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Welcome to "Mayor Chat."
2
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I'm Chet Danville outside the home
3
00:00:07,094 --> 00:00:08,791
of Mayor-For-Now, Neil Bremer,
4
00:00:08,834 --> 00:00:11,837
for some good,
old-fashioned field reporting.
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00:00:11,881 --> 00:00:13,187
- Journalism!
- Oh, jeez!
6
00:00:13,230 --> 00:00:14,710
Dan, it's okay. He's harmless.
7
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Tell that to the mice in my lemon tree.
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Mayor Bremer, on the brink
of an historic recall,
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do you care to comment on DaughterGate?
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Your own daughter is supporting Titi B.
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Whip pan!
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00:00:28,767 --> 00:00:29,768
Oh, this is great.
13
00:00:29,812 --> 00:00:32,119
This is great TV. Look at his face.
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Orly, you're team Titi,
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and you put a bumper sticker on a lease?
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I'm sorry, Dad.
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But supporting her
is the only way to get access
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00:00:39,430 --> 00:00:41,128
to her exclusive emoji pack.
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Okay, I guarantee you
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Titi B. does not want my job.
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The office Wi-Fi never has
more than two bars.
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If Titi B. is still
in this race tomorrow,
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I'll buy you a car.
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Oh, wait. I already did.
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You said it was a lease.
Were you lying, Mr. Mayor?
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Come on, Chet, no, get that... Oh, stop.
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- Synced and corrected by synk -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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Hey, cubs.
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I'm coming to you from my CryoPartment,
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the only cryo chamber designed
for teens by teens.
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Now I know I promised a big announcement
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in today's livestream,
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and you guys...
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I've signed a deal with Netflix!
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Obvs this means
I won't be able to do mayor,
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but like, shouldn't I play
Eleanor Reagan
37
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in a movie or something?
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Also, I think this CryoPartment
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just cured my ADHD.
40
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I knew it.
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I knew she'd get distracted
by something shiny.
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Way to shame her for her ADHD, Dad.
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I gotta get Tommy over here.
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Our whole debate strategy just changed.
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Consult a physician if your
blood completely freezes.
46
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Alexa, call Jaden.
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We got a real debate on our hands!
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Calling Jaden,
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because people walk all over me.
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Good morning, fellow colleagues.
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Likewise, colleague.
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Oh, my God, this might be
worse than the flirting.
53
00:02:01,077 --> 00:02:02,426
No, wait. Nothing's worse than that.
54
00:02:02,470 --> 00:02:04,254
I bet you can't pick me up.
55
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- I bet I can.
- No, I bet you... oh, my God!
56
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James, you're so strong!
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Now that we're actually dating,
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we're just trying
to be professional, Thomas.
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Ugh.
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00:02:15,483 --> 00:02:16,614
Good morning, sir.
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Look, I'm gonna be out of the office
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prepping for the debate today.
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So I need you to hold down the fort.
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On it, sir... I will hold down
this fort like...
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Oh, who's that guy from history?
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He had a hat. I wanna say Texas...
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Yeah, okay. We both got busy days.
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Where's your fridge?
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I don't eat anything
that requires refrigeration.
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00:02:35,807 --> 00:02:38,288
Now focus up. Without that Gen Z Barbie
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00:02:38,332 --> 00:02:40,899
on stage, we can actually
have a substantive debate
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00:02:40,943 --> 00:02:43,206
where I give Mayor Bremer
a fact-based smackdown.
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Yeah, it's just that debates
aren't actually won on facts.
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It's about perception.
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Like most voters,
I just scroll through my phone,
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see who's smiling,
who's got a bug on their head.
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To quote Thomas Jefferson...
Problematic...
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"An informed citizenry
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is at the heart of a dynamic democracy."
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Boring. Change the channel.
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So you want me
to get up there, and what,
82
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smile and talk about nothing?
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00:03:02,312 --> 00:03:04,314
You're the one
who asked me to rebrand you.
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00:03:04,358 --> 00:03:05,924
Like Dunkin' or Maleficent.
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00:03:05,968 --> 00:03:08,579
If you go on TV dressed
like the meanest newsie,
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00:03:08,623 --> 00:03:10,668
and start handing out
fact-based smackdowns,
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00:03:10,712 --> 00:03:12,844
then you're just back to the
old Arpi who loses elections.
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I've always refused to play this game.
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But I've never been this close to glory.
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Let's do this, Kwapis.
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Tart me up and dumb me down.
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When I'm done with you,
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you're gonna stop getting your mail
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'cause your mailman won't recognize you.
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He'll think you moved.
He'll have to take it back.
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When Titi B. was running,
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no one could think about anything else.
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Like when there's
a bird in the food court.
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Now we can focus on who is actually
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most qualified for the job.
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Uh, we do need to be careful there.
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If we engage with Arpi in actual debate,
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you're gonna look like a lightweight.
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Hey. I know the issues.
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Mr. Mayor, do you think everyone in L.A.
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should be on a time-of-use
variable utility rate,
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or do you stand
by the current tiered system?
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00:03:56,192 --> 00:03:57,715
Thank you for that question.
