All language subtitles for Abbott.Elementary.S02E09.720p.WEB.x265-MiNX

Has anyone seen the other
half of my tuna melt?

I was gonna eat it for dinner.

It's not in the
fridge? No. It was,

but now it's filled
with these eye masks?

Don't touch those. They're for my
next shipment for my customers.

Those bad boys stay cool
for 11 hours on the face.

And that's the Ava
"Cold-man" guarantee.

Well, where's my sandwich?

Over on the window sill with
the milk and the mayonnaise.

Oh.

How long has it been
sitting in the sun?

I don't know. I'm
not a weatherman.

Janine, I've told you my
Zimbabwe tapeworm story

enough times for you to
know not to eat that, right?

Jacob, you can just
say "tapeworm story."

We know where you were.

Well, good, 'cause it's
relevant to the story.

Hey, Ava!

Thanks for using all
the printer paper

- to make your dumb fliers.
- Don't thank me.

Thank the trees that
laid down their lives.

They're the heroes.

Ava Cold-man's Pop Out
Pop-Up: The Mask Stays On?

The hell even is this?
A-Another pyramid scheme?

It's only a scheme if you're
at the bottom of the pyramid,

and obviously... I'm a top.

They're for my launch party.
The future is eye masks.

The future is gonna
be unemployment

if you don't quit
scamming the school.

I mean, at least
replace the paper.

I had to print a test
for my kids for tomorrow.

All y'all do is
complain. Damn!

"Ava hogging the refrigerator.
Ava used all the printer paper.

Ava forgot to sign our
paychecks last week."

You forgot to sign
our paychecks?!

Yes! Why do I have
to say things twice?

Look, you teachers only have
one class to worry about.

I have a whole school. Do
you ever hear me complain?

Literally all the
time. And I deserve to.

My job is really hard.

I don't see any of y'all
trying to be principal!

You know what?

This is actually pretty good.

The sun heated it up for
me. Nature's microwave.

"Eye mask smelled like old
fridge and stale condiments,

but I'll still buy again."

Okay. I'll take that.

Ugh.

"Reduced puffiness."

I'm about to retire
from this bitch.

Ugh!

"Gave me freezer burn."

Must be user error.

What do you want? I'm
not doing jury duty.

Ava, it's Janine. Do you
not have my number saved?

Of course not. What if
I meet a better Janine?

Okay, look, I might
be a little bit late.

That tuna melt you left out,
it's, um, not sitting well.

Get to the point,
Janine. Wrap it up!

Oh, God. Please don't
do that with your phone.

Ohh.

Well, sounds like
you got it all out.

I'll see you in an
hour. Oh, no. Wait.

I think, um... I
think I might, uh...

I don't think I'm gonna
be able to come in today.

So dramatic. Next
time, start with that.

Look, I have a binder I
keep for subs. It has ev...

Venus, call in a sub
for Ms. Teagues' class.

Preferably male. 6'2
", 6'3" in boots.

A Gregory Eddie type.
Headshots if you got 'em.

Ava, there's a
county-wide sub shortage.

It was in the memo the
district sent last week.

What? I have no
record of that.

It says, "Attention
Principal Coleman.

Urgent. Must Read."
They all say that.

This one says you should
have a backup plan!

Well, I hope you have a backup
plan talking to me like that,

'cause you're fired.

She fires me once a week.

It's so quiet, you can hear
the fluorescent lights.

It is such a magical morning.

You could hear a wig drop. Hm.

Janine
has food poisoning!

Ah. And there it
is. That's it.

That's why it's so
quiet in here. Uh-huh.

I mean, that's so
sad about Janine.

I know.

Oh, hey, Tasha.

Hey. Just wanna sit here
and decompress, you know?

Rough ride in? No.

I just... you know, I
used to love sitting here

until a certain Cathy got a
little too chatty for my tastes.

Well. Well, "Cathy"
is a hilarious comic strip,

and Janine is a
hilarious coworker.

I think the word "hilarious"
is doing a lot of work

in that sentence.

Okay, guys, guys.

Janine puts gas in the
conversation tank, okay?

She... She starts
the dialogue engine.

Well, I like to live my
life by the acronym WAIT...

Why Am I Talking?

Yes.

Yeah!

See, I wish my boyfriend
lived by that during the game.

I'd quit chucking the
remote at his head.

What?

Hey, girl. I know the last
time you subbed at Abbott

somebody stole your Invisalign,
but we are desperate.

Can you come in?

I'm already here.

For Mr. Morton.

Then why am I using
my minutes on you?!

