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Previously on "Reginald the Vampire"...
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00:00:03,351 --> 00:00:04,352
What's your story?
3
00:00:04,439 --> 00:00:05,744
I let down and hurt
4
00:00:05,831 --> 00:00:07,616
anyone who's ever meant
anything to me.
5
00:00:07,703 --> 00:00:09,574
You lied to me.
You could have been brave.
6
00:00:09,661 --> 00:00:12,273
Instead, you chose deception.
7
00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:14,405
- Welcome to the Slushy Shack.
- You're alive.
8
00:00:14,492 --> 00:00:16,929
I was your friend,
and you made me your meal plan.
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00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,757
You try being a vampire
and see how that goes.
10
00:00:18,844 --> 00:00:21,064
You did those things
because you're an asshole.
11
00:00:21,151 --> 00:00:22,805
I want you to make
me human again.
12
00:00:22,892 --> 00:00:24,676
Now, I'm the closest
thing to a god as they come,
13
00:00:24,763 --> 00:00:27,027
but that request you're asking
is way above my pay grade.
14
00:00:27,114 --> 00:00:28,593
I'm ready to go home, Maurice.
15
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We're probably both
could end up dead.
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00:00:30,204 --> 00:00:32,206
I'll think of something.
It's what I do.
17
00:00:38,342 --> 00:00:39,648
We're shorthanded
again tomorrow.
18
00:00:39,735 --> 00:00:40,823
Would you mind
working a double?
19
00:00:40,910 --> 00:00:42,346
I'm already doing a double.
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00:00:42,433 --> 00:00:43,695
Like, currently, during
this very conversation,
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00:00:43,782 --> 00:00:46,046
I'm on my second
consecutive shift.
22
00:00:46,133 --> 00:00:47,438
Can you do another shift?
23
00:00:47,525 --> 00:00:49,440
I've got plans.
24
00:00:49,527 --> 00:00:51,573
Um, vampire hunting
isn't plans.
25
00:00:51,660 --> 00:00:52,965
It's not hunting.
It's sleuthing.
26
00:00:54,097 --> 00:00:55,751
Enjoy your slushy.
27
00:00:55,838 --> 00:00:57,231
Make the new guy do it.
28
00:00:57,318 --> 00:00:58,797
There is no new guy.
29
00:00:58,884 --> 00:01:00,103
And trying to prove
that monsters exist
30
00:01:00,190 --> 00:01:02,366
isn't sleuthing.
It's delusional.
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00:01:02,453 --> 00:01:04,107
There's really no new guy?
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00:01:04,194 --> 00:01:06,022
I could swear you did
an interview this morning.
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00:01:06,109 --> 00:01:07,937
Yeah, I did two.
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00:01:08,024 --> 00:01:09,852
Should I hire the influencer
who's available
35
00:01:09,939 --> 00:01:11,680
for three hours
every second Thursday,
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00:01:11,767 --> 00:01:13,290
or the 42-year-old who said,
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00:01:13,377 --> 00:01:15,640
and I quote,
"Maybe I could supervise."
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00:01:15,727 --> 00:01:17,077
Ugh.
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00:01:20,254 --> 00:01:22,995
They called Galileo
delusional, and he was right.
40
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:25,085
Did you know
Galileo was his first name?
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00:01:25,172 --> 00:01:26,390
In case you didn't, now you do.
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00:01:26,477 --> 00:01:28,218
Ash, please.
43
00:01:28,305 --> 00:01:30,307
I know that you've been
working a ton lately,
44
00:01:30,394 --> 00:01:33,267
but Reginald's gone and Todd--
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00:01:33,354 --> 00:01:35,095
Yeah, I guess
sleuthing can wait.
46
00:01:37,749 --> 00:01:39,360
How's my pinch?
47
00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:40,839
Still not as good
as the last guy's.
48
00:01:45,975 --> 00:01:47,281
Do you ever miss him?
49
00:01:49,761 --> 00:01:51,546
Sometimes a person comes
50
00:01:51,633 --> 00:01:55,463
into your life and just shines,
you know?
51
00:01:55,550 --> 00:01:57,769
They're like the sun
wrapping you up
52
00:01:57,856 --> 00:01:59,902
in the glow of a summer day,
53
00:01:59,989 --> 00:02:04,559
and all you want to do is
stay there and feel the warmth.
54
00:02:04,646 --> 00:02:08,345
But the sun doesn't shine
for you, you know?
55
00:02:08,432 --> 00:02:11,261
It doesn't care
about you in particular.
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00:02:11,348 --> 00:02:13,829
And it sure as hell
doesn't care if it burns,
57
00:02:13,916 --> 00:02:16,179
so do I miss getting burned?
58
00:02:16,266 --> 00:02:18,312
No.
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00:02:18,399 --> 00:02:20,009
Yeah, I miss him, too.
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00:02:21,271 --> 00:02:22,881
Hark, vampire citizens,
61
00:02:22,968 --> 00:02:25,797
I have news
of great import and joy.
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00:02:25,884 --> 00:02:28,670
What did I tell you
about being a pompous asshole?
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00:02:28,757 --> 00:02:31,499
It is with absolute pleasure
that I introduce
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00:02:31,586 --> 00:02:34,458
the new director
of the Midwest region,
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00:02:34,545 --> 00:02:36,939
Evangeline Elwood.
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00:02:39,028 --> 00:02:41,683
What the hell?
Eve?
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00:02:41,770 --> 00:02:45,774
Angela, darling,
it's so good to see you.
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00:02:45,861 --> 00:02:47,558
I'm sure you have
a million questions,
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00:02:47,645 --> 00:02:50,431
but rest assured,
I am here to serve.
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00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,564
You've been served.
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00:02:57,786 --> 00:03:00,354
I'm being reassigned
to the Yukon?
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00:03:00,441 --> 00:03:01,920
As my replacement.
73
00:03:02,007 --> 00:03:03,357
The Council wanted
to feed on your heart,
74
00:03:03,444 --> 00:03:04,923
but I convinced them
that you're far
75
00:03:05,010 --> 00:03:06,664
too valuable an asset to eat.
76
00:03:06,751 --> 00:03:08,536
- Your beneficence--
- Cut the shit, both of you.
77
00:03:08,623 --> 00:03:10,233
Eve, what the hell is this?
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00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:11,974
Angie, what did you think
would happen
79
00:03:12,061 --> 00:03:13,454
when you failed
to punish the fat vampire
80
00:03:13,541 --> 00:03:15,456
for missing
his original Assessment?
81
00:03:15,543 --> 00:03:16,935
Kill everyone he loves.
82
00:03:17,022 --> 00:03:18,372
That's standard protocol.
83
00:03:18,459 --> 00:03:20,896
I am aware
of standard protocol.
84
00:03:20,983 --> 00:03:22,767
Which makes your decision
to ignore it
85
00:03:22,854 --> 00:03:24,726
all the more damning.
86
00:03:24,813 --> 00:03:27,946
Sure, it's sweet, you did so at
the behest of Maurice Miller.
87
00:03:28,033 --> 00:03:32,081
Personally, that man can
beg me any old time.
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00:03:32,168 --> 00:03:34,692
How did you f--
89
00:03:34,779 --> 00:03:36,564
oh.
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00:03:36,651 --> 00:03:38,348
Vermin.
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00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:40,959
Darling, really?
92
00:03:41,046 --> 00:03:42,874
Mercy?
93
00:03:42,961 --> 00:03:44,746
We don't do mercy.
94
00:03:44,833 --> 00:03:46,138
That's a fatal error
best exhibited
95
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,097
by parents and priests.
96
00:03:48,184 --> 00:03:51,883
But in your case,
that was the last straw.
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00:03:51,970 --> 00:03:54,016
Goodbye, Midwest region.
98
00:03:54,103 --> 00:03:55,539
Hello, Yukon.
99
00:03:55,626 --> 00:03:57,324
No hard feelings, right?
100
00:03:57,411 --> 00:03:59,717
None at all,
Regional Director Elwood.
101
00:03:59,804 --> 00:04:01,806
Call me Eve.
102
00:04:04,461 --> 00:04:05,767
You have until the end
of the week to move your shit
103
00:04:05,854 --> 00:04:07,943
out of my house.