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The tiered system...
Well, I just spoke with...
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00:04:00,979 --> 00:04:02,154
Oh, shoot, uh...
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00:04:03,721 --> 00:04:06,289
Is this the image you want
to project on stage today?
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00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:09,901
I look like my grandfather
trying to set a digital watch.
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Right, which is why we're not
going to engage on the issues.
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This is an oppo-research dossier
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that I prepared on Arpi.
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Arrests for civil disobedience,
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credit reports,
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a photo of her attacking Dick Cheney
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that looks like
she's trying to hug him...
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God, you know... Absolutely not.
121
00:04:26,048 --> 00:04:28,572
Say what you will about Arpi Meskimen...
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Her hair is a step back for women.
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00:04:30,139 --> 00:04:32,359
Her style inspiration is
hardware-store Rumpelstiltskin.
124
00:04:32,402 --> 00:04:33,708
But she's a straight shooter.
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00:04:33,751 --> 00:04:35,536
She's not gonna play games.
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00:04:35,579 --> 00:04:37,842
And as long as I look like this...
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I don't have to either.
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00:04:42,630 --> 00:04:44,022
I don't know what I did.
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00:04:44,066 --> 00:04:46,851
But still, good lookin' cat.
130
00:04:46,895 --> 00:04:49,332
So what do you have to do today?
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Award key to the city
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00:04:50,986 --> 00:04:53,771
to guy who convinced
Elon Musk to move to Texas...
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00:04:53,815 --> 00:04:55,730
- Oh, yeah.
- Hand out, uh...
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00:04:55,773 --> 00:04:57,558
What are centenarian certificates?
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00:04:57,601 --> 00:04:59,429
Oh, Angelenos that turn 100
136
00:04:59,473 --> 00:05:01,910
get a certificate from the mayor...
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00:05:01,953 --> 00:05:03,303
who's not here today.
138
00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:04,391
Oh, that's so sad.
139
00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:05,870
Maybe we should reschedule?
140
00:05:05,914 --> 00:05:08,351
- Ah, that feels... risky.
- Yeah, better get them in.
141
00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:11,136
So do you wanna grab a bite later?
142
00:05:12,399 --> 00:05:15,445
Maybe some place quiet
where we can talk?
143
00:05:15,489 --> 00:05:16,620
Talk?
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00:05:16,664 --> 00:05:18,622
Ms. Shaw, your 11:00.
145
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Okay, great.
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00:05:23,018 --> 00:05:24,672
Oh, I'm sorry.
147
00:05:24,715 --> 00:05:26,587
I'm supposed to meet
with some 100-year-olds.
148
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You guys look 80, tops.
149
00:05:29,285 --> 00:05:31,853
Oh, this is so exciting.
150
00:05:31,896 --> 00:05:35,073
I never get out, except
for doctor's appointments,
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00:05:35,117 --> 00:05:38,860
funerals, and when I just
wake up at the bus station.
152
00:05:38,903 --> 00:05:41,645
And now I get to meet the mayor!
153
00:05:41,689 --> 00:05:44,692
- Which of you is Mayor Bremer?
- Oh...
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00:05:46,911 --> 00:05:49,349
Uh, Mayor Nell Bremer.
155
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It's spelled wrong on the door.
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Government work, am I right?
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Hello.
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Hey.
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00:06:07,976 --> 00:06:09,760
Is that...
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00:06:09,804 --> 00:06:10,805
Arpi?
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00:06:10,848 --> 00:06:13,111
Okay. Unexpected.
162
00:06:13,155 --> 00:06:15,200
Jayden convinced her to soften her look.
163
00:06:15,244 --> 00:06:16,376
Who knew that was in there?
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Ms. Meskimen,
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how can you expect to be mayor
of the City of Angels
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with a butt like the devil?
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Oh, you.
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"Oh, you?"
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This is the woman who Spider-Man'd up
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00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:28,344
an unfinished high-rise
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00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,868
to yell at a construction
worker who whistled at her.
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00:06:30,912 --> 00:06:32,392
Exactly, sir. That's still Arpi
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00:06:32,435 --> 00:06:33,610
underneath that skirt suit.
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00:06:33,654 --> 00:06:35,307
You need to get
the real Arpi to come out.
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00:06:35,351 --> 00:06:37,658
Like when you feed
a real housewife eight rosés.
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Oh, this?
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00:06:42,010 --> 00:06:43,838
Okay, maybe just leave it with me.
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00:06:43,881 --> 00:06:45,579
End her.
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00:06:50,322 --> 00:06:53,195
Welcome to the Los Angeles
Mayoral Recall Debate.
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I'm Chet Danville.
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00:06:54,631 --> 00:06:55,893
Let's jump right in.
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Homelessness used to be
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a reliable staple of sitcom hijinks.
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00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:01,551
Gas Mask Reggie,
185
00:07:01,595 --> 00:07:03,466
how do we fix it
so it can be funny again?
186
00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:05,686
Chet, this is my tenth campaign,
187
00:07:05,729 --> 00:07:07,470
and my platform has not changed.
188
00:07:07,514 --> 00:07:09,559
By the time you need a gas mask,
189
00:07:09,603 --> 00:07:11,169
it will be too late.
