Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:06,466
This is Friday night in my hometown.
www.doc-advice.com
2
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:09,537
Those guys behind me
are actually my neighbors.
3
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,888
Brains.
4
00:02:20,556 --> 00:02:22,417
So, why is everybody so mad?
5
00:02:22,516 --> 00:02:25,066
And how did I get stuck
with these two freaks?
6
00:02:26,228 --> 00:02:28,698
Well, the aliens showed up.
7
00:02:30,859 --> 00:02:32,781
Okay, let me back up.
8
00:02:57,635 --> 00:02:59,808
I'm telling you, this thing with Lorelei
is about to happen.
9
00:02:59,930 --> 00:03:01,414
I can feel it in my bones.
10
00:03:01,514 --> 00:03:03,917
- Bones? Yeah, that would be cool.
- You're not even listening.
11
00:03:04,016 --> 00:03:06,169
You never listen to me.
You're supposed to be my friend.
12
00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:08,045
What? Look, Lorelei doesn't like you
like that.
13
00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:09,423
If she did, she'd have given it up by now.
14
00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:12,342
I'm saying, I think she does.
I feel like we're right on the cusp.
15
00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,218
She's been coming over to my house
more and more lately.
16
00:03:14,318 --> 00:03:16,822
That's because she stashes her weed
at your house.
17
00:03:16,947 --> 00:03:19,056
- How did you know that?
- Because her dad's a Christian Scientist
18
00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:22,001
and because everyone calls you
her "weed locker."
19
00:03:24,121 --> 00:03:25,168
No.
20
00:03:25,788 --> 00:03:27,790
- People really call me that?
- All the time.
21
00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:30,026
- It makes me look like an idiot.
- Pretty much.
22
00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:31,736
And what do you say to them?
You back me up, right?
23
00:03:31,836 --> 00:03:32,962
No.
24
00:03:33,129 --> 00:03:34,281
- Parminder...
- What?
25
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:36,866
...that's your job as a friend,
is to make me look good when people...
26
00:03:36,966 --> 00:03:38,685
- Jesus!
- Are you kidding me?
27
00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:40,520
Dude, you're a terrible friend.
28
00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:42,038
Okay.
29
00:03:42,139 --> 00:03:47,020
Maybe she has me hold her weed
as an excuse to keep coming over.
30
00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:48,252
- Did you think about that?
- No.
31
00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:51,882
That's probably it. Her body language
has been super cuspy lately.
32
00:03:51,981 --> 00:03:54,906
- Well, if it's been super cuspy, then...
- Hey, hey, Lor.
33
00:03:57,153 --> 00:03:59,656
Yeah, that cuspiness was palpable.
34
00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:01,991
Shut up.
35
00:04:15,838 --> 00:04:17,055
Boo.
36
00:04:17,173 --> 00:04:20,348
- Oh, God. Hey, Milan.
- Hey, Petra. How's it going?
37
00:04:20,509 --> 00:04:22,728
- Good. How are you?
- Good.
38
00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:25,894
- Tonight's the night.
- Yeah. Yeah, I can't wait.
39
00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:28,769
Your first vamp party.
You're going to love it.
40
00:04:30,228 --> 00:04:35,341
So, I heard that vamp parties can be
kind of rough. Is that...
41
00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:36,694
- Hey, that's my locker there.
- Fuck off.
42
00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:39,346
Look, if you're too scared,
we don't have to do this.
43
00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:41,038
What? No, I'm not scared.
44
00:04:41,363 --> 00:04:44,709
- That's my special girl. Come on.
- Okay.
45
00:04:45,117 --> 00:04:47,245
- Hey, if I could just get into my locker.
- I said, "Fuck off!"
46
00:04:51,207 --> 00:04:52,880
- We should...
- Come on.
47
00:04:55,711 --> 00:04:57,680
Don't ever get in my way again, pussy.
48
00:05:16,608 --> 00:05:17,904
Come on.
49
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:24,913
- Mr. Keller?
- The teachers' lounge.
50
00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:28,420
- What?
- I'm in the teachers' lounge.
51
00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:31,586
Teachers' lounge.
52
00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:33,922
Teachers' lounge.
53
00:05:34,918 --> 00:05:36,591
Teachers' lounge.
54
00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:43,644
For the love of Pete. If you finish a pot
of blood, please put another one on.
55
00:05:44,468 --> 00:05:46,471
Can we all do that? We can all do that.
56
00:05:48,180 --> 00:05:49,249
Look at this.
57
00:05:49,348 --> 00:05:51,877
Mr. Keller, I just had one quick question
about my paper.
58
00:05:51,976 --> 00:05:53,819
I think there's been an error
in the grading.
59
00:05:53,937 --> 00:05:55,755
Let me guess. You think there's
been an error in the grading
60
00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:57,548
because in your mind,
you wrote a wonderful essay
61
00:05:57,649 --> 00:05:59,992
yet you still received a failing grade.
Is that it?
62
00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:01,702
That's correct.
63
00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:03,764
And I'd like you to change it.
64
00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:07,391
Don't you get it, Ned? Not everything
in your life is under your control.
65
00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:10,120
Sometimes people don't do
what you want them to do.
66
00:06:10,286 --> 00:06:12,790
Sometimes you vink at them
and they don't vink back.
67
00:06:14,290 --> 00:06:17,009
- What's a vink?
- It's a cruel world is my point.
68
00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:19,800
It's best you learn that now
before you get the wrong idea. Okay?
69
00:06:22,339 --> 00:06:24,718
And the donuts are gone?
The donuts are gone?
70
00:06:25,634 --> 00:06:29,060
We couldn't save one donut? Not one donut?
71
00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:33,898
No, I don't want your quarter of a donut!
I want a full donut!
72
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:38,360
Don't you dare. Don't you fucking dare!
73
00:06:39,024 --> 00:06:40,867
Unbelievable!
74
00:06:40,983 --> 00:06:42,906
Come on, man! For the love of shit!
75
00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,081
God damn it.
76
00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:55,920
So, you were saying something
about deliberately misgrading my paper
77
00:06:56,081 --> 00:06:57,254
to teach me a lesson?
78
00:07:00,377 --> 00:07:04,281
Ned, I'm so sorry. It's just that
most of the kids that go to this school...
79
00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:06,884
I would love to chain all of them
to their lockers
80
00:07:07,009 --> 00:07:10,288
in a manner that would make sure
that they would not escape.
81
00:07:10,387 --> 00:07:14,125
And then just roll sticks of dynamite.
Like, old-fashioned dynamite.
82
00:07:14,225 --> 00:07:17,254
Just roll it down the hall
and blow up the school.
83
00:07:17,353 --> 00:07:20,358
And then I would spare a couple of faculty.
Not this motherfucker.
84
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:23,360
I should fucking eat you!
85
00:07:24,526 --> 00:07:26,779
But you, you're amazing, Ned.
86
00:07:27,029 --> 00:07:28,848
You're possibly the best student
I have ever had
87
00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:33,500
in the 97 years of teaching at this
godforsaken shit-stain of a school.
88
00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:38,149
And that's the reason that I...
89
00:07:38,249 --> 00:07:42,129
I have to just strangle your dreams
and break you as a being.
90
00:07:42,879 --> 00:07:43,947
I don't understand.
91
00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:47,050
This essay is a masterpiece, Ned.
92
00:07:47,716 --> 00:07:52,473
It should be framed and put in some museum
that's dedicated to great essays.
93
00:07:53,389 --> 00:07:58,961
And I can't tell you how much joy
it gives me that there's an F there.
94
00:07:59,062 --> 00:08:00,939
That F stands for "Fun."
95
00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:04,151
My fun.
96
00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:09,514
Dude, it's crazy. Look, when she's looking
into my eyes, it's like time stops.
97
00:08:09,613 --> 00:08:10,891
She never looks into your eyes.
98
00:08:10,990 --> 00:08:14,060
Look, man, you need to just
shut the fuck up and do something about it.
99
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,730
- Okay, like what?
- I don't know. Go caveman on her.
100
00:08:16,829 --> 00:08:19,127
Just club her over the head,
drag her back to your cave, and just...
101
00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:20,317
You're so violent.
102
00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:22,839
All right, well, then next time
you see her, just grab her thigh.
103
00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:25,906
- Just grab her thigh?
- Enjoy your riblet.
104
00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:28,490
This is Lorelei, okay?
I'm not just gonna grab her thigh.
105
00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:31,494
You know what? Last weekend,
I grabbed Kathy Murch's thigh.
106
00:08:31,593 --> 00:08:34,597
She sat on this face, bro.
I gave her a nose job.
107
00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:38,335
Okay, number one,
I don't even know what that means.
108
00:08:38,434 --> 00:08:41,922
Number two, Kathy Murch is a slut.
109
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,149
Man, stop judging people.
110
00:08:45,524 --> 00:08:46,777
Unless you like her.
111
00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:48,510
- I kind of do.
- You like her?
112
00:08:48,610 --> 00:08:50,328
Can I get some gazpacho?
113
00:08:52,698 --> 00:08:54,371
There's no brains here.
114
00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,629
Would you look at that?
115
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:04,378
Jesus.
116
00:09:04,543 --> 00:09:06,904
Yeah! I'm definitely hitting that.
117
00:09:07,004 --> 00:09:08,847
We're playing you B-squad bitches today.
118
00:09:09,131 --> 00:09:12,807
I'll probably go yard at least twice
and chicks dig the long ball.
119
00:09:13,302 --> 00:09:16,706
Hell, I'll probably go three times
if Coach puts in that bitch, Parminder.
120
00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:18,307
I'm sitting right here.
121
00:09:23,145 --> 00:09:25,649
Hey, Petra. I hear you're going
to the vamp party tonight.
122
00:09:25,981 --> 00:09:27,591
I've always wanted to go to a vamp party.
123
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:29,802
That's because
you're a total wampire, Leonard.
124
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,154
Am not.
125
00:09:31,653 --> 00:09:34,032
Can I come with you?
We can take my dad's Kia.
126
00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:37,059
Yeah, I would,
but I'm actually kind of going with Milan.
127
00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:40,254
Shut up. Milan Pinache? That's huge.
128
00:09:40,496 --> 00:09:43,500
Oh, my God. Look at her face.
She's totally going to fuck him.
129
00:09:43,665 --> 00:09:44,883
Yeah, you better jimmy up.
130
00:09:45,375 --> 00:09:48,504
If you actually knew him,
you'd realize Milan's really sweet.
131
00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:54,599
Cockblock me again
and they'll never find your body.
132
00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:58,690
Your brother is such a dickbag.
133
00:09:58,847 --> 00:10:00,065
I know.
134
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,359
Thank you.
135
00:10:09,399 --> 00:10:11,427
The first pitch I'm throwing
to Chaz, fastball.
136
00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:13,346
- Burn it in.
- Shit!
137
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,072
- What?
- Rick's here.
138
00:10:15,197 --> 00:10:17,182
Yeah, he's sponsoring the team this year.
139
00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:21,270
The fuckbag fired my mom and every time
I see this asshole, he brings it up.
140
00:10:21,370 --> 00:10:22,772
Come on, man.
141
00:10:22,871 --> 00:10:24,715
Whatever. He probably
won't even recognize me.
142
00:10:25,207 --> 00:10:26,442
Here you go, son.
143
00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:28,778
The Malphasta Corporation
welcomes you to the Wolves.
144
00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:30,113
Congratulations.
145
00:10:30,212 --> 00:10:34,092
Hey! I know you. You're Peg Parker's boy.
146
00:10:34,216 --> 00:10:36,286
- Bug? Bag? Tag?
- My name's Dag.
147
00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:38,038
- Doug. Yes, right.
- Dag.
148
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:41,624
Your mom was such a spark plug.
Peg Parker. What's she up to nowadays?
149
00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:43,793
She's good. She's just around the house.
150
00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:47,942
- How long has she been unemployed?
- Since she left the factory.
151
00:10:48,063 --> 00:10:50,942
And why did she leave the factory again?
Wait, wait, I think I have the answer.
152
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,344
- Because I fired her.
- Yeah. You fired her.
153
00:10:53,443 --> 00:10:54,846
She shouldn't have tried
to unionize my zombies.
154
00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:56,306
- Yeah, can I get a uniform?
- That's the whole idea.
155
00:10:56,405 --> 00:10:58,078
- Can I get a fucking uniform?
- Parker!
156
00:10:59,283 --> 00:11:01,251
That was uncalled for.
157
00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:03,245
Come here, son. I want to talk to you.
158
00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:08,176
Come here. Listen.
159
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:10,961
I understand.
160
00:11:11,086 --> 00:11:13,431
I remember what it was like
to be in high school. It's tough.
161
00:11:14,173 --> 00:11:18,850
Especially for a big, tall,
freaky motherfucker like you.
162
00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:21,313
- I'm fine with it.
- Okay, okay.
163
00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:22,916
- I like my body.
- All right.
164
00:11:23,015 --> 00:11:24,484
Let me help you out. A word of advice.
165
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:27,336
Stop concentrating on the negative.
All right?
166
00:11:27,437 --> 00:11:31,283
Look at the bright side.
You get to spend more time with your mom.
167
00:11:32,609 --> 00:11:38,490
And I have a new secretary
who I have sex with.
168
00:11:40,365 --> 00:11:41,709
With my penis.
169
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,462
Lots of people have sex
with their penises.
170
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:50,610
Seeing as how I paid for this field,
171
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:53,446
Coach Pulcifer asked me to come down
here today and say a few words,
172
00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:55,469
so here I am.
173
00:11:57,634 --> 00:12:01,138
I want you to look into the eyes of the boy
sitting next to you. Go ahead, do it.
174
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:03,789
And repeat after me.
175
00:12:03,889 --> 00:12:06,359
"You are not my teammate."
176
00:12:06,475 --> 00:12:08,023
You are not my teammate.
177
00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:10,547
"You are not my friend."
178
00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:12,298
You are not my friend!
