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1
00:00:00,793 --> 00:00:01,923
Hi, how can I help you?
2
00:00:02,085 --> 00:00:05,125
And by that I mean, "What's the least
I can do to help you?"
3
00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:07,339
I'll have the burger with the fries.
4
00:00:08,134 --> 00:00:09,884
She'll have it with the salad.
5
00:00:12,762 --> 00:00:13,932
But I want the fries.
6
00:00:14,098 --> 00:00:16,598
Well, you want them,
but you don't need them.
7
00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:21,114
Fine. The salad.
8
00:00:21,856 --> 00:00:23,396
I have to pee.
9
00:00:24,734 --> 00:00:26,744
-Hi, what's your name?
-David.
10
00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:28,822
David, you should go.
11
00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:31,610
I'm sorry?
12
00:00:31,824 --> 00:00:32,954
You want her to have salad,
13
00:00:32,991 --> 00:00:34,121
she wants you to have hair.
14
00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:36,123
Neither one's gonna happen tonight.
15
00:00:37,787 --> 00:00:40,827
Yeah, it's not gonna work out
between you and French fries.
16
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,170
Oh, maybe it will
for a week or a year.
17
00:00:43,335 --> 00:00:45,495
Depends if she was
molested as a kid.
18
00:00:45,838 --> 00:00:47,718
But one of these days,
she's coming after you.
19
00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:49,840
Probably in the dark.
Probably with a knife.
20
00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:53,719
And she's gonna cut off
one or both of your balls.
21
00:00:54,345 --> 00:00:55,965
And you won't think
a side of fries matters
22
00:00:56,055 --> 00:00:58,265
when you have zero balls.
23
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:00,770
She'll have the fries.
24
00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:02,901
Yes, she will.
25
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,024
Good for us.
We saved another woman's dignity
26
00:01:05,106 --> 00:01:06,686
and another man's balls.
27
00:01:06,858 --> 00:01:09,398
Yeah, we're like Dr. Phil
but more qualified.
28
00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:14,489
(THEME MUSIC)
29
00:01:23,209 --> 00:01:25,629
Well, here I am, the owner,
waiting on tables.
30
00:01:25,795 --> 00:01:28,955
Does Barack Obama
unclog the White House toilets?
31
00:01:29,799 --> 00:01:31,259
What's wrong with this picture?
32
00:01:31,591 --> 00:01:33,381
Well, off the top of my head,
33
00:01:33,426 --> 00:01:35,216
I ordered a coffee ten minutes ago
34
00:01:35,346 --> 00:01:38,056
and you still haven't gotten it.
35
00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:41,308
Hey, man, I'm in the weeds here.
36
00:01:41,477 --> 00:01:44,437
Well, if you've got weed,
cancel the coffee.
37
00:01:46,022 --> 00:01:47,322
Uh, ladies, you're late.
38
00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:50,359
And Little Man Tate
over there is in a mood.
39
00:01:50,735 --> 00:01:52,855
Why, is he teething again?
40
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:55,781
Uh, hello?
41
00:01:55,908 --> 00:01:58,488
You were supposed
to be here ten minutes ago.
42
00:01:58,661 --> 00:02:00,291
In Korea, your heads
would be on sticks
43
00:02:00,328 --> 00:02:01,788
outside the Samsung factory
44
00:02:01,914 --> 00:02:04,004
and you would still
have to work.
45
00:02:04,542 --> 00:02:06,752
There is no coffee
prepped for your shift.
46
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,920
FYI, tiny dancer...
47
00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:12,172
...prepping coffee is that
lazy-ass day waiter's job.
48
00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:13,681
So don't blame us.
49
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,800
It's not our fault you hired
an incompetent wait staff.
50
00:02:17,096 --> 00:02:19,306
Hurry up.
You two need to make coffee.
51
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:21,063
And you need to hire
a new day waiter.
52
00:02:21,224 --> 00:02:23,234
And maybe while you're getting
new things around here,
53
00:02:23,394 --> 00:02:25,024
how about a brand-new
coffeemaker?
54
00:02:25,187 --> 00:02:27,477
One that isn't from an
Edward Hopper painting.
55
00:02:29,108 --> 00:02:31,568
Am I the only one
who's been to a museum?
56
00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:33,440
Uh, excuse me.
57
00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:36,410
I've been to the art section
of Bed, Bath & Beyond.