104
00:04:08,030 --> 00:04:09,640
I know I said
atonement was, like,
105
00:04:09,727 --> 00:04:13,122
my jam now,
but maybe we should wait
106
00:04:13,209 --> 00:04:14,602
a little more time before--
107
00:04:14,689 --> 00:04:16,995
Reggie, no time
like right this minute.
108
00:04:17,082 --> 00:04:18,693
Your Assessment is back
on the books.
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00:04:18,780 --> 00:04:20,956
When you say
"back on the books?"
110
00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:22,523
Friday morning.
111
00:04:23,741 --> 00:04:26,222
Three and a half days
until our certain doom.
112
00:04:26,309 --> 00:04:27,310
Nothing's certain.
113
00:04:29,138 --> 00:04:30,922
Okay, ticking clock.
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00:04:31,009 --> 00:04:32,446
Whole new approach.
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00:04:32,533 --> 00:04:33,838
No more skipping rope,
116
00:04:33,925 --> 00:04:36,188
more like prepping
for the SATs.
117
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:37,929
No one dies
for failing the SATs.
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00:04:38,016 --> 00:04:40,236
The thing about the SATs is
there's a whole industry
119
00:04:40,323 --> 00:04:43,370
around studying for them--
practice tests, study guides,
120
00:04:43,457 --> 00:04:44,980
that sort of thing.
- Look, we went over this.
121
00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:46,590
All that information
is privileged.
122
00:04:46,677 --> 00:04:48,462
For my Assessment, sure,
123
00:04:48,549 --> 00:04:50,638
but what about
past Assessments?
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00:04:50,725 --> 00:04:52,857
I know they're all different,
but maybe there's something
125
00:04:52,944 --> 00:04:54,381
in there that can
save our lives.
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00:04:55,643 --> 00:04:56,948
I'll see what I can dig up.
127
00:04:58,341 --> 00:04:59,951
Now, you go do the right thing.
128
00:05:13,965 --> 00:05:15,967
That'll be $11.85.
129
00:05:16,054 --> 00:05:18,100
Perfect.
130
00:05:24,236 --> 00:05:26,021
Hey!
You're not dead!
131
00:05:26,108 --> 00:05:28,371
Hey!
132
00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:30,025
You're--you're not mad at me?
133
00:05:32,897 --> 00:05:33,985
I was mad.
134
00:05:34,072 --> 00:05:35,639
Then I thought you were dead.
135
00:05:35,726 --> 00:05:37,337
Then I was scared.
136
00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:39,164
And I can't believe
you disappeared like that.
137
00:05:39,251 --> 00:05:41,036
Everyone was super worried.
138
00:05:41,123 --> 00:05:42,472
Everyone?
139
00:05:49,827 --> 00:05:51,263
Hey.
140
00:05:53,875 --> 00:05:57,052
Uh, I--I like what you did
with your hair.
141
00:05:57,139 --> 00:05:58,619
You're fired.
142
00:06:00,577 --> 00:06:03,275
Wait, is--is Todd--
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00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:05,843
You don't know, do you?
144
00:06:05,930 --> 00:06:07,149
Of course you don't.
145
00:06:07,236 --> 00:06:09,456
You've been gone.
146
00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:12,372
Todd tried to kill himself,
147
00:06:12,459 --> 00:06:13,721
right here in the Slushy Shack.
148
00:06:15,549 --> 00:06:18,465
He tried,
as in he didn't succeed--
149
00:06:18,552 --> 00:06:21,076
which, I mean,
obviously is still terrible,
150
00:06:21,163 --> 00:06:23,600
but it would have been
so much worse.
151
00:06:23,687 --> 00:06:26,168
Todd's alive.
152
00:06:26,255 --> 00:06:27,996
Todd's in the break room.
153
00:06:28,083 --> 00:06:29,954
He comes in every day.
154
00:06:30,041 --> 00:06:33,001
He just sits there, all alone.
155
00:06:33,088 --> 00:06:35,220
But he won't come out here.
156
00:06:35,307 --> 00:06:38,485
He can't because he's afraid.
157
00:06:40,530 --> 00:06:42,358
Any idea why?
158
00:06:45,448 --> 00:06:47,494
Give her time, big guy.
159
00:06:56,111 --> 00:07:00,376
Hey, there... buddy.
160
00:07:00,463 --> 00:07:01,856
Oh, shit.
161
00:07:03,161 --> 00:07:04,641
It's you.
162
00:07:04,728 --> 00:07:05,947
It's you!
163
00:07:06,034 --> 00:07:07,078
Stay away!
- Todd--
164
00:07:07,165 --> 00:07:09,037
Stay away!
165
00:07:09,124 --> 00:07:10,647
Oh, please, please,
don't kill me.
166
00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:12,214
I--I'm begging you, man.
167
00:07:12,301 --> 00:07:13,650
For all that is holy, just--
168
00:07:13,737 --> 00:07:16,000
just don't take any more
of my blood.
169
00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:19,917
I tried to tell them
what you are.
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00:07:20,004 --> 00:07:21,745
They thought I was--
171
00:07:23,965 --> 00:07:25,749
All it got me was
a 5150 psych hold,
172
00:07:25,836 --> 00:07:26,968
which let me tell you,
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00:07:27,055 --> 00:07:28,709
is no one's idea
of a good time.
174
00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:30,406
- Did you tell Sarah?
- No, I didn't tell Sarah.
175
00:07:30,493 --> 00:07:32,103
The medical community
already thinks I'm crazy.
176
00:07:32,190 --> 00:07:34,018
I'd prefer to limit the damage
to my reputation.
177
00:07:34,105 --> 00:07:36,456
So how do you know
I'm a vampire?
178
00:07:36,543 --> 00:07:39,067
Dude, you drank my blood,
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00:07:39,154 --> 00:07:42,505
like, almost all of it.
180
00:07:42,592 --> 00:07:44,159
And I didn't glamour you
to forget.
181
00:07:44,246 --> 00:07:45,813
Make me forget?
Wh--why are you saying that
182
00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:47,336
like that's just
something you can do?
183
00:07:47,423 --> 00:07:49,730
It's something I can do,
like a perk.
184
00:07:53,255 --> 00:07:57,694
Are there any other perks?
185
00:07:57,781 --> 00:07:59,261
Okay, wh--when did this
happen to you?
186
00:07:59,348 --> 00:08:01,132
How could you even keep it
a secret from--
187
00:08:02,394 --> 00:08:04,135
Hang on.
188
00:08:04,222 --> 00:08:06,790
Did you erase my memory before?
189
00:08:06,877 --> 00:08:09,967
- No, no.
- You erased my memory.
190
00:08:10,054 --> 00:08:12,579
That makes so much sense.
191
00:08:12,666 --> 00:08:14,537
You're here to do it again,
aren't you?
192
00:08:14,624 --> 00:08:16,583
You're gonna wipe my mind
like a chalkboard.
193
00:08:16,670 --> 00:08:18,062
No, no.
194
00:08:18,149 --> 00:08:19,499
I'm not gonna
erase anything, okay?
195
00:08:19,586 --> 00:08:21,109
I--I don't do that anymore.
196
00:08:22,589 --> 00:08:25,853
Besides, Maurice was
actually the one
197
00:08:25,940 --> 00:08:27,898
who erased most
of your memories when he--
198
00:08:27,985 --> 00:08:29,857
Whoa, whoa, hold up.
199
00:08:29,944 --> 00:08:32,033
Maurice is a vampire too?
200
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:33,469
You deserve
to know the whole truth.
201
00:08:33,556 --> 00:08:35,689
That actually makes
a lot of sense.
202
00:08:37,995 --> 00:08:40,128
Oh, my God.
203
00:08:40,215 --> 00:08:43,131
You're here
to finish the job, huh?
204
00:08:43,218 --> 00:08:45,002
Don't you have any other
intake options, man?
205
00:08:45,089 --> 00:08:46,526
I mean, I'm sure my blood
tastes awesome, but, like--
206
00:08:46,613 --> 00:08:49,659
Todd, I'm not here
to finish anything.
207
00:08:51,313 --> 00:08:52,967
I'm here to make amends.
208
00:08:58,146 --> 00:09:00,322
Whoa.
What are you doing?
209
00:09:03,325 --> 00:09:05,719
Drink my blood.
210
00:09:05,806 --> 00:09:07,895
It'll heal you.
211
00:09:07,982 --> 00:09:10,158
This another perk?
212
00:09:10,245 --> 00:09:11,551
Yeah.
