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1
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DAVID: It's just been nice
to do something new.
2
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:05,960
MICHAEL: Yeah, must have been.
3
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I don't like resting on my laurels.
4
00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:11,160
No, you don't.
5
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I like to push myself,
6
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as you know.
7
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ANNOUNCEMENT IN JAPANESE
8
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Oh, I'm so sorry, am I keeping you?
9
00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:36,960
No, no, no, no. I'm...
10
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You know, we've just been at this
for a while now.
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Am I boring you?
12
00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:44,960
It's nearly midnight.
13
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Sleep in!
I can't. I have responsibilities.
14
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Like what?
15
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:52,160
Er, like Christmas trees,
16
00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:55,960
erm... family, love.
17
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,800
I want to tell you about my laurels.
18
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And I sincerely do wanna hear
about your laurels.
19
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It was an adventure.
Was it?
20
00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:05,960
I pushed myself.
21
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:08,960
Yeah, well, you are doing an advert
for cream cheese.
22
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But in Tokyo.
23
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And I drove a car.
24
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:18,960
Do they like cream cheese in Tokyo?
Not a fucking clue.
25
00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:20,960
I'm sure they will
when they see you drive a car.
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I'm spreading the word.
27
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MICHAEL SIGHS
28
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Oh, come on! Why are you in a mood?
29
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I'm not in a mood.
30
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I'm stuck in an airport!
Whose fault is that?
31
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I need distracting.
32
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:33,960
Buy a book.
33
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The shops aren't open yet.
Write a book.
34
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When do you board?
35
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:43,320
I don't know. There's a delay.
36
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,800
Hang on, have you dyed your hair?
37
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:48,960
No.
38
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:52,960
It's looking terribly lush
and youthful.
39
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:54,960
It's just the light in this room.
40
00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:57,960
Knock, knock.
41
00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:59,160
No.
42
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:00,960
Come on!
No.
43
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Come on, play with me.
No, play with yourself.
44
00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:05,960
Oh, saucy! What's the first rule
of improvisation?
45
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,960
Never say no.
46
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:09,480
Never say no.
Give me a location, go on.
47
00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:11,960
Erm, Tokyo airport?
48
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:12,960
Less specifically geographical.
49
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,960
An airport.
Give me a character.
50
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,960
Hyperactive Scottish actor
waiting for a plane.
51
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,480
Ooh, interesting.
Who's he talking to?
52
00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:22,960
Hestia, the god of patience.
53
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,800
Give me a genre.
54
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,960
Tired romance.
55
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Knock, knock.
56
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:33,960
Go away!
57
00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:35,640
THICK ACCENT: I've got
a parcel for you.
58
00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:36,960
I never ordered anything.
59
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,960
Label says, "Michael Sheen".
60
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:39,960
There's no Michael Sheen in here.
61
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,960
I think it's a big bottle
of hair dye.
62
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,960
Could you use it?
63
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:47,960
It's from a lovely lad,
name of David Tennant.
64
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,960
Never heard of her.
65
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:51,960
Oh, well,
shall I just leave it outside?
66
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:52,960
Erm, I couldn't give a fuck.
67
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,960
I tell you what, set fire to it
and throw it at a badger.
68
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:09,480
SIMON: I just need to talk to them.
69
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:10,960
LUCY: Isn't David still filming
in Japan?
70
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:13,960
Well, they've got phones in Japan
and in Wales.
71
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,960
Michael cocoons for Christmas.
72
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,960
How do you know
what Michael does for Christmas?
73
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:19,960
We talk all the time, to be honest.
74
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:21,960
What, you and Michael?
Yeah, and David.
75
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,960
But you're filming in the Caribbean.
76
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,960
Yeah, they've got phones here, too,
Simon.
77
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:28,640
How is it that everyone is filming
something except for me?
78
00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:30,000
They're just so good together,
aren't they?
79
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:32,640
Simon, I'm running out of time.
I'm meant to be on set.
80
00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:34,960
And I resent it.
Yeah, I won't be a minute.
81
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:36,960
But I can't ignore it.
I need to be in hair and make-up.
82
00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:38,960
Look, the networks don't want me.
Nobody wants me.
83
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,960
Of course they do.
Only if I've got David and Michael.
84
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:42,960
So, get David and Michael.
85
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,960
I need an idea.
What happened with the film?
86
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,960
It was only gonna happen
if I had David and Michael.
87
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:49,960
Oh! And they said no?
88
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:50,960
They thought about it.
