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[YAWN]

JER, CLEAN OR DIRTY?

MARGINAL.

[SNIFFING]

NO, IT'S NOT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU USE THAT THING.

I MEAN, IF IT'S FOR ME,
IT'S NOT NECESSARY.

OF COURSE, I DO LIKE
TO WATCH YOU USE IT.

I KNOW.

LISTEN, I THINK
WE SHOULD WAIT

WITH THE POWDER ROOM,
THEN, HUH?

NOPE. NO MORE WAITING
FOR TOILETS.

I JUST DON'T LIKE
TO SEE YOU WORRYING

ABOUT LOANS AND MORTGAGES,
THAT'S ALL.

THEN DON'T LOOK.

JER, I JUST
DON'T THINK

THAT WE SHOULD SPEND
THAT KIND OF MONEY--

NO MORE THINKING
TONIGHT.

LET'S WATCH TV.

[YAWN]

WAS THERE ANY
GOOD MAIL TODAY?

OH, A COUPLE OF JUNK,

SOME BILLS,
AND A LETTER FOR YOU.

HUH.

READ THIS.

"GOD GRANTS YOU
AN INTERVIEW,

"1600 NORTH HOPE ST.,
LOS ANGELES, CA., ROOM 2700,

TOMORROW AT 11 A.M."

IT'S A GAG.

NO STAMP,
NO RETURN ADDRESS.

PRETTY CRAZY GAG.

IT'S AN AD.

FOR WHAT?

FOR GOD OVEN CLEANER
OR GOD DETERGENT.

I DON'T KNOW.

NOBODY WOULD DARE.

AIR BALL.

ARTIE COOGAN.

WHAT?

ARTIE COOGAN.

THAT'S IT.

OH, YEAH.

ARTIE,
CRAZY ARTIE.

NO. AN ENGLISH TEACHER
WOULDN'T MISSPELL INTERVIEW.

WELL, NEITHER
WOULD GOD.

WELL, I CAN'T MEET HIM
TOMORROW, ANYWAY.

I'VE GOT TO MEET
THE DISTRICT PRODUCE MANAGER.

SORRY, GOD.

2 POINTS.

DID WE MAKE LOVE
LAST NIGHT?

MM-HMM.

MM-HMM.
JUST CHECKING.

WELL, KEEP CHECKING.

I LOVE YOU.

[BROADCAST SIGNAL HUMMING]

HONEY, IT'S SO LATE.

WHERE'S 2 POINTS?

HUH.

WATCH YOUR HANDS,
NORMAN.

OH!
WE WERE JUST--

GOOD MORNING,
MR. McCARTHY.

I'M SORRY TO BE LATE,
SIR.

LANDERS. HOLD IT,
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

IS THIS HOW YOU'VE
INSTRUCTED YOUR STAFF

TO PREPARE ROMAINE
LETTUCE FOR DISPLAY?

MR. McCARTHY, I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE GETTING AT,

AND I HAD
THE SAME ARGUMENT

WITH THE LAST
DISTRICT MANAGER.

PLEASE ANSWER.

YES, I DO.

AH.

NOW, WHY WOULD
ANYONE BUY THAT

WHEN THEY
COULD GET THIS

FOR THE SAME PRICE?

MR. McCARTHY,

IF I PUT THIS HEAD
OF LETTUCE IN THE BIN,

IT'S GOING TO STAY THERE
ALL DAY.

IT'LL BE THERE TOMORROW
AND THE NEXT DAY AND THE NEXT,

AND WE'RE GONNA WIND UP
THROWING IT AWAY.

OUR OTHERS STORES--

YOUR OTHER STORES DO NOT
HAVE A RALPH'S UP THE STREET

AND A LUCKY MARKET
RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER

WHO TRIM EVEN CLOSER
THAN I DO.

NOW, I KNOW MY CUSTOMERS,
MR. McCARTHY.

I SEE.

LANDERS?

I ALSO NOTICED
THAT YOU HAVEN'T

BEEN OILING
YOUR CUKES.

WH-WHAT?

WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN
OILING YOUR CUKES?

OH, UH...

WELL, IT TAKES TIME,
IT TAKES OIL.

IT'S DISHONEST,
MR. McCARTHY.

DISHONEST?

UH, SIR,

THERE'S AN INTERVIEW
THAT I--

OUR COMPANY HAS CERTAIN
POLICIES, WHICH YOU--

MR. McCARTHY, I HAVE
AN INTERVIEW WITH GO--

YOU HAVE A WHAT?

UH, I...

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

STAY.

WHAT IS THIS?

YOU'RE RIGHT ON TIME.

I LIKE THAT.

CLOSE THE DOOR.

WHO ARE YOU?

YOU READ THE NOTE.

WHO'S THAT, ARTIE?

GOD.

COME ON, ARTIE.

NO, IT'S ME, GOD.

GOD?

RIGHT, GOD.

GOD ALMIGHTY.

BIG G.

IT'S NOT A GAG,
I PROMISE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I-I'VE GOT THIS LOAD
OF PLUMS COMING IN.

LET THE PLUMS WAIT.

HOW OFTEN DO YOU
TALK WITH GOD?

PRACTICALLY NEVER.

HOW DO I KNOW
YOU'RE GOD?

I MEAN, ALL I HEAR IS
A VOICE ON AN INTERCOM.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED
TO SEE ME.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE.

THAT'S NO ANSWER.

SUE ME.

IF YOU'RE GOD...

YEAH?

IF YOU'RE REALLY
GOD...

YEAH, YEAH?

IF I'M REALLY GOD,
WHAT?

YOU LEAVING?

RIGHT
THE FIRST TIME.

WHERE ARE YOU LEAVING?

WHERE DO YOU
THINK YOU ARE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
WHERE DO I THINK I AM?

RIGHT HERE IS WHERE
I AM, THAT'S WHERE.

AND WHERE IS HERE?

1600 NORTH HOPE STREET,
ROOM 2700.

JERRY.

HUH?

THERE'S NO ROOM
27OO IN THIS BUILDING.

THERE'S NO
27th FLOOR HERE.

I THOUGHT THIS WAY
WE'D HAVE A LITTLE PRIVACY.

CHECK IT OUT.

GO AHEAD, I'LL WAIT.

UH, SIR?

YES, SIR?

H-H-HOW DO I GET
TO THE, UH, 27th FLOOR?

IN THIS BUILDING?
YEAH.

I'M AFRAID
YOU'D NEED A CAN OPENER.

WE ONLY HAVE 17 FLOORS.

17.

HUH.

HAVE A NICE RIDE?

COME IN. COME IN.

CL-CLOSE THE DOOR.

SIT DOWN.

GO AHEAD.

RELAX.

DON'T SMOKE.

I DON'T.

GOOD.

TOBACCO WAS ONE
OF MY BIG MISTAKES.

MISTAKES?

YOU TRY.

OSTRICHES
WERE A MISTAKE.

SILLY-LOOKING
THINGS.

AVOCADOS--

MADE THE PIT
TOO BIG.

LIKE I SAY,
YOU TRY.

YOU STILL DON'T
BELIEVE IT?

ARTIE, IF THIS IS YOU,
MAN, YOU WIN.

I MEAN, THIS IS THE BEST GAG
YOU'VE EVER PULLED.

I'M NOT ARTIE.

I WENT TO A LOT
OF TROUBLE TO MAKE IT

A COMFORTABLE
INTERVIEW.

YOU MISSPELLED IT,
YOU KNOW.

WHAT?
INTERVIEW.

IN YOUR NOTE.

IT'S, UH...

IT'S "I" BE--

IT'S "I" BEFORE "E."

GIVE ME A BREAK.

A FEW THINGS
I GOT RIGHT.

I PUT SUMMER
BEFORE WINTER,

DIDN'T I?

YOU'RE SCARED.

WELL, SURE.

AW, BUT, LOOK, IF THIS IS
A JOKE, IT'S GONE TOO FAR.

IT'S NO JOKE.

HOW COME YOU'VE GOT
SUCH A...

I MEAN, JUST A VOICE,
LIKE EVERYBODY'S?

EMPATHY.

I'M TALKING TO YOU IN
A WAY YOU CAN ACCEPT.

I'M RELATING.

I DON'T LIKE TO BRAG,

BUT IF I APPEARED
TO YOU JUST AS GOD--

HOW I REALLY AM,
WHAT I REALLY AM--

YOUR MIND COULDN'T
GRASP IT.

LOOK, I THINK
YOU MADE A MISTAKE.

I'M NOT RELIGIOUS.

SO?

I'M NOT ONE OF
YOUR BELIEVERS.

AND I SURE AS HECK
DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

THAT'S WHY
I SHOWED UP.

TOO MANY
NON-BELIEVERS.

BUT I READ IN
AN ARTICLE

THAT RELIGION
IS ON THE UPSWING.

RELIGION IS EASY.

I'M TALKING
ABOUT FAITH.

YOU'RE GOING TO HELP ME
CHANGE THAT.

ME? I DON'T BELONG
TO ANY CHURCH!

NEITHER DO I.

GO BACK TO WORK.

I DON'T WANT YOU
TO GET IN TROUBLE.

THANK YOU.

WE'LL TALK
ON THE WAY.

HOW?

TRUST ME,

LIKE IT SAYS
ON THE MONEY.

HA.

SIR?

HUH?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT,
SIR?

NO.

JERRY.

YOU WANT ME
TO TALK LOUDER?

OH, GOD.

I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T
BELIEVE IN ME.

OH, UH...

THAT'S JUST
AN EXPRESSION.

I'M MORE THAN THAT,

AND I WANT YOU
TO SPREAD THE WORD.

ME? SPREAD WHAT WORD?

THAT I AM.

I EXIST.

THAT WE'VE SPOKEN.

Y-Y-YOU WANT ME
TO TELL PEOPLE

THAT--THAT I'VE SPOKEN
WITH GOD?

YES.

THEY'LL PUT ME AWAY.

I'M TIRED OF ALL THE TALK
THAT I MAY BE DEAD

OR THAT I NEVER WAS AT ALL.

OR THAT GOD WAS JUST
PARTICLES OF COSMOS, GAS.

I'M NOT GAS.

I FOUND THAT
VERY INSULTING.

D-DO YOU ACTUALLY EXPECT
PEOPLE TO BELIEVE--

THAT'S YOUR JOB.

BUT I'M JUST A MAN.

I--I--I'M NO MOSES.

WHAT WAS MOSES?

YOU THINK MOSES
WAS BORN ON PAGE ONE?

MOSES WAS JUST
A MESSENGER...

MY MESSENGER.

WELL, LOOK...

GOD...

IF, UH, IF--IF--
IF I TELL PEOPLE,

I MEAN, THAT I SPOKE
WITH GOD, THEY--

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

AND NOW AN OLDIE
BUT A GOODIE,

JERRY GRAY AND
STRING OF PEARLS.

***
***

***
***

***
***

GOD?

GOD?

***
***

TOP 10 TIME
ON KGOD.

WHAT IS IT,
JERRY?

THAT GUY ON
THE MOTORCYCLE

THINKS I'M A NUT!

IS THAT THE KIND
OF GOD YOU ARE?

HOW COME DIDN'T YOU
LET HIM HEAR YOU?

IT'S A POLICY OF MINE.
I TRY NOT TO WORK

WITH MORE THAN ONE
SAVIOR AT A TIME.

SAVIOR? ME?

YOU DO YOUR
JOB RIGHT.

I CAN'T TAKE THIS JOB.

I DON'T BELIEVE--

I KNOW, I KNOW.
BUT EVEN NON-BELIEVERS

WANT WHAT THEY'VE GOT
DOWN HERE TO WORK.

HAVE YOU READ
THE PAPERS LATELY?

IT AIN'T WORKING.

THAT'S WHY I CAME--

TO TELL EVERYBODY
I SET THE WORLD UP

SO IT CAN WORK,

ONLY IT'S UP TO YOU.

YOU CAN'T LOOK TO ME
TO DO IT FOR YOU.

