All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s03e08 It Hole

Thank you.

That was like our tenth
gay guy tonight.

Let's have our gay buzz
last longer than Adam Lambert's.

Oh, well, I'm all over it.

And by "it," I mean
I'm all over Grindr.

Max, why are you
on that app?

You're not a gay man
looking for anonymous sex.

Don't put me in a box.

You told me to find ways
to drum up business,

well, I'm drumming it up by
showing off this guy's bid-ness.

I pretended to be a rough
and ready Puerto Rican guy

who still likes to cuddle.

That there is gay chum,
my friend.

Ooh, I hooked a big one.
Get the net.

Hi.

Was a muscular
Puerto Rican guy just here?

When is there not?

Would you like to purchase
a delicious cupcake

while you wait?

Well, maybe, while I wait.

My phone says he's right here.

Here, this is on the house

because the muscular
gay guy...

-That's him.
-Oh.

It's cool that you're
transitioning,

but you really should let people know
you're not Puerto Rican.

Wow.

He said he was 22 and butch,
so I'm mad, too.

(THEME MUSIC)

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

Earl, I need my checks
for tonight.

-Beautiful.
-Check.

-Sexy.
-Check.

-Cool.
-Check.

Sorry, I'm late.

I was ten minutes early
for my shift,

so I thought,
"Well, I have 20 minutes to kill"...

....and I wondered into
this cool surf shop

and saw this guy polishing
a surfboard.

A surfer here?

You don't hang ten in Williamsburg,
you hang yourself.

I'm with Max.

The only waves we get in Brooklyn
are heat waves and crime waves.

Earl, you never go out
to the beach?

Are you crazy?

I ain't gonna
get eaten by some shark.

Ain't nobody
got time for that.

The chances of you
being bitten by a shark

are like .0001 percent.

Not if you're black.

Sharks are racist as hell.

That's why they call them
"great whites."

Marc, the surfer and I
really hit it off,

and he is so cute,

like a young Matthew McConaughey
but with real hair.

So nothing like
Matthew McConaughey.

I hope he texts me.
I love surfing.

I never go in the water because
I know if I start drowning,

I'm not gonna fight it.

When I used to summer
in St. Barts,

there'd be these sexy
Italian surfers,

and they'd invite us
to sunbathe on their boards.

I mean, they robbed us,
but it was amazing.

Caroline, if you're looking
for that kind of guy,

I have a cousin
who loves the water.

It's the only place
he can move his legs.

Oh, sweet.
No thanks.

Well, think about it.

You'll be the front row
of every concert

and he doesn't move around
a lot when he sleeps.

Here.

Give old Ironside
my number.

What!
I love music.

And if he bugs me,

the city has one of those free vans
that will take him home.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

It's the surfer
asking me out to dinner.

And he thinks he can get us into
the hot new spot, Harlow & Daughters.

Oh, that's that trendy restaurant

that replaced a perfectly
good Hot Dog on a Stick.

Good night, broke-ass divas.

Good night, brokeback waiter.

I'm gonna go get a massage.

And then, who knows?
Maybe give one.

Oh, who am I kidding?
I'm coming back here pregnant.

Luis, can you work
for me tomorrow?

Absolutely not. No.

Oleg's working.

I'll ask him to wear
his fishnet tank top.

Then, yes.

Dinner with a cute guy
who has connections

to the A-list place.

I'm living my old life.

Hey, everybody.

Did your old life
have one of these?

Caroline, what is
my number one diner rule?

Don't tell anyone the meat
isn't real?

Sh! Come on,
you can see it.

It's real.

Don't tell anyone
you buy the shrimp

out of your friend's trunk?

He lays down a blanket.
No.

-No, phones.
-(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Max, he got us the reservation.

I'm going to dinner
at the new "it" place.

Ooh! The "it" place.

Let's have dinner
at the "it" place.

How come this isn't
the "it place"?

This isn't an "it place".

It's more of an "it hole."

Okay. So, how do we become
an "it place"?

First, burn the place down.
Start fresh.

Then you create hype

by making it impossible
to get a reservation.

You basically refuse
to let anyone in.

Can I be the first?

Okay, I've put
my date purse together.

I've got my gum, my glass
and a 20 dollar bill

to make it seem
like I have money,

which I will return to the
register at the diner tomorrow.

Well, you're welcome
to use my date purse.

It's a Ziploc with a cigar
and a change of boxers.

