All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s02e19 Temporary Distraction

What's up, peanut?

Max, I'm not paying you
to just stand there.

You're not paying me to eat
as many fries as I can...

...before the plate leaves
the kitchen, but I do that too.

Go wait on that pretty girl.

Oh, wait. Is she a boy?

She looks a little
like a pretty boy.

She's probably looking at you
and thinking the same thing.

But are you attracted
to the girl she is...

...or the boy she appears to be?

You're confused, aren't you, Han?

Yes, my mind tells me one thing,
but my body tells me something else.

Max, go on break. I've got the booth.

Oh, no. You can't wait on her.

That's Tina, a lesbian
who turns straight girls.

They call her "Tina the Turner."

Every heterosexual woman
in Williamsburg has hooked up with her.

Max, everyone?

Not me. Who do you think turned her?

But you won't be able
to resist her charm. Trust me.

That's nonsense. I'm very
comfortable with my sexuality.

I once texted "Yes" to Mr. Chaz Bono
on Dancing with the Stars.

Okay, good luck.

Just don't let me catch you guys
making out on the table.

Or do. It's a free country.

-Hi, are you ready to order?
-Sure.

I love your hair, by the way.

Earl, Caroline's about
to fall in love with a lesbian.

Well, color me
"I saw that one coming."

How did it go?

Fine, she complimented my hair, she
ordered a soup, I gave her my number.

I gave her my number?

Okay, hit the showers.

That's what I get for
sending a straight woman...

...to do an emotionally
dead woman's job.

It was so nice
to wake up this morning...

...without the stress of
owning our cupcake business.

The only decision
I have to make today is...

...do I change my underwear
or turn these inside out?

Four years ago, I was hit
with a similar conundrum.

"Do I buy underwear or do I buy beer?"

I've been free-balling it ever since.

What are you doing?
What's happening?

The arrow from the shop?

I put it on so you'd know
where the insults were coming from.

I'm talking about the cupcakes.
Our cupcake shop is gone.

Why are you making those things?

It's the only constant in my life
and the routine distracts me from...

...the relentless darkness that lurks
in every corner of my thoughts.

We need to sell these at the diner
to make extra money.

You can do it.
I'm not speaking to them.

They totally led me on.

Those cupcakes were a tease.

Well, I wanna pay rent this month.

And then again next month.

And so on and so on until
the exquisite release of death.

Oh, rent. Here we go again.
Does that bitch ever stop?

(PHONE RINGING)

If that's death, it's for me.

Tell him to honk
and I'll be right out.

Morning, Chestnut.

What is it about those big beautiful eyes
that makes everything feel better?

I guess I just have a warmth.

Oh, you mean the horse.

It this still good?

It is not.

Eh. Like I have a choice.

Wow, that was a blast from the past.

My old temp agency.

Flu's got their staff laid up,
they need bodies.

Wanna do it?
I bet they'll let us temp together.

You think? You think
they'd let us temp together?

Oh, God, last week I owned
a cupcake business, now I'm temping.

Why don't I just ask Chestnut
to kick me in the head?

He won't do it. I've asked him
like seven times.

Look, we've both casually fantasized...

...about our deaths
within 10 minutes of waking up...

...so maybe we should do
something to distract us.

And xeroxing will make us feel whole?

Let me tell you something...

...when you're photocopying your ass on
a Xerox machine, you're never more alive.

Hello, old friend.

Here it is. My temping blazer.

Ah, you can still smell the no way out.

Why is that in a bucket?

Because I don't wanna
accidentally wear it.

Well, is there a pantsuit
in the oven I could wear?

It doesn't matter
what you wear, you're a temp.

They'll be impressed
if you don't poop your pants.

And even if you do,
not a deal breaker.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

All right, but if
we're temping to make our rent...

...that's the last batch of those.

I don't wanna see, hear, or think
any more about cupcakes.

(SOPHIE LAUGHING)

Ding-dong, cupcake calling. Ha-ha-ha.

We found the cupcake costumes from
your store out near the dumpster. Ha-ha.

-Are you guys drunk?
-Yes. Ha-ha-ha.

Yeah, we've been out clubbing all night.

(OLEG COUGHS)

Oh, I just swallowed one of my balls.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, now you know
how I feel. Ha-ha-ha.

I threw those costumes
away on purpose.

Max and I are
no longer making cupcakes.