NO. NO. UH-UH.

YOU CAN DO IT.
IT'S ONLY ONE MESSAGE.

MOSES HAD
TO HANDLE 10.

BUT YOU GAVE HIM
TABLETS.

HE HAD
A BAD MEMORY.

WELL, I NEED SOMETHING. I--

WHAT KIND
OF SOMETHING?

UH, I DON'T KNOW.

ANYTHING.
A TAPE RECORDING.

MY VOICE WOULDN'T
COME OUT ON TAPE.

IT'S VERY,
VERY COMPLICATED.

IT'S LIKE, UH...

YOU KNOW HOW DRACULA
CAN'T SEE HIMSELF

IN A MIRROR?

IT'S ALONG THOSE LINES.

BUT--BUT--I MEAN,
IF PEOPLE COULD

JUST HEAR YOUR VOICE, I--

THIS ISN'T EVEN
HOW I SOUND.

I'M TALKING LIKE THIS ONLY
SO THAT YOU'LL UNDERSTAND ME.

UNDERSTAND?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND
ANYTHING!

WELL, THAT'S A BEGINNING.
OVER AND OUT.

HEY, HOLD IT!

DON'T HANG UP ON ME!

HEY! YOU JUST WENT
THROUGH A RED LIGHT!

YOU'RE GONNA
GET YOURSELF KILLED.

I NEED YOU DOWN HERE.

I HAVE SOME NICE
FRESH CHICKEN SOUP.

WHY DON'T YOU LET ME
FIX YOU A BOWL?

IS THAT ALL I CAN
GET FROM YOU--SOUP?

YOU KNOW WHAT,
DARLING?

WHAT?

WHY DON'T YOU AND I

TAKE A FEW DAYS OFF

AND GO ON
A LITTLE HOLIDAY?

A HOLIDAY?

YEAH.

WE COULD GO TO...

SAN FRANCISCO.

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN

YOUR SISTER'S
NEW BABY YET.

YOU DON'T WANT ME TO SEE
MY SISTER'S BABY,

YOU WANT ME TO SEE
MY SISTER'S HUSBAND.

NOW, I AM NOT CRAZY!

AND I DON'T NEED
SOME CHILD PSYCHIATRIST

TO TELL ME THAT
I DIDN'T TALK TO GOD,

BECAUSE I DID!

ON AN INTERCOM.

AND ON
THE CAR RADIO.

YES! YES, JERRY!

JERRY, DO YOU REMEMBER
WHEN ARTIE COOGAN

SET UP THAT
HIDDEN MICROPHONE

AND HE BROADCAST
THOSE FILTHY LIMERICKS

THROUGH
THE TELEVISION SET?

IT WAS NOT ARTIE.

I KNOW ALL
OF ARTIE'S VOICES,

AND ARTIE IS NOT CAPABLE
OF ADDING 10 STORIES

TO A BUILDING
THAT DOESN'T HAVE THEM,

AND HE CANNOT TALK
BACK AND FORTH

THROUGH A CAR RADIO

THAT'S BEEN BUSTED
FOR 2 MONTHS!

NOW, WHOEVER THE HELL
THIS GUY IS,

HE'S VERY SMART!

AND I'M GOING TO
LISTEN TO HIM...

FOR A WHILE.

AND YOU THINK
IT'S GOD?

WELL, HE THINKS
HE'S GOD!

AND I'M IN NO POSITION
TO ARGUE WITH HIM!

I THOUGHT YOU BELIEVED
IN HIM!

I DO! I BELIEVE IN GOD.

I JUST DON'T BELIEVE
THAT HE EXISTS--

I MEAN, IN THE SENSE THAT
HE REPAINTS FLOOR NUMBERS

IN OFFICE BUILDINGS

OR DOUBLES
AS A DISC JOCKEY.

WELL, THAT IS WHAT
HE DOES.

AND HE WANTS YOU TO GIVE
HIS MESSAGE TO THE WORLD?

YES.

JERRY...

DOES HE KNOW
HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM?

I TOLD HIM.

IT DOESN'T SEEM
TO BOTHER HIM.

SO, IS THAT ALL
HE TOLD YOU?

THAT YOU'RE GOING
TO BE THE SAVIOR

AND THAT TO TELL EVERYBODY

WHAT WE HAVE DOWN HERE
CAN WORK, HUH?

YES. HE ALSO TOLD ME

HE'S VERY DISAPPOINTED
IN AVOCADOS.

HE IS?

HE SAID HE MADE
THE PIT TOO BIG.

I AM NOT CRAZY!

JERRY?

JER?

HMM?

I'LL LET YOU SLEEP
A LITTLE LATER.

I'LL TAKE THE KIDS
TO SCHOOL, OK?

MM.

JER?

HMM?

HOW DO YOU FEEL?

HMM?

YOU KNOW, ABOUT, UM...

OH.

I ALMOST FORGOT.

I'M FINE.

FINE.

GOOD.

GOOD.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
I WAS THINKING,

YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY SEE.
ALL YOU DID WAS HEAR.

AND YOU KNOW
WHAT THEY SAY.

WHAT?

SEEING IS BELIEVING...

NOT HEARING.

WHAT ABOUT
INGRID BERGMAN?

INGRID BERGMAN?

UH...JOAN OF ARC.

SHE PLAYED
JOAN OF ARC.

JOAN OF ARC?

YEAH.

JOAN DIDN'T SEE,
EITHER.

SHE JUST HEARD,
LIKE ME.

OH, JER.

JERRY?

JERRY.

OH, GOD!

THAT'S RIGHT.

IS THAT YOU?

IN PERSON.

YOU'RE NOT
ON THE RADIO?

HAVE YOU GOT A RADIO
OUT HERE?

NO.

BINGO.

YOU'RE HERE?

IN MY BATHROOM?

COME TAKE A LOOK.

I CAN'T.

I'M NAKED.

YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'VE GOT?

THAT WAS ANOTHER
LITTLE GOOF OF MINE.

SHAME.

I DON'T KNOW WHY
I THOUGHT WE NEEDED SHAME.

COME ON OUT.

DON'T CATCH COLD.

NOT WHAT YOU EXPECTED,
HUH?

I PICKED A LOOK
YOU COULD UNDERSTAND.

FOR SOMEONE ELSE,
I WOULD LOOK DIFFERENT.

I COULD DO ANY FACE,
VOICE, WHATEVER.

I COULD EVEN BE A WOMAN.

YOU'RE FEELING
A LITTLE STRANGE, HUH?

VERY STRANGE.

LIKE YOU'RE GONNA FAINT?

YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD
FOR THAT?

SHAVING.

SHAVING?

SOMETIMES WHEN
YOU DON'T FEEL NORMAL,

DOING A NORMAL THING
MAKES YOU FEEL NORMAL.

HERE, START SHAVING.

GO AHEAD.

I AM.

I DON'T MEAN
WITH THE SHAVING.

WITH THE QUESTIONS

THAT ARE POPPING
INTO YOUR HEAD.

YEAH.

YEAH.

WHY ME?

WHY NOT YOU?

YOU MEAN,
THERE'S NO SPECIAL...

LIFE IS A CRAP SHOOT,

LIKE THE MILLIONTH
CUSTOMER

WHO CROSSES A BRIDGE

GETS TO SHAKE HANDS
WITH THE GOVERNOR.

YOU THOUGHT I PICKED YOU

BECAUSE YOU'RE BETTER
THAN EVERYBODY?

UH, I'M NOT?

YOU'RE BETTER THAN SOME,
BUT NOT AS GOOD AS OTHERS--

BUT YOU CROSSED THE BRIDGE
AT THE RIGHT TIME.

IF YOU WANTED
TO SEE ME,

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST
APPEAR OVER MY BED?

AH, HOLLYWOOD.

NEXT QUESTION.

OK...

PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS, UH,
PRAYING TO YOU.

DO YOU LISTEN?

I CAN'T HELP HEARING.

I DON'T ALWAYS LISTEN.

THEN YOU DON'T CARE?

OF COURSE I CARE.
I CARE PLENTY.

BUT WHAT CAN I DO?

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

BUT...YOU'RE GOD!

ONLY FOR
THE BIG PICTURE.

I DON'T GET
INTO DETAILS.

THEN WHATEVER
HAPPENS TO US...

HAPPENS.

HERE, I PUT IN
A NEW BLADE.

YOU MEAN THERE'S...

THERE'S NO PLAN,

NO SCHEME TO GUIDE
OUR DESTINIES?

A LOT OF IT IS LUCK.

LUCK?!

JUST LUCK?

OOH!

PUT ON A LITTLE
TOILET PAPER.

I'LL GET YOU
A PIECE.

YOU--YOU DON'T CONTROL
OUR LIVES?

I GAVE YOU A WORLD
AND EVERYTHING IN IT.

IT'S ALL UP TO YOU.

BUT...WE NEED HELP!

THAT'S WHY I GAVE YOU
EACH OTHER. HERE.

WITH YOUR POWERS,

YOU COULD SOLVE
SO MANY PROBLEMS.

DON'T WET IT.

ARE YOU SURE?

AM I SURE?

DID I DO A GOOD JOB
ON THE GRAND CANYON?

WELL, ANYWAY,
WHY DON'T YOU?

I MEAN, SOLVE
ALL OUR PROBLEMS,

WORK A FEW MIRACLES?

I DON'T DO MIRACLES.
THEY'RE TOO FLASHY.

AND THEY UPSET
THE NATURAL BALANCE.

NO MIRACLES, HUH?

I KNEW IT.

OH, MAYBE NOW AND THEN,

JUST TO KEEP MY HAND IN.

THE LAST MIRACLE I DID
WAS THE 1969 METS.

BEFORE THAT,

I THINK YOU HAVE TO GO
BACK TO THE RED SEA.

THAT WAS A BEAUTY.

NO OFFENSE,

BUT I DON'T BELIEVE
THE RED SEA,

AND I DON'T BELIEVE 6 DAYS
TO CREATE THE WORLD.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I AM?

TELL YOU
THE HONEST TRUTH,

I THOUGHT ABOUT IT
FOR 5 DAYS

AND DID THE WHOLE JOB
IN ONE.

I'M REALLY BEST
UNDER PRESSURE.

ONE DAY TO CREATE
THE WORLD?

AND THE SUN.

I HATE TO WORK
IN THE DARK.

ANYWAY, YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER

THAT ONE OF MY DAYS IS NOT
EXACTLY ONE OF YOURS.

HOW LONG ARE THEY?

WHEN I GOT UP
THIS MORNING,

SIGMUND FREUD WAS STILL
IN MEDICAL SCHOOL.

OH.

IF YOU'RE SO INVOLVED
WITH US...

YEAH?

HOW CAN YOU PERMIT
ALL THE SUFFERING

THAT GOES ON
IN THE WORLD?

AH, HOW CAN I PERMIT
THE SUFFERING?

YEAH!

I DON'T PERMIT
THE SUFFERING.

YOU DO. FREE WILL.

ALL THE CHOICES
ARE YOURS.

CHOICES?
WHAT CHOICES?

YOU CAN LOVE EACH OTHER,

CHERISH AND NURTURE
EACH OTHER,

YOU CAN KILL EACH OTHER.

INCIDENTALLY,
KILL IS THE WORD.

IT'S NOT WASTE.

IF I MEANT WASTE,
I WOULD HAVE WRITTEN,

"THOU SHALT NOT WASTE."

YOU'RE DOING SOME VERY
FUNNY THINGS WITH WORDS HERE.

YOU'RE ALSO TURNING
THE SKY INTO MUD.

I LOOK DOWN,

I DON'T BELIEVE
THE FILTH.

USING RIVERS FOR TOILETS.

POISONING MY FISHES.

YOU WANT A MIRACLE?

YOU MAKE A FISH
FROM SCRATCH.

YOU CAN'T.

YOU THINK ONLY GOD
CAN MAKE A TREE?

TRYING COMING UP
WITH A MACKEREL.

AND WHEN THE LAST
ONE IS GONE,

THAT'LL BE THAT.