And my phone
is fully charged,

so I can call an Uber car
to take me home.

An Uber car?

You can't afford
a fancy town car.

Yesterday, you used
an English muffin to exfoliate.

Yeah, and then I ate it.

Plus it's on our
joint credit card,

which means every time
you make a dumb purchase,

you owe me a joint.

I don't want to have him
take me home

and give him the wrong idea.

Oh, please do give him
the wrong idea.

Stay out all night
with a surfer,

ride his half-pipe.

That's not surfboard,
that's snowboard.

Perfect, because I'm snow-bored
with this conversation.

What do you think,
these things on full display?

I hate to be that roommate,

but I didn't say you could
borrow my breasts.

What, it's just a push-up bra,

chicken cutlets,
a little tissue and some tape.

You know, natural.

Just go on your date already.

Nancy and I have been really
looking forward to you leaving

so we can walk around naked
and do some lines of cat nip.

-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-Oh, that must be him.

Don't worry,
he's not coming inside.

He better not 'cause
we can't afford a baby.

Oh, it's just Sophie.

(POLISH ACCENT) "Just Sophie!"

That was the name
of my talk show in Poland.

Oh, how I wished I could have
been a guest on that show.

No, there weren't no guests.
It was just Sophie.

Oh, you're getting ready
for your big date, Caroline?

How did you hear
about my date?

Oh, well, your voice travels.

Yeah.

I hear everything that does
and doesn't happen down here

and down there, so...

Yeah. So, let's just say I'm very
glad that you're going on a date.

Oh, and I got you
a little present.

Cinnamon mints
for your first kiss.

Oh, that's so sweet, Sophie.

Yeah, and I got you
a big grab bag of condoms.

I got all sizes.

I got magnums,
I got super magnums,

I got regular and...

...he's got a great personality.

Here you go.

Usually, a great personality

is the only
birth control I need.

Thank you but I am a lady,

and I won't be needing these
until our third date.

Well, you better hurry up
and get dressed.

Sophie, I'm already dressed.

You are?

And I like what I'm wearing.

You do?

Well... just put on
a little makeup.

I'm fully made up.

You are?

Oh, well, you know,
maybe when you do your hair.

Okay, I'm a little
behind on my hair.

My boobs were a bigger project
than I thought.

And I like what I'm wearing,
and I don't have time to change

'cause he's already
20 minutes late.

Twenty minutes late.

Yeah, that's a no-show.

You've just got stood up.

You got stood up
something awful.

I did not get stood up.
I've never been stood up.

In fact, I wouldn't even know
if I was being stood up

because that's how little I know
about being stood up.

Am I being stood up?

No, you are not.
Guys are always late.

I once waited
three days for a guy.

But he showed up
with a ransom money

and you don't see me living
in a fridge anymore.

Okay, fine.

Nobody got stood up.

So, I'll just sit here
and text while we wait,

you know... forever.

And then, finally,
when it dawns on you,

we can call our friend Oleg
and he can go put a hit on him.

You know what, maybe he thought
we were meeting there.

I'm calling the restaurant
to see-- Yes. Hi.

Has a Marc Faison
checked in yet?

He has not.

What about now?

It's just that
he was supposed to--

Well, I'm busy, too.

Don't be so snooty,
you used to be a Hot Dog on a Stick.

Just a heads-up,
if he doesn't show,

I'm still getting naked.

-(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
-Oh, there he is.

No, it's from Amazon.

Someone's sending me a copy

of He's Just Not That Into You.

Yeah, I'm here for you, girl.

Well, I got stood up.

Remember where you are, Max.

This was the day
Caroline Channing got stood up.

Well, screw him
for standing you up!

And from now on,
never trust a guy

who surfs anything
besides porn.

Oh, look.

Harlow & Daughters has a real
old tiny general store

kind of vibe.

I guess they take
"Throwback Thursday"

really seriously here.

I mean it's 1840.

Yeah, I wanted to take you
back to a time

before you were stood up.

Thank you for making me
take the reservation, Max.

I mean, otherwise, I was just gonna
get in bed and be depressed.

You were in bed
and you were depressed.

Don't rewrite history just
'cause these folks have.

I mean we are smack
in the belly

of Williamsburg ironic chic,
and I want to smack it.

Look, they even have
a country clothesline

hung with baby clothes.

We should get this for Han.

I mean, that is the most
pretentious thing

I've ever seen.

Hi. Welcome to
Harlow & Daughters.

