All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s04e03 Childhood Not Included

Earl, I noticed you're still alive.

What's your secret?

Well, it's my positive attitude,

a little bit of genetics

and knowing
how to take care of your body.

I use jojoba.

What is that, like a lotion?

No, it's a ho named "Hoba."

She comes over once a week.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

Max, you just got box
delivered at home.

I don't want another box.
I got my hands full with this one.

I used to have so many packages
delivered to my house,

my dad had to buy FedEx
just to save money.

I remember a time before mail.

You just didn't get stuff.

Nope. I don't want that.

It's a delivery from my mother.

The last thing she delivered
was me,

and I'm still cleaning up
that mess.

Aren't you at least curious
what she sent?

Unless it's a brand new
childhood, I'm not interested.

Here, Earl, hold Max's box.

But she's like a daughter to me.

Look, Caroline,
I brought in my fish tank,

which Max has been calling
my Olympic-size swimming pool.

See, Han? The world's different
above sea-level.

Now, come over here
and say hello.

I'm saying "hello" to fish now?
That's where I'm at?

You too, Max.
I want my diner family

to meet my fish family.

I got an aunt
that drinks like a fish.

Maybe she's in there.

Oh, no, she's in jail
for vehicular manslaughter.

Please enjoy
my ecosystem of love.

-(TAPPING)
-Never tap on the glass!

Just look at that meaty paw
of yours.

It's like an earthquake to them.

Oh, there's my prize.
The royal blue tang fish.

500 dollars.

Han, I'm not surprised
you have to pay for blue tang

but 500 dollars seems high.

Hey, Han,
Ho Hoba'll do it for 25.

Well, I hope your fish
will be very happy here.

I mean, no one else is
but who knows.

Let's go, Max.

(OLEG SPEAKING IN UKRAINIAN)

Did Oleg take
Liam Neeson's daughter?

I'm breaking up
with all my ladies

so I can start up again
with Sophie.

And Oksana's not taking it
lying down

or bent over
like she usually is.

Well, I'm sorry
I never got to meet her.

Just tell her that you
and Sophie have decided to be--

What's the Ukrainian word
for "Monogamy"?

There isn't one.

You're either ugly

or you're sleeping
with everyone.

No way. Leave it out here.

Let the bomb-squad
figure it out.

Don't you wanna know
what she sent you?

Maybe there's money in there.

(LAUGHS)

So you're just gonna
leave it out in the hall

like a room service tray?

Oh, my God,
I used to have room service.

Oh, my God,
I used to have a room.

Well, I don't want it
in the apartment.

This is a place of positive
energy and good vibes.

(LAUGHING)

I'm sending it back
to her tomorrow.

I will go to my shallow,
unmarked grave

not knowing what's in that box.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, Max, you got a box out here

and there's a bear in it.

Oh, my God.

She kept that?

How did my mom ever keep that?
She can't even keep her teeth.

That's what was in the box?
A Teddy Ruxpin doll?

Are you registered
at mustybears.com?

Not a doll and not his name.

I had it legally changed
to "T-Rux."

I used the same lawyer
my mom hired

to declare me Native American

so she didn't have to pay
for parking at the casino.

For six months, I had to answer
the phone, "Max Proudfoot."

You know, in Poland,
we didn't have dolls.

Yeah, we just hired little gypsy kids

and we carried them around.

Yeah, mine was called "Gurgio."

Yeah, and I think,
he had a little bit of polio.

Hey, didn't those things talk?

They did if you had four C batteries.

Wait, I think I have some.

Yup, they came with this adorable

teddy bear singing cassette,

so of course, I smashed that
with a rock and made my own.

Yeah, my Gurgio didn't talk.

I'm not sure he had a tongue.

But he used to squeeze me
really tight.

And then I found out later,
he was 35.

You had four C batteries
in your nightstand? From what?

Do you wanna hear the bear talk
or don't you?

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

Oh, I'm sorry, girls.
I gotta take this.

It's another guy
that I'm breaking it off with.

I sure hope Oleg's worth it.

