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1
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Oh God!
2
00:00:11,970 --> 00:00:15,682
Oh God!
3
00:00:34,492 --> 00:00:38,788
By the power of Hephzibah,
I compel you to oblivion!
4
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,134
Oh, a girl.
5
00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:06,566
You'll need a needle
for that one, Christina.
6
00:01:06,691 --> 00:01:08,276
- That's cystic.
- You're cystic.
7
00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:09,652
{\an8}How do you know what I need?
8
00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,488
{\an8}Because I'm your mother,
and mothers know best.
9
00:01:11,654 --> 00:01:13,782
{\an8}Oh, you're right, Mother,
you do know best.
10
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:16,743
{\an8}I'm so glad you moved us to a new town
in the middle of a school year,
11
00:01:16,868 --> 00:01:18,411
{\an8}so I get to restart seventh grade
12
00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:21,122
{\an8}- with a whole new group of kids.
- Look, I know it's not ideal.
13
00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:23,166
{\an8}But... but... but don't blame me
for the economy, okay?
14
00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:24,876
{\an8}- I gotta go where the work is.
- Mom!
15
00:01:26,252 --> 00:01:28,463
{\an8}Use the crosswalk, you little gremlin!
16
00:01:28,713 --> 00:01:30,507
You're lucky your mom's got
the reflexes...
17
00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:32,092
- ...of a goddamn cheetah.
18
00:01:32,217 --> 00:01:34,761
{\an8}I'm walking the rest of the way.
I can't stand another minute with you.
19
00:01:35,970 --> 00:01:38,098
{\an8}- Are you sure you're okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
20
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,308
- What's going on? Are you feeling fussy?
- What?
21
00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:42,811
{\an8}- Your little rosebuds tender? Tell me.
- Stop it! Ew!
22
00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:44,771
{\an8}- Mom! Get off of me!
- Let me feel. Let me feel them!
23
00:01:44,979 --> 00:01:46,147
{\an8}- Goodbye!
- Hey, does this hurt?
24
00:01:46,231 --> 00:01:48,149
- A... and don't forget new school rules.
25
00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:49,859
- Assume everyone is a murderer
26
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{\an8}until proven otherwise.
27
00:01:52,028 --> 00:01:53,988
- Christina?
28
00:01:54,697 --> 00:01:57,742
{\an8}MALE STUDENT 1: Oh, my favorite actor
got cancelled this year.
29
00:01:57,826 --> 00:01:59,994
{\an8}...and I was like,
"Yes, Mom, I do love
30
00:02:00,078 --> 00:02:01,079
{\an8}"my followers more than you."
31
00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:03,289
{\an8}- MALE STUDENT 2: Is that a new girl?
32
00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:05,875
- Ooh!
33
00:02:15,510 --> 00:02:18,263
{\an8}Hey, guy. Mind if I share
this locker with you?
34
00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:21,307
{\an8}MALE STUDENT 4: Hey, heads up!
Behind ya, motherfucker!
35
00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:26,980
{\an8}- Gotcha, little one. Um. Hi.
- Hi.
36
00:02:27,272 --> 00:02:30,024
{\an8}I believe this thirty-legged
friendly centipede is yours?
37
00:02:30,358 --> 00:02:31,734
{\an8}- Oh, oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
38
00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,153
{\an8}- Thanks.
- You're new here, right?
39
00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:34,654
{\an8}- Uh-huh.
- I'm Bennigan.
40
00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:36,614
{\an8}Resident self-appointed school greeter.
41
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:38,741
- So...
- Oh, hi. I'm Chrissy.
42
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,660
- Hi.
- Did you know the technical name
43
00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:42,662
of the house centipede
is Scutigera coleoptrata?
44
00:02:42,787 --> 00:02:44,706
- Coleoptrata. Yeah!
- Oh, you knew!
45
00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:47,083
- I totally knew.
46
00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:48,293
Nerds!
47
00:02:48,459 --> 00:02:50,336
- Uh. So, there's like, this...
- Yeah.
48
00:02:50,628 --> 00:02:52,714
...party tonight
at the abandoned Taco Chateau
49
00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:56,009
on Concord Pike. You should go.
And I'll go.
50
00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:58,553
And then that way
we're kind of going together?
51
00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:01,556
- Huh?
- Okay.
52
00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:03,766
- Uh. Have to bathroom now.
- Oh.
53
00:03:04,142 --> 00:03:05,643
Oh, my God.
Please forget I just said that.
54
00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:07,228
- Yeah. Yeah.
55
00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:10,190
Don't... don't worry, I've flushed it
from my memory, so...
56
00:03:15,945 --> 00:03:18,698
Probably shouldn't have eaten
that block of cheese last night.
