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[THEME SONG - "HAIL TO THE
MUSKRATS"]

THEME SONG: Hail
to the Muskrats!

The mighty, mighty Muskrats.

ERNEST: How ya doing?

THEME SONG: Hail
to the Muskrats.

The mighty, mighty,
daunting muskrats,

Someday the Muskrats prevail.

Here the might warrior goes,
to the C, to the Chickasaw--

Come on, ladies, put
a little effort into it.

THEME SONG:
Chickadee [INAUDIBLE]

[SHOUTS]

(SHAKILY) Whoa!

[BAND PLAYS OFF KEY]

[GROANS]

OK, girls, hit the showers.

TEAM: Yeah!

THEME SONG: Hail
to the Muskrats.

Hail to the Muskrats.

Hail to the Muskrats they do
what all they do the Muskrats.

Cheer for the Muskrats,
we're for the Muskrats.

Hail to the Muskrats!

Wah!

Ow!

Ooch ow!

Ow, ow!
Ow!

Ow ow.

Ooh, Oh ow.

Can anyone [INAUDIBLE]
I need help.

[INAUDIBLE]

Way to hustle
out there Cardell.

Good hit, Raymond.

Fane, Fane, Fane, you gotta
use both hands when you punt.

Spinx, you've got to
keep your eyes open.

You're not seeing your
secondary receiver.

[LAUGHS]

I must be doing something
right, tomato head.

We haven't lost
a game this year.

Yeah, but--

And if we win next week,
we'll be in the district finals.

So when I want your advice,
I'll rattle your cage.

I was just trying to
give you the benefit

of my vast years of experience.

And open my giant storehouse
of football savvy, know I mean?

If you'd like later I could
give you some pointers.

No.

Yeah, a football
field is 100 yards long,

but it's a game of
inches, of mere inches.

Plus football ain't a
sport, football is a art.

And it's all in
the fundamentals,

like blocking and tackling.

Suppose I had this
little problem to tackle.

[WATER DRIPS]

What I need to do is block it.

Then we put the hammer down.

And hold that line.

Yep, the right tool
for the right job

and a firm belief
in the fundamentals.

Yeah, I remember that cold
rainy night when coach Brasswell

walked up to the bench I was
warming and says, (DEEP VOICE)

Crazy Legs, what we
need is a miracle.

Yeah, Coach Brasswell always
knew who to call on when there

was a tough job to be done.

Crazy, he'd say, he
always called me Crazy--

[SCREAMS]

[LAUGHS]

[PIPES CREAK]

Huh?

Uh.

Oh!

Oh, uh.

[SCREAMS]

[WAILS]

[MUSIC - "HAIL TO THE MUSKRATS"]

RODNEY (ON PA): Good
morning, Chickasaw Falls.

Hello, Muskrats.

The question of the day
is who put the snake

in Karen Turpin's locker?

And where is that snake now?

Oh my god, it's huge!

[HISSING]

Can Rodney escape the hideous
clutches of the reptile?

Stay tuned for the
exciting conclusion

of Rodney, King of the Jungle.

[MONKEY SCREECH]

Chickasaw Falls High
School is the glue that holds

our entire community together.

Closing it down now would
be a fatal blow to the town.

I answer to the taxpayers
of the entire district.

And the only way to cut
costs is to consolidate the

obsolete schools like this one.

I realize the
building needs work.

But our students and our
faculty are second to none.

Let's cut to the chase here.

The board is giving
you a four week

probation period to see if
there's anything worth saving.

And personally, I don't see it.

Really?

I think you'll be
surprised what you find.

We are on course to graduate
every senior this year

and that's never been done by
any school in the district.

That reminds me,
Procter, new regulations.

From here on, all
school employees must

have a high school diploma.

No problem there.

Our faculty is fully accredited
and of the highest standards.

You have an Ernest
P. Worrell here.

My records indicate
he never graduated.

Well, yes.

But, but he's not faculty.

You see, he's just--

I don't make the rules.

The regulations
say, all employees.

Here we go.

Excuse me.

Your name wouldn't
be Worrell, would it?

That's me and boy
are you in luck.

You're just in time for
a personal demonstration

of (DEEP VOICE) supremo vac,
the world's most powerful vacuum

cleaner.

Maybe some other time.

(LAUGHING)

Your loss.

[SHRIEKING]

(YELLING) Ernest, turn that
thing off and get in here,

please!

[FAST PACED JAZZ MUSIC]

[BANGING]

[WHIRRING]

A job well done.

[DOOR OPENS]

I'm sorry, sir, it never
acted like that before.

And wouldn't you know it,
it's just out of warranty.

We've got a problem, Ernest.

Oh, the leaky faucet
in the locker room?

Don't worry about it.

It's been taken care of.

Seriously, they've
changed the rules.

All school system employees
must be high school graduates.

Or, or what?

Or you have to go.

But, sir, this is my life.

This is my career.

This is my spiritual
fulfillment.

It's, it's my job.

It's either that or you
have to go back to school.

Oh no!

Not that!

Anything but that!

Not back to school!

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

RODNEY (OVER PA): Good
morning, Chickasaw Falls.

Got something special today.

Got a new student.

A man I like to call Ernest.

Lets all give him a
big Muskrat welcome.

Good morning, ladies.

So you're going
to give it a try?

Yes, sir.

You know what that famous
Dr. Frankenstein said,

a brain is a terrible
thing to waste.

Good morning

Good luck, Ernest.

You can do it, Ernest!

No problemo heir
teacher a-scientificus.

Go ahead.

Don't be late.

Ah, he doesn't stand a chance.

Nah.

Nope.

152, 152, 152.

152!

There you are my
little locker of love!

My little personal port
in a storm of knowledge.

