All language subtitles for kirstie-_season_01_-_episode_07___57695b2150d4d

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"Kirstie" is taped
before a live studio audience.

What are you doing
in Arlo's room?

Uh, you forget, this used to be
my wrapping room,

and I have
to wrap something.

- What?
- My date's penis.

I'm looking
for a spare condom, okay?

Didn't we just get you
a case a few weeks ago?

What do you want from me?
I gave up gluten.

- What's going on in here?
- We're looking for something.

Oh.
Well, here, let me help.

Well, it's not in there.

What are we
looking for, anyway?

- Hey.
- Oh, Arlo, you're home.

What happened
to my pillow?

Well, you see, a gentleman
caller stopped by and...

Blanche Dubois
was looking for a rubber.

Oh. So a condom, huh?

Uh, well,
let's see here.

Nope,
guess I'm fresh out.

Been on a bit
of a booty bender lately.

Oh, my God,
you haven't had sex, have you?

What?

Where'd you get that?

Because no one who's had sex
calls it "booty bender."

Nor does their voice go up
six octaves.

Your kid's a virgin.

Doesn't get
more ironic than that.

But, Arlo, you want
to do it, right?

No, I prefer to stay
a misunderstood loner.

No, of course
I want to do it.

I just get really shy
and awkward around girls.

Oh. We're more alike
than I thought.

There's many times that I've gotten shy
and awkward around the opposite sex.

Hey, Maddie, you ready to go?
I'm locked and loaded.

Aye, aye, Captain.

She's just not shy and awkward
during fleet week.

Season 1, Episode 7
"Like a Virgin"

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Thelma, you know
I sign my own autographs.

26 years old
and still a virgin.

The Elephant Man
lost it before that.

Come on,
lots of guys his age

have waited to...
how do I put this delicately?

Bury their salami
in a lady sandwich.

Remind me not to have
salami for lunch.

So how old were you when you
went to your first deli?

24 and change.

Wow, why'd you wait
so long?

Well, I planned on waiting forever.
I was in Seminary.

But I took this trip to Vegas
to spread the gospel when I met her.

Chesty Volpone.

She was a showgirl,
you know?

Not to be confused with
Chesty Volpone, the poet laureate.

Anyway, after a couple glasses
of the blessed grape,

she pulled me under
the all-you-could-eat buffet,

and, boy, did I.

Wow, 24.

Oh, I take it
you were a tad younger?

Uh, a tad.

I just turned 16.
I was doing summer stock.

The show was
Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

I did six of 'em.

My next show
was 12 Angry Men.

I almost ended up
in the hospital.

♪ Good evening,
one and all ♪

Hi, Brittany.

Maddie, I brought you
some tea.

I noticed you looked a little
peaked after the matinee.

Are you sure you're okay
to go on tonight?

You're not going on for me,
Brittany.

Of course not,
you little trouper.

You can still have the tea
if you want.

You're trying to drug me
again, aren't you?

♪ Good-bye,
one and all ♪

Bye, Brittany.

This Arlo thing
is all my fault.

If I had raised him, he would've lost
it to a teacher, like a normal kid.

I have missed so many
milestones in his life.

Well, there's nothing
you can do about this one.

You can't help him
lose his virginity.

I really, really,
really hope.

How about if I take the kid out
tonight while you're doing the show?

I'll be his wingman. You know,
all he needs is a little confidence.

That's a great idea.

And, Frank,
do not get him a hooker.

And if you do, and I find out,
you've got to let me reimburse you.

You.

- You come here a lot?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm a regular.

- Hey, Smokey, the usual.
- Banana daiquiri with an umbrella.

Yeah, yeah.
And one for the kid.

And throw in one of those little
plastic swords if you got one.

So, Arlo, you know,
this whole virgin thing.

I mean, you've done some stuff
with a girl, right?

Man, is this why you
asked me out for a drink?

No, no, no.
Yes.

So have you
ever done this?

Draw a stick figure with an erection?
Not since third grade.

Well, now,
don't sass me, boy.

I'm just trying to help you
find someone.

Oh, yeah.

Who feels like fightin'?

Frank, Frank,
Frank, Frank.

Listen, I know
you're just trying to help,

but I really don't think
that this is the type of place

where I'm gonna
meet someone.

Why not? I mean,
there are some nice women here.

Nice, sad, drunk,
desperate women.

Hey, yo,
you like my friend here?

- Not really.
- Oh, okay.

Well, you just keep
drinking, lady,

'cause we're gonna
catch up with you later.

- Okay, I'm just gonna call it a night.
- No, no. We just got here.

Look, if you're not good
at approaching women,

we're gonna get them
to approach you.

- How?
- You see that mechanical bull?

Two minutes on that, and
the ladies will be a-flockin'!