179
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:15,384
"You are my enemy
180
00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:17,863
"and must be destroyed."
181
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,389
You are my enemy and must be destroyed!
182
00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:21,557
Chill, dude.
183
00:12:21,658 --> 00:12:25,504
Winners and losers, boys.
That's what makes America great.
184
00:12:26,203 --> 00:12:29,816
Look at me. When I first came to Dillford,
the meat plant was underperforming
185
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:34,171
and I drove an '04 Ford Taurus.
186
00:12:36,172 --> 00:12:40,769
But now the riblet is the crown jewel
of the Malphasta Corporation
187
00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:44,601
and I drive a red Porsche Boxster.
188
00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:50,003
How? I fired the dead weight
and brought in cheap zombie labor.
189
00:12:50,102 --> 00:12:53,197
Why? Because I came here to win.
190
00:12:53,690 --> 00:12:55,299
Out of the 25 boys seated here today
191
00:12:55,399 --> 00:12:59,701
23 of you will go on to lead
completely inconsequential lives.
192
00:12:59,861 --> 00:13:01,806
For the other two boys,
it'll be a different journey.
193
00:13:01,905 --> 00:13:04,909
One of them will just drop dead
for no reason. Poof. Nobody knows why.
194
00:13:05,033 --> 00:13:08,020
Heart attack, aneurysm,
stabbed in the heart in a mall parking lot.
195
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:09,373
Bang, gone.
196
00:13:09,538 --> 00:13:12,543
But the other boy,
whoever that chosen boy is,
197
00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:16,588
he will be a shining fucking star like me.
198
00:13:17,046 --> 00:13:19,264
- This guy.
- He's so amazing.
199
00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:22,759
- Strike three!
- Let's go, let's put one in play.
200
00:13:23,260 --> 00:13:24,979
Parker's got a rocket for an arm, huh?
201
00:13:25,096 --> 00:13:28,541
Yeah. The best I've ever seen.
Too bad he's shit under pressure.
202
00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:30,062
All right, let's go!
203
00:13:30,726 --> 00:13:32,399
- It's on.
- Come on, put one in there.
204
00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:40,988
Come on, man. Damn it. Dick.
205
00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:45,913
Pay attention, Lor.
I'm about to teach this bitch a lesson.
206
00:13:46,241 --> 00:13:48,664
Teach him gently, baby.
That boy's my neighbor.
207
00:13:51,246 --> 00:13:54,296
Okay, nice boy, bring the cheese home.
208
00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:57,761
It better be Swiss because I'm holy, baby.
I'm holy, baby.
209
00:13:58,254 --> 00:13:59,630
Looking good, Dag. Looking good, man.
210
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:01,970
Find the zone, Dag!
211
00:14:04,259 --> 00:14:05,476
I'm going to rape you.
212
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,321
Jesus.
213
00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:26,788
Oh, my God. Say something.
Dag, what did you do?
214
00:14:27,115 --> 00:14:30,120
Are you okay? Gosh.
Okay, we need to get him ice.
215
00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:31,457
Dag!
216
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:35,774
Oh, my God! Okay, okay!
217
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,626
- It's going to be okay.
- Rick, I'm still number one!
218
00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:41,802
Yeah! All right.
219
00:14:43,799 --> 00:14:46,302
- I went out and got wrecked.
- It's in the car.
220
00:14:55,644 --> 00:14:57,898
- Wait, should we go back to the party?
- No.
221
00:14:59,315 --> 00:15:00,424
I'm great right here.
222
00:15:00,524 --> 00:15:01,822
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
223
00:15:05,028 --> 00:15:06,201
Wait.
224
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,082
Is it going to hurt?
225
00:15:09,491 --> 00:15:11,244
A little, at first.
226
00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:14,212
But then ecstasy.
227
00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:15,876
Yeah?
228
00:15:23,713 --> 00:15:26,388
- What are you doing?
- What do you mean, what am I doing?
229
00:15:28,385 --> 00:15:30,058
You said you wanted to go all the way
with me.
230
00:15:31,596 --> 00:15:33,440
I thought you meant sex, not that.
231
00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:39,563
Are you kidding me?
232
00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:42,408
I thought you were cool, Petra.
233
00:15:48,364 --> 00:15:50,616
But why don't you want to be with me
my way?
234
00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:54,040
I already went down
that road with Lorelei.
235
00:15:55,871 --> 00:15:57,440
You slept with Lorelei?
236
00:15:57,539 --> 00:16:01,215
Don't you get it?
Lorelei had me for 17 minutes.
237
00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:04,426
I'm offering you forever.
238
00:16:05,715 --> 00:16:07,700
Do you really mean that?
239
00:16:07,799 --> 00:16:11,429
Do you have any idea
how long I've waited for a girl like you?
240
00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:17,818
Centuries.
241
00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,187
Honey, you're staring again.
242
00:16:37,288 --> 00:16:39,481
The doctor said it would be off
in a year or two, tops.
243
00:16:39,581 --> 00:16:43,177
Two years? If you were a dog,
I would put you down.
244
00:16:44,836 --> 00:16:47,760
Out of love and kindness. A mercy kill.
245
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:51,302
Do you not get it? You've got nothing
to live for. This is what you had.
246
00:16:51,927 --> 00:16:53,679
- His life is over.
- Okay.
247
00:16:53,929 --> 00:16:56,682
He's not a creature of the mind.
He's physical.
248
00:16:57,265 --> 00:16:59,985
We're done. We're done, God, you hear me?
249
00:17:00,602 --> 00:17:01,855
We're done.
250
00:17:03,188 --> 00:17:06,049
I know you're probably thinking
about killing yourself. I don't blame you.
251
00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:09,199
But don't do it because you might get better.
If you don't get better, go for it.
252
00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:11,659
May I be excused, Mom?
253
00:17:11,821 --> 00:17:13,598
Honey, I know that you're upset
about Chaz Jr.
254
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:17,374
But it's important that we stay together
as a family right now.
255
00:17:18,119 --> 00:17:19,622
I didn't say I was upset about Chaz.
256
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,375
Mr. Keller gave me an F on my paper today.
257
00:17:22,959 --> 00:17:27,238
Nerd Boy's getting F's
and hanging out with zombies.
258
00:17:27,337 --> 00:17:28,448
Zombies?
259
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:31,409
I wasn't hanging with zombies.
She was just helping me with my gazpacho.
260
00:17:31,509 --> 00:17:33,636
Why can't you just eat a riblet
like everyone else?
261
00:17:33,802 --> 00:17:37,979
For the millionth time, I'm allergic. Besides,
do you have any idea what's in a riblet?
262
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:42,461
- Tiny ribs.
- Hormones, stimulants, tetrafluoraxipan.
263
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:45,566
It's a chemical compound
otherwise known as TXP.
264
00:17:45,730 --> 00:17:49,885
Okay, Mr. Wizard, enlighten us.
What's so bad about TXP?
265
00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:51,971
- Leading cause of liver failure.
- Who cares?
266
00:17:52,070 --> 00:17:53,806
- Prenatal scoliosis.
- So what?
267
00:17:53,905 --> 00:17:56,224
- Diabetes.
- Doesn't matter.
268
00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:58,144
Pain in the ankles.
269
00:17:58,243 --> 00:18:00,145
Yeah, that would be hard
for sports and whatnot, yeah.
270
00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:01,998
- Also, puff tongue!
- Puff tongue?
271
00:18:02,163 --> 00:18:03,398
- Yeah, puff tongue.
- Puff tongue?
272
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:04,671
Puff tongue.
273
00:18:05,835 --> 00:18:09,931
How terrible. Just think of all those
little kids with puffy tongues. What?
274
00:18:12,008 --> 00:18:15,827
If this TXP stuff was really so unhealthy
275
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:18,455
they wouldn't put it in the riblets,
now would they?
276
00:18:18,556 --> 00:18:21,025
It's what Saturn is made of.
Do you know Saturn?
277
00:18:21,182 --> 00:18:23,184
I know Saturn, a classy economy car.
278
00:18:24,185 --> 00:18:27,440
I'm so sorry about the F, honey.
You'll get them next time.
279
00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:30,409
There's no next time. Do you know
what an F does to my transcript?
280
00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:31,573
No.
281
00:18:31,693 --> 00:18:34,698
- I can kiss my scholarship goodbye.
- You can kiss college goodbye.
282
00:18:35,030 --> 00:18:36,140
What?
283
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,867
I'm sorry, but let's cut the shit, people.
We're in deep trouble here.
284
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,877
Do you have any idea
how much this crapola costs?
285
00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:44,586
- Doesn't insurance cover that?
- Insurance is for suckers, Ned.
286
00:18:44,707 --> 00:18:47,926
From now on, when you're not in school,
I'm going to need you down at the car lot.
287
00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:50,195
Dad, dickbag gets to sell Hyundais
and I don't?
288
00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:53,095
I think that's a fantastic idea.
289
00:18:53,214 --> 00:18:55,637
- I'm going to my room.
- This one.
290
00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:01,103
Why do you think he left the room?
It's because he doesn't want to talk.
291
00:19:02,557 --> 00:19:03,901
Do you got a minute?
292
00:19:08,939 --> 00:19:13,740
Ned, listen, I know that at times it seems
like it's awkward between you and I.
293
00:19:14,612 --> 00:19:17,740
I'm excited that the two of us are going
to get to spend more time together.
294
00:19:18,574 --> 00:19:20,326
- You don't mean that.
- Yes, he does.
295
00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:22,478
Yeah. I do. I really do.
296
00:19:22,577 --> 00:19:24,896
I mean, if you want,
you can start coming to competitions.
297
00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:27,357
There's Mathletes on Saturday
and then there's Odyssey of the Mind.
298
00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:29,859
And there's father-son NASA,
which I think that you would really like.
299
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:33,463
No, no, no. You're overthinking this.
You overthink everything.
300
00:19:33,588 --> 00:19:35,511
Maybe just the father-son NASA.
You don't have to...
301
00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:38,827
Look, right now
I need you down at the lot.
302
00:19:38,927 --> 00:19:40,746
With the extra hours, if we're lucky
303
00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:43,440
maybe Jr.'s dream of making the pros
still has a chance.
304
00:19:43,932 --> 00:19:45,276
What about my dreams?
305
00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:49,855
What dreams?
306
00:19:50,647 --> 00:19:53,151
Well, for starters,
I want to be an engineer someday.
307
00:19:53,275 --> 00:19:57,012
Son, how many times do we have to
go over this? No one rides trains anymore!
308
00:19:57,113 --> 00:19:58,931
You gotta stop living in the clouds
and get real.
309
00:19:59,030 --> 00:20:02,830
If it's not the lot, you can work at the riblet
plant, be a meat bleacher like your mom.
310
00:20:02,951 --> 00:20:06,105
I did 10 years on the ammonia hose
and I regret nothing.
311
00:20:06,204 --> 00:20:10,801
I don't want to work the ammonia hose
or be a stupid freaking Hyundai salesman.
312
00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:14,070
Slow your roll, tiger.
Leave the Hyundai Corporation out of this.
313
00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:17,516
Stop telling me to slow my roll!
Chaz Jr. doesn't have to slow his roll!
314
00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:19,785
How come I'm the only one around here
who has to slow his roll?
315
00:20:19,884 --> 00:20:22,855
Listen, I understand we're all upset
about Chaz Jr.
316
00:20:22,971 --> 00:20:24,690
- Fuck Chaz Jr.
- Fuck Chaz Jr.?
317
00:20:24,807 --> 00:20:27,685
- Yeah. Fuck Chaz Jr.
- Nobody fucks Chaz Jr.!
318
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,028
Ned, don't go! Chaz!
319
00:20:30,145 --> 00:20:33,695
Don't point your finger at us!
Point it at your old friend, Dag!
320
00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:37,490
He's the one who threw that pitch!
He's the one who ruined our lives!
321
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:51,505
I just love your waterbed.
322
00:20:52,667 --> 00:20:54,170
It's the best.
323
00:20:55,837 --> 00:20:58,590
- You know, I'm surprised you're still around.
- What do you mean?
324
00:20:59,174 --> 00:21:01,894
I mean that stunt you pulled today
on the baseball field.
325
00:21:02,678 --> 00:21:07,023
We were all set to win State
and Chaz Jr. was going to get scouted.
326
00:21:07,849 --> 00:21:08,917
Yeah.
327
00:21:09,018 --> 00:21:11,019
What were you thinking?
328
00:21:11,854 --> 00:21:14,006
I don't know. I guess...
329
00:21:14,105 --> 00:21:16,403
I sort of... I wanted to...
330
00:21:18,527 --> 00:21:19,869
Like, impress you.
331
00:21:20,695 --> 00:21:22,448
- Really?
- Yeah.
332
00:21:23,699 --> 00:21:24,871
That's so sweet.
333
00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:30,548
- Why would you want to impress me?
- What?
334
00:21:31,915 --> 00:21:36,887
I said, why would you want to impress me?
335
00:21:40,215 --> 00:21:41,593
Lorelei,
336
00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:44,766
I think I might be in love with you.
337
00:21:49,432 --> 00:21:53,403
Dag, you are the weirdest,
funniest boy I know.
338
00:21:54,145 --> 00:21:55,897
I don't know what I would do without you.
339
00:22:02,238 --> 00:22:04,957
Sweetheart, you know I'm saving myself.
340
00:22:05,990 --> 00:22:07,663
Be right there.
341
00:22:08,243 --> 00:22:09,790
Are you leaving?
342
00:22:09,912 --> 00:22:12,586
Yeah, all this talking about sex
is making me really hungry. So...
343
00:22:12,957 --> 00:22:15,025
- Yeah. Me, too.
- I'm going to go to Burger King.
344
00:22:15,125 --> 00:22:16,234
Yeah, a Whopper sounds good.
345
00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:17,528
- Right?
- Yeah, let's do it.
346
00:22:17,627 --> 00:22:19,005
- I'll smell you later.
- Okay.
347
00:22:20,506 --> 00:22:21,678
Yeah?
