'? The Germans will slaughter you!
904
00:58:19,079 --> 00:58:21,707
Marc, we can't let those women die.
905
00:58:24,001 --> 00:58:24,751
Damn!
906
00:58:29,589 --> 00:58:31,425
This is madness, this is!
907
00:58:31,675 --> 00:58:34,469
Those are our women, Hans.
I have to try!
908
00:58:36,471 --> 00:58:37,931
Oh, damn!
909
00:58:38,098 --> 00:58:39,599
Gerhaaaaard!
910
00:58:59,828 --> 00:59:01,329
Hey, finally!
911
00:59:01,580 --> 00:59:03,665
A few dishy soldiers are coming.
912
00:59:03,915 --> 00:59:05,125
Don't move!
913
00:59:05,375 --> 00:59:06,793
Whoa!
914
00:59:07,044 --> 00:59:09,212
He's cute.
915
00:59:09,463 --> 00:59:12,049
Who are you? What are you doing here?
916
00:59:12,299 --> 00:59:14,676
Get out of here! Go on, beat it!
917
00:59:14,843 --> 00:59:16,553
You wish.
918
00:59:16,803 --> 00:59:19,389
The party's only just kicking off!
919
00:59:20,974 --> 00:59:24,061
Elke is putting on shackles today!
920
00:59:28,356 --> 00:59:29,983
Hello. Bonjour
921
00:59:30,233 --> 00:59:32,110
But before that happens,
922
00:59:32,360 --> 00:59:35,072
we're going to party
till the grenades go off!
923
00:59:35,322 --> 00:59:37,407
'Right, girls?
—Woo!
924
00:59:39,284 --> 00:59:41,411
Elke! Elke! Elke!
925
00:59:43,580 --> 00:59:46,958
Don't you get it?
You're right between the frontlines!
926
00:59:47,209 --> 00:59:49,503
In God's name, who are they?
927
00:59:49,669 --> 00:59:52,255
They're having bachelorette party.
928
00:59:53,006 --> 00:59:54,549
ELKE'S GETTING MARRIED
929
00:59:54,800 --> 00:59:56,927
-Adieu de célibataire.
-Moi.
930
00:59:57,177 --> 00:59:59,179
What'? Here? During a battle?
931
00:59:59,429 --> 01:00:02,474
Oh, you can go back to fighting soon.
932
01:00:02,641 --> 01:00:08,188
But first, you have to buy
a few strong ones off Elke.
933
01:00:08,897 --> 01:00:10,607
Strong ones?
934
01:00:11,066 --> 01:00:13,110
-Elles veux...
-Elles veulent!
935
01:00:13,360 --> 01:00:15,112
Elles veulent... that's right.
936
01:00:15,362 --> 01:00:18,198
Que nous ayons... To drink schnapps?
937
01:00:18,448 --> 01:00:20,450
Liqeur. .. Cognac!
938
01:00:20,700 --> 01:00:21,952
-Ici? No!
-Yes.
939
01:00:22,202 --> 01:00:24,121
Are you complete idiots?
940
01:00:24,371 --> 01:00:27,040
Elke? Did we promise you too much?
941
01:00:27,207 --> 01:00:29,167
These two sure have got it, right?
942
01:00:29,417 --> 01:00:30,877
Yes.
943
01:00:31,044 --> 01:00:34,422
I'm really enjoying
how handsome they are.
944
01:00:34,589 --> 01:00:35,757
So...
945
01:00:36,007 --> 01:00:38,802
Here you go.
That's one strong one for you.
946
01:00:39,052 --> 01:00:40,053
No, no.
947
01:00:40,303 --> 01:00:43,306
-Oui!
-Hold on a moment, boys.
948
01:00:43,557 --> 01:00:46,476
First, you have to pay
for the little strong ones.
949
01:00:46,726 --> 01:00:49,646
I don't have any money on me.
And he doesn't either.
950
01:00:49,896 --> 01:00:51,523
-Aw!
-No problem.
951
01:00:51,773 --> 01:00:53,942
We know guys like these.
952
01:00:54,192 --> 01:00:56,403
You'll have to give Elke a smacker!
953
01:00:57,404 --> 01:00:59,781
Give her a smacker! Give her a smacker!
954
01:01:14,963 --> 01:01:17,007
This is 18 karat gold. Will that do?
955
01:01:17,257 --> 01:01:19,509
-I'll accept this. Okay.
-Oh, pity.
956
01:01:19,759 --> 01:01:22,804
Right, now down the hatch
with the strong one!
957
01:01:23,054 --> 01:01:25,182
-Non. Le travail.
-Drink! Drink!
958
01:01:26,641 --> 01:01:29,019
Drink or they'll never take off.
959
01:01:29,269 --> 01:01:31,188
-Please drink!
-Drink! Drink!
960
01:01:40,405 --> 01:01:41,615
Nice!
961
01:01:46,077 --> 01:01:48,038
You accursed women!
962
01:01:59,299 --> 01:02:01,009
No!
963
01:02:02,719 --> 01:02:05,513
-You poisoned him?
-You can bet on that.
964
01:02:05,764 --> 01:02:07,974
That's called modern warfare.
965
01:02:08,225 --> 01:02:10,518
-We're part of FWUP.
-FWUP?
966
01:02:10,769 --> 01:02:14,189
-Free Women Undermining Patriarchy.
-Balingen branch.
967
01:02:14,356 --> 01:02:17,776
Don't waste time
and get back in that trench, comrade.
968
01:02:18,026 --> 01:02:21,446
Off we go, sisters. To the next usurper!
969
01:02:21,905 --> 01:02:24,783
Elke! Elke! Elke!
970
01:02:25,033 --> 01:02:26,618
What's going on around here?
971
01:02:27,661 --> 01:02:30,163
We're going on around here!
972
01:02:33,959 --> 01:02:35,627
Blasted women!