I'm the host, Brian Brian.

No, that is.

Yes, hi, Brian Brian.

We have a reservation.
Faison, party of two.

Is your whole party here?

Well, I don't know how whole

I can ever hope to be
as I am illegitimate.

Yes, we're both here
and thank you.

So, both you
and Mr. Faison are here?

Yes, I'm transitioning.
Ask around.

You can have a drink

and I'll call you
when your table is ready.

Thank you, thank you,
Brian Brian.

I'll be right over.

Go use your new boobs
to get us a seat at the bar.

Hi.

I know what
wait-by-the-bar means.

I've been working
in restaurants

since your clothes
were in style.

-It means I'll seat you when--
-Brian, Brian.

Bri-Bri, BB, come on.

You and I both know
there's no guy coming.

My friend got stood up.

So, please
don't make things worse.

Just take out your cool
little hunting knife

and cut us some slack.

This is where I tip you
with cash or offer you sex,

but I'm kind of broke
and you're kind of gay,

so just be nice.

We don't really need to bring
my sexuality into it.

I understand.

It's hard to be out
a 100 years ago.

Oh, funny.

Right this way, Mr. Faison.

Oh, that was quick.
They're so nice here.

Yeah, just regular folks,

sitting around
designer pickle barrels.

All right, here's your table.

-Have a seat.
-Sure where?

On these Amish birthing stools
we're all calling chairs?

Stick to the gay jokes.

Our Wi-Fi password
is on the ox hide.

Your waitress
will be right over.

Max, a waitress will be
right over and it won't be us.

Look, dirty sawdust floors.

If we got a bag of wood chips,

our apartment could be
the new "it" place.

Hello, my name is York.

Hard to believe,
but a man named Brian Brian

has been dethroned.

York, that's fun.
York as in "New".

York as in York.
Just York.

So, what's this bit?

Okay, well, um, York,
we'd like to start with some drinks.

Having a girl's night out.

All the single ladies
put your hands up.

Yeah, you can't force it.

Our special libation
this evening

is the Smallpox.

It's absinthe, cloves,
orange bitters,

hand-muddled in a mason jar.

Was that drink
directed by Wes Anderson?

Can we just get two of your
ye olde cheapest beers

as soon as possible
because, Dr. Quinn,

I need some medicine, woman.

York, does the special soup
have any garlic?

Oh, my God!
No way.

What, is someone making soap?

No.

No garlic, you still think
the surfer is coming.

Well, he might.

See, I was supposed to have
a date with this guy--

You don't care.
So, the soup....

Actually, I'm just taking
drink orders right now.

Wow, who loved you?

I'm guessing she never went
to a father-daughter dance

with her mom's weed dealer.

You don't know, Max.

Maybe he lost his phone
and didn't have my number,

so he's on his way
running here.

Oh, you think he's just gonna
rush in soaking wet

and be like, "I'm so sorry,
the traffic was terrible.

The waves were
bumper to bumper."

This is not
a Katherine Heigl movie.

Sorry.
"Movie".

Fine, he's not coming.

And I'm not getting
into the Katie Heigl thing,

not here, not now.

Let's just enjoy our acorns.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Ooh, blocked number.
Maybe it's him. Hello.

Hang up, he's not coming.

Our drinks are right there.

I can see them over yonder
on "Ye Olde Bar".

It's been an hour.

Where is our waitress,
Lizzie Borden?

Probably in the back
deciding which words

to pronounce weirdly.

I'm starving.
Pass out those chicken cutlets.

No wonder they don't have
any bad Yelp reviews,

no one's ever tasted
their food.

Hi.

Our drinks, and did you
ask the chef about the soup?

You know,
I haven't had a minute.

She hasn't had a minute?

What she's been doing,
dancing with wolves?

-I mean, have you ever?
-I know. Can you even?

Byron and I have
been here forever,

and have yet to see our
dandelion chickpea foie gras.

-He's hypoglycemic and I'm Lila.
-And I'm pissed.

I'm getting our drinks.

-Would you get us some wine?
-Oh, sure, what kind?

A chardonnay for me and Byron
will have a sauvignon blanc.

Max, no,
they'll kick us out and--

And what?
What, Caroline?

You won't be here
when he arrives?

Dear Lord, the man
is not coming!

I know that, Max,
and he's not coming because he died.

He died, that's the only
reason I can accept.

What's up?
How we all doing tonight?

