All language subtitles for RRRR.I.P.D.2021

NICK: You think you've
had a bad day at work?

I think I got you beat.

(LAUGHS)

(YELLS)

That's not me.

Nope, that's my partner.

(LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

Suck it!

There I am.

Three or four days ago, I
didn't know this world existed.

(GRUNTS)
But three or four days ago,

I wasn't in the Rest
In Peace Department.

Boo!
(EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I heard you coming a mile away.

Look at this, French girl gets
the drop on Boston's finest.

You got the drop on me, huh?
Mmm-hmm.

But I feel like
a genius right now.

I couldn't have
planned this better.

Well, genius, there is an
orange tree in the backyard.

How did that get there?

Oh, yeah, there is an orange
tree in the backyard.

How weird.

Hmm.

I don't know how it got here.

Me neither.

You know it's a symbol of
prosperity, don't you?

No, I've never heard that.

His, yeah.
Ask anyone in Florida.

No, you're crazy.

This tree is never gonna
make it through the winter.

We might not make
it through the winter

in this freezing little house!

I love our
freezing little house.

You do, do you?

Mmm-hmm.
Yeah?

But don't you want more?

You're always
worried about money.

Don't you want
a real house? A car?

I don't worry
about money, you do.

I have everything
I need right here.

My husband, with me.

Well, you'll always have that.

I gotta go to work.

I'll tell you when
you can go to work.

Oh, really?
Mmm-hmm.

(SMACKS) Hey!

Watch that ankle.
I love you, baby.

Bye. Love you.

Got my picture in
a trophy case, I see.

Look at that.
Already immortalized.

Right place, right time.
What can I say?

Hey, Bobby.
Hey.

Murph! Jesus, get a
robe or something.

You're asking too
much of that towel.

Morning, partner.
Morning.

Hey, guys.

Love to have you at the union
meeting Monday.
BOTH: Oh!

No, no!
Sweet Jesus, Murphy.

I will shoot that thing.
(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

That's pretty devastating.

It's gonna be a while before
I get that image out.

Hey,
what did you do with yours?

(WHISPERS) I buried it.
Really?

I thought you were joking about that.
But it's not the worst idea.

It's gold,
you bury it. Right?

Listen, Bobby.

I'm out.

(SCOFFS) You're out?

Look.

Nothing has to change for you.

You do whatever you want, but I'm
putting mine in evidence. It's done.

(WHISPERS) Nicky, I said
I would move it for us.

I'll take care of everything.

That's not what I'm
talking about, Bobby.

I'm talking about the way she
looked at me this morning,

I knew.

Look, we went in there to make
a drug bust, which we did.

We didn't expect this gold
to fall into our laps.

We weren't looking
for it, but it happened.

The way I see it,
you do it for Julia.

For your future together.
It's simple.

No, she's happy.
I'm not gonna risk that.

I'm sorry, buddy.

(SIGHS)

You're right.

I hate it when you're right.

We gotta turn
the whole thing in.

There goes the speedboat.

Look.

You don't have to worry, I'm
not wagging my finger at you.

You do whatever you want to do.

No, it's bothering me, too.

So, let's grow old
and poor together.

Listen up, we got Garza.
We got an address.

Wait, you got Garza? You
got actual eyes on him?

An informant gave up
his whole meth operation.

He's there, we got him.

Okay, we're
in business, partner.

Get another picture
in the trophy case.

You know how long we've been
waiting for Garza to slip up.

This guy's a meth dealer, a cop killer.
He's got 30 guys with him.

He's not gonna go easy.

Now, stand by for inspiring,

motivating words
from Detective Bobby Hayes.

How about we don't
get shot today?

That's great advice.
You're a good cop.

Detective Hayes advises
we should avoid getting shot.

And also, everybody should put
their charm bracelets on now.

Hey, that's my grandmother's

Saint Christopher
medal, jackass.

It's adorable.

I wear it for protection.

It's for protection?
Well, this stops bullets.

Yours stops you
from getting dates.

(LAUGHING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

SWAT OFFICER: Let's go!

Move it! Move it!
Let's go!

On my lead. Let's put
them on their heels.

Hey. Be safe,
will you?

Knock, knock.

Police officer!

(MEN SHOUTING)

GARZA'S MAN 1: Take
the stuff out of here.

GARZA'S MAN 2: Bag the stuff!
Bag the stuff!

I see Garza.

He's on the catwalk!

(GUNFIRE)

Damn it! Garza's
out the south window.

Jesus!

Whoa. That was close.
What the hell are you doing?

You almost got me.

But,

I can't let you
turn that gold in.

What?

JULIA: My husband, with me.

(GRUNTS)

(SOFT MUZAK PLAYING)

Tough day.

It's normal to be a little
tongue-tied at first.

I want you to know
that I'm here to help you.

I've sat in that chair.

So take your time.

Ease into it.

Ease into what?

Come on, genius.
I know you can get there.

(CHUCKLES)

This is a joke.

Hilarious. Ha-ha-ha.

I'm dead?

Let's be honest,
being a dirty cop

is one of the higher
shot-in-the-face-percentage jobs.

That's not who I am.

Really, pretty boy?

How did it feel as you were
headed towards Judgment?

Comfortable?

Feel like you
were bound for glory?

Or were you a little worried
that you were going down?

I thought so.

You're lucky, Nick.

You have skills that we want.
So we're giving you a choice.

