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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:12,685
Five. One, two, three, four, five. Fuel.
2
00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:15,561
Well?
3
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:18,485
Hmm. What to do, what to do?
4
00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:27,761
"Free fuel, get refuel
for free and throw again."
5
00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:29,001
Let's see.
6
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,529
How come you keep getting great cards?
7
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,205
It's a mystery, isn't it?
8
00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:38,363
I've never been
beaten at Mynopoly, Lister.
9
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,165
Undefeated since birth.
10
00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:46,086
In the Space Scouts, my game play was
so legendary they called me Minotaur.
11
00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:49,682
Is that 'cause you were
half a man who was full of bull?
12
00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:55,842
Because I was like the mythological
beast that no one could pass.
13
00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:58,526
Well, you'd better not throw
a two and a one then, Rimmer.
14
00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:01,001
Throw a two and a one
and land on my space station,
15
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,969
and your bank is rupted, baby.
16
00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:07,927
Lister, I'm not going to throw a two
and a one, the odds of that are...
17
00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:12,768
18-to-1, it's not happening.
18
00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:14,001
I win.
19
00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:16,890
You can't complain about
anything I do for an entire week.
20
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,371
I remember the deal.
21
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,321
I win, I can move my lips when I read,
22
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:24,404
I can leave pizza on the floor
so that you step in it,
23
00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:27,131
I can even snore
like an inebriated warthog
24
00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:29,771
and you can't throw
frozen onion bhajis at me.
25
00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:33,482
The good times are gonna roll.
26
00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:35,927
Lister, there's only
gonna be one winner here...
27
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:37,570
And that's votrus truly.
28
00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:40,883
And when I do, as agreed,
29
00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:43,642
you are going to wear
an evening gown day and night
30
00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:46,803
until you can play James Last's
Polka Party on the bagpipes.
31
00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:51,005
Here we go,
anything but a two and a one.
32
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,771
- A two and a one, come to Daddy.
- No willing it.
33
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,241
I'm willing it,
I'm allowed to will it, I'm willing it.
34
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:58,527
Stop willing it, you're good
at willing it, no willing it.
35
00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:02,041
Come on.
36
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,206
It doesn't count, it doesn't count,
37
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:12,041
one of the dice came off the table.
Re-throw required.
38
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:21,761
It doesn't count, I used my hands,
an illegal move, naughty me.
39
00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:23,001
Re-throw required.
40
00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:29,247
5,382-to-1, no chance.
41
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,086
You couldn't make this up.
42
00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:38,487
Wait.
43
00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:48,727
You throw.
44
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:52,847
Swap chairs.
45
00:03:58,400 --> 00:03:59,447
Th row.
46
00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:09,287
Do you now accept that you threw a two
and a one and you lost this game?
47
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:21,325
Okay, I accept it.
48
00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:24,691
Just lucky for you
I'm such a good loser!
49
00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:40,366
Hey.
50
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:43,842
This green blinky thing,
we any idea what it is yet?
51
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,445
It's an escape pod, sir,
52
00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:49,127
and it seems to be emitting
an unclassified energy field
53
00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:52,841
that's causing minute disruptions
to everything in the local vicinity.
54
00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:54,526
Pretty much as I figured then.
55
00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:58,726
Talk in English, would you?
I'm not fluent in gibberish.
56
00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:03,725
This is the SS Samsara
escape pod, Ident 12/Beta 2,
57
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,245
can you read me? Over.
58
00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:08,770
Yes, we copy. Ident 12/Beta 2.
59
00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:11,088
This is very important, you must...
60
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:16,040
What happened? Did we lose the link?
61
00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:20,281
No matter, sir, I'll remote control
the pod into the Cargo Bay.
62
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:27,961
Mmm.
63
00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:30,964
Who eats ice cream in bed?
64
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:32,485
- It's just utterly...
- Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
65
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,161
No complaining.
66
00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:39,007
And no complaining about not being
able to complain about not complaining.
67
00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:42,763
An entire week without
being moaned at by you.
68
00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:44,525
It doesn't get better than this.
69
00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:47,048
Do you know what
the difference is between you and me?
70
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:49,568
I can't store
hand luggage in me nostrils.
71
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:56,441
I am cursed.
72
00:05:57,760 --> 00:05:58,921
I remember the day it happened.
73
00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:01,806
I was nine years old,
and this busker claimed
74
00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:04,804
he was an alien who wanted
to sell me some lucky space dust.