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00:07:11,213 --> 00:07:13,128
I cede the remainder of my time.
191
00:07:15,870 --> 00:07:18,002
Great stuff as always, Reggie.
192
00:07:18,046 --> 00:07:19,526
Former Mayor Victor Delgado.
193
00:07:19,569 --> 00:07:21,919
I am back, healthy, and ready
to serve the city again.
194
00:07:21,963 --> 00:07:24,182
Same question to you.
195
00:07:24,226 --> 00:07:26,707
No, I can't do this.
196
00:07:26,750 --> 00:07:28,448
Sorry. Sorry, everyone.
197
00:07:29,753 --> 00:07:31,538
And just like that,
it's a three-way race.
198
00:07:31,581 --> 00:07:32,843
Deputy Mayor Arpi Meskimen.
199
00:07:32,887 --> 00:07:34,541
Homelessness. Go.
200
00:07:39,284 --> 00:07:40,721
L.A.
201
00:07:40,764 --> 00:07:42,940
Where else can you go
to the beach and the mountains
202
00:07:42,984 --> 00:07:45,639
on the same day? Am I right?
203
00:07:47,336 --> 00:07:48,424
Whoo!
204
00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:53,124
"Mayor Bremer."
205
00:07:53,168 --> 00:07:55,562
Same question.
206
00:07:55,605 --> 00:07:57,694
I have a better question, Chet.
207
00:07:57,738 --> 00:07:59,304
How can you trust a woman...
208
00:07:59,348 --> 00:08:00,958
Well said.
209
00:08:01,002 --> 00:08:05,986
Who'd run for mayor against
the very man who hired her?
210
00:08:07,965 --> 00:08:09,619
There you go again.
211
00:08:09,663 --> 00:08:11,186
No, no, no, no, come on.
212
00:08:11,229 --> 00:08:13,318
Let's not forget about all the promises
213
00:08:13,362 --> 00:08:14,929
she's made over the years:
214
00:08:14,972 --> 00:08:17,409
making L.A. carbon-neutral,
215
00:08:17,453 --> 00:08:19,237
freeing the zoo animals,
216
00:08:19,281 --> 00:08:22,197
getting the porn industry
to shoot on film again.
217
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:23,546
I mean, has any of that happened?
218
00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:24,591
No.
219
00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:26,549
It's all digital and you can tell.
220
00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:28,420
It's ruined storytelling.
221
00:08:31,641 --> 00:08:33,513
Oh. Never done a fist pump before.
222
00:08:33,556 --> 00:08:34,862
It's easy.
223
00:08:34,905 --> 00:08:36,951
- Ms. Meskimen, your response?
- You know, Chet?
224
00:08:36,994 --> 00:08:39,780
I'll tell you a little
something about loyalty.
225
00:08:42,260 --> 00:08:43,958
Go L.A. sports!
226
00:08:46,917 --> 00:08:49,616
Chet, Chet, you can't bring props.
227
00:08:49,659 --> 00:08:52,619
You cannot bring props...
228
00:08:52,662 --> 00:08:54,621
I guess the biggest question is:
229
00:08:54,664 --> 00:08:57,798
what do I do after being the
youngest mayor in L.A. history?
230
00:08:57,841 --> 00:08:59,147
Okay, thank you all
231
00:08:59,190 --> 00:09:02,019
for stopping by.
See you all again at 200.
232
00:09:02,063 --> 00:09:03,804
I used to work in this building.
233
00:09:03,847 --> 00:09:07,024
I met Mayor Bowron here in 1948.
234
00:09:07,068 --> 00:09:09,897
Now I'm meeting you here.
The current mayor.
235
00:09:09,940 --> 00:09:11,507
That's right.
236
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,640
I know it's hard to believe
it happened in your lifetime.
237
00:09:13,683 --> 00:09:15,380
I mean, yes, Obama was first.
238
00:09:15,424 --> 00:09:17,165
But in some ways, this is a bigger deal.
239
00:09:17,208 --> 00:09:18,993
Okay, thank you for coming, sir.
240
00:09:19,036 --> 00:09:20,647
- Thank you.
- Thank you, thank you.
241
00:09:20,690 --> 00:09:22,387
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
242
00:09:22,431 --> 00:09:23,911
What?
243
00:09:23,954 --> 00:09:26,000
I'm not gonna apologize
for brightening up their day.
244
00:09:26,043 --> 00:09:28,350
I mean, Eugene said
I had gams for miles,
245
00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:31,658
and for a second, I was like,
"This old man could get it."
246
00:09:31,701 --> 00:09:33,485
Oh... kay.
247
00:09:33,529 --> 00:09:34,835
Well, back to reality.
248
00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:36,227
I made a dinner reservation,
249
00:09:36,271 --> 00:09:37,664
but can we drive there separately?
250
00:09:37,707 --> 00:09:39,100
I've got a psych-up mix,
251
00:09:39,143 --> 00:09:40,318
and I don't think it's gonna
work if you're there.
