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1
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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
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(RED DWARF THEME)
2
00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:48,038
(BLEEPS AND WHIRS)
3
00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:54,710
Turn.
4
00:00:54,880 --> 00:01:00,398
There's another. Circuit board
epsilon 14598, red corridor 357.
5
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- Re-routed.
- Turn.
6
00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:08,236
And another. Circuit board theta 29555,
blue corridor 212.
7
00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:11,830
What's happening, guys?
I thought we were playing poker?
8
00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:14,679
- Didn't you get the message?
- What message?
9
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A skutter went bananas and rewired
the maintenance decks upside down.
10
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We've got over 2,000 wiring faults.
Don't breathe. Don't touch anything.
11
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- The ship's a gigantic booby trap.
- No poker, then?
12
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We can't find the auto-destruct system.
It's wired up to something. Tell the Cat.
13
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It's taken me ages to mark these cards.
14
00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:41,593
- We can't touch anything?
- Not until we get the all-clear.
15
00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:44,593
- How long's that?
- God knows.
16
00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:48,309
Milk shake and a crispy bar.
Poker's gone for a burton.
17
00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:53,429
Auto-destruct sequence initiated.
The ship will detonate in 15 minutes.
18
00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:58,028
14 minutes, 55 seconds and counting.
19
00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:02,713
- That was a very dumb thing to do.
- I wasn't thinking.
20
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:06,873
Red Dwarf will self-destruct
in 14 minutes and 50 seconds.
21
00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:08,917
Cancel. Clear.
22
00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:13,392
Abandon ship. You have 13 minutes
and 45 seconds to detonation.
23
00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:16,757
- Cancel!
- You have 12 minutes and 45 seconds...
24
00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:19,229
- Cancel!
- You have 10 minutes...
25
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,675
- Cancel!
- You have 9 minutes...
26
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I said touch nothing, didn't I?
27
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I just ordered a shake and a crispy bar.
28
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- Lucky it wasn't a double cheeseburger!
- Eight minutes, 20 seconds and counting.
29
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:37,111
- How do we switch it off?
- Only the Captain can override it.
30
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- Dead.
- Or a senior officer.
31
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,596
- Dead.
- I suppose, really,
32
00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:44,194
I should have updated the system.
33
00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:47,830
Could we trick it
into thinking one of us is the Captain?
34
00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:51,476
No. It checks his voice and brain scan.
35
00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:55,639
Self-destruct in eight minutes,
10 seconds and counting.
36
00:02:55,800 --> 00:03:00,157
Think of something. You're supposed to
have an IQ of 6,000. Think of something.
37
00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:03,875
- I'm thinking.
- Self-destruct in eight minutes.
38
00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:07,709
- Well?
- I've collated every single option,
39
00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:09,950
and there are three realistic alternatives.
40
00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:12,588
One - sit here and get blown up.
41
00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:15,872
Two - stand here and get blown up.
42
00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:20,039
Three - jump up and down,
shout at me, then get blown up.
43
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:24,791
- There must be something?
- Perhaps we could try a mind-swap?
44
00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:30,712
It's something we tried once on the Nova 5.
45
00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:34,190
It uses exactly the same science
as generating a hologram.
46
00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:38,148
We wipe all your brain patterns
and put them on a storage disk.
47
00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:44,031
Then we transfer the Captain's mind from
his hologram disk into your empty brain.
48
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:46,715
- You tried this on Nova 5?
- Oh, yes.
49
00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:51,353
- Did it work?
- No, but I'm sure I know what went wrong.
50
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:54,390
Two minutes to self-destruct and counting.
51
00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:58,394
- So, I'll have the Captain's mind?
- Yes. Then, hopefully,
52
00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:02,633
the machine will think you're the Captain,
and you can override it.
53
00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:07,508
- But where will my mind be?
- On this.
54
00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:09,790
One minute, 50 seconds and counting.
55
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:13,590
We couldn't find the Captain's disk,
but Brown was executive officer.
56
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:16,234
Yeah. Brown's got clearance.
57
00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:20,954
- What's that for?
- It's a mental emetic.
58
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:24,550
- A what?
- A mind enema...
59
00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:28,918
- To flush out your brain.
- Nobody's flushin' out my brain.
60
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:32,908
- We'll transfer it back.