My little sanctuary far away
from the teeming masses.

OK, Ernest, you ready?

Yeah.

Let the games begin.

All right, good luck.

Thanks.

See ya later, okay?

Thanks.

Go get 'em.

Quick review, lets see.

Homeroom, mathematics.

This is supposed
to be memorized, bud.

No, I need that.

What's the matter,
Ernie, did your mommy

hold you back a couple years?

More like a couple
of decades, huh?

Ow.

Here we go.

That's go all my room numbers.

I can't find my way
around without--

Get out of the way, buddy.

That's got my classes on it.

Not too close.

I don't know my
way around, yet.

Come one, guys.

[BELL RINGS]

Please, I I need that.

I get lost, I, I, can't
find my way around.

Hello?

[VOICE ECHOING]

Is anybody there?

Does anybody know
where math class is?

[HORSE NEIGHING]

[WESTERN MUSIC]

[GULPS]

Math class is room 205.

Thanks.

Hey, you'll need a hall pass.

Thanks.

[HORSE WHINNYING]

All right, class.

Blackboard problem.

[DOOR CREAKS LOUDLY]

A produce truck has
a trailer 12 feet wide

by 10 feet high by 20 feet long.

It carries the load
of oranges, which

are packed 48 to the cotton.

Each cotton is one feet
wide by one feet high by two

and 1/2 feet long.

If--

[SHOES SQUEAKING]

--the trailer is fully loaded,
how many oranges does it hold?

Who has the answer?

Anyone?

Yeow!

(LAUGHTER)

All right, Ernest.

Why don't you step
up to the board

and show us all how
to find the answer?

MALE STUDENT: Man,
this ought to be great.

I'd love to.

First, we have to
take into account

that at this time of year the
most likely crop of oranges

are the sweet, juicy
Valencia oranges,

grown mainly in Florida.

If these oranges are picked
by overzealous migrant workers

some of them may be too ripe
and this could lead to spoilage.

[SPURTING]

[LAUGHTER]

Assuming that rot doesn't
spread too quickly,

we could subtract, say,
three oranges per carton

just be on the safe side.

Plus, if there are
any big grapefruit

mixed in there or any of those
big, fat, swollen orchard rats.

Sit.

I'm just getting
to the answer.

These big fat rats they--

Now!

[POPPING]

(ANGRILY) Take
your seat, Ernest.

Sit down.

Be my guest.

Thank you.

Sit, Ernest.

I have told you to
sit, so, please sit!

[RIPS]

[TEACHER YELLS]

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

All right, ladies.

Today we're going to
do a little wrestling.

Who wants to help out?

Worrell.

You just volunteered.

I think not, Coach.

With my extensive
background in the WWF

and since I've seen every single
Wrestlemania since the Hulkster

was defeated by the
Ultimate Warrior,

I hardly think it would be
fair to the other youngsters.

Uh-huh.

Get up there now!

[TEENAGERS CHEERING]

I'll move slowly,
Donald, so you

can observe my cat-like moves.

[LAUGHTER]

Coach Carson, you ready?

[ROARING]

[ROCK MUSIC]

Ay, woah woah!

Yo, where you at?

[ERNEST GROANING]

Hey, he's going to
try the atomic drop.

Yeow!

[STUDENTS CHEERING]

Coach, coach,
I've got him pinned.

Coach!

[COACH CARSON SCREAMS]

Hey, come on, Coach!

Woah!

[ERNEST YELLS]

MALE STUDENT: Yo,
that's gonna hurt, man!

Oh, Earnest,
are you all right?

That last hold
was clearly illegal.

Ah!

(GROANS)

What you're about to see is
for your eyes only, Ernest.

If this experiment fell
into the wrong hands,

world governments
would fall, my friend.

Weapons of mass
destruction could

fall into corrupt
hands and Bobby

and I could lose our jobs.

[PIG SNORTING]

What's that on Mogley's head?

You are about to witness
the trial run of a Nobel prize

winning ticket to the big time!

Bobby.

With the aid of
this device, Ernest,

this lowly beast
should be able to solve

this simple mathematical
problem as easily

as it can count and root.

A four!

Ernest!

Oh, sorry.

Give him another one, Bobby.

[COMPUTER KEYS CLICKING]

Concentrate my little piggy.

Come on, make mama
proud, two plus four is?

Seven?

Why?

We were so close.

Our family names
in the text books.

Why, Bobby?
Why, Bobby?

Why, Bobby?

Why?

Nothing to be
ashamed of, Mogley.

Math was never a good
subject for me either.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

Well, you know,
just tell me about--

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

Ah, puppy love.

These are the moments to be
treasured for a lifetime.

Yeah right.

Maisy doesn't even
know I'm alive.

Well, have you told
her how you feel?

Are you kidding?

I don't even dare say hello.

Well it's probably
best for now.

Your academic pursuits are
the most important things

in these formative years.

Still, the hardened heart
is a lonely traveler.

Should I be writing
this stuff down?

Class, class
settle down please.

Settle down, thank you.

As you all know, the
survival of our school

is somewhat in
question at this time.

Our very existence
may well depend

upon the image we present
to the community at large.

That's why we're fortunate
to have Miss Flugal

as our new band instructor.

[HARP PLAYS]

She has a reputation for
producing the most delightfully

entertaining halftime shows.

I'm sure you'll give her
your complete attention

and cooperation.

Hello, I'm Ms. Flugal.

And I'm looking forward
to getting to know

each and every one of you.

With hard work and enthusiasm I
know we can put this band back

on the map, so to speak.

Man, with this group she
doesn't stand a chance.

So let's get started.

If everyone will please turn
to Strauss' Blue Danube.

And that will give me a sense
of your musicality thus far.

One two three, two two three,
one two three, two two three.