252
00:09:40,362 --> 00:09:42,190
Uh, yeah, James, um,
253
00:09:42,233 --> 00:09:44,192
what exactly do we
need to talk about tonight?
254
00:09:44,235 --> 00:09:46,237
'Cause you said "talk" like "talk."
255
00:09:46,281 --> 00:09:48,936
Uh, okay.
256
00:09:48,979 --> 00:09:51,025
So you know I don't actually work here.
257
00:09:51,068 --> 00:09:53,897
- Uh-huh.
- And at some point,
258
00:09:53,941 --> 00:09:56,204
Impactium is gonna put me
on another project,
259
00:09:56,247 --> 00:09:59,207
and they can send me anywhere.
260
00:09:59,250 --> 00:10:00,861
You know, before everything
shut down for COVID,
261
00:10:00,904 --> 00:10:02,384
I spent six months in Kansas City.
262
00:10:02,427 --> 00:10:03,515
On which side?
263
00:10:03,559 --> 00:10:04,691
- Kansas.
- I don't know why I asked.
264
00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:05,735
I don't have an informed opinion.
265
00:10:05,779 --> 00:10:08,564
So I asked my boss
266
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:12,394
if my next assignment could be
in Southern California.
267
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:16,224
Uh, what, because of me?
268
00:10:16,267 --> 00:10:18,661
So we can see where this goes...
269
00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:22,839
- You okay?
- Oh, yes, more than okay.
270
00:10:22,883 --> 00:10:24,972
I am A-okay.
271
00:10:25,015 --> 00:10:26,626
A-okay!
272
00:10:26,669 --> 00:10:28,932
A-A-okay-okay!
273
00:10:28,976 --> 00:10:30,325
Why did I cheer that?
274
00:10:30,368 --> 00:10:31,587
Okay.
275
00:10:34,546 --> 00:10:36,592
Ms. Meskimen,
it is true that you are running
276
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,246
against the administration
that you work for.
277
00:10:38,289 --> 00:10:40,552
What exactly would you do differently?
278
00:10:40,596 --> 00:10:44,426
Well, for starters,
I don't think I'd build
279
00:10:44,469 --> 00:10:46,907
a 20,000-mile-long space elevator.
280
00:10:46,950 --> 00:10:48,865
What's that compensating for?
281
00:10:50,693 --> 00:10:52,347
Probably a small penis.
282
00:10:52,390 --> 00:10:54,218
Sometimes tall guys are like that.
283
00:10:54,262 --> 00:10:56,656
Well, unlike Ms. Meskimen,
284
00:10:56,699 --> 00:11:00,094
I didn't make sexual advances
towards a subordinate
285
00:11:00,137 --> 00:11:02,096
who was then fired.
286
00:11:02,139 --> 00:11:04,141
Are we at Burger King, folks?
287
00:11:04,185 --> 00:11:05,621
'Cause that fib was a whopper.
288
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:07,362
I think we should believe
289
00:11:07,405 --> 00:11:09,799
the victims of workplace harassment.
290
00:11:09,843 --> 00:11:11,540
So do I!
291
00:11:11,583 --> 00:11:13,455
Oh, he's here.
292
00:11:13,498 --> 00:11:14,674
Good job, Tommy.
293
00:11:14,717 --> 00:11:16,240
My name is Patrick Schenk.
294
00:11:16,284 --> 00:11:17,851
I used to film city council meetings,
295
00:11:17,894 --> 00:11:19,766
but then Deputy Mayor Meskimen
296
00:11:19,809 --> 00:11:21,637
kissed me in a parking lot,
297
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:22,856
and threw me away
298
00:11:22,899 --> 00:11:24,945
like a remote control shark balloon
299
00:11:24,988 --> 00:11:28,426
that breaks one second
after you assemble it!
300
00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:33,415
And she did it at Christmas.
301
00:11:33,518 --> 00:11:36,739
We'll be right back after
a full episode of "Scrubs."
302
00:11:36,783 --> 00:11:38,175
Our scheduling guy made a mistake.
303
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:41,831
He's lying!
304
00:11:41,875 --> 00:11:42,876
Patrick didn't get fired,
305
00:11:42,919 --> 00:11:44,442
'cause he didn't work at city hall!
306
00:11:44,486 --> 00:11:45,705
He was a stalker.
307
00:11:45,748 --> 00:11:47,619
That doesn't matter.
308
00:11:47,663 --> 00:11:49,709
What matters is
that you look like a winner.
309
00:11:49,752 --> 00:11:51,406
"L.A. Weekly" has
a "who wore it better?"
310
00:11:51,449 --> 00:11:52,799
with you and Lisa Vanderpump.
311
00:11:52,842 --> 00:11:55,584
And you now have a page
on celebrityankles.net.
312
00:11:55,627 --> 00:11:56,977
I just can't believe they'd go low.
313
00:11:57,020 --> 00:11:59,457
Tommy talks more trash
than Oscar the Grouch.
314
00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:00,937
But I have a move up my sleeve
315
00:12:00,981 --> 00:12:02,765
that'll make Oscar
look like freakin' Elmo.
316
00:12:02,809 --> 00:12:04,680
I didn't know you had it in you, Kwapis.
