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1
00:00:00,501 --> 00:00:02,041
(OLEG MOANING)
2
00:00:02,210 --> 00:00:05,050
OLEG:
Oh, yeah, baby take it all.
3
00:00:05,214 --> 00:00:06,554
SOPHIE:
Oh, no, you take it, baby.
4
00:00:06,716 --> 00:00:09,256
OLEG:
No, baby, you take it all.
5
00:00:09,426 --> 00:00:12,346
SOPHIE: Oh, no, take it, baby.
OLEG: No, baby, you take it.
6
00:00:12,512 --> 00:00:16,182
Dear God, will one of you just
take it and get it over with!
7
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:20,060
Max! There is no way you could be
sleeping through Oleg and Sophie.
8
00:00:20,228 --> 00:00:22,728
(SOPHIE & OLEG MOANING)
9
00:00:24,984 --> 00:00:26,154
Does that actually work?
10
00:00:26,318 --> 00:00:29,448
It does. With a little help from this.
11
00:00:29,612 --> 00:00:31,572
Give me.
12
00:00:32,450 --> 00:00:36,290
Whoo! I was hoping that would be fruitier.
13
00:00:36,454 --> 00:00:38,754
I mean, they're here. They're there.
14
00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:40,124
Then they're here again.
15
00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:42,670
It's like we're a village under attack.
16
00:00:42,835 --> 00:00:46,545
Yup, just a matter of time
till someone sends in a drone.
17
00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:51,930
And it's not just that moaning. I think I
heard a big ball rolling around up there.
18
00:00:52,094 --> 00:00:55,684
If a ball is rolling around up there,
Oleg should stop and see a doctor.
19
00:00:56,932 --> 00:01:00,692
OLEG: Give it girl, give it girl, give me.
-This couldn't be any more intrusive.
20
00:01:00,853 --> 00:01:02,693
(CAROLINE SHRIEKS)
21
00:01:06,358 --> 00:01:08,228
SOPHIE:
Uh-oh.
22
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,160
OLEG:
Sorry about that.
23
00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:16,282
CAROLINE:
A bowling ball?
24
00:01:16,451 --> 00:01:18,831
And why do they need a bowling ball?
25
00:01:18,995 --> 00:01:21,325
Maybe they ran out of holes.
26
00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:24,627
Have you guys seen a ball?
27
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:38,720
(BELL RINGS)
28
00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:41,600
Pick up, Max. And sorry
about the hole in your ceiling.
29
00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:44,769
Oleg, I'm not gonna ask you
to keep it in your pants anymore...
30
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:47,608
...but could you keep it
in your apartment?
31
00:01:51,152 --> 00:01:53,702
-Oh, hey, Sophie.
-Hey, Max.
32
00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:56,534
Oh, spring is in the air.
33
00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:59,950
This is the time of year in Poland
when the snow would melt...
34
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:03,830
...and all our dead relatives
would float back to us.
35
00:02:04,834 --> 00:02:07,094
I've never been to Europe,
but it sounds beautiful.
36
00:02:07,253 --> 00:02:08,843
SOPHIE:
Mm.
37
00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:13,426
Max, where is Caroline? And don't tell me
she's in the ladies' room.
38
00:02:13,592 --> 00:02:17,182
Because I already peeked under
all those stalls. She wasn't there.
39
00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:20,010
But I saw things.
40
00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:25,060
Well, congratulations
on finally seeing those things.
41
00:02:26,354 --> 00:02:29,324
She's 20 minutes late,
and as the boss, I will not have it.
42
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:32,863
Wow, someone woke up
on the wrong side of his crib.
43
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:36,905
You're late. This is unacceptable.
44
00:02:37,074 --> 00:02:41,704
Don't mind him, he just saw
his first vagina and he's furious.
45
00:02:43,329 --> 00:02:44,459
Okay, here's the thing.
46
00:02:44,622 --> 00:02:48,592
I had to take a nap because Oleg
and Sophie were having sex all night long.
47
00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:52,052
Not true. We took a break
to watch a porno.
48
00:02:53,299 --> 00:02:56,379
Punctuality is the number one rule
in my employee handbook...
49
00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:59,101
...which I've adorably named
"The Han-book."
50
00:02:59,263 --> 00:03:02,813
Relax, Han. Nobody's gonna die
if I'm not here to drop off a tuna melt.