213
00:09:13,335 --> 00:09:15,206
How do I know this
isn't another trick
214
00:09:15,293 --> 00:09:17,513
to just get me close enough
to rip my throat out again?
215
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:20,124
If I wanted to,
it would already be done.
216
00:09:20,211 --> 00:09:21,212
Fair point.
217
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:25,042
Creepy as hell, but I hear ya.
218
00:09:27,305 --> 00:09:29,046
Okay.
219
00:09:36,314 --> 00:09:38,708
I feel like this is
a really weird dream.
220
00:09:38,795 --> 00:09:39,970
Welcome to my world.
221
00:09:51,373 --> 00:09:52,722
Whoo!
222
00:09:52,809 --> 00:09:55,116
Oh!
223
00:09:55,203 --> 00:09:59,468
Whoa!
Reggie, that is crazy, dude.
224
00:09:59,555 --> 00:10:00,861
I cannot believe that.
225
00:10:00,948 --> 00:10:02,950
Dude, you're like
a wonder drug.
226
00:10:03,037 --> 00:10:06,606
I have never felt so alive.
227
00:10:09,391 --> 00:10:11,349
How do I look?
- All better now.
228
00:10:13,569 --> 00:10:17,355
What?
That is crazy.
229
00:10:17,442 --> 00:10:21,925
Look, I'm sorry
for everything I did.
230
00:10:22,012 --> 00:10:25,102
I'm sorry I didn't appreciate
what you did for me.
231
00:10:25,189 --> 00:10:28,410
You were a friend when I needed
one and I betrayed you.
232
00:10:29,803 --> 00:10:30,804
I won't do that again.
233
00:10:37,724 --> 00:10:38,986
So...
234
00:10:47,168 --> 00:10:48,648
Welcome to the Slushy Shack.
235
00:10:48,735 --> 00:10:49,953
How may I help you?
236
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:57,395
What the hell
are you doing here?
237
00:10:57,482 --> 00:10:58,570
We had a deal.
238
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,268
You spare Reginald's friends,
239
00:11:00,355 --> 00:11:03,097
and I bring him back
for his Assessment.
240
00:11:03,184 --> 00:11:04,533
What's with the suitcase?
241
00:11:04,620 --> 00:11:07,362
I'm familiar with our deal.
242
00:11:07,449 --> 00:11:08,885
Wait, you found him?
243
00:11:10,844 --> 00:11:12,715
Good for you, Maurice.
244
00:11:12,802 --> 00:11:14,282
Now---- off.
245
00:11:17,459 --> 00:11:19,156
There's one more thing.
246
00:11:19,243 --> 00:11:21,245
You're still here.
247
00:11:21,332 --> 00:11:23,726
I need access
to the archives.
248
00:11:23,813 --> 00:11:25,206
Reginald wants to read
through histories
249
00:11:25,293 --> 00:11:26,816
of the past Assessments.
250
00:11:26,903 --> 00:11:29,210
Those old books aren't going
251
00:11:29,297 --> 00:11:32,909
to help him pass or survive.
252
00:11:32,996 --> 00:11:34,215
Look, I told him
it was a long shot,
253
00:11:34,302 --> 00:11:35,390
but he wants to look anyway.
254
00:11:35,477 --> 00:11:37,000
It's not a long shot.
255
00:11:37,087 --> 00:11:39,046
It's impossible.
256
00:11:40,308 --> 00:11:43,267
And if you were half as smart
as you think you are,
257
00:11:43,354 --> 00:11:45,922
you'd be halfway
around the world by now.
258
00:11:49,012 --> 00:11:51,623
Reginald is my progeny.
259
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,626
I'm gonna stand by him
no matter what.
260
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:01,155
Believe it or not,
you taught me that.
261
00:12:01,242 --> 00:12:04,201
After what I did, you could
have left me in Oakland--
262
00:12:04,288 --> 00:12:06,638
should have,
263
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,162
but you didn't.
264
00:12:09,554 --> 00:12:12,166
All right, Maurice,
265
00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:14,690
access to the archives.
266
00:12:14,777 --> 00:12:18,825
But do not let Eve find out.
267
00:12:18,912 --> 00:12:22,263
Eve?
268
00:12:22,350 --> 00:12:24,439
What's with the suitcase
269
00:12:24,526 --> 00:12:27,572
is I got relocated
to the----ing Yukon.
270
00:12:29,966 --> 00:12:32,360
And all because
I let you talk me
271
00:12:32,447 --> 00:12:34,971
into sparing everyone
your boy loves.
272
00:12:35,058 --> 00:12:36,799
What you did was
a good thing,
273
00:12:36,886 --> 00:12:38,235
the right thing.
274
00:12:40,063 --> 00:12:43,066
Turns out mercy
is a fatal error.
275
00:12:46,722 --> 00:12:49,290
You ever wonder if you're
playing for the wrong team?
276
00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:52,815
Team?
277
00:12:52,902 --> 00:12:54,295
There are no teams.
278
00:12:54,382 --> 00:12:56,863
There are only enemies.
279
00:12:56,950 --> 00:13:00,040
My entire existence,
I have been surrounded
280
00:13:00,127 --> 00:13:02,433
by people who wanted
to take my power,
281
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:05,045
people who wanted me dead.
282
00:13:05,132 --> 00:13:08,744
But you--you were different.
283
00:13:12,313 --> 00:13:16,360
Until you wanted me dead
just like everybody else.
284
00:13:23,672 --> 00:13:25,805
Hello, Penelope.
285
00:13:25,892 --> 00:13:27,632
Something I can do for you?
286
00:13:27,719 --> 00:13:29,939
Thank goodness you're here.
287
00:13:30,026 --> 00:13:31,854
I was worried he'd do
something stupid.
288
00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:33,769
I mean, of course, he's going
to do something stupid,
289
00:13:33,856 --> 00:13:36,119
but if you talk to him,
maybe he won't wind up
290
00:13:36,206 --> 00:13:38,121
getting himself,
or even worse,
291
00:13:38,208 --> 00:13:40,471
getting me killed.
292
00:13:40,558 --> 00:13:41,646
What are you talking about?
293
00:13:41,733 --> 00:13:43,126
Who are you talking about?
294
00:13:47,043 --> 00:13:49,176
- Wick.
- Maurice's friend.
295
00:13:49,263 --> 00:13:51,352
- Mike.
- Whatever.
296
00:13:51,439 --> 00:13:53,049
Is that what I think it is?
297
00:13:54,703 --> 00:13:57,749
Mind if I give you
a little unsolicited advice?
298
00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:01,188
Maybe you noticed,
I'm down an arm.
299
00:14:01,275 --> 00:14:03,625
I'm missing that limb because
a certain lady found out
300
00:14:03,712 --> 00:14:05,540
that I'm dealing
in what you came here for.
301
00:14:06,889 --> 00:14:08,499
I got off lucky.
302
00:14:08,586 --> 00:14:11,415
Are you feeling lucky, Mike?
303
00:14:17,682 --> 00:14:18,727
Lucky enough.
304
00:14:27,127 --> 00:14:28,955
- Angel's Blood.
- Oddly enough,
305
00:14:29,042 --> 00:14:30,739
I originally acquired that
for another client
306
00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:33,437
with whom you are familiar.
307
00:14:33,524 --> 00:14:36,179
Oddly enough, this blood is
intended for the same target.
308
00:14:42,098 --> 00:14:43,534
We're officially boned.
309
00:14:45,493 --> 00:14:46,886
Nothing?
310
00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:48,583
A resounding amount
of nothing.
311
00:14:48,670 --> 00:14:50,628
I've read the minutes
of every past Assessment,
312
00:14:50,715 --> 00:14:52,935
every single one
of the vampire histories,
313
00:14:53,022 --> 00:14:55,329
which, by the way,
read a lot more
314
00:14:55,416 --> 00:14:56,808
like erotica than history.
315
00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,506
- Accurate too.
- I've even read
316
00:14:58,593 --> 00:15:01,726
all the vampire bylaws,
thousands of them.
317
00:15:01,813 --> 00:15:06,122
So while in theory,
I'm ready to take the bar,
318
00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:08,255
there isn't a single loophole
that will help me pass it.
319
00:15:09,865 --> 00:15:12,563
Reggie, did you talk
to Sarah?
320
00:15:12,650 --> 00:15:15,784
I--um, sort of.
321
00:15:15,871 --> 00:15:18,569
We said hi,
and then she fired me.
