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- ♪ MTV ♪
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00:20:29,020 --> 00:20:30,530
[sleigh bells jingling]
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00:20:30,530 --> 00:20:32,460
[gentle music]
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00:20:32,460 --> 00:20:36,200
- Dear heavenly Father,
Jim Dangle is a good fella.
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00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,400
Please look after him tonight.
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00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:41,670
- Lord, please look after
the lieutenant tonight.
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00:20:41,670 --> 00:20:43,710
He's in a tough spot.
8
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:47,710
- God, please,
when will I get my period?
9
00:20:47,710 --> 00:20:49,180
Oh, and if you get a minute,
10
00:20:49,180 --> 00:20:50,780
could you look after
my friend Jim Dangle?
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He looks like
he's kind of losing it.
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00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:56,390
♪ ♪
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00:20:56,390 --> 00:20:59,350
- [sobbing]
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Oh, Lord.
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00:21:01,620 --> 00:21:03,060
What a year!
16
00:21:03,060 --> 00:21:04,660
I got weasel pox
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00:21:04,660 --> 00:21:08,030
and then I got
rebound weasel pox,
18
00:21:08,030 --> 00:21:11,430
and then I bought
all that cryptocurrency
19
00:21:11,430 --> 00:21:14,840
because of that excellent
commercial with Matt Damon.
20
00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:17,770
And then I finally got that
21
00:21:17,770 --> 00:21:19,980
Alanis Morissette tramp stamp
that I wanted,
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00:21:19,980 --> 00:21:22,010
and the guy spelled it...
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so close, but not--
not exactly right.
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00:21:25,980 --> 00:21:28,050
[bicycle bell dinging]
25
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Oh, hey, sir?
26
00:21:29,350 --> 00:21:30,950
Please don't
fuck my bicycle.
27
00:21:30,950 --> 00:21:32,690
That's my bike
that you're fucking, sir.
28
00:21:32,690 --> 00:21:34,560
Hey, sir? Sir?
29
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:36,020
OK, guess what?
30
00:21:36,020 --> 00:21:38,830
Joke's on you, that bike seat
has weasel pox on it.
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00:21:38,830 --> 00:21:40,830
Oh, Lord.
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00:21:40,830 --> 00:21:43,770
If there was ever
a Christmas angel out there,
33
00:21:43,770 --> 00:21:45,330
I sure could use one tonight.
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00:21:45,330 --> 00:21:48,540
[angelic singing]
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♪ ♪
36
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,070
- Bee!
- Ahh! Oh, my God!
37
00:21:52,070 --> 00:21:53,240
Terry?
38
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:54,510
- No, it's a Christmas angel.
39
00:21:54,510 --> 00:21:56,910
- It's Terry
as a Christmas angel.
40
00:21:56,910 --> 00:21:58,050
- Yeah, that's my name.
41
00:21:58,050 --> 00:21:59,380
- You got new skates.
- Yeah.
42
00:21:59,380 --> 00:22:00,720
- You put mistletoe on your--
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00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:02,120
- On my gennies.
44
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:04,190
All the elves gather around,
and then they rub it
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00:22:04,190 --> 00:22:05,590
and then I make a candy cane
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00:22:05,590 --> 00:22:07,360
and then snow comes out
in their face.
47
00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:08,590
- Terry.
- What?
48
00:22:08,590 --> 00:22:10,830
- I'm just having
the worst year ever.
49
00:22:10,830 --> 00:22:12,160
I hate to say this,
50
00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:13,430
but wouldn't
the world be better
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if maybe I'd just
never been born?
52
00:22:15,330 --> 00:22:17,530
- [gasps] How can you say that?
53
00:22:17,530 --> 00:22:19,600
- I just did, with my mouth,
out into your face.
54
00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:21,800
- Lieutenant Dangle, do you
want to see what Reno would
55
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be like if you were never born?
56
00:22:24,110 --> 00:22:25,310
- Show me, Terry.
57
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What do I have to do?
58
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- It's real simple.
59
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Just hold on
to my jingle berries.
60
00:22:30,210 --> 00:22:31,750
- Is this a--your trick--
no, this is a trick.
61
00:22:31,750 --> 00:22:33,120
- No, it's not.
62
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- OK.
63
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Where there's a will,
there's a way.
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[ethereal harp music]
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- Oh, my gosh.
66
00:22:41,060 --> 00:22:42,960
- Is that--no!
67
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- Yes.
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[gentle glass harp music
playing]
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[wild cheering]
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♪ ♪
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- Trudy?
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- [whispering] Yes.
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- She's incomparable.
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♪ ♪
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- Trudy!
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- No, she can't hear you.
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Remember, you were never born.
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00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:11,390
♪ ♪
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- Is that Rizzo?
Rizzo!
80
00:23:13,590 --> 00:23:14,990
Rizzo, It's Jim!
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00:23:14,990 --> 00:23:16,020
- He can't hear you.
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- Oh, right.
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[music intensifies]
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[wild cheering]
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♪ ♪
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- Not on my watch.
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[grunts]
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- [screams]
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- Go!
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Yeah!
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00:23:32,340 --> 00:23:35,280
[cheers and applause]
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[microphone feedback]
- Thank you, everyone!
93
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My name is Trudy Wiegel.
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I love each
and every one of you!
95
00:23:40,780 --> 00:23:42,720
[steam hisses]
96
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:46,920
- Let's see what Jones
is like if you were never born.
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00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:49,320
- [fading out] Show me no more!
98
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Show me no--
[ethereal harp music]
99
00:23:51,860 --> 00:23:54,230
[indistinct chatter]
100
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Holy snot.
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00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:59,500
[cheers and applause]
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[inspiring music]
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♪ ♪
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Jones is the mother-effing
Sunday front-of-house manager
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00:24:09,610 --> 00:24:12,750
at the mother-effing
Melting Crock?
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00:24:14,150 --> 00:24:15,820
- Oh, yeah.
- My God.
107
00:24:15,820 --> 00:24:19,650
♪ ♪
108
00:24:19,650 --> 00:24:21,760
- Hot-cha.
109
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:24,730
♪ ♪
110
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- Yeah.
111
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- Oh, my God.
They love him so much.
112
00:24:28,030 --> 00:24:29,200
- He's worshipped.
113
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- All right, let's fon-do this!
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[laughter]
115
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- Where? Why?
116
00:24:35,970 --> 00:24:37,940
Is that Kimball?
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- I would do literally anything
if you would get us a table
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sooner than 45 minutes.
119
00:24:44,010 --> 00:24:47,880
- Well, maybe I can accommodate
you and your little pussy.
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- Oh, there isn't a cat
in this cat carrier.
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There's a snake.
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And I have a doctor's note
that says I'm allowed
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to bring it into restaurants.
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[pager beeps, buzzes]
[gasps]
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00:24:59,830 --> 00:25:02,060
- Table's ready.
126
00:25:02,060 --> 00:25:04,830
- Boy, it sure is.
127
00:25:04,830 --> 00:25:09,040
- Kimball's hot,
and she owns a snake?
128
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:10,740
- Yes.
129
00:25:10,740 --> 00:25:12,610
See, this is what
their lives are like
130
00:25:12,610 --> 00:25:14,780
if you were never born
and fucked everything up!
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00:25:14,780 --> 00:25:15,880
- No.
132
00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:17,050
No!
133
00:25:17,050 --> 00:25:18,350
Terry, don't show me any more.
134
00:25:18,350 --> 00:25:20,080
- Wait till we see Clemmy.
- No!
135
00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:21,380
- And this time--
- No!
136
00:25:21,380 --> 00:25:23,950
- Brace yourself.
- No.
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00:25:23,950 --> 00:25:25,220
[vocalizing]
138
00:25:25,220 --> 00:25:28,020
- [fading out] No!
139
00:25:28,020 --> 00:25:29,590
No.
140
00:25:29,590 --> 00:25:30,630
No!
141
00:25:30,630 --> 00:25:33,190
[somber organ music]
142
00:25:33,190 --> 00:25:34,460
Terry, no!
143
00:25:34,460 --> 00:25:35,800
Not Clementine!
144
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:36,970
- It's real!
145
00:25:36,970 --> 00:25:38,770
- She was the only
photogenic one!
146
00:25:38,770 --> 00:25:41,640
And she also owes me $1,500
for spray tan sessions
147
00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:43,310
that we were going to split,
and then she was like,
148
00:25:43,310 --> 00:25:44,440
I'll use half and you use half.
149
00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:45,970
No, Terry, no!
150
00:25:45,970 --> 00:25:47,080
- Yes, look at her.
151
00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:48,680
- [gasps]
152
00:25:49,510 --> 00:25:52,510
- And that's how elegant
you would look in this,
153
00:25:52,510 --> 00:25:54,750
the Cadillac of all coffins.
154
00:25:54,750 --> 00:25:57,820
Did I mention it has Bluetooth
in case you're buried alive
155
00:25:57,820 --> 00:25:59,550
and want to talk
to someone about it,
156
00:25:59,550 --> 00:26:01,260
or listen to a podcast?
157
00:26:01,260 --> 00:26:02,490
- Hi, Clemmy!
158
00:26:02,490 --> 00:26:03,760
- She can't hear you, remember?
159
00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:05,890
I've told you that.
- Sounds expensive.
160
00:26:05,890 --> 00:26:08,730
- Maybe you've seen
my brand new Suzuki Outback
161
00:26:08,730 --> 00:26:11,030
with optional roof rack
outside.
162
00:26:11,030 --> 00:26:12,400
- You're rich, bitch.
163
00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:14,900
- I'm the best coffin salesman
in the Sierras.
164
00:26:14,900 --> 00:26:16,370
- I know that's right.
165
00:26:16,370 --> 00:26:20,080
For some reason,
all my husbands keep dying.
166
00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:21,380
Wah, wah.
167
00:26:21,380 --> 00:26:22,880
- I'm sorry for your loss.
168
00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:25,610
[laughter]
169
00:26:26,820 --> 00:26:28,080
- Oh!
170
00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:29,920
You know what I really want
to do right now?
171
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:31,220
- What?
172
00:26:31,220 --> 00:26:33,860
- Listen to
the Chipmunks' "Greatest Hits"
173
00:26:33,860 --> 00:26:35,420
and go pee on Terry.
174
00:26:35,420 --> 00:26:38,930
- I would love to pee on Terry
and listen to the Chipmunks.
175
00:26:38,930 --> 00:26:40,660
[laughter]
176
00:26:40,660 --> 00:26:44,030
- ♪ Pee on Terry
and listen to the Chipmunks ♪
177
00:26:44,030 --> 00:26:46,030
- ♪ Alvin ♪
- ♪ Simon ♪
178
00:26:46,030 --> 00:26:47,340
- ♪ Theodore ♪
179
00:26:47,340 --> 00:26:48,700
- ♪ I said, Alvin ♪
180
00:26:48,700 --> 00:26:51,410
both: ♪ Simon and Theodore ♪
181
00:26:51,410 --> 00:26:53,610
- Alvin. Simon.
182
00:26:53,610 --> 00:26:55,180
Ahh!
- Urine! Urine!
183
00:26:55,180 --> 00:26:56,750
- Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
184
00:26:56,750 --> 00:26:58,480
- What? Oh, my gosh!
- Oh. Oh.
185
00:26:58,480 --> 00:26:59,980
Terry!
- What?
186
00:26:59,980 --> 00:27:01,280
- Oh!
187
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:02,450
- Where's all the pee
I was promised
188
00:27:02,450 --> 00:27:03,820
by the girls with big boobs?
189
00:27:03,820 --> 00:27:05,320
- I think you were projecting
all of that.
190
00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:06,490
[bell ringing]
[gasps]
191
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I just heard a bell ringing.
192
00:27:07,590 --> 00:27:09,020
- [gasps] Oh, my gosh.
193
00:27:09,020 --> 00:27:12,090
Every time a bell rings,
an angel gets a tug job.
194
00:27:12,090 --> 00:27:13,260
- From?
195
00:27:13,260 --> 00:27:15,630
- [vocalizing]
196
00:27:16,730 --> 00:27:17,900
- Not me.
197
00:27:17,900 --> 00:27:19,230
- I've been
to Tug Jobs Anonymous.
198
00:27:19,230 --> 00:27:20,640
I'm in there right now.
Don't tell anybody.
199
00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:21,900
- Who else is in it with you?
200
00:27:21,900 --> 00:27:24,340
- It's me
and Gary Busey's mailman.
201
00:27:24,340 --> 00:27:26,140
- Terry!
- God! What?
202
00:27:26,140 --> 00:27:27,280
- What day is it?
203
00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:28,580
- Oh, my God!
204
00:27:28,580 --> 00:27:29,980
It's only a couple days
till Christmas!
205
00:27:29,980 --> 00:27:31,010
- [gasps]
206
00:27:31,010 --> 00:27:32,380
Then there's still time!
207
00:27:32,380 --> 00:27:34,550
- There's still time
to get peed on!
208
00:27:34,550 --> 00:27:36,620
- Uh, and--and/or
other things.
209
00:27:36,620 --> 00:27:38,250
- Right, but mainly peed on.
- Go.
210
00:27:38,250 --> 00:27:39,490
Just go.
Go, go, go, go, go,
211
00:27:39,490 --> 00:27:40,590
- Asparagus?
- Go.
212
00:27:40,590 --> 00:27:41,860
- Eat asparagus.
- Go.
213
00:27:41,860 --> 00:27:44,860
Merry Christmas,
dirty old pervert man!
214
00:27:44,860 --> 00:27:47,100
["The Chipmunk Song"
instrumental]
215
00:27:47,100 --> 00:27:48,460
- Fuck this place.
216
00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:51,870
- Merry Christmas, Reno!
217
00:27:51,870 --> 00:27:53,840
- Merry Christmas, weed store!
218
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:56,500
- Merry Christmas,
you old dildo shop!
219
00:27:56,500 --> 00:27:58,610
- Merry Christmas,
Soup on a Stick!
220
00:27:58,610 --> 00:28:01,410
- Merry Christmas,
frozen dildo shop!
221
00:28:01,410 --> 00:28:03,510
- Merry Christmas,
Genital Decorators!
222
00:28:03,510 --> 00:28:06,820
- Merry Christmas,
paint-your-own dildo shop!
223
00:28:06,820 --> 00:28:09,450
- Merry Christmas,
Animal Butt Plugs!
224
00:28:09,450 --> 00:28:16,020
♪ ♪
225
00:28:16,020 --> 00:28:17,260
- Terry?
226
00:28:17,260 --> 00:28:19,460
♪ ♪
227
00:28:19,460 --> 00:28:21,500
Were we supposed
to get going, Terry?
228
00:28:21,500 --> 00:28:24,470
[festive music]
229
00:28:24,470 --> 00:28:28,270
♪ ♪
230
00:28:28,270 --> 00:28:29,970
- Anyway,
your lives were great.
231
00:28:29,970 --> 00:28:31,710
Good morning, gang.
- Good morning.
232
00:28:31,710 --> 00:28:33,070
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
233
00:28:33,070 --> 00:28:34,840
- Uh, this week's briefings
are brought to you
234
00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:38,650
by Fugly Nubs,
the app that gets
235
00:28:38,650 --> 00:28:41,820
horrifyingly ugly
yet very usable parts
236
00:28:41,820 --> 00:28:44,620
of chickens directly to you.
237
00:28:44,620 --> 00:28:46,220
- Wait, what?
238
00:28:46,220 --> 00:28:48,360
- The way you eat a chicken,
it's skinned, and the pieces--
239
00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:50,020
I've never considered
them attractive.
240
00:28:50,020 --> 00:28:51,490
- Well, I'm sorry.
The fine print says,
241
00:28:51,490 --> 00:28:52,830
uh, "Parts of chickens
242
00:28:52,830 --> 00:28:54,760
that aren't even usable
in Mexican restaurants."
243
00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:54,790
- It sounds like this company
isn't selling you
244
00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:58,290
[upbeat music]
245
00:28:58,290 --> 00:29:02,130
♪ ♪
246
00:29:02,130 --> 00:29:04,700
- Does everyone remember
the oath that HR made us take?
247
00:29:04,700 --> 00:29:07,370
And I won't show my wiener
to anybody.