86 ON THE FISHES,
GOOD-BYE, SKY,

SO LONG, WORLD.
OVER AND OUT.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID
WE WERE GONNA MAKE IT?

I SAID YOU'VE GOT
TO MAKE IT WORK.

Y-Y-YOU DON'T CARE!

I DO CARE.

WELL, THEN DO SOMETHING
ABOUT IT!

I DID.

I GOT YOU TO CARRY
THE BALL.

I'VE GOT NO BALL!

HOW CAN I CARRY IT?

I GAVE YOU A MOUTH,
DIDN'T I?

TELL PEOPLE HOW I FEEL,
WHAT I SAID.

HOW DO I DO THAT?

HOW DID YOU GET TO BE
AN ASSISTANT MANAGER?

DID YOU EVER HEAR
OF NEWSPAPERS, REPORTERS?

YOU GOT A SCOOP HERE,
AN EXCLUSIVE.

A "HOLD THE PRESSES."

FINE.

FINE.

AND HOW DO I
CONVINCE ANYBODY

THAT I'VE ACTUALLY
SEEN YOU,

THAT YOU EXIST?

SIMPLE.

SHOW 'EM THIS.

YOUR CARD?

NO, NO, NO.
IT'S NOT MY CARD!

IT'S GOD'S CARD.

IT'S GOD'S CARD?

LOOK AT IT.

I AM.

DO YOU KNOW
WHERE I GOT IT?

AT A NOVELTY STORE?

GOD GAVE IT TO ME.

OH, DID HE?

UH-HUH.

MAY I ASK WHEN AND WHERE
YOU GOT IT?

THIS MORNING
IN MY BATHROOM.

GOD VISITED YOU

IN YOUR BATHROOM
THIS MORNING?

YES.

SOUNDS CRAZY TO YOU,
DOESN'T IT?

UM, WELL--

YESTERDAY
HE WAS JUST A VOICE

ON AN INTERCOM,

AND THEN HE WAS ON
THE RADIO.

GOD--UH, GOD SPOKE TO YOU
ON THE RADIO?

IN MY CAR.

WHAT STATION?

ALL OF THEM.

ALL STATIONS,
RIGHT.

AND THEN THIS MORNING

HE SHOWED UP
IN YOUR BATHROOM?

YES.

WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE

THE ALMIGHTY SPOKE
TO YOU, MR...

LANDERS.

MR. LANDERS?

JERRY LANDERS.

HE SAID
THAT HE WANTED ME

TO BE HIS MESSENGER.

LIKE MOSES.

WHAT SORT OF WORK
DO YOU DO, MR. LANDERS?

I'M THE ASSISTANT
MANAGER AT FOOD WORLD

IN BURBANK.

I SEE.

WELL, THEN YOU DON'T
SPEAK TO GOD

EVERY DAY, DO YOU?

NEVER, BEFORE YESTERDAY.

UH-HUH.

DID GOD SAY...

WHY HE NEEDED
A MESSENGER

AT THIS PARTICULAR TIME,
MR. LANDERS?

OH, YES.

HE WAS VERY SPECIFIC.

HE SAID THAT
HE WANTED US TO KNOW

THAT IT CAN WORK.

WHAT "IT" IS THAT?

US "IT."

OUR LIVES, OUR WORLD,
EVERYTHING.

HE SAID THAT HE'S GIVEN US
EVERYTHING THAT WE NEED

AND IT'S ENTIRELY UP
TO US.

AND THOSE WERE
HIS EXACT WORDS?

CLOSE ENOUGH.
YOU CAN PRINT THAT.

DID GOD SPECIFY
THE LOS ANGELES TIMES?

THAT WAS MY IDEA.

WELL, WE'RE
VERY GRATEFUL.

I'M NOT A NUT.

OH, I DIDN'T SAY
THAT YOU WERE.

I'M NOT EVEN RELIGIOUS.

YES, WELL...

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
MR. LANDERS,

FOR BRINGING US
THIS STORY.

LOOK,
DON'T BRUSH ME OFF.

DO ME A FAVOR AND LOOK
AT THAT CARD AGAIN.

TAKE A LOOK A GOOD
HARD LOOK AT IT.

CERTAINLY. CERTAINLY.

NOW, DOES THAT
LOOK LIKE SOMETHING

I'D GET AT
A NOVELTY SHOP?

YES.

NORMAN, DID YOU JUST PUT
A BAG OF POTATOES

ON TOP OF THAT
WHITE BREAD?

OH, NO, SIR.

I THINK YOU DID.

[GOD'S VOICE] MR. LANDERS,
PLEASE COME TO AISLE 1O.

AISLE 10, PLEASE.

DID YOU HEAR THAT,
NORMAN?

OH, YES, SIR.

NEVER PUT A BAG
OF POTATOES

ON TOP OF
A WHITE BREAD.

NO, UH, THE PAGE.
I WAS JUST PAGED.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING.
DID I?

WE'LL GET YOU A NEW
WHITE BREAD, MA'AM.

TAKE CARE OF IT.

GOD?

CHEMICALS.
ALL CHEMICALS.

TURNING KIDS
INTO GARBAGE CANS.

JERRY, I DIDN'T SEE ONE WORD
IN THE NEWSPAPERS.

WELL, OF COURSE NOT.

THAT GUY AT THE TIMES
KEPT LOOKING AT ME

LIKE I WAS
SOME KIND OF A LUNATIC.

AND I FELT LIKE ONE.

DID YOU SHOW HIM
MY CARD?

SURE I DID.

AND HE SAID YOU CAN
GET ONE OF THOSE

IN ANY NOVELTY
STORE.

HERE. YOU KNOW, I REALLY
FELT LIKE AN IDIOT.

PLEASE DON'T DO
THAT TO ME AGAIN.

YOU SAID WHAT I SAID?

ABSOLUTELY!

AND THEY DIDN'T FIND
GOD'S WORD FIT TO PRINT?

SOME TOUGH COOKIES,
BOY.

[WOMEN TALKING]

UH, GOOD MORNING,
MRS. LEVIN.

HI.

MRS. GREEN.

HI, JERRY.

YOU KNOW, I'D LIKE YOU
TO MEET, UH--

YOU DID IT
TO ME AGAIN.

WHAT DID SHE DO?

WHAT? UM...

NOTHING.

CAN I HELP YOU,
LADIES?

NO.

WE'RE ALL RIGHT.

OH, YES.
THANK GOODNESS.

WHAT WAS THAT
ALL ABOUT?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHY DID YOU
CHANGE ON ME?

WHY DID YOU START TO
INTRODUCE ME TO THE LADIES?

LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO BE

THE ONLY GUY
IN THE WORLD THAT--

LOOK, I CAN'T MAKE
APPEARANCES ALL OVER.

NO, I--
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

PEOPLE WOULD BE DROPPING DEAD
FROM HYSTERICS.

MR. LANDERS.

THIS PLACE IS TOO BUSY.

CAN YOU SIGN
THIS, PLEASE?

OH, OH, YEAH.

JERRY.

UP HERE.

LET'S GO
FOR A RIDE.

I'LL MEET YOU.

WHERE?

WHAT?
OH, NOT YOU.

OH.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.

WHY WOULDN'T A RELIGIOUS
EDITOR BELIEVE YOU?

FACE IT.
YOU GOOFED AGAIN,

JUST LIKE
THE AVOCADO PIT.

YOU PICKED THE WRONG
MESSAGE BOY.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE
I'M HERE, DO YOU?

NO, I DON'T.

THEN HOW DO EXPLAIN
THIS CONVERSATION WE'RE HAVING?

I'M HAVING.

I'M DREAMING YOU.

AND I'LL BE REAL GLAD
WHEN I WAKE UP, TOO.

WHAT COLOR
ARE MY EYES?

HUH?

MY EYES.

BLUE.

MY SHIRT?

RED PLAID.

WHAT HAS THAT GOT TO DO
WITH ANYTHING?

DO YOU DREAM IN COLOR?

NO!

BINGO AGAIN.

OK. ALL RIGHT.

NOW, SEE, YOU KNOW
A LOT OF THINGS,

AND YOU'VE BEEN MAKING
A LOT OF THINGS HAPPEN,

BUT NONE OF IT SEEMS...

GOD-LIKE?

YEAH, GOD-LIKE!

AND WHAT, TO YOU,
WOULD BE GOD-LIKE?

UH...

CHANGE THE WEATHER.

AH. SPECIAL EFFECTS, HUH?

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE,
A LITTLE EARTHQUAKE,

A SMALL HURRICANE?

NO, NO. I WOULDN'T
WANT ANYBODY HURT.

I WAS JUST THINKING
MAYBE, UH,

WHAT ABOUT
A LITTLE RAIN?

A LITTLE RAIN?

YEAH, A SMALL SHOWER.

ONE SMALL SHOWER.
YOU GOT IT.

HEY! HEY, IT'S RAINING!

YOU MADE IT RAIN!

YOU DIDN'T EVEN
BAT AN EYE.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO
LIFT A FINGER!

RAIN'S NOT THAT HARD.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE!

WOULD YOU LIKE IT
TO RAIN A LITTLE HARDER?

NO, NO!
THIS IS FINE!

HOW ABOUT BIGGER DROPS?

NO! THIS IS FINE,
FINE.

WOULD YOU
CARE FOR A LITTLE SNOW?

I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

HEY! HEY, IT'S NOT
RAINING OUTSIDE!

IT'S JUST IN HERE!

WHY SHOULD I SPOIL
EVERYBODY'S DAY?

THIS IS FANTASTIC!

THANK YOU.

IT'S JUST LIKE
NOAH'S ARK!

SAME THING,
WITHOUT THE SMELL.

[SIREN]

WH-WHAT'S THE PROBLEM,
OFFICER?

WELL, I WAS ABOUT
TO ASK YOU.

UH...

MY--MY RADIATOR
MUST BE LEAKING.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

A RADIATOR DOESN'T
HOLD THAT MUCH WATER.

OH. UH...

I--I MUST HAVE DROVE
THROUGH A CAR WASH

WITH MY WINDOWS OPEN?

OH, WELL,
THAT WOULD DO IT.

YEAH.

WELL, ROLL UP
THE WINDOWS NEXT TIME.

YES, SIR, I WILL.

YES, SIR!

THANK YOU, SIR.

HE BELIEVED
THAT DUMB EXCUSE.

THERE'S AN AURA
OF GOODNESS AROUND YOU.

YOU.

GOING TO TRY
A LITTLE HARDER

TO GET THE WORD OUT?

WELL, I, UH...

[THUNDER]

UH, YEAH! I'LL GIVE IT
ANOTHER SHOT!

THAT'S MY BOY.

MR. BRIGGS.

YOU'RE ALL WET.

OF COURSE I'M WET!

I DIDN'T DRY MYSELF.
I WANTED YOU TO SEE THIS.

DO YOU REMEMBER ME?

OF COURSE.
YOU'RE THE NON-BELIEVER

WHO SPOKE TO GOD--
TWICE, I BELIEVE.

4 TIMES NOW.

IS HE STILL VISITING
YOU IN THE TOILET?

NO. I JUST TOOK A RIDE
WITH HIM IN MY CAR,

AND THIS TIME
I HAVE GOT THE PROOF!

HE GAVE YOU
ANOTHER CALLING CARD?

NO. HE MADE IT RAIN
INSIDE THE CAR!

THIS WATER THAT I'M DRIPPING
ALL OVER HERE

IS WATER THAT HE MADE!

THIS IS HOLY WATER!

UH, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I REALLY AM IN A HURRY--

I WILL NOT
EXCUSE YOU, MR. BRIGGS!

NOW, YOU ARE A REPORTER
OF RELIGIOUS EVENTS,

AND THIS IS THE MOST
IMPORTANT RELIGIOUS EVENT

OF OUR TIME,

AND I EXPECT YOU--

I DON'T EXPECT,
I INSIST

THAT YOU PRINT
HIS MESSAGE

AND PUT IT
IN YOUR PAPER

AND GIVE IT THE PROMINENCE
THAT IT DESERVES,

OR, BY GOD, YOU WILL HEAR
FROM ME AGAIN!