317
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,377
- The dirty tricks.
- I don't like it,
318
00:12:06,421 --> 00:12:08,553
but I am a student of Nixon.
319
00:12:08,597 --> 00:12:09,946
Cynthia Nixon.
320
00:12:09,990 --> 00:12:12,122
You remember when she ran
for governor of New York?
321
00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:15,343
I only went negative to win,
and I am not winning.
322
00:12:15,386 --> 00:12:17,084
Sir, Arpi can't keep this up.
323
00:12:17,127 --> 00:12:18,912
It's like when I tried
to date women in college.
324
00:12:18,955 --> 00:12:20,261
Sure, you can fake it
for a couple weeks,
325
00:12:20,304 --> 00:12:21,828
but eventually they want
more than just cuddling
326
00:12:21,871 --> 00:12:23,438
and listening to the London
cast recording of "Les Mis,"
327
00:12:23,481 --> 00:12:24,744
and then you snap.
328
00:12:24,787 --> 00:12:26,484
I don't have wigs, Tommy.
329
00:12:26,528 --> 00:12:29,400
I need a knockout punch now!
330
00:12:29,444 --> 00:12:30,619
Hey, kiddo.
331
00:12:30,662 --> 00:12:32,490
Wow, Dad. I can't even watch this.
332
00:12:32,534 --> 00:12:34,579
"Scrubs?" It was a hit, honey.
333
00:12:34,623 --> 00:12:36,320
No, "Scrubs" is funny and touching,
334
00:12:36,364 --> 00:12:37,495
and Neil Flynn is a treasure.
335
00:12:37,539 --> 00:12:39,454
Just... How could you go so negative?
336
00:12:39,497 --> 00:12:40,847
Well, what about Arpi?
337
00:12:40,890 --> 00:12:42,805
Her hair looks different,
and she's smiling.
338
00:12:42,849 --> 00:12:43,980
Yeah, and meanwhile,
339
00:12:44,024 --> 00:12:45,677
you're just being a bully
and a muckraker.
340
00:12:45,721 --> 00:12:47,070
I think you mean a mudslinger.
341
00:12:47,114 --> 00:12:48,463
Mudslinger, fine.
342
00:12:48,506 --> 00:12:50,595
You just love undercutting
women, don't you?
343
00:12:50,639 --> 00:12:52,293
Mud.
344
00:12:52,336 --> 00:12:54,121
Arpi's dysentery initiative.
345
00:12:54,164 --> 00:12:57,037
Yeah, everything great
from your office came from her.
346
00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:59,474
Banning oil drilling,
ADU's for the unhoused,
347
00:12:59,517 --> 00:13:00,910
family planning for coyotes...
348
00:13:00,954 --> 00:13:03,478
I know how to break Arpi.
349
00:13:04,740 --> 00:13:06,220
Tommy, I've got a situation here.
350
00:13:06,263 --> 00:13:08,526
James asked his firm to keep him in L.A.
351
00:13:08,570 --> 00:13:10,528
For, like, us.
352
00:13:10,572 --> 00:13:11,616
Oh. Wow.
353
00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:12,792
Right? I mean,
354
00:13:12,835 --> 00:13:14,794
I wanna see where this goes, sure.
355
00:13:14,837 --> 00:13:17,187
But he's making career
decisions because of me?
356
00:13:17,231 --> 00:13:19,189
And he moved in with his ex
after only three months.
357
00:13:19,233 --> 00:13:21,061
I mean, are big gestures,
like, his thing?
358
00:13:21,104 --> 00:13:23,063
Because big-gesture guys suck!
359
00:13:23,106 --> 00:13:25,282
My college boyfriend
filled my dorm room with doves.
360
00:13:25,326 --> 00:13:26,675
They gave me SARS.
361
00:13:26,718 --> 00:13:28,720
Okay, so you'd rather James did nothing?
362
00:13:28,764 --> 00:13:30,374
No, nothing guys are worse.
363
00:13:30,418 --> 00:13:32,550
This guy I dated in Silver Lake
just walked away
364
00:13:32,594 --> 00:13:35,292
when I got caught sneaking
his pot into a Phish concert.
365
00:13:35,336 --> 00:13:38,165
He sounds white.
So what exactly do you want?
366
00:13:38,208 --> 00:13:40,384
I just want...
367
00:13:40,428 --> 00:13:42,778
Have you ever seen Whitney
Houston in "The Bodyguard"?
368
00:13:42,803 --> 00:13:44,817
Oh, okay. So you just want someone
to take a bullet for you.
369
00:13:44,842 --> 00:13:46,365
I mean, yes.
370
00:13:46,390 --> 00:13:49,872
Something spontaneous
that is 1,000% for me!
371
00:13:49,916 --> 00:13:51,178
I mean, Micah put those doves
372
00:13:51,221 --> 00:13:52,832
in my room when I was sleeping, Tommy.
373
00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:54,703
I rolled over and popped one.
374
00:13:54,746 --> 00:13:55,747
It sounded like a bag of chips,
375
00:13:55,791 --> 00:13:56,879
and I woke up eating it...