51
00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:06,234
In fact, they're more likely to die
if I do drop it off.
52
00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:08,015
Late and with an attitude.
53
00:03:08,187 --> 00:03:10,057
You think you're too good
for the diner?
54
00:03:10,231 --> 00:03:12,031
Of course she thinks that.
55
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:15,112
I think sourdough bread
is too good for this diner.
56
00:03:15,778 --> 00:03:18,278
Well, what other career option
do you have, Caroline?
57
00:03:18,449 --> 00:03:19,869
Hmm. Let's see. Cupcakes?
58
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:22,083
No, wait, your shop
didn't last six months.
59
00:03:22,243 --> 00:03:25,833
-Don't go there, Han.
-Oh, I'm already there and now I'm back.
60
00:03:27,081 --> 00:03:30,541
Why so moody, Han?
Are you man-struating?
61
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:33,341
Is it that time of the man-th?
62
00:03:34,632 --> 00:03:38,512
That shop was our dream, Han.
And this is just a dumb diner.
63
00:03:39,260 --> 00:03:41,680
-You're fired.
-Ooh! I'm fired?
64
00:03:41,847 --> 00:03:43,807
Max, Han just fired me.
65
00:03:43,973 --> 00:03:46,443
-You lucky son of a whore.
-Heh.
66
00:03:46,602 --> 00:03:49,312
I'm serious, Caroline.
You called my diner dumb.
67
00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:51,649
Well, my diner
is still open and successful...
68
00:03:51,814 --> 00:03:54,154
...whereas your cupcake shop
was so dumb it failed.
69
00:03:54,317 --> 00:03:56,647
Ooh! He did not go there.
70
00:03:56,819 --> 00:04:00,239
I went there and then I came back
and then I went there again.
71
00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:03,371
You know what? I don't need this.
72
00:04:03,534 --> 00:04:06,544
Well, actually, you do kind of need this
because we broke.
73
00:04:06,705 --> 00:04:10,825
Broke or not, I don't have
to stand here and take this. I quit.
74
00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,251
Oh, really? You quit?
75
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:15,969
You must be dumber than my diner
because I already fired you.
76
00:04:16,632 --> 00:04:21,262
Han, I know you've had it up to here,
but you need to relax.
77
00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,437
Can you believe Han fired me?
78
00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:34,515
I mean, where does he get off?
79
00:04:34,692 --> 00:04:37,612
Probably in Buffy the Vampire Slayer
chat rooms.
80
00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:41,824
Have you been standing here
this whole time?
81
00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:44,700
I didn't even pee.
I was afraid I'd miss you. So hold on.
82
00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:50,374
So basically, you had the same day
as a puppy?
83
00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:52,000
CAROLINE:
Han is lucky I work there.
84
00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:54,877
I bring class and sophistication
to that place.
85
00:04:55,045 --> 00:04:56,335
(TOILET FLUSHES)
86
00:04:56,504 --> 00:04:59,174
There's no toilet paper
and I just used the last coffee filter.
87
00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:04,011
You are sophisticating the hell
out of that toilet right now.
88
00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,010
And you know what?
89
00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:11,270
You can tell Han that the only way I am ever
going back there is if he apologizes.
90
00:05:11,437 --> 00:05:13,607
Okay, but first he wanted me
to tell you this.
91
00:05:13,771 --> 00:05:17,151
The only way you're ever going back there
is if you apologize.
92
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:19,647
Well, an apology from me
is not happening.
93
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:21,779
(OLEG MOANING)
94
00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:24,367
OLEG:
Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, take it all.
95
00:05:24,533 --> 00:05:26,293
SOPHIE:
Oh, no, you take it, baby.
96
00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:27,621
OLEG:
Oh, baby, you take it.
97
00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:30,406
And that is not happening
again tonight either.
98
00:05:36,295 --> 00:05:39,205
Again? That could've hit us.
99
00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:42,340
Now, that's unsafe sex.
100
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:48,597
I think it's pretty neighborly of us
to return someone's sex-bowling ball.
101
00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:51,057
You know we have
to bury those mitts now.
102
00:05:51,225 --> 00:05:53,845
We have to tell them
to stop whatever they're doing.
103
00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:56,771
Probably a 7-10 split.