89
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,960
And then?
Then they said no.
90
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:54,960
The miniseries?
The same.
91
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:56,960
The play in the West End?
David or Michael.
92
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,480
For Hedda Gabler?
I was shopping a bold concept.
93
00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:00,960
And David and Michael said...
94
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:02,320
Just went quiet this time.
95
00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:03,960
The pantomime?
They wanted Georgia.
96
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,960
As what?
Dick Whittington's cat.
97
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,960
And she said no?
She left me a very angry voicemail.
98
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:11,800
Oh, sorry.
99
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:13,640
It's all right.
It was nice to hear her voice.
100
00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:14,960
You need a new idea.
101
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,480
Been offered a radio play.
102
00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:17,800
Oh, of?
103
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,960
Six Characters
In Search Of An Author.
104
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,960
Hm. Do you want to do that?
105
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,960
No, I wanna write something!
106
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:26,960
They've said no to everything
you wrote since series two?
107
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,960
Comic Relief.
They said yes to Comic Relief.
108
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,320
You can't say no to Comic Relief.
It's like national service.
109
00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:33,000
Lucy?
Yeah. I've got to go.
110
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,960
But if I offer them something
and they say no again,
111
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:37,960
that's it, I'm toast.
I know.
112
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:39,000
Yeah, OK, I'm coming.
113
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:40,960
Oh, um...
114
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,960
Is there a version of this?
115
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:44,960
Is there a version of what?
Erm...
116
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,320
Our director says it
when he wants us to try something.
117
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:49,960
What do you mean?
118
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,960
It's disarming, you can't say no.
119
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,960
Is there a version of this
where we cover it in one shot?
120
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,800
Is there a version of this
where we talk less emotionally,
121
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,480
where we discuss
working together again?
122
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:03,960
Is there a version of this?
123
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:06,000
Lucy.
I'm coming!
124
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:07,960
Start with that,
and just see what they say.
125
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:09,960
Yes, sorry. Go. Great, thank you.
126
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:13,960
Bye-bye. Oh, er,
one more thing. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
127
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:15,960
So, they're not picking up
when I call,
128
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,160
so is there a version
129
00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:19,000
of this where you...?
130
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,320
SHE SIGHS
Seriously?
131
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:35,160
My co-star reminded me of you.
132
00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:38,960
Really?
Yeah.
133
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:40,960
Yeah, I mean, not you now you,
134
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:42,960
like, nowadays
grumpy old bastard you.
135
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:44,960
Not that you.
But you back in the day
136
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:46,960
when we first started
working together.
137
00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:49,960
How so?
138
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:51,000
You know, it was playful,
139
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:52,960
quick-witted, youthful, curious.
140
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:54,960
I made him laugh.
141
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:56,960
Remember when I used
to make you laugh?
142
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:57,960
Well, I was young.
143
00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:00,960
I laughed at glove puppets
and people falling over.
144
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,960
Yeah. We don't laugh any more.
145
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:04,960
We don't talk any more.
146
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,160
We're talking now.
147
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:09,480
Yeah, but only while we wait
for Lucy.
148
00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:11,960
MICHAEL SIGHS
We talked last night.
149
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,960
Yeah, but you were in a mood.
150
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:14,960
I was not in a mood.
151
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,000
All right, fine.
You weren't in a mood.
152
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,960
WHISPERS: But you were.
153
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,800
MICHAEL HUFFS
154
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,960
Prrr.... Think she's gonna be long?
155
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,960
I don't know.
156
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,960
Gonna go for a wee
before she joins us.
157
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,640
Oh, lovely. Thanks for that.
158
00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:40,960
You know, she never saw your Hamlet.
159
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:44,320
Neither did you.
No, I didn't. You're right.
160
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:47,800
I never wanna see another Hamlet
as long as I live, I don't think.
161
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,960
Once you know who done it, sort of
takes the joy out of it, doesn't it?
162
00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:51,960
Mind you, I love a bit of Columbo.
163
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,480
WHISPERS: Fuck off!
164
00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:56,960
No David?
No, he's in the toilet.
165
00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:58,960
Oh. Will you be long?
166
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,320
I wouldn't think so.
Come on, Christmas trees.
167
00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:04,320
TOILET FLUSHES
I don't wanna miss the tall ones.
168
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:06,000
He's always a double-flusher.
169
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,320
TOILET FLUSHES
And there we go.
170
00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:10,960
Ah.
171
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,960
Ah, Anna!
172
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:15,800
Hello, David.