57
00:03:18,990 --> 00:03:23,453
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
58
00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:26,539
- Not today!
- MALE BULLY 1: Come on, get in here!
59
00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:28,041
May I suggest
the boys' room?
60
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,542
Men have taken so much from women already.
61
00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:31,836
Girls don't poo-poo, dumbass.
God, I hate nerds.
62
00:03:31,961 --> 00:03:33,379
- Bennigan!
- MALE BULLY 2: Me too.
63
00:03:33,504 --> 00:03:36,049
My mom left my awesome dad for a nerd.
64
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:39,510
Now, instead of football games,
we visit historical bridges.
65
00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:40,845
Bridges! Gross!
66
00:03:41,095 --> 00:03:45,141
Now, let's get you on my livestream,
so everyone can watch you bleed.
67
00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:47,602
- Don't!
- Uh. This feels like a big escalation
68
00:03:47,602 --> 00:03:50,230
from swirlies, man.
But we graduate this year,
69
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,981
- and so should our violence.
70
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:56,236
MALE BULLY 2:
Hey. Shush! You hear that drippy drip?
71
00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:57,820
That ain't no leaky faucet.
72
00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:07,413
Guess I was wrong about them
not poo-pooing.
73
00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:08,831
Nah, dude, that's no dookie.
74
00:04:09,165 --> 00:04:12,877
Freaky new girl's blossomed
into a freaky new woman.
75
00:04:13,002 --> 00:04:16,714
- Please don't.
- Say hi to the world, Bloody Mary.
76
00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:20,843
MALE BULLY 2: Hear what I said?
I called her "Bloody Mary"
77
00:04:21,010 --> 00:04:25,390
-‘cause she got her period and stuff.
78
00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:38,319
- MALE BULLY 1: Gross legs!
79
00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:54,919
Oh, I'm not a proponent of violence,
but that was irrefutably cathartic.
80
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:07,140
- So...
- So...
81
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:11,853
So, uh, about that party,
is that invite still, ah...
82
00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:13,896
- Yes! Yes!
- Oh, sweet!
83
00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:15,398
- Great!
- That's great.
84
00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:17,317
- I'll see you out there, then.
- Cool!
85
00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:24,365
- Exit the building in an orderly fashion!
86
00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:25,700
- I said orderly!
87
00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:32,915
- Mom?
- Get in, now. Come on!
88
00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:35,001
Here, here. Salt your hair
89
00:05:35,126 --> 00:05:36,961
- and burn this photo of yourself.
- What... why? What...
90
00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:38,004
what's happening?
91
00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:39,630
Look,
there's no more putting this off.
92
00:05:40,214 --> 00:05:42,884
Your dad is the devil
and you are his mortal conduit to Earth,
93
00:05:42,884 --> 00:05:45,386
- known to Bibley types as the Antichrist.
- What the fuck?
94
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:49,223
You got your period
and made that hole in the sky,
95
00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:51,309
and now your dad knows where
to find you, so we gotta go.
96
00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:54,270
- But you said my dad was dead!
- I said "not alive."
97
00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:55,480
Fasten your seatbelt, honey.
98
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:57,315
And if you have any questions
about feminine hygiene,
99
00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:59,484
there's a pamphlet in the glove box
right under the gun.
100
00:05:59,817 --> 00:06:00,818
Gun?
101
00:06:05,239 --> 00:06:08,201
- That's one brave parakeet.
- Hope he stays off Twitter.
102
00:06:08,326 --> 00:06:11,162
In other news, the sky
over a local junior high...
103
00:06:11,162 --> 00:06:12,538
- ...has torn open,
104
00:06:12,622 --> 00:06:14,290
{\an8}leaving a cosmic black void...
105
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:15,375
- ...over Middletown.
106
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:18,336
{\an8}Authorities have no details
about the black hole's origin or purpose.
107
00:06:18,336 --> 00:06:20,338
- But whatever it wants...
108
00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:21,589
- ...you can bet
109
00:06:21,589 --> 00:06:24,509
it won't be keeping us from
Shayla Rosenblatt's Birthday After Party
110
00:06:24,509 --> 00:06:27,303
at the abandoned Taco Chateau
on Concord Pike.
111
00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:29,097
Access Hollywood is next.
112
00:06:33,684 --> 00:06:35,645
MERCENARIES' LEADER:
Put him on. The Pope.
113
00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:37,146
Hello? Come again?
114
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:39,524
You goofy rascal!
You answer your own phone?
115
00:06:39,649 --> 00:06:42,360
- The Black Hole has arrived.
116
00:06:42,610 --> 00:06:46,030
The time has come for me
to thwart Satan's fiendish plan
117
00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:48,699
by killing his spawn, the Antichrist.
