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1
00:00:10,607 --> 00:00:13,469
- Oh, I'll have
a Bloody Mary. Thanks.
2
00:00:13,572 --> 00:00:15,124
Oh, I wonder if
the hotel has a pool.
3
00:00:15,227 --> 00:00:16,469
- Matt, no. I forbid you
to go swimming.
4
00:00:16,572 --> 00:00:19,607
This is the corporate retreat,
not MTV's Spring Break.
5
00:00:19,710 --> 00:00:21,848
- Jake, this is the closest
I've had to a vacation in years.
6
00:00:21,952 --> 00:00:23,434
All I wanna do
is have some fun
7
00:00:23,538 --> 00:00:25,055
and maybe
drunkenly say something
8
00:00:25,158 --> 00:00:27,158
way too personal to a coworker
that I'll always regret.
9
00:00:27,262 --> 00:00:29,158
- Matt, look. This weekend
is about one thing:
10
00:00:29,262 --> 00:00:30,745
forming superficial
relationships with people
11
00:00:30,848 --> 00:00:33,745
you can exploit in the future.
It's called networking.
12
00:00:33,848 --> 00:00:36,227
- "Shirley Moser,
SVP Marketing.
13
00:00:36,331 --> 00:00:37,227
"Son banned from Wal-Mart
14
00:00:37,331 --> 00:00:40,883
after Sudafed incident"?
What is this?
15
00:00:40,986 --> 00:00:42,055
- It's everyone I met at
last year's retreat.
16
00:00:42,158 --> 00:00:43,986
Names, emails, and one
dark secret per person
17
00:00:44,089 --> 00:00:45,434
for possible
future blackmailing.
18
00:00:45,538 --> 00:00:48,021
- Well, you're
a well-organized sociopath.
19
00:00:48,124 --> 00:00:49,365
- If you're over 30 and
don't have a spreadsheet
20
00:00:49,469 --> 00:00:51,227
of everyone you've ever met,
you're behind in life.
21
00:00:51,331 --> 00:00:53,986
- I'm so bad with names.
And faces.
22
00:00:54,089 --> 00:00:56,262
I have close friends
whose names I don't know.
23
00:00:56,365 --> 00:00:58,745
- Oh, my God!
24
00:01:00,089 --> 00:01:02,021
- I knew it! I knew
our pilot sucked.
25
00:01:02,124 --> 00:01:03,538
He was too folksy
on the PA.
26
00:01:03,641 --> 00:01:05,779
- Jake, I just want you
to know that you're
27
00:01:05,883 --> 00:01:09,055
my best friend--at work.
You're my best work friend.
28
00:01:09,158 --> 00:01:10,814
- Oh, my God!
I've wasted my whole life!
29
00:01:13,814 --> 00:01:14,710
- I forgive you.
30
00:01:14,814 --> 00:01:17,055
- Are we... Okay?
31
00:01:18,089 --> 00:01:18,917
- Good news.
32
00:01:19,021 --> 00:01:20,745
That crash you just experienced
33
00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:22,296
was just a simulation.
34
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:26,745
- Surprise! And our apologies
if you were traumatized.
35
00:01:26,848 --> 00:01:28,400
- Fun fact: Coworkers
who have co-survived
36
00:01:28,503 --> 00:01:30,710
a near-death experience
are more bonded
37
00:01:30,814 --> 00:01:33,538
than coworkers who have
not almost co-died together.
38
00:01:33,641 --> 00:01:37,400
- So, congrats! Oh,
and if your final thoughts
39
00:01:37,503 --> 00:01:40,503
weren't of Hampton DeVille,
then you've got a lot
40
00:01:40,607 --> 00:01:42,676
of work to do this weekend.
Happy retreat!
41
00:02:02,848 --> 00:02:06,469
- Hello, and welcome,
Hampton DeVillionaires...
42
00:02:07,745 --> 00:02:09,055
- To the first day
of the rest
43
00:02:09,158 --> 00:02:10,262
of your corporate lives.
44
00:02:10,365 --> 00:02:11,952
- Now, go ahead,
put your hands together
45
00:02:12,055 --> 00:02:13,676
for "Inside Trader"
magazine's
46
00:02:13,779 --> 00:02:16,055
most motivating
motivational speakers
47
00:02:16,158 --> 00:02:20,952
of 2012, 2013,
and 2K-16...
48
00:02:21,055 --> 00:02:24,124
both:
Jeff and Gretchen Palmer!
49
00:02:32,365 --> 00:02:33,848
- Re-certivity!
50
00:02:33,952 --> 00:02:35,814
- Re-turbulation.
51
00:02:35,917 --> 00:02:37,607
- Acrownting.
52
00:02:37,710 --> 00:02:38,710
- Analystix.
53
00:02:38,814 --> 00:02:42,779
- Constanceuance.
- Inter-trans-deviation.
54
00:02:42,883 --> 00:02:44,779
both: Sporg.
55
00:02:44,883 --> 00:02:47,952
- None of those words
made any sense, right?
56
00:02:48,055 --> 00:02:50,193
But you listened to them.
Why?
57
00:02:50,296 --> 00:02:52,158
Because we said them
with confidence.
58
00:02:53,538 --> 00:02:55,262
- That's not funny.
59
00:02:55,365 --> 00:02:56,745
- Just laugh. If you
pretend to be brainwashed,
60
00:02:56,848 --> 00:02:59,227
they can't brainwash you.
61
00:02:59,331 --> 00:03:01,365
- "Team." That's a real word,
isn't it, Jeff?