104
00:05:59,108 --> 00:06:00,778
And now they're not making noise.
105
00:06:00,944 --> 00:06:04,664
It's like when you go to the zoo
and the lion goes inside.
106
00:06:04,947 --> 00:06:09,447
It's Max and Caroline.
Your ball came into our yard again.
107
00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:14,038
Hi. Yeah, it's not a good time.
108
00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:17,538
We're role playing,
and, obviously, I'm Beyoncé.
109
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,131
Yeah.
110
00:06:19,295 --> 00:06:21,755
(HUMMING "SINGLE LADIES")
111
00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:24,223
Hey, Jay-Z.
112
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:26,894
Look at all the single ladies.
113
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:28,353
Oh, yeah, baby.
114
00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:30,144
Jay-Z and I have a lot in common.
115
00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:34,597
He bought the Brooklyn Nets.
I bought my hairnets in Brooklyn.
116
00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:37,519
I'm not surprised
that you're Jay-Z and Beyoncé...
117
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:41,029
...but I am kind of surprised
that they bowl.
118
00:06:41,192 --> 00:06:42,402
Where should I put this?
119
00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:44,609
Well, I'll tell you what I told him.
120
00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:46,489
Put it anywhere you want.
121
00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:53,540
(BALL THUDS)
122
00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:57,582
So that's basically our ball at this point.
123
00:06:57,750 --> 00:07:01,880
Look, you two may be crazy in love,
but your love is driving us crazy.
124
00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:03,627
(LAUGHS)
125
00:07:03,798 --> 00:07:05,588
Crazy in love?
126
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:08,299
Oh, come on. We're not in love.
127
00:07:08,470 --> 00:07:11,100
Oleg and I are just shtup buddies.
128
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:14,354
Shtup buddies?
I wouldn't say that's all we are.
129
00:07:14,518 --> 00:07:19,728
Oh, no, you're right.
Uh, we also share a CVS points reward card.
130
00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:24,194
Is it really a reward
if it comes from CVS?
131
00:07:24,694 --> 00:07:27,164
Can't you two ever do it
over at Oleg's apartment?
132
00:07:27,322 --> 00:07:29,572
Or are all the lanes reserved?
133
00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:32,120
Well, I have no idea where he lives.
134
00:07:32,286 --> 00:07:34,576
Wait, you've never been
to Oleg's apartment?
135
00:07:34,745 --> 00:07:37,035
No, with my busy work schedule...
136
00:07:37,206 --> 00:07:40,876
...I don't have the time to get the battery
of shots that I would need.
137
00:07:41,043 --> 00:07:42,713
Hey, hey, hey.
138
00:07:42,879 --> 00:07:45,219
You'd be surprised
by my apartment, Sophie.
139
00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:49,892
It's more than just a place
the quadruple orgasm was born.
140
00:07:50,721 --> 00:07:53,221
Yeah, well, that sounds nice.
141
00:07:53,389 --> 00:07:57,019
Oh, yes. A Beyo-- Uh-oh.
142
00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:01,148
Uh, Beyoncé's hair just fell out.
143
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:04,194
I gotta go get my hot glue gun.
144
00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:07,395
(HUMMING "SINGLE LADIES")
145
00:08:10,199 --> 00:08:13,409
Girls, I may have oversold my apartment.
146
00:08:13,951 --> 00:08:16,581
What? By saying she won't need
to get shots?
147
00:08:16,747 --> 00:08:18,367
Yes.
148
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:21,495
Maybe you two could help me
fix it up a little.
149
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:23,128
Give it a feminine touch.
150
00:08:23,295 --> 00:08:24,915
Well, I'm out.
151
00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:27,798
You know what? I'll do it.
I'm very recently out of work.
152
00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:30,836
-Gonna charge you.
-If you didn't, you'd be the only girl...
153
00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:33,511
...who went to his apartment
without getting paid.
154
00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:35,009
You got a deal.
155
00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:41,653
Oleg's apartment's this way.
I can smell the Axe body spray.
156
00:08:41,812 --> 00:08:44,572
I'll throw a couple pillows around,
and we'll be gone.
157
00:08:44,732 --> 00:08:46,902
Can't believe I'm walking
to Oleg's apartment.
158
00:08:47,068 --> 00:08:50,778
I always thought I'd be dragged here
unconscious with tape over my mouth.