58
00:02:36,949 --> 00:02:39,739
What if I told you I already
got you what you want?
59
00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:41,656
A high-end cappuccino machine?
60
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:43,119
Listen, blonde ambition,
61
00:02:43,204 --> 00:02:44,624
I know you only
want me to get one
62
00:02:44,747 --> 00:02:46,627
so you can use it at
your cupcake window.
63
00:02:46,709 --> 00:02:47,919
How dare you?
64
00:02:48,085 --> 00:02:49,915
Unless you're comfortable
with that.
65
00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:52,589
No, I meant the new day waiter.
66
00:02:52,715 --> 00:02:54,925
He's in the kitchen.
Go train the new guy.
67
00:02:55,091 --> 00:02:56,931
What happened to the guy
we told you to fire?
68
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,340
We loved him.
69
00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:00,346
Okay, we'll go train the
new guy now.
70
00:03:00,431 --> 00:03:01,761
But about that coffeemaker,
71
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:03,218
what if go halfsies with you?
72
00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:04,478
We can't afford to go halfsies.
73
00:03:04,602 --> 00:03:05,982
We can't even go quarter-sies
74
00:03:06,103 --> 00:03:08,483
or eight-sies or whatever's
after eight-sies.
75
00:03:08,646 --> 00:03:10,516
Sixteenth-sies.
76
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:12,688
Shoot yourselves.
77
00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:15,187
(SPRAY HISSING)
78
00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:21,985
Did he say train
the new guy or new gay?
79
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,248
Hi, you must be the new day waiter.
80
00:03:26,414 --> 00:03:30,254
Ah, you must be the late girls
who are supposed to train me.
81
00:03:30,586 --> 00:03:31,836
Yes, I'm Luis.
82
00:03:32,003 --> 00:03:34,383
Did he say Luis or Louise?
83
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:36,220
I'll be out in a minute.
84
00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:38,220
I have to let this cream
dry on my face.
85
00:03:38,509 --> 00:03:40,349
Oh, I always wait for
the cream to dry.
86
00:03:40,471 --> 00:03:42,261
It's the polite thing to do.
87
00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:43,595
I'm Max.
88
00:03:43,765 --> 00:03:46,435
Oh, Max is funny.
89
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,730
Look at her.
90
00:03:47,937 --> 00:03:51,397
Oh, funny to mask the pain.
91
00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:52,864
I see you.
92
00:03:54,109 --> 00:03:55,779
Oh, and you're both pretty.
93
00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:57,914
Look at blondie.
94
00:03:58,072 --> 00:03:59,872
What have you had done?
95
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:04,081
Oh, me?
Nothing, but thank you.
96
00:04:04,118 --> 00:04:05,498
I'm Caroline.
97
00:04:05,663 --> 00:04:08,543
Well, nice to meet you,
but we won't be friends.
98
00:04:08,706 --> 00:04:10,126
I don't get attached.
99
00:04:10,209 --> 00:04:12,539
I'm a lifer,
I've been a waiter, 27 years.
100
00:04:12,711 --> 00:04:14,381
I've been a waiter 27 years too,
101
00:04:14,462 --> 00:04:16,092
and I'm only 26.
102
00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:20,507
And I don't get personal,
so don't ask me how old I am.
103
00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:24,175
I am 53.
104
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:27,182
Well, my face is five.
105
00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:28,730
You look amazing.
106
00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:30,314
I've only been waiting
tables two years.
107
00:04:30,396 --> 00:04:31,976
My main focus is our
cupcake business.
108
00:04:32,021 --> 00:04:33,311
We just opened a walk-up
window--
109
00:04:33,399 --> 00:04:35,649
Honey, honey,
I don't need to know your life.
110
00:04:36,110 --> 00:04:37,530
You don't need to know mine.
111
00:04:37,694 --> 00:04:39,154
Did my father put
a gun in his mouth
112
00:04:39,237 --> 00:04:40,607
at my seventh birthday party?
113
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:43,237
Yes, but I don't bring that to work.
114
00:04:44,201 --> 00:04:46,251
And I'm in love with you.
115
00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:48,121
Don't do that.
116
00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:49,868
Don't fall in love with me.
117
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:52,290
You know those gays
that don't like women?
118
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:53,959
I'm one of them.