118
00:06:48,866 --> 00:06:51,744
My forces assemble in Middletown
as we speak and...
119
00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:53,663
- Uh, hold on.
- Uh. Someone's beeping in?
120
00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:55,123
Oh, no, no. I've got 'em holding.
121
00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:56,541
- Oh, no, please grab it.
- Mm-hmm.
122
00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:58,584
I'll call you when the child is dead.
123
00:07:01,629 --> 00:07:04,966
- Take it all!
- I liked things the way they were!
124
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:08,010
I'm supposed to accept
that you had sex with Satan?
125
00:07:08,136 --> 00:07:09,345
Or anyone?
126
00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:12,765
Ah, tight burn. Fact, Chrissy,
all women were girls,
127
00:07:12,849 --> 00:07:14,642
all girls make choices,
and half of those are bad.
128
00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:17,979
So... so, moving 14 times in eight years
wasn't for work?
129
00:07:18,229 --> 00:07:20,189
No. It was so your dad couldn't track us.
130
00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:22,984
Except when we left Vermont.
I cannot deal with those fucking hippies.
131
00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:25,319
Look, I was trying to give you
some glimmer
132
00:07:25,403 --> 00:07:29,073
- of a normal childhood, okay?
- Normal? Nothing's normal about my life!
133
00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:33,035
Are you mental? I have no friends
and I just exploded two bullies!
134
00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:35,496
Bullies? Did they hurt you, Christina?
Because if they did,
135
00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:37,457
- I swear to God...
- They're dead!
136
00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:41,919
Okay, they're dead, yes.
137
00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:45,006
But in this family, we don't dwell
on the past. We look to the future.
138
00:07:45,006 --> 00:07:47,925
And in our future,
there's an Inuit fishing village in Alaska
139
00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:50,678
that's so remote, it'll make
that ghost town in Wyoming
140
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:53,347
- look like Shanghai.
- No. No, not this time.
141
00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:56,392
No, I made my first friend
and he's a boy, and he...
142
00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:58,102
he invited me to my first party.
143
00:07:58,269 --> 00:08:00,188
And your vagina just became
a homing device
144
00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:02,231
- for the prince of darkness.
- My dad's not the one
145
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:06,319
who's been gaslighting me my entire life.
Maybe I want him to find me!
146
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,321
Oh, you better choose
your next words carefully.
147
00:08:08,529 --> 00:08:10,406
Come and get me, Satan!
148
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,074
- Oh! That is what...
149
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,659
...I didn't want you to say!
150
00:08:13,743 --> 00:08:15,328
- We're packing, then leaving!
- Get off of me!
151
00:08:15,703 --> 00:08:17,955
Oh, hey, Laur! I left your sugar
in the mailbox!
152
00:08:18,039 --> 00:08:20,291
Oh, God! What...
what do you make of this thing, huh?
153
00:08:20,416 --> 00:08:21,584
Biblical or the media?
154
00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:23,169
- You never know these days, Darlene!
155
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:24,587
Yeah, you never do know! Do ya?
156
00:08:24,712 --> 00:08:26,631
- Let go of me!
- You don't know anything
157
00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:28,799
- until you know it and then you don't...
- Get off of me, you...
158
00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:31,469
- Come on! Come on. Come on!
- What! You... No!
159
00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:34,889
- Everything you ever told me is a lie!
- I lied to protect you,
160
00:08:35,014 --> 00:08:36,390
and I don't regret it for a second!
161
00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:38,184
The only thing I need protection
from is you!
162
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:40,144
Oh, you wouldn't last a day
in the real world without me!
163
00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:42,605
- You're a bitch!
- And you're an ungrateful asshole!
164
00:08:44,482 --> 00:08:47,443
Touché. Now, change
your pants, sweetheart.
165
00:08:51,989 --> 00:08:55,117
You banged the devil 'cause he's
the only one who would actually go there.
166
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:58,579
Damn, that's what I should've
said to her.
167
00:08:58,829 --> 00:09:00,706
We can take you away from here.
168
00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:04,460
- First, you must agree...
- To see your father.
169
00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:08,673
Oh, my dad sent you?
If I agree to do that, can I get a ride
170
00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:10,550
to the Abandoned Taco Chateau
on Concord Pike?
171
00:09:10,841 --> 00:09:12,218
That would not be an issue.
172
00:09:12,343 --> 00:09:15,513
Actually, we are not authorized
to make that promise.
173
00:09:15,721 --> 00:09:20,726
But nothing is off the table.
Your father is well able to provide.
174
00:09:21,018 --> 00:09:23,062
Okay. I agree to see my father.
175
00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:32,238
- I will not learn their names,
176
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:34,365
- but you can bring one...
