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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:10,552 --> 00:00:11,803 Oh God! 2 00:00:11,970 --> 00:00:15,682 Oh God! 3 00:00:34,492 --> 00:00:38,788 By the power of Hephzibah, I compel you to oblivion! 4 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,134 Oh, a girl. 5 00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:06,566 You'll need a needle for that one, Christina. 6 00:01:06,691 --> 00:01:08,276 - That's cystic. - You're cystic. 7 00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:09,652 {\an8}How do you know what I need? 8 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,488 {\an8}Because I'm your mother, and mothers know best. 9 00:01:11,654 --> 00:01:13,782 {\an8}Oh, you're right, Mother, you do know best. 10 00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:16,743 {\an8}I'm so glad you moved us to a new town in the middle of a school year, 11 00:01:16,868 --> 00:01:18,411 {\an8}so I get to restart seventh grade 12 00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:21,122 {\an8}- with a whole new group of kids. - Look, I know it's not ideal. 13 00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:23,166 {\an8}But... but... but don't blame me for the economy, okay? 14 00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:24,876 {\an8}- I gotta go where the work is. - Mom! 15 00:01:26,252 --> 00:01:28,463 {\an8}Use the crosswalk, you little gremlin! 16 00:01:28,713 --> 00:01:30,507 You're lucky your mom's got the reflexes... 17 00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:32,092 - ...of a goddamn cheetah. 18 00:01:32,217 --> 00:01:34,761 {\an8}I'm walking the rest of the way. I can't stand another minute with you. 19 00:01:35,970 --> 00:01:38,098 {\an8}- Are you sure you're okay? - Yeah, I'm fine. 20 00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,308 - What's going on? Are you feeling fussy? - What? 21 00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:42,811 {\an8}- Your little rosebuds tender? Tell me. - Stop it! Ew! 22 00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:44,771 {\an8}- Mom! Get off of me! - Let me feel. Let me feel them! 23 00:01:44,979 --> 00:01:46,147 {\an8}- Goodbye! - Hey, does this hurt? 24 00:01:46,231 --> 00:01:48,149 - A... and don't forget new school rules. 25 00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:49,859 - Assume everyone is a murderer 26 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:50,985 {\an8}until proven otherwise. 27 00:01:52,028 --> 00:01:53,988 - Christina? 28 00:01:54,697 --> 00:01:57,742 {\an8}MALE STUDENT 1: Oh, my favorite actor got cancelled this year. 29 00:01:57,826 --> 00:01:59,994 {\an8}...and I was like, "Yes, Mom, I do love 30 00:02:00,078 --> 00:02:01,079 {\an8}"my followers more than you." 31 00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:03,289 {\an8}- MALE STUDENT 2: Is that a new girl? 32 00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:05,875 - Ooh! 33 00:02:15,510 --> 00:02:18,263 {\an8}Hey, guy. Mind if I share this locker with you? 34 00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:21,307 {\an8}MALE STUDENT 4: Hey, heads up! Behind ya, motherfucker! 35 00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:26,980 {\an8}- Gotcha, little one. Um. Hi. - Hi. 36 00:02:27,272 --> 00:02:30,024 {\an8}I believe this thirty-legged friendly centipede is yours? 37 00:02:30,358 --> 00:02:31,734 {\an8}- Oh, oh, yeah. - Yeah. 38 00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,153 {\an8}- Thanks. - You're new here, right? 39 00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:34,654 {\an8}- Uh-huh. - I'm Bennigan. 40 00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:36,614 {\an8}Resident self-appointed school greeter. 41 00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:38,741 - So... - Oh, hi. I'm Chrissy. 42 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,660 - Hi. - Did you know the technical name 43 00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:42,662 of the house centipede is Scutigera coleoptrata? 44 00:02:42,787 --> 00:02:44,706 - Coleoptrata. Yeah! - Oh, you knew! 45 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:47,083 - I totally knew. 46 00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:48,293 Nerds! 47 00:02:48,459 --> 00:02:50,336 - Uh. So, there's like, this... - Yeah. 48 00:02:50,628 --> 00:02:52,714 ...party tonight at the abandoned Taco Chateau 49 00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:56,009 on Concord Pike. You should go. And I'll go. 50 00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:58,553 And then that way we're kind of going together? 51 00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:01,556 - Huh? - Okay. 52 00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:03,766 - Uh. Have to bathroom now. - Oh. 53 00:03:04,142 --> 00:03:05,643 Oh, my God. Please forget I just said that. 54 00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:07,228 - Yeah. Yeah. 55 00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:10,190 Don't... don't worry, I've flushed it from my memory, so... 56 00:03:15,945 --> 00:03:18,698 Probably shouldn't have eaten that block of cheese last night. 