All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s02e08 Egg Special

Okay, everyone, time to divvy up
what's in the lost-and-found box.

If my dignity's in there,
tell it I said "what up."

This is my favorite day of the month.

Oh, God, I've fallen so far, so fast.

You haven't fallen that far.

-First item, a scrunchie.
-I need that, give me!

I think I hit my bottom.

-Okay, next item, a pregnancy test.
-That's empty.

What? I had two free minutes,
and you never know.

Can we move this along?

I'm an old man
and I need to get to bed.

You're late to meet woman
for hot date.

You know it.

A wallet, and....

No money?

What? If I was pregnant,
I needed it for the baby.

And finally, for the sixth month in a row,
the wig.

ALL:
The wig!

Han, it's your turn.
We've all put it on except you.

If I had to take a picture in it.
You have to take a picture in it.

Okay, fine. Man, I'm a fun boss.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, sorry, sir, we're closed.

I was just checking
if I left my toupee here.

Take the picture. Quick.

I got it.
The new Martha Stewart Living.

I ran so fast, the librarian said,
"Stop running."

And I almost said,
"This is different, I'm stealing."

Why are you still looking through
Martha Stewart Living?

We might be mentioned in it.

Martha said she hadn't forgotten us.

That's what my mother said...

...but I spent a whole night
in that parking lot.

Silver lining? I still know the whole
rap part to TLC's "Waterfalls."

I'm holding out hope we're in this...

...even though I've been hurt
two months in a row.

Oh, God, am I in an abusive relationship
with a lifestyle guru?

Okay, let's get this over with.

"How To Make Him Love
Your Salmon."

"How To Make Him Love
Your Stretch Marks."

Hey, he just doesn't love you.

Activia ad, Activia ad, Activia ad.

We get it, Jamie Lee, you poop a lot.

"Get Your Oven 'Martha Clean',
Max's Something Cupcakes."

-Scarf, scarf, scarf.
-Wait. Max's Cupcakes?

You just said
"Max's Something Cupcakes."

I did?

My ears are not used to anything good
coming out of my mouth.

There. There, look.

(IN UNISON)
"Max's Homemade Cupcakes...

...is a Williamsburg must-have!"

(BOTH SQUEAL)

What's this? What's my face doing?

-You're smiling, Max.
-No way!

Oh, my God. it's a blurb!

Everyone, we got a blurb
in Martha Stewart Living!

-Can I get some more coffee?
-Are you insane?

Hey, everyone, what's the excitement?

Is it because I'm here?

Sophie, Max's Homemade Cupcakes
got a blurb...

...in Martha Stewart Living.

Oh, that's funny.

Because I got a blurb
in New York Apartment Life.

Look.

"Sophie's Choice Cleaning Service.

They clean
like their life depends on it."

-Well, that's not exactly the same.
-No, because, look.

I got three plungers.

Yeah. But I didn't wanna brag.

(CELL PHONE CHIRPS)

Must be Andy, wondering
if I'm coming over to have sex tonight.

Could my life get any better?

Oh, my God, it could get better.
There are, like, 10 cupcake orders here.

Birthday, baby shower, bris.

-Can we do a bris?
-Sure.

I'll just make a little rosette foreskin
and write around the outside:

"Congratulations on not terrifying
women in 20 years."

-Hi, Andy.
-Hi, Candy.

Did you see
the new Martha Stewart Living?

Oh, sorry, no.

I still have to get through my
Glamour and Modern Bride.

And I had sisters,
so I'm allowed to know those names.

"A Williamsburg must-have." Nice.

I feel the same way about you.

Oh, cute. But it really doesn't mean
anything unless it's in a blurb.

I couldn't wait to show this to you.

I'm so glad you were doing inventory.

It's the weirdest thing...

...the only thing I can't account
for is one Elvis Pez dispenser.

Max. Um....

I don't know
what you're talking about, but....

(MIMICS ELVIS)
Thank you. Thank you very much.

-Can we please get back to the blurb?
-You're right.

I should have made
a bigger deal about it.

I've been freaked out.
There was big drama today.

Drama in a candy store?

Did the yogurt-covered
Craisins finally realize...

...how stupid they are
and commit mass suicide?

No, but seriously,
they pulled some bodies...

...out of the closed-down soup kitchen
across the way.

