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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,044 --> 00:00:03,264 Previously on "Reginald the Vampire"... 2 00:00:03,351 --> 00:00:04,352 What's your story? 3 00:00:04,439 --> 00:00:05,744 I let down and hurt 4 00:00:05,831 --> 00:00:07,616 anyone who's ever meant anything to me. 5 00:00:07,703 --> 00:00:09,574 You lied to me. You could have been brave. 6 00:00:09,661 --> 00:00:12,273 Instead, you chose deception. 7 00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:14,405 - Welcome to the Slushy Shack. - You're alive. 8 00:00:14,492 --> 00:00:16,929 I was your friend, and you made me your meal plan. 9 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,757 You try being a vampire and see how that goes. 10 00:00:18,844 --> 00:00:21,064 You did those things because you're an asshole. 11 00:00:21,151 --> 00:00:22,805 I want you to make me human again. 12 00:00:22,892 --> 00:00:24,676 Now, I'm the closest thing to a god as they come, 13 00:00:24,763 --> 00:00:27,027 but that request you're asking is way above my pay grade. 14 00:00:27,114 --> 00:00:28,593 I'm ready to go home, Maurice. 15 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:30,117 We're probably both could end up dead. 16 00:00:30,204 --> 00:00:32,206 I'll think of something. It's what I do. 17 00:00:38,342 --> 00:00:39,648 We're shorthanded again tomorrow. 18 00:00:39,735 --> 00:00:40,823 Would you mind working a double? 19 00:00:40,910 --> 00:00:42,346 I'm already doing a double. 20 00:00:42,433 --> 00:00:43,695 Like, currently, during this very conversation, 21 00:00:43,782 --> 00:00:46,046 I'm on my second consecutive shift. 22 00:00:46,133 --> 00:00:47,438 Can you do another shift? 23 00:00:47,525 --> 00:00:49,440 I've got plans. 24 00:00:49,527 --> 00:00:51,573 Um, vampire hunting isn't plans. 25 00:00:51,660 --> 00:00:52,965 It's not hunting. It's sleuthing. 26 00:00:54,097 --> 00:00:55,751 Enjoy your slushy. 27 00:00:55,838 --> 00:00:57,231 Make the new guy do it. 28 00:00:57,318 --> 00:00:58,797 There is no new guy. 29 00:00:58,884 --> 00:01:00,103 And trying to prove that monsters exist 30 00:01:00,190 --> 00:01:02,366 isn't sleuthing. It's delusional. 31 00:01:02,453 --> 00:01:04,107 There's really no new guy? 32 00:01:04,194 --> 00:01:06,022 I could swear you did an interview this morning. 33 00:01:06,109 --> 00:01:07,937 Yeah, I did two. 34 00:01:08,024 --> 00:01:09,852 Should I hire the influencer who's available 35 00:01:09,939 --> 00:01:11,680 for three hours every second Thursday, 36 00:01:11,767 --> 00:01:13,290 or the 42-year-old who said, 37 00:01:13,377 --> 00:01:15,640 and I quote, "Maybe I could supervise." 38 00:01:15,727 --> 00:01:17,077 Ugh. 39 00:01:20,254 --> 00:01:22,995 They called Galileo delusional, and he was right. 40 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:25,085 Did you know Galileo was his first name? 41 00:01:25,172 --> 00:01:26,390 In case you didn't, now you do. 42 00:01:26,477 --> 00:01:28,218 Ash, please. 43 00:01:28,305 --> 00:01:30,307 I know that you've been working a ton lately, 44 00:01:30,394 --> 00:01:33,267 but Reginald's gone and Todd-- 45 00:01:33,354 --> 00:01:35,095 Yeah, I guess sleuthing can wait. 46 00:01:37,749 --> 00:01:39,360 How's my pinch? 47 00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:40,839 Still not as good as the last guy's. 48 00:01:45,975 --> 00:01:47,281 Do you ever miss him? 49 00:01:49,761 --> 00:01:51,546 Sometimes a person comes 50 00:01:51,633 --> 00:01:55,463 into your life and just shines, you know? 51 00:01:55,550 --> 00:01:57,769 They're like the sun wrapping you up 52 00:01:57,856 --> 00:01:59,902 in the glow of a summer day, 53 00:01:59,989 --> 00:02:04,559 and all you want to do is stay there and feel the warmth. 54 00:02:04,646 --> 00:02:08,345 But the sun doesn't shine for you, you know? 55 00:02:08,432 --> 00:02:11,261 It doesn't care about you in particular. 56 00:02:11,348 --> 00:02:13,829 And it sure as hell doesn't care if it burns, 57 00:02:13,916 --> 00:02:16,179 so do I miss getting burned? 58 00:02:16,266 --> 00:02:18,312 No. 59 00:02:18,399 --> 00:02:20,009 Yeah, I miss him, too. 60 00:02:21,271 --> 00:02:22,881 Hark, vampire citizens, 61 00:02:22,968 --> 00:02:25,797 I have news of great import and joy. 62 00:02:25,884 --> 00:02:28,670 What did I tell you about being a pompous asshole? 63 00:02:28,757 --> 00:02:31,499 It is with absolute pleasure that I introduce 64 00:02:31,586 --> 00:02:34,458 the new director of the Midwest region, 65 00:02:34,545 --> 00:02:36,939 Evangeline Elwood. 66 00:02:39,028 --> 00:02:41,683 What the hell? Eve? 67 00:02:41,770 --> 00:02:45,774 Angela, darling, it's so good to see you. 68 00:02:45,861 --> 00:02:47,558 I'm sure you have a million questions, 69 00:02:47,645 --> 00:02:50,431 but rest assured, I am here to serve. 70 00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,564 You've been served. 71 00:02:57,786 --> 00:03:00,354 I'm being reassigned to the Yukon? 72 00:03:00,441 --> 00:03:01,920 As my replacement. 73 00:03:02,007 --> 00:03:03,357 The Council wanted to feed on your heart, 74 00:03:03,444 --> 00:03:04,923 but I convinced them that you're far 75 00:03:05,010 --> 00:03:06,664 too valuable an asset to eat. 76 00:03:06,751 --> 00:03:08,536 - Your beneficence-- - Cut the shit, both of you. 77 00:03:08,623 --> 00:03:10,233 Eve, what the hell is this? 78 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:11,974 Angie, what did you think would happen 79 00:03:12,061 --> 00:03:13,454 when you failed to punish the fat vampire 80 00:03:13,541 --> 00:03:15,456 for missing his original Assessment? 81 00:03:15,543 --> 00:03:16,935 Kill everyone he loves. 82 00:03:17,022 --> 00:03:18,372 That's standard protocol. 83 00:03:18,459 --> 00:03:20,896 I am aware of standard protocol. 84 00:03:20,983 --> 00:03:22,767 Which makes your decision to ignore it 85 00:03:22,854 --> 00:03:24,726 all the more damning. 86 00:03:24,813 --> 00:03:27,946 Sure, it's sweet, you did so at the behest of Maurice Miller. 87 00:03:28,033 --> 00:03:32,081 Personally, that man can beg me any old time. 88 00:03:32,168 --> 00:03:34,692 How did you f-- 89 00:03:34,779 --> 00:03:36,564 oh. 90 00:03:36,651 --> 00:03:38,348 Vermin. 91 00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:40,959 Darling, really? 92 00:03:41,046 --> 00:03:42,874 Mercy? 93 00:03:42,961 --> 00:03:44,746 We don't do mercy. 94 00:03:44,833 --> 00:03:46,138 That's a fatal error best exhibited 95 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,097 by parents and priests. 96 00:03:48,184 --> 00:03:51,883 But in your case, that was the last straw. 97 00:03:51,970 --> 00:03:54,016 Goodbye, Midwest region. 98 00:03:54,103 --> 00:03:55,539 Hello, Yukon. 99 00:03:55,626 --> 00:03:57,324 No hard feelings, right? 100 00:03:57,411 --> 00:03:59,717 None at all, Regional Director Elwood. 