322
00:15:18,656 --> 00:15:19,657
But what does that have
to do with anything?
323
00:15:19,744 --> 00:15:21,311
Stop.
324
00:15:21,398 --> 00:15:22,878
Look, I don't care
about your personal life,
325
00:15:22,965 --> 00:15:24,749
but if you're telling me
you read 14,000 pages...
326
00:15:24,836 --> 00:15:26,447
14,297.
327
00:15:26,534 --> 00:15:28,101
And came up empty,
328
00:15:28,188 --> 00:15:29,363
then it's not
because there's nothing.
329
00:15:29,450 --> 00:15:30,973
It's because you're distracted.
330
00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:31,974
What if she doesn't
want to talk to me?
331
00:15:32,061 --> 00:15:34,194
Again, don't care.
332
00:15:34,281 --> 00:15:35,978
Go tie up your loose ends,
333
00:15:36,065 --> 00:15:37,893
and then get your head
back in the game
334
00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:39,982
like our lives depend on it.
335
00:15:42,550 --> 00:15:44,856
Closing time, huh?
336
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,337
You need any help?
Something I could do?
337
00:15:49,426 --> 00:15:51,863
So, um, I think I owe you
an explanation.
338
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,778
No, Reginald,
you really don't.
339
00:15:53,865 --> 00:15:55,519
No, I think I do,
and if you could just stop
340
00:15:55,606 --> 00:15:58,087
and listen for 60 seconds,
it's all I need.
341
00:15:59,784 --> 00:16:01,699
Okay, wow, I didn't think
you'd actually stop.
342
00:16:01,786 --> 00:16:03,527
- You have 50 seconds.
- Got it.
343
00:16:03,614 --> 00:16:05,312
I guess I have to do this now.
344
00:16:05,399 --> 00:16:07,879
Direct and to the point,
no buildups.
345
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,403
Uh, no softening the blow.
346
00:16:09,490 --> 00:16:10,839
40 seconds.
347
00:16:12,406 --> 00:16:14,277
I'm a vampire.
348
00:16:14,364 --> 00:16:16,758
I wasn't always
like that, but--
349
00:16:16,845 --> 00:16:18,499
a--a vampire, I mean.
350
00:16:20,283 --> 00:16:22,285
I got turned the night
we were supposed to go
351
00:16:22,372 --> 00:16:24,331
on our first date,
352
00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:27,116
which you don't remember, right.
353
00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:29,379
That's something else
I have to explain.
354
00:16:29,466 --> 00:16:33,688
Vampires have this power
called glamouring.
355
00:16:33,775 --> 00:16:35,907
Basically, we have the power
356
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:39,476
to influence people
in major ways.
357
00:16:39,563 --> 00:16:41,826
The reason why you had
all these memory gaps
358
00:16:41,913 --> 00:16:44,003
is because someone--not me,
359
00:16:44,090 --> 00:16:47,180
glamoured you
into forgetting how you feel.
360
00:16:47,267 --> 00:16:50,226
Someone glamoured me
361
00:16:50,313 --> 00:16:53,012
into forgetting
how I felt about you?
362
00:16:53,099 --> 00:16:54,622
It's hard to believe, I know.
363
00:16:54,709 --> 00:16:57,364
No, no, it's not.
364
00:16:57,451 --> 00:16:58,452
No.
365
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,456
You know, actually,
it makes a lot of sense,
366
00:17:02,543 --> 00:17:03,457
if you think about it.
367
00:17:03,544 --> 00:17:04,719
Let me think about that
368
00:17:04,806 --> 00:17:06,242
for a minute.
369
00:17:06,329 --> 00:17:09,158
Yeah, thinking.
Still thinking.
370
00:17:09,245 --> 00:17:11,987
Give--just a couple
more seconds of thinking.
371
00:17:13,815 --> 00:17:16,948
How stupid do you think
that I am, huh?
372
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:20,300
Like, on a scale of one
to ten, how stupid?
373
00:17:20,387 --> 00:17:21,953
No, that's--
that's not at all.
374
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,520
Are you sure?
375
00:17:23,607 --> 00:17:26,871
Because you just told me
that you were a vampire.
376
00:17:26,958 --> 00:17:29,570
It's the truth, I swear.
377
00:17:29,657 --> 00:17:32,877
The truth
is that you lied to me.
378
00:17:32,964 --> 00:17:35,750
And when you got caught,
you left town.
379
00:17:35,837 --> 00:17:39,449
So I guess that makes you
a coward too, huh?
380
00:17:39,536 --> 00:17:43,236
Yeah, a coward and an asshole.
381
00:17:43,323 --> 00:17:47,196
And now you're back, which is
really confusing for me
382
00:17:47,283 --> 00:17:50,330
because it's all
that I ever wanted,
383
00:17:50,417 --> 00:17:54,508
for you to come back
and open up and be honest.
384
00:17:54,595 --> 00:17:58,642
And sure, it was always
gonna be a big mess,
385
00:17:58,729 --> 00:18:00,731
but at least I'd know
the truth.
386
00:18:00,818 --> 00:18:03,647
So I'm sorry, Reginald.
387
00:18:03,734 --> 00:18:07,303
You don't get to tell
me some insane story
388
00:18:07,390 --> 00:18:10,524
and then swear that it's true.
389
00:18:10,611 --> 00:18:13,309
I'm done with your lies.
390
00:18:13,396 --> 00:18:14,876
I'm done with your truth.
391
00:18:14,963 --> 00:18:18,358
I am just... done.
392
00:18:23,580 --> 00:18:24,973
Sa--
393
00:18:32,328 --> 00:18:34,113
As much as it flatters me,
394
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,244
are you sure you can risk
395
00:18:35,331 --> 00:18:36,811
bringing me home like this?
396
00:18:38,204 --> 00:18:39,422
It's not my home anymore.
397
00:18:39,509 --> 00:18:40,858
There's a story behind that.
398
00:18:40,945 --> 00:18:43,252
Now, you're gonna tell me
399
00:18:43,339 --> 00:18:44,949
until you make me forget.
400
00:18:45,036 --> 00:18:46,386
Not this time.
401
00:18:49,824 --> 00:18:50,955
Listen to me.
402
00:18:52,653 --> 00:18:54,611
Remember.
403
00:18:54,698 --> 00:18:58,137
Remember everything
I have ever told you.
404
00:19:02,967 --> 00:19:04,012
Oh.
405
00:19:09,496 --> 00:19:10,584
No.
406
00:19:10,671 --> 00:19:12,629
Now you know.
407
00:19:22,204 --> 00:19:24,902
Reginald never showed up
for his Assessment.
408
00:19:24,989 --> 00:19:27,905
And now he's back,
409
00:19:27,992 --> 00:19:29,646
not that it matters.
410
00:19:31,474 --> 00:19:33,694
The Council has transferred me
to another time zone.
411
00:19:33,781 --> 00:19:35,348
Why?
412
00:19:35,435 --> 00:19:36,653
It doesn't matter now.
413
00:19:36,740 --> 00:19:38,655
You're leaving town?
414
00:19:38,742 --> 00:19:40,701
Will I ever see you again?
415
00:19:40,788 --> 00:19:42,703
Maybe glamour me
a sudden desire
416
00:19:42,790 --> 00:19:46,054
to travel or a work trip?
417
00:19:46,141 --> 00:19:48,839
I can leave the kids at home.
418
00:19:48,926 --> 00:19:50,406
I'll go wherever you want.
419
00:19:50,493 --> 00:19:52,321
No more glamouring for you.
420
00:19:54,149 --> 00:19:55,977
This really is goodbye,
isn't it?
421
00:19:57,718 --> 00:19:59,415
Thank you for giving me back
my memories.
422
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,638
All of your stories.
423
00:20:04,725 --> 00:20:08,555
If it is any consolation,
424
00:20:08,642 --> 00:20:12,428
I have no intention of going
gently into that good night.
425
00:20:12,515 --> 00:20:17,433
Think of it like me burning
the place down on my way out.
426
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:20,958
But what if you get
caught in the flames?
427
00:20:21,045 --> 00:20:23,570
What--
428
00:20:23,657 --> 00:20:25,920
Then I go out
in a blaze of glory.
429
00:20:26,007 --> 00:20:30,098
Oh, you--
you really have changed.
430
00:20:30,185 --> 00:20:32,056
The Angela I met
all those years ago
431
00:20:32,143 --> 00:20:34,581
wouldn't burn the place down.