348
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:42,365
Dag, your mother and I
don't want to encourage pot smoking.
349
00:22:42,486 --> 00:22:46,490
But we want you to know that
350
00:22:46,615 --> 00:22:49,288
we completely understand it.
351
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:51,895
- It's actually not my weed.
- Very good.
352
00:22:51,996 --> 00:22:53,963
- Okay. Well, Dag...
- We get it.
353
00:22:54,539 --> 00:22:58,568
That's what we're saying.
It's Lorelei's and if it wasn't
354
00:22:58,669 --> 00:23:00,613
well, whatever, whatever, whatever.
355
00:23:00,712 --> 00:23:03,182
Okay, thank you for being
so understanding,
356
00:23:03,298 --> 00:23:06,222
but in this case
you're not understanding correctly.
357
00:23:06,384 --> 00:23:10,705
Okay. Your mother and I understand
what you're saying.
358
00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:14,151
It's hard to express
how much we understand
359
00:23:14,309 --> 00:23:16,028
on a daily basis.
360
00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:21,467
Really. Like, even 15 minutes ago,
we totally understood.
361
00:23:21,567 --> 00:23:22,692
- We got it.
- Really?
362
00:23:22,817 --> 00:23:24,720
I didn't know
that you understood that much.
363
00:23:24,819 --> 00:23:26,663
- Twice a day, at least.
- Well, whatever.
364
00:23:26,821 --> 00:23:29,474
We're on an understanding plane.
365
00:23:29,575 --> 00:23:31,644
- Look at that. Look at that.
- It's like an ice skating rink.
366
00:23:31,743 --> 00:23:34,166
Look at this. I'm getting trails.
367
00:23:35,204 --> 00:23:38,733
Mom, is there anything else
you wanted to talk about?
368
00:23:38,834 --> 00:23:40,050
- No.
- No.
369
00:23:41,377 --> 00:23:44,426
We wanted to talk to you
about some of the changes
370
00:23:44,548 --> 00:23:47,221
that happen to your body as you get older.
371
00:23:47,343 --> 00:23:50,663
- Don't do that talk.
- The thing is, the men of the Parker clan...
372
00:23:50,762 --> 00:23:54,107
Well, we change relatively slowly.
373
00:23:54,266 --> 00:23:58,520
But, now don't be frightened,
when the change comes, it is...
374
00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:01,006
- Enormous.
- Enormous.
375
00:24:01,105 --> 00:24:02,465
No, no, no.
376
00:24:02,566 --> 00:24:05,301
A lot of girls will be frightened.
377
00:24:05,402 --> 00:24:09,013
In fact, it took me a while
to get used to it, but it's big.
378
00:24:09,114 --> 00:24:11,458
- It's a big change.
- And it's...
379
00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:13,576
Whoomp, there it is.
380
00:24:13,701 --> 00:24:15,855
No, no. I can't talk right now with you.
381
00:24:15,954 --> 00:24:19,299
I'm sorry. You know,
everything's in order. So...
382
00:24:19,415 --> 00:24:20,917
- That's fine.
- We just wanted to talk about it.
383
00:24:21,042 --> 00:24:24,092
- Later, alligator.
- Okay. Bye, Dad.
384
00:24:24,212 --> 00:24:26,323
We'll just leave you
to your marijuana, okay?
385
00:24:26,423 --> 00:24:28,550
I'm about to get so high.
386
00:24:29,550 --> 00:24:31,394
My little frowny clowny.
387
00:24:36,808 --> 00:24:37,835
I love you.
388
00:24:37,934 --> 00:24:39,403
- You are...
- All right.
389
00:24:57,413 --> 00:25:00,132
Gazpacho boy.
390
00:25:01,083 --> 00:25:02,335
Hey.
391
00:25:03,126 --> 00:25:04,503
You remember me.
392
00:25:04,670 --> 00:25:06,593
Sure. Lunch.
393
00:25:07,423 --> 00:25:10,096
Yeah. It was real cool of you
to help me out today. Thanks.
394
00:25:11,426 --> 00:25:13,930
- Is that your family over there?
- Yeah.
395
00:25:14,346 --> 00:25:18,442
Dad, Mom, some guy called Steve.
396
00:25:19,934 --> 00:25:21,857
It seems like you guys all get along.
397
00:25:22,438 --> 00:25:25,863
They're good. They share brains.
398
00:25:30,612 --> 00:25:33,286
Now, what's it like being a zombie?
399
00:25:34,991 --> 00:25:36,184
Do you get sad?
400
00:25:36,285 --> 00:25:38,788
Basically, I eat brains.
401
00:25:39,663 --> 00:25:42,441
- And it tastes yummy.
- That must be nice.
402
00:25:42,540 --> 00:25:44,794
Think fast, you zombie fuck!
403
00:25:51,133 --> 00:25:52,851
So, that didn't even bother you?
404
00:25:52,968 --> 00:25:55,642
- What?
- That asshole just hit you with a slushee.
405
00:25:56,387 --> 00:25:58,310
- He did?
- Yeah, he did.
406
00:25:59,849 --> 00:26:01,317
Did he?
407
00:26:03,561 --> 00:26:05,359
You don't feel anything, do you?
408
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:11,194
Okay, go ahead.
409
00:26:13,363 --> 00:26:14,830
Take a bite.
410
00:26:14,990 --> 00:26:18,210
What? Brains, not foot.
411
00:26:18,660 --> 00:26:20,561
Well, there's a brain in the foot.
412
00:26:20,662 --> 00:26:23,540
- Brain in foot?
- Yeah, I put them in there for you.
413
00:26:24,249 --> 00:26:25,842
Foot brain for me?
414
00:26:26,042 --> 00:26:29,172
Bite it before they...
I can feel them, they're going to leave.
415
00:26:29,421 --> 00:26:31,548
- Foot brain?
- Just bite the brain foot, okay?
416
00:26:31,673 --> 00:26:33,220
- Brain foot.
- Hurry!
417
00:27:56,258 --> 00:27:59,979
- Petra, is that you?
- Hey, Kathy, how are you?
418
00:28:00,596 --> 00:28:02,769
I actually don't need that magazine.
That's fine, thanks.
419
00:28:02,931 --> 00:28:04,103
I think I'm going to just leave.
420
00:28:07,144 --> 00:28:08,252
Sorry.
421
00:28:08,353 --> 00:28:11,507
I never pegged you for a vamp, Petra.
422
00:28:11,606 --> 00:28:12,950
I'm not.
423
00:28:42,679 --> 00:28:45,182
Hey, it's Milan. Leave a message.
424
00:28:54,398 --> 00:28:55,695
Come on!
425
00:29:13,585 --> 00:29:15,178
What the...
426
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:47,853
All right. Everybody,
if you give me a couple of seconds
427
00:29:47,952 --> 00:29:50,189
I will explain everything I know.
428
00:29:50,288 --> 00:29:53,759
- Who put you in charge?
- I'm sorry. Do you own a riblet plant?
429
00:29:54,710 --> 00:29:56,153
No. No.
430
00:29:56,252 --> 00:30:00,723
Is that your sexy Porsche Boxster
parked outside? No.
431
00:30:00,882 --> 00:30:02,724
Sit down and shut the fuck up.
432
00:30:05,886 --> 00:30:07,705
All we know so far
433
00:30:07,806 --> 00:30:11,105
is that the spacecraft arrived
around 8:00 p.m. on Thursday.
434
00:30:11,226 --> 00:30:12,272
What do they want?
435
00:30:12,394 --> 00:30:14,546
We don't know
because we haven't made contact yet.
436
00:30:14,645 --> 00:30:16,443
So why did they come?
437
00:30:16,565 --> 00:30:18,909
That's just a rephrasing of the question
you just asked.
438
00:30:19,233 --> 00:30:20,576
How...
439
00:30:22,237 --> 00:30:23,409
When...
440
00:30:24,155 --> 00:30:28,501
Okay, am I just high
or is everyone here suddenly retarded?
441
00:30:29,577 --> 00:30:30,954
Can't it be both?
442
00:30:32,622 --> 00:30:35,483
- I'm going to go smoke up in your car.
- Anybody else?
443
00:30:35,584 --> 00:30:36,734
- Really?
- Yeah.
444
00:30:36,835 --> 00:30:38,319
I have a goddamn question.
445
00:30:38,420 --> 00:30:42,596
If the vampires haven't made contact,
why aren't there any here?
446
00:30:42,965 --> 00:30:44,137
Yeah!
447
00:30:46,635 --> 00:30:50,999
But seriously, does anyone in this room
doubt the possibility
448
00:30:51,098 --> 00:30:54,419
that the humans brought the aliens here
to eliminate us?
449
00:30:54,519 --> 00:30:57,005
- No!
- Nobody doubts that, right?
450
00:30:57,105 --> 00:30:59,173
They've been wanting to get rid of us
for years.
451
00:30:59,273 --> 00:31:01,425
- Yeah!
- And now they found a way.
452
00:31:01,526 --> 00:31:05,096
How many of you out there
have had your wife or your girlfriend
453
00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:08,599
cheat on you with one of these
cold-blooded ecstasy machines?
454
00:31:08,700 --> 00:31:11,169
Raise your hand. Don't be ashamed.
Raise your hand.
455
00:31:11,619 --> 00:31:14,064
Okay, I see about 50 liars out there.
456
00:31:14,163 --> 00:31:17,442
They write books about us.
They make movies about us.
457
00:31:17,541 --> 00:31:21,217
They dress up like us at Halloween.
They're all wampires.
458
00:31:21,337 --> 00:31:24,031
- Just vampire wannabes.
- Yeah!
459
00:31:24,132 --> 00:31:25,741
They could do without this planet,
God damn it.
460
00:31:25,842 --> 00:31:28,869
They don't need to breathe the air
or drink the water.
461
00:31:28,970 --> 00:31:31,143
We're the ones
that need to defend this planet!
462
00:31:31,722 --> 00:31:34,542
I read that they
are putting garlic in our blood
463
00:31:34,643 --> 00:31:36,920
and you doubt
that they're working with the aliens?
464
00:31:37,019 --> 00:31:40,990
We're going to go and make
a preemptive strike right now!
465
00:31:42,025 --> 00:31:44,824
- Are you with me? Are you with me?
- Yeah!
466
00:31:45,028 --> 00:31:48,031
We need to preempt their preemptive strike
467
00:31:48,155 --> 00:31:50,157
with a preemptive preemptive strike.
468
00:31:52,868 --> 00:31:54,836
I thought this meeting
was supposed to be about the aliens.
469
00:31:55,163 --> 00:31:57,711
Aren't you listening, you idiot?
It's all about the aliens.
470
00:31:59,334 --> 00:32:01,757
Yeah! Yeah!
471
00:32:20,230 --> 00:32:22,231
Why isn't he saying anything?
472
00:32:24,276 --> 00:32:26,074
About what?
473
00:32:27,445 --> 00:32:29,198
About the aliens.
474
00:32:33,701 --> 00:32:36,705
Hey. Hey, excuse me.
475
00:32:38,707 --> 00:32:40,800
Did you call this meeting for a reason?
476
00:32:41,710 --> 00:32:45,305
Brain rations no come today.
477
00:32:50,384 --> 00:32:55,811
Do you think that maybe
it had something to do with the aliens?
478
00:32:57,224 --> 00:32:58,477
Aliens?
479
00:32:58,809 --> 00:33:03,048
Guys, brain rations didn't come
480
00:33:03,147 --> 00:33:04,900
because nobody gives a shit about you.
481
00:33:07,234 --> 00:33:08,636
Yeah. Yeah.
482
00:33:08,737 --> 00:33:10,990
Aren't you tired of being dismissed?
483
00:33:11,448 --> 00:33:15,999
Just dismissed. Aren't you tired
of being treated like nothing?
484
00:33:17,787 --> 00:33:21,461
Yeah? Well, why don't we
do something about it, huh?
485
00:33:21,750 --> 00:33:22,875
Yeah!
486
00:33:29,423 --> 00:33:30,925
Unbelievable.
487
00:33:31,926 --> 00:33:33,679
No wonder you guys are locked up.
488
00:33:52,655 --> 00:33:54,784
Bloodsucking traitors!
489
00:34:14,135 --> 00:34:18,356
God, I fucking hate you!
You're the worst teacher!
490
00:34:22,518 --> 00:34:24,021
Fuck yes!
491
00:34:25,688 --> 00:34:27,532
What are you doing?
492
00:34:34,072 --> 00:34:36,541
- What's cracking?
- Only the end of the freaking world.
493
00:34:36,699 --> 00:34:38,043
That's cool.
494
00:34:38,159 --> 00:34:40,978
I'm not kidding.
The entire town is murdering each other.
495
00:34:41,079 --> 00:34:44,231
In that case,
I guess there's just one thing to do.
496
00:34:44,331 --> 00:34:45,503
God...
497
00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:48,503
Damn, that's a close shave.
498
00:34:48,836 --> 00:34:51,260
I mean, I wouldn't want you
to die a virgin.
499
00:34:51,880 --> 00:34:53,177
Sex.
500
00:34:54,509 --> 00:34:57,012
We'll go to my house to have sex.
Let's go.
501
00:35:00,389 --> 00:35:01,858
Milan, hey.
502
00:35:03,059 --> 00:35:05,402
- Just give us a second, babe.
- Okay. We'll be by the car.
503
00:35:05,603 --> 00:35:06,795
What? Hey!
504
00:35:06,896 --> 00:35:09,900
I think there's something wrong with
your phone. I've been trying you all night.
505
00:35:10,025 --> 00:35:11,967
- Yeah, Petra, look...
- How messed up is this alien thing?
506
00:35:12,068 --> 00:35:14,036
I'm like, freaking out.
507
00:35:14,695 --> 00:35:16,697
The truth is, Petra,
I'm just not that into you.
508
00:35:17,949 --> 00:35:19,246
You're just not that into me?
509
00:35:19,951 --> 00:35:24,206
My soul is undead for all of eternity
and you're not that fucking into me?