101 00:03:59,804 --> 00:04:01,806 Call me Eve. 102 00:04:04,461 --> 00:04:05,767 You have until the end of the week to move your shit 103 00:04:05,854 --> 00:04:07,943 out of my house. 104 00:04:08,030 --> 00:04:09,640 I know I said atonement was, like, 105 00:04:09,727 --> 00:04:13,122 my jam now, but maybe we should wait 106 00:04:13,209 --> 00:04:14,602 a little more time before-- 107 00:04:14,689 --> 00:04:16,995 Reggie, no time like right this minute. 108 00:04:17,082 --> 00:04:18,693 Your Assessment is back on the books. 109 00:04:18,780 --> 00:04:20,956 When you say "back on the books?" 110 00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:22,523 Friday morning. 111 00:04:23,741 --> 00:04:26,222 Three and a half days until our certain doom. 112 00:04:26,309 --> 00:04:27,310 Nothing's certain. 113 00:04:29,138 --> 00:04:30,922 Okay, ticking clock. 114 00:04:31,009 --> 00:04:32,446 Whole new approach. 115 00:04:32,533 --> 00:04:33,838 No more skipping rope, 116 00:04:33,925 --> 00:04:36,188 more like prepping for the SATs. 117 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:37,929 No one dies for failing the SATs. 118 00:04:38,016 --> 00:04:40,236 The thing about the SATs is there's a whole industry 119 00:04:40,323 --> 00:04:43,370 around studying for them-- practice tests, study guides, 120 00:04:43,457 --> 00:04:44,980 that sort of thing. - Look, we went over this. 121 00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:46,590 All that information is privileged. 122 00:04:46,677 --> 00:04:48,462 For my Assessment, sure, 123 00:04:48,549 --> 00:04:50,638 but what about past Assessments? 124 00:04:50,725 --> 00:04:52,857 I know they're all different, but maybe there's something 125 00:04:52,944 --> 00:04:54,381 in there that can save our lives. 126 00:04:55,643 --> 00:04:56,948 I'll see what I can dig up. 127 00:04:58,341 --> 00:04:59,951 Now, you go do the right thing. 128 00:05:13,965 --> 00:05:15,967 That'll be $11.85. 129 00:05:16,054 --> 00:05:18,100 Perfect. 130 00:05:24,236 --> 00:05:26,021 Hey! You're not dead! 131 00:05:26,108 --> 00:05:28,371 Hey! 132 00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:30,025 You're--you're not mad at me? 133 00:05:32,897 --> 00:05:33,985 I was mad. 134 00:05:34,072 --> 00:05:35,639 Then I thought you were dead. 135 00:05:35,726 --> 00:05:37,337 Then I was scared. 136 00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:39,164 And I can't believe you disappeared like that. 137 00:05:39,251 --> 00:05:41,036 Everyone was super worried. 138 00:05:41,123 --> 00:05:42,472 Everyone? 139 00:05:49,827 --> 00:05:51,263 Hey. 140 00:05:53,875 --> 00:05:57,052 Uh, I--I like what you did with your hair. 141 00:05:57,139 --> 00:05:58,619 You're fired. 142 00:06:00,577 --> 00:06:03,275 Wait, is--is Todd-- 143 00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:05,843 You don't know, do you? 144 00:06:05,930 --> 00:06:07,149 Of course you don't. 145 00:06:07,236 --> 00:06:09,456 You've been gone. 146 00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:12,372 Todd tried to kill himself, 147 00:06:12,459 --> 00:06:13,721 right here in the Slushy Shack. 148 00:06:15,549 --> 00:06:18,465 He tried, as in he didn't succeed-- 149 00:06:18,552 --> 00:06:21,076 which, I mean, obviously is still terrible, 150 00:06:21,163 --> 00:06:23,600 but it would have been so much worse. 151 00:06:23,687 --> 00:06:26,168 Todd's alive. 152 00:06:26,255 --> 00:06:27,996 Todd's in the break room. 153 00:06:28,083 --> 00:06:29,954 He comes in every day. 154 00:06:30,041 --> 00:06:33,001 He just sits there, all alone. 155 00:06:33,088 --> 00:06:35,220 But he won't come out here. 156 00:06:35,307 --> 00:06:38,485 He can't because he's afraid. 157 00:06:40,530 --> 00:06:42,358 Any idea why? 158 00:06:45,448 --> 00:06:47,494 Give her time, big guy. 159 00:06:56,111 --> 00:07:00,376 Hey, there... buddy. 160 00:07:00,463 --> 00:07:01,856 Oh, shit. 161 00:07:03,161 --> 00:07:04,641 It's you. 162 00:07:04,728 --> 00:07:05,947 It's you! 163 00:07:06,034 --> 00:07:07,078 Stay away! - Todd-- 164 00:07:07,165 --> 00:07:09,037 Stay away! 165 00:07:09,124 --> 00:07:10,647 Oh, please, please, don't kill me. 166 00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:12,214 I--I'm begging you, man. 167 00:07:12,301 --> 00:07:13,650 For all that is holy, just-- 168 00:07:13,737 --> 00:07:16,000 just don't take any more of my blood. 169 00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:19,917 I tried to tell them what you are. 170 00:07:20,004 --> 00:07:21,745 They thought I was-- 171 00:07:23,965 --> 00:07:25,749 All it got me was a 5150 psych hold, 172 00:07:25,836 --> 00:07:26,968 which let me tell you, 173 00:07:27,055 --> 00:07:28,709 is no one's idea of a good time. 174 00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:30,406 - Did you tell Sarah? - No, I didn't tell Sarah. 175 00:07:30,493 --> 00:07:32,103 The medical community already thinks I'm crazy. 176 00:07:32,190 --> 00:07:34,018 I'd prefer to limit the damage to my reputation. 177 00:07:34,105 --> 00:07:36,456 So how do you know I'm a vampire? 178 00:07:36,543 --> 00:07:39,067 Dude, you drank my blood, 179 00:07:39,154 --> 00:07:42,505 like, almost all of it. 180 00:07:42,592 --> 00:07:44,159 And I didn't glamour you to forget. 181 00:07:44,246 --> 00:07:45,813 Make me forget? Wh--why are you saying that 182 00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:47,336 like that's just something you can do? 183 00:07:47,423 --> 00:07:49,730 It's something I can do, like a perk. 184 00:07:53,255 --> 00:07:57,694 Are there any other perks? 185 00:07:57,781 --> 00:07:59,261 Okay, wh--when did this happen to you? 186 00:07:59,348 --> 00:08:01,132 How could you even keep it a secret from-- 187 00:08:02,394 --> 00:08:04,135 Hang on. 188 00:08:04,222 --> 00:08:06,790 Did you erase my memory before? 189 00:08:06,877 --> 00:08:09,967 - No, no. - You erased my memory. 190 00:08:10,054 --> 00:08:12,579 That makes so much sense. 191 00:08:12,666 --> 00:08:14,537 You're here to do it again, aren't you? 192 00:08:14,624 --> 00:08:16,583 You're gonna wipe my mind like a chalkboard. 193 00:08:16,670 --> 00:08:18,062 No, no. 194 00:08:18,149 --> 00:08:19,499 I'm not gonna erase anything, okay? 195 00:08:19,586 --> 00:08:21,109 I--I don't do that anymore. 196 00:08:22,589 --> 00:08:25,853 Besides, Maurice was actually the one 197 00:08:25,940 --> 00:08:27,898 who erased most of your memories when he-- 198 00:08:27,985 --> 00:08:29,857 Whoa, whoa, hold up. 199 00:08:29,944 --> 00:08:32,033 Maurice is a vampire too? 200 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:33,469 You deserve to know the whole truth. 201 00:08:33,556 --> 00:08:35,689 That actually makes a lot of sense. 202 00:08:37,995 --> 00:08:40,128 Oh, my God. 203 00:08:40,215 --> 00:08:43,131 You're here to finish the job, huh? 204 00:08:43,218 --> 00:08:45,002 Don't you have any other intake options, man? 205 00:08:45,089 --> 00:08:46,526 I mean, I'm sure my blood tastes awesome, but, like-- 206 00:08:46,613 --> 00:08:49,659 Todd, I'm not here to finish anything. 