432
00:20:34,668 --> 00:20:37,453
She would make her enemies
set themselves on fire.
433
00:20:49,639 --> 00:20:50,988
I'm a vampire.
434
00:20:55,428 --> 00:20:56,559
Listen to me.
435
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:03,174
Vampires have this power
called glamouring.
436
00:21:06,134 --> 00:21:07,570
Basically, we use it
to influence people
437
00:21:07,657 --> 00:21:09,659
in major ways.
438
00:21:31,246 --> 00:21:33,161
Show me your fangs.
439
00:21:33,248 --> 00:21:34,641
Hey, Sarah.
440
00:21:34,728 --> 00:21:36,599
You said that
you were a vampire.
441
00:21:36,686 --> 00:21:39,298
Vampires have fangs,
and I want to see them.
442
00:21:39,385 --> 00:21:43,606
Look, about what I said...
443
00:21:43,693 --> 00:21:47,131
maybe we should just forget
about all of that, okay?
444
00:21:47,218 --> 00:21:49,395
I'm a clueless asshole,
445
00:21:49,482 --> 00:21:53,921
and you can consign me
to the dustbin of your history.
446
00:21:54,008 --> 00:21:57,272
Show me, Reginald.
447
00:22:01,885 --> 00:22:03,060
Oh.
448
00:22:09,763 --> 00:22:11,199
You were telling me the truth.
449
00:22:11,286 --> 00:22:13,723
Can I put my teeth away now?
450
00:22:17,466 --> 00:22:21,296
If you lied,
this would be so much easier
451
00:22:21,383 --> 00:22:23,690
for me to wrap my head around
452
00:22:23,777 --> 00:22:26,562
because you'd be
a lying shitbag,
453
00:22:26,649 --> 00:22:29,652
but you're
a truth-telling shitbag.
454
00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:34,483
You're my
truth-telling shitbag.
455
00:22:34,570 --> 00:22:37,443
But I'm not saying that I want
to get back together.
456
00:22:37,530 --> 00:22:40,184
I'm not sure that I'm ever
gonna be ready for that,
457
00:22:40,271 --> 00:22:44,232
but so much has happened.
458
00:22:45,668 --> 00:22:48,149
Look, can I just come in and--
459
00:22:51,370 --> 00:22:55,939
As much as I want you to...
460
00:22:56,026 --> 00:22:57,158
I don't think you should.
461
00:22:59,334 --> 00:23:02,468
I'm a vampire and you're human,
462
00:23:02,555 --> 00:23:06,123
so this is what's best.
463
00:23:19,006 --> 00:23:20,834
Oh, hell no.
464
00:23:20,921 --> 00:23:22,357
Hello, Reginald.
465
00:23:22,444 --> 00:23:23,880
You're here to kill me,
aren't you?
466
00:23:23,967 --> 00:23:25,926
The Assessment's not
until another 36 hours.
467
00:23:26,013 --> 00:23:27,493
I'm pretty sure this is
a violation of governing bylaw,
468
00:23:27,580 --> 00:23:29,495
and believe me,
I know every one.
469
00:23:33,934 --> 00:23:35,501
Open them.
470
00:23:40,027 --> 00:23:43,247
It's everything you need
to know about your Assessment.
471
00:23:43,334 --> 00:23:45,336
Everything I could find, anyway.
472
00:23:45,424 --> 00:23:47,295
I figure you had
a better chance of passing
473
00:23:47,382 --> 00:23:48,731
if you knew the shape
of the thing.
474
00:23:50,167 --> 00:23:51,473
Holy motherload.
475
00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:53,693
You're welcome.
476
00:23:53,780 --> 00:23:55,956
Why?
I mean, thank you,
477
00:23:56,043 --> 00:23:59,438
but how do I know
this isn't a trap?
478
00:23:59,525 --> 00:24:01,831
You don't.
479
00:24:11,667 --> 00:24:13,364
Beware of Greeks
bearing gifts.
480
00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:15,062
Or alternatively,
vampire monsters
481
00:24:15,149 --> 00:24:16,498
who hate the ground I walk on.
482
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,197
I spoke to Angela yesterday.
483
00:24:20,284 --> 00:24:22,112
She didn't say anything
about this.
484
00:24:22,199 --> 00:24:24,724
But maybe this is
a good thing.
485
00:24:24,811 --> 00:24:26,377
Oh, this is better than good.
486
00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:28,728
This is the Holy Grail.
487
00:24:28,815 --> 00:24:31,034
That's what bothers me.
- Angela's got an angle.
488
00:24:31,121 --> 00:24:32,645
- Yeah.
- Ugh.
489
00:24:32,732 --> 00:24:34,560
Yeah, Angela's
always got an angle,
490
00:24:34,647 --> 00:24:36,431
but here we are.
491
00:24:36,518 --> 00:24:37,911
I--I'm confused.
492
00:24:37,998 --> 00:24:39,869
Are we trusting Angela now?
493
00:24:39,956 --> 00:24:42,176
No.
No, no, no, hell no.
494
00:24:42,263 --> 00:24:43,612
Okay, but as it stands,
495
00:24:43,699 --> 00:24:45,179
this is the best shot
we've got,
496
00:24:45,266 --> 00:24:47,442
so why don't you just dig in,
see what's what,
497
00:24:47,529 --> 00:24:50,401
and I'll try and find out
what Angie's up to.
498
00:24:50,489 --> 00:24:51,577
Watch me work.
499
00:25:00,455 --> 00:25:01,935
That's your plan,
500
00:25:02,022 --> 00:25:03,545
dose Angela's wine?
501
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:08,071
Gotta say,
there's poetry in it,
502
00:25:08,158 --> 00:25:09,899
considering she pulled that
shit on me in this very room.
503
00:25:09,986 --> 00:25:12,293
If you care about
saving Reginald's life,
504
00:25:12,380 --> 00:25:14,208
you won't try to stop me.
505
00:25:15,949 --> 00:25:18,299
Killing Angela won't
stop the Assessment.
506
00:25:18,386 --> 00:25:20,214
You came here to kill her.
507
00:25:20,301 --> 00:25:21,911
I'm just finishing
what you started.
508
00:25:21,998 --> 00:25:24,697
Funny thing, turns out
revenge has a shelf life.
509
00:25:24,784 --> 00:25:26,350
When Angela takes a debt,
510
00:25:26,437 --> 00:25:28,439
she makes sure
it's never repaid.
511
00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:31,530
The evil that she's done
that I've been a party to,
512
00:25:31,617 --> 00:25:33,314
I need to be free of that.
513
00:25:33,401 --> 00:25:35,055
I get it.
I really do.
514
00:25:35,142 --> 00:25:37,797
But right now,
I need Angela alive.
515
00:25:37,884 --> 00:25:39,929
Trust me, okay?
516
00:25:44,281 --> 00:25:45,544
Okay.
517
00:25:53,029 --> 00:25:55,075
What do you want, Todd?
518
00:26:01,211 --> 00:26:02,473
Did I ever tell you
about my dad?
519
00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:04,475
I'm not sure why you would.
520
00:26:04,563 --> 00:26:07,783
He was a bull on steroids,
521
00:26:07,870 --> 00:26:08,871
minus the steroids.
522
00:26:08,958 --> 00:26:10,438
Which makes him a bull.
523
00:26:10,525 --> 00:26:12,396
The man could bench 450
in his sleep,
524
00:26:12,483 --> 00:26:14,485
run a marathon
before breakfast.
525
00:26:14,573 --> 00:26:16,487
This one time,
we were camping,
526
00:26:16,575 --> 00:26:19,534
and a bear wandered
onto our campsite.
527
00:26:19,621 --> 00:26:24,670
My dad punched it right
in the face--
528
00:26:24,757 --> 00:26:26,585
an actual bear.
529
00:26:28,804 --> 00:26:31,198
Mm, I guess he was
a bull on steroids.
530
00:26:31,285 --> 00:26:33,722
Course, that bear killed him.
531
00:26:36,507 --> 00:26:37,552
Damn.
532
00:26:38,988 --> 00:26:40,947
Yeah, it was--
533
00:26:42,557 --> 00:26:44,037
It was awful.
534
00:26:46,822 --> 00:26:48,345
Worst thing I ever saw.
535
00:26:50,043 --> 00:26:52,175
I don't want to get killed
by a bear.