What did you say?

Cupcakes are a waste of time and money.

You take that back right now!

No, you don't....

You're lucky that I have a giant
cake holding me back right now.

(LAUGHING)

Fifth floor, end of dreams.

Oh, yeah, I've worked here before.

You know the toaster oven
in our kitchen? It came from here.

Hi. Caroline Channing,
reporting for my first day.

I went ahead and printed out my
address, Social Security...

...and other information
to make your life easier.

Hey, I'm temp number two.
Where your bathroom at?

I'll get Eli, he's my boss.

Sign these stating that if you're
injured on the job it's not our fault.

How would we injure
ourselves in an office?

Let me give you a "for instance."

Some girl, let's say her name is
Sarah, is walking through the office...

...with her number two pencil
facing up ways.

She trips over her shoes
and falls and number two pencil...

...goes right through her eyeball
and into her brain.

And now she's gotta eat applesauce
through a straw the rest of her life.

See, that's not our fault,
that's her fault...

...as per the judge's decision in
Sarah Drake v. Westship Insurance.

Sign those. I'll get Eli.

Thank you. I'm sorry,
I didn't get your name.

That's because I didn't give it to you.

What are you doing?
You never give anybody your real name.

When you make
your data-entry mistake....

...they can't track the real you down.

You didn't see me
at the Enron trial, did you?

And that light in your eyes?
Dim it down. Way down. Show me.

That's good. How did you do that?

-I thought about our future.
-Great.

Eli's in a meeting, but you gotta
watch this sexual harassment video.

Watching a video is a waste of time
when we could do something productive.

A waste of time?

Let me give you a "for instance."

There's this Dominican guy, he's
installing a new water jug in the office...

...and he looks at one
of the female employees and says:

"Speaking of jugs," and then he reaches
up and cups the employee's breastesses...

...then starts twisting on the nips
and what have you.

Now, how do you
handle a situation like that?

That's actually how
my longest relationship started.

(CHUCKLES)

DOUG (ON VIDEO): I'd love to give you
that promotion, Beverly.

But first, you'll have to do something for me.

Don't do it, Beverly. Don't do it!

Spoiler alert. I've watched
this in here before...

...and it does not end well for Beverly.

Well, not to blame the victim,
but who wears a black bra to work?

These shelves would be so much better...

...if they were alphabetized,
color-coordinated.

Forget that cabinet.
Look at the top shelf on Beverly.

I'm a little jelly.

DOUG: That's right, Beverly.
Now bend down and pick up that file.

Oh, Doug, you're up to your old tricks
and she falls for it every time.

WOMAN: Let's pause here
and write down these rules...

...we've learned
from Beverly and Doug.

Ah. I love the smell in here.

Reminds me of interning on Wall Street.

You know, minus
the dignity and the future.

But why would the paper products
be near the toner?

Whoever organized this place must
have been stupid or lazy or both.

A both.

Forget all that shelf stuff. You are not here
to improve layout...

...you're here to pretend you're working...

...and steal vitamin waters
from the break room...

...at the end of each day.

Hey.

Are you watching dirty videos
in here and didn't invite me?

They're making harassment
videos in 3D now?

I was looking for the new temps but
I wandered into a beauty pageant.

Uh, the votes are in. It's a tie.

I'm Eli Green, the office manager.
You must be our new temps.

-I'm Caroline Channing.
-And I'm Carmen Sandiego.

No relation.

(CAT MEOWS ON MONITOR)

Oh, my God, this is great.

The cat's eating the dog's food
and the dog's just like, "What?"

Yo. Psst. "Cat eats dog food."
YouTube it now.

Kind of busy with my work.

It's called minimum wage because
you're supposed to do the minimum.

Mm. Coffee tastes so much better when
it's from today and you haven't paid for it.

(CAT MEOWS)

Ha! The dog's just like, "What?" Classic.

You like that video?

Look up "Cat versus toddler."
You're welcome.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is this a modeling agency?

Did I get off on the wrong floor?

I don't care where you get off
as long as it's not here.

Hi, Eli.

Any idea when they'll decide who's
getting the junior executive promotion?

Not yet, but I mentioned
your name to the big guys, Ryan.

-I'm Leon.
-Hey, Caroline.

Hi. Question. I finished
the first-quarter claim reports.

Are you doping?
We need to stretch this out.

And I took the liberty of reformatting...