57 00:03:18,990 --> 00:03:23,453 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 58 00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:26,539 - Not today! - MALE BULLY 1: Come on, get in here! 59 00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:28,041 May I suggest the boys' room? 60 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,542 Men have taken so much from women already. 61 00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:31,836 Girls don't poo-poo, dumbass. God, I hate nerds. 62 00:03:31,961 --> 00:03:33,379 - Bennigan! - MALE BULLY 2: Me too. 63 00:03:33,504 --> 00:03:36,049 My mom left my awesome dad for a nerd. 64 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:39,510 Now, instead of football games, we visit historical bridges. 65 00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:40,845 Bridges! Gross! 66 00:03:41,095 --> 00:03:45,141 Now, let's get you on my livestream, so everyone can watch you bleed. 67 00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:47,602 - Don't! - Uh. This feels like a big escalation 68 00:03:47,602 --> 00:03:50,230 from swirlies, man. But we graduate this year, 69 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,981 - and so should our violence. 70 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:56,236 MALE BULLY 2: Hey. Shush! You hear that drippy drip? 71 00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:57,820 That ain't no leaky faucet. 72 00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:07,413 Guess I was wrong about them not poo-pooing. 73 00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:08,831 Nah, dude, that's no dookie. 74 00:04:09,165 --> 00:04:12,877 Freaky new girl's blossomed into a freaky new woman. 75 00:04:13,002 --> 00:04:16,714 - Please don't. - Say hi to the world, Bloody Mary. 76 00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:20,843 MALE BULLY 2: Hear what I said? I called her "Bloody Mary" 77 00:04:21,010 --> 00:04:25,390 -‘cause she got her period and stuff. 78 00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:38,319 - MALE BULLY 1: Gross legs! 79 00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:54,919 Oh, I'm not a proponent of violence, but that was irrefutably cathartic. 80 00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:07,140 - So... - So... 81 00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:11,853 So, uh, about that party, is that invite still, ah... 82 00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:13,896 - Yes! Yes! - Oh, sweet! 83 00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:15,398 - Great! - That's great. 84 00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:17,317 - I'll see you out there, then. - Cool! 85 00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:24,365 - Exit the building in an orderly fashion! 86 00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:25,700 - I said orderly! 87 00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:32,915 - Mom? - Get in, now. Come on! 88 00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:35,001 Here, here. Salt your hair 89 00:05:35,126 --> 00:05:36,961 - and burn this photo of yourself. - What... why? What... 90 00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:38,004 what's happening? 91 00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:39,630 Look, there's no more putting this off. 92 00:05:40,214 --> 00:05:42,884 Your dad is the devil and you are his mortal conduit to Earth, 93 00:05:42,884 --> 00:05:45,386 - known to Bibley types as the Antichrist. - What the fuck? 94 00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:49,223 You got your period and made that hole in the sky, 95 00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:51,309 and now your dad knows where to find you, so we gotta go. 96 00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:54,270 - But you said my dad was dead! - I said "not alive." 97 00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:55,480 Fasten your seatbelt, honey. 98 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:57,315 And if you have any questions about feminine hygiene, 99 00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:59,484 there's a pamphlet in the glove box right under the gun. 100 00:05:59,817 --> 00:06:00,818 Gun? 101 00:06:05,239 --> 00:06:08,201 - That's one brave parakeet. - Hope he stays off Twitter. 102 00:06:08,326 --> 00:06:11,162 In other news, the sky over a local junior high... 103 00:06:11,162 --> 00:06:12,538 - ...has torn open, 104 00:06:12,622 --> 00:06:14,290 {\an8}leaving a cosmic black void... 105 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:15,375 - ...over Middletown. 106 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:18,336 {\an8}Authorities have no details about the black hole's origin or purpose. 107 00:06:18,336 --> 00:06:20,338 - But whatever it wants... 108 00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:21,589 - ...you can bet 109 00:06:21,589 --> 00:06:24,509 it won't be keeping us from Shayla Rosenblatt's Birthday After Party 110 00:06:24,509 --> 00:06:27,303 at the abandoned Taco Chateau on Concord Pike. 111 00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:29,097 Access Hollywood is next. 112 00:06:33,684 --> 00:06:35,645 MERCENARIES' LEADER: Put him on. The Pope. 113 00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:37,146 Hello? Come again? 114 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:39,524 You goofy rascal! You answer your own phone? 