All language subtitles for Mr. Mayor -14- The Illusion of Choice.srt ENG

host of "Mayor Chat".
And the station told me
I have to quote,

"Help us justify
why you still have a show,"

so it's time for
a hip new segment I call

"Chet on the Sidewalk."

Angelenos are thought
to be kooks

who don't follow politics.

Let's put that to a test

with a new game
my wife told me to call

"What's Your Mayor's Name?"

Sir, for a dollar,
what's your mayor's name?

I don't really
follow politics.

I have a very rich
internal world.

You seem
politically informed.

For a dollar--
- "Yes" on Prop Four.

"No" on Five-B.
"Maybe" on Prop a Million.

The sun is a hoax!
- Oh, dear me.

Sir, what is your mayor's name?

Oh, uh, I know this.

It's--it's, uh--

I don't know
why I am panicking.

The Mayor of Los Angeles,

what is his name?
- Yeah!

Well that's gonna be
our whole day.

What is it?
It starts with an "N."

Neville. Kentelman?
Dan Kentelman?

This is an emergency.

People don't even know
who I am.

So what?
This isn't about you.

It's about the four million
human beings

and six-hundred-million possums
that live in Los Angeles.

Public image is important,
Arpi, and I should know--

Everyone, come quick!

He's gonna tell a story
about the billboard industry!

Well I'm not now.

And it was gonna be
a good one, too.

Look, I can't do my job if
nobody knows who I am, right?

I mean, I could be on TV making
an emergency announcement,

and everyone would just think

I'm the hot new doctor
on "Chicago Med."

We need to get
my face out there!

That sounds like
vanity talking.

No, Arpi, vanity sounds like,

"Hello and welcome
to my castle of mirrors!

"With this amulet,
I shall stay young forever!

Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Well, Mr. Mayor,
my first thought

would be to use
a social nudging program

to raise awareness.
- Nudging, of course.

I'll listen while
you explain that to Arpi.

It's social psychology.

The idea that small suggestions

can cause big changes
in behavior.

For example,
painting a fly on a urinal.

Oh, I give those little guys
the business.

That's exactly it, sir.

You think
you're making a choice

when really you're being nudged
to make less of a mess,

which, in turn,
reduces cleaning costs.

It's the illusion of choice.

Ugh, I can't tell if this
is fascist gobbledygook

or corporate doublespeak.
But, hey, why choose, right?

I'm just saying it works.

Look, I've actually been using
nudging around the office.

Mikaela is the only one
who uses the vanilla creamer,

so I just slapped
a little sticker of Jim Carrey

on the shelf behind it and--

Smoking!

James,
let's nudge some people.

Neil Bremer!

Your name is Neil Bremer.
Thank goodness!

Gosh, that camera,
it messed me up, man.

So, Jayden,
what am I looking at here?

This is where
the bad chairs go!

Fire!

Fire!

Okay, I can explain.
I'm a sleepwalker.

Ever since I went to
a show at the Magic Castle

and I heckled a hypnotist--

Jayden, that's not the part
that we're wondering about.

You can't sleep here, sir.
This is a city office.

You're just lucky I was there
to save your life.

Of course, I'll go
to Neverland with you!

Oh, hey, hey, hey!

Oh, Peter! Ugh!

Oh, that was you?

Oh, I think I--
- Kissed me?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Thank you, Officer Gutierrez.

We assure you
this will not happen again.

Hi.

Jayden, how many nights
have you done this?

Um, like four weeks, I think.

Oh, my God!

I thought you lived
with your mom.

I did, okay?

But she raised the rent to
$1,400 and 20 kisses a month.

And both prices are too steep,
okay? I'm not made of kisses.

- So rent an apartment.
- Or go on a reality show.

Everything is so expensive!

And "Big Brother" said
my application was too sad.

It's an LA tale
as old as time.

Don't sneak up
on people like that.

Not sneaking. Just tiny.

And Jayden has joined the ranks
of our city's working unhoused.

It's an all too common problem
exacerbated by stagnant wages

and a housing shortage.

Perhaps one of my friends
will take me in.

- No, no, no.
- Oh, hell no.

We'll help you find
an apartment.

Okay,
what are you looking for?

One bedroom, five baths,

walking distance
to a Peruvian bakery.

I like a low ceiling

'cause I like to jump up
and see if I can touch it.

Must allow large lizards,
in case I get one.

Every room needs a floor drain.
I spill. A lot.

Okay, you're not making this
any easier, buddy.

Yeah,
that's what my mom said.

The problem, low public
awareness of Mayor Bremer.

The goal, get his face
out there.

The solution.

Huh. Would you look at that.

It's a trash can.

This is nudging.