62
00:03:01,469 --> 00:03:04,158
- That's right, Gretch.
In fact, every corporation
63
00:03:04,262 --> 00:03:05,745
is kind of like a team,
right?
64
00:03:05,848 --> 00:03:07,848
Hell, every marriage
is like a team, right, hon?
65
00:03:07,952 --> 00:03:11,986
- And my husband Jeff and I
are the ultimate team.
66
00:03:12,089 --> 00:03:13,883
Do you wanna know why?
67
00:03:13,986 --> 00:03:16,434
Do you want to know why?
68
00:03:16,538 --> 00:03:19,021
Because we are total...
69
00:03:19,124 --> 00:03:20,986
both: AHOLEs!
70
00:03:21,089 --> 00:03:22,089
- That's right!
71
00:03:22,193 --> 00:03:24,400
"Alphas Who Only
Like Excellence."
72
00:03:24,503 --> 00:03:27,503
That's what we are,
and that's what you can be.
73
00:03:27,607 --> 00:03:32,262
Who out there, Hampton DeVille,
wants to be an AHOLE?
74
00:03:32,365 --> 00:03:34,883
Come on! Anybody?
75
00:03:34,986 --> 00:03:36,676
- What are you doing?
Never participate.
76
00:03:36,779 --> 00:03:38,814
- Hey, how about you?
All right, this guy!
77
00:03:42,193 --> 00:03:44,710
All right, look at
this big, tall giraffe.
78
00:03:44,814 --> 00:03:45,883
Okay?
79
00:03:45,986 --> 00:03:48,158
Tell everyone your name,
you big, tall giraffe.
80
00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:49,055
- Uh, it's Matt.
81
00:03:49,158 --> 00:03:52,021
Human being,
not a giraffe.
82
00:03:54,193 --> 00:03:56,917
- All right. Hey,
took a lot of courage
83
00:03:57,021 --> 00:03:58,400
to volunteer like that,
Matt.
84
00:03:58,503 --> 00:04:00,952
- Oh, yeah, no. I mean,
all I did was raise my hand.
85
00:04:01,055 --> 00:04:02,331
It's not rocket science, right?
86
00:04:04,331 --> 00:04:07,227
- Okay, Matt.
Um, let's go ahead,
87
00:04:07,331 --> 00:04:09,331
and let's do
a little hypothetical.
88
00:04:09,434 --> 00:04:12,607
Let's say you're at
a restaurant, and you find
89
00:04:12,710 --> 00:04:14,538
a little hair
inside of your food.
90
00:04:14,641 --> 00:04:17,331
How do you handle
that situation?
91
00:04:17,434 --> 00:04:19,848
- Oh, I mean, I'd probably
just take the hair out
92
00:04:19,952 --> 00:04:21,262
and still eat the food.
93
00:04:21,365 --> 00:04:23,089
I don't sweat the small stuff.
94
00:04:23,193 --> 00:04:24,503
- Oh.
- Wow.
95
00:04:24,607 --> 00:04:25,607
- Wow. That truly is amazing.
96
00:04:25,710 --> 00:04:27,676
Let's applaud for that.
That's amazing.
97
00:04:27,779 --> 00:04:31,848
- Yeah, yeah. That's amazing.
You know why it's amazing?
98
00:04:31,952 --> 00:04:34,779
'Cause I've never seen
raw human dog shit talk.
99
00:04:37,262 --> 00:04:39,434
- What?
- Whoa, he keeps making noises!
100
00:04:39,538 --> 00:04:41,021
This is some talkative
dog shit.
101
00:04:42,538 --> 00:04:43,641
- Seriously, Matt.
102
00:04:43,745 --> 00:04:46,021
I mean, you must really
think of yourself as
103
00:04:46,124 --> 00:04:48,952
unflushed toilet water
to think that you deserve
104
00:04:49,055 --> 00:04:51,400
to eat food with hair in it.
105
00:04:51,503 --> 00:04:53,883
I think that
it is clear to me,
106
00:04:53,986 --> 00:04:57,089
to my baby Jeff,
to everyone in this room,
107
00:04:57,193 --> 00:04:59,193
that you are
a very weak person.
108
00:04:59,296 --> 00:05:01,469
Would you agree
with that statement?
109
00:05:01,572 --> 00:05:02,848
- No, I don't think so.
110
00:05:02,952 --> 00:05:05,262
- Wrong answer,
toilet giraffe.
111
00:05:05,365 --> 00:05:07,469
But guess what?
We are gonna mold you
112
00:05:07,572 --> 00:05:11,641
from a weak pile
of dog shit into an...
113
00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:14,055
both: AHOLE!
- Yeah!
114
00:05:15,089 --> 00:05:18,400
- Yeah!
Come on, guys.
115
00:05:19,641 --> 00:05:20,503
- Am I a weak person?
116
00:05:20,607 --> 00:05:22,814
- Well, you're definitely weak.
117
00:05:22,917 --> 00:05:24,089
I don't know
if you're a person.
118
00:05:24,193 --> 00:05:27,296
- I just always thought
of myself as confident.
119
00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:28,745
You think I'm confident,
right, Jake?
120
00:05:28,848 --> 00:05:31,124
- No.
- Okay, that's fair.
121
00:05:31,227 --> 00:05:32,296
- Now let's get dressed.
122
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:33,986
We're going
to the networking mixer.
123
00:05:34,089 --> 00:05:35,400
- I'm not really
in a networking mood.