[MUSIC - JOHANN STRAUSS, "THE
BLUE DANUBE"]

[BUBBLES POPPING]

[ERNEST YELLS]

Ernest, snap out of it!

Oh!

[CYMBAL CRASHING]

[ELECTRICITY ZAPPING]

So, by applying exactly
six milliwatts of DC power

from these Duracell batteries,
the frogs leg demonstrates what

we call a galvanic response.

And that's what my
project is about.

Did you hear that, Bobby?

He has been using DC
power but we have been

using AC on the you-know-what.

Good report, kid.

Way to bugs that toad.

This is it, Bobby, this is it.

So, you, kid with the yellow
shirt thing, do yours!

This is the break
through we've been

waiting for all of these years.

If only dad were here to witness
our moment of triumph, yeah?

What?

Eyes up front.

One of our most beloved
American writers is Mark Twain.

His real name is Samuel Clemens.

And a number of his works
are considered classics.

Who can tell me the names
of some of the books

Mark Twain wrote?

[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

Ernest!

- Tom Sawyer?
- No!

Life in the Mississippi?

- No!
- Wizard! of Oz?

No, your hat's on fire!

I thought that was Dr. Seuss.

The fire extinguisher!

[YELLING]

To be blunt, I am very
disappointed in you, Ernest.

It seems like
there's little chance

of you passing your
regular courses much

less the state examination.

Well I realize things
haven't been going too well,

but I'm out of practice.

No, I think we'd be best to
just admit the whole experiment

was a mistake and move on.

You mean, I'm finished?

I'm outta here?

I'm on the streets,
up the creek,

down the road, dropped,
purged, cold, fired, flunked?

Please, don't throw me out.

A deal's a deal.

Please don't make me go.

I know we had a deal, but,
but I can't let that decision

jeopardize the school.

What are you stalling for?

Get rid of this idiot!

He can't cut it.

I can too cut it.

I'll make you proud.

You'll see, but please, please
give me another chance cause,

cause if I don't have this,
I don't have anything.

Well I want to be
fair with you, Ernest.

So I'm giving you one more
week to show some improvement.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Thank you.

I'll do my best and
it'll be good enough.

And everything will
work out, you'll see.

You'll see.

I'm going right now to
study real, real hard.

[DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING]

Get rid of this
idiot, he can't cut it.

I can cut it.

Uh, ah, sure, I've never cut it
before, but anyone can change.

MATH TEACHER: Ernest,
you will answer me now.

Could you repeat the question?

AXWELL: Flunk him.

He can't cut it.

I can, I know I can.

I think I can.

You are such a loser.

You're hopeless.

I'm not.

I can change.

I just need more time.

FEMALE TEACHER 1: What's
the chief export of Guam?

FEMALE TEACHER 2: Who
wrote the autobiography

of Benjamin Franklin?

MALE TEACHER 1: I
must have your paper.

MALE TEACHER 2: Who's
buried in Grant's tomb?

MALE TEACHER 1: Papers.

They're right.

I can't do it.
[KNOCKS]

GERTA: Ernest, in here.

Gerta?

GERTA: Yeah, sure.

- What are you doing in there?
- Sh.

Come.

And don't let anyone see you.

Come.

[MACHINES WHIRRING]

ERNEST: Gosh, these lockers
hold more than I thought.

Ernest, come in.

Come.

Step a little closer.

Come on.

It's OK.

Closer.

Stop.

You've been having some problems
with you school work, yeah?

Bobby and I would like
to make you an offer

that could change your life.

Not to mention the
course of history.

Well, I'm game.

Good because we've
done it, Ernest.

You are looking at the
world's first subatomic brain

accelerator.

And you are the
lucky student who

has been selected by our blue
ribbon panel, me and Bobby,

for the honor of
being our very first--

Guinea pig.

I prefer the term
mental pioneer.

Think of it, Ernest.

All the knowledge in the history
of mankind at your disposal.

Well, gosh do you
think this thing

could help me pass a math test?

Pass a math test?

Pass a math test?

Try rewriting the
theory of relativity.

Well, if you think
it really needs it.

Now you're talking.

OK, the important thing is
that you're comfortable.

Come sit down.

I want to see if it works here.

Yeah?

Yeah, are you comfy?

Mm-hmm.

Good!

Strap him in, Bobby.

All the straps may not
even be necessary, Ernest.

But that's what being a mental
pioneer is all about, isn't it?

Are you ready, Ernest?

Actually I am having
some second thoughts.

Oh! (SHUSHING) No.

Now, Bobby, fire it up.

Now, Ernest, get
ready to become smart.

OK, Bobby, let her rip!

[ELECTRONIC BUZZING]

Ernest, how I envy you.

[ERNEST MAKING UNINTELLIGIBLE
SOUNDS]

Professor, pull it out to
just the left hemisphere.

Uh, Bobby.

Shut it down.

Shut it down!

Ernest?

Oh, Ernest, Ernest, my friend.

Are you in there?

(INTELLIGENTLY) By
saying, are you in there,

you must be making the
philosophical assumption

that I'm a conscious
entity wholly

capable of existing outside the
body you see in front of you.

(ERNEST REGULAR VOICE)
Know what I mean?

It works!

It works!

Oh, Bobby, Bobby,
Bobby, it works!

Am I smart now?

Oh no, not now.

But for a few brief moments
there baby, you were brilliant!

Gosh, fellas, I don't
know how to thank you!

Ah, yeah, nothing.

Listen, you got to get
here bright and early

so that we can load you up.

And if my calculations
are correct,

a normal sized brain
can only maintain

a charge for about three hours.

So in your case, liebchen,
we're looking at 45 minutes

to an hour tops.

Well, gosh, maybe this
means I could pass now.

