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1
00:00:01,135 --> 00:00:02,235
All right, we're going from
2
00:00:02,270 --> 00:00:03,400
the condemned building
where we work
3
00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:06,637
to the condemned building
where we live.
4
00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:07,714
-Do you have a moment for--
-I'm sorry,
5
00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:09,581
I don't speak English.
6
00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:11,510
Max, there's
a do-gooder outside
7
00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:13,275
raising money for charity.
8
00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:16,124
Probably something like
OCD pandas
9
00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:19,390
or owls that say "whom."
10
00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:21,520
Another one?
I miss the days
11
00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:23,815
when you could just walk outside
and your biggest fear
12
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:26,657
was getting stabbed
in the neck.
13
00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:28,534
Okay, no one panic.
14
00:00:28,562 --> 00:00:31,572
Remember, they can't come inside
unless they're invited.
15
00:00:31,599 --> 00:00:34,169
Oh, wait.
That's vampires and me.
16
00:00:34,202 --> 00:00:36,342
I can't wait around, y'all.
17
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:39,140
I'm going on a bar crawl
with Lionel Richie
18
00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:42,143
and Lionel,
he's all about punctuality.
19
00:00:42,176 --> 00:00:45,176
Otherwise, hello?
It's me he'll be looking for.
20
00:00:45,213 --> 00:00:47,083
-Earl, no!
-Excuse me, sir,
21
00:00:47,115 --> 00:00:49,545
do you have a minute for--
22
00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:51,823
Rest in peace, Earl.
23
00:00:51,852 --> 00:00:54,162
Taken seconds before his time.
24
00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:56,558
Come on, let's go out
through the kitchen.
25
00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:58,090
There's another one out back!
26
00:00:58,126 --> 00:00:59,686
I threw a garbage can
in front of her,
27
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:02,197
but it only made her
more cheerful!
28
00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:06,495
Earl, what happened out there?
Is she gone?
29
00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:09,774
Don't worry.
Everything's okay.
30
00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:14,243
Unless you are
the North American honey bee.
31
00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:16,175
Oh, no, they got to Earl!
32
00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:18,510
Look here:
for only $19 a month--
33
00:01:18,546 --> 00:01:19,746
Everybody run.
34
00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:22,320
Or just walk
at a moderately fast pace.
35
00:01:22,350 --> 00:01:25,650
No, you see, the American honey
bee needs a little sympathy--
36
00:01:26,654 --> 00:01:29,364
Have a nice day.
37
00:01:29,390 --> 00:01:31,460
(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
38
00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:33,192
(cash register bell dings)
39
00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:38,397
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
40
00:01:41,902 --> 00:01:43,502
Mmm, cookies and whiskey.
41
00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:45,707
My favorite after-school snack.
42
00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:47,739
Loving that we turned
your childhood trauma
43
00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:49,575
into a thriving business.
44
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:52,350
Now if we could just cash in
on your years in juvie.
45
00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:54,350
It'll come to me.
46
00:01:54,382 --> 00:01:55,452
(tablet ringing)
47
00:01:55,483 --> 00:01:56,753
Ooh, gotta get that.
48
00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:57,794
It's either Randy
49
00:01:57,818 --> 00:01:59,648
or Han clicked "Find my iPad."
50
00:01:59,687 --> 00:02:01,387
(laughs)
(tablet beeps)
51
00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:02,922
Hey, Max.
Wanted to call you
52
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:04,556
before you opened
the dessert bar.
53
00:02:04,592 --> 00:02:06,692
You know, while you're still
a little sober.
54
00:02:06,727 --> 00:02:10,227
Hey, Randy! How was the gym?
It was back and bi's, right?
55
00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:13,404
Well, you should know,
you set up my iCal.
56
00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:14,904
Hey, Max, did you get
my text about tonight?
57
00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:17,505
(gasps) No, we didn't get it,
did we?
58
00:02:17,538 --> 00:02:19,538
Um, I think he just
sent it to my phone
59
00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:21,683
since I'm the only one of us
dating him.
