All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s03e13 Big But

Fresh warm cupcakes!

Enjoy this winter wonderland
with some hot, hot cocoa!

Why are we open
and selling to no one

when we should be closed
and taking a floor nap?

Yes, Max,
it's a blizzard right now,

but in an hour, it could be 65!

That's the beauty of global warming.

You, stop!

I'll give you a peppermint stick!

That is a straw with red stripes.

Well, what sounds better, Max?

A peppermint stick
or, "A straw with red stripes"?

First of all,
great impression of me.

And second, no one in their
right mind

is stopping for cupcakes
right now.

(POLISH ACCENT) Hey, girls!

Guess who wants a cupcake?

It's me.

Here you go, Sophie.

See, Max, we have a customer.

And just so you know,
I'm not gonna pay.

Oh, I'm so glad you stayed open

even with all this
snow everywhere.

You know, good for you.

You two are really committed

to this little cupcake window...

...even when it's stupid.

That's it, we're closing.

These streets need
to be plowed

more than that poor
married Jonas brother.

-No, wait. Listen!
-(VEHICLE BEEPING)

It's the snowplow.

Now, people will
be able to get to us.

I told you it is gonna be
one of those magical

New York City nights.

Do it again!

(THEME MUSIC)

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

Why are we here?

It's still snowing,
and we have no customers.

I had to put money in the cash
register just to steal it.

We can't just leave.
Han's not here.

Maybe the trains aren't running

or Han got knocked out
by a snowflake.

Well, you know the diner rule....

the one I just made up.

If he's 30 minutes late,
we grab whatever

we can fit in our pockets
and leave.

Of course,
if he's 31 minutes late

and there's no one here,
we all get fired.

But I say we roll the dice.

Well, whatever happened,

we can't run the diner
if Han's not here.

That's right.

Who's gonna walk
around here

guessing what a vagina looks like?

Uhh... me?

(BELL DINGS)

Pick up. I like this cold weather.

I get to wear my chin-cheetah hat.

Chin-cheetah?

That's not even a real animal.

Yes, it is. This was the last one.

Who's that food for?
We don't have any customers.

It's for me and Deke.

We're studying pastry school stuff
in the cupcake shop.

We're also putting rocks
in snowballs

and throwing them
at hipsters

wearing those stupid
stuffed animal hats.

Max, you think school will be open?

I was hoping it'd be closed

so I'd have at least
have one day

where I wouldn't
have to deal with drama

between me and Chef Nicolas.

Oh, is that
the married man you kissed?

-Who told you?
-You! Like a hundred times.

Ooh!
Let's play a snow day game.

Like what?

Guess the code to the
safe in Han's office?

I know the first two numbers
are eight and nine.

How about...

If you could have sex with
anyone here, who would it be?

"Could have" or "forced to have"?

Oleg, you go first.

-I pick Caroline.
-Oh, thank you. That's gross.

No, Caroline got mauled
by a bear in the snow.

I did?

No, it was me in a bear costume.

She never saw me coming.

So my only two choices
are you or Earl?

No, Earl passed away
in his sleep.

Of course, you'll feel terrible

when that happens
in a couple of weeks.

Now, if you'd excuse me,

I'm going to go home
and roll me a fatty.

Her name is Denise.

Okay, so I pick you.

Me?

You pick me out
of all these two people?

-Luis, are you blushing?
-No! I'm wearing blush.

Don't worry, everyone!
I survived!

Still don't know where Han is,

but the new Bond
villain just arrived.

Now there's an even bigger
Octopussy in town.

I'm very sorry I'm late.

I got stuck in a snow bank
and had to pee myself out.

Where's Max?

And I know she's not
trapped in the storm

'cause she's the one
who taught me....

how to pee my way out.

Max, what is the French name
for this pastry

that looks like a bunch
of glazed balls?

(FRENCH ACCENT) A sha-ta-ta?

No.

(FRENCH ACCENT)
A doh-doh-doh-doh-doh?

Oh, so close.
(FRENCH ACCENT) It's a "pata-choo."

French and chemistry
for pastry school?

