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1
00:00:01,269 --> 00:00:03,006
♪ I'm in the dog house ♪
2
00:00:03,106 --> 00:00:06,279
♪ 'Cause I let the cat
out of the stupid bag ♪
3
00:00:06,279 --> 00:00:08,885
♪ Like every winter,
let the chicken out ♪
4
00:00:08,885 --> 00:00:10,588
♪ And drop off like a flag ♪
5
00:00:10,588 --> 00:00:13,794
♪ There's something smelling
mighty fishy ♪
6
00:00:13,794 --> 00:00:16,232
♪ This time of year ♪
7
00:00:16,232 --> 00:00:18,938
♪ Monkey see, monkey do ♪
8
00:00:18,938 --> 00:00:21,644
♪ Hold your horses,
I'll take two ♪
9
00:00:21,644 --> 00:00:23,781
♪ Woofin' around ♪
10
00:00:23,781 --> 00:00:26,152
♪ Woofin' about ♪
11
00:00:26,152 --> 00:00:28,891
♪ I'm gonna make you a mess ♪
12
00:00:28,891 --> 00:00:32,599
♪ 'Cause I love you ♪
13
00:00:32,599 --> 00:00:34,135
[chuckles]
14
00:00:34,570 --> 00:00:38,611
Are you ready
for your present?
15
00:00:38,611 --> 00:00:40,848
Oh, Darla, that's lovely.
16
00:00:40,848 --> 00:00:42,586
But it's never going to fit.
17
00:00:42,586 --> 00:00:46,059
Well, not with that attitude
it's not.
18
00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:49,465
[jazzy holiday music]
19
00:00:49,465 --> 00:00:56,446
♪ ♪
20
00:00:56,446 --> 00:00:57,983
[meows]
21
00:00:57,983 --> 00:01:02,091
♪ ♪
22
00:01:02,091 --> 00:01:04,328
I can't return it.
I'm not gonna return it.
23
00:01:04,328 --> 00:01:06,099
The antlers are slimming.
The sweater will make him
24
00:01:06,099 --> 00:01:07,268
look fat.
- [sighs]
25
00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:09,506
Don't you body shame
our dog.
26
00:01:09,506 --> 00:01:11,877
The holidays suck!
27
00:01:11,877 --> 00:01:14,015
Breathe, Jill, breathe.
28
00:01:14,015 --> 00:01:15,885
Uh, can you bring it down
a skosh?
29
00:01:15,885 --> 00:01:17,187
I'm trying to squeeze in
a quick nap
30
00:01:17,187 --> 00:01:19,826
before nap time.
- How can you sleep?
31
00:01:19,826 --> 00:01:21,162
You know how every
The Holidays,
32
00:01:21,162 --> 00:01:23,366
Jill gets so stressed
when her mom and Nathan visit.
33
00:01:23,366 --> 00:01:25,972
And you know how stressed I get
when Jill's stressed.
34
00:01:25,972 --> 00:01:28,276
It's just all so stressful!
Aaah!
35
00:01:28,276 --> 00:01:31,215
If I put my mom's decorations
up before she gets here,
36
00:01:31,215 --> 00:01:33,721
our relationship might
finally turn a corner.
37
00:01:33,721 --> 00:01:35,257
[chuckles weakly]
Okay.
38
00:01:35,257 --> 00:01:38,096
That's a collectible.
Do I want to put that out?
39
00:01:38,096 --> 00:01:40,100
This year,
I was really hoping
40
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,537
Jill would advocate
for herself.
41
00:01:41,537 --> 00:01:44,208
And I was hoping you'd stop
being a wet blanket
42
00:01:44,208 --> 00:01:46,312
so we could have some
The Holidays fun.
43
00:01:46,312 --> 00:01:49,753
Oh! Let's get our heads stuck
in presents and panic.
44
00:01:49,753 --> 00:01:51,890
[laughs]
- Would you stop?
45
00:01:51,890 --> 00:01:52,859
I'm trying to have...
[crash]
46
00:01:52,859 --> 00:01:54,228
A serious--
- Aah! Help!
47
00:01:54,228 --> 00:01:56,165
I'm stuck
in this present somehow.
48
00:01:56,165 --> 00:01:57,969
[chuckles] This is awesome.
49
00:01:57,969 --> 00:01:59,873
Also, this is terrifying.
50
00:01:59,873 --> 00:02:01,777
Mom's hideous ceramic wreath.
51
00:02:01,777 --> 00:02:03,748
I just have to get that up.
[doorbell rings]
52
00:02:03,748 --> 00:02:06,920
Oh, we're not ready, Jill.
We're not ready!
53
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,793
- Hello, Jill.
- Hello, Honey.
54
00:02:09,793 --> 00:02:11,630
Nathan. Merry The Holidays.
55
00:02:11,630 --> 00:02:13,033
We'll see.
56
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,003
Grandma and Uncle Nathan
are here!
57
00:02:15,003 --> 00:02:16,139
[gasps]
[wreath shatters]
58
00:02:16,139 --> 00:02:19,178
Oh, sorry, Mom.
I'm such a klutz.
59
00:02:19,178 --> 00:02:21,282
It's not your fault.
60
00:02:21,282 --> 00:02:23,788
I should have stopped
having kids at none.
61
00:02:23,888 --> 00:02:25,625
Zing.
[chuckles]
62
00:02:25,625 --> 00:02:27,896
[The Nutcracker's "Dance of
the Sugar Plum Fairy"]
63
00:02:27,896 --> 00:02:29,265
Pet me, Jill.
We both need it.
64
00:02:29,265 --> 00:02:31,436
Please, for the love
of all that is holy,
65
00:02:31,537 --> 00:02:33,808
pet me, you beautiful
son of a bitch!
66
00:02:33,808 --> 00:02:35,277
God, she's pathetic.