173
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,960
Where are you?
Tokyo.
174
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:19,960
What happened?
Planes have been grounded.
175
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:21,960
Volcanic ash in the sky.
176
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:24,160
You're in a hotel?
Indefinitely.
177
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:26,480
Well, you can't miss
Georgia's birthday!
178
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:29,960
I mean, I have very little control
over this situation.
179
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,960
She'll be furious.
It is a volcano, you know.
180
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,320
Well, have you got her
a good present?
181
00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:35,960
I was gonna arrange a party.
182
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,800
What?
183
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:40,960
Have you done that before?
184
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:43,960
Well...
185
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:44,960
No.
186
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:46,960
But it can't be that difficult,
can it?
187
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,960
Will you say hi to Lucy for me?
188
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:51,800
I will.
OK.
189
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:52,960
Lycka till.
190
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:53,960
Shisha shill.
191
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,960
I always take the hotel art
off the wall.
192
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,960
Blandness frightens me.
193
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:02,160
I mean, if I were you,
I'd take down the mirrors.
194
00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:03,960
Like skimmed milk.
195
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:05,960
I always feel
like they might be haunted
196
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,960
by the ghost of the colour beige.
197
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:10,160
There's no such thing as bad art.
198
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:12,800
No, that's a popular misconception.
199
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:13,960
Hi, everyone!
200
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,960
Ah!
Ah, there she is.
201
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:17,800
Lucy.
202
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,000
David, are you still in Tokyo?
203
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:21,960
Oh, Lucy, thank you so much
for noticing.
204
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,960
What can we do for you?
205
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,320
It sounded important.
206
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:26,800
Yeah, well, erm...
207
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:27,960
'Ello, 'ello.
208
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:29,800
HE LAUGHS
209
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:31,160
David! Michael!
210
00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:33,960
I'm sorry, guys.
Oh...
211
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,960
Look, he's my brother, so...
212
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:37,960
Anyway, I'll leave you to it now.
213
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:38,960
Thanks, Lucy.
214
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:39,960
Thank you.
215
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:42,960
Oh, she's... Isn't she?
216
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:43,960
Just...
217
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:46,000
This is tiresome.
218
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,960
And I have missed you, too, Michael.
219
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:49,960
Why are you here?
220
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,960
Oh, just to catch up really.
Long time, no see.
221
00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:53,800
Have you lost weight?
222
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:54,960
Who?
223
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,960
Er, both of you. Either of you?
224
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,960
No!
Michael, your hair looks...
225
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:00,960
Er... younger.
226
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:02,960
Younger?
227
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:03,960
Er, darker, is what I mean.
228
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,960
It's just the light in the room.
229
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:06,960
It's just the light!
230
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:08,960
Isn't it just great to have
231
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,960
the old gang back together, hm?
232
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,960
Did you get Lucy to set this up?
233
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:15,960
No! Let's all say our favourite line
from Staged at the same time,
234
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:16,960
shall we? One, two, three.
235
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:18,960
Who stole the cookie
from the cookie jar?
236
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,640
Lucy said she needed to speak to us.
237
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:24,960
Yeah, she was having
"a career crisis".
238
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:25,960
Did you tell her to say that?
239
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:29,320
I... I told her
I wanted to speak to you.
240
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:30,960
Speak to our agents, Simon.
241
00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:32,960
Well, they're not returning
my calls.
242
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,160
Yeah, because they have your mugshot
on the wall of their office
243
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:38,320
with "Never answer the phone to
this fuckwit" written all over it.
244
00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:40,960
You said you were bored
of doing Staged.
245
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,960
Not bored, not bored.
246
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,800
You wanted to do different things.
247
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:45,960
Different things with you.
248
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,960
No, no, no.
You said you were bored of us. Yes.
249
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:51,960
Is there a version of this
conversation where we all calm down?
250
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,320
Yes.
251
00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:58,960
All right.
252
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:00,960
Is there a version
253
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,800
of this conversation
254
00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:04,960
where I am able to speak
255
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,320
uninterrupted...
256
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,160
..for a bit?
257
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:11,960
It's not impossible.
258
00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:14,800
It's not impossible, no.
OK, well...
259
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,960
Erm... er...
260
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:20,960
is there a version of... of...
of this...
261
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:25,960
..December where... we...?
262
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,960
Is there a version of December
263
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,960
where we all work together again?
264
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,480
There's always a version.
265
00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:37,960
There is a version, isn't there?