207 00:08:51,313 --> 00:08:52,967 I'm here to make amends. 208 00:08:58,146 --> 00:09:00,322 Whoa. What are you doing? 209 00:09:03,325 --> 00:09:05,719 Drink my blood. 210 00:09:05,806 --> 00:09:07,895 It'll heal you. 211 00:09:07,982 --> 00:09:10,158 This another perk? 212 00:09:10,245 --> 00:09:11,551 Yeah. 213 00:09:13,335 --> 00:09:15,206 How do I know this isn't another trick 214 00:09:15,293 --> 00:09:17,513 to just get me close enough to rip my throat out again? 215 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:20,124 If I wanted to, it would already be done. 216 00:09:20,211 --> 00:09:21,212 Fair point. 217 00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:25,042 Creepy as hell, but I hear ya. 218 00:09:27,305 --> 00:09:29,046 Okay. 219 00:09:36,314 --> 00:09:38,708 I feel like this is a really weird dream. 220 00:09:38,795 --> 00:09:39,970 Welcome to my world. 221 00:09:51,373 --> 00:09:52,722 Whoo! 222 00:09:52,809 --> 00:09:55,116 Oh! 223 00:09:55,203 --> 00:09:59,468 Whoa! Reggie, that is crazy, dude. 224 00:09:59,555 --> 00:10:00,861 I cannot believe that. 225 00:10:00,948 --> 00:10:02,950 Dude, you're like a wonder drug. 226 00:10:03,037 --> 00:10:06,606 I have never felt so alive. 227 00:10:09,391 --> 00:10:11,349 How do I look? - All better now. 228 00:10:13,569 --> 00:10:17,355 What? That is crazy. 229 00:10:17,442 --> 00:10:21,925 Look, I'm sorry for everything I did. 230 00:10:22,012 --> 00:10:25,102 I'm sorry I didn't appreciate what you did for me. 231 00:10:25,189 --> 00:10:28,410 You were a friend when I needed one and I betrayed you. 232 00:10:29,803 --> 00:10:30,804 I won't do that again. 233 00:10:37,724 --> 00:10:38,986 So... 234 00:10:47,168 --> 00:10:48,648 Welcome to the Slushy Shack. 235 00:10:48,735 --> 00:10:49,953 How may I help you? 236 00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:57,395 What the hell are you doing here? 237 00:10:57,482 --> 00:10:58,570 We had a deal. 238 00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,268 You spare Reginald's friends, 239 00:11:00,355 --> 00:11:03,097 and I bring him back for his Assessment. 240 00:11:03,184 --> 00:11:04,533 What's with the suitcase? 241 00:11:04,620 --> 00:11:07,362 I'm familiar with our deal. 242 00:11:07,449 --> 00:11:08,885 Wait, you found him? 243 00:11:10,844 --> 00:11:12,715 Good for you, Maurice. 244 00:11:12,802 --> 00:11:14,282 Now---- off. 245 00:11:17,459 --> 00:11:19,156 There's one more thing. 246 00:11:19,243 --> 00:11:21,245 You're still here. 247 00:11:21,332 --> 00:11:23,726 I need access to the archives. 248 00:11:23,813 --> 00:11:25,206 Reginald wants to read through histories 249 00:11:25,293 --> 00:11:26,816 of the past Assessments. 250 00:11:26,903 --> 00:11:29,210 Those old books aren't going 251 00:11:29,297 --> 00:11:32,909 to help him pass or survive. 252 00:11:32,996 --> 00:11:34,215 Look, I told him it was a long shot, 253 00:11:34,302 --> 00:11:35,390 but he wants to look anyway. 254 00:11:35,477 --> 00:11:37,000 It's not a long shot. 255 00:11:37,087 --> 00:11:39,046 It's impossible. 256 00:11:40,308 --> 00:11:43,267 And if you were half as smart as you think you are, 257 00:11:43,354 --> 00:11:45,922 you'd be halfway around the world by now. 258 00:11:49,012 --> 00:11:51,623 Reginald is my progeny. 259 00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,626 I'm gonna stand by him no matter what. 260 00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:01,155 Believe it or not, you taught me that. 261 00:12:01,242 --> 00:12:04,201 After what I did, you could have left me in Oakland-- 262 00:12:04,288 --> 00:12:06,638 should have, 263 00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,162 but you didn't. 264 00:12:09,554 --> 00:12:12,166 All right, Maurice, 265 00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:14,690 access to the archives. 266 00:12:14,777 --> 00:12:18,825 But do not let Eve find out. 267 00:12:18,912 --> 00:12:22,263 Eve? 268 00:12:22,350 --> 00:12:24,439 What's with the suitcase 269 00:12:24,526 --> 00:12:27,572 is I got relocated to the----ing Yukon. 270 00:12:29,966 --> 00:12:32,360 And all because I let you talk me 271 00:12:32,447 --> 00:12:34,971 into sparing everyone your boy loves. 272 00:12:35,058 --> 00:12:36,799 What you did was a good thing, 273 00:12:36,886 --> 00:12:38,235 the right thing. 274 00:12:40,063 --> 00:12:43,066 Turns out mercy is a fatal error. 275 00:12:46,722 --> 00:12:49,290 You ever wonder if you're playing for the wrong team? 276 00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:52,815 Team? 277 00:12:52,902 --> 00:12:54,295 There are no teams. 278 00:12:54,382 --> 00:12:56,863 There are only enemies. 279 00:12:56,950 --> 00:13:00,040 My entire existence, I have been surrounded 280 00:13:00,127 --> 00:13:02,433 by people who wanted to take my power, 281 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:05,045 people who wanted me dead. 282 00:13:05,132 --> 00:13:08,744 But you--you were different. 283 00:13:12,313 --> 00:13:16,360 Until you wanted me dead just like everybody else. 284 00:13:23,672 --> 00:13:25,805 Hello, Penelope. 285 00:13:25,892 --> 00:13:27,632 Something I can do for you? 286 00:13:27,719 --> 00:13:29,939 Thank goodness you're here. 287 00:13:30,026 --> 00:13:31,854 I was worried he'd do something stupid. 288 00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:33,769 I mean, of course, he's going to do something stupid, 289 00:13:33,856 --> 00:13:36,119 but if you talk to him, maybe he won't wind up 290 00:13:36,206 --> 00:13:38,121 getting himself, or even worse, 291 00:13:38,208 --> 00:13:40,471 getting me killed. 292 00:13:40,558 --> 00:13:41,646 What are you talking about? 293 00:13:41,733 --> 00:13:43,126 Who are you talking about? 294 00:13:47,043 --> 00:13:49,176 - Wick. - Maurice's friend. 295 00:13:49,263 --> 00:13:51,352 - Mike. - Whatever. 296 00:13:51,439 --> 00:13:53,049 Is that what I think it is? 297 00:13:54,703 --> 00:13:57,749 Mind if I give you a little unsolicited advice? 298 00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:01,188 Maybe you noticed, I'm down an arm. 299 00:14:01,275 --> 00:14:03,625 I'm missing that limb because a certain lady found out 300 00:14:03,712 --> 00:14:05,540 that I'm dealing in what you came here for. 301 00:14:06,889 --> 00:14:08,499 I got off lucky. 302 00:14:08,586 --> 00:14:11,415 Are you feeling lucky, Mike? 303 00:14:17,682 --> 00:14:18,727 Lucky enough. 304 00:14:27,127 --> 00:14:28,955 - Angel's Blood. - Oddly enough, 305 00:14:29,042 --> 00:14:30,739 I originally acquired that for another client 306 00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:33,437 with whom you are familiar. 307 00:14:33,524 --> 00:14:36,179 Oddly enough, this blood is intended for the same target. 308 00:14:42,098 --> 00:14:43,534 We're officially boned. 309 00:14:45,493 --> 00:14:46,886 Nothing? 310 00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:48,583 A resounding amount of nothing. 