JERRY.

HMM?

NO, NO, NO.
LISTEN TO THIS.

"IT SHOULD COME
AS NO SURPRISE TO ANYONE

"THAT IN THESE
TENSE-FILLED TIMES,

"RELIGIOUS FREAKS
ABOUND.

"FROM THE BRONX
CABBIE WHO CLAIMS

"HE DROVE MARY MAGDALENE

TO THE AIRPORT
LAST CHRISTMAS..."

LISTEN.

"TO THE BURBANK,
CALIFORNIA,

"SUPERMARKET MANAGER
WHO INSISTS

HE'S HAD 4 CONVERSATIONS
WITH GOD, NO LESS."

WHAT?

"ACCORDING
TO THE SECOND GENTLEMAN,

"WHO FLASHES
A CALLING CARD

"WITH GOD'S NAME ON IT,

"GOD WANTS VERY MUCH
FOR US TO KNOW

"HE IS ALIVE AND WELL

"AND THAT OUR WORLD
CAN WORK.

IT'S UP TO US."

LET ME SEE THAT.

JERRY,
THE LOS ANGELES TIMES.

WHERE IS IT?

HOW COULD YOU,
FOR GOD'S--

WELL,
IT'S RIGHT HERE.

SOME TERRIFIC
COMPANY.

SEE THIS?

A JANITOR WHO
SLEEPS ALL NIGHT

TIED UP ON A CROSS.

DID ANYBODY ELSE
SAY THEY SAW GOD?

NO, JERRY.

WELL, THERE'S
AN INSURANCE SALESMAN

SELLING LIFE-AFTER-DEATH
POLICIES.

BUT ONLY YOU HAVE TALKED
TO THE BIG BOSS.

DID YOU JUST SAY
YOU SAW HIM?

YES.

YOU DIDN'T
JUST HEAR HIM?

ONE LINE!

THAT'S ALL THEY GAVE IT
IS ONE LINE.

JERRY, ARE YOU SAYING NOW
THAT YOU SAW GOD?

3 TIMES, YEAH.

3 TIMES?

IN THE BATHROOM, AT WORK,
AND IN THE CAR.

ONE LOUSY LINE.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

JERRY...LET'S GO AWAY

FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS,
OK?

LOOK, BOBBIE,

I KNOW HOW CRAZY
THIS ALL SOUNDS.

NO, YOU DON'T.

BOBBIE...

I SAW HIM.

HE SPOKE TO ME.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S SAY
FOR A MINUTE

THAT YOU SAW GOD.

LOOK, DON'T HUMOR ME.

THAT'LL REALLY
MAKE ME CRAZY.

OK! OK. YOU SAW HIM.

BUT WHY IS HE TALKING
TO YOU?

WELL, WHY NOT ME?

WELL, WHY NOT THE POPE,
OR BILLY GRAHAM,

OR SOMEBODY
WAY UP THERE?

BECAUSE HE DOESN'T
CARE ABOUT RELIGION!

OH, GOD DOESN'T CARE
ABOUT RELIGION?

WELL, THAT'S WHAT HE SAID!

WELL, HE SURE PICKED
A FUNNY BUSINESS

TO GO INTO, THEN,
DIDN'T HE?

OH, I'M SORRY,
JERRY.

I'M SORRY.

I--I CAN'T SEEM TO ACCEPT
THE CONCEPT

OF YOU ACTUALLY HAVING
A REAL HONEST-TO-GOD

CONVERSATION WITH GOD.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY HE WANTED
TO TALK TO YOU!

OH, GOD. LISTEN TO ME.

THIS WHOLE THING
IS MAKING ME NUTS, TOO.

TOO?

YOU DO THINK
I'M CRAZY.

NO.

I DON'T THINK
YOU'RE CRAZY,

WHICH IS WHY I THINK
I'M CRAZY.

BOBBIE, HOW CAN I
CONVINCE ANYONE AT ALL

IF I CAN'T CONVINCE YOU?

JERRY, FOR SOME REASON

THAT I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN
TO FATHOM,

YOU REALLY BELIEVE
ALL THIS STUFF, DON'T YOU?

CAN'T YOU?

WELL, I BELIEVE...

THAT YOU BELIEVE...

WHICH IS IN SOME SENSE
IS THE SAME AS BELIEVING,

I GUESS, ISN'T IT?

DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'VE SAID?

DO YOU HAVE
ANY QUESTIONS?

ADAM?

UH...

SOUNDS PRETTY
BANANAS, DAD.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

HELLO?

WHO?

UH, NO.

HE ISN'T HOME RIGHT NOW.

NO. NO, THAT'S NOT HIM.

YES, YES. YOU CAN PRINT
THAT IN YOUR PAPER.

HE IS DEFINITELY NOT
THE MAN IN THE TIMES TODAY.

CAN I GO NOW, DAD?

SURE, SON.

YEAH.

I'LL MEET YOU.

LOOK, I'M HIS WIFE.
YOU CAN BELIEVE ME.

DON'T CALL BACK.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

MAYBE HE'S GOING THROUGH
A STAGE.

YOU KNOW, MENTAL-PAUSE.

THAT'S MENOPAUSE.

YEAH! LIKE GRANDMA.

I HOPE.

AND FINALLY,
THIS NOTE.

THE LOS ANGELES SUNDAY TIMES
REPORTS TODAY

THAT IN TARZANA,
CALIFORNIA,

A SUPERMARKET MANAGER,
JERRY LANDERS,

HAD HAD AN ALLEGED
CONVERSATION

WITH SOMEONE
HE CLAIMED WAS GOD.

ACCORDING
TO THE STORY,

GOD HAS APPEARED
ON EARTH

TO REAFFIRM THAT HE LIVES
AND OUR WORLD CAN WORK.

IT'S UP TO US.

WELL, THIS REPORTER

WOULD LIKE
TO HEDGE HIS BETS

ON THE OUTSIDE CHANCE

THAT GOD DID
MAKE THIS APPEARANCE

AND THAT HE JUST MIGHT
BE TUNED TO ABC.

WE'D LIKE HIM TO KNOW
WE DID REPORT IT.

THIS IS JERRY DUNPHY.
THANK YOU, AND GOOD NIGHT.

EVEN MOSES DIDN'T
GIVE HIS LAST NAME.

THAT SHOULD GET
THE PHONE RINGING.

[MUFFLED RING]

I TOLD YOU.

[RING]

HELLO!

YES, THIS IS
JERRY LANDERS.

IT'S THE TARZANA
DAILY REVIEW.

YES, I'M THE ONE.

SPOKE WITH HIM.
ABSOLUTELY!

OH, ABOUT 6-FOOT,
BLONDISH HAIR...

OH, HIM.

UH, ABOUT 5'7",
I GUESS.

UH, GRAY HAIR.

I ALMOST FORGOT
MY PROJECT.

JERRY!

I'M COMING!

JERRY, YOU MADE
THE FRONT PAGE.

WHAT?

HEY,
EVERYBODY LOOK!

WHAT?

CHANNEL 11?

THAT'S THE 10 O'CLOCK
NEWS!

CAN WE STAY UP
AND WATCH US?

JERRY, I DON'T WANT
THE KIDS ON TV.

CAN'T BE WORSE
THAN WATCHING IT.

DON'T WORRY.

COME ON, KIDS.

ROLL THE CAMERAS.

MR. LANDERS?

YES.

CHANNEL 11,
10 O'CLOCK NEWS.

YOU'RE QUOTED AS
SAYING

THAT YOU'VE
TALKED WITH GOD, SIR?

YES.

FACE TO FACE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

HE'S A FRUITCAKE.

AND YOU SAY GOD WANTS
TO AFFIRM HE'S ALIVE,

AND HE'S VERY DISAPPOINTED
WITH THE WAY

WE'RE HANDLING
OUR WORLD?

UH, THAT'S RIGHT.

HOW ARE YOU GOING
TO GET PEOPLE

TO BELIEVE YOU?

WELL, IT WASN'T MY IDEA,
YOU KNOW?

UH, HE--HE PICKED ME.

IS GOD GOING TO REVEAL
HIMSELF TO YOU

AS YOU CLAIM HE HAS?

NOT AS I CLAIM
HE HAS. AS HE HAS.

I DON'T KNOW IF
HE'LL SHOW UP AGAIN,

BUT HE GAVE ME
HIS MESSAGE, AND--

DAD, IT'S 10 TILL.

YES, ADAM.

THAT HE EXISTS?

YES, AND THAT HE WOULD LIKE

US TO CHERISH
AND NURTURE EACH OTHER,

AS OPPOSED TO KILLING
ONE ANOTHER.

HE SAID THAT?

YEAH. THAT HE'S
OUR SHEPHERD

AND WE SHALL NOT
WANT.

WE CAN QUOTE YOU?

I DIDN'T MAKE
THAT UP.

FOR 10 O'CLOCK NEWS,

THIS IS MARIO MACHADO

WITH THE MAN WHO TALKED
TO GOD IN TARZANA.

UH--IT--UH--
THE SECOND TIME.

THE FIRST TIME
WAS IN LOS ANGELES.

I STAND CORRECTED.

[P.A.] MR. LANDERS.

PLEASE CALL MR. SUMMERS
AT HIS OFFICE.

MR. SUMMERS
FOR MR. LANDERS.

LANDERS.

MR. SUMMERS.

GLAD YOU COULD
GET HERE SO FAST.

WELL, YOU SAID--

RIGHT. HAVE A SEAT.

THANK YOU.

HOW'S IT GOING, LANDERS?

FINE.

YOU'VE TAKEN OVER
WHILE SLAVICK

IS VACATIONING, I HEAR.

YES, SIR.

THINK SOMEDAY YOU CAN HANDLE
A STORE AS MANAGER?

I'M SURE I CAN.

GOOD.

EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT
AT HOME?

WONDERFUL.

THE MISSIS, KIDS,
ADAM, BETSY?

BECKY.

GOOD, GOOD.

WHAT IS THIS "SEEING GOD"
CRAP ALL ABOUT?

WELL, IT'S NOT CRAP,
MR. SUMMERS.

I'VE SEEN HIM.

YOU KNOW, I'VE HEARD IT ALL
IN THIS CHAIR.

I KNOW WHAT BEING
A MANAGER CAN DO TO A MAN.

TROUBLE WITH BOOKS.

HUMPING CHECKOUT GIRLS
IN THE FREEZER.

I'M ONLY THE ASSISTANT
MANAGER.

YOU CAN TELL ME.

THERE'S NOTHING
LIKE THAT TO TELL.

I REALLY HAVE
SEEN HIM.

LANDERS...

THE FOUNDER AND PRINCIPAL
STOCKHOLDER OF FOOD WORLD

IS A MAN DEVOTED
TO PRAYER.

LOWELL WILSON HAS PERSONALLY
GOTTEN DOWN ON HIS KNEES...

WITH 3 U.S. PRESIDENTS.

HE ATTENDED
PRAYER BREAKFASTS

AND ASKED FOR
GOD'S BLESSING

WITH THE JOINT
CHIEFS OF STAFF

RIGHT IN THE WAR ROOM
OF THE PENTAGON.

NOW, I DON'T THINK
THAT MR. WILSON

IS GOING TO TAKE
TOO KINDLY TO THE IDEA

THAT ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES

IS CLAIMING TO HAVE HAD
A PERSONAL AUDIENCE

WITH THE ALMIGHTY
HIMSELF!

I--I SHOULD THINK THAT
HE WOULD BE VERY HAPPY

TO KNOW THAT HIS PRAYERS
ARE HEARD.

MR. WILSON HAS REACHED
THAT POINT IN HIS LIFE

WHERE HE CAN BE SURE
HIS PRAYERS ARE HEARD.

HE DOESN'T NEED
ANY HELP FROM YOU.

IT'S NOT ME.

