All language subtitles for Transplant s03e09 Rumination.eng

This is affecting my work, Shay!

Oh, my God. You actually
care, don't you?

- No! Get off of me!
- Ah!

I'm not going to apologize
to Roberta Matheson

and if you have an issue
with that, let me know.

Well, the Theo you knew when we were
residents would have told him...

everything happens for a reason.

You don't believe that anymore?

You own stock in the company
that's marketing the ICD.

- Are you sure that that's not a conflict?
- Not according to the ethics board.

That's what you come up with?
My morals take too much space?

Do you think I'm naive
because I wanna be happy?

No! I think you burn things
down when they don't match

- your impossible standards.
- And you think you don't deserve things.

_

_

I was waiting 'til I
was a doctor again.

There's a part of me too that
all it knows is how to survive.

Do you think you can help me?

Okay sir, take
slow, deep breaths.

Lean forward.

Uh...

I'm so sorry about this.

Uh, I'll get another one.

'Kay.

Sports help.

Learn about hockey.

He shouldn't have to front
like that, should he?

I'd rather be alone with my thoughts
than force something I'm not.

You never say anything, Bashir.

Four sessions, not a word.

He doesn't have to.
And you know that.

Thank you. See you next week.

Hey man, fair disclosure.

You told me before you
even joined this group

that you hate the sound of your
own voice when you complain,

and I told you I
don't care if you come

for a whole year without
ever speaking up, so...

This was my father's.

I've used it every day since I
was a doctor in this country.

What a beautiful keepsake.

Hmm... I think I shouldn't
have been using it.

Then you would never
have enjoyed it.

But I ruined it.

This instrument lived a life.

It breaking doesn't
diminish that.

Then why can I only
see the pieces?

Have you and I spoken about
what we call rumination?

- It means...
- It's a constant pattern of negative thinking.

I was going to say,

if we keep doing
what we're doing,

we keep getting
what we're getting.

How much do you know about the
therapeutic use of psilocybin?

You want me to take
magic mushrooms?

I want us to find a way to
punch your brain in the face.

So Mister Coswell can leave.

Weren't you on twelve to twelve
last night? It's almost two.

Mrs. Oliveri's fever didn't break
so I booked her for a chest X-ray.

Look at you, remembering
everyone's names.

Makes me miss the days of Eye
Pain needs his cath drained.

Is that Shay?

First names now?

Show off.

Hey, what are you doing here?

You hurt yourself?

Technically no. I got
here at like four.

They had me in triage for three
hours. Another one for two.

I told them my pain
was a four but now...

it feels like a nine.

- What kind of pain, Shay?
- Right side, really sharp.

I was worried
about appendicitis.

She was sent to CT. I'll
go check if it's back.

Yeah.

Why didn't you tell
them to call me?

They said the wait was for
some big car crash overnight.

I figured you'd be busy.

Plus I... didn't know if you
wanted me explaining us to people.

I mean you could've texted.

Yeah, well, I was staying
up to work on this paper

and thought you'd just say
I was being dramatic or,

I don't know, just
making it worse.

That'd be pretty hypocritical of
me. I mean, I was up all night too.

Yeah, saving people,
not writing an essay

about how unlikely it is that
we'll ever stop climate chan...

- Ow!
- Okay...

You know, it was smart of you to
come in. You have acute appendicitis.

- I'm gonna have to get you into surgery.
- Surgery? No, I...

Look. It's fine, okay?

We can do it laparoscopically,
there's no big incision.

You'll be there?

Yeah. Look, I know
you're scared, okay?

But, I've done hundreds
of these, so I got you.

But we... we'd been talking about
turning it into a two-year lease.

You didn't even tell me you
were putting it on the market.

Yeah, well, maybe I
will get a lawyer.

- A lawyer?
- Yeah.

- The owner of my place is selling. I have to move.
- When?

I know it's not the
end of the world

but I've been trying to get
on top of health, and work,

and you know, live my life,
and now I have to find a place.

You know you can...
you can stay with me.

- No, I-I-I wasn't saying...
- No, no, I'm offering.

But it would only be like
a temporary offer. Right?

Just until Amira
comes back, not-not...

- Well, permanently? No, we can talk about that...
- 'Cause I wasn't saying...

No, it's just... When
Amira comes back,

- it might be...
- be impossible.