973
01:02:38,088 --> 01:02:43,468
Well, there's probably no better way
to illustrate the senselessness of war.
974
01:02:43,718 --> 01:02:47,806
My father was more fortunate.
He was also on the Western Front.
975
01:02:47,973 --> 01:02:51,685
But he survived
and later emigrated to New York.
976
01:02:51,851 --> 01:02:56,189
Where, with his industriousness
and will to survive, he very quickly
977
01:02:56,356 --> 01:03:00,443
worked his way up to become
a very successful pickpocket, con artist
978
01:03:00,610 --> 01:03:02,487
and philanderer,
979
01:03:02,654 --> 01:03:04,406
God rest his soul.
980
01:03:05,740 --> 01:03:07,367
But, if we're honest,
981
01:03:07,534 --> 01:03:12,247
the land of opportunity wasn't always
a safe place to be.
982
01:03:13,665 --> 01:03:18,670
After the market crash of 1929,
there was indeed great opportunity,
983
01:03:18,837 --> 01:03:23,550
either to pay 100 dollars
for a bottle of bootleg hooch
984
01:03:23,717 --> 01:03:27,178
or to get a bullet
in your noggin out on the street.
985
01:03:27,345 --> 01:03:31,975
In Chicago,
mafia boss Al Capone ruled like a king.
986
01:03:32,684 --> 01:03:36,688
It took years before the man
with the off-kilter language
987
01:03:36,855 --> 01:03:39,357
could finally be apprehended.
988
01:03:40,942 --> 01:03:42,652
Ciao, Mario.
989
01:03:44,738 --> 01:03:46,239
Ciao, bella!
990
01:03:46,406 --> 01:03:48,366
So? How are you?
991
01:03:49,284 --> 01:03:52,037
-Do we know each other?
-You don't know me.
992
01:03:52,203 --> 01:03:54,247
But maybe you know my boss.
993
01:03:54,414 --> 01:03:58,084
I'm supposed to give you his regards,
and a message.
994
01:03:58,251 --> 01:04:00,628
He doesn't like being double-crossed.
995
01:04:15,935 --> 01:04:17,437
Go.
996
01:05:00,897 --> 01:05:03,233
Mario, Mario, Mario.
997
01:05:04,150 --> 01:05:08,905
Look what you've done?
So much unnecessary bloodshed.
998
01:05:10,115 --> 01:05:12,700
-AI, I swear to you, i...
-Ah, don't swear.
999
01:05:15,161 --> 01:05:17,497
How does the saying go?
1000
01:05:18,748 --> 01:05:22,502
The prettiest cod blossom
when the farmer husks the donkey.
1001
01:05:25,130 --> 01:05:27,757
What... What do you mean by that?
1002
01:05:27,924 --> 01:05:31,052
I meant that you'd best not dive
in naked cream,
1003
01:05:31,219 --> 01:05:33,138
if the fur on your back is sparse.
1004
01:05:33,304 --> 01:05:34,806
Sparse fur, naked cream?
1005
01:05:35,056 --> 01:05:36,683
I don't understand.
1006
01:05:37,642 --> 01:05:39,227
We've always paid on time.
1007
01:05:39,477 --> 01:05:41,271
Oh, yes, you have, Mario.
1008
01:05:44,524 --> 01:05:46,401
That's just what unsettles me.
1009
01:05:47,110 --> 01:05:49,821
You know, in months that start with W,
1010
01:05:49,988 --> 01:05:53,741
the blue otter doesn't like
being milked, not one bit.
1011
01:05:54,534 --> 01:05:56,578
Big moth, fast toe.
1012
01:05:58,079 --> 01:05:59,956
Who's behind it Mario? Huh?
1013
01:06:00,206 --> 01:06:02,250
I don't know. I swear I don't.
1014
01:06:02,500 --> 01:06:05,712
Experience tells me a guy
who's danced samba with a pitchfork,
1015
01:06:05,879 --> 01:06:07,630
snores, even without teeth.
1016
01:06:07,881 --> 01:06:12,010
Damn it! I haven't done a thing!
And I have no clue what you mean.
1017
01:06:14,804 --> 01:06:17,682
But I know what he means, Mario.
1018
01:06:24,481 --> 01:06:26,024
Eliot Ness!
1019
01:06:29,986 --> 01:06:32,822
What he means, Mario, is this...
1020
01:06:33,990 --> 01:06:37,202
even the tastiest racehorse
only stays on the road
1021
01:06:37,452 --> 01:06:39,537
until it stinks.
1022
01:06:40,622 --> 01:06:42,832
-Am I right, Al?
-Quiet color, hot shoe.
1023
01:06:42,999 --> 01:06:45,627
Quiet color, hot shoe.
1024
01:06:47,837 --> 01:06:49,339
You said it.
1025
01:06:49,506 --> 01:06:52,425
But one could express it differently.
1026
01:06:52,592 --> 01:06:55,929
Those who've never been bare-assed
while they deloused nuns,
1027
01:06:56,095 --> 01:06:57,680
rarely knit big cookies.
1028
01:06:59,516 --> 01:07:02,685
-Say that again.
-You understood me, Al.
1029
01:07:04,229 --> 01:07:06,272
Take him away.
1030
01:07:06,439 --> 01:07:08,525
You goddamn pig.
1031
01:07:10,276 --> 01:07:13,780
You think you've won,
but remember this...
1032
01:07:14,405 --> 01:07:16,908
the deeper you stick the fish
into your nose,
1033
01:07:17,075 --> 01:07:20,119
the louder the owl farts in the cake.
1034
01:07:22,038 --> 01:07:23,957
We'll see about that.
1035
01:07:26,376 --> 01:07:28,545
You've got a radish full of blackbirds!
1036
01:07:28,711 --> 01:07:32,048
In the end, only the albinos remain
in the wooden rollercoaster!