75
00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:09,651
Even at nine I was no fool,
I knew he was real.
76
00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:16,165
But all I had was my hover fare to get
me home from baton twirling practise.
77
00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:21,087
And as I walked off,
he cursed me for life
78
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,083
and I've never had any luck since.
79
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:27,442
It was just some homeless bloke,
Rimmer, trying to make a buck,
80
00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:29,727
you can't take
things like that seriously.
81
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,923
Smeg happens, you just roll with it.
82
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:36,370
I've been rolling in smeg
my whole damn life, Lister.
83
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:39,882
Don't lecture me about smeg rolling.
84
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:42,521
I never get the breaks.
85
00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:44,524
Oh, here we go, whereas you...
86
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,409
- Whereas you...
- Lead a charmed life.
87
00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:48,323
Lead a charmed life.
Well, it's true, you do.
88
00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:51,530
I'm alone in deep space with you,
how charmed is that?
89
00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:55,001
The crew got wiped out,
you survived, that's charmed.
90
00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:58,482
I survived to live the rest of
my life with you, not charmed.
91
00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:01,244
I'm dead, how unlucky is that?
92
00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:04,961
You're dead, but you're still
talking to me, how unlucky is that?
93
00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:06,601
Bing bong.
94
00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:10,447
Sorry, sirs, the bing-bong machine
is being serviced this evening.
95
00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:12,045
I'm afraid we're on manual.
96
00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:16,641
Sorry to disturb, but we've salvaged
an escape pod with two survivors,
97
00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:20,802
one Colonel Jim Green
and one Professor Rachel Barker.
98
00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:22,530
We're just about to open the booth
99
00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,285
and take them to the science room
for debriefing.
100
00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:26,964
Message ends. Bing bong.
101
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,891
Acting Senior
Commanding Officer Arnold J. Rimmer,
102
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,405
an absolute pleasure to meet you.
103
00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:38,083
Sir, Colonel Green and Professor Barker.
104
00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:42,681
They're dead.
105
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:45,964
Hey, the medical reports aren't in yet,
we shouldn't jump to conclusions.
106
00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:50,688
We spoke to Barker
then the link went down.
107
00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:52,842
When we opened the pod,
we discovered this.
108
00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:54,046
What happened?
109
00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:55,849
Well, they appear to
have been vaporised, sir.
110
00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:57,490
Quite how and why we're not sure.
111
00:07:57,760 --> 00:07:58,841
What do we know about them?
112
00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:01,008
Well, the log tells us that Green
113
00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:04,323
was the ship's human
exploration and mission director.
114
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:06,051
Barker was a computer scientist,
115
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:09,000
they were both married,
but not to each other.
116
00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:11,560
Surprising, they look like
they'd be the perfect match.
117
00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:17,007
What became of the ship
the escape pod escaped from?
118
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,366
The SS Samsara.
119
00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:20,449
Have we any idea what happened to them?
120
00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:22,682
Well, judging from
the pod's flight recorder
121
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:24,330
and the fact that there's no wreckage,
122
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:27,324
we believe the ship must've
crashed onto this ocean moon.
123
00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:29,483
It seems to me we should do two things.
124
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:33,246
One, scatter the ashes
and two, find this ship.
125
00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:41,161
Onto two then, find the ship.
126
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:11,651
So, what are
we hoping to find here?
127
00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,411
Faster-than-light drive,
quantum computer.
128
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,406
Well, to be honest,
I'd settle for a bubble gum dispenser.
129
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,081
Wow.
130
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:23,769
I wonder what happened
to Barker and Green.
131
00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:26,648
Wrist, please? Thank you.
132
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:28,681
Wrist, please?
133
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:31,882
Sirs, Professor Barker
reporting for duty.
134
00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:34,844
Welcome to the Samsara, Professor.
135
00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:36,490
- This is my colleague Colonel Green.
- Barker.
136
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,321
We were both stationed on Cacos 12, sir.
137
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,644
Ah, Cacos 12. Of course, yes.
138
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:44,041
We discovered my wife attended
the same college as your husband.
139
00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:45,766
- Yeah.
- I must get on,
140
00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:47,080
I'll catch up with you later, Jim.
141
00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:52,049
Now, remind me, you were
a computer scientist specialising in...
142
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:53,610
What was it again?
143
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:55,569
I've missed you so much.
144
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:56,971
I thought you would
never get the transfer.