Not so good.
My girlfriend just broke up with me.

Oh, yeah?
You like blondes?

'Cause I got one
who's ready to pop.

No, man,
I'm into Asian chicks.

Yeah, who isn't?

Except for Asian guys.

Hey, do me a favor,
just wait a minute,

and then come over to my table
and flirt with my friend.

Why would I do that?

On the house.

Is that the dandelion
chickpea and other things

that don't belong
in a dish together thing?

All right,
your dandelion chickpea,

a chardonnay,
and a sauvignon blanc.

Enjoy.

What do you think
you're doing?

Waiting on tables.
Look into it.

York, York, don't be mad.

Byron was starving
and we're thirsty.

Don't kick us out,
we're too weak to go anywhere else.

The soup has garlic.

Oh, then no.
The salmon, please.

Bring her the damn soup,

she ain't kissing nobody tonight.

And I'll have
the free-range chicken

that thought it had a chance.

For your help.

Byron wants you
to have it.

Well, Byron is the only real
old-fashioned thing in here.

I hope you both
survive the winter.

Hey, can I join you?

Ooh, I think that
"Can I join you?" was to you.

Oh, sure, have a seat.

You're pretty.
You have a good body.

Wow, thank you.

That's actually
kind of nice to hear,

because this is hard to believe,
but I got stood up tonight,

and it kind of makes me feel good
when you say I'm pretty

-and I have a good body.
-(NOTIFICATION DINGS)

-What are you doing?
-Oh, I'm on Tinder.

It's the straight Grindr.
I just got a hit.

Well, I'm out.
Thanks for the drink.

You paid a guy
to say I'm pretty?

And then he blew me off?

Oh, my God. I just realized
something upsetting.

What, that we could be
enjoying delicious hot dogs

on sticks right now?

No, I'm a B.

No, you're an A.

That bra just makes you
look like a B.

No, I mean me,
as a woman.

I'm a B.

You know, all this time,
I kind of thought I was an A,

but maybe I'm just a B.

That's why he walked away
and why the surfer stood me up.

Caroline, I really want
to be here for you right now,

but I gotta get a gin fizz
to the prospector in the corner.

Max, am I a B?
Why didn't he come?

All I know about that surfer
is that he is a D

followed by three
other letters.

I'd spell it out for you,

but I'm literally afraid
I'd get it wrong.

Interesting that you
didn't say I wasn't a B.

Look, I don't give myself
letters in life.

To me, it is clearly
a pass/fail situation.

And you're sitting up,

not drooling on yourself,
so pass.

Well, well, well,
where have you ladies been all night?

I don't know, I'd say somewhere
between 1846 and 1860.

And it is so great
to be back in 1974.

Well, Han, you did a good job
of making this place exclusive.

There is literally nobody here.

It wasn't my doing, there was
a possum in the men's room.

Correction, there is a possum
in the men's room.

Oh, the ingredients
are escaping the kitchen again?

Well, I gotta go to the men's room
and pull out the possum.

Oh, is that what you do
when we're not here?

All right, let's sit down

in that authentically run-down
old booth and eat something.

Yeah, see, those stains
aren't fake, that's real blood.

I was right here
when that guy got stabbed.

Like I said at the time,
"Call me honey one more time,

and I will stab you."

You know what I just realized?

Even if I am a B,
at least I'm an authentic B.

I don't pretend to be
something I'm not.

You do kind of pretend
to be something you're not...

A "B".

Finally, I have some customers.

You know, I've been sitting
in the back watching Oleg

shuck his corn all night?

Thank you.

Now, Luis knows
how to give service.

Come on, chica, don't set me up
like that, it's too easy.

Max, I think I'm gonna let go
of letter-grading myself

and adopt your pass/fail system.

And sitting with you
right here is so not a fail.

-Oh, it's just Oleg and Sophie.
-Oh, my God!

You looked 'cause you thought
it was gonna be the surfer.

Epic fail!

Hey, what are you two
doing together?

Oh, Sophie and I had some
business to take care of.

-Right, Sophie?
-Oh, yeah.

Caroline, we got your back.

That Mike won't be out there
surfing again for quite a while.

The surfer's name isn't Mike.
It's Marc.

No wonder he kept screaming,
"My name is not Marc!"

Well, I'll tell you one thing,

we may have seen a lot
of fake things tonight,

but that's a for-real possum.

Wow, Han's possum is bigger
than I thought it would be.

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(English US - SDH)

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