266
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,960
Something... something classical,
theatrical,
267
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:42,000
the old rat-a-tat-tat,
the old charm.
268
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,960
Look, David's in Tokyo.
Yeah.
269
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,960
Michael's buying a Christmas tree.
Yeah.
270
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:47,960
Is there a version, though,
271
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,960
that celebrates all that?
272
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,960
There's always a version.
There's always a version.
273
00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,800
I want to direct a radio play
274
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:01,480
of Six Characters
In Search Of An Author,
275
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:02,960
which can be rehearsed anywhere,
276
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,960
quickly and easily,
and then performed live
277
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:06,960
from anywhere in the world
on Christmas Eve,
278
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,960
and I'm wondering
if there's a version of December
279
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,960
where we all do that together
280
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,960
and it's wonderful.
281
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,480
TV PLAYS FAINTLY
282
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:25,960
Looks like they're hoping
the wind is gonna blow
283
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:27,800
the smoke cloud away to the north.
284
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:28,960
How long's that gonna take?
285
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:30,960
I mean, I don't really know.
It's all in Japanese.
286
00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:34,960
SHE SIGHS
Has anyone been hurt?
287
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,160
No, I don't think so.
288
00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:38,960
Then it needs a stern talking to.
289
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:43,480
Yeah, it's a six-mile high
column of ash, but...
290
00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:44,960
Well, that's no excuse
for petulance.
291
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,000
You'll be back for my birthday,
won't you?
292
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:48,960
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I hope so.
293
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:50,960
David!
294
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,000
I never even wanted you
to do this fucking job anyway.
295
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,960
I will move mountains, my darling.
296
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:59,960
OK, well, moving mountains seems
to be the cause of the problem.
297
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,960
Can you get a train or something?
298
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:03,960
Japan's an island.
299
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:05,960
I know it's an island.
I just miss you.
300
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:06,960
I miss you, too.
301
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:09,960
Do the kids miss me?
302
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:13,960
I dunno. I'll ask them.
Kids, do you miss Dad?
303
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:17,960
That's awkward.
304
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:21,960
I mean...
305
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:23,160
They're pining.
306
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:26,000
Mm. I like that picture on the wall.
Yeah, me too. Look.
307
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:27,960
Boobies!
308
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:30,960
Yeah, it's well lit.
309
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,640
And hung.
Hanged.
310
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,640
No, that's not how you say that.
311
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,960
Michael has an aversion
to hotel room art.
312
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,960
Course he does. Is he still...?
A grumpy bastard? Yes!
313
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:41,960
Sorry.
314
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,960
I think he misses me, too.
315
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:44,960
Probably.
316
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:46,000
There was a wee moment,
317
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:49,320
there was a little...
a little flash of the old magic.
318
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:52,960
We were talking to Simon...
Why were you talking to Simon?
319
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,960
Oh, he finagled his way
into this call with Lucy,
320
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,960
but just for a second,
321
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,640
it was like the old times.
322
00:12:58,640 --> 00:12:59,960
Zip, zap, bing, bong, whizz, wang...
323
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:02,960
OK, but why was Simon talking
to you?
324
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,960
He wanted to suggest something.
325
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,960
Oh, oh, did he?
Yeah.
326
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:10,960
Not a terrible idea, actually.
327
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,480
No? OK, tell me.
It's a radio version
328
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:15,960
of Six Characters
In Search Of An Author.
329
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:17,960
You can rehearse it anywhere,
then we all come together
330
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:19,960
to perform it live on Christmas Eve.
331
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,960
OK, yeah,
he burned that bridge, David.
332
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:24,640
I know. He just wanted to know
if there was a version of December
333
00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:26,320
where we all did that together,
that was all.
334
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,160
Did he ask like that?
Like what?
335
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:31,960
"Is there a version?"
336
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,960
I don't know. I think so, yeah.
337
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,000
Yeah, cos you don't use that phrase.
No.
338
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,960
Must've been Simon, then.
339
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,960
Yeah, OK. Well, he is
a pernicious little skunk.
340
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,320
Whoa! Why?
341
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:45,960
It's Machiavellian.
342
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,960
How is it Machiavellian?
343
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,960
Because you can't say no to it.
344
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:51,480
It removes all of the emotion.
345
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,960
People use it
when they wanna get their own way.
346
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:55,960
There's always a version
where this or that happens.
347
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,640
Doesn't mean it's the right one!
348
00:13:57,640 --> 00:13:58,960
You're being paranoid.
349
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:00,960
Oh, am I?