119
00:04:54,043 --> 00:04:56,963
(CELL PHONE PLAYS
UP-TEMPO RINGTONE)
120
00:04:58,507 --> 00:05:00,587
Is that the theme song
from Sex and the City?
121
00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:02,679
You know it is.
122
00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:05,388
I'm a "Charlotte".
123
00:05:06,514 --> 00:05:07,814
So am I!
124
00:05:07,932 --> 00:05:09,102
There's not a lot of us.
125
00:05:09,268 --> 00:05:12,308
I'm all the dead girls
from American Horror Story.
126
00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:17,109
Well, let's get this train
on the tracks.
127
00:05:17,276 --> 00:05:19,026
Follow me, "Charlotte".
128
00:05:19,944 --> 00:05:21,994
I'm not giving up
on our cappuccino machine.
129
00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:24,453
I'm gonna work Han hard
until he gives it to me.
130
00:05:24,615 --> 00:05:26,485
And yes, I just heard
how that sounded.
131
00:05:27,201 --> 00:05:29,161
Okay, Luis,
here's how the tables work.
132
00:05:29,245 --> 00:05:30,865
We got the four-tops.
We got the two-tops.
133
00:05:30,913 --> 00:05:32,623
-Are you a top?
-Oh, please.
134
00:05:32,790 --> 00:05:36,250
No one is pushing this
25,000 dollar face into a pillow.
135
00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:40,883
Uh, I'm ready to order.
136
00:05:41,216 --> 00:05:43,086
Luis, why don't you
take that table?
137
00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:44,974
It's part of your training,
and I don't want to.
138
00:05:46,596 --> 00:05:48,216
Earl, that's the new day waiter.
139
00:05:48,264 --> 00:05:50,234
He's also the new gay waiter.
140
00:05:50,641 --> 00:05:52,481
Oh, I love the gays.
141
00:05:52,603 --> 00:05:53,983
They turned an old crack house
142
00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:56,692
in my neighborhood
into a cheese shop.
143
00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,568
I heard that cheese shop
has really good crack.
144
00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:02,824
What's the soup of the day?
145
00:06:03,654 --> 00:06:05,784
What does it say on the board?
146
00:06:06,408 --> 00:06:08,038
And you're trained.
147
00:06:08,826 --> 00:06:10,286
Max, Han said no,
148
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,250
and we need that cappuccino
maker for our shop
149
00:06:12,456 --> 00:06:15,126
if we're ever gonna compete
with the Starbucks around the corner.
150
00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:18,171
Or the other corner.
Or the other corner.
151
00:06:18,336 --> 00:06:20,876
Or the one that's currently
being built in my ass.
152
00:06:21,964 --> 00:06:24,554
What?
It's prime real estate.
153
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,298
Everything else
in Williamsburg is taken.
154
00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:29,682
Caroline, you need a
cappuccino machine?
155
00:06:29,764 --> 00:06:30,854
I can get you one cheap.
156
00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:31,892
I know a guy.
157
00:06:31,934 --> 00:06:33,194
And if you need clean urine
158
00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:35,688
or a micro pig,
I also know that guy.
159
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:39,770
Oh, my God.
Who was that?
160
00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:45,489
Oh, that's... That's Oleg.
He's the cook.
161
00:06:45,656 --> 00:06:48,316
He is gorgeous.
162
00:06:51,829 --> 00:06:52,949
I'm so excited.
163
00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:54,498
Our new machine
will be here any minute.
164
00:06:54,665 --> 00:06:57,285
Our lives are about to get
a lot more cappuccino-y.
165
00:06:57,459 --> 00:07:00,709
Or should I say a latte
more cappuccino-y?
166
00:07:00,879 --> 00:07:03,129
No, you should not
say any of that.
167
00:07:03,339 --> 00:07:06,469
And as for that "special price"
Oleg said he'd give us,
168
00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:10,099
in all my three-ways, I'm up
to bat first, and I don't kiss.
169
00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:14,024
(GROANS) During the day,
it is "Hot In Herre."
170
00:07:14,518 --> 00:07:16,808
Thanks for
the weather report, Ursher.
171
00:07:20,189 --> 00:07:21,149
Here it is.
172
00:07:21,233 --> 00:07:22,943
Shut the windows
and shut up.
173
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:26,740
Well, this is starting
exactly like I imagined.
174
00:07:26,904 --> 00:07:29,454
-Shut it!
-Oleg, where did you get this?