124
00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:37,365
The whole company thinks
I'm a toilet giraffe.
125
00:05:37,469 --> 00:05:39,262
I think I'm just gonna
go to the pool.
126
00:05:39,365 --> 00:05:40,883
- Nobody's ever in
a networking mood.
127
00:05:40,986 --> 00:05:42,434
It's just something we do
to survive,
128
00:05:42,538 --> 00:05:44,055
like lying to your therapist.
129
00:05:44,158 --> 00:05:47,193
Now let's go trick
some people into liking us.
130
00:05:47,296 --> 00:05:51,124
- Oh...
Okay.
131
00:05:57,641 --> 00:05:58,986
- And how's that lovely
girlfriend of yours, Seth?
132
00:05:59,089 --> 00:06:00,745
And how's that adorable son
of yours, Connie?
133
00:06:00,848 --> 00:06:02,193
And how's
your prostate, Jerry?
134
00:06:02,296 --> 00:06:05,089
- And how's that adorable little
daughter of yours, Melanie?
135
00:06:05,193 --> 00:06:08,227
- Dead.
And my name is Julie.
136
00:06:08,331 --> 00:06:09,434
- ♪ Oh, my God
137
00:06:09,538 --> 00:06:10,986
♪ Did I just say that aloud?
138
00:06:11,089 --> 00:06:13,021
♪ Should have known
in this kind of place ♪
139
00:06:13,124 --> 00:06:15,227
♪ That sort of thing
just wasn't allowed ♪
140
00:06:15,331 --> 00:06:17,400
♪ Should have known by...
141
00:06:17,503 --> 00:06:18,641
- Do you guys
like politics, or...
142
00:06:18,745 --> 00:06:20,434
Do you wanna network
with me?
143
00:06:20,538 --> 00:06:22,331
- Great.
- You know what, never mind.
144
00:06:28,331 --> 00:06:30,262
I'm sorry, I don't know
why I'm apologizing so much,
145
00:06:30,365 --> 00:06:32,710
but I've been saying sorry
to a lot of people tonight.
146
00:06:34,676 --> 00:06:37,572
Hopefully we can be
business partners, or...
147
00:06:37,676 --> 00:06:39,296
We can stay in touch.
We'll stay in touch.
148
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,021
I'll put you
in an Excel spreadsheet.
149
00:06:50,296 --> 00:06:52,607
- ♪ Like I give a
150
00:06:52,710 --> 00:06:55,262
♪ Like I give a shit
about that ♪
151
00:06:55,365 --> 00:06:56,710
♪ Like I give a
152
00:06:56,814 --> 00:06:59,021
♪ Like I give a shit
about that ♪
153
00:07:04,848 --> 00:07:05,952
- Nice talking to you, Tim,
154
00:07:06,055 --> 00:07:07,227
and good luck
with your worm farm!
155
00:07:07,331 --> 00:07:10,469
Hey, my contacts!
156
00:07:10,572 --> 00:07:12,814
- Pssh. Bill Patterson?
He'll give his card
157
00:07:12,917 --> 00:07:15,124
to the bathroom attendant.
- Well, I have a comprehensive
158
00:07:15,227 --> 00:07:17,193
Excel spreadsheet
with over 500 names, emails,
159
00:07:17,296 --> 00:07:19,503
and personal details, so
I think I know how to network.
160
00:07:19,607 --> 00:07:22,986
- Excel, huh? That's cute.
I use Google Docs myself
161
00:07:23,089 --> 00:07:24,952
'cause I'm actually serious
about networking.
162
00:07:27,710 --> 00:07:30,262
"Jake Levinson, Junior
Executive in Training."
163
00:07:30,365 --> 00:07:31,779
Pleasure to meet you.
164
00:07:31,883 --> 00:07:35,745
- "Natasha Riggs, Junior VP
of HD Analytics." Same.
165
00:07:36,986 --> 00:07:38,365
I'd love to
keep in touch, Natasha.
166
00:07:38,469 --> 00:07:41,158
- Are you trying
to network with me?
167
00:07:41,262 --> 00:07:43,124
- Abso-fucking-lutely.
168
00:07:46,883 --> 00:07:48,400
- I didn't know you laugh.
169
00:07:48,503 --> 00:07:50,641
- I do. Hey, I'll have
another piña colada.
170
00:07:50,745 --> 00:07:52,055
- Make it two.
- You know, John, it has
171
00:07:52,158 --> 00:07:53,779
been great to get to know you
outside the office,
172
00:07:53,883 --> 00:07:55,779
get to know the real you,
et cetera.
173
00:07:55,883 --> 00:07:57,710
Along those lines,
here's an idea--
174
00:07:57,814 --> 00:07:58,848
and I'm open
to discussion on it.
175
00:07:58,952 --> 00:08:01,331
- Okay.
- What if we fucked?
176
00:08:01,434 --> 00:08:03,710
- Huh.
Well, that's interesting.
177
00:08:03,814 --> 00:08:05,745
I'm definitely open
to the idea.
178
00:08:05,848 --> 00:08:07,538
Should we maybe make a list
of pros and cons?
179
00:08:07,641 --> 00:08:08,710
- Oh, yeah.
Excellent suggestion.
180
00:08:08,814 --> 00:08:10,227
- Great.
- Okay, here's a pro.
181
00:08:10,331 --> 00:08:11,676
Retreat sex
is the best sex.
182
00:08:11,779 --> 00:08:14,469
- True. Pro:
Sex between us could be
183
00:08:14,572 --> 00:08:16,469
a team-building exercise.