177
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:40,121
- Finished?
- Almost! Last one's silver.
178
00:09:43,457 --> 00:09:45,293
No! Damn it!
179
00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:48,713
- (HISSES, PANTS) No.
180
00:09:55,803 --> 00:09:57,638
No.
181
00:09:57,805 --> 00:10:01,350
You're not smashing me
until you look at me. Look at me!
182
00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:04,562
Piece of shit, you poser Wiccan slut.
183
00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:06,564
Now, raise your hand
if you fucked the Devil.
184
00:10:07,398 --> 00:10:09,900
Now, keep your hand up if you knew
this day was coming.
185
00:10:11,402 --> 00:10:14,238
Now, let's go smash some shit
that makes a difference.
186
00:10:25,833 --> 00:10:27,752
- Good luck!
- Shut up, Erwin.
187
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:32,173
{\an8}It appears the black hole
has stopped sucking!
188
00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:35,009
Some fact-humping scientists said
that this hole will suck forever.
189
00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:37,678
What a fucking joke.
Now, let's rock it out tonight
190
00:10:37,762 --> 00:10:39,639
at Shayla Rosenblatt's Birthday
After Party!
191
00:10:41,932 --> 00:10:43,893
Real estate inspector. How about yourself?
192
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:45,978
I purge the world of demonic forces
193
00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:48,648
for the Supreme Pontiff
of the Universal Church.
194
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:51,567
- Business trip? Pleasure?
- They say do what you love.
195
00:10:51,859 --> 00:10:54,236
And I love nothing
more than cutting out the heart
196
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,656
of an adolescent girl for monetary gain.
197
00:10:56,781 --> 00:10:59,408
Swap "girl" with "drywall"
and "heart" with "mold damage"
198
00:10:59,533 --> 00:11:01,243
and we basically have the same job.
199
00:11:06,207 --> 00:11:07,917
I think her mother killed him.
200
00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:10,544
He was the best of us,
but we must move on.
201
00:11:10,628 --> 00:11:13,047
It's what...
...would've wanted.
202
00:11:13,172 --> 00:11:15,216
...was a lie,
and she says, "I lied to protect you."
203
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:17,259
- She sounds like a bitch.
- That's what I said!
204
00:11:17,593 --> 00:11:19,762
- Huh?
205
00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:23,099
It's been prophesized
since time began.
206
00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:26,102
And now, they are finally united!
207
00:11:26,268 --> 00:11:29,605
The dastardly duo who will alter
the universe...
208
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,190
- ...for the rest of time!
209
00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:36,487
Come to your father, Damien.
210
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,408
Not getting a "Damien" vibe.
211
00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:47,540
Oh, you're a girl. The future is female!
I support and believe you.
212
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:50,918
Wait, hold on,
you'll like this man suit better.
213
00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:55,172
- Congrats on shedding first blood!
- Ew.
214
00:11:55,297 --> 00:11:57,466
Can everyone please stop talking
about my period?
215
00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,385
Oh, God, no, gross.
216
00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:02,638
Did your mom tell you that?
I'm talking about the teens you murdered.
217
00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:05,641
- I didn't mean to...
- Don't let other people's moral laws
218
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,518
make you think what you did was wrong.
219
00:12:07,643 --> 00:12:10,813
Together, you and I can create
a future without rules,
220
00:12:10,938 --> 00:12:15,735
where you can call your own shots.
Live the life you want to live. Thoughts?
221
00:12:15,943 --> 00:12:18,446
Yeah, I've got thoughts.
Where have you been my whole life
222
00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:20,614
and what do I have that you suddenly want?
223
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:21,991
Baby, I'm not a deadbeat dad.
224
00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:25,619
You were stolen and I couldn't find you
until you came into your powers.
225
00:12:25,703 --> 00:12:29,039
There are these fucking cosmic laws
I can't break.
226
00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:31,751
- That's why I'm not in Hell.
- Wait, this isn't Hell?
227
00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:34,962
Shit, no! This is the Metaphysical Realm.
228
00:12:34,962 --> 00:12:36,172
Hmm, fancy.
229
00:12:36,672 --> 00:12:38,591
- Hipsters call it "The Fringe..."
230
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:39,759
...which makes me wanna punch
231
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:40,968
- a hole in my face.
- Huh.
232
00:12:40,968 --> 00:12:43,721
It's like the central hub
for all unearthly realms.
233
00:12:44,221 --> 00:12:48,142
Think Port Authority, but with much,
much, much more urine,
234
00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:51,228
- and fewer bomb threats.
- So, if I call the shots,
235
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:53,022
does that mean I don't have
to listen to anyone?
236
00:12:53,230 --> 00:12:55,316
Look at that guy. He's got a bird head,
and he craps bubbles!