Just remember,
Ernest, give yourself

plenty of time to recharge
before every class, OK?

Eureka!

[THEME SONG]

RODNEY (ON PA): Good
morning, Chickasaw Falls,

and the countdown is on to
find out who'll be little miss

perfect, the homecoming queen.

Yeah, real excitement
there, with a win

this week we can go to
the district finals.

We can be football heroes!

(CHEERS)

[ERNEST UNINTELLIGIBLE NOISES]

[BELL RINGS]

Right class, who can give
me the answer to the problem I

said for homework?

Come now, surely someone
must have worked it out.

Ernest, all right,
what's your guess?

(INTELLIGENTLY) The answer is
y to the fourth power plus 16y

cubed plus 71y squared minus
4y minus 420 equals zero.

That's right!

Well of course it's right.

(CLASS MURMURING)

Why don't you show
the rest of the class

how you arrived at your answer?

Be glad to.

The key thing to
remember here, class,

is that by increasing
the true roots

of an equation we therefore
decrease the false roots

by an equal amount.

And on the contrary, by
decreasing the false roots

we increase the true
roots by an equal amount.

Am I going too fast for those
of you who are taking notes?

Good.

So to continue.

Increasing the true
root, five by three

we diminish each
of the false roots

so that the root previously four
is now only one and the root

previously three is zero
and the root previously two

is the true root equal to
minus 4y minus 420 equals zero.

Now that we've
covered the basics,

why don't we go on to something
a little more stimulating?

(CHUCKLES)

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

So, how did it go?

(NORMAL VOICE) Great!

I never knew I was so smart.

Come on, come on, let's go!

I'm gonna be late.

Well, excuse me.

[MACHINES BEEPING]

Would everyone please
get out the Sousa book,

Stars and Stripes Forever.

And we'll see if we can't
discover what we were

doing wrong the other day, hm?

(INTELLIGENTLY)
Hello, my little friend.

How come all the sudden you
show up late for everything?

I'm bored by
the preliminaries.

They're so elementary,
don't you think?

That's another thing, how
come all of a sudden you're

such an expert on everything?

Everyone has the potential
for brilliance, my boy.

I've just been fortunate enough
to find the key that unlocks

the powers of the human mind.

Right.

From the top.

Think pitch, trumpets.

One two, two two.

[MUSIC - JOHN PHILIP SOUSA, "THE
STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER"]

(BAND PLAYING OFF KEY)

All right people.

People, please.

May I make a suggestion?

Well yes, Ernest.

First of all you
must understand

that this song, perhaps
more than any other,

represents the fighting
spirit of the United States

of America.

So as you raise your
horn to your lips,

try to think of those courageous
young soldiers, the loved

ones they left behind,
Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas

morning, the Easter Parade.

[TRUMPET PLAYS PERFECTLY]

Your middle valve
needs a little oil.

Woodwinds, woodwinds, woodwinds.

The color, the nuance of 50
distinct individual United

States.
It's all up to you.

[CLARINET PLAYS PERFECTLY]

Everybody now.

[BAND PLAYS ON KEY]

Class, I think we've
found our new drum major.

What do you say, Ernest?

It'll take a lot of work.

And I have my
reputation to think of.

Oh, come on Ernest.

Please, Ernest?

Well, if you insist.

[FOOTBALL PLAYERS YELLING]

As you are
probably aware, there

are certain persons associated
with this football team

that would rather we
didn't play halftime

at the homecoming game.

They say, we're an
embarrassment to the school.

They say, we defile the
name of the mighty Muskrats.

We'll I say, why are we
going to allow the football

team to have all the glory?

Glory, which by all
rights, is ours!

How do we do this, you ask?

Who could we impress?

We're just a bunch
of no talent losers.

Why we don't know an
eighth note from fly poop.

Well, I beg to differ.

A good leader could turn
this no account rabble

into a drum pounding, horn
blowing, foot stomping,

precision marching unit.

A good leader could
take you deadbeats

and turn you into
a marching band

better than any Chickasaw
Falls has ever seen.

And honesty compels me to tell
you that I am that leader.

[BAND MEMBERS AGREE]

[STUDENTS GASP]

Oh, Bradley,
did you lose this?

[LAUGHTER]

All right.

In one two, one two three four.

[MUSIC - JOHN PHILIP SOUSA, "THE
WASHINGTON POST"]

Can you feel it, Harold?

There's a new spirit in
here, and it's great.

You've got another full week
to enjoy before the ax falls.

Well, I'd hate to be
the one to close down

a school with the
winning football team

and a rousing halftime show.

You don't have to.

That's my job.

After school what say we drop
by the video arcade and you can

watch whilst I dazzle one
and all with my uncanny

hand-eye coordination.

No, no, I don't
think so, Ernest.

We could go by
the park and you

could see how many
games of chess

I could play simultaneously.

No, you don't need us
to do any of that stuff.

Besides, I have to study,
not like some people I know.

As I've told you before,
I've learned that secret

to unlocking the
powers of the mind.

Yeah, well, however it works
I don't know how to do it.

So--

My good man, would you
happen to have any sauce venais

for this meatloaf ordinaire?

Fresh cilantro?
Picante salsa?

We got ketchup.

That's what I like
to eat it with.

Yes, I bet you do.

You know Ernest, you've
turned into a real jerk.

I liked you a lot better
when you weren't so smart.

GERTA: Yeah, that
should do it, Bobby.

Now the machine's perfect.

Oh, I cannot wait to try
this on a real human brain!

But, until then,
Ernest will have to do.

Wakey, wakey, fellas.

I'm running late this
morning and I've got

lots of important things to do.

Yes, good morning
to you, too, Ernest.

We have made some
slight modifications

that I think is going to make
this baby work even better.