145
00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:58,087
Nor me.
146
00:09:58,160 --> 00:09:59,366
Let's go to my quarters.
147
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:05,960
Look at this dust.
148
00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:07,401
I love dust.
149
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:10,324
After fluff,
it's my all-time favourite dirt.
150
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:14,320
Do you have any idea what
caused this crate to crash?
151
00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:15,921
Nothing yet, sir.
152
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:20,483
It's a state-of-the-art research ship
with self-repairing engine parts.
153
00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:22,562
Crashing should've
been out of the question.
154
00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:24,247
What's this?
155
00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:32,762
Well, I can see why they crashed.
156
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,444
Tell me about it.
157
00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:38,002
How can you fly a space ship and at
the exact same time all play Twister?
158
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:42,843
I don't think it was Twister
they were playing.
159
00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:45,171
Not properly, that's for sure.
160
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:50,642
Twister is a three-player game,
everyone here's just waded right in.
161
00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:55,847
Hey, wait your turn, buddy,
what's the rush?
162
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,162
This is worse than
fresher's week at art school.
163
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,122
How did they die like this?
It doesn't make sense.
164
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:06,802
According to the SI scan,
they were flash-heated to death.
165
00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:10,729
An instant blast of extreme
temperature killing them instantly
166
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:13,441
but preserving their body positions.
167
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:14,567
Spooky.
168
00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:16,127
Agreed, sir.
169
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:19,206
A cold chill has just
run straight down my spine.
170
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,641
That was me, I just spilt
some lager down your back.
171
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:25,641
Who turned that on?
172
00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:28,562
The mainframe probably detected us.
173
00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:29,807
Check this.
174
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:32,401
Hmm.
175
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:36,129
According to his dog tag,
this man was the captain, Tom Kendri.
176
00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:38,005
Indecipherable gibberish.
177
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:40,010
What kind of writing's that? GELF?
178
00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:42,003
Looks like Welsh after about 15 pints.
179
00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:45,405
Strange, that dialect
is not on my database.
180
00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:47,768
Maybe it is Welsh after about 15 pints.
181
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:49,361
I wonder.
182
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,641
Sir, do you mind sitting down?
183
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,007
What, me?
184
00:11:57,440 --> 00:11:58,885
Dictation on.
185
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,809
- Permission to strangle you, sir?
- What?
186
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:02,167
Granted.
187
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:16,043
So, maybe, the captain was strangled
by this person here who's been stabbed.
188
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,242
Perhaps the next hub will offer a clue.
189
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,448
Thanks for that, Kryten,
very well explained.
190
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:28,807
Jim, I'm so sorry I'm late.
191
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:30,211
It's all right, it's only been an hour.
192
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:32,601
I think I must've eaten
some bad fish last night,
193
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:33,886
I've been feeling really ill.
194
00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:35,841
Shall we go to your place?
195
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:40,047
- Oh. What happened to your back?
- Herniated disc.
196
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:41,610
I've been having
the worst luck recently.
197
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:56,802
Nothing of interest here,
let's try the next one.
198
00:12:57,120 --> 00:13:01,364
Look at this, a one-armed bandit.
How cool is this?
199
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:03,487
I need a coin.
200
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:09,566
I'm an orphan, ain't I?
201
00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:11,609
Why can't I take money
from the orphan fund?
202
00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:14,167
- Are you really gonna take it?
- Who's gonna know?
203
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,641
Only you... and your conscience.
204
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:18,685
Forever.
205
00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:20,605
Just relax, would you?
206
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:36,765
- Ooh. What was that?
- What was what?
207
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:39,727
Something just dripped
on my head from the ceiling.
208
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,609
- Where?
- Up there, I think.
209
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:46,090
What the hell is happening?
210
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:47,605
Get me out of this thing!
211
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:49,011
I'll get something to cut it.
212
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:50,241
Don't move.
213
00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:52,049
Like I'm going to move.
214
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:53,561
Sorry.
215
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:03,640
I saved you, bud.
216
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:11,926
Don't move.
217
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:14,682
I got a knife in my foot,
you think I can move?
218
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:16,571
I'm just going to ease it out.
219
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:19,041
- Ease it out, right?
- Nice and easy.
220
00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:20,645
And you're not just saying that
to make me relax
221
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:23,326
'cause you think the best thing to
do is to jerk that sucker out of there
222
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:25,010
with one big-ass yank?