311 00:14:48,670 --> 00:14:50,628 I've read the minutes of every past Assessment, 312 00:14:50,715 --> 00:14:52,935 every single one of the vampire histories, 313 00:14:53,022 --> 00:14:55,329 which, by the way, read a lot more 314 00:14:55,416 --> 00:14:56,808 like erotica than history. 315 00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,506 - Accurate too. - I've even read 316 00:14:58,593 --> 00:15:01,726 all the vampire bylaws, thousands of them. 317 00:15:01,813 --> 00:15:06,122 So while in theory, I'm ready to take the bar, 318 00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:08,255 there isn't a single loophole that will help me pass it. 319 00:15:09,865 --> 00:15:12,563 Reggie, did you talk to Sarah? 320 00:15:12,650 --> 00:15:15,784 I--um, sort of. 321 00:15:15,871 --> 00:15:18,569 We said hi, and then she fired me. 322 00:15:18,656 --> 00:15:19,657 But what does that have to do with anything? 323 00:15:19,744 --> 00:15:21,311 Stop. 324 00:15:21,398 --> 00:15:22,878 Look, I don't care about your personal life, 325 00:15:22,965 --> 00:15:24,749 but if you're telling me you read 14,000 pages... 326 00:15:24,836 --> 00:15:26,447 14,297. 327 00:15:26,534 --> 00:15:28,101 And came up empty, 328 00:15:28,188 --> 00:15:29,363 then it's not because there's nothing. 329 00:15:29,450 --> 00:15:30,973 It's because you're distracted. 330 00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:31,974 What if she doesn't want to talk to me? 331 00:15:32,061 --> 00:15:34,194 Again, don't care. 332 00:15:34,281 --> 00:15:35,978 Go tie up your loose ends, 333 00:15:36,065 --> 00:15:37,893 and then get your head back in the game 334 00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:39,982 like our lives depend on it. 335 00:15:42,550 --> 00:15:44,856 Closing time, huh? 336 00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,337 You need any help? Something I could do? 337 00:15:49,426 --> 00:15:51,863 So, um, I think I owe you an explanation. 338 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,778 No, Reginald, you really don't. 339 00:15:53,865 --> 00:15:55,519 No, I think I do, and if you could just stop 340 00:15:55,606 --> 00:15:58,087 and listen for 60 seconds, it's all I need. 341 00:15:59,784 --> 00:16:01,699 Okay, wow, I didn't think you'd actually stop. 342 00:16:01,786 --> 00:16:03,527 - You have 50 seconds. - Got it. 343 00:16:03,614 --> 00:16:05,312 I guess I have to do this now. 344 00:16:05,399 --> 00:16:07,879 Direct and to the point, no buildups. 345 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,403 Uh, no softening the blow. 346 00:16:09,490 --> 00:16:10,839 40 seconds. 347 00:16:12,406 --> 00:16:14,277 I'm a vampire. 348 00:16:14,364 --> 00:16:16,758 I wasn't always like that, but-- 349 00:16:16,845 --> 00:16:18,499 a--a vampire, I mean. 350 00:16:20,283 --> 00:16:22,285 I got turned the night we were supposed to go 351 00:16:22,372 --> 00:16:24,331 on our first date, 352 00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:27,116 which you don't remember, right. 353 00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:29,379 That's something else I have to explain. 354 00:16:29,466 --> 00:16:33,688 Vampires have this power called glamouring. 355 00:16:33,775 --> 00:16:35,907 Basically, we have the power 356 00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:39,476 to influence people in major ways. 357 00:16:39,563 --> 00:16:41,826 The reason why you had all these memory gaps 358 00:16:41,913 --> 00:16:44,003 is because someone--not me, 359 00:16:44,090 --> 00:16:47,180 glamoured you into forgetting how you feel. 360 00:16:47,267 --> 00:16:50,226 Someone glamoured me 361 00:16:50,313 --> 00:16:53,012 into forgetting how I felt about you? 362 00:16:53,099 --> 00:16:54,622 It's hard to believe, I know. 363 00:16:54,709 --> 00:16:57,364 No, no, it's not. 364 00:16:57,451 --> 00:16:58,452 No. 365 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,456 You know, actually, it makes a lot of sense, 366 00:17:02,543 --> 00:17:03,457 if you think about it. 367 00:17:03,544 --> 00:17:04,719 Let me think about that 368 00:17:04,806 --> 00:17:06,242 for a minute. 369 00:17:06,329 --> 00:17:09,158 Yeah, thinking. Still thinking. 370 00:17:09,245 --> 00:17:11,987 Give--just a couple more seconds of thinking. 371 00:17:13,815 --> 00:17:16,948 How stupid do you think that I am, huh? 372 00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:20,300 Like, on a scale of one to ten, how stupid? 373 00:17:20,387 --> 00:17:21,953 No, that's-- that's not at all. 374 00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,520 Are you sure? 375 00:17:23,607 --> 00:17:26,871 Because you just told me that you were a vampire. 376 00:17:26,958 --> 00:17:29,570 It's the truth, I swear. 377 00:17:29,657 --> 00:17:32,877 The truth is that you lied to me. 378 00:17:32,964 --> 00:17:35,750 And when you got caught, you left town. 379 00:17:35,837 --> 00:17:39,449 So I guess that makes you a coward too, huh? 380 00:17:39,536 --> 00:17:43,236 Yeah, a coward and an asshole. 381 00:17:43,323 --> 00:17:47,196 And now you're back, which is really confusing for me 382 00:17:47,283 --> 00:17:50,330 because it's all that I ever wanted, 383 00:17:50,417 --> 00:17:54,508 for you to come back and open up and be honest. 384 00:17:54,595 --> 00:17:58,642 And sure, it was always gonna be a big mess, 385 00:17:58,729 --> 00:18:00,731 but at least I'd know the truth. 386 00:18:00,818 --> 00:18:03,647 So I'm sorry, Reginald. 387 00:18:03,734 --> 00:18:07,303 You don't get to tell me some insane story 388 00:18:07,390 --> 00:18:10,524 and then swear that it's true. 389 00:18:10,611 --> 00:18:13,309 I'm done with your lies. 390 00:18:13,396 --> 00:18:14,876 I'm done with your truth. 391 00:18:14,963 --> 00:18:18,358 I am just... done. 392 00:18:23,580 --> 00:18:24,973 Sa-- 393 00:18:32,328 --> 00:18:34,113 As much as it flatters me, 394 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,244 are you sure you can risk 395 00:18:35,331 --> 00:18:36,811 bringing me home like this? 396 00:18:38,204 --> 00:18:39,422 It's not my home anymore. 397 00:18:39,509 --> 00:18:40,858 There's a story behind that. 398 00:18:40,945 --> 00:18:43,252 Now, you're gonna tell me 399 00:18:43,339 --> 00:18:44,949 until you make me forget. 400 00:18:45,036 --> 00:18:46,386 Not this time. 401 00:18:49,824 --> 00:18:50,955 Listen to me. 402 00:18:52,653 --> 00:18:54,611 Remember. 403 00:18:54,698 --> 00:18:58,137 Remember everything I have ever told you. 404 00:19:02,967 --> 00:19:04,012 Oh. 405 00:19:09,496 --> 00:19:10,584 No. 406 00:19:10,671 --> 00:19:12,629 Now you know. 407 00:19:22,204 --> 00:19:24,902 Reginald never showed up for his Assessment. 408 00:19:24,989 --> 00:19:27,905 And now he's back, 409 00:19:27,992 --> 00:19:29,646 not that it matters. 410 00:19:31,474 --> 00:19:33,694 The Council has transferred me to another time zone. 411 00:19:33,781 --> 00:19:35,348 Why? 412 00:19:35,435 --> 00:19:36,653 It doesn't matter now. 413 00:19:36,740 --> 00:19:38,655 You're leaving town? 414 00:19:38,742 --> 00:19:40,701 Will I ever see you again? 