Let me go!

Need some help over
here! Hey! Hey!

- Here!
- Hey, hey, up, up!

- Eyes open!
- Ouch! Stop jerking me around, man!

- Eyes open, come on.
- What happened?

This idiot got into it with us.

But Van seemed like she was okay,
but she passed out in the squad car.

Did she fall or hit her head?

Cheese jostled her
around a lil' bit.

- Trying to get...
- Shut up and wait here!

He needs attention. You
want to take him to triage?

No, I'm gonna stay
with her. Arnold!

Do you know how
many weeks she is?

Just that she was supposed
to go on maternity leave.

She stayed on a week longer.

Let's get lines and a
monitor! I need vitals ASAP.

Calm down, man, you got me.

Pulse is thready.
She's cyanotic.

Slow resp rate. Unless you wanna
check for a fetal heart rate?

I really hope she's okay.

I hope she's okay!

Bash?

Bash!

Uh-uh... there's a heartbeat.

Let's get the fetal monitor up.

- What's wrong with her?
- Pupils are constricted.

Nail beds are blue. Do
you think that she's...

Arnold, uh, naloxone,
two milligram IV push.

Naloxone, you... you
think she's OD'ing?

Heart rate's 53 bpm.
Pressure's 100 over 70.

Okay, pushing naloxone...

Could she have come into contact
with anything at the scene?

Uh, fentanyl. Cheese deals it.

Pressure's still dropping, guys.

BP too. Let's push epi,
maybe more naloxone.

We need a crash cart in case. We
should really get him looked at.

Yeah, security can take him.
Arnold, if you want to come back?

Yeah. Come with me please.

Mags? Claire's asking for you.

A patient that you
know in curtain 6 is...

No, that's gonna have to wait...

Fetal heart rate's slowing,
she's still OD'ing.

Are you ready to
pee for us, Darcy?

Okay, do you think you
will be in a little bit?

I already went this morning.

You did? Where?

Yesterday it was in his bed,
last week it was the bathtub.

Is it that you can't
hold it, buddy?

Or that you can't feel
when you have to go?

Okay, does it hurt when you pee?

Right. All right I'm gonna
go talk to your mom, okay?

UTIs can cause confusion
and loss of control,

but in kids, they're usually
septic by that point,

and Darcy definitely is not.

I keep thinking what if it's us?

Let's not play the blame game until
we know where we are at medically.

Thank you.

- You're so nice.
- Right.

Well, uh, if you can think of any
other changes, you let me know.

Oh! Actually, um, he
has lost a bit of weight

since his dad took us
off meat and dairy.

Oh... Sorry.

I had to go across the street to
find the place that sells this.

Doctor Hunter wants
to test for a UTI.

Can we maybe also talk
to a psychiatrist?

I feel Darcy's having
a stress response

to how much you've been working.

Uh, we, uh... we
can look into that.

Great! I'll get
some fluids in him.

Hey buddy! How you doing?

How's the pregnant cop?

We stabilized her
twice but every time

the naloxone wears
off her O-two drops.

Did her partner come back?

Arnold took him to security.

He called this in.

Has OB come down?

Coming. Bash is still with Van,
and I have another patient waiting.

- Mags?
- What?

You are vibrating.

- Take a beat if you need it, okay?
- Okay.

Angry dad alert.

You know the kid with
blue-green algae poisoning?

Okay, well, I can take
a lot, but his father

has been on me every five...

Okay, I'll handle it if you can get
the kid in three to pee into a cup.

Doctor Hunter?

Doctor Hunter, it's
been three hours.

You told me he was
gonna get admitted.

Yes, I'm sorry, Mister
Hamilton, unfortunately,

internal medicine is still
waiting on a bed for Winston.

But he's still throwing up.
He can't keep anything down...

Okay, I will go check on him
after I see this next patient.

No! Oh no! I'm not here for you,

- I wanna talk to him.
- Mags, what are you doing here?

I asked Nancy to grab her.

Patrick is part of Doctor
Fisher's ICD study.

Did Fisher send you down
here to get rid of me?

'Cause you can't
bounce a bouncer, Mags.

Doctor Hunter? My son
really needs to see someone.

I'm an emerg doc now, Patrick.

Yeah, well, I want a
different emerg doctor now.

Doctor Hunter, Darcy's dad
says he can't have any sugar.