159
00:08:52,490 --> 00:08:53,660
Afternoon, ladies.
160
00:08:53,825 --> 00:08:55,785
This is where the magic happens.
161
00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:59,502
Well, I'm sure you've made
some women disappear here.
162
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,342
Okay.
163
00:09:04,168 --> 00:09:08,548
Just off the top of my head, I think
we're gonna need a couple more pillows.
164
00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:14,221
If you keep your apartment like this,
do you get to pay 1980s rent prices?
165
00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:16,718
You haven't even seen
the best part yet. Look.
166
00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:20,059
(FUNKY MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
167
00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:23,306
Going up the stairway to heaven, baby.
168
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,610
Oh. Oh, yeah.
169
00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:28,824
There it is. That's my bed.
170
00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:32,145
Where are we? Studio 69?
171
00:09:32,322 --> 00:09:34,242
That's 1500 tracer bulbs.
172
00:09:34,408 --> 00:09:38,828
I tore most of them out of the new
Cineplex 14 in Queens.
173
00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:41,373
First of all, I am smelling something...
174
00:09:41,539 --> 00:09:44,959
...that can only be described
as anti-antiperspirant.
175
00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:46,536
And, secondly...
176
00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:47,841
(MUSIC STOPS)
177
00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:49,804
...no woman wants to walk into this.
178
00:09:49,965 --> 00:09:53,295
According to this, 685 already have.
179
00:09:53,467 --> 00:09:55,097
Actually, it's 1685.
180
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:58,261
After a thousand the counter resets.
181
00:09:58,432 --> 00:10:02,022
If you don't want Sophie to feel
like she's next in line at the DMV--
182
00:10:02,184 --> 00:10:04,654
More like the STDMV.
183
00:10:04,812 --> 00:10:07,362
--then we have a lot of work to do.
184
00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:09,484
Okay. Make it look romantic.
185
00:10:09,650 --> 00:10:11,950
When she comes in,
I want her to feel special...
186
00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:15,531
...like she's the only woman
that's ever been here today.
187
00:10:16,158 --> 00:10:19,038
Let's sit down and talk about this.
188
00:10:19,201 --> 00:10:21,661
Oh, my God, Max, is she dead?
189
00:10:22,456 --> 00:10:24,366
No, she's Alexis.
190
00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:27,381
You have one of those
anatomically correct Real Dolls.
191
00:10:27,543 --> 00:10:31,923
It's rare to see one without a short fat man
standing next to it with a button penis.
192
00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:35,300
They sell for $6,000,
but I got her for half off.
193
00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:37,299
She was previously loved.
194
00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:40,886
-Max, you are not doing that.
-The hell I'm not.
195
00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:45,187
This is my one chance to see a woman
naked without having to spoon her after.
196
00:10:46,605 --> 00:10:48,145
Respect.
197
00:10:49,106 --> 00:10:52,436
Well, you've made a lot
of strong choices here...
198
00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:55,110
...but I'm not sure
they're all working together.
199
00:10:55,279 --> 00:10:58,489
For example, that sex swing
is fighting the goat.
200
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:01,328
Why don't we start by you getting us
some rubber gloves?
201
00:11:01,495 --> 00:11:04,705
Lots of them and the strongest bleach
and soap products you can find.
202
00:11:04,873 --> 00:11:08,673
Oh. And a hazmat suit. Don't worry
about the size. I can belt it.
203
00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,915
But you're gonna keep my good stuff,
right?
204
00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:13,877
If I see any, I'll consider it. Go.
205
00:11:14,048 --> 00:11:16,378
What are you going to do with Alexis?
206
00:11:16,551 --> 00:11:19,471
Rehab and then a women's shelter
in Montana. Go.
207
00:11:20,514 --> 00:11:23,774
-I've got a lot of work to do.
-But first.
208
00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:27,023
(FUNKY MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
209
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:30,817
Can't not do it. Can't not do it.
210
00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:35,527
Can you please turn that off, Max?
I'm starting to feel a little dizzy.
211
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:36,945
(MUSIC STOPS)
212
00:11:37,114 --> 00:11:39,374
I can't fall on the floor
because I might stick to it.
213
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,203
You don't have to do this.
214
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:45,998
Just call Han and apologize and we can get
out of here before the syphilis sets in.