I'M JUST KIND OF LIKE
A MOSES.

LOOK, LANDERS.

NOW, I DON'T WANT
TO PUMP ANY SUNSHINE

UP YOUR SKIRT,

BUT YOU HAVE A FUTURE
AT FOOD WORLD.

DON'T BLOW IT.

NOW, YOU JUST KEEP
YOUR MOUTH SHUT

AND STAY AWAY
FROM REPORTERS.

AND IF I DON'T?

WELL, GOD MAY HAVE BEEN
INTERESTED

IN TALKING TO YOU
AS AN ASSISTANT MANAGER.

NOW, WE'LL SEE HOW HE FEELS
ABOUT YOU...AS A BAG STUFFER.

OVER HERE!

I THOUGHT I'D
STRAIGHTEN UP A LITTLE.

THE MESS PEOPLE MAKE.

TAKE A SEAT.

IT STARTED, HUH?

YOU SAID YOU SAW ME

AND THE PRESSURE
STARTED.

IS IT GONNA
GET ANY WORSE?

HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
HOW SHOULD YOU KNOW?

HOW COULD I KNOW?

YOU KNOW EVERYTHING!

I ONLY KNOW WHAT IS.

ALSO, I'M VERY BIG
ON WHAT WAS.

ON WHAT ISN'T YET,
I HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE.

WHEN YOU SAID--

MOVE YOUR FOOT.
SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.

WHEN YOU SAID EVERYTHING
WAS GONNA WORK OUT,

I THOUGHT YOU COULD TELL
THE FUTURE.

ABSOLUTELY
I CAN TELL THE FUTURE.

THE MINUTE IT BECOMES
THE PAST.

I SAID EVERYTHING
COULD WORK OUT,

IF THAT'S
EVERYBODY'S CHOICE.

PEOPLE HAVE TO DECIDE
ON THEIR OWN

WHAT'S TO BE DONE
WITH THE WORLD.

I CAN'T MAKE A PERSONAL
DECISION FOR EVERYBODY.

WHY THE FACE?

SO FAR, SO GOOD.

WE HIT THE PAPERS,
A LITTLE TV.

WE'RE IN BUSINESS.

YOU KNOW, I'M LIABLE
TO LOSE MY JOB.

LOSE A JOB,
SAVE A WORLD.

NOT A BAD DEAL.

HEY, ADAM!

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

I GOT OFF EARLY
FROM WORK, SON.

I THOUGHT I'D GIVE
YOU A LIFT HOME.

UH, NO THANKS, DAD.
I'LL WALK.

NO, COME ON.

NO, NO. I'VE GOT
NEW TENNIS SHOES ON.

I WANT TO BREAK THEM IN.

SEE YOU LATER.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

WELL, WHY WOULDN'T
THEY BE EMBARRASSED?

THEIR FRIENDS RIBBED
THE HELL OUT OF THEM, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S ROTTEN.

THEY WANTED TO KNOW

IF YOU COULD GET
THEIR TEST ANSWERS

FROM GOD,

AND COULD HE DO ANYTHING
ABOUT THEIR LITTLE LEAGUE TEAM?

THEY GAVE THEM
A VERY ROUGH DAY.

JERRY, WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO DO ABOUT MR. SUMMERS?

WHAT CAN I DO?

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME
TO DO?

I WANT YOU TO SAY
NO MORE ABOUT IT,

LIKE HE SAID NOT TO!

BOBBIE, MR. SUMMERS
REPRESENTS FOOD WORLD.

GOD IS WITH
"WORLD" WORLD.

IT'S A SLIGHTLY
BIGGER OBLIGATION.

BIGGER THAN YOUR JOB?

I HAVE NO CHOICE.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

THE PROBLEM IS YOU DO!

HOW FAR DO YOU INTEND
TO TAKE THIS?

I MEAN, HOW LONG
IS THIS GOING TO GO ON?

UNTIL EVERYONE
GET THE MESSAGE.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

UNTIL I CAN CONVINCE
PEOPLE OF THIS...MIRACLE!

THAT'S WHAT IT IS,
YOU KNOW.

IT'S A MIRACLE!
NOTHING LESS!

AND I'VE GOT TO REACH
THE GREATEST NUMBER

OF PEOPLE POSSIBLE
AND TELL THEM ABOUT IT.

IT'S FOR YOU.

THE PRODUCER OF
THE DINAH SHORE SHOW.

YOU'VE BEEN
ON TELEVISION A LONG...

NOT THAT LONG.
I'M SORRY.

NO, I'M MUCH YOUNGER
THAN I LOOK.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

NO. I DIDN'T WANT
TO SAY IT THAT WAY.

I'M YOUNGER THAN PEOPLE
THINK I AM--THAT'S THE WAY--

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN
AROUND A LONG TIME.

BUT EVERYTHING
YOU'VE DONE

HAS HAD SUCH
TREMENDOUS IMPACT.

IT'S BEEN MAGNIFICENT.
I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING BAD,

EVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

I'M ONE OF
THE PERFECT PEOPLE.

THAT'S KIND OF EXCITING.

IT IS. IT IS.

DO YOU REMEMBER

YOUR FIRST MOMENT
ON TELEVISION?

WELL, ACTUALLY I DO.

IT WAS IN 1948.

IT WAS MAGGIE McNELLIS'
CRYSTAL ROOM,

AND WE WERE TOLD
TO BE VISUAL IN THOSE DAYS.

AT THAT TIME,
THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY

WAS VERY POPULAR,

SO I GAVE A 15-SECOND
IMPRESSION

OF THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY,

ABOUT THE MAN WHO CAROUSES

AND HE STAYS LOOKING GOOD,

BUT HIS PICTURE
FALLS APART.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

READY, MR. LANDERS?

UH, RIGHT.

RIGHT.

OK, YOU'LL TAKE THE EMPTY SEAT
NEXT TO DINAH.

THIS SHOW IS TAPED,
ISN'T IT?

YES. IT WILL BE ON
A WEEK FROM TODAY.

YOU MAY HAVE READ
ABOUT MY NEXT GUEST

IN THE NEWSPAPERS
RECENTLY.

HE IS A SUPERMARKET
MANAGER

FROM TARZANA,
CALIFORNIA,

WHO SAYS THAT HE HAS
BEEN INSTRUCTED BY GOD

TO SPREAD THE MESSAGE
THAT GOD LIVES

AND GOD CARES.

PLEASE WELCOME
MR. JERRY LANDERS.

[APPLAUSE]

AM I ON?

ALMOST.

THAT APPLAUSE
IS FOR YOU.

IS DINAH NICE,
DADDY?

NOT NOW, HONEY.

YOU'RE NOT NERVOUS,
ARE YOU?

NO.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

WELL, I DON'T MIND
TELLING YOU I AM.

YOU HAVE SOME PRETTY
POWERFUL FRIENDS.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

WHY ARE THEY LAUGHING?

JUST WATCH, DARLING.

BECAUSE GOD'S
DADDY'S FRIEND.

OH.

WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE

HE PICKED YOU,
JERRY?

GOD ONLY KNOWS.
I MEAN...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU SAID THAT

GOD WANTS US TO KNOW
THAT HE STILL CARES.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE
HE WANTS US TO KNOW?

WELL, YES.

THAT HE'S GIVEN US

EVERYTHING THAT WE NEED

TO MAKE OUR LIFE WORK,
TO MAKE THE WORLD WORK,

AND THAT HE'S
WATCHING US.

HE'S WATCHING?

YES.

WATCHING US? NOW?

WELL, YES.

I...

JERRY,
YOU AGREED EARLIER

TO BE PART OF
AN EXPERIMENT TODAY

WITH THE LOS ANGELES
POLICE DEPARTMENT.

DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE
A LIE DETECTOR TEST?

I WILL.
OH, NO.

THIS IS A SKETCH ARTIST

FROM THE LOS ANGELES
POLICE DEPARTMENT,

AND HE'S AN EXPERT

AND VERY ADEPT
AT MAKING A SKETCH

FROM A DESCRIPTION.

AND I THINK
ALL OF US HERE

WOULD LIKE TO KNOW
WHAT GOD LOOKS LIKE.

YOU WOULD LIKE
TO KNOW?

[APPLAUSE]

SHALL WE?

OK, FOLLOW ME.

JERRY, THIS IS
MR. FERNANDO PONCE.

PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

PLEASE SIT THERE.

UH, MR. PONCE,
AS I SAID,

IS AN EXPERT

AT EYEWITNESS
SKETCHES

FOR THE L.A.
POLICE DEPARTMENT.

UH, HOW DO I START?

TELL ME ABOUT THE SHAPE
OF HIS FACE.

THE SHAPE IS, UH...

IT'S TRIANGULAR...

I GUESS.

UH, HE'S GOT,
UH, LARGE EARS.

JERRY, I DON'T BELIEVE
YOU ACTUALLY DID THIS.

IT WAS THEIR IDEA.

HE WEARS GLASSES.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

GOD WEARS GLASSES?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

HE'S WEARING
A FISHING CAP.

A FISHING CAP?

MAYBE IT'S LIKE
A BASEBALL CAP.

HIS LIPS ARE
KIND OF THIN.

HIS NOSE IS STRAIGHT.

IT'S ROUND ON THE END.

NO ONE'S SUPPOSED TO KNOW
WHAT GOD LOOKS LIKE!

I DO.

YOU DO?

YEAH. IN BIBLE COMICS,

THEY HAD A PICTURE
OF HIM LAST WEEK.

THEY'RE HORN-RIMMED
GLASSES. THEY'RE NOT--

THEY'RE PLASTIC ONES,
YOU KNOW?

WHERE WOULD
YOU SUPPOSE

HE WOULD GET
HIS GLASSES?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

AND YOU KNOW, HE...

ANYWHERE
HE LIKES.

WELL, YEAH, HE...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

BOY, I SURE HOPE MY FRIENDS
ARE DOING THEIR HOMEWORK.

THIS IS WHAT GOD
LOOKED LIKE TO YOU?

WELL, HE'S SORT OF
CAPTURED THE SENSE...

I GUESS.

WELL, AMERICA,

HERE IT IS,

AS SEEN THROUGH
THE EYES...

OF JERRY LANDERS.

GOD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DAD, YOU'RE GOING
TO GET GOD ARRESTED.

YOU SAID IT WOULD
BE DONE BY 6:00.

I'M SORRY,
BUT I JUST GOT THE PART.

OH. HEY!

UH, WEREN'T YOU ON
THE DINAH SHOW LAST NIGHT?

YEAH.

YEAH, THAT WAS REAL,
UH, DIFFERENT.

EXCUSE ME.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO GET HOME NOW?

WHERE TO, MISTER?

GET IN.

OH.

I HOPE YOU
GOT A LICENSE.

HA.

DID YOU WATCH
DINAH SHORE LAST NIGHT?

I WATCH EVERYTHING.

I GOT YOU
NATIONAL EXPOSURE.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

I COULD BE HAPPIER.

HOW?

FOR STARTERS,
YOU DO A SHOW LIKE THAT,

YOU DON'T LET THEM
PUT YOU ON

THE LAST FEW MINUTES.

THAT'S FOR FELLAS
WHO WRITE DIET BOOKS.

IT WASN'T UP TO ME.

WHAT WAS THAT
DRAWING THING?

HE WAS
A POLICE ARTIST.

THE MAN DRAWS CROOKS.

HE MAKES EVERYBODY
LOOK LIKE A CROOK.

HE MADE ME LOOK LIKE
A SECOND-STORY MAN.

IT'S PUBLICITY.

I'M USED TO A LITTLE
BETTER TREATMENT.

THAT PAINTING OF ME
BY MICHELANGELO--

THAT'S A PICTURE.

AND HE DID IT LAYING
FLAT ON HIS BACK.

NOW WHAT HAPPENS?

NOW WE SEE WHO CAN
STILL BELIEVE,

WHO WANTS TO,
WHO NEEDS TO.

A FEW MILLION PEOPLE
SAW YOU LAST NIGHT, RIGHT?