1037
01:07:32,298 --> 01:07:34,551
Ness, I know where the tomatoes fly!
1038
01:07:34,717 --> 01:07:37,095
That was very brave of you, Mario.
1039
01:07:37,262 --> 01:07:38,805
Thank you.
1040
01:07:40,181 --> 01:07:43,017
Heavy cotton wool, round milk, Mr. Ness.
1041
01:07:43,184 --> 01:07:46,896
Heavy cotton wool, round milk.
That's exactly right.
1042
01:07:47,397 --> 01:07:50,942
AI Capone was right,
Mario had indeed betrayed him.
1043
01:07:51,109 --> 01:07:52,819
But how does the saying go?
1044
01:07:52,986 --> 01:07:54,988
No waltz, no honey.
1045
01:07:55,572 --> 01:07:58,533
Yet the violence
had not yet reached its peak.
1046
01:07:58,783 --> 01:08:02,704
1939 arrived, and with it
the outbreak of World War ll,
1047
01:08:02,870 --> 01:08:07,500
after the Nazis' seizure of power
under their leader Adolf Hitler.
1048
01:08:08,501 --> 01:08:12,005
So if you possess
time traveling technology,
1049
01:08:12,630 --> 01:08:15,425
we would be greatly indebted to you
1050
01:08:15,592 --> 01:08:20,096
if you would travel to Braunau am Inn
in August of 1888
1051
01:08:20,263 --> 01:08:24,642
and give Alois and Klara Hitler
a pack of condoms.
1052
01:08:24,809 --> 01:08:26,853
Size XS should do.
1053
01:08:27,937 --> 01:08:29,606
Thanks in advance.
1054
01:08:29,772 --> 01:08:34,611
In our timeline
Hitler instigated World War II
1055
01:08:34,777 --> 01:08:37,947
and dragged the whole world
into the abyss.
1056
01:08:39,073 --> 01:08:44,370
However, a small group of brave men
led by Count Claus von Stauffenberg
1057
01:08:44,621 --> 01:08:47,874
planned to turn the tide for the better.
1058
01:08:49,417 --> 01:08:50,918
Gentlemen,
1059
01:08:51,085 --> 01:08:54,756
I'm glad so many of you made it
to this secret meeting.
1060
01:08:55,173 --> 01:08:58,676
This is more urgent than ever
after the past months' failures.
1061
01:08:58,843 --> 01:09:04,015
I hope you've all thought long and hard
to come up with a promising plan
1062
01:09:04,182 --> 01:09:08,019
that will bring our fuhrer
to his rightful destiny.
1063
01:09:08,686 --> 01:09:12,315
-Mr. von Stauffenberg, may I?
-Please, Major von Freyend.
1064
01:09:12,482 --> 01:09:14,651
-That's why we're here.
-Thank you.
1065
01:09:14,817 --> 01:09:17,403
I have indeed come up with something.
1066
01:09:18,404 --> 01:09:21,699
For my plan it is essential
to distract the fuhrer
1067
01:09:21,866 --> 01:09:24,911
on the evening of the 20th,
his birthday,
1068
01:09:25,161 --> 01:09:27,038
as you all know,
1069
01:09:27,288 --> 01:09:29,791
with an urgent cable from the front
1070
01:09:29,957 --> 01:09:33,044
and to get him to leave
fuhrer headquarters.
1071
01:09:33,211 --> 01:09:38,883
I myself will have by then already made
all the essential arrangements,
1072
01:09:39,050 --> 01:09:41,511
so that after only a few maneuvers,
1073
01:09:42,011 --> 01:09:45,640
I will only need
to flip the light switch as soon
1074
01:09:45,890 --> 01:09:47,517
as the fuhrer returns.
1075
01:09:48,142 --> 01:09:50,144
And then...
1076
01:09:50,395 --> 01:09:52,021
bang!
1077
01:09:52,188 --> 01:09:53,439
Surprise.
1078
01:09:54,232 --> 01:09:58,528
All the sparklers will be burning
and Himmler will pop out...
1079
01:09:58,695 --> 01:10:01,280
Himmler will hold the cake
1080
01:10:01,447 --> 01:10:04,617
and a little four-man band
will start playing
1081
01:10:04,867 --> 01:10:06,703
the Badenweiler March.
1082
01:10:11,624 --> 01:10:14,877
And the cake will be poisoned?
1083
01:10:16,504 --> 01:10:18,005
No. Why?
1084
01:10:18,172 --> 01:10:20,508
That could harm our beloved fuhrer
1085
01:10:26,806 --> 01:10:28,599
Hold on a second.
1086
01:10:28,766 --> 01:10:33,604
Isn't this the meeting for the Führer's
surprise birthday party on April 20th?
1087
01:10:33,771 --> 01:10:35,273
No.
1088
01:10:35,440 --> 01:10:39,277
This is the July 20th coup
and assassination plot resistance group.
1089
01:10:45,199 --> 01:10:49,287
Oh! Then I am
officially in the wrong office.
1090
01:10:49,454 --> 01:10:51,873
If you'll excuse me, gentlemen.
1091
01:10:52,123 --> 01:10:55,168
-Sure. It can happen to anyone.
-But, von Freyend...
1092
01:10:57,670 --> 01:11:00,548
-Not a word about this. Got it?
-On my honor.
1093
01:11:04,051 --> 01:11:05,928
But only...
1094
01:11:06,846 --> 01:11:10,975
if, in return, you don't say anything
about the surprise party.
1095
01:11:11,225 --> 01:11:13,269
You have our word, everyone's.
1096
01:11:13,436 --> 01:11:15,646
-Heil Hitler!
-Heil Hitler!
1097
01:11:19,025 --> 01:11:20,234
Right.
1098
01:11:21,569 --> 01:11:24,530
Now to the real plans
to get rid of this monster.