All right, all right! Everyone
just uh, hold on, for one minute.

Doctor Hunter.

Everything under control?

Everything's fine, thanks.

- Mags?
- Yes, got it.

No, she doesn't!

I don't care what we have to give
that kid, just get him peeing.

Mister Hamilton, I am
so sorry for the wait,

I will page internal again.

And we'll tell you the bed
shortage is province-wide

and we would love for
you to write to your MP.

Uh, this is Doctor Bergeron.

Mister Hamilton, I'll be
right in to see Winston.

Maybe we can get a
jump on some treatment

while we're waiting
on a bed upstairs?

Thank you.

Call me next time
things get hairy?

Man.

I thought the working conditions
in the bar business were rough.

Patrick was saying he's been
dizzy and uncoordinated?

Since his ICD gave him
a shock last night.

A shock? Did you
go into arrhythmia?

Yeah, right in the middle
of burgers with my grandkid.

I felt a tiny flutter and bam!

But my real problems
started after that.

Mm. Did you come
see Fisher's team?

Well, I called, they
looked at my data

and told me to take my
blood thinners but...

I was so out of it today
I almost crashed my bike.

Oh. Not Maurice.

No, uh, he's okay.

It scared me, Mags.

His pressure's steady
at 200 over 120.

- What's his baseline?
- High, but not that high.

Do you still smoke?

If I say yes, will you tell
me this is all my fault?

Look, I managed to get it
down to five a week, okay?

- I know it's not perfect but...
- Patrick, that's a huge improvement.

That's what I said to Fisher!

And all she said was, "Yeah,
well, zero's the goal."

Look.

I don't like this
thing inside me.

If I want it out, they
have to do it, right?

Before we make any
drastic decisions,

let me try getting to the
bottom of what happened, okay?

You abandoned me, Mags.

I'm sorry.

- Oh...
- Are you okay?

Should half my face feel numb?

- No, it shouldn't.
- But...

- Lie down for me?
- What...

- Here. I'll help you. Here. Okay.
- What's happening?

- Take my hands.
- Why ha...

Okay, squeeze my fingers.

Okay, that's good.
It's a good sign.

It's okay, just try to
breathe, okay, Patrick?

- Ah...
- Just relax.

That blue-green algae kid?

Needs transfusions,
monitoring. Probably surgery.

I'll start reqs, unless I
should check in with Devi?

No, no need, I have been
restored to my former glory.

Oh, good to know the system still
supports the man failing up.

Hey, uh, any thoughts on a kid
that will pee everywhere but a cup?

Eh... Dad thinks it's
behavioural, Mom isn't sure.

Don't think you
need me for that.

Actually, I do.

I think the mom might have
been flirting with me.

Actual flirting? Or
she smiled at you,

therefore she must want you?

Well, she implied that
her marriage isn't great.

I-I just... I need to be
careful with what I wade into.

Because Devi doesn't love you?

I did refuse to apologize when
a patient complained about me.

And you know, she doesn't
have years of stable Theo

to counter the recent record.

But it's really just eating
at me that I don't know

what's wrong with this kid.

Maybe you should take
another run at the mom.

Oh, you mean, flirt
with her? No, no way.

I thought you were a rebel now.

Look, if dialing up that
lethal Mister Rogers charm

is what it takes to help
the kid, it's worth it.

I'll even distract
the dad for you.

See you later.

Okay, this is looking more
inflamed than expected.

Can you clear the suction?

Uh, BP's up and O-two is down.

- What do you mean? What's going on?
- I don't know!

Okay, just get her
on 100% oxygen.

Can you get Doctor
Singh's attention?

I'm gonna stop retracting,
I don't wanna risk a tear.

- Pulse ox 90% now.
- Talk to me.

Her airway's compromised. I think
I might've missed something?

- Anaphylactic shock?
- She doesn't have any allergies.

I don't know what to do.

Doctor Curtis,
we've been through

way more stressful
situations with patients.

It's my sister. Okay?
I know I'm not supposed

to operate on family
but she's not breathing.

Does she have asthma or
underlying conditions?

There's a constriction.
Likely muscular.

I know you're
thinking bronchospasm

but wouldn't that
manifest during induction?

It's rare when the patient's
still under but it can happen.

At least her
wheezing is audible.