223
00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:28,848
I had no choice,
it was the only way to get it out.
224
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:30,605
Huh?
225
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:32,606
I think I've gone blind!
226
00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:36,763
It must be something to do with my foot.
227
00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:39,885
I got foot and eye disease.
228
00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:43,887
Cat, relax man, it's just a power cut.
229
00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:45,407
What a relief.
230
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:48,440
For a second there,
I thought I'd never see myself again.
231
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:52,763
Plus, having to
choose an outfit everyday
232
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:54,330
that matches your guide dog.
233
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:56,967
Don't even go there.
234
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:00,005
- What was that?
- The door's locking?
235
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:04,167
Sir, the doors are double-sealed,
we'll never get through.
236
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:05,287
So what do we do?
237
00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:07,489
I suggest we head for the next chamber
238
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:10,484
and see if there's an access port
back to the main hub.
239
00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:14,566
- Where's your torch?
- I left it in the other chamber.
240
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,802
I left mine too,
I can't see a thing.
241
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,644
Give my eyes a minute to adjust.
242
00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:21,246
Oh, wow.
243
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,804
What? They're readjusting?
What do you see?
244
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:25,811
That it's really dark.
245
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:28,600
Can't you see that?
246
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:33,284
Of course I can see that, you smegger,
but you can see in the dark, right?
247
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:35,647
With your super see-ey
cat's eyes, right?
248
00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:37,210
And you can swing from trees, right?
249
00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:39,248
With your super swinging
monkey arms, right?
250
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,402
- We evolved.
- So did we.
251
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:45,801
Who would evolve
so that they can't see in the dark?
252
00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:48,360
Who evolves so
you can't swing from trees?
253
00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:51,450
You'd never be late for anything.
254
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:55,361
Kryten, Rimmer, help!
255
00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:58,969
I suppose we just got to sit tight.
256
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,087
I'm going to fix my foot.
257
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,328
I'll get the first aid kit,
you just sit down.
258
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,246
I can't see a thing.
259
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:39,246
Ooh!
260
00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:44,651
What the hell was that?
261
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:46,484
The ship's slipping into the mush.
262
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:49,521
We're gonna die, I just know it!
263
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:52,009
How come you're so damn chill?
264
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:53,844
We've got to stay cool, haven't we?
265
00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:55,650
Don't want the ship sliding any more.
266
00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:58,367
We'll sit tight here, fix your foot,
267
00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:01,605
wait for the others to find us
and then we'll get out of town.
268
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:06,005
You're right. Stay calm.
We got food, water, everything we need.
269
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:10,850
You and me, we could survive in
here for days, weeks, months even.
270
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,081
Just the two of us.
271
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,006
Kryten!
272
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:22,480
Sir, are you okay?
273
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:23,641
I think so.
274
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:32,886
What is that?
275
00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:35,044
I believe it's a Karma Drive, sir.
276
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:36,481
A what?
277
00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:38,961
It's based on the old justice world tech
278
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:41,486
where the pain
an individual inflicts on another
279
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:45,565
is redirected back on them,
with one important difference.
280
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:47,722
The Karma Drive has two modes,
281
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,246
a punishment setting
and a reward setting.
282
00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:51,446
What's the point of that?
283
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,611
They were designed
for long-haul space missions.
284
00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:56,967
They were intended to promote teamwork,
285
00:17:57,040 --> 00:18:00,283
reward kindness,
understanding and ethical behaviour.
286
00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:01,805
So how does it work exactly?
287
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:05,602
Well, it creates a karma field that
analyses behaviour
288
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:09,082
and then manipulates reality
to reward or punish.
289
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:12,047
So when you behave ethically,
the ship rewards you.
290
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:13,527
How?
291
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:17,764
Well, your coffee is fresh,
your shower is warm, your food is tasty.
292
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:19,291
But that doesn't make sense.
293
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:21,966
Morality changes
across time and cultures.
294
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,281
Once slavery was
an accepted way of life,
295
00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:26,488
now it's considered repugnant.
296
00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:28,683
Who decides what's immoral and moral?
297
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,484
Well, it's programmable, sir,
298
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:33,564
and that's what made the Karma Drive
such a dangerous piece of kit.
299
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:36,491
Anyone can implement
their moral code of their choice
300
00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:38,403
and then force others to live by it.
301
00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:42,406
I wonder if that's what happened to me
on Red Dwarf when I lost at Mynopoly.