- True.
184
00:08:16,572 --> 00:08:17,572
Now here's a con.
185
00:08:17,676 --> 00:08:18,848
Sex could be
the biggest mistake
186
00:08:18,952 --> 00:08:20,469
of our lives.
- Oh, for sure.
187
00:08:20,572 --> 00:08:22,296
- Excuse me, bartender?
Excuse me.
188
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,434
- Bartender! Bourbon, neat,
189
00:08:24,538 --> 00:08:27,607
and a vodka soda with two limes
for my lady. Thank you, sir.
190
00:08:27,710 --> 00:08:29,607
Oh, hey, Matt.
Didn't see you there at all.
191
00:08:29,710 --> 00:08:31,434
Do you want something
from the bar?
192
00:08:31,538 --> 00:08:33,296
I've got the
bartender's attention.
193
00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:34,607
- Guess I'll take a whiskey.
194
00:08:34,710 --> 00:08:37,296
- Whiskey, please.
For my friend.
195
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:40,089
- Hey. Sorry for singling you
out back there before.
196
00:08:40,193 --> 00:08:41,917
I know that can feel
pretty embarrassing,
197
00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:43,331
but it really is
a good thing.
198
00:08:43,434 --> 00:08:45,710
- First step to being
a fully confident human being
199
00:08:45,814 --> 00:08:47,572
is to be truly ashamed
of yourself.
200
00:08:47,676 --> 00:08:49,503
We're actually throwing
a seminar tomorrow
201
00:08:49,607 --> 00:08:50,848
for the highers-up.
202
00:08:50,952 --> 00:08:53,262
If you want to join,
there's an open slot.
203
00:08:53,365 --> 00:08:55,469
- Why? So you can call me
"dog shit giraffe" again?
204
00:08:55,572 --> 00:08:58,607
Uh, no, probably not.
205
00:08:58,710 --> 00:09:00,986
Look, there is something
truly great in you.
206
00:09:01,089 --> 00:09:03,021
You just gotta
tap that potential.
207
00:09:03,124 --> 00:09:05,607
- Seminar's tomorrow at
9:00 a.m. by the swimming pond.
208
00:09:07,021 --> 00:09:10,641
Let's pretend
this is a safe space.
209
00:09:10,745 --> 00:09:12,779
Sharing intimate secrets
with coworkers can
210
00:09:12,883 --> 00:09:14,710
bond us together
and increase communication
211
00:09:14,814 --> 00:09:16,607
in the workplace.
212
00:09:16,710 --> 00:09:19,814
- Now, who wants to share first?
213
00:09:21,158 --> 00:09:23,572
- I never admitted this before,
but...
214
00:09:23,676 --> 00:09:27,710
I hate my grandkids.
They just suck.
215
00:09:27,814 --> 00:09:31,296
- One time I hit a deer
with my car...
216
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:32,814
because I wanted to.
217
00:09:32,917 --> 00:09:36,158
- Look, I am just gonna
say this: I am a cutter,
218
00:09:36,262 --> 00:09:37,607
and that works for me.
219
00:09:37,710 --> 00:09:39,676
- And that's when I realized
220
00:09:39,779 --> 00:09:44,572
I had inadvertently
helped do 9/11.
221
00:09:44,676 --> 00:09:46,296
- Beautiful.
- So, so great. Gorgeous.
222
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:49,365
Let's all give Ted
a big round of applause
223
00:09:49,469 --> 00:09:52,538
and help him
feel supported.
224
00:09:52,641 --> 00:09:54,986
- Support Ted.
225
00:09:55,089 --> 00:09:57,296
Okay, seems like
everyone has shared.
226
00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:59,676
Except for you, Matt.
227
00:09:59,779 --> 00:10:03,089
Matt, why so shy?
228
00:10:03,193 --> 00:10:05,676
- Oh, yeah, I-I don't
really know if this is for me.
229
00:10:05,779 --> 00:10:07,365
I might just go for a swim.
230
00:10:07,469 --> 00:10:08,676
- Come on, Matt.
We've all shared
231
00:10:08,779 --> 00:10:11,538
with each other,
except for you.
232
00:10:11,641 --> 00:10:13,089
Just tell us something simple.
Be confident.
233
00:10:13,193 --> 00:10:16,021
Like, how did you lose
your virginity?
234
00:10:16,124 --> 00:10:18,848
- Oh. Uh...
235
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:23,365
Okay.
Well, I was in college,
236
00:10:23,469 --> 00:10:26,848
and it was Halloween night,
and we were watching a movie.
237
00:10:26,952 --> 00:10:30,365
- Spooky. What movie?
238
00:10:30,469 --> 00:10:32,227
- I'd rather not say.
239
00:10:32,331 --> 00:10:34,331
both: Come on, come on.
240
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:36,607
- It was "Hocus Pocus."
241
00:10:36,710 --> 00:10:38,641
- Excellent film.
242
00:10:38,745 --> 00:10:40,676
- Anyway, I got distracted
by the movie,
243
00:10:40,779 --> 00:10:41,710
and it lasted
way too long,
244
00:10:41,814 --> 00:10:44,538
and that's
the end of that story.
245
00:10:44,641 --> 00:10:46,952
- No, no, no, no.
It's not, Matt.
246
00:10:47,055 --> 00:10:48,814
We gotta go
way, way deeper.
247
00:10:49,814 --> 00:10:51,055
Way deeper.
