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[WALKING FOOTSTEPS]

[BUZZING]

[SLIP]

[CRASHING]

[JACKHAMMER]

[ALARM SOUNDING]

[BRAKES SCREECH]

[THUD]

[MUSIC - "YANKEE DOODLE"]

Oh no!

ANNOUNCER: Scanning the
globe to bring you the very

worst news stories of the day.

It's the Slugtone Newsreel.

NEWS ANCHOR: Who
would've guessed it?

Mr. Bill, the little clay man
from a little town of Despair,

considered the biggest
long shot in the history

of American politics,
has won the Presidential

election in a landslide!

It's going to fall!

NEWS ANCHOR: The worst
in Midwest history.

Yes, it was a grueling,
hard-fought campaign,

one that will long be
remembered for achieving

new heights in the political
art of mudslinging.

Ohh!

NEWS ANCHOR: But the little
man just kept bouncing back,

exerting his hands-on
approach to the never-ending

tasks necessary for a successful
bid, like kissing the baby--

[MR. BILL SQUEAKS]

--pit-- bulls, and the
interminably long bus tours.

MR. BILL: (SINGING)
Row, row, row your boat,

gently down the stream.

Merrily-- ohh!

[CHEERING]

NEWS ANCHOR: But the
hard work paid off,

as the American
public turned out

in droves to cast their vote
for the little man from Despair.

Now the celebrations are
over, and the real work

begins for President Bill.

[MUSIC - "HAIL TO THE CHIEF"]

Oh boy, what a
comfortable chair.

It sure is great
being President.

Huh, Spot?

[SPOT BARKS]

MAN: Say, Mr.
President, it's time

to sign some important bills.

Oh boy!

Yay!

MAN: Whoops.

MR. BILL: Oh no, the first
day on the job and we've

already messed up the rug.

MAN: Gee, you're right.

We'd better use
some spot remover.

[SPOT BARKS]

Oh no, you leave Spot alone.
Don't!

[SPOT BARKS]
No!

Wait!
Don't!

Stop!
Noo!

MAN: There, perfect.

And it's a good thing.

Because you know
what they always say.

Uh, the-- "The
buck stops here."

Now, what does that mean?
[BUCK GRUNTS]

Oh wait!
Oh!

I get the point!
No, wait!

Don't!
[BUCK GRUNTS]

Ohh!

Ooh, the thorns!
Ohh!

MAN: Oh, I see you
found the rose garden.

No time to smell the roses
though, because the Chairman

of the Joint Chiefs of
Staff would like to discuss

some new cuts in defense.

Cuts in defense?

Yay!

Oh no, he's going
to be mean to me!

MAN: Nah, it's General Sluggo.

And he just wants to show
you his new Star Wars cuts

Uh, no, that's OK.

Uh, we don't have to make
any cuts in the films.

No.
No!

No!
Don't do that!

No!
Oh!

[ZAPPING]

Oh wow!

Wow!

[THUDS]

Boy, what a
splitting headache.

Being President is a lot
tougher than I thought.

MAN: You're right,
President Bill,

because there are some
big problems left over

from the last administration.

Like Slugga Hussein.

Oh, no.

So what does he want now?

MAN: He just wants to give us
what we've hoped for all along.

The new peace treaty?

MAN: No, all the oil
you could ever want.

No, don't do that!

Oh!

MAN: Now it's time to go to
the Hill to meet Congress.

Oh boy, Capitol Hill.

Yay!

[MARCHING BAND MUSIC PLAYING]

Gee, I sure hope me
going to the hill

will help clean up Washington.

Well, I hope Congress likes
my new budget proposal.

Hey, and the
Washington Monument.

You know, I once cut down a
cherry tree and lost a a foot.

Oh, and there's the
Jefferson Memorial.

Yeah, I tell ya, Washington
DC is sure a beautiful place.

MAN: Well, here we
are the Capitol Steps.

Oh boy!

The Capitol Steps!

Hey hey!

MAN: Hey, it's Senate
Minority Leader, Sluggo.

MR. BILL: Oh no.

MAN: And he wants you to
look over his revisions

to your new budget.
- Oh wait!

Don't!
Don't!

Oh!

Oh!
Why?

Why?
Oh!

[BELL RINGS]

Oh no.

MAN: Oh gee, it's Senate recess.

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]
- Oh, no!

Don't do that!
Don't!

Wait! (WINCING) Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

[SPLAT]

Ow!

Gee, President Lincoln,
you know, being President

is sure a lot tougher
than I ever thought.

But I guess someone's
got to do it.

And-- and you know--
[BEEPING]

I've taken everything those mean
old Sluggos have thrown at me,

and I'm still standing tall.

Yeah, maybe everything's going
to be all right after all.

Change is hard.

But things can be different.

Uh, maybe good can
triumph over evil.

Oh.

Oh, wait, no.
Oh!

Ow!

MAN: See you next time.

Bye bye.

[RAGTIME MUSIC]

[WAVES CRASHING, GULLS SQUAWK]

[SPARKS IGNITE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[TRIBAL DRUMS PLAYING]

[DISTANT GROWLING]

ERNEST: Sloughing my way
up the Kantezi river,

fighting malaria,
river blindness

and savage Matabele
warriors, I, Indiana Worrell,

have at last come face to face
with the pinnacle of my quest.

The two-by-four temple of pine.

[CHATTER]

Hey, bring my
those two-by-fours.

Sure.

I got 'em here.

[EQUIPMENT RUNNING]

The royal guard
has left their watch.

And the sacred
treasure of Nefertiti

lies just within our grasp.

(NEW ORLEANS ACCENT) Nuh-uh.

Don't you go and be takin'
nothin' from no Nefertiti.

She mighty particular
about that jewelry.

(AS OLD MAN) Now, Nefertiti?

Yeah, I remember Nefertiti.

She used to drive
a '36 Chrysler.

(AS HIMSELF) Men, a narrow
window of opportunity

has been made available to us.

And we'd be fools
not to take it.

I'm going in.

(AS OLD MAN) Don't worry,
Indy, I'm right behind you.

Yes sir, I'm a-stickin'
to ya like glue.

You're waitin' on me,
you're backin' up.

[CHATTER]

[METAL DETECTOR HUMMING]

Ooh, a soon-to-be-discovered
marvel sings

out its haunting love call.

Ah, to find a diamond.

A flawless, 30-carat, D-grade,
10-power water-white crystal.

I believe cut in
Antwerp, an exact match

to the one Fitzgerald died for
whilst coating on the Zambezi.

[HORN HONKS]

[BEEPING]

Ah, what's this?

Yes.

A diamond of this
brilliance and quality

could only have come
from one source.

From the diamond
necklace which surrounds

Cleopatra's crystal skull.

But to find that, I
must delve even deeper

into the bosom of mother earth.

[HORN BLARES]
Ow!

Ah!

[BEEPING]

Could it be?

Is it possible?

[ZAPPING]

Yes!

It's Cleopatra's crystal skull.

[ZAPPING]

[SAW BUZZES]

Ow!

Ow!

[NAIL GUN FIRING]

Ahh!

[NAIL GUN FIRING]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[SCREAMS]

[THUD]

[MOANING]

Wow.

[GRUNTS]

[THUD]

[ENGINE HUMS]

[ENGINE REVS]

[SCREAMING]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[FEARFUL PANTING]

[ENGINE RUMBLING]

What's all this about?

I never did anything to you.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

That's it.

Every time a power tool cops an
attitude, I get blamed for it.

They're going to
blame me for all this!

[BUZZING]

What are you doing
this to me for?

I'm not your enemy.

Some of my best friends
are power tools.

[ENGINE REVVING]

Go away.

[ENGINE REVS]

How'd you like to
come over to my house?

I could introduce you to
a nice little skill saw.

You're going to
get me in trouble.

I'm going to get framed.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[ENGINE REVS]

[NERVOUS PANTING]

[SCREAMING]

[NAIL GUN FIRING]

Ow!

[POP]

Good thing it hit the hard end.

[ENGINE REVS]

[BUZZING]

Ah!

[SCREAMING]

[SAW BUZZING]

Ow!

Get out of here!

This place is going to kill me!

[SAW BUZZING]

[LAUGHS]

With stealth and
agility, Indiana evades

the serpent of endless teeth.

[BUZZING]

[SCREAMS]

[CRACKING]

[SCREAMS]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[LAUGHS]

[THUD]

[BUZZING]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[EXPLOSION]

[GROANS]

Wow!

Look at this.

It's a genuine prehistoric
television antenna component.

Wait'll Dr. Melon sees this.

Uh-oh.

Makita warriors.

Hey, what's the-- what--

Look at that!

What?

[WOOD CRACKING]

Uh-- ha-- uh--

Hey you!

Come here!

Believe it or not,
I didn't do this!

[WORKERS SHOUTING]

The saw did it!

I just watched!

[BELLS RINGING]

Dr. Mellon, this
university has worked hard

to build a good reputation.