...the expense template, so,
what would you like me to do now?

Say my name, say my name. Heh.

Hey, Caroline, you're not just hot,
you're on fire.

You should be throwing
your hat in the ring...

-...for that executive job.
-Really?

And this girl's just like, "What?"

That temp place is soul-sucking.

And I didn't even know
I had a soul to suck.

If that's a suicide note,
just add my name to the end.

Come on, it's not that bad.

And I got four free fresh coffee drinks.

And one had a caramel drizzle.

Caramel Drizzle?

That's definitely my name
at my next temp job.

I don't know if
this is such a temp job.

I'm applying for that junior executive
position.

Oh, no, you're not.

We're only going back one more
time to get enough Wite-Out...

...to do the Kim Kardashian
white manicure.

Max, you saw me there today,
I'm good at this.

And it felt amazing
to be working somewhere...

...where my skills are
valued and supported.

Oh. Are you not feeling supported here?

I'm sorry. I'm a boss, not a bra.

Should I praise you more?

Really killing it with the leaning
on the counter doing nothing.

Kudos, Caroline. Huzzah.

Hey, where's my huzzah?
I was standing around doing nothing too.

And don't forget about me.
I was sitting around doing nothing.

In Korea, you all would be left on the curb
and taken away with the garbage.

Is that how you got to America, Han?

Earl, Caroline's being an idiot.

Oh, we're doing this in front of her now?

Would you still apply for that job...

...if I told you we sold out
of the cupcakes tonight?

Last one.

So what? They're good one day
and you want me to take them back?

Who am I, Robert Pattinson?

So you just cut little coconut
here out of your life? That's cold.

Max, this job offers medical benefits.

There are doctors
who don't have medical benefits.

And financial security.

Maybe I wanna wake up every morning
not wanting to kill myself.

Well, that's weird, but whatever.

I went to Wharton.

Pay attention, everyone.
I know you're all very busy working hard.

MAN (ON MONITOR):
You've just won a free iPad.

(CAT MEOWING ON MONITOR)

What the--? Ahem.
Attention, everyone.

While doing work and nothing but work
I may have downloaded a virus that meows.

So be on the lookout.

Carry on, Eli.

Thank you, Carmen.

Happy to say 10th floor has picked
our new junior exec...

...and that person is sitting right here.

-Yes!
-No. Caroline.

-Yes!
-No.

-Champagne on me.
-Yes!

Here, I got us a fresh bottle,
because I'm the boss.

Ms. Black, would you
pop that cork for me?

I'd be happy to,
Ms. Channing, you bitch. Ooh!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Okay.

Okay, okay, now I'm gonna
make a proper toast.

I don't know how,
their toaster oven's in our kitchen.

To Max. I promise
not to sexually harass you...

...no matter how much
I am required to as your superior.

To Caroline, I cannot promise
the same thing because, sister, you fine.

Ha!

Oh, crap! I spilled champagne
on my good bucket blazer.

(IN DEEP VOICE)
"Yes, right there on your breasts, Beverly."

(IN NORMAL VOICE) I'm doing Doug
from the sexual harassment video.

The Doug? Love your harassment work.

Especially that sad HR scene
where you get fired and cry...

...but still manage
to touch yourself a little.

(IN DEEP VOICE) "Wow, Beverly, your breasts
are so big, I might need the whole box."

That's enough. You're making
this rag feel even dirtier.

-Hey, hand me that.
-(IN NORMAL VOICE) What?

-My new Westship company poncho?
-Yep.

Now it's my booze bib.

Oh, I love this.

Somehow it's small enough
to fit in your purse...

...but large enough to sleep under during
an Occupy-Wall-Street-type situation.

Max, I'm pouring you more champagne...

...because I have something
really exciting I wanna tell you.

I talked to Eli about hiring you full-time.

You are now a junior executive's
executive assistant.

I will knock you to the ground.

Max, think about it.
It comes with healthcare.

You wouldn't have to decide between
birth control pills and morning after pills.

Are you trying to take away
a woman's right to choose?

Come on, it could be so fun,
coming to work together...

...getting free coffee,
the good kind, the blended kind.

Not to mention xeroxing our asses
and feeling more alive than ever.

Watch, I'll show you
what a fun boss I can be.

Let's go xerox our asses.

Well, how could I say no
to copying my butt?

The only thing better
than one of my butts is two of my butts.