60
00:02:21,709 --> 00:02:23,339
Let me look.
61
00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:26,777
Abs, abs, pecs, penis--
oh, here it is.
62
00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:29,554
Yeah, I'd be down for
a face-to-FaceTime movie night.
63
00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:33,593
Ooh, anyone in the mood for
something Brendan Fraser-y?
64
00:02:33,621 --> 00:02:36,291
Not even
Brendan Fraser's parents.
65
00:02:36,324 --> 00:02:37,664
Well, I'm not watching anything
unless someone
66
00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:39,561
gets kicked in the nuts
in the trailer.
67
00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:41,663
It can be a woman, I'm open.
68
00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:42,655
Well, I'm not.
69
00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:43,656
You know what?
70
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:44,967
I have an idea.
71
00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:46,668
How about I set you up
with someone?
72
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:48,370
I think I have
the perfect guy for you.
73
00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:51,912
A gay guy who doesn't mind
loud chewing?
74
00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:55,739
Um, I'm sorry my teeth
aren't as soft as yours.
75
00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:57,546
Tyler's an
up-and-coming associate
76
00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:59,278
at our New York office.
77
00:02:59,313 --> 00:03:01,283
And I'm pretty sure
he's my Secret Santa.
78
00:03:01,315 --> 00:03:02,775
Don't pity set me up.
79
00:03:02,816 --> 00:03:04,816
I like to think
I'm above that.
80
00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:06,652
But I'm not!
I'm in.
81
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,555
Hey, girls.
82
00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:13,190
Raise your hand if
you're super depressed today.
83
00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:19,231
Don't engage.
84
00:03:19,267 --> 00:03:20,267
Just ignore him
85
00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:21,771
like he ignores the word "no."
86
00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:24,272
Did someone just say, "Yes"?
87
00:03:24,305 --> 00:03:25,765
Randy, I have to
call you back.
88
00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:27,836
There's a sexual predator
that needs my attention.
89
00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:29,505
Hey, Oleg.
90
00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:32,853
What's up, R-Dog?
Can I talk to you man-to-man
91
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,380
about a pretty serious--
92
00:03:34,415 --> 00:03:35,575
Bye, guys!
93
00:03:35,616 --> 00:03:37,716
(tablet beeps)
94
00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:39,321
(sighs)
95
00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:40,523
together: What?
96
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:41,864
Sophie wants me to get rid of
97
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:43,919
my beloved Toyota Yaris.
98
00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:45,857
That car is a part of me.
99
00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:48,533
It is the yin to my wang.
100
00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:51,702
What if we just cement the door
to the diner closed?
101
00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:55,266
Oleg, Han is looking
for you, man.
102
00:03:55,303 --> 00:03:56,903
And he's really mad because...
103
00:03:56,937 --> 00:03:59,337
well, that's when
I stopped listening.
104
00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:00,773
Sorry, Earl, what'd you say?
105
00:04:00,808 --> 00:04:02,708
I stopped listening
after you said "Han."
106
00:04:04,512 --> 00:04:06,482
We would need
a very strong cement.
107
00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:08,524
Like, brick with
cement over it.
108
00:04:10,318 --> 00:04:14,018
Oleg, did you really think
you could pass this off as you?
109
00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:17,024
You don't wear glasses.
110
00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:19,587
I thought there was something
different about you.
111
00:04:21,529 --> 00:04:24,929
I've never seen people
work so hard at not working.
112
00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:26,365
(car horn honks)
113
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,270
Hey, everybody!
114
00:04:29,803 --> 00:04:31,073
Take a look at my sweet ride.
115
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:33,044
It's a minivan.
116
00:04:33,073 --> 00:04:34,913
I've been test driving
this bad boy
117
00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:38,582
with this other bad boy
all day.
118
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,512
For six hours.
We went through
119
00:04:40,548 --> 00:04:43,318
every Wendy's drive-thru
in Queens.
120
00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:44,921
I wrote "Help me" on a napkin.
121
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:47,722
But nobody did.