115 00:06:39,649 --> 00:06:42,360 - The Black Hole has arrived. 116 00:06:42,610 --> 00:06:46,030 The time has come for me to thwart Satan's fiendish plan 117 00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:48,699 by killing his spawn, the Antichrist. 118 00:06:48,866 --> 00:06:51,744 My forces assemble in Middletown as we speak and... 119 00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:53,663 - Uh, hold on. - Uh. Someone's beeping in? 120 00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:55,123 Oh, no, no. I've got 'em holding. 121 00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:56,541 - Oh, no, please grab it. - Mm-hmm. 122 00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:58,584 I'll call you when the child is dead. 123 00:07:01,629 --> 00:07:04,966 - Take it all! - I liked things the way they were! 124 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:08,010 I'm supposed to accept that you had sex with Satan? 125 00:07:08,136 --> 00:07:09,345 Or anyone? 126 00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:12,765 Ah, tight burn. Fact, Chrissy, all women were girls, 127 00:07:12,849 --> 00:07:14,642 all girls make choices, and half of those are bad. 128 00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:17,979 So... so, moving 14 times in eight years wasn't for work? 129 00:07:18,229 --> 00:07:20,189 No. It was so your dad couldn't track us. 130 00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:22,984 Except when we left Vermont. I cannot deal with those fucking hippies. 131 00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:25,319 Look, I was trying to give you some glimmer 132 00:07:25,403 --> 00:07:29,073 - of a normal childhood, okay? - Normal? Nothing's normal about my life! 133 00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:33,035 Are you mental? I have no friends and I just exploded two bullies! 134 00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:35,496 Bullies? Did they hurt you, Christina? Because if they did, 135 00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:37,457 - I swear to God... - They're dead! 136 00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:41,919 Okay, they're dead, yes. 137 00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:45,006 But in this family, we don't dwell on the past. We look to the future. 138 00:07:45,006 --> 00:07:47,925 And in our future, there's an Inuit fishing village in Alaska 139 00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:50,678 that's so remote, it'll make that ghost town in Wyoming 140 00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:53,347 - look like Shanghai. - No. No, not this time. 141 00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:56,392 No, I made my first friend and he's a boy, and he... 142 00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:58,102 he invited me to my first party. 143 00:07:58,269 --> 00:08:00,188 And your vagina just became a homing device 144 00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:02,231 - for the prince of darkness. - My dad's not the one 145 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:06,319 who's been gaslighting me my entire life. Maybe I want him to find me! 146 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,321 Oh, you better choose your next words carefully. 147 00:08:08,529 --> 00:08:10,406 Come and get me, Satan! 148 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,074 - Oh! That is what... 149 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,659 ...I didn't want you to say! 150 00:08:13,743 --> 00:08:15,328 - We're packing, then leaving! - Get off of me! 151 00:08:15,703 --> 00:08:17,955 Oh, hey, Laur! I left your sugar in the mailbox! 152 00:08:18,039 --> 00:08:20,291 Oh, God! What... what do you make of this thing, huh? 153 00:08:20,416 --> 00:08:21,584 Biblical or the media? 154 00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:23,169 - You never know these days, Darlene! 155 00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:24,587 Yeah, you never do know! Do ya? 156 00:08:24,712 --> 00:08:26,631 - Let go of me! - You don't know anything 157 00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:28,799 - until you know it and then you don't... - Get off of me, you... 158 00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:31,469 - Come on! Come on. Come on! - What! You... No! 159 00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:34,889 - Everything you ever told me is a lie! - I lied to protect you, 160 00:08:35,014 --> 00:08:36,390 and I don't regret it for a second! 161 00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:38,184 The only thing I need protection from is you! 162 00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:40,144 Oh, you wouldn't last a day in the real world without me! 163 00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:42,605 - You're a bitch! - And you're an ungrateful asshole! 164 00:08:44,482 --> 00:08:47,443 Touché. Now, change your pants, sweetheart. 165 00:08:51,989 --> 00:08:55,117 You banged the devil 'cause he's the only one who would actually go there. 166 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:58,579 Damn, that's what I should've said to her. 167 00:08:58,829 --> 00:09:00,706 We can take you away from here. 168 00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:04,460 - First, you must agree... - To see your father. 