And you, with one
preposterous paper,

have come close
to destroying it.

But my theory is sound.

History is not dead pursuit.

It grows and changes every day.

Not here.

Here, you teach the curriculum
as approved by this board.

But my theory,
the Green Mountain

regulars, it has validity.

Until your theory
is fact, it is

fiction, and belongs in
the English department, not

history.

[SIGHS]

Yes, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen,
that concludes

our meeting for today.

Thank you very much for
your time and consideration.

[CHATTER]

That reference book you
have there is irreplaceable.

I hope you're not planning
to take it off campus.

No.

I'll be careful with it.

See that you are.

(WHISPERING) We've been
having trouble with Dr. Melon.

It's a troubled time.

[CHATTER]

Dr. Melon, I'm Dr.
Radner Glencliff.

[GASPS]

Dr. Radner Glencliff, I'm
honored to meet you, sir.

I've read so much about you.

Well, thank you.

I must apologize for
my fellow trustees.

But both you and I know that
the infighting in academia

is so vicious only because
the stakes are so small.

Exactly, so small.

Let's assume for the moment
that your theory is true.

Well, that would
mean that the crown

jewels residing in the
Tower of London are fakes.

And the real jewels are
hidden inside a cannon

somewhere in Virginia.

Absolutely.

Listen, I have more of an
open mind than my colleagues.

If you should come
across anything that

might help substantiate
your article,

you be sure and
call on me first.

I think I may have a
better chance than you

of getting them to accept it.

Oh, well, thank
you very much, sir.

I will.
You're a good man.

Thank you.
- Thank you.

Take care.
- Yes.

GLENCLIFF: Bye-bye.

[SIGHS]

Hmm, let's see.

Mosquito repellent?

Yeah, that ought to scare them.

Blasting caps.

A brain is a terrible
thing to waste.

Map, map, where's the map?
(BRITISH ACCENT) Oh, come now,

don't tell me you've lost
that bloody map. (AS PIRATE)

Oh no, sir.

That map's around
here somewheres.

Hey, professor!

What's new in the history biz?

Nothing.

Well, why the long face?

I thought you were a
hysterical professor.

Well, look, no time
for games today, OK?

I just had a meeting with
the Board of Regents.

And it really
didn't go that well.

Hey, you got
something on your shirt.

- Where?
- Gotcha.

Ah!
[LAUGHS]

Ernest!

Why do you insist
on playing these

outdated sophomoric pranks?

Hey, speaking of
outdated, look what I found.

I don't have the
time nor inclination.

No look, you see,
it's curved here,

and it's got a beveled edge.

Great.

And I bet it would
make a swell boomerang.

[GRUNTS]

It'll be just the weapon
we need (AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)

when our mates are thrashin'
about in the water,

trying to keep away from them--
right, all right-- sharks.

[SWOOSHING]

Ah!

[THUD]

Sorry.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Ernest, you
are unbelievable.

You really are.

That's the university's book.

I'm responsible for it.

Well, it's OK.

I'll fix it.

And they'll be none the wiser.

Hmm.

[SQUEAKING]

Just pull this out.

What?

[MOANS]

Oh, Ern--

I'm sorry.

Oh, please-- look,
I have an idea.

Yes.

Next time you see me,
just don't speak or wave

or say anything like, hey Dr.
Miller, look what I found!

OK?

Pl--please.

Where did you get that?

I found it.

- Where did you find it?
- In France.

I found it in France.

Where in France?

Outside Paris.

Where outside-- you've
never been to Paris.

Let me see it.

Where did you find it?

Well, I found it
near some, uh, ruins.

ABNER: If this is
what I think it is,

we are on the verge
of a major discovery.

You mean it's part of an
alien spaceship or something?

You want your pickle?

Stamped out insignia
like these were used

as identification plates
on American battlefield

wagons in the 1700s.

Well, why?

Didn't the wagons
know who they were?

If (LAUGHING) by some
miracle, there is a 3, a 1,

and a 4 on this
plane, it will prove

that the Green Mountain Regulars
Unit 314 really did exist.

And at least part of
my theory is true.

Yes.

There's a 4.

You see, I told you being
buddies would pay off.

Professional
collaborators, perhaps.

Buddies?

No.

[CHEWING LOUDLY]

Who makes this bread anyway?
Goodyear?

ABNER: I believe King George
III sent the Crown Jewels

of England to America, to remind
those revolutionary colonists

they were still subject
to the British crown.

But the old 314th ambushed
the English guard unit

and stole the Crown Jewels
right here in Virginia,

then hid them in the
barrel of a gigantic

regiment mechanical Goliath.

There's a 1.

Vindication is so close.

Look!

There's a 3!

Yes!
There was a 314th!

[GRUNTS EXCITEMENT]

Finally it's true!

My theory is true!

It's true!

[GAGGING]

[GROANS]

DOCTOR: Yes, absolutely, Doctor.

I agree.

I've tried mutual funds,
money market CD's, and I just

can't seem to keep
ahead of inflation.

Risk, Dr. Keen, is
the fuel of wealth.

Take the conquistadors
of the 1500s.

They risked everything to
find wealth in the New World.

And they found it.

Didn't they?

Yes.

But many men died.

MR. BILL: So your
doctor friend will know

what my metal boomerang is?

ABNER: Oh, absolutely.

Dr. Radner Glencliff is the
preeminent private collector

of historical artifacts
in the nation.

And fortunately for
us, he's a wise man

with no preconceived notions
about how history was written.

ANNOUNCER (ON PA): Dr. Wong,
please report to Emergency.

Can I help you?

Yes.

I had a preconceived
notion once.

But it turned out
to be something

I'd already thought of.

When he sees this,
he'll get behind my theory

and the Board of Regents
will listen to him.

Well, what can I do for you?

Dr. Abner Melon to see
Dr. Radner Glencliff please.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Dr. Glencliff is not
available at the moment.

Oh.

Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry.

But I did have an appointment.

Oh?

MR. BILL: Let me handle this.

My good woman, kindly
tell the doctor

that the two persons
waiting in the anteroom

are in possession
of a metal plate

from a giant cannon
called Goliath.

[ZAPPING]

Oh!

[BEEPING]

You stand over there.

- Over there?
- Over there.

MR. BILL: Over--

Over there!

Over here?

I'm supposed to be doing this.

I've got the D-R-period in front
of my name, not you, Ernest.

Could I have my
boomerang back please?

[SWOOSHING]
[CLANG]

Ow.

[GRUNTS]

I don't know him.

He followed me here.

He did.

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
come right in.

Sorry to interrupt
you, doctor.

Oh, this is overwhelming.

Look, the Greco-Roman
bust of Zeus.

Oh, Cleopatra's--

Tube top.

Ben Franklin's kite.

Doctor, I've seen pictures
of these items in magazines.

But to see them
in person is truly

a breathtaking experience.

I've spent a lifetime
and service fortunes

collecting what you see here.

I knew a guy who
collected roach wings.

He's got one from Africa.

It's as big as a fly swatter.

Ms. Wilson said something
about an ID plate.

Yes.

Ernest found this at
the construction site

at the Fairway Estates.

See?

3, 1, 4.

GLENCLIFF: Hmm--
[SHUTTER CLICKS]

Certainly has the
right markings.

Seemed like the right
alloys for the period.

Have you done a
carbon dating yet?

No but the chip
points are so obvious.

GLENCLIFF: Yes they are.

[BOING]

I agree with you.

This could be the
genuine article.

Well, good for you.

ABNER: Then you'll
support my theory

with the Board of Regents?

GLENCLIFF: Now, Abner, we
can't go off half-cocked here.

[CRACKLES]

Other than this little bit
of evidence that the regiment

existed, you have nothing.

Now, Dr. Melon, even if
we were to accept this--

[DISGUSTED GROANS]

--as proof that the Green
Mountain Regulars were not just

a fiction, surely you
can see that we're still

a long way from having
any real evidence

that the crown jewels of England
were hidden inside a cannon.

Now, if this
artifact were to lead

to some remnant of
Goliath, well, then you'd

have something I could support.

Well, if I could
find Goliath, I--

I'd have the proof I need.

GLENCLIFF: Dr.
Melon, believe me.

I want your theory
validated as much as you do.

But I've just got to have more.

More?

Let's go, Dr. Melon.
I'm

GLENCLIFF: Expecting great
things from you, Abner.

The university
doesn't appreciate

what an asset they have in you.

Well, thank you very much.

Now, if you should come
up with anything more--

- Ernest, let go.
- --you be sure and call me.

I'll have my girl
call your girl.

We'll take a meeting.
We'll do lunch.

Right now we're vapor trails.
- Excuse me.

We're out of here.

As they say in your
hobby, we're history.

[LAUGHS]
- Sorry, doctor.

Let's go, Abner.

How could you do that?

He's my only friend
on the board.

Do you remember
when Indiana Jones

grabbed the idol and the big
rock started rolling after him?

I think we've got that same
kind of situation here.