A FEW MILLION?
SOME OF THEM WILL BELIEVE YOU.

SOME ARE GOING TO WANT
TO PUNCH ME IN THE HEAD.

SOME WILL WANT TO FIRE ME.

SOME MAY DECIDE
I'M TOO CRAZY TO LIVE WITH.

WE CAN'T WORRY
ABOUT THOSE.

THE BALL IS ROLLING.

YEAH, RIGHT OVER ME.

DON'T BE A MALCONTENT.
I'LL WATCH OVER YOU.

WHILE YOU'RE WATCHING OVER ME,
WOULD YOU WATCH THE ROAD, TOO?

I'D RATHER WATCH
A NICE SUNSET.

[HORNS BLARING]

[TAMBOURINES JINGLING]

[CHANTING]

BOY, DINAH SHORE MUST GET
A PRETTY BIG RATING.

OH, NO.

YOU'RE ON, KID.

JERRY?

YES, GOD.

YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH
THAT COMES FROM KNOWING.

CAN I HAVE ONE MINUTE
WITH YOU, PLEASE?

I HAVE SOMETHING
IMPORTANT TO SAY TO YOU.

IT JUST CAN'T WAIT.

PLEASE! PLEASE,
BLESS MY BABY!

BLESS MY BABY.
TOUCH HIM! PRAY FOR HIM!

PRAY FOR MY BABY!

ONE SECOND.

IF I COULD JUST HAVE
ONE SECOND WITH YOU.

IT'S NOT FOR ME.
IT'S FOR YOU.

SANCTIFY MY BODY.

BLESS HIM!

MAKE HIM
A TRUE BELIEVER!

OHH...

GIVE ME YOUR
GOLDEN STAFF.

I CAN'T.

GOD SAID IT'S OK.

OFFICER.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT!

UM, AND COULD YOU

MOVE THE REST OF
THEM ALONG, TOO.

YES. COME ON, NOW.
LET'S MOVE ALONG.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT!

I WENT TO EMPTY
THE GARBAGE

AND 2 PEOPLE
BLESSED ME.

AND THEN ONE OF THEM
BLESSED THE GARBAGE!

AND THEN HE ASKED ME
IF OUR CHILDREN

WERE CONCEIVED
IMMACULATELY.

NOW, CALM DOWN,
HONEY.

THE POLICE HAD TO TAKE
OUR KIDS TO SCHOOL TODAY

BECAUSE THEY SAID
IT WAS SAFER.

THAT'S AWFUL!

YES, THAT'S AWFUL.
YOU WANT TO HEAR AWFULER?

MR. SUMMERS SAID
THAT LOWELL WILSON

IS PERSONALLY DECIDING
WHETHER OR NOT

YOU CAN KEEP YOUR JOB!

IS THAT AWFUL ENOUGH
FOR YOU?

BOBBIE, DON'T LET IT
GET TO YOU.

DON'T LET IT GET TO ME?
DON'T LET IT GET TO ME?!

JERRY, IT'S
GOTTEN TO ME!

DON'T YOU SEE?

JERRY!

LOOK, YOU'VE GOT
HIM TO TALK TO.

IT'S JUST ME HERE.

ME AND THOSE
RELIGIOUS NUTS OUTSIDE!

I HAVE TO LEAVE
THE PHONE OFF THE HOOK

BECAUSE PEOPLE KEEP
CALLING UP

AND ASKING TO TALK
TO GOD!

EXCEPT, OF COURSE,
FOR THE GUY WHO OFFERED

TO CHEW ON MY PANTYHOSE!

BOBBIE.

TELEGRAMS,

NOTES IN THE MAILBOX,
IN THE DOORWAYS.

TODAY THEY EVEN PUT ONE
IN THE DOG'S MOUTH.

THIS IS FROM
THE UNIVERSITY.

I'VE BEEN INVITED TO APPEAR
BEFORE A THEOLOGY GROUP.

THEY WANT TO VERIFY
THE MIRACLE.

TERRIFIC!

IT IS!

THIS WILL GIVE ME
CREDIBILITY

AND GOD WILL GET
HIS WORD ACROSS.

IT'LL HELP ME
KEEP MY JOB.

MR. LANDERS,

IT IS THE CONSENSUS
OF THIS GROUP

THAT YOU ARE A PERSON
OF LITTLE OR NO

THEOLOGICAL KNOWLEDGE.

YOU HAVE DEMONSTRATED
OVER THE YEARS

AN ASTONISHING
LACK OF INTEREST

IN SPIRITUAL MATTERS.

YOU KNOW,

IT STRIKES ME--

AS ONE WHO HAS
ACTUALLY HEARD

HIS VOICE--
THAT YOU HAVE

VIRTUALLY NO
PREREQUISITES

TO MAKE DIRECT
CONTACT

WITH
THE ALMIGHTY

WHATSOEVER.

YOU'VE HEARD HIM?

HE HAS MADE HIS WORD
KNOWN TO ME.

WHAT WAS HE WEARING?

I KNOW HIS WORD THROUGH
THE SCRIPTURES.

IT WOULD BE BLASPHEMY
TO SUGGEST

THAT WE COULD
DESCRIBE THE CREATOR

IN HUMAN TERMS.

WHY?

IF HE CREATED US,

WHY WOULDN'T HE APPEAR
TO US AS...ONE OF US?

DON'T YOU SUG--

DON'T YOU, YOUNG MAN,

TRY TO TEACH
THIS ASSEMBLAGE

THE ROLE OF THE DEITY.

RABBI SILVERSTONE,

MY GOOD AND GREAT
FRIEND,

BROTHER IN THE WORK
OF THE LORD,

WITH WHOM WE HAVE
BROKE BREAD MANY TIMES,

IS A PILLAR

OF THE AMERICAN
JEW COMMUNITY!

BISHOP REARDON
REPRESENTS

MILLIONS
OF ROMAN CATHOLICS.

BISHOP MARCOS,

MULTITUDES OF GREEK
ORTHODOXERS!

AND WHILE WE HAVE

VIRTUALLY EVERY
RELIGIOUS PERSUASION

REPRESENTED HERE TODAY--

AND I, PERSONALLY,
HAVE BEEN CHOSEN

TO RENDER
THE BENEDICTION

AT THIS YEAR'S
SUPER BOWL!

MR. LANDERS,
WE REALLY FIND

INSUFFICIENT DOCUMENTATION
TO SUPPORT YOUR CLAIM.

BUT YOU'RE NOT SAYING
IT DIDN'T HAPPEN?

NO, WE ARE SAYING THERE'S
INSUFFICIENT DOCUMENTATION,

WHICH PUTS THE SCORE
AT GOD, 7...

YOU, ZIP!

WE HAVE DECIDED,
HOWEVER,

OUT OF A SENSE
OF FAIRNESS

AND ECCLESIASTICAL
CURIOSITY,

TO ALLOW YOU
TO PRESENT US

WITH CERTAIN
EVIDENCE.

WHAT EVIDENCE?

WE HAVE ASSEMBLED A SET
OF QUESTIONS...

FOR YOU TO ASK GOD.

THERE ARE 50 QUESTIONS.

50?

YOU WANT ME TO GET GOD
TO TAKE A QUIZ?

UNLESS YOU'VE BEEN CONCEALING
AN ABUNDANT KNOWLEDGE...

WHICH I FIND
HIGHLY DOUBTFUL.

THERE ARE QUESTIONS THERE

THAT YOU COULD NOT
POSSIBLY ANSWER.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW

WHEN OR IF HE'LL
EVER APPEAR AGAIN.

AS A CONTROL MEASURE,

YOU WILL REMAIN LOCKED
IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM, ALONE.

NOT EVEN MY WIFE?

OH, NO.
THERE WILL BE

NO OUTSIDE CALLS
WHATSOEVER.

YOU COULD, OF COURSE,
DECLINE.

BUT THEN, THAT WOULD FORM
THE BASIS OF OUR REPORT.

GOD!

[CHANGING RADIO STATIONS]

OOH!

GOD?

ROOM SERVICE.

BUENAS NOCHES,
SEÑOR.

JUST PUT IT RIGHT
AROUND OVER HERE, PLEASE.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

OH, YOU CAN'T COME IN.
I UNDERSTAND.

DO I NEED
TO SIGN THIS?

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

THEY FORGOT
THE KETCHUP.

COME IN!

HEY, THEY'RE
PLAYING OUR NUMBER.

$11 FOR A STEAK?

WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT?

WITH ME, COWS ARE
AN AFTER-THOUGHT.

JUST TO GIVE NEW MOTHERS
A LITTLE REST, YOU KNOW?

BOY, AM I GLAD
TO SEE YOU.

EAT. IT'LL GET COLD.

AH, PRETTY CUTE.

WHAT IS IT?

THEY MADE SURE
YOU COULDN'T ANSWER.

THE QUESTIONS ARE IN THE ANCIENT
TONGUE OF ARAMAIC.

IS THAT WHAT
THAT IS?

THEY'VE FIGURED OUT SO MANY
WAYS TO TALK TO EACH OTHER,

THAT FINALLY NOBODY CAN.

LET'S SEE...

"WHAT'S THE TRUE
ORIGIN OF THE UNIVERSE?

WHAT IS THE SOURCE
OF THE PLANET EARTH?"

IT'S A HISTORY FINAL,
RIGHT?

HA HA!

HUH. SO MANY REPEATS.

EAT THE STEAK
AND THEN GET A PEN.

HA HA HA HA!

"DID MAN FALL FROM GRACE
IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN?"

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING
NEVER CAME OUT.

I MADE ADAM 17.

EVE WAS 15, 16 TOPS.

I FIGURED THEN 16, 17
WAS MIDDLE AGE, YOU KNOW?

WHO KNEW PEOPLE
WOULD LIVE SO LONG?

TREES I FIGURED
HAD THE BEST CHANCE.

NOW I REALIZE
THEY WERE KIDS, BABIES.

YOUNG PEOPLE CAN'T
FALL FROM MY GRACE.

THEY'RE MY BEST THINGS.
PUT THAT DOWN.

"WHICH--"
WAIT.

OK.

"WHICH OF THE WORLD'S
RELIGIONS

IS THE CLOSEST
TO THE DIVINE TRUTH?"

THE DIVINE TRUTH
IS NOT IN A BUILDING

OR A BOOK OR A STORY.

PUT DOWN THAT THE HEART
IS THE TEMPLE

WHEREIN
ALL TRUTH RESIDES.

"IS JESUS CHRIST
THE SON OF GOD?"

JESUS WAS MY SON.

BUDDHA WAS MY SON.

MOHAMMED, MOSES, YOU,

THE MAN WHO SAID THERE
WAS NO ROOM IN THE INN

WAS MY SON.

AND SO IS THE ONE
WHO CHARGES $11 FOR STEAK.

LET'S MUSH ON.

WHAT WAS
THAT LAST QUESTION?

UH...

WILL THERE BE--

OH, YEAH. "WILL THERE BE
A JUDGMENT DAY FOR MAN?"

WELL, IF THEY MEAN
A DOOMSDAY,

AN END OF THE WORLD,

I'M CERTAINLY NOT GOING
TO GET INTO THAT.

BUT IF YOU WANT
MY PERSONAL OPINION,

I WOULDN'T LOOK
FORWARD TO IT.

THERE'LL BE A LOT
OF YELLING AND SCREAMING,

AND I DON'T NEED THAT
ANY MORE THAN YOU DO.

GOT THAT?

GOT IT.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING
OF MAN'S EXISTENCE?"

UH, LIFE IS LIKE
A GLASS OF TEA.

NO, NO. I BETTER
NOT GO FOR LAUGHS.

YOU KNOW, VOLTAIRE
MAY HAVE HAD ME PEGGED RIGHT--

HE SAID I WAS A COMEDIAN

PLAYING TO AN AUDIENCE
WHO WAS AFRAID TO LAUGH.