I thought class was gonna be like,

"Which is better, cake or bread?"

"They're both great, duh.
Here's your degree."

I have terrible news.

Han's not dead and he wants us
to do side work.

Do you mind? Harry Pothead
and I are trying to study.

Oh, Max, I know how we'll pass.

We can ask that girl
next to us in class for help.

She speaks French.

You know, the one
with the bubble butt, Judy?

Oh, yeah! Judy with the booty.

You don't know her that well.

Please, call her
"Judith with the boodith."

Max, can I interrupt
this episode of "Ass Chat"...

...and talk to you outside
for a second?

-Sure.
-Hey, Max.

Her butt's so big, she walks
into the room doggie-style.

(CHUCKLES)

Like I said to my uncle
when he came into my bedroom

in the middle of the night,
"This better be good."

Does it bother you when Deke
talks about other girls

with you like you're a guy?

Not as much as
it bothers me when you

talk to me like I'm a girl.

Look, Deke and I are just bros.

I don't want to sleep with him.

Not that there's anything wrong

with two bros
sleeping together.

I'm not bromophobic.

It's just not what this is.

So you're sure
there's nothing sexual

going on between
you and him?

Yes, I'm sure.

No!

Watch, I'm gonna
take a snow swim.

(SHOUTS)

Not that cold.
(SPUTTERS)

You're right,
nothing sexual there,

unless you like
adult men in Underoos.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Well, there's Nicolas.

I was not prepared for this.

Really? 'Cause we spent
the entire subway ride

preparing you for this.

Okay, look, should I
brace myself for weirdness

between you two?

And by that,
I mean should I hit this?

No, I'm cool.

Cool as a cucumber.

LL Cool J.
Never been cooler.

Ugh, why didn't I drink
before you said that?

Oh, yeah.
I am gonna ice him out.

Well, maybe lose
a couple of those cubes

because he is your boss,
and the only reason

I can afford to go here
is 'cause you work in the office.

Don't worry, he'll never know.
Pretend you're Nicolas.

(IMITATING NICOLAS)
Hello, Caroline.

I am a man,
but I am pretty like a lady.

-Good morning, how are you?
-Ooh, that was good.

-(ELEVATOR DINGS)
-'DEKE: Sup, Max?

-Look who I got to ride up with.
-Hey, Max.

Hey, Jude.
You ever heard that one before?

Yeah. Is that, like, a thing?

Thanks for the ride up, Deke.

Caroline.
(MOUTHING)

I thought we were gonna have
to take the freight elevator.

Really? I assumed you guys
would take the

ass-calator.

Oh, hello, Caroline.

Good morning, how are you?

Very well, thank you.

Can't you see I'm mad at you?

-Then why are you smiling?
-This is my fake face.

Then what does
your real face look like?

How dare you kiss me
when you're married?

I prefer the fake one.

-Bonjour, class.
-Bonjour, Chef Nicolas.

Today, we will be concentrating

on the chemistry of baking,
for tomorrow's test.

I don't know about
the damn test,

but I would ace a
pop quiz on that ass.

-Oh, sorry.
-I'll get that.

Let Judy pick it up.

It's a chance to see
it in motion.

You think she got that thing

at a Kim Kardashian
backyard sale?

When you add water
to the flour

to hydrate the two proteins,

glutenin and gliadin,
those two proteins

are drawn to each other,
and they bond.

Like I like to say,
they're hot for each other.

Max, look, they were drawn
to each other,

they bonded,

and now,
we've got our own big butt.

Dat ass, though!

More like dat ass dough.

You need to wet
the dough with water

to keep it moist and supple.

Wet your bread,
everyone.

Wet your bread.

Mine's pretty wet.
How's yours?

Mine would be,
but it's on antidepressants.

Work with your partner.

Help each other out.

Here, let me help, Max.

Yeah, mine's not as
smooth as yours.

Keep kneading it.
You need more water.

It's better, right?

Yeah, I think wetting it helped.

Caroline, something
is really wrong with me.

Don't freak out.

I'm here for you.

Unless it's something I can catch.

Something weird happened.

I think I might have
feelings for Deke.