I'm not getting on
that thing. I'll kill myself.

- Watch, I'm gonna go first.
- You know how to ride that?

Do I know
how to ride that?

Guess we'll find out.

Frank, are you okay?

Never better.

Who's Frank?

Look, it's me!

- Have a good show tonight.
- You too, Jeffrey.

And since we're on the subject,
you know what makes for a bad show?

You upstaging me,
like you've been doing

during my monologue
for the last three nights.

I'm sorry, Jeffrey.
I'll be careful not to do that.

That's it?
No throwing lipstick?

No telling me
to shove anything?

- What's the matter, Maddie?
- I'm fine. Nothing's wrong.

Maddie, I am not only your co-star
and de facto acting teacher.

I am a friend.
You can share anything with me.

Well, I've been having
this problem with Arlo.

Well, sounds like
you got a real handle on it.

Oh, and during my monologue,
quiet as a church mouse.

Jeffrey!

I didn't happen to leave
a pair of my panties

in your dressing room
last night?

- No.
- Maybe tomorrow night.

Oh, uh, Brittany, could you come
in my dressing room for a minute?

I'm here. I'm here.
I'm ready. I can go on.

- No, I don't need you to go on, Brittany.
- Oh, of course not.

Oh, you never miss
a performance.

You're like that old plow horse
that refuses to roll over and die.

So why'd you
want to see me?

Actually, I wanted
to ask you a favor.

You've given pleasure to pretty
much every straight chorus boy

from Phantom to
Mamma Mia!, right?

How dare you?

There are no straight
chorus boys in Mamma Mia!

My point is, I know
you're generous with your love,

and... oh...

I can't even believe
I'm asking you this.

- Could you ever consider...
- Hang on, sister.

I don't do
girl-on-girl anymore.

That was a one-time deal, 'cause
I really wanted to be in Pippin.

No, it's not for me.
It's for my son.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

I was hoping that you might be able
to help him lose his virginity.

- Gross! What kind of person...
- And then I would let you go on for me.

What would I be if I didn't
do a favor for my buddy?

Okay. So tell me, what's he into?
Kink? S&M? Rough trade?

No, no, no, no.
Don't... don't scar him.

It's his first time.

Just give him something
off the kids' menu.

Got it.

So when do I get
to go on for you?

- Um, Wednesday matinee.
- Saturday night.

- Thursday night.
- Saturday night.

- Friday night.
- By the way, is your kid hot?

Saturday night.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know
anyone else was in here.

Yeah, I'm just waiting
for my mother.

Oh, you must be
Maddie's boy.

She didn't tell me
how ruggedly handsome you are.

Wow, you're what I like to call
Friday night

and Saturday night
handsome.

Thanks. I've never heard
that phrase before.

I'm Brittany.

Your mother didn't feel well after
the matinee, so she went home.

I'm going on for her
tonight.

I guess I should
get going then.

Where's the fire,
fireman?

You know, sometimes I get a little
nervous before a performance

and need help
relieving the tension.

- Know what I mean?
- Not really.

Seriously?

Oh, ow, ow.

I-I think I pulled
a muscle in my thigh.

Got any lotion?

I think I have some sunblock
in my fanny pack.

Don't speak. Just unzip me.
I need help trying on my costumes.

Oh, there's a boob!

Are you trying
to seduce me?

Yes, but you're not
making it very easy.

I could get Neil Patrick Harris
in bed faster than you.

Hey, any sign
of Arlo yet?

Not yet. I think Operation Cherry Buster
might be working.

- And you're welcome.
- For what?

It was my idea
to use my understudy.

You obviously came up empty
at the bar.

I gave him confidence.
I loosened up the jar.

Not to mention my hip.

Oh, brownies.

Ah-ah-ah, not for you.
These are medicinal.

They're for my hip.

So you're definitely not
going in tonight, right?

Because once I bite
into one of these,

the only thing I'm driving
is the psychedelic express.

Knock yourself out.

I'm gonna go lock the terrace door
in case you try to fly again.

Frank, my man!
How's my bud?

Good, good.
How's it going with you?

I had
the most awesome afternoon.

I met this incredible girl,
and we seriously hit it off.

Twice,
if you know what I mean.

I had sex with her twice.

Once, and then again.

I get it, I get it.
Congratulations.

- You got a girl.
- No. No, Frank.

Not just a girl...
an angel.

I'm telling you, man.
She's the one. I'm in love.

Love?

- Oh, can I have one?
- Nuh-uh! Only with a prescription!

Jeffrey, it's me.

I'm so sorry I had
to call in sick tonight.

Oh, you're not here?
I thought I saw you.

Oh, wait, that was just
moose the stagehand.

Yeah, that's right.
I'm not there.

Brittany's going on
for me tonight.