248
00:29:07,370 --> 00:29:09,470
- I will not show
my wiener to anybody.
249
00:29:09,470 --> 00:29:10,670
- No such thing
as a penis oath.
250
00:29:10,670 --> 00:29:12,040
- What are we doing?
- Oh.
251
00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:13,470
- Oh, we were just taking
an oath that we wouldn't
252
00:29:13,470 --> 00:29:14,810
show people our wieners.
253
00:29:14,810 --> 00:29:15,910
- Yeah, yeah.
254
00:29:15,910 --> 00:29:17,710
- Well, we had a situation
with a--
255
00:29:17,710 --> 00:29:19,210
- Yeah, there's a chimpanzee
running through the mall.
256
00:29:19,210 --> 00:29:20,510
- Chimpanzee.
257
00:29:20,510 --> 00:29:21,950
- It got into the Santa sack
and, uh,
258
00:29:21,950 --> 00:29:23,180
we don't know where it is.
259
00:29:23,180 --> 00:29:24,220
- It's all part
of a terrible ransom.
260
00:29:24,220 --> 00:29:25,520
- You're being chimp-sacked?
261
00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:27,450
- Not a thing.
- The adult male chimpanzee
262
00:29:27,450 --> 00:29:29,920
has nine times the grip
of that of a male adult.
263
00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:32,890
The secret is,
you have to be a chimp
264
00:29:32,890 --> 00:29:34,600
of a higher status.
265
00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:36,300
It's a status game, mates.
266
00:29:36,300 --> 00:29:37,460
Watch and learn.
267
00:29:37,460 --> 00:29:39,370
- He's over here, behind the--
268
00:29:39,370 --> 00:29:40,770
- He knows what he's doing.
269
00:29:40,770 --> 00:29:41,740
This is good.
270
00:29:41,740 --> 00:29:43,670
- All right, this is no good.
271
00:29:43,670 --> 00:29:45,040
You need, like, a moose
or something.
272
00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:46,210
A reindeer is not big enough.
273
00:29:46,210 --> 00:29:47,810
- OK.
- Not big enough.
274
00:29:47,810 --> 00:29:49,540
- Bigger chimp.
- Bigger chimp.
275
00:29:49,540 --> 00:29:50,810
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Status game.
276
00:29:50,810 --> 00:29:52,510
- Oh, yes. Yeah, OK.
- Come on.
277
00:29:52,510 --> 00:29:53,950
Come on, chimpie.
- OK, OK.
278
00:29:53,950 --> 00:29:56,550
[chimpanzee screaming]
- [screaming]
279
00:29:56,550 --> 00:29:57,820
- Oh. Oh, no, no, no.
280
00:29:57,820 --> 00:29:59,150
That sounds--that sounds bad.
- Oh!
281
00:29:59,150 --> 00:30:00,320
[thumping]
282
00:30:00,320 --> 00:30:02,460
[screaming]
283
00:30:02,460 --> 00:30:04,020
- Oh, he's OK!
284
00:30:04,020 --> 00:30:06,090
- He's got a bit
of fight in him, that one.
285
00:30:06,090 --> 00:30:07,630
All right, different tactic.
286
00:30:07,630 --> 00:30:09,060
I want him to think
that I'm a female.
287
00:30:09,060 --> 00:30:10,200
You, you.
288
00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:11,430
I need some musk.
289
00:30:11,430 --> 00:30:13,470
This way--this way--
- OK.
290
00:30:13,470 --> 00:30:15,140
- He'll think that I'm a woman.
- That works.
291
00:30:15,140 --> 00:30:16,240
That works.
- Not enough.
292
00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:17,610
Not enough.
- Oh!
293
00:30:17,610 --> 00:30:18,940
- You want some? Oh.
294
00:30:18,940 --> 00:30:20,070
- OK.
- Hey.
295
00:30:20,070 --> 00:30:21,440
- Oh.
296
00:30:21,440 --> 00:30:22,710
- Guys, it's totally standard.
- That'll do it.
297
00:30:22,710 --> 00:30:23,880
He'll like that.
He'll like that.
298
00:30:23,880 --> 00:30:25,250
- OK, good.
You're welcome.
299
00:30:25,250 --> 00:30:26,950
- Maybe.
Santa, come here.
300
00:30:26,950 --> 00:30:28,320
- You smell like a woman.
301
00:30:28,320 --> 00:30:30,020
- It's funny,
because usually when a man
302
00:30:30,020 --> 00:30:32,850
sticks his arm up my crotch,
I get his name first.
303
00:30:32,850 --> 00:30:35,060
- Now it's time
for the tender trap.
304
00:30:35,060 --> 00:30:36,090
- OK.
305
00:30:36,090 --> 00:30:37,560
- Godspeed.
306
00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:39,190
- Oh, you go--you go, girl.
307
00:30:39,190 --> 00:30:40,630
[chimpanzee screaming]
308
00:30:40,630 --> 00:30:42,900
[glass breaking]
[all yelling]
309
00:30:42,900 --> 00:30:44,500
- Not in there!
Put him down.
310
00:30:44,500 --> 00:30:45,770
Put him down.
311
00:30:45,770 --> 00:30:47,370
- Is your foot in it?
- Leave it, no!
312
00:30:47,370 --> 00:30:48,700
No!
313
00:30:48,700 --> 00:30:49,740
- Ahh!
314
00:30:49,740 --> 00:30:51,010
[screaming]
- Oh, oh.
315
00:30:51,010 --> 00:30:52,210
- He's in--
316
00:30:52,210 --> 00:30:53,410
- Ahh!
- Oh, he's alive.
317
00:30:53,410 --> 00:30:54,510
- Oh.
- He's alive.
318
00:30:54,510 --> 00:30:55,510
- I got him.
319
00:30:55,510 --> 00:30:56,940
I choked him out.
320
00:30:56,940 --> 00:30:58,150
- You choked him out.
321
00:30:58,150 --> 00:30:59,750
- [laughs]
- Oh.
322
00:30:59,750 --> 00:31:02,050
- He's not going
to bother you anymore.
323
00:31:02,050 --> 00:31:03,250
He's a nice fella.
324
00:31:03,250 --> 00:31:05,050
Just needed a bit of love.
- Oh.
325
00:31:05,050 --> 00:31:06,520
- Thank you, brave sir.
326
00:31:06,520 --> 00:31:08,020
- You're a hero.
- Brave sir.
327
00:31:08,020 --> 00:31:09,190
Oh, thank you so much.
328
00:31:09,190 --> 00:31:11,190
Your items.
- Ah, wow. Wow.
329
00:31:11,190 --> 00:31:13,030
- Uh, let's--is this dumb?
330
00:31:13,030 --> 00:31:15,600
Can get a--can we get
a snap with the squad?
331
00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:17,200
- Oh, yeah.
That's a great idea.
332
00:31:17,200 --> 00:31:19,230
- Come on, come on.
[cheering]
333
00:31:19,230 --> 00:31:20,530
- That's great. Whoops.
334
00:31:20,530 --> 00:31:22,000
Can everybody go, "whoops"?
That's great.
335
00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:23,170
[chimpanzee screaming]
336
00:31:23,170 --> 00:31:24,370
[screaming]
337
00:31:24,370 --> 00:31:25,470
[tranquilizer gun fires]
338
00:31:25,470 --> 00:31:27,040
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Oh!
339
00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:28,280
- Oh, you got him, Jim!
340
00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:29,880
- I'm OK!
341
00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:31,780
[cheering]
342
00:31:31,780 --> 00:31:33,550
- It's a Christmas miracle!
343
00:31:33,550 --> 00:31:34,650
- Let's get the photo.
344
00:31:34,650 --> 00:31:36,180
Season's greetings!
345
00:31:36,180 --> 00:31:38,950
all: Season's greetings.
346
00:31:38,950 --> 00:31:41,260
- Only three days left
to Christmas.
347
00:31:41,260 --> 00:31:42,790
Bargains are abound.
348
00:31:42,790 --> 00:31:45,260
- Does anybody want
an Ice N Tasty?
349
00:31:45,260 --> 00:31:46,690
No, I need one to put on--
350
00:31:46,690 --> 00:31:48,100
to ice my tasties.
- Morning, officers.
351
00:31:48,100 --> 00:31:49,330
Morning, morning.
352
00:31:49,330 --> 00:31:50,360
- Well, hello there.
- Good morning.
353
00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:51,670
- Thank you for your service.
354
00:31:51,670 --> 00:31:53,230
We saw what you got up to
this morning.
355
00:31:53,230 --> 00:31:55,140
- Oh, yeah. We got, uh--uh--
356
00:31:55,140 --> 00:31:56,540
- Chimp--you got chimp-sacked.
357
00:31:56,540 --> 00:31:58,140
- We got chimp-sacked.
- We sure did.
358
00:31:58,140 --> 00:31:59,410
- My name is Gunner.
359
00:31:59,410 --> 00:32:01,480
- And my name
is Ronnie Donald Ceviche.
360
00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:02,680
- And I am Hold 'Em.
361
00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:04,080
- And I am Fold 'Em.
362
00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:05,650
- Yeah.
We are the current stewards
363
00:32:05,650 --> 00:32:08,650
of the Kenny Rogers' Life
Exhibit.
364
00:32:08,650 --> 00:32:12,150
- Is this some kind of
traveling Kenny Rogers museum?
365
00:32:12,150 --> 00:32:13,620
- Some kind?
366
00:32:13,620 --> 00:32:17,560
This is the traveling
Kenny Rogers museum.
367
00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:18,830
- We're talking too much.
368
00:32:18,830 --> 00:32:20,490
It's almost time
to start our show.
369
00:32:20,490 --> 00:32:22,660
- Oh, oh, oh!
- And...
370
00:32:22,660 --> 00:32:24,030
[Kenny Rogers' "Let it Snow"]
371
00:32:24,030 --> 00:32:27,100
- Born 21 August, 1938,
Kenneth Donald Rogers,
372
00:32:27,100 --> 00:32:29,140
known to his family
as Kenneth Ray,
373
00:32:29,140 --> 00:32:31,770
went on to be nominated
19 times for a Grammy
374
00:32:31,770 --> 00:32:35,680
and sold over
121 million records worldwide.
375
00:32:35,680 --> 00:32:38,480
- This is the exact size
Kenny was
376
00:32:38,480 --> 00:32:40,050
when he was this size.
377
00:32:40,050 --> 00:32:42,180
- Child-size Kenny.
- It looks just like him.
378
00:32:42,180 --> 00:32:43,780
It looks just like him.
379
00:32:43,780 --> 00:32:46,320
- And he grew up in poverty,
surrounded by rats.
380
00:32:46,320 --> 00:32:47,820
- No. That's not a rat, sir.
381
00:32:47,820 --> 00:32:50,620
That is a nine-banded
Texas armadillo.
382
00:32:50,620 --> 00:32:51,790
The Texas tank.
383
00:32:51,790 --> 00:32:53,360
- Well, this was amazing.
384
00:32:53,360 --> 00:32:54,530
I wish there was more to see.
385
00:32:54,530 --> 00:32:56,060
Oh--oh, there is more!
386
00:32:56,060 --> 00:32:57,400
Oh, wow.
387
00:32:57,400 --> 00:32:59,570
Oh, whoa!
- Whoa!
388
00:32:59,570 --> 00:33:03,070
- Kenny Rogers stood
at least 6 feet tall.
389
00:33:03,070 --> 00:33:05,610
Rumor is, he never
looked down on any man,
390
00:33:05,610 --> 00:33:07,640
but every man looked up to him.
391
00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:09,040
- Look, look.
392
00:33:09,040 --> 00:33:11,180
I'm big enough that
if you skinned me,
393
00:33:11,180 --> 00:33:12,710
Kenny Rogers could wear me.
394
00:33:12,710 --> 00:33:14,110
- Your brain works weird.
395
00:33:14,110 --> 00:33:15,150
I like it.
396
00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:18,690
- [laughs]
397
00:33:18,690 --> 00:33:22,390
- This has all of Kenny's songs
in Japanese?
398
00:33:22,390 --> 00:33:23,990
- Yep. All of them.
399
00:33:23,990 --> 00:33:24,890
- Why?
400
00:33:24,890 --> 00:33:28,060
[upbeat country music]
401
00:33:28,060 --> 00:33:32,170
♪ ♪
402
00:33:32,170 --> 00:33:34,940
- Is this a suit that he wore?
- Well, this--
403
00:33:34,940 --> 00:33:36,370
just like everything
you're about to see--
404
00:33:36,370 --> 00:33:39,140
is something that Kenny
actually wore himself
405
00:33:39,140 --> 00:33:42,710
or is a pretty accurate
just this side of replica.
406
00:33:42,710 --> 00:33:45,510
- This is a replica
that Kenny would have worn,
407
00:33:45,510 --> 00:33:47,850
had Kenny worn a replica
like this one.
408
00:33:47,850 --> 00:33:49,680
- It would have been this one.
- That's right.
409
00:33:49,680 --> 00:33:56,820
♪ ♪
410
00:34:12,540 --> 00:34:14,170
- Kenny grew up really poor.
411
00:34:14,170 --> 00:34:17,380
He couldn't afford a kitty,
so he had a baby goat.
412
00:34:17,380 --> 00:34:19,680
They nicknamed him Smitty.
413
00:34:19,680 --> 00:34:21,380
- This goat feels
like hard plastic.
414
00:34:21,380 --> 00:34:22,850
Is that what that is?
- It is.
415
00:34:22,850 --> 00:34:24,380
- That's what that is.
This is not even a real goat?
416
00:34:24,380 --> 00:34:26,020
- I mean, it's a goat in there,
but we lacquered it.
417
00:34:26,020 --> 00:34:27,520
And then after a while it
started to delaminate, so--
418
00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:28,890
- Magnificent.
419
00:34:28,890 --> 00:34:30,590
- Also just a test of,
could we laminate a goat?
420
00:34:30,590 --> 00:34:31,890
- Yeah.
421
00:34:31,890 --> 00:34:33,660
- Well, you never know
until you try.
422
00:34:33,660 --> 00:34:36,200
♪ ♪
423
00:34:36,200 --> 00:34:37,900
- OK.
424
00:34:37,900 --> 00:34:38,770
Hi.
425
00:34:38,770 --> 00:34:39,870
I don't see anybody.
426
00:34:39,870 --> 00:34:41,270
Let's do this quick. [grunts]
427
00:34:41,270 --> 00:34:43,240
- OK.
- Ready?
428
00:34:43,240 --> 00:34:45,940
both: One, two, three.
429
00:34:45,940 --> 00:34:47,740
- [grunts]
430
00:34:47,740 --> 00:34:48,980
[both sigh]
431
00:34:48,980 --> 00:34:50,980
- All right.
So the plan is, we call--
432
00:34:50,980 --> 00:34:52,580
we call animal control.
- Right.
433
00:34:52,580 --> 00:34:53,580
- And they come
pick this thing up.
434
00:34:53,580 --> 00:34:54,520
- Yeah.
- Right?
435
00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:55,850
- Yeah.
436
00:34:55,850 --> 00:34:57,250
- And it has a very
happy life somewhere
437
00:34:57,250 --> 00:34:58,650
in some--in something that
looks like
438
00:34:58,650 --> 00:35:00,050
a Tarzan set, right?
439
00:35:00,050 --> 00:35:02,020
- Or--or we leave it here,
and it just can run free.
440
00:35:02,020 --> 00:35:03,320
- That's right.
You know, it's like a jungle.
441
00:35:03,320 --> 00:35:04,590
It's like a concrete jungle.
442
00:35:04,590 --> 00:35:06,230
We're releasing the monkey
in the concrete--
443
00:35:06,230 --> 00:35:07,960
- Hello?
- Hello?
444
00:35:07,960 --> 00:35:08,930
- Hello?
445
00:35:08,930 --> 00:35:10,500
- Oh!
- Oh, my God.
446
00:35:10,500 --> 00:35:11,770
Oh, my--
- [groans]
447
00:35:11,770 --> 00:35:13,100
- Hey!
- Keith!
448
00:35:13,100 --> 00:35:14,670
- Hey, man.
- Where am I?
449
00:35:14,670 --> 00:35:15,840
- What are you doing
in that sack?
