All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s04e09 Past and the Furious

Okay, everybody, gather around.

Who knew it was "bring
your girlfriend to work" day?

She is not my girlfriend.

Judy is a CPR doll

and the hardest-working girl
in this diner.

Oh, Han, you shouldn't bring
your sex doll out in public.

This is not my girlfriend or a sex doll!

Earl, come over. We're going to use Judy
to learn how to resuscitate.

I have a "do not resuscitate" clause,

as in, I do not resuscitate others.

-Oleg!
-What's up, Han?

Hey, Judy.

How do you know Judy?

With a torso like that, she gets around.

Okay, I will demonstrate.

Oh, no! Judy's choking on something.

Well, we know it's not you.

First, you have to tilt the head back

and clear the airway, and blow.

Oh, Max, I think
we're witnessing his first kiss.

Fourth, thank you very much.

Han, why are you wasting
your time kissing her?

She doesn't have any arms. Just go for it.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

What's up, everybody? Big day today.

Not as big as Christmas,

but still marks the arrival
of someone very blessed: Me.

Yeah, we get it.

You talk about your birthday
more than Kanye West

talks about Kanye West.

Caroline, I thought you would be crying.

Tears on your birthday
have become as expected

as an ex-Disney star going to rehab.

Why would I be sad?

I have my health,
a business that's budding--

Boobs that aren't.

I don't believe in birthdays.
You're only as old as you feel.

Which makes me nothing years old.

Speaking of nothing...

Caroline, are we still on
for Two Boots pizza tonight?

I'm closing the diner early
in honor of your birthday

and not just because the city has demanded

to look into the black mold situation.

Absolutely, Han.

You can have one slice with two toppings

or two slices with one topping.

And my birthday cake is a free flan

because I flirted with the dishwasher.

Caroline, sweetheart, if I was you,

I would just put my head
through a plate glass window.

Okay, everybody.

I have two announcements, both good news.

First, the guy who found
the beak in his sandwich

is not suing,

and second, I'm gonna pop
the question to Sophie.

Well, you've already
popped everything else.

What do you think?

They say diamonds
are a girl's best friend.

Really? I thought a girl's best friend

was someone just a little fatter than her.

It was my grandma's from Russia.

I had my cousin Svela swallow it
to bring it to America.

She passed customs, then she passed this.

Five, six rinses later, boom. Duty free.

Well, I guess that's better
than getting it at Kay.

Is Sophie expecting it?

Of course.

She doesn't like surprises
since her family barn was torched

by a mentally unstable farmhand.

Hi, I have a delivery
for Caroline Channing

from Martin Channing.

It's a birthday gift from my daddy
all the way from prison.

Last year, he made me
a macaroni art picture frame.

I mean, the man once rented Miami
for a friend's bachelor party.

Hey, that picture frame fed us
for two days.

Yeah, well, this thing is not pasta
and it's too big to fit through the door.

And so was I three months ago.

No, really.

My seat on an airplane
used to be Row Three.

There it is in the street.

A condom full of hamburger meat?

Oh, my God. Is that a Lamborghini?

Wait. Is that my Lamborghini?

Yeah, it's a Lamborghini
Aventador Roadster.

Wow! Prison arts and crafts
has gotten pretty fancy.

Well, it takes four years
for these cars to be custom-made.

This one was ordered in 2011.

That's right,
my father ordered this for me

when he still had money.

Correction: When he had
everyone else's money.

All my father ever gave me
was that one iffy chromosome.

Well, here you go. It's all yours.

I'm gonna walk home.
It's all about healthy choices.

(SQUEALING)

-I got a car!
-We got a car!

Damn, someone painted the Batmobile white.

Can't we have anything?

-That's a $450,000 sports car.
-I know.

Add a stackable washer/dryer
and a motor home,

and it's like Caroline won
the Showcase Showdown.

It goes from 0 to 100 in 2.9 seconds.

And speaking of seconds,
I'm getting seconds at Two Boots,

and that rich bitch is paying.

Back off, Tokyo Drift.

This is our getaway car.

And by that, I mean, get away from it.

You know, a car like this
depreciates 50 percent

the minute you drive it off the lot.

That's why I drive my Toyota Yaris.

Ooh-la-la.

(GASPS) Is P Diddy here?

Wait a minute. Is it Ted Turner?

No one cool owns it. It's Caroline's.

Now, this is the kind of car

that I would say yes to anything in.

Anything except tickets
to "Menopause The Musical."

Hey, Caroline. Nice car.

I always liked you more than Max.

You know that, right, girl?

Really? Because yesterday,
I heard you yell to Max,

(IMITATING SOPHIE)
"Is Caroline turning 47 or 48?

