All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s04e06 Model Apartment

Okay, Max. How would you
describe our apartment?

And I've already ruled out

worse than that girl-pit
in Silence of the Lambs.

Well, at least she had
some silence once in a while.

Look, no one's gonna pay money
to rent this dump.

We haven't in six months.

Everyone else in Williamsburg
is making money

renting their crappy places
on Airbnb.

It's all how you describe it.
So let's start lying.

This is a fantastic idea
and I really wanna do this.

"First question:
Describe your neighborhood."

Run-down with a bunch of rats.

Old-world charm.
Pet-friendly.

"What type of people
live there?"

Junkies, whores, homeless.

Actors.

"Do you have a hot tub?"
Sometimes.

-"Gym?"
-Two.

Gay Jim upstairs
and straight Jim across the hall

who's only gay when he's drunk.

"When is your space available?
Always, sometimes, one time."

Just like our sex lives.

Always for me,
sometimes out of boredom

and one time for you.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

Earl, guess what
Max and I did.

I know what you didn't do.
Clean this dessert carousel.

There's a Napoleon in here
since Napoleon.

We rented our apartment
on Airbnb.

You rented to Arabs?

Well, good luck getting it back.

They tend to be
a tad territorial.

Airbnb is an agency
that rents to out-of-towners

and I'm guessing local men
cheating on their wives.

-Well, I did it.
-I know.

When you were 18
with Prince Harry.

Or so you say.

We have three offers
for our apartment.

How? Let me rephrase that.
How!

I found the perfect sales pitch.

Stay at the place
where dreams die?

Have the authentic
Williamsburg experience.

You mean
getting clumsily felt up

by a guy who looks like
he came from the gold rush?

Anyone can stay at a hotel.

But how often can you say
you went to New York

and stayed at a Brooklyn
bohemian barn apartment

with a live-in horse?

Girl, you are good.

So now we just have to pick
who gets our apartment.

A guy looking
to get away from it all.

That's a suicide.

You're right.
We lie, they lie.

A married couple
looking to reconnect.

Murder-suicide.

And finally,
a girls' getaway weekend

for some fashion model friends.

A couple of chubby girls

looking to murder some pints
of Ben and Jerry's...

with maybe a "sui-side"
of mac and cheese.

Hey, everybody.

Ho-ho.

Yeah, the temperature
be droppin'

and the bitches be nippin'.

-I need a hot chocolate.
-I'm right here, Sophie.

And I'm right here, Earl.

I mean, I get it,
but bro code, man.

Well, big news.
I'm going on a trip.

Mushrooms or acid?

I'm going to Vermont.

You're gonna be gone?

Would you mind letting us
stay upstairs at your place?

We're renting out our apartment.

You're renting out that dump?

Oh, are they filming Survivor
at your place?

So when are
these losers arriving?

They're not losers.

They're just girls paying us

to have a fun weekend
in our apartment.

What losers.

Now, that is a hand
that's scooped some ice cream.

Hi, are you Caroline?

Oh, my God.
They really are models.

-Hi, I'm Lily.
-Shoot! Now I'm gay.

Lily? As in Lily Aldridge?

-And I'm Martha.
-Hunt?

Martha Hunt and Lily Aldridge?
Max, do you know who they are?

Sure do.

This one is the girl
that I leave this one for.

No, Max, they're all
Victoria's Secret models.

Yeah, we all wanted
to hang out in New York

before we leave for London.

We're doing
a fashion show there.

I worked at Victoria's Secret
at the mall for one day.

Got fired for eating
Panda Express over the thongs.

This is Max. I'm Caroline.
I used to be rich.

I just felt like
I needed to say that.

And these are our friends,
Petra, Gabriella and Rina.

Hi.

What are the odds?

You're all named
after Columbus's ships.

Come in. Welcome
to The Williamsburg Experience.

It's bigger
than it looks in the photo.

Well, I shaved of a couple
of inches for the photo.