450
00:35:15,840 --> 00:35:17,500
- What am I doing in that sack?
451
00:35:17,500 --> 00:35:18,540
- We got--
what's he doing here?
452
00:35:18,540 --> 00:35:20,070
- Did you guys tranq me?
453
00:35:20,070 --> 00:35:22,110
- Wait, if you're here, then--
454
00:35:22,110 --> 00:35:24,140
- Who'd we drop
at the strip club?
455
00:35:24,140 --> 00:35:27,010
[chimpanzee screaming
in distance]
456
00:35:27,010 --> 00:35:28,480
- You can take me
to the strip club.
457
00:35:28,480 --> 00:35:29,650
- No, no, no.
You stay here.
458
00:35:29,650 --> 00:35:30,650
We should go.
We'll check it out.
459
00:35:30,650 --> 00:35:31,620
- Yeah.
- We should go.
460
00:35:31,620 --> 00:35:32,820
- I got to go home!
461
00:35:32,820 --> 00:35:34,390
I know my wife's worried sick!
462
00:35:34,390 --> 00:35:35,590
She's bigger than me!
463
00:35:35,590 --> 00:35:38,360
[siren blaring]
464
00:35:38,360 --> 00:35:41,330
- Is this what I think this is?
465
00:35:41,330 --> 00:35:45,530
- If you think this
is Kenny Rogers' bones,
466
00:35:45,530 --> 00:35:47,430
it absolutely is.
467
00:35:47,430 --> 00:35:49,140
- Please no flash photography.
468
00:35:49,140 --> 00:35:51,670
[all gasping]
469
00:35:51,670 --> 00:35:53,370
I can only keep it open
in little spurts,
470
00:35:53,370 --> 00:35:54,470
much like a Caravaggio.
471
00:35:54,470 --> 00:35:56,340
- Three, two, one.
472
00:35:56,340 --> 00:35:57,640
- Oh, whoa.
473
00:35:57,640 --> 00:36:01,010
- We just saw
Kenny Rogers' bones.
474
00:36:01,010 --> 00:36:02,680
- That is possible, yes.
- Yes.
475
00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:03,880
- Can I--should we all switch?
476
00:36:03,880 --> 00:36:05,120
I would love to see the bottom.
477
00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:06,350
- Oh, yeah, please
see the bottom.
478
00:36:06,350 --> 00:36:10,290
Kenny Rogers' bones.
479
00:36:10,290 --> 00:36:11,490
[gasping]
480
00:36:11,490 --> 00:36:12,660
- Please no flash photography.
- [gasps]
481
00:36:12,660 --> 00:36:13,790
This side is even better.
482
00:36:13,790 --> 00:36:15,100
- The bottom side
is incredible.
483
00:36:15,100 --> 00:36:17,630
- His voice resonated
inside that skull.
484
00:36:17,630 --> 00:36:19,700
- There's still cards
in his hand.
485
00:36:19,700 --> 00:36:21,300
- Wow.
- Yeah.
486
00:36:21,300 --> 00:36:23,540
The kind of cards Kenny Rogers
would have held in his hands,
487
00:36:23,540 --> 00:36:25,140
had he died lying down.
488
00:36:25,140 --> 00:36:26,470
- Amazing.
489
00:36:26,470 --> 00:36:28,810
- I will say, having
just seen his wingspan,
490
00:36:28,810 --> 00:36:31,180
this is the full-size Kenny?
491
00:36:31,180 --> 00:36:33,250
- We should admit that we do
have the same parent company
492
00:36:33,250 --> 00:36:34,950
as the Body World show.
- Oh.
493
00:36:34,950 --> 00:36:36,520
- Remember that?
- OK.
494
00:36:36,520 --> 00:36:38,050
- Was that, like, the muscle
dudes that played volleyball?
495
00:36:38,050 --> 00:36:39,290
- Yeah.
- Exactly.
496
00:36:39,290 --> 00:36:40,890
- So there is some
cross-pollination where,
497
00:36:40,890 --> 00:36:42,390
you know, well,
we share a warehouse.
498
00:36:42,390 --> 00:36:43,760
- Sure, of course.
499
00:36:43,760 --> 00:36:44,960
- Let's not tug
each other's nuts right here.
500
00:36:44,960 --> 00:36:46,360
They may not be
Kenny Rogers' bones,
501
00:36:46,360 --> 00:36:48,500
but they remain bones,
mostly human bones.
502
00:36:48,500 --> 00:36:50,200
- Let's not tug our own nuts.
503
00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:51,600
- No.
504
00:36:51,600 --> 00:36:54,530
- Let's not allow anyone
walking by to get a nut tug.
505
00:36:54,530 --> 00:36:56,170
Bones.
- Human bones.
506
00:36:56,170 --> 00:36:57,670
- Kenny Rogers had them.
- In the shape--
507
00:36:57,670 --> 00:36:59,270
in the shape of Kenny Rogers.
508
00:36:59,270 --> 00:37:00,440
You know what?
I'd kind of like to see
509
00:37:00,440 --> 00:37:01,810
the top half again,
would that be OK?
510
00:37:01,810 --> 00:37:03,480
- Oh, yeah. Please.
Please take your time.
511
00:37:03,480 --> 00:37:06,180
- You said pièce de résistance
two or three times.
512
00:37:06,180 --> 00:37:07,410
- Yeah.
513
00:37:07,410 --> 00:37:10,480
- This is clearly
the pièce de résistance.
514
00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:12,050
This has been wonderful.
515
00:37:12,050 --> 00:37:13,550
We'll just come by anytime,
and you guys can show these?
516
00:37:13,550 --> 00:37:15,790
- Any time you got $38,
you can come right on by here.
517
00:37:15,790 --> 00:37:17,090
- Again.
- Wow.
518
00:37:17,090 --> 00:37:19,890
[sleigh bells jingling]
["Ode to Joy"]
519
00:37:19,890 --> 00:37:21,290
♪ ♪
520
00:39:29,720 --> 00:39:30,860
- ♪ Oh, the little
Junior Deputies ♪
521
00:39:30,860 --> 00:39:31,960
♪ They came up to your knee ♪
522
00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:33,030
♪ But how'd they turn out? ♪
523
00:39:33,030 --> 00:39:35,030
♪ Take a look-y and see ♪
524
00:39:35,030 --> 00:39:38,500
- It's Christmas, and the Reno
Junior Deputies program
525
00:39:38,500 --> 00:39:41,170
has never needed your funds
more than right now.
526
00:39:41,170 --> 00:39:43,840
Every year y'all have been
leaving babies for us,
527
00:39:43,840 --> 00:39:45,610
like some kind
of backwards Grinch
528
00:39:45,610 --> 00:39:47,370
who never heard about rubbers.
529
00:39:47,370 --> 00:39:49,910
Well, meet my little friend
Freckles here.
530
00:39:49,910 --> 00:39:53,310
After 20 Christmases spent in
the Reno Sheriff's Department,
531
00:39:53,310 --> 00:39:55,620
this is little Freckles now.
532
00:39:57,180 --> 00:39:58,350
Good girl, Freckles.
533
00:39:58,350 --> 00:39:59,490
- I drank poison.
534
00:39:59,490 --> 00:40:00,820
- No, you didn't.
- Just kidding.
535
00:40:00,820 --> 00:40:02,020
No, I didn't.
536
00:40:02,020 --> 00:40:03,490
'Cause I can't,
'cause I'm pregnant.
537
00:40:03,490 --> 00:40:06,030
- Freckles, so help me God,
just say happy holidays
538
00:40:06,030 --> 00:40:07,560
from the Junior
Sheriff's Department,
539
00:40:07,560 --> 00:40:09,400
or I'll smack
the shit out of you.
540
00:40:09,400 --> 00:40:11,100
- I want you to.
541
00:40:11,100 --> 00:40:12,400
Kill me!
- Stop!
542
00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:13,570
- Kill me!
- Stop asking me to kill you!
543
00:40:13,570 --> 00:40:14,870
- Fucking kill me!
544
00:40:14,870 --> 00:40:15,970
- I am not going to kill you,
you little--
545
00:40:15,970 --> 00:40:17,400
- Suck my dick!
546
00:40:17,400 --> 00:40:18,370
- ♪ Oh, the little
Junior Deputies ♪
547
00:40:18,370 --> 00:40:19,740
♪ Were only just cubs ♪
548
00:40:19,740 --> 00:40:21,270
♪ But now they're men
and women ♪
549
00:40:21,270 --> 00:40:22,840
♪ Kind of like us ♪
550
00:40:22,840 --> 00:40:25,910
[sleigh bells jingling]
[upbeat music]
551
00:40:25,910 --> 00:40:29,280
♪ ♪
552
00:40:31,550 --> 00:40:33,420
- We've been here since
4:00 a.m. this morning,
553
00:40:33,420 --> 00:40:35,120
and it has been my privilege
to introduce
554
00:40:35,120 --> 00:40:39,590
the Reno Sheriff's Department
to actual police procedure.
555
00:40:39,590 --> 00:40:42,700
Now, I have asked Jones
and Cindy to join me today.
556
00:40:42,700 --> 00:40:46,700
Mr. Richnickie
of the Sierra Nugget Mall has
557
00:40:46,700 --> 00:40:48,130
had some threatening letters
sent to him
558
00:40:48,130 --> 00:40:50,400
saying they're going
to steal his silver nugget.
559
00:40:50,400 --> 00:40:54,710
So I have started
what we call a string board.
560
00:40:54,710 --> 00:40:56,840
This is how all great crime
is solved.
561
00:40:56,840 --> 00:41:00,210
What we're going to do
is find possible connections
562
00:41:00,210 --> 00:41:02,580
to the potential theft
of the silver nugget,
563
00:41:02,580 --> 00:41:04,750
so if it gets stolen,
564
00:41:04,750 --> 00:41:06,720
and if we figure out
who stole it,
565
00:41:06,720 --> 00:41:09,190
perhaps we connect
it to something
566
00:41:09,190 --> 00:41:10,820
that fucking matters.
567
00:41:10,820 --> 00:41:12,830
We got OJ.
568
00:41:12,830 --> 00:41:14,330
I don't want to
get into it again.
569
00:41:14,330 --> 00:41:16,300
Who did this? What's this?
570
00:41:16,300 --> 00:41:19,270
- That's a coconut nut cluster
wrapper I put up there.
571
00:41:19,270 --> 00:41:20,370
That--maybe a wrapper--
572
00:41:20,370 --> 00:41:21,500
- What's the connection?
573
00:41:21,500 --> 00:41:24,100
- Maybe--maybe
a wrapper did it.
574
00:41:24,100 --> 00:41:26,640
- You're just saying what
you think I want to hear.
575
00:41:26,640 --> 00:41:27,810
- Hi.
- Hey.
576
00:41:27,810 --> 00:41:28,910
- Hey, Riz.
- Hey.
577
00:41:28,910 --> 00:41:30,310
What's up?
- Sorry I'm late.
578
00:41:30,310 --> 00:41:32,580
- Oh, you here to work on it?
579
00:41:32,580 --> 00:41:34,180
- You just told me
to show up here.
580
00:41:34,180 --> 00:41:35,550
- You know who could be guilty?
581
00:41:35,550 --> 00:41:37,320
- Oh, good. Yes. Who?
582
00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:40,350
- In Reno, almost...
583
00:41:40,350 --> 00:41:41,960
everyone.
584
00:41:41,960 --> 00:41:43,790
- All right. No.
585
00:41:43,790 --> 00:41:46,490
[sleigh bells jingling]
[gentle music]
586
00:41:46,490 --> 00:41:48,030
- Oh, no.
- Oh, Lord.
587
00:41:48,030 --> 00:41:50,130
- Merry Christmas!
- Yep. It's Big Mike.
588
00:41:50,130 --> 00:41:51,560
- Is he huffing on them fumes?
589
00:41:51,560 --> 00:41:53,500
Sheriff's Department, Mike.
590
00:41:53,500 --> 00:41:54,530
He's got a flocker.
- He's got a flocker.
591
00:41:54,530 --> 00:41:55,770
- Got a flocker.
592
00:41:55,770 --> 00:41:57,400
Mike, put that
flocking gun down.
593
00:41:57,400 --> 00:41:59,470
- [gibberish]
594
00:41:59,470 --> 00:42:00,940
- Whoa! Mike! Hey!
[flocker sprays]
595
00:42:00,940 --> 00:42:02,410
Whoa! Hey! Hey!
596
00:42:02,410 --> 00:42:04,080
Hey. Stop it!
597
00:42:04,080 --> 00:42:05,350
Don't--have you
been huffing that?
598
00:42:05,350 --> 00:42:06,510
- Everyone is so--
- You can't--
599
00:42:06,510 --> 00:42:07,680
Mike, don't huff that.
Don't huff that.
600
00:42:07,680 --> 00:42:09,880
- Mike, that's bad
for your health.
601
00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:12,020
- [groaning]
602
00:42:12,020 --> 00:42:13,590
I'm a monster!
603
00:42:13,590 --> 00:42:14,960
Right.
- Mike, stop it.
604
00:42:14,960 --> 00:42:16,290
- Mike, stop.
- Mike, stop it!
605
00:42:16,290 --> 00:42:17,790
Stop it! Stop it!
606
00:42:17,790 --> 00:42:19,490
- What is that stuff?
- Hey, I'll flock you--
607
00:42:19,490 --> 00:42:20,590
I'll flock you up.
608
00:42:20,590 --> 00:42:21,800
- I'm fucking--do it.
609
00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:23,100
Give me--give me one.
610
00:42:23,100 --> 00:42:25,170
Give him the snowball.
611
00:42:25,170 --> 00:42:26,570
Here you go.
- Hey!
612
00:42:26,570 --> 00:42:29,840
- Guess what kind of call
we got on the telephone.
613
00:42:29,840 --> 00:42:31,470
- Man partying
in a parking lot?
614
00:42:31,470 --> 00:42:32,540
- No.
- No.
615
00:42:32,540 --> 00:42:34,070
- Man having a sale?
616
00:42:34,070 --> 00:42:37,710
Man selling
flocked Halloween ornaments
617
00:42:37,710 --> 00:42:39,280
at discount price?
618
00:42:39,280 --> 00:42:41,410
- This is definitely all
the stuff that got stolen
619
00:42:41,410 --> 00:42:43,250
from the Halloween stuff.
- Oh, yeah, 100%.
620
00:42:43,250 --> 00:42:45,120
I recognize that spider
'cause I wanted it,
621
00:42:45,120 --> 00:42:47,120
and it was $64.
- Well, how much is it now?
622
00:42:47,120 --> 00:42:48,360
Hey, Mike?
623
00:42:48,360 --> 00:42:49,460
- Mike, how much is the spider?
624
00:42:49,460 --> 00:42:52,260
- 21.99 for the spider.
625
00:42:52,260 --> 00:42:53,360
- Really?
626
00:42:53,360 --> 00:42:54,660
For the whole spider?
627
00:42:54,660 --> 00:42:56,460
- Think up on top
of your Christmas tree.
628
00:42:56,460 --> 00:42:58,130
That sounds like
a pretty good idea.
629
00:42:58,130 --> 00:43:00,070
21.99 for me.
630
00:43:00,070 --> 00:43:01,700
- Mike, what happened
to that vehicle over there?
631
00:43:01,700 --> 00:43:03,400
- That's my race car.
632
00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:04,840
- Is that your vehicle?
- Yes.
633
00:43:04,840 --> 00:43:06,070
- And the paperwork
would be in it
634
00:43:06,070 --> 00:43:07,370
that would show
that this belongs
635
00:43:07,370 --> 00:43:08,910
to Big Mike, and not Brenda?
636
00:43:08,910 --> 00:43:10,740
Wait a minute.
Did Brenda help you
637
00:43:10,740 --> 00:43:12,550
steal everything
from the Halloween stuff,
638
00:43:12,550 --> 00:43:14,150
and--stop it, Mike! Mike.
639
00:43:14,150 --> 00:43:15,120
Mike. Mike. Mike.
640
00:43:15,120 --> 00:43:16,350
Stop it.
641
00:43:16,350 --> 00:43:17,920
- Is Brenda dead in the trunk?