- You're not sticking that in my head!
61
00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:35,355
One minute and 40 seconds and counting.
62
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:37,750
- It's our only chance.
- Smeg off!
63
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:40,952
Look, man, I'm not asking just for me.
64
00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:45,591
I'm asking... I'm beggin' you,
do it for the sake of my suits.
65
00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:48,274
Are you gonna let my scarlet PVC morning suit
66
00:04:48,440 --> 00:04:52,592
with the imitation penguin-fur collars
get blown to smithereens?
67
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:56,799
- Could you live with yourself?
- One minute, 30 seconds and counting.
68
00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:00,913
Look, I agree, it's a stupid idea.
It almost certainly won't work,
69
00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:04,197
but the very worst that can happen,
the bottom line,
70
00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:07,989
is that you spend the rest of your life
as a gibbering vegetable.
71
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:11,789
But if the rest of your life
is 30 seconds, what the hell?
72
00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:15,831
Do it.
73
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:31,791
(RAPID BLEEPING)
74
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:37,478
Keep that safe. It's Lister's mind.
75
00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:51,391
55 seconds to detonation.
76
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:55,235
- (WOMAN'S VOICE) What's going on?
- No time to explain,
77
00:05:55,400 --> 00:06:00,394
but the auto-destruct system has started,
and we need you to deactivate it.
78
00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:03,956
Something's wrong. Something's different.
79
00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:06,918
Wait a minute, I never used to be a man!
80
00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:12,911
- Look, we'll explain later.
- Why have I got male sexual organs?
81
00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:16,669
If we don't override the auto-destruct
in the next 20 seconds,
82
00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:20,515
those sexual organs will be in orbit
around the nearest planet,
83
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:23,513
along with every one else's organs,
sexual or otherwise.
84
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:27,829
- 15 seconds to detonation.
- Abort sequence X-1-X.
85
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:30,275
- Identify.
- Carol Brown, Executive Officer,
86
00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:33,352
security clearance 0-1-0-1-0-1.
87
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:35,511
Pause for verification.
88
00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:38,399
Verification rejected. Abort denied.
89
00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:42,712
Auto-destruct sequence continued.
Detonation in 5 seconds.
90
00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,912
- Sen-smegging-sational.
- Well done, fink face.
91
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,071
- Three...
- What a brilliant plan.
92
00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:50,231
- Two...
- Just great.
93
00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:53,280
One. Initiate self-destruct.
94
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,758
Thank you for using
Auto-Serve Dispensing Machines.
95
00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:05,514
- Number one in quality.
- What happened?
96
00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:08,029
It was wired to the warning system,
97
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:10,509
- but not the bomb.
- So where's the bomb?
98
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:12,671
We haven't got a bomb.
99
00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:15,149
- What?
- I got rid of it ages ago.
100
00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:17,954
- Why didn't you say?
- You never asked.
101
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:21,951
Fine. Terrific! But remember this -
102
00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:24,588
you're getting my underwear bill, buddy.
103
00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:35,277
- You awake?
- (NORMAL VOICE) Yeah, can't sleep.
104
00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:38,916
- Probably those kippers.
- Nothin' wrong with kippers.
105
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,996
But kippers vindaloo?
106
00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:47,151
It can't be good for you. A curry
every night cannot be good for you.
107
00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:50,710
It's certainly no good for me.
I'm thinking of getting a canary.
108
00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:55,235
- Why?
- To check if it's safe to come in.
109
00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:58,513
- It's not that bad!
- Not that bad?
110
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:02,474
You don't sweat sweat, you sweat madras sauce.
111
00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:06,832
- Why the sudden interest in my diet?
- It's not just your diet, Lister.
112
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:10,788
It's your health in general.
You eat crap, you don't exercise,
113
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,793
you smoke, you drink...
Frankly, it's beginning to show.
114
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:16,673
- I'm OK.
- You're getting porky.
115
00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:18,839
Porky?
116
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:23,073
Last week, during that lights failure,
your silhouette was cast onto the wall.
117
00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:28,553
- I thought it was Alfred Hitchcock.
- Are you sayin' I've got a gut?
118
00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:31,953
You've got more gut
than a Turkish butcher's shop.
119
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:34,750
No, really, have I put on weight?
120
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,469
You've reached that age, Listy.