536
00:26:54,525 --> 00:26:55,831
I want to live forever.
537
00:26:58,965 --> 00:27:00,923
I want you
to make me a vampire.
538
00:27:04,100 --> 00:27:05,885
I knew it.
539
00:27:05,972 --> 00:27:07,713
Reginald's a vampire,
and that means vampires exist,
540
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:10,367
so that means I was right.
541
00:27:10,454 --> 00:27:12,239
This explains so much.
542
00:27:12,326 --> 00:27:14,284
It does?
543
00:27:14,371 --> 00:27:15,938
When Reginald
texted us saying
544
00:27:16,025 --> 00:27:17,505
that he wanted to have
a party at the Slushy,
545
00:27:17,592 --> 00:27:19,028
I thought, that's weird.
546
00:27:19,115 --> 00:27:20,377
- Right?
- But now don't you see?
547
00:27:20,464 --> 00:27:22,815
It's his vampire
coming out party.
548
00:27:22,902 --> 00:27:24,730
He didn't seem like
he was in the party mood
549
00:27:24,817 --> 00:27:25,818
when I went to go see him.
550
00:27:25,905 --> 00:27:27,994
Was this before or after
551
00:27:28,081 --> 00:27:29,865
you stomped all over his heart?
552
00:27:29,952 --> 00:27:31,562
I didn't stomp.
553
00:27:31,650 --> 00:27:33,695
I was very gentle.
554
00:27:33,782 --> 00:27:36,002
You asked to see his fangs,
he shows you his fangs.
555
00:27:36,089 --> 00:27:39,701
And then you said,
"Thanks for nothing.
556
00:27:39,788 --> 00:27:42,878
Peace out forever, Nosferatu."
557
00:27:42,965 --> 00:27:45,489
I'm paraphrasing.
558
00:27:45,576 --> 00:27:49,276
But then he said,
"It's better this way."
559
00:27:49,363 --> 00:27:50,843
Why would it be better?
560
00:27:50,930 --> 00:27:52,496
Because love
is a fiction created
561
00:27:52,583 --> 00:27:56,022
by greeting card companies
to sell greeting cards.
562
00:27:56,109 --> 00:27:58,154
He told me the truth.
I got closure.
563
00:27:58,241 --> 00:27:59,895
We're done.
564
00:27:59,982 --> 00:28:02,115
Except, I can't shake the fact
565
00:28:02,202 --> 00:28:04,595
that he's holding
something back again.
566
00:28:06,423 --> 00:28:09,426
Other than being a vampire,
what's left to hold back?
567
00:28:11,211 --> 00:28:12,560
Hard to argue with that.
568
00:28:12,647 --> 00:28:15,563
Admit it, I would make
a great vampire.
569
00:28:15,650 --> 00:28:17,565
- It's not gonna happen, Todd.
- Why not?
570
00:28:17,652 --> 00:28:19,698
I am fit.
I'm fine.
571
00:28:19,785 --> 00:28:22,875
I'd make an awesome addition
to the undead community.
572
00:28:22,962 --> 00:28:24,920
I mean, my organizational
skills alone could be--
573
00:28:25,007 --> 00:28:27,575
You'll be stuck
in place forever.
574
00:28:27,662 --> 00:28:28,837
All right, ask Reggie.
575
00:28:33,189 --> 00:28:35,017
And now you're shirtless.
576
00:28:35,104 --> 00:28:36,584
Why in the hell wouldn't
I want to be stuck like this?
577
00:28:36,671 --> 00:28:38,760
Because you're an idiot.
578
00:28:38,847 --> 00:28:40,980
Yeah, but I'm a happy idiot.
579
00:28:41,067 --> 00:28:43,286
Isn't that what counts?
580
00:28:43,373 --> 00:28:44,635
Come on.
581
00:28:46,072 --> 00:28:48,857
If you made me a vampire,
582
00:28:48,944 --> 00:28:50,946
then we could--
583
00:28:51,033 --> 00:28:52,731
We could what?
584
00:28:58,171 --> 00:29:01,565
This is the best version
of me.
585
00:29:01,652 --> 00:29:05,178
It is all downhill from here.
586
00:29:05,265 --> 00:29:08,529
No matter what I do,
I'm gonna get older.
587
00:29:08,616 --> 00:29:10,226
And I'll look
in that mirror one day,
588
00:29:10,313 --> 00:29:11,880
and I'm gonna see a stranger
looking back at me.
589
00:29:14,143 --> 00:29:15,841
But not today.
590
00:29:17,756 --> 00:29:19,061
Today, I'm perfect.
591
00:29:22,499 --> 00:29:24,850
I'm sorry, Todd.
592
00:29:24,937 --> 00:29:27,461
I can't help you.
593
00:29:39,038 --> 00:29:40,561
It's open.
594
00:29:44,783 --> 00:29:46,219
Sorry I'm late.
595
00:29:46,306 --> 00:29:47,786
I got delayed.
596
00:29:49,091 --> 00:29:50,614
You're stressed.
597
00:29:50,701 --> 00:29:51,702
Angela----ed us, didn't she?
598
00:29:51,790 --> 00:29:53,052
We got nothing?
599
00:29:53,139 --> 00:29:54,793
Oh, it's not nothing.
600
00:29:54,880 --> 00:29:56,142
It's everything.
601
00:29:56,229 --> 00:29:57,621
A detailed year-by-year
breakdown
602
00:29:57,708 --> 00:29:59,145
of every Assessment test,
603
00:29:59,232 --> 00:30:01,451
including benchmarks
I needed to pass,
604
00:30:01,538 --> 00:30:04,324
info on all the vampire guests.
605
00:30:04,411 --> 00:30:07,501
Take Logan the Crepuscular,
606
00:30:07,588 --> 00:30:09,459
Deacon of the Council
of the Americas,
607
00:30:09,546 --> 00:30:12,811
whose hobbies include
decapitation, disemboweling--
608
00:30:12,898 --> 00:30:15,030
And dancing.
609
00:30:15,117 --> 00:30:17,206
Well, you should
see him tango.
610
00:30:17,293 --> 00:30:19,339
Next, we have
the sun chamber.
611
00:30:19,426 --> 00:30:20,644
What happens
in the sun chamber?
612
00:30:20,731 --> 00:30:23,473
I'm glad you asked.
613
00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:25,127
As you can see
by this detailed rendering,
614
00:30:25,214 --> 00:30:27,086
someone is chained to a post,
615
00:30:27,173 --> 00:30:29,958
and, oh, they're on fire.
616
00:30:30,045 --> 00:30:31,655
So basically,
that's where I'll die.
617
00:30:31,742 --> 00:30:33,788
Oh, but not before
Logan the Duplicitous adds in
618
00:30:33,875 --> 00:30:36,573
a little light knife torture
because why not
619
00:30:36,660 --> 00:30:38,184
make a meal
of my painful death?
620
00:30:38,271 --> 00:30:40,229
Hey.
Look, take a breath.
621
00:30:40,316 --> 00:30:42,666
Focus on the test.
622
00:30:42,753 --> 00:30:43,842
You said there were benchmarks.
623
00:30:45,931 --> 00:30:48,803
Historically speaking,
624
00:30:48,890 --> 00:30:51,545
these are just tests designed
for me to fail.
625
00:30:51,632 --> 00:30:54,243
Okay, then you need
to think of a plan
626
00:30:54,330 --> 00:30:56,942
not to pass, to survive.
627
00:30:57,029 --> 00:30:59,292
I thought of several,
but nothing that doesn't end
628
00:30:59,379 --> 00:31:01,424
in one or both of us dying.
629
00:31:01,511 --> 00:31:06,821
It's like a puzzle
that's missing one huge piece.
630
00:31:06,908 --> 00:31:07,822
And without it, I'm--
631
00:31:11,173 --> 00:31:14,220
That's my reminder
to go set up for my party.
632
00:31:14,307 --> 00:31:17,179
I should probably call
everyone and cancel.
633
00:31:17,266 --> 00:31:18,398
Hey.
634
00:31:20,966 --> 00:31:24,708
Look, Reggie, if tonight is
your last night on Earth--
635
00:31:24,795 --> 00:31:28,364
if...
636
00:31:28,451 --> 00:31:30,192
then you should probably
say goodbye to your friends.
637
00:31:41,900 --> 00:31:43,379
Pizza and cookies?