175
00:07:29,615 --> 00:07:31,405
Shut up!
176
00:07:31,576 --> 00:07:34,696
-Are those sirens?
-Shut up!
177
00:07:34,872 --> 00:07:36,462
Does it come with instructions?
178
00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:38,630
The instructions are to shut up.
179
00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:41,040
We don't want it if it's stolen.
180
00:07:41,211 --> 00:07:43,591
I still feel guilty about
shaking down that Redbox
181
00:07:43,629 --> 00:07:45,589
for, I Don't Know How She Does It.
182
00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:47,222
I did not steal it.
183
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:49,340
I knowingly bought it
from a man who stole it
184
00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:51,351
and I'm selling it at a profit.
185
00:07:51,512 --> 00:07:53,602
It's the Armenian way.
186
00:07:53,764 --> 00:07:55,024
You're not Armenian.
187
00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:58,103
I know, I'm just saying,
it's the Armenian way.
188
00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:01,562
It retails for $600,
189
00:08:01,732 --> 00:08:04,192
but I'll give it to you for free
if you do me a favor.
190
00:08:04,358 --> 00:08:05,648
Free?
191
00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:08,949
Ok, I guess Max can do you
in that closet over there.
192
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,450
What? Now that I see it,
I have to have it.
193
00:08:13,619 --> 00:08:17,039
All right, I've been saving
this pill for something.
194
00:08:17,206 --> 00:08:20,326
Talk to Sophie. See if she
wants to get back together.
195
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,340
But don't tell her I'm interested.
196
00:08:22,418 --> 00:08:23,498
Do it discreetly.
197
00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:27,875
Deal. And, Oleg, I'm touched
and a little surprised.
198
00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:31,010
I didn't know you knew
the word "discreetly".
199
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:34,097
Oh, yeah. I have a word-a-day
calendar near my bed
200
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:37,101
next to my big pump jar
of pineapple lube.
201
00:08:41,437 --> 00:08:44,187
For when you're horny and hungry.
202
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,030
Max, why'd you take it?
203
00:08:48,070 --> 00:08:49,320
You don't have to have sex with him.
204
00:08:49,488 --> 00:08:51,698
I know, I'm celebrating.
205
00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:58,369
Hey, I can't find any of
the instructions on here
206
00:08:58,455 --> 00:08:59,615
for our coffeemaker.
207
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:01,326
In fairness, I haven't been looking.
208
00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:04,920
I got sidetracked by this Buzzfeed
list of misspelled tattoos.
209
00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:08,554
This girl got, "You go grill"
on her neck.
210
00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:12,684
She must really like to cook outside.
211
00:09:14,303 --> 00:09:16,313
Did you put yourself in a time-out?
212
00:09:16,472 --> 00:09:19,142
No, I'm looking for Sophie.
She's not upstairs.
213
00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:22,225
Look, this is a long way to go
to get something for free.
214
00:09:22,270 --> 00:09:23,900
I was happy to walk into Sears
215
00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:26,228
and stuff a cappuccino
machine down my pants.
216
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:29,239
I'm not doing it for
the free cappuccino machine.
217
00:09:29,403 --> 00:09:33,163
I'm doing it for the money we'll make
from the free cappuccino machine.
218
00:09:33,948 --> 00:09:36,368
And maybe to help Oleg
and Sophie get back together.
219
00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:38,914
You know, it's a page out
of Shakespeare, and I'm Puck.
220
00:09:39,078 --> 00:09:41,078
Puck from The Real World?
221
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:44,840
Am I the only one
who's read a book?
222
00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:48,053
-(FAINT THUDDING)
-(GASPS) Oh, here she is.
223
00:09:48,087 --> 00:09:49,917
I'll do the talking.
It's kind of in my wheelhouse.
224
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:52,800
You have a wheelhouse,
and we're living in this dump?
225
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:55,507
-Morning, Sophie.
-Oh!
226
00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:57,181
(POLISH ACCENT) You caught me.
227
00:09:57,556 --> 00:09:59,386
I'm doing the walk of shame.
228
00:09:59,557 --> 00:10:01,307
You know what that means, right?
229
00:10:01,475 --> 00:10:04,725
I was having sex all night
with a stranger.
230
00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:07,150
I had sex with a guy all night once.
231
00:10:07,316 --> 00:10:10,066
At least that's what he said.
I fell asleep at 10:00.