237
00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:56,484
- and he craps bubbles!
238
00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:59,278
I thought that was pretty cool!
What's your name, by the way?
239
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:02,072
- Christina.
-‘Course she named you that.
240
00:13:02,281 --> 00:13:05,868
...and I'm like, "Oh, okay, Rhonda,
so you're saying a black hole's
241
00:13:05,993 --> 00:13:08,496
"the reason your husband's been cheating
on you for three years."
242
00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:10,206
- Oh, hey, did you get in touch
243
00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:11,832
with that guy I told you about, Eric?
244
00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:14,710
He's sweet and rich,
and a geropsychologist.
245
00:13:14,835 --> 00:13:17,630
Yeah, I'd rather fist a dog
than be in a relationship, Darlene.
246
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:20,633
Lambskin? What are you,
a druid? You're so retro!
247
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:22,301
- Oh, but that should come
248
00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:25,638
in handy tonight for Shayla Rosenblatt's
Birthday After Party. I'm bringing frosé.
249
00:13:25,846 --> 00:13:27,431
Whoo! You're jacked!
250
00:13:27,515 --> 00:13:29,517
- Seriously, you got the body of a convict.
251
00:13:29,683 --> 00:13:31,727
- Oh, and you use it for storage.
252
00:13:31,852 --> 00:13:34,814
I'm going into the Metaphysical Realm
to kill the devil and get my daughter
253
00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:36,857
and I need you to watch my body
while I'm gone.
254
00:13:36,982 --> 00:13:38,192
- If this works...
- Oh, wow!
255
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:41,654
...I'm gonna look like I'm dead, okay?
But technically, I won't be.
256
00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:44,073
If it doesn't work, I will just look
and be dead.
257
00:13:44,198 --> 00:13:45,783
Jesus, uh, do you know what you're doing?
258
00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:49,829
Okay, but when are you coming back?
259
00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:52,581
Okay, all right, I'll just wait here.
260
00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:11,642
Holy shit! That was painful!
261
00:14:49,138 --> 00:14:51,932
Hey, everybody! This is my daughter.
262
00:14:52,057 --> 00:14:53,851
Kiss her ass
or I'll slaughter your children.
263
00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:56,604
- Proud of you!
- Hey, let's have a drink.
264
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:59,815
I know, now, you're thinking,
"Is he a dad or just a cool friend?"
265
00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:03,110
I was thinking that you're trying
too hard. Is that track lighting?
266
00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:04,862
Eh, well, still, it's a work in progress.
267
00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:06,989
Snake with Arms,
a round of something spicy.
268
00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:09,199
Speaking of spicy, how's your mom?
269
00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:11,118
- Is she still an alcoholic?
- Huh?
270
00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:13,412
- She fucked a lamp once.
- I'm not interested in... Wait, what?
271
00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:16,373
Look, she doesn't get you, I do.
You're a teen!
272
00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:17,958
You shouldn't be living on the lam.
273
00:15:18,125 --> 00:15:21,629
You should be planting roots,
doing normal teen things!
274
00:15:21,629 --> 00:15:25,215
Really? Cool, because the beast guys
you sent said you'd be down to give me
275
00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:28,344
- a ride to the abandoned Taco...
- The abandoned Taco Chateau? Blammo!
276
00:15:34,433 --> 00:15:38,103
- Wow, you're actually kinda okay.
- A toast before you head out.
277
00:15:38,395 --> 00:15:40,356
To my fricking amazing daughter!
278
00:15:40,522 --> 00:15:43,651
- Oh, well... thanks, Dad.
- To your future!
279
00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:46,487
And to consenting to join
as sire and seed,
280
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:48,989
- reclaiming the infernal sovereign...
- Uh. There it is!
281
00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:50,658
- What?
- Your lame attempt to trap me
282
00:15:50,658 --> 00:15:54,870
- in your binding agreement.
- Oh, no, no. It's not lame at all.
283
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:57,039
It's called Maximus Dawnus.
284
00:15:57,247 --> 00:16:00,668
And when we carry it out together,
it'll let us fold all the realms
285
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:04,505
into one big, way-more-powerful,
lawless universe.
286
00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:08,384
It'll be like
an anarchistic socialist utopia.
287
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:10,886
- That sounds cool, right?
- Uh-huh.
288
00:16:14,181 --> 00:16:16,517
- Mom?
289
00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:22,272
- Remember me, motherfucker?
- How could I forget?
290
00:16:22,356 --> 00:16:24,483
- Mom, how did you...
- You bulked up.
291
00:16:24,608 --> 00:16:26,068
In a good way. In a good way.
292
00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:29,905
Thirteen years, preparing for the day
this rotting chode would make his play
293
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,323
- and bridge our worlds.