642
00:43:17,920 --> 00:43:21,620
- Brenda was called
to serve the Lord.
643
00:43:21,620 --> 00:43:24,190
That's why she moved
to Hot Springs, Arkansas.
644
00:43:24,190 --> 00:43:25,530
To serve the Lord. - She was
not with you
645
00:43:25,530 --> 00:43:27,090
when you robbed
the Halloween store?
646
00:43:27,090 --> 00:43:29,160
- No! Absolutely not!
647
00:43:29,160 --> 00:43:31,560
- I've met Brenda,
and she's a godless troll.
648
00:43:31,560 --> 00:43:32,800
- Well, that's what happened.
649
00:43:32,800 --> 00:43:34,070
See, those make
the best preachers.
650
00:43:34,070 --> 00:43:36,370
The ones that
start out as whores
651
00:43:36,370 --> 00:43:38,540
and drug dealers
and pedophiles
652
00:43:38,540 --> 00:43:41,240
and ass-rapers
and dick smokers,
653
00:43:41,240 --> 00:43:42,510
and then they go,
654
00:43:42,510 --> 00:43:44,110
I'm dub--done with my dicks.
655
00:43:44,110 --> 00:43:46,410
I'm going up there
for the Lord.
656
00:43:46,410 --> 00:43:47,750
And she has a kennel--
657
00:43:47,750 --> 00:43:48,980
- I'm going to need
to check that vehicle.
658
00:43:48,980 --> 00:43:50,820
- She has--no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
659
00:43:50,820 --> 00:43:52,350
You don't got to check
that kennel.
660
00:43:52,350 --> 00:43:53,690
- I'm happy for her, actually.
661
00:43:53,690 --> 00:43:56,360
- She's doing so well.
662
00:43:56,360 --> 00:43:59,330
[flies buzzing]
663
00:43:59,330 --> 00:44:00,560
- Well.
664
00:44:00,560 --> 00:44:01,660
- Found her.
665
00:44:01,660 --> 00:44:02,930
- Yeah, Brenda's in there.
666
00:44:02,930 --> 00:44:04,200
- Let's go, Mike.
- All right.
667
00:44:04,200 --> 00:44:05,400
- Good Lord.
668
00:44:05,400 --> 00:44:06,830
- I'm going to throw up
real quick.
669
00:44:06,830 --> 00:44:07,930
- Do you think we
have time to stop
670
00:44:07,930 --> 00:44:09,340
by the Thanksgiving store?
671
00:44:09,340 --> 00:44:10,440
- Absolutely.
672
00:44:10,440 --> 00:44:13,340
[up-tempo rock music]
673
00:44:13,340 --> 00:44:14,610
♪ ♪
674
00:44:14,610 --> 00:44:15,840
- OK.
675
00:44:15,840 --> 00:44:17,380
We've been here
for about nine hours
676
00:44:17,380 --> 00:44:20,810
working on the string board,
and we are making progress.
677
00:44:20,810 --> 00:44:22,950
Uh, guys, you want
to run through
678
00:44:22,950 --> 00:44:24,680
what we've excluded so far?
679
00:44:24,680 --> 00:44:26,650
- Jesus, DEVO, OJ,
680
00:44:26,650 --> 00:44:28,620
Mark Fuhrman, the Black Dahlia.
681
00:44:28,620 --> 00:44:31,390
We also--remember,
we found out that's not
682
00:44:31,390 --> 00:44:33,530
a--that's not a microchip.
683
00:44:33,530 --> 00:44:34,660
It's seaweed.
684
00:44:34,660 --> 00:44:36,260
- I knew that going in.
685
00:44:36,260 --> 00:44:39,630
But we have eliminated some
of these possibilities.
686
00:44:39,630 --> 00:44:42,100
- It's come to my attention,
uh,
687
00:44:42,100 --> 00:44:43,940
that I think we have
not been looking
688
00:44:43,940 --> 00:44:46,970
at--where there's smoke,
there's sometimes fire.
689
00:44:46,970 --> 00:44:50,610
And I know everyone said they
don't know Mr. Richnickie,
690
00:44:50,610 --> 00:44:52,310
is that correct?
691
00:44:52,310 --> 00:44:53,880
- Yeah.
- Mm.
692
00:44:53,880 --> 00:44:56,580
- I mean, you know him,
because Reno's not a big town.
693
00:44:56,580 --> 00:44:57,720
I mean, I know him.
- Not a big town.
694
00:44:57,720 --> 00:44:59,090
- I wouldn't say that.
695
00:44:59,090 --> 00:45:00,520
- Jim, I will say we're
on the same bowling team.
696
00:45:00,520 --> 00:45:01,550
- You're on the same
bowling team.
697
00:45:01,550 --> 00:45:02,920
It's right there.
698
00:45:02,920 --> 00:45:06,690
- So you obviously know
that Richnickie and I
699
00:45:06,690 --> 00:45:09,460
own a balance beam
and jump rope play place,
700
00:45:09,460 --> 00:45:11,560
which is not thriving.
701
00:45:11,560 --> 00:45:14,170
And, um--so what?
702
00:45:14,170 --> 00:45:15,370
I know him.
703
00:45:15,370 --> 00:45:16,840
And I have
a small business with him.
704
00:45:16,840 --> 00:45:18,300
And he owes me some money.
705
00:45:18,300 --> 00:45:19,770
- We were in a band.
706
00:45:19,770 --> 00:45:23,340
- We dated the same woman
for...
707
00:45:23,340 --> 00:45:24,780
a little while.
708
00:45:24,780 --> 00:45:26,780
- And that woman was my mother.
709
00:45:26,780 --> 00:45:29,180
- And the, uh, third investor
710
00:45:29,180 --> 00:45:32,220
in my balance beam
and jump rope business.
711
00:45:32,220 --> 00:45:34,650
To be clear,
I think what interested her
712
00:45:34,650 --> 00:45:37,860
is the low overhead and
the small initial investment.
713
00:45:37,860 --> 00:45:39,460
It is a great idea.
714
00:45:39,460 --> 00:45:42,660
- Then why do you need so
much money from other people?
715
00:45:42,660 --> 00:45:44,100
- Because I'm generous.
716
00:45:44,100 --> 00:45:45,630
- We should take
all these guys down--
717
00:45:45,630 --> 00:45:47,100
- Oh--oh,
I don't know about that!
718
00:45:47,100 --> 00:45:48,540
- And put up all of us.
- No, no, no, no, no.
719
00:45:48,540 --> 00:45:50,170
This is--
- Declan!
720
00:45:50,170 --> 00:45:51,670
- Like, even as a background--
- Holy shit.
721
00:45:51,670 --> 00:45:52,910
Guys, guys, guys.
Sorry.
722
00:45:52,910 --> 00:45:54,270
I think I found a clue.
723
00:45:54,270 --> 00:45:55,810
Listen, I don't know
if it has something to do
724
00:45:55,810 --> 00:45:57,140
with these notes or not,
but I found this
725
00:45:57,140 --> 00:45:58,910
in the parking lot
and I think it's a clue.
726
00:45:58,910 --> 00:46:00,880
Pig in a jar!
- Yes, it's a clue!
727
00:46:00,880 --> 00:46:02,550
We don't get this every day.
It's a clue.
728
00:46:02,550 --> 00:46:04,450
- It's not just a clue.
729
00:46:04,450 --> 00:46:05,920
It's also a warning.
730
00:46:05,920 --> 00:46:07,690
How many pigs are there
supposed to be in the story?
731
00:46:07,690 --> 00:46:09,720
- Three.
- How many aren't here?
732
00:46:09,720 --> 00:46:11,120
- Two.
733
00:46:11,120 --> 00:46:13,630
- Someone who should be
an ally is, in fact--
734
00:46:13,630 --> 00:46:15,060
- Someone with two faces.
735
00:46:15,060 --> 00:46:16,600
- Someone--
- A two-faced pig
736
00:46:16,600 --> 00:46:17,860
is betraying
the other two pigs.
737
00:46:17,860 --> 00:46:19,130
- And a piggy--
where does piggy go?
738
00:46:19,130 --> 00:46:20,670
Where does the piggy go?
- The market.
739
00:46:20,670 --> 00:46:21,800
- Went to the market!
740
00:46:21,800 --> 00:46:24,200
- Guys, what do people call us?
741
00:46:24,200 --> 00:46:25,410
Pigs.
742
00:46:25,410 --> 00:46:27,410
We need to go to the market.
743
00:46:27,410 --> 00:46:30,580
- These little piggies
go to market.
744
00:46:30,580 --> 00:46:32,410
- I cracked it!
I grassed it.
745
00:46:32,410 --> 00:46:33,750
- Fantastic.
746
00:46:33,750 --> 00:46:35,220
You're undercover, we're all--
- Hey, guys?
747
00:46:35,220 --> 00:46:36,550
- Yeah.
- The board works.
748
00:46:36,550 --> 00:46:37,550
- The board did work.
749
00:46:37,550 --> 00:46:39,090
- There it is!
750
00:46:39,090 --> 00:46:41,520
What are you guys doing
messing with my face soup?
751
00:46:41,520 --> 00:46:43,760
I put it outside 'cause
it needs to cook in the sun,
752
00:46:43,760 --> 00:46:45,020
like sun tea.
753
00:46:45,020 --> 00:46:46,390
That's why I left it
in the parking lot.
754
00:46:46,390 --> 00:46:47,990
- So this is not a clue
that we're supposed
755
00:46:47,990 --> 00:46:49,760
to go down to the market?
- No!
756
00:46:49,760 --> 00:46:51,800
White people, always
taking your stuff.
757
00:46:51,800 --> 00:46:53,070
- Yes.
- Am I right?
758
00:46:53,070 --> 00:46:54,270
[interposing voices]
- Yes, they do.
759
00:46:54,270 --> 00:46:55,870
Yes, they do.
- Face soup.
760
00:46:55,870 --> 00:46:57,000
- Face soup.
761
00:46:57,000 --> 00:46:58,810
- Face soup.
- You know what?
762
00:46:58,810 --> 00:47:00,010
Now that I think about it,
I've seen your ads
763
00:47:00,010 --> 00:47:01,470
for it on Facebook.
- Yeah.
764
00:47:01,470 --> 00:47:02,710
[sniffs]
765
00:47:02,710 --> 00:47:04,010
- Ooh.
- Just a weird odor.
766
00:47:04,010 --> 00:47:05,780
- I like it.
Oh, I like it.
767
00:47:05,780 --> 00:47:06,810
- Oh, that feels good.
768
00:47:06,810 --> 00:47:08,080
- Ugh!
769
00:47:08,080 --> 00:47:09,450
It's-- it burns the back
of my throat.
770
00:47:09,450 --> 00:47:10,780
My whole mouth is cold.
771
00:47:10,780 --> 00:47:11,950
- I mean, it's got a nose--
there's a little
772
00:47:11,950 --> 00:47:13,520
bit of nose in mine.
773
00:47:13,520 --> 00:47:15,490
♪ ♪
774
00:47:15,490 --> 00:47:19,890
- It's another beautiful day
at the Sierra Nugget Mall.
775
00:47:21,290 --> 00:47:22,360
- Thank you, ma'am.
776
00:47:22,360 --> 00:47:23,400
Tell your friends
who have money
777
00:47:23,400 --> 00:47:25,300
to come back and see us.
- Yes.
778
00:47:25,300 --> 00:47:26,770
- Kenny Rogers!
779
00:47:26,770 --> 00:47:27,930
- Kenny Rogers.
- Hello.
780
00:47:27,930 --> 00:47:29,670
Right this way, go ahead.
- Hello.
781
00:47:29,670 --> 00:47:31,170
- Sheriff's Department.
- Hey.
782
00:47:31,170 --> 00:47:32,840
Guess who is back.
- Ugh.
783
00:47:32,840 --> 00:47:33,870
- Ugh, son of a bitch.
784
00:47:33,870 --> 00:47:35,070
- Come on, man.
785
00:47:35,070 --> 00:47:36,580
I saw them. They came through.
786
00:47:36,580 --> 00:47:37,840
- Hola!
787
00:47:37,840 --> 00:47:39,080
- Past the dino, and--
- Donde esta?
788
00:47:39,080 --> 00:47:40,280
- Come out, come out.
Hello.
789
00:47:40,280 --> 00:47:41,910
- Donde esta?
Hello.
790
00:47:41,910 --> 00:47:43,450
- You never know where
she's going to be.
791
00:47:43,450 --> 00:47:44,820
- All right.
- Hello?
792
00:47:44,820 --> 00:47:47,620
- Ahh!
[all screaming]
793
00:47:47,620 --> 00:47:49,020
- How y'all doing?
794
00:47:49,020 --> 00:47:50,620
[screaming]
- Nope, nope.
795
00:47:50,620 --> 00:47:51,890
Be a lady.
Come on, now.
796
00:47:51,890 --> 00:47:53,190
- Get away from me, ghost!
797
00:47:53,190 --> 00:47:54,530
- No, no--give me that leg.
798
00:47:54,530 --> 00:47:55,560
- T.T.!
799
00:47:55,560 --> 00:47:57,700
[screaming]
800
00:47:57,700 --> 00:47:58,770
- No, no.
801
00:47:58,770 --> 00:48:00,130
Slow--no running!
802
00:48:00,130 --> 00:48:01,430
- Get over here, T.T.!
803
00:48:01,430 --> 00:48:02,500
Uh-uh. No.
804
00:48:02,500 --> 00:48:03,800
No. No, T.T.
805
00:48:03,800 --> 00:48:04,840
- That's a weapon.
- T.T., stop.
806
00:48:04,840 --> 00:48:06,410
T.T.!
- T.T.
807
00:48:06,410 --> 00:48:07,840
- [screeches]
- Don't let her into that one.
808
00:48:07,840 --> 00:48:09,410
She's got high ground.
- Ahh!
809
00:48:09,410 --> 00:48:10,610
Ahh! Easy.
810
00:48:10,610 --> 00:48:11,860
No. No. No.
811
00:48:12,660 --> 00:48:13,900
- Father Nicholas has left me
812
00:48:13,900 --> 00:48:16,000
a splendid box
this Christmas morrow,
813
00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:18,840
and inside,
just what I asked for--
814
00:48:18,840 --> 00:48:20,440
a real boy.
815
00:48:20,440 --> 00:48:23,340
[singing to the
"12 Days of Christmas" tune]
816
00:49:19,530 --> 00:49:25,800
♪ Happy holidays ♪
817
00:49:25,800 --> 00:49:30,910
♪ Reno ♪
818
00:49:30,910 --> 00:49:33,780
[sleigh bells jingling]
[upbeat music]
819
00:49:33,780 --> 00:49:37,980
♪ ♪
820
00:49:37,980 --> 00:49:41,990
- I quite frankly think
that Mr. Richnickie
821
00:49:41,990 --> 00:49:44,190
might be making up
the whole ransom note thing,
822
00:49:44,190 --> 00:49:46,220
and someone wanting
to steal a silver nugget.
823
00:49:46,220 --> 00:49:47,520
I do.
824
00:49:47,520 --> 00:49:50,260
And I can't blame him,
because I once sent
825
00:49:50,260 --> 00:49:54,160
ransom notes to my own parents,
826
00:49:54,160 --> 00:49:56,630
pretending like
I had been kidnapped.
827
00:49:56,630 --> 00:50:00,140
And they did not respond.
828
00:50:02,970 --> 00:50:04,910
- You know, I did some
background on Richnickie,
829
00:50:04,910 --> 00:50:06,410
and I don't know
if this is something,
830
00:50:06,410 --> 00:50:07,540
but I think it might be.
831
00:50:07,540 --> 00:50:09,250
20 years ago,
he had a car wash,
832
00:50:09,250 --> 00:50:11,250
and the way he used to get
people to come to the car wash
833
00:50:11,250 --> 00:50:14,720
was he had some
rhodium displayed
834
00:50:14,720 --> 00:50:16,390
in a Plexiglass case.
835
00:50:16,390 --> 00:50:19,160
If you don't know, rhodium
is the most precious metal.
836
00:50:19,160 --> 00:50:21,460
It got stolen as well.
837
00:50:23,190 --> 00:50:24,790
Anything?