232
00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:11,645
Sophie, come in.
233
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:13,236
We wanted to ask you
something kind of important.
234
00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:14,664
Oh, okay.
235
00:10:14,822 --> 00:10:16,952
Well, I'll tell you.
236
00:10:17,116 --> 00:10:20,946
I don't think you're gonna make it
in the cupcake business.
237
00:10:21,705 --> 00:10:25,535
Not what the psychic in the subway
told me, but duly noted.
238
00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:27,875
Actually, it's more
of a personal question.
239
00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:30,674
Oh, okay. Well, I personally
240
00:10:30,838 --> 00:10:33,218
don't think you're gonna make
it in the cupcake business.
241
00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:37,353
-No, the question is about Oleg.
-Oh, yeah, he agrees with me.
242
00:10:37,511 --> 00:10:39,681
God's sakes, just tell her
before she tells us
243
00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:41,734
we're gonna wind up
in some disgusting apartment
244
00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:43,307
hiding from our pimp.
245
00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:45,896
Okay, Okay, Sophie.
246
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:48,189
Do you ever think about getting
back together with Oleg?
247
00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:50,606
Oh, God, no.
248
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:53,735
I'd rather accidently
have sex again with my cousin.
249
00:10:55,529 --> 00:10:57,569
I hate when that happens.
250
00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:00,946
Why, did--
251
00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:02,619
Did he ask about me?
252
00:11:02,788 --> 00:11:04,158
Oh, no, no.
I was just wondering.
253
00:11:04,206 --> 00:11:05,656
He never even mentions you.
254
00:11:05,831 --> 00:11:09,881
Oh, good.
'Cause I moved on, baby.
255
00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:13,094
Oh, no. No, I--
256
00:11:13,255 --> 00:11:17,295
I left my Spanx
on that Staten Island stoop.
257
00:11:17,469 --> 00:11:18,469
And they're the good ones,
258
00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:20,102
you know,
with the pee hole in them.
259
00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:23,598
I gotta go grab 'em.
All right. Bye-bye.
260
00:11:30,981 --> 00:11:32,691
Okay, good. Now we've got
the power on,
261
00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,565
but how do we steam the milk?
262
00:11:34,735 --> 00:11:36,315
Maybe it's on this touchpad thing.
263
00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:38,874
-(STEAM HISSING)
-(SCREAMS) Holy Mother of God!
264
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,202
I just steamed my vagina.
265
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:45,619
Max, Caroline, your shift started
three minutes ago.
266
00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:49,168
Who cares about sidework?
I probably can't have children.
267
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:51,793
What is wrong with her?
268
00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:54,511
She just had her carpet
steam-cleaned.
269
00:11:59,009 --> 00:12:01,389
You two still haven't
figured out this machine?
270
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:02,854
Move away. I'm Asian and a man.
271
00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:04,141
I'm good with this kind of stuff.
272
00:12:04,182 --> 00:12:05,852
Well, Han, actually,
it's pretty dangerous--
273
00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:08,562
Hey, Han's a man,
according to recent lore.
274
00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:10,860
Let him save the day.
275
00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:11,982
Okay, let's see.
276
00:12:12,023 --> 00:12:14,403
Here's the steam one.
And here's the button for--
277
00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:17,025
-(STEAM HISSING)
-(SCREAMS)
278
00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:19,783
My neck! It burned my neck!
279
00:12:19,947 --> 00:12:22,367
And that was my best feature.
280
00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:24,201
Luckily you're not taller.
281
00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:25,866
You would've burned your vagina.
282
00:12:28,623 --> 00:12:29,883
That cappuccino machine
283
00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:32,537
might have just given me
a grande hysterectomy.
284
00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:35,751
Caroline, I know this
might not be a good time.
285
00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:38,302
I heard about your recent clambake.
286
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:46,309
But what did Sophie say?
287
00:12:46,892 --> 00:12:48,982
I'm sorry, Oleg.
Sophie's moved on.
288
00:12:49,019 --> 00:12:50,269
She's seeing other men.
289
00:12:50,352 --> 00:12:51,772
Yeah, but not
in your neighborhood.
290
00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:52,805
She's classy.
291
00:12:52,855 --> 00:12:55,645
She had the decency to do it
on a stoop in Staten Island.
292
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,699
She went to the Island without me?
293
00:12:59,528 --> 00:13:02,158
We were going to travel
the world together.