67
00:02:35,277 --> 00:02:38,918
If this isn't the last
The Holidays we spend here,
68
00:02:38,918 --> 00:02:40,788
I'm going to ask
for a woodchipper
69
00:02:40,788 --> 00:02:42,559
so I can fly into it.
70
00:02:42,559 --> 00:02:45,665
Maybe there's a way
to spice things up a little.
71
00:02:45,665 --> 00:02:46,867
Ooh.
72
00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:48,804
Oh, Chief, ol' boy.
73
00:02:48,804 --> 00:02:51,075
Look, Kris Kringle has arrived.
74
00:02:51,175 --> 00:02:52,779
Hurry! Warn everyone.
75
00:02:52,779 --> 00:02:54,382
Aah! He's here!
76
00:02:54,382 --> 00:02:57,756
Kris Kringle's here!
Here, here, here!
77
00:02:57,756 --> 00:02:59,091
[sobs] Chief.
78
00:02:59,091 --> 00:03:02,131
You're so sparkly
and beautiful.
79
00:03:02,131 --> 00:03:04,001
- No, don't lick me. Don't.
- [chuckles]
80
00:03:04,001 --> 00:03:05,705
God, just because
you're a dog
81
00:03:05,705 --> 00:03:07,942
doesn't mean you have to act
like one.
82
00:03:07,942 --> 00:03:09,011
Ouch.
83
00:03:09,011 --> 00:03:10,247
[bell jingles]
84
00:03:10,247 --> 00:03:12,151
Here, Honey,
let me get that.
85
00:03:12,151 --> 00:03:13,821
- Aah!
- [chuckles]
86
00:03:13,821 --> 00:03:14,923
Get it out. Get it out!
87
00:03:14,923 --> 00:03:15,992
Oh, no!
That is glued in there.
88
00:03:15,992 --> 00:03:19,131
We have to get her to the vet
to remove it. Stat!
89
00:03:19,131 --> 00:03:20,501
Because of you,
90
00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:22,872
I'm spending The Holidays
at the vet!
91
00:03:22,872 --> 00:03:24,442
[door slams]
92
00:03:24,543 --> 00:03:25,477
Aw.
93
00:03:25,645 --> 00:03:28,316
It's okay. I know
Chief didn't mean to do this.
94
00:03:28,316 --> 00:03:29,318
Well, of course he didn't.
95
00:03:29,318 --> 00:03:31,857
That's why he needs
discipline and structure.
96
00:03:31,857 --> 00:03:33,093
And you offer none of that.
97
00:03:33,193 --> 00:03:35,097
Bad owner. Bad owner!
98
00:03:35,097 --> 00:03:37,101
- Ugh.
- Okay, Mom.
99
00:03:37,101 --> 00:03:38,671
I know what you're thinking.
100
00:03:38,671 --> 00:03:40,808
Just say it.
101
00:03:40,808 --> 00:03:42,177
I hate your haircut.
102
00:03:42,177 --> 00:03:44,348
[upbeat music]
103
00:03:44,348 --> 00:03:46,553
♪ Deck the halls
with Davey Spadey ♪
104
00:03:46,553 --> 00:03:48,389
♪ Deedle-deedle-dee,
da-beep-bop-boop ♪
105
00:03:48,389 --> 00:03:51,162
Our first annual
Holi-Dave Bash!
106
00:03:51,162 --> 00:03:53,099
Oh, I miss my old Ray,
107
00:03:53,099 --> 00:03:55,905
but man, am I glad he left us
to Spade.
108
00:03:55,905 --> 00:03:57,509
He and I are BFFs already.
109
00:03:57,509 --> 00:04:01,349
And I overheard him saying
I'm gonna be the Christmas ham!
110
00:04:01,349 --> 00:04:03,954
- What?
- Oh, don't be jealous.
111
00:04:03,954 --> 00:04:05,424
Performing is in my blood.
112
00:04:05,424 --> 00:04:07,862
So if anyone's gonna ham it up
for the guests,
113
00:04:07,862 --> 00:04:09,098
it's gonna be me.
114
00:04:09,098 --> 00:04:12,204
I'm planning this one
really hammy bit
115
00:04:12,204 --> 00:04:15,912
where I shove streamers
in my snout and ka-pow!
116
00:04:15,912 --> 00:04:17,916
Um, Max?
I don't think that's
117
00:04:17,916 --> 00:04:20,688
what they're looking for
from the Christmas ham.
118
00:04:20,688 --> 00:04:21,623
♪ ♪
119
00:04:21,623 --> 00:04:24,128
Ah, we'll get
that pinecone out of there.
120
00:04:24,128 --> 00:04:26,399
It's a simple procedure.
No harm done.
121
00:04:26,399 --> 00:04:28,136
What about
the emotional trauma?
122
00:04:28,136 --> 00:04:29,438
And not just from this,
123
00:04:29,438 --> 00:04:32,177
but the trauma of living
with Chief and Jill.
124
00:04:32,177 --> 00:04:33,914
Not that you care about that.
125
00:04:33,914 --> 00:04:35,852
Typical western medicine ideology.
126
00:04:35,852 --> 00:04:37,387
[barking]
- Whoa!
127
00:04:37,387 --> 00:04:40,193
Don't you realize you have
to treat the whole dog?
128
00:04:40,193 --> 00:04:42,431
[barks]
Ooh, pills!
129
00:04:42,431 --> 00:04:44,401
Ooh, these should take
the edge off.
130
00:04:44,401 --> 00:04:46,707
- [sighs]
- Hey, Doc, are you single?
131
00:04:46,707 --> 00:04:49,579
Don't look at her now.
Her hair will grow out.
132
00:04:49,579 --> 00:04:50,882
[sighs]
133
00:04:50,882 --> 00:04:52,652
Ooh, pills.