Right, 'cause if she's
wheezing then she's breathing.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

If she wasn't your
sister, what would you do?

I would put her on five
milligrams of salbutamol

and point five of ipratropium,
aerosol, through an ET tube.

I'd run follow-up
labs if I were you.

Bronchospasm doesn't just
happen out of the blue.

I overdosed more than once?

What about my baby?

Um, the heart rate went down
but it came back strong.

And the fentanyl?
Did it hurt him?

We won't know for sure
until after he's born,

but the fact that you're this
far along, it's a very good sign.

- Jack, wha... what happened?!
- Cheese.

He must've planted
something on you

when he came at you
and he attacked you.

How? I mean, he only got one
kick in before you were on him.

- Did you find a patch or a contact source?
- No.

I was so careful, I
didn't touch anything

in his place until
later in the car,

I had a headache and took a
pill from the hangover bottle

you keep in your coat, I...

It was your fentanyl?

They just looked like
regular pain pills!

I swiped a few
from Cheese, okay?

What do you want? I-I didn't...

You weren't supposed
to go in there!

I didn't think you
were gonna do that.

I'm sorry, okay? I
know it was stupid.

I know it was stupid, okay?

What does that mean?

- It means you're having a contraction.
- Wha...

My student said you
sent her to the fileroom

- for six weeks of data on some...
- On Patrick Camby. He's in emerg.

He's a big guy. Talks
about his grandkid.

Rides a motorcycle
named Maurice.

Patent foramen ovale defect.

Putting him at a higher
risk for a stroke

from clots caused by the device.

Patrick suffered a
series of mini-strokes

which started after his
ICD delivered a shock.

A shock that saved his life.

Well, per his readout, the
shock was only precautionary,

and now given the higher risk for a
stroke, Patrick wants his ICD out.

That would be a mistake. His
arrhythmia needs to be managed.

And you can't say definitively
the device caused clots.

Especially given that
Patrick lives pretty hard.

Not as much anymore.

Which he tried explaining
to your resident.

Send him upstairs.

And by the way, Mags, according
to your remote monitoring,

you've been pushing
it the last few weeks.

If you wanna avoid
another incident...

I'd appreciate if we stay
focused on the patients.

You're not part of this
study anymore, Mags.

So the patient we should be
discussing right now is you,

in my capacity as
your cardiologist.

Actually you're not anymore.

I don't want a doctor
who blames her patients

instead of listening to them.

Mister Applebaum? I hear you
are having difficulty breathing?

Uh, it's getting worse.

Your resp rate is too fast,
and your O-two sats are low.

That cop messed me up, man.
He hit me in the throat.

You did kick his
pregnant partner.

I tripped 'cause
he was all over me.

- Well, now... now I'm gonna die?
- Open your mouth, please.

Thank you.

Inside looks okay.

Nothing seems to be broken

but we'll do imaging
just to be sure,

and we'll keep you on oxygen
until everything eases up.

What about him though?

He just gets away with using me
as a punching bag for his rage?

How is that right?

Well, you can take action if
you'd like, Mister Applebaum.

- You don't have to do nothing.
- It's Cheese.

Okay.

I must've lost count
on the amount of times

that I've bought
goodwill with a McFlurry.

Now you can see where my
son gets his defiance trait.

Hey, your secret
is safe with me.

- How many do you have?
- Uh, two girls.

- Uh, they live in Sudbury with my ex, so...
- Oh.

I probably go a little
overboard on my days.

I get that.

Reid's uh, the one around more,

so it's like he took all
of his purpose in life and

channeled it into Darcy.

- And since I'm there less...
- Any second you get with Darcy,

you want it to be fun, I get it.

Yeah, exactly.

Um, I just know he can
pick up on my frustration.

Uh, I'm... I'm sorry if you
got the wrong idea here, uh...

Oh God, no. Uh, I'm sorry.

- I've humiliated myself.
- No! No, no!

You just misread the
situation, it's fine.

- Oh no! No! No, no, - No,
it's really okay, it...

No! No, no, Darcy, stop!

Honey, what are you doing?!

At least we got the sample.

Aubrey. I don't
want him leaving.

They told me sixth
floor cardiology.

And I'm telling you no.

Oh man.

I've trained guys on doors
that are six four, two fifty,

and they didn't have
that kind of ferocity.

- How you doing, Patrick?
- Good.

