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1
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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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(BELL RINGS)
2
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MAN: Next up, an experiment
to measure peer pressure.
3
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How much is the individual
4
00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:46,799
influenced by the group?
5
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Seeing as Arnold Rimmer's late,
the subject of this experiment can be him.
6
00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:53,119
When he finally does us
the honour of turning up,
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I shall ask you a set of questions
and want you to answer accordingly.
8
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First day of term and I'm late!
9
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So embarrassing. He'll kill me.
10
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Ahh!
11
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Mr Rimmer!
12
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I hope we haven't inconvenienced you
too much by starting on time.
13
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Sorry, Father.
14
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I'm Father outside college.
15
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Inside college, I'm "sir"
or "Lecturer Rimmer", understand?
16
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Yes, Father.
17
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I mean, sir.
18
00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:26,439
So embarrassing.
19
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We're just about to run through
a few questions as part of psy profiling.
20
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OK,
21
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take a look at this colour.
22
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Is it purple, blue or green?
23
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Hands up, purple.
24
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Hands up, blue.
25
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Green.
26
00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:57,359
A Fallopian tube is a musical instrument.
27
00:01:57,480 --> 00:01:59,079
True or false?
28
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:00,399
True?
29
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What's the answer
to this piece of arithmetic?
30
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(ALARM BLARES)
31
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(SNORES)
32
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(WEAPON COCKS)
33
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You kills my brother.
34
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Hm?
35
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Oh, you got the wrong quarters, bud.
36
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You want Lister.
37
00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:22,519
That's two floors down,
second on the right, fourth on the left.
38
00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:23,799
Night!
39
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You kills my brother.
40
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One floor down, sir.
41
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Elevator at the end of the hallway.
42
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You kills my brother.
43
00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:52,279
Oh, smeg off, Rimmer.
I'm tryin' to sleep, man.
44
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(WEAPON FIRES)
45
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(COUGHS)
46
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- You kills my brother.
- No, I didn't.
47
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Oh, yes, you did.
48
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No, I smeggin' didn't.
49
00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:06,039
I are here to challenge
theys who kills my brother
50
00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:09,039
to a duel to the ungonising death.
51
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:12,759
I will give you five of your Earth minutes
and then...
52
00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:17,279
I will pursue you across space
unto the end of time itself.
53
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:22,559
I will not rest until you are chokin'
on your own warm blood.
54
00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:25,639
Sounds fair to me.
55
00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:28,159
Butt out, Rimmer. Don't encourage him.
56
00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:32,799
Do you accept the challenge, humo,
a duel across time and space?
57
00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:35,079
- No!
- Why?
58
00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:37,959
Hogey, you are always doing this -
picking fights
59
00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:41,239
and then challenging us
to duels across time and space.
60
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,119
- No, I not.
- Yes, you are.
61
00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:44,359
No, I not.
62
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:46,759
Yes, you smeggin' are!
63
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:49,999
You rogue droids are obsessed
with duels across time and space.
64
00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:55,879
You eesult my kind, saying we are
obsessed with duels across time and space.
65
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,479
I therefore challenge you
66
00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,759
to a duel across time and space.
67
00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:01,199
I will give you five of your...
68
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:04,159
No duels across time and space.
69
00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:05,759
Why?!
70
00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:09,519
Look, at first, it was fun, it distracted
us from being stuck in deep space,
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00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:11,239
no...way of getting back home.
72
00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:14,759
But we're all duelled out -
our duelling days are over.
73
00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:16,159
Duellos annonos.
74
00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:18,879
- Oh, please!
- No!
75
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,239
I-I will give you a leetle start.
76
00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:23,999
- No!
- But we are in deep space.
77
00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:25,719
It's light years from anywhere.
78
00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:27,239
There be nothing else to do.
79
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:28,799
You think I don't know that?
80
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:30,999
So, how we gonna keep from going crazy?
81
00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:32,879
For you, my friend, it's way too late.