You can take your
chances with Judgment,

or,

you can join the R.I.P.D.

The R.I.P.D?

Rest In Peace Department.

I get it. It's cute.

Simply put

we find dead people that have
managed to escape Judgment.

We ship them off back down
to where they belong.

The tour is 100 years.

If you say yes, we'll send you back
down to Boston, your home turf.

I'll do it.

That's not gonna work.

What's not gonna work?
I said I'm in.

I know what you're thinking. You got
rooked, you want your old life back.

You want Julia.

No. You asked me to help you,
and I'm here to help.

You really don't think
I can read you?

I know everything there is
to know about you.

Don't squander
this opportunity, Nick.

I know for a fact
you can use a good

recommendation on
Judgment Day, okay?

I think you're smelling
what I'm selling.

Any more questions?

What's with the Steely Dan?

No idea.
It's always playing.

It seems to relax people.

(MUZAK CONTINUES PLAYING)

Let's do this.
Yes, let's.

This Will tickle a bit.

(SCREAMS)

(SIZZLING)

What the...

(GASPING)

Clench 'em and get over here.

(WHISTLING)

INMATE: Hey,
are you my lawyer?

(INMATES CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY)

Settle down!

This is holding.
We call them "Deados."

Until they pop, they
look like regular people,

so no one except us knows
they're monsters inside.

(GROWLS)

You see, if you
slip through the cracks

and stay on Earth
after you die,

your soul rots.

If they rot, the world rots.

Global warming, black plague,
bad cell reception, get it?

Without the R.I.P.D.,

the world would
have been overrun

by these dead people
some time in 1954.

How is staying an option?

A hundred-and-fifty-thousand
people die every day.

This system wasn't designed to
handle that kind of volume.

Welcome to the big league.

R.I.P.D. Boston.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Before you are the greatest law
officers who ever lived and died.

We're the third biggest
precinct in the force.

What's the first?

Boca.

R.I.P.D. Scottsdale
does a lot of volume, too.

Trust me, chest hair is
making a big comeback.

I'm telling you, chicks dig it.

It's a lot to take in
on your first day dead.

But don't worry, your partner
will explain it all to you.

(GROWLING)

No! Get your
hands off me!

I said, get your hands

off

me!

(YELLING)

(GRUNTS)

OFFICER: Come on, Roy.

Oh, you come on.

Just because I'm the only
one willing to lethal-up.

Oh, Jesus.

No, you Jesus!

Roy!
What?

He was going for the door.

I'll plant a gun on him if it
makes you feel any better.

Would you like to take this
up with Eternal Affairs?

We both know what this is
about, don't we, honey pot?

Not the time, Roy.

Why not have it out now?
I'm comfortable.

Roy, meet your new partner,
Nick Walker.

We've been over this before.
I'm a one-man operation.

Not a choice, Roy.

No. You gotta earn that.

Come on, rookie.

Grab your huevos.

WOMAN ON PA: Please follow
all posted regulations.

Department hygiene regulations
are for your benefit.

ROY: Tuck on in.
Don't be shy.

Goin' for a ride.
(FLUSHING)

(RUMBLING)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

You ever think about hiding
this place a little better?

When was the last time
you got a VCR repaired?

(DOOR BELLS JINGLING)

Point taken.

ROY: That's right,
you're back.

Don't wet your pants
over it. Come on.

Don't wanna be late.
Proctor likes to

start you off
with some closure.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Get in!
(STARTS ENGINE)

ROY: Disappointing
turnout, huh?

Expected more.

We got a lot to talk about,

but for now,
I'm just gonna step back,

let you soak it in
for a minute.

(SIGHS)

This moment is not about me.

This is about you

letting go.

Thank you for
letting me soak it in.

I'll wait for you.
All right.

ROY: Do you know
what my funeral was?

Watching a bunch of coyotes
pick my carcass clean

and drag my bones
off into a cave.

A freaking cave, hoss.

Here it comes.

Be careful, now!

(OFFICERS PROTESTING)

Julia? Julia!

I'm here. I don't
know how, but I'm here.

I'm sorry, I don't know you.

Can we just talk?
Can we just...

Please don't touch me.
...go somewhere?

Julia? Hey, Julia!

What's your problem, huh?

You piece of shit.

OFFICER 1: Get out of here.
Just relax.

Get back on the meds, buddy.

OFFICER 2: Get him out of here!
Get him out of here!

NICK: Let me go!

That went well.

I tried to do
something nice for you.

What just happened?

How could
she not know it was me?

To them, you don't look like
you, you don't sound like you.

If you try to tell 'em who you
are, it comes out all garbled up.

The universe,
in its ultimate wisdom,

will not let you
reveal yourself.

It's smarter than us.

That's sick.

Consider it the universe's
witness protection program.

So, what do I look like?

Here.

These are your IDs.

Some federal. A lot of utilities.
Whatever gets us access.

Really?
An old Chinese guy?

What about you?

Well, I guess you win, Roy.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

ROY: Let me bring you up to
speed with what's on my plate.

When you ride with me,
you ride with the best.

(LOUD THUD)

The pace is lightning,
expectations high.

Things are gonna come at you
fast, they're gonna come hot,

and they're gonna come wet.

Wet?

(BRAKES SCREECHING)
(PEDESTRIANS SCREAMING)

MAN: Learn to drive, bimbo!

You've done this before?
Driving?

You're gonna get your feet
wet with a standard pickup.

Find the suspect
and then test him.