294
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:34,159
You're welcome for giving you
a higher calling than robotripping
295
00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:35,744
and tequila-soaked tampons!
296
00:16:35,911 --> 00:16:39,790
Coming from a guy who pretended to be
someone else for six goddamn months.
297
00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:41,709
- You gaslit the wrong bitch.
298
00:16:44,878 --> 00:16:46,839
Brain shot! Get it, girl!
299
00:16:49,466 --> 00:16:51,593
- Head smash!
- Oh, my God! Who are you?
300
00:16:53,262 --> 00:16:55,389
- Fuck you!
- What do you think you're gonna do,
301
00:16:55,723 --> 00:16:59,560
kill me? I'm not Dracula.
I'm the goddamn devil.
302
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:02,438
You got about as much chance
of laying a finger on me as...
303
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:03,564
- Ow!
304
00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:05,774
- What was that?
- Oil of Abramelin,
305
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,985
blessed by an uncircumcised
Kabbalist Rabbi.
306
00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:09,236
- What?
- Mom!
307
00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:10,988
And if he thought that hurt,
he's gonna love
308
00:17:10,988 --> 00:17:13,741
- this goat's horn shoved up his dick!
- Help! Kill her!
309
00:17:18,245 --> 00:17:20,205
Oh, what a fucking woman.
310
00:17:20,581 --> 00:17:22,166
Weren't you about
to shove something up my dick?
311
00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:23,500
No one tells Mama what to do.
312
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,756
You're a washed-up
desperate con artist begging
313
00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:31,633
for a little girl to sign his stupid pact
to make him feel big again.
314
00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:35,846
No, no, no, no, no, no dick hole.
You wanna talk about desperation?
315
00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:37,723
- Don't let the job of mother
316
00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:38,849
go to your head!
317
00:17:38,974 --> 00:17:42,770
You left your whole life behind
to raise my spawn.
318
00:17:42,978 --> 00:17:45,314
- Dad, stop!
- You're nothing special.
319
00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:48,400
- You're just a vessel.
- Hello! Does anyone even hear me?
320
00:17:48,525 --> 00:17:52,529
You think I felt special?
321
00:17:52,613 --> 00:17:54,073
Your magic jizz ruined my life!
322
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:55,199
You're lucky I didn't kill it.
323
00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:56,950
- You're lucky it didn't kill itself...
324
00:17:57,284 --> 00:17:59,203
...being shackled to you for 13 years.
325
00:17:59,369 --> 00:18:01,455
- Fuck this.
- Well, once she gets to know you,
326
00:18:01,455 --> 00:18:03,916
I'm sure she'll jump at the chance
to slit your wrists!
327
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,667
I don't bleed, bitch!
328
00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:08,504
Gross ass parents.
They don't care about me.
329
00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:13,425
Well, I don't care about them.
Actually, I don't care about anything!
330
00:18:15,677 --> 00:18:19,807
A toast! To my parents!
For fucking me up! Huh?
331
00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:22,851
That slaps!
332
00:18:23,143 --> 00:18:26,480
- New girl is spicing this party up!
333
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:29,149
We love that you don't care
what anyone thinks.
334
00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:30,943
Slay, honey!
335
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:32,236
Slay I shall!
336
00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:37,074
- Benny! Bennigan! Hey!
- Chrissy, wow! You made it!
337
00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:38,200
- Ha!
- You left so quickly
338
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,535
after you murdered those two bullies,
339
00:18:39,535 --> 00:18:41,537
I never got a chance to thank you!
So, thank you!
340
00:18:41,537 --> 00:18:44,373
- Psst. No thanks necessary. Totes my plej!
341
00:18:44,498 --> 00:18:47,543
I hope the rest of your day
was less explosive.
342
00:18:50,045 --> 00:18:53,048
Yep, it was, unless you count
the explosion of flavor
343
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,509
- in my homemade muffins!
- Oh!
344
00:18:55,509 --> 00:18:58,595
But, in a more literal sense, no,
it was just that one explosion. You?
345
00:18:58,762 --> 00:19:00,222
Some ups, some downs, you know?
346
00:19:00,389 --> 00:19:04,393
I just found out my dad's not really dead,
my mom doesn't give two shits about me,
347
00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:06,645
the last 13 years of my life,
I've been a pawn
348
00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:09,690
in their fucked up relationship.
I rode on a carriage
349
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:12,860
made from the flesh of two mutated krakens
to get here,
350
00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:16,530
and I wish I was never born.
But otherwise, a great day!
351
00:19:17,781 --> 00:19:20,617
Well, if I had a wish,
I'd cancel your wish
352
00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:22,911
because I think it's pretty great
you were born.