No more tingling, whatever
you gave me seem to help.

Yeah, clot-busting drugs. But I
wanna keep monitoring you, so...

Oh, meaning Fisher
doesn't wanna take it out.

Well, let's say I
got pretty ferocious

with them about not listening
to you, which is probably why

she wants you upstairs because
she wants to try to convince you

- that I'm wrong, but...
- Wait,

because you lost your
cool, I gotta pay for it?

I'm sorry, it's just
her position on the ICD

is that if you want it out, you
need to make the case yourself.

I can't, Mags, it
takes multiple degrees!

- Wait!
- To argue with a doctor like that.

It's all stats and percentages!

- I've always lived my life balls out! You know?
- I know.

And what if she's
right, huh? I mean,

I'm trying to do better.

And try to stick around for
my daughter and her boy but...

It was stupid to think that
a lifetime of bad choices

- wasn't gonna catch up to me.
- No, don't blame yourself.

If you say that the ICD
caused this, I believe you.

And you get to live
the life you want.

You're the reason I signed up for
this study in the first place, Mags.

Because you talk to
your patients like...

like you get them.

Because I am one.

Huh?

That's the reason why I left.

My own heart gave out
and I almost died.

Jeez.

You're too young for that, kid.

I'm gonna fix this. Sit tight.

'Kay.

Hey, where's Cheese? Uh, he
needed imaging for his throat.

Security's with him.

- Van's baby gonna be okay?
- OB's been consulting.

They don't think there's
enough narcotic in him

to put him in withdrawal,

but he did go without
oxygen several times.

She's the only reason
Cheese is still breathing.

She made me stop.
It's what she does.

I don't know why I'm like this.

Do you want to come inside?

Hi Van, how are you feeling?

The OB says there's still a
chance you can stop my labour.

They gave you something to
slow down your contractions.

Is there anyone we can
call to come support you?

Uh, the father's
out of the picture.

My friend's my labour coach,
I left a message, but...

I'd say to call the person
who's supposed to have my back,

but he's got an anger problem
and turns to booze, violence

and apparently now street
fentanyl as an outlet.

Yeah, I-I'm sorry, okay, I'm...

You don't understand, I am freaked
about doing the job without you.

I needed to get out of my
head for a night, that's it.

I know you're your own worst
enemy, but do you have to be mine?!

Ah! Ah!

I thought you said the
contractions were gonna stop.

Uh... um, would you mind
if I checked for dilation?

Uh... Okay. Uh, Jack...

Wait.

Van, you're almost
fully dilated.

Um, because of
the risk involved,

you'll have to deliver
this baby in emerg.

That wasn't the plan, I can't give
birth in the ER while overdosing.

What happens if
I pass out again?

- We'll revive you.
- I shouldn't be here.

You don't get to walk away!

- I am sorry...
- Stop being sorry!

Okay? I know you have a good
heart, I just need you to prove it!

How?

I need to know you'll be there
for my baby if I pass out again.

Okay, just promise me you won't
let him out of your sight.

Can you do that for
me, Jack? Please.

Yeah.

- You're finally awake.
- Hey.

You're right, it
wasn't all that bad.

Why are you taking sumatriptan?

- What?
- Sumatriptan.

- Oh... I get headaches.
- Is it prescribed?

No, it... it's my friend, he gets
migraines, he said it might help.

The triptans may have interfered
with your antidepressants,

causing something called
serotonin syndrome.

You stopped breathing
during the operation, Shay.

- You're upset...
- I was worried.

I mean... we didn't know
if we were gonna lose you.

Okay. Okay. I'm... I'm sorry.

Why are you even taking
medication without a prescription?

Maybe 'cause I can be a little bit
bipolar, and when I am, I get aura.

What is that... a little bit... what
are... are you diagnosed bipolar?

The migraine meds help,

but they don't weigh me down
like my mood stabilizers do.

Shay, you had me thinking
you have depression.

I do. Also...

You know this is
starting to make sense.

Not sleeping for days,
the highs, the lows...

Why didn't you tell me?

It's always the edge
of a knife with you.

You have this way of
making me feel like

all I do is
disappoint you and...

- You're all I have, June! Just...
- Okay.

Just breathe.

I'm still here.

I knew deep down that some
patients were at risk in that study

but I walked away
for my own health.