So now we're completely
off the blurb?

Some guys broke in, people got shot.

Apparently, it was a drug deal
gone wrong.

-Oh, my God. That's horrible.
-I know.

Why can't a drug deal ever go right?

-They said it was a real blood bath.
-I wanna see it.

Oh, okay,
so I'm closing the magazine, then?

Max, you can't go in there.
It's a crime scene, there's police tape.

Is she magic?

One of my mom's boyfriends
used to rob electronic stores.

He took me once for my birthday.

Uh.... There should be a light switch
around here.

-Oh, my God!
-Oh, that's really gross.

That's the greatest thing
I've ever seen.

Take a picture of me over here.
I finally have a reason to join Instagram.

People are gonna be like:

"Food, food, cat, food,
nails, nails, murder?"

Guys, I can't be in here.

I get queasy if the meat juice
touches my peas.

Is this your first blood splatter?
Jeez, someone's a princess.

They are never gonna be able
to rent this place.

I'm gonna go over to my store and put
blood on the walls so Max will like it.

Max, look around.

-Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
-Yep.

The shooter stood here. Based on the
blood splatter, he walked with a limp.

And his name was Mad Dog,
because I want that to be his name.

No, Max. You know how we've
always wanted our own shop?

This is it.

-This is Max's Homemade Cupcakes.
-Oh, yeah, I see that.

And we can put our red velvets over
there by the random skull fragments.

I thought our shop was gonna be
in Manhattan.

Manhattan's over.
Williamsburg is the new hot area.

Besides, Martha's blurb says
we're a Williamsburg must-have...

...so we must have this space.

No, we must have the money.

I mean, this place has gotta be, like,
4000 a month.

Was. Was 4000 a month.
That was the pre-tragedy price.

When people die,
it's a buyer's market.

You want to rent a room in that Shining
hotel now, it's like 50 bucks a night.

I wanna start a business in a place...

...where there was a shooting spree,
and if we go with red, it's half-painted.

-But where are we gonna get the money?
-This blurb is our money in the bank.

Oh, yeah, that's another thing
we don't have, bank.

There are places set up by women...

...specifically to support
women's small businesses.

I'm talking girl-on-girl financing.

That's hot.

But I don't care how much money they
offer us, I'm not braiding anyone's hair.

But are we ready?

Okay, yes, this is a big leap of faith...

...but we're getting in lots of orders
thanks to the blurb.

And what's the worst thing
that could happen?

-Maybe these could be our brains.
-No. Not gonna happen.

We're gonna kill it.

No disrespect to any spirits still
trying to find their way into the light.

I'll figure out a place.
We'll go in the morning.

Find something businessy to wear.
Less cleavage.

Oh, these are all business.

Great. I'm gonna go find Andy.

What is it about real estate
that makes you wanna dry hump?

Max, I'm so excited.
We're getting our dream.

-You look like you want a hug.
-I do.

Good night.

"Max's Homemade Cupcakes."
You're up.

Why didn't you pick up?

They called us early and I don't know
what to write on the paper.

I feel like an idiot.
My boobs are suffocating...

...and the only "business" thing
I could find was Han's blazer.

There's a piece of paper
in the pocket with his name on it.

Why would he have that?

Max's Homemade Cupcakes?

-Time is money.
-Um....

Here. But our appointment's
not for another 20 minutes.

Have a seat.

Cool place.

Women's Small Businesses.
Sisters doing it for themselves.

Well, I'm doing it
for the medical benefits.

-Go.
-Oh, now?

Before she gets here? Um....

Well, I'm not really much
of a business person--

Great way to start
a business loan application.

Go. You have a minute.

Okay. Well, um....

-How much time do I have now?
-Slightly less than a minute.

Okay, my business partner
could explain this better than me.

But I'll try. Ahem.

We have a cupcake business.

I bake cupcakes,
and my roommate's....

(MOUTHING WORDS)

I can't hear you.

Do you want to write it down?
Draw it? Shape it in clay?

Ahem. I would have filled this out more,
but that chick wouldn't let me cheat off her.

Not a girl's girl, know what I mean?

Very professional.

Under "Past Loan Repayment,"
you put:

"Paid Todd back
all the beer money I owed."

To be fair, he was drunk all the time,
I could've just said I did.

Points for honesty?

Let's get you a new loan application.

