All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s02e12 High Holidays

This is it, Max. The first private party
we've booked in our cupcake shop.

What? You said it was a private party.
And this is a party I keep near my privates.

Fine, but they can't smell it
on your breath, so eat a mint after.

No need. It's peppermint schnapps,
because I think ahead.

I think this calls for a first party dance.

(SINGSONGY)
First party.

Who gonna have a first party?
We gonna have a first party.

That's the same dance you did...

...when the Humane Society
sent you free puppy address labels.

(SINGSONGY)
Address labels.

Who got doggies on an envelope?
Who got doggies on an envelope?

(SINGSONGY) I need another sip of this.
Wish I had something stronger.

(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Max, I'm sorry. I can't help it.

I'm just so excited my genius marketing ideas
are finally starting to pay off.

(CHILDREN YELLING)

Quiet! Quiet!

Quiet! Quiet!

If you aren't listening, Cupcake Max
can't teach you how to decorate.

(ALL LAUGHING)

It's weird how sex is so great
and yet it makes these.

Ho, ho, ho.

Talking to you, Max.

I know. What's up, Andy?

I brought some Christmas candy
from my shop for the diner.

Oh.

Look, Max, Santa did come.

From just a kiss?

Well, you didn't see
what she was doing with her hands.

I taught her that. That's my gift to you.
Merry Christmas.

Hey, is, uh, everything okay with your shop?

The landlord came into my store
and mentioned you hadn't paid rent.

-If there's a problem, I'd be happy to help.
-We don't have--

Don't have a clue why our online payments
just never go through. Technology, right?

You used to be able to shake the mailman's
hand. Now it's all holograms and lasers.

Grandma's right, those were the days.

It was a more honest time.

Okay. Well, I gotta go.
A kiss for Caroline.

Oh, that was a new kind of kiss.
I liked it.

Max taught me.

What's with the lies? Tell him the truth.

We can't pay our rent, life sucks,
and you need wine before oral.

No need. We still have two other
private parties set up for this month:

The quinceanera for that pregnant girl,
and then her baby shower.

Plus the holidays are coming.

So we should get our decorations up ASAP
or Santa won't know where to find us.

He'll know where to find us.

We'll be the two evicted girls
eating fruitcake out of a Dumpster.

Oh, look, here comes
one of the reindeers now.

You look like a Korean coatrack.

Everybody can stop looking.
We found the Grinch.

No wonder it's so angry.
It's working for minimum wage.

Oh, you're hanging
the Christmas decorations.

-I already put up the mistletoe.
-Where?

Let's just say it's very well-hung.

Well, all my checks are in, so I have to run
and make a cupcake delivery.

Put this in the till.
I did a cupcake run last night too.

Wait, who orders cupcakes at 2 a.m.?

Um, my friends.

-You don't have any friends.
-I have so many friends.

-Who are your friends?
-Some people I know.

-Then how come I've never met them?
-Well, they don't like you.

But they don't know me.

They don't like
what they've heard about you.

Who would they hear things from
but you?

Maybe from my other group of friends.
They don't like you either. Later.

Max, you can turn around.
That's right, I followed you.

Sorry for following you. It's just,
you have the hair and jacket of a woman.

In a good way.

Did you actually think that was me?
My beard is much thicker.

Where are we going? Why are we in this
seedy building that smells like marijuana?

Oh, my God,
is this where your mom lives?

You think my mom lives indoors?

Look, for the last few nights, my dealer
calls me after she sells pot to people.

And then I sell those people
the munchies they need.

Max, this is New York. That's illegal.

No, giant sodas are illegal.

This is me selling cupcakes
to make our rent.

And besides, it's not a big deal.

Pot's legal in Washington, Massachusetts,
Colorado, and California.

Thank you for the stoner's summary
of the last election...

...but we don't live in those places
and I don't approve of pot at all.

It makes people lazy and lethargic,
and drains all one's ambitions.

God, you're fun.

Look, on the other side of this door...

...is money to help us make
the $600 more we need for rent.

It's totally up to you.

Should I knock, or not knock?