169 00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:08,673 Oh, my dad sent you? If I agree to do that, can I get a ride 170 00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:10,550 to the Abandoned Taco Chateau on Concord Pike? 171 00:09:10,841 --> 00:09:12,218 That would not be an issue. 172 00:09:12,343 --> 00:09:15,513 Actually, we are not authorized to make that promise. 173 00:09:15,721 --> 00:09:20,726 But nothing is off the table. Your father is well able to provide. 174 00:09:21,018 --> 00:09:23,062 Okay. I agree to see my father. 175 00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:32,238 - I will not learn their names, 176 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:34,365 - but you can bring one... 177 00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:40,121 - Finished? - Almost! Last one's silver. 178 00:09:43,457 --> 00:09:45,293 No! Damn it! 179 00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:48,713 - (HISSES, PANTS) No. 180 00:09:55,803 --> 00:09:57,638 No. 181 00:09:57,805 --> 00:10:01,350 You're not smashing me until you look at me. Look at me! 182 00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:04,562 Piece of shit, you poser Wiccan slut. 183 00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:06,564 Now, raise your hand if you fucked the Devil. 184 00:10:07,398 --> 00:10:09,900 Now, keep your hand up if you knew this day was coming. 185 00:10:11,402 --> 00:10:14,238 Now, let's go smash some shit that makes a difference. 186 00:10:25,833 --> 00:10:27,752 - Good luck! - Shut up, Erwin. 187 00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:32,173 {\an8}It appears the black hole has stopped sucking! 188 00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:35,009 Some fact-humping scientists said that this hole will suck forever. 189 00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:37,678 What a fucking joke. Now, let's rock it out tonight 190 00:10:37,762 --> 00:10:39,639 at Shayla Rosenblatt's Birthday After Party! 191 00:10:41,932 --> 00:10:43,893 Real estate inspector. How about yourself? 192 00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:45,978 I purge the world of demonic forces 193 00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:48,648 for the Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church. 194 00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:51,567 - Business trip? Pleasure? - They say do what you love. 195 00:10:51,859 --> 00:10:54,236 And I love nothing more than cutting out the heart 196 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,656 of an adolescent girl for monetary gain. 197 00:10:56,781 --> 00:10:59,408 Swap "girl" with "drywall" and "heart" with "mold damage" 198 00:10:59,533 --> 00:11:01,243 and we basically have the same job. 199 00:11:06,207 --> 00:11:07,917 I think her mother killed him. 200 00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:10,544 He was the best of us, but we must move on. 201 00:11:10,628 --> 00:11:13,047 It's what... ...would've wanted. 202 00:11:13,172 --> 00:11:15,216 ...was a lie, and she says, "I lied to protect you." 203 00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:17,259 - She sounds like a bitch. - That's what I said! 204 00:11:17,593 --> 00:11:19,762 - Huh? 205 00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:23,099 It's been prophesized since time began. 206 00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:26,102 And now, they are finally united! 207 00:11:26,268 --> 00:11:29,605 The dastardly duo who will alter the universe... 208 00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,190 - ...for the rest of time! 209 00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:36,487 Come to your father, Damien. 210 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,408 Not getting a "Damien" vibe. 211 00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:47,540 Oh, you're a girl. The future is female! I support and believe you. 212 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:50,918 Wait, hold on, you'll like this man suit better. 213 00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:55,172 - Congrats on shedding first blood! - Ew. 214 00:11:55,297 --> 00:11:57,466 Can everyone please stop talking about my period? 215 00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,385 Oh, God, no, gross. 216 00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:02,638 Did your mom tell you that? I'm talking about the teens you murdered. 217 00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:05,641 - I didn't mean to... - Don't let other people's moral laws 218 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,518 make you think what you did was wrong. 219 00:12:07,643 --> 00:12:10,813 Together, you and I can create a future without rules, 220 00:12:10,938 --> 00:12:15,735 where you can call your own shots. Live the life you want to live. Thoughts? 221 00:12:15,943 --> 00:12:18,446 Yeah, I've got thoughts. Where have you been my whole life 222 00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:20,614 and what do I have that you suddenly want? 223 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:21,991 Baby, I'm not a deadbeat dad. 224 00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:25,619 You were stolen and I couldn't find you until you came into your powers. 