302
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:46,250
Did Red Dwarf
enter the Karma Drive's field?
303
00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:48,927
Was the drive
manipulating the dice somehow?
304
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:50,486
I don't understand, sir.
305
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:53,849
I threw a two and a one seven times
in a row, what are the odds of that?
306
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:56,049
62 million-to-one, sir.
307
00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:59,205
About the same odds
as being killed by a tangerine.
308
00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:04,521
Why punish me?
I wasn't doing anything wrong.
309
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:07,322
Kryten, this Karma Drive
is too unpredictable,
310
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:09,004
we've got to get out of here pronto.
311
00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:11,048
Sir, there is no cause for alarm,
312
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:12,605
we're under no danger
313
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:16,207
as long as we don't do anything
vindictive, selfish or unethical.
314
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:18,165
Kryten, we're in big trouble.
315
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,570
Sir, you just have to be nice to me.
316
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:23,810
Big, big trouble.
317
00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:27,131
The Karma Drive report has
just come down from central ops
318
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:28,770
and it doesn't make
for pleasant reading.
319
00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:31,847
You both have committed
a whole range of misdemeanours.
320
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,251
There's a Karma Drive on board?
321
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:36,290
Last week alone,
extra marital sex 18 times,
322
00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:39,400
extra marital fondling 67 times,
323
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:41,363
extra marital licking
whipped cream off another's...
324
00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:43,808
- We get the picture.
- It goes on.
325
00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:47,569
You, Rachel, have lied this week
to your husband and others 93 times.
326
00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:48,801
That's just not true.
327
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:49,961
94 times.
328
00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:53,646
You've been unkind 20 times,
criticised others 40 times
329
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:55,051
and not said thank you twice.
330
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:57,521
Captain, we're in love.
331
00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:00,683
When you signed up
for this tour of duty, you agreed
332
00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:03,161
to abide by the moral code
selected for this ship.
333
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:05,527
So, we're all supposed
to live the mega core dream?
334
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:09,601
Where the married stay married
and sons call their fathers "sir"
335
00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:12,206
and everyone eats
lots of homemade apple pie?
336
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:15,370
You got it, so start squirting
your whipped cream on apple pie
337
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:17,329
and not on one another's body parts.
338
00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:23,331
Hey, good job on the foot, bud.
339
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:25,848
Yeah, I even managed to save the boot.
340
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:30,208
We've got to think of
a way to get out of here.
341
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:33,529
Ah, just give me like 10 minutes.
I bet I come up with a plan.
342
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:35,090
I get great ideas all the time.
343
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:36,810
I just don't say 'em out loud.
344
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:39,411
You say everything you think out loud.
345
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,526
I'm like that inventor guy,
that begins with R.
346
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:45,165
Rosenthal? Sidney Rosenthal?
347
00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:47,324
- Who?
- Invented the magic marker.
348
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:48,640
Magic marker?
349
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:50,529
The guy I'm talking about is real.
350
00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:54,009
He ain't no wizard out
of a book with his magic pen.
351
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:56,724
Inventor guy?
Begins with an R.
352
00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:58,811
I got it, I got it!
353
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:01,481
The inventor guy
I'm like, it begins with
354
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:03,649
- Who?
- Archimedes.
355
00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:07,166
Archimedes.
356
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:08,686
Archimedes.
357
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:11,087
The guy that sat under
trees and invented stuff.
358
00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:14,007
- That was Newton.
- You never heard the story?
359
00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:18,768
So, one day Archimedes
is sitting under a tree,
360
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:22,926
then, all of a sudden out of nowhere,
this bath hits him on the head, pow!
361
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:28,009
And he gets up, shouts, "Formica!"
and invents gravy.
362
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:35,328
It was Newton who was sat under
the tree and he discovered gravity
363
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:37,164
when he got hit on the head by an apple.
364
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:39,404
An apple can't concuss ya.
365
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:41,482
That ain't gonna
make you stagger around
366
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:43,244
shout, "Formica!" and invent gravy.
367
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:50,291
Formica is a heat-resistant,
wipe-clean, plastic laminate.
368
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:52,365
Who'd shout "Formica"?
369
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:55,205
It doesn't make any sense,
no one shouts, "Formica".
370
00:21:56,840 --> 00:22:00,128
You get hit on the head with a bath,
everyone shouts, "Formica!"