415 00:19:40,788 --> 00:19:42,703 Maybe glamour me a sudden desire 416 00:19:42,790 --> 00:19:46,054 to travel or a work trip? 417 00:19:46,141 --> 00:19:48,839 I can leave the kids at home. 418 00:19:48,926 --> 00:19:50,406 I'll go wherever you want. 419 00:19:50,493 --> 00:19:52,321 No more glamouring for you. 420 00:19:54,149 --> 00:19:55,977 This really is goodbye, isn't it? 421 00:19:57,718 --> 00:19:59,415 Thank you for giving me back my memories. 422 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,638 All of your stories. 423 00:20:04,725 --> 00:20:08,555 If it is any consolation, 424 00:20:08,642 --> 00:20:12,428 I have no intention of going gently into that good night. 425 00:20:12,515 --> 00:20:17,433 Think of it like me burning the place down on my way out. 426 00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:20,958 But what if you get caught in the flames? 427 00:20:21,045 --> 00:20:23,570 What-- 428 00:20:23,657 --> 00:20:25,920 Then I go out in a blaze of glory. 429 00:20:26,007 --> 00:20:30,098 Oh, you-- you really have changed. 430 00:20:30,185 --> 00:20:32,056 The Angela I met all those years ago 431 00:20:32,143 --> 00:20:34,581 wouldn't burn the place down. 432 00:20:34,668 --> 00:20:37,453 She would make her enemies set themselves on fire. 433 00:20:49,639 --> 00:20:50,988 I'm a vampire. 434 00:20:55,428 --> 00:20:56,559 Listen to me. 435 00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:03,174 Vampires have this power called glamouring. 436 00:21:06,134 --> 00:21:07,570 Basically, we use it to influence people 437 00:21:07,657 --> 00:21:09,659 in major ways. 438 00:21:31,246 --> 00:21:33,161 Show me your fangs. 439 00:21:33,248 --> 00:21:34,641 Hey, Sarah. 440 00:21:34,728 --> 00:21:36,599 You said that you were a vampire. 441 00:21:36,686 --> 00:21:39,298 Vampires have fangs, and I want to see them. 442 00:21:39,385 --> 00:21:43,606 Look, about what I said... 443 00:21:43,693 --> 00:21:47,131 maybe we should just forget about all of that, okay? 444 00:21:47,218 --> 00:21:49,395 I'm a clueless asshole, 445 00:21:49,482 --> 00:21:53,921 and you can consign me to the dustbin of your history. 446 00:21:54,008 --> 00:21:57,272 Show me, Reginald. 447 00:22:01,885 --> 00:22:03,060 Oh. 448 00:22:09,763 --> 00:22:11,199 You were telling me the truth. 449 00:22:11,286 --> 00:22:13,723 Can I put my teeth away now? 450 00:22:17,466 --> 00:22:21,296 If you lied, this would be so much easier 451 00:22:21,383 --> 00:22:23,690 for me to wrap my head around 452 00:22:23,777 --> 00:22:26,562 because you'd be a lying shitbag, 453 00:22:26,649 --> 00:22:29,652 but you're a truth-telling shitbag. 454 00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:34,483 You're my truth-telling shitbag. 455 00:22:34,570 --> 00:22:37,443 But I'm not saying that I want to get back together. 456 00:22:37,530 --> 00:22:40,184 I'm not sure that I'm ever gonna be ready for that, 457 00:22:40,271 --> 00:22:44,232 but so much has happened. 458 00:22:45,668 --> 00:22:48,149 Look, can I just come in and-- 459 00:22:51,370 --> 00:22:55,939 As much as I want you to... 460 00:22:56,026 --> 00:22:57,158 I don't think you should. 461 00:22:59,334 --> 00:23:02,468 I'm a vampire and you're human, 462 00:23:02,555 --> 00:23:06,123 so this is what's best. 463 00:23:19,006 --> 00:23:20,834 Oh, hell no. 464 00:23:20,921 --> 00:23:22,357 Hello, Reginald. 465 00:23:22,444 --> 00:23:23,880 You're here to kill me, aren't you? 466 00:23:23,967 --> 00:23:25,926 The Assessment's not until another 36 hours. 467 00:23:26,013 --> 00:23:27,493 I'm pretty sure this is a violation of governing bylaw, 468 00:23:27,580 --> 00:23:29,495 and believe me, I know every one. 469 00:23:33,934 --> 00:23:35,501 Open them. 470 00:23:40,027 --> 00:23:43,247 It's everything you need to know about your Assessment. 471 00:23:43,334 --> 00:23:45,336 Everything I could find, anyway. 472 00:23:45,424 --> 00:23:47,295 I figure you had a better chance of passing 473 00:23:47,382 --> 00:23:48,731 if you knew the shape of the thing. 474 00:23:50,167 --> 00:23:51,473 Holy motherload. 475 00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:53,693 You're welcome. 476 00:23:53,780 --> 00:23:55,956 Why? I mean, thank you, 477 00:23:56,043 --> 00:23:59,438 but how do I know this isn't a trap? 478 00:23:59,525 --> 00:24:01,831 You don't. 479 00:24:11,667 --> 00:24:13,364 Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. 480 00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:15,062 Or alternatively, vampire monsters 481 00:24:15,149 --> 00:24:16,498 who hate the ground I walk on. 482 00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,197 I spoke to Angela yesterday. 483 00:24:20,284 --> 00:24:22,112 She didn't say anything about this. 484 00:24:22,199 --> 00:24:24,724 But maybe this is a good thing. 485 00:24:24,811 --> 00:24:26,377 Oh, this is better than good. 486 00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:28,728 This is the Holy Grail. 487 00:24:28,815 --> 00:24:31,034 That's what bothers me. - Angela's got an angle. 488 00:24:31,121 --> 00:24:32,645 - Yeah. - Ugh. 489 00:24:32,732 --> 00:24:34,560 Yeah, Angela's always got an angle, 490 00:24:34,647 --> 00:24:36,431 but here we are. 491 00:24:36,518 --> 00:24:37,911 I--I'm confused. 492 00:24:37,998 --> 00:24:39,869 Are we trusting Angela now? 493 00:24:39,956 --> 00:24:42,176 No. No, no, no, hell no. 494 00:24:42,263 --> 00:24:43,612 Okay, but as it stands, 495 00:24:43,699 --> 00:24:45,179 this is the best shot we've got, 496 00:24:45,266 --> 00:24:47,442 so why don't you just dig in, see what's what, 497 00:24:47,529 --> 00:24:50,401 and I'll try and find out what Angie's up to. 498 00:24:50,489 --> 00:24:51,577 Watch me work. 499 00:25:00,455 --> 00:25:01,935 That's your plan, 500 00:25:02,022 --> 00:25:03,545 dose Angela's wine? 501 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:08,071 Gotta say, there's poetry in it, 502 00:25:08,158 --> 00:25:09,899 considering she pulled that shit on me in this very room. 503 00:25:09,986 --> 00:25:12,293 If you care about saving Reginald's life, 504 00:25:12,380 --> 00:25:14,208 you won't try to stop me. 505 00:25:15,949 --> 00:25:18,299 Killing Angela won't stop the Assessment. 506 00:25:18,386 --> 00:25:20,214 You came here to kill her. 507 00:25:20,301 --> 00:25:21,911 I'm just finishing what you started. 508 00:25:21,998 --> 00:25:24,697 Funny thing, turns out revenge has a shelf life. 509 00:25:24,784 --> 00:25:26,350 When Angela takes a debt, 510 00:25:26,437 --> 00:25:28,439 she makes sure it's never repaid. 511 00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:31,530 The evil that she's done that I've been a party to, 512 00:25:31,617 --> 00:25:33,314 I need to be free of that. 513 00:25:33,401 --> 00:25:35,055 I get it. I really do. 514 00:25:35,142 --> 00:25:37,797 But right now, I need Angela alive. 