[CRACKLING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

This neighborhood looks like--

--a Mighty Workboy
neighborhood.

Look.

FRANK: A customer.

JOE: A doctor.

A good customer.

A real--
- --good--

--customer.

BOOK: (SINGING) I
am Mighty Workboy,

and I will work for you.

I do upholstery and
watch it as a I do.

I'm the Mighty Workboy.

I work for all I do--

- Good morning, ma'am.
- Fine morning.

Nice car.

Pay cash?

You know, unless this is
the cure for the common cold,

fellas, I'm afraid
you're wasting your time.

[LAUGHTER]

Ma'am, we are just so
terribly pleased to be

able to offer you the amazing--

--Mighty Workboy
vacuum cleaner.

For only $22.

And 75 cents.

$22.00?

BOTH: And 75 cents.

- Really.
- No strings attached.

Really?

Ooh, and such a good price?

Although there is a
small financing charge.

- And carrying cost.
- Plus cord.

- And the motor.
- Handle.

And attachments.

And taken together
with the price of--

- The cute little headlight.
- Wheels.

And the dirt container bag.

And of course, the
amazing Mighty Workboy--

--bug fogger.
It comes to a total of 235--

- --dollars--
- --and 16--

--cents.

And that's American money.

Well, good luck to you both.

Yeah--

- That's our only--
- --copy.

- Get it.
- Can't.

- Get it.
- Can't.

- Get it.
- Can't.

- Get it.
- Can't.

Get it.
Stuck!

Really?

NAN: Abner?

Honey?

Guess what I bought?

It just spoke to me.

- Not more clothes.
- Oh, it's such a good move.

Nan, I thought I told you
that we can't afford any more--

No, that new car I've been
wishing and dreaming for.

- A car?
- Mhm.

A new one?

Well, of course, dear.

A new car?

On what I make?

Abner, don't yell at me.

You're a well-respected
university professor,

and I'm your loving wife.

I just knew you wouldn't
want me to go to the Dean's

tee in that rickety
beat-up old Dodge Dart now

would you, honey?

And this spring,
of course, we'll

be invited to the
Chancellor's Easter Egg hunt.

Now we can arrive in style.

So how'd it go today
the Board of Regents?

Did they like your article?

Hmm?

Uh, they-- um--

They what?

Well, they were, uh,
somewhat reluctant.

I-- I would say.

You embarrassed me
again, didn't you?

No, no, no, no.
I didn't, Nan.

I--

Mm, you brought up that
theory again, didn't you?

Maybe a little bit at
first, I brought it up look.

But look, look.

Ernest found a cannon
plate at Fairway Estates

in the subdivision.

Ernest?

Abner, how many times have
I told you never to be seen

socializing with that bonehead?

Now, you're a
professor of standing.

You will ruin our
sterling reputation.

But I think he's made a
pretty incredible discovery.

Now, you keep your little
discoveries to yourself.

Especially when that
Ernest is involved,

and everything'll be just fine.

Your tenure will
lock in our future

and we will have
nothing to worry about.

OK?

Tell me I'm pretty.

Pretty.

Gimme a kiss.

Really hate that tie, dear.
Really do.

Ooh, yummy.

[SIGHS]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Hey, so what's next?

A press release. (AS REPORTER)
New find proves lost regiment.

Hey, "The Enquirer"
will call for sure.

"Nightline,"
"Unsolved Mysteries."

If it's sweets week, we might
even get to meet Madonna.

Oh now, Ernest, please.

Hold on.

We should go to DC and
talk to those Smithsonians.

Now, there's a family that
knows a lot about old stuff.

No, Ernest, you
go back to your job.

I go back to mine.

We do nothing.

Boy, aren't we a team?

And what about that Goliath.

Don't you just love big cannons?

Taking those big wire brushes
and running them up and down

that barrel?

Please, Ernest,
enough with the cannon!

Enough!

If I even mention
my theory again,

the university will lock me
up and throw away the key.

Come on, Dr. Melon, through a
stroke of incredibly dumb luck,

you have the chance to
have a 40-pound adventure

on a 5-pound test line.

So what do you say, huh?
What do you say?

You got something on your tie.
- Huh?

Gotcha.
[LAUGHS]

Ernest!
I hate that!

Do you think that's clever?!

Because I don't
think it's funny!

Look at me!

I'm not laughing!
See?

I'm sorry, Dr. Melon.

I-- I was just trying
to cheer you up.

Ernest, don't bother!

Please!

Dreaming of finding
Goliath was nothing more

than a fiction, a soap bubble.

Nobody believes my theory.

I'm not even sure I do anymore.

Well, I have faith
in you, Dr. Melon.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Just my luck.

Ernest P. Worrell
is my only ally.

As the day is long.

Really?

Really.

So what's it going to be, huh?

Is it to going to be (IMITATES
STUDENT) Oh, Dr. Melon,

I forgot my homework.

Oh, do I have to
take that test again?

My foot's asleep.

Or are we going to walk over to
that car, roll those big dice,

never mind the
consequences, come what may,

the sky's the limit
for adventure.

Come on, we're a
team, aren't we?

Aren't we?

Stanley and Livingston?

Lewis and Clark?

Sonny and Cher?

Worrell and Melon?

- Melon are Worrell?
- Yes!

Yes!

We're going to tie one on!

Tear one loose!

Rip one off!

- Muckle onto some antlers!
- Yes!

- Yes!
- Yes!

No!

I have to teach a class.

I'd have to have the
brain of a six-year-old

to even consider it.

Ready when you are.

[LAUGHS]

OK!

But I'll drive!

Nan's insurance is very
specific on that point!

Gosh, I never get
to drive new cars.

Can I just take it out
of the parking space?

GLENCLIFF: Finally,
direct evidence.

Computer access the
Oxford Historical Library.

I want to know everything there
is to know about King George

III, the crown jewels,
the Green Mountain

Regulars and a pre-Revolutionary
War siege cannon named Goliath.

If we start the research,
we may be exposed.

What we need is an
alias, or a buffer.

Use J. Quentin
University, Dr. Abner Melon.

[BRITISH MUSIC PLAYING]

[SPY MUSIC PLAYING]

This information just
came through from the Oxford

Library, sir.

They thought you needed to
be notified straight away.

Hmm.

Well, well, after a silence
of more than 200 years,

someone is finally
poking their nose about.

The Goliath, sir?

And perhaps, the Crown Jewels.

You know what this means
for Britain, don't you?

I'm afraid so sir.

A change in the status quo.

Whew.

New car smell.
Boy.

- This is where you found it?
- Yeah.

I found it in that construction
site, right over there.

[CHATTER]

Then what are we
doing sitting here?

Well, now's not a good time.

Uh, Makita warriors.

What?

Shh.

Well, it was certainly the
right time when you pulled

me away from my classroom.

Hey, lunch guys.

[CHATTER]

OK, now's a good time.
Let's go.

Roll up the window.

Lock the door.

And don't slam it.

You slammed it!
- Shh.

Makita warriors.

Makita warriors.

It's expensive.

[BUZZING]

ERNEST: Man oh man, you should
have been with me the day

I found Cleopatra's
crystal skull.

Mhm.

That was a red-letter
day to remember.

The Tencholocator 2000-C
is the world's greatest

finding device.
[BEEPS]

It eliminates any unnecessary
digging for worthless objects.

Ow!

I had a finding device once.

I lost it.

Doesn't seem to be turning
up any evidence of a cannon.

Well, maybe I should just look
for it the old-fashioned way.

Oh, I have the
utmost confidence

in the Tencho, Ernest.

Any other method would
be entirely superfluous.

Abner, listen to the
voice of experience.

[CRACKING]

[SCREAMS]

[GROANS]

Ernest, are you dead?

[GROANS]

Well, I guess I would be
if I weren't just that close

to being an actual cartoon.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Ouch.
- What is it?

What?

Ow.

Swing your detector over here.

[BEEPING]

ABNER: Some sort of
round metal object.

A hubcap?

Its density is too
high for a hubcap.

Hmm.

[GASPS]

It's a cannonball.

A can--

A-- a real cannonball, Abner.

A really, really,
real cannonball.

Yes.

Not the cannonball
you did in the pool

when your sister was wearing
her graduation dress, no.

A real boom-boom cannonball, the
kind they used to use to storm

mighty fortresses and--

Ernest?
Dig.

Oh, right.
Right.

Ow.
Hey!

Hey!
Hey!

Ow!

Ernest!

[SIGHS]

[HUMMING]

(SINGING) Didn't
really wanna--

you-- Abner, you didn't.

Darling, it's my
car, not our car.

Where is my car?!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Stop the car!

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Hey!

Take me to the university now.

This is an emergency.

Opportunity knocks--

- --more than once--
- --whenever your work--

--the neighborhood.

[LAUGHTER]

BOTH: Well, hello.

- Move it.
- Oh!

You're sitting on
my loose change!

Ah, quiet.

Give it to the homeless.

[CAR BACKFIRES]

From the markings on this
ball and it's unusual size,

there is no doubt in my mind
it was fired from the Goliath,

the largest cannon ever cast.