134
00:04:52,652 --> 00:04:53,654
[gulps]
135
00:04:53,654 --> 00:04:54,689
[sighs]
136
00:04:54,689 --> 00:04:57,261
[dramatic music]
137
00:04:57,261 --> 00:04:58,831
Oh, golden Buddha-Dog,
138
00:04:58,931 --> 00:05:02,739
why can't I be part of a family
that's more like me?
139
00:05:02,739 --> 00:05:05,745
♪ ♪
140
00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:08,551
- Eat me?
- Yes.
141
00:05:08,551 --> 00:05:11,155
That's what Spade means
by Christmas ham.
142
00:05:11,155 --> 00:05:13,159
[chuckles]
Okay, Larrabee, please.
143
00:05:13,159 --> 00:05:14,461
Come on, Max.
144
00:05:14,461 --> 00:05:17,467
The incomparable Dana Carvey
is here.
145
00:05:17,569 --> 00:05:20,106
You're the dinner,
not the theater.
146
00:05:20,106 --> 00:05:22,077
Oh, my God!
147
00:05:22,077 --> 00:05:23,112
[grunts]
148
00:05:23,112 --> 00:05:25,016
♪ ♪
149
00:05:25,016 --> 00:05:26,285
Yeah, ooh.
150
00:05:26,285 --> 00:05:27,789
Right there, right there.
151
00:05:27,789 --> 00:05:29,024
[fire sizzling]
152
00:05:29,024 --> 00:05:30,327
♪ ♪
153
00:05:30,327 --> 00:05:32,799
[gasps]
Spade's gonna eat me.
154
00:05:32,799 --> 00:05:34,168
[horns wheezes]
155
00:05:34,168 --> 00:05:36,707
Max? Max.
[knife swishing]
156
00:05:36,707 --> 00:05:37,742
Where are you?
157
00:05:37,742 --> 00:05:39,445
Where's my yummy boy?
- [gasps]
158
00:05:39,445 --> 00:05:41,249
Oh, crap.
[horn wheezes]
159
00:05:41,249 --> 00:05:42,451
I gotta get out of here.
160
00:05:42,451 --> 00:05:45,858
Don't tell Spade
I've never seen "Tommy Boy"!
161
00:05:45,858 --> 00:05:47,929
[upbeat music]
162
00:05:47,929 --> 00:05:49,398
Jill. Jill.
163
00:05:49,398 --> 00:05:53,439
Jill!
- Hi, Honey.
164
00:05:53,439 --> 00:05:55,845
Do I get to go home
with you?
165
00:05:55,845 --> 00:05:57,715
[chuckles]
166
00:05:57,715 --> 00:05:58,984
[phone rings]
- Happy The Holidays,
167
00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:00,120
please hold.
168
00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,291
Happy The Holidays,
please hold.
169
00:06:02,291 --> 00:06:04,228
No, we don't euthanize pets
on Christmas.
170
00:06:04,228 --> 00:06:05,230
[phone rings]
Happy The Holidays,
171
00:06:05,230 --> 00:06:07,034
please hold. What?
172
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,469
We're here for Lady Capulet.
173
00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:10,373
[groans]
Poodle, right?
174
00:06:10,373 --> 00:06:12,377
I'm getting her, all right?
175
00:06:12,377 --> 00:06:14,315
Can Bernstein work Christmas?
176
00:06:14,315 --> 00:06:16,520
Sure, Bernstein can always
work Christmas.
177
00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:18,757
But does he ever get off
for Tu BiShvat?
178
00:06:18,757 --> 00:06:20,026
Nooo.
179
00:06:20,026 --> 00:06:22,497
Now, come on, Lady Capulet.
180
00:06:22,497 --> 00:06:25,203
Unlike Bernstein,
you get to go home.
181
00:06:25,203 --> 00:06:28,409
♪ ♪
182
00:06:28,409 --> 00:06:31,516
Hey, welcome back.
The pinecone's gone.
183
00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:33,654
You must be in a really good
and forgiving mood,
184
00:06:33,654 --> 00:06:35,591
right, Honey?
- Sure thing, sweetie.
185
00:06:35,691 --> 00:06:38,096
[chuckles]
- Wait, why aren't you yelling?
186
00:06:38,096 --> 00:06:40,835
I can yell
if you want me to!
187
00:06:40,835 --> 00:06:43,741
Uh, okay, go ahead, Honey.
Lay it on me.
188
00:06:43,741 --> 00:06:47,281
I'm a dummy.
Stupid. Unculturalized.
189
00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:49,285
Just say whatever it is
you're gonna say.
190
00:06:49,285 --> 00:06:52,558
Let's go find a hornet's nest
and pee on it!
191
00:06:52,558 --> 00:06:55,631
Wait, I've been begging you
to pee on hornets' nests
192
00:06:55,631 --> 00:06:58,269
for years, and suddenly
you're excited about it?
193
00:06:58,269 --> 00:07:01,877
Maybe that pinecone surgery
caused serious brain damage.
194
00:07:01,877 --> 00:07:03,514
The fun kind!
195
00:07:03,514 --> 00:07:06,419
Come on, let's go piss off
some hornets, Honey.
196
00:07:06,419 --> 00:07:09,158
[laughs]
- Okay, darling.
197
00:07:09,158 --> 00:07:10,828
[piano music]
198
00:07:10,828 --> 00:07:13,667
[grunts]
Oh, is-is it out?
199
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,303
Phew. What a relief.
200
00:07:15,303 --> 00:07:18,376
I could not go through life
with a pinecone hanging off me
201
00:07:18,376 --> 00:07:21,182
like some kind
of 2005 geo-prism.
202
00:07:21,182 --> 00:07:23,086
[laughs]
That was good.
203
00:07:23,086 --> 00:07:25,758
Uh, Guernico,
I don't believe that's Lady.
204
00:07:25,758 --> 00:07:27,127
She's similar in appearance,
205
00:07:27,127 --> 00:07:30,433
yet she's not nearly
as obnoxious and dimwitted.
206
00:07:30,433 --> 00:07:32,337
Indeed, Caravaggio.