1099
01:11:24,697 --> 01:11:26,824
We're all ears, Colonel.
1100
01:11:27,366 --> 01:11:29,202
I call it...
1101
01:11:30,161 --> 01:11:32,455
Operation Valkyrie.
1102
01:11:33,539 --> 01:11:35,041
Here's the plan.
1103
01:11:35,291 --> 01:11:39,420
I myself will smuggle
a bomb concealed in a briefcase
1104
01:11:39,587 --> 01:11:42,590
into the next briefing
at the Wolfsschanze.
1105
01:11:42,840 --> 01:11:47,178
But, Mr. Stauffenberg, doesn't that mean
you'll have to sacrifice yourself?
1106
01:11:47,428 --> 01:11:48,971
Yes and no.
1107
01:11:49,138 --> 01:11:51,432
Yes and no? But how exactly...
1108
01:11:51,682 --> 01:11:56,687
We'll ignite only half the explosives
so the bomb won't cause any real damage.
1109
01:11:56,938 --> 01:11:59,690
Hold on. So Hitler won't be killed?
1110
01:11:59,941 --> 01:12:03,611
No, due to the heavy oak tabletop,
which will absorb most of the blast.
1111
01:12:03,861 --> 01:12:04,862
Uh-huh.
1112
01:12:05,029 --> 01:12:09,158
But Hitler will know there is resistance
in the highest level of command.
1113
01:12:09,325 --> 01:12:11,786
I'll be arrested on the spot
and executed.
1114
01:12:12,036 --> 01:12:14,872
-That's absurd!
-Out of the question.
1115
01:12:15,122 --> 01:12:18,584
Wait, gentlemen,
the real kicker is still to come.
1116
01:12:18,835 --> 01:12:22,046
You, my comrades-in-arms,
will seize the moment,
1117
01:12:22,213 --> 01:12:27,009
send out an order for the military
to seize control of all institutions
1118
01:12:27,176 --> 01:12:30,471
and "mistakenly,"
send it to fuhrer headquarters too.
1119
01:12:30,721 --> 01:12:33,432
Our planned coup
will be exposed entirely.
1120
01:12:33,599 --> 01:12:37,603
That, in turn,
will result in you all being arrested
1121
01:12:37,854 --> 01:12:39,856
and executed in Bendlerblock.
1122
01:12:41,399 --> 01:12:43,276
And then we have to...
1123
01:12:43,442 --> 01:12:46,487
or rather those who come after us
but sympathize with us,
1124
01:12:46,654 --> 01:12:49,031
will simply have to sit back and wait.
1125
01:12:49,198 --> 01:12:52,451
Hitler's paranoia
will eat him up from the inside.
1126
01:12:52,702 --> 01:12:56,038
He'll never be certain
all the plotters have been eliminated.
1127
01:12:56,205 --> 01:12:59,625
His decisions will become
ever more irrational and absurd.
1128
01:12:59,876 --> 01:13:02,670
He'll exhaust all his military resources
1129
01:13:02,837 --> 01:13:05,715
and maneuver himself
into a hopeless situation.
1130
01:13:05,882 --> 01:13:08,009
The Allies will drive back our armies,
1131
01:13:08,175 --> 01:13:12,096
Germany will be occupied entirely
and the Red Army will advance to Berlin.
1132
01:13:12,346 --> 01:13:14,891
Hitler will ultimately capitulate
1133
01:13:15,141 --> 01:13:18,519
and then, out of shame,
he'll hole up in the fuhrer bunker,
1134
01:13:18,686 --> 01:13:20,605
and, as his final option,
1135
01:13:20,771 --> 01:13:22,565
he will take his own life.
1136
01:13:23,649 --> 01:13:24,817
Bang.
1137
01:13:31,240 --> 01:13:34,493
A brilliant plan, von Stauffenberg!
1138
01:13:34,660 --> 01:13:36,495
Bravo!
1139
01:13:37,121 --> 01:13:38,706
To Operation Valkyrie.
1140
01:13:38,873 --> 01:13:40,833
To Operation Valkyrie.
1141
01:13:41,000 --> 01:13:43,002
A cunning plan indeed.
1142
01:13:43,169 --> 01:13:48,341
With one small drawback, many ugly days
of war passed before it bore fruit.
1143
01:13:48,507 --> 01:13:50,176
ATLANTIC OCEAN
OCTOBER 27, 1944
1144
01:13:50,343 --> 01:13:53,638
Like those in a cramped and stuffy
80-meter-long metal tube.
1145
01:13:53,804 --> 01:13:56,974
Not for me,
with my steel and water allergy.
1146
01:14:00,686 --> 01:14:02,438
Propeller noise.
1147
01:14:02,939 --> 01:14:04,565
270 degrees.
1148
01:14:05,483 --> 01:14:07,401
Approaching quickly.
1149
01:14:09,737 --> 01:14:12,406
Take us deeper, Fischer. Very slowly.
1150
01:14:13,658 --> 01:14:16,786
15 degrees dive on the bow,
ten degrees rise on the stern.
1151
01:14:22,750 --> 01:14:24,627
Depth charge!
1152
01:14:41,394 --> 01:14:43,437
Any damage to report?
1153
01:14:43,604 --> 01:14:45,564
Flooding in the engine room!
1154
01:14:45,731 --> 01:14:48,275
We're sinking too fast.
160 meters and falling.
1155
01:14:48,526 --> 01:14:50,611
Then act! Engines full speed astern!
1156
01:14:50,861 --> 01:14:53,572
Engines not responding.
190 meters and falling.
1157
01:14:59,537 --> 01:15:01,122
200 meters.
1158
01:15:04,291 --> 01:15:06,043
210.
1159
01:15:06,585 --> 01:15:08,004
Just hold!
1160
01:15:08,254 --> 01:15:09,880
Over 220!