You know the drill.

So why the hell
are you staying here?

Is this training for when
your looks run out?

Look.
The kitchen is so cute.

Question: How do you walk
the runway blind?

It's just that we stay at the
same Four Seasons all the time.

Well, you will experience
at least two seasons here

because the thermostat's broken.

It's 40 outside and 100 in here.

So as advertised,
this is our sauna.

And our bohemian barn's
right out that door.

Just follow
the temperature drop.

Max, super models are staying
at our apartment.

It's so exciting,
I wanna tell all my friends.

I guess I just did.

I see you met Chestnut.

That's his real mane,
not extensions.

Also per our ad,
a charming skylight.

In case you wanna sit
under the stars

and have a little peace
and quiet.

Hey, girls.
Come up already.

I wanna get
to my college reunion.

Can you believe
it's been ten years?

Wow! Time sure does lie.
I mean, fly.

MARTHA:
You talk to your neighbors?

I talked to my neighbor once
and the next thing you know,

I have this long letter
from Naomi Watts saying,

leave my husband alone.

So we've known each other
like five minutes already.

Where's my free bra?

I mean, all that's left
of this one is the frames.

Trust me, it's like
a burlesque show under here.

Sophie's apartment is amazing.

It looks like an Easter bunny
banged a Golden Girl.

That was some showerhead.

I'd marry it,
but it's already attached...

to the wall.

-Max?
-Here.

This bed is like
being in the womb

without all the second-hand
smoke.

Martha and Lily
were super-sweet.

So exciting to be back hanging
with celebrities.

Yeah, and maybe now you can get
a new celebrity story.

I was getting really tired
of hearing

how someone thought you were
Gwyneth Paltrow from behind.

Still flattering.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

Laughter?
Coming from our apartment?

What do you think
they're laughing at?

Probably found our
account balance on an ATM slip.

I bet Martha said
something funny.

She's hilarious.

You know,
for someone who's so pretty,

she never had to develop
a personality.

I'm gonna go see.

Max, give me a shove.

This is good practice
for the eventual cliff.

(IGGY AZAELIA'S
BLACK WIDOW PLAYING)

-Beers and wings.
-Beers and wings.

MODEL:
Now it's a party.

Max, you know
how when it gets hot down there,

we just sit, sweat
and point the fan at our junk?

They do it a little differently.

They are dancing in their
underwear, drinking beers.

So?

The guy on the corner
does that all the time.

-Cheers.
-Cheers.

I can't take
my eyes off those beers.

Hey. Hi, you guys.

You wanna come down and
have some beers and cool off?

Be right down.

Now, I wish I had those wings,
I could get down there faster.

Okay.
So, what is this big news?

Did the health inspector
find out

that the imitation crab meat
is cat?

Technically, it's imitation cat,

but that's not
what we're announcing.

I'm here.
And make this snappy.

-I'm in the middle of something.
-Puberty?

No. I was on a call
with Ripley's Believe It or Not

to inform them
that you still work here.

And they didn't believe it.

Okay. We have some friends
coming in for a meal

and we don't want you guys
to embarrass us and overreact.

Darling, I don't overreact.

I'm 70-something years old
with a history of heart trouble.

I keep it in check.

Hey, Max, Caroline.

And I keep my heart pills
in my pocket.

Excuse me,
much as I enjoy the view,

I really want that 100th birthday
shout out from Al Roker.

Yes, they're
Victoria's Secret models

and our friends.

Last night we all stayed up late
trashing Kate Moss.

Models in my diner.

Oh, no.
I wore the wrong sweater vest.

You also wore the wrong face,
body and personality.

Max, let's go say hi.
How do I look?

Like a waitress.

Damn it, it's the
waitress uniform, isn't it?

-What's up, homies?
-What's up, homie?

I love my life again.

Well, it's been a whole day
since we met

-so where's that free bra?
-Max.

What?
This one's on its last legs.