And to make up for that, you want
me to remove an ICD in Trauma OR?

It's the only way! Patrick is
at risk of a larger stroke,

and Fisher won't listen to me.

Okay, look, her heart rate
is all over the place.

I need you to get
me a portable echo.

I'd page cardiology myself

but I'm still fighting
OB to keep her down here.

And you need someone
you can trust.

- Yeah.
- Hey, um...

maybe you should try
apologizing to Fisher?

She might reconsider.
She's your doctor too.

Actually, she's not
anymore. I fired her.

But... you don't have a cardiologist?
Mags, why would you do that?

Because I needed
someone I can trust too.

Look, we have to talk
about this later.

- Okay.
- Okay?

- Can you get me the portable echo?
- Yes.

All right, thank you.

So, let these run through,

and you can call the
home care nurse or me

with questions any
time day or night.

- Thank you, Doctor Bergeron.
- You're welcome.

You taught dad how to
change saline at home?

Empower the patient,
save the bed?

What did he mean, Mommy
was touching the doctor?

- It isn't what you think.
- Yes, it is, Reid.

He was just being nice
and I got caught up,

so if you have a problem
with anyone, it's with me.

Well, I've got a
problem with all of it.

No, that... that is
not what happened.

Uh, actually, this one's on
me, with dysfunctional parents,

divide and conquer
sometimes works.

Fix this, please.

Uh, the sample we got from
Darcy, it smelled sugary?

Uh, kinda sticky sweet.

- That's strange 'cause Dad says they don't eat sugar.
- Yeah.

But if Mom's giving him
meat when Dad's not looking,

maybe Darcy can't
digest the protein.

Maple Syrup Urine Disease. I
mean it usually starts at birth.

Yeah, it may not show up until
triggered by diet or stress though.

I will run white blood
cells to confirm.

Doubt it'll save the marriage.

No.

I know you're tired, Van, but
I need you to push harder.

Okay, how are we doing in here?

Started pushing after the
last two contractions.

Her birthing coach
still isn't here.

Van, I'm gonna be using this
wand to look at your heart

and try and find out why
it's beating so fast.

She's okay, though?

Van, take the time between
contractions to keep your breaths even.

- Here, gimme your hand.
- Contractility's weak.

She's cyanotic and I can
see fluid in her lungs.

Hey, you're braver than
I was at this point.

Just screaming for an epidural
before we even parked the car.

It's not as bad as the time
Jack crashed our squad car

trying to stop that chase.

Hey... at least, I, uh, I
made the car crash on my side.

You took 20 stitches to keep
that glass from hitting me.

Based on what we're seeing, what
worries me is amniotic fluid embolism.

Because of the fentanyl?

No, it happens when amniotic
fluid gets in your bloodstream

and causes complications
during labour.

Although the continuing
effects of the overdose

and the weakened state of your
body could exacerbate things.

Uh, what does that
mean for my baby?

It means we need to get
him out as soon as we can,

ideally via C-section.
Is it too late to pivot?

- I had the same thought.
- No! I don't want a C-section.

- Van, you're already exhausted.
- I can push!

- Listen to the doctors, Van.
- Can we page an anesthesiologist?

- I don't think you're...
- There's already one on standby.

- And we have everything we need.
- Time out! Okay?

It's not what Van
wants, gentlemen,

so let's at least hear the other
side before choosing for her?

A C-section means
more blood loss,

and multiple transfusions
if the embolism progresses.

Plus they take
longer to heal from.

Please. You gotta let me try.

Okay. I can see a case for that.

Here comes another contraction.

Three, two, one...

Push, push, push, push, push,
push, push, push, push, push!

Ah!

Jeez! What the hell
are you doing?!

- Taking action like you said!
- I meant get a lawyer!!

- I'm gonna kill you!
- No, Jack, you promised!

Ugh!

Jack, stop!

Code white!

Code white! Call
it in right now!

Clear the hallways!

- Clear the hallways!
- Clear the halls!

Her sats are falling!

We're losing the
baby's heart rate!

Agh!

Van! Focus! Another big push!

Okay? You can do this!

Three, two, one!

Okay, let's have the vac on standby!
We may need to help him out.

- Okay, it's enough!
- Stay out of it!

Ah!

You're dead! You're dead!

- That's enough, Jack!
- No, get off of me!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa! Code silver!