82
00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:36,119
How about a Ping-Pong marathon?
83
00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:38,159
Get a few buddies together.
84
00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:39,999
Rogue nutters versus the Dwarfers.
85
00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:41,719
We already do that.
86
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,199
You guys, you always win.
87
00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:45,399
Crazy golf, then, the botanical gardens.
88
00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:47,079
We'll give you a shot a hole.
89
00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:49,719
Oh, yeah, like we stand a chance.
90
00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:51,039
What's wrong with that?!
91
00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,079
You be knowing all the burrows,
92
00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:55,199
how to get in and out
the little windmills.
93
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:00,599
What else?
94
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:02,359
All right, tell you what.
95
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:04,279
A cooking contest.
96
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:07,319
Who can bake the most delicious cake -
we'll thrash you.
97
00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:09,959
Not if it a choux pastry, you won't.
98
00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:13,679
Ooh, choux pastry.
Big words, my demented friend.
99
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:15,039
What are we playing for?
100
00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:16,919
- If I win...
- LISTER: Oh.
101
00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:19,719
- BOTH: ...a duel across time and space.
- But if you win,
102
00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:24,799
a great treasure,
the likes of which you have never seen.
103
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,519
A piece of old cloth?!
104
00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:27,879
No, thanks, we've already got one.
105
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,079
Hey, it's a map.
106
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:32,719
A map the likes of which
you have never seen.
107
00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:35,399
Everything's the likes of which
you've never seen with him.
108
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:37,879
- Do you doubt me?
- I'm just sayin',
109
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you'd be surprised
the likes of which we have seen.
110
00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,079
Don't be so quick to say everything's
the likes of which we haven't seen.
111
00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:45,879
We've seen things the likes of which
you probably haven't seen yourself.
112
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Is that a challenge?
113
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BOTH: No duels!
114
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The map, it show
everything in this galaxy -
115
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every wormhole,
every derelict, every planet.
116
00:06:57,640 --> 00:06:58,919
Where d'you get this?
117
00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:01,719
I steal from a Simulant Death Ship.
118
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:04,519
Hm, you don't wanna mess
with those guys. They're deranged.
119
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Once you cross them,
120
00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:07,719
they hunt you down.
121
00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:10,799
Not me. I steal while they slumber.
122
00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:13,159
I clever as a hedgehog.
123
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Look out!
124
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(ALARM BLARES)
125
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:26,999
- (AIR WHOOSHES)
- The hull's cracked!
126
00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:33,119
Sorry to intrude, sir.
127
00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:35,439
Is now a good time to clean your quarters?
128
00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:37,879
Certainly looks like
it could do with a good tidy.
129
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:43,359
Oh! Sorry, sir,
I didn't realise you had company.
130
00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:45,279
I'll rework my schedule.
131
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:51,199
Sorry to intrude again, sir.
132
00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:55,279
When is a good time for my lesson
on human modes of speech?
133
00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:57,759
Oh, now's an excellent time, Kryten.
134
00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:00,039
Come in, take a seat.
135
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,959
Oh, what fun, sir! That's sarcasm, right?
136
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,439
You see? I am getting the hang of it.
137
00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,679
There's a ship outside.
They're attacking us.
138
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:16,239
He's sealed the crack.
139
00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:17,799
- We've gotta get out of here.
- We can'tjust leave him.
140
00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:19,479
RIMMER: Watch me.
141
00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:23,239
- What's that?
- Oh, nothing.
142
00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:27,159
Look, I'll be back.
I don't know how, I don't know when.
143
00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:28,599
You abandon me?
144
00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,079
Then I have no choice.
145
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:31,799
I challenge you to a duel...
146
00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,159
Oh, what's the point?
147
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:52,159
(ALARM BLARES)
148
00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:54,199
What the hell's going on?
Who's doing this?
149
00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:57,719
Kryten, scan the local vicinity
for any anomalous energy patterns.