Just got your message.
The one time I don't come early.

Speaking of that,
I just had the most amazing orgasm.

We've been having great sex...

...but this morning,
I could not get enough of his...

...projected growth ratio
investment analysis.

Hello. Caroline Channing.
Wharton, Class of '09.

That's our business proposal.

And I would be a little embarrassed
about what just happened...

-...if I didn't know we're all just girls here.
-Can we move this along?

I got a busted toilet
and a pregnant dog at home.

Why didn't you tell me she was there?

Sorry. I wasn't expecting a monologue
from Confessions Of A Call Girl.

I'm afraid we're going to have to
deny the loan.

MAX: Why?
Because she had a good orgasm?

Isn't that what the '70s
was about for you gals?

You have no business history,
and that's a requirement for us.

-Well, I think we're done here.
-Yeah, I just said that.

I thought you guys were about
supporting small women's business.

And this small woman's business needs
support after the pounding it took today.

Max, let's go.

Okay, there's a bank in New Hampshire
that doesn't check anything.

Before someone grabs our cupcake space,
I say we get on a bus and go up there.

They won't give out their address...

...but I know they're in a mini mall
with a White Castle.

Better idea.

I went to Craigslist,
clicked on "etcetera"...

...and found all kinds of opportunities
to make some cash.

I'm fighting the instinct to weep,
but keep going.

At first, I thought I might call "Pit Pig,"

He wants his armpits smelled, but that's
a thousand sniffs. Big commitment.

Or there's the weirdo
looking for pretty amputees...

...but that feels like
a bigger commitment, so check it:

"Egg donors needed. Ten to 20 grand."

No way, I could never sell my eggs.

Wouldn't you hate to think
you had a kid and not know it?

I probably do.

In 2006, I invented the Four Loko
and Robitussin smoothie.

It's pretty much a black-out year.

Seriously, for the right price,
I'd sell them all.

Really? I mean,
I know you've always been tough.

To hear you tell it, you were part
of an underground baby Fight Club...

...but don't you want to be
a mom someday?

In the history of the world, give me one
example of a really good mother.

You're putting me on the spot,
all I can think of is Hilary Duff.

Look, you're complicating this
with these things you call emotions.

Like it or not...

(CLUCKING)

...I'm an egg farm.

We don't know one single person
outside of New Hampshire...

...who can lend us that kind of money.

SOPHIE:
Yoo-hoo! Girls! Look out the window!

Up here! It's me!

Yeah, Oleg and I
would like two cupcakes, please.

I feel weird asking Sophie for money.
And how do we even know she has any?

She's building her dream house
in Poland...

...between a former death camp
and a new W. She's got to be loaded.

Sophie is the kind of woman
who understands our dreams.

OLEG:
Come in.

That's what I thought would be
on the other side of that door.

Oleg, sweetie, we have company.
I brought you an ass pillow.

Nice to see you like this
outside of work, girls. No?

(IN UNISON)
No.

Girls, did you see
my big hanging thing?

-Yeah, we kind of just saw it.
-No.

No, I'm talking about my new
chandelier for my lake house.

Yeah, I can totally see you
drinking chardonnay under it.

Oh, Max, you are so funny.

-She's a real character.
-Yeah, that's not a word.

We just wanted to bring you
some more cupcakes, for free...

...per usual, and perhaps talk about
a possible business venture.

Oh, sorry, girls,
I have two rules in life.

Never drink from the same well
as a gypsy...

...and never lend money to friends.

And, Max, you are my friend.

Okay, we were just checking, thanks.

Sophie, just hear us out.

It's a wonderful opportunity
and we'll pay you back.

Okay, bye-bye.

Let's go. We tried it. Now it's--

(CLUCKING)

--time.

You are not harvesting your body
for money.

What's the big deal?

I sold two kidneys
for a down payment on my house.

Not true. You need at least one to live.

Oh, well, they weren't mine.

Well, you know what we have to do.
Let's get the berk out of here.

And you're sure
you're okay selling your eggs?

What do I care?
I've got a million of them.

I'm happy to lose a few.
More room for beer.

"Lose some eggs.
More room for beer."

It's crazy that's not their slogan.

What'd they ask you
on the application?

You know, income, hobbies,
did you ever have sex in Africa?

I wish.