215
00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:48,633
No, he said some really hurtful things
to me.
216
00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:52,922
And I'd rather stay here and work for Oleg
and Alexis. At least I'll have my dignity.
217
00:11:53,087 --> 00:11:57,547
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
to go climb the sperm-ship Enterprise.
218
00:11:57,716 --> 00:12:00,506
Let me just get these curtains open
so I can see better.
219
00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:03,598
Seeing better? Is that the way to go?
220
00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:07,732
Oh! I'm walking on a water bed.
221
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:10,767
This is harder than it looks.
222
00:12:10,938 --> 00:12:13,478
How many times has that been said
on this bed?
223
00:12:15,192 --> 00:12:17,362
Oh, my heel. Whoo!
224
00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:19,068
(SCREAMING)
225
00:12:20,823 --> 00:12:22,243
(COUGHING)
226
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:25,698
I swallowed. I accidentally swallowed.
227
00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:28,620
You know that's been said.
228
00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:36,969
Max, we got a problem. See that girl?
229
00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:41,506
Oh, the usual drill? You hold her arms
and I punch her till she tips 20 percent?
230
00:12:41,677 --> 00:12:45,217
As much as I enjoy that
when we do it, no.
231
00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:48,229
She's here to apply for Caroline's job.
232
00:12:48,393 --> 00:12:51,563
What? Han's really going through
with this?
233
00:12:51,730 --> 00:12:55,440
I thought it was all talk,
like when a Chihuahua barks at a big dog.
234
00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:57,399
Me too. I thought it would blow over.
235
00:12:57,568 --> 00:12:59,738
You know, like Han did
in the wind that time?
236
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:03,074
-But no, he is serious.
-No way. I got this.
237
00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:08,333
Hi, is that your resume?
Let's take a little look-see.
238
00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:13,126
-Uh-huh. Oh, you worked there? Cool.
-Yep. I'm a very hard worker.
239
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:16,923
Good. Can you block a punch?
Because the owner hits us.
240
00:13:17,087 --> 00:13:19,757
He broke my femur.
I complained, he broke the other one.
241
00:13:19,924 --> 00:13:22,184
Run before he sees me talking to you.
242
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:25,299
Earl, I gotta get Han and Caroline
to make up.
243
00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:28,771
I don't have access to the pills I need
to keep working without her.
244
00:13:28,933 --> 00:13:31,693
-Any advice or pills?
-Well, let's see.
245
00:13:31,852 --> 00:13:33,692
We are kind of like a family here...
246
00:13:33,855 --> 00:13:37,645
...except I can see you unsupervised
on the weekend.
247
00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:41,990
And you didn't use my college fund
to buy a married man a Corvette.
248
00:13:43,114 --> 00:13:45,664
And in my family,
when my kids would fight...
249
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:49,325
...I tried to get them to talk to each other,
because honesty is key.
250
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:52,155
But if that didn't work,
I'd lie to their faces.
251
00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:56,501
Lock them in their room and tell them
that the other one had three weeks to live.
252
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:59,049
You know, what used to be known
as good parenting.
253
00:14:00,381 --> 00:14:05,011
Max, I've got 12 overqualified candidates
coming in for the waitress position today.
254
00:14:05,177 --> 00:14:07,557
Thank you, crumbling economy.
255
00:14:08,472 --> 00:14:12,432
You know, Han, here at this diner
we're kind of like a little family and....
256
00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:16,151
Oh, I can't do this. Caroline has three weeks
left to live. I'm serious.
257
00:14:16,313 --> 00:14:19,323
She drank Oleg's water bed.
It's just a matter of time.
258
00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:22,074
Nice try, Max.
I'm not going to give her back her job.
259
00:14:22,236 --> 00:14:25,196
She should've checked herself
before she wrecked herself.
260
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:28,075
Come on. Hire her back.
Be the bigger man.
261
00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:31,583
And note, I did not make a short joke,
because this is important.
262
00:14:31,745 --> 00:14:35,455
And also because I'm still working
on something with Peter Dinklage's name.
263
00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,665
No way, Max. I am holding firm.
264
00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:40,801
You know, firm Han is kind of hot.
265
00:14:41,423 --> 00:14:43,633
-He is?
-Yeah. I'm kind of feeling firm Han.