Because she acts like she's 65."

Yeah.

Yeah, I wanted to know what
to write in your birthday card.

Well, everyone away from the car.

I just got off the phone with my dad.

The car is being seized in the morning.

Turns out they won't let me
keep my present.

It's just like my 8th birthday
when they made me return Macaulay Culkin.

They bought you a boy?

You were rich.

Oh, boy, the car's right here
and you can't even use it.

That's like me having you two
for waitresses.

Caroline, can I ask you a favor?

You're not using the car
to propose to Sophie.

You heard how much she liked it.

And it's a little bit classier
than my original plan:

Dinner and a cock fight in Yonkers.

Not that I'm listening,

but I'm not gonna
get proposed to at a gay bar.

Great, now my gay bar idea is out also.

No, Oleg. I can't return the car
with scratches, dents or chlamydia.

But we can still drive it, right?

I mean, I've been on that cream
for like a month.

Max, what is the ninth rule
of the Lamborghini Club?

No red drinks in the car.

Well, here's my number one rule:

If you're going to make me sleep in it,

I am going to drink in it.

Well, just be careful.

I only have one Clorox wipe
that has to last until my next birthday

and it's already lost
a lot of its moisture.

I don't see why we have to just sit here.

We can't drive it.

My dad said if anything happens to it,
we'll be responsible.

What could possibly happen
on a weed run to deep Tijuana?

You know, I wish this car never came,
and I wish I never sat in it.

It's the same reason
I don't go to Barneys.

I don't like to be around things
I can't afford anymore.

Same reason I don't go
to the 99 Cent Store.

There's a Nerf tennis set
half on the floor,

half in the bin,
none of it going home with me.

I was trying to be positive
about my birthday this year

but, Max, if things
hadn't happened with my father,

tonight would have been
a magical birthday for me.

Hey, there was some magic.

I personally made
five vodka Sprites disappear.

Ta-da!

I would've got in the car
and driven out to the Hamptons

and we'd sit on the beach all night

having lobster caught
by one of the townies

and drink champagne
while taking duckface selfies

until the sun came up.

FYI, I'm the townie in this scenario
and I hate all of you.

Instead of doing any of that,
I'm having the worst birthday.

I probably feel worse than Demi Moore did
when she turned 50.

Yes, just go to sleep.

You'll feel better tomorrow
when you wake up.

I mean, if that guy with the switchblade

doesn't come back
like he promised he would.

Caroline. Caroline, wake up.

We're at the beach.
I drove us out to the Hamptons.

Happy birthday.

We're in the Hamptons?

We're in the Hamptons?

How are we in the Hamptons?

How long have I been sleeping?

Three hours, give or take.
You farted twice.

How did I not wake up?

I know. It was pretty bad.

After that last one,
I thought we were going through Egg Town.

Max, you did it again.
You roofied me, didn't you?

Of course I did.

You were crying and babbling
about the Hamptons

so I had to put you down.

You promised you wouldn't again.

The last time, I was out for two days.

Yeah, I really just needed
to get through Game of Thrones

without someone talking during the incest!

What is wrong with you?

Have you got a pen and paper?

You knew I didn't wanna do this!

You never wanna do anything
so I did it for you.

You took a $450,000 car,

a car we're not even supposed
to be touching,

on a joyride to the Hamptons?

You wanted to be here.

You are here. Just enjoy it.

I can't enjoy it.

Scotty to the bridge. This is Capt. Kirk.

Scotty to the bridge.

You drove over the dunes
and onto the beach?

Not intentionally.

I tried to stop it but this car
was like, "No, girl."

Oh my God. Did it get any scratches?

Max, get out of the car,
and help me look for scratches!

You said you were more fun
in the Hamptons.

Not true.

Mr. Sulu, fire all phasers.

No scratches. The Lamborghini is fine.

But thanks to you, I'm a Rent-A-Wreck.

Come on, we have to get this car back.

We will. Jeez, relax. We still have time.

Look, you said you wanted to be here.

You're here, and we are not leaving
until you do something beach-y,

like walk in the water
or find a half-eaten lady from Jaws.

No. No way. Let's go.

Just take off your shoes or something.

No!

Just take off your shoes
and feel the sand.

Max! Max, stop!

I haven't had a proper pedicure
since Justin Timberlake released a single.

There. Now move your foot around.

No. No. No.

Ah, yeah. That feels nice.

The cold sand between my toes.
But, Max, don't look.

That middle nail's a horror show.

Too late.

I thought it was a pistachio for a second.

Max, how much do you love the beach?

I don't know. I've never been to one.