Gerta, I'm sure that's all
very fascinating to someone

who really cares.

But could we please
dispense with the small talk

and get on with this?

Come, Bobby.

We've got a very
important person here.

Wouldn't want to waste
any of his valuable time.

Thank you.

[MACHINES WHIRRING]

There, that's more like it.

And the next time,
would you both

try to be ready when I get here?

I'm on a very tight schedule
and having to wait on you

two doesn't make
things any easier.

Good day.

Being smart hasn't done a
lot for Ernest's personality.

Got a pretty high opinion
of himself, for a lab rat.

Bobby, what is this?

You've held the
power back on him?

Ernest will only be smart
for another 38 minutes!

Why, Bobby?

Why, Bobby, you devil.

[BELL RINGS]

FEMALE TEACHER: All right,
now class, settle down.

Settle down now please.

Settle.

Today we'll be continuing our
study of America in the 1800's.

This was truly a
century of great unrest,

mixed with major strides
forward as the United

States began to take its
place on the world stage.

Blah, blah, blah, blah blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Ah blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah blah.

Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Uh blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah.

And so, I hope you all can
see what an exciting period

of history this was.

Now we only have time
for one report today.

Who'd like to give theirs?

Ernest?

Well it's about time.

Thank you.

While I'm sure most of you
have heard of Seward's Folly,

I am equally sure
that none of you

understand the important
historical significance

of this momentous event.

I refer to, of course,
the Alas-- haha,

the Alaska purchase.

(NORMAL VOICE RETURNING)
The year, um, 1867.

The man William
He-He-He Henry Seward.

He was a prom-a-ha-na
hey-nada ha-nada

the United States senator.

Who can be-he ca-ha me-he
uh-coh hon-uh --gressman.

That he be-he na-had

[STUMBLES OVER WORDS]

Thank you.

[ERNEST MAKES UNINTELLIGIBLE
SOUNDS]

Wacka.

Wacka, wacka, wacka.

Come, Ernest, come.

Bobby just speculated
a little lesson.

He didn't mean anything by it.

Wacka, wacka,
wacka, wacka, wacka.

What's that, Lassie?

Timmy's in trouble?

Did you get it?

(INTELLIGENTLY) Show
business is my life, people.

And if there's one
thing I've learned

in this crazy, mixed
up biz, is you've got

to give them what they want.

You've got to razzle
them and dazzle them.

Astound them and amaze them and
leave them begging for more.

Now, listen up because I'm
only going to say this once.

If you lose your place and
don't know what to do watch me.

If the crowd makes you nervous--

ALL: Watch me.

Tubas, if we get fatigued
on that last credenza

what are we going to do?

ALL: Watch me.

ERNEST: All right,
now from the top.

And flag twirlers, I want
you to wave those flags

like patriotic zealots.

All right.

A one a two, a one
two three four.

[MUSIC - JOHN PHILIP SOUSA, "THE
WASHINGTON POST"]

All right.

Well Wanda hits the
gong as fireworks queue,

I hit the kettle drum.

Rocket, rocket, rocket.

I hit the xylophone.

Rocket, rocket, rocket.

They've been working so hard.

All they can think
about is the firework

display at the homecoming.

I'm sure they
will be just fine

as long as they keep it short
and don't try to embarrass--

what band is this?

That's Earnest.

I mean that's us.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Wrong, all wrong.

MISS FLUGAL: Ernest?

Ernest, Mr. Procter would
like to have a word with you.

Take five everyone.

Miss Flugal tells me
you've completely turned

around the program, Ernest!

Congratulations son.

You have no idea what this
could mean for our school.

Thank you, sir.

It's a shame our performance
will have to be interrupted

by a mere football game.

Well, yes.

Keep up the good work and
good luck tomorrow night.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, I'll be right with you.

Ernest, I--

Yes?

There's a dance after
the game tomorrow night

and I have to chaperone.

So I was wondering if
you'd like to go with me?

Well I, I haven't
checked my schedule but um,

I think I'm free.

People, people!

Once more from the top.

And this time with feeling!

[STUDENTS CHATTING]

[CHEERING]

CHICK (OVER PA):
Chick Hansen here.

Well, it's a gorgeous
fall evening.

And it's been an all
Muskrat first half

as we've managed to skunk
the Knights of Regal View.

Star quarterback Brad Spinx
has never looked better

at finding his receivers
as the Muskrats again drive

deep into Knight territory.

[CHEERING]

That's another six
for the Muskrats.

This homecoming crowd has
really got our boys fired up.

Way to go, girls.

Bravo.

I am so excited.

Look at this crowd, I've
never seen so many people.

A fitting audience
for my crowning triumph

as drum major to the
stars, don't you think?

I just hope everything
goes all right.

Don't you worry your pretty
little head about that.

As long as my youngsters
remember the number one rule,

everything will be just fine.

And what's that rule?

ALL: Watch me.

You see?

What could go wrong?

Ernest, where are you going?

Oh, I just
remembered I, I left

something in the band room.

I'll be right back.

Well you better be, Ernest,
everybody is counting on you.

Would a King miss
his own coronation?

I think not.

[CRYING]

(NORMAL VOICE)
What happened here?

The came like
thieves in the night

and attacked cruelly
and without provocation.

Who would do such a thing?

People chose with small minds.

Defenders of the status quo,
afraid of a brave new world.

Philistines, barbarians.

Republicans, who knows?

Well, can you fix it?

Oh sure, Ernest, let me
just get this knot out.

What am I gonna do?

I can't go out there like this.

I'm just me.

(GULPS) Oh.

[DRUMLINE PLAYING]

CHICK (ON PA): And
now, the marching

Muskrats of Chickasaw Falls.

Where's Ernest?

I don't know.