Last night I heard it coughing.

Could also use
some new underwear.

Mine are running on fumes.

I just texted David.
He's coming.

This is going to be
an amazing party.

-Party?
-MARTHA: Yeah.

-We're having some friends over.
-Cool.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

And like Max said, cool.

Jeez, pull it back.

You're acting needier than
Sofia Vergara on a red carpet.

Big fan. Big, big fan.

Compliments of the chef.
My specialty, popsicles.

I find they taste best
when sucked slowly,

using plenty of tongue,
facing the kitchen.

I can't believe
we're not invited

to the biggest party
in our apartment

since those ants found
your jelly beans.

Yoo-hoo!

Hi, so we're just up here
hanging out. Doing our thang.

Sorry, girl.
Did we wake you?

Go back to sleep.

"Go back to sleep"?

Why does she think
we're so lame?

I don't know.

Maybe it's because
you're throwing around words

like "yoo-hoo" and "thang,"

like a mom bringing Cheetos
down to a slumber party.

This is your fault.

They were obsessed with us until
you started asking for bras

like some bra-less
homeless person.

We're never gonna sleep
with all that music.

Check the drawer,
Sophie must have ear plugs.

I mean,
she lives upstairs from you.

I found plugs,

but I don't think
they're for your ears.

It's fine. We'll just pop
downstairs and say hello.

Fashion's my scene.

Know what I'm seeing?
That price tag.

Oh, tuck it back in,
I have to return it.

Okay.
Remember our deal.

I got up and got dressed
so you're my slave for life.

Oh, hi, girls.

I thought you were the man
with the Greek food.

I have definitely gotta
start waxing my upper lip more.

Sophie,
why aren't you in Vermont?

Oh, I lied.

I didn't go to Vermont.

I mean,
it's far and I'm not a lesbian.

No, I stayed in town
to spy on Oleg.

I mean, I know you girls think
that I'm perfect,

but I have trust issues.

Well, then,
whose apartment is that?

I'm staying at Jim's.

Straight Jim's or gay Jim's?

Sophie, you forgot your purse.

I think this is mine.
Just kidding, it's yours.

(CHUCKLES)
What's up, Salt-N-Pepa?

-Gay Jim's.
-Gay Jim's.

Girls, please
don't tell Oleg that I'm here.

You know,
I've been following him around

to see what he would do
if I was not in town.

And, so far, you know,
he's been cool.

But you know the old saying.

"Cheat on me once,
shame on you.

Cheat on me twice,
your balls are in a jar."

Oh, my God.

There's a man standing
in our doorway.

I have a doorman again.

Weird to see a man
standing in our doorway

without a warrant,
an eviction notice or a Bible.

Excuse me,
this is our apartment.

Yeah, we live here all the time.
No biggie.

No biggie, and no electricity,
no lease-y.

Hi, I'm Caroline.
This is Max. We live here.

Not according to the list.

Sir, look, we do live her.
I have a key.

The key is to be on the list,
which you are not.

Okay. I can prove we live here.

Go over to the window,
kick the side of radiator,

a panel will open up.

You'll find a half-smoked joint

and another half-smoked joint,
proving--

What?
That you're a poor pot head?

This is crazy. I can't believe
I'm begging to get into a place

I've been trying to get out of.

It's a very exclusive party.

It's a dump. I should know.
I live here.

CAROLINE:
This night couldn't get any worse.

Turn that light off.
I'm watching the Victorias Secret

super model party
with my night vision goggles.

And updating.

Oleg, how did you get in here?

How do you think?
It's my girlfriend's apartment.

I broke in.

Yes, Oleg,
it's your girlfriend's apartment

where you're sitting
in the dark,

watching models out the window
with night vision goggles.

-Hey. My pants are on.
-No, they are not!

Not my fault.

Five Victoria's Secret
super models downstairs?

They took themselves off.

So, what are you saying?
You're the victim here?