122
00:04:47,755 --> 00:04:50,655
I wanted to see if all seven
of the cup holders worked.
123
00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:54,701
And now we can
drink Diet Coke as a family.
124
00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:59,328
You want me to give up
my sexy Yaris for a minivan?
125
00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:02,737
Why don't I just drive around
in a uterus with wheels?
126
00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:05,640
I'm not asking you
to buy a Prius.
127
00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:09,883
Oleg, all we have to do now
is sell the Yaris.
128
00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:13,580
Are you allowed
to sell evidence?
129
00:05:13,614 --> 00:05:16,554
Okay, Jose, you can show me
how it corners
130
00:05:16,584 --> 00:05:17,954
on the way back to Coney Island.
131
00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:19,885
Then can I please go home?
132
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,660
(laughs)
This guy's hilarious.
133
00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:24,890
He's been saying that all day.
134
00:05:32,132 --> 00:05:34,672
Tyler, hi.
I'm so sorry we're late.
135
00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:37,102
Someone jumped
in front of our subway car.
136
00:05:37,137 --> 00:05:39,607
I keep telling you
to stop doing that.
137
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:42,840
There was a coupon
for a free falafel on the track.
138
00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:44,676
You must be Max.
139
00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:46,952
Guilty as charged.
140
00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:48,980
But never convicted.
141
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,576
And you must be Caroline.
142
00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:52,818
Wow, you are even prettier
143
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,663
than your Facebook pictures
I definitely wasn't
144
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:56,118
trolling through.
145
00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:58,086
I do what I can
with a shadeless lamp
146
00:05:58,125 --> 00:05:59,585
and an iPhone 2.
147
00:05:59,627 --> 00:06:00,987
(laughs)
148
00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:02,498
You're waiting for one more?
149
00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:05,030
Uh, nope.
My boyfriend's in my purse.
150
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,140
Well, my boyfriend's
a poster of Tom Hardy,
151
00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:11,869
but this is sadder.
152
00:06:11,905 --> 00:06:13,005
Hey, Randy.
153
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,440
You look nice tonight.
154
00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:17,775
It's the "hefe" filter.
155
00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:22,021
Are these prices?
'Cause they're all two numbers.
156
00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:23,919
Don't worry, it's on me.
157
00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:25,151
Can we have a kids menu?
158
00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:27,015
My girl may want
noodles and butter.
159
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:29,624
Oh, does this guy
know me or what?
160
00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:33,157
I think you'll really enjoy
the lobster quesadilla.
161
00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:35,663
Oh, I love tapas.
162
00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:38,126
Well, have you ever been
to Barcelona?
163
00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:40,195
On the way to Ibiza!
164
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:43,473
(both laugh)
165
00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:44,814
Yeesh.
166
00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:48,078
Remind me to never
go to France.
167
00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:50,478
Hey, you mind if I put
a puppy face on you
168
00:06:50,511 --> 00:06:51,911
while we do this?
169
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:55,775
You haven't yet?
I assumed I had a snout.
170
00:06:55,816 --> 00:06:57,446
All right, let me see
what I'm gonna have for dinner.
171
00:06:57,485 --> 00:07:01,015
Either Cookie Crisp
or Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
172
00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:04,794
You have both?
I love dating a rich guy.
173
00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:06,885
Hey, Caroline.
You know Tyler spends
174
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:09,457
his weekends
at the soup kitchen?
175
00:07:09,497 --> 00:07:10,997
That is so sweet.
176
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:13,071
So do we.
177
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:16,600
Best hot dog beans
in the city.
178
00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:18,937
We're holding hands.
179
00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:20,672
Ooh.
180
00:07:20,708 --> 00:07:22,178
(Caroline chuckles)
181
00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:24,649
Yeah, I'll just have
a roll instead.
182
00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:25,848
(tablet beeps)
183
00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:29,249
Uh-oh.
My boyfriend is dying!
184
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:31,722
Hi, um, he's at 3%.