You've never been to a beach?

No. What's the point?
I don't own a metal detector.

-Well, time's up.
-But we just sat down.

I know, but if we leave right now,

we'll still have enough time
to blow through a McDonald's drive-through

like something from Back to the Future.

Well, I'm gonna write our names
in the sand

because it was a really nice thing

for you to drug me, kidnap me

and steal my car to get me out here.

Hey, we're friends.

All right,
I'll just turn this baby around.

(ENGINE REVS)

Uh-oh.

What's "uh-oh"?

What is "uh-oh"?

Are we stuck in the sand?

You have correctly identified
the meaning of "uh-oh."

I love that we don't need full sentences
to communicate anymore.

Try it again.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Nope.

I've had less trouble getting
out of athlete's apartments.

Well, you're gonna have
to get out and push.

Why do I have to push?

Because you're the one who drugged me,
kidnapped me and stole my car.

Exactly.

I've already done
the lion's share of the work.

And it's our car.

Fine, I'll do it.

Door's up, Lt. Uhura.

It stopped being funny when we got stuck.

God, don't worry.

I got a 600-pound woman
out of a booth at the diner

with my bare hands. I'm fearless.

Toss her in neutral
like I did with that lady.

Sand and heels. Not a good combo.

Not a good combo. Not a good combo.

All right. All right. I'm gonna floor it.

On the count of three. One, two...

(ENGINE REVVING)

I got excited. I went early.

If I had a dime
for every time I heard that,

I could buy this car.

All right, let's try again.

One, two...

(ENGINE REVVING)

(COUGHS)

Okay, that was on purpose.

A little bit.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe that I can't believe it,

but I really can't believe it.

We are in very big trouble
and we're not even in the good Hamptons.

I was trying to do something nice.

First time, last time.

You know what you are? You are reckless.

You know, all this time,

I thought you were
a ride-or-die kind of bitch.

I am a ride-or-die kind of bitch.

What's a ride-or-die kind of bitch?

Are you Googling
"ride-or-die kind of bitch"?

I would be, but I only have two bars.

Look, we have two options:

Get the car out of the sand
or let the tide take us.

Put a pin in that tide thing
because I like the sound of it.

We barely have enough time to
get this car back to the city

or we owe $450,000.

And I only have $3
and $2 of it is in nickels.

Now get in the car.

You're hoarding nickels

and I'm walking out of the
99 Cent Store empty-handed?

Now I'm mad.

Get ready.

-What are you doing?
-I'm pushing us out of here.

(ENGINE REVVING)

All because I'm a ride-or-die
kind of bitch.

I think.

(SCREAMING)

Now hit it.

(ENGINE REVVING)

What did you do, fart us out of the ditch?

Seriously, Caroline, step on it.

No, Max. We can't risk
getting into an accident.

What if it's not fatal?

Driving a Lamborghini slow
is like going to Red Lobster

and not getting the Cheddar Bay biscuits.

Come on, we got
to enjoy this car while we can.

-Hit the gas.
-All right.

I'll take it up to the top
of my age dating window.

Forty.

And I'll take it to the top of mine. 80!

Let go! Have some fun!

No, don't push on my leg.
Don't push on my--

(SCREAMING)

Yes! Yes! Best birthday ever!

Should we Thelma and Louise it?

You mean drive over a cliff?

No, I mean wear sunglasses and hold hands.

They drive over a cliff?
I never saw the end.

There they are.

Did you girls get the car back
in time this morning?

Yep, just in time, thanks to Caroline.

She was ignoring speed limit signs
like she does homeless people.

A state trooper called
my driving criminally negligent.

I was so proud.

I might've even gotten emotional,

but I had to talk
our way out of the ticket

and I like to be professional
when my shirt's off.

You didn't get a ticket?

Yesterday, I got arrested
for just walking into Whole Foods.

I can't believe
I still have sand in my hair.

If the only place you still have sand
is in your hair, you're lucky.

I'm about to make a pearl down there.

Hey, there, destitute Barbie.

Sorry you lost the dream car.

Anyway, I'll be in my booth.

Sophie, beautiful baby.

I've narrowed down the site
of my proposal to three options.

A, the place we met.

B, the place we've had sex most often.

Or C, the place
we've had sex most recently.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

All three of those places are this booth.

That's right.

Sophie Kachinsky...

He's proposing at the diner?

What's he gonna do?
Put an onion ring on it?

Oh, I love that.

You know, I was planning on saying no

and making you beg for a few hours, but...

I just love you too much.

Aw. That's so not as gross as normal.

(CLEARS THROAT) Now it is.

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(English US - SDH)

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