1161
01:15:14,719 --> 01:15:16,637
-What was that?
-We hit bottom.
1162
01:15:17,346 --> 01:15:19,390
Here'? Impossible.
1163
01:15:22,768 --> 01:15:25,271
It must be an uncharted plateau, sir.
1164
01:15:25,521 --> 01:15:26,856
230 meters.
1165
01:15:40,161 --> 01:15:41,579
Right.
1166
01:15:42,246 --> 01:15:44,415
Take a deep breath.
1167
01:15:44,665 --> 01:15:47,710
We have to get this tin can back up.
Blow all tanks.
1168
01:15:48,961 --> 01:15:51,172
Blow all tanks.
1169
01:15:55,676 --> 01:15:58,763
-Nothing. Everything is flooded.
-Try again!
1170
01:15:58,929 --> 01:16:01,265
Blow tanks again.
Give it all you've got!
1171
01:16:07,980 --> 01:16:09,523
No chance.
1172
01:16:25,623 --> 01:16:26,874
-Sorry.
-Friedrichs!
1173
01:16:27,124 --> 01:16:28,626
-Sorry.
-Pull yourself together!
1174
01:16:28,876 --> 01:16:30,711
Aw, disgusting!
1175
01:16:30,961 --> 01:16:33,005
I can't help it when I'm nervous.
1176
01:16:33,255 --> 01:16:37,218
We're all goners and your beer fart
is the last thing I smell! Thanks!
1177
01:16:38,969 --> 01:16:40,471
Hold your breath!
1178
01:16:40,721 --> 01:16:42,264
Ugh! Open ass!
1179
01:16:42,515 --> 01:16:45,184
-Are you stupid?
-What does he eat?
1180
01:16:45,434 --> 01:16:48,562
I'm so sorry,
but when I'm put under emotional stress,
1181
01:16:48,813 --> 01:16:51,941
I really can't do anything about it.
1182
01:16:52,191 --> 01:16:54,652
I don't give a shit!
Pull yourself together.
1183
01:16:59,365 --> 01:17:00,866
Silence!
1184
01:17:07,123 --> 01:17:08,541
Friedrichs.
1185
01:17:08,707 --> 01:17:10,668
Farting in a U-boat!
1186
01:17:11,293 --> 01:17:13,838
I should have you
court-martialed for that!
1187
01:17:18,259 --> 01:17:20,636
But maybe you've just saved our lives.
1188
01:17:23,931 --> 01:17:26,684
What are farts composed of,
First Officer?
1189
01:17:29,353 --> 01:17:31,605
Nitrogen, carbon dioxide and methane.
1190
01:17:31,856 --> 01:17:34,358
Correct.
What is methane used as, Fischer?
1191
01:17:35,776 --> 01:17:37,570
-A propellant.
-That's right.
1192
01:17:38,779 --> 01:17:42,992
And what do we need to blow
our ballast tanks and rise?
1193
01:17:50,166 --> 01:17:51,834
So, Friedrichs.
1194
01:17:52,626 --> 01:17:55,171
You take a nice deep breath now.
1195
01:17:55,421 --> 01:17:56,797
-Cook!
-Lieutenant?
1196
01:17:57,047 --> 01:17:58,591
-Cans of sauerkraut left?
-20.
1197
01:17:58,841 --> 01:18:00,676
Excellent. And legumes?
1198
01:18:01,302 --> 01:18:03,721
40 cans of red lentils, 60 of baby peas
1199
01:18:03,888 --> 01:18:06,432
and 20 cans of fava beans
in tomato sauce.
1200
01:18:06,682 --> 01:18:09,852
-Good. Open them.
-Yes, sir. Go on.
1201
01:18:12,271 --> 01:18:14,815
-Come on, get up!
-Lieutenant.
1202
01:18:15,065 --> 01:18:19,778
I have eight packages of Iranian figs.
They're obviously at your disposal.
1203
01:18:20,946 --> 01:18:25,201
Go on, men. You know what needs doing.
Grab spoons and pass them around.
1204
01:18:25,367 --> 01:18:27,745
Ten on the bow, five on the stern.
1205
01:18:27,912 --> 01:18:30,998
-Yes, sir!
-We're not dying today, men.
1206
01:18:31,165 --> 01:18:32,583
Not today.
1207
01:18:32,833 --> 01:18:34,460
PEAS
1208
01:18:42,176 --> 01:18:44,053
Keep going! Keep going!
1209
01:18:52,853 --> 01:18:54,021
Faster!
1210
01:18:54,271 --> 01:18:55,981
Faster! Faster!
1211
01:19:01,237 --> 01:19:03,572
And now, secure the ventilation!
1212
01:19:03,739 --> 01:19:05,908
Get everything out that's not essential.
1213
01:19:11,080 --> 01:19:12,706
Well done. Keep it up.
1214
01:19:12,957 --> 01:19:15,584
Fart us off this godforsaken rock!
1215
01:19:38,941 --> 01:19:40,609
I've earned this.
1216
01:19:40,859 --> 01:19:42,569
No!
1217
01:19:48,409 --> 01:19:50,911
And this example clearly illustrates
1218
01:19:51,078 --> 01:19:54,707
why we humans have become
the dominant species on this planet.
1219
01:19:55,582 --> 01:19:58,585
No matter how dire
the situation appears,
1220
01:19:58,752 --> 01:20:04,091
our extremely highly developed brain
always finds a creative solution.
1221
01:20:04,925 --> 01:20:10,556
And now that we've found nuclear power,
an almost inexhaustible energy source,
1222
01:20:10,723 --> 01:20:15,102
nothing stands in the way of
our expansion into the universe either.
1223
01:20:16,854 --> 01:20:19,732
That's right, muchachos
brace yourselves.
1224
01:20:19,898 --> 01:20:21,525
We're coming.