Made at the Delacroix Foundry
in [INAUDIBLE], France, in 1727.

I can start a fire with
that magnifying glass.

Roll it over.

Roll it over.

The Goliath fired a maximum
load of 18.9 kilograms

of black powder.

A ball of this diameter and mass
would have an effective range

of 1,300 yards.

You didn't cut a lot of
classes in school did you?

From the striations on those
rocks there, it's obvious.

The shot was fired
from that grassy knoll.

Yeah.

I never believed that
Warren guy anyway.

Did you?

Makita warriors!
- What?

Run, Dr. Melon!
Run!

Whoa!
Where?

Away!

Chow mein, chopped
suey, sweet and sour--

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[WOOD CRACKING]

Wait--

[CRACKING]

- I left my detector!
- Me too!

But it was a Tencho!

Mine was an 11-cho!

But why are we running?

Because our legs are
moving very, very fast!

Oh.

Open the door, Dr. Melon.

Open the door.
- Let me see.

That one's for the ignition.
This is for the--

Unlock the door!
unlock the door!

Unlock the door!

If I scratch the paint,
Nan will have a fit.

How's she going to
feel about scraping

your brains off the hood?

Good point.

It's him!

Get him!

The one in the
ball cap's mine.

ABNER: Watch the
door handle, Ernest.

Ah!
ABNER: Thank you.

[MEN SHOUTING]
[ENGINE STARTS]

Let's move!
Come on!

Let's go!
Let's go!

I have to let
it warm up first.

Oh!

[ENGINE REVS]

ABNER: Whoa!

[MEN SHOUTING]

ERNEST: Aim for the big ones.

Be a moving target.

ABNER: Oh!

You guys are in trouble
when my wife finds out!

She's definitely--

--taking the bait.

Now all we have to do is--

BOTH: --reel her in.

[LAUGHTER]

Well, Abner is not here.

I just know he's
with that Ernest,

looking for some
imaginary cannon.

Did we mention--
[GRUNTS]

- --the Mighty Workboy--
- --is ideal--

--for cleaning
swimming pools--

--septic tanks--

--oil spills--

--and other natural disasters?

Is my nose bleeding?

The Goliath had a
range of 3/4 of a mile.

So it's got to be
around here somewhere.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey.

Isn't this one of
those little lizards

that when the tail falls off,
it can grow another lizard?

Oh, what am I doing here?

How did I let you
convince me that Goliath

could be anywhere around here?

Oh I know, it's obvious.

I must be losing my mind.

What I want to know is,
when it does lose its tail,

does it grow one back
real fast like, overnight?

Or does it take a couple weeks?

I'm a well-read, intelligent,
literate man with two PhDs.

So how is it I'm on a wild
goose chase with a refugee

from "Sesame Street?"

Gosh, going two weeks without
a tail would be tough.

That's it.

Forget it.
I'm finished.

No more, Ernest.

It's probably not here anyway.

We're just wasting time.

Oh, is your
little nest in here?

Hello?

(ECHOES) Hello?

Dr. Melon, come up here.

You've got to hear this.

It's really neat.

Herpetology is not
my field, Ernest.

(ECHOING) Budd, Shackleton,
Perry, don't worry lads.

We're going to lower a line
down into the ice cave!

And you'll be up here with
us in now time, sipping tea,

before you can say Jack B--

[ECHOING SCREAMS]

Ernest!

[WINCING]

Ouch.

That little lizard's got to
be around here somewhere.

[CREAKING]

Are you all right?

[CLANG]
- Oh!

Ow!

Is there anything there?

Did you find something?

No.

There's nothing down here.

Ouch.

We came so close
to catching them.

They took off up there.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

We'll send somebody
by to pick it up.

OK.

Oh!

[LAUGHS]

Oh, it actually exists!

Oh, I can't believe it.

Look at the size of it.

Oh, oh, it's true.

All my theories are true.

Oh, oh, look, look, look!

The fuse is even still intact!

Oh, those irregulars must
have left in an awful hurry.

I was irregular once.

Oh, it's too tight.

I can't get in to see.

(WITH ACCENT) Well,
Dr. Jones, I see

you have found the arc for us.

[LAUGHS]

Give your adventure
delusions a rest for a second

and give me your hand.

No problemo.

I'll just move this chalk.

ABNER: What are you doing?

Don't.

And roll it back for you.

ABNER: Oh, be careful, Ernest.

(WITH ACCENT) You know,
June, I'm sure glad that cobra

venom didn't zap my strength.

I don't mind
telling you, Ernest,

that made me a little nervous.

(WITH ACCENT) Not
to worry, Zahib.

I had complete control of
the situation at all times.

Thanks for shopping with us.

[CREAKING]

It's going to go.

It's--

Hey, I can stop it.

[LAUGHS]

[SCREAMING]

[RUMBLING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

No!

No!

[CRASHING]

Neat.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[SPY MUSIC PLAYING]

Why didn't I stay at school?

This is Nan's brand-new car.

Not anymore.

But hey, don't sweat it.

As soon as we get those
Crown Jewels out of there,

we'll just reach around, pluck
out a couple of diamonds,

and you can buy
her two new cars.

Just think of it,
his-and-her Humvee's.

Know what I mean?

Let's get to work.

I always wanted a Humvee.

It looks like there's some
leaves and mud and sticks

and stuff.

I-- I can't make
out exactly what.

Here.

Give me a toe up, and I'll
kind of scooch in here.

Yeah.

How'm I doing?

ERNEST: Dr. Melon?

Oh.

I'm not very good at
this toe-hold thing.

ERNEST: Push, doctor.

Push.

[GRUNTING]

Push.

OK.

[GRUNTS]

ERNEST: Dr. Melon.

Dr. Melon, I'm stuck!

Pull me out!

I-- I could help you
if you'd just hold still.

Ugh!

ERNEST: Dr. Melon!

Dr. Melon?

You can pull me out
now if you want to.

Dr. Melon?

It's awful cramped in here.

I wouldn't mind at all if
you'd pull me out right now.

Dr. Melon?

There might be bugs in here!

Or vampires!

Or a dentist!

Dr. Melon!

Help!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

For the very last time,
gentlemen, I am not-- repeat--

not even a tiny bit interested
in buying, renting, or lease

purchasing a vacuum cleaner.

- Perhaps that's because--
- --you haven't seen--

--all the attachments.

Some are quite unique.

Watch the road.

Now, if you'll just
take a look at this,

I know you'll agree--

--that the Mighty Workboy
home-cleaning system--

--is simply the
most versatile--

--and the most economical--

--as well as the
most entertaining--

--combination vacuum cleaner--

--and video
cassette recorder--

- --on the market today.
- Try one.

- Ow!
- And they're cheap.

- Try two.
- Ow!

My kids are in private school.

Shut up and drive.

We have got to find my husband.

What's that--

--smell?

Oh, do you like it?

It's called Night Chill.

[SNIFFS]

BOTH: Very nice.

- Thank you.
- Smells like--

--road kill.

[LAUGHTER]

ERNEST: Help!

Dr. Melon!

Pull me out!

Dr. Melon?

Dr. Melon?

ERNEST: I'm real sorry if
I got you into hot water

with that fancy--
- Dr. Glencliff?

Oh.

ERNEST: --that
mummy was real old.

And--

Oh, what a pleasant surprise.

As you can see, (LAUGHING)
we have located Goliath.

Huh?

Dr. Melon?

Talking to yourself is not
a sign of mental stability.

Oh, Ernest, it's
Dr. Glencliff!

He's here to help us.

ERNEST: Dr. Melon?

[GRUNTING]

Ouch!

Ouch!

Oh!

[GRUNTING]

Ow!

He's-- he's stuck, doctor.

We'll take it to the
clinic and cut him out there.

Well, you can't cut Goliath.

It's a priceless relic.

Who said anything
about cutting Goliath?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, oh, good
joke, Dr. Glencliff.

Humor's a little
dark for my taste.

But as I say, to each his own.

Huh?

[LAUGHS]

I'm laughing.

See?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, you're not joking, are you?

How else would I get
the crown jewels out?

Put him in the wrecker.

Hey!

I warn you!

I'm skilled in the
Oriental discipline.

ERNEST: Ouch!
Help!

Ow!

Skipping school like
some eighth grader.

I mean, this theory of--

[SHRIEKS]

My god!

Oh boy.

What a shame.

Totalled.

- That's what I'd say.
- Totalled.

Complete write off.

No insurance.

You know, a good
low-mileage car--

--like that--

- --could probably sell for 25--
- --26--

- --thousand--
- --dollars.

Of course, this one has a few--

--glitches.

But with a little body work--

BOTH: Some Bondo--

--we could fix it, sure.

No problem.

I'm going to kill somebody.

We sell some
really nice guns too.

And bullets, lots of bullets.

- Lots of bullets, yeah.
- I think they're in the--

--trunk.

Just-- just take me home, OK?