I just dumped a guy
with multiple personalities.

Yeah, and he took it okay,
and not great, and pretty bad.

-There's no note or anything.
-(DOOR CLOSES)

This box is really just
a well of disappointment.

Why would your mother
send you this?

Why would she do anything?

Why would she bite our dog?

Why would she make out
with our jack-o'-lantern?

I don't know.

Well, Max, she did send you
your favorite toy

after all these years.

Maybe she's trying
to make amends.

Oh, make amends?

She couldn't even make me
a sandwich.

Okay, you ready?

YOUNG MAX:
I know you are, but what am I?

Oh, my God.
Max, is that you?

Is that your little Max voice?

YOUNG MAX: Careful, I'm about to
open up a can of "Whoop ass".

It is you.
How old were you there?

Ten. "Whoop ass"
was kind of my thing.

Still is.

I mean, I guess I always knew
you were a little kid once

but I couldn't picture it
until I heard that.

Like I couldn't picture me
eating fruit

from an Exxon station
until I did that.

So, are you two ready to order?

Oh, yeah. I'll have
the turkey club with fries.

This is why you're single, Rita.

I'm not single.
I'm married to your father.

I love you, but stop pushing
your lifestyle in my face.

I'll have the salad.
Dressing on the side. Obvs.

Obvs, obvs.

Well, I'm sending T-Rux
back to my mother.

He's going right
into this empty box

I found in Han's office.

And Max,
before you send it back,

I'm gonna need those batteries.

Oh, don't worry,

I have no desire to see you
hugging the milkshake machine.

Oh, my God.

Is that a Teddy Ruxpin doll?
Rita, I want that.

Your birthday just passed,
Elliot.

But my coming out party
is coming up.

What is that,
like a queen-ceanera?

So bitchy. Love her.

A vintage Teddy Ruxpin
is worth like, 500 dollars,

and my mom works,
so she has to buy my love.

One more word
and I'm taking away spa day.

That's harsh, honey.

He's obsessed with the '90s.

But you weren't even born.

I know. I blame her.

She couldn't find a man
until late in life.

-There go the pedicures.
-There go my sandals.

As much as I love watching
Will and Grace...

...this guy's not for sale.

I'm sending him back
to my mother's place,

which, according to the
Rhode Island Parole Office,

is a cardboard shanty town
outside of big lots.

Well, here's my card.

And let's face it, you look like
you could use 500 dollars.

So bitchy. Love him.

I was just offered 500 dollars
for T-Rux

from Baby Anderson Cooper.

He has cards?

I'm jealous of a nine-year-old?
That's where I'm at?

Hey, as much as I would like
that 500 dollars,

my mother doesn't get to think

this bear gets to make up
for my childhood.

She doesn't get off that easy.

Trust me, we shared
a pullout couch for nine months.

Girls, can I see you over here?

I can't believe we have to talk
to the fish again.

I can't believe Max
hasn't put Han in the tank yet.

Max, Caroline,
every night from now on,

I need you to move the skimmer
along the top of the water

and take out
the floating matter.

Han, you know I'm off diner
poop patrol for life

after I had to clean that booth
where the senior left...

Well, we'll just call it
an elderberry.

Well, Caroline, Max said no,
so you have to do it.

Han, you're kind of a baller
around your fish.

All right, I'm gonna do this
fast. Get in and get out.

Same thing I do
when that bird is in our shower.

-(BELL RINGS)
-Pick up, Max.

Look, I'm calling to tell you
I met somebody else

so I'm breaking up with you.

Now put your mother on.
I'm breaking up with her too.

I can't believe this.
I'm a Cabana Boy for fish.

I guess now I can add
"fish poop remover" to my resume

next to "supreme court intern."

I feel like there was a fish
in that last one.

Yup.

Oh, no, it's the expensive one.
That's so me.

I really didn't expect to see
you digging through garbage

until you were 30.

(SHRIEKING)

It's still alive!
I need to keep her wet.

Oh, covered in tuna,

that's gotta be traumatic
for it.