1225
01:20:25,070 --> 01:20:27,823
Oops. Well, there are always losses.
1226
01:20:29,241 --> 01:20:34,788
And you can always visit us for a glass
of eggnog and windmill cookies.
1227
01:20:34,955 --> 01:20:37,458
Today, if you can, because we...
1228
01:21:11,492 --> 01:21:16,622
And you can always visit us for a glass
of eggnog and windmill cookies.
1229
01:21:17,247 --> 01:21:19,708
Today, if you can, because we...
1230
01:21:22,461 --> 01:21:25,631
are having a Christmas party today!
1231
01:21:35,641 --> 01:21:38,435
DECEMBER 22, 1976
1232
01:21:43,816 --> 01:21:45,651
This is madness, this is!
1233
01:21:45,818 --> 01:21:47,528
Totally crazy.
1234
01:21:47,778 --> 01:21:49,613
-You were good!
-You too!
1235
01:21:55,244 --> 01:21:59,790
My dear NASA employees,
I hope our little Christmas movie
1236
01:21:59,957 --> 01:22:02,626
was as much fun to watch
as it was for us to make.
1237
01:22:02,793 --> 01:22:05,254
We put our blood, sweat
and tears into this.
1238
01:22:06,004 --> 01:22:11,009
And, to be honest, a considerable share
of our budget for the coming year.
1239
01:22:11,593 --> 01:22:15,097
Taxpayers don't necessarily
need to know that.
1240
01:22:17,015 --> 01:22:18,100
Thanks“.
1241
01:22:18,267 --> 01:22:21,478
Thanks to your effort and your talent,
1242
01:22:21,645 --> 01:22:25,899
Voyager II is ready to go and can launch
in only a few weeks.
1243
01:22:26,066 --> 01:22:28,402
But I'd say it's better if it does that
1244
01:22:28,652 --> 01:22:30,696
with the real Golden Record!
1245
01:22:41,081 --> 01:22:45,252
I thank every single one of you again.
Let's have a terrific party.
1246
01:22:45,419 --> 01:22:48,005
On that note, ho ho ho!
1247
01:22:56,722 --> 01:23:00,392
Jessica. Jessica!
Could you come here for a second?
1248
01:23:02,144 --> 01:23:06,190
Could you do me a big favor
and take this to the Voyager hangar?
1249
01:23:06,440 --> 01:23:08,442
I need to see to the guests.
1250
01:23:08,609 --> 01:23:09,902
Why not?
1251
01:23:10,152 --> 01:23:14,072
Oh, and put the Christmas movie
on the desk in my office.
1252
01:23:15,032 --> 01:23:18,410
But it's very important
you don't mix the two of them up.
1253
01:23:20,245 --> 01:23:21,997
It's not that hard.
1254
01:23:22,247 --> 01:23:24,374
Yeah, well, all the better. Hey!
1255
01:23:39,556 --> 01:23:42,059
APRIL 25, 2050
1256
01:24:12,422 --> 01:24:14,883
With this speech, many years ago,
1257
01:24:15,050 --> 01:24:19,805
I accused the governments of this planet
of stealing my generation's future,
1258
01:24:19,972 --> 01:24:23,684
but I'd never have thought
what happened then to be possible.
1259
01:24:25,102 --> 01:24:28,605
Almost every nation took radical steps
1260
01:24:28,772 --> 01:24:31,275
to reduce CO2 emissions on Earth
1261
01:24:31,900 --> 01:24:34,278
and to prevent global warming.
1262
01:24:34,903 --> 01:24:37,406
That's why today, I can proudly announce
1263
01:24:37,656 --> 01:24:40,617
that 97 percent of scientists agree
1264
01:24:41,493 --> 01:24:46,290
that we have achieved our goal
and have warded off climate change.
1265
01:24:47,833 --> 01:24:49,876
The future of our planet
1266
01:24:50,377 --> 01:24:52,004
is secured.
1267
01:25:45,766 --> 01:25:47,768
Damn solar module.
1268
01:25:48,226 --> 01:25:50,979
This alligator wrench
will give me a slipped disc.
1269
01:25:51,146 --> 01:25:54,900
The Russians have totally stripped
these screws.
1270
01:25:55,067 --> 01:25:58,987
They have to tell a guy
he needs special tools.
1271
01:25:59,655 --> 01:26:02,074
I mean, I believe they did say that.
1272
01:26:02,240 --> 01:26:04,368
But it needs to be said right.
1273
01:26:04,534 --> 01:26:06,745
Oh, yeah. True.
1274
01:26:06,912 --> 01:26:10,666
"Build a new ISS," those guys
from engineering sure are something.
1275
01:26:10,832 --> 01:26:13,794
We're definitely billing extra
for all of this.
1276
01:26:14,044 --> 01:26:16,838
-This has got me steaming.
-Don't scrimp.
1277
01:26:17,089 --> 01:26:19,341
What's the fee for zero gravity?
1278
01:26:19,591 --> 01:26:21,426
Well, at least...
1279
01:26:22,844 --> 01:26:24,513
Jürgen, pinch me.
1280
01:26:25,347 --> 01:26:29,685
Either I'm suffering
from some major oxygen deprivation here
1281
01:26:30,394 --> 01:26:32,938
or the Brandenburg Gate
is floating past us.
1282
01:26:33,105 --> 01:26:34,272
What'?
1283
01:26:34,439 --> 01:26:36,149
That's in Berlin.
1284
01:26:36,316 --> 01:26:37,901
On Earth.
1285
01:26:39,194 --> 01:26:41,947
Apropos Earth, where is it anyway?
1286
01:26:44,783 --> 01:26:49,621
Um, Jürgen, our storeroom Wilmersdorf,
did you, the big propane cylinder...
1287
01:26:49,788 --> 01:26:51,998
did you close it tight before we left?