294
00:13:04,618 --> 00:13:05,618
Oleg?
295
00:13:05,784 --> 00:13:06,954
Oleg, are you crying?
296
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:10,500
No, I have a booger situation.
297
00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:14,713
Says the man
who cooks the food.
298
00:13:17,087 --> 00:13:19,877
Hey, what's this area back there?
299
00:13:20,049 --> 00:13:21,719
Uh, it's our closet, why?
300
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:23,474
I should check it out.
301
00:13:23,552 --> 00:13:27,602
I'm always looking for places to have
sex with women who are not Sophie.
302
00:13:27,682 --> 00:13:29,142
(SOBBING)
303
00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:33,611
Is Oleg in here?
I thought I smelled him.
304
00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:37,017
That delicious mix of man and butter.
305
00:13:39,778 --> 00:13:41,148
Oleg's in the closet.
306
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,701
Oh, honey,
I could've told you that.
307
00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:48,578
Really, Luis, Oleg is straight.
308
00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:49,745
Wait 'til you see what happens
309
00:13:49,828 --> 00:13:52,288
when I place an order
for a bone-in rib eye.
310
00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:55,205
It's true. He shows us
his penis every--
311
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:58,995
Ah-ah-ah, boundaries, girls,
boundaries.
312
00:13:59,838 --> 00:14:01,718
So is it a nice one?
313
00:14:04,427 --> 00:14:06,217
Well, it did open a door
for me once.
314
00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:10,889
Hey Luis,
maybe you can help us.
315
00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:12,143
Since you're a lifer, you have to
know how to
316
00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:14,354
-work this thing.
-No, no, no, I work for a diner.
317
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,730
I don't work for you.
Don't bring me into your drama.
318
00:14:16,855 --> 00:14:19,355
(CELL PHONE RINGTONE PLAYS)
319
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:22,489
Oh, I have to get this.
It's my mother. She's on death watch.
320
00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:25,243
But we used to have the same machine
when I worked at Starbucks.
321
00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:27,277
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
322
00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:31,624
No, I am not working at Starbucks.
323
00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:33,908
That's not what I was gonna say.
324
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:36,420
Just for two hours.
325
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,960
We can quit after we learn how
to work this damn machine.
326
00:14:39,004 --> 00:14:40,754
Hey, I am not a quitter.
327
00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:42,972
I get fired.
That's my wheelhouse.
328
00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:47,892
I can't believe
we got hired so quickly.
329
00:14:48,053 --> 00:14:51,063
And I can't believe
I'm a medium apron.
330
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:54,444
And I can't believe I'm working
for a corporate coffee place.
331
00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:56,232
This might be the
lowest point of my life,
332
00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:59,980
and my mom once lost me
in a craps game behind a casino.
333
00:15:01,942 --> 00:15:03,532
Hi, we're here to be trained.
334
00:15:03,695 --> 00:15:06,315
I know.
That's unfortunate.
335
00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:09,079
-My name's Devon.
-Well, that's unfortunate.
336
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:11,333
Let's get this over with.
337
00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:13,370
I have a lot of other places
I need to be.
338
00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:14,785
Like your mom's basement?
339
00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:17,423
Hey, you don't have
to give me attitude.
340
00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,713
I don't have to,
but it's my pleasure.
341
00:15:19,878 --> 00:15:21,878
Sorry, Devon,
It's just that it's hard for her
342
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,511
'cause your name is Devon.
343
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,973
So what are you girls?
Writers?
344
00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:28,554
Folk duo? Just bitches?
345
00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:31,559
Nailed it, loser.
346
00:15:31,889 --> 00:15:32,929
Max, pace yourself.
347
00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:35,024
We need this job for another
hour and 50 minutes.
348
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:37,100
Okay, but for real,
how long do you gotta work here
349
00:15:37,187 --> 00:15:38,557
before the health
insurance kicks in?
350
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:39,475
And is there dental?
351
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,732
'Cause I got a dead tooth
doing nothing for me.
352
00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:44,490
The insurance kicks in
after 30 days.
353
00:15:44,568 --> 00:15:46,488
But it's a PPO, not an HMO.
354
00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:48,324
Oh, we just got an HMO
at our other job.
355
00:15:48,405 --> 00:15:49,945
He's a Charlotte.
356
00:15:50,325 --> 00:15:52,235
Okay, here we go.