376
00:13:56,923 --> 00:13:58,228
Okay. I'm in the middle of a debate.
377
00:13:58,272 --> 00:13:59,882
Yeah, tell Mayor Bremer
he's gotta change it up.
378
00:13:59,926 --> 00:14:01,144
Just talk about job numbers,
379
00:14:01,188 --> 00:14:02,450
and how great the weather has been.
380
00:14:02,493 --> 00:14:03,843
Also tell Arpi if she's looking
381
00:14:03,886 --> 00:14:06,236
for a chief of staff
with experience that I...
382
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:07,934
Hello?
383
00:14:09,283 --> 00:14:10,675
There she is.
384
00:14:10,719 --> 00:14:12,373
That's the woman who's been
impersonating the mayor.
385
00:14:14,288 --> 00:14:17,030
You think I didn't know who
the mayor was because I'm old?
386
00:14:17,073 --> 00:14:19,597
I'm old because
I've been outsmarting death
387
00:14:19,641 --> 00:14:20,642
for 100 years!
388
00:14:20,685 --> 00:14:22,905
That's a weird thing to say.
389
00:14:22,949 --> 00:14:24,602
I used to work in the DA's office,
390
00:14:24,646 --> 00:14:27,518
and California penal code number 529
391
00:14:27,562 --> 00:14:31,261
makes it a felony to
impersonate a public official.
392
00:14:31,305 --> 00:14:33,568
God, I missed this!
393
00:14:35,526 --> 00:14:36,701
Mayor Bremer.
394
00:14:36,745 --> 00:14:39,617
During "Scrubs,"
I misplaced my questions.
395
00:14:39,661 --> 00:14:41,271
Is there anything you'd like to ask me?
396
00:14:41,315 --> 00:14:43,447
There is, Chet.
397
00:14:43,491 --> 00:14:45,667
I'd like to ask you to ask me
398
00:14:45,710 --> 00:14:48,017
what achievements I'm most proud of.
399
00:14:48,061 --> 00:14:50,019
What achievements are you most proud of?
400
00:14:50,063 --> 00:14:51,233
Thank you.
401
00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:53,066
Great question, Chet.
402
00:14:53,109 --> 00:14:56,634
As you know,
I've taken on the oil industry.
403
00:14:56,678 --> 00:14:58,898
I banned drilling in the city,
404
00:14:58,941 --> 00:15:00,856
and I'm working on ending the practice
405
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,945
off our beautiful beaches as well.
406
00:15:02,989 --> 00:15:05,948
And I made it possible
for coyotes to have sex
407
00:15:05,992 --> 00:15:08,820
for pleasure, and not just reproduction.
408
00:15:08,864 --> 00:15:10,953
And when I return to office,
409
00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:14,783
I will initiate a program
to mitigate urban dysentery,
410
00:15:14,826 --> 00:15:16,828
or M.U.D. for short.
411
00:15:16,872 --> 00:15:17,873
You son of a bitch!
412
00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:21,659
Diarrhea's mine, Bremer.
413
00:15:21,703 --> 00:15:23,226
All those ideas are mine.
414
00:15:23,270 --> 00:15:25,576
Then why haven't we heard a single idea
415
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:27,317
from you all night, Meskimen?
416
00:15:27,361 --> 00:15:28,971
Because I want these morons to like me!
417
00:15:30,103 --> 00:15:31,756
I put on this whole stupid costume
418
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,845
to play a game that makes me sick!
419
00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:36,848
Well, enough! This isn't me.
420
00:15:36,892 --> 00:15:38,328
This isn't my hair!
421
00:15:40,330 --> 00:15:42,419
Yeah, that's gonna be the photo.
422
00:15:42,463 --> 00:15:45,292
This is me!
423
00:15:45,335 --> 00:15:48,512
If you don't like it, don't vote for me.
424
00:15:48,556 --> 00:15:49,949
Fine, I won't.
425
00:15:49,992 --> 00:15:51,341
Dodgers suck!
426
00:15:55,084 --> 00:15:57,869
Yeah!
427
00:15:57,913 --> 00:16:00,394
Good race, Jayden. I had fun.
428
00:16:00,437 --> 00:16:01,438
It's not over yet.
429
00:16:01,482 --> 00:16:03,005
I still have an October surprise.
430
00:16:03,049 --> 00:16:04,964
Even though it's...
Wait, what month is it?
431
00:16:06,657 --> 00:16:08,268
Not that. I don't know what that is.
432
00:16:08,293 --> 00:16:09,421
That seems bad.
433
00:16:09,446 --> 00:16:11,013
Oh, my God.
434
00:16:11,057 --> 00:16:14,538
Is anyone else, like,
so tired of these two?
435
00:16:19,761 --> 00:16:21,197
Okay, sir.
436
00:16:21,241 --> 00:16:23,330
I think there must be some mistake here.
437
00:16:23,373 --> 00:16:25,027
A mistake you're gonna have
plenty of time
438
00:16:25,071 --> 00:16:27,334
to think about in jail!
439
00:16:27,377 --> 00:16:29,249
Or community service.
440
00:16:29,292 --> 00:16:32,556
Look, Ms. Shaw, he's making a complaint.