150
00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:01,479
Everything's down, sir. We're on EPS.
Trying to reboot.
151
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:02,919
So, let me get this right.
152
00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:04,919
We're being attacked by somethin'
but we don't know what,
153
00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:07,119
and there's no way
of finding out what's out there?
154
00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:09,439
- I have a suggestion, sirs.
- What?
155
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:12,999
How about we look out of the window?
156
00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:18,679
Sometimes the old ways are the best ways.
157
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,399
Do it.
158
00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:21,759
What, me, sir? On my own?
159
00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:23,559
Of course on your own.
160
00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:26,239
I love solo missions! I'm on my way, sir.
161
00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:30,839
(RUMBLING)
162
00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:36,439
Would you like a written report, sir,
or under these special circumstances,
163
00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:38,319
would a verbal account suffice?
164
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:40,279
Get on with it, man! What's out there?
165
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,639
A rogue Simulant Death Ship, sir.
166
00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:43,919
A Death Ship?
167
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:45,759
- Yes, sir.
- Should we be concerned?
168
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:50,599
Concern would be an entirely appropriate
response under these circumstances, sir.
169
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,599
What d'you think they want?
170
00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:56,519
Although the Death Ship didn't indicate
the exact nature of their business, sir,
171
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:59,199
I'm guessing
it's something a bit...deathy.
172
00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:02,919
They must have been tracking Hogey.
173
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:05,399
- Finding us is just a bonus.
- CAT: Simulants!
174
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:07,959
These are the guys
who despise humans, right?
175
00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:10,839
The ones who won't rest until
they've annihilated every single one.
176
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:11,879
Correct, sir.
177
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:13,999
Not me, then. Excellent!
178
00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:18,359
I'll be in the rec room, reading
this month's copy of I'm OK! Magazine.
179
00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:23,879
Make no mistake, sir - they will see us
all as Mr Lister's lieutenants.
180
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,639
They will show us no mercy.
181
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:29,839
Death Ships are captained
by special berserker generals
182
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,639
who've been crossbred
183
00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:35,479
to create an insane
biomechanical entity...
184
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,439
of pure evil.
185
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:52,399
My Dominator, forgive me, I implore you.
186
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:54,319
The Earth one remains alive.
187
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:57,359
Forgiveness is a human quality,
Chancellor.
188
00:10:57,480 --> 00:11:00,719
It has no meaning to a Simulant general.
189
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:03,319
You know what you must do.
190
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:16,559
(GULPS)
191
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:19,399
(GROANS)
192
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:20,719
Ooh.
193
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:21,919
Nuhh.
194
00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:23,079
(GROANS)
195
00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:26,079
Uhh!
196
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:27,599
Ohh! Uh.
197
00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:29,399
Firstly...
198
00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:31,759
polish my Sword of Spite...
199
00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:34,919
...as a punishment for your idiocy...
200
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:36,039
Polish?
201
00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:37,799
Yes. Polish.
202
00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,879
As a punishment for your idiocy.
Secondly...
203
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:44,239
- Just polish?
- Yes, just polish!
204
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:45,639
Secondly...
205
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:49,399
write me a formal letter of apology.
206
00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:53,679
So, you just want me to polish your sword
and write a letter?
207
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,559
Yes.
208
00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:58,039
- Nothing else?
- Nothing else.
209
00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:00,319
So, you don't want me to, er...
ooh, I don't know, er,
210
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:01,999
commit hari-kari or anything?
211
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,479
Of course not!
212
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:06,599
(SQUELCHING)
213
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:07,959
(DRIPPING)
214
00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:11,319
Well, sir, that wasn't made very clear.
215
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:14,279
Er, when you slid the sword
across the table,
216
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:18,439
I naturally assumed
you wanted me to commit hari-kari.
217
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:20,799
- No, I do not!
- Oh, I know that now, sir.
218
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:23,559
Before, though, it was just...
you know, it was a bit ambiguous.