207
00:07:32,437 --> 00:07:34,375
Perhaps it's best if we keep
that to ourselves.
208
00:07:34,375 --> 00:07:37,314
Hello there.
Um, where am I?
209
00:07:37,314 --> 00:07:39,418
You're at the Van Amburgs.
210
00:07:39,418 --> 00:07:41,188
Those are our humans.
211
00:07:41,288 --> 00:07:42,424
The ones with the books?
212
00:07:42,424 --> 00:07:44,461
We've never actually
seen their faces.
213
00:07:44,461 --> 00:07:46,499
Whoa. Real intellectuals?
214
00:07:46,499 --> 00:07:48,637
But we shouldn't
be conversing.
215
00:07:48,637 --> 00:07:51,275
We are in a sit stay,
which is quiet time
216
00:07:51,275 --> 00:07:52,812
to think and reflect.
217
00:07:52,812 --> 00:07:54,983
No way. I never get
to think and reflect.
218
00:07:54,983 --> 00:07:56,385
But how did I get here?
219
00:07:56,385 --> 00:07:59,224
[clicker clicks]
- Dogs, enrichment corner.
220
00:07:59,224 --> 00:08:01,329
Wait, enrichment corner?
221
00:08:01,329 --> 00:08:03,834
I'm with a family
that's more like me?
222
00:08:03,834 --> 00:08:05,337
But how?
223
00:08:05,337 --> 00:08:07,307
Why can't I be
part of a family
224
00:08:07,307 --> 00:08:09,512
that's more like me?
225
00:08:09,512 --> 00:08:11,215
My wish was granted!
226
00:08:11,215 --> 00:08:13,086
I'm in one of those classic
227
00:08:13,086 --> 00:08:16,593
magical The Holidays
life swap switcheroos!
228
00:08:16,593 --> 00:08:18,764
[chuckles]
We'll be right back.
229
00:08:22,070 --> 00:08:23,339
Dogs, dinner.
230
00:08:23,339 --> 00:08:25,310
[food rattling]
231
00:08:25,310 --> 00:08:27,949
Wait. Wait.
232
00:08:27,949 --> 00:08:28,684
Wait.
233
00:08:28,684 --> 00:08:29,819
- This is incredible.
- Wait.
234
00:08:29,919 --> 00:08:31,322
- I've waited my whole life...
- Wait.
235
00:08:31,322 --> 00:08:33,292
To experience
delayed gratification.
236
00:08:33,292 --> 00:08:34,395
- Wait.
- And now it's here.
237
00:08:34,395 --> 00:08:35,831
Soon!
- Wait.
238
00:08:35,831 --> 00:08:37,635
Wait. Wait.
239
00:08:37,635 --> 00:08:39,839
[clicker clicks]
Dogs, dine.
240
00:08:39,839 --> 00:08:42,678
Mmm. Oh.
Oh, it tastes so much better
241
00:08:42,678 --> 00:08:45,417
than it would have
20 seconds ago.
242
00:08:45,417 --> 00:08:47,220
♪ ♪
243
00:08:47,220 --> 00:08:50,326
[laughs]
244
00:08:50,326 --> 00:08:52,030
I can't believe
I've been rolling around
245
00:08:52,030 --> 00:08:55,437
in human waste by myself
all these years.
246
00:08:55,437 --> 00:08:57,441
Thanks for joining me, Honey.
247
00:08:57,441 --> 00:08:59,478
Any time, pumpkin.
[chuckles]
248
00:08:59,478 --> 00:09:01,750
Aw. What should we do next?
249
00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:03,219
Oh, I know. We should...
250
00:09:03,219 --> 00:09:04,989
[together]
Eat each other's vomit.
251
00:09:04,989 --> 00:09:06,660
[all growling]
252
00:09:06,660 --> 00:09:08,029
[clicker clicks]
- Dogs, leave it.
253
00:09:08,029 --> 00:09:11,368
Self-control is so awesome.
I can barely stand it.
254
00:09:11,368 --> 00:09:12,972
Mm-mm.
255
00:09:12,972 --> 00:09:16,646
Eat a lot so our poops are
festive through the summer.
256
00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:20,153
Dogs, music.
257
00:09:20,153 --> 00:09:23,192
[classical music playing]
258
00:09:23,192 --> 00:09:26,065
Five, seven, one. Go!
259
00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:27,434
Cardio!
[crash]
260
00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:28,937
Cardi B.
[crash]
261
00:09:28,937 --> 00:09:31,175
[clicker clicks]
- Dogs, martini.
262
00:09:31,175 --> 00:09:36,118
♪ ♪
263
00:09:36,118 --> 00:09:40,026
[both chuckling]
264
00:09:40,026 --> 00:09:44,602
Good dog.
265
00:09:44,602 --> 00:09:47,708
[together]
I'm living my best life!
266
00:09:47,708 --> 00:09:49,712
Nobody tells you
the hardest part
267
00:09:49,712 --> 00:09:51,750
about your owner
wanting to eat you
268
00:09:51,750 --> 00:09:55,290
is being alone
for The Holidays.
269
00:09:55,290 --> 00:09:58,229
[melancholy jazz music]
270
00:09:58,229 --> 00:10:02,003
♪ ♪
271
00:10:02,003 --> 00:10:03,072
[purrs]
272
00:10:03,072 --> 00:10:10,086
♪ ♪
273
00:10:11,055 --> 00:10:11,756
[grunts]
274
00:10:11,857 --> 00:10:14,094
Happy The Holidays,
my friend.
275
00:10:14,094 --> 00:10:16,065
[sighs]
What's so happy about it?
276
00:10:16,065 --> 00:10:20,340
It's the one time of year
I visit all 324 of my kids.
277
00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:21,776
Oh, just like Nick Cannon.
278
00:10:21,776 --> 00:10:23,580
Well, then I won't bother you.
279
00:10:23,580 --> 00:10:25,584
No, please bother me.