BUT SERIOUSLY,

PUT DOWN THAT MAN--
AND WOMEN PERSONS--

THEIR EXISTENCE MEANS
EXACTLY AND PRECISELY,

NOT MORE,
NOT ONE TINY BIT LESS,

JUST WHAT THEY THINK
IT MEANS,

AND WHAT I THINK
DOESN'T COUNT AT ALL.

THAT'S VERY PROFOUND.

SOMETIMES I GET LUCKY.

LAST QUESTION.

THANK GOD.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

"WHY HAVE YOU CHOSEN
TO APPEAR AT THIS TIME?"

YOU'VE ALREADY SAID.

WELL, MAYBE THEY WANT TO
HEAR IT IN YOUR OWN WORDS.

OH. I WANT TO SAY
TO EVERYONE

THAT EVERYTHING AROUND THEM

THAT THEY CAN SEE AND SMELL
AND FEEL AND HEAR,

THEY SHOULD DELIGHT
IN ALL THIS.

THAT WHAT IS HERE
ARE MY VERY BEST IDEAS,

AND I WANT EVERYONE
TO TRY VERY HARD TO MAKE SURE

IT DOESN'T ALL
GO DOWN THE DRAIN.

GIVE IT TO ME.
GIVE IT TO ME. I'LL DO IT.

CAN YOU REMEMBER
EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID?

I MEAN, IT WAS PERFECT.

BOY, THESE ANSWERS ARE
REALLY GOING TO GET THEM.

HEY, THAT'S
MY HANDWRITING.

IMAGINE THAT.

SHALL I CALL
THE PANEL

AND TELL THEM
I'M READY?

NEVER MIND THE PANEL.

YOU DELIVER THOSE PAPERS
TO REVEREND WILLIAMS--

THE ONE WHO LOOKS
LIKE A FOOTBALL PLAYER.

I DIDN'T LIKE HIM.

HE'S HAVING ONE OF HIS BIG DOS
AT THE SHRINE AUDITORIUM.

EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND,
HE'S SPREADING THE WORD--

MY WORD.

ONLY MY WORDS,
HE RAN OUT OF YEARS AGO.

I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH--

THE REASON I PUT EVERYBODY
HERE NAKED.

I WASN'T TRYING
TO BE CUTE,

I JUST DIDN'T WANT
TO CREATE CLOTHES.

WITH CLOTHES THERE'S
RIGHT AWAY POCKETS.

WITH POCKETS YOU GOTTA
PUT SOMETHING IN THEM. RIGHT?

YOU TAKE THESE ANSWERS

AND GIVE THEM TO
REVEREND BIG MOUTH

AND YOU SAY THAT GOD SAYS
HE'S A PHONY.

AND ALSO TELL HIM
IF HE WANTS TO GET RICH, FINE.

TELL HIM TO SELL EARTH SHOES.

BUT PERSONALLY TELL HIM
I'D LIKE HIM TO SHUT UP.

I'LL SEE YOU.

GOD?

YEAH?

THANK YOU.

HOPE I GET AN "A."

LOVE.

LET'S TALK ABOUT LOVE.

WHAT IS IT?

YOU CAN LOVE YOUR BROTHER,
CAN'T YOU?

YOU CAN LOVE YOUR WIFE
OR YOUR HUSBAND.

YOU CAN LOVE
YOUR NEW DRESS.

YOU CAN LOVE MY NEW CAR.

YOU CAN PASS
BY A PET SHOP

AND SAY, "I JUST LOVE

THAT LITTLE DOGGIE
IN THE WINDOW!"

YOU CAN LOVE THIS,
AND YOU CAN LOVE THAT.

BUT WHAT AM I
TALKING ABOUT?

SOME FOLKS SAY...

THAT LOVE IS WHAT THEY SAW
IN A PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIE...

BUT THAT IS LUST,
NOT LOVE.

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

NO!

IS THAT LOVE?

NO!

IS THAT WHAT
THE BIBLE TEACHES?

NO!

IS THAT WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT?

NO!

NO!

BECAUSE WHAT
I AM TALKING ABOUT

IS THE KIND OF LOVE

THAT CALLS
FOR A SACRIFICE.

ARE YOU WILLING TO MAKE
A SACRIFICE

TO SHOW GOD HOW MUCH
YOU LOVE HIM?

YES!

TO SHOW GOD
HOW YOU LOVE HIM

WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART
AND SOUL?

YES!

HOW DO WE LOVE GOD?
WITH ALL OUR...

HEARTS!

HOW DO WE LOVE GOD?
WITH ALL OUR...

SOULS!

IS THAT WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT? YES!

YES! AMEN, I SAY YES!

RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND
AND SAY AMEN!

AMEN!

SAY AMEN!

AMEN!

AMEN!

AMEN!

AMEN!

AND YOU CAN SHOW GOD
HOW YOU LOVE HIM

BY DIGGING DOWN DEEP

SO THAT THIS MINISTRY

WILL REACH ALL OF
THE PEOPLE OF THE EARTH!

BECAUSE THE BIBLE TELLS US,
SHOW GOD YOU LOVE HIM

AND HE WILL SHOW YOU
THE WAY!

NOW, I'M GOING TO ASK
ALL OF YOU TO COME UP.

THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVEN'T
COME UP BEFORE,

I'M GOING TO ASK YOU
TO COME UP FOR GOD.

SHAKE MY HAND...

AND LET GOD
SEE US TOGETHER.

BECAUSE THE BIBLE
TELLS US

THAT GOD KNOWS
THE FALLING OF A SPARROW

AND THE DEPTH
OF A POCKET!

AND THAT IS
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

AMEN!

COME UP, COME UP,
BROTHERS AND SISTERS,

AND PUT IN OUR HANDS

WHAT YOU WOULD PUT
IN GOD'S HANDS,

AND HE WILL HAVE
THE WHOLE WORLD

IN HIS HANDS!

[ORGAN MUSIC BEGINS]

* HE'S GOT
THE WHOLE WORLD *

* IN HIS HANDS *

* HE'S GOT
THE WHOLE WORLD *

* IN HIS HANDS *

* HE'S GOT
THE WHOLE WORLD *

* IN HIS HANDS... *

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

MAY THE LORD BLESS
AND KEEP YOU.

IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.

YOU CAN PUT THAT
RIGHT--YES.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOD BLESS YOU.

MAY THE LORD
ALWAYS HELP YOU.

IT'S SO GOOD
TO SEE YOU!

THANK YOU.
PLEASE KEEP MOVING.

REVEREND WILLIAMS...

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

THIS MAN IS KNOWN
TO ME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

GOD SENT ME TO YOU.

ONE MOMENT!

ONE MOMENT!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

BROTHERS AND SISTERS,

THIS IS THE YOUNG MAN

WHO HAS USED
SO MUCH ENERGY

TO CONVINCE EVERYONE
THAT HE HAS SEEN GOD!

[CROWD BOOING]

NOW WAIT! WAIT!

WOULD YOU REPEAT WHAT
YOU JUST SAID TO ME?

GOD--AHEM.

GOD SENT ME TO YOU.

GOD SENT HIM
TO ME!

ARE YOU CERTAIN
OF THAT?

YES, I JUST LEFT HIM.

HE WANTED ME TO GIVE
YOU THESE ANSWERS

TO ALL OF THOSE QUESTIONS.

GOD SPECIFIED ME?

YES, AND HE ALSO ASKED ME
TO TELL YOU

THAT HE'S VERY UNHAPPY.

GOD IS VERY UNHAPPY.

YES, HE'S UNHAPPY THAT
YOU'RE GETTING RICH THIS WAY

AND THAT HE'D LIKE YOU
TO STOP PRETENDING

THAT YOU'RE
SPREADING HIS WORD.

IN FACT, HE SUGGESTED
THAT YOU SELL SHOES!

JESSE!

WELL, THAT'S WHAT
HE SAID!

YOU'RE A FAKE,
AND HE KNOWS IT!

THIS POOR BOY IS ILL.

GET HIM OUT OF HERE!

WAIT! REVEREND WILLIAMS!

HELP ME OUT HERE!
HELP ME!

SLANDER, YOUR HONOR,

SLANDER, SURELY,
CRUEL AND FOUL.

THE REVEREND
WILLIE WILLIAMS

IS ON THE ROAD FOR GOD

TO THE TUNE OF
100,000 MILES A YEAR.

HE'S A TIRELESS,
SELFLESS SERVANT

OF THE LORD.

THE IDEA THAT HE'D LINE
HIS POCKETS

IN THIS PURSUIT
IS THE UNKINDEST CUT OF ALL!

NOT ONLY IS WILLIE WILLIAMS'
ORGANIZATION NON-PROFIT,

HE PERSONALLY PAYS
OVER 6 FIGURES

IN INCOME TAX EVERY YEAR.

GIVE HIM BACK HIS HONOR,
YOUR HONOR.

AWARD HIM
THE DAMAGES WE SEEK

FROM THIS...DEFENDANT...

A MAN SO OUT OF TOUCH
WITH REALITY,

HE EVEN TRIES
TO SMEAR THE GOOD NAME

OF A RELIGIOUS GIANT.

A MAN WHOM THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES

ONCE CALLED
"GOD'S OWN QUARTERBACK."

THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.

UH, MR. LANDERS,

WILL YOU COME
TO THE BENCH, PLEASE?

[THROUGH MICROPHONE]
YOU HAVEN'T...

YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED
YOUR MIND?

NO, SIR.

A PROFESSIONAL LAWYER
WOULD BE VERY HELPFUL.

THIS IS A TOUGH TIME
FOR YOU TO BE ALONE.

I WON'T BE ALONE,
SIR.

THEY'RE JUST GOING
TO KILL YOU TODAY, JERRY.

AH, WE'LL SEE.

WE'RE GOING TO LOSE

EVERYTHING
YOU'VE WORKED FOR.

ISN'T THERE ANY WAY
YOU CAN SAY YOU'RE SORRY,

THAT IT WAS ALL
A BIG MISTAKE?

NO...

BECAUSE I'M NOT,
AND IT WASN'T.

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT GOD WOULD SET ME UP

TO GET ME INTO
ALL THIS TROUBLE.

I HAVE TO BELIEVE
THAT HE HAD A REASON,

AND I HAVE TO BELIEVE
THAT HE'LL BAIL ME OUT.

AND ALL I WANT TO SAY
IS THAT YOUNG MAN...

IS OUT OF HIS MIND!

AND THE ABSOLUTE BEING,
THE ALL POWERFUL,

ALL KNOWING, ALL MERCIFUL
INFINITE SPIRIT,

THE SUPREME SOUL,

THE KING OF KINGS
AND LORD OF LORDS,

THE INFINITE,
EVERLASTING ETERNAL BEING

LAST CAME TO YOU HOW?

AS A BUSBOY.

[LAUGHTER]

[GAVEL BANGING]

YOUR HONOR,
I REST MY CASE.

YOU MAY STEP DOWN NOW,
MR. LANDERS.

CALL YOUR WITNESSES,
PLEASE, MR. LANDERS.

YES, YOUR HONOR.

I WOULD LIKE TO CALL
ONE WITNESS

AND ONE WITNESS
ONLY.

WELL, I'M WAITING,
MR. LANDERS.

YES.

YOUR HONOR, I WOULD LIKE
TO CALL TO THE STAND...

THE LORD GOD.

[SPECTATORS MURMURING]

I OBJECT.

THE DEFENDANT'S TRYING

TO MAKE A MOCKERY
OF THIS PROCEEDING.

YOUR HONOR, I WAS TRYING
TO MAKE A POINT.

WHAT POINT?

YOUR HONOR...

WHEN I JUST ASKED GOD
TO TAKE THE STAND,

IN THAT FLEETING MOMENT
AFTER I CALLED HIM,

WASN'T THERE A TRACE
OF EXPECTATION

IN YOUR MIND?

JUST A TRACE,
YOUR HONOR?

I MEAN, WASN'T THERE
A HESITATION

IN THIS ROOM?

DIDN'T YOU FEEL IT?

DIDN'T WE ALL
FEEL IT?