515 00:25:37,884 --> 00:25:39,929 Trust me, okay? 516 00:25:44,281 --> 00:25:45,544 Okay. 517 00:25:53,029 --> 00:25:55,075 What do you want, Todd? 518 00:26:01,211 --> 00:26:02,473 Did I ever tell you about my dad? 519 00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:04,475 I'm not sure why you would. 520 00:26:04,563 --> 00:26:07,783 He was a bull on steroids, 521 00:26:07,870 --> 00:26:08,871 minus the steroids. 522 00:26:08,958 --> 00:26:10,438 Which makes him a bull. 523 00:26:10,525 --> 00:26:12,396 The man could bench 450 in his sleep, 524 00:26:12,483 --> 00:26:14,485 run a marathon before breakfast. 525 00:26:14,573 --> 00:26:16,487 This one time, we were camping, 526 00:26:16,575 --> 00:26:19,534 and a bear wandered onto our campsite. 527 00:26:19,621 --> 00:26:24,670 My dad punched it right in the face-- 528 00:26:24,757 --> 00:26:26,585 an actual bear. 529 00:26:28,804 --> 00:26:31,198 Mm, I guess he was a bull on steroids. 530 00:26:31,285 --> 00:26:33,722 Course, that bear killed him. 531 00:26:36,507 --> 00:26:37,552 Damn. 532 00:26:38,988 --> 00:26:40,947 Yeah, it was-- 533 00:26:42,557 --> 00:26:44,037 It was awful. 534 00:26:46,822 --> 00:26:48,345 Worst thing I ever saw. 535 00:26:50,043 --> 00:26:52,175 I don't want to get killed by a bear. 536 00:26:54,525 --> 00:26:55,831 I want to live forever. 537 00:26:58,965 --> 00:27:00,923 I want you to make me a vampire. 538 00:27:04,100 --> 00:27:05,885 I knew it. 539 00:27:05,972 --> 00:27:07,713 Reginald's a vampire, and that means vampires exist, 540 00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:10,367 so that means I was right. 541 00:27:10,454 --> 00:27:12,239 This explains so much. 542 00:27:12,326 --> 00:27:14,284 It does? 543 00:27:14,371 --> 00:27:15,938 When Reginald texted us saying 544 00:27:16,025 --> 00:27:17,505 that he wanted to have a party at the Slushy, 545 00:27:17,592 --> 00:27:19,028 I thought, that's weird. 546 00:27:19,115 --> 00:27:20,377 - Right? - But now don't you see? 547 00:27:20,464 --> 00:27:22,815 It's his vampire coming out party. 548 00:27:22,902 --> 00:27:24,730 He didn't seem like he was in the party mood 549 00:27:24,817 --> 00:27:25,818 when I went to go see him. 550 00:27:25,905 --> 00:27:27,994 Was this before or after 551 00:27:28,081 --> 00:27:29,865 you stomped all over his heart? 552 00:27:29,952 --> 00:27:31,562 I didn't stomp. 553 00:27:31,650 --> 00:27:33,695 I was very gentle. 554 00:27:33,782 --> 00:27:36,002 You asked to see his fangs, he shows you his fangs. 555 00:27:36,089 --> 00:27:39,701 And then you said, "Thanks for nothing. 556 00:27:39,788 --> 00:27:42,878 Peace out forever, Nosferatu." 557 00:27:42,965 --> 00:27:45,489 I'm paraphrasing. 558 00:27:45,576 --> 00:27:49,276 But then he said, "It's better this way." 559 00:27:49,363 --> 00:27:50,843 Why would it be better? 560 00:27:50,930 --> 00:27:52,496 Because love is a fiction created 561 00:27:52,583 --> 00:27:56,022 by greeting card companies to sell greeting cards. 562 00:27:56,109 --> 00:27:58,154 He told me the truth. I got closure. 563 00:27:58,241 --> 00:27:59,895 We're done. 564 00:27:59,982 --> 00:28:02,115 Except, I can't shake the fact 565 00:28:02,202 --> 00:28:04,595 that he's holding something back again. 566 00:28:06,423 --> 00:28:09,426 Other than being a vampire, what's left to hold back? 567 00:28:11,211 --> 00:28:12,560 Hard to argue with that. 568 00:28:12,647 --> 00:28:15,563 Admit it, I would make a great vampire. 569 00:28:15,650 --> 00:28:17,565 - It's not gonna happen, Todd. - Why not? 570 00:28:17,652 --> 00:28:19,698 I am fit. I'm fine. 571 00:28:19,785 --> 00:28:22,875 I'd make an awesome addition to the undead community. 572 00:28:22,962 --> 00:28:24,920 I mean, my organizational skills alone could be-- 573 00:28:25,007 --> 00:28:27,575 You'll be stuck in place forever. 574 00:28:27,662 --> 00:28:28,837 All right, ask Reggie. 575 00:28:33,189 --> 00:28:35,017 And now you're shirtless. 576 00:28:35,104 --> 00:28:36,584 Why in the hell wouldn't I want to be stuck like this? 577 00:28:36,671 --> 00:28:38,760 Because you're an idiot. 578 00:28:38,847 --> 00:28:40,980 Yeah, but I'm a happy idiot. 579 00:28:41,067 --> 00:28:43,286 Isn't that what counts? 580 00:28:43,373 --> 00:28:44,635 Come on. 581 00:28:46,072 --> 00:28:48,857 If you made me a vampire, 582 00:28:48,944 --> 00:28:50,946 then we could-- 583 00:28:51,033 --> 00:28:52,731 We could what? 584 00:28:58,171 --> 00:29:01,565 This is the best version of me. 585 00:29:01,652 --> 00:29:05,178 It is all downhill from here. 586 00:29:05,265 --> 00:29:08,529 No matter what I do, I'm gonna get older. 587 00:29:08,616 --> 00:29:10,226 And I'll look in that mirror one day, 588 00:29:10,313 --> 00:29:11,880 and I'm gonna see a stranger looking back at me. 589 00:29:14,143 --> 00:29:15,841 But not today. 590 00:29:17,756 --> 00:29:19,061 Today, I'm perfect. 591 00:29:22,499 --> 00:29:24,850 I'm sorry, Todd. 592 00:29:24,937 --> 00:29:27,461 I can't help you. 593 00:29:39,038 --> 00:29:40,561 It's open. 594 00:29:44,783 --> 00:29:46,219 Sorry I'm late. 595 00:29:46,306 --> 00:29:47,786 I got delayed. 596 00:29:49,091 --> 00:29:50,614 You're stressed. 597 00:29:50,701 --> 00:29:51,702 Angela----ed us, didn't she? 598 00:29:51,790 --> 00:29:53,052 We got nothing? 599 00:29:53,139 --> 00:29:54,793 Oh, it's not nothing. 600 00:29:54,880 --> 00:29:56,142 It's everything. 601 00:29:56,229 --> 00:29:57,621 A detailed year-by-year breakdown 602 00:29:57,708 --> 00:29:59,145 of every Assessment test, 603 00:29:59,232 --> 00:30:01,451 including benchmarks I needed to pass, 604 00:30:01,538 --> 00:30:04,324 info on all the vampire guests. 605 00:30:04,411 --> 00:30:07,501 Take Logan the Crepuscular, 606 00:30:07,588 --> 00:30:09,459 Deacon of the Council of the Americas, 607 00:30:09,546 --> 00:30:12,811 whose hobbies include decapitation, disemboweling-- 608 00:30:12,898 --> 00:30:15,030 And dancing. 609 00:30:15,117 --> 00:30:17,206 Well, you should see him tango. 610 00:30:17,293 --> 00:30:19,339 Next, we have the sun chamber. 611 00:30:19,426 --> 00:30:20,644 What happens in the sun chamber? 612 00:30:20,731 --> 00:30:23,473 I'm glad you asked. 613 00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:25,127 As you can see by this detailed rendering, 614 00:30:25,214 --> 00:30:27,086 someone is chained to a post, 615 00:30:27,173 --> 00:30:29,958 and, oh, they're on fire. 616 00:30:30,045 --> 00:30:31,655 So basically, that's where I'll die. 617 00:30:31,742 --> 00:30:33,788 Oh, but not before Logan the Duplicitous adds in 618 00:30:33,875 --> 00:30:36,573 a little light knife torture because why not 619 00:30:36,660 --> 00:30:38,184 make a meal of my painful death? 620 00:30:38,271 --> 00:30:40,229 Hey. Look, take a breath. 621 00:30:40,316 --> 00:30:42,666 Focus on the test. 622 00:30:42,753 --> 00:30:43,842 You said there were benchmarks. 