280
00:10:25,584 --> 00:10:27,622
Kids, go play in traffic.
281
00:10:27,622 --> 00:10:28,991
That'll cut their numbers
in half.
282
00:10:28,991 --> 00:10:31,262
You are a good dad, Raccoon.
283
00:10:31,262 --> 00:10:32,732
Much better than Spade.
284
00:10:32,732 --> 00:10:35,470
He wants to eat me,
so I'm running away.
285
00:10:35,470 --> 00:10:36,907
You know what you should do?
286
00:10:36,907 --> 00:10:39,646
Get yourself
a Jewish celebrity this time.
287
00:10:39,646 --> 00:10:42,117
They're less likely to put you
on the menu.
288
00:10:42,117 --> 00:10:43,252
Hmm.
289
00:10:43,252 --> 00:10:45,190
Jewish celebrity?
290
00:10:45,190 --> 00:10:46,760
Jewish celebrity!
291
00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:49,298
Where are you,
Jewish celebrity?
292
00:10:49,298 --> 00:10:51,202
[car honks]
Oh, Spider-Man.
293
00:10:51,202 --> 00:10:52,705
That's Jewish, right?
294
00:10:52,705 --> 00:10:54,509
[mellow jazzy music]
295
00:10:54,509 --> 00:10:56,580
Checkmate.
296
00:10:56,580 --> 00:10:58,584
[giggles]
I love it here.
297
00:10:58,584 --> 00:11:01,723
I've never been happier
or more disciplined.
298
00:11:01,723 --> 00:11:04,562
Thank you for your hospitality.
[licks]
299
00:11:04,562 --> 00:11:06,633
[both gasp]
- How dare you lick
300
00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:09,572
Teri Van Amburg on the face!
301
00:11:09,572 --> 00:11:11,308
I think I'm going to be sick.
302
00:11:11,308 --> 00:11:13,145
Oh, what?
At my old house,
303
00:11:13,145 --> 00:11:16,520
showing affection was
the way we showed affection.
304
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:18,189
Shame stance.
[clicker clicks]
305
00:11:18,189 --> 00:11:20,493
They're clicking at you.
306
00:11:20,493 --> 00:11:21,530
Oh, okay.
307
00:11:21,530 --> 00:11:24,167
Shame stance. Sure.
308
00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:26,540
I, um--no, I got this.
309
00:11:26,540 --> 00:11:29,846
Uh... boom.
310
00:11:29,846 --> 00:11:32,685
Am I even close?
- Ugh, good enough.
311
00:11:32,685 --> 00:11:35,490
both: Shame. Shame. Shame.
312
00:11:35,591 --> 00:11:38,029
Shame. Shame. Shame.
313
00:11:38,029 --> 00:11:40,601
- Like I said, I love it here.
- Shame. Shame.
314
00:11:40,601 --> 00:11:43,472
Long story short,
Spade wants to eat me.
315
00:11:43,472 --> 00:11:44,609
So I've spent
the last two hours
316
00:11:44,609 --> 00:11:47,214
wandering the streets
yelling for a Jewish celebrity.
317
00:11:47,214 --> 00:11:48,550
Been there.
318
00:11:48,550 --> 00:11:49,819
So do you mind
if I crash here tonight
319
00:11:49,819 --> 00:11:51,455
until I find
a new A-list human?
320
00:11:51,455 --> 00:11:52,992
Sure, buddy. Come on in.
321
00:11:53,092 --> 00:11:55,396
We're in the middle
of our Christmas show.
322
00:11:55,396 --> 00:11:58,537
"The Shining: The Musical."
323
00:11:58,537 --> 00:12:00,608
♪ Jack seems
a little stressed ♪
324
00:12:00,608 --> 00:12:02,077
♪ He used to be a drinker ♪
325
00:12:02,077 --> 00:12:04,348
♪ I think I'll kill
my family ♪
326
00:12:04,348 --> 00:12:06,151
♪ Ain't I such a stinker? ♪
327
00:12:06,151 --> 00:12:07,888
Here's Johnny!
328
00:12:07,888 --> 00:12:10,995
[together]
Come play with us forever.
329
00:12:10,995 --> 00:12:12,297
Christmas is saved!
330
00:12:12,297 --> 00:12:14,569
all: ♪ Christmas
at the Overlook is ♪
331
00:12:14,569 --> 00:12:15,838
♪ Always such a dud ♪
332
00:12:15,838 --> 00:12:18,409
♪ And not just 'cause
the elevators ♪
333
00:12:18,409 --> 00:12:21,181
♪ Overflow with blood ♪
334
00:12:21,181 --> 00:12:22,852
It's even better
than last year's
335
00:12:22,852 --> 00:12:24,822
"Texas Chainsaw
Massa-Christmas."
336
00:12:24,822 --> 00:12:26,760
Would you look at that,
it's time for me
337
00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:30,801
to make up a lazy excuse
to leave.
338
00:12:31,368 --> 00:12:34,374
[snoring]
339
00:12:34,374 --> 00:12:35,778
Cannon-bear!
340
00:12:35,778 --> 00:12:37,682
- Aah!
- Come on.
341
00:12:37,682 --> 00:12:39,619
Let's go eat
each other's vomit.
342
00:12:39,619 --> 00:12:41,957
Yeah, we did that already.
It's nap time.
343
00:12:41,957 --> 00:12:43,760
Just sleep
with your mouth open
344
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:45,330
and I'll do the rest.
345
00:12:45,330 --> 00:12:48,837
- That's gross, even for me.
- Come on.
346
00:12:48,837 --> 00:12:51,610
I never get to do
fun stuff like this.
347
00:12:51,610 --> 00:12:53,479
Well, I never get to nap
348
00:12:53,479 --> 00:12:55,383
now that you like to do
fun stuff.
349
00:12:55,383 --> 00:12:56,653
You're fat.