225 00:12:25,703 --> 00:12:29,039 There are these fucking cosmic laws I can't break. 226 00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:31,751 - That's why I'm not in Hell. - Wait, this isn't Hell? 227 00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:34,962 Shit, no! This is the Metaphysical Realm. 228 00:12:34,962 --> 00:12:36,172 Hmm, fancy. 229 00:12:36,672 --> 00:12:38,591 - Hipsters call it "The Fringe..." 230 00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:39,759 ...which makes me wanna punch 231 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:40,968 - a hole in my face. - Huh. 232 00:12:40,968 --> 00:12:43,721 It's like the central hub for all unearthly realms. 233 00:12:44,221 --> 00:12:48,142 Think Port Authority, but with much, much, much more urine, 234 00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:51,228 - and fewer bomb threats. - So, if I call the shots, 235 00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:53,022 does that mean I don't have to listen to anyone? 236 00:12:53,230 --> 00:12:55,316 Look at that guy. He's got a bird head, and he craps bubbles! 237 00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:56,484 - and he craps bubbles! 238 00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:59,278 I thought that was pretty cool! What's your name, by the way? 239 00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:02,072 - Christina. -‘Course she named you that. 240 00:13:02,281 --> 00:13:05,868 ...and I'm like, "Oh, okay, Rhonda, so you're saying a black hole's 241 00:13:05,993 --> 00:13:08,496 "the reason your husband's been cheating on you for three years." 242 00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:10,206 - Oh, hey, did you get in touch 243 00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:11,832 with that guy I told you about, Eric? 244 00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:14,710 He's sweet and rich, and a geropsychologist. 245 00:13:14,835 --> 00:13:17,630 Yeah, I'd rather fist a dog than be in a relationship, Darlene. 246 00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:20,633 Lambskin? What are you, a druid? You're so retro! 247 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:22,301 - Oh, but that should come 248 00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:25,638 in handy tonight for Shayla Rosenblatt's Birthday After Party. I'm bringing frosé. 249 00:13:25,846 --> 00:13:27,431 Whoo! You're jacked! 250 00:13:27,515 --> 00:13:29,517 - Seriously, you got the body of a convict. 251 00:13:29,683 --> 00:13:31,727 - Oh, and you use it for storage. 252 00:13:31,852 --> 00:13:34,814 I'm going into the Metaphysical Realm to kill the devil and get my daughter 253 00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:36,857 and I need you to watch my body while I'm gone. 254 00:13:36,982 --> 00:13:38,192 - If this works... - Oh, wow! 255 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:41,654 ...I'm gonna look like I'm dead, okay? But technically, I won't be. 256 00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:44,073 If it doesn't work, I will just look and be dead. 257 00:13:44,198 --> 00:13:45,783 Jesus, uh, do you know what you're doing? 258 00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:49,829 Okay, but when are you coming back? 259 00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:52,581 Okay, all right, I'll just wait here. 260 00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:11,642 Holy shit! That was painful! 261 00:14:49,138 --> 00:14:51,932 Hey, everybody! This is my daughter. 262 00:14:52,057 --> 00:14:53,851 Kiss her ass or I'll slaughter your children. 263 00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:56,604 - Proud of you! - Hey, let's have a drink. 264 00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:59,815 I know, now, you're thinking, "Is he a dad or just a cool friend?" 265 00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:03,110 I was thinking that you're trying too hard. Is that track lighting? 266 00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:04,862 Eh, well, still, it's a work in progress. 267 00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:06,989 Snake with Arms, a round of something spicy. 268 00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:09,199 Speaking of spicy, how's your mom? 269 00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:11,118 - Is she still an alcoholic? - Huh? 270 00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:13,412 - She fucked a lamp once. - I'm not interested in... Wait, what? 271 00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:16,373 Look, she doesn't get you, I do. You're a teen! 272 00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:17,958 You shouldn't be living on the lam. 273 00:15:18,125 --> 00:15:21,629 You should be planting roots, doing normal teen things! 274 00:15:21,629 --> 00:15:25,215 Really? Cool, because the beast guys you sent said you'd be down to give me 275 00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:28,344 - a ride to the abandoned Taco... - The abandoned Taco Chateau? Blammo! 276 00:15:34,433 --> 00:15:38,103 - Wow, you're actually kinda okay. - A toast before you head out. 277 00:15:38,395 --> 00:15:40,356 To my fricking amazing daughter! 278 00:15:40,522 --> 00:15:43,651 - Oh, well... thanks, Dad. - To your future! 