You know, you put a target
on a trash can,

it makes people use it.
Belgium had a lot of success

with trash cans
with Smurf faces on them.

Heady company, sir.

Arpi, care to give it a try?

I've got peanut shells
in my pocket.

Yeah, I can see people
liking that.

It's great, James.

But I couldn't help
but notice you have two more

of these things
with the sheets on them.

As much as I love that,
I probably

shouldn't make a decision
without seeing the options.

- Couldn't agree more.
- Okay.

Well, these are all the same.

Uh, no, actually,

the cans themselves
are different greens.

We've got mint green,
jade green, and jasper green.

We wanted to make sure
we got your input on that

before we roll out
the pilot program.

And this "pilot program,"

that would mean
how many of these things?

We'd start with
a couple dozen

just in and around City Hall.

That way we can
all watch them at work!

Smart! Pick a color, sir.

Not that it matters
really how they look, right?

This awareness campaign's
for the good of the city,

not anyone's ego.

I, uh, I really like
the jasper.

- Oh, this one's jasper, sir.
- I love it.

- Oh, my God.
- Did you see it?
- I got an apartment match!

Okay, it went on the market
two minutes ago,

and it's five minutes away.
You have a chance

if you leave now
and you run every light.

I don't know, it doesn't
have the floor drains.

In this market,
you won't find better. Go.

I'm gonna do
a Scooby Doo start

so I get there extra fast.

So after that,
you're attending

the LA River cleanup, where
they'd love for you

to drink just
a little cup of water.

What? No. Hey, easy! Easy!

Oh, you took that
like a champ, sir.

It's not me.
It's just a trash can.

Oh, hey,
are you kidding me, pal?

That gets its own bucket?

The important thing is that
my face is getting out there.

See? Even future voters

like that little--oh, jeez!
The smell just hit me.

Oh, what are they feeding
that baby?

Get in, quick.
Open the door.

Ugh, someone else
got the apartment?

No, it's still available.

- So you didn't like it?
- No. It's perfect.

Multiple skylights,
one bedroom, four bathrooms.

Legend has it the original
architect had dementia

so he just kept adding toilets.
And I hope you don't mind,

but I keep a monitor lizard
in the courtyard.

I have never minded
anything less!

I'll take it. - Oh,
wonderful!

What's your astrological sign?

What? Oh, um, Gemini.

Ah! Go!

You mustn't be here!

The landlord will only rent
to a Scorpio. And I'm a--

Obvious Pisces.

Ugh, better luck
next time, Jayden.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?

Not only is
this discrimination,

it's dumb discrimination
based on a pseudoscience.

So you agree, it's a science.

Jayden, this landlord
is illegally discriminating

against you
based on astrological sign.

No, we are going back there.

I hope you're happy.

Americans
overvalue happiness.

I hope I'm useful. What's up?

I hate the trash cans, okay?

I hate that they
have me on them.

I saw two pigeons
making love on my face, Arpi!

On my face!

If you don't
like the trash cans,

just cancel the program.

I can't do that.
James says I'm trending.

Teens have invented a game

where they throw
hot dogs in my mouth.

James says it's not sexual
but I don't believe him.

I don't get why
you let the pilot program

go ahead in the first place.
Why even pick a trash can?

Because all the choices
were trash cans, Arpi!

I had to pick--

oh, the illusion of choice.

See, he nudged me.
James nudged me!

Huh, I guess he did.

So nudge him back.
Trick him into thinking

we shouldn't do
the trash cans at all.

Trick James,
the Master of Nudge?

Oh, please.

James just slapped
a fresh coat of paint

on the oldest trick
in the book.

Nudging is the same as
"Great idea, sir."

It's when I say an idea,

wait for my superior
to bring it up again later,

and then compliment them
like it's their idea.

I also like "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

That's what you say to sound
like you're agreeing.

But if it's all you say,
the person you're talking to

has to start
filling the silence,

negotiating with his own idea

until he talks himself
out of it.

Yeah, I do that every time
Orly asks for a rabbit.

Oh, hey, what if we use
our old-school nudging

to get James to cancel
the trash can program?

Great idea, sir!

I know. Thank you.

Thanks for the
last-minute showing.

No problem at all.

I'm an Aquarius,
so I love meeting new souls.

I'm a Libra!
So the old "scales of balance."

It's why I'm the hero
of my own story

but also a victim. - And I
should mention,

we're only renting
to a Scorpio.

The complex has been
really out of balance,

and I'm just looking to restore

that fearless energy
to our collective.

I love that.

Interesting you say that, though,

because the Fair Housing Act
of 1968 says--

Says that I can't
discriminate

on the basis of race, color,
national origin,

familial history,
or disability.

Everything else is fair game.

People who wear beads
can go to law school.