Oh, God, no!

I mean, that is interesting.
Let's talk about that.

I don't know what to do.
We're bros.

And I don't want to
ruin the friendship...

Which is really unlike me.

I always ruin friendships.

I've tried to ruin ours
since you moved in.

Well, what changed with Deke?

It was so weird,
he was wetting my bread

and then my bread was wet,
if you know what I'm saying.

Okay, thank you.
I'm finally off bread.

Look, I understand.

You can't always help
who you're attracted to.

It's like with me and Nicolas--

This is not the same
as you and Frenchie.

I wasn't attracted
to Deke before today.

The first time you
met Nicolas

your vagina fell on the floor

and tried to crawl up his leg.

Yes, but I scooped it up
and snapped it back on.

Because I was not born

to have sex
with a married man.

If I was, I would have flirted
with Matt Lauer

when he came over
for the Christmas tree lighting

at my house.

Matt Lauer, that guy's got game.

No hair, but game.

Hey, everybody, good news!

Oh, I passed that kidney stone.

Yeah, I think the skiing loosened it.

Oh, I felt like I was birthing
a baby through my eye hole.

Did you save the stone?

'Cause only three more

and you can make me
that necklace.

Max, don't change the subject.

What are you gonna
do about Deke?

Oh, wait, I love giving advice.

I had my own advice column
in Poland.

It was called, "Don't Do That!"

Sophie, have you ever
had sex with a friend?

(GASPS)
Oh, no.

Are you two gonna do it?

-No, that is not what--
-Oh, don't do that!

No, it will ruin
your relationship

and my opinion of Max.

What about your opinion of me?

(MUMBLES)
It's already pretty low.

What am I gonna do about Deke?

He's coming over
to study tonight.

Oh, God, I sound like
such a girl from the '50s.

Gonna go cry
into my princess phone.

You should tell Deke
how you feel,

and tell him tonight,

because I think that
Judy girl likes him

and I think he might
like her too.

Why do you say that?

I literally don't care at all,

but I just want to know,
why would you say that?

Max, he likes big butts,
and he cannot lie.

"At what temperature
does sugar crystallize?"

"Fahrenheit and Celsius."
Go, Max.

Max.

Why are you looking
at me like that?

This doesn't make any sense!

Well, your book is upside down.

Hey, hearing a lot
of chitchat in here.

Just wanted to make sure
you two are studying.

Stop studying. Kiss him.

All right, well,
I better be going.

-Just, pretend I'm not here.
-I always do.

Hey um...

This is weird,
but before we study,

I kind of have
something to tell you.

Weird, 'cause I kinda
have something to tell you.

That is weird.
Maybe it's the same thing.

Someone wants to have
sex with me.

How did you know that?

'Cause Judy with the booty
just texted me,

"Would you like to study tonight?

And then have sex with me?"

I think you've interpreted
that correctly.

Wow, she's direct
and, I might add, slutty.

I know, she's got balls
to go with that butt.

So what were you gonna tell me?

Oh, I--I was going to tell you

what you just told me.

That Judy with the booty
wants to have sex with you.

Glad she got up the guts
to tell you.

So go for it.

Wait, you want me to go for it?

Yeah, totally, go for it.

She seems kind of clean,
go get it.

But we're supposed to study.

I wouldn't want to bail
on you just to go hit that.

Hey, if you don't, I will.

You're really gonna
pass that ass up?

Now get going

'cause I have to memorize
what temperature

cho-cho-cho
turns into chan-chan-chan.

-So you're telling me to go?
-I'm saying, "Ta-ta-ta."

Go get her bread wet.
Make it rise, bro.

Okay, then, bro.

I guess I will go,
but with that butt,

if I come back a crack addict,
it's your fault.

Where's he going?
Is this a condom run?

Is he going on a condom run?

'Cause, if he is,

can you text him to
pick me up a Diet Coke?

Can, not a bottle.
You know the deal.

He's going to have sex
with Judy.

You were right, he's into her.

I'm so glad I didn't say anything.

That would have felt terrible.

-How do you feel now?
-Terrible.

But at least
I didn't embarrass myself.