-I'll go first.
-Too late.

Do you want legal size paper
or three-hole punch?

Three-hole punch? That's how
my longest relationship ended.

Ready, you corporate sell-out. Fry me.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

Hey. Why's it still flashing?

Whoops. I put in a hundred copies
instead of one.

Don't worry about it,
we'll use them as Christmas cards.

See? That's why I need an assistant.

Thanks, but I'm not gonna
take this stupid corporate job.

I'm gonna stick with cupcakes,
even though you just quit.

I didn't quit the cupcake business.
If you remember, it quit us.

At least this job makes sense.
You get a regular paycheck, benefits.

You don't spend two years
of your life giving it everything...

...and then walk away
feeling like a failure.

Get off that now. I'm worried
you're giving yourself butt cancer.

Wait. You think you're a failure?
Because I think we did amazing.

The shop closed, Max.
Our dream blew up in our face.

Lots of things blow up in your face.
It's part of being a woman.

You just towel off and keep going.

You're gonna do this?

This was to be a temporary distraction
until we got back to the cupcake thing.

No, Max, cupcakes were the temp job.

No. Cupcakes were our dream.

Well, I was wrong.
Maybe it's better not to have a dream.

Good morning, everyone.

They said you
wanted to see me in here.

Ms. Channing, my name is Michelle Yi,
I'm with HR.

Aww. Is this my official welcome?

(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
Oh, hello.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Well, I brought some
first-day bagels and plain cream cheese.

Sometimes chives can be
a little breathy, am I right?

Is this the woman
who sexually harassed you?

Yup, that's her.

Oh!

Good one. Really funny.

Me harassing you?
Come on, you're not even my type.

Caroline, this isn't a joke.

Trust me, I've been through four of these.

Wait, what's going on?

Ms. Channing,
don't address Carmen directly.

-Max?
-Max?

Is that a pet name
she has for you, Carmen?

Yes.
She also calls me Caramel Drizzle.

Can you tell me what exactly happened
with Ms. Channing last night?

She fondled my breasts.

Ms. Yi, it's not how it sounds.

We were drinking
and I was pretending to be a man.

Drinking. Pretending to be a man.

Don't write that down.

Carmen, when Ms. Channing
touched you, how did you feel?

Dirty.

Dirty and underpaid.

She felt dirty? Come on,
Ms. Yi, you don't know her.

She's the dirty girl.
She's a dirty, dirty girl.

And does that turn you on?

No! It's almost impossible to turn me on.

Oh, good, now I don't feel so bad.

Trust me. She is making this stuff up.

I'm sorry, Ms. Channing, we're gonna
have to terminate your employment.

This is outrageous.
Nothing she said ever happened.

Then how do you explain this?

That is a copy from a Xerox machine
badly in need of toner...

...which is one of the oversights
that would not have continued...

...had I been made an executive here.
Good day.

I don't know what she's talking about.

That butt couldn't be any toner.
Write that down, write that down.

Can I get a peek at that?

-How are you tonight, Caroline?
-Angry, frustrated, humiliated.

Just another Tuesday at the diner.

Hello, Carmen, or is it Caramel Drizzle?

Just so you know, that stunt will
go on my professional work record.

Oh, please, this diner's
on your professional work record.

And your record's clean.

Eli expunged it because
I gave him a couple of my ass xeroxes.

He's laminating them and using
them as place mats. My idea.

For what, Max?
Why'd you get me fired?

Why'd I get you fired?

Well, let me give you a "for instance."

I once knew this girl
who was so used to not failing...

...that the first time she did
she got so scared...

...she forgot who she was
and tried to be somebody else.

And then she touched my breastesses.

It's cool if you don't wanna
join in on the cupcake dream.

But at least wait until you find another,
don't hop on the first one that comes along.

It's a dream, not a man.

See? You are a dirty girl.

I'm a dirty, dirty girl.

Hey, cupcake quitters.

Look, you see what you've driven me to?

Supermarket cakes.

Sophie, you don't need to eat those.
You can have one of ours.

Max's Homemade Cupcakes
is back in business.

It would be cruel to kid me.

Nope. We're doing it differently this time.

We are? How?

-I have no idea.
-Heh.

But for starters, you're my
new junior executive executive's assistant.

I will knock you to the ground.

Mm. Oh....

Yeah.

Well, Mama happy now.

English - US - SDH

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