Your chariot--

--awaits.

I think I'll poison him.

Mhm.

ABNER: For Heaven's
sake, drive carefully.

That's a very old cannon.

GLENCLIFF: Shut up.
ERNEST: Watch the curb!

Watch the curb!

Ow!

Boy, when they
designed this thing,

passenger safety wasn't the
first thing on their list.

Ow!

Let me out!

Can't stand tight places.

And I've got claustrophobia too!

When we get back
to the clinic,

do whatever it takes to
get him out of there.

Doctor--

Something unclear?

What do we do
with the leftovers?

Use the surgical
disposal system.

ERNEST: Watch the bumps.

Ouch.

Oh!

It's getting awful
tight in here.

I sure wish I had
started the day

with a good 24-hour deodorant.

My armpits are really
starting to chafe.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, how cute.

Oh yes.

Eight beautiful little
hairy legs and--

200 cute little
beady eyes, and--

ahh!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUNTING]

Ow!

Hit him.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[SCREAMS]

[GROANS]

You didn't do the job!

Put it in reverse!

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Catch the idiot!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Run, Ernest!

Run!

THUG: Come-- get back here!

- Oh!
- Oh!

See--

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey!

Hey!

Don't!
- Left.

- Hey!
- No.

No.
No.

Right.
- Don't.

Come on!
- No.

Gotcha!
[BOINK]

Ah.

Ah!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Young man, do you
realize you're trespassing

on private property?

Look, lady, did you see
a goopy guy in a brown hat?

No respect.

That's the trouble with
young people today.

They have no respect
for their elders.

You're just like my
second son, Jaime.

I had to teach him manners.

He's dead now.

Listen, you old
bag, you tell me

where the goofball is
right now, or somebody's

going to get hurt.

Well, aren't we being testy?

I suspect we don't have
enough bran in our diet.

Oh, is that a .44?

Ugh!

Looks just like Jaime.

[CREAKING]

ABNER: You don't
honestly believe you're

going to get away with this?

You must realize they have
very effective statutes

and criminal penalties in
order to combat the theft

of historical antiquities.

And furthermore, young man,
may I be so bold to say,

I think you'd have more
control of your life

if you had a proper
post-secondary education.

Ugh!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

ERNEST: Using his
Olympic-trained legs,

Indy rockets to the
Professor's rescue.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hang on, Dr. Melon!

I'm coming!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

(BRITISH ACCENT) Stop
in the name of the Sheriff

of Nottingham!

Or be issued a sound thrashing!

[ENGINE ROARING]

[SCREAMING]

[THUD]

Hey, no fair!

You hit Ernest!

Ya!

Oh!
Ow.

Oh!

Ugh!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUNTING]

[GROANS]

Dr. Melon?

Wake up!

It's me, Ernest.

I'm one of the new
boys on the hood.

Wake up!

This is no time for taking naps!

Dr. Melon!

Please!

Dr. Melon!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Ow!

[GRUNTING]

Ow!

THUG: Come on.

What's going on up there?

He's going to throw the cannon.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Whoa!

[GRUNTING]

THUG: Doesn't that
guy ever give up?

[GRUNTS]

I'll show you.

[GRUNTING]

ERNEST: Ow!

THUG: Get off my truck!

[GRUNTING]

Oh, how about a
public works enema?

[SCREAMS]

Hold on!

How did he catch up to us?

This is ridiculous!

No!

Not the cones!
Ow!

Ow!

THUG: Take that!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ah!

[SCREAMS]

Ernest!

Whoa!

THUG: Stupid redneck!

Must have Stick-Em on his hands.

[GRUNTING]

Let go of my set!

Ah!

[GRUNTING]

THUG: Let go of me!

Let go of me!

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMS]

[LAUGHS]

Just shoot him!

Real bullets!

They're shooting
real bullets at us!

Be a moving target, Dr. Melon.

Be a moving target.

Nobody's driving the truck!

I can't help that.

Let's get to the cannon.

But the trucks'
out of control!

Welcome to my world!

- Let's be sensible!
- No.

Let's stay alive.

[BULLETS ZINGING]

ABNER: Ooh, ah, ah, ooh.
Moving target.

Moving target.
Ernest?

Ah!

Where are you going?

Those cretins are
trying to get on Goliath.

Ah!

ERNEST: Dr. Melon?

I'm going to pull the pin.

That's a good way to
lose a finger, Ernest.

[GRUNTS]

ERNEST: Uh-oh.

ABNER: Ernest!

Jump to the cannon!

Jump!

[BULLETS ZINGING]

Ah!

[GRUNTS]

Come on, jump, Dr. Melon!

Jump!

No, no!

To the cannon! to the cannon!

Are you crazy?

That must be 13 feet!

This is no time
to be superstitious!

Jump!

I-- I can't!

[GUNSHOT]

Take my hand!

[GRUNTING]

I can't!
I don't jump!

I teach history!

I'm a history professor!

Just goes to show you,
history won't keep you alive!

Now, jump!
- I can't, Ernest!

I just can't do it!

Oh--

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Dr. Melon!

Dr. Melon!

Jump!

I can't do it!

Ah!

[LAUGHS]

Well, safe at last.

I'm off of this thing.

I knew it was too
good to be true!

Oh!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

He's on my cannon!

[GROANING]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

GLENCLIFF: Follow him!

Follow him!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Ernest!

I jumped!

Wait up!

I'm coming!

FRANK: Year of the Woman.

It's enough to make you sick--

--to your stomach.

Look, lady, we can't be
driving you all over town

just because you think we're
your personal chauffeurs

or something.
- Or something.

- We got our territory.
- Our territor--

Yeah.

Stuff your territory.

No!

Don't!

Hey, hey, hey!

[SIGHS]

Too much--

--coffee.

BOTH: Oh well.

Let's go.

Oh!

Ah!

Left!

Help!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Yee-haw!

[CHATTER]

Let's go, honey.
We're going to be late.

[CHATTER]

WOMAN: It's so good to see you.

[RUMBLING]

[SCREAMING]

ERNEST: Get out of the way!

I don't want to kill anybody!

Not even that bad mime!

Watch out!

Get out of the way!

Oh.

ERNEST: You badly-dressed
women, move!

[SCREAMING]

Mayday!

Mayday!

Can't control this thing!

Get out of the way!

[SCREAMING]

Watch out!
Stop!

Get out of the way!

Watch out!

[SHOUTING]

Get out of the way!

[SCREAMING]

Sticker bushes!

Ow.

MAN: I can't believe this.

[WINCING]

Ow.

Look, lady--

- --we have to go.
- We're late.

Since it doesn't look
like you're going to--

BOTH: --buy anything--

--we'll just be--

--on our way.

You two will do
exactly as you are to--

[SPY MUSIC PLAYING]

Excuse me.

Who are you?

And what are you
doing in my house?

Sorry to impose, madam.

But we are here to inquire
as to the whereabouts

of your husband,
Dr. Abner T. Melon.

You are Mrs. Melon, I presume?

Who wants to know?

Madam, it is imperative we
know where your husband is.

The severity of the situation
is beyond your imagination.

You're not from
around here, are you?

You're from--
England, aren't you?

JOE: English--

--big--

--spender.

So Abner was right.

That tedious story of the Crown
Jewels getting stolen is true,

or the British government
(BRITISH ACCENT)

would not be so
interested, what?

- Jewels?
- The Crown--

--Jewels.

[ERNEST SCREAMING]

ABNER: Ernest!

Look out for the neighbor's cat!

[CAT SNARLS]

Abner?

Let's roll.

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[ERNEST SCREAMS]

Come on, Dr. Melon!

Come on!

You got the brains!

Get me off of this!

Come on, Dr. Melon!

[ENGINE REVS]

Wait for me, Ernest!

I'm coming!

[CHATTER]

Move on.

Starboard!

Leeward!

Edward!

Anybody!

Oh.

Whoa!

No!

Call Marabone.

Tell him we've seen Goliath.

- Yes, sir.
- Get in.

Get in.
Get in.

We have to save
those Crown Jewels.

And you know, of course,
my darling husband.

- Whoa--
- Ho-ho.

- Whose car is this?
- Whose car?

- Is it stolen?
- Oh, it's not stolen.

- Or swiped.
- So it's yours.

- Lock--
- --stock--

--and barrel.
It's ours.

- Ours.
- Ours.

- Ours.
- Well, good.

I'm glad we established that.
Now, get in.

Ah.

You said something
earlier about jewels?

- The Crown--
- --Jewels?

So?

Unless you agree to give
us a cut of whatever you get,

we're not moving an inch.
- Not one inch.

Not one.

Not one.

Gentleman, that is blackmail.

[LAUGHTER]

You got--

--that right.

A federal offense.

In most states.

But we suggest that
you think about--

- Think about how far--
- --you'll get--

--on foot.

Shanks' mare.
- Hoofing it.

[LAUGHTER]

- All right, 10%?
- 25--

Would be better.

Oh, I think I said, 10.