I didn't. But I could.

- Huh.
- Yeah.

Thankfully,
the apartment's not for her.

It's for Jayden,
who is 100% Scorpio.

Because of the moon.

Ain't nothing but a moon thang!

Jai ho,
that's fantastic news.

I'll go get a pen and
an application from our Virgo!

What are you doing?

Jayden doesn't have
the raw animosity

to convincingly pass
as a Scorpio.

Wait, are Scorpios mean?

Guys, I'm Jayden.

I'm stone-cold Hufflepuff.
- You can do this, Jayden.

Just, like,
everyone you talk to

is the person
who canceled "Ducktales."

Expressing anger already.
Classic Scorpio.

You think you're so smart,
it's embarrassing!

You need to start
thinking about

what I want to do
with my Saturdays,

not steal my joy like some sort
of corporate Magica de Spell.

A true son of Mars!

Welcome to the building.

The laundry is in the basement,

and the dryers do not work.

Ass!

- As a thank you, I got doughnuts.
- What are you doing? You're a Scorpio now!

Scorpios don't bring doughnuts.

They take doughnuts,
or comment that other people

shouldn't be eating doughnuts!
- I thought I was only

supposed to be a Scorpio
at the apartment.

No, Jayden,
this is the zodiac

that we're talking about.

And Tommy can roll his eyes
all that he wants...

Oh, I can? Thank you!
Oh, brother!

You're attempting to be
the opposite of everything

that the stars
have dictated for your nature.

You can't go back and forth.
I don't want this to break you.

Okay, um, put these on.

The only people who wear
sunglasses indoors

are cool and mean.

Or grammies after
cataract surgery.

You stop thinking
like a Jayden!

If you want this apartment,

you gotta be the Scorpio.

'Sup, Leslie?

What's it like having a mom
that's not as pretty as my mom?

- You take that back.
- No.

- You wanted to see me, sir?
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

James, we're thrilled
with the trash can project.

It's a great first try.

"First try?" It's a home run.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But, of course, I'm sure
there's room for improvement.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Why don't the team and I
take a look first.

See what we can improve
before the citywide rollout.

Great idea, James.

Yeah.

Race you to the top,
dog breath!

Deal with it, dog breaths!

Suck eggs, person breath!

Scorpio! Scorpio! Scorpio!

I don't think
I did a good job

explaining to him
what a Scorpio is.

What, Nora? What?

This is the same
exact trash can!

Actually, sir, it's not.

Yes, the original trash cans

were pretty sticky on social.

But how exactly
were they trending?

"LA trash mouth."
"Garbage clown."

"Hotdog slut."
- That is definitely sexual.

- You think I don't know that?
- Now that is awareness, yes.

But it's not the message
we're looking for,

which is why
we've updated to 2.0.

Hi, I'm Mayor Neil Bremer.

Thank you for your trash.

Boy, that--that is something.

The original cans
had a fatal flaw.

They didn't identify you
as the mayor.

So we've corrected that error
with ten fun phrases

the team put together
using existing soundbites.

I'll finish it if you won't!
I'm Mayor Neil Bremer.

And it's all eco-friendly.

The speakers are solar-powered
and the electronics

are all recycled from that dump
that's all Furbys from 1998.

Your trash but my treasure!
I'm Mayor Neil Bremer.

- It's pretty great, huh?
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But--yeah.

Yeah?

Permission
to go citywide, sir?

Is there another choice?

Oh, sorry.
I was talking to the can.

Let's do this, LA!
I'm Mayor Neil Bremer.

- Jayden?
- Oh, sorry.

Do you ever get the feeling
that your real personality

is at the bottom of a deep pit,

and your fake personality
you've built

keeps building the walls
of the pit higher,

and you can't get out?

Only in high school
and college.

- Okay.
- Ugh, I told you,

forcing Jayden to be a Scorpio
was going to be too much.

He's clearly losing himself.

Yeah, I didn't mind switching
to black underpants

and calling everybody
"dog breath,"

but this Scorpio duty
is just too hard.

Wait, what's Scorpio duty?

It's when the building Scorpio

has to do the tasks that
the Aquarius landlord can't.

All right, my Scorpio king,

I need you
to evict the lady in 2A.

You might want to do it
while her son is at preschool.

Also, tell her I'll be keeping
her security deposit

because her wheelchair
ruined the carpet.

I would do it, but I'm coo!
You know?

No, she can't make you
evict other tenants.

She's not making me,
because as a Scorpio,

I should love to do it.

And if I don't love to do it,

then I'm apparently
not a Scorpio!

This is insane.

There has to be a law
somewhere against this.

No, Tommy, just let it go.

There's a ton of laws
about building code,

but no law about
being an LA weirdo.