219
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:26,719
Er...
220
00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,959
I think a new system is in order.
221
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:31,279
I'm gonna go now, sir.
222
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:33,159
Er... My Dominator,
223
00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:34,799
thank you.
224
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,279
Ooh.
225
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:38,599
Uhh.
226
00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:40,919
Oh, Chancellor.
227
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:43,999
You do have a tendency
to jump to conclusions.
228
00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:47,319
Let this be a little lesson to you.
229
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:50,119
Oh.
230
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:51,159
Oh...
231
00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:52,559
That bit looks important.
232
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,199
(CHUCKLES DARKLY)
233
00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:00,079
Hang on, hang on.
234
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:03,999
Do you know how to work that?
235
00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:07,279
It's got lots of different settings,
but yeah.
236
00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:13,759
- Thought not.
- What the helljust happened?
237
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:19,439
What the hell is this thing?
238
00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:20,759
CAT: It's a wibbly gun.
239
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:23,759
It makes things go all... (ROLLS TONGUE)
240
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:24,959
...wibblified.
241
00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:31,239
It appears to destabilise the
molecular structure of solid objects, sir.
242
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:34,799
- His version was clearer.
- Come on. Cargo bay.
243
00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:37,919
Let's get to Blue Midget and CB3.
244
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,679
- (BEEPING)
- LISTER: Rimmer, what is that?
245
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:48,599
It's a holo-lamp, isn't it, sir.
It plays holo-messages.
246
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:51,559
My father gave it to me when I was a boy.
247
00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:55,079
He told me to play it the day I become
an officer and join the Space Corps,
248
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:56,759
the day I become a somebody.
249
00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:58,159
So, never been played, right?
250
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,759
- And it shan't be until I'm an officer.
- Come on, let's go!
251
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:15,759
Death Ship and three Annihilators
at 6 o'clock, sirs.
252
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,639
Question. Can we stay ahead of them?
253
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,879
Only if we have enough fuel, sir.
Two, maybe three hours.
254
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:26,599
Asteroid field 80 clicks west.
Maybe offer some cover.
255
00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:28,239
I'm taking her in.
256
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:36,359
KRYTEN: According to the readouts,
quadrant two, vector four.
257
00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:38,999
- We can hide in that asteroid.
- CAT: Take us in!
258
00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:49,119
My Dominator, I am afraid
the human insurgents have escaped.
259
00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:51,239
Er, they've flown into an asteroid field.
260
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,039
That is totally unacceptable!
261
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:56,519
I agree, My Dominator.
The security forces have been shambolic.
262
00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:59,759
- Those responsible should be agonised.
- I-I agree also.
263
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:00,919
- And I.
- And I.
264
00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:02,439
- And I.
- And I also.
265
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:06,039
Oh, I refuse to be surrounded
by these toadying sycophants.
266
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,839
- I agree, My Dominator.
- I agree also.
267
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,159
- And I.
- And I.
268
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:11,559
- And I.
- And I also.
269
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:14,519
I want each member of my council
to think for themselves,
270
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:17,079
notjust agree with my every word and whim
271
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:21,159
out of some pathetic boot-trembling terror
for self-preservation.
272
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:23,679
Question my judgements.
273
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:25,399
Debate me, yeah?
274
00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:28,759
Only then will we be truly strong.
275
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,679
But-but, Dominator,
that simply isn't true.
276
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:32,159
I mean, the last person
to contradict you was...
277
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:34,399
- Kill him.
- What?!
278
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:36,199
Do you see what I mean?
279
00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:39,919
Now, find the ship!
280
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,119
Ow...
281
00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:47,519
It appears
they've surrounded the asteroid belt
282
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:50,039
and are sending in probes
to locate our position.
283
00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:52,479
It's only a matter of time
before they find us.
284
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:54,239
So, what's our next move?
285
00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:57,519
Shall I go slip into something
more appropriate, like, say, a coffin?