IT WAS THE POSSIBILITY
THAT GOD DOES EXIST.

AND IF HE EXISTS,

HE COULD MATERIALIZE AND
SIT RIGHT IN THAT CHAIR.

AND IN THAT MOMENT,
YOUR HONOR,

WHEN NO ONE IN THIS ROOM

KNEW WHAT WAS GOING
TO HAPPEN NEXT,

IN THAT FLASH OF AN INSTANT

LIES THE BENEFIT
OF THE DOUBT

THAT YOU MUST GIVE ME

TO KNOW THAT MY STORY
IS TRUE

AND THAT I SPOKE EXACTLY
AS GOD ASKED ME.

MR. LANDERS,
I CAUTIONED YOU EARLIER

THAT PROPER LEGAL
REPRESENTATION

WOULD BE HELPFUL.

I MUST NOW WARN YOU

THAT IN ADDITION
TO THE PLAINTIFF'S CHARGES,

I'M SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING
CITING YOU WITH CONTEMPT...

AMEN.

...FOR WHAT YOU THOUGHT
WAS A VERY CLEVER STUNT.

NOW, YOU'RE GETTING DEEPER
AND DEEPER INTO TROUBLE

WITH THIS COURT, MR. LANDERS.

EXCUSE ME, YOUR HONOR.

IT'S HIM.

BOBBIE, IT'S HIM.

THIS IS MOST IRREGULAR.

YOUR HONOR,
HE'S--

I'LL TAKE IT
FROM HERE.

MAY I ASK WHO
YOU ARE, SIR?

YOU BETTER SWEAR ME IN.
YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE IT.

DO YOU SWEAR
TO TELL THE TRUTH,

THE WHOLE TRUTH,
AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH?

SO HELP ME, ME.

SO HELP YOU,
YOU?

IF IT PLEASES
THE COURT,

AND EVEN IF IT
DOESN'T PLEASE THE COURT,

I'M GOD, YOUR HONOR.

[SNICKERING]

ORDER IN THE COURT.

YOUR HONOR, I'D LIKE
PERMISSION

TO QUESTION
THIS WITNESS.

SIT DOWN, SONNY.

I'VE ANSWERED
ENOUGH QUESTIONS.

HE SAW ME.
JUST LIKE HE SAID.

EACH WORD TRUE.

IF THE MAN TRIED
TO TELL A LIE,

HIS TONGUE WOULD
SNAP OFF.

WHICH I WOULDN'T SAY
I CAN SAY ABOUT EVERYBODY.

WHY IS IT SO HARD
FOR YOU TO BELIEVE?

IS MY PHYSICAL EXISTENCE

ANY MORE IMPROBABLE
THAN YOUR OWN?

WHAT ABOUT
ALL THAT HOO-HAH

WITH THE DEVIL A WHILE AGO
FROM THAT MOVIE?

NOBODY HAD ANY TROUBLE
BELIEVING THAT THE DEVIL

TOOK OVER AND EXISTED
IN THE LITTLE GIRL.

ALL SHE HAD TO DO
WAS WAS WET THE RUG,

THROW UP SOME PEA SOUP,
AND EVERYBODY BELIEVED.

THE DEVIL YOU COULD BELIEVE,
BUT NOT GOD, HUH?

I WORK IN MY OWN WAY.

I DON'T GET INSIDE
LITTLE CHILDREN.

THEY GOT ENOUGH TO DO
JUST BEING THEMSELVES.

ALSO, I'M NOT ABOUT TO GO
AROUND TO EVERY PERSON

IN THE WORLD AND SAY,

"LOOK, IT'S ME.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU."

SO I PICKED ONE MAN.

ONE VERY GOOD MAN.

I TOLD HIM GOD LIVES.

I LIVE.

HE HAD TROUBLE
BELIEVING, TOO...

IN THE BEGINNING.

I UNDERSTOOD.

I'M NOT SURE HOW THIS WHOLE
MIRACLE BUSINESS STARTED,

THE IDEA THAT ANYTHING
CONNECTED WITH ME

HAS TO BE A MIRACLE.

PERSONALLY,
I'M SORRY THAT IT DID.

IT MAKES THE DISTANCE
BETWEEN US EVEN GREATER.

BUT IF A MIRACLE
HELPS YOU BELIEVE

THAT I AM
WHO I SAY I AM...

I'LL GIVE YOU ONE.

A GOOD ONE.

LET ME SEE,

WHAT'S MY MOST IMPRESSIVE
MIRACLE?

AH.

PICK A CARD.

UH, WHAT?

PICK A CARD.
ANY CARD.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU
THINK YOU'RE DOING.

A CUTE LITTLE MIRACLE.
GO AHEAD, PICK ONE.

WELL, THERE ARE
NO CARDS THERE.

LOOK AGAIN.

OH.

OH, COME ON, NOW.

THERE'S NOTHING
MIRACULOUS

ABOUT
GOOD SLIGHT-OF-HAND.

HAVE YOU EVER
SEEN THIS ONE?

WELL, YES. YES.

I'VE SEEN THEM
MAKE CARDS APPEAR

AND DISAPPEAR.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I ONCE SAW A MAGICIAN

MAKE AN ELEPHANT
DISAPPEAR.

GOOD.

NOW I'LL SHOW YOU ONE
THAT YOU HAVEN'T SEEN.

[SHOES SQUEAKING]

I'VE GOT TO GET
THESE SHOES FIXED.

WATCH THIS, YOUR HONOR.

[SHOES STILL SQUEAKING]

I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS
IN THESE TIMES TO HAVE FAITH.

BUT MAYBE IF YOU COULD HAVE
THE FAITH TO START WITH,

MAYBE THE TIMES
WOULD CHANGE.

YOU COULD CHANGE THEM.

THINK ABOUT IT.

TRY.

AND TRY NOT TO
HURT EACH OTHER.

THERE'S BEEN ENOUGH
OF THAT.

IT REALLY GETS
IN THE WAY.

I'M A GOD
OF VERY FEW WORDS

AND JERRY'S ALREADY
GIVEN YOU MINE.

HOWEVER HOPELESS,
HELPLESS,

MIXED-UP, AND SCARY
IT ALL GETS,

IT CAN WORK.

IF YOU FIND IT HARD
TO BELIEVE IN ME,

MAYBE IT WOULD HELP YOU

TO KNOW
THAT I BELIEVE IN YOU.

YOUR HONOR,
I REST MY CASE.

YOUR HONOR.

[WHISPERING]

THIS, UH...

THIS COURT
IS NOW RECESSED.

[BANGS GAVEL]

MAY I SEE BOTH PARTIES
IN MY CHAMBERS, PLEASE?

DO YOU SWEAR
TO TELL THE TRUTH,

THE WHOLE TRUTH,

AND NOTHING
BUT THE TRUTH?

SO HELP YOU, YOU?

WHERE'S--

SHH, SHH.

[LAUGHTER]

ORDER IN THE COURT.

YOUR HONOR, I'D LIKE
PERMISSION

TO QUESTION
THIS WITNESS.

THAT'S ALL THERE IS.

NOT ONE WORD OF
WHAT I ASSUME

WE ALL ASSUME
WE HEARD.

SOMEONE MUST
HAVE ERASED IT.

NOBODY ERASES
TAPES ANYMORE.

WELL, THEN,
THE MACHINE...

NO. NOT A THING
WRONG WITH IT.

HE SAID HE COULDN'T
BE RECORDED.

GOD.

WHEN HE FIRST
SPOKE TO ME,

HE SAID IT WASN'T
HIS REAL VOICE I HEARD.

HE SAID HE WAS JUST USING
ONE THAT I COULD UNDERSTAND.

HE DID IT AGAIN TODAY.

AND THERE'S
NOTHING WRONG

WITH YOUR STENOTYPE
MACHINE?

IT TOOK DOWN
EVERY WORD,

YOUR HONOR,
EXCEPT NOW,

SOME OF THEM

ARE NOT
ON THE PAPER.

DON'T YOU SEE?

HE WANTS US ALL
TO DECIDE FOR OURSELVES

WHETHER OR NOT
WE SAW HIM AND HEARD HIM.

IT'S WHAT HE ALWAYS SAID.
EVERYTHING IS UP TO US.

NO, NO!

THERE IS NO PROOF
WHATSOEVER

THAT GOD WAS IN
THAT COURTROOM TODAY!

NO. NONE WHATSOEVER.

WE SAW HIM!
WE HEARD HIM!

WE DID.

HE MADE HIMSELF
AND THE CARDS DISAPPEAR!

WE SAW IT.

ON THE BASIS

OF OUR COMMON EXPERIENCE
HERE TODAY,

I CAN SEE WHY
YOU FIRST CLAIMED

AND LATER MAINTAINED
THAT YOU HAD SEEN

AND BEEN IN THE ACTUAL
PRESENCE OF, UH...

OF GOD.

AND FOR THAT REASON, UH,

YOUR REMARKS
TO THE REVEREND WILLIAMS

COULD BE REGARDED
AS A DIVINE ASSIGNMENT.

I SHALL RULE, THEREFORE,

THAT THE CHARGE
OF SLANDER BE DISMISSED.

SAM!

NOW, IF, AS YOU
ALSO CLAIM,

IT IS GOD'S OPINION

THAT WE SHOULD ALL
MAKE OUR OWN DECISIONS

AND ABIDE BY THEM
ACCORDINGLY,

THEN I MUST ALSO RULE

THAT ON THE BASIS
OF THE EVIDENCE,

OR, UH...

OR RATHER THE, UM,
THE LACK OF IT,

THAT AS MUCH AS
WE ALL MAY THINK

THAT WHAT WE SAW HERE
TODAY WAS REAL,

GOD DID NOT, IN FACT,

APPEAR HERE BEFORE US.

YOU MAY, OF COURSE,

APPEAL
TO A HIGHER COURT.

WE HEARD FROM
THE HIGHEST COURT.

THANK YOU.

GOOD-BYE, MR. SLAVICK.

OH, JER...

WE'LL SEND YOU
YOUR PICTURE.

OH. WOULD YOU DO THAT?

OH, SURE.
THANK YOU.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

[RING]

[RING]

[RING]

[RING]

[RING]

[RING]

HELLO?

WHERE ARE YOU?

TURN AROUND.

WELL?

HOW DO YOU
LIKE IT?

I'M GOING
ON A TRIP

TO SPEND
A LITTLE TIME

WITH ANIMALS.

I LIKE ANIMALS,

AND SOMETIMES
I DON'T SPEND

ENOUGH TIME
WITH THEM.

WE FAILED, DIDN'T WE?

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING?

WE DID TERRIFIC.

I GAVE A MESSAGE
OF ENCOURAGEMENT,

YOU PASSED IT ALONG.

NOW WE'LL SEE.

YOU DID GOOD.

WE BOTH DID GOOD.
WE'RE COVERED.

YOU THINK ANYBODY
GOT THE MESSAGE?

DO YOU THINK WE HAVE
ENOUGH APPLES

IN THE WORLD?

APPLES?

WE GOT ALL
THE APPLES WE NEED.

YOU'RE
JOHNNY APPLESEED.

YOU DROP A FEW SEEDS
AND YOU MOVE ON.

IF THE SEEDS ARE GOOD,
THEY'LL TAKE ROOT.

I GAVE YOU GREAT SEEDS.
THE BEST.

I LOST MY JOB,
YOU KNOW.

THERE ARE OTHER CITIES,
OTHER SUPERMARKETS.

EVERYBODY THINKS
I'M A NUT.

GALILEO, PASTEUR,

EINSTEIN, COLUMBUS...

YOU'RE IN GOOD COMPANY.

HOLD ON.

WELL, I BETTER BE GOING.

UH, AREN'T
YOU COMING BACK?

NO.

EVER?

WHEN "EVER" COMES,
WE'LL SEE.

UH, SOMETIMES, UH...

NOW AND THEN...

COULDN'T WE JUST TALK?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

YOU TALK, I'LL LISTEN.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
--www.ncicap.org--

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