248
00:10:56,779 --> 00:10:59,158
- I fully trust you
with my heart and mind
249
00:10:59,262 --> 00:11:01,676
to close-shave me
with a straight-edge razor.
250
00:11:01,779 --> 00:11:02,917
- I accept and honor
your trust
251
00:11:03,021 --> 00:11:05,262
and wish you
the very best of luck.
252
00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:06,572
- Well, look who's here.
253
00:11:06,676 --> 00:11:08,089
- Ow, my face.
254
00:11:08,193 --> 00:11:09,986
- Oh, sorry, Cliff,
but you moved.
255
00:11:10,089 --> 00:11:11,676
- Didn't think
you were the trust-shave,
256
00:11:11,779 --> 00:11:13,089
team-building type.
257
00:11:13,193 --> 00:11:14,779
- Oh, so you were
thinking about me.
258
00:11:14,883 --> 00:11:16,848
Now I have a personal tidbit
to put about you in
259
00:11:16,952 --> 00:11:19,331
my Excel spreadsheet:
"Thinks about Jake... A lot."
260
00:11:19,434 --> 00:11:22,952
- And I have something to put
about you in my Google Doc:
261
00:11:23,055 --> 00:11:26,641
"Suffers from narcissistic
personality disorder."
262
00:11:26,745 --> 00:11:27,641
Wanna get out of here?
263
00:11:27,745 --> 00:11:31,503
- Fine. Twist my arm.
264
00:11:31,607 --> 00:11:34,365
- Jake?
265
00:11:36,193 --> 00:11:38,193
I fully trust you
with my heart and mind.
266
00:11:38,296 --> 00:11:41,883
- And then Bette Midler
sang a Broadway rendition
267
00:11:41,986 --> 00:11:44,952
of "I Put a Spell on You,"
and then I, uh--
268
00:11:45,055 --> 00:11:47,296
- Give it to us, Matt.
- Share, Matt.
269
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:48,779
- I camed.
270
00:11:50,814 --> 00:11:53,227
- Good work, Matt.
Good work.
271
00:11:53,331 --> 00:11:54,848
- Give Matt a hug.
Show him some support.
272
00:11:54,952 --> 00:11:56,917
- Everybody touch his body.
273
00:11:57,021 --> 00:11:59,986
Wrap your arms around his neck
and love him.
274
00:12:04,055 --> 00:12:05,814
- So, yeah, basically,
I analyze data,
275
00:12:05,917 --> 00:12:07,434
and I put it into graphs
and whatever.
276
00:12:07,538 --> 00:12:08,917
I'm extremely good at it,
277
00:12:09,021 --> 00:12:11,641
and I wake up every morning
wanting to die.
278
00:12:11,745 --> 00:12:14,779
- You wanna die?
I wanna die.
279
00:12:14,883 --> 00:12:18,021
- We have so much in common.
- Mm-hmm.
280
00:12:18,124 --> 00:12:21,089
I bet we're missing some
great seminars right now.
281
00:12:21,193 --> 00:12:23,365
- Oh, yeah. I had my eyes
on the "How to Embezzle Money
282
00:12:23,469 --> 00:12:25,021
While Still Looking
Really Awesome" seminar,
283
00:12:25,124 --> 00:12:26,848
but I already kind of
know how to do that.
284
00:12:26,952 --> 00:12:30,434
- Ooh, we're not
the only ones playing hooky.
285
00:12:30,538 --> 00:12:32,538
See that redheaded guy
about to dive in?
286
00:12:32,641 --> 00:12:34,641
- Mm-hmm.
- Greg Wilkins, chief of
287
00:12:34,745 --> 00:12:36,779
product development,
HD San Francisco.
288
00:12:36,883 --> 00:12:38,676
- And he cheats on his wife
with Julie Powell,
289
00:12:38,779 --> 00:12:40,158
VP Hampton DeVille,
west Oregon.
290
00:12:40,262 --> 00:12:42,055
- Hmm.
291
00:12:42,158 --> 00:12:43,641
- You're not married, are you?
292
00:12:43,745 --> 00:12:46,089
- No, I'm not,
which severely decreases
293
00:12:46,193 --> 00:12:48,779
the chances that we'll
have sex on this retreat.
294
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:53,296
- Wait, Mark Cuban,
Condoleezza Rice,
295
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:54,710
and the Barefoot Contessa
are all AHOLEs?
296
00:12:54,814 --> 00:12:57,089
- Mm-hmm, and
her husband Jeffrey.
297
00:12:57,193 --> 00:12:58,917
Really, you're no different
from any of them, Matt.
298
00:12:59,021 --> 00:13:00,641
- We think
you're special, Matt.
299
00:13:00,745 --> 00:13:02,607
I can feel
your confidence growing.
300
00:13:02,710 --> 00:13:05,538
Just a few more exercises
and you'll be a full AHOLE.
301
00:13:05,641 --> 00:13:07,710
- Oh yeah. Big-time AHOLE.
302
00:13:07,814 --> 00:13:09,193
Come on, let's pray.
303
00:13:09,296 --> 00:13:13,227
Heavenly Father, thank you
for giving me the confidence
304
00:13:13,331 --> 00:13:15,883
to purchase this food
with my hard-earned money,
305
00:13:15,986 --> 00:13:18,193
which I got without
any of your help,
306
00:13:18,296 --> 00:13:21,021
because you don't exist.
Amen.
307
00:13:21,124 --> 00:13:22,296
- Amen!
- Amen.
308
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:23,745
- Let's eat.
309
00:13:26,814 --> 00:13:29,469
- Ew, gross.