357
00:15:52,409 --> 00:15:54,659
Look, this is the machine
we use for everything.
358
00:15:54,828 --> 00:15:56,958
It's incredibly easy to work
unless you're stupid,
359
00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:58,288
in which case, tell me now.
360
00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:00,167
Devon, we're not your
mean stepdad.
361
00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:02,710
Just show us how
to use the machine.
362
00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:06,467
Listen up. Unlatch the portafilter
from the group head.
363
00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,183
Press here for an ounce of grounds.
364
00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:10,259
Tamp it in, pack it down,
turn it on.
365
00:16:10,427 --> 00:16:11,847
I didn't get that, did you?
366
00:16:12,013 --> 00:16:14,393
Honestly, all I heard
was "group head".
367
00:16:14,890 --> 00:16:16,430
So you tamp, pack,
turn the knob,
368
00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:18,685
wait three, blast for 30,
then you pour the shot.
369
00:16:18,727 --> 00:16:20,357
Place the steam wand
halfway in the pitcher
370
00:16:20,397 --> 00:16:23,397
at a 45-degree angle until
the milk is 103 degrees.
371
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:26,279
So what you're saying
is it's easier to make meth?
372
00:16:27,236 --> 00:16:30,066
Syrups, powders,
whipped cream is right here.
373
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:31,320
You ever work with one of these?
374
00:16:31,408 --> 00:16:33,278
I think I can handle it.
I went to Wharton.
375
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,576
-Well, I went to Harvard.
-And I went to juvie.
376
00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:38,205
And we're all here
wearing an apron.
377
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,917
A grande double cap, non-fat.
378
00:16:43,086 --> 00:16:44,626
Grande double cap, non-fat.
379
00:16:45,046 --> 00:16:46,966
(MEOWING NONSENSICALLY)
380
00:16:47,215 --> 00:16:49,125
A venti triple cap, no whip.
381
00:16:49,299 --> 00:16:50,719
Venti triple cap, no whip.
382
00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:52,797
(CONTINUES MEOWING)
383
00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:55,469
Grande double soy latte.
384
00:16:55,639 --> 00:16:57,349
Grande double soy latte.
Got it, Max?
385
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:58,637
Nope.
386
00:16:59,644 --> 00:17:03,484
-Where's those drinks, Max?
-Working on it, getting close.
387
00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:08,187
And I finished all over myself.
388
00:17:09,153 --> 00:17:10,613
That's so me.
389
00:17:10,779 --> 00:17:12,529
Come on, Max,
it can't be that hard.
390
00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:15,409
You two, switch.
I gotta put out more napkins.
391
00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:17,236
That women's breakup
support group is here,
392
00:17:17,327 --> 00:17:18,997
and they tap us out.
393
00:17:19,122 --> 00:17:20,252
Think they're crying now?
394
00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:22,499
Just wait 'til we
run out of cake pops.
395
00:17:24,335 --> 00:17:26,455
I'll have a tall cap,
triple-shot half caf.
396
00:17:26,503 --> 00:17:28,963
Small scrap nipple slap half-half.
397
00:17:32,509 --> 00:17:33,679
That's not what I said.
398
00:17:33,845 --> 00:17:35,555
Tall cap triple-shot half caf?
399
00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:38,471
Girl, you're good at this.
You should work at Starbucks.
400
00:17:39,017 --> 00:17:41,057
I am good.
I think I'm getting the hang of this.
401
00:17:41,144 --> 00:17:43,234
-Now I just have to-- (SCREAMS)
-(STEAM HISSING)
402
00:17:43,438 --> 00:17:44,728
Holy Mother of... Ouch!
403
00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:48,357
This thing hates women so much,
we should call it Texas.
404
00:17:53,490 --> 00:17:55,410
Or Ohio.
405
00:17:55,991 --> 00:17:57,951
Or, to be honest,
most of America.
406
00:17:59,287 --> 00:18:00,997
I'll have a tall drip, extra hot.
407
00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:04,249
-Uh, what's your name?
-Gregg, with three "g"'s.
408
00:18:04,459 --> 00:18:07,049
Yeah, you're gonna be
this picture of a penis.
409
00:18:12,383 --> 00:18:13,513
That's rude.
410
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,638
Now it has a hat on it.
411
00:18:17,305 --> 00:18:19,425
It's saying, "good day."