350
00:12:56,653 --> 00:12:59,291
I'm going to go bite that lady.
351
00:12:59,291 --> 00:13:01,395
[growls]
- [gasps]
352
00:13:01,395 --> 00:13:03,165
Whoa, whoa. Wait.
353
00:13:03,165 --> 00:13:05,370
That's Jill, our mom goddess.
354
00:13:05,370 --> 00:13:06,506
We love her.
355
00:13:06,506 --> 00:13:09,779
When did you get so mean?
What is wrong with you?
356
00:13:09,779 --> 00:13:12,117
I'm gonna go dig a hole
in the couch.
357
00:13:12,117 --> 00:13:13,152
[chuckles]
358
00:13:13,252 --> 00:13:15,891
Man, I thought I preferred
brain-damaged Honey,
359
00:13:15,891 --> 00:13:16,826
but I don't.
360
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:20,366
I miss loving, patient,
doesn't finish her food,
361
00:13:20,366 --> 00:13:21,836
wet blanket Honey.
362
00:13:21,836 --> 00:13:25,009
Who can help me un-damage
her brain?
363
00:13:25,109 --> 00:13:26,078
[gasps]
364
00:13:26,245 --> 00:13:29,284
Tchotchke, how do I assemble
Honey's boring friends?
365
00:13:29,284 --> 00:13:31,589
[ululates]
366
00:13:31,589 --> 00:13:35,363
[martial music]
367
00:13:35,363 --> 00:13:36,833
[camera shutter snaps]
368
00:13:38,302 --> 00:13:39,338
[tires buzz]
369
00:13:39,438 --> 00:13:42,912
Okay, guys, this is gonna
be hard for you to see,
370
00:13:42,912 --> 00:13:44,682
but something has happened
to Honey.
371
00:13:44,682 --> 00:13:46,519
Honey!
372
00:13:46,519 --> 00:13:47,688
[spits]
Yes, buttercup?
373
00:13:47,688 --> 00:13:49,826
[lid clanks]
[chuckles]
374
00:13:49,826 --> 00:13:51,730
Look, I broke Honey.
375
00:13:51,730 --> 00:13:53,533
- That's not Honey.
- Right?
376
00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:54,836
She's like a different dog.
377
00:13:54,836 --> 00:13:56,472
She is different dog.
378
00:13:56,472 --> 00:13:57,340
Yeah, I know.
379
00:13:57,340 --> 00:13:58,677
Get the pinecones
out of your ears.
380
00:13:58,677 --> 00:14:00,581
This is what I'm trying
to tell you.
381
00:14:00,581 --> 00:14:02,585
Hey, is your name Honey?
382
00:14:02,585 --> 00:14:04,856
- Who the hell is Honey?
- [gasps]
383
00:14:04,956 --> 00:14:07,661
Oh, my God, guys.
This isn't Honey.
384
00:14:07,661 --> 00:14:10,099
How were there no signs?
385
00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:13,707
For the last time,
my name is Lady Capulet.
386
00:14:13,707 --> 00:14:17,113
The vet mixed us up, duh.
387
00:14:17,113 --> 00:14:20,119
Boy, you're a master
of deception.
388
00:14:20,119 --> 00:14:22,157
And now poor Honey is stuck
at the vet.
389
00:14:22,157 --> 00:14:25,798
[laughs]
Where after going unclaimed
390
00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:30,473
she'll be put to sleep,
to death, forever!
391
00:14:30,473 --> 00:14:31,810
To death!
392
00:14:31,810 --> 00:14:33,647
[laughs evilly]
393
00:14:33,647 --> 00:14:35,617
[gasps]
Oh, my God.
394
00:14:35,617 --> 00:14:37,722
What do I do, Honey?
395
00:14:37,722 --> 00:14:39,992
Um, I don't know, baby cakes.
396
00:14:40,093 --> 00:14:42,130
Oh, right.
[chuckles]
397
00:14:42,130 --> 00:14:44,067
[together]
Shame. Shame.
398
00:14:44,067 --> 00:14:46,138
Shame. Shame.
- Ugh, I get it.
399
00:14:46,138 --> 00:14:48,242
[together] Shame
- Dogs, potty time.
400
00:14:49,478 --> 00:14:50,179
You know what's funny?
401
00:14:50,346 --> 00:14:52,217
At my old house,
I was the rule follower.
402
00:14:52,217 --> 00:14:54,187
And Chief was
the lovable screwball.
403
00:14:54,187 --> 00:14:56,626
[chuckling] Oh, if you know
what a vibrator is,
404
00:14:56,626 --> 00:14:57,928
you're gonna love this story.
405
00:14:57,928 --> 00:15:00,133
One time, Chie--
- Oh, my God.
406
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:02,571
Are you initiating
a bowel movement?
407
00:15:02,571 --> 00:15:04,976
Uh, no.
408
00:15:04,976 --> 00:15:07,013
Why are you making
eye contact with us?
409
00:15:07,013 --> 00:15:09,017
I-I can't go
without eye contact.
410
00:15:09,017 --> 00:15:11,088
And what's the problem?
We're outside.
411
00:15:11,088 --> 00:15:13,794
We have a privacy shrub
for a reason.
412
00:15:13,794 --> 00:15:14,929
Just because you're a dog
413
00:15:14,929 --> 00:15:17,233
doesn't mean
you have to act like one.
414
00:15:17,233 --> 00:15:18,537
Ouch.
415
00:15:18,537 --> 00:15:20,173
You guys are pretentious snobs.
416
00:15:20,173 --> 00:15:23,145
And I thought I'd like that,
but guess what?
417
00:15:23,145 --> 00:15:23,947
I don't.
418
00:15:24,047 --> 00:15:25,951
I like dogs
who aren't judgmental
419
00:15:26,051 --> 00:15:28,088
and who show their owners affection.
420
00:15:28,088 --> 00:15:31,462
And who make eye contact
with me while I poop.