But we've got to go on now.

I've seen these
kids rehearsing.

It was quite impressive.

(SARCASTICALLY) I'm
on the edge of my seat.

Well, it's about time.

We've got to go back.
We can't go on.

This will never work.

It's too late for that,
the show's already started.

I've got to tell
you something,

it's not what you think.

I'm not really smart.

You get up there.

Remember what you told me?

Watch me.

Go.

[DAUNTING MUSIC]

[WIND BLOWING]

Oh.

Uh.

[BATON TAPPING] One
two, one two three four.

[MUSIC - JOHN PHILIP SOUSA, "THE
WASHINGTON POST"]

CHICK (ON PA): How about
those marching Muskrats!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUSE]

ERNEST: Yelp.

Help.

Ah.

Ah, ah.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeow.

Whoah.

Whoah.

Whoa, wah ho.

[BAND PLAYS OFF KEY]

[ERNEST YELLS]

ERNEST (MUFFLED IN
TUBA): Oh, oh, uh, oh.

Get me outta here.

Help me get outta here.

Help me get outta here.

Help me, help,
get me outta here.

[FIREWORKS WHISTLING]

Run, run!

[SCREAMING]

[ERNEST SCREAMS FOR HELP]

FIREFIGHTER: Come on, come on.

Get the hose on, lets go, huh!

It's your fault!

I hold you responsible.

I never should have
allowed you to let

Ernest take over this program!

[ERNEST MOANING]

I know I let everybody down.

I had my chance and I blew it.

I'm sorry about everything
I'm sorry I'm me.

Good-bye my faithful locker.

Good-bye my little
monkey wrench.

You coping saws seem to
be taking this very well.

I really blew it this time,
didn't I, Mister Needle-nose?

(AS NEEDLE-NOSE PLIERS)
You sure did, Ernest.

You let the whole school down.

(NORMAL VOICE) I let
the whole school down.

(AS NEEDLE-NOSE PLIERS)
You let Miss Flugal down.

(NORMAL VOICE) I let
Miss Flugal down.

DONALD: You treated
Donald like scum.

I treated Donald like scum.

RODNEY: And you acted like
a real jerk to everybody.

I acted like a real
jerk to everybody.

And now I got to study
just like everybody else.

And now I have
to study like e--

wait a minute!

That's not your voice!

Didn't think you'd get out of
that easily, did you, Ernest?

You have to take a test
like the rest of us.

Yeah, we're gonna tutor
you til you scream for mercy.

Are you sure there's
not another way?

No, you're just
going to have to study.

Gosh!

What's the predominant
element in bones?

Who shot Abraham Lincoln?

What's the fifth
most common element?

Yogurt.

Cheese.

Some guy with a gun.

Not dairy products, Ernest.

What guy?

Great potato
famine of mid 1800's.

Chalk.

Um, the Klingons!

No!

- Colonel Sanders.
- No.

Abraham Lincoln.

The Penguin!

This is hopeless!

Elements.

Wyatt Earp.

Elephants.
- What country?

Are you sure it's
not the penguin?

Idaho.
ALL: We're sure!

- Country.
- Ivory.

Garth Brooks.

[RODNEY GROANS]

Helium.

Nine to the fifth power.

Seward's Folly.

54 40 or fight.

Agriculture.

[SNORING]

RODNEY (ON PA):
Rockin' Rodney, here.

Today's question is who set
fire to the Ironman float

last night after the pep rally?

And quite frankly, how
do we thank these people?

Got the big one this weekend.

Got the district
finals, got a chance

to win the whole enchilada.

Hey, were going to
be football heroes!

Yeah, fighting Muskrats
taking their place in history.

Oh yeah.

Ernest!

OK.

Here we go.

The big test.

Now all you have to do
is relax and concentrate.

My brain hurts.

I think it's broke.

I don't think man was supposed
to have this much knowledge,

know what I mean?
[BANGING FROM LOCKER]

GERTA: Ernest, open up!

We fixed it!

I never thought we
could do it so fast

but when Bobby sets his mind
to something, let me tell you,

there is just no stopping him.

That's great!

That means now I
can pass for sure.

GERTA: Yes siree!

Ya vol!

We got a new and improved
brain accelerator that is just

waiting for you to plug into.

OK?

Thanks anyway,
Gerta, but I think

I better do this one on my own.

You're joking!

GERTA: Ernest,
what about science?

What about the Nobel Prize?

What about giving us
a break, we need you!

We can't afford a chimp!

[STUDENTS CHATTING]

[HITTING DESK]

All right, students.

No talking.

No wandering eyes.

Ready, begin!

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[METAL CLINKING]

[CLOCK TICKING]

[FLY BUZZING]

[FLY BUZZES QUIETLY]

[FOOTSTEPS]

Is there a
problem Mr. Worrell?

No, ma'am.

[FLY BUZZING]

[TEACHER BURPS]

[CLOCK TICKING]

[GRUNTING]

How did it go, Ernest?

I don't know, it's it's
all just kind of a blur.

Know what I mean?

Well whatever happens,
I'm proud of you.

Come on.

Come on.

Chick Hansen here.

Well it's a perfect crisp
afternoon for a game.

And what a game we've got!

It's a once in a lifetime
David and Goliath match up

between our own
fighting Muskrats

of Chickasaw Falls and
the undefeated Ironman

of Central High.

A school that produces
championship teams

is not the kind of school
that should be closed.

Wouldn't you agree,
Miss Nichols.

Oh, well, as a private
individual I do agree with you.

But as chairperson of the
school board, of course

I'm trying to keep an open mind.

Anyway the question is moot
because Central is going to win

today and they'll be champion.

Oh yeah, is that right?

MALE STUDENT: Hey
Principal Procter,

can I see you a second?