371
00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:05,641
Look, Archimedes discovered
something to do with water displacement
372
00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:09,361
when he was sat in the bath
and he shouted, "Eureka!"
373
00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:13,963
So, Mr Alan Einstein...
374
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,651
Answer me this, who invented gravy?
375
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:21,246
No one?
376
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:25,211
Did it just magically appear one day
like your stupid wizard pen?
377
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:29,404
I'm going to have some painkillers.
378
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:32,207
Okay, listen.
379
00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:36,604
Answer me this,
how does a bath fall out of a tree?
380
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:38,525
A plane, dummy.
381
00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:43,522
Taking off. They probably
forgot to shut the back door
382
00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:47,969
and the bath slipped
all the way from First Class,
383
00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:51,010
whoosh, through
the curtains into Business,
384
00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:54,209
whoosh, through
the curtains into Premium,
385
00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:55,805
whoosh, through the curtains
386
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:57,848
and straight into
the poor people section.
387
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:02,888
Coincidentally, probably still
haven't even had a bag of peanuts,
388
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:05,122
while the dudes in First
have already eaten,
389
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:08,044
watched the movie
and are all now having a bath.
390
00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:11,922
Meanwhile, Archi is sitting
under his tree?
391
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:14,409
Clang, invents gravy.
392
00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:21,642
Then, because everyone's so damn happy
because everyone loves gravy, right?
393
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:26,044
They gave him a special hat to wear
at night to cover up the bruising.
394
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:30,200
Special hat?
395
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:32,570
They gave him a knighthood.
396
00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:35,446
A knighthood.
397
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:40,247
Not a special hat to wear
at night to cover up the bruising.
398
00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:44,525
Man, I try to teach you stuff,
I don't know why I bother.
399
00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:48,241
What's that saying?
400
00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:51,689
You can lead a hearse to water,
but you can't make it sink.
401
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:56,166
Kryten!
402
00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:58,247
Help!
403
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:06,407
720 meters, sir,
the ship's nearly at crush depth.
404
00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:09,561
The Karma Drive
is controlling everything on board.
405
00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:11,529
We have to be kind to one another
406
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:14,410
to stand any chance
to save Mr Lister and Mr Cat.
407
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:16,649
An excellent suggestion, Kryten,
408
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:19,291
that's very insightful of you
to make such a helpful recommendation
409
00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:20,600
and I thank you greatly.
410
00:24:22,120 --> 00:24:23,167
Aah!
411
00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:24,287
Static.
412
00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:28,571
I was complimenting you.
Why did it punish me?
413
00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:30,928
Well, perhaps, it wasn't genuine, sir.
414
00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:33,203
I've got to be genuinely nice?
415
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:36,091
Oh, this is impossible.
416
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:38,926
- Oh, dear.
- What?
417
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:41,802
I think I know
what killed the crew, sir.
418
00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:43,890
The ship's quantum motherboards
419
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:46,201
are power loading
to flash-heat the ship.
420
00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:48,000
We're gonna get flash-heated?
421
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:50,321
- How long have we got?
- I'm not sure, sir.
422
00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:52,764
Why am I asking you?
423
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:55,002
Someone with a head
shaped like something produced
424
00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:56,809
in a geriatric's pottery class.
425
00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:01,241
Oh!
426
00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:03,090
The power loading has stopped, sir.
427
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:04,525
The temperature's cooling?
428
00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:06,967
- Why?
- Of course, that's it.
429
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:11,889
Man, she was the greatest
soldier in history,
430
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:13,804
led her people to victory.
431
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:16,371
Julie Caesar?
432
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:21,810
Kryten, thank God!
433
00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:22,961
Thank God.
434
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:25,050
No one should have to suffer like this.
435
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:27,766
He's right,
if I wasn't there for him to talk to,
436
00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:29,524
he'd probably have gone crazy.
437
00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:32,921
Kryten, man, it's so good to see you.
438
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:34,968
- Sir, stop!
- Stop what?
439
00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:39,170
You stand there with
your 1970s cover band haircut
440
00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:41,242
and I say to you don't be nice to me.
441
00:25:45,120 --> 00:25:46,804
We know what happened to Barker.
442
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:50,971
And Green.
443
00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:54,881
What happened to you?
444
00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:56,366
Your hair's insane.
445
00:25:56,440 --> 00:26:00,525
I went to the ship salon for a makeover.
Look what the robo-stylist did to me.
446
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:02,921
Yeah, similar thing
happened to me at the dentist.