279 00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:46,487 And to consenting to join as sire and seed, 280 00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:48,989 - reclaiming the infernal sovereign... - Uh. There it is! 281 00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:50,658 - What? - Your lame attempt to trap me 282 00:15:50,658 --> 00:15:54,870 - in your binding agreement. - Oh, no, no. It's not lame at all. 283 00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:57,039 It's called Maximus Dawnus. 284 00:15:57,247 --> 00:16:00,668 And when we carry it out together, it'll let us fold all the realms 285 00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:04,505 into one big, way-more-powerful, lawless universe. 286 00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:08,384 It'll be like an anarchistic socialist utopia. 287 00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:10,886 - That sounds cool, right? - Uh-huh. 288 00:16:14,181 --> 00:16:16,517 - Mom? 289 00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:22,272 - Remember me, motherfucker? - How could I forget? 290 00:16:22,356 --> 00:16:24,483 - Mom, how did you... - You bulked up. 291 00:16:24,608 --> 00:16:26,068 In a good way. In a good way. 292 00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:29,905 Thirteen years, preparing for the day this rotting chode would make his play 293 00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,323 - and bridge our worlds. 294 00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:34,159 You're welcome for giving you a higher calling than robotripping 295 00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:35,744 and tequila-soaked tampons! 296 00:16:35,911 --> 00:16:39,790 Coming from a guy who pretended to be someone else for six goddamn months. 297 00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:41,709 - You gaslit the wrong bitch. 298 00:16:44,878 --> 00:16:46,839 Brain shot! Get it, girl! 299 00:16:49,466 --> 00:16:51,593 - Head smash! - Oh, my God! Who are you? 300 00:16:53,262 --> 00:16:55,389 - Fuck you! - What do you think you're gonna do, 301 00:16:55,723 --> 00:16:59,560 kill me? I'm not Dracula. I'm the goddamn devil. 302 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:02,438 You got about as much chance of laying a finger on me as... 303 00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:03,564 - Ow! 304 00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:05,774 - What was that? - Oil of Abramelin, 305 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,985 blessed by an uncircumcised Kabbalist Rabbi. 306 00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:09,236 - What? - Mom! 307 00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:10,988 And if he thought that hurt, he's gonna love 308 00:17:10,988 --> 00:17:13,741 - this goat's horn shoved up his dick! - Help! Kill her! 309 00:17:18,245 --> 00:17:20,205 Oh, what a fucking woman. 310 00:17:20,581 --> 00:17:22,166 Weren't you about to shove something up my dick? 311 00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:23,500 No one tells Mama what to do. 312 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,756 You're a washed-up desperate con artist begging 313 00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:31,633 for a little girl to sign his stupid pact to make him feel big again. 314 00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:35,846 No, no, no, no, no, no dick hole. You wanna talk about desperation? 315 00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:37,723 - Don't let the job of mother 316 00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:38,849 go to your head! 317 00:17:38,974 --> 00:17:42,770 You left your whole life behind to raise my spawn. 318 00:17:42,978 --> 00:17:45,314 - Dad, stop! - You're nothing special. 319 00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:48,400 - You're just a vessel. - Hello! Does anyone even hear me? 320 00:17:48,525 --> 00:17:52,529 You think I felt special? 321 00:17:52,613 --> 00:17:54,073 Your magic jizz ruined my life! 322 00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:55,199 You're lucky I didn't kill it. 323 00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:56,950 - You're lucky it didn't kill itself... 324 00:17:57,284 --> 00:17:59,203 ...being shackled to you for 13 years. 325 00:17:59,369 --> 00:18:01,455 - Fuck this. - Well, once she gets to know you, 326 00:18:01,455 --> 00:18:03,916 I'm sure she'll jump at the chance to slit your wrists! 327 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,667 I don't bleed, bitch! 328 00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:08,504 Gross ass parents. They don't care about me. 329 00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:13,425 Well, I don't care about them. Actually, I don't care about anything! 330 00:18:15,677 --> 00:18:19,807 A toast! To my parents! For fucking me up! Huh? 331 00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:22,851 That slaps! 332 00:18:23,143 --> 00:18:26,480 - New girl is spicing this party up! 333 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:29,149 We love that you don't care what anyone thinks. 334 00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:30,943 Slay, honey! 335 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:32,236 Slay I shall! 