Ah, OK!

OK!

15!

Or Frank here swallows the keys.

I've seen him do it at parties.

Uh-huh.

[CRYING]

Sorry, guys.

Sorry.

I mean, I'm just
so stressed out.

I just-- Abner and--

sorry.

Oh, OK.

OK.

BOTH: 12.
- Done.

Get in.

Hey!

Ah, deal's a deal.

What a witch.

I think I'm in love.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Ernest!

Over here!

Dr. Melon!

Jump the ditch!

I don't jump!

I thought I told you that!

I'll try to find a crossroad!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Doesn't this feel fine?

Getting away from all the
smog and crime and violence?

Can't believe we
didn't do it earlier.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, these thorns hurt.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Life is so serene
on the open road.

Amen.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What's that?

No!

Come on, turn!

Help.

Ah.

It's some sort
of alien spaceship.

It's no alien spaceship.

It is.

[GRUNTING]

This must have been what it
was like before power steering.

It's some kind of advertising.

No, it's in our lane.

It's not an advertisement.

Put your blinker on.

What do you mean,
put my blinker on?

Put your blinker on.

[GRUNTING]

Uh-- uh-- uh--

Brake!
Brake!

Brake!
- I'm braking!

I'm trying!

Brake!

[SCREAMING]

Sorry to bust in on
you folks like this!

Whoa!

It's one of those carjackings!

Don't shoot!

Don't shoot!

[RUMBLING]

WOMAN: Stop pushing us or we'll
be forced to do something ugly!

Do something, Frank!

Frank!

FRANK T: Just what exactly
would you have me do?!

Let's go.

We'll cut 'em off.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Believe me, folks,
this wasn't my idea!

Whip it with the rod, Frank!

I'll get the bug juice!

All right!

WOMAN: Go on, Frank!

Cast away!

Get him!

Oh!
Cast!

Go, Frank!

I'll teach you
to knick my camper.

WOMAN: Go on!
- Gotcha!

Ow!
WOMAN: You got him, Frank!

No reel him in!
- Ow!

WOMAN: Come on!
- Catch and release!

WOMAN: Reel him in, Frank!

Let go of my camper,
you car jacker!

Take that, you highway man!

ERNEST: Don't, lady!

Don't!

[COUGHING]

WOMAN: You're dead meat, buddy!

ERNEST: Ow!
Ow!

Ouch!

[GROANING]

Ow!

Don't you use Marvelous hooks?

Ow!

All right, plow into the
back of that cannon now.

- But there's a man--
- --on that--

- --cannon.
- Yeah, I can see that!

Do it!
- Think of the danger.

Think of the horror.

Think of the humanity.

Think of the jewels.

BOTH: He'll live.

WOMAN: He's tiring, Frank!

He's laying on his side!

Reel him in, baby!

Ow!

Stand your ground, men.

Only fire if they don't stop.

Fire!

Stop, Frank!

His gang is shooting at us!

If we go down, this
one's going with us!

Ow!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Run!

Get out of the way!

A diversion?

A demonstration.

BOTH: --the bug fogger!

Three, two, one.

Works every time.

[LAUGHTER]

[COUGHING]

WOMAN: He's still on!

Get that hook in deeper, Frank!

[GRUNTING]

FRANK T: Let go of my camper!

Stop!

Try to swing him
off now, Frank!

I'm swinging!

I'm swinging!

Throw me back!

Ow!

I'm out of season!

Let go of my wheel.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[FISHING POLE REELING]

He's running!

He's running!

ERNEST: Owww!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Whoa!

[WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING]

Ah, hey!

Hey, on the road!

Hey!

get 'em up!

Move 'em back!
[WHISTLES]

Ya!
Ya!

Ya!

Yee-haw!

GLENCLIFF: Go!
Go!

Go!
Catch up to him.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

That-- that's Ernest up there.

All right, stop him.

- We can't.
- Ram him!

- We can't!
- This is a--

--Mighty Workboy--

--company car.

[ENGINE PUTTING]

Ernest!

I'm back!

Is that-- that's Abner!

That's Abner!

Go around.

Go around!
- Go around?

We can't!

Look, the-- this thing--

- --whatever it is--
- --its taking up

BOTH: --the whole road.

[BAWKS LIKE CHICKEN]

ERNEST: Follow me!
- Ernest!

Glencliff is right behind me!

What do I do?

Jump the ditch!

I can't do that!

Evil what's-his-name
can do it!

Well, I'm not
Evil-what's-his-name, am I?

You see that drain pipe?

Crawl out on it.

And I'll snatch you
over there like a mail

bag on the Pony Express.

OK, OK, OK.

I can do it if I want to.

I'm just not sure if I want to.

That's all.

GLENCLIFF: Hurry!

I'll try!

[WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING]

THUG: I'll get him.

GLENCLIFF: Grab him!

Grab him!

I want him alive!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

ERNEST: Dr. Melon!

Dr. Melon!

Hang out on the end!

Know what I mean?

OK, jump as I pass!

We've been through this!

But you can do it this time!

Come on.

Found him!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Abner, get down
from there, darling!

It's very dangerous!

Ooh, this is going to hurt.

I'm sure glad this isn't me.

Come on, you can do it!

Rocket fire!

Rocket fire!

He's not going to--

--make it.

[PANTING]

Oh!

[METAL CLANGS]

Ugh.

Great form.

Your toes were curled,
but I'll still give you--

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I did it!

I did it!

What a rush!

I did it!

[LAUGHS]

Oh, for Pete's sake,
they're shooting at us.

- Bullets?
- Real--

--bullets?

[GUNFIRE]

Oh!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[SCREAMING]

[GUNFIRE]

You hear that?

It's obvious somebody
else is joining

the pursuit of the crown.

Tap into Northstar
and get me Marabone.

[GUNFIRE]

Trigger-happy idiots.

Get in the car!

- Go!
- OK!

[LAUGHTER]

We did it!

Wow!

For once we've made it!

Oh-ho!

[BIG BEN CHIMING]

Bandish, you know
you're not to contact

us unless absolutely necessary.

We've lost them, sir.

Hmph.

Well, we'll transmit
satellite photos of your area

over Taikon 4,000.

Talk to the links.

I don't have to remind
you what happens

if the hat is on the wrong cat.

No, sir, you don't.

Bandish, over and out.

England will have a new king.

[AIR HISSING]

Well, don't just stand there.

Fix it!

- Look, lady--
- --this may come--

- --as a big surprise--
- --to you.

But one cannot fix--
BOTH: --two flat tires!

Oh!

You two are as worthless as
the useless junk you sell!

[GASPS]|

Do you realize that
my husband has found

the Crown Jewels of England?

And he needs me!

But then, that's about loyalty!

And you wouldn't know
anything about that!

Would you?!

We know a lot--

--about loyalty!

BOTH: (SINGING) I'm the Mighty
Workboy, and I will work--

Hey!
- What about--

- --our percentage?
- Our cut!

What about it?!

[TRUCK ENGINE RUMBLES]

Isn't this sweet of you?

DRIVER: Hop in, lady.

Who needs--

- --12%--
- --when we can have--

--100--

--percent?

[LAUGHTER]

BOTH: (SINGING) I'm
the Mighty Workboy.

And I will work for you.

I do rugs, upholstery,
and wash your dishes too.

I'm the Mighty Workboy.

I work the whole day through.

Just plug me in and turn me
on and see what I can do.

Hey!

You bet!

You bet!

[METAL RATTLING]

BOTH: It really sucks!

Get my helicopter in
the air immediately.

Let me know as soon
as you spot it.

What-- well, it shouldn't
be too hard to locate.

It's a giant cannon.

The size of New Jersey!

Now, get moving!

ABNER: I said, stay on the road.

This is off the road.

There's a difference, Ernest!

Pull the emergency brake!

[SCREAMING]

[SLOW CREAKING]

[WIND HOWLING]

Wow.

Would you look at that?

[METAL CREAKS]

Ah!

Uh, don't look.

You'll throw us off balance.

OK now, now, real easy, easy.

Now kinda scooch toward me.

I can't move.

I'm petrified.

Yes you can.

Just kinda scooch.

[SCREAMING]
ABNER: OK!

OK!
OK!

OK!
OK!

You looked.

I wasn't looking.

Ah!

Ah!

- You hopped.
- Hop?

How can you say that was a hop?

How could I hop on
a five-ton cannon

with my underwear in a wedgie?

I told you to
scooch and you hopped.

This is a scooch.

This is a hop--
- Oh!

Oh!
All right!

I'm scooching!
I'm scooching!

You're scooching and looking.

I was not looking.

I'm scooching.

You were scooching
and looking.

And that counts as a hop.

- Says who?
- Says gravity.

Fact.

Ah!

OK, OK, you win!

OK!

Yeah.

[CREAKING]

OK, OK.
- OK.

All right.

I think it's settling.

Now, I'm going to
slowly turn, see if I

can safely dismount the cannon.

- OK.
- OK?

All right.