185
00:07:31,752 --> 00:07:34,662
Can I, uh,
plug my date in anywhere?
186
00:07:34,688 --> 00:07:36,788
There's an outlet
on the wall right there.
187
00:07:36,824 --> 00:07:39,764
Huh.
Heck yeah.
188
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:42,133
Scusi.
189
00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:44,672
Ehh.
190
00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:46,068
Hello.
191
00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:49,899
Mind if I put my wine here
while I charge my man?
192
00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:57,114
You guys are so much cooler
than the last couple
193
00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:59,114
we were on a double date with.
194
00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:01,816
Speaking of which,
looks like our third wheel
195
00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:04,849
found a guy to make out with.
196
00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:08,985
Wow, people can be
so inappropriate.
197
00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:11,932
(spits)
Ugh!
198
00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:14,799
You guys didn't tell me
there was fennel in these!
199
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,558
I say we just call it a night.
200
00:08:16,597 --> 00:08:19,597
Yeah. Ugh.
This was a swing and a miss.
201
00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:31,208
Um, you know you're smiling.
202
00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:33,084
This is about the time of day
you start weeping
203
00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:35,083
and saying "Why me?"
at the ceiling.
204
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:36,945
I am smiling, Max.
205
00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:40,754
Kissing Tyler last night
awoke something in my loins.
206
00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:43,788
Loins?
That was out of loin.
207
00:08:43,824 --> 00:08:45,894
And now I need to be aloin.
208
00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:48,026
So do I.
Tonight, I'm making Tyler
209
00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:50,031
a romantic dinner
in our apartment.
210
00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:53,033
Also, do we have
a second plate?
211
00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:56,736
Yes, I keep it in our limousine,
Your Majesty.
212
00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:58,210
And I'll tell you what I tell
you any time
213
00:08:58,238 --> 00:09:00,938
a guy smiles at you and you
start planning your wedding.
214
00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:03,144
I'll have the chicken
and the fish.
215
00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:04,776
You've made your order clear.
216
00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:07,752
But this isn't about that.
This is about Stella
217
00:09:07,781 --> 00:09:10,781
getting her groove back.
218
00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:13,788
Maybe it should be about
updating your references.
219
00:09:13,821 --> 00:09:15,191
Stella's 90 now.
220
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:18,232
All she wants back
is her mobility.
221
00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:20,788
Max, I haven't had sex in...
222
00:09:20,828 --> 00:09:24,298
You don't have to
whisper, girl.
223
00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:27,331
We all know
it's coming up on two years.
224
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:28,767
That you hear?
225
00:09:28,802 --> 00:09:30,672
I yelled "Help"
into your face
226
00:09:30,704 --> 00:09:32,644
for an hour yesterday.
227
00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:34,943
Say what?
228
00:09:34,975 --> 00:09:36,905
Max, I don't want
a relationship.
229
00:09:36,944 --> 00:09:42,654
I just wanna break me off
a piece of that Kit Kat bar.
230
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:44,723
You know, sexually.
231
00:09:44,752 --> 00:09:46,692
Don't drag Kit Kats into this.
232
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:48,220
Who got Kit Kat?
233
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:52,733
I hope Tyler knows
"I'm making you dinner"
234
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:55,060
is code for "I'm DTML."
235
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:57,355
Down to make love.
236
00:09:57,397 --> 00:09:59,927
And I'm down to
my last conversation with you
237
00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:01,967
for saying "making love."
238
00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:03,702
But I'm happy for you, girl.
239
00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:05,237
I'm also happy for Earl,
'cause he had two years
240
00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:08,412
in the "Will Caroline Ever
Have Sex Again?" pool.
241
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:10,811
-What did you have?
-I wasn't in the pool.
242
00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:12,854
-Aw, thank you.
-I just ran it.
243
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:15,020
And I will say,
seeing you and Tyler
244
00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:17,018
make out in a public place
was kind of a--
245
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:18,390
-Turn on?
-No.
246
00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:19,948
-Erotic awakening?
-No, it had nothing
247
00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:22,087
to do with you.