412
00:18:19,598 --> 00:18:21,178
Do you want me to talk
to your manager?
413
00:18:21,351 --> 00:18:23,481
Yeah, in about 20 minutes,
after she learns this machine.
414
00:18:26,564 --> 00:18:27,574
Hi.
415
00:18:27,731 --> 00:18:31,441
I'll take a non-fat
venti drip for Vera.
416
00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:34,821
And a tall latte for Fran.
417
00:18:34,864 --> 00:18:38,284
And a gingerbread latte
with 11 Splendas.
418
00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:41,120
Can you two explain what this is?
419
00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:44,623
-I'd say it's pretty obvious.
-That's a penis wearing a hat.
420
00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:46,710
Why?
421
00:18:46,875 --> 00:18:49,795
Because it's bald
and a little insecure.
422
00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:54,298
-Dudes, you're, like, fired.
-Come on, Devon.
423
00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:56,642
We just need 20 more minutes
to learn that machine.
424
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:58,262
-Please?
-No.
425
00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:00,387
Return your aprons and caps.
426
00:19:00,557 --> 00:19:04,267
And do not even think about
putting sandwiches in your pockets.
427
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:05,730
What?
428
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,229
A girl can't get a morning bun?
429
00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:10,437
No and no.
430
00:19:10,567 --> 00:19:13,277
And take this crappuccino
you made with you.
431
00:19:16,655 --> 00:19:18,695
Oh, yeah, that is not quite right.
432
00:19:19,491 --> 00:19:21,491
And it hit my dead tooth.
433
00:19:27,250 --> 00:19:29,590
-How you doing with that milk?
-Great.
434
00:19:29,751 --> 00:19:32,171
Mine's more whipped
than Nick Cannon.
435
00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:35,423
Hola, chicas. How's it going
with your new machine?
436
00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:38,013
Not that I care
or am invested at all.
437
00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:41,347
Oh, I think mine's coming.
I think mine's coming.
438
00:19:42,472 --> 00:19:44,272
You don't even know
if you're coming or not?
439
00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:45,888
That's so you.
440
00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:48,150
Have you seen Oleg?
441
00:19:48,313 --> 00:19:50,733
No, not since
he came out of the closet.
442
00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:54,028
-Why are you looking for him?
-How is this your business?
443
00:19:54,192 --> 00:19:56,612
Because you said,
"Have you seen Oleg?"
444
00:19:56,778 --> 00:19:59,868
You got me.
Look at you.
445
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:02,622
So much spice, so much pain.
446
00:20:03,118 --> 00:20:04,578
You got me.
447
00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:06,076
Hey, everybody.
448
00:20:06,247 --> 00:20:10,287
Hola, Oleg, and Oleg's sister?
449
00:20:11,294 --> 00:20:13,254
This is Sasha.
We met last night.
450
00:20:13,296 --> 00:20:15,336
And a few times this morning.
451
00:20:15,506 --> 00:20:17,416
-But do me a favor.
-Don't tell Sophie about this?
452
00:20:17,592 --> 00:20:20,182
No, do tell her.
I've moved on.
453
00:20:20,345 --> 00:20:22,215
I filled that hole she left.
454
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,560
Come on, let's get you back
to your uncle's house
455
00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:26,558
before he wakes up.
456
00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,904
Oh, it happens to a lot of gays.
457
00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:33,023
They come out, they freak out,
they go back in.
458
00:20:33,106 --> 00:20:34,646
But I see him.
459
00:20:35,526 --> 00:20:37,566
And I'll be here until he sees me.
460
00:20:37,694 --> 00:20:39,704
(CELL PHONE RINGTONE PLAYS)
461
00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:41,485
Hola, mami.
462
00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:44,577
Uh-oh. Charlotte's headed for a fall.
463
00:20:45,662 --> 00:20:47,832
I did it.
I made a perfect cappuccino.
464
00:20:47,872 --> 00:20:50,462
Seventy-five percent of my body
is burned, but I did it.
465
00:20:51,875 --> 00:20:53,085
So how is it?
466
00:20:53,836 --> 00:20:55,506
We are so putting the small scrap
467
00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:57,296
nipple slap half-half on the menu.
468
00:21:01,176 --> 00:21:03,006
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
469
00:21:26,285 --> 00:21:28,285
(English US - SDH)
470
00:21:28,335 --> 00:21:32,885
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