421
00:15:31,462 --> 00:15:34,301
Like Chief. I miss Chief.
And Jill.
422
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:37,508
She's patient and she lets me
lick her anywhere.
423
00:15:37,508 --> 00:15:39,044
Ew.
424
00:15:39,044 --> 00:15:41,649
Oh, grow up.
[sighs]
425
00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:43,687
I miss my old life.
426
00:15:43,687 --> 00:15:46,425
[melancholic music]
427
00:15:46,425 --> 00:15:50,567
♪ ♪
428
00:15:50,567 --> 00:15:52,437
[wave crashes]
429
00:15:52,538 --> 00:15:53,573
Gasp! Epiphany!
430
00:15:53,673 --> 00:15:57,313
I've got to The Holiday
switcheroo back to my old life.
431
00:15:57,313 --> 00:16:00,687
I've got to find
that golden Buddha-Dog statue.
432
00:16:00,687 --> 00:16:02,958
Right after I finish.
433
00:16:02,958 --> 00:16:05,597
Buddy, you mind looking me
in the eye?
434
00:16:05,597 --> 00:16:07,066
Sure.
435
00:16:10,139 --> 00:16:12,912
- Thank you.
- No, thank you, doll.
436
00:16:12,912 --> 00:16:14,816
[dramatic music]
437
00:16:14,816 --> 00:16:16,185
[grunts]
438
00:16:20,861 --> 00:16:22,096
Here's a fun question.
439
00:16:22,096 --> 00:16:24,902
Now that Honey
is being put down,
440
00:16:24,902 --> 00:16:26,606
did everyone else
get what they wanted...
441
00:16:26,706 --> 00:16:28,008
for The Holidays?
442
00:16:28,008 --> 00:16:29,779
You're wrong, Uncle Nathan.
443
00:16:29,779 --> 00:16:31,114
Honey is still alive.
444
00:16:31,114 --> 00:16:32,818
And as much as I want to hear
445
00:16:32,818 --> 00:16:34,254
what everyone got
for The Holidays,
446
00:16:34,254 --> 00:16:36,391
I'm gonna save Honey
from the vet.
447
00:16:36,391 --> 00:16:37,862
I just need to eat
something I shouldn't
448
00:16:37,862 --> 00:16:40,233
so Jill will take me to the vet
to get my stomach pumped.
449
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:41,301
[tree crashes,
Dumb Honey grunts]
450
00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:43,707
But what? Everything in this
house has already passed
451
00:16:43,707 --> 00:16:45,009
through me at least once.
452
00:16:45,109 --> 00:16:47,848
Hey, who wants in
on this electric spaghetti?
453
00:16:47,848 --> 00:16:50,787
[chuckles]
- Gasp! Epipity!
454
00:16:50,787 --> 00:16:53,392
[both gagging]
455
00:16:55,029 --> 00:16:58,402
This is exactly why
you can't find a good man.
456
00:16:58,402 --> 00:17:00,607
♪ And not just 'cause
the elevators ♪
457
00:17:00,607 --> 00:17:02,611
♪ Overflow with blood ♪
458
00:17:02,611 --> 00:17:03,980
Okay, it is catchy.
459
00:17:03,980 --> 00:17:05,383
[dramatic music]
460
00:17:05,383 --> 00:17:06,385
Spade?
461
00:17:06,385 --> 00:17:09,491
That dude is, like,
obsessed with eating me.
462
00:17:09,491 --> 00:17:11,395
Max! There you are.
463
00:17:11,395 --> 00:17:12,798
[gasps]
464
00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:15,571
Wait, Max.
Hold on. Max!
465
00:17:15,571 --> 00:17:16,573
[tires squeal]
466
00:17:18,309 --> 00:17:19,144
Max!
467
00:17:19,277 --> 00:17:22,751
No way, Spade,
you are not gonna eat me!
468
00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:24,555
Uh-uh!
- Where the hell did he go?
469
00:17:24,555 --> 00:17:26,391
Maxie?
470
00:17:29,899 --> 00:17:31,201
[angelic chorus]
471
00:17:31,201 --> 00:17:34,742
Move over, kid.
This pig's on the lam.
472
00:17:35,409 --> 00:17:37,815
Let's just keep our hands
and hooves above the blanket.
473
00:17:37,915 --> 00:17:39,317
I'm not into anything weird.
474
00:17:39,317 --> 00:17:41,589
Golden Buddha statue?
475
00:17:41,589 --> 00:17:43,359
Golden Buddha statue!
476
00:17:43,359 --> 00:17:46,398
Where are you,
golden Buddha statue?
477
00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:48,837
Max? Max!
478
00:17:48,837 --> 00:17:50,674
- [gasps]
- Aah!
479
00:17:50,674 --> 00:17:52,611
[tires screech]
480
00:17:52,611 --> 00:17:54,515
[gasps, whimpers]
481
00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:56,018
What do I do?
482
00:17:56,018 --> 00:17:58,823
Guess I could make this look
like a suicide?
483
00:17:58,823 --> 00:18:00,727
No, that's the old Spade.
484
00:18:00,727 --> 00:18:03,432
Let's get you to the vet.
485
00:18:04,034 --> 00:18:05,671
[rubble clatters]
486
00:18:08,042 --> 00:18:10,681
[clanking, rattling]
487
00:18:10,681 --> 00:18:11,816
Aah!
488
00:18:11,816 --> 00:18:14,822
♪ ♪
489
00:18:14,822 --> 00:18:16,091
Watch out!
490
00:18:16,091 --> 00:18:17,594
- Aah!
- [screams]
491
00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:23,138
It's okay. I'm David Spade.
492
00:18:23,138 --> 00:18:25,276
You guys, I need help.
Someone hit this poor dog.
493
00:18:25,276 --> 00:18:27,447
I'm pretty sure it was
Rob Schneider.
494
00:18:27,447 --> 00:18:30,787
Help! My dogs have
Human-Centipeded themselves.