All right.

OK.

[CREAKING]

OK.

[SCREAMING]

[WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING]

Ow!

I'm in the jungle!

Ernest, make this thing stop!

I'm trying to make it stop!

Ow!
Jeez!

Ow!
Ah!

- Dr. Melon.
- What?

Look.
Spit on your hands.

Rub them together, and
use them like brake shoes.

You need a CAT scan, Ernest.

Dr. Melon, stick your
legs in the spokes.

That'll stop us.

You stick your
leg in the spokes!

You're the idea man!
- I can't.

I've got anti-lock legs.

Ah!
- Whoa!

What's happening?
- Don't look!

Just duck!

[WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUNTING]

[CHICKEN CLUCKING]

[GROANING NONSENSICALLY]

Look, Billings, a ghost cannon
can't crash a roadblock now,

can it?

You take me for a bloody fool?

Me?

Now, listen, if your bird
can read the serial numbers

of an Iraqi scud
missile, it ought

to be able to find a cannon
wreaking havoc in traffic!

Well, use another satellite!

ABNER: It's amazing, isn't it?

Well, I can't believe it.
We did it.

We found Goliath.

[LAUGHS]

We found the Crown Jewels.

Well, it's amazing.

What's so amazing?

We're adventurers, aren't we?

True.

I mean like, Bonnie
and Clyde, Donald

and Ivana, Wilbur and Mr. Ed.

The stars have aligned.

The planet has tilted.

And the fat lady is on
the last three bars.

Oh yeah.

Hey, this isn't half bad.

Just part of the
knowledge of the open road.

You know, it may be sad
to realize that Nan never

believed the jewels existed.
- Yep.

I'll tell you, it's
tough on a man's ego

when his life mate doesn't
support his life's work.

Yeah.

[HOT WATER HISSES]

Mm, may come as a shock to
you, but up until this point,

I was afraid.

Yes.

I was afraid.

You know, my-- my life
just wasn't turning

out the way I expected it to.

But now, Ernest, thanks to
your help, we found Goliath.

World's largest
cannon, thank you.

And when I get those Crown
Jewels in that barrel,

oh boy, the world's going to
know that my theory was true.

I can't wait to see the
look on their faces.

Oh, just can't wait.

Life is good.

And all because of you, Ernest.

Well, thanks, Dr. Melon.

Oh please, Abner.

Abner.

Abner, yeah.

Well, I-- I guess
that means we're like,

real buddies now, huh?

Like-- like a real team.

Huh, I guess it does.

You got some
corn on your shirt.

- Huh?
- Gotcha.

[LAUGHS]
- Ernest!

I told you never to do that!

No!

No no!

I'm now Dr. Melon
to you, mister!

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

Stop it.
Shh.

Shh.

[SHEEP BAAING]

Did you hear that?

(WHISPERS) NO.

Boy, I sure did.

I'll be right back.

Whoa--

[TIRES SQUEAL]

DRIVER: Hey!

NAN: Yeah, this was
your truck, buddy!

What are you doing--
[GRUNTS]

NAN: Get out of here!
- Hey, come on!

Open that door.

Please!

NAN: I said get off!

Oh, jeez!

Ernest, you are American
ingenuity at its finest.

Batman and Robin ride
to glory with the stolen

jewels in tow.
(IMITATES VILLAIN)

Diamonds are forever, Mr. Bond.

This will

[ENGINE STARTS]

Yeah.

Yeah, it'll work.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[PHONE RINGS]

Got him?

Good.

Gentlemen?

ERNEST: Ah, fresh air, birds,
the absence of small arms fire.

Yeah, your country life ain't
like your city environments.

And the folk out here, they
have their way of-- well,

lending a fellow
citizen a helping hand.

Like that farmer John guy,
lending us his tractor.

Then why is he following us?

Oh, exercise, I suppose.

That's why he's wearing
those massive jogging boots.

Tractor nappers!

[BEEPING]

Taikon 4,000 found them.

Lock us in on the coordinates.

Let's go.

[ENGINES START]

[RUMBLING]

ERNEST: Oh no.

Stopped by apple maggots again.

Well, we can turn this
thing around, can't we?

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[MUSIC PLAYING]
- Uh-oh.

It's that crazy doctor
in the Batmobile.

Oh, oh!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh! oh, we're in it now.

We're trapped.

Boy, this is just great.

This is like that
John Wayne movie,

when him and Butch
Cassidy were surrounded

by all those army guys.

Ernest!

Yeah, see, you're
Butch because you

do all the thinking.

And I'm Sundance because well,
I'm slightly better looking.

Anyway, they're surrounded by
the Mexican army in Bulgaria.

Bolivia.
They were in Bolivia.

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

Bolivia.

They were killed in Bolivia.

Well, maybe they should've
stayed in Bulgaria.

Anyway, Butch and the
Kid didn't have Goliath.

And we do.

Oh no!

Oh-ho-ho!

Oh, Ernest, please.

You can't be serious.

Its' just like Davy Crockett
and Jim Bowie at the Alamo.

Right before Santa
Anna rushes in!

- Ernest, you can't.
- Sure I can.

I'm always Davy Crockett.

Please, Ernest, please.

Well, surely we can
reason with them.

They seem like
reasonable people.

Look.

Look, look, they have a
nice car and everything.

Faster!

Faster!

You can't reason
with the Mexican army.

We don't even speak Bulgarian!

Ernest!
Don't!

Please, look, consider
the ramifications!

We don't have
any ramifications!

All we have is this cannon!

The Jewels!

You'll destroy the Jewels!

Goliath must speak!

No, no!
Ernest!

Ernest!
Ernest!

Don't please!

Ernest, now, look!

Look!

Use your head for
once in your life!

Look, put the fire down!

[LIGHTER FLICKING]

There they are!

Now you can shoot them.

[GUNFIRE]

Be a moving target.

Be a moving target.

Abner, it's us or the jewels.

[GUNFIRE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

No!

Stop!

[BOOM]

Oh!

Stop the car.

No.

The brakes!
The brakes!

[CRASH]

Some kick.

[GROANING]

It fired.

It fired.

Phil Gunner Worrell,
reporting the directive, sir.

The cannonball.

Yep, about a 500-pounder,
if I'm any judge of artillery.

And I am.

There were no jewels.

No, but that big
mama came smoking

out of there about 500 FPS.

There were no
Crown Jewels, Ernest!

This is all your fault!

You've ruined my life!

But I thought
you and me were--

Oh, you and me, nothing!

I'm a figure of
ridicule, a buffoon!

And none of it would have
happened if I hadn't have

joined you in this--

this idiot's adventure.

But I believed in you, Abner.

Oh, get out of my sight.

Never talk to me again.

I'm going home to
scrape together

what's left of my life.

But we were
Butch and Sundance.

Get in the real world, Ernest.

And keep out of mine.

I mean it.

Luke and Han Solo.

Ren and Stimpy.

Boy, this is just great.

Robin Hood finally finds
Little John and what happens?

He runs him out of
the Sherwood Forest.

Well, guess I just
tried too hard.

I guess I--

I'm just a lone wolf,
doomed to travel alone

on the highway of adventure.

[METAL CLANGS, ECHOES]

Ow.

[GRUNTING]

Ow!

[METAL CLANGS, ECHOES]

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!
God!

Ow!

[COUGHING]

I don't believe this.

What is this?

It weighs 600 pounds.

ERNEST: As Indiana
approaches and reaches

for his sacred prize, all his
senses are attuned to the power

that it brings.

As he unearths his
treasure, the entire focus

of the civilized world is
trained on this moment.

[IMITATES FANFARE]

(WITH ACCENT) Stand back
you groveling minions.

And prepare to meet
your sovereign.

Abner!
Abner!

Abner!

I haven't seen anything like
this since the Bay of Pigs.

ERNEST: Hey, Abner!

I found 'em!

I found the Crown Jewels!

They were in the
secret compartment!

They weren't in the barrel!

They were in the barrel.

The keg barrel!

Abner!

Hey, Abner!

Gentlemen.

Abner!

Come back!

Your entire life's work
has achieved its purpose!

Look, Abner!

I'm wearing the Crown
of England right on my--

head.

[LAUGHS]

Just uh, trying it
on to see if it fits.

You know, king for
a day and all that.

Nothing like a little
royalty to boost a guy's ego.

Know what I mean?

[LAUGHS]

Well, just a moment.

I'll-- I'll pop this thing
right off and give it to you.

[LAUGHS]

Yes, sir.

No problem.

[SQUEAKING]

Oh.

Get it off of him.

[GRUNTING]

Ow!

[METAL CLANKS]

[SQUEAKING]

[GRUNTING]

Oh, God, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, ow!

Ah!
Ah!

- Me turn.
- Ugh!

Ugh!
Ugh!

Ow.
THUG: Push!

Oh, push!

We've wasted enough time.

We'll take him to the clinic.

(SINGING) I'm
the Mighty Workboy

and I will work for you.

That's the chaps who
were with Melon's wife.