1288
01:26:52,165 --> 01:26:55,877
Of course, right and proper,
counterclockwise.
1289
01:26:56,044 --> 01:26:58,130
What'? Counter and not clockwise?
1290
01:26:58,296 --> 01:27:01,758
-No, clockwise is open.
-No, counter is open.
1291
01:27:01,925 --> 01:27:05,137
-Counter is open?
-Since when did counter mean open?
1292
01:27:05,303 --> 01:27:07,514
Open is closed. Clockwise is counter.
1293
01:27:07,681 --> 01:27:09,349
What's what?
1294
01:27:09,516 --> 01:27:11,143
Right, I'm out.
1295
01:27:13,603 --> 01:27:16,273
-Earth and the life of humankind
-All dead and gone
1296
01:27:16,523 --> 01:27:19,025
-Had only money on my mind
-Maggots on bone
1297
01:27:19,276 --> 01:27:21,987
-Humanity from Genesis
-Completely erased
1298
01:27:22,237 --> 01:27:24,781
-Eifel Tower, acropolis
-Ashes and waste
1299
01:27:25,031 --> 01:27:28,118
-UN Charter, human rights
-No longer a thing
1300
01:27:28,368 --> 01:27:30,871
-Goals, Bibles, dirty mags
-Never again
1301
01:27:31,121 --> 01:27:33,457
-Critters, plants, beetles and bugs
-Are no more
1302
01:27:33,707 --> 01:27:36,460
-Life since Adam and Eve
-Cmd plus Z
1303
01:27:37,377 --> 01:27:39,212
No!
1304
01:27:39,463 --> 01:27:41,840
"Bye-Bye
"Bye-Bye
1305
01:27:42,090 --> 01:27:44,593
Party's over, no lie
1306
01:27:44,843 --> 01:27:47,721
Party's over, no lie
and tomorrow will be a sad sight
1307
01:27:47,971 --> 01:27:50,807
The game is over
Last one turns off the light
1308
01:27:51,057 --> 01:27:53,143
"Bye-Bye
"Bye-Bye
1309
01:27:53,393 --> 01:27:55,854
Party's over, no lie
1310
01:27:56,104 --> 01:27:59,232
Party's over, no lie
And tomorrow looks a real fright
1311
01:27:59,483 --> 01:28:03,195
The game is over
Last one turns off the light
1312
01:28:05,739 --> 01:28:08,241
-All us little people here
-Have spoiled it all
1313
01:28:08,492 --> 01:28:11,369
-Himalayas and Prenz'lberg
-Just a dust ball
1314
01:28:11,620 --> 01:28:13,955
-Where's the sweet little dodo?
-Been segmented
1315
01:28:14,206 --> 01:28:16,958
-Is there any sense to anything?
-Complicated
1316
01:28:17,209 --> 01:28:19,795
-The villages and cities
-All been razed
1317
01:28:20,045 --> 01:28:22,589
-Poets, thinkers, Dieter Bohlen
-Bygone days
1318
01:28:23,548 --> 01:28:25,675
-New York, Rio, Bielefeld?
-Just a haze
1319
01:28:25,926 --> 01:28:28,512
-Little old Berlin?
-Floatin' in space
1320
01:28:29,554 --> 01:28:31,264
Are you in?
1321
01:28:31,515 --> 01:28:32,224
Hello.
1322
01:28:32,474 --> 01:28:34,226
-What's too big?
-His penis!
1323
01:28:34,476 --> 01:28:35,894
Sure is a Whopper.
1324
01:28:36,144 --> 01:28:37,854
-Say that again.
-Valhalla!
1325
01:28:38,104 --> 01:28:40,190
Have you all completely lost it?
1326
01:28:40,440 --> 01:28:41,525
Just kidding.
1327
01:28:42,651 --> 01:28:43,485
That's sweet.
1328
01:28:43,735 --> 01:28:45,153
Kiss my ass!
1329
01:28:45,403 --> 01:28:46,363
No!
1330
01:28:46,530 --> 01:28:47,781
Gerhaaaaard!
1331
01:28:52,118 --> 01:28:53,703
-Bye -bye
-Bye -bye
1332
01:28:53,954 --> 01:28:55,789
Party's over, no lie
1333
01:28:56,039 --> 01:28:58,458
-Bye-bye
-Party's over, no lie
1334
01:28:58,708 --> 01:29:00,085
And tomorrow will be a sad sight
1335
01:29:00,335 --> 01:29:03,380
The game is over
Last one turns off the light
1336
01:29:03,630 --> 01:29:05,632
"BY e-B ye
—Bye-b ye
1337
01:29:05,882 --> 01:29:08,510
Party's over, no lie
1338
01:29:08,760 --> 01:29:11,596
Party's over, no lie
and tomorrow looks a real fright
1339
01:29:11,847 --> 01:29:14,683
The game is over
Last one turns off the light
1340
01:29:14,933 --> 01:29:17,561
We wanted to see the Maldives
On an ocean cruise
1341
01:29:17,811 --> 01:29:20,480
To eat three meat dishes
Each and every day
1342
01:29:20,730 --> 01:29:23,358
Never got enough of that nice shit
Suffice to say
1343
01:29:23,608 --> 01:29:26,069
Kim Dotcom was a lightweight
Compared to us
1344
01:29:26,319 --> 01:29:29,072
And we suspect humanity is going bust
1345
01:29:29,322 --> 01:29:31,992
That the endless growth
Is a shitty farce
1346
01:29:32,242 --> 01:29:34,744
And that after our party Mother Earth
Will be a carcass
1347
01:29:34,995 --> 01:29:38,331
So we take one last look
From the ghost ship
1348
01:29:38,582 --> 01:29:41,459
-From the ghost ship
-Bye-Bye
1349
01:29:41,710 --> 01:29:44,629
The party's over, no lie
1350
01:30:43,355 --> 01:30:47,067
This is a bit like Dr.BEST.