There's a hair in my food.
310
00:13:29,572 --> 00:13:32,021
- Oh. Yeah, gross.
311
00:13:32,124 --> 00:13:33,021
I guess mistakes happen,
huh?
312
00:13:33,124 --> 00:13:35,124
Look, why don't
you just throw it out
313
00:13:35,227 --> 00:13:36,434
and move on with your life,
like you said, right?
314
00:13:37,917 --> 00:13:41,331
- N--no. I deserve
better than this.
315
00:13:41,434 --> 00:13:45,538
I'm gonna say something.
Excuse me, waitress?
316
00:13:45,641 --> 00:13:48,676
There's a problem with my food,
when you get a second.
317
00:13:48,779 --> 00:13:50,193
- Can I help you, sir?
318
00:13:50,296 --> 00:13:51,710
- I certainly hope
you can help me.
319
00:13:51,814 --> 00:13:54,676
Look at this hair.
My dinner is ruined.
320
00:13:54,779 --> 00:13:55,814
- Stronger, Matt.
321
00:13:55,917 --> 00:13:57,883
- I mean, you ruined it.
322
00:13:57,986 --> 00:13:59,572
You ruined my dinner.
323
00:13:59,676 --> 00:14:02,779
- I'm terribly sorry, sir.
I'll get you a new Cobb salad.
324
00:14:02,883 --> 00:14:05,469
- No, let me finish.
I'm a human being
325
00:14:05,572 --> 00:14:09,469
and essentially an executive,
and I deserve respect.
326
00:14:09,572 --> 00:14:11,917
- Of course, sir.
I'll comp the salad and then...
327
00:14:12,021 --> 00:14:13,779
- Get her, Matt.
- I'll go get you another one.
328
00:14:13,883 --> 00:14:15,814
- Fuck you!
I hope you die.
329
00:14:15,917 --> 00:14:18,193
- Easy, easy. Good, but...
330
00:14:18,296 --> 00:14:19,434
Ruin her day, not her life.
331
00:14:19,538 --> 00:14:21,676
Good, though. Good stuff.
332
00:14:24,745 --> 00:14:26,227
- So I've just been
going to parties lately
333
00:14:26,331 --> 00:14:27,745
and stealing things.
- I think that's smart.
334
00:14:27,848 --> 00:14:30,917
- Thanks.
- So... This is me.
335
00:14:31,021 --> 00:14:32,469
- Well, I--I would
invite myself in,
336
00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:34,503
but I never mix
sex and networking.
337
00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:35,745
- Probably for the best.
338
00:14:35,848 --> 00:14:38,124
Having sex with me is like
having sex on ecstasy.
339
00:14:38,227 --> 00:14:39,296
You'll be depressed
for six months afterwards.
340
00:14:43,538 --> 00:14:44,469
- I really gotta thank
you guys.
341
00:14:44,572 --> 00:14:46,055
Without you,
I never would have had
342
00:14:46,158 --> 00:14:47,710
the confidence to stand up
for myself.
343
00:14:47,814 --> 00:14:49,193
- You should
thank yourself, Matt.
344
00:14:49,296 --> 00:14:50,848
You're the one
who made that waitress cry.
345
00:14:50,952 --> 00:14:52,296
- Well, thanks, me.
346
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:54,917
Man, I feel like
a whole new person.
347
00:14:55,021 --> 00:14:56,400
- You know, that's great, Matt.
348
00:14:56,503 --> 00:14:59,848
But right behind this door
is the final test.
349
00:15:11,089 --> 00:15:13,296
- Whoa, wait. I'm sorry.
What's going on?
350
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:14,814
I thought you two
were married.
351
00:15:14,917 --> 00:15:16,641
- Well, exactly.
We're a team.
352
00:15:16,745 --> 00:15:19,158
- I'm gonna watch.
353
00:15:21,572 --> 00:15:25,710
- Oh! Oh...
354
00:15:27,089 --> 00:15:30,055
- I'm so happy
we're doing this, finally.
355
00:15:30,158 --> 00:15:30,917
- You're doing great.
- Thank you.
356
00:15:31,021 --> 00:15:33,745
You're doing so well.
357
00:15:33,848 --> 00:15:36,296
Oh! Yes.
358
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,124
- I was a virgin
until we had sex.
359
00:15:38,227 --> 00:15:39,193
- Oh my God.
- Yeah.
360
00:15:39,296 --> 00:15:40,883
I hated it.
I'm never gonna do it again.
361
00:15:40,986 --> 00:15:42,158
- So you're in love
with me now?
362
00:15:44,296 --> 00:15:48,055
- Uh, Matt? Could you give us
a minute or go away forever?
363
00:15:49,331 --> 00:15:50,779
- Do whatever
you're gonna do.
364
00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:53,503
Nothing can shock me
anymore.
365
00:15:55,848 --> 00:15:58,469
I'm confident now.
366
00:15:58,572 --> 00:16:02,227
- Well, we fucked.
- Yes! Yes, we did.
367
00:16:02,331 --> 00:16:03,848
It was a pleasure
sleeping with you.
368
00:16:03,952 --> 00:16:05,434
- You as well.
- Mm.
369
00:16:05,538 --> 00:16:07,676
Nice,
firm handshake, there.
370
00:16:07,779 --> 00:16:08,641
- Yeah.
- Never noticed
371
00:16:08,745 --> 00:16:10,089
quite how firm
your handshake was.
372
00:16:10,193 --> 00:16:12,607
- It's firm.