353
00:19:23,036 --> 00:19:24,913
Aw. Thanks, Bennigan.
354
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:27,541
- You feeling better?
- Better than better.
355
00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:29,877
I'm the motherfucking Antichrist!
356
00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:38,510
Listen carefully. Do not leave your trash
in this van, it is a rental.
357
00:19:38,677 --> 00:19:42,139
Now, let's gut this child
and wear her entrails as a scarf.
358
00:19:43,098 --> 00:19:44,975
I should've chosen your whore sister!
359
00:19:46,351 --> 00:19:50,063
Aw, fuck. Hold up, time out. Look!
360
00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:54,401
- How did Chrissy get back to Earth?
- That's not the problem. This is.
361
00:19:54,401 --> 00:19:57,905
These asshats are mercenaries
hired to dispose of demons.
362
00:19:58,071 --> 00:20:00,032
They're gonna kill Chrissy
if we don't stop them.
363
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:02,451
-"We?" Fuck you.
- Let's stop measuring dicks
364
00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:05,329
for our daughter's sake.
I need a cadaver. But fresh.
365
00:20:05,329 --> 00:20:07,164
Like between a finger twitch
and a bowel release.
366
00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:10,000
Wait a minute. When we dated,
were you inside someone's corpse?
367
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,669
And you had an unfinished dolphin tattoo.
Don't be a snob.
368
00:20:13,962 --> 00:20:15,714
Gerald's gonna be at that party,
and I don't care
369
00:20:15,714 --> 00:20:18,091
if he just had knee surgery
'cause I'm about to hit that!
370
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:20,427
- Oh, my God!
371
00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:23,430
Well, welcome back! You should take
a shower. You smell like rot.
372
00:20:23,597 --> 00:20:25,724
Where the hell am I gonna find a cadaver?
373
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:28,894
There's only so far I'll go for you,
Laura! I'll see you at the party!
374
00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:32,231
Okay, he better have health insurance too,
'cause I'm gonna tear that back up.
375
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:41,865
- GIRL 1: Who cut off my jams?
- BOY 1: Is it, like,
376
00:20:41,949 --> 00:20:42,991
cloak season or something?
377
00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:44,451
BOY 2:
Just push your way to the front.
378
00:20:44,576 --> 00:20:46,328
At last we meet, vile beast.
379
00:20:46,995 --> 00:20:50,249
I've waited my entire career
to watch the life drain
380
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:53,460
from your hideous eyes
and put an end to your father's plan.
381
00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:55,587
- GIRL 2: Get a real job!
- I am well paid!
382
00:20:55,712 --> 00:20:58,257
I don't think you know
who you're dealing with, chief.
383
00:20:58,382 --> 00:21:00,467
Piss quick, your pants are on fire!
384
00:21:02,552 --> 00:21:05,055
- Smoke if you got 'em.
385
00:21:05,055 --> 00:21:09,226
Here you go, sparky!
Fire it up, baby!
386
00:21:10,477 --> 00:21:13,480
What is this?
387
00:21:13,981 --> 00:21:18,277
- And now, the real suffering begins.
- Leave her alone!
388
00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:21,363
- Bennigan!
- I have a gut feeling I'll be okay!
389
00:21:21,571 --> 00:21:23,323
GIRL 3:
This party just got lame.
390
00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:27,786
Deceiver, dark one,
thou shall be cast into...
391
00:21:28,370 --> 00:21:32,082
Wow. Uh. Eh, sorry,
it's like you stand here,
392
00:21:32,082 --> 00:21:33,542
holding the ceremonial knife
393
00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:35,377
- with this Antichrist...
- BOY 3: Who gives a shit?
394
00:21:35,377 --> 00:21:39,715
I do. And I am your final judgment!
395
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,760
- Why?
- Comedy.
396
00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:48,640
- Get your hands off my daughter!
- Our daughter.
397
00:21:48,765 --> 00:21:53,520
- Oh, great. My parents are here.
- Hi, honey! I'm a chicken now!
398
00:22:09,286 --> 00:22:10,537
MERCENARY 4: My weenie! My weenie!
399
00:22:14,249 --> 00:22:15,876
Really? That's all you got?
400
00:22:15,876 --> 00:22:18,128
I made a dozen guys shoot their dicks off.
401
00:22:18,295 --> 00:22:20,213
- MERCENARY 5: And one vagina!
402
00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:25,510
- Now, we're having fun!
- We're like The Incredibles, but gross.
403
00:22:25,635 --> 00:22:28,347
With my last breath, let...
404
00:22:29,765 --> 00:22:32,684
I will get my revenge! You shall pay!
405
00:22:33,268 --> 00:22:35,312
Has anyone seen the tip of my dick?