248
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,962
It made me realize I haven't
actually laid lips on Randy
249
00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:27,132
since we decided to be
in a relationship again.
250
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,730
So tell him to fly here.
251
00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:30,102
Maybe you can stay at a hotel.
252
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:31,730
'Cause I may need your bed.
253
00:10:31,765 --> 00:10:32,895
If I put too much
pressure on mine,
254
00:10:32,933 --> 00:10:34,373
it flips back into the wall.
255
00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:36,741
Yeah.
I do miss him.
256
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,740
And I'm kind of sick
of licking my iPad.
257
00:10:38,772 --> 00:10:40,742
Know what I mean?
258
00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:43,314
No.
That's how long it's been.
259
00:10:45,913 --> 00:10:47,783
Hey, everybody!
260
00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:55,362
Ah.
Baby Barbara loves that.
261
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:58,788
(giggling)
262
00:10:58,826 --> 00:11:01,056
Oh, we got good news.
263
00:11:01,094 --> 00:11:04,164
And it's not just 'cause the guy
selling the VHS pornos outside
264
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:07,027
asked if we were sisters.
265
00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:08,967
I have some good news, too.
266
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:10,902
I'm gonna have sex tonight.
267
00:11:10,938 --> 00:11:13,368
If you know what I mean.
268
00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:15,306
Oh, no.
269
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:17,412
I lost the pool.
270
00:11:18,812 --> 00:11:20,412
Yeah, I said ten years.
271
00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:24,147
And that's only 'cause "never"
was already taken.
272
00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:27,724
Sophie, I haven't been able
to sell the Yaris.
273
00:11:27,755 --> 00:11:29,815
Looks like we're gonna have to
keep it forever.
274
00:11:29,857 --> 00:11:31,417
I tried, for only, like an hour.
275
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:32,958
But I tried.
276
00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:35,863
Oh, Oleg.
Yeah, well, the good news is,
277
00:11:35,896 --> 00:11:37,966
you don't have to worry
about selling it.
278
00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:39,498
Good, I didn't try.
279
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,502
Ah, 'cause I already sold it!
280
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:42,974
What?
281
00:11:43,003 --> 00:11:44,873
Oh, no.
It's like you've just
282
00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:46,935
taken my manhood from me.
283
00:11:46,974 --> 00:11:49,044
Okay, I can't hold this in
any longer.
284
00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:51,106
Who had "never"?
285
00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:53,454
I did.
286
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,450
Hey, Sophie,
at least tell me
287
00:11:55,482 --> 00:12:00,092
you sold it to a stud who will
carry on my sexual legacy.
288
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:02,720
Guess who's the owner
of a 2008 Yaris?
289
00:12:04,357 --> 00:12:09,957
Oh, this is tougher to take than
the success of a close friend.
290
00:12:09,997 --> 00:12:13,827
Luckily we have my sexcapades
to lift everyone's spirits.
291
00:12:13,867 --> 00:12:17,807
I'm gonna go stick my Garfield
to the back window.
292
00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:20,108
Oh, that car was magic.
293
00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:23,240
And now, the only tail
my Yaris will ever see again
294
00:12:23,276 --> 00:12:26,276
belongs to a lasagna-eating cat!
295
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,452
What did Randy say?
Did you tell him
296
00:12:30,483 --> 00:12:32,953
I'm gonna have
a horizontal hoedown?
297
00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:35,086
He was on your email blast.
298
00:12:35,122 --> 00:12:36,862
He's coming tomorrow night.
299
00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:38,990
But don't worry, I'll get out of
the apartment tonight.
300
00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:42,196
I'll find a pick-up
stick ball game or something.
301
00:12:42,229 --> 00:12:46,229
Okay, now who do I give my $5 to
for the pool?
302
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:49,936
You know what?
I think I'm gonna hold onto it
303
00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:51,970
till it actually happens.
304
00:12:56,076 --> 00:12:57,806
Ooh, fancy.
305
00:12:57,845 --> 00:12:59,575
You got all the kinds
of cheeses.