Excuse me.

[DRUMLINE PLAYING]

Knock 'em dead, Ernest.

[GROANS]

CHICK (OK PA): Ladies
and gentlemen, the lady

Muskrats of Chickasaw Falls!

AXWELL: Slow down a minute,
Coach, we need to talk.

Nah, this is not
a good time for me.

You've heard about my plans
to close your high school.

Yeah, yeah, I've heard.

Well, I've got a
little problem that I

think you can help me with.

COACH: What?

If you win today,
you'll be district

champs and that'll make
things a lot harder for me.

Well we're gonna win!

We're gonna whoop 'em!

I don't see how I can help ya.

You can make sure
your team loses.

Why would I want to do that?

If you lose,
I'll guarantee you

the job of head coach of Central
High when we merge the schools.

I don't know.

Chickasaw Falls will
close anyway, you might as

well get something out of it.

We could've beat those guys.

So what?

A week from now nobody'll
remember who won what.

We could beat those guys.

Could've beat them!
[KNOCKING]

RODNEY: Hey!

Somebody get me outta here!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

All right, boys,
bring it on in here.

Lets go!

[TEAM CHEERING]

All right, listen up fellas.

I got a new game plan.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

CHICK (ON PA): This is certainly
not the caliber of football

we've come to expect
from Coach Decker

and his fighting Muskrats.

The Ironmen seem to
have our Muskrats

completely fooled out there.

And that's another six, now
seven points for the Ironmen,

which puts our Muskrats
at a pathetic 18 to zip.

Well the good news is the
first half is almost over.

The bad news is there's
still another 30

minutes of this massacre to go.

[BANGING]

RODNEY: I'm in here.

Could you let me out?

Hey!

Hey, if anyone's out
there, I'm in here.

Could you let me out?

You gotta let me outta here.

Well, hey!

Ah, I owe ya one, pal.

I love this guy!

[CROWD BOOS]

Look out.
Comin' through.

Look out, squirt.

Rodney, where have you been?

Oh, man, it's a long story.

But here it goes.

That Axwell guy, he talked Coach
Decker into throwing the game.

What?

They can't do that!

Well, who's
going to stop them?

We are!

Yeah, right.

With what?

Don't you see?

We're the last line of defense.

It's the Battle of the
Bulge and it's up to us

to hold the Greek hoards
off the Pacific fleet.

So what do we do, Ernest?

Luckily, I've got an
idea I've been saving

for just such an occasion.

Does this make water?
Does it?

We need your help!

The fate of our
school depends on us.

Bobby, for Chickasaw Falls.

For truth, justice, and
the Germanic American way.

[SPEAKING GERMAN] Um.

- Maisy.
- Maisy.

Great, OK.

Ernest is going to
stall as long as he can.

Here's what we need.
- OK.

OK, we're going to need some
sleeping gas with gas masks--

CHICK (ON PA): And
now, the marching

Muskrats of Chickasaw Falls.

[CROWD BOOS]

No, not your marching band.

They do try very hard.

There won't be this
kind of embarrassment

at the new school.

CHICK (ON PA): Now
it's time to get

down and do the funky Muskrat!

(SINGING) Get your soul food
a la king, Muskrats marching

to a James Brown thing.

Homeboy's grooving
down the street,

got his mojo working
on a Muskrat beat.

[PLAYERS YELLING]

[GAS HISSING]

Good, boys, the towels.

Right now, their vision
is getting very blurry.

A sense of well-being
is creeping over them.

They're experiencing vertigo
and a strong desire to lie down.

OK, turn it off, Bobby.

Let's go.

Remember guys, this is
very powerful sleeping gas.

So keep those masks on tight.

Go on, go on!

[PLAYERS SNORING]

[LULLABY PLAYING]

RODNEY: Maisy, this
isn't going to work.

We can't play football.

MAISY: We can play better
than these guys are playing.

Come on, you guys.

Lets get these
uniforms off them.

Someone's gotta try
and win this game.

[CROWD CHEERING]

CHICK (ON PA): Would you
please put your hands together

for the amazing horns in space!

[FAST PACED HORNS PLAYING]

Symmetry and artistry
join hands with Ed's TV

and Appliance to bring you
the graceful spiral of life.

[CROWD CHEERS]

The Sabre Dance.

[MUSIC - ARAM KHACHATURIAN, "THE
SABRE DANCE"]

GERTA: OK, kids, look, this is--

All right, good work,
get out there man.

So far, so good.

That was the easy part.

We better go see
how Ernest is doing.

OK.

Come on 'Rats band,
let's go get 'em!

All right guys, lets do it!

GERTA: I hope being quarterback
doesn't go to Ernest's head!

The most important thing
is that a team have a leader.

A star.

A bright light that shines
through the darkness

so that others may follow.

And I am that man.

DONALD: That sounds familiar.

In my prime, I was known
as Crazy Legs Worrell.

So just give me the
ball and watch the show,

know what I mean?

CHICK (ON PA): The Muskrats
look much the worse

for wear and no wonder
after the brutal beating

they've taken thus far.

Hut!

CHICK (ON PA):
These Muskrats are

playing like they don't deserve
to be in championship game.

And, in this man's opinion, are
a disgrace to the proud colors

of Chickasaw Falls.

Ladies and gentlemen,
oh the humanity,

never can I recall
a more wretched

display of physical ineptitude.

And with the score standing
an embarrassing 39 to nothing

there is no joy in
Mundale tonight.

Ernest, come with me.

Come.

I know that philosophically
using this device

may be repugnant to your sense
of sportsmanship and fair play,

but quite frankly my friend
I think it is high time we

introduce the Ironmen
to the new and improved

subatomic brain accelerator.

Make me a master Muskrat.

Great!

Let's hurry!