Get off the phone!
Teach your class!

Morning. Take
your jackets off.

I need to borrow Ashley
to sub for the day.

Oh, she's already covering
for Ms. McGuinness.

But I don't think Ashley
knows what geometry is.

I saw her in the hallway
with a bunch of rocks.

Agh!

Hey, I don't know your name,

but it looks like you don't
have a class right now,

so I'm gonna need you to
cover for Ms. Teagues.

Ava, that's my student.

I don't know what AAU
coach lied to you,

but this is a
grown-ass... Damn it!

Mr. Johnson, we need
you to sub again.

And this time, don't tell
them that there's a colony of

lizard people living
underneath the Denver Airport.

I thought we were
here to educate.

But I can't sub.
Janitorial emergency.

The
emergency is...

I don't feel like it right now.

I feel a lot better, actually.

Yeah, I've calmed
down the tuna sweats,

and I managed to get
my work clothes on.

Most of them.

I have never missed
a day of work.

Even when Tariq gave me
a migraine from playing

"Call of Duty" for 48 hours
straight, I still went in.

He said that if the
good guys do nothing,

then the terrorists win.

My kids have a
spelling test today.

It's gonna take a lot more than
a bacteria sandwich to stop me.

Okay. Stomach's just a
little bit rumbly still.

No. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no. Mnh.

Could you just turn the cameras
off for a little bit, please?

Thank you!

Okay. Red and yellow
make what color, class?

Hi, Trinity!

What are you doing out of class?

We have recess now.
Can Jason come play?

It's 8:30. Who said
you could have recess?

Janine, your kids are...

My eyes are up
here, Mr. Eddie.

I was expecting, uh...

I've played out this very
scenario in my head many times.

Okay, y'all. I get it.
Ms. Teagues is gone today,

and we are all very
excited about that,

but you have got to
stay in this room.

Other than that,
do whatever you do.

You don't bother me,
and I won't bother you.

Filling in for Ms. Teagues?

It's no Christopher
Wallace. No Biggie.

Can we have some stickers?

What do I care? Go nuts.

Need anything else,
ask each other.

It takes a village and whatnot.

Yes!

Why y'all following me?

That's the story time chair.

Well, now it's the chair I'm using
to hack into Chet Hanks' Instagram.

You know he don't have
two-step verification.

What about this book?

No! This one!

How about y'all read
whatever you want, alone?

Who is it?

Just create my contact.

Ugh. What do you want?

Look, Gregory texted that
you were covering for me,

but I'm pretty sure the
medicine is just making me

hallucinate that, right?

No, Janine, once again
I am your savior.

Your kids are acting
really weird, by the way.

They've been hanging
around you too much.

Listen to me very carefully.

In the bottom drawer of my desk

is a binder I made
in case I need a sub.

It has everything you need
to get through the day.

Just follow the
binder, Ava. Uh-huh.

And it's Friday, so you've gotta
give them their spelling test.

Promise me you will give
them that test, Ava.

Okay. I get it. If it
happens, it happens.

And if it doesn't, you'll
just do it when you get back.

No, no, no, no. They're
expecting it today.

They studied for it.
It's all printed out.

All you have to do is
help them through it.

Just remember, everything
you need is in the binder,

and you can just call
me if you need anything.

I don't have your number.

Ava...

So, I just gave
up on finding it.

It's not my problem.
Amen to that.

Even the good Lord rested
on the seventh day.

And you know what?
Giving up is underrated.

Tanking is how the
Sixers got Joel Embiid.

Ow!

Of course
our coffee maker leaks.

You know, if Janine was here,

she would not only
fix that coffee maker,

she'd give you
aloe for the burn.

Yeah, and then we'd
have to have 17 meetings

so we could discuss how
getting burnt made us feel.

Hm!

And then, before
she'd fix the problem,

she would find five
more... and make it worse.

Yes.

Wow, excuse her for
reaching for solutions.

Ah. Here's my solution...

Sounds like a
Mr. Johnson problem.

This girl gets it.

Tasha, we were thinking about
going out for lunch today.

Would you like to join us?

Uh, okay.

Alright, then.

I don't like it.

She comes in here. She
sits in Janine's spot.

I mean, that's just,
like, spitting in the face

of teacher code.

Oh, and then, all of a sudden,

they have room for
a third at lunch?

Do you know how many
times they've told Janine

that their restaurant refuses
to seat tables of three?

"First of all, good morning."

Ugh. Shut up, Janine.

"Step one, write the
date on the board."

And get my hands all chalky? No.