638
00:31:43,466 --> 00:31:45,381
These are a few
of my favorite foods.
639
00:31:47,688 --> 00:31:49,995
Nice.
640
00:32:10,711 --> 00:32:11,755
You like pizza?
641
00:32:14,976 --> 00:32:16,935
We've got a metric ton of it.
642
00:32:21,983 --> 00:32:23,419
She'll be here.
643
00:32:23,506 --> 00:32:25,465
- You don't know that.
- Sure I do.
644
00:32:25,552 --> 00:32:26,901
She said she had to stop off
and get something
645
00:32:26,988 --> 00:32:28,381
from home first.
646
00:32:33,429 --> 00:32:34,517
Told you.
647
00:32:35,692 --> 00:32:36,693
You came.
648
00:32:36,780 --> 00:32:37,956
Hey, I love a party.
649
00:32:40,436 --> 00:32:43,048
- What's in the bag?
- Something
650
00:32:43,135 --> 00:32:47,139
I've been saving
for a special occasion.
651
00:33:11,032 --> 00:33:12,555
I'm really gonna miss this.
652
00:33:21,651 --> 00:33:23,262
Claire, we need to talk.
653
00:33:23,349 --> 00:33:24,741
That's what my mom says
when I'm in trouble.
654
00:33:24,828 --> 00:33:26,308
You're not in trouble.
655
00:33:26,395 --> 00:33:27,570
Not any more
than usual, anyway.
656
00:33:27,657 --> 00:33:28,876
Very funny.
657
00:33:30,834 --> 00:33:34,360
It looks like I'm gonna
be gone for a while, okay?
658
00:33:34,447 --> 00:33:36,666
But I want you to know
659
00:33:36,753 --> 00:33:40,279
that whatever happens,
you won't be alone.
660
00:33:40,366 --> 00:33:41,932
That's ominous.
Why is that so ominous?
661
00:33:42,020 --> 00:33:43,499
You'd think
my middle name is ominous,
662
00:33:43,586 --> 00:33:45,327
but my middle name is Cynthia.
663
00:33:45,414 --> 00:33:47,982
- Nikki.
- Sorry I'm late.
664
00:33:48,069 --> 00:33:50,158
Nikki's gonna be here to
protect you when you need her.
665
00:33:50,245 --> 00:33:52,030
She's like a fairy godmother
with a chainsaw.
666
00:34:00,734 --> 00:34:03,128
Oh, look,
667
00:34:03,215 --> 00:34:06,522
she's still here
in all her former glory.
668
00:34:06,609 --> 00:34:08,350
What is it, bottom feeders?
669
00:34:08,437 --> 00:34:10,657
Is that tone
really necessary?
670
00:34:10,744 --> 00:34:12,528
We're here
on official business.
671
00:34:12,615 --> 00:34:15,140
Logan the Impermeable has
requested your attendance
672
00:34:15,227 --> 00:34:16,489
at tomorrow's Assessment.
673
00:34:16,576 --> 00:34:18,491
He has?
674
00:34:18,578 --> 00:34:19,970
As a lowly page.
675
00:34:20,058 --> 00:34:21,363
What?
676
00:34:23,104 --> 00:34:27,369
I am not some lackey
to be given menial tasks.
677
00:34:27,456 --> 00:34:28,762
That's your job.
678
00:34:28,849 --> 00:34:31,243
Ah, but you are.
679
00:34:31,330 --> 00:34:34,550
And here's the paperwork
to prove it.
680
00:34:46,258 --> 00:34:48,912
Reginald, what is this?
681
00:34:48,999 --> 00:34:51,132
Uh, double pepperoni.
682
00:34:51,219 --> 00:34:53,917
This party.
Why are we all here?
683
00:34:54,004 --> 00:34:56,224
Oh.
Can't a guy just
684
00:34:56,311 --> 00:35:00,228
see his favorite people
in one place at the same time?
685
00:35:00,315 --> 00:35:02,187
There's something
that you're not telling me.
686
00:35:03,623 --> 00:35:06,191
Tell me, Reginald.
687
00:35:06,278 --> 00:35:11,152
Look, I don't want
to lie to you,
688
00:35:11,239 --> 00:35:12,936
so--
689
00:35:32,086 --> 00:35:33,827
I haven't seen you
in a while.
690
00:35:33,914 --> 00:35:35,611
I took a vacation,
691
00:35:35,698 --> 00:35:36,917
cracked a few skulls.
692
00:35:37,004 --> 00:35:39,528
You know, me time.
693
00:35:39,615 --> 00:35:40,964
But of course,
when Reginald invited me,
694
00:35:41,051 --> 00:35:42,401
I knew I had to come back,
695
00:35:42,488 --> 00:35:44,359
but not for Reginald,
for Claire.
696
00:35:44,446 --> 00:35:45,926
And not just for Claire,
697
00:35:46,013 --> 00:35:47,928
though more for Claire
than for Reginald.
698
00:35:48,015 --> 00:35:49,147
Though not just
for Claire, either.
699
00:35:49,234 --> 00:35:50,235
Is this a riddle?
700
00:35:56,589 --> 00:35:58,808
A negative, my favorite.
701
00:36:01,681 --> 00:36:03,683
Did you just
smell my blood type?
702
00:36:08,949 --> 00:36:11,125
You're a vampire.
703
00:36:11,212 --> 00:36:13,345
That doesn't scare you?
704
00:36:13,432 --> 00:36:15,129
Everything about you
scares me.
705
00:36:17,349 --> 00:36:19,177
Welcome to my world.
706
00:36:19,264 --> 00:36:20,439
I think you're gonna
love it here.
707
00:36:25,487 --> 00:36:27,576
Could I get everyone's
attention, please?
708
00:36:35,671 --> 00:36:38,587
For the last few months,
I have been a bad friend
709
00:36:38,674 --> 00:36:40,894
and boyfriend
710
00:36:40,981 --> 00:36:42,722
and employee,
711
00:36:42,809 --> 00:36:44,202
surrogate big brother,
712
00:36:44,289 --> 00:36:46,987
and last but not least, vampire.
713
00:36:47,074 --> 00:36:49,207
I, uh, didn't think anyone
would want to see me anymore.
714
00:36:51,513 --> 00:36:54,037
But, uh, here you are.
715
00:36:55,778 --> 00:36:57,737
That's why I'm just very,
uh, thankful
716
00:36:57,824 --> 00:36:59,565
that you all are my friends.
717
00:37:01,349 --> 00:37:04,918
And whatever tomorrow brings,
718
00:37:05,005 --> 00:37:06,311
I'm glad we have tonight.
719
00:37:10,271 --> 00:37:12,621
Uh, I'm sorry, sir,
we're closed for a private--
720
00:37:14,232 --> 00:37:16,146
Holy shit, it's him.
721
00:37:17,844 --> 00:37:20,150
What are you--
722
00:37:20,238 --> 00:37:21,848
Do not make eye contact.
723
00:37:24,111 --> 00:37:26,156
Uh, what is happening here?
724
00:37:26,244 --> 00:37:27,636
It's him.
725
00:37:27,723 --> 00:37:29,421
I--it's--it's
Logan the Reanimator,
726
00:37:29,508 --> 00:37:32,119
the--the Deacon of the Vampire
Councils of America.
727
00:37:32,206 --> 00:37:33,468
His reputation precedes him.
728
00:37:36,166 --> 00:37:37,342
You must be Roger.
729
00:37:37,429 --> 00:37:39,735
It's Reginald, actually.
730
00:37:39,822 --> 00:37:41,346
If you say so.
731
00:37:42,825 --> 00:37:45,393
I thought you'd be fatter.
732
00:37:47,569 --> 00:37:49,310
Thanks.
733
00:37:49,397 --> 00:37:51,617
Sarah, maybe you should
join the others.
734
00:37:51,704 --> 00:37:53,706
I kneel for no one.
735
00:37:53,793 --> 00:37:54,837
- And why is that?
- Whoa, whoa.
736
00:37:54,924 --> 00:37:56,230
You're not here for her.
737
00:37:56,317 --> 00:37:58,798
How delightful.
738
00:37:58,885 --> 00:38:00,843
I was hoping
for a demonstration.
739
00:38:00,930 --> 00:38:02,454
What?
740
00:38:02,541 --> 00:38:04,499
You glamour other vampires,
don't you?
741
00:38:04,586 --> 00:38:06,675
Care to have a go?