See if he's a Deado.

And then...

Look at the ankles
on that girl. (LAUGHS)

NICK: That's what you're into, ankles?
That's what does it for you?

In my day, women, they
dressed very conservatively.

Mmm. That makes you
way less creepy.

When exactly was your day?

1800s, buddy.

I'm what we used
to call a "lawman."

Marshal Roicephus Pulsipher.

"Roicephus"?

It was considered a very
sexy name at the time.

It sounds like an STD.

Would you care to drive?

I didn't get a peek
at your wife's ankles.

Not one more word about her.

(LAUGHING)

Listen, rook.

You better work on getting a little
distance, because you two are over.

You just worry
about yourself, partner.

Whoa.

You ain't my partner, rook.

You're just the ass in the other
seat until I say contrary.

I had a partner.

Greatest man I ever knew.

Right up until
he shot me in the back.

That's what
"partner" will get you.

Tell me about it.
How do you think I got here?

You got shot with
a modern bullet.

I would've loved a modern bullet.
Sanitary, at least.

That's exactly how it felt as
it passed through my face.

Sanitary.

The term "partner"
died when I did.

You got it, Roicephus.

"Roicephus."
Roicephus.

Just call me "Roy."

I was gonna do that.

Or "Cephus."

Now, listen up.

This is tactical, rook.

Tactical?
A bag of Indian food?

Yeah. I got a tip on a possible
Deado in this building.

Now, listen and learn.

Deados put off a bad dead mojo.

Infect everything
with their soul stank.

Infect everything
for the worse.

People and things.

(ELECTRIC BUZZING)

There you go. Broken
shit is a dead giveaway.

Ah.

Soul killers.

Hit a Deado in the head with one of
these, and it's got to be the head...

Personally, I find
the face most gratifying.

...he's erased
from the cosmos.

Won't hurt live ones,
will hurt us.

So, you be extra careful
where you point that thing.

I'm pretty solid on gun safety.

I saw that ankle piece
you're strapping.

Live-world gun don't
do diddly-squat here.

You can keep your eyes off
my ankles, thank you.

(RUMBLING)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Watch me sniff this out.

Even more promising.

It's always the quiet one.

You ready? You pumped?

I need you all here. Get
your snowman on, get frosty.

Alert, icy-hot.

Is this you trying
to sound like a cop?

Because it throws up
a lot of red flags for me.

You gotta learn the lingo,
hombrito.

I'm frosty.
Don't worry about it.

Senior officer
gets to knock, rook.

I've got 15 years on the force.

Knock off
the "rookie" bullshit.

Oh, you've done this before?

You know what's waiting
for you behind the door?

You can take your 15 years, you
can flush it down the toilet,

because this ain't that.

I knock, you do the cards.

Stanley Nawicki.

We're with
the Department of Health.

Is there a problem?

Well, Mr. Nawicki,

we suspect that
you might be dead.

Is this really necessary?

No offense, but you
sound kind of crazy.

None taken.

Just a routine test and
we'll be out of your hair.

I am not dead.
(LAUGHING)

I mean, that's...
Check my pulse, go ahead!

Rook, first question.

"It's late
on Ash Wednesday."

"An Asian teenager
in a slammed-out Acura"

"offers you a plate
of chicken vindaloo."

"Do you accept?"

How am I supposed
to answer that?

You tell me.

Okay, the answer is no.

What's the problem?
Is it the teenager?

(COUGHS) The ash?

Is it the Japanese
performance sedan?

(GAGS)

Maybe it's the Indian food.

What?

Maybe you hate Injuns.

No. That's...
(SCOFFS)

Card.

"The teenager is Armenian.
The day is Rosh Hashanah."

"The dish is saag paneer."

Uh... (BURPS)

I don't want it.

Why not?

Too spicy? Too mushy?

You... (BURPS)

You can't eat during an interview.
(STAMMERS) I don't want...

You don't what?

Card!

"The car is a lime-green Scion.
The season is the solstice."

"The dish is
chicken tikka masala."

No.
ROY: Yes.

No.
Yes, it is!

The dish is chicken tikka!
The dish is chicken tikka!

(LAUGHING)

ROY: Oh, yeah,
that's a Deado.

Big old mouth coming in.

Feller was a snitch in life.

See, Nick?
Like that. Metaphorical.

For some reason, Indian
food seems to do the trick.

Maybe it's the cumin.

(GROWLS)

You can bag this one.
My treat.

No. I'm not
going near that.

Where's that
15 years now, frosty?

You gotta get comfortable with the
visuals and the smell profile.

All right.
Go on!

Spread 'em.
Come on, let's go.

Hurry up, let's
get this over with.

(SNEERS)

Once they pop,
they know it's over.

Right, pal?

Put all your hands
behind your back.

(GIGGLES)

Stupid space cuffs.

(GROWLS)

Hey!

No!

(GRUNTS)

You want it?

Ah!

You got it!
(GROANS)

(LAUGHS)

ROY: Nick! Grab him!

Get the rest of him!

Contain!

NICK: Holy shit.

(STANLEY BURPING)

(SIGHS)

ROY: Giddyup, pony!

Whoa! No, no!

(WHOOPING)

Relax your body!

What?

Relax body!

(NICK SCREAMING)

(ROY WHOOPING)
(ALL GRUNTING)

(COCKS GUN)

Give me a reason.

Doesn't have to be a good one.

Actually, doesn't
even have to make sense.