Code silver!

Bash!

Code silver in the
Emergency Department.

Code silver in the
Emergency Department.

Cheese?

Okay. Jack, don't move!

He stopped crying.

He looks hypoxic and
lethargic, he needs NICU now!

I need to be with the baby.
That's all she wanted me to do.

Hey, hey, Jack, Jack, don't
move. Don't move! Don't move!

- We need to clamp and cut.
- Come on, baby.

Where are you taking him?

They need to X-ray
his chest to make sure

that he's getting enough air.

Pulmonary edema!

She needs ventilation and transfusions
for the embolism right now!

I can't feel my legs.

I can't...

Hey! Hey! Come here!

Here! Pressure! Here!

Okay.

Okay.

Stay with us, Jack.

I'm just worried about you.

I didn't ask you to come.

I thought we were
coming in together.

June, you knew about this?

- You called my mother?
- I texted June a month ago,

since I wanted to
know how you were.

You guys have been
talking this whole time?

Not the whole time, just
a couple times until...

- She just wants to help, Shay.
- Like you know how to do that.

I know enough to
accept my limits,

and that I need
to set boundaries

- which is what June is doing.
- What did she tell you?

That I ignore the problem until I do
something stupid like crash a car?

- Or go missing for three weeks.
- That was...

all you do is blame me!

I know you see it that way,

but when you get to self-medicating,
I have to be the bad guy.

It's what happens every time.

And I'll do it again, Shay.

I'll keep doing it
over and over again.

You know, you said that I'm
the only person you have

but that's not really true,
I mean, you have your mom.

The fact that she's
here and she's facing...

- You just think I'm too much.
- No, I think I'm not enough!

You keep looking at
me like I'm someone

who can handle
everything and I can't!

I don't wanna lose
you so I ask for help.

That's what we want,
Shay, it's to help.

Both of you get out!

- Get out! I will live with Kenzie!
- Kenzie...

- Shay.
- My stomach hurts, I wanna rest.

Shay.

So...

it was healing
really well, and...

a couple weeks ago,
I opened it up again.

It got infected
and that's why...

it's still tender.

Why would you do that?

'Cause I used to cut myself.

And I've managed mostly to
stop, but sometimes it's j...

Look, you just gotta
trust me, okay?

Shay, you... you need help.

No.

Twenty-five milligrams.

Thirty minutes to kick in.

Honestly I'm surprised you
agreed to this so quickly.

The dosage, that's enough to
produce a hallucinogenic reaction?

Not for everyone.

The idea is to activate
a dream-like state.

Some patients say memories
pop up like little films.

Others just feel relaxed
and some feel nothing.

So I just... lie
down there and...

You'll choose a playlist, take a
few deep breaths, and it will start.

And it's normal to be nervous.

But just so you know, you're
totally in control of this.

Did you hear the
code silver today?

- A few hours ago?
- The cop who got shot?

His partner had a baby
right before it happened.

Did he make it?

For a minute we weren't
sure if he would, but...

you know, we got him to OR
and now it's just wait and see

if he'll walk again.

The way he let his damage drag
down everyone around him...

after seeing that fallout,

I decided to...

Let me try punching
your brain in the face?

Uh, should I be concerned
about doing this

so soon after all
that adrenaline?

Do you still feel heightened?

Good.

My mother used to say if
I tried drugs even once,

I'd ruin my life and
never become a doctor.

Mine too. Were you born here?

No. We came from Iran
when I was a baby.

And now you're a doctor
who prescribes drugs.

To other doctors whose mothers
would be equally appalled.

You'll stay?

I'll stay.

They keep him on a strict
diet, they'll manage.

Did she...

sort of use me to force
things with her husband?

Give it a month and find her on
Tinder. You can use her back.

Uh, not really my thing.

Oh, dude, please, have some fun.

By the way. Doctor Devi wants
me to come work in emerg.

Oh, in peds? I mean, with me doing
more crossover it'd make sense.

No, actually she said
the attending job,

the one you have,
is up for grabs.

Uh...

not really sure how
I feel about that.

Yeah, well, I said yes.

Mags.

I've been trying to catch everyone
who was in Trauma earlier.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I think so.

How are you doing?

Well, I've never been in this
kind of situation before.

Or dealt with the aftermath.

Well, you should
take your own advice.