623 00:30:45,931 --> 00:30:48,803 Historically speaking, 624 00:30:48,890 --> 00:30:51,545 these are just tests designed for me to fail. 625 00:30:51,632 --> 00:30:54,243 Okay, then you need to think of a plan 626 00:30:54,330 --> 00:30:56,942 not to pass, to survive. 627 00:30:57,029 --> 00:30:59,292 I thought of several, but nothing that doesn't end 628 00:30:59,379 --> 00:31:01,424 in one or both of us dying. 629 00:31:01,511 --> 00:31:06,821 It's like a puzzle that's missing one huge piece. 630 00:31:06,908 --> 00:31:07,822 And without it, I'm-- 631 00:31:11,173 --> 00:31:14,220 That's my reminder to go set up for my party. 632 00:31:14,307 --> 00:31:17,179 I should probably call everyone and cancel. 633 00:31:17,266 --> 00:31:18,398 Hey. 634 00:31:20,966 --> 00:31:24,708 Look, Reggie, if tonight is your last night on Earth-- 635 00:31:24,795 --> 00:31:28,364 if... 636 00:31:28,451 --> 00:31:30,192 then you should probably say goodbye to your friends. 637 00:31:41,900 --> 00:31:43,379 Pizza and cookies? 638 00:31:43,466 --> 00:31:45,381 These are a few of my favorite foods. 639 00:31:47,688 --> 00:31:49,995 Nice. 640 00:32:10,711 --> 00:32:11,755 You like pizza? 641 00:32:14,976 --> 00:32:16,935 We've got a metric ton of it. 642 00:32:21,983 --> 00:32:23,419 She'll be here. 643 00:32:23,506 --> 00:32:25,465 - You don't know that. - Sure I do. 644 00:32:25,552 --> 00:32:26,901 She said she had to stop off and get something 645 00:32:26,988 --> 00:32:28,381 from home first. 646 00:32:33,429 --> 00:32:34,517 Told you. 647 00:32:35,692 --> 00:32:36,693 You came. 648 00:32:36,780 --> 00:32:37,956 Hey, I love a party. 649 00:32:40,436 --> 00:32:43,048 - What's in the bag? - Something 650 00:32:43,135 --> 00:32:47,139 I've been saving for a special occasion. 651 00:33:11,032 --> 00:33:12,555 I'm really gonna miss this. 652 00:33:21,651 --> 00:33:23,262 Claire, we need to talk. 653 00:33:23,349 --> 00:33:24,741 That's what my mom says when I'm in trouble. 654 00:33:24,828 --> 00:33:26,308 You're not in trouble. 655 00:33:26,395 --> 00:33:27,570 Not any more than usual, anyway. 656 00:33:27,657 --> 00:33:28,876 Very funny. 657 00:33:30,834 --> 00:33:34,360 It looks like I'm gonna be gone for a while, okay? 658 00:33:34,447 --> 00:33:36,666 But I want you to know 659 00:33:36,753 --> 00:33:40,279 that whatever happens, you won't be alone. 660 00:33:40,366 --> 00:33:41,932 That's ominous. Why is that so ominous? 661 00:33:42,020 --> 00:33:43,499 You'd think my middle name is ominous, 662 00:33:43,586 --> 00:33:45,327 but my middle name is Cynthia. 663 00:33:45,414 --> 00:33:47,982 - Nikki. - Sorry I'm late. 664 00:33:48,069 --> 00:33:50,158 Nikki's gonna be here to protect you when you need her. 665 00:33:50,245 --> 00:33:52,030 She's like a fairy godmother with a chainsaw. 666 00:34:00,734 --> 00:34:03,128 Oh, look, 667 00:34:03,215 --> 00:34:06,522 she's still here in all her former glory. 668 00:34:06,609 --> 00:34:08,350 What is it, bottom feeders? 669 00:34:08,437 --> 00:34:10,657 Is that tone really necessary? 670 00:34:10,744 --> 00:34:12,528 We're here on official business. 671 00:34:12,615 --> 00:34:15,140 Logan the Impermeable has requested your attendance 672 00:34:15,227 --> 00:34:16,489 at tomorrow's Assessment. 673 00:34:16,576 --> 00:34:18,491 He has? 674 00:34:18,578 --> 00:34:19,970 As a lowly page. 675 00:34:20,058 --> 00:34:21,363 What? 676 00:34:23,104 --> 00:34:27,369 I am not some lackey to be given menial tasks. 677 00:34:27,456 --> 00:34:28,762 That's your job. 678 00:34:28,849 --> 00:34:31,243 Ah, but you are. 679 00:34:31,330 --> 00:34:34,550 And here's the paperwork to prove it. 680 00:34:46,258 --> 00:34:48,912 Reginald, what is this? 681 00:34:48,999 --> 00:34:51,132 Uh, double pepperoni. 682 00:34:51,219 --> 00:34:53,917 This party. Why are we all here? 683 00:34:54,004 --> 00:34:56,224 Oh. Can't a guy just 684 00:34:56,311 --> 00:35:00,228 see his favorite people in one place at the same time? 685 00:35:00,315 --> 00:35:02,187 There's something that you're not telling me. 686 00:35:03,623 --> 00:35:06,191 Tell me, Reginald. 687 00:35:06,278 --> 00:35:11,152 Look, I don't want to lie to you, 688 00:35:11,239 --> 00:35:12,936 so-- 689 00:35:32,086 --> 00:35:33,827 I haven't seen you in a while. 690 00:35:33,914 --> 00:35:35,611 I took a vacation, 691 00:35:35,698 --> 00:35:36,917 cracked a few skulls. 692 00:35:37,004 --> 00:35:39,528 You know, me time. 693 00:35:39,615 --> 00:35:40,964 But of course, when Reginald invited me, 694 00:35:41,051 --> 00:35:42,401 I knew I had to come back, 695 00:35:42,488 --> 00:35:44,359 but not for Reginald, for Claire. 696 00:35:44,446 --> 00:35:45,926 And not just for Claire, 697 00:35:46,013 --> 00:35:47,928 though more for Claire than for Reginald. 698 00:35:48,015 --> 00:35:49,147 Though not just for Claire, either. 699 00:35:49,234 --> 00:35:50,235 Is this a riddle? 700 00:35:56,589 --> 00:35:58,808 A negative, my favorite. 701 00:36:01,681 --> 00:36:03,683 Did you just smell my blood type? 702 00:36:08,949 --> 00:36:11,125 You're a vampire. 703 00:36:11,212 --> 00:36:13,345 That doesn't scare you? 704 00:36:13,432 --> 00:36:15,129 Everything about you scares me. 705 00:36:17,349 --> 00:36:19,177 Welcome to my world. 706 00:36:19,264 --> 00:36:20,439 I think you're gonna love it here. 707 00:36:25,487 --> 00:36:27,576 Could I get everyone's attention, please? 708 00:36:35,671 --> 00:36:38,587 For the last few months, I have been a bad friend 709 00:36:38,674 --> 00:36:40,894 and boyfriend 710 00:36:40,981 --> 00:36:42,722 and employee, 711 00:36:42,809 --> 00:36:44,202 surrogate big brother, 712 00:36:44,289 --> 00:36:46,987 and last but not least, vampire. 713 00:36:47,074 --> 00:36:49,207 I, uh, didn't think anyone would want to see me anymore. 714 00:36:51,513 --> 00:36:54,037 But, uh, here you are. 715 00:36:55,778 --> 00:36:57,737 That's why I'm just very, uh, thankful 716 00:36:57,824 --> 00:36:59,565 that you all are my friends. 717 00:37:01,349 --> 00:37:04,918 And whatever tomorrow brings, 718 00:37:05,005 --> 00:37:06,311 I'm glad we have tonight. 719 00:37:10,271 --> 00:37:12,621 Uh, I'm sorry, sir, we're closed for a private-- 720 00:37:14,232 --> 00:37:16,146 Holy shit, it's him. 721 00:37:17,844 --> 00:37:20,150 What are you-- 722 00:37:20,238 --> 00:37:21,848 Do not make eye contact. 723 00:37:24,111 --> 00:37:26,156 Uh, what is happening here? 724 00:37:26,244 --> 00:37:27,636 It's him. 725 00:37:27,723 --> 00:37:29,421 I--it's--it's Logan the Reanimator, 726 00:37:29,508 --> 00:37:32,119 the--the Deacon of the Vampire Councils of America. 727 00:37:32,206 --> 00:37:33,468 His reputation precedes him. 728 00:37:36,166 --> 00:37:37,342 You must be Roger. 729 00:37:37,429 --> 00:37:39,735 It's Reginald, actually. 730 00:37:39,822 --> 00:37:41,346 If you say so. 731 00:37:42,825 --> 00:37:45,393 I thought you'd be fatter. 732 00:37:47,569 --> 00:37:49,310 Thanks. 733 00:37:49,397 --> 00:37:51,617 Sarah, maybe you should join the others. 