495
00:18:30,787 --> 00:18:32,891
Can't you get anything right?
496
00:18:32,891 --> 00:18:35,998
Human Centipede
is mouth to tush.
497
00:18:35,998 --> 00:18:40,206
I am sorry
I'm not perfect, Mom!
498
00:18:40,206 --> 00:18:42,143
'Course I did it wrong.
[chuckles]
499
00:18:42,143 --> 00:18:44,548
Well, I'll tell you what
you did wrong. [chuckles]
500
00:18:44,548 --> 00:18:45,984
The Holidays, huh?
501
00:18:45,984 --> 00:18:49,324
[both laugh]
502
00:18:50,627 --> 00:18:53,198
[chimes tinkle]
503
00:18:54,669 --> 00:18:58,042
[gasps] Golden Buddha-Dog.
I did it!
504
00:18:58,042 --> 00:19:00,781
Wait, did I?
- [sniffs] Honey?
505
00:19:00,781 --> 00:19:02,250
Chief?
506
00:19:02,250 --> 00:19:05,590
Honey? [giggles]
Is it you?
507
00:19:05,691 --> 00:19:08,897
Or is that a different you
that I think is you
508
00:19:08,897 --> 00:19:10,132
but is not you?
509
00:19:10,132 --> 00:19:11,401
Oh, I've never been more glad
510
00:19:11,401 --> 00:19:13,773
to have no idea
what you're talking about.
511
00:19:13,773 --> 00:19:16,278
It is you.
[grunts]
512
00:19:16,278 --> 00:19:18,650
I'm so sorry
I ruined everything.
513
00:19:18,650 --> 00:19:19,919
No, I'm sorry.
514
00:19:19,919 --> 00:19:21,221
You were just trying to be you
515
00:19:21,221 --> 00:19:23,092
and I didn't think
I liked that.
516
00:19:23,092 --> 00:19:25,831
But I do. I love that!
And I love you.
517
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:28,135
I love you, too, Honey.
518
00:19:28,135 --> 00:19:30,874
I love that you're kind, protective,
519
00:19:30,874 --> 00:19:32,043
smarter than me,
520
00:19:32,143 --> 00:19:34,381
and that you don't want
to eat my vomit.
521
00:19:34,381 --> 00:19:37,654
Because I learned something
that I think on some level,
522
00:19:37,654 --> 00:19:40,794
you've known all along--
it's gross.
523
00:19:40,794 --> 00:19:43,633
It is, Chief. It is.
524
00:19:43,633 --> 00:19:46,038
[gasps]
525
00:19:46,038 --> 00:19:48,308
[head shatters]
- Oh, no! What do I do?
526
00:19:48,308 --> 00:19:50,680
I guess I could make this
look like a suicide.
527
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:53,152
No, that's the old Max.
528
00:19:53,152 --> 00:19:55,022
And it was only
once he ran away,
529
00:19:55,022 --> 00:19:58,095
that I realized
how much he meant to me.
530
00:19:58,095 --> 00:19:59,999
And if I ever find that pig,
I'm telling you,
531
00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:01,536
I'll never put him
in my stomach.
532
00:20:01,536 --> 00:20:03,807
[sniffles] Because he's
already in my heart.
533
00:20:03,807 --> 00:20:05,677
Oh, Spade!
534
00:20:05,677 --> 00:20:06,913
Max!
535
00:20:06,913 --> 00:20:09,350
[both laughing, crying]
536
00:20:09,350 --> 00:20:12,090
Hey, would you and your pig
537
00:20:12,190 --> 00:20:14,060
like to maybe join us
for dinner tonight?
538
00:20:14,060 --> 00:20:18,435
Well, I was supposed to host
a star-studded holiday bash
539
00:20:18,435 --> 00:20:20,774
with the cast
of "Young Sheldon,"
540
00:20:20,774 --> 00:20:21,876
but sure.
541
00:20:21,876 --> 00:20:23,747
[jaunty holiday music]
542
00:20:23,747 --> 00:20:26,986
[laughter]
543
00:20:26,986 --> 00:20:30,159
You're funny. He's funny.
544
00:20:30,159 --> 00:20:32,163
You could do better.
545
00:20:32,163 --> 00:20:34,602
And then
the Buddha-Dog statue granted
546
00:20:34,602 --> 00:20:36,071
my magical The Holidays wish.
547
00:20:36,071 --> 00:20:37,875
And suddenly there you were.
548
00:20:37,875 --> 00:20:40,981
Well, I suppose there's
no other explanation.
549
00:20:40,981 --> 00:20:43,218
Aw, I'm so glad
you're home safe.
550
00:20:43,218 --> 00:20:45,189
Now that you're boring again,
551
00:20:45,189 --> 00:20:47,661
let's celebrate The Holidays
552
00:20:47,661 --> 00:20:52,003
with a nice, big,
wet, sloppy nap.
553
00:20:52,003 --> 00:20:53,673
[snores]
554
00:20:53,673 --> 00:20:54,675
I missed this.
555
00:20:54,842 --> 00:20:57,380
Oh, Honey, Honey.
Would you mind keeping it down?
556
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:03,091
- I missed you.
- I missed you more.
557
00:21:03,091 --> 00:21:05,496
No, I missed you more.
558
00:21:05,496 --> 00:21:08,603
- Are you almost done?
- Ish.
559
00:21:08,603 --> 00:21:15,584
♪ ♪
560
00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:26,271
Okay. That's enough for now.
561
00:21:28,041 --> 00:21:29,444
Happy The Holidays, Chief.
562
00:21:29,444 --> 00:21:32,049
Aw, happy The Holidays, Honey.
563
00:21:34,020 --> 00:21:35,891
Bento.
[cheers and applause]
564
00:21:37,026 --> 00:21:38,061
That's nice, Jen and Gabby.
565
00:21:38,111 --> 00:21:42,661
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