Don't forget to take a
beat if you need one.

Also this cardiology patient that
you don't wanna send upstairs...

Patrick Camby, yeah, I
was gonna tell you before

but I was hoping we could get
a surgeon to remove his ICD.

Not without the support
of his cardiologist.

But you haven't
heard the reasons.

I've read your extensive notes.

- And even if you're right...
- I am.

And that's what Patrick wants.

Fisher makes a good case
for why she disagrees.

But, er... in the birth,
you fought for Van

and you always fight
for the patient.

Why is this any different?

Directly contravening the head
of cardiology on her own patient?

So it's a question of politics.

Oh, it's okay,
sweetie. It's okay.

You're gonna be all right.

Nancy is quitting nursing.

She said she doesn't know what
she wants to do with her life, but

it can't be this.

You don't seem afraid anymore.

No.

What do you think
you were afraid of?

Feeling uninhibited?
Feeling vulnerable?

Maybe.

Okay, so how does this work now?

You tell me.

Is there anything
you wanna talk about?

Anything you remember from
when the drug was more active?

Rumination.

I'm surprised you haven't asked.

- Why do you say that?
- Well, I kept saying it.

- Out loud?
- Wasn't I?

Okay, um...

It means contemplation,
but it sounds like ruin.

Uh, those things are
in such contrast.

Beauty and darkness.

Like my father's stethoscope.

Rumen means the stomach
of ruminant animals, cows.

So the word literally
means chewing the cud.

Any idea what you
were ruminating on?

Only that I also saw the sky

just full of stars.

A memory?

A beautiful night.

Do you remember where? When?

In the belly of a
bombed out building.

We were searching for survivors.

Beauty and darkness again.

What if I'm not capable of
seeing one without the other?

I...

Of separating damage from good?

Say more, Bashir.

Okay, so...

when that gun went off today,

I wasn't scared.

But this morning, Mags and I...

tried talking about the future?

And I couldn't see it.

Even though I want to.

Is it possible that's
what you're afraid of?

Not of feeling vulnerable,
but of feeling happy?

Maybe.

Probably.

What are you thinking about now?

Cows.

Chewing, digesting,
purging and then...

starting all over again.

Patrick? Patrick?

I wanted to give you my number.

So you can text me
if ever you feel any

of the warning signs
we talked about.

- Thanks, Mags.
- Yeah.

I'm... I'm sorry that my
loophole didn't pan out.

Ah, don't worry about it.
I figured it on my own.

Really? What does that mean?

Oh, I... I had a buddy
bring in a magnet.

According to Doctor Google,

it'll stop my ICD from shocking
me as long as it's close enough.

No, Patrick, I don't
think that's a good idea.

Medically speaking, we
don't know how that works

- or what kind of side effects you could have. You...
- Mags. Mags. Mags.

You were right when you
told me to trust how I feel.

Now whether I can convince
Fisher to take this out

or find somebody else to do it,

I gotta make sense out of all
this the only way I know how.

And that's balls out.

Catch you later, kid.

You're on graveyard again?

How was your sister?

Well, you were right, there
was something underlying

so I forced her to confront it,

and she left.

Ah...

June.

Look, I... I know I put a lot of
pressure on you to be a mentor to me,

and maybe in some ways
that you didn't wanna be.

All I hear from that
is that I failed you.

No, that's not what I mean, I...

I just didn't realize
what I was asking of you.

Did you get any sleep
between graveyards?

- Go home. I'll cover.
- You don't have to do that.

Go, before I change my mind.

Nothing.

Well, uh... it's
going to take time,

a lot of hard work and
rehab to know for sure.

I called my CO.

Told him everything.

They got Cheese in a holding
cell and um, I'm up for review.

That must have been very hard.

Have you seen Van? The baby?

She's not coming
to see me, is she?

Yeah.

I wish Cheese had better aim.

I'm gonna find a
new cardiologist.

Yeah but when?

You almost died and now there's
no one monitoring your heart.

Yeah, I-I-I need you
to have my back, okay?

Not just to offload your fears.

Okay.

- Bash, when that gun went off today, it was...
- Hey. Hey.

We're okay.

Did you go through
with the psilocybin?

I did.

Were you high? How did it feel?

Hmm... uh, I don't
think I was high, but...

I felt lighter.

And now?

I think I'm gonna find
some place else to live.

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