(CAROLINE GASPS)

I feel like
it went down the drain.

It was an accident. I swear.

I love fish.
I would never hurt one.

Unless you count eating sushi

because then
I'm like "Jack the Ripper."

Caroline,
are things going swimmingly?

Jack, he's talking to you.

Oh, yeah. Swimmingly.

Especially the blue one.
He went in his little house.

He doesn't like to use
the restroom in front of his friends.

Yeah, we're a lot alike.

Thank you so much
for seeing us so quickly.

Sure, you guys can just wait in here.

Elliot's finishing up with his Pilates.

Do yourselves a favor.
Tell him his core looks tight.

Max, I'm so sorry
you have to sell T-Rux

for the fish money because of me.

YOUNG MAX: Talk to the fist
because the face is pissed.

I'm getting attitude from a bear?

That's where I'm at?

I can't believe all this stuff
he has from the '90s.

I can't believe he has to have
a party to come out.

That kid came out, out.

His umbilical cord is a Gucci belt.

Oh! These toys.

This is like looking back
at my childhood

but, you know, a time before
rainbows became political.

(GASPS) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

A my size Barbie.
I had ten of these.

Not to play with,
they were used as decoys

in case of a hostage situation.

And now your whole life's
a hostage situation.

Sorry, I'm late.

My trainer, Gary,
and I got derailed talking

about The Real Housewives
of Orange County.

-Your core looks really good.
-I know, honey.

Now while I get my check book,
say hello to the Olsens.

You got a lot of toys.

When I was a girl your age,
I only had this.

I don't suppose I could play

with my size Barbie
for a second.

I feel like that's a
"No, bitch."

I'm not just talking
about the toys.

You got a pretty sweet set-up.

That nice lady out there,

giving you everything you want,
taking care of you.

She's just a mom.
Everyone has one.

Not really. Some people
just have bad ass bears.

Max, are you sure about this?

This is the only thing you have
from your childhood.

Not true, I have a dent
in my skull

from a ball-peen hammer.

The last time I change
the channel

during Three's Company.

Can we fast forward this to me
having the bear

and you two leaving?

Okay, just take it,
it doesn't matter.

No, Max. It does matter.
We're not selling this.

He has enough toys.

I mean, all I wanted to do
was touch the life-size Barbie.

Okay, I see what's happening.

I've been down this road
with the Beanie Babies.

I'll give you 600 for the bear.

-Sold.
-No, Max. That's your childhood.

-700.
-Sold.

No, Max!

Caroline, my childhood
is not worth 700 dollars.

The most my mother
ever got for me

was 40 bucks and a Big Gulp.

But that's "little you"
in there, Max.

And she's priceless.

And she's about to erased
and taped over

by the soundtrack from Frozen.

Frozen? Who am I?
Me, a year ago?

No. Can't have her.

Well, what are we gonna do now
about the other child?

The one in the diner?

Well, I guess he's just
gonna have to grow up.

Grow up? You think
if he had that ability,

he wouldn't have used it yet?

So what, no bear?

Oh, please.

You'll have a bear in your life.
Trust me.

All right, Max. You're
gonna help me tell him, right?

You like giving him bad news.

No, I like giving him bad news

about how he's short
and has a big head.

You know, fun bad news.

Exciting news.
I got the fishies a new house.

I got it cheap.
It was a foreclosure.

Han, can we talk to you
over there in the booth,

the far booth?

Can it wait?
I want to put in the new condo

so Max will stop calling me
a slum lord.

Oh, that can wait,

I mean, those fish
aren't going anywhere.

Except for the blue one,
who's definitely playing

some kind of twisted game
of hide and seek.

Oh, yeah,
he loves that little house.

He's going to love this one
even more.

Max, can you join me?

I'm pretty busy waiting
on tables right now.

Okay, what's going on?

Max has never waited on a table
in her life.

Max, I need you over here.

I'm just putting down
this grilled cheese

because I don't want it
to get cold.

Now I'm freaking out.

Max, don't do this to me.

I know where the bodies
are buried, literally.