510
00:35:25,081 --> 00:35:27,300
Chill. Or I'll rip your face off.
511
00:35:30,878 --> 00:35:33,052
Just tell me why.
512
00:35:35,550 --> 00:35:37,722
Why did you sleep
with Lorelei but bite me?
513
00:35:38,552 --> 00:35:42,307
Lorelei's a nasty freak
with the body of a porn star.
514
00:35:43,474 --> 00:35:45,443
I'm having sex with that.
515
00:35:45,559 --> 00:35:48,403
But you said I was beautiful. Right?
516
00:35:49,105 --> 00:35:51,277
When I see veins like that,
I say a lot of things.
517
00:35:52,900 --> 00:35:54,447
It's that pale skin, P.
518
00:35:55,570 --> 00:35:57,163
You're like a walking pop machine.
519
00:36:02,494 --> 00:36:03,916
Come on.
520
00:36:11,670 --> 00:36:14,297
See, baby? Being a vampire ain't all bad.
521
00:36:16,800 --> 00:36:18,347
You're such a dick.
522
00:36:22,806 --> 00:36:24,273
For fuck's sake!
523
00:36:28,436 --> 00:36:29,858
No way!
524
00:36:32,940 --> 00:36:36,490
So, are we going to do this? Or what?
525
00:36:37,027 --> 00:36:38,199
What?
526
00:36:39,447 --> 00:36:40,789
Dear God.
527
00:36:42,951 --> 00:36:44,327
Okay. Okay.
528
00:36:45,286 --> 00:36:47,458
Yeah. We've got to be quick.
529
00:36:48,123 --> 00:36:49,625
That's probably not going to be an issue.
530
00:37:00,467 --> 00:37:01,639
Lorelei, don't go!
531
00:37:06,807 --> 00:37:10,983
- Lorelei, come on! Come on.
- Jeez, man, where's the fire?
532
00:37:12,813 --> 00:37:14,487
Holy shit!
533
00:37:15,733 --> 00:37:17,077
No! Lorelei!
534
00:37:26,536 --> 00:37:27,833
Bring it, bloodsuckers!
535
00:37:28,371 --> 00:37:29,748
Fuck you!
536
00:37:30,164 --> 00:37:31,541
Fuck you, too!
537
00:37:45,847 --> 00:37:49,568
Holy fuck, Mr. Mosely. That was awesome.
538
00:37:49,684 --> 00:37:52,688
Awesome? Hell, I've been training for this
since you were in Huggies.
539
00:37:53,061 --> 00:37:56,532
Bowflex, Soloflex, coed capoeira.
540
00:37:57,025 --> 00:37:58,367
It's all paying off.
541
00:37:58,525 --> 00:38:00,699
Now, come with me if you want to live.
542
00:38:03,447 --> 00:38:04,699
Oh, God!
543
00:38:05,199 --> 00:38:07,101
No! Please! Oh, God!
544
00:38:07,202 --> 00:38:08,795
- The zombies are eating me!
- Stop!
545
00:38:08,911 --> 00:38:11,210
- The zombies are eating me!
- No, stop eating him!
546
00:38:11,706 --> 00:38:14,550
I'm a zombie all-you-can-eat buffet.
547
00:38:14,708 --> 00:38:15,777
Oh, God!
548
00:38:15,876 --> 00:38:18,550
- God, I'm going to be sick.
- Why won't I pass out?
549
00:38:19,547 --> 00:38:21,641
God, please let me die.
550
00:38:22,634 --> 00:38:27,059
He just put some intestines back
and took different intestines!
551
00:38:27,262 --> 00:38:29,164
What the fuck does it matter?
552
00:38:29,264 --> 00:38:31,563
- Why are we still watching?
- I don't know.
553
00:38:33,268 --> 00:38:35,112
They ripped off my arm!
554
00:38:35,230 --> 00:38:37,402
That was my bowling arm.
555
00:38:37,565 --> 00:38:40,114
They're eating my bowling arm.
556
00:38:41,235 --> 00:38:42,612
I'm dying.
557
00:38:44,112 --> 00:38:45,614
This is it.
558
00:38:45,739 --> 00:38:47,833
Humans over there! Let's get them!
559
00:38:48,409 --> 00:38:49,581
Run.
560
00:38:50,161 --> 00:38:51,753
What the fuck?
561
00:38:52,121 --> 00:38:54,088
I came back to fucking life!
562
00:38:56,125 --> 00:38:58,753
"...porn star, but you're really
all pale and veiny."
563
00:38:59,420 --> 00:39:01,137
Fucking pale and veiny.
564
00:39:02,465 --> 00:39:04,592
You fucking prick.
You stupid slut, Lorelei.
565
00:39:06,469 --> 00:39:07,971
Motherfucker.
566
00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:26,827
Holy shit!
567
00:39:39,626 --> 00:39:41,780
- Good boy. That's a good boy.
- Shut the fuck up. That's a good boy.
568
00:39:41,880 --> 00:39:43,177
Quiet.
569
00:39:48,677 --> 00:39:49,974
Brains.
570
00:39:54,976 --> 00:39:56,898
Brains!
571
00:39:58,478 --> 00:39:59,822
No! No!
572
00:40:29,010 --> 00:40:31,512
Dag, help me!
573
00:40:45,860 --> 00:40:47,032
No!
574
00:41:05,253 --> 00:41:06,927
No!
575
00:41:52,092 --> 00:41:54,094
Brains!
576
00:41:56,097 --> 00:41:57,940
- Bring it, fuckers.
- Really?
577
00:41:58,181 --> 00:42:00,480
"Bring it, fuckers."
That's the line you're going with?
578
00:42:01,184 --> 00:42:02,527
Shut up!
579
00:42:29,672 --> 00:42:30,864
Holy...
580
00:42:30,965 --> 00:42:32,467
fucking...
581
00:42:33,550 --> 00:42:35,018
brains.
582
00:42:39,724 --> 00:42:41,317
I'm getting the hell out of here.
583
00:42:45,313 --> 00:42:46,797
Mrs. Miller! Are you in there?
584
00:42:46,898 --> 00:42:48,992
- How did you know this was here?
- This is my piano teacher.
585
00:42:51,318 --> 00:42:53,637
Mrs. Miller, please open up!
They're coming!
586
00:42:53,737 --> 00:42:55,889
Hey, this is Stuart Miller, her son!
587
00:42:55,989 --> 00:42:59,494
And I know they're coming! I've been
predicting a vampire attack for 10 years!
588
00:42:59,659 --> 00:43:02,730
Stuart, it's Dag. It's not the vampires.
589
00:43:02,829 --> 00:43:06,050
It is the aliens.
Open up the goddamn door, Stuart.
590
00:43:06,250 --> 00:43:07,717
It's aliens?
591
00:43:08,543 --> 00:43:12,219
Okay, listen. Has anyone tried
singing to them or playing a song
592
00:43:12,380 --> 00:43:13,992
and then maybe they play a song back?
593
00:43:14,092 --> 00:43:16,561
They don't seem open
to any kind of music or anything like that.
594
00:43:16,677 --> 00:43:20,398
Has anyone stayed around long enough
to see a bowel movement?
595
00:43:20,514 --> 00:43:24,668
Maybe we get processed through their body
and then they crap us out as higher beings.
596
00:43:24,768 --> 00:43:28,840
It would be disgusting to us, but for them,
that could just be a cultural norm.
597
00:43:28,940 --> 00:43:31,034
Open up the goddamn door, Stuart!
598
00:43:31,358 --> 00:43:33,802
Wait a minute.
How do I know that you're Dag
599
00:43:33,902 --> 00:43:36,873
and not an alien wearing Dag's skin
as some kind of meat suit?
600
00:43:37,697 --> 00:43:42,123
My mom's name is Peg. I have dark hair.
I really like miso soup.
601
00:43:42,244 --> 00:43:44,813
"Meep, map, morp, I'm an alien."
That's what I'm hearing right now.
602
00:43:44,914 --> 00:43:46,916
- I'm speaking English.
- Listen, hey! Pop quiz.
603
00:43:47,041 --> 00:43:48,418
What was the memorable thing that happened
604
00:43:48,543 --> 00:43:51,695
during your sixth grade piano recital
when you were halfway through
605
00:43:51,795 --> 00:43:53,697
Erik Satie's Gymnopédies No. 3?
606
00:43:53,797 --> 00:43:56,972
All right, I shit my pants! And you said
you had never seen a boy shit so much!
607
00:43:58,719 --> 00:44:00,221
The Dillford Shitter. It's him.
608
00:44:02,222 --> 00:44:05,168
- Come on, come on. Let's go.
- Thank you for believing me.
609
00:44:05,268 --> 00:44:06,668
- Come here. Come on, come on.
- It's great to see you.
610
00:44:06,768 --> 00:44:07,769
Okay. Dude.
611
00:44:08,896 --> 00:44:11,048
- No, no! It's good. It's all good.
- I'm Petra.
612
00:44:11,148 --> 00:44:15,219
No. If I'm going to have a succubus
and a shambler in my command bunker
613
00:44:15,318 --> 00:44:18,242
we're going to set a couple
of ground rules, okay? I'm alpha dog.
614
00:44:18,739 --> 00:44:23,226
Nana is alpha female. You're number three,
then the girl, then the retard.
615
00:44:23,327 --> 00:44:24,394
Great. Good order.
616
00:44:24,494 --> 00:44:27,315
Okay. I feel very uncomfortable
saying this,
617
00:44:27,414 --> 00:44:31,510
but we may have to breed.
618
00:44:34,588 --> 00:44:35,635
Is he looking at me?
619
00:44:35,755 --> 00:44:37,974
- Son, did you lock the trapdoor?
- On it, sir.
620
00:44:38,092 --> 00:44:39,934
Let's go! Assholes and elbows!
621
00:44:41,094 --> 00:44:42,813
Code Blue, Nana. Code Blue, Nana.
622
00:44:49,478 --> 00:44:53,858
Hey, Mrs. Miller, after all this is done,
I'd love to start taking lessons again.
623
00:44:54,025 --> 00:44:56,277
What the shit? What? No, no, no.
624
00:44:57,862 --> 00:45:00,536
- Sorry.
- "Sorry"? You ate the Millers.
625
00:45:00,822 --> 00:45:03,793
Yeah, I know. They were just standing there.
We were like, "Should we?"
626
00:45:05,286 --> 00:45:06,853
Dag, don't be ridiculous.
627
00:45:06,954 --> 00:45:09,331
I'm not being ridiculous.
You're being ridiculous.
628
00:45:09,456 --> 00:45:10,800
You killed my piano teacher.
629
00:45:12,668 --> 00:45:15,278
That was then.
This is two minutes from then.
630
00:45:15,378 --> 00:45:17,197
You killed Lorelei, too.
631
00:45:17,297 --> 00:45:19,742
Well, guess what?
We're all you've got now.
632
00:45:19,842 --> 00:45:23,246
It's just you and me and him.
If one of us dies, we all die.
633
00:45:23,346 --> 00:45:27,317
- He's still eating my piano teacher.
- Shit. Ned, drop it.
634
00:45:27,682 --> 00:45:28,980
Drop it.
635
00:45:36,233 --> 00:45:37,827
This is so fucked.
636
00:45:56,753 --> 00:45:57,846
Jesus.
637
00:45:58,755 --> 00:46:00,099
What do you think they're doing up there?
638
00:46:03,594 --> 00:46:04,891
That's okay, I can talk.
639
00:46:06,054 --> 00:46:08,182
Do you remember the last time
we were in a basement together?
640
00:46:11,268 --> 00:46:14,898
It was sixth grade. Greg Sheffler's party.
Remember?
641
00:46:15,438 --> 00:46:19,177
We played seven minutes in heaven.
You told everyone you touched my boobs.
642
00:46:19,277 --> 00:46:22,972
I don't think that that happened, per se.
643
00:46:23,072 --> 00:46:24,639
I probably did touch them.
644
00:46:24,739 --> 00:46:27,601
No, you didn't! You just walked around
calling yourself "The Titty Whisperer."
645
00:46:27,702 --> 00:46:29,853
- I don't call boobs titties.
- Of course.
646
00:46:29,954 --> 00:46:31,688
So where did they get it into their minds
647
00:46:31,789 --> 00:46:34,275
that you had whispered to any boobs
or any titties?
648
00:46:34,375 --> 00:46:38,987
Because we had to whisper downstairs and
everybody assumed there would be titties
649
00:46:39,088 --> 00:46:42,934
because you are the girl and I'm the guy
and usually the girl takes her titties out
650
00:46:43,050 --> 00:46:45,268
and the guy usually touches them.
That's how it goes.
651
00:46:45,385 --> 00:46:46,704
Do you want to know
what everybody called me?
652
00:46:46,804 --> 00:46:48,396
- What?
- They called me a slut.
653
00:46:48,806 --> 00:46:52,293
Do you remember that? Hello?
Do you remember that or not?
654
00:46:52,393 --> 00:46:53,440
Petra, I'm sorry.
655
00:46:54,311 --> 00:46:57,485
It was sixth grade, I didn't know
what I was doing, and I'm sorry.
656
00:47:00,608 --> 00:47:01,985
It's fine.
657
00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:07,617
I probably didn't have any titties
to whisper to anyway.
658
00:47:08,742 --> 00:47:10,119
Nobody did.
659
00:47:15,081 --> 00:47:17,175
It was dark in that laundry room,
but I remember something.
660
00:47:20,920 --> 00:47:22,264
So, who are you these days?
661
00:47:22,840 --> 00:47:25,467
I don't know. How do you even answer
a question like that?
662
00:47:26,260 --> 00:47:27,978
- Are you a jock?
- Hardly.
663
00:47:28,346 --> 00:47:31,646
All I know about you
is that you grew six inches one month.
664
00:47:32,349 --> 00:47:34,318
Yeah, that hurt my knees.
665
00:47:36,019 --> 00:47:39,114
- Are you a stoner?