838
00:50:24,790 --> 00:50:26,360
- Hi, how are you today?
839
00:50:26,360 --> 00:50:27,630
There you go.
840
00:50:27,630 --> 00:50:29,000
All right.
841
00:50:29,000 --> 00:50:30,200
Now, you're not
going to believe it.
842
00:50:30,200 --> 00:50:31,670
That's the Sierra Nugget.
843
00:50:31,670 --> 00:50:33,140
Can you believe it?
844
00:50:34,700 --> 00:50:36,170
She's my pride and joy,
845
00:50:36,170 --> 00:50:38,310
and she's insured
for a fortune.
846
00:50:38,310 --> 00:50:39,680
Beautiful.
847
00:50:39,680 --> 00:50:42,510
[mysterious music]
[sleigh bells jingling]
848
00:50:42,510 --> 00:50:46,180
♪ ♪
849
00:50:46,180 --> 00:50:49,420
- We have been
in the Christmas pageant
850
00:50:49,420 --> 00:50:52,920
a whole bunch of times,
and it was a'ight.
851
00:50:52,920 --> 00:50:55,260
But now--[laughs]
Get ready for this,
852
00:50:55,260 --> 00:50:57,430
because Dangle came up
with an idea
853
00:50:57,430 --> 00:51:00,430
for us to top
what we did last year.
854
00:51:00,430 --> 00:51:03,000
We got live doves!
855
00:51:03,000 --> 00:51:04,470
- Live doves.
856
00:51:04,470 --> 00:51:08,970
There is a website called
CelebrationDovesOhMyMy.org.
857
00:51:08,970 --> 00:51:11,340
We have, uh,
dove catchers ready to go.
858
00:51:11,340 --> 00:51:12,840
- Yep.
- Dove Station Alpha.
859
00:51:12,840 --> 00:51:13,940
- Doves fly out.
- Check.
860
00:51:13,940 --> 00:51:15,150
- Check. Hey.
861
00:51:15,150 --> 00:51:16,850
Ho ho ho.
- Dove Station Zebra.
862
00:51:16,850 --> 00:51:18,080
Check.
863
00:51:18,080 --> 00:51:20,480
After the Christ child
is born--
864
00:51:20,480 --> 00:51:22,350
I'm the Christ child,
of course--
865
00:51:22,350 --> 00:51:25,360
we will then release the doves.
866
00:51:25,360 --> 00:51:26,620
Get ready.
Right, we all ready?
867
00:51:26,620 --> 00:51:28,790
- Y'all get ready.
868
00:51:28,790 --> 00:51:29,990
- It's got bubble wrap.
869
00:51:29,990 --> 00:51:31,060
- Save the bubble wrap.
870
00:51:31,060 --> 00:51:32,560
I like--I like bubble wrap.
871
00:51:34,430 --> 00:51:35,670
- Huh.
872
00:51:35,670 --> 00:51:38,130
One alive, one frozen alive,
one dozen.
873
00:51:38,130 --> 00:51:41,500
There's lots and lots of them,
and they're very cold.
874
00:51:41,500 --> 00:51:45,040
- It says you have
to reheat the dove.
875
00:51:45,040 --> 00:51:47,080
They came over in
a shipping container, right?
876
00:51:47,080 --> 00:51:48,550
- Oh, that makes sense.
Oh, look at him.
877
00:51:48,550 --> 00:51:50,010
He's walking around,
and then he's flying.
878
00:51:50,010 --> 00:51:51,550
This is not--actually
not that hard.
879
00:51:51,550 --> 00:51:56,350
All we got to do is warm up,
uh, 120 frozen solid doves.
880
00:51:56,350 --> 00:51:57,650
- I'll stick it down my shirt.
881
00:51:57,650 --> 00:51:58,960
That always works on everybody.
- OK.
882
00:51:58,960 --> 00:52:00,160
- I'll try that.
883
00:52:00,160 --> 00:52:03,460
- Once they start waking up,
884
00:52:03,460 --> 00:52:04,790
be ready.
885
00:52:04,790 --> 00:52:07,160
- Jim, I got to say,
I think these are dead.
886
00:52:07,160 --> 00:52:08,260
- They're just flash frozen.
- No.
887
00:52:08,260 --> 00:52:09,700
- Mine is not coming back yet.
888
00:52:09,700 --> 00:52:13,570
- If anything, it's like
it's necrofying my skin.
889
00:52:13,570 --> 00:52:15,240
- Oh, my God.
- I heard this is how
890
00:52:15,240 --> 00:52:16,970
the first avian flu started,
by the way.
891
00:52:16,970 --> 00:52:18,610
- That's probably
very, very true.
892
00:52:18,610 --> 00:52:20,140
[hair dryer whirring]
893
00:52:20,140 --> 00:52:22,780
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
894
00:52:22,780 --> 00:52:24,510
- No, no.
895
00:52:24,510 --> 00:52:25,980
- Ooh!
896
00:52:25,980 --> 00:52:27,420
Oh, my gosh.
897
00:52:27,420 --> 00:52:28,950
- Starting to smell
like chicken.
898
00:52:28,950 --> 00:52:30,620
- Any luck?
- No.
899
00:52:30,620 --> 00:52:33,220
- Well, I thought I saw
something move, but--
900
00:52:33,220 --> 00:52:34,820
- I had--I had
a little feeling
901
00:52:34,820 --> 00:52:36,660
on this guy for a minute.
902
00:52:36,660 --> 00:52:38,390
Wait.
903
00:52:38,390 --> 00:52:39,260
No.
904
00:52:39,260 --> 00:52:40,660
So close, so close.
905
00:52:40,660 --> 00:52:41,930
Wait.
906
00:52:43,030 --> 00:52:44,800
Nope. I'll be back.
907
00:52:44,800 --> 00:52:46,740
Keep the faith.
908
00:52:46,740 --> 00:52:49,610
[siren blaring in distance]
909
00:52:51,640 --> 00:52:53,980
- My worst experience
with the Junior Deputies
910
00:52:53,980 --> 00:52:56,350
was when I got taken hostage
by them.
911
00:52:56,350 --> 00:52:58,250
Their demands were they wanted
912
00:52:58,250 --> 00:53:00,650
better living conditions
and food.
913
00:53:00,650 --> 00:53:03,920
I got released once we agreed
to expand their kennels
914
00:53:03,920 --> 00:53:06,060
by 25 square feet
915
00:53:06,060 --> 00:53:08,690
and raised the fill line
on their dishes
916
00:53:08,690 --> 00:53:10,590
by an inch.
917
00:53:10,590 --> 00:53:15,030
- Have a lot of our
adult deputies gotten hurt
918
00:53:15,030 --> 00:53:16,470
by the Junior Deputies?
919
00:53:16,470 --> 00:53:17,900
Of course.
920
00:53:17,900 --> 00:53:20,440
Did Trudy get rabies from
one of the Junior Deputies?
921
00:53:20,440 --> 00:53:21,840
Yes.
922
00:53:21,840 --> 00:53:23,610
These are youngsters, often,
that were maybe left
923
00:53:23,610 --> 00:53:29,180
at the station,
and you can't judge them
924
00:53:29,180 --> 00:53:30,880
the way you would
a normal person.
925
00:53:30,880 --> 00:53:32,980
And we've asked a judge
to do that many times.
926
00:53:32,980 --> 00:53:34,550
And they say, no,
these are children.
927
00:53:34,550 --> 00:53:37,620
[sleigh bells jingling]
[gentle music]
928
00:53:37,620 --> 00:53:41,620
♪ ♪
929
00:53:41,620 --> 00:53:44,330
- Aaand away we go!
930
00:53:44,330 --> 00:53:46,300
Hi, Junior Deputies.
931
00:53:46,300 --> 00:53:49,800
My name is Deputy Trudy Wiegel,
932
00:53:49,800 --> 00:53:55,100
and I am going to take you
on this magical sleigh ride
933
00:53:55,100 --> 00:53:59,380
to see a wowser
of a holiday pageant.
934
00:53:59,380 --> 00:54:01,410
Which was written by my friend
935
00:54:01,410 --> 00:54:05,780
and sometimes lover,
Jim Dangle.
936
00:54:05,780 --> 00:54:07,080
- Sir, I'm gonna--
937
00:54:07,080 --> 00:54:09,090
I'm gonna need
to have you sit down.
938
00:54:09,090 --> 00:54:11,490
- Um, OK.
939
00:54:11,490 --> 00:54:15,020
It's ma'am, but obviously
that's apparent.
940
00:54:15,020 --> 00:54:17,230
- We stay in our seats
because this
941
00:54:17,230 --> 00:54:20,100
is the safest bus in the West.
942
00:54:20,100 --> 00:54:24,170
When I say safest bus,
you say the--
943
00:54:25,700 --> 00:54:27,100
[grunts] Did some--
944
00:54:27,100 --> 00:54:28,840
did somebody bring nuts
on this bus?
945
00:54:28,840 --> 00:54:30,240
[crunching]
946
00:54:30,240 --> 00:54:33,480
This is a nut-free z--zone.
947
00:54:33,480 --> 00:54:34,680
Ahh!
948
00:54:34,680 --> 00:54:36,380
- You're a nut-free zone,
right?
949
00:54:36,380 --> 00:54:38,510
[brakes squeal]
What the hell?
950
00:54:38,510 --> 00:54:40,920
- [gasping]
951
00:54:40,920 --> 00:54:43,220
I'm deathly a--
952
00:54:43,220 --> 00:54:46,890
allergic to n--nuts!
953
00:54:46,890 --> 00:54:48,190
- She's very dramatic.
954
00:54:48,190 --> 00:54:49,260
[blood splatters]
[truck horn honks]
955
00:54:49,260 --> 00:54:50,530
[all gasp]
Holy shit!
956
00:54:53,700 --> 00:54:55,500
Are you OK?
957
00:54:55,500 --> 00:54:58,170
Oh, my God, that's so gross.
958
00:54:58,170 --> 00:55:01,140
[traffic whooshing]
[cars honking]
959
00:55:03,040 --> 00:55:04,410
[squelching]
960
00:55:04,410 --> 00:55:05,540
Ahh!
961
00:55:05,540 --> 00:55:07,910
Ahh! Ahh!
962
00:55:07,910 --> 00:55:11,180
[sleigh bells jingling]
[upbeat music]
963
00:55:11,180 --> 00:55:13,850
♪ ♪
964
00:55:13,850 --> 00:55:16,720
- [vocalizing reveille]
965
00:55:16,720 --> 00:55:18,150
♪ ♪
966
00:55:18,150 --> 00:55:21,020
[indistinct radio chatter]
967
00:55:21,020 --> 00:55:23,230
- Declan's got an idea.
968
00:55:23,230 --> 00:55:25,060
- We're going to try
tasing the dead dove.
969
00:55:25,060 --> 00:55:26,860
I'm only doing this
because I wanted to get out
970
00:55:26,860 --> 00:55:28,360
of the briefing room,
where everybody
971
00:55:28,360 --> 00:55:30,270
has a dove in their crotch.
972
00:55:30,270 --> 00:55:32,140
[breathes deeply]
973
00:55:33,640 --> 00:55:35,270
Really?
974
00:55:35,270 --> 00:55:37,110
- Is it stuck?
975
00:55:37,110 --> 00:55:38,780
- No.
976
00:55:38,780 --> 00:55:40,340
- I can help you with
that later, if you like.
977
00:55:40,340 --> 00:55:41,640
- I'm good.
978
00:55:41,640 --> 00:55:43,280
[taser clicking]
979
00:55:46,680 --> 00:55:48,420
- Ta-dah!
980
00:55:48,420 --> 00:55:50,750
- So we went
in the evidence room
981
00:55:50,750 --> 00:55:54,160
and got a little bit
of the white lady.
982
00:55:54,160 --> 00:55:56,830
- A little bit of, uh, yo-yo.
983
00:55:56,830 --> 00:55:59,530
- A little bit
of the white horse.
984
00:55:59,530 --> 00:56:02,000
- A little bit of that,
uh, Bea Arthur.
985
00:56:02,000 --> 00:56:03,200
[both chuckle]
986
00:56:03,200 --> 00:56:04,470
- Cocaine, if y'all don't know.
987
00:56:04,470 --> 00:56:05,640
We--we got some cocaine.
988
00:56:05,640 --> 00:56:07,700
- Uh, Cloris Leachman.
[laughs]
989
00:56:07,700 --> 00:56:09,170
- OK, OK.
990
00:56:09,170 --> 00:56:10,440
- Is that the nose?
991
00:56:10,440 --> 00:56:12,810
Here you go, little birdie.
992
00:56:12,810 --> 00:56:14,280
[humming]
993
00:56:14,280 --> 00:56:15,910
- OK, now, let me
make him snort it.
994
00:56:15,910 --> 00:56:17,650
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
995
00:56:19,080 --> 00:56:20,420
Oh!
996
00:56:25,560 --> 00:56:27,460
- Heard you guys gave
c--cocaine to the--
997
00:56:27,460 --> 00:56:29,530
- Yeah.
- Yeah, cool.
998
00:56:29,530 --> 00:56:31,060
This guy's coming along.
This guy's coming pretty good.
999
00:56:31,060 --> 00:56:32,130
- Is it happening?
1000
00:56:32,130 --> 00:56:33,460
- I think so, yeah.
1001
00:56:33,460 --> 00:56:35,430
- Jim, you want a little?
- I would. I would.
1002
00:56:35,430 --> 00:56:36,670
Are we talking about that,
or are we just doing it?
1003
00:56:36,670 --> 00:56:37,570
- Yeah. Yeah.
1004
00:56:37,570 --> 00:56:39,700
- [sniffs]
- Mm-hmm.
1005
00:56:39,700 --> 00:56:41,370
- - I think that helped.
I think that did help.
1006
00:56:41,370 --> 00:56:42,640
Oh, that definitely helped.
1007
00:56:42,640 --> 00:56:44,340
- You or the dove?
- Everybody.
1008
00:56:44,340 --> 00:56:45,880
Everybody. Everybody.
1009
00:56:45,880 --> 00:56:47,610
- A little of that
Barbara Bush.
1010
00:56:47,610 --> 00:56:48,580
[chuckles]
1011
00:56:48,580 --> 00:56:49,910
- Let it go.
- Yeah.
1012
00:56:49,910 --> 00:56:53,020
[sleigh bells jingling]
["Ode to Joy"]
1013
00:56:53,020 --> 00:56:54,550
♪ ♪
1014
00:57:03,030 --> 00:57:04,160
- ♪ Oh, the little
Junior Deputies ♪
1015
00:57:04,160 --> 00:57:05,260
♪ They came up to your knee ♪
1016
00:57:05,260 --> 00:57:06,330
♪ But how'd they turn out? ♪
1017
00:57:06,330 --> 00:57:08,530
♪ Take a look-y and see ♪
1018
00:57:08,530 --> 00:57:10,100
- Hey.
1019
00:57:10,100 --> 00:57:11,970
If you've got some loose
pocket change this holiday,
1020
00:57:11,970 --> 00:57:14,900
see how much change you can
really make by helping out
1021
00:57:14,900 --> 00:57:16,640
the Junior Deputies program
1022
00:57:16,640 --> 00:57:18,240
at the Reno
Sheriff's Department.
1023
00:57:18,240 --> 00:57:20,240
Like my little friend
Benjamin here,
1024
00:57:20,240 --> 00:57:23,680
who grew up right inside
the Reno Sheriff's Department.
1025
00:57:23,680 --> 00:57:26,380
Say hi to my little friend
Belphegor,
1026
00:57:26,380 --> 00:57:28,650
Demon God of Sloth.
1027
00:57:28,650 --> 00:57:30,350
- Hi. Yeah.
1028
00:57:31,720 --> 00:57:33,820
- Belphegor,
Demon God of Sloth spent
1029
00:57:33,820 --> 00:57:36,090
17 Christmases in a row
with us,
1030
00:57:36,090 --> 00:57:40,130
and thanks to your donations,
he's...
1031
00:57:40,130 --> 00:57:41,400
totally fine.
1032
00:57:41,400 --> 00:57:43,830
- I am also hell's ambassador
to France,
1033
00:57:43,830 --> 00:57:46,140
as described
by the poet Milton.