742
00:38:06,762 --> 00:38:08,982
Don't look at him.
743
00:38:09,069 --> 00:38:11,463
This is a conversation
between you and me.
744
00:38:11,550 --> 00:38:13,465
I don't
glamour people anymore.
745
00:38:13,552 --> 00:38:16,729
Luckily, I haven't been
a person for a very long time.
746
00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:23,736
Listen to me, you're gonna
leave me and my friends alone.
747
00:38:23,823 --> 00:38:26,216
As you command.
748
00:38:26,304 --> 00:38:27,957
You're gonna go back
to wherever you came from
749
00:38:28,044 --> 00:38:30,699
and never come to Akron again.
750
00:38:30,786 --> 00:38:32,527
As you command.
751
00:38:32,614 --> 00:38:34,050
Is that all?
752
00:38:35,965 --> 00:38:38,054
No, it--it's not.
753
00:38:38,141 --> 00:38:39,665
You're gonna decide
that I don't have to take
754
00:38:39,752 --> 00:38:41,319
the Assessment
and that henceforth,
755
00:38:41,406 --> 00:38:43,408
I am considered
a fully-fledged--
756
00:38:43,495 --> 00:38:45,584
A fully-fledged what?
757
00:38:52,504 --> 00:38:55,985
Please, I'm far too old
for your parlor trick.
758
00:38:56,072 --> 00:38:58,640
As for the Assessment,
759
00:38:58,727 --> 00:39:00,642
it will go precisely
as planned.
760
00:39:00,729 --> 00:39:02,427
You will take the tests.
761
00:39:02,514 --> 00:39:03,863
You will fail.
762
00:39:03,950 --> 00:39:06,474
You and your sire will
be executed.
763
00:39:06,561 --> 00:39:09,042
And when it's all over,
764
00:39:09,129 --> 00:39:10,348
I'll forget your name.
765
00:39:17,790 --> 00:39:19,922
What the hell was
that all about?
766
00:39:24,057 --> 00:39:26,668
- What an asshole.
- Yeah, he's...
767
00:39:26,755 --> 00:39:28,191
What's that guy's deal?
768
00:39:28,278 --> 00:39:30,063
That's Logan the, uh...
769
00:39:30,150 --> 00:39:32,021
- Yeah.
- Duplicitous...
770
00:39:32,108 --> 00:39:34,894
- Poor Reginald.
- Dipshit, Devious...
771
00:39:38,506 --> 00:39:40,378
Well, no, the Deacon
of all the vampires...
772
00:39:42,641 --> 00:39:44,991
Hey.
773
00:39:45,078 --> 00:39:47,080
Is Reginald okay?
774
00:39:49,865 --> 00:39:51,389
You're gonna die.
775
00:39:51,476 --> 00:39:53,391
That's what this party
is about, isn't it?
776
00:39:53,478 --> 00:39:56,350
Some sort of,
like, living wake.
777
00:39:58,439 --> 00:40:00,876
I mean, I just got used
to you being a vampire.
778
00:40:00,963 --> 00:40:03,096
I'm not sure that I'm ready
for you to die.
779
00:40:03,183 --> 00:40:05,141
Everything's okay,
I promise you.
780
00:40:05,228 --> 00:40:07,709
I got them right
where I want them, right?
781
00:40:07,796 --> 00:40:11,844
The last ace up my kind
of shortish sleeve.
782
00:40:11,931 --> 00:40:13,149
You're lying.
783
00:40:13,236 --> 00:40:15,021
I'm not.
784
00:40:15,108 --> 00:40:16,718
Don't tell me
you're not, Reginald.
785
00:40:16,805 --> 00:40:19,634
Despite everything,
786
00:40:19,721 --> 00:40:21,419
I still know you.
787
00:40:22,681 --> 00:40:24,291
I'm so scared.
788
00:40:27,729 --> 00:40:30,036
In less than 24 hours,
789
00:40:30,123 --> 00:40:34,214
no matter how hard I try
or plan,
790
00:40:34,301 --> 00:40:36,172
no matter how much
I want to live
791
00:40:36,259 --> 00:40:39,349
or--or how much I have
to live for,
792
00:40:39,437 --> 00:40:42,788
there's a distinct possibility
that I'm gonna be gone,
793
00:40:42,875 --> 00:40:44,920
absent from all of this.
794
00:40:46,182 --> 00:40:50,665
I want to be brave,
but I don't think I can be.
795
00:40:50,752 --> 00:40:53,059
How can I help?
796
00:40:53,146 --> 00:40:55,322
You can't.
797
00:40:55,409 --> 00:41:01,023
The vampire world is run by
a group of exclusive assholes.
798
00:41:01,110 --> 00:41:03,548
Someone like me
never had a chance.
799
00:41:03,635 --> 00:41:06,638
So it's just like
the real world then?
800
00:41:06,725 --> 00:41:08,640
I can work with that.
- You can't.
801
00:41:08,727 --> 00:41:10,119
The game is rigged.
802
00:41:10,206 --> 00:41:11,947
Then don't play their game.
803
00:41:13,645 --> 00:41:16,343
Reg, you got
to make me a vampire.
804
00:41:16,430 --> 00:41:17,605
And I will not take
no for an answer.
805
00:41:17,692 --> 00:41:19,085
- No.
- Oh, come on.
806
00:41:19,172 --> 00:41:20,869
I'd be perfect at it.
807
00:41:20,956 --> 00:41:22,958
I'll blend right in.
I could be your secret weapon.
808
00:41:23,045 --> 00:41:24,873
- For what?
- You know, for whatever
809
00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:27,093
Thunderdome Assessment shit
that suit was talking about.
810
00:41:27,180 --> 00:41:28,834
I'll dress up as a janitor.
811
00:41:28,921 --> 00:41:30,575
No one will suspect me.
812
00:41:30,662 --> 00:41:33,012
So when you're all like,
"Oh, no, tests are so hard,"
813
00:41:33,099 --> 00:41:34,579
that's when I'll
surprise everyone.
814
00:41:34,666 --> 00:41:37,582
It is I, Todd the Vampire,
to the rescue.
815
00:41:39,148 --> 00:41:40,628
And everyone will
come at me, right?
816
00:41:40,715 --> 00:41:42,412
But that's okay, because
I got my janitor broom,
817
00:41:42,500 --> 00:41:44,371
and I'll break it
right across my quad.
818
00:41:44,458 --> 00:41:46,329
Oh, look who's got a stake now.
819
00:41:46,416 --> 00:41:47,635
And that's when I'll say,
820
00:41:47,722 --> 00:41:49,898
"It's time
to take out the trash."
821
00:41:52,945 --> 00:41:54,903
'Cause I'm the janitor?
- Oh, got it.
822
00:41:54,990 --> 00:41:57,776
So then me and Mr. Pointy
will go all, like, kah-dusto.
823
00:41:57,863 --> 00:42:01,954
Whoo!
824
00:42:02,041 --> 00:42:05,218
Yah! Hoo!
Yeah, baby!
825
00:42:05,305 --> 00:42:07,873
All the vampires will be dead,
and Maurice will be safe.
826
00:42:07,960 --> 00:42:09,004
Don't you mean Reginald?
827
00:42:09,091 --> 00:42:11,746
Yeah, sure, Reginald too.
828
00:42:11,833 --> 00:42:14,009
Todd the Vampire
to the rescue.
829
00:42:14,096 --> 00:42:16,490
Everybody needs
a catchphrase.
830
00:42:16,577 --> 00:42:20,320
You know, I think you're
onto something, Todd.
831
00:42:20,407 --> 00:42:21,800
Wait, what?
832
00:42:21,887 --> 00:42:23,062
I'll grant your wish.
833
00:42:24,933 --> 00:42:26,500
I'll turn you into a vampire.
834
00:42:26,587 --> 00:42:28,458
- You will?
- Yes.
835
00:42:28,546 --> 00:42:29,547
Him?
836
00:42:30,722 --> 00:42:31,723
Hey!
837
00:42:31,810 --> 00:42:33,507
Hey. Where are you going?
838
00:42:33,594 --> 00:42:35,161
I got a date
with the final puzzle piece.
839
00:42:35,248 --> 00:42:37,642
You found the missing piece?
840
00:42:37,729 --> 00:42:39,861
Where?
Hey, wh--what is it, Reggie?
841
00:42:39,948 --> 00:42:42,472
Don't worry, I got this.
55391
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