- Not really. That was Lorelei's thing.
666
00:47:39,273 --> 00:47:42,492
Right. Because it must have been
so tough for her to get through the day
667
00:47:42,610 --> 00:47:45,534
with her mermaid hair and her gumdrop ass.
668
00:47:45,653 --> 00:47:49,659
Lay off her. You killed her.
Isn't that enough?
669
00:47:49,784 --> 00:47:53,288
- You really cared about Lorelei?
- Yeah, I did, actually.
670
00:47:54,496 --> 00:47:57,733
- So, why did you hesitate?
- Hesitate?
671
00:47:57,833 --> 00:47:59,943
On the stairs.
When I grabbed her, you hesitated.
672
00:48:00,043 --> 00:48:04,072
I didn't hesitate. You're thinking about the
moment when I have to process the whole...
673
00:48:04,172 --> 00:48:06,742
Look. All I'm saying is that
when you really care about somebody
674
00:48:06,842 --> 00:48:08,702
you don't hesitate or process.
675
00:48:08,802 --> 00:48:09,911
You just jump right in.
676
00:48:10,012 --> 00:48:11,121
Just jump right in?
677
00:48:11,222 --> 00:48:13,849
I guess that's how you made
the genius decision to become a vampire.
678
00:48:15,976 --> 00:48:18,478
- I don't want to talk about that.
- You don't want to talk about that?
679
00:48:18,646 --> 00:48:21,590
I guess we were having a pretty good
conversation, we were really getting it going
680
00:48:21,690 --> 00:48:24,034
and then you just don't want
to talk about it? Okay.
681
00:48:24,150 --> 00:48:26,994
All right. Well, then I'm just going
to talk to the Millers then.
682
00:48:27,487 --> 00:48:28,597
Are you guys doing okay?
683
00:48:28,697 --> 00:48:31,871
Can I get you, maybe,
a milkshake or a bowl of cereal?
684
00:48:50,927 --> 00:48:52,099
Are you seeing this?
685
00:48:54,389 --> 00:48:56,188
- You're the worst.
- What?
686
00:49:01,438 --> 00:49:02,565
No!
687
00:49:02,690 --> 00:49:05,300
- I love this song.
- I hate this song. Please.
688
00:49:05,400 --> 00:49:07,744
- You hate this song? Who hates this song?
- Turn this off.
689
00:49:07,862 --> 00:49:09,179
Look. Even Ned loves this song.
690
00:49:09,280 --> 00:49:12,474
No. This song makes me think of my
parents when they go into their bedroom
691
00:49:12,574 --> 00:49:14,684
to smoke weed and probably have sex.
692
00:49:14,784 --> 00:49:17,755
Your parents smoke weed?
That's really cool.
693
00:49:17,871 --> 00:49:20,983
It's not cool. You probably only think
it's cool because your parents don't.
694
00:49:21,083 --> 00:49:24,427
Yeah, but my parents
are dead, so they can't.
695
00:49:25,713 --> 00:49:28,262
Don't sweat it.
It happened a million years ago.
696
00:49:30,092 --> 00:49:31,389
Parents.
697
00:49:31,552 --> 00:49:33,896
- Did he just say "Parents"?
- It's the brains.
698
00:49:34,722 --> 00:49:36,065
If he doesn't eat them, he gets smarter.
699
00:49:37,224 --> 00:49:38,817
I took Bio of the Undead last year.
700
00:49:39,726 --> 00:49:41,570
- Stupid parents.
- No, no.
701
00:49:42,646 --> 00:49:44,898
His parents are kind of a sore subject.
702
00:49:46,483 --> 00:49:47,905
I didn't know you guys were friends.
703
00:49:49,945 --> 00:49:51,447
I get it.
704
00:49:52,405 --> 00:49:55,751
Like you used to be friends, right?
What happened?
705
00:49:57,994 --> 00:49:59,918
We just drifted apart.
706
00:50:01,956 --> 00:50:03,425
You got cool and decided to ditch him.
707
00:50:05,293 --> 00:50:07,592
That's not what happened.
I wouldn't do that.
708
00:50:07,755 --> 00:50:10,007
Well, at least you lucked out
in the parents department.
709
00:50:10,132 --> 00:50:13,101
I didn't luck out. My parents are insane.
710
00:50:13,594 --> 00:50:17,268
They're like perfect parents.
My dad's a child psychologist.
711
00:50:17,597 --> 00:50:21,353
My mom's just a parent,
doesn't do anything but care about her son.
712
00:50:22,186 --> 00:50:25,172
They do guitar duets and they want me
to sing along to them.
713
00:50:25,271 --> 00:50:27,590
We make our own ice cream every Sunday.
714
00:50:27,690 --> 00:50:29,760
- We have to have family yoga on Saturdays.
- Pure hell.
715
00:50:29,860 --> 00:50:31,052
- A lot of families do that.
- Yeah.
716
00:50:31,152 --> 00:50:32,324
That's super normal.
717
00:50:32,987 --> 00:50:34,222
Boo-hoo.
718
00:50:34,322 --> 00:50:35,619
Boo-hoo.
719
00:50:36,659 --> 00:50:40,603
- It's a joke?
- No. You were just listing beautiful things.
720
00:50:40,704 --> 00:50:43,378
You know something?
My parents are probably dead now, too.
721
00:50:51,715 --> 00:50:52,782
I'm sorry.
722
00:50:52,882 --> 00:50:56,182
No, I'm sorry.
I'm losing my mind in here a little bit.
723
00:50:56,302 --> 00:50:58,351
- I've been in here way too long.
- I know.
724
00:50:58,472 --> 00:51:01,583
Can I ask you a personal question?
How long can you go without blood?
725
00:51:01,684 --> 00:51:06,255
I have no idea. But hey, while we're
being honest with each other,
726
00:51:06,355 --> 00:51:09,574
I should probably tell you, I keep
wondering why it is I don't just drink you.
727
00:51:09,692 --> 00:51:12,490
- Because I'll spear you in the tits.
- Yeah? He'll eat your brains.
728
00:51:12,652 --> 00:51:14,530
- Brains?
- Chill out! No.
729
00:51:15,072 --> 00:51:19,077
All right, look, we gotta go to my parents'
house and I want to see if they're alive.
730
00:51:19,742 --> 00:51:21,666
I can't go anywhere until I eat.
731
00:51:22,161 --> 00:51:24,231
Then we'll go to the high school.
It's on the way.
732
00:51:24,331 --> 00:51:26,983
We'll get food and we'll get blood there.
And then we'll go to my house.
733
00:51:27,083 --> 00:51:30,759
Okay, fine, great. So we do that
and your parents are alive. Then what?
734
00:51:31,588 --> 00:51:33,762
There's still an alien
apocalypse going on.
735
00:51:36,510 --> 00:51:40,231
Ned. Look, if we starve him of brains,
he'll get smarter.
736
00:51:40,347 --> 00:51:42,500
So we stay alive long enough
for him to figure out
737
00:51:42,599 --> 00:51:45,585
how to get rid of these aliens
and save everybody's lives.
738
00:51:45,686 --> 00:51:47,253
That's a plan, right?
739
00:51:47,353 --> 00:51:50,699
I mean, it's... It's plan-ish.
740
00:51:57,697 --> 00:52:00,416
- What do you see?
- Nothing. I think we're clear.
741
00:52:04,913 --> 00:52:07,085
- What did you see?
- It's one of them. It's one of them.
742
00:52:07,206 --> 00:52:09,083
- Okay, did he see you?
- Yeah. No.
743
00:52:11,295 --> 00:52:12,547
Back door! Go, go!
744
00:52:13,422 --> 00:52:16,425
- No. Fuck, it's locked!
- Just use your vampire strength.
745
00:52:16,884 --> 00:52:18,978
Are you 12? There's no "vampire strength."
746
00:52:20,887 --> 00:52:22,639
Okay. Go! Ned, come on!
747
00:52:24,432 --> 00:52:25,605
Okay.
748
00:52:25,726 --> 00:52:28,070
- What?
- Shit. I'm a vampire.
749
00:52:29,896 --> 00:52:32,490
- Oh, my God!
- It's okay. It's okay.
750
00:52:36,152 --> 00:52:37,574
Cover your head. Cover up!
751
00:52:39,447 --> 00:52:42,246
Aliens.
752
00:52:42,742 --> 00:52:44,619
Aliens.
753
00:52:44,744 --> 00:52:47,668
Okay. Okay. I'm okay.
754
00:52:48,916 --> 00:52:51,135
Okay. Don't you wear underwear?
755
00:52:51,335 --> 00:52:54,838
- Shut up. It bunches.
- Aliens!
756
00:52:55,463 --> 00:52:57,574
Whatever happens, we meet back
at the high school, okay?
757
00:52:57,675 --> 00:52:58,972
Okay. Ned!
758
00:53:18,987 --> 00:53:20,204
Dag?
759
00:53:21,782 --> 00:53:22,954
Dag?
760
00:53:23,282 --> 00:53:25,001
Shit, he should have been here by now.
761
00:53:26,704 --> 00:53:28,206
Are you okay?
762
00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:31,378
I think I might be having withdrawals.
763
00:53:32,041 --> 00:53:33,965
- Withdrawals from brains?
- Yeah.
764
00:53:34,460 --> 00:53:35,713
That's messed up.
765
00:53:40,342 --> 00:53:42,309
- Help! Open it!
- Shit.
766
00:53:43,219 --> 00:53:46,018
Damn it. You scared the shit out of us.
767
00:53:46,849 --> 00:53:49,068
It's nice to see you, too.
768
00:53:49,226 --> 00:53:51,648
Can I have my clothes back
before an alien spikes my asshole?
769
00:53:51,811 --> 00:53:53,155
Yeah.
770
00:53:55,606 --> 00:53:57,217
I wish I would have had this earlier.
771
00:53:57,317 --> 00:54:01,697
So, what happened?
I thought maybe the aliens got you.
772
00:54:01,822 --> 00:54:04,496
No, it was weird. They were all around me
773
00:54:04,657 --> 00:54:07,911
but they just kept passing me by
like they couldn't see me.
774
00:54:18,045 --> 00:54:22,050
They couldn't see you
because you were naked, dumbass.
775
00:54:22,425 --> 00:54:23,597
What?
776
00:54:29,391 --> 00:54:32,690
It's highly likely their vision
can only detect inorganic matter.
777
00:54:34,188 --> 00:54:35,610
That's my theory, anyway.
778
00:54:36,356 --> 00:54:38,028
- Ned.
- We need to eat.
779
00:54:40,902 --> 00:54:42,530
I've got to get me some brains.
780
00:54:43,697 --> 00:54:45,099
Now, what happened to you, Ned?
781
00:54:45,199 --> 00:54:47,873
I mean, how does the smartest kid
in school get bitten by a zombie?
782
00:54:49,036 --> 00:54:51,208
It's pretty easy, actually.
783
00:54:51,914 --> 00:54:53,291
You got bitten on purpose?
784
00:54:56,876 --> 00:54:58,695
Why would you do that?
785
00:54:58,795 --> 00:55:01,423
You know, I used to worry
about everything, you know?
786
00:55:01,882 --> 00:55:04,135
Getting straight A's, my dad.
787
00:55:05,427 --> 00:55:07,394
Now I just slow my roll, you know?
788
00:55:07,637 --> 00:55:10,811
You just threw it all away to space out?
That's weak.
789
00:55:11,557 --> 00:55:13,001
It's funny.
790
00:55:13,101 --> 00:55:17,672
We haven't talked in years.
Suddenly he gives a shit that I'm a zombie.
791
00:55:17,773 --> 00:55:20,175
What was I supposed to do,
spend all of high school with you
792
00:55:20,275 --> 00:55:22,949
playing Minecraft
and hacking the school's servers?
793
00:55:23,070 --> 00:55:25,289
As I recall, you thought hacking
was pretty cool!
794
00:55:25,405 --> 00:55:27,891
Yeah, Minecraft
and freaking DoS attacks were cool!
795
00:55:27,990 --> 00:55:29,559
- Yeah, so cool.
- In seventh grade.
796
00:55:29,659 --> 00:55:30,853
"We're hackers, Ned."
797
00:55:30,952 --> 00:55:34,753
But I'm not going to spend all of high school
getting my ass kicked in Loserville! All right?
798
00:55:35,748 --> 00:55:37,592
Where are you going?
799
00:55:38,335 --> 00:55:40,757
- Come on, don't be an asshole.
- You're an asshole!
800
00:55:42,505 --> 00:55:44,507
- I'm an asshole?
- Yeah.
801
00:55:49,096 --> 00:55:50,347
Asshole.
802
00:55:51,431 --> 00:55:52,648
What...
803
00:55:55,143 --> 00:55:56,268
Dag?
804
00:55:58,355 --> 00:55:59,856
Dag, are you in here?
805
00:56:02,358 --> 00:56:03,610
Hello?
806
00:56:05,320 --> 00:56:06,445
Hey.
807
00:56:07,614 --> 00:56:09,036
What are you doing in the old boiler?
808
00:56:10,284 --> 00:56:11,536
Nothing.
809
00:56:12,661 --> 00:56:13,833
Okay.
810
00:56:16,456 --> 00:56:17,798
No, wait.
811
00:56:19,208 --> 00:56:21,302
Great. Now we're both stuck in here.
812
00:56:22,128 --> 00:56:23,300
Cool.
813
00:56:25,507 --> 00:56:27,635
- Is this funny to you?
- Yeah, a little.
814
00:56:29,552 --> 00:56:32,079
I was coming in here to thank you,
815
00:56:32,179 --> 00:56:36,025
you know, for saving my life
back at the Millers'.
816
00:56:38,311 --> 00:56:39,655
Well, you're welcome.
817
00:56:43,317 --> 00:56:44,534
And...
818
00:56:45,818 --> 00:56:49,039
I'm sorry for killing Lorelei.
819
00:56:52,199 --> 00:56:55,436
Thank you. I mean,
what am I supposed to say to that?