1034
00:57:46,140 --> 00:57:47,440
In my spare time,
1035
00:57:47,440 --> 00:57:49,170
I am the tempter
of witch hunters
1036
00:57:49,170 --> 00:57:51,840
with the promise of riches
and great discoveries
1037
00:57:51,840 --> 00:57:53,510
that will slip through
your fingers.
1038
00:57:53,510 --> 00:57:55,950
- And he touches everyone's
leftovers in the fridge
1039
00:57:55,950 --> 00:57:58,010
to gain power over them.
- Touché.
1040
00:57:58,010 --> 00:58:00,450
The hand of Belphegor
knows thy dirty deeds.
1041
00:58:00,450 --> 00:58:02,620
[speaking Latin]
1042
00:58:02,620 --> 00:58:03,990
[chuckles]
1043
00:58:03,990 --> 00:58:05,260
- Great.
1044
00:58:05,260 --> 00:58:06,990
- Mortals, won't you put
a little Christmas cheer
1045
00:58:06,990 --> 00:58:08,660
under the tree
for the boys and girls
1046
00:58:08,660 --> 00:58:10,290
of the Reno Junior Deputies?
1047
00:58:10,290 --> 00:58:13,030
Just pennies a day could
take an unwanted basket case
1048
00:58:13,030 --> 00:58:14,830
and turn them into me
1049
00:58:14,830 --> 00:58:17,330
or my fetching bride,
Freckles.
1050
00:58:17,330 --> 00:58:19,870
- [demonic growling]
1051
00:58:20,840 --> 00:58:23,140
Hail the Dark Lord.
1052
00:58:24,870 --> 00:58:26,480
- Truly amazing mom.
1053
00:58:26,480 --> 00:58:27,940
- ♪ Oh, the little
Junior Deputies ♪
1054
00:58:27,940 --> 00:58:29,310
♪ Were only just cubs ♪
1055
00:58:29,310 --> 00:58:30,980
♪ But now they're men
and women ♪
1056
00:58:30,980 --> 00:58:32,480
♪ Kind of like us ♪
1057
00:58:32,480 --> 00:58:35,590
[sleigh bells jingling]
["upbeat music"]
1058
00:58:35,590 --> 00:58:38,820
♪ ♪
1059
00:58:40,160 --> 00:58:42,330
- Well, the state of Nevada
is getting sued
1060
00:58:42,330 --> 00:58:44,960
because do-gooders
like these ones over here
1061
00:58:44,960 --> 00:58:47,260
have been wishing people
Merry Christmas
1062
00:58:47,260 --> 00:58:48,600
on state property.
1063
00:58:48,600 --> 00:58:49,930
You can't do that anymore.
1064
00:58:49,930 --> 00:58:52,200
- That is a clear violation
of the separation
1065
00:58:52,200 --> 00:58:54,300
of church and state,
so we go over there,
1066
00:58:54,300 --> 00:58:55,840
get them
to say Merry Christmas,
1067
00:58:55,840 --> 00:58:57,040
and we take them in.
1068
00:58:57,040 --> 00:58:58,680
- Check, check, check, check.
1069
00:58:58,680 --> 00:59:00,610
Ow!
1070
00:59:00,610 --> 00:59:02,480
Godspeed, you--shit!
1071
00:59:02,480 --> 00:59:03,950
- Unbelievable. Really.
1072
00:59:03,950 --> 00:59:05,320
- Break a leg.
1073
00:59:05,320 --> 00:59:06,680
- I've got a good backstory
for us.
1074
00:59:06,680 --> 00:59:07,950
- All right. Oh.
1075
00:59:07,950 --> 00:59:09,520
- Hello.
- Hello.
1076
00:59:09,520 --> 00:59:10,820
- Hi. Happy holidays.
1077
00:59:10,820 --> 00:59:11,890
- How you doing?
- Happy holidays.
1078
00:59:11,890 --> 00:59:13,060
- And also with you.
1079
00:59:13,060 --> 00:59:14,260
- Thank you so much.
1080
00:59:14,260 --> 00:59:16,160
- This is my second
husband, Jules.
1081
00:59:16,160 --> 00:59:17,990
We were having
an emotional affair,
1082
00:59:17,990 --> 00:59:20,260
and when we decided
to take it physical,
1083
00:59:20,260 --> 00:59:23,000
I asked my first husband
for a divorce.
1084
00:59:23,000 --> 00:59:25,070
And now we're very happy.
1085
00:59:26,040 --> 00:59:27,240
- Yep.
- Yeah.
1086
00:59:27,240 --> 00:59:29,270
- Due to
our Episcopalian faith,
1087
00:59:29,270 --> 00:59:30,870
we come in at this time
of year
1088
00:59:30,870 --> 00:59:32,810
to spend this special day
with our kids.
1089
00:59:32,810 --> 00:59:34,380
- Right. Specifically the 25th.
1090
00:59:34,380 --> 00:59:35,880
- The celebration.
- Yeah.
1091
00:59:35,880 --> 00:59:37,780
- Sure.
- So close to winter solstice.
1092
00:59:37,780 --> 00:59:39,120
- Yes.
- Right.
1093
00:59:39,120 --> 00:59:41,680
I'll come downstairs
dressed up
1094
00:59:41,680 --> 00:59:43,090
like Santa Claus.
- Yes.
1095
00:59:43,090 --> 00:59:45,920
- And I say, ho, ho, ho!
1096
00:59:45,920 --> 00:59:48,590
both: Happy holidays!
1097
00:59:48,590 --> 00:59:50,160
- No.
- Thank you so much.
1098
00:59:50,160 --> 00:59:51,460
- Thank you. Thank you.
1099
00:59:51,460 --> 00:59:52,700
Happy holidays.
1100
00:59:52,700 --> 00:59:54,800
- Oh, greetings to you.
- Yeah. Yeah.
1101
00:59:54,800 --> 00:59:56,270
This would mean so much to us.
1102
00:59:56,270 --> 00:59:57,930
We both have
early-onset Alzheimer's,
1103
00:59:57,930 --> 01:00:00,040
and it can be very upsetting
1104
01:00:00,040 --> 01:00:01,070
when we can't come up
with something
1105
01:00:01,070 --> 01:00:03,110
that's so, so obvious.
1106
01:00:03,110 --> 01:00:04,710
- I'll try.
- Here we go.
1107
01:00:04,710 --> 01:00:06,340
- ♪ We wish you a-- ♪
1108
01:00:06,340 --> 01:00:08,410
- ♪ Da-da-dup-bop ♪
What is it? What is it?
1109
01:00:08,410 --> 01:00:10,010
both: [vocalizing "We Wish
You a Merry Christmas"]
1110
01:00:10,010 --> 01:00:11,410
- No, no, no.
But what is it?
1111
01:00:11,410 --> 01:00:13,120
What are the words?
- Yeah, what are the words?
1112
01:00:13,120 --> 01:00:14,420
- Oh, my gosh,
I'm so bad with this.
1113
01:00:14,420 --> 01:00:15,920
Because I actually have
dyslexia,
1114
01:00:15,920 --> 01:00:17,250
but for song lyrics.
1115
01:00:17,250 --> 01:00:18,190
So I can't.
1116
01:00:18,190 --> 01:00:19,560
- Yeah, I prefer to karaoke.
1117
01:00:19,560 --> 01:00:20,790
I'm the same way.
- Yeah.
1118
01:00:20,790 --> 01:00:22,460
Thank you.
Happy fourth quarter.
1119
01:00:22,460 --> 01:00:23,490
- Season's greetings.
1120
01:00:23,490 --> 01:00:24,560
- Fourth quarter?
1121
01:00:24,560 --> 01:00:25,830
- Happy holidays.
1122
01:00:25,830 --> 01:00:27,060
What else could
you say right now?
1123
01:00:27,060 --> 01:00:29,370
- Hmm.
- Uh...
1124
01:00:29,370 --> 01:00:30,570
- Um...
1125
01:00:30,570 --> 01:00:32,170
- Would wish someone.
1126
01:00:32,170 --> 01:00:33,670
- I think I know where
you're going with this.
1127
01:00:33,670 --> 01:00:34,900
- Thank you.
- Uh-huh.
1128
01:00:34,900 --> 01:00:36,340
Uh-huh.
- And I don't know--
1129
01:00:36,340 --> 01:00:39,180
are you talking about the
anniversary of the execution
1130
01:00:39,180 --> 01:00:42,250
of Romanian dictator
Nicolas Ceausescu?
1131
01:00:42,250 --> 01:00:43,780
In 1989...
- Did this happen?
1132
01:00:43,780 --> 01:00:44,910
- During
the Romanian Revolution,
1133
01:00:44,910 --> 01:00:46,250
on December 25?
- You know what?
1134
01:00:46,250 --> 01:00:47,920
I think you two are blameless.
1135
01:00:47,920 --> 01:00:50,090
I'm sorry for taking
up your time, ma'am.
1136
01:00:50,090 --> 01:00:51,090
You're doing good work.
1137
01:00:51,090 --> 01:00:52,360
- Hey! What did you just say?
1138
01:00:52,360 --> 01:00:53,820
- Sorry for taking
up your time, ma'am.
1139
01:00:53,820 --> 01:00:56,490
- You just gendered me on
state property, motherfucker.
1140
01:00:56,490 --> 01:00:57,560
I'm a they!
1141
01:00:57,560 --> 01:00:59,030
- ACLU.
1142
01:00:59,030 --> 01:01:00,030
Put your hands
behind your back.
1143
01:01:00,030 --> 01:01:01,000
- OK. Wait a minute.
Hold on.
1144
01:01:01,000 --> 01:01:02,230
- Oh, come on. Hey. Hey.
1145
01:01:02,230 --> 01:01:03,570
- Put your hands
behind your back.
1146
01:01:03,570 --> 01:01:04,900
- In his defense,
he is very old.
1147
01:01:04,900 --> 01:01:06,800
I, for one,
am happy to be gendered.
1148
01:01:06,800 --> 01:01:08,040
I am a lady.
1149
01:01:08,040 --> 01:01:10,070
- And I'm a big
swinging dick man.
1150
01:01:10,070 --> 01:01:11,240
[cars honking]
1151
01:01:11,240 --> 01:01:12,310
- Everything's gonna be OK.
1152
01:01:12,310 --> 01:01:13,640
One, two, three, eyes on me.
1153
01:01:13,640 --> 01:01:15,450
One, two, three, eyes on me.
Look at me!
1154
01:01:15,450 --> 01:01:16,950
Look at me! OK.
1155
01:01:16,950 --> 01:01:18,110
Do not freak out!
1156
01:01:18,110 --> 01:01:19,680
Do not freak out on me!
1157
01:01:19,680 --> 01:01:21,120
Everything is going to be fine!
1158
01:01:21,120 --> 01:01:22,650
Things could be worse.
1159
01:01:22,650 --> 01:01:24,950
Have you ever heard of 'Nam?
1160
01:01:24,950 --> 01:01:26,790
I'm not sure what it is.
1161
01:01:26,790 --> 01:01:28,460
But I do know that
a lot of old men
1162
01:01:28,460 --> 01:01:30,930
are real pissed about it,
so it's like that.
1163
01:01:30,930 --> 01:01:32,700
We're going to keep
our shit together,
1164
01:01:32,700 --> 01:01:34,030
and we're not gonna--
see!
1165
01:01:34,030 --> 01:01:36,230
- Hello, children. Sir.
1166
01:01:36,230 --> 01:01:38,970
Look, we are so sorry that
you guys had to witness
1167
01:01:38,970 --> 01:01:42,110
that lady get run over
next to the bus.
1168
01:01:42,110 --> 01:01:44,610
She had an allergic reaction
to some chestnuts,
1169
01:01:44,610 --> 01:01:45,710
and she panicked.
1170
01:01:45,710 --> 01:01:46,740
- Super weird.
1171
01:01:46,740 --> 01:01:48,180
- And the other motorist--
1172
01:01:48,180 --> 01:01:51,310
also dead from the shock
of splattering that lady.
1173
01:01:51,310 --> 01:01:53,480
Don't let them look outside.
It's bad.
1174
01:01:53,480 --> 01:01:55,120
You got to keep them calm.
Keep them calm.
1175
01:01:55,120 --> 01:01:56,850
- [gasping]
- We got vultures.
1176
01:01:56,850 --> 01:01:58,050
Vultures.
[vultures screeching]
1177
01:01:58,050 --> 01:01:59,320
Code V. Code V. Keep them calm!
1178
01:01:59,320 --> 01:02:00,660
- Look at me!
Look at me!
1179
01:02:00,660 --> 01:02:01,820
One, two, three, eyes on me.
1180
01:02:01,820 --> 01:02:03,530
One, two, three.
They're just birds!
1181
01:02:03,530 --> 01:02:04,790
Everybody loves birds.
1182
01:02:04,790 --> 01:02:06,260
Merry Christmas!
1183
01:02:06,260 --> 01:02:07,200
Merry Christmas!
- Hold your attack!
1184
01:02:07,200 --> 01:02:08,230
- There's fucking birds.
1185
01:02:08,230 --> 01:02:09,530
Do not look out the window!
1186
01:02:09,530 --> 01:02:10,500
Oh, look what I have!
1187
01:02:10,500 --> 01:02:11,770
Look, look, look!
1188
01:02:11,770 --> 01:02:13,440
♪ Good King Wenceslas
looked out ♪
1189
01:02:13,440 --> 01:02:15,140
♪ On the Feast of Stephen ♪
- Oh, my God!
1190
01:02:15,140 --> 01:02:16,570
There's so much blood!
- Guys! Guys! Guys!
1191
01:02:16,570 --> 01:02:18,270
You're acting like
you've never seen birds before!
1192
01:02:18,270 --> 01:02:19,810
- Why are there so many?
1193
01:02:19,810 --> 01:02:23,710
- No one else will die today
'cause Jesus said it's so.
1194
01:02:23,710 --> 01:02:27,220
No one else will die
on my watch today!
1195
01:02:27,220 --> 01:02:28,890
- Oh, no. No. No, no.
1196
01:02:28,890 --> 01:02:30,120
Stay away from the bus driver.
1197
01:02:30,120 --> 01:02:31,290
Stay away from the bus driver!
1198
01:02:31,290 --> 01:02:33,290
- Oh, my God,
they're eating her face!
1199
01:02:33,290 --> 01:02:36,160
[sleigh bells jingling]
[mellow music]
1200
01:02:36,160 --> 01:02:41,930
♪ ♪
1201
01:02:41,930 --> 01:02:45,200
[indistinct radio chatter]
1202
01:02:45,200 --> 01:02:47,340
[microwave beeping]
[dove squelches]
1203
01:02:54,110 --> 01:02:56,380
- We have another microwave,
actually.
1204
01:02:56,380 --> 01:02:59,120
- You guys don't have to use
popcorn mode for everything.
1205
01:02:59,120 --> 01:03:00,780
- Ah, yes.
- OK?
1206
01:03:00,780 --> 01:03:03,020
Defrost, 50% power.
1207
01:03:03,020 --> 01:03:05,520
That's the secret.
- 50%.
1208
01:03:05,520 --> 01:03:06,660
- Three...
1209
01:03:06,660 --> 01:03:08,260
all: Two, one.
1210
01:03:08,260 --> 01:03:10,260
[microwave beeping]
1211
01:03:11,690 --> 01:03:13,160
- [gasps]
- [gasps]
1212
01:03:13,160 --> 01:03:14,600
[cheering]
1213
01:03:14,600 --> 01:03:16,070
- Oh, my gosh!
1214
01:03:16,070 --> 01:03:17,900
- Oh, hey, hey, hey.
1215
01:03:17,900 --> 01:03:19,470
- It's a Christmas miracle!
1216
01:03:19,470 --> 01:03:22,410
- We have 106 left to do, then.
1217
01:03:22,410 --> 01:03:23,970
- Yeah.
- We need more microwave.
1218
01:03:23,970 --> 01:03:25,070
- Yeah.
1219
01:03:25,070 --> 01:03:26,240
- Great idea.
[dove coos]
1220
01:03:26,240 --> 01:03:28,180
[cars honking]
1221
01:03:28,180 --> 01:03:29,680
[crashing, shattering]
- Oh!