121
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,200
When you're younger, you can eat
and drink what you like
122
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:45,678
and still climb into your 26-inch-waist
trousers and zip them closed.
123
00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:51,551
Then you reach that age - 24, 25 -
your muscles give up, wave a white flag,
124
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:55,156
then without warning,
you're suddenly a fat bastard.
125
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:57,920
I'm not fat, I'm porky!
126
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:01,351
Have you never held up a frog by its head?
127
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:05,274
You know how its belly sticks out
above its spindly little legs?
128
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:08,637
That's what I see
when you get down from the bunk.
129
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:13,789
Maybe you're right. Yeah,
I'm gonna start working out in the gym.
130
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:17,117
Of course, you could always...
131
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:20,153
- No, you'd never agree to it.
- What?
132
00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:24,233
We do a swap.
My mind in your body, yours in mine.
133
00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:29,878
You saw how easy it was. Lend me
your body for a while, and I'll get it fit.
134
00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:34,153
Plenty of exercise, sensible diet,
no more booze, no more ciggies.
135
00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:36,999
It'll be like a 12,000-mile service
for your body.
136
00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:42,399
- And in the meantime, I'm a hologram?
- It's only for a couple of weeks.
137
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:45,870
You're talking like it's a pair
of hedge trimmers or somethin'.
138
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:49,993
I'd return it intact.
More than intact, it'd be fitter.
139
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:52,350
Rimmer, you're not having my body.
140
00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:55,956
Why are you worried?
How can I treat it any worse?
141
00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:59,271
You admit you don't look after it properly.
142
00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:01,954
I would. What do you say?
143
00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:08,271
(RAPID BLEEPING)
144
00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:16,039
(LISTER) No welchin'.
145
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,316
(RIMMER) Of course not.
146
00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:25,550
(LISTER) A fortnight.
(RIMMER) 14 days.
147
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:29,156
- Two weeks.
- Absolutely-doodly.
148
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:38,230
(HUMS MILITARY TUNE)
149
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,991
(UNZIPS)
150
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:11,550
This hat is smeggin' stupid.
I look like Captain Emerald.
151
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:14,632
- Holly, do somethin' about it, man.
- OK, Dave.
152
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:19,471
Brutal.
153
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:24,434
(RIMMER) What's this under his nails?
154
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:28,912
Oh, my God!
I'm going to have this dirt carbon dated.
155
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,391
Luncheon, sir.
156
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:52,149
Ah! Food. Real food.
157
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,356
To eat, perchance to taste.
158
00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:59,435
It's exactly as you ordered, sir.
Lightly poached Mimian bladder fish,
159
00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:03,110
four dozen oysters,
duck's feet in abalone sauce...
160
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:06,278
I can touch, I can taste, I can smell!
161
00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:10,155
Roast suckling pig stuffed
with chestnuts and truffles.
162
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:12,311
- Mmm!
- Mashed potato.
163
00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:17,998
- With cream and butter?
- A pint of cream and a pound of butter.
164
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,270
Let the orgy commence!
165
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:26,110
(GUZZLES AND GRUNTS)
166
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:42,791
(SLURPS)
167
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:46,675
How's the diet goin'?
168
00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:03,552
Do you know, I think I went temporarily
insane. It was just too much.
169
00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:08,874
I haven't tasted food in three million
and two years. I was like an animal.
170
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,913
- I want my body back.
- It won't happen again.
171
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:15,516
- It's out of my system.
- MY system. Why are you smoking?
172
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:18,871
- One cigar!
- You should be gettin' me fit.
173
00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:21,600
- I'll start tomorrow.
- You better bleedin' had.
174
00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:29,352
Hey! What are you doin' dressed like that?
175
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:33,069
Why do you want to look
like Goalpost-Head? Have you flipped?
176
00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:38,598
You want to look like a man with ears
so large that they pick up satellite TV?
177
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:41,911
Why do you want to look
like that smeg-head Rimmer?
178
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:44,196
- Because...
- (SCREECHES)
179
00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:47,113
I am that smeg-head Rimmer.
180
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,071
(LECHEROUS GROANING)
181
00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:58,872
Please! These are supposed to be women?
182
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:03,670
Ah, this is what I call training.
183
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:09,317
That letter, that letter, that letter. There.
184
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:13,869
Hey, hey, hey! I've got you now, buddy!