-What's good, Max?
-Hey, Keefer. This is my friend Caroline.

Pleasure, my goddess. Come on in.
I just broke out some dank nugs.

Oh, thanks, but we actually
just had some dank nugs.

First of all, that's your new nickname.

And, Keefer, I don't wanna rush you,
but me and Dank Nugs have to get home.

Okay, cool.
I'll be right back with the cash.

Second-hand smoke,
second-hand smoke.

Second-hand nerd, second-hand nerd.

Here you go.
They were feeling kind of generous.

-Nice to meet you, Nugs.
-Nice meeting you too.

Peace.

There, 100 bucks.

Oh, my God, Max, that's a 100-dollar bill.

How easy was that?
And we didn't even have to open the shop.

What is the problem with doing this?

You're right, I overreacted.
We're not selling pot. We sell cupcakes.

We didn't break any laws.
Nothing illegal about it.

Move! Move! Move!

-I didn't know! I didn't know!
-Go! Go! Go! Keep going!

-Police!
-Go! Go now!

Put the meth down! Put the meth down!

What's up?

Move! Go! Go!
Get him out! Let's go!

Bring him out! Go! Go! Go!

I told you not to get involved with drugs!
I told you!

Shut it, Carol! Shut it!

I can't believe that just happened.

I know, it's like, let it go, Carol.

We're done with drugs. I was right.

And now you know
why my friends don't like you.

And remember, we do private parties,
wedding parties, birthday parties--

There's a dozen.
What's the special occasion?

My cat died.

We also do funerals, divorces...

...and sad Friday nights alone.

Thank you.

Okay, so that's 48 more dollars.

-Now all we need is--
-For 72 more cats to die.

There's no need to kill imaginary cats.

Let's just send out positive energy,
and the universe will provide.

Swing and a miss, universe.

Surprise. I was in the neighborhood.
Thought I'd stop by and say hello.

Any other circumstance,
I'd say, "Never do that again."

But today I'm saying,
"How many cupcakes do you want?"

Think of a number between 10 and 20.

I'm kind of trying to watch my waist.

Well, you're closer to it
than most people.

I'm gonna start you with 12 cupcakes.

Full price, because you're family.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, my God. The phone ringing
and a customer at the same time?

See, Max? It's all happening.

Between the money we just got last night
and that quinceanera/baby shower...

...we're gonna make our rent.

Max's Homemade Cupcakes.
Oh, hola , Estella.

Si , the quinceanera/baby shower.

Qué?

Oh, no. Deported?

Oh, you can't afford it, heh, heh.

My mal , heh.

Well, sorry, it didn't work out.
Gracias for calling.

That's disappointing,
but we should've seen it coming.

She couldn't afford condoms either.

It's cool. I'll just call Keefer and try to do
a couple more cupcake runs.

No, that's not cool, that's dangerous.
It'll all work out.

Know what?
I'll just go over and ask Andy...

...if he'll float us cash
till the holiday rush kicks in. He did offer.

We should put up some Christmas lights,
a menorah for Chanukah, and for Kwanzaa....

While I'm gone,
why don't you Wikipedia Kwanzaa?

Well, here's the first eight. And how many
cupcakes would you like to go?

I'm thinking of a number
between 40 and 50.

How come you never push the food
at the diner like this?

Oh, that's where I know you from.

Start eating.

I didn't do it. It's so not hot.
He's my boyfriend.

I mean, it's not like borrowing money from
family. You don't sleep with your family.

Not all families are the same, Caroline.

Besides, we're fine.
The universe will provide.

The universe better provide in a second,
because there's the landlord.

-He went into that Moroccan place.
-What are we gonna do?

-Hide.
-What?

-Well, I should go.
-It's too late for that.

Lock the door, hit the lights,
and crawl over here, and stay low.

Stay down till we're out of sight.

Ow, ow, ow.

It hurts.

Oh, please. Like this is the first time
you've been on your knees in a bathroom.

You don't have to stay
on the ground anymore.

I feel like this is where I belong now.

(BELLS ON DOOR RING)

WOLF:
Yo, baker girls.

Max, he's in the shop.