"Step two, turn on the lights."

Now, what kind of idiot wouldn't
immediately turn on the...

Oh, yeah. I
was just about to do that.

Now, I was the last one in
here, so that was on y'all.

Okay. "Step three.

Play this DVD"?

Where the hell she get
this from? Blockbuster?

Hi, students. It's
me, Ms. Teagues.

And if you're watching this,
it means it's too late for me.

To come in today.

Nobody wants to see
some creepy ghost Janine

crawl through that screen.

Good Lord, Janine.

No wonder you ain't got
no friends.

Boring.

Not gonna do
that. That's dumb.

Oh! Here we go.

"Step eight,

play my creativity
mix while they draw."

Now, music I can get with.
But not these Kidz Bop beats.

Alright, kids, time to
take your spelling test.

We didn't finish story time!

You didn't even write
the date on the board!

Why do you need
to know the date?

You got a meeting later?
Use your imagination.

Just take the test.

I am never having kids.

Uh, a-alright, now, um,

everybody turn to the other
side of your math sheets.

Mr. Eddie! I can't
even hear myself think!

Yeah.

Damn. More frostbite
face? That's not good.

Ava, can you turn
the music down?

Wait. It's the hook.

Now run along. My kids
are taking a test.

Oh, so you're actually
doing the lesson plan?

Of course I am. And I'm
making it look effortless.

Why'd you draw the
Babadook? That's my mom!

You weren't supposed to draw at
all. Why didn't you take the test?

You played music. Music
means we get to draw.

Ms. Teagues says music
enhances crea-divity.

Looks effortless.

Who's watching your
kids, Mr. Eddie?

When is Ms. Teagues
coming back?

Yeah, I miss Ms. Teagues.

Well, Ms. Teagues
thought a soggy tuna melt

was more important than
you, so you got an upgrade.

You're not good at this.

You know what? I
don't need this.

Insidious, you got Ms.
Teagues' phone number?

I took some medicine.

Imodium...

melatonin...

Pepto...

Bismol...

and something Erika
brought back from Mexico.

And I'm feeling better already.

I'm pretty sure "Space Jam" was
based on a true story, though,

and they just don't
want you to know.

Mmm!

I said it's non-refundable!

You need to get your
ears and eyes checked.

Uh, Ava, what are you doing?

Damage control. My eye
masks are giving people

freezer burn, and they're
leaving bad reviews.

And you're just
ditching Janine's class?

I'm not ditching.
I'm pivoting.

Besides, those
kids are unhinged.

I'm done with teaching.
Time to throw in the towel.

And I'm the towel.

I'm your sub, Mr. Johnson.

Have any of you ever
flown into Denver Airport?

Or have a fondness for
lizards the size of humans?

Anybody?

- S-So you're just quitting?
- Go on, now.

Quitting? This class
isn't my problem.

Did you at least get them
to retake their tests?

Who cares? They can take it
on Monday. It's just one day.

Ava, that's what I
thought when I was a sub,

that just one day wouldn't
matter, but it does.

Janine works really hard to
prepare them for these tests.

And it's important that the
kids see their progress, okay?

They're second graders.
Every day matters in school.

If not, they'll
just fall behind.

Well, falling behind is great.

You get to walk at your own pace

and talk and nobody's
shushing you.

Did you at least do
everything in the binder?

Damn. You know about her
little nerd binder, too?

Parts of it. Some
of it was dumb.

Like putting the
date on the board.

You didn't put the
date on the board?

It's the start of their routine.
No wonder they're unmoored.

Stop using fake words.

Ava, the date is how
they start every day.

It's important.
It's a process.

There's a reason why
we build a routine.

Each step builds upon the last.

Like a Beyoncé playlist. Sure.

You wouldn't put "Love on Top"
in front of "Church Girl."

Look, we work really hard
to build a curriculum,

and I know it's boring,
but tomorrow you can get

right back to making TikToks or
whatever else it is that you do.

But today we need your help.

They just need you for
a few more hours...

and for you to follow everything
that's in that binder.

I hear what you're saying.
I just have one question.

Mm-hmm.

Does school end
at 2:30 or 3:00?

Let's be safe and say 3:00.

Where are you going? Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

Why build an airport
25 miles from the city

if you aren't trying
to hide anything?

Alright, Man in Black,
I'm tappin' back in.

Now go home and tell your
parents what I taught you, kids.

It starts with you.

Okay,
class. Let's do this.

"Step one, date on board."

Why can't you just look at
your phones like normal people?

Alright.

Alright.