820
00:56:55,536 --> 00:56:57,898
I don't know, Dag.
I'm trying my best here, okay?
821
00:56:57,998 --> 00:56:59,065
Okay.
822
00:56:59,166 --> 00:57:04,278
Hey, maybe you could admit that
Lorelei was sort of a raging bitch.
823
00:57:04,378 --> 00:57:07,552
Yeah, I mean, she was a little bit
of a bitch, but I really liked her.
824
00:57:08,675 --> 00:57:09,891
I did.
825
00:57:10,344 --> 00:57:11,516
Fuck.
826
00:57:14,181 --> 00:57:15,958
You know, while you were busy
really liking her,
827
00:57:16,057 --> 00:57:17,934
she was busy really fucking my boyfriend.
828
00:57:21,063 --> 00:57:22,235
But she was a virgin.
829
00:57:25,943 --> 00:57:27,411
Yeah, that's perfect.
830
00:57:29,528 --> 00:57:32,349
So, Lorelei screws Milan
and ends up the coveted virgin,
831
00:57:32,449 --> 00:57:35,309
but I get bitten and I'm a slut for life.
832
00:57:35,409 --> 00:57:38,038
That's not what I meant. I'm sorry.
833
00:57:38,789 --> 00:57:42,358
That's why I bit her, okay?
I saw her and I just snapped.
834
00:57:42,458 --> 00:57:45,429
I know I shouldn't have done it,
but I did and I'm sorry.
835
00:57:45,545 --> 00:57:46,922
Okay, okay.
836
00:57:48,715 --> 00:57:52,891
I can't believe
that I'm that girl for eternity.
837
00:57:53,637 --> 00:57:55,059
No, no, no. You're not.
838
00:57:59,226 --> 00:58:00,648
You're not.
839
00:58:00,768 --> 00:58:01,985
I am.
840
00:58:09,110 --> 00:58:10,737
It's dark in here.
841
00:58:11,320 --> 00:58:15,166
It reminds me of
Greg Sheffler's laundry room.
842
00:58:17,952 --> 00:58:19,125
So,
843
00:58:20,496 --> 00:58:22,465
the only question is,
are you going to chicken out?
844
00:58:35,637 --> 00:58:37,934
- Okay.
- It will be all right.
845
00:58:40,641 --> 00:58:42,110
- Wait, wait.
- What?
846
00:58:42,811 --> 00:58:43,858
I've never done this before.
847
00:58:44,103 --> 00:58:46,983
You mean the Titty Whisperer's a virgin?
848
00:58:47,273 --> 00:58:48,275
So am I.
849
00:58:49,818 --> 00:58:51,510
Don't say, "Really?"
850
00:58:51,610 --> 00:58:53,112
I was going to say, "Really?"
851
00:58:58,784 --> 00:58:59,876
Wait, wait.
852
00:59:02,204 --> 00:59:03,956
What's happening?
853
00:59:04,291 --> 00:59:06,668
I did it. I did it. Wait.
854
00:59:12,340 --> 00:59:14,684
- I get you that excited?
- Yes.
855
00:59:16,344 --> 00:59:17,561
Come here.
856
00:59:25,686 --> 00:59:27,985
- Are we continuing?
- Yeah.
857
00:59:30,525 --> 00:59:32,869
- Do you want me to do anything?
- No, just shut up.
858
00:59:47,166 --> 00:59:48,213
What?
859
00:59:49,543 --> 00:59:51,012
Did you get me?
860
00:59:51,170 --> 00:59:52,822
No, I don't think I did.
861
00:59:52,922 --> 00:59:56,177
No, no. It's okay.
I was scared I might have gotten...
862
00:59:56,592 --> 00:59:58,619
- No, I would never do that.
- Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
863
00:59:58,719 --> 01:00:01,164
- No, no. This was a mistake.
- Petra, I'm fine.
864
01:00:01,264 --> 01:00:03,458
- No. You are a coward.
- Look, I'm fine.
865
01:00:03,557 --> 01:00:04,684
- No!
- I'm fine!
866
01:00:05,018 --> 01:00:07,019
Petra! Wait!
867
01:00:08,688 --> 01:00:10,530
You could jump out this whole time?
868
01:00:11,690 --> 01:00:14,739
She could jump out this whole time.
I'm such a dick.
869
01:00:15,737 --> 01:00:18,114
- I totally agree.
- Ned?
870
01:00:19,199 --> 01:00:22,202
Yeah. First guess. Very impressive.
871
01:00:24,371 --> 01:00:25,963
How much of that did you hear?
872
01:00:26,623 --> 01:00:28,876
Just enough to know you're still a virgin.
873
01:00:30,251 --> 01:00:32,050
Have fun being a virgin.
874
01:00:32,963 --> 01:00:34,806
- Fuck off!
- All right.
875
01:00:35,215 --> 01:00:39,594
Do you need me to get you some
clean underwear while I'm fucking off?
876
01:00:51,273 --> 01:00:53,650
Petra? Petra!
877
01:00:55,402 --> 01:00:56,778
Petra. Hey.
878
01:00:57,820 --> 01:01:00,347
- Listen. Can we please talk?
- Don't touch me.
879
01:01:00,447 --> 01:01:01,949
- Please.
- Look.
880
01:01:02,242 --> 01:01:04,916
Yeah. That's what I came to tell you guys.
881
01:01:05,244 --> 01:01:08,398
It seems like they're searching
for something. We have to leave town.
882
01:01:08,498 --> 01:01:11,501
No. No, we're going
to my parents' house first.
883
01:01:11,793 --> 01:01:12,965
Wait.
884
01:01:14,086 --> 01:01:16,465
The aliens can't find us
if they can't see us.
885
01:01:17,423 --> 01:01:18,596
Right?
886
01:01:20,927 --> 01:01:22,018
What?
887
01:01:33,106 --> 01:01:36,780
FYI, my dick is bigger than yours.
888
01:01:37,193 --> 01:01:40,197
Come on, Ned. You're such a dick.
889
01:01:40,780 --> 01:01:42,282
We said we weren't going to look.
890
01:01:42,990 --> 01:01:44,288
I lied.
891
01:01:46,536 --> 01:01:47,628
Great.
892
01:01:48,621 --> 01:01:50,398
Okay, let's go.
893
01:01:50,498 --> 01:01:52,125
Let's go, let's go. Run!
894
01:01:52,791 --> 01:01:54,965
- Ned, come on! Come on!
- You guys, hurry!
895
01:01:56,338 --> 01:01:57,715
Go, Petra.
896
01:02:00,132 --> 01:02:01,806
Come on, come on.
897
01:02:05,972 --> 01:02:07,063
Mom?
898
01:02:09,184 --> 01:02:10,309
Dad?
899
01:02:12,811 --> 01:02:13,983
Mom?
900
01:02:14,648 --> 01:02:15,739
Dad?
901
01:02:17,900 --> 01:02:19,494
Mom, it's Dag!
902
01:02:20,653 --> 01:02:22,405
Are you guys here?
903
01:02:22,989 --> 01:02:24,081
Mom?
904
01:02:24,490 --> 01:02:26,333
Come out. Please come out.
905
01:02:34,416 --> 01:02:36,152
- Do you hear that?
- Where?
906
01:02:36,253 --> 01:02:38,320
The basement. Wait.
907
01:02:38,420 --> 01:02:39,889
Dad! Guys.
908
01:02:41,548 --> 01:02:44,161
But it appears as if the alien forcefield,
909
01:02:44,260 --> 01:02:46,454
in addition to blocking the town off
from all aid...
910
01:02:46,554 --> 01:02:47,664
I'm sure they're alive.
911
01:02:47,764 --> 01:02:49,766
They're not. They're not.
912
01:03:10,452 --> 01:03:11,954
No! Ned! No!
913
01:03:26,094 --> 01:03:27,219
Are you all right?
914
01:03:34,436 --> 01:03:36,378
No! Ned!
915
01:03:36,478 --> 01:03:38,072
- Get out!
- Ned!
916
01:03:38,898 --> 01:03:40,114
Ned!
917
01:03:41,150 --> 01:03:42,402
No!
918
01:03:47,239 --> 01:03:48,617
He's gone.
919
01:04:15,184 --> 01:04:18,255
He tried to save me. That's why he's dead.
920
01:04:18,355 --> 01:04:20,422
I don't even have the guts
to talk to him at school
921
01:04:20,523 --> 01:04:23,492
or help him out
when some asshole trips him.
922
01:04:23,610 --> 01:04:26,204
Hey, come on. That's not your fault.
923
01:04:27,614 --> 01:04:29,365
That's high school.
924
01:04:30,282 --> 01:04:31,375
No.
925
01:04:32,619 --> 01:04:34,211
You were right.
926
01:04:35,538 --> 01:04:38,291
We didn't just drift apart. I ditched him.
927
01:04:40,460 --> 01:04:43,463
His dad used to force Ned
to be on the team.
928
01:04:43,963 --> 01:04:47,637
Back when he was trying
to mold him into a new Chaz Jr.
929
01:04:48,467 --> 01:04:51,472
And so Ned finds himself out there,
930
01:04:52,972 --> 01:04:56,146
deep left, last inning, last game.
931
01:04:56,976 --> 01:05:00,731
And I'm on the mound
and I serve up this meatball.
932
01:05:01,648 --> 01:05:04,025
And the kid hits the snot out of it.
933
01:05:04,150 --> 01:05:07,052
It's like this thing has eyes
for where Ned's standing.
934
01:05:07,152 --> 01:05:10,998
And right at the moment of truth,
it's about to hit Ned's glove
935
01:05:11,574 --> 01:05:15,920
and boom, Chaz Jr. just obliterates him
936
01:05:16,579 --> 01:05:19,047
and grabs the ball like it's nothing.
937
01:05:19,164 --> 01:05:21,041
Game over. Mosely Auto wins.
938
01:05:22,585 --> 01:05:24,177
Everybody mobs Chaz Jr.
939
01:05:25,003 --> 01:05:27,552
And I remember looking out
into the outfield grass
940
01:05:28,550 --> 01:05:30,597
and Ned's still there,
941
01:05:31,594 --> 01:05:33,891
just looking for his glasses.
942
01:05:35,681 --> 01:05:38,025
That's the thing. He didn't...
943
01:05:39,436 --> 01:05:41,358
He never got a chance.
944
01:05:41,855 --> 01:05:44,590
It's not like he dropped it.
He never got a chance.
945
01:05:44,690 --> 01:05:45,862
Yeah.
946
01:05:53,699 --> 01:05:56,873
I never really knew Ned
until he was a zombie.
947
01:05:58,121 --> 01:05:59,793
But he was kind.
948
01:06:00,706 --> 01:06:02,425
And he was brave.
949
01:06:04,043 --> 01:06:06,045
And he had a huge cock.
950
01:06:10,300 --> 01:06:11,597
Ashes to ashes.
951
01:06:13,427 --> 01:06:14,454
We'll miss you, Ned.
952
01:06:14,554 --> 01:06:17,123
Nice speech, douchebag.
I preferred Petra's.
953
01:06:17,222 --> 01:06:19,442
- Ned!
- Are you okay?
954
01:06:19,559 --> 01:06:21,731
Oh, my God! Sit down, here.
955
01:06:22,269 --> 01:06:24,963
- Shit. We thought you were dead.
- I wasn't dead.
956
01:06:25,063 --> 01:06:28,385
I was dematerialized and reassembled.
957
01:06:28,485 --> 01:06:30,112
Is everyone alive? Are my parents alive?
958
01:06:30,235 --> 01:06:33,639
I don't know. You must have killed the alien
before it could send me to the right place.
959
01:06:33,739 --> 01:06:35,057
So, instead of going
where everyone else went,
960
01:06:35,157 --> 01:06:37,226
I ended up at the Little Caesars
on Lakeview.
961
01:06:37,327 --> 01:06:38,853
- What?
- What do we do now?
962
01:06:38,952 --> 01:06:41,751
We give the alien what they came for.
963
01:06:42,123 --> 01:06:43,750
Think about it.
964
01:06:45,418 --> 01:06:49,594
Why would they pick Dillford?
What's the one thing our town's known for?
965
01:06:49,838 --> 01:06:51,490
You're around it every day.
966
01:06:51,590 --> 01:06:53,012
Wait, riblets?
967
01:06:53,300 --> 01:06:55,429
They flew a billion miles
for a great sandwich?
968
01:06:55,762 --> 01:06:57,856
They want what's in the riblets.
969
01:06:58,014 --> 01:07:00,641
- Little ribs?
- Tetrafluoraxipan.
970
01:07:00,766 --> 01:07:01,751
What the hell is that?
971
01:07:01,851 --> 01:07:06,840
It's the chemical that Malphasta uses
to make horse cartilage taste like real meat.
972
01:07:06,940 --> 01:07:09,425
- That's what they want.
- What? How are you so sure?
973
01:07:09,525 --> 01:07:11,199
- Because look.
- Oh, my God.
974
01:07:12,653 --> 01:07:15,849
Why is that so gross?
My face has been melting for a day.
975
01:07:15,949 --> 01:07:18,434
- There's pus. Ned!
- Oh, my God, that's horrible.
976
01:07:18,534 --> 01:07:20,161
- Oh, God.
- Ned, please put it away.
977
01:07:20,286 --> 01:07:22,938
It's an allergic reaction
from when the alien grabbed me.
978
01:07:23,039 --> 01:07:25,791
- And do you know what I'm allergic to?
- Tree nuts?
979
01:07:26,125 --> 01:07:27,172
Dairy?
980
01:07:27,293 --> 01:07:28,445
Ragweed?
981
01:07:28,545 --> 01:07:29,570
Tarragon?
982
01:07:29,670 --> 01:07:31,672
Tetrafluoraxipan, guys.
983
01:07:32,130 --> 01:07:33,677
I thought I was spoon-feeding you, guys.
984
01:07:33,800 --> 01:07:35,677
- I really thought it was easy.
- Yeah.