306
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:01,182
White, yellow, orange.
307
00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:03,054
Uh-buh-buh!
Whatever he doesn't eat
308
00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:05,323
is our lunch for the week.
309
00:13:05,352 --> 00:13:07,892
Well, I'll be back
in a few hours.
310
00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:10,021
I'd say break a leg,
but you're so out of practice,
311
00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:11,287
you just might.
312
00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:13,364
Thanks, Max.
I really need this.
313
00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:15,503
I'll try to text you
when it's over.
314
00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:18,028
I'll know when it's over,
right?
315
00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:20,025
Yeah, he'll leave immediately.
316
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:22,497
(knocking at door)
317
00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:26,335
I believe that's
my FedSex delivery.
318
00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:28,910
Godspeed.
319
00:13:28,942 --> 00:13:30,342
And thank you
for your service.
320
00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:35,317
Hey.
321
00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:37,448
Hey.
322
00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:38,594
-Hey.
-Hey.
323
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:41,118
That's enough small talk.
324
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:44,194
Unbelievable!
325
00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:46,634
Randy just canceled!
326
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:49,129
He can't leave L.A.
'cause of "work stuff."
327
00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:52,072
And now my phone died, so I
can't Google ways to kill him.
328
00:13:52,099 --> 00:13:54,299
I'll have to do it
from memory.
329
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,544
Ugh, I need to charge this.
330
00:13:56,569 --> 00:13:58,269
Oh, that is so rude of me.
331
00:13:58,305 --> 00:14:00,205
Do you guys need this outlet?
332
00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:07,305
-Olive?
-I'm allergic.
333
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:09,017
It's gone.
334
00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:10,919
So, what's the main course?
335
00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:14,221
(giggles)
Me: the other white meat.
336
00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:17,094
That sounds great,
but maybe some crackers first.
337
00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:19,564
Your text did say,
"Come hungry."
338
00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:23,432
And thirsty!
339
00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:25,973
Well, I'm always thirsty,
'cause I'm an alcoholic.
340
00:14:25,999 --> 00:14:29,239
(laughs)
That's so funny.
341
00:14:29,269 --> 00:14:32,509
I don't even care
if you're not kidding.
342
00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:34,069
MAX: I'm just mad
you're not coming.
343
00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:35,507
I'm not yelling!
344
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:38,312
I am angrily whispering
because my phone
345
00:14:38,345 --> 00:14:40,205
still isn't charged, and
Caroline's in the other room
346
00:14:40,247 --> 00:14:42,947
trying to remember
how to have sex.
347
00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:44,953
She's kidding.
348
00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:46,945
Nothing's changed, right?
349
00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:49,917
I think there's more choking
now, but it's not my thing.
350
00:14:49,957 --> 00:14:52,987
All right,
my phone's at 23%.
351
00:14:53,026 --> 00:14:55,296
I'm gonna go steal a car
and finish charging it.
352
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:57,658
Okay, see you in the morning,
not before, bye.
353
00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:59,267
(cell phone rings)
354
00:14:59,299 --> 00:15:01,269
It's Randy.
I'm not getting it.
355
00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:04,341
Hm, you and me both, sister.
356
00:15:04,371 --> 00:15:05,671
Okay, that should do it.
357
00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:07,405
Good-bye, Randy.
358
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:11,010
(cell phone rings)
359
00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:12,184
It's Randy.
360
00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:13,552
Don't you dare get it.
361
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,280
Max, please don't
threaten my date.
362
00:15:15,315 --> 00:15:17,275
He's not a kid
with a McFlurry.
363
00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:19,687
I kinda have to get this.
He's sort of my boss.
364
00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:22,559
And he doesn't know it yet,
but he's my Secret Santa.
365
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:24,359
I'm warning you,
she's not having sex with you
366
00:15:24,391 --> 00:15:25,361
if you answer that.
367
00:15:25,392 --> 00:15:26,692
Uh, hello!
368
00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:29,296
Who are you trying
to punish here?