286
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:00,879
Is that it? We're all gonna die?
287
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,599
Well, you're all going to die.
288
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:03,999
I'm already dead.
289
00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,799
I had the sense
to get dying out of the way early.
290
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:10,239
For years, you mocked me.
Not laughing now, are you?
291
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:13,159
Oh, yeah, cos being dead
is such an advantage here(!)
292
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:15,759
- It is an advantage.
- How's it an advantage?
293
00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:19,959
I was killed instantly, Lister -
painless, quick and stylish.
294
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:21,719
What's that coming down the corridor?
295
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:24,399
Ooh, it looks like a radiation leak.
Wham, dead.
296
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:28,359
Not perfect, I'll grant you,
but at least it wasn't embarrassing.
297
00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:29,959
Embarrassing?
298
00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:31,599
No weeping, getting hysterical.
299
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:34,919
Not one of those deaths where
you lose control of your bodily functions,
300
00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:37,639
your bowels clearing all over the place.
301
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:40,159
At least my death was dignified.
302
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:43,159
I'd hardly call yelling,
"Mummy, Mummy," dignified.
303
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:45,079
Lister, I didn't yell, "Mummy, Mummy."
304
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:47,679
No, you didn't have the time.
You just yelled, "Mu..."
305
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:50,959
Please, sirs, this is very bad for morale.
306
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:55,559
I can't believe you're arguing
about who's going to have the best death!
307
00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:59,479
I'm only trying to help,
give you some advice on how to die nicely.
308
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:04,039
- You wanna die twice, keep talking.
- KRYTEN: Please, sir!
309
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,079
He's right. We're all getting crazy.
310
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:07,799
We need to chill.
311
00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:08,999
You're right.
312
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:11,599
We've been in these situations before,
we always find a way out.
313
00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:16,199
Like the time that highly corrosive
micro-organism almost destroyed Red Dwarf.
314
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,519
The highly corrosive
micro-organism, exactly!
315
00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:19,919
We got out of that one.
316
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:21,279
Yeah, thanks to me.
317
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:23,879
Oh, sir!
You cannot claim the credit for that.
318
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,039
- It was a total fluke.
- Fluke?
319
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:27,679
You think that was an accident,
the way I...?
320
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:28,719
Ssh!
321
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:30,039
What's that?
322
00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:33,719
Something's coming into the asteroid.
323
00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:37,039
It's a probe.
It's approaching half a click east.
324
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:38,599
Switch out all the lights.
325
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:41,559
Good thinking!
They'll think we're all out.
326
00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:46,439
If things get really tricky,
we'll get Kryten to open the airlock
327
00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:48,159
and tell 'em we've moved.
328
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:51,079
It seems to be backing off, sir.
329
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:52,919
They're coming back.
330
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:55,719
Look, we've gotta get a battle plan -
astro-nav space-school stuff.
331
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:58,119
Rimmer, is that something
you could handle?
332
00:17:58,240 --> 00:17:59,319
Pardon?
333
00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:01,679
Is that something you can handle?!
334
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:04,239
The responsibility
of coming up with a battle plan?
335
00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:05,679
All that strategy stuff.
336
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:06,959
Why me?
337
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:09,079
Cos you're into military strategy.
338
00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:12,359
If it was a curry-eating competition
to the death, it'd be me.
339
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:14,999
If it was a towel-folding competition
to the death...
340
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:16,279
That would be me!
341
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:18,399
Phuw, phuw, phuw-phuw-phuw-phuw.
342
00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:19,879
Phuw-phuw-phuw.
343
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:21,159
Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh.
344
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:23,039
I'd win that one, sir.
345
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:26,479
And what kind of competition to the death
would it have to be before you chose me?
346
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:29,959
So, moving on... Er... Can you do it?
347
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:31,919
Yes, of course I can do it.
348
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:33,519
Obviously.
349
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:35,359
You don't sound very confident.
350
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:36,919
I'm very confident.