Yeah.
350
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:02,960
Am I? Let's see, shall we?
351
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,800
PHONE DIALS
352
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:07,960
'Hi, Georgia.'
353
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:09,480
Hi, Anna. Hi. Listen.
354
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:11,960
I am really looking forward
to seeing you this weekend.
355
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:15,960
I was just wondering, is there
a version where you come to ours?
356
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,960
'Why are you using that phrase?'
357
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:18,960
What phrase?
358
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:20,960
'You know what phrase.'
359
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:22,000
Just proving something to David.
360
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:24,960
'Don't mind-game me, Tennant.'
361
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:26,000
OK, see you this weekend.
362
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,960
'Is there a version
where I shove...?'
363
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,960
Simon is manipulating us?
Mm-hm.
364
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,960
I didn't think he had it in him.
365
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,800
WHISPERS: Little shit.
366
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,640
Everyone's very excited.
367
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:41,960
You've told them?
368
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,160
I have Team Staged
back together again.
369
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:45,960
We're very excited.
370
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:49,960
Yes, we've talked about it non-stop
since you brought it up.
371
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:50,960
No second thoughts, I hope?
None.
372
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:53,960
Not a single second thought.
373
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:54,960
Can I just say that I'm sorry
374
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,960
for what I said publicly
about us before?
375
00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:00,960
Don't worry about it. It's fine.
You wanted to branch out.
376
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,960
Yeah, I wanted to try something new
to show that I could do new things.
377
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:04,960
I was frustrated, OK.
378
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:06,640
Just everyone wanted you.
379
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:07,960
Water under the bridge.
380
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:11,960
I was afraid I'd burnt the bridge.
Well, the bridge is fine.
381
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:12,960
I wonder if there's a version
382
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:15,960
of this whole experience
where we end up as friends.
383
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:17,960
I wonder that, too.
384
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:19,960
A version where we're best friends.
385
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:21,800
Wouldn't that be nice?
386
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:23,960
I was just thinking before I got on
the call, I wonder
387
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:25,320
if there's a version
where we don't do
388
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:27,960
Six Characters In Search
Of An Author, we do something else.
389
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,160
Not Six Characters?
390
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:30,960
I'm just saying.
391
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:34,960
Is there a version where I write
something original for us?
392
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,960
Something original?
393
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,960
I like the idea.
There is a version, isn't there?
394
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:41,640
There's certainly a version.
But is there a version
395
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:44,960
where someone else writes it?
Mm.
396
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:49,960
Someone else?
397
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,960
Is there a version, Simon?
398
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,000
Who?
399
00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,800
Neil Gaiman, perhaps?
400
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:02,960
Neil Gaiman?!
Oh, no.
401
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,960
No.
Why not?
402
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,960
Because there's a version
where I never read his books,
403
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:09,960
and in that version,
I've kept that a secret for years.
404
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,960
I don't wanna chance
my luck any further.
405
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:13,320
You never read his books?
I'm saying
406
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,480
there's a version of reality
where I haven't.
407
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:16,960
Not even Good Omens?
408
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:18,960
I mean, I skimmed it.
409
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:20,960
He keeps sending us signed copies.
410
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:22,960
And there's a version
where I sell them on eBay.
411
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,960
Is there a version where I still
direct it, though, maybe?
412
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,960
Never mind Neil Gaiman.
What about Russell T Davies?
413
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:30,960
I'm sorry. There's a version
where I don't like Russell T Davies.
414
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,960
Why not?
Cos he doesn't like me.
415
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:35,960
Rubbish!
He never casts me.
416
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,960
Well, I mean, is there a version
where that doesn't matter
417
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,960
cos he's got loads of BAFTAs
and an OBE and shit?
418
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,960
But does he have
a British Comedy Award?
419
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,160
He's got that, too.
Disappointing.
420
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:45,960
He does not respect me.
421
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,960
He asked you to do
a bit from Under Milk Wood.
422
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,960
You can't swing a fucking cat
for people who've asked me
423
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:52,960
to do a bit from Under Milk Wood.
424
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,640
Is there a version where you stop
being so cantankerous?
425
00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,960
I'm not being cantankerous.
426
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,960
No, you've been snarky and cold
427
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:02,960
with me for weeks now,
428
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:03,960
and I reach out and I try,
429
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,320
and you brush me off.
430
00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:07,640
Well, is there a version
where you accept
431
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:09,960
that we have been working together
non-stop for two years
432
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:14,960
and I might not wanna spend
all my time with you all the time?