266
00:14:43,799 --> 00:14:47,969
I have no interest in feeling the firm part,
but I'll hang out with the rest.
267
00:14:48,138 --> 00:14:51,428
You want to hang out with me?
I'm free Mondays through Fridays...
268
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:55,310
...mornings and evenings
and my weekends are wide open.
269
00:14:55,477 --> 00:14:58,187
-I may have a wedding to go to in June but--
-Breathe.
270
00:14:58,355 --> 00:15:00,605
Come over tomorrow.
Caroline will be at Oleg's.
271
00:15:00,774 --> 00:15:02,574
We can get stoned and watch a movie.
272
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:06,615
The last time I was stoned
was from a contact high I got at a concert.
273
00:15:07,698 --> 00:15:10,868
Well, those Wiggle shows do get crazy.
274
00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:18,753
Look at us, Max. Hanging outside the work
at your place like a couple of homies.
275
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,338
Yeah, where is my homie?
276
00:15:20,503 --> 00:15:21,553
(SNIFFS)
277
00:15:21,712 --> 00:15:24,592
Oh, it's this way.
I can smell the Axe body spray.
278
00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:26,756
Now, what movie should we watch?
279
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:33,556
I brought Shrek , Shrek 2 , Shrek 3 , Shrek 3D
and that Cameron Diaz cancer movie.
280
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:37,190
Is there one where Shrek has cancer?
281
00:15:38,812 --> 00:15:44,402
Wow! This is completely--
The same place I always live at.
282
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:46,450
Max, it's so pretty.
283
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:50,783
I thought your place would have furniture
made out of razor blades or something.
284
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:53,580
I wish. That sounds bitching.
285
00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:57,707
-What are you guys doing here?
-What is Caroline doing here?
286
00:15:57,874 --> 00:16:01,044
-You said she was going to be at Oleg's.
-I am at Oleg's.
287
00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:03,131
You guys live with Oleg?
288
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:05,586
You told him this was our apartment?
289
00:16:05,756 --> 00:16:10,466
As a wise person once told me, "Sometimes
you gotta lie to keep your family together."
290
00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:13,346
Not letting anyone leave
until you talk to each other.
291
00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:16,984
I don't understand.
Are we not smoking weed?
292
00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:21,614
Oh, I already did.
293
00:16:21,773 --> 00:16:25,493
I don't know what his problem is.
He fired me for missing 20 minutes of work.
294
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:29,072
Why doesn't he fire himself
for missing puberty?
295
00:16:29,239 --> 00:16:30,449
Let it go, Han.
296
00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:33,445
She spent her morning
dusting a strap-on.
297
00:16:33,618 --> 00:16:37,368
I didn't fire you because you were late.
You crapped all over the diner.
298
00:16:37,538 --> 00:16:40,998
And you forgot that diner lifted you up
when you had nothing.
299
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:44,837
Well, I lifted you up
when you couldn't reach the canned corn.
300
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,724
So we're even. Fight over.
301
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:51,643
What the hell did you do
to my apartment?
302
00:16:51,802 --> 00:16:55,852
It looks you could film
a douche commercial in here.
303
00:16:57,808 --> 00:17:00,888
Oleg, this is what you asked for.
Romantic.
304
00:17:01,062 --> 00:17:03,902
Romantic? My place went
from Fifty Shades of Grey...
305
00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:06,685
...to fifty shades of beige.
306
00:17:07,902 --> 00:17:10,652
Where's my sex swing?
Where's my sex chair?
307
00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:15,201
Where's my poster that says,
"Poke her in the front, lick her in the back"?
308
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:18,787
Oleg, relax. All your stuff's either
in the basement or the closet.
309
00:17:18,954 --> 00:17:21,834
I know more about what a woman
would like to come home to...
310
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,630
...than a man whose last girlfriend
was made in the Philippines.
311
00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:26,504
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
312
00:17:26,671 --> 00:17:30,051
SOPHIE:
It's me. Hide your kids, hide your wife.
313
00:17:30,215 --> 00:17:33,755
Sophie. She can't know you're here.
Go, go, all of you.
314
00:17:33,927 --> 00:17:36,057
Han, get in the closet.
315
00:17:36,221 --> 00:17:40,061
Putting a guy who's in the closet in the
closet? That's like gay nesting dolls.