Fun, right?
(GROANING)

You might have noticed
we're pretty durable.

It still hurts.

That's why rook's the bottom.

Bottom.
(LAUGHING)

Bottom!

(STAN LEY CACKLING)

Okay.

I guess that's
emotionally understandable.

(PARTS)

(STAN LEY GASPING)

You're really gonna
rummage through that?

(ROARING)

Brief after-action report.

Now, you were below
average in the room,

but you did respond well to my
steering during the airborne portion.

Your internal organs provided
me a very soft landing.

You have a very
impressive crumple zone.

With the exception
of letting yourself

get attached
directly to the beastie...

Stop talking.

...you were solid.
C-plus.

Stop talking.

Just doing my job.
Stop it. Stop talking!

You're the one who's talking.

You ran your mouth
at my funeral.

You ran your mouth when you
pushed me out of a building,

and used my body as a cushion.

You've run your mouth non-stop
since the minute we met!

I think I know
what's going on here.

No, no, no! Shut up! You
shut up and let me deal.

All right, you deal.
Deal with the upchuck.

Come to think of it,
with all this tantrumery,

I'm beginning to think that I might
have been a little too generous

with the "plus" on that C.

I might just have
to lower your grade.

Relax body.

(YELPS)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

My hat! (YELPS)

My hat!

My hat!

New grade. F!

The bus, I can forgive.

My hat? I can't even
talk about that now.

OFFICER: Let's go, go, go!
Time is a factor. Let's go.

What the hell is this?
A fire drill?

I never seen it this busy.

Seems like every Deado
moved to Boston last week.

What did I say?
Get back out there.

No breaks for anyone until
this surge is under control.

If I didn't need you
back on the streets...

What? You'd have my ass?

Don't be a cliché.

You let him get out the window.
Aren't you better than that?

You're the one who put me
with training wheels, here.

But go on, make a show.
Be the boss.

You still have a hard time with
the "boss" part, don't you?

You played the game,
got what you wanted.

I don't play the game.

And my ass is
mine and mine alone!

Eagerly noted!

Come on.
It's flat, anyway.

Roy, Nawicki was trying awfully
hard to protect this gold.

Don't you think we should try
to figure out what it is?

ROY: Trust me,
it's nothing.

Ninety-nine percent of
these things are just

fundraising items
for various religions.

Just crap.

What about the one percent?

That's why we
lock them up in here.

Bag it,
tag it and bury it deep.

Is that all of it?
That's it.

Sign here, please.

Roy, listen.

What?

Nawicki cared an awful
lot about that gold.

Yeah.

He was trying to
hide it from us. Why?

So, now
you're all gung-ho, huh?

I'm thinking
we should follow up.

Let me guess.
Genius has a plan.

Genius wants to get out on
the street and work this.

I think that you
can help me with that.

You know why? Because every
great cop that I've ever known

has their own informant.

Big Roy...

Big Roy, he's gotta have one.

You want an informant?

Big Roy's got
the best informant.

ANNOUNCER: Now batting for the
Red Sox, number 34, David Ortiz.

ROY: Elliot.
He's a pain-in-the-ass Deado.

All he cares about is the Sox.

So, I let him stick around
in exchange for information.

Here.

You're in mourning.
You got a hole to fill.

You know, I can't
taste anything.

Of course not, you're dead.

R.I.P.D. don't eat,
we don't sleep.

You're here to kick Deado
ass, that's about it.

Then why would you eat this?

I enjoy the mouth feel.

ROY: How's it going, Elliot?

We're up.

But they're hitting like
crap. We'll blow it.

Knock yourself out.

Hello, Elliot.

One of your buddies was willing
to get erased for this.

Why?
(WHISTLES)

Rook.

That belongs in evidence.

I thought you were
some kind of rebel, Roy.

I fought for the North.

Would you mind terribly if I
got back to my investigation?

Go continue your investigation.

Tell me what this is, Elliot.

That looks like
a big hunk of gold.

Uh-huh. That's not gonna
cut it. Try again.

(GROANING)

Hey! Hey! Get
your hands off me!

You behave
yourself now, Elliot.

Because of me, you're sitting there
all cozy and not lying in a pine box.

Not walking the desert, trying to
get your femur back from a coyote.

You cops are all the same.

Always obsessing
about how you bit it.

How was your funeral, newbie?

Did you cry when they gave your wife
that nice folded-up flag? (LAUGHS)

Hey.

That's fun, right?

I think we both know there's
no Red Sox on the other side,

so why don't you cooperate?

I apologize for
my poor attitude.

May I take a closer look, sir?

You may.

(SIGHS)

Look, I'm sorry to disappoint,
but this is crap.

Look, Deados,
they're sentimental.

A lot of them believe
in this talismanic junk.

If it was something else, there'd
be some chatter out there.

I would know.

All right, we're done here.

These hats are crap.

Keep your ears open for me.

Yes, sir.

You gave him the gold?

Did you see him squirm?
We got him.

"Got him"? What do you
mean, "we got him"?

What did we get?

Tell you what he got,
he got the gold!

Which you gave him!

What the hell is
the matter with you?

I'm pissed about my hat.

Well, then.
Looky, looky.

I'm gonna treat you to a
little modern law enforcement.

This is called
"giving the dog a bone."

Bones?

ROY: What's he doing?

Okay, that's weird,

because that looks
exactly like your ex-partner.

The one who shot you dead.