What would Sophie say
if she came home

and saw you sitting here?

She'd say,
"Stop hogging the goggles."

Oleg, let me just say this.

Vermont is closer
than you think.

I don't know
where this argument is going,

but I'm going
to that damn supermodel party.

Oleg, it's late,

I'm gonna lay this
on the line for you.

You're no George Clooney.
You're not even George Costanza.

These sheets are amazing

and you are never gonna do
better than Sophie.

She is hot and clearly
has no sense of smell.

I love Sophie.
I'll go home.

On second thought,
I don't trust myself

to walk by your apartment.

Better lock me in here.

LILY: Caroline. Max.
Come down here. Hurry.

I knew it. See, Max?
They're begging us to come.

I'm back again.
Are you coming?

Let me think.
Downstairs with an open bar

or up here, alone, with Oleg
in his tighty-not-that-whities?

-Should we tie you up?
-No, it'll just make me hornier.

I knew they wanted us
to come to the party.

How could they not?

Last night I taught Petra
how to eat bread

without tearing it
into little pieces first.

Don't try it.
I was a navy seal.

You think you're tough?

I lived in a refrigerator box
for a month,

with no top.

Not the box. Me.

LILY:
Max, Caroline, get in here.

Hey.

See we were invited
because we're A list.

The toilet is clogged

and I need you
to take care of it, please.

A list as in "a janitor" list.

I don't know what to do.

Can one of you
call the concierge?

Sure. Caroline.

Wait, wait, wait.
You didn't just call us down here

because the toilet's clogged,
did you?

-No.
-Okay, good.

The kitchen sink
is backed up, too.

But, toilet, I got this.
I was almost born in one.

Excuse me, excuse me,
excuse me.

All right,
everyone just calm down.

No need to overreact.

And there's the pool
we mentioned in our ad.

Oh, boy.
Yup, we got some floaters.

Caroline, I'm gonna need
the plunger and a lobotomy.

This happens
with vintage toilets.

Part of their old-world charm.

We got some charm stuck
on your loofah.

Hey, guys, remember last night

how we just bit into that bread
without chewing it?

Good times.

I need that damn plunger,
I don't wanna die this way!

I got it,
but it's caught on something.

(SCREAMING)

What kind of a dump is this?

Hey. You wanted
the Williamsburg Experience,

this is it.

Good news, Martha.
I have your flat iron

looking pretty much
back to normal.

That's good.
Keep it.

Again, sorry about
your cashmere sweaters in here.

But when we ran out
of paper towels,

you did scream, "Just use
anything, make it stop."

And, of course, we'll pay
to have them all dry cleaned.

That's nice.
Keep them.

Okay, we can leave.

I am off the phone
with my therapist.

And it goes without saying,

we won't charge you guys
for this weekend.

No way. Here.

You are taking this check
and my therapist's phone number.

I do not know how
you are standing up without him.

What?
Come on, this is nothing.

One month,
the floor actually opened up

and swallowed us.

Yeah, we've been through worse.

It's really cool the way
you two support each other.

Yup, we're a pair
of support hose.

And speaking of support...

-here, Max.
-No way!

Look, Caroline,
it's a bra-nanza.

And, Caroline, since you don't
really need to wear a bra...

here.

This apartment may be hell,
but you are a real angel.

Aw. My own wings?
Thank you, guys.

Hey, can I ask you something?

As long as it doesn't have
anything to do with rats.

How come you didn't invite us
to the party?

What?
I thought Martha did.

I thought Lily did.

-Model moment.
-Model moment.

Pick-up, Caroline.

Yup, I always knew
you would die here.

Pick-up, Max.

Looking good, Max.

After you drop that,
have Caroline come back here

and lock me in the walk-in
until Sophie gets home.

CAROLINE:
Max, I just realized

we're kind of the supermodels
of waitressing.

And I just realized

my boobs aren't always supposed
to hit my side.

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(English US - SDH)

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