I hope you have
all your shots.

Maddie, Maddie, Maddie!
We have trouble.

What's wrong?

Well, Arlo... he came home, and
he did it with that Brittany girl.

Yes!

My little boy's a man.

And it's all because of me.

I cannot believe
you went through with this.

You've actually hit
a new low.

A mother wouldn't even do this
on Game of Thrones.

Will you listen to me?

They didn't just do the deed.
Arlo... he thinks he's in love with her.

What?

And he thinks that Brittany
is in love with him.

- Well, why would he think that?
- Because apparently, she told him that.

What? That isn't
the deal we made.

I told that skank
to give my son a quickie.

Tell me again how you didn't
get the cover of Redbook.

Frank, get the car.

- We're going to the theater!
- Sure.

You know, we better hurry
before these things take effect.

You know what?

We better hurry
before these things take effect.

I don't have
a green thumb.

I was lucky enough
to get a green card.

- Maddie! What are you doing here?
- Deal's off, bitch!

- You're not going on!
- What? Why?

Because you told my son
you loved him!

The poor kid's at home right now,
making plans for your future.

Oh, so maybe I improvised
a bit in the heat of the moment.

I don't just phone in
my performance like some people!

There's a knock.
Is there someone at the door?

There's my cue.

Owen Winchester.
As I live and breathe!

Elizabeth?
My God, what's it been?

- 15 years?
- Oh, don't look at me.

I must look a wreck
after my travel.

Let me just powder my nose.

I believe this reunion
calls for a drink.

What do you say?

Still partial
to apple Brandy?

You remember.

I can't believe it, Elizabeth.
You haven't changed...

A bit.

I'm dying to catch up,
Owen.

Let me just tell my driver
to put my luggage in my room.

I believe Victoria has put us
in adjoining bedrooms.

I trust that
won't be a problem.

Perhaps aunt Vicki is
hoping to rekindle something.

Something that is long gone.

Then, would a dear friend
care to go on the balcony

and reminisce
about old times?

Of course. Tell me
what you've been up to.

I want to hear everything.

- Well, once we parted ways...
- Aah!

I decided to lick
my wounds in Europe,

and one afternoon
in Parc de Bercy,

I heard a familiar laugh.

I turned,
and it was Catherine.

Can you imagine?
5,000 miles from home.

Of all the arrondissements,
she had to pick Le douzieme.

- So you're really leaving?
- For three years?

Maybe even longer.

- I don't understand.
- I'm as shocked as you are.

But how often does one
get the opportunity

to play children's theater
in Alaska?

I don't know how to tell you this,
Brittany, but I can't go with you.

- I'm just getting my life started here.
- Oh, thank God.

I mean, thank God we'll always have
that magical afternoon to remember.

I had so many plans for us, but it seems
like we'll only have time

for one last kiss
good-bye.

Or better yet, what if
our last kiss were...

A fist bump?

♪ Good-bye,
one and all ♪

I can't believe
she's gone.

Oh, I know.
It hurts.

But you never forget
your first love.

- Who was yours?
- No idea.

Hey.
Arlo's still not up?

Hope he didn't lie awake
all night, pining over Brittany.

Yeah, that little
half-pint tramp.

She served her purpose, but I'm sure
he's not thinking about her anymore.

Nah. It's hard to stop
thinking about your first.

I still dream
about Chesty Volpone.

Well, why don't you
try and track her down?

- You used to be a detective.
- Yeah, until I lost my license.

What'd you do?
Ruffle some feathers?

Blow the whistle
on the corrupt chief?

No, I literally forgot
to renew my license.

But you're right. I should see
if I can track her down.

Now, to put
my detective hat on.

Yeah, in Las Vegas, connect me
to the Golden Nugget.

Now, I know this is gonna sound
crazy, but about 37 years ago,

you had a showgirl
named Chesty Volpone.

Yeah, I'll hold.

- She still works there.
- Get out.

Bet they call her
Droopy Volpone by now.

My God. I bet she has
enormous benefits.

Hello, Chesty.

Yeah, I'm sure you don't know
who this is, but... yeah!

It's Frank.

What? No, I didn't say
I was gonna call you.

No, I didn't.
No, I didn't.

All right, now,
calm down.

There's no need to use language
like that, Chesty.

No, you shove it!
You shove it!

Man, I should've married
that girl.

Morning.

Oh, hi, sweetie.
How you doing?

I'm doing fine.

Hey, Arlo, I just want you to know,
it's really tough, losing someone.

Yeah, even harder
moving forward,

especially when
it's your first time.

But you know what? There will be
other girls, and in time...

Hey, Arlo?
Thanks for last night.

Call me?

Uh, definitely.
I'll walk you out.

Well, I see clearly
that he has a type.

Dirty little whores.

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