-Okay, go, out the window.
-Really?

If he can't see us, he can't evict us. Go.

It's a little high. Are you sure?

You've heard, "When God closes a door,
he opens a window"?

He's running from his landlord. Go.

Okay, here goes. I love you, Max.

What about me? What should I do?

Put the money for those cupcakes
on the counter.

-Who are you?
-Uh....

No hablo Inglés?

All right, all right, good news.
I just found $3 in my pocket.

Oh, and a peanut M&M, so we don't
have to spend money on dinner.

Why are you putting it off?
You know what you have to do.

Go over to the couch.
Put your hands in that crack.

It's every poor girl's rite of passage.

Oh!

-What?
-I think something just licked me.

-I'll just check our purses. Here's yours.
-No, I checked that. There's nothing in mine.

Except that baggie of pot that
Keefer gave me as a Christmas present.

Max, this is not a Christmas present.
This is a giant, illegal, fat sack of weed.

Yeah, with a Rudolph sticker,
which makes it a Christmas present.

See? His nose and his eyes are red.

I want this out of my sight.
You gotta get rid of it.

Well, it's gonna take me at least
45 minutes to smoke all that.

Max, I'm serious. I'm not comfortable
with that fat sack of weed.

Stop saying "fat sack of weed."

You're like someone's dad
overusing the word "awesome."

I'll put it up here, next to the half a Vicodin
I was saving for New Year's.

Oh, no, the pot!

The pot is in the pot. It's in the butter
I was using to make cupcakes.

Maybe this is the universe
telling you to stop doing drugs.

Or is it telling us to sell them?

Max, we are not that desperate.
We're not making pot cupcakes.

I'd rather just see
what the holidays bring.

Well, this isn't Bethlehem, it's Brooklyn.
There's no frankincense and myrrh.

There's only Franken Berry
and myrrh-ijuana.

These turned out great!
Good idea, universe.

I knew you smoked weed.

Oh, my God. I can't believe the smell.

It's like a skunk skunked a skunk.

I know. It's like a Porta-Potty
on the last day of Coachella.

Oh, no, Chestnut's smelling this.
I got my horse stoned.

Oh, relax.
He's just trying to fit in at school.

Think the neighbors can smell it?
Think they'll call the cops?

Chill out. How can someone be
this paranoid before they're high?

-Here, taste this.
-Max, I don't do pot.

I tried it a couple times in college.
It changed my personality.

Then please have some pot right now.

Come on, it's business. I need you
to taste it and tell me how it is. I can't tell.

At this point, everything
I put in my mouth tastes like pot.

Hey, it's pretty good.

In fact, it's kind of delicious.

We should charge 15 apiece for these.
That's $540. That's our rent.

A few more bites of that cupcake and
that math would've taken two hours longer.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, my God. It's the cops.
It's probably that same SWAT team!

I told you not to get involved with drugs!
I told you!

Shut it, Caroline! Shut it!

Relax, it's Sophie.

Hi, girls. I got my period.

Yeah, I got killer cramps.
It's like I got a tractor in my uterus.

We're sorry you're not feeling well.

Yeah, you know, it's times like these
I think God's a bitch.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What's that smell?

Nothing. It's nothing.

Maui wowie!

Oh, you girls
have been holding out on me.

All right! Okay!
This is what I'm talking about!

Oh, my God, goodbye, killer cramps!

Hello, pot party!

I am picking up
what you are laying down.

I think we found
our new product spokesperson.

Here it is.
I've been here once with Keefer.

Judah's a really chill guy,
kind of a tech genius.

Think we can probably sell them all here.

You okay? You haven't spoken
the entire way here...

...which is either a side effect of the pot,
or my early Christmas present.

No, I'm fine. I feel exactly the same.
It hasn't changed me at all.

Careful with the box.
You'll smear the cupcakes.

Oh, what does it matter?
We're all gonna die.

Is this that other personality
you were telling me about?

No, it's still me. Not that I matter.
None of us do. We're all gonna die.

Oh, crap.

Hey, Max. I was so happy that you called.

And we're so happy
you're addicted to marijuana.