185
00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:16,713
J-O-Z-X-Y-Q-K.
186
00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:18,956
- That's not a word.
- It's a cat word.
187
00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:22,512
- Jozxyqk?
- That's not how you pronounce it.
188
00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:24,711
- What's it mean?
- It's the sound you make
189
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:29,192
when you trap your sexual organs
in something - "Jozxyqk!!"
190
00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:32,714
- Is it in the dictionary?
- It could be.
191
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:37,670
If you were reading in the nude
and closed the book too quick... "Jozxyqk!!"
192
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:42,914
Ah! What a session! What a work out!
No pain, no gain, Listy.
193
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:47,238
- On the scales. I'm weighing you.
- No need. See that stomach.
194
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,709
Hasn't been that flat in years.
195
00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:52,275
- Scales, please.
- There's really no need.
196
00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:54,675
On the scales!
197
00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:04,556
- You've put on two stone!
- Of course I have.
198
00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:07,280
I've been taking yeast extract,
building up your body.
199
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,152
- Take the robe off.
- Why?
200
00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:12,670
- Take it off.
- You're not seeing my naked body.
201
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:15,274
- It's mine!
- What's he hiding?
202
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:17,396
- Off with the robe.
- Just...
203
00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:19,357
Off!
204
00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:30,151
Oh, this? This is a hernia-prevention belt.
205
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,709
- I forgot to take it off.
- It's a girdle.
206
00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:37,192
- 'Course it isn't.
- It's got dangly things for stockings.
207
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:42,474
They're for attaching extra weights to,
so you can get fit as you walk around.
208
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:45,831
I want me body back now.
209
00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:51,271
Look, OK. I went a bit bananas at first,
but that's all over now.
210
00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:54,115
It's in my interest to get you into shape.
211
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:58,791
This could be a regular thing.
14 days a year, I have your body.
212
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:02,635
In fact, next year,
I'd like the last two weeks of July.
213
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:05,593
- I want it back.
- One last chance?
214
00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:08,712
- No more troughin'.
- I promise.
215
00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:12,754
And take that girdle off. It doesn't suit me.
216
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:29,039
(MOANING AND SLURPING)
217
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:38,991
Holly, lights!
218
00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:43,914
That's it! I'm completely sick of it.
219
00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:47,470
- (MOUTH FULL) Mmmph? Mmmm?
- That is IT!
220
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:50,989
- What is it?
- You've been porkin' again.
221
00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:54,152
- I have not!
- I want my body back now.
222
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:59,150
- I've only had it a week!
- This wasn't the deal. You've welched.
223
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:04,314
And what's this in the bin?
Me locks are in the bin!
224
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:09,031
- You said you pinned 'em up?
- I did but they...fell off.
225
00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:11,674
Fell off? Science lab, now!
226
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:14,838
It's the middle of the night. Kryten's on down time.
227
00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:18,071
Now.
228
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:23,390
(RAPID BLEEPING)
229
00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:38,468
How much did you smoke? Me lungs feel
like they've been through a cheese grater!
230
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:43,031
- You got your body back. Leave me alone.
- Oh! (COUGHS)
231
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:45,191
I only have a few rollies.
232
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:48,636
It feels like you've smoked
an entire Cuban tobacco harvest.
233
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:52,270
- I had the odd one.
- No respect, that's what.
234
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:54,715
You've shown my body no respect whatsoever.
235
00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:57,440
You've treated it like smeg.
236
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,958
Look... You've given me breasts.
237
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:03,998
There's a distinct cleavage there.
238
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:07,948
One week in my body
and you've given me a bosom.
239
00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:15,676
These scales are wrong.
These scales have to be wrong.
240
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:17,831
It's average for your height.
241
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:23,074
Rimmer, it would be average for my height
if I happened to be a pregnant hippo.
242
00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:27,279
You weren't exactly Charles Atlas
to start with, were you?
243
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,034
You haven't been treating my athlete's foot.
244
00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:32,310
Frankly, I was afraid of touching it.
245
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:37,514
I told you, you have to wash and powder
my feet three times a day,
246
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:39,671
and buff with a pumice stone.
247
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:43,429
I couldn't touch those things three times a day.
248
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:46,592
I was only brave enough
to remove your socks once.