The closest I ever got was a dude
once put his hand up my skirt...

...in an Ethiopian restaurant.

Now that we're here...

...I think it's wonderful
that places like this exist...

...to help women
who can't have babies have babies.

Hey. You think they take points off
for syphilis?

Max, I think it's really noble
what you're doing to get our dream.

This is a very special day.

How do you spell "Chlamydia"?

Well, no K's.
And I personally wouldn't heart the "I."

Thanks. And do I gotta put here
if my brother touched a kid?

Max Black.

Thank you for your interest,
but we're gonna have to pass.

-Why? I didn't have sex in Africa.
-Yes, I know. That was your one plus.

But under family history,
you put "drinking" and "secrets."

-I was being honest.
-Yeah, maybe too honest.

Because under education, you wrote:
"Jeopardy reruns"...

...and we're really looking
for college graduates.

Jeez, I'll take "Elitist" for 500, Alex.

Sorry, we're looking for girls
that come from Ivy League schools...

...and have impressive
family backgrounds.

Maybe her eggs didn't go
to Wharton...

...and graduate at the top of their class
like I did, but just look at her.

Who wouldn't want a baby
with such strength, beauty...

...and a rack so great
it could breast feed itself?

You went to Wharton?

We pay 20,000 for Ivy League eggs.

(CLUCKING)

Wow, we're taking blood already?

I guess going to Wharton
does put you on the fast track.

It's part of the process
to become a donor.

I'm gonna go get some vials
and I'll be right back.

It's so cool of you to do this.
It says a lot about you.

You know what says a lot about me?
That I know she tied you off wrong.

I'm happy to do it. It's a small price
to pay to make our dream come true.

I'm doing this to pay down some debt.
I'm in real deep because of PowerBall.

-Dude, how did you get through?
-I went to Harvard.

I'm like crazy good at math.

She's making me nervous,
close the curtain.

And, frankly, I'm a little resentful.
I didn't get into Harvard.

Are you sure you're okay with this?
You seem jumpy.

No, I'm fine.
They're just taking a little blood.

Or from the looks of it,
they're taking all of it.

There better be a nice juice
and a cookie after this.

Please relax. It's only eight vials.

They gotta take a lot
to make sure they don't get a kid...

...with another kid growing out of it.

Max, this all just got very real.
Hold my hand.

-You know I don't hold hands.
-Oh. You lesbians are so high-maintenance.

Please?

You don't think
I'm gonna give away my best egg?

I'm not gonna give away
the concert pianist...

...and get stuck with the guy who breaks
into homes and smells underwear?

Either way,
you got a kid with a passion.

-You don't have to do this.
-No, I can do this. It's for our dream.

-You don't have to do this.
-I can. Put it in.

-It's already in.
-I can't do this.

I'm not trashy.
I'm not some farm animal.

Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I'm so, so sorry.

You know what'd be cute here?
A cupcake store.

Hi, Max. It's chilly outside.

Nipples everywhere.

Have a seat, I'll be right over.

Oh, that's okay,
I texted my order in on the way.

Hey, baby. I got your text.

-Did you get my erotic haiku?
-I did.

Did you get the picture I sent
of me and the Dustbuster?

No, I didn't.

Oh, no! Grandpa Yorgish!

-Look, Earl framed our blurb.
-He did? That is so sweet.

What?

I always saw it as bigger,
on the wall in our shop.

Look, the shop is an amazing idea...

...and if it's not that space right now,
it'll be another.

I mean, there have to be
mass murders all over Brooklyn, right?

If we're lucky.

And even if it didn't work out...

...it's still the closest I've ever come
to something great. And that's cool.

And someday we'll find someone
crazy enough to lend us money.

If you can convince me
to believe a dream, you can get anyone.

OLEG:
Pick up.

(RINGS BELL)

Here you go, Sophie. That's 11.25.

Oh, you take a check, right?

This is for $20,000.

Oh, is it? I thought it was for 20.

Oh, well, keep it.

Maybe you could use it for your dream,
or to get your legs waxed or something.

-Sophie, are you serious?
-Yes.

Sophie, this is really, really amazing.

Oh, come on, I don't need a parade.

Just keep the cupcakes coming.

Max, do you know what this means?

We are going to be
a Williamsburg must-have.

We're getting our dream.

-I feel like you want a hug.
-I do.

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