351
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:38,919
I've waited my whole life for this moment.
352
00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:42,399
Command of my own ship
in a battle against overwhelming odds?
353
00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:43,879
It's your moment of destiny.
354
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,199
Right. I'lljust...
355
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:50,559
make my way into the...supply room
and think of a plan, then.
356
00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:53,359
It'll be just like taking an exam.
357
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,679
I can do this.
358
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:00,959
Sir, surely
there must be an alternative.
359
00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:03,639
If there was, Kryten, we'd be doing it.
360
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:05,119
ALL: We're smegged.
361
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:16,119
Any joy, sir?
362
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:17,639
Not yet, no.
363
00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:19,959
I'm still at
the "can't think of a plan" stage.
364
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:24,119
Well, I don't know if this will help, sir,
but I've done a ship-wide search
365
00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:26,959
and collated all the weapons
we have on board ship, sir.
366
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:29,679
Good, Kryten.
I was just about to suggest that myself.
367
00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:42,159
Two forks and a pencil sharpener?!
368
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:46,639
Now, there is a rumour that
there's a stick and some string, sir.
369
00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:49,079
But I don't want to raise false hopes.
370
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:51,799
There is, of course, Hogey's molly D.
371
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,959
- The molecular destabiliser.
- Mm.
372
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,079
I'll leave it with you, sir.
373
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:02,919
Ehh!
374
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:05,239
They're driving me crazy
cooped up in there.
375
00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:07,839
Thought I'd take a break and come in here!
376
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:11,239
Oww!
377
00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:13,679
I love the string game!
378
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,479
Have you thought of your plan yet?
379
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:17,759
You can't think of anything, can you?
380
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:21,959
I just love the string game!
You know why?
381
00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:23,879
Because you're an idiotic cat?
382
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,679
No. Why you can't think of a plan, dummy?
383
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,479
Because you're driving me crazy,
that's why.
384
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:31,479
Uh-uh. There's a demon
messing up your head.
385
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:32,999
- Yes, you!
- No.
386
00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:34,319
Your father.
387
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:35,959
My father's dead.
388
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:37,519
No way, non-bud.
389
00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:40,399
His worthless, skinny ass
lives on inside you,
390
00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:42,679
freezing your soul with fear.
391
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:47,119
How do you know all this?
392
00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:50,279
Do you think awesome good looks
and rock-hard pecs are my only qualities?
393
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:51,599
I'm a cat.
394
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:52,959
I sense things.
395
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:56,159
You gotta nail that demon
and kick his sorry ass outta town.
396
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:57,439
How?
397
00:20:57,560 --> 00:20:58,759
The only thing keeping him alive is you.
398
00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:00,439
You're never gonna win over
that dude's approval.
399
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,519
Give it up! Let it go.
400
00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:03,599
Hey!
401
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,279
Look how it's moving!
402
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:08,479
I lo-ove the string game!
403
00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:11,119
Stop moving!
404
00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:18,679
Anythin'?
405
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:19,959
Nothing.
406
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,919
What you doing?
407
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:26,839
- I'm going to play this.
- Your father's message?
408
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:28,599
- But why, sir?
- If I play it
409
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:31,679
before I've become the person
he wanted me to become,
410
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:35,239
it means I don't care
what he thinks any more.
411
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:36,519
It means...
412
00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:37,919
I'm free of him.
413
00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:47,919
Arnold, it's me.
414
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:52,239
If you're playing this message, it means
you're an officer in the Space Corps.
415
00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:55,599
You've achieved your dreams, you're
a man of significance and substance,
416
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:57,479
so this won't matter to you now.
417
00:21:57,600 --> 00:21:58,599
Arnold,
418
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:00,359
I'm not your father.
419
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,399
But that's impossible. It's not true!
420
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:08,879
Look inside yourself
and you will know I speak the truth.
421
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:11,519
Your father wasn't me.
422
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:13,399
It was Dungo, our gardener.