I was this close
to showing him my gnomes.

Wow, you must really like him

if you were willing to let him know
that you're an insane person.

Well, I'm about to be
more screwed than Judy

because I didn't study at all.

I know French.
I can help you.

You can help me with the keys
you have to Nicolas' office.

We are breaking in
and stealing the test!

Why are you covering his ears?

He knows you steal.

You took him from someone's yard.

I can't believe we're sneaking
into his office to steal your test.

This is cheating.

Oh, don't worry.

I hear my teacher's
kind of into cheating.

Can't argue with that.

Max, please hurry.
Find the test

and let's get out of here

because we shouldn't
be in here

and it smells like him
and I like it.

Okay, one of these papers
has to be it.

Oh, no, everything's written
in secret code!

Max, that's French.

How is it possible
he's even better-looking

in photos
than in real life?

Max, hurry up.
I can't be around his stuff.

My vagina's trying to get out
of my pants again.

Well, get her out here!

Maybe she can help me
look for the test

'cause you're useless.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Oh, no, it's Nicolas.

I can smell him in the hall,
and I like it.

Max, let's get out of here.

Okay, well, you have to
stay and distract him

so I can sneak out.

Just pretend you're not mad

and you came in to see him.

I can't just turn it on like that.

What am I, an actress
at a cocktail party?

You have to, it's the only
logical explanation you have

for being in here.

Caroline.

I've missed you.
I'm in your office.

That's the only
logical explanation I have

for being in here.

Oh, ouch!

Oh, sorry.
Did I hurt you?

Oh, no, I'm sitting on something.

Oh, sorry.
Oh, those are the exams for today.

Oh, well, let me just
give us some room

while I push these exams
on the floor.

Now, kiss me again,

but, this time,
lay on top of me

so your legs are out
of the way. Now, go!

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

You know this can't happen.
You're married.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go snap
something back on.

Well, here are the test answers.

But I don't know what
the questions are

because I only got half the test,

and I'm only half sure
those are the answers.

Whoa, dude,
how did you get this?

I turned Caroline into a whore.

Can you figure out any of this?

I don't have any idea
what these questions could be.

I didn't study either.

Judy and I got to talk,
and it got pretty involved.

Well, now we're screwed.

I mean, you already got screwed.

Congrats. Proud of you, bro.

Max, we're gonna flunk this test.

Better go to the men's room

and write all the answers
on my penis.

Don't worry, they'll fit.

I hope you're happy?

I've now kissed a
married man twice.

Oh, and here, I grabbed this
from Nicolas' office.

That's not the test.
It's a phone bill.

I know, I wanted you to see
he doesn't call his wife much.

(FIRE ALARM BLARES)

Fire! Everyone get out!

Move your big ass!
We're gonna burn!

Scoot.

Oh, my God, Max!
I hope Nicolas is okay!

Don't worry about me,
I'm right behind you!

Caroline, I want you to be safe.

Come with me.

You're married.

I'll just stay here and burn.

Caroline, don't be crazy.

This is all your fault.

Don't worry about me,
I'm right behind you!

(ALARM STOPS)
Max, wait.

It's just a false alarm.
I pulled it.

So classy.

You weren't gonna
pass that test

and I need you
in that class with me.

You did this for me?

Yeah, and for me too,
I wasn't gonna pass either.

But, look,

when you were talking about
me and Judy just now,

you seemed kind of weird, and--

Oh, hey, I just had
a weird moment yesterday

when you were getting
my dough wet

and I kinda got turned on.

Sort of thought I liked you.
Yeah, gross, right?

Oh, right, yeah.
Totally gross.

Anyway, dude, we're just bros.

Okay, bro...

But just so you know,

nothing happened between
me and Judy last night.

That's lame.

If you like a girl

you should just grab her
and kiss her.

Okay.

-Was that weird?
-Yeah. And I liked it.

Max, come on! Oh.

Sorry to interrupt,

but we're supposed to
evacuate the building.

There's no fire.
Deke pulled the alarm.

I wanted to kiss her.

Yeah. Turns out he's into dudes.

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(English US - SDH)

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