Come on. What are y'all doing?
Get over here. It's story time.

Amelia Bedelia? Who
wants to read about

an annoying woman that can't
follow simple instructions?

I'm not Ms. Teagues. If you
have something mean to say,

just say it.

What about Eloise?

That little girl at
the New York Plaza?

She's alright, but I got some
real Plaza stories for you.

You ever heard of
Ghostface Killah?

So, it's me and Redman.
It's nineteen ninety...

You know what? Let's save
that for another time.

Who's ready for story time?!

Come on, y'all. This
ain't some white concert.

Make some noise!

Yay!

Yes!

Alright, then.
Let's get into it.

Okay. Maybe the
binder isn't so dumb.

I really wanted to hear
the Ghostface story.

Ooh, look at us,

sneaking out in between
periods to get coffee.

- Tasha, you're on lookout.
- Yeah.

Ants! Oh!

Oh, and their tiny
little caffeinated bodies

are headed straight
for the refrigerator.

We can't lose the fridge,
Barb! We can't lose the fridge!

Wow. Yeah. This is a bummer.

Uh, but I don't know.

Nothing we can do
about it, right?

Well, I'm out.

Wh...

It's okay. You can say
it.

You wish Janine was here.

To do something about it.

"I absolutely love the Plaza."

Whew. That little girl's wild.

You got a dog and a
turtle? That's crazy.

Alright. Who's ready
for that spelling test?

I know that little nerd is.

Oh, dang.

I forgot they had your little
demon markings on them.

I'm gonna have to
print some new ones.

Spell in your heads.
I'll be right back.

The colors of
the rainbow in order.

Hold on.

Well, that didn't
last long. Shut up.

I need you to watch my
class for five minutes.

Five minutes or
five "Ava" minutes?

Stop flirting with me.

Out of paper?

Come on! Who used
all the paper?!

Y'all gettin' this? Most
selfless person alive here.

Ms. Cold-man? Is this you?

Unless you got $14.95 and
you want the luxury of a spa

in the comfort of your
home, flip that over.

Okay, so it looks like you
guys are supposed to spell out

what's in these
pictures, so... go ahead.

Ms. Principal? I don't know
what this is a picture of.

That's a bee.

Like... the letter?

No. Like a bee. Bzz-bzz.

Can't spell a word
with just one letter.

What about "A"? What about it?

Let's sound it out.

What other letters
can go after beeee?

Oh! "B."

Happy Monday, everyone!

Oh. Hey. How you feeling?

Oh. I am good now,
but Friday was gross.

Mm. Well, here. It's
got electrolytes in it.

It's good to stay hydrated
while you're recovering.

Oh.

I'm glad you're okay. Thanks.

Whew! It is good to be back.

Yeah, it's good to
have you back, kid.

Thank you. Mm-hmm.

And we missed you.

And your... infectious energy.

Wow. Getting food poisoning
was totally worth it.

I think I'll start ordering
my chicken medium rare.

Oh, my
goodness, Tasha!

I have not seen you in so long!

Can I join you?

I'm all done.

Okay. I'll see you again soon.

Nothing good can last.

Guys, how long has the
coffee maker been broken?

- Oh.
- Oh.

I mean, I'm gone for one day,

and this happens.

Don't worry. I will fix it.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, what happened to
all the eye masks?

Eye-mask game took a turn.

If anybody asks, I have
never heard of Ava Cold-man

or any burns that her eye masks

may or may not have
allegedly caused.

Well, thank you for
covering for me, Ava.

Did everything go okay?

Oh, yeah. It was easy as hell.

I don't know why y'all
teachers whine so much.

Taking these to storage, Ava.
We're swimming in printer paper.

Did you order those for us?

Don't look at me like that.

We were short, so
I got some more.

Acting like I'm not the most
responsible one in here.

Oh, and the city called.
They're gonna turn off the power

in the gym so they can
fix the fire alarm.

It was in a memo. That's
short for "memorization."

So you guys should
remember that.

Hm.

Hm. No.

Just helping out a little.

Don't read too much into
it. It was mostly for me.

Just making sure I am never
put in that position again.

Substitute teaching. Yet
another doomsday scenario

Young Ava is prepped for!

What do you need?

We need to talk about
one of your products.

Ugh! Uh...

W-W-What product are
you referring to?

Ava!

Can you at least just reimburse
me for my topical gel?

I think you'll find that
the corporation responsible

for your...
unfortunate situation

has since been dissolved.

You're lucky I don't report
your little thievery.

Now get out!

Captions by VITAC...