316
00:17:40,226 --> 00:17:43,266
I'm not gay. I'm a metrosexual.
317
00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:48,726
This is where the magic happens?
318
00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:50,242
Oh.
319
00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:52,947
Oh, no.
320
00:17:53,698 --> 00:17:56,078
Do you live with your mother?
321
00:17:57,451 --> 00:18:01,871
What? You don't like?
I thought you would enjoy the girls' touch.
322
00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:05,169
Ha! What girls? The Golden Girls?
323
00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:07,665
(LAUGHS)
324
00:18:07,836 --> 00:18:09,296
Sophie hates it.
325
00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:12,263
I should have just thrown a boiled ham
on the bed.
326
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:15,054
Oh, no. My hair is stuck in Oleg's clothes.
327
00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:18,100
Please don't let it be a pants zipper.
Oh.
328
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,976
(SCREAMS)
329
00:18:26,064 --> 00:18:30,114
-Han, Alexis. Alexis, Han.
-Ew. Take it away from me.
330
00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:33,066
It's so heavy. Oh, no. Oh, no. Unh!
331
00:18:34,489 --> 00:18:36,119
Help. Get her off of me.
332
00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:37,911
Why? You're finally getting some.
333
00:18:38,576 --> 00:18:41,156
-Take it, take it.
-I got it, I got it.
334
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:43,708
(BOTH GRUNT)
335
00:18:45,916 --> 00:18:49,416
Look, Han's fallen and he can't get it up.
336
00:18:52,714 --> 00:18:54,884
What the hell is going on here?
337
00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:58,390
I mean, this is freaky even for me.
338
00:18:59,137 --> 00:19:00,927
Sophie, I can explain.
339
00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:03,308
I hired Caroline to redo my apartment...
340
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:06,976
...so it wouldn't be the dirty bachelor pad
you were expecting.
341
00:19:07,145 --> 00:19:10,315
But you are the dirty bachelor
that I'm expecting.
342
00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:13,942
And why would you hire Caroline?
She doesn't know about sexy stuff.
343
00:19:14,112 --> 00:19:18,162
She couldn't even figure out
what we do with the bowling ball.
344
00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:20,454
Sophie, you should've seen
what was in here.
345
00:19:20,617 --> 00:19:25,207
I mean, he had this anatomically
correct Real Doll he named Alexis.
346
00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:29,093
Yeah, well, she's very pretty.
347
00:19:30,377 --> 00:19:32,587
He had a sex swing.
348
00:19:32,755 --> 00:19:35,375
Ooh! A sex swing.
349
00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:38,549
What are you gonna tell me now?
That he had a water bed?
350
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:42,310
I did. It had 1500 tracer bulbs. It was hot.
351
00:19:42,472 --> 00:19:43,642
(SOPHIE GASPS)
352
00:19:43,807 --> 00:19:47,807
Well, who has it now?
I wanna be with him.
353
00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:52,534
Oh, hell. I'm tired of all this role-playing,
so I'm just going to say it.
354
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:55,992
Sophie, I am in love with you.
355
00:19:58,448 --> 00:19:59,818
Oh.
356
00:20:01,075 --> 00:20:06,785
Well, I haven't said this to a man
in a very long time...
357
00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:10,039
...but I like you a little bit.
358
00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:15,132
I don't know what she's talking about,
Caroline. I think it's pretty.
359
00:20:15,798 --> 00:20:19,468
You make everything prettier,
even the dumb diner.
360
00:20:20,510 --> 00:20:24,350
Your diner's not dumb. I miss the diner.
361
00:20:24,515 --> 00:20:27,475
And it misses you.
You can have your job back.
362
00:20:27,644 --> 00:20:30,314
Is it just because I'm stoned
or did anyone else feel...
363
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:33,320
...that deep connection between them?
364
00:20:34,107 --> 00:20:36,027
Could you all leave?
365
00:20:36,193 --> 00:20:40,703
I want to be alone with Oleg. And Alexis.
366
00:20:43,826 --> 00:20:45,616
Now are we going to smoke weed?
367
00:20:46,328 --> 00:20:50,118
Yeah, I'm dying to see you high.
Well, as high as you can get.
368
00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:20,704
English - US - SDH
369
00:21:20,754 --> 00:21:25,304
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