1222
01:03:29,680 --> 01:03:32,850
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
1223
01:03:32,850 --> 01:03:34,820
- He's OK. He's OK.
1224
01:03:34,820 --> 01:03:35,850
See, he's OK!
1225
01:03:35,850 --> 01:03:37,050
[horn honking]
1226
01:03:37,050 --> 01:03:38,090
Everything's OK.
[cars crashing]
1227
01:03:38,090 --> 01:03:39,760
- Oh, my God.
1228
01:03:39,760 --> 01:03:40,760
Oh, my God.
1229
01:03:40,760 --> 01:03:43,690
[all screaming]
1230
01:03:48,930 --> 01:03:50,800
- OK. Children, children.
1231
01:03:50,800 --> 01:03:52,770
This is just the cycle
of life, all right?
1232
01:03:52,770 --> 01:03:54,840
The vultures are just
doing their job
1233
01:03:54,840 --> 01:03:55,870
eating those entrails.
1234
01:03:55,870 --> 01:03:57,010
- Yeah.
- All right?
1235
01:03:57,010 --> 01:03:58,140
I strangled a bunch of them,
1236
01:03:58,140 --> 01:03:59,240
and I think I got the alpha.
1237
01:03:59,240 --> 01:04:00,510
So we're going to be OK.
1238
01:04:00,510 --> 01:04:01,880
The alpha's dead,
and we should--
1239
01:04:01,880 --> 01:04:02,950
[vulture screeches]
1240
01:04:02,950 --> 01:04:04,210
OK. Alpha's still alive.
1241
01:04:04,210 --> 01:04:05,310
Alpha's still in play!
1242
01:04:05,310 --> 01:04:06,920
Alpha's still in play!
Alpha's still in play!
1243
01:04:06,920 --> 01:04:08,280
- We're not gonna get off
the bus,
1244
01:04:08,280 --> 01:04:10,520
'cause we don't want the alpha
to kill us, OK?
1245
01:04:10,520 --> 01:04:11,990
[car horn honks]
- Good, children!
1246
01:04:11,990 --> 01:04:13,620
Children! I've got the alpha!
1247
01:04:13,620 --> 01:04:15,460
[yelling]
[vulture screeches]
1248
01:04:15,460 --> 01:04:16,760
- Ahh!
- Keep your eyes away!
1249
01:04:16,760 --> 01:04:17,730
I think I got him!
1250
01:04:17,730 --> 01:04:18,790
I got him!
1251
01:04:19,900 --> 01:04:21,930
This is part of nature!
1252
01:04:21,930 --> 01:04:24,000
[grunting]
[upbeat music]
1253
01:04:24,000 --> 01:04:27,100
["Joy to the World" playing
over mall speakers]
1254
01:04:27,100 --> 01:04:30,170
- Jim Dangle's Christmas
pageant script.
1255
01:04:30,170 --> 01:04:35,750
Um, 190 pages.
1256
01:04:35,750 --> 01:04:37,980
But I got to give it to him,
three or four of those pages
1257
01:04:37,980 --> 01:04:39,120
are really, really good.
1258
01:04:39,120 --> 01:04:40,780
Solid.
1259
01:04:40,780 --> 01:04:42,180
Sondheim level.
1260
01:04:42,180 --> 01:04:45,290
- [screams]
1261
01:04:45,290 --> 01:04:48,090
- Ho, ho, ho!
1262
01:04:49,290 --> 01:04:52,500
Someone order one
Christmas miracle,
1263
01:04:52,500 --> 01:04:55,360
shipping and handling included?
[chuckles]
1264
01:04:55,360 --> 01:04:56,800
- I was so scared!
1265
01:04:56,800 --> 01:04:58,130
- Of course you were.
1266
01:04:58,130 --> 01:05:00,100
I had a stroke of genius,
1267
01:05:00,100 --> 01:05:02,040
which I very seldom do.
1268
01:05:02,040 --> 01:05:05,370
These bandits could never get
to your semi-precious nugget
1269
01:05:05,370 --> 01:05:08,110
if it's playing a "star"
1270
01:05:08,110 --> 01:05:10,910
--ing role in the pageant.
1271
01:05:10,910 --> 01:05:11,950
- Did it get Jesus?
1272
01:05:11,950 --> 01:05:13,380
Did my nugget get Jesus?
1273
01:05:13,380 --> 01:05:14,720
- I'm obviously playing Jesus.
1274
01:05:14,720 --> 01:05:16,790
Your nugget--
- Is playing--
1275
01:05:16,790 --> 01:05:18,050
- A star--
1276
01:05:18,050 --> 01:05:19,220
- The Wise Men--
- --ing role.
1277
01:05:19,220 --> 01:05:20,690
- All three Wise Men.
1278
01:05:20,690 --> 01:05:22,730
- No, that's--the
1279
01:05:22,730 --> 01:05:24,630
- The myrrh?
1280
01:05:24,630 --> 01:05:29,070
- Mr. Richnickie,
your semi-precious nugget
1281
01:05:29,070 --> 01:05:31,030
will be playing...
1282
01:05:31,030 --> 01:05:33,340
the Star of Bethlehem.
1283
01:05:33,340 --> 01:05:35,000
It's going to be right there...
- Mm.
1284
01:05:35,000 --> 01:05:37,740
- Underneath the entire
Reno Sheriff's Department
1285
01:05:37,740 --> 01:05:40,610
as we do our pageant,
safe as houses.
1286
01:05:40,610 --> 01:05:43,380
And as soon as it's midnight,
you're in the clear.
1287
01:05:43,380 --> 01:05:45,580
- Oh!
[both laugh]
1288
01:05:45,580 --> 01:05:47,250
It's hidden in plain sight.
1289
01:05:47,250 --> 01:05:50,390
[dramatic music]
1290
01:07:46,050 --> 01:07:49,120
[sleigh bells jingling]
[upbeat music]
1291
01:07:49,120 --> 01:07:51,360
♪ ♪
1292
01:07:51,360 --> 01:07:53,330
[helicopter whirring]
1293
01:07:53,330 --> 01:07:55,590
[traffic honking]
1294
01:07:55,590 --> 01:07:57,430
- Never get off the bus.
1295
01:07:57,430 --> 01:07:58,800
Never get--
1296
01:07:58,800 --> 01:08:00,800
- Oh, my God,
I have to talk to children?
1297
01:08:00,800 --> 01:08:02,500
- [whimpers]
- OK. OK.
1298
01:08:02,500 --> 01:08:04,200
OK. Hi.
1299
01:08:04,200 --> 01:08:05,970
Hi. I got this.
1300
01:08:05,970 --> 01:08:07,270
[chuckles]
1301
01:08:07,270 --> 01:08:08,870
Hello, children.
1302
01:08:08,870 --> 01:08:10,810
Two cars just collided, and--
1303
01:08:10,810 --> 01:08:12,550
I'm so sorry,
I can't lie to children.
1304
01:08:12,550 --> 01:08:14,450
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- OK, I got this.
1305
01:08:14,450 --> 01:08:18,520
A car collided with a trailer
full of petting zoo animals!
1306
01:08:18,520 --> 01:08:20,420
- Aw!
- [chuckles]
1307
01:08:20,420 --> 01:08:21,620
- Aw!
- But--but--but
1308
01:08:21,620 --> 01:08:23,260
the good news--
good news is the--
1309
01:08:23,260 --> 01:08:26,330
the screams you hear
are not human.
1310
01:08:26,330 --> 01:08:27,930
[high-pitched screaming]
1311
01:08:27,930 --> 01:08:31,160
They're the screams
of miniature horses.
1312
01:08:31,160 --> 01:08:34,170
They weren't adult horses, so--
- [chuckles]
1313
01:08:34,170 --> 01:08:36,600
Could have been worse, see?
Could've been worse.
1314
01:08:36,600 --> 01:08:39,240
- Oh, God, the horror!
1315
01:08:39,240 --> 01:08:41,010
Also, it's electrified
out there.
1316
01:08:41,010 --> 01:08:42,880
The helicopter cut
some power lines.
1317
01:08:42,880 --> 01:08:46,010
So be careful, unless you
have some rubber-soled shoes.
1318
01:08:46,010 --> 01:08:46,980
- Sure.
1319
01:08:46,980 --> 01:08:48,250
- Oh, no!
1320
01:08:48,250 --> 01:08:49,880
I hate this job!
1321
01:08:49,880 --> 01:08:51,950
- Also could be very slippery.
1322
01:08:51,950 --> 01:08:56,760
- Kenny Rogers.
- Kenny Rogers!
1323
01:08:56,760 --> 01:08:58,690
- Kenny Rogers.
- Kenny--uh-oh!
1324
01:08:58,690 --> 01:09:00,060
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
1325
01:09:00,060 --> 01:09:04,030
- Born 21 August, 1938,
Kenneth Donald Rogers,
1326
01:09:04,030 --> 01:09:06,070
known to his family
as Kenny Ray--
1327
01:09:06,070 --> 01:09:07,370
- Follow me, sir.
1328
01:09:07,370 --> 01:09:09,200
- [bleats]
1329
01:09:09,200 --> 01:09:10,440
Come on, Frank.
1330
01:09:10,440 --> 01:09:11,800
[bleating dramatically]
1331
01:09:11,800 --> 01:09:12,870
That's better.
1332
01:09:12,870 --> 01:09:14,240
- We're naked for 36 pages
1333
01:09:14,240 --> 01:09:15,610
at the end of this thing.
1334
01:09:15,610 --> 01:09:17,240
You know, Jim's got himself
a pump back there.
1335
01:09:17,240 --> 01:09:18,510
- Yeah, he loves that.
1336
01:09:18,510 --> 01:09:19,980
- Yeah, he fluffs himself
up for it,
1337
01:09:19,980 --> 01:09:21,710
and we've got to go out there
just with what we got.
1338
01:09:21,710 --> 01:09:23,220
I don't wanna do this.
1339
01:09:23,220 --> 01:09:26,350
- Full disclosure,
this does cost $38.
1340
01:09:26,350 --> 01:09:31,920
- But behold,
I seek only [mumbles].
1341
01:09:31,920 --> 01:09:34,730
For it is a young--young child.
1342
01:09:34,730 --> 01:09:36,430
[PA beeps]
- Did you have a busy day?
1343
01:09:36,430 --> 01:09:38,830
Are you behind on
your holiday shopping?
1344
01:09:38,830 --> 01:09:40,200
Don't worry.
1345
01:09:40,200 --> 01:09:42,100
The Sierra Nugget Mall
is now open
1346
01:09:42,100 --> 01:09:43,940
from 8:00 a.m.
to 10:00 p.m. daily
1347
01:09:43,940 --> 01:09:45,500
for your
holiday shopping needs.
1348
01:09:45,500 --> 01:09:47,370
- Places! Rehearsal's on.
1349
01:09:47,370 --> 01:09:49,340
Places for dress rehearsal,
everybody.
1350
01:09:49,340 --> 01:09:50,510
Places.
1351
01:09:50,510 --> 01:09:51,780
Places for dress.
- Fuck yeah.
1352
01:09:51,780 --> 01:09:53,450
Let's fucking do this shit.
1353
01:09:53,450 --> 01:09:56,450
[dramatic music]
1354
01:09:56,450 --> 01:09:59,450
♪ ♪
1355
01:09:59,450 --> 01:10:00,790
- Places!
1356
01:10:00,790 --> 01:10:01,850
- We're here, Jim.
1357
01:10:01,850 --> 01:10:03,060
- OK. So we're--
1358
01:10:03,060 --> 01:10:04,490
the orphans aren't in yet.
1359
01:10:04,490 --> 01:10:05,590
Lights are out, lights are out.
1360
01:10:05,590 --> 01:10:06,660
Smoke and mystery.
1361
01:10:06,660 --> 01:10:10,660
5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.
1362
01:10:10,660 --> 01:10:13,600
[dramatic electric guitar
playing]
1363
01:10:13,600 --> 01:10:18,370
♪ ♪
1364
01:10:18,370 --> 01:10:22,740
♪ Oh, this child born tonight
gonna freak us with his light ♪
1365
01:10:22,740 --> 01:10:26,750
♪ Gonna set the world to right
with his holy, holy groove ♪
1366
01:10:26,750 --> 01:10:30,680
♪ And the people start to move
as their bodies feel the news ♪
1367
01:10:30,680 --> 01:10:35,120
♪ That this little naked man
is the king of all the Jews ♪
1368
01:10:35,120 --> 01:10:36,660
Oh!
1369
01:10:36,660 --> 01:10:43,100
♪ Jesus Christ, guys ♪
1370
01:10:43,100 --> 01:10:44,560
all: ♪ Freaky, freaky, freak ♪
1371
01:10:44,560 --> 01:10:45,800
♪ Hey, Jesus freaking me ♪
1372
01:10:45,800 --> 01:10:47,070
- That's it.
1373
01:10:47,070 --> 01:10:48,470
all: ♪ Oh, freaky,
freaky, freak ♪
1374
01:10:48,470 --> 01:10:50,240
♪ Tiny man from Galilee ♪
1375
01:10:50,240 --> 01:10:51,670
- That's it, now.
1376
01:10:51,670 --> 01:10:53,040
all: ♪ Freaky, freaky, freak ♪
- That's it.
1377
01:10:53,040 --> 01:10:54,770
all: ♪ Jesus freaking me ♪
- Yeah.
1378
01:10:54,770 --> 01:10:56,480
- ♪ Oh, freaky, freaky, freak ♪
1379
01:10:56,480 --> 01:10:57,680
- Yeah.
1380
01:10:57,680 --> 01:11:00,110
all: ♪ Naked boy who died
for me ♪
1381
01:11:00,110 --> 01:11:02,480
- ♪ I'm gonna get scary ♪
1382
01:11:02,480 --> 01:11:06,050
♪ As Balthazar--
come on to center stage ♪
1383
01:11:06,050 --> 01:11:07,450
Balthazar to center stage.
- Yes, yes.
1384
01:11:07,450 --> 01:11:08,990
Yes, Jim. Yep.
1385
01:11:08,990 --> 01:11:10,320
- Little bit scary.
- Mm-hmm.
1386
01:11:10,320 --> 01:11:11,760
- I don't want to note you
to death,
1387
01:11:11,760 --> 01:11:14,530
but the last couple times
we did this,
1388
01:11:14,530 --> 01:11:15,790
you were just--you were behind.
1389
01:11:15,790 --> 01:11:17,000
You were late.
- I'm a little--I know.
1390
01:11:17,000 --> 01:11:18,160
- Late.
- I know, Jim.
1391
01:11:18,160 --> 01:11:19,570
- Let's not be late. Ready?
1392
01:11:19,570 --> 01:11:21,230
- Can we not embarrass me
in front of everyone?
1393
01:11:21,230 --> 01:11:22,470
- I don't think
I'm embarrassing you
1394
01:11:22,470 --> 01:11:23,800
in front of everyone.
1395
01:11:23,800 --> 01:11:24,740
Am I embarrassing him
in front of everyone?
1396
01:11:24,740 --> 01:11:25,770
- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.
1397
01:11:25,770 --> 01:11:27,010
- If you want to give me notes,
1398
01:11:27,010 --> 01:11:28,670
you take me
behind the Christmas tree.
1399
01:11:28,670 --> 01:11:29,980
- Who's Balthazar?
- Me.
1400
01:11:29,980 --> 01:11:31,510
- You are.
- Jones.
1401
01:11:31,510 --> 01:11:33,210
- Beautiful.
[PA beeps]
1402
01:11:33,210 --> 01:11:35,650
- Can I have your attention?
- Two, three, four--
1403
01:11:35,650 --> 01:11:38,120
- Will the mother of Lupita--
- Six, seven, eight, nine.
1404
01:11:38,120 --> 01:11:39,750
- Please come
to the lost and found?
1405
01:11:39,750 --> 01:11:41,250
[playing electric guitar]
1406
01:11:41,250 --> 01:11:42,920
Now.