369
00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:30,559
All right.
The phone stopped ringing.
370
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:32,567
Everybody calm down.
371
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:35,639
You did not vacuum your bed
for nothing.
372
00:15:35,668 --> 00:15:37,338
I mean, you can't be
too mad at Randy,
373
00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:39,540
given the situation
between you two.
374
00:15:42,342 --> 00:15:43,642
What situation?
375
00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:45,476
-Oh, no.
-Is there a bathroom here?
376
00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:48,452
This whole place is a bathroom.
Start talking.
377
00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:50,681
You know,
you choosing your business
378
00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:54,217
over seeing where things
could go with you two.
379
00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:55,524
Kinda.
380
00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:57,985
Am I still talking?
381
00:15:58,025 --> 00:15:59,755
Max, please don't hit him
in his sex parts,
382
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:04,402
which, if I remember correctly,
is in his winkle.
383
00:16:04,431 --> 00:16:06,271
Continue, Tyler.
384
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:07,999
I'm just saying,
what do you expect
385
00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:09,565
from a long-distance
relationship?
386
00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:11,572
If he's not moving here
and you're not moving there,
387
00:16:11,604 --> 00:16:13,514
what's the point?
388
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:16,410
The point is that
anything can happen.
389
00:16:16,443 --> 00:16:19,053
And maybe Randy will move here.
And even if he doesn't,
390
00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:20,649
we're gonna have jetpacks
in, like, a year.
391
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,020
Everybody knows that.
392
00:16:22,049 --> 00:16:23,549
(cell phone rings)
393
00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:25,593
It's Randy.
I'm not getting it.
394
00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:27,148
Or anything else tonight.
395
00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:28,787
-Gimme that phone.
-Max, no!
396
00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:31,261
I wanna remember what it's like
to be touched on the boob.
397
00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:33,291
And not by a guy
at LensCrafters
398
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:36,326
who didn't even work there.
399
00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:37,803
Hello, Randy.
400
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,230
It's the person that, uh,
chose her business
401
00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:42,737
over seeing where things--
what was that, Tyler?
402
00:16:42,769 --> 00:16:46,139
This is exactly how
my parents got divorced.
403
00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:48,183
He wants to talk to you.
404
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:54,148
-Hey, buddy.
-Hey, Randy, can't hear you.
405
00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:55,521
I'm going through a tunnel.
406
00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:58,648
I wish.
407
00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:01,215
Are you ever gonna
move to New York?
408
00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:02,524
Are you ever gonna move to L.A.?
409
00:17:02,555 --> 00:17:04,415
I asked you first.
410
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:06,257
Max, do you really wanna
do this now?
411
00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:08,163
Yeah, now's not great for me.
412
00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:10,495
Yeah, I do.
If I'm not moving there,
413
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:13,270
and you're not moving here,
what's the point?
414
00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:15,840
So, I guess this is it.
415
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:17,638
I want a boyfriend
I'm not afraid of
416
00:17:17,670 --> 00:17:19,440
dropping in the toilet.
417
00:17:19,472 --> 00:17:22,242
-Oh.
-Yeah.
418
00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:23,805
So this is good-bye.
419
00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:25,813
I guess so.
Good-bye.
420
00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:27,305
(phone beeps)
421
00:17:28,748 --> 00:17:31,518
Why?
422
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,691
Why me?
423
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,660
-Should I go?
-No, I will.
424
00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:38,529
Max, you and Randy
just broke up.
425
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,258
You can't go.
426
00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:43,403
Unless you really,
really want to.
427
00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:45,170
I need to be alone.
428
00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:47,768
Maybe I'll go to a taping of
Carson Daly.
429
00:17:52,339 --> 00:17:54,339
Maybe we should have done this
at my place.
430
00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:56,414
I live with my ex,
but she's a lesbian.
431
00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:57,713
Not because of anything I did.
432
00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,454
I'm still talking!
433
00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:02,079
Let's let our bodies
do it for us.
434
00:18:03,783 --> 00:18:06,853
(baby giggling)
435
00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:10,656
See, she loves it.