406
00:22:35,729 --> 00:22:38,315
GIRL 4: If my parents ever show up
to a party, murder me with a knife.
407
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:40,692
- What is middle school
408
00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:43,236
but Sisyphus pretending to love
the boulder?
409
00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:45,030
See you at the bottom
of the hill tomorrow, new girl.
410
00:22:45,030 --> 00:22:46,698
That was so deep.
Just like your pool, Arabella.
411
00:22:46,782 --> 00:22:48,533
- My sister had Sisyphus.
- See you tomorrow!
412
00:22:48,658 --> 00:22:51,912
Boy, did we have a meet-weird, right?
Like it was a meet-cute,
413
00:22:52,037 --> 00:22:54,164
but it was weird
'cause of all the carnage!
414
00:22:54,748 --> 00:22:56,792
- Chrissy, are you hurt?
- Don't worry, Daddy's here.
415
00:22:56,917 --> 00:22:58,502
Oh, I'll show you what I do to daddies!
416
00:22:58,627 --> 00:23:01,546
Just fucking stop it!
This was the worst day of my life
417
00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:04,383
and it was because of you two
self-centered assholes!
418
00:23:04,633 --> 00:23:07,135
If you want your sire and seed
or whatever,
419
00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:10,472
and you actually want a daughter,
know that I'm calling the shots now!
420
00:23:10,472 --> 00:23:12,057
Got it? Got it?
421
00:23:12,057 --> 00:23:13,934
- Yeah, got it, cool your jets.
- Yeah, fine, we got it.
422
00:23:13,934 --> 00:23:15,310
Mom, I'm going to school tomorrow.
423
00:23:15,435 --> 00:23:18,105
No more running.
And Dad, I don't trust you,
424
00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:21,942
but I wanna get to know you, but slowly,
like, every other weekend.
425
00:23:22,109 --> 00:23:24,486
Every other? That's...
that's... that's a little weak.
426
00:23:24,736 --> 00:23:27,322
- God damn it!
- We got time to negotiate.
427
00:23:27,739 --> 00:23:29,908
Now, who wants pancakes?
428
00:23:35,789 --> 00:23:38,041
Well, now, you've met your father.
429
00:23:46,967 --> 00:23:49,636
{\an8} No, not yet.
Her mother's stronger than I thought.
430
00:23:49,636 --> 00:23:51,138
But, hey, who cares?
431
00:23:51,555 --> 00:23:56,309
My daughter's gonna join me soon,
and then I'll be top shit for eternity.
432
00:23:56,518 --> 00:23:58,979
But I just gotta be patient, you know?
433
00:23:59,271 --> 00:24:02,566
And I'm a patient guy.
I wrote the book on patience!
434
00:24:02,732 --> 00:24:04,526
Got all the time in the world.
435
00:24:14,411 --> 00:24:17,622
Just wanted to let you know
that I left some sanitary pads
436
00:24:17,706 --> 00:24:19,291
near where the bathroom sink used to be.
437
00:24:21,543 --> 00:24:25,255
Oh, and hey, that thing I said
about my life being ruined...
438
00:24:25,839 --> 00:24:29,301
I was a mess before I had you.
That's... that's sort of how I had you.
439
00:24:29,426 --> 00:24:32,095
So, yeah, you... you didn't ruin anything.
440
00:24:32,804 --> 00:24:34,973
You made me better. Okay?
441
00:24:36,224 --> 00:24:37,851
I love you. Night.
442
00:24:51,948 --> 00:24:54,034
My little baby girl's all grown up.
443
00:24:54,576 --> 00:24:58,079
Time for Mama to grow up, too.
No more running.
444
00:24:58,205 --> 00:25:01,500
I never thought I'd hear
the Laura Feinberg say those words.
445
00:25:01,708 --> 00:25:04,461
Oh, it is creepy when you come
out of the shadows like that, Erwin.
446
00:25:04,586 --> 00:25:06,963
I don't control the lighting in here,
you do.
447
00:25:07,214 --> 00:25:09,341
You know, maybe Mama wasn't running
from the devil.
448
00:25:09,758 --> 00:25:12,886
Maybe Mama was running
from being a real mama.
449
00:25:13,553 --> 00:25:19,434
Ah, okay. So, if Mama's not running,
what's next on the docket?
450
00:25:19,559 --> 00:25:22,854
I don't know. What do people do
in the suburbs anyway, huh?
451
00:25:23,355 --> 00:25:26,191
Rake leaves, start book clubs,
452
00:25:26,399 --> 00:25:28,944
walk into the ocean
and drown themselves? I mean...
453
00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:34,074
{\an8}- Hey, you wanna watch Con Air?
- You read Mama's mind.
36501
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