Okay, I'm interested.
Color me interested.

This must be chafing you, huh?

(GRUNTS)
(CAR ALARM BLARING)

First, the guy smoked
you like a knockwurst,

and now he's got guys
just handing him gold.

Let me think,
just let me think.

What's there to think about? The man's
just schooling you left and right.

Your own partner.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

And the trifecta.

Sleeping with your wife.

Because this is
your house, isn't it?

Total humiliation.

It's just a pants-down
spanking in the supermarket.

(SLAMS DOOR)

He's not sleeping with Julia.

Want to bet?

Yeah, let's.

Winner shoots the loser in the
face as many times as he wants.

I'm not 100 percent
confident with my read.

(CHUCKLES)

Some cannolis from Mike's.

I was thinking how Nick used to

make us stop and
get them for you.

Thank you.
Thank you, Bobby.

Hey, Julia, did Nick
seem all right to you?

I mean, was he
concerned about anything?

No.

Okay. Okay.

Why?

(SIGHS) I'm sorry I got
to do this now.

Nick said he buried something.

If he's not sleeping with her, it's
kind of funny he's here, isn't it?

Unless you guys
have a pact where he

scrubs the porn off
your laptop for you.

I get that.

Classy, actually.

He gave this to me.
He knew I wanted it.

What are you saying, that he just did
this to hide something under it?

BOBBY: I don't know.

But I've got to take a look.

I was hoping I was wrong.

Really? He stole this?

Oh, God, I feel sick.

You crooked son of a bitch. When
were you gonna tell me about this?

Put the gun down.
Shut up.

Just get it away from me.
I don't want to see it.

Don't worry.
Don't worry about a thing.

He was my best friend.

I don't even know who he was.

Get off of me or
I'll break your legs.

Explanation, now!

We took something
from a bunch of shit-rats

who would have turned it into
guns or drugs or who knows what.

It was a victimless crime.
End of story.

Why would the Deados want it?

You think Hayes and I
knew about this Deado shit?

It was just money to me. I was
trying to make our life better.

Well, you did a good job
of that, didn't you?

Why don't you go try
the Chinaman thing again?

Explain it to her.
That went well.

Try it again if it makes you...

Gold's getting away.

Come on, tighten up.

My wife sees me
as a piece of shit.

Actually, she sees you
as an old Chinese guy.

And by the way, Grandpa
Chen's a pretty solid look.

Helps with stakeouts.

The only thing that I ever cared
about is what she thought of me.

That's all that matters.
The only thing.

What she thinks,
that's who I am.

And I blew that.
Destroyed it.

Boo-hoo.

Excuse me?

You heard me. Boo-de-hoo.

You might be the worst
person I've ever met.

Sadly, you do not get to tell
her how you did it all for her.

And where exactly do you
think your tragedy ranks

on the scales of
cosmic injustice?

Pakistan-earthquake level?
(LAUGHS)

Killing Fields level?
For me, it was pretty big.

You think you're the only one
who was cut down in his prime?

You don't think
I felt unresolved

as my face was being
devoured by a buzzard?

Oh, Christ.

You are just gonna have to learn
to sit on your regret and pain

until it turns into
a dull, persistent ache.

The way I do it.
The way a man does it.

I do music videos.

Home phone number's
on the back.

Excuse me?

I'm not a piece of meat put on
this earth for your gratification.

I'm a woman.

Respect me, or I will castrate
you like a three-year-old steer.

(BARKING)

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

Look sharp.
We got something.

(CONTINUES BARKING)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

Oh, yeah, that's a Deado.

NICK: That has got
to be Hayes' fence.

(CRACKS)

We stay on the gold.
I got this.

Hold up.
Daddy's on point.

No thanks,
I've seen you in action.

You questioning my methods?

You don't have a method.

Excuse me, sir.
A quick word?

Freezer.

ROY: Allow me.

My bad.

PULASKI: Let me guess.

R.I.P.D., huh?

(LAUGHING)

Great looks, man!

You, with your Panda
Express over there.

Easy with the racial.

And you, with your...

Watch it!

...magnificent breasts.

Hey, sideburns,
tell us about the gold.

Look, we're all friends here.

(COUGHING)

Let's help each other out.

You don't want to get popped, and
I don't want to pop you.

Oh, you don't?
No.

So you're just gonna give us that
case, you're gonna start talking,

and then you get to
keep roaming around

with your bitchin'
ginger sideburns.

(SIGHS)

You know what?

I'm sick of hiding.

(SNORTING)

Whoo! (GRUNTS)

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

(GRUNTING)

That's better!
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

(LAUGHING)

Hell, yeah. Let's do this!

ROY: Contain!

Contain!

(LAUGHING)

Didn't contain!

(GRUNTING)

Suck it.

Oh!
Straight butt!

Come on!

It's rodeo time.

Pappy's got some roping to do!

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHING)

How about a little help?

(GRUNTING)

(ROY'S AVATAR YELPING)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

Okay.

Are you okay?
Somebody call 911!

I'm okay. Nothing to see.

Got to go!

Hey!

(GRUNTING)

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

(CROWD GASPING)

The head!
Aim for the head!

Still here, you son of a bitch!

(WHOOPING)

(GROANS)

Ow! My ass!

MAN: What is that?

(GRUNTING)

(YELLING)

Whoo-hoo!

Coming through!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Excuse me, pardon me.
Yeehaw!

(ROARS)

Here I come!

Yeah.