336 00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:37,074 - Benny! Bennigan! Hey! - Chrissy, wow! You made it! 337 00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:38,200 - Ha! - You left so quickly 338 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,535 after you murdered those two bullies, 339 00:18:39,535 --> 00:18:41,537 I never got a chance to thank you! So, thank you! 340 00:18:41,537 --> 00:18:44,373 - Psst. No thanks necessary. Totes my plej! 341 00:18:44,498 --> 00:18:47,543 I hope the rest of your day was less explosive. 342 00:18:50,045 --> 00:18:53,048 Yep, it was, unless you count the explosion of flavor 343 00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,509 - in my homemade muffins! - Oh! 344 00:18:55,509 --> 00:18:58,595 But, in a more literal sense, no, it was just that one explosion. You? 345 00:18:58,762 --> 00:19:00,222 Some ups, some downs, you know? 346 00:19:00,389 --> 00:19:04,393 I just found out my dad's not really dead, my mom doesn't give two shits about me, 347 00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:06,645 the last 13 years of my life, I've been a pawn 348 00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:09,690 in their fucked up relationship. I rode on a carriage 349 00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:12,860 made from the flesh of two mutated krakens to get here, 350 00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:16,530 and I wish I was never born. But otherwise, a great day! 351 00:19:17,781 --> 00:19:20,617 Well, if I had a wish, I'd cancel your wish 352 00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:22,911 because I think it's pretty great you were born. 353 00:19:23,036 --> 00:19:24,913 Aw. Thanks, Bennigan. 354 00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:27,541 - You feeling better? - Better than better. 355 00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:29,877 I'm the motherfucking Antichrist! 356 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:38,510 Listen carefully. Do not leave your trash in this van, it is a rental. 357 00:19:38,677 --> 00:19:42,139 Now, let's gut this child and wear her entrails as a scarf. 358 00:19:43,098 --> 00:19:44,975 I should've chosen your whore sister! 359 00:19:46,351 --> 00:19:50,063 Aw, fuck. Hold up, time out. Look! 360 00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:54,401 - How did Chrissy get back to Earth? - That's not the problem. This is. 361 00:19:54,401 --> 00:19:57,905 These asshats are mercenaries hired to dispose of demons. 362 00:19:58,071 --> 00:20:00,032 They're gonna kill Chrissy if we don't stop them. 363 00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:02,451 -"We?" Fuck you. - Let's stop measuring dicks 364 00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:05,329 for our daughter's sake. I need a cadaver. But fresh. 365 00:20:05,329 --> 00:20:07,164 Like between a finger twitch and a bowel release. 366 00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:10,000 Wait a minute. When we dated, were you inside someone's corpse? 367 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,669 And you had an unfinished dolphin tattoo. Don't be a snob. 368 00:20:13,962 --> 00:20:15,714 Gerald's gonna be at that party, and I don't care 369 00:20:15,714 --> 00:20:18,091 if he just had knee surgery 'cause I'm about to hit that! 370 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:20,427 - Oh, my God! 371 00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:23,430 Well, welcome back! You should take a shower. You smell like rot. 372 00:20:23,597 --> 00:20:25,724 Where the hell am I gonna find a cadaver? 373 00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:28,894 There's only so far I'll go for you, Laura! I'll see you at the party! 374 00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:32,231 Okay, he better have health insurance too, 'cause I'm gonna tear that back up. 375 00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:41,865 - GIRL 1: Who cut off my jams? - BOY 1: Is it, like, 376 00:20:41,949 --> 00:20:42,991 cloak season or something? 377 00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:44,451 BOY 2: Just push your way to the front. 378 00:20:44,576 --> 00:20:46,328 At last we meet, vile beast. 379 00:20:46,995 --> 00:20:50,249 I've waited my entire career to watch the life drain 380 00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:53,460 from your hideous eyes and put an end to your father's plan. 381 00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:55,587 - GIRL 2: Get a real job! - I am well paid! 382 00:20:55,712 --> 00:20:58,257 I don't think you know who you're dealing with, chief. 383 00:20:58,382 --> 00:21:00,467 Piss quick, your pants are on fire! 384 00:21:02,552 --> 00:21:05,055 - Smoke if you got 'em. 385 00:21:05,055 --> 00:21:09,226 Here you go, sparky! Fire it up, baby! 386 00:21:10,477 --> 00:21:13,480 What is this? 387 00:21:13,981 --> 00:21:18,277 - And now, the real suffering begins. - Leave her alone! 388 00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:21,363 - Bennigan! - I have a gut feeling I'll be okay! 389 00:21:21,571 --> 00:21:23,323 GIRL 3: This party just got lame. 390 00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:27,786 Deceiver, dark one, thou shall be cast into... 391 00:21:28,370 --> 00:21:32,082 Wow. Uh. Eh, sorry, it's like you stand here, 392 00:21:32,082 --> 00:21:33,542 holding the ceremonial knife 393 00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:35,377 - with this Antichrist... - BOY 3: Who gives a shit? 394 00:21:35,377 --> 00:21:39,715 I do. And I am your final judgment! 