Assemble the unit.

BOTH: (SINGING) --wash
your dishes too.

Abner.

Oh!

Turtledove!

Are you all right?

Oh, you look a mess.

[GASPS]

There's a wittle bwuise.

Let nammy-nam make
'em all better.

There.

I saw that Ernest riding
that cannon thing.

And you were chasing
right after it.

And I thought to
myself, my widdle baby's

going to get a boo-boo.

Was that the thing you
were looking for, dear?

Yes, Nan, that's the thing.

Well, let's take those
troublesome jewels,

put them in the
back of the truck,

and I'll just make all
the press arrangements.

You know, I will have to
have a new outfit if I'm

going to be on "Donahue."

[LAUGHS]

Tell me I'm pretty.

You're pretty.

Oh, this is so exciting.

My little Abner's found the
Crown Jewels of England.

Gimme a kiss.

No we didn't.

What?

We didn't find
any jewels, Nan.

You didn't find any jewels?

That's what I said.

[SIGHS]

You know, this has that
Ernest written all over it.

It is a complete
mystery to me how

you can even stand to
be in the same room

with that inane redneck.

I just don't
understand it, Abner.

He embarrassed
you, not to mention

me, at Dr. Glencliff's clinic.

More to the point, he has now
caused you to lose your job.

Now, what on God's
green earth has

that Ernest ever done for you?

A lot!

Oh really?

Really.

As a matter of fact,
he's changed my life.

Well, I'm sorry, darling.

I just don't see it.

Abner--

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[MOANING]

(IMITATES ELVIS) Clear
enough for you now, baby?

Yeah.

A hubba hubba.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Ooh.

Ernest!

They got him.

Wait.

Listen, shouldn't you guys
have those little paper

masks on so your bad breath
won't give me any infections?

Ow!

I wouldn't worry
about infection.

No, of course not.

I've got medical insurance with
an 800-number and everything.

Cranial bone saw.

Have you been a
good blood donor?

Oh, not as good as I
should be, I suppose.

You're about to catch up.

[BUZZING]

[GRUNTS]

Oh, um, don't I get an
anesthetic, like an aspirin

or a bullet to bite?

Hold his head still.

Modern anesthetic has been
used successfully in operating

theaters since the early 1840s.

And who are we to scoff at the
success of modern medicine?

How about a couple of games
of golf to kind of, you know,

loosen this up a bit.

Ow.

[BUZZING]

Oh-- ahh!

Whew.

I'm glad it was the hard end.

[LAUGHS]

I don't believe this.

Whoa!

Ah!

Ow!

[GRUNTING]

[BEEPING]

[SWOOSHING]

Get back!

I'll call the cops!

Ah!

[GRUNTING]

Leave me alone!

Stop it!

Oh no you guys don't!

Stop!

FRANK: Those jewels--

JOE: --have got to
be around here--

FRANK: --somewhere.

Look!

BOTH: The stretch limo.

[LAUGHTER]

[BEEPING]

[GROANS]

[BEEPS]

Get up.

Get up. get up.

Worrell!

I'm going to gut you
like a dead fish.

[GRUNTS]

(AS ANNOUNCER) It's demolition
derby night at the fairgrounds.

And reverse is the
gear of choice.

[GROANING]

Sunday, Sunday,
Sunday, kids eat free.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUNTING]

[LAUGHS]

Oh no!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Time out.

King's X. Safeties.

Uh-- ah-- ah--

[WHIRRING]

Ah!

[SCREAMS]

Boy, this baby
really sucks dirt.

And scum.

I'll kill you!

Hold him back--

--further.

[VACUUM STOPS]

Well, I-- I think that
that concludes our uh--

--dem-- dem-demonstration.

Of the--

BOTH: --M-M-Mighty Workboy
h--h--home cleaning system.

Um-- (SINGING) I
am Mighty Workboy.

Oh!

DISPLAY: (SINGING)
I do upholstery

and wash your dishes too.

BOTH: I will work-- for-- you.

[CRUNCHES]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CREAKS]

ERNEST: Ow!

[GROANING]

Ouch.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Oh, sorry.
Sorry about--

- Oh!
- Oh!

Sorry!
Sorry.

Excuse me!
Sorry, pardon me.

Pardon me.

Oh.

Where is he?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GULPS]

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

[LAUGHS]

[GRUNTS]

[SNIFFS]

Ew.

Need a good doctor?

Come on, we can
get this crown off.

I know we can.
Let's be creative.

Hold still.

We haven't even tried
Mrs. Butterworth's.

GLENCLIFF: Hold still.

There we go.

Ah.

[LAUGHS]

Or olive oil.

[GRUNTS]

Or automatic transmission fluid.

[GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS]

Or lip gloss.

Lip gloss, you--

[GRUNTS]

Ha!

ERNEST: Moving target.

Moving target.

You can't hit a moving target.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hurry.
Hurry.

Step right up.

Three shots for $1.

[INAUDIBLE] for the little girl.

You couldn't hit the
broad side of a barn.

Hey you.

Stop.

You got some ID?

I'm Dr. Abner Melon.

I'm here to see Dr.
Radner Glencliff.

He-- he uh-- he wants to buy
this off me for $100,000.

Can you imagine?

Go figure.

Hey, I didn't say
you could pass.

Oh, uh, when dealing with
items of such rare antiquity,

it's best to go
right on through.

I don't know
nothing about that.

Now blow.

But surely you know
the danger of taking--

I'm done talking with you.

Now, beat it, pipsqueak.

Excuse me, sir,
I couldn't help

but admire that marvelous
uniform you're wearing.

And I was wondering, is
that a Wilson whistle?

[GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS]

Ran out of bullets,
didn't you, doc?

GLENCLIFF: I'll tear your
head off with my bare hands!

[GRUNTING]

[INHALING]

[GULPS]

[CHOKING]

Ow!

Ow!

Old football injury, huh?

[LAUGHS]

Oh no, I'm Bigfoot.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wait a minute!

[LAUGHS]

[GRUNTS]

GLENCLIFF: You wrecked my limo,
ruined my cranial bone saw.

ERNEST: You're tearing your rug.

GLENCLIFF: And worst of
all, demolished my mummy.

Aren't you forgetting
the Hippocratic Oath?

Weren't those axes
outlawed in Geneva?

Hold on, Ernest.

I'm coming.

You dear, sweet man.

What happened?

- He caught me off guard.
- Oh dear.

Tell me, which way to
Dr. Glencliff's office?

It's in the rear
of the building.

But you're not allowed--

Oh, but I think I am.

There we go.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh!

I should have
got the crown off

like this in the first place.

Wait a minute.

Has that thing been sterilized?

[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

No!

The dog ate my homework!

My foot's asleep!

I've got to go to the bathroom!

I haven't had a vaccination!

Don't kill me!

Don't kill me!

Don't kill me!

[GROANING]

[THUD]

Yes!

[SCREAMS]

Ernest, are you OK?

Are you all right?

[GROANS]

Oh, whoa.

Well, that Dr.
Glencliff is sure lucky

I didn't use the
Worrell death grip.

Uh-huh.

Look at the crown.

And the jewels!

Just look at it!

Unbelievable!

My theory is true!

We did it!

We did it!
[LAUGHS]

Feels good, doesn't it?

Uh-huh.

NAN: Ernest, you take that
crown off this instant

and you give it to my Abner.

You know, you are always
trying to take credit

for something you didn't do.

(AS ELVIS) Nan, cool it, baby.

Although those sapphires
really do bring out your eyes.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, hunk of burnin' love.

Ernest and I are going
to rewrite history, Nan.

BANDISH: I don't think so.

Her Majesty's Secret Service
is here to return the Jewels

to their rightful home.

The crown, please.

Well, it won't budge.

Believe me, we've all tried.

It won't come off.

Well then, by the laws
of Great Britain, he who

wears the crown shall be kind.

Oh no, no, I don't take
well to responsibility.

And besides, I'd-- I'd
have to learn the language.

Know what I mean?

I'm going to miss you, buddy.

Hey, what's that's
on your shirt?

[LAUGHS]

- I hate it when you do that!
- Hey!

Let go of my head!
- Noogie.

No noogies!
Time out!

No time out!

ABNER: King's X then!

ERNEST: No!

No King's X!

Time out, King's X
counts as a scooch!

ABNER: What?

I wasn't scooching!
I was hopping!

ERNEST: You were
scooching and looking

and that counts as a hop!

ABNER: Give me a second!

You said that
counted as a schooch!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

OK, Vern, I'm going to
explain this one more time.

It's my new movie,
"Ernest Goes to School."

And it's a whole lot of fun.

And here's my locker and--
and the football team,

and cafeteria food.

And Vern, they actually let
me handle some real books.

Vern, have you got
any more chalk?

That's OK.

I'll just use this pen.

See, what we're--

Oh.

Oh, doesn't that sound awful?

It kind of reminds you of this.

[NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD]

Know what I mean?

[MUSIC PLAYING]