441
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:34,123
I gotta take it down.
442
00:16:34,167 --> 00:16:35,907
Seriously? Okay, no.
443
00:16:35,951 --> 00:16:37,692
This is getting out of hand. I-I...
444
00:16:37,735 --> 00:16:39,868
Granddaddy! There you are.
445
00:16:39,911 --> 00:16:41,043
Hey, get off me, man.
446
00:16:41,087 --> 00:16:43,045
What? You don't know me?
447
00:16:43,089 --> 00:16:44,829
It's Ernie. It's Ruthie's son.
448
00:16:44,873 --> 00:16:47,484
He keeps wandering off quoting
old "Law and Order" episodes.
449
00:16:47,528 --> 00:16:49,443
He's watched so much,
he thinks he's a lawyer.
450
00:16:49,486 --> 00:16:50,661
I am a lawyer.
451
00:16:50,705 --> 00:16:52,054
Let's get you home, Gramps.
452
00:16:52,098 --> 00:16:53,447
I drove myself here!
453
00:16:53,490 --> 00:16:54,491
Officer, he was there!
454
00:16:54,535 --> 00:16:55,753
The son of a bitch was in on it!
455
00:16:55,797 --> 00:16:57,059
I believe you, sir,
456
00:16:57,103 --> 00:16:58,930
and I'm gonna get
Detectives Benson and Stabler
457
00:16:58,974 --> 00:17:00,062
to deal with it.
458
00:17:00,106 --> 00:17:02,021
Don't leave me with these lunatics!
459
00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:03,805
I'm sorry, sir. So, so, so sorry.
460
00:17:03,848 --> 00:17:04,936
Thank you for your service.
461
00:17:04,980 --> 00:17:06,242
I'll be waiting for you in hell.
462
00:17:08,853 --> 00:17:10,420
Please don't look at me, Mikaela.
463
00:17:10,464 --> 00:17:12,422
That was awful...
464
00:17:12,466 --> 00:17:15,425
Okay, if your kink is me
gaslighting the elderly,
465
00:17:15,450 --> 00:17:16,506
I can work with that.
466
00:17:16,531 --> 00:17:19,448
No, you took a bullet for me.
467
00:17:19,473 --> 00:17:22,041
I'm Whitney and you're Kevin Costner.
468
00:17:22,084 --> 00:17:24,521
Yes, I get that all the time.
469
00:17:24,565 --> 00:17:27,481
You should stay in L.A.
470
00:17:27,524 --> 00:17:28,917
Are you sure?
471
00:17:32,211 --> 00:17:34,357
Hey! You withdrew!
472
00:17:34,401 --> 00:17:36,272
You can't just show up at the end.
473
00:17:36,316 --> 00:17:38,535
My generation views work differently.
474
00:17:38,579 --> 00:17:41,625
We make our own hours, and we
don't believe in hierarchies.
475
00:17:41,669 --> 00:17:43,758
That explains why my interns bully me.
476
00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:46,108
So I'm, like, back. And guess what?
477
00:17:46,152 --> 00:17:47,849
Netflix loved
that I was running for mayor,
478
00:17:47,892 --> 00:17:49,720
so that's the show
they wanna do with me.
479
00:17:49,764 --> 00:17:51,505
You guys will watch that, right?
480
00:17:54,247 --> 00:17:56,553
So vote Titi B. Or else I'll have to run
481
00:17:56,597 --> 00:17:58,773
for mayor in my safety city, Denver.
482
00:17:58,816 --> 00:18:00,166
They said they'd hold
the position open for me,
483
00:18:00,209 --> 00:18:02,646
but you guys are my first choice.
484
00:18:06,955 --> 00:18:08,826
That concludes
the main portion of the debate.
485
00:18:08,870 --> 00:18:09,914
We'll be right back...
486
00:18:11,177 --> 00:18:14,441
After I answer this call from my doctor.
487
00:18:14,484 --> 00:18:15,616
Chet Danville here.
488
00:18:15,641 --> 00:18:16,653
Why are you crying?
489
00:18:19,663 --> 00:18:21,012
And that's a wrap
490
00:18:21,056 --> 00:18:23,885
on Mayor Shaw's
successful term in office.
491
00:18:23,928 --> 00:18:25,669
Russian hackers
did take over the subway,
492
00:18:25,713 --> 00:18:27,454
but there was no one on it, so.
493
00:18:27,497 --> 00:18:28,846
I just got my next assignment.
494
00:18:28,890 --> 00:18:29,891
Please don't tell me
495
00:18:29,934 --> 00:18:31,066
it's in Palm Springs.
496
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,590
My hair gets so dry in the desert.
497
00:18:33,634 --> 00:18:36,071
Dubai.
498
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:38,334
The place from "Mission
Impossible: Ghost Protocol"?
499
00:18:38,378 --> 00:18:41,207
But I thought you told them
you wanted to stay here.
500
00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:42,643
Yeah, I requested that.
501
00:18:42,686 --> 00:18:45,515
But they send me where they need me.
502
00:18:45,559 --> 00:18:46,908
Wow.