395 00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,760 - Why? - Comedy. 396 00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:48,640 - Get your hands off my daughter! - Our daughter. 397 00:21:48,765 --> 00:21:53,520 - Oh, great. My parents are here. - Hi, honey! I'm a chicken now! 398 00:22:09,286 --> 00:22:10,537 MERCENARY 4: My weenie! My weenie! 399 00:22:14,249 --> 00:22:15,876 Really? That's all you got? 400 00:22:15,876 --> 00:22:18,128 I made a dozen guys shoot their dicks off. 401 00:22:18,295 --> 00:22:20,213 - MERCENARY 5: And one vagina! 402 00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:25,510 - Now, we're having fun! - We're like The Incredibles, but gross. 403 00:22:25,635 --> 00:22:28,347 With my last breath, let... 404 00:22:29,765 --> 00:22:32,684 I will get my revenge! You shall pay! 405 00:22:33,268 --> 00:22:35,312 Has anyone seen the tip of my dick? 406 00:22:35,729 --> 00:22:38,315 GIRL 4: If my parents ever show up to a party, murder me with a knife. 407 00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:40,692 - What is middle school 408 00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:43,236 but Sisyphus pretending to love the boulder? 409 00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:45,030 See you at the bottom of the hill tomorrow, new girl. 410 00:22:45,030 --> 00:22:46,698 That was so deep. Just like your pool, Arabella. 411 00:22:46,782 --> 00:22:48,533 - My sister had Sisyphus. - See you tomorrow! 412 00:22:48,658 --> 00:22:51,912 Boy, did we have a meet-weird, right? Like it was a meet-cute, 413 00:22:52,037 --> 00:22:54,164 but it was weird 'cause of all the carnage! 414 00:22:54,748 --> 00:22:56,792 - Chrissy, are you hurt? - Don't worry, Daddy's here. 415 00:22:56,917 --> 00:22:58,502 Oh, I'll show you what I do to daddies! 416 00:22:58,627 --> 00:23:01,546 Just fucking stop it! This was the worst day of my life 417 00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:04,383 and it was because of you two self-centered assholes! 418 00:23:04,633 --> 00:23:07,135 If you want your sire and seed or whatever, 419 00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:10,472 and you actually want a daughter, know that I'm calling the shots now! 420 00:23:10,472 --> 00:23:12,057 Got it? Got it? 421 00:23:12,057 --> 00:23:13,934 - Yeah, got it, cool your jets. - Yeah, fine, we got it. 422 00:23:13,934 --> 00:23:15,310 Mom, I'm going to school tomorrow. 423 00:23:15,435 --> 00:23:18,105 No more running. And Dad, I don't trust you, 424 00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:21,942 but I wanna get to know you, but slowly, like, every other weekend. 425 00:23:22,109 --> 00:23:24,486 Every other? That's... that's... that's a little weak. 426 00:23:24,736 --> 00:23:27,322 - God damn it! - We got time to negotiate. 427 00:23:27,739 --> 00:23:29,908 Now, who wants pancakes? 428 00:23:35,789 --> 00:23:38,041 Well, now, you've met your father. 429 00:23:46,967 --> 00:23:49,636 {\an8} No, not yet. Her mother's stronger than I thought. 430 00:23:49,636 --> 00:23:51,138 But, hey, who cares? 431 00:23:51,555 --> 00:23:56,309 My daughter's gonna join me soon, and then I'll be top shit for eternity. 432 00:23:56,518 --> 00:23:58,979 But I just gotta be patient, you know? 433 00:23:59,271 --> 00:24:02,566 And I'm a patient guy. I wrote the book on patience! 434 00:24:02,732 --> 00:24:04,526 Got all the time in the world. 435 00:24:14,411 --> 00:24:17,622 Just wanted to let you know that I left some sanitary pads 436 00:24:17,706 --> 00:24:19,291 near where the bathroom sink used to be. 437 00:24:21,543 --> 00:24:25,255 Oh, and hey, that thing I said about my life being ruined... 438 00:24:25,839 --> 00:24:29,301 I was a mess before I had you. That's... that's sort of how I had you. 439 00:24:29,426 --> 00:24:32,095 So, yeah, you... you didn't ruin anything. 440 00:24:32,804 --> 00:24:34,973 You made me better. Okay? 441 00:24:36,224 --> 00:24:37,851 I love you. Night. 442 00:24:51,948 --> 00:24:54,034 My little baby girl's all grown up. 443 00:24:54,576 --> 00:24:58,079 Time for Mama to grow up, too. No more running. 444 00:24:58,205 --> 00:25:01,500 I never thought I'd hear the Laura Feinberg say those words. 445 00:25:01,708 --> 00:25:04,461 Oh, it is creepy when you come out of the shadows like that, Erwin. 446 00:25:04,586 --> 00:25:06,963 I don't control the lighting in here, you do. 447 00:25:07,214 --> 00:25:09,341 You know, maybe Mama wasn't running from the devil. 448 00:25:09,758 --> 00:25:12,886 Maybe Mama was running from being a real mama. 449 00:25:13,553 --> 00:25:19,434 Ah, okay. So, if Mama's not running, what's next on the docket? 450 00:25:19,559 --> 00:25:22,854 I don't know. What do people do in the suburbs anyway, huh? 451 00:25:23,355 --> 00:25:26,191 Rake leaves, start book clubs, 452 00:25:26,399 --> 00:25:28,944 walk into the ocean and drown themselves? I mean... 453 00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:34,074 {\an8}- Hey, you wanna watch Con Air? - You read Mama's mind. 36501

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