You're right, there are a ton
of laws about building code.

And I'm gonna read every one

until I find out
which one she's breaking.

Because Aquarians hate rules!

To the City Hall Library!

Which is now completely online!

That's a big one! Nice shot!

But my treas--hey, I'll eat--
- Hey, hey!

What do you two
think you're doing?

Dude, have you seen these?

Yummy! I'll eat-- Your. But.

I'm. Filthy. Mayor Bremer.

My. Mouth. Loves. Trash?

Dude, you can make it say,
like, whatever!

It's called trash mouthing--
- Hey, you know what?

Oh, snap,
you're Mayor Bremer!

Oh, my God! Hotdog Slut!

When clean LA--
Nice shot! Yummy, yummy!

I'm Mayor Neil Bremer!

We gotta go.

Yummy!

Okay, sir, James told me
you were on board
with the branded
garbage cans, but--

wait, is this on a porn site?

"Mayor on mayor"
is a real kink?

I mean, no judgment.

Mean boy, coming through!

The cans are obviously
not working, Mikaela.

They just attract hooligans.

You know what I saw
when I watched that video, pal?

A clean street.

Oh! Jayden's right.

That block
is usually covered in trash.

I'm pretending
to be a Scorpio

for reasons you don't
need to know, but guess what?

I don't care that
you're butt-hurt about people

throwing garbage at your face!

They're using
the trash cans, man!

I'm so tired
of being like this.

Excuse me, Leaf?

Jayden, did you get that
Scorpio duty done

like we had communicated about?
- Uh, no, not yet.

Okay, Jayden, I mean,

let's do it
before her water breaks, okay?

Tell her, Jayden.

Jayden is not here right now.

Okay, Jayden's not a Scorpio,
he's a Pisces.

Oh, wow.

This is a violation
of your lease

and I need you to tell yourself
to move out.

You will lose your deposit.

Ugh, I hate doing this!

This is why I need a Scorpio!
- Oh, yeah, such a bummer.

I just find it so interesting
that, as an Aquarius,

you'd be such a stickler
for a rule like this.

Oh, well, rules protect
our vibe, you know?

Mm, yeah, but I noticed
you don't follow the rule

about having fire extinguishers
in every public hallway.

And what you have labeled
as an organic algae garden

is most definitely black mold.

Your aura is so vibrant
right now.

I need to capture this.

Let me go get my watercolors.

Great, and while you do that,

I'm gonna go ahead
and just write down

every building code violation
that I observe,

as an official representative
of the City of Los Angeles.

For real?

Oh, he's 100%
Taurus about this.

I'm really a Pisces!

Yeah, we told her
already, buddy.

Oh. - Listen, you can discriminate

based on astrological signs
all you want but...

I can shut down
your entire building.

Okay, fine!

I'm just a crappy
LA landlord.

My name is Arlene,
and I own a gun, okay?

I don't even believe
in astrology.

Then why do you
live like this?

I realized that when tenants
come to me with complaints,

I can just start babbling
about how I need to know

the exact time they were born

so I can chart
if we're compatible,

and then they'd go away,
and I never fix the AC.

How long have you been
doing this?

Since 1990

when I discovered
the character Leaf

in my Sunday show
at The Groundlings.

"SNL" may have passed
on old Arlene,

but she still found a way
to make a living

from her characters.

I also own a biker bar in WeHo

as Big Butch Betty Bodean.

- Oh, no.
- No.

It was a different time
in comedy.

Yeah.

So how much do you want
to go away?

I'm willing to look
the other way on this

if you fix all these violations

and you let Jayden stay.

At 500 less a month.

And I get to feed your lizard
whenever I want to.

Deal!

Whoa! Sorry.

That was the last
of the Scorpio leaving my body.

Okay, here's what we do
with the trash cans.

I have some friends
in the Teamsters Union

and they know
how to make things disappear.

Remember that guy
who was gonna host "Jeopardy"?

We're not getting
rid of them, Arpi.

I just approved
the citywide rollout.

Seriously? But--but--

Those stupid trash cans
are humiliating, yes,

but they're actually keeping
the streets cleaner.

And I didn't see it

until a very weird
Jayden pointed it out.

Because your face is fun
to throw trash at, of course!

I concede one point
to the I-Team.

All righty then!

Well, sir,

I'm glad you realized that
a city of four million people

is actually bigger
than your ego.

Well, thank you, Arpi.
That means--

it means a lot to me.

I am sorry, sir.

I saw your open mouth
and it was a reflex.

I'm gonna buy you
a can of shelled nuts.

Yes, you are.

Nudging works.

What a great. Episode.

Stay. Tuned. For.
Sexy. Cop. Trash.

- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!