373
00:16:12,710 --> 00:16:14,331
Shall we, uh...
- Yeah, let's go do some--
374
00:16:14,434 --> 00:16:15,538
- Get those emails?
- Yep, got to check up
375
00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:16,779
on my email, so...
376
00:16:16,883 --> 00:16:17,883
- So you were
used as a sex toy
377
00:16:17,986 --> 00:16:18,883
by a couple of cult leaders.
378
00:16:18,986 --> 00:16:20,469
Some people would pay
for that.
379
00:16:20,572 --> 00:16:23,158
- I'm a human dildo.
- Sure, but,
380
00:16:23,262 --> 00:16:24,917
someday you'll connect
with someone.
381
00:16:25,021 --> 00:16:26,952
Or maybe you won't.
Some people never do.
382
00:16:27,055 --> 00:16:28,400
I just don't wanna see
383
00:16:28,503 --> 00:16:30,089
Jeff and Gretchen
at the closing ceremony.
384
00:16:30,193 --> 00:16:31,814
It's gonna be so awkward.
385
00:16:31,917 --> 00:16:33,710
- I'm actually really looking
forward to the closing ceremony.
386
00:16:33,814 --> 00:16:34,883
Natasha's gonna be there.
387
00:16:34,986 --> 00:16:36,434
I have this weird, warm feeling
388
00:16:36,538 --> 00:16:37,365
where I actually
wanna see her again.
389
00:16:37,469 --> 00:16:40,572
- Isn't that Natasha
over there?
390
00:16:40,676 --> 00:16:42,676
- Oh, my God.
- Sorry.
391
00:16:45,952 --> 00:16:47,124
- He's got a great butt.
392
00:16:47,227 --> 00:16:48,814
- Your eyes are
beautiful with this--
393
00:16:48,917 --> 00:16:50,193
- Hey, what is this?
394
00:16:50,296 --> 00:16:51,710
- Hey, Jake Levinson.
395
00:16:51,814 --> 00:16:53,814
Excuse me, I'll be right back
396
00:16:53,917 --> 00:16:55,779
to sort out
all these crazy cards.
397
00:16:55,883 --> 00:16:58,089
Jake, why are you acting
like some jealous boyfriend
398
00:16:58,193 --> 00:16:59,193
all of a sudden?
399
00:16:59,296 --> 00:17:00,503
- Well, because...
400
00:17:00,607 --> 00:17:03,124
Didn't yesterday mean
anything to you?
401
00:17:03,227 --> 00:17:06,193
- Oh. Hey, Jake, I'm sorry.
402
00:17:06,296 --> 00:17:08,917
It was just networking.
403
00:17:09,021 --> 00:17:12,227
- Yeah... Yeah, me too.
404
00:17:12,331 --> 00:17:13,848
Don't worry about it.
405
00:17:13,952 --> 00:17:16,572
Yeah, I'm just gonna
go give my cat a quick call.
406
00:17:18,193 --> 00:17:19,262
- Ah, damn it.
407
00:17:19,365 --> 00:17:23,021
Oh, you're the waitress
from last night.
408
00:17:23,124 --> 00:17:24,848
- I'm not a waitress anymore.
409
00:17:24,952 --> 00:17:26,193
After you yelled at me,
410
00:17:26,296 --> 00:17:29,021
the resort demoted me
to janitorial.
411
00:17:29,124 --> 00:17:32,193
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
I-I never yell like that.
412
00:17:32,296 --> 00:17:33,400
Here, let me help you.
413
00:17:33,503 --> 00:17:37,193
- No! Just, please...
414
00:17:37,296 --> 00:17:38,503
Leave me alone.
415
00:17:38,607 --> 00:17:40,538
Some executive
puked on the pool deck,
416
00:17:40,641 --> 00:17:44,469
and I gotta go mop it up
before it dries.
417
00:17:44,572 --> 00:17:46,434
- My wife and I fuck
animals and men.
418
00:17:46,538 --> 00:17:47,848
- Yeah...
- Hey, I need to
419
00:17:47,952 --> 00:17:49,434
talk to you two.
- Ooh!
420
00:17:49,538 --> 00:17:50,400
- Oh, hey!
- Matt, how are you?
421
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:52,262
- Hey, buddy boy.
- Touching you.
422
00:17:52,365 --> 00:17:53,365
- Look at these little nips--
- Stop!
423
00:17:53,469 --> 00:17:54,572
- Whoa!
- Stop touching me.
424
00:17:54,676 --> 00:17:55,848
- Okay, okay.
- You know that waitress
425
00:17:55,952 --> 00:17:57,607
got demoted because of us?
426
00:17:57,710 --> 00:17:58,607
- What, do you feel guilty?
Don't feel guilty.
427
00:17:58,710 --> 00:18:00,676
- No, no, no. Guilt?
428
00:18:00,779 --> 00:18:02,745
Guilt is just insecurity
leaving the body.
429
00:18:02,848 --> 00:18:04,745
- Besides, we're the ones who
planted the hair in your food,
430
00:18:04,848 --> 00:18:06,676
so you shouldn't
feel guilty about anything.
431
00:18:06,779 --> 00:18:07,986
- What?
432
00:18:09,262 --> 00:18:11,193
- Oh! We gotta go,
that's our cue.
433
00:18:11,296 --> 00:18:14,710
This was great.
- Yeah, it was.
434
00:18:18,779 --> 00:18:19,538
- All right,
team Hampton DeVille,
435
00:18:19,641 --> 00:18:21,124
give it up for yourselves!