734 00:37:51,704 --> 00:37:53,706 I kneel for no one. 735 00:37:53,793 --> 00:37:54,837 - And why is that? - Whoa, whoa. 736 00:37:54,924 --> 00:37:56,230 You're not here for her. 737 00:37:56,317 --> 00:37:58,798 How delightful. 738 00:37:58,885 --> 00:38:00,843 I was hoping for a demonstration. 739 00:38:00,930 --> 00:38:02,454 What? 740 00:38:02,541 --> 00:38:04,499 You glamour other vampires, don't you? 741 00:38:04,586 --> 00:38:06,675 Care to have a go? 742 00:38:06,762 --> 00:38:08,982 Don't look at him. 743 00:38:09,069 --> 00:38:11,463 This is a conversation between you and me. 744 00:38:11,550 --> 00:38:13,465 I don't glamour people anymore. 745 00:38:13,552 --> 00:38:16,729 Luckily, I haven't been a person for a very long time. 746 00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:23,736 Listen to me, you're gonna leave me and my friends alone. 747 00:38:23,823 --> 00:38:26,216 As you command. 748 00:38:26,304 --> 00:38:27,957 You're gonna go back to wherever you came from 749 00:38:28,044 --> 00:38:30,699 and never come to Akron again. 750 00:38:30,786 --> 00:38:32,527 As you command. 751 00:38:32,614 --> 00:38:34,050 Is that all? 752 00:38:35,965 --> 00:38:38,054 No, it--it's not. 753 00:38:38,141 --> 00:38:39,665 You're gonna decide that I don't have to take 754 00:38:39,752 --> 00:38:41,319 the Assessment and that henceforth, 755 00:38:41,406 --> 00:38:43,408 I am considered a fully-fledged-- 756 00:38:43,495 --> 00:38:45,584 A fully-fledged what? 757 00:38:52,504 --> 00:38:55,985 Please, I'm far too old for your parlor trick. 758 00:38:56,072 --> 00:38:58,640 As for the Assessment, 759 00:38:58,727 --> 00:39:00,642 it will go precisely as planned. 760 00:39:00,729 --> 00:39:02,427 You will take the tests. 761 00:39:02,514 --> 00:39:03,863 You will fail. 762 00:39:03,950 --> 00:39:06,474 You and your sire will be executed. 763 00:39:06,561 --> 00:39:09,042 And when it's all over, 764 00:39:09,129 --> 00:39:10,348 I'll forget your name. 765 00:39:17,790 --> 00:39:19,922 What the hell was that all about? 766 00:39:24,057 --> 00:39:26,668 - What an asshole. - Yeah, he's... 767 00:39:26,755 --> 00:39:28,191 What's that guy's deal? 768 00:39:28,278 --> 00:39:30,063 That's Logan the, uh... 769 00:39:30,150 --> 00:39:32,021 - Yeah. - Duplicitous... 770 00:39:32,108 --> 00:39:34,894 - Poor Reginald. - Dipshit, Devious... 771 00:39:38,506 --> 00:39:40,378 Well, no, the Deacon of all the vampires... 772 00:39:42,641 --> 00:39:44,991 Hey. 773 00:39:45,078 --> 00:39:47,080 Is Reginald okay? 774 00:39:49,865 --> 00:39:51,389 You're gonna die. 775 00:39:51,476 --> 00:39:53,391 That's what this party is about, isn't it? 776 00:39:53,478 --> 00:39:56,350 Some sort of, like, living wake. 777 00:39:58,439 --> 00:40:00,876 I mean, I just got used to you being a vampire. 778 00:40:00,963 --> 00:40:03,096 I'm not sure that I'm ready for you to die. 779 00:40:03,183 --> 00:40:05,141 Everything's okay, I promise you. 780 00:40:05,228 --> 00:40:07,709 I got them right where I want them, right? 781 00:40:07,796 --> 00:40:11,844 The last ace up my kind of shortish sleeve. 782 00:40:11,931 --> 00:40:13,149 You're lying. 783 00:40:13,236 --> 00:40:15,021 I'm not. 784 00:40:15,108 --> 00:40:16,718 Don't tell me you're not, Reginald. 785 00:40:16,805 --> 00:40:19,634 Despite everything, 786 00:40:19,721 --> 00:40:21,419 I still know you. 787 00:40:22,681 --> 00:40:24,291 I'm so scared. 788 00:40:27,729 --> 00:40:30,036 In less than 24 hours, 789 00:40:30,123 --> 00:40:34,214 no matter how hard I try or plan, 790 00:40:34,301 --> 00:40:36,172 no matter how much I want to live 791 00:40:36,259 --> 00:40:39,349 or--or how much I have to live for, 792 00:40:39,437 --> 00:40:42,788 there's a distinct possibility that I'm gonna be gone, 793 00:40:42,875 --> 00:40:44,920 absent from all of this. 794 00:40:46,182 --> 00:40:50,665 I want to be brave, but I don't think I can be. 795 00:40:50,752 --> 00:40:53,059 How can I help? 796 00:40:53,146 --> 00:40:55,322 You can't. 797 00:40:55,409 --> 00:41:01,023 The vampire world is run by a group of exclusive assholes. 798 00:41:01,110 --> 00:41:03,548 Someone like me never had a chance. 799 00:41:03,635 --> 00:41:06,638 So it's just like the real world then? 800 00:41:06,725 --> 00:41:08,640 I can work with that. - You can't. 801 00:41:08,727 --> 00:41:10,119 The game is rigged. 802 00:41:10,206 --> 00:41:11,947 Then don't play their game. 803 00:41:13,645 --> 00:41:16,343 Reg, you got to make me a vampire. 804 00:41:16,430 --> 00:41:17,605 And I will not take no for an answer. 805 00:41:17,692 --> 00:41:19,085 - No. - Oh, come on. 806 00:41:19,172 --> 00:41:20,869 I'd be perfect at it. 807 00:41:20,956 --> 00:41:22,958 I'll blend right in. I could be your secret weapon. 808 00:41:23,045 --> 00:41:24,873 - For what? - You know, for whatever 809 00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:27,093 Thunderdome Assessment shit that suit was talking about. 810 00:41:27,180 --> 00:41:28,834 I'll dress up as a janitor. 811 00:41:28,921 --> 00:41:30,575 No one will suspect me. 812 00:41:30,662 --> 00:41:33,012 So when you're all like, "Oh, no, tests are so hard," 813 00:41:33,099 --> 00:41:34,579 that's when I'll surprise everyone. 814 00:41:34,666 --> 00:41:37,582 It is I, Todd the Vampire, to the rescue. 815 00:41:39,148 --> 00:41:40,628 And everyone will come at me, right? 816 00:41:40,715 --> 00:41:42,412 But that's okay, because I got my janitor broom, 817 00:41:42,500 --> 00:41:44,371 and I'll break it right across my quad. 818 00:41:44,458 --> 00:41:46,329 Oh, look who's got a stake now. 819 00:41:46,416 --> 00:41:47,635 And that's when I'll say, 820 00:41:47,722 --> 00:41:49,898 "It's time to take out the trash." 821 00:41:52,945 --> 00:41:54,903 'Cause I'm the janitor? - Oh, got it. 822 00:41:54,990 --> 00:41:57,776 So then me and Mr. Pointy will go all, like, kah-dusto. 823 00:41:57,863 --> 00:42:01,954 Whoo! 824 00:42:02,041 --> 00:42:05,218 Yah! Hoo! Yeah, baby! 825 00:42:05,305 --> 00:42:07,873 All the vampires will be dead, and Maurice will be safe. 826 00:42:07,960 --> 00:42:09,004 Don't you mean Reginald? 827 00:42:09,091 --> 00:42:11,746 Yeah, sure, Reginald too. 828 00:42:11,833 --> 00:42:14,009 Todd the Vampire to the rescue. 829 00:42:14,096 --> 00:42:16,490 Everybody needs a catchphrase. 830 00:42:16,577 --> 00:42:20,320 You know, I think you're onto something, Todd. 831 00:42:20,407 --> 00:42:21,800 Wait, what? 832 00:42:21,887 --> 00:42:23,062 I'll grant your wish. 833 00:42:24,933 --> 00:42:26,500 I'll turn you into a vampire. 834 00:42:26,587 --> 00:42:28,458 - You will? - Yes. 835 00:42:28,546 --> 00:42:29,547 Him? 836 00:42:30,722 --> 00:42:31,723 Hey! 837 00:42:31,810 --> 00:42:33,507 Hey. Where are you going? 838 00:42:33,594 --> 00:42:35,161 I got a date with the final puzzle piece. 839 00:42:35,248 --> 00:42:37,642 You found the missing piece? 840 00:42:37,729 --> 00:42:39,861 Where? Hey, wh--what is it, Reggie? 841 00:42:39,948 --> 00:42:42,472 Don't worry, I got this. 55391

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