503
00:18:46,951 --> 00:18:49,954
I guess this really is "The Bodyguard."
504
00:18:49,998 --> 00:18:52,305
I continue rocketing to
the top, looking amazing,
505
00:18:52,348 --> 00:18:56,091
and you have to move on
to your next assignment.
506
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,398
I mean, you're not gonna quit for me.
507
00:19:00,095 --> 00:19:04,230
Well, I guess it's a good
thing we got the news so early.
508
00:19:05,535 --> 00:19:08,190
No time for anyone
to catch feelings, right?
509
00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:10,540
Right.
510
00:19:12,063 --> 00:19:14,849
It's nice working with you, Mikaela.
511
00:19:14,892 --> 00:19:16,329
Likewise, James.
512
00:19:20,594 --> 00:19:21,812
Hey, now, where are you going?
513
00:19:21,856 --> 00:19:23,205
We still have closing statements.
514
00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:24,554
Oh, no, I'm good.
515
00:19:24,598 --> 00:19:28,819
Hey, this isn't
just about you, little missy!
516
00:19:28,863 --> 00:19:31,953
The people of Los Angeles deserve better
517
00:19:31,996 --> 00:19:33,998
than an Instagram shoe person
518
00:19:34,042 --> 00:19:36,131
who changes their mind
every two seconds.
519
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:38,960
I'm not just a shoe person.
520
00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:41,267
I also have a line of conflict jewelry.
521
00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:42,920
Warlord: teach the controversy,
522
00:19:42,964 --> 00:19:44,095
- wear the controversy.
- Mm-hmm.
523
00:19:44,139 --> 00:19:46,010
And I didn't just change my mind.
524
00:19:46,054 --> 00:19:47,708
This is always my move.
525
00:19:47,751 --> 00:19:48,752
I say I'm not coming,
526
00:19:48,796 --> 00:19:49,797
and then I show up super late
527
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:50,972
when there's already drama,
528
00:19:51,015 --> 00:19:52,800
and everyone's just psyched to see me.
529
00:19:52,843 --> 00:19:53,931
It's how I roll at parties,
530
00:19:53,975 --> 00:19:56,064
movie premieres, and Thanksgiving.
531
00:19:56,107 --> 00:19:58,414
My family's Palestinian,
so there's always something,
532
00:19:58,458 --> 00:19:59,633
but it's usually Israel.
533
00:19:59,676 --> 00:20:01,504
You planned this.
534
00:20:01,548 --> 00:20:03,027
You let us tear each other apart,
535
00:20:03,071 --> 00:20:05,639
so you could swoop in and be the hero?
536
00:20:05,682 --> 00:20:06,727
It's rope-a-dope!
537
00:20:06,770 --> 00:20:09,295
And we're the dopes!
538
00:20:09,338 --> 00:20:10,687
Peace be with you.
539
00:20:10,731 --> 00:20:13,124
Hey, this conversation's
not over, young lady...
540
00:20:13,168 --> 00:20:15,257
- Hey! Get...
- Let's go. Get the car ready.
541
00:20:15,301 --> 00:20:16,780
God, darn it.
542
00:20:16,824 --> 00:20:19,392
Well, looks like I'm getting
a disease named after me.
543
00:20:19,435 --> 00:20:21,307
You guys ready for closing statements?
544
00:20:22,873 --> 00:20:25,441
Oh! Welcome back!
545
00:20:27,443 --> 00:20:29,271
There he is.
546
00:20:29,315 --> 00:20:30,620
My October surprise.
547
00:20:30,664 --> 00:20:33,580
Well, hello, Mr. Mayor.
548
00:20:33,623 --> 00:20:35,016
Do I know you?
549
00:20:35,059 --> 00:20:38,672
Does the name
"Angie Patinkin" ring a bell?
550
00:20:38,715 --> 00:20:42,589
Oh, my word. Um, Angie?
551
00:20:42,632 --> 00:20:45,679
Wow! Uh, when was that?
552
00:20:45,722 --> 00:20:48,508
1965?
553
00:20:48,551 --> 00:20:50,118
You look good.
554
00:20:50,161 --> 00:20:51,946
I'm not Angie, you idiot.
555
00:20:51,989 --> 00:20:53,991
I'm her daughter...
556
00:20:54,035 --> 00:20:56,516
Dad.
557
00:20:59,214 --> 00:21:00,520
What?
558
00:21:00,563 --> 00:21:02,391
Oh, my God.
559
00:21:02,435 --> 00:21:04,001
Cliffhanger.
560
00:21:04,045 --> 00:21:06,395
So who's gonna pay for the
cab I took from Flagstaff?
561
00:21:06,439 --> 00:21:08,049
I don't fly.
562
00:21:08,092 --> 00:21:10,356
Airlines put me on a list,
right, and you know what?
563
00:21:10,399 --> 00:21:11,661
They're on mine!
564
00:21:14,490 --> 00:21:16,971
Hello? This is he.
565
00:21:18,407 --> 00:21:20,235
I won the raffle?
566
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:24,326
Guys, I'm getting' a lizard!
567
00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:28,359
- Synced and corrected by synk -
- www.addic7ed.com -
40533
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