436
00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:12,430
Ah, can you believe
that Oleg still won't
437
00:18:12,459 --> 00:18:13,759
buy the minivan?
438
00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:15,563
Sophie, I'm telling you.
439
00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:18,665
A van with windows?
What's the point?
440
00:18:20,367 --> 00:18:23,197
Never had such a hard time
closing the deal.
441
00:18:23,236 --> 00:18:25,366
Yeah, me neither.
442
00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:29,535
Wow, you put out
your lunch cheese.
443
00:18:30,677 --> 00:18:32,607
I like this guy for you,
Caroline.
444
00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:35,245
You should have sex with him.
445
00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:36,652
Don't love his outfit,
446
00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:38,393
but he's only gonna be
wearing the belt, right?
447
00:18:38,418 --> 00:18:41,548
Did you tell him
how long it's been?
448
00:18:41,588 --> 00:18:43,788
I got five bucks
riding on this.
449
00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:49,496
Max, you're really upset
about Randy.
450
00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:54,169
Usually you high-five me when we
pass a "Rear Entry Only" sign.
451
00:18:54,201 --> 00:18:57,241
After last night, I'm too upset
for sophisticated humor.
452
00:18:57,270 --> 00:18:59,210
I feel like it's my fault.
453
00:18:59,239 --> 00:19:01,609
If you hadn't set me up,
none of this would've happened.
454
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:04,581
It's not your fault,
it's your date--
455
00:19:04,611 --> 00:19:07,451
I wanna say his name
is Triscuit.
456
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:08,750
It was Tyler.
457
00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:09,781
Well, I'm sorry you didn't
458
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:11,246
get in the bone zone with him.
459
00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:13,624
It's okay.
He was a talker.
460
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:16,193
And if I'm saying that...
461
00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:17,763
And I'm surprised
you're taking this so hard.
462
00:19:17,790 --> 00:19:19,790
You and Randy are more
on and off
463
00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:22,456
than a jacket in early fall.
464
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:24,495
I must be feeling
a little better.
465
00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:25,671
"Heavy Load."
466
00:19:25,698 --> 00:19:27,898
(both laugh)
467
00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:29,804
(car horn honks playfully)
468
00:19:32,539 --> 00:19:34,239
Hey, girls.
469
00:19:34,274 --> 00:19:38,384
Guess who just hit a guy
in her brand new minivan?
470
00:19:38,411 --> 00:19:41,911
This thing is so smooth,
we barely even felt it.
471
00:19:41,948 --> 00:19:43,818
Oleg, I thought you said
you'd only get a minivan
472
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,520
over your dead body.
473
00:19:45,552 --> 00:19:47,922
And no offense, but we all
kind of got excited.
474
00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:49,894
Jose failed to mention
that you could fit
475
00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:52,762
a full-size mattress
back there.
476
00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:55,562
(laughs)
Not a great salesman.
477
00:19:55,595 --> 00:19:58,395
Let's park this thing
so I can show you the inside.
478
00:19:58,431 --> 00:20:00,601
(engine turns over)
479
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:07,538
What the hell, man?
480
00:20:09,842 --> 00:20:12,452
We have lit candles in here.
481
00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:14,409
Han's with a girl?
482
00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:17,817
Oh, ho,
that is one magic car.
483
00:20:17,850 --> 00:20:19,850
You know what that means.
484
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:23,416
Even Han got sex
before Caroline.
485
00:20:23,456 --> 00:20:26,656
(both laugh)
486
00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:29,863
Who had 32 years for Han
in the pool?
487
00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:33,596
Uh, I did.
488
00:20:33,633 --> 00:20:35,343
He heard that?
489
00:20:35,368 --> 00:20:38,338
Hey, Han, can Caroline borrow
that Yaris sometime?
490
00:20:38,371 --> 00:20:39,911
Real soon?
491
00:20:41,841 --> 00:20:43,711
(cash register bell dings)
492
00:20:43,761 --> 00:20:48,311
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