985
01:07:35,802 --> 01:07:39,556
Look, all we gotta do
is give the alien this chemical,
986
01:07:39,889 --> 01:07:42,061
and they'll leave us alone.
987
01:07:49,315 --> 01:07:51,693
Come on. Get over here.
988
01:07:55,737 --> 01:07:58,161
- Rick, are you there?
- Dougie, is that you?
989
01:07:58,740 --> 01:08:01,728
Yes. Rick, yes, it's Dag.
Please let us in.
990
01:08:01,827 --> 01:08:03,938
How do we know it's not an alien
pretending to be him?
991
01:08:04,038 --> 01:08:08,108
I got it. What happened to you
at the Harvest Carnival five years ago?
992
01:08:08,208 --> 01:08:09,710
Fucking hell.
993
01:08:12,005 --> 01:08:14,382
I shit myself in the dunk tank.
994
01:08:14,507 --> 01:08:15,679
What?
995
01:08:18,176 --> 01:08:20,770
I shit myself in the dunk tank!
996
01:08:21,180 --> 01:08:23,056
It's him. Let him in.
997
01:08:24,182 --> 01:08:26,168
I thought you shit yourself
at your piano recital.
998
01:08:26,269 --> 01:08:28,692
It was a bad week, okay? Come on!
999
01:08:31,608 --> 01:08:34,578
So, let me get this straight.
You're telling me that these aliens
1000
01:08:34,694 --> 01:08:36,787
can't see you if you're naked.
1001
01:08:38,197 --> 01:08:40,766
Then how did you three morons get here?
1002
01:08:40,867 --> 01:08:45,145
Well, these clothes are organic cotton,
so they're no different from our skin.
1003
01:08:45,246 --> 01:08:47,088
Right. I forgot your mom's
a filthy hippie.
1004
01:08:47,206 --> 01:08:48,858
Your blood, darling.
1005
01:08:48,957 --> 01:08:50,050
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
1006
01:08:51,210 --> 01:08:53,052
Thank you. Will you check
on the zombie kid for me?
1007
01:08:53,921 --> 01:08:55,547
I will do that.
1008
01:08:56,215 --> 01:09:00,369
So, you ladies would have me believe
that a bunch of aliens packed themselves
1009
01:09:00,470 --> 01:09:04,815
into spaceships and flew a zillion miles
to Earth just to get some riblets.
1010
01:09:05,057 --> 01:09:06,560
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1011
01:09:06,725 --> 01:09:08,569
Did they say how much they would pay?
1012
01:09:08,978 --> 01:09:10,479
Rick, please.
1013
01:09:10,771 --> 01:09:13,115
Just give them what they want.
1014
01:09:13,231 --> 01:09:16,782
You'd be a hero. They'll probably
make a statue out of you.
1015
01:09:16,903 --> 01:09:19,305
Do you realize the entire town
is being held captive somewhere?
1016
01:09:19,404 --> 01:09:21,640
Probably having probes
shoved up their assholes.
1017
01:09:21,740 --> 01:09:23,788
Right. Statue.
1018
01:09:25,744 --> 01:09:27,622
And meanwhile, Daisy and I are fine.
I wonder why.
1019
01:09:27,747 --> 01:09:30,466
That's right. Because we didn't run
into the middle of town with pitchforks,
1020
01:09:30,582 --> 01:09:32,130
trying to brain our neighbors.
You know what?
1021
01:09:32,251 --> 01:09:34,298
Those people are maniacs,
and as far as I'm concerned,
1022
01:09:34,420 --> 01:09:36,154
the wider and deeper
the probes, the better.
1023
01:09:36,255 --> 01:09:37,823
Hey, those are my parents
you're talking about.
1024
01:09:37,923 --> 01:09:41,286
Well, I guess there's going to be shorter lines
at the Parker family bathroom this year.
1025
01:09:41,386 --> 01:09:43,246
- What did you say?
- I think you heard me.
1026
01:09:43,345 --> 01:09:44,438
You motherfucker!
1027
01:09:45,097 --> 01:09:46,314
Daisy!
1028
01:09:47,809 --> 01:09:49,810
- Ned!
- Fuck! Ned, no.
1029
01:09:50,645 --> 01:09:53,273
- Wait. No brains.
- You ate my Daisy, you fuck!
1030
01:09:53,605 --> 01:09:55,949
- Oh, dear God in heaven.
- Shit.
1031
01:09:56,109 --> 01:09:59,488
- God, we're really sorry, Rick.
- You're sorry? I loved this woman.
1032
01:09:59,612 --> 01:10:03,287
Can we just talk? Please! Don't do this!
1033
01:10:04,283 --> 01:10:05,784
We need help.
1034
01:10:08,287 --> 01:10:10,288
- That's it.
- What?
1035
01:10:11,332 --> 01:10:12,503
Yeah.
1036
01:10:13,126 --> 01:10:14,627
I'm having an idea.
1037
01:10:15,461 --> 01:10:18,305
This isn't an idea. This is suicide.
1038
01:10:18,840 --> 01:10:21,639
Look, Ned did it and he's fine. Kind of.
1039
01:10:21,842 --> 01:10:25,346
If we hadn't killed that alien, it would have
sent him where it sent everybody else.
1040
01:10:25,470 --> 01:10:26,788
Are you fucking insane?
1041
01:10:26,889 --> 01:10:29,516
The three of us alone can't do shit.
1042
01:10:30,309 --> 01:10:33,313
We need help. Come on, let's do this.
1043
01:10:35,480 --> 01:10:37,574
We're still a team, right?
1044
01:10:39,652 --> 01:10:41,324
Let's do it now.
1045
01:10:45,032 --> 01:10:46,533
I love you guys.
1046
01:10:55,042 --> 01:10:57,261
Come and get it! Come and get it!
1047
01:11:12,185 --> 01:11:13,356
Mom?
1048
01:11:15,854 --> 01:11:16,902
Dag!
1049
01:11:17,230 --> 01:11:19,859
Petra. Oh, God! You look great.
1050
01:11:20,025 --> 01:11:23,701
Look, let's not beat around the bush.
You've had blood.
1051
01:11:23,904 --> 01:11:26,265
- Hook a vampire up.
- Are you serious?
1052
01:11:26,364 --> 01:11:29,413
Petra, please. Now's not the time
to get all periodic on me!
1053
01:11:31,537 --> 01:11:32,708
Thanks.
1054
01:11:34,289 --> 01:11:38,045
Go fuck yourself. And you were right.
Being a vampire isn't that bad.
1055
01:11:40,378 --> 01:11:41,551
Bitch.
1056
01:11:42,256 --> 01:11:43,552
Son!
1057
01:11:45,051 --> 01:11:46,802
Son!
1058
01:11:50,597 --> 01:11:52,225
Dad?
1059
01:11:52,390 --> 01:11:55,985
Yes, Ned. It is I, your father!
1060
01:11:56,729 --> 01:11:58,230
I have been a terrible parent.
1061
01:11:58,730 --> 01:12:00,716
I never paid attention to you.
1062
01:12:00,817 --> 01:12:03,386
I blew your college fund on OxyContin.
1063
01:12:03,485 --> 01:12:06,805
I don't even sell Hyundais. I sell Kias.
1064
01:12:06,905 --> 01:12:08,725
Kias?!
1065
01:12:08,824 --> 01:12:10,577
Shameful, I know.
1066
01:12:11,452 --> 01:12:12,578
Point is,
1067
01:12:13,287 --> 01:12:15,005
I've got major issues.
1068
01:12:15,413 --> 01:12:20,170
But I love you. Now and forever.
1069
01:12:22,755 --> 01:12:25,099
I love you too, dickwad.
1070
01:12:28,344 --> 01:12:29,470
Mom?
1071
01:12:30,095 --> 01:12:31,268
Dad?
1072
01:12:32,305 --> 01:12:34,274
- Dag! Dag.
- Hey.
1073
01:12:35,100 --> 01:12:37,837
My sweet, little frowny clown.
1074
01:12:37,936 --> 01:12:41,612
Hey! You got all that time-slime on you.
1075
01:12:42,859 --> 01:12:44,610
Hey, look who we found.
1076
01:12:44,985 --> 01:12:46,283
Lorelei.
1077
01:12:46,820 --> 01:12:49,949
Hi. What the hell is that thing?
1078
01:12:50,448 --> 01:12:52,601
It's some kind of alien forcefield.
1079
01:12:52,702 --> 01:12:55,671
It separates us from
the vampires and the zombies.
1080
01:12:55,787 --> 01:12:57,789
I call it the firewall.
1081
01:13:00,710 --> 01:13:03,054
At this point, fuck it, right?
1082
01:13:03,462 --> 01:13:04,679
- Dag! Hey!
- Hey.
1083
01:13:04,796 --> 01:13:08,221
Petra. I haven't seen you
since you murdered me.
1084
01:13:09,135 --> 01:13:10,306
Yeah.
1085
01:13:11,220 --> 01:13:13,314
Look, I'm really sorry about that.
1086
01:13:13,514 --> 01:13:16,958
No, don't apologize.
I mean, look at my tits.
1087
01:13:17,059 --> 01:13:19,653
- They're, like, twice the size now.
- God damn.
1088
01:13:20,354 --> 01:13:22,131
- Ned! Hey, how are you doing, buddy?
- Ned!
1089
01:13:22,230 --> 01:13:24,300
Is that Ned Mosely?
1090
01:13:24,399 --> 01:13:26,886
Oh, God, he looks terrible.
1091
01:13:26,985 --> 01:13:28,220
Okay, here's the deal.
1092
01:13:28,320 --> 01:13:30,539
I don't care how messed up
these brains make you,
1093
01:13:30,655 --> 01:13:34,502
I need you to think how we can
bring this thing, this forcefield, down.
1094
01:13:34,702 --> 01:13:36,436
Help us get out of here, Ned,
1095
01:13:36,537 --> 01:13:38,730
so we can give them what they want
and get rid of them.
1096
01:13:38,831 --> 01:13:40,878
Come on, Ned. Come on, you can do it.
1097
01:13:41,000 --> 01:13:43,002
- You can do it, Ned.
- Push through.
1098
01:13:52,177 --> 01:13:53,287
Hurry up.
1099
01:13:53,386 --> 01:13:55,435
Just one more line of code.
1100
01:13:55,765 --> 01:13:56,832
Done.
1101
01:13:56,932 --> 01:13:58,229
Wait, what just happened?
1102
01:13:58,350 --> 01:14:01,420
No, no. Shut it down. Shut it down.
1103
01:14:01,520 --> 01:14:02,520
Shut it down now.
1104
01:14:03,021 --> 01:14:05,194
- You're awesome, Ned.
- Shut it down.
1105
01:14:05,524 --> 01:14:07,400
Shut it down now!
1106
01:14:16,868 --> 01:14:18,041
What?
1107
01:14:21,039 --> 01:14:23,759
But why do they think he has the brains?
1108
01:14:23,876 --> 01:14:26,755
He doesn't even seem like
he has any language skills.
1109
01:14:30,423 --> 01:14:31,470
That's not a word.
1110
01:14:35,887 --> 01:14:37,832
- Sog attack?
- DoS attack!
1111
01:14:37,931 --> 01:14:40,935
- DoS attack! DoS attack!
- DoS attack! DoS attack!
1112
01:14:41,060 --> 01:14:43,170
This is what we used to do
back in junior high.
1113
01:14:43,270 --> 01:14:45,443
We used to overload the servers
to bring them down.
1114
01:14:45,564 --> 01:14:47,466
We hit this thing together,
we'll short it out.
1115
01:14:47,565 --> 01:14:49,467
- Yes!
- Are you nuts?
1116
01:14:49,568 --> 01:14:52,993
Let the vampires do it.
They're so goddamn immortal!
1117
01:14:53,488 --> 01:14:55,515
Yeah, just like a human.
1118
01:14:55,615 --> 01:14:58,728
Put it all on the undead. Pussies!
1119
01:14:58,828 --> 01:15:01,021
You're a pussy, bloodsucker!
1120
01:15:01,122 --> 01:15:02,965
- You know what?
- Hey, hey. Everybody!
1121
01:15:03,082 --> 01:15:07,403
What is it going to take for you idiots
to stop fighting and work together?
1122
01:15:07,502 --> 01:15:12,009
Mr. Zimmerman, your daughter,
she's a vampire, right? And you love her?
1123
01:15:12,591 --> 01:15:14,969
Yeah, you do. How could you not?
1124
01:15:15,761 --> 01:15:18,663
Mrs. Franklin, your son is a zombie.
1125
01:15:18,764 --> 01:15:22,939
We've always known. Not a real doctor.
Let's quit pretending that he is.
1126
01:15:23,269 --> 01:15:25,020
All the aliens want
1127
01:15:26,146 --> 01:15:27,213
are the riblets.
1128
01:15:27,314 --> 01:15:31,284
Now, I don't know about you.
I don't want to die in a Palway.
1129
01:15:31,777 --> 01:15:34,889
If we just work together,
we can tear this wall down.
1130
01:15:34,988 --> 01:15:38,059
We will get out of here,
we'll convince Rick to open up the gates
1131
01:15:38,158 --> 01:15:40,627
and we'll save our shitty town!
1132
01:15:41,162 --> 01:15:43,038
Now, what do you say?
1133
01:15:47,792 --> 01:15:50,363
USA! USA!
1134
01:15:50,462 --> 01:15:53,448
USA! USA!
1135
01:15:53,548 --> 01:15:56,452
USA! USA!
1136
01:15:56,551 --> 01:15:59,145
USA! USA!
1137
01:16:02,224 --> 01:16:03,315
All right!
1138
01:16:04,143 --> 01:16:05,627
Is everyone ready?
1139
01:16:05,728 --> 01:16:08,230
Three, two...
1140
01:16:08,980 --> 01:16:10,073
Fuck it, just run!
1141
01:16:24,497 --> 01:16:26,340
Let's get those riblets!
1142
01:16:26,832 --> 01:16:29,005
Come on! Come on, let's go!