1407
01:11:42,920 --> 01:11:45,660
- ♪ Who is this tiny man who
in the manger now is born? ♪
1408
01:11:45,660 --> 01:11:47,490
♪ And will he fill
the world with love ♪
1409
01:11:47,490 --> 01:11:49,360
♪ But also wear
a crown of thorns? ♪
1410
01:11:49,360 --> 01:11:52,830
♪ And if the Romans find a boy
who is so naked and so wise ♪
1411
01:11:52,830 --> 01:11:54,370
♪ Could he even now survive ♪
1412
01:11:54,370 --> 01:11:56,400
♪ Or would he [indistinct]
his demise? ♪
1413
01:11:56,400 --> 01:11:57,900
♪ And should we all
just run and flee ♪
1414
01:11:57,900 --> 01:11:59,240
♪ And bid adieu to Galilee? ♪
1415
01:11:59,240 --> 01:12:02,140
♪ But lo,
this little naked man ♪
1416
01:12:02,140 --> 01:12:03,980
♪ Yes, it's happening ♪
1417
01:12:03,980 --> 01:12:08,610
♪ I am a Jesus freak fan ♪
1418
01:12:08,610 --> 01:12:10,020
- Three, four.
1419
01:12:10,020 --> 01:12:11,650
- Yeah, that's the holidays
right there, right?
1420
01:12:11,650 --> 01:12:13,390
That's the holidays.
all: ♪ Jesus freaking me ♪
1421
01:12:13,390 --> 01:12:15,490
- That's it.
all: ♪ Freaky, freaky, freak ♪
1422
01:12:15,490 --> 01:12:17,920
♪ Tiny man from Galilee ♪
1423
01:12:17,920 --> 01:12:19,590
♪ Freaky, freaky, freak ♪
- That's right.
1424
01:12:19,590 --> 01:12:20,790
- ♪ Hey, Jesus freaking me ♪
1425
01:12:20,790 --> 01:12:22,060
- That's exactly it.
1426
01:12:22,060 --> 01:12:23,500
all: ♪ Oh, freaky,
freaky, freak ♪
1427
01:12:23,500 --> 01:12:26,330
♪ The naked boy
who died for me ♪
1428
01:12:26,330 --> 01:12:27,930
♪ ♪
1429
01:12:27,930 --> 01:12:30,200
- And then you're feeling
each other's bodies.
1430
01:12:30,200 --> 01:12:32,400
♪ ♪
1431
01:12:32,400 --> 01:12:34,540
Exploring bodies.
1432
01:12:34,540 --> 01:12:38,540
God, we've been given
these beautiful bodies.
1433
01:12:38,540 --> 01:12:41,080
OK, that was one one-thousandth
of the energy
1434
01:12:41,080 --> 01:12:43,180
I want on the day, OK?
- OK.
1435
01:12:43,180 --> 01:12:46,020
- Fun family show for
the fucking Junior Deputies,
1436
01:12:46,020 --> 01:12:49,150
some of whom are recovering
from crack problems, OK?
1437
01:12:49,150 --> 01:12:51,590
Let's pick it up at the--
we've arrived at the manger,
1438
01:12:51,590 --> 01:12:53,090
there's no room,
there's no room.
1439
01:12:53,090 --> 01:12:55,760
- [dramatically]
There's no room in the manger!
1440
01:12:55,760 --> 01:12:57,460
- You're not going to do it
like that, are you?
1441
01:12:57,460 --> 01:12:58,900
- I was.
1442
01:12:58,900 --> 01:13:00,500
- Can I see it a little bigger?
1443
01:13:00,500 --> 01:13:02,030
- [clears throat]
1444
01:13:02,030 --> 01:13:05,300
- [dramatically]
There's no room in the manger.
1445
01:13:05,300 --> 01:13:06,570
- See, that's why this
is a show.
1446
01:13:06,570 --> 01:13:08,510
That's why this is a show.
- That's it.
1447
01:13:08,510 --> 01:13:11,580
- [singing quietly]
[sirens blaring]
1448
01:13:11,580 --> 01:13:13,910
[gentle music]
1449
01:13:13,910 --> 01:13:16,950
[cars honking]
1450
01:13:19,650 --> 01:13:22,220
[electricity crackles]
1451
01:13:22,220 --> 01:13:24,990
[helicopter whirring]
1452
01:13:26,030 --> 01:13:28,390
[rumbling]
[whimpering]
1453
01:13:28,390 --> 01:13:29,800
[banging]
1454
01:13:29,800 --> 01:13:32,730
[heroic music]
1455
01:13:32,730 --> 01:13:35,100
[shouts]
- Fear not, little goyim.
1456
01:13:35,100 --> 01:13:37,500
Your rescue is at hand.
1457
01:13:38,670 --> 01:13:39,940
- Oh.
1458
01:13:42,070 --> 01:13:43,780
- Shalom, baby.
1459
01:13:43,780 --> 01:13:47,080
Hatzalah at your service.
1460
01:13:47,080 --> 01:13:51,320
We was, uh, circling
in the Black Hawk chopper.
1461
01:13:51,320 --> 01:13:53,250
We saw you were in distress.
1462
01:13:53,250 --> 01:13:56,490
We got here in two shakes
of a mule's bottom.
1463
01:13:56,490 --> 01:13:57,790
- Thank God you're here!
1464
01:13:57,790 --> 01:14:00,430
- We was, uh, doing
mitzvahing this week.
1465
01:14:00,430 --> 01:14:03,130
It's best way to celebrate
sixth night of Hanukkah.
1466
01:14:03,130 --> 01:14:05,100
- Oh, we were also just
1467
01:14:05,100 --> 01:14:06,770
celebrating Hanukkah.
- Great.
1468
01:14:06,770 --> 01:14:11,570
How about we tow this bus
to wherever it is you're going?
1469
01:14:11,570 --> 01:14:13,110
- Oh, thank you!
1470
01:14:13,110 --> 01:14:14,570
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.
1471
01:14:14,570 --> 01:14:15,810
It's forbidden.
1472
01:14:15,810 --> 01:14:16,940
- Thank you, at least,
for recognizing
1473
01:14:16,940 --> 01:14:19,080
that I am indeed a female.
1474
01:14:19,080 --> 01:14:21,110
- Of course! You are woman.
1475
01:14:21,110 --> 01:14:26,220
You are 100% filthy,
disgusting woman
1476
01:14:26,220 --> 01:14:30,020
that I would not schtup
through hole in two sheets.
1477
01:14:30,020 --> 01:14:31,220
- OK.
1478
01:14:31,220 --> 01:14:32,560
It's been a long day.
- OK.
1479
01:14:32,560 --> 01:14:33,830
Of course.
1480
01:14:33,830 --> 01:14:36,730
So who wants to be Jewish
like Ivanka Trump,
1481
01:14:36,730 --> 01:14:38,530
most beautiful woman in world?
1482
01:14:38,530 --> 01:14:40,030
OK. See me afterwards.
1483
01:14:40,030 --> 01:14:41,630
I have pamphlets.
- OK.
1484
01:14:41,630 --> 01:14:43,400
- Let's hook you up to tank--
- Yes.
1485
01:14:43,400 --> 01:14:45,100
And get you where you need
to go.
1486
01:14:45,100 --> 01:14:46,670
- Yes!
- Huh?
1487
01:14:46,670 --> 01:14:49,910
Hatzalah.
all: Hatzalah.
1488
01:14:49,910 --> 01:14:51,680
Just the boys. Hatzalah.
1489
01:14:51,680 --> 01:14:53,480
Good. Hatzalah.
1490
01:14:53,480 --> 01:14:55,010
- Just the girls.
- No, not the girls.
1491
01:14:55,010 --> 01:14:56,080
- Nope.
- --alah.
1492
01:14:56,080 --> 01:14:59,080
[festive music]
1493
01:14:59,080 --> 01:15:01,590
♪ ♪
1494
01:15:01,590 --> 01:15:05,020
- Even the animals in
the barn rejoiced at this--
1495
01:15:05,020 --> 01:15:06,530
- Hi, guys.
I got the Junior Deputies.
1496
01:15:06,530 --> 01:15:08,090
Everything is totally cool
and fine.
1497
01:15:08,090 --> 01:15:09,360
- What the hell
happened to you?
1498
01:15:09,360 --> 01:15:10,760
- Yeah, nothing!
Everything's fine.
1499
01:15:10,760 --> 01:15:11,960
I got the Junior Deputies here,
safe and sound.
1500
01:15:11,960 --> 01:15:13,230
Everybody's good.
Go, go, go!
1501
01:15:13,230 --> 01:15:14,700
You're fine. You're fine.
- Go. Great seats.
1502
01:15:14,700 --> 01:15:16,000
Great seats still available.
- Everybody's fine.
1503
01:15:16,000 --> 01:15:17,500
- Hurry, hurry, hurry.
1504
01:15:17,500 --> 01:15:20,140
- Enjoy the greatest story
ever told, Junior Deputies.
1505
01:15:20,140 --> 01:15:21,710
- You got to get dressed.
- Yes.
1506
01:15:21,710 --> 01:15:23,010
OK. Everything's fine.
1507
01:15:23,010 --> 01:15:24,380
Everything is good.
- OK, tighten up.
1508
01:15:24,380 --> 01:15:26,350
We're running about
90 minutes late,
1509
01:15:26,350 --> 01:15:27,650
but that's not going
to affect our energy.
1510
01:15:27,650 --> 01:15:29,080
- You're not going
to believe it!
1511
01:15:29,080 --> 01:15:33,350
We booked Inkeba Bathetois.
1512
01:15:33,350 --> 01:15:36,020
- Local meteorologist
Inkeba Bathetois?
1513
01:15:36,020 --> 01:15:37,720
- Yes, that very one.
1514
01:15:37,720 --> 01:15:39,220
But she can sing, too!
1515
01:15:39,220 --> 01:15:40,590
She's even better at singing
than
1516
01:15:40,590 --> 01:15:42,560
she is at predicting
cloud stuff!
1517
01:15:42,560 --> 01:15:44,100
- Mr. Richnickie,
stop talking for two seconds
1518
01:15:44,100 --> 01:15:45,430
before I punch you in the face.
1519
01:15:45,430 --> 01:15:47,100
I just want to make it clear.
1520
01:15:47,100 --> 01:15:48,630
She's going to go--
local meteorologist
1521
01:15:48,630 --> 01:15:51,370
Inkeba Bathetois is going
to go on right after us?
1522
01:15:51,370 --> 01:15:53,210
- Local meteorologist
Inkeba Bathetois,
1523
01:15:53,210 --> 01:15:54,840
and beautiful singer
Inkeba Bathetois--
1524
01:15:54,840 --> 01:15:56,180
- And Peabody Award winner.
1525
01:15:56,180 --> 01:15:57,740
- --is going on momentarily.
1526
01:15:57,740 --> 01:15:59,210
And everyone is very excited.
1527
01:15:59,210 --> 01:16:01,010
Also, she told me
to tell you not
1528
01:16:01,010 --> 01:16:02,510
to look her directly
in the face.
1529
01:16:02,510 --> 01:16:04,120
- Oh, sure.
- 'Cause she's very famous
1530
01:16:04,120 --> 01:16:05,150
and does not like that.
1531
01:16:05,150 --> 01:16:06,490
I'm going to go introduce her.
1532
01:16:06,490 --> 01:16:08,390
This is going to be so great!
I can't wait!
1533
01:16:08,390 --> 01:16:11,490
Also, your green room is now
her assistant's green room,
1534
01:16:11,490 --> 01:16:13,260
so you don't have
a green room no more.
1535
01:16:13,260 --> 01:16:14,830
I love you!
- Great.
1536
01:16:14,830 --> 01:16:16,800
Don't go in her green room.
- I got to focus on the text.
1537
01:16:16,800 --> 01:16:18,560
- It's going to be great.
Prayer, prayer, prayer.
1538
01:16:18,560 --> 01:16:23,870
Right now, it's Reno Sheriff's
Department versus the world.
1539
01:16:23,870 --> 01:16:25,340
The butterflies.
1540
01:16:25,340 --> 01:16:27,410
It's OK to throw up
before you go on.
1541
01:16:27,410 --> 01:16:30,280
It might even make
you look less bloated.
1542
01:16:30,280 --> 01:16:32,210
I'm not looking
at anybody specifically,
1543
01:16:32,210 --> 01:16:33,780
but if you need
to throw up before,
1544
01:16:33,780 --> 01:16:37,250
the butterflies are your friend
for definition.
1545
01:16:37,250 --> 01:16:42,150
Now, I know there's 150 pages
of the script
1546
01:16:42,150 --> 01:16:45,020
we didn't really get to,
or talk about, or block.
1547
01:16:45,020 --> 01:16:47,660
But greatest story ever told.
1548
01:16:47,660 --> 01:16:49,360
You're bringing
to the Christ child?
1549
01:16:49,360 --> 01:16:50,900
- Myrrh.
- And you're bringing?
1550
01:16:50,900 --> 01:16:51,930
- I bring gold.
1551
01:16:51,930 --> 01:16:53,670
- And Trudy is bringing?
1552
01:16:55,200 --> 01:16:58,470
- Well, I think I read
the email wrong.
1553
01:16:58,470 --> 01:16:59,710
- It's OK.
1554
01:16:59,710 --> 01:17:01,110
- I mean, it's kind
of the same story.
1555
01:17:01,110 --> 01:17:02,610
- Yeah, Jesus came back
to life.
1556
01:17:02,610 --> 01:17:04,480
- Huddle up.
Huddle up, everybody.
1557
01:17:04,480 --> 01:17:07,180
[dramatic acoustic music]
1558
01:17:07,180 --> 01:17:09,010
Are we the best actors
in the world?
1559
01:17:09,010 --> 01:17:10,150
- Yes.
- No.
1560
01:17:10,150 --> 01:17:11,520
- Oh.
1561
01:17:11,520 --> 01:17:13,990
- Those are literally
always British people.
1562
01:17:13,990 --> 01:17:15,790
But I think we got this.
1563
01:17:15,790 --> 01:17:18,220
- Ladies and gentlemen,
1564
01:17:18,220 --> 01:17:20,960
local meteorologist
1565
01:17:20,960 --> 01:17:26,370
Inkeba Bathetois!
1566
01:17:26,370 --> 01:17:28,000
[cheers and applause]
- Should be going on after us.
1567
01:17:28,000 --> 01:17:31,740
[acoustic guitar playing]
- ♪ Oh, holy night ♪
1568
01:17:31,740 --> 01:17:37,110
♪ The stars are
brightly shining ♪
1569
01:17:37,110 --> 01:17:39,710
♪ It is the night ♪
1570
01:17:39,710 --> 01:17:44,080
♪ Of our dear savior's birth ♪
1571
01:17:44,080 --> 01:17:46,080
♪ ♪
1572
01:17:46,080 --> 01:17:50,190
♪ Oh, night ♪
1573
01:17:50,190 --> 01:17:53,860
♪ Divine ♪
1574
01:17:53,860 --> 01:17:57,230
♪ Oh, night ♪
1575
01:17:57,230 --> 01:18:03,600
♪ Oh, night divine ♪
1576
01:18:03,600 --> 01:18:05,540
♪ ♪
1577
01:18:05,540 --> 01:18:07,970
- You know, she has
a Peabody Award.
1578
01:18:07,970 --> 01:18:11,880
- ♪ Oh, night divine ♪
1579
01:18:11,880 --> 01:18:14,610
[cheers and applause]
1580
01:18:16,710 --> 01:18:19,480
[sleigh bells jingling]
[upbeat music]
1581
01:18:19,480 --> 01:18:21,110
♪ ♪
1582
01:18:21,110 --> 01:18:22,910
[gong rings]
1583
01:18:22,910 --> 01:18:26,080
[soft dramatic music]
1584
01:18:26,080 --> 01:18:27,620
♪ ♪
1585
01:18:27,620 --> 01:18:29,090
- Behold.
1586
01:18:29,090 --> 01:18:30,550
Behold.
1587
01:18:30,550 --> 01:18:35,360
Behold, behold, behold
the greatest story ever told.
1588
01:18:35,360 --> 01:18:41,170
We now miraculously transform
the Sierra Nugget Mall
1589
01:18:41,170 --> 01:18:45,540
to the town of Bethlehem!
1590
01:18:45,540 --> 01:18:45,840
And now, Rome hath commanded
that a census be taken.
110893
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