447
00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:06,449
Every chance it gets,
the Karma Drive is punishing us,
448
00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:09,451
the showers are freezing,
the air-con's icy,
449
00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:10,885
I had to wait two hours yesterday...
450
00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:16,131
Have you tasted the food?
451
00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:21,529
Jim, I can't take this anymore.
452
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:23,768
- We've got no choice.
- Yes, we do.
453
00:26:24,360 --> 00:26:27,125
I am a computer scientist
for God's sakes.
454
00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:32,361
If I can access the KD's mainframe,
then perhaps I can reverse the protocol,
455
00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:36,127
give us some respite,
even if it is only for one night.
456
00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:37,727
Reverse?
457
00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:40,082
So, it rewards the unethical
and punishes the good?
458
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:43,607
Just the one night,
then we'll stop seeing each other
459
00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:45,686
till we get back home.
460
00:26:46,120 --> 00:26:48,487
Barker and Green reversed the protocols
461
00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:51,370
and, as a consequence,
good behaviour was punished
462
00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:53,727
and immoral behaviour was rewarded.
463
00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:56,721
Kryten just figured it out,
saved all our necks.
464
00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:58,564
Kryten, if you weren't so ugly,
I could kiss you.
465
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:00,770
Well, you could shake my hand, sir.
466
00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:02,321
Still too ugly.
467
00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:05,643
You see? Unkindness rewarded.
468
00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:07,326
This is all beginning to make sense.
469
00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:11,450
I mean, think back. I mean, the Cat
nicked the money out of the orphan fund
470
00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:12,931
to play the one-armed bandit.
471
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:14,365
And I won the jackpot.
472
00:27:14,440 --> 00:27:15,726
You were rewarded for stealing.
473
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:18,371
And I put the winnings
back into the orphan can
474
00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:20,090
and got me locks caught in a shredder.
475
00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:21,685
You were punished for being benevolent.
476
00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:24,043
I saved him and got a knife in my foot.
477
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:25,361
I fixed his foot...
478
00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:27,442
And he got to spend
quality time with me.
479
00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:31,931
Moving swiftly on.
480
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:33,604
Who reversed the protocols and why?
481
00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:36,850
Well, best guess, Green and
Barker were having an affair
482
00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:38,285
and wanted to spend time together.
483
00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:40,166
How sad is that?
484
00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:43,844
I mean, basically their love for one
another brought down the entire ship.
485
00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:45,685
One thing I don't understand.
486
00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:49,121
Well, actually there are about
40 things I don't understand.
487
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:55,331
How come Green and Barker weren't
flash-heated with the rest of the crew?
488
00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:59,041
While the rest of the crew
survived by acting immorally,
489
00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:01,691
Green and Barker
realised they could escape
490
00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:04,684
so long as that escape was unethical.
491
00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:07,491
So they took the ship's
only escape pod and fled.
492
00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:09,881
And then they went into
cryo-sleep for millions of years.
493
00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:11,007
Where they were safe.
494
00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:13,691
But when they tried to
warn us about the karma field,
495
00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:15,046
an act of kindness...
496
00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:16,885
The Karma Drive had them vaporised.
497
00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:18,520
So where does that leave us?
498
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:20,921
It leaves us getting
the hell out of here really carefully.
499
00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:23,483
We just have to remember
to avoid being honest,
500
00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:25,369
moral, kind, selfless and helpful.
501
00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:27,643
It's not fair,
you've got such an advantage.
502
00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:31,081
Hey, what's that?
503
00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:34,442
"Fuel tax, miss three goes."
504
00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:39,170
Hey, how come you got so many
Mynopoly cards in your pocket?
505
00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:46,363
♪ It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere ♪
506
00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:49,762
♪ I'm all alone, more or less ♪
507
00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:53,003
♪ Let me fly far away from here ♪
508
00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:55,924
♪ Fun, fun, fun ♪
509
00:28:56,120 --> 00:28:59,044
♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪
510
00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:03,041
♪ I want to lie,
shipwrecked and comatose ♪
511
00:29:03,120 --> 00:29:05,930
♪ Drinking fresh mango juice ♪
512
00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:09,641
♪ Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes ♪
513
00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:12,291
♪ Fun, fun, fun ♪
514
00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:15,682
♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪
515
00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:18,640
♪ Fun, fun, fun ♪
516
00:29:19,040 --> 00:29:21,520
♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪
40415
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