433
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:18,960
Is there a version
where I might want a change?
434
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,960
I don't know what to say.
Is there a version
435
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:29,960
where Simon's not the only one
who's bored of us?
436
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,960
I don't accept that version.
437
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,960
Can I just add
438
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:39,960
that I've already been paid for it
439
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:43,960
and... and have told them
that they'll have it
440
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:47,960
and they're expecting us
to do it on Christmas Eve,
441
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,960
so whatever we do,
442
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,320
there is a version
where we are doing it
443
00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:55,960
and that is the version.
444
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,960
We're in that version.
445
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:06,960
Honestly, guys,
I'm so flattered to be asked.
446
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:08,960
Well, it was David's idea.
447
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,960
You been busy?
448
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:12,960
Just finished a novel, a new one.
449
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:14,960
Ah!
Exciting!
450
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:16,960
Fantasy?
Not this time.
451
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,960
This one is a Nordic noir.
452
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,160
Well, that's new!
453
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:24,960
I thought it was time to, you know,
branch out, do some new things,
454
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,480
show I'm not just a one-trick pony.
455
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,960
You know, I'll send you both a copy.
456
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:31,960
Thank you.
457
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:32,960
Of course.
458
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,960
You know, guys, I just thought
459
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,960
you would have gone
to Russell T Davies for this.
460
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:38,800
Well, Michael's not a fan.
461
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:41,960
I mean, what does the T
even stand for?
462
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,960
It stands for Stephen.
No, that can't be right.
463
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,960
Yeah, it's Stephen Russell Davies.
464
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,960
Well, that makes no sense!
465
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:49,960
Does it feel
a bit pretentious to you?
466
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:51,960
Well, redundant for sure.
467
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:54,960
Yeah, like a kitschy sort of spleen.
468
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:56,960
Michael C Sheen.
469
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,960
David J Tennant.
470
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,960
Neil RM Gaiman.
471
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:03,960
Ooh, two initials!
472
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:04,960
Yeah, I added one.
473
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,960
Does that feel ostentatious?
474
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,960
Well, it worked
for George RR Martin.
475
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:10,960
Yeah...
476
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,960
We are not talking
about George RR Martin.
477
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,960
I don't wanna talk about it.
478
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:22,480
So, a radio play!
479
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,960
Yes, you know, something original
480
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:26,960
or an adaptation.
481
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,960
One of mine?
David?
482
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,960
No.
483
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:32,960
Oh, why not?
484
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,960
David, come on.
485
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:36,960
Which one's your favourite
of my books?
486
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:37,960
Mm.
487
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:40,160
I mean, they're all very good.
488
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:43,480
I just think this should be,
like, an old classic maybe,
489
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:44,960
something familiar.
490
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:46,960
Who's directing?
Simon.
491
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,960
So, something idiot-proof, then.
492
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,640
Yeah.
493
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:52,960
Hm. OK, I've got one.
494
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:55,800
Great Expectations,
495
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:59,960
but Miss Havisham's death is treated
as suspicious.
496
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,960
Hamlet. You both love Hamlet,
497
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:06,960
but this time,
he's a gloomy Danish cop
498
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,960
who realises that his father's death
was suspicious
499
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:14,800
and his mother...
ear poison murdered him.
500
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:16,960
Pride And Prejudice.
501
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:20,960
We open on a misty Nordic lake.
502
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,960
See, I don't know that this needs
the Nordic approach.
503
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,960
Michael, it's where the money is.
504
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:27,960
Everybody loves Nordic.
505
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:31,480
Yeah.
Tales of bitter Gothic vengeance.
506
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:32,960
Just right for Christmas.
507
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:36,640
Yeah, something festive maybe?
What about A Christmas Carol?
508
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:37,960
Oh!
509
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:41,960
Oh, that's brilliant!
David, I love it! That's the tits!
510
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:43,800
OK.
511
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,960
So, Marley is dead to begin with.
512
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:50,160
Only Scrooge is gonna find out
who did it.
513
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:53,960
It's gonna be Bob Cratchit,
last person you'd suspect.
514
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:56,960
Tiny Tim. Tiny Tim did it.
515
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:58,960
Everybody's gonna love it.
516
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:01,960
Yeah, I don't really think
that's the way to go.
517
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:03,960
OK. No, I see your point.
518
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:06,960
That makes a lot of sense. But...
519
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,960
Is there a version of this
520
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in which...?
Fuck you, Gaiman!
521
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