1143
01:16:30,502 --> 01:16:32,005
Rick! Rick!
1144
01:16:32,378 --> 01:16:35,282
- Shit.
- No, no!
1145
01:16:35,381 --> 01:16:38,180
The next asshole who steps closer
gets one in the chest!
1146
01:16:40,179 --> 01:16:42,898
We need you to give the aliens
the riblets! It's the only way!
1147
01:16:44,350 --> 01:16:45,771
Isn't that nice?
1148
01:16:46,560 --> 01:16:50,672
You know what? From day one, nobody
in this town ever involved me in anything.
1149
01:16:50,773 --> 01:16:53,175
Not the bowling team, not the book club.
1150
01:16:53,274 --> 01:16:55,511
Shit, I paid
for the goddamn baseball field,
1151
01:16:55,610 --> 01:16:59,081
and I still can't get the drink
I want after the game at the bar.
1152
01:16:59,198 --> 01:17:00,949
A Rick-itini's not a drink!
1153
01:17:02,033 --> 01:17:03,519
It is to me!
1154
01:17:03,618 --> 01:17:07,189
I deserve to belong, man.
I deserve to belong.
1155
01:17:07,288 --> 01:17:09,041
Yes, you're right.
1156
01:17:09,792 --> 01:17:11,318
You do deserve to belong.
1157
01:17:11,417 --> 01:17:14,261
I want to believe you, Diggie,
but I think you just want me to save you.
1158
01:17:14,796 --> 01:17:17,640
Do you want the truth? Here's the truth.
1159
01:17:18,551 --> 01:17:20,645
You have been a huge dick!
1160
01:17:21,720 --> 01:17:23,721
But I've been one, too.
1161
01:17:26,225 --> 01:17:28,398
And we both deserve
to be a part of this town.
1162
01:17:28,935 --> 01:17:30,483
Rick! Rick!
1163
01:17:30,770 --> 01:17:33,274
Rick! Rick! Rick!
1164
01:17:33,399 --> 01:17:35,467
Rick! Rick! Rick!
1165
01:17:35,568 --> 01:17:36,944
Rick! Rick!
1166
01:17:37,069 --> 01:17:38,820
- Rick.
- Rick! Rick! Rick!
1167
01:17:38,945 --> 01:17:40,948
- Rick! Rick! Rick!
- Rick. Rick.
1168
01:17:41,073 --> 01:17:44,747
Come on, what's it going to be?
They're coming! We need you!
1169
01:17:45,661 --> 01:17:47,082
All right.
1170
01:17:48,413 --> 01:17:50,166
Bring it, fuckers!
1171
01:17:52,083 --> 01:17:53,069
Come on, come on.
1172
01:17:53,168 --> 01:17:56,092
Come on, come on!
Everybody in! Everybody in!
1173
01:17:56,588 --> 01:17:59,091
- Go, go! Go! Come on!
- Run!
1174
01:18:07,600 --> 01:18:10,336
Creatures from the great beyond,
1175
01:18:10,435 --> 01:18:12,689
behold the riblet!
1176
01:18:24,033 --> 01:18:26,832
Jesus, that's what riblets are made of?
1177
01:18:27,869 --> 01:18:30,167
How come no one ever told us?
1178
01:19:03,154 --> 01:19:04,497
Oh, my God!
1179
01:19:22,548 --> 01:19:24,016
What are you doing, aliens?
1180
01:19:25,010 --> 01:19:26,682
Holy shit.
1181
01:19:28,430 --> 01:19:30,023
Wait, what's happening?
1182
01:19:33,851 --> 01:19:35,069
What is going on?
1183
01:19:35,186 --> 01:19:38,565
He was wrong!
Your genius zombie friend was wrong!
1184
01:19:38,940 --> 01:19:41,363
They took our riblets
and now they're going to kill us all!
1185
01:19:49,702 --> 01:19:54,207
Beings of Earth,
do not cower in fear. Rise.
1186
01:19:54,914 --> 01:19:56,212
It's...
1187
01:19:56,625 --> 01:19:57,650
beautiful.
1188
01:19:57,751 --> 01:20:00,154
As our planet's ambassador,
1189
01:20:00,253 --> 01:20:03,948
we would like to thank you
for giving us a precious chemical
1190
01:20:04,048 --> 01:20:05,595
that sustains us.
1191
01:20:05,717 --> 01:20:08,938
- Why does it have a German accent?
- I was going to ask the same question.
1192
01:20:09,220 --> 01:20:10,706
But before we go,
1193
01:20:10,805 --> 01:20:14,105
we need to talk about what happened here.
1194
01:20:14,225 --> 01:20:18,631
We came all this way
to essentially borrow a stick of butter.
1195
01:20:18,730 --> 01:20:21,800
And before we even got a chance to ask,
1196
01:20:21,899 --> 01:20:23,676
you went bananas.
1197
01:20:23,777 --> 01:20:26,451
We had to lock you all up in the Palway
1198
01:20:26,572 --> 01:20:29,416
just to protect you from yourselves.
1199
01:20:29,742 --> 01:20:34,292
As one of your great philosophers
so eloquently put it,
1200
01:20:35,413 --> 01:20:39,793
"We didn't start the fire.
1201
01:20:41,252 --> 01:20:43,471
"It was always burning.
1202
01:20:43,588 --> 01:20:47,092
"Since the world's been turning.
1203
01:20:47,301 --> 01:20:50,828
"But when we are gone,
will it still burn on,
1204
01:20:50,929 --> 01:20:53,582
"and on and on?"
1205
01:20:53,681 --> 01:20:54,750
You are fucking kidding me.
1206
01:20:54,850 --> 01:20:57,854
- But that's a song.
- It's a song about burning.
1207
01:20:58,311 --> 01:21:00,655
Here is the point. Look at us.
1208
01:21:00,773 --> 01:21:04,152
We are 90 feet
of intergalactic awesomeness.
1209
01:21:04,275 --> 01:21:07,154
Look at you. You guys are a mess.
1210
01:21:07,279 --> 01:21:10,431
Have some dignity, for shit's sake.
1211
01:21:10,532 --> 01:21:12,100
And you're welcome.
1212
01:21:12,201 --> 01:21:13,769
Hey, wait a second.
1213
01:21:13,868 --> 01:21:14,994
Yes?
1214
01:21:15,703 --> 01:21:16,956
Fuck you.
1215
01:21:17,872 --> 01:21:20,567
No, no, no. You come here in your ship,
1216
01:21:20,667 --> 01:21:22,528
you scare the living piss out of us,
1217
01:21:22,627 --> 01:21:26,006
and then you lecture us
with a Billy Joel song?
1218
01:21:26,131 --> 01:21:31,057
But our research indicated an abiding love
for Billy Joel.
1219
01:21:33,221 --> 01:21:34,247
Freak.
1220
01:21:34,347 --> 01:21:37,146
Please, let's keep this civilized.
1221
01:21:38,976 --> 01:21:41,630
- What the fuck?
- She's right!
1222
01:21:41,729 --> 01:21:45,404
Go fuck with somebody else's planet,
you self-righteous douchebag. Fuck you!
1223
01:21:47,485 --> 01:21:50,864
Fine. Have it your way, bitches.
1224
01:22:22,061 --> 01:22:23,689
- Are you all right?
- What is that stuff?
1225
01:22:24,856 --> 01:22:26,007
Ammonia!
1226
01:22:26,108 --> 01:22:29,470
The ammonia's melting it!
Ammonia! That's it!
1227
01:22:29,569 --> 01:22:31,930
Mrs. Mosely, the ammonia hose! Quick!
1228
01:22:32,029 --> 01:22:35,250
Way ahead of you, Daggy!
Let her rip, boys!
1229
01:22:53,635 --> 01:22:57,390
You uppity little bitch, I've done
a lot of slumming in my life, but you...
1230
01:22:59,725 --> 01:23:01,398
You might be my biggest disgrace.
1231
01:23:01,560 --> 01:23:02,731
Yeah!
1232
01:23:09,943 --> 01:23:13,971
When you really care about somebody,
you don't hesitate. You just jump right in.
1233
01:23:14,072 --> 01:23:15,163
Don't touch her!
1234
01:23:32,131 --> 01:23:34,260
In a way, I envy you.
1235
01:23:34,926 --> 01:23:36,850
About to see a world I'll never know.
1236
01:23:53,945 --> 01:23:56,289
When the change comes, it is...
1237
01:23:57,323 --> 01:24:00,873
- Enormous.
- Enormous. It's a big change.
1238
01:24:15,801 --> 01:24:16,972
No.
1239
01:24:31,315 --> 01:24:33,363
I said, "Don't touch her."
1240
01:24:37,989 --> 01:24:38,990
No!
1241
01:24:47,416 --> 01:24:49,259
It's sticking out of my back, isn't it?
1242
01:24:54,256 --> 01:24:55,757
Are you okay?
1243
01:24:59,344 --> 01:25:01,596
- Did you hear that?
- It's him.
1244
01:25:02,180 --> 01:25:04,103
Our boy is growing up.
1245
01:25:20,698 --> 01:25:22,076
Shit.
1246
01:25:32,627 --> 01:25:33,753
Fuck this.
1247
01:25:56,109 --> 01:25:58,011
What the hell is that?
1248
01:25:58,110 --> 01:26:00,488
Sub-atomic fusion explosive.
1249
01:26:00,988 --> 01:26:03,242
Parting gift, motherfuckers.
1250
01:26:51,372 --> 01:26:52,465
Ned! Ned!
1251
01:26:59,463 --> 01:27:01,386
Give him the high cheese, Diggy!
1252
01:27:10,182 --> 01:27:12,652
Wait, that's not supposed to happen.
1253
01:28:03,528 --> 01:28:05,872
- Guess who.
- Lorelei.
1254
01:28:06,530 --> 01:28:08,684
- Yo, Dag, what's up?
- Yo, what's up, man?
1255
01:28:08,783 --> 01:28:11,627
Look at you. Hey, you want to eat
at my table today?
1256
01:28:11,912 --> 01:28:14,586
I'd love to,
but I kind of got some other plans.
1257
01:28:15,414 --> 01:28:18,760
Well, that's cool, because maybe
after school, we could hang...
1258
01:28:19,752 --> 01:28:21,595
Nothing. I'll just...
1259
01:28:22,213 --> 01:28:23,556
- Hi.
- Hey.
1260
01:28:24,216 --> 01:28:25,826
Should we go find Ned?
1261
01:28:25,926 --> 01:28:28,475
No, it looks like
he's bonding with Chaz Jr. today.
1262
01:28:34,600 --> 01:28:36,319
That is my thigh.
1263
01:28:49,824 --> 01:28:50,917
So, what should we do?
1264
01:28:51,743 --> 01:28:53,019
I don't know.
1265
01:28:53,118 --> 01:28:54,729
Maybe we should
1266
01:28:54,829 --> 01:28:56,252
make out under the bleachers.
1267
01:28:58,667 --> 01:29:00,418
Bring it, fucker.
1268
01:29:01,752 --> 01:29:03,426
I am so into you.
1269
01:29:13,931 --> 01:29:15,479
So, who are you these days?
1270
01:29:17,101 --> 01:29:18,694
I'm Nick Braun.
1271
01:29:20,104 --> 01:29:23,324
What do they look like?
Is it like Spielberg or more Giger?
1272
01:29:23,440 --> 01:29:24,818
Who the fuck is Giger? I don't know.
1273
01:29:24,943 --> 01:29:27,445
H.R. Giger.
He designed the aliens in Alien.
1274
01:29:29,363 --> 01:29:30,390
Who's pitching it to me?
1275
01:29:30,489 --> 01:29:32,367
Did you ever see
the movie Schindler's List?
1276
01:29:32,617 --> 01:29:34,664
You know, he wanted
to save all these people...
1277
01:29:34,786 --> 01:29:36,787
Save all these lives
that were worth saving, right?
1278
01:29:37,037 --> 01:29:39,336
Well, you're like my opposite Schindler.
1279
01:29:39,457 --> 01:29:41,458
This is really going to fuck you up.
1280
01:29:42,961 --> 01:29:44,382
I dropped my weapon. Hold on.
1281
01:29:45,546 --> 01:29:48,365
- Are you ready to give up yet?
- Say it more like you're choking.
1282
01:29:48,466 --> 01:29:51,810
I am choking, though.
That's why it's hard to say this shit.
1283
01:30:00,645 --> 01:30:04,820
- We're "understanding" parents.
- Yeah. Right.
1284
01:30:05,190 --> 01:30:07,551
- You do the other quote.
- Yeah, all right.
1285
01:30:07,652 --> 01:30:09,887
You guys understand too much.
1286
01:30:09,988 --> 01:30:13,708
Maybe a little too much some days.
When we have to drive.
1287
01:30:13,824 --> 01:30:16,328
We should all do it
sometime together or something.
1288
01:30:17,162 --> 01:30:19,648
- No. Not important to do that.
- No.
1289
01:30:19,747 --> 01:30:21,671
- It's a... Yeah.
- Generational.
1290
01:30:21,917 --> 01:30:23,760
What, did I stutter?
1291
01:30:25,170 --> 01:30:26,488
- No!
- A little bit.
1292
01:30:26,587 --> 01:30:28,681
You did stutter a little bit.
1293
01:30:29,591 --> 01:30:32,935
My jaw is half gone.
Way to make fun of me.
1294
01:30:33,886 --> 01:30:37,356
- I didn't mean that. Sorry.
- Class act, this guy.
1295
01:30:39,016 --> 01:30:41,002
- It's not going to get better, so just...
- Got it.
1296
01:30:41,101 --> 01:30:43,963
I'm going to take a key.
I'm going to stick it in my mouth,
1297
01:30:44,064 --> 01:30:45,506
and I'm going to turn it
and I'm going to lock it.
1298
01:30:45,606 --> 01:30:47,359
- But you're still talking.
- Yep.
www.doc-advice.com
Medical Health
99941
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.