Oh and Ernest, this time try
not to act like such a jerk, hm?

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

(DEEP VOICE) All right.

Now the gloves come off.

CHICK (ON PA): It
looks like the Muskrats

are going with a new quarterback
and it's Ernest P. Worrell?

The Muskrats have the
ball fourth and 27

at their own 49 yard
line and it looks

like they're going for it.

I guess they figured
they've got nothing to lose.

ERNEST: 39 hut, hut, hut.

[THEME SONG]

Go, Ernest, go!

Bring home the bacon!

[PIG SQUEALS]

Oh, sorry, Mogley.

Beep, beep, beep.

The Muskrats have the ball
and they're finally on the move.

[FOOTBALL PLAYERS CLAP AND
BREAK]

37, 25, a one two,
a one two three hut.

[BALLET MUSIC]

[FOOTBALL PLAYERS GROANING]

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

CHICK (ON PA): It looks like
the Muskrats have the Ironmen

completely baffled out there.

[WALTZ MUSIC]

[FOOTBALL PLAYERS QUESTIONING]

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

Ha, ha, ha.

I don't know what's
gotten into them,

but the Muskrats look like
a different team out there.

Animals, right.

You are a wolverine.

OK, you are a, uh, rhinoceros.

You are a fuzzy little
mouse, but you're mean,

you're vicious.

[ERNEST LAUGHS]

And the extra point is good!

There's the kick off.

And the Muskrats bring
'em down near mid-field.

But with just 20 seconds
left on the clock,

it looks like the valiant
heroics are all for naught.

All right, so what
do we do now, Ernest?

I don't know, fellas,
I'm fresh out of ideas.

Leave it to me guys.

Here's what we do.

OK, I'll need your
help. (WHISPERS)

Off-center and then
you guys back me up.

Yoo-hoo, number 57!

Hey, you're cute.

[VIOLIN PLAYING ROMANTIC SONG]

OPPOSING TEAM: Break!

IRONMAN PLAYER: 32.

32.

Hut!

MAISY: For me?

Thank you.

MUSKRAT PLAYER 1: Timeout!

COACH: It's the old cupid play!

The old cupid play!

What a game!

The Muskrats have called their
last timeout with just three

seconds left on the clock.

And meanwhile, the
backfield comes back

here to cover me on the play.

Any questions?

All right then.

Lets go.

Wait a minute!

Ernest!

Oh, Bobby!

Did you charge Ernest?

Nein!

Ach der lieber!

Ernest!

MUSKRAT PLAYER 1: Hey,
who's that in our uniforms?

MUSKRAT PLAYER 2: What
are they doing out there?

MUSKRAT PLAYER 3:
What's going on?

ERNEST: 37.

21.

39.

Pi to the ninth, pi to the
ninth, pi to the ninth.

Heba-dee.

[SPLUTTERING]

Oh, boy.

[FOOTBALL PLAYERS GRUNTING]

[ERNEST GROANING]

[FAST PACED JAZZ MUSIC]

IRONMAN PLAYER 2: I got him!

I got him!

Hey, Ernest!

Ernest!

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Ow yeah!

Uh-oh.

Come on baby!

Come on, do it!

CHICKASAW PLAYER 1: You
can make it, Ernest!

CHICKASAW PLAYER 2:
You're almost there!

GERTA: You can make it!

[ERNEST LAUGHING]

Oh, yeah.

[ERNEST YELLING]

[WIND HOWLING]

I got it!
I got it!

Come on, come on!

Right here, right
here, right here!

I got it!

I got it!

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

CHICK (ON PA): The Muskrats win!

The Muskrats win!

They're the new
district champions!

Yes!
Yes!

Yes!

Get him off of there!

Get the cops!

Get the [INAUDIBLE]

Yay!

[ERNEST GROANING]

And that's exactly why, hey!

I heard you trying to
sell us out, you dipstick!

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I never thought
you'd go that far.

Listen, I can explain.

Everything I've done, I did
it for the good of the school

system as a whole.

That is your opinion.

But I think you,
along with your buddy

Decker, will be out
looking for new jobs

once I tell the school board
what you've been up to.

No!

Don't do that.

We can work something out.

I mean--

[INAUDIBLE] [INAUDIBLE] a
school that produces champions

isn't the kind of school
any enlightened person

would think about closing.

You, you mean--

Chickasaw Falls
will stay open.

[THEME SONG]

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

So you actually
passed the big test?

Unbelievable.

Yeah, Ernest.

By Friday night you'll be
a high school graduate.

Didn't doubt you
for a second, pal.

(NORMAL VOICE) Well
you guys were a big help.

Thanks a lot.

But you know?

I think I had it
in me all along.

MISS FLUGAL: Ernest?

(WHISPERING) Good luck, buddy.

Come on!

Ernest, I just
came by to say how

proud I am of you for
finally getting that diploma.

Good for you.

Well I couldn't have done
it without you, Miss Flugal.

Oh I, I made you something.

Oh!

It's a music box.

Ernest, how sweet!

You made that for me?

(QUIETLY) Listen.

[SHRIEKS LOUDLY]

Hmm.

Once again, the right
tool for the right job.

Know what I mean?

[THEME MUSIC - "HAIL TO THE
MUSKRATS"]

Hail to the Muskrats.

The brave avenger Muskrats.

Hail to the Muskrats!

They do what all
they do for Muskrats.

Cheer for the Muskrats,
we're for the Muskrats!

Hail to the Muskrats.

Those fuzzy mighty Muskrats.

Hail to the Muskrats, those
mangy, beaten, marvel Muskrats.

One day the Muskrats prevail.

[WESTERN MUSIC]

[LIGHT MUSIC]

[FAST PACED MUSIC]

[THEME MUSIC]