Dr.BEST dental care.
1351
01:30:48,485 --> 01:30:50,362
Von Freyend...
1352
01:30:51,237 --> 01:30:52,948
Not a word about this.
1353
01:30:54,366 --> 01:30:55,867
Of course not.
1354
01:30:56,785 --> 01:30:59,371
-What?
-Sure. It can happen to anyone.
1355
01:30:59,537 --> 01:31:03,541
Sure. It can happen to anyone.
Sure. It can happen to anyone.
1356
01:31:04,542 --> 01:31:07,712
He'll never be certain
all the plotters have been...
1357
01:31:07,963 --> 01:31:10,840
that all the plotters are ecstatic.
1358
01:31:11,925 --> 01:31:14,678
Are you ready for the lexical...
1359
01:31:14,844 --> 01:31:17,931
the lexical semantics of the...
1360
01:31:18,431 --> 01:31:20,976
the lexical semantics
1361
01:31:21,142 --> 01:31:23,186
of the... Of the what?
1362
01:31:23,436 --> 01:31:26,898
Semantics of the...
God damn it!
1363
01:31:27,065 --> 01:31:30,610
I can't get this sentence
out of my mouth.
1364
01:31:30,860 --> 01:31:32,862
I'm in contact with Lyudmila...
1365
01:31:33,029 --> 01:31:35,323
Pavlenchickadida.
What's her name?
1366
01:31:35,573 --> 01:31:37,534
Pavlid... Pa...
1367
01:31:37,784 --> 01:31:39,744
It's Pavlochenko, right?
1368
01:31:39,995 --> 01:31:42,080
Upav... There I go again.
1369
01:31:42,872 --> 01:31:45,542
Lyudmila Pavlochenko...
1370
01:31:49,129 --> 01:31:51,131
-What?
-Gentlemen...
1371
01:31:51,297 --> 01:31:53,633
Gentlemen,
may I introduce Jessica to you?
1372
01:31:53,800 --> 01:31:55,885
She's starting her intra...
1373
01:31:56,428 --> 01:31:58,096
I'll be right back.
1374
01:32:01,975 --> 01:32:04,436
Look at those stupid flat brows.
1375
01:32:05,729 --> 01:32:08,231
And your mic cable is
hanging out.
1376
01:32:09,733 --> 01:32:13,778
We come from the north
seeking warmer territories...
1377
01:32:16,031 --> 01:32:17,991
I've got a cough.
1378
01:32:18,241 --> 01:32:22,078
We'll play pointy stone, blunt stone,
1379
01:32:22,245 --> 01:32:24,622
round stone, flat stone.
1380
01:32:24,789 --> 01:32:27,125
We'll do it like we've always...
1381
01:32:28,460 --> 01:32:30,253
How about bricks?
1382
01:32:34,841 --> 01:32:37,677
-Well, it looks like we've won.
-Stop! Fire, fire.
1383
01:32:37,844 --> 01:32:39,137
It's burning.
1384
01:32:39,304 --> 01:32:43,266
People have to be scared shitless
1385
01:32:43,433 --> 01:32:45,560
at the sight of the mere symbol
of my selfless sacri...
1386
01:32:45,727 --> 01:32:48,063
Again. Sorry. The hair.
1387
01:32:48,313 --> 01:32:51,024
40 cans of red lentils,
60 of baby beans...
1388
01:32:51,191 --> 01:32:52,650
No! Peas.
1389
01:32:52,901 --> 01:32:55,070
40 cans of red lentils, 60 of...
1390
01:32:55,236 --> 01:32:56,946
Ah, shit! Sorry.
1391
01:32:57,197 --> 01:32:58,990
I've earned this.
1392
01:33:03,161 --> 01:33:04,162
Well...
1393
01:33:04,412 --> 01:33:06,831
But before that happens,
1394
01:33:06,998 --> 01:33:09,542
we're going to party till the gre...
1395
01:33:09,709 --> 01:33:11,377
I'll get it.
1396
01:33:11,836 --> 01:33:16,174
We're definitely billing extra
for all of this. I'm really steam...
1397
01:33:17,175 --> 01:33:21,096
But we can still gouge out
those damn Scots' ears...
1398
01:33:22,305 --> 01:33:25,433
-Sorry.
-If you bite someone's ears... Shit!
1399
01:33:25,642 --> 01:33:27,227
For example,
1400
01:33:27,393 --> 01:33:30,021
if you've bitten
someone's ears off... Shit!
1401
01:33:30,188 --> 01:33:32,148
Now that's a really...
1402
01:33:32,315 --> 01:33:34,442
really good example from...
1403
01:33:34,692 --> 01:33:37,987
Now that's a really good example
from... What was your name?
1404
01:33:38,154 --> 01:33:39,239
Uwe.
1405
01:33:39,489 --> 01:33:41,282
I mean that...
1406
01:33:41,991 --> 01:33:44,410
I mean that... i still don't know it.
1407
01:33:44,661 --> 01:33:46,663
Those who've never
been bare-assed
1408
01:33:46,830 --> 01:33:49,415
while they debloused...
deloused nuns.
1409
01:33:49,666 --> 01:33:53,378
Those who've never
been bare-assed...
1410
01:33:54,546 --> 01:33:56,881
Those who've never been bare-assed
1411
01:33:57,048 --> 01:33:58,883
while they deloused nuns
1412
01:33:59,050 --> 01:34:01,219
rarely knit big cookies.
1413
01:34:01,469 --> 01:34:05,014
Those who've never been bare-assed
while they deloused nuns
1414
01:34:05,181 --> 01:34:07,976
rarely knit big buttons.
1415
01:34:09,519 --> 01:34:10,520
Cookies.
1416
01:34:10,770 --> 01:34:13,773
Thanks, that was it for today.
Get home safely.
107945
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