I move them every six months.

Well, what is it?

Han, sometimes in life,

things happen
that you don't want to happen.

Yes.

And even though it's hard,
you know,

-you just have to face up to it.
-I suppose.

Oh, dear God, this is rough.

And, well...

Han, I don't wanna have
to tell you this,

I know this is the last thing
you ever want to hear...

Oh, just say it.

The tampon machine
is broken again.

Later, I'll get my blindfold
and fix it.

Word of advice?

When you do finally kill me,

you gotta work on your game face
for the cops.

Max, please. I can't tell Han
I murdered his fish. I can't.

Well, I can't tell him either.

Oh, hell, I'll tell him.
I'm a black man,

everyone already assumes
I did it.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

It's just a fish.
He'll be fine.

I've decided I'll give Blue
the new house

at its birthday party later.

It's the damn fish's birthday?
I'm out.

And you're all invited.

Blue's two years old today.

They don't usually live
that long.

No, they do not.

That's it, we can't tell him.

Even at Han's age,

which I am guessing is somewhere
between 14 and 53...

some kids
just aren't ready to grow up.

What are we gonna do?

We're gonna run out
and buy a new one.

Where are we gonna get
the money?

Oleg?

You know how two years ago

you offered me 1000 dollars
for a back rub?

Of course.

Caroline will do it
for 500 dollars.

Deal. One last hurrah.

Over the clothes,
above the waist

and I don't know why,
but you have to wear a condom.

Yes, Father Dominic
Rosello, please.

Oh, he's celebrating mass?

Oh yeah, could you just tell him

that Sophie Kachinski
is converting to monogamy?

And... she won't be kneeling
at his altar anymore.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
he'll understand.

Where's Han and does he know?

No, but I can't keep
pretending I see that fish.

I'm a pot-head
with a touch of glaucoma.

I'm seeing stuff
that's not there.

Not seeing stuff that's there.
It's confusing.

Okay. Come on, come on.
Put it in, put it in, put it in.

I have a whole new
respect for every guy

that's ever gone out with you.

HAN: Happy birthday, Blue

Happy birthday
Happy birthday, Blue

Where's Blue?
I haven't seen her all day.

I just saw it.
Yeah, it was definitely there.

You're not gonna give Blue
that cupcake

without a photo-op, are you?
Where's your iPad?

I just saw it.
Yeah, it was definitely there.

Yeah, Han, go.

You need a pic
so you can post it on Facebook

or Fishbook or whatever.

Good idea.
Here, hold this.

Hey, Caroline,
you look less flat.

You finally get that boob job
you needed?

I feel like the baggy broke.

Yup, that's what happens
when you get the cheap implants.

Oh, my God, there is definitely

something moving
around in my bra.

Well, it's good you can still
recognize that feeling.

It's right-- (SHRIEKS)
Oh, I touched it. Gross.

Someone, put your hand in my bra
and help me.

Why now?
Now that I'm off the market.

No, no, no.

I'm afraid I'm gonna squish it
and kill it again.

Okay, just get up on the counter
and drop it in the tank.

What?

Get up on the counter,
spread your legs

and just let it fall
into the tank.

You know what?
Forget the back rub.

After this, we're square.

Okay, straddle the tank,
pull out your uniform

and let it go.

Now I owe you money.

Just squat over the tank

like you're delivering
a fish baby.

I'm delivering a fish baby?
This is where I'm at?

Stop asking.
That's where you're at.

(WINCES)

Okay, now that I saw, right?

Caroline, get down.
It's not that kind of party.

Max, you're really
still gonna send T-Rux back?

After we got bullied by a kid

with a Tiffani Amber Thiessen pillow?

Relax, T-Rux is right over
there by the register.

And by the way,
he's our first employee.

Anytime we get
a bone-head customer,

he can say, "Talk to the fist,

-...because the face is pissed."
-Because the face is pissed.

I'm just sending my mother
something to say thank you

for everything she gave me
when I was a child.

-What's in there?
-Nothing.

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(English US - SDH)

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