436
00:18:21,227 --> 00:18:23,227
Yeah! We learned a lot
this weekend.
437
00:18:23,331 --> 00:18:24,193
Learned a lot about teamwork,
438
00:18:24,296 --> 00:18:26,296
learned a lot
about management,
439
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,365
and we learned a lot
about each other.
440
00:18:28,469 --> 00:18:30,124
Ted? Your secret's safe
with us.
441
00:18:30,227 --> 00:18:31,193
- Whoopsie!
442
00:18:31,296 --> 00:18:35,055
Now, step forward
if you are ready
443
00:18:35,158 --> 00:18:38,986
to be baptized
and reborn an AHOLE!
444
00:18:39,089 --> 00:18:41,779
- Yeah! Come up here, AHOLE.
- Look at this AHOLE.
445
00:18:41,883 --> 00:18:44,089
- Come on up here,
you fucking nerd.
446
00:18:51,124 --> 00:18:52,917
All right, hold your breath.
447
00:18:53,021 --> 00:18:54,917
all: AHOLE, AHOLE.
448
00:18:55,021 --> 00:18:57,883
- All right!
- Yeah.
449
00:18:57,986 --> 00:19:00,676
- Whoo! I love this company!
450
00:19:00,779 --> 00:19:04,331
- All right, who's next?
Get up here, lady!
451
00:19:04,434 --> 00:19:05,400
Here we go!
452
00:19:05,503 --> 00:19:08,710
all: AHOLE, AHOLE!
453
00:19:12,227 --> 00:19:16,158
- Oh, yeah, come on, big boy.
454
00:19:16,262 --> 00:19:18,262
all: AHOLE, AHOLE!
455
00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:21,779
- Yeah!
Look at this wet hamster.
456
00:19:21,883 --> 00:19:24,538
Come on up here.
457
00:19:24,641 --> 00:19:26,572
- Fucking whatever,
just do it.
458
00:19:26,676 --> 00:19:28,262
- We will!
459
00:19:32,089 --> 00:19:34,745
All right, see ya later,
sad guy.
460
00:19:34,848 --> 00:19:37,331
What a miserable AHOLE.
Oh, Matt's coming up here.
461
00:19:37,434 --> 00:19:42,331
All right, Matt.
Come on, let us baptize you.
462
00:19:42,434 --> 00:19:44,848
- You know what?
I'm not gonna do this.
463
00:19:44,952 --> 00:19:46,365
- Yay! My turn!
464
00:19:46,469 --> 00:19:49,158
- Shut up, Ted!
Don't you guys see?
465
00:19:49,262 --> 00:19:52,193
Jeff and Gretchen
are full of shit.
466
00:19:52,296 --> 00:19:54,676
This whole AHOLE program
is full of shit.
467
00:19:54,779 --> 00:19:58,572
Also, this isn't a baptism.
This is waterboarding.
468
00:19:58,676 --> 00:20:00,400
- Uh, great share, Matt.
That was really--
469
00:20:00,503 --> 00:20:03,055
- It's not a fucking share.
470
00:20:03,158 --> 00:20:07,814
- Okay.
Everyone, look at Matt.
471
00:20:07,917 --> 00:20:12,572
On the first day, he was
half giraffe, half dog shit.
472
00:20:12,676 --> 00:20:17,089
And now look at him.
He is a total AHOLE.
473
00:20:17,193 --> 00:20:18,193
- Congratulations, Matt.
474
00:20:18,296 --> 00:20:20,469
- Fuck this.
I'm going to the pool.
475
00:20:20,572 --> 00:20:23,124
- You're welcome, Matt.
- Come on, Teddy, let's do it!
476
00:20:23,227 --> 00:20:25,089
All right, Ted's weird.
He likes it.
477
00:20:25,193 --> 00:20:26,469
He wants it too much.
478
00:20:40,158 --> 00:20:41,469
- Oh, come on.
479
00:20:41,572 --> 00:20:44,434
- God, really? I'm not
falling for this again.
480
00:20:44,538 --> 00:20:48,055
- Did you
arrange for another...
481
00:20:48,158 --> 00:20:50,848
- No, did you?
482
00:20:50,952 --> 00:20:53,538
- No.
- No?
483
00:20:53,641 --> 00:20:57,262
- Everyone stay calm!
484
00:20:58,641 --> 00:20:59,469
- ♪ Clear blue skies
485
00:20:59,572 --> 00:21:01,986
♪ The sun is shining
486
00:21:02,089 --> 00:21:03,193
♪ Birds fly high...
487
00:21:03,296 --> 00:21:05,089
- Jesus, what do they do to you
on that retreat?
488
00:21:05,193 --> 00:21:07,986
- ♪ Never gonna die
489
00:21:10,883 --> 00:21:12,434
- Oh! Mmm...
490
00:21:12,538 --> 00:21:14,089
I'm sorry.
What--what was that?
491
00:21:14,193 --> 00:21:15,262
- Oh.
- Oh.
492
00:21:15,365 --> 00:21:17,262
That--that's what
I was gonna say too.
493
00:21:17,365 --> 00:21:19,607
Oh. Ohh...
494
00:21:19,710 --> 00:21:21,503
- That's great. Yeah.
- Okay.
495
00:21:21,607 --> 00:21:22,572
Any critici--
- No.
496
00:21:22,676 --> 00:21:23,779
- Okay.
- None right now.
497
00:21:23,883 --> 00:21:24,710
- Okay, great.
36820
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