(DEADO LAUGHING)

Relax body.

(WHOOPING)

ROY: Whoo-hoo!
(NICK SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

(PANTING)

ROY: Rook!

Over here!

If it's not too much trouble.

(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(GASPS)

Thank you very much.

(DEADO LAUGHING)

I've never seen
one like that before.

Never!

Never before has this happened!

Congratulations, guys, on
your unprecedented cock-up!

All right!

You let an exposed Deado loose on the
streets in the middle of the day.

You were supposed to contain.
That is your most basic job.

There was no containing that thing. And
you failed spectacularly to contain.

He's right, sweetie pie.
It was different.

We have evidence.

You don't investigate, you don't get creative.
You do as you're told.

When you don't, this happens.

It was terrifying.

Whatever rampaged through the streets
of Boston today was not human.

Now look where we are.
You get to deal with them.

Who in this endless stream
of freaks is "them"?

Eternal Affairs.
The hammer's dropping.

(RUMBLING)

Well?

They're pissed.
Justifiably.

However, apparently, you stumbled
upon something important.

(LAUGHS) Don't act
so surprised, honey pot.

The gold that officers Pulsipher
and Walker brought in

are part of an incredibly
dangerous artifact

known as the Staff of Jericho.

Oh, crap.

Maybe feather it in for
the new guy a little bit?

Remember the tunnel we pulled
you out of when you died?

That's the only way to get to the afterlife.
It's a one-way street.

This artifact, if built,
reverses the tunnel.

The dead rain
down on the earth.

That's it for the living world.

Yeah, massive destruction.

We broke it to pieces 3,000 years ago.
Now it's back.

Until we get the rest of the
gold, we're on red alert.

Also, apparently, you need
"the blood of thine enemy."

There are more diagrams.

Why?

Why would someone
make something like that?

Come on!

Here I am, willing
the streets into order,

making headway,
year after dominant year!

And now, everything I've
done is being threatened

because of some ancient
totem forged for kicks

by some asshole
5,000 years ago?

Why even try? I mean, how
am I supposed to do it?

Look at you.
So proud of yourself.

"I got an important tube."

(CHUCKLES)

What?

Well, what is it?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Actually,

it looks like
you two don't need to

concern yourselves
with the red alert.

It brings me no pleasure

to inform you that because
of your recent epic failure,

you've both been suspended,
you're off the case.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What?

Hold on a sec, we are the case.

We're the ones
who brought it in!

The feeling is that
luck was involved.

There'll be
a formal hearing tomorrow,

after which you'll
most likely be erased.

"Erased"?

So in this moment of crisis,
they're gonna suspend

and then erase
their best officer?

And this other guy?

Better officers
are taking over.

No such thing. Name one.

Jacobson, DuBow.

Waterson.
Come on.

Carson.

Jackson.
He's pretty good.

That guy who works
at the taco cart.

Shall I go on?
Okay, okay!

Tomorrow is my last day?

Most likely.

I'm sorry.

Well, shit.

Miss Proctor,
it's been a delight.

Roy, thank you very much
for your mentorship.

I'm sure it meant a lot to you.

I got somewhere
more important to be.

(PANTING)

Who are you?

Why are you following me?

Stay away from me.

I haven't left you.

It's me.

No.

ROY: So.

Congratulations.
You finally did it.

You get what you wanted?

I might get erased tomorrow.
What do you think I'm gonna do?

You're freaking her out,
if you haven't noticed.

I'm not from a time of
sensitivities and emotionalism.

And yes, in my day, I
bought my love by the hour.

But I do know that what
you're doing is not helping.

It's called haunting, hoss.
You're causing her pain.

Why do you think we're here?

Why we do what we do?

It's so that Julia can
have a world to live in.

And, yeah,
that means without you.

She needs to survive you. Meet
someone new, maybe have a family.

Because you are
not coming back.

Even

The job is all you have now.

Well, we don't
have the job anymore.

Nick.

Resolve your crap.
Do like me.

Like you?

Yes, emulate my peace.

Your Zen-like calm?

It's taken me a very long
time to achieve this state.

You could get there, too,
but for your weakness.

You know what?
I've had it.

I can't listen to one more self-righteous
chestnut out of your mouth.

I don't want to live
in your weird past with you.

Speaking of which,
those coyotes...

You be careful now.

Those coyotes who ate your bones
and crapped out your face?

In that story,
the coyotes are the heroes.

Hey.

You may think the Old West
was all shits and giggles,

and sarsaparilla
and two-cent whores.

It wasn't!

It was smelly, it was violent.

It was ridden with dysentery
and no-account Injuns.

I've had a lot of anger
to get past, okay?

And you...

You, Nick, are
bringing a lot of shit out

that I've been suppressing
for a very long time!

One of them coyotes,

he made love to my skull.

Do you know what that
practice is commonly called?

I do.

And I certainly hope
he got both eyes, Roy.

ROY: (SINGING) Words,
like daggers stab our heart

Boys

Gotta be the better man

The song is called Better Man.

Yeah, I got that.

People,
they can break your heart

Boys

Like no coyote ever can

Maybe I took things
a little too far.

"Maybe"?

I'm sorry.

You ought to take up
an instrument, Nick.

It might be
a tuneful way for you

to spend what may
be your last moments.

You were right
about the job, Roy.

We gotta get back out there.

"Sus-pen-dato."

If they want me back,
they're gonna have to beg.