423
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:18,759
But he was a babbling imbecile.
424
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:22,439
A billion-piece jigsaw
suddenly falls into beautiful place.
425
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,199
Know from now on
426
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:30,119
your family line isn't made up
of Austrian princes and French royalty,
427
00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:34,079
but of lame-brained artisans
and pram-faced trollops.
428
00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:39,159
Didn't tell you before because I didn't
want it to affect your self-esteem.
429
00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:40,919
But now you've achieved all your dreams,
430
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:43,039
it doesn't matter a jot.
431
00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:45,039
Goodbye, Arnold.
432
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:46,759
And good luck.
433
00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:50,799
PS - naturally, I won't be sending you
any more birthday presents.
434
00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:08,559
This is the worst thing that can happen.
435
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:11,599
Mr Rimmer's always had
a huge ego and no self-confidence.
436
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:15,359
Now his ego's smaller than
a pixie's right nut after an icy bath.
437
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:20,399
Well, you know, he thought he came from
a military family, high-flyers,
438
00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:23,759
success ingrained
in the very core of their DNA.
439
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:25,439
Now he discovers he's no better than me.
440
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:27,639
What a nightmare.
441
00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:29,239
(RIMMER SIGHS)
442
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:31,839
I think I've got something.
443
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:33,079
What? How?
444
00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:35,599
I've been thinking.
445
00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:36,919
If Dungo...
446
00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:38,639
I mean Dennis...
447
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:40,759
I mean Dad...
448
00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:42,999
were here now, he'd be so proud.
449
00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:47,039
Second Technician in the JMC,
senior officer in a mining ship,
450
00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:48,559
and I don't smell of manure.
451
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:51,919
Suddenly I don't have
that voice in my head
452
00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:53,799
telling me I'm useless at everything.
453
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:56,679
I have a new voice
telling me how proud he is.
454
00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:58,159
I can think
455
00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:00,119
and I think I've got a plan.
456
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:01,439
It's crap!
457
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:05,039
I have to admit, sir,
I'm not entirely convinced myself.
458
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,279
I thought it was quite clever.
459
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:09,319
- Let's take a vote.
- Who's against?
460
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,079
Take a look at this colour.
461
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:19,079
Is it purple, blue or green?
462
00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:22,559
...Fallopian tube is a musical instrument.
True or false?
463
00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:24,159
True?
464
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:32,079
It'll work! Jujitsu-style!
465
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:34,959
Use the might of your opponent
against himself!
466
00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:36,639
Are you quite sure, sir?
467
00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:40,639
We have nothing to fear but fear itself.
468
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:41,959
Apart from pain.
469
00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:43,479
And maybe humiliation.
470
00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:45,799
And obviously death and failure.
471
00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:50,079
But apart from fear, pain, humiliation,
failure, the unknown and death,
472
00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,959
we have nothing to fear but fear itself.
473
00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:55,319
Who's with me?
474
00:24:57,440 --> 00:25:00,319
I know I need to work harder
on that fear speech,
475
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:02,479
it wasn't quite as rousing
as it should be, but...
476
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:03,999
we can do this.
477
00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:06,239
He's right! Let's do it.
478
00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:08,719
- Let's do it! Come on!
- Come on!
479
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:10,679
- Get your butts in the air and let's go!
- Yeah!
480
00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:12,839
LISTER: Kryten, bring them forks -
we might need them.
481
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:19,559
There, My Dominator.
482
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:21,639
- They're emerging from the meteor.
- Mm.
483
00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:25,719
How's it looking? Is it all going to plan?
484
00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:28,039
KRYTEN: Nothing in sight, sir.
485
00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:31,319
Oh.
486
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:42,519
- We're surrounded.
- 1 2 o'clock,
487
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:44,519
9 o'clock, 6 o'clock, 3 o'clock.
488
00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:46,919
LISTER: The Death Ship
and three Annihilators.