It always leads to heroin, which--

Leads to death. We get it.
You're the one not-fun stoner.

Guys, the chicks are here
with the edibles.

MEN: Edibles!
-We're having a celebration.

Okay, so cupcakes.
They're $15 apiece, good quality.

And, guys, we have to sell all of them or
tomorrow we'll be eating out of a Dumpster.

Does anyone have any uppers?

I have to sit down. I mean, life.

Ugh. I'm so tired of pretending
it's all gonna be okay. It's not.

You should get that mole checked out.
I don't feel good about it.

-This chick is freaking me out.
-Take it easy. We'll just get some food in her.

-I got a buddy on the way with pizza.
-I'm sorry about her.

It's like bringing your mother to a strip club.
Not for me. That'd be taking Mom to work. Ha.

Strippers, how about their lives?
They got no way out.

Can I talk to you before you perform an
acoustic ballad about strippers with moles?

What's the point, Max?

Go. If you're gonna hit me, hit me.

What is happening with you? I didn't even
know blond people could be sad.

Max, I have to tell you something.
Come here. It's a secret. Come here.

We're not gonna make it.

You're the one always telling me
everything's gonna be fine.

Yeah, I was lying.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Where's the weed, homeslizzy?

Perfect timing, Andy.
These are the girls who are selling edibles.

No, that's my girlfriend, Caroline.

That sucks for you, dude.

What are you doing here?

She is really getting the hang of that.

And around 4 a.m., you finally called me
from an IHOP in Greenpoint...

...and I came and picked you up.

You were covered in syrup, yelling:

"The Mayans were right!
The Mayans were right!"

There's my little stoner.

Andy, I don't get stoned.
It was just last night.

I know. You told me all about it
when you called at 4 a.m.

Sorry, and I'm mortified to ask,
but did you and I have phone sex?

That was you and me.

Stoned Caroline's got game.

Max told me about the rent.
Why didn't you tell me you needed help?

I guess I just didn't wanna admit to you
or to myself that we're in real trouble.

Plus being a charity instead
of a girlfriend is so not hot.

Uh, there is nothing you can do
that is not hot.

Then whatever you do,
do not look at the video Max has of me...

...rolling around in the IHOP parking lot,
covered in syrup.

I want you to have this.

Cash it, don't cash it.
Do whatever you want.

But just know that my success doesn't
mean anything if I can't share it with you.

Thank you. Andy, that is so amazing,
and I really appreciate it, but I can't take it.

Well, it's a win-win.
At least it got your hand in my pants.

And remember,
if you ever need it, it's there.

I'm talking about my penis.

Andy offered to pay our rent,
but I said no.

That is the whitest thing I've ever heard.

It was really sweet of him, but I didn't wanna
take money from a man I'm sleeping with.

Wait, are you telling me
there are women...

...who don't take money
from men they're sleeping with?

-What's gonna happen, Max?
-I don't know.

But we do have Christmas decorations,
so let's put them up.

Wait a minute.
You're the one pushing Christmas?

Who are you, me?

No, I still have my dignity.

Speaking of Christmas,
here are the Two and a Half Wise Men.

-What's up?
-Caroline called me last night.

Told me that you two couldn't pay
your rent, that you were losing the shop.

(SINGSONGY)
That girl can talk.

She called me too
and said you didn't have your rent.

And also that, for sure,
the rising waters of the ocean...

...will swallow us and kill us all.

So we put together
what we had and, here.

Consider it an early Christmas gift
from all three of us.

Even though I gave $350,
Earl gave 100 and he gave 50.

-Thank you, but we can't take it.
-Yes, you can. We're family.

Five hundred whole dollars?
Thank you, guys.

And we have something special for you.

What makes it special?

The love she puts into them, man.

You can smell the love all around her.

You know, Max,
I think we're gonna make it.

I like not-stoned Caroline.
We're gonna keep you off the drugs.

You mean because I'm more positive?

No, we may have to sell your urine
for next month's rent...

...and I'm gonna need that pee clean.

(EARL LAUGHING)

(CASH REGISTER DINGS)

English - US - SDH

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