I'm not gonna take
this lying down. You?

Are you gonna
sit there and mope?

Or do you want to help me
stop an apocalypse?

When you put it that way, hell,

you kind of
paint me into a corner.

I know Hayes is sitting
on some of that gold.

There's no way
he's just a bagman.

Let me ask you something.

Did he like Indian food?

He was not a fan.

But something's bugging me.

I rode with this guy for five
years, I never noticed any kind of

"soul stank."

I heard talk of a rare kind of
artifact that could mask it.

Like a spiritual deodorant.

It would be something he
carried with him all the time.

Like Grandma's
Saint Christopher medal.

ROY: That'd do her.

Let's go pop
the son of a bitch.

(ACCORDION PLAYS OFF-KEY NOTE)

Do you know what to do?

Oh, yeah. I've been
waiting a long time for this.

You've been
waiting a long time?

Do you know how many years Deados
have been trying to pull this off?

Three thousand.

Not one of those jag-offs could
get all that gold together,

until me.

(LAUGHS EVILLY)

R.I.P.D. is not
gonna know what hit them.

Now, go find
yourself some trouble.

My pleasure.

BOBBY: Hey, Julia.

Hey. I need to talk to you.

Something really
strange happened to me.

What's going on?

I was at the track last night,

and do you remember
that guy at the funeral?

The little Chinese guy?

The one who was yelling?

Slow down, slow down.
Take a deep breath.

I don't know.
Somehow, I feel like

it's Nick who's
trying to talk to me.

Okay.

I know it sounds crazy.

I know you miss him.
I miss him, too.

I don't think you
should be alone right now.

I'm gonna come pick you up, and
I'm gonna take you to lunch

and we could talk
about everything.

All right?

Okay.

All right.
Thank you for this.

Absolutely.
I'll see you later.

Take the front.
I'll go around back.

Works for me.

(WOLF-WHISTLE)

Bobby Hayes?

Yeah?

I need to ask you
a few questions

involving a tandoori clay oven.

Sweetheart, you can ask
me anything you want.

Make yourself comfortable.

How about
a little drinky-poo?

Sure. I'll wet my beak.

Coming right up.

Are you looking for this?

Nice moves,

Nick.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, tough look to pull off.

I'm getting used to it.
(CHUCKLING)

You know, it was just business.

(COCKS RIFLE)
Make a move, please.

ROY: Easy, Nick.

"It's late on Ash Wednesday."

We can skip that part, Roy.

Take off the Saint
Christopher's medal.

Now.

Okay.

Powerful stank.

Where's the gold, dead man?

Check the water heater.

Freaking super cop, here.

ROY: All right, saddle up.

We're gonna ride you in.

I know it's wrong,

but the whole cowboy-talk thing,
it's kind of working for me.

(SIGHS)

(SIRENS WAILING)

What do you got to smile about?

(GOLD THUDS)

Hey, how do you like
working with this guy?

He hangs on a little
tight to stuff, huh?

What we got together is
none of your damn business.

Where's the rest
of the gold, Hayes?

See what I mean?
He won't let it die.

Hey, Nick,
remember when I got shot?

I got that medal, and you couldn't
believe I pulled through?

Wild guess,
you didn't pull through?

Get killed by some
junkie and go to hell

because I took a little on the
side to pay for lap dances?

No. I don't think so.

Who gets to make that call?
I don't accept it.

Hey, let me ask you something.

What do you think eternal
punishment is gonna be like, Hayes?

Hell can kiss my ass.

I'm staying right here.

"Lap dancing."

OFFICER: That's a nice look you got.
That's nice, with the face and the hair.

All right, sit down.

Hey. You might
want to book that gold

before your partner
gets his hands on it.

What's this?

That's personal.

Then it gets booked,

along with this gold
that I brought in.

That's right, doll face. Despite
my chicken-shit suspension.

I'm available for
a tutorial-type thing,

if you or the guys
want a few tips.

Maybe get yourselves
up near my level.

Why did I have to love you?

We had a beautiful
moment in time.

Catastrophic mistake.

Run it down, but you
felt what you felt.

Take a seat.

This is good,
it's gonna help me

get over the
shot-in-the-face thing.

Whatever is waiting for you on
the other side is gonna be bad.

Don't worry, it's only forever.

ROY: Stash this gold
with the rest of it.

And here.

Hey, we just booked
something just like this.

It's in the basket over there.

You're gonna need to
fill out another form.

I'd love to. I've got
nothing else better to do.

There's one decent thing
about being a Deado, right?

Mmm-hmm.

We can't hear certain
frequencies so well.

(DEADOS CHUCKLE)

Roy!

(YELLING)

(ROY GROANS)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Come on, Nicky.

You thought I'd
let you bring me here

if I didn't want to
be here all along?

Isn't this thing sweet?

It freezes you guys up,
does nothing to us.

They got one of these
artifacts for everything.

(GROANING)

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Go, go, go!
Come on!

Get the gold.
Take everything!

MALE DEADO: It's all there?

Uh-huh.

Catch!

Fill up all these hands.
Come on!

Let's go! Let's go!

What's up?

MALE DEADO 1: Peace.

MALE DEADO 2: Flush it.

No! The gold!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Here, boss.

I got it all.

I'm on it.

Daddy's got gold!

Let's build it, boys!

(ALL GRUNTING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Yeah!

Oh. yeah!

(LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

Damn it!
It's jammed up.