489
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:50,199
Keep them in line -
it's absolutely crucial.
490
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:53,119
- Right, open comm channels. Here goes.
- Open, sir.
491
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:58,439
This is Second Technician Arnold J Rimmer
of the mining ship Red Dwarf.
492
00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:01,119
Under Treaty 5 of the Geneva Convention,
493
00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:03,639
we claim the freedoms
and privileges of prisoners of war.
494
00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:04,719
Ha!
495
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:06,919
- Load the photon mutilators.
- Mm.
496
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:09,119
Perhaps you didn't hear me.
497
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:10,439
We're surrendering.
498
00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:12,839
Mutilators loaded, Your Excellency.
499
00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:15,679
You can't open fire
on a surrendering ship.
500
00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:18,959
That's a scandalous breach
of the niceties of battle.
501
00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:22,399
All ships, prepare to fire on my orders.
502
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:25,039
Right! You're on report, m'laddo.
503
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:28,199
Fire!
504
00:26:34,120 --> 00:26:35,439
Blow us up all you like,
505
00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:38,319
but don't think for one second
you're getting away with it.
506
00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:42,239
A letter worded in the strongest
possible language is going off to Geneva.
507
00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:44,879
Now, I'm not gonna ask you again.
508
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:46,519
Abort your attack.
509
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:49,359
Right, that's it.
510
00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:53,319
"Dear sir...
511
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:57,759
"I was scandalised earlier today
by a Simulant Death Ship
512
00:26:57,880 --> 00:27:02,079
"which contravened Treaty 5
of the Geneva Convention."
513
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:06,599
Impact - 1 6 seconds.
514
00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,079
It's the way of all things.
515
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:11,879
You live, you die.
516
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:14,439
But sometimes you live, you die
517
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:15,999
and then you live again.
518
00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:18,599
I know. I've done it myself.
519
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:19,799
Now!
520
00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:28,159
They've destabilised their whole ship,
all four bulkheads.
521
00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:29,599
LISTER: Look out!
522
00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:42,959
Our own torpedoes
are on a collision course, Sire.
523
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:48,319
Under Treaty 5
of the Geneva Convention,
524
00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:52,439
we claim the freedoms and privileges
of prisoners of war!
525
00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:54,599
Sorry, I missed that. Pardon?
526
00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:17,639
(ALL CHEER)
527
00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:22,759
- Good job, sirs.
- Hell of a job.
528
00:28:22,880 --> 00:28:24,279
You know what this makes me?
529
00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:26,519
A working-class hero.
530
00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:29,479
Working-class hero, you and me both.
531
00:28:29,600 --> 00:28:30,879
Kryten...
532
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:32,719
set a course for Red Dwarf.
533
00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:34,839
The slime's coming home.
534
00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:41,999
# It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere
535
00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:45,199
# I'm all alone, more or less
536
00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:48,559
# Let me fly far away from here
537
00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:51,399
# Fun, fun, fun
538
00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:55,119
# In the sun, sun, sun
539
00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:58,799
# I want to lie
Shipwrecked and comatose
540
00:28:58,920 --> 00:29:02,039
# Drinking fresh mango juice
541
00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:05,519
# Goldfish shoals nibbling on my toes
542
00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:08,279
# Fun, fun, fun
543
00:29:08,400 --> 00:29:11,959
# In the sun, sun, sun
544
00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:14,799
# Fun, fun, fun
545
00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:18,759
♪ In the sun, sun, sun. ♪
546
00:29:24,400 --> 00:29:26,599
What did I tell ya? We got out of that OK.
547
00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:29,799
Just like we got out of that thing
with the highly corrosive micro-organism.
548
00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:33,079
- Once again, Big Arn saves the day.
- Oh, please, sir!
549
00:29:33,200 --> 00:29:35,839
Can we sort this out once and for all?
Just because you happened...
550
00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:37,919
You kills my brother.
551
00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:41,799
(ALL SIGH)
40958
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