(GRUNTING)

Just like Main Street,
Dodge City.

Them dudes,

they picked the wrong venue
to make a stand.

I invented this shit.

(GRUNTING)

Hot!

I fixed it! Yeah! Phew!

(CRACKING)

Go time!

Let's learn you a few things
about Old West fighting.

First,

only a novice hides
in a church steeple.

It's the first place
I'm gonna look.

Second place,
hotel window, every time.

Hmm.

I guess there's only
one novice in their crew.

Sometimes, the window
guy is on the roof.

I haven't seen that before.

Must be the massive destruction
Proctor was talking about.

ROY: Saddle up!

MALE OFFICER: Hey, Julia.

Hayes sent us to
give you a lift.

Guys, I can still drive.

It's pretty hairy out there.

He's just worried about you.

Close it up.

All right. Lock it up.

Nobody gets through
to the Commonwealth building.

Nobody!

(GRUNTING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Looks like the big one is right
over the Commonwealth building.

That's where he'll be headed.

Yeah. Good read.

You're agreeing with me?
That's weird.

Yeah. Feels strange.

Kind of tingly.

Deados on wheels.

That's disappointing.

I was hoping to get
a little break here.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Make it go away, Nick!

I got it.

Holy shit!

(ROY SCREAMING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(LAUGHS)

That actually scared
the shit out of me.

BOBBY: Get the gold up top.

I gotta wait for
the final piece.

Hey. Are you okay?

What the hell is going on?

Lots going on. I'm glad
you're here with me.

We need to get inside.

Listen. There's something
I should tell you.

It's something
I've been hiding.

Bobby, I think it can wait.

And it might
seem a little weird.

But I think you should just
try to keep an open mind,

and not judge right away, okay?

(SNORTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

Oh-ho!

Eh?

(SCREAMING)

FEMALE REPORTER: Skycam 4 is on the
scene with continuing coverage.

MALE REPORTER: We are looking
down on the Commonwealth building

which is swarming with, there's
really no other way to say this,

monsters.

I urge everyone to stay inside
until this situation...

Dave!

Wicked.

Looks like they
built a barricade.

(YELLING)

And there's Fat Elvis.

Hit him in the jiggly.

Whoa!

Hi! Whoa!

(GROANS)

Not bad!

My door!

Can't shake me!

Still here, dicks!

Oh.

(GRUNTING)

BOTH: Relax body.

(GRUNTING)

Death.

ROY: I hope they have
an elevator.

Oh, shit.

Reverse the tunnel,
the dead come pouring back.

We stay here forever.

Kind of
a high-five moment.

All we gotta do is
fire up this bad boy.

Yeah!

Okay.

This is where it gets
a little uncomfortable.

There's no great way to say
this, so I'll just say it.

These ancient things, they
often involve an element of,

I don't want to say
"human sacrifice,"

but human sacrifice.

I'll jump before
you can even touch me.

Julia, come on. Be cool.

This is an honor. I'm trusting
you with the heavy shit.

Julia!

Oh-ho! Just in time.

Bobby! Don't!

(GROANING)

No!

Move!

(GUNS CLICKING)

Nice shot.

I'm gonna go get Julia.
You take care of the Staff.

That golden pecker
is coming down.

You frosty?

Icy hot, partner.

(GRUNTING)

(CLICKS)

What now, Nick?

You know, it didn't
have to be Julia,

but I just couldn't resist
bringing it full circle.

Come on.
It's good, right?

(GRUNTING)

Ow!

Get over here!

(GRUNTING)

How's it coming, Roy?

It's harder than it looks!

(YELLING)

Killing you never
gets old, Nicky.

Any time now!

I hear you!

NICK: Come on, Roy!

Do some cowboy stuff!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Please!

Roy!

(GRUNTING)

There it is.

(GROANS)

No.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(COCKS)

Well, partner.

I have a new partner.

(GASPING)

(EXHALING)

(GASPS)

I missed you.

I missed you so much.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

It's okay,
you're back with me now.

That's all I wanted.

But not like this.

Julia,
you gotta live your life,

without me.

I don't want to say goodbye.

You can't stay here.

It's okay.

Go.

I will always love you.

Goodbye.

(GASPS)

(HEART MONITOR BEEPING)

She's gonna be okay.

Thank you.

You owe me for that.

Let's settle up.

Sure.

I would like to be allowed
to design my own medal.

Not so fast.

The Eternals went ahead and had

your disciplinary
hearing without you.

While we were saving the world?

Nick, as a new recruit, you've
been let off with a warning.

Reasonable.

Roy, as punishment...
"Punishment"?

Yes. Fifty-three more years
have been added to your term.

Fifty-three years?

That's a lot.

This is
honky-tonk bullshit.

You just like having me
around, don't you, Mildred?

My hat.

(LAUGHS)

You went off and found it?

I guess I could've bought
you flowers once or twice.

I like violets.

She "billy goat-ed" me.

It's something we used to do.

Why she covers up them ankles
with them damn white boots

I'll never understand.

Fifty-three more years, huh?

Well, I still got
some things to work on.

Hell, this is the third time
I've been extended.

Oh, say, I got you something.

What's this?

I knew you weren't happy
with Grandpa Chen,

so I pulled a few strings,
got you some new ID.

Thank you. Thank you, Roy.
I mean that.

This is great.

Oh, you gotta be shitting me.

I did what I could.
Inventory is what it is.

You thought this was an improvement?
(CHUCKLES)