249
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:49,155
Look at my stomach. Look at it!
250
00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:52,551
Paint "Goodyear" on it,
you could float me over the Super Bowl.
251
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:55,593
Look, I refuse to take the rap for that body.
252
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:58,752
I added a few pounds to its already ample frame,
253
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:02,037
but it was a wreck before I got anywhere near it.
254
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:03,593
A wreck?
255
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:07,799
If it was a car you would be
an insurance write-off. Nothing works.
256
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,110
Your taste buds are clapped out.
257
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:13,989
You've killed them stone dead
with 25 years of non-stop curries.
258
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:19,634
All the aches and pains you never mention?
Twinges in your back, crimps in your neck.
259
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:23,952
Oh, and a little tip - urine should
only be green if you're Mr Spock.
260
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:27,913
It's the last time you borrow it,
that's for goddamn sure.
261
00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:32,429
What about next year?
We agreed. Last two weeks in July.
262
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:35,239
Why do you want it? It's a wreck.
263
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:38,756
Unfortunately, if you can't get
two weeks in the Caribbean,
264
00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:40,990
Grimsby's better than nothing.
265
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:44,550
- You can't back out.
- I only said that to get it back.
266
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:49,555
Do you think I'm mad? You are never
borrowing my body again. Never.
267
00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:53,469
Get some sleep.
You'll feel different in the morning.
268
00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:57,150
I'm really not sure about this.
269
00:19:57,320 --> 00:19:59,959
You're programmed to obey. Get on with it.
270
00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:03,192
- Surely, we should ask him first?
- I told you,
271
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:05,555
he's perfectly happy about the situation.
272
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:09,190
Then, why did we chloroform him?
And why did he struggle?
273
00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:12,113
I'm in charge, Kryten. I'll take full responsibility.
274
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,999
- But, sir...
- Science lab, pronto!
275
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:17,879
If he comes around, give him another whack.
276
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:20,431
(RAPID BLEEPING)
277
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:36,393
(LISTER'S VOICE) Are you awake, man?
278
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:38,792
Rimmer?
279
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:45,510
No, please. No! Play message.
280
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:52,554
(RIMMER'S VOICE) Hi! It's me. I told you
you'd feel different in the morning.
281
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:55,553
Thing is,
this week has been absolute heaven.
282
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:58,393
I couldn't just let you have your body back.
283
00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:01,279
That's why I've taken Starbug and done a runner.
284
00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:05,228
Don't worry, in a month, I'll return it.
Maybe six weeks,
285
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:10,235
but don't try and follow me,
otherwise... the body gets it.
286
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:14,036
Cat. Cat!
287
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:20,871
(CAT) You want my what?!
288
00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:24,749
- (LISTER) It'll only take a few hours.
- You want my body?
289
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:27,480
I need your body to get mine back.
290
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:33,590
You've already lost one body. Come on!
You really expect me to lend you mine?
291
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:38,914
I'm a hologram. How else am I supposed
to chase him? I need your body.
292
00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:44,837
One question. Would you let a garbage
truck driver use your Rolls-Royce?
293
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:47,594
How else can I pilot White Midget?
294
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:49,751
I'll do it.
295
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:08,919
(MARCHING MUSIC)
296
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:31,233
Rimmer! It's no use runnin'.
We've got you in visual range.
297
00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:35,996
- Turn around and head back to the ship.
- I told you not to follow me.
298
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:42,877
Leave me alone or you-know-what happens.
299
00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:45,838
- He's bluffing.
- I'm not bluffing.
300
00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:50,716
I think he means it, man. He's flipped.
It must be cream cake poisoning.
301
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:53,553
- I'm going in.
- He must be bluffing.
302
00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:56,718
- Say he isn't?
- It's gastronomic terrorism!
303
00:22:56,880 --> 00:23:00,589
- We can't just let it happen.
- Go ahead, punks. Make my day.
304
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:03,629
- You're right. He's bluffin'.
- Smeg!
305
00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:05,956
Get him!
306
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:25,194
This is getting stupid. Back off, let him go.
307
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:30,315
- We're almost on him.
- (LISTER) It's too dangerous. Let him go.
308
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:34,117
(LAUGHS) Chickens!
309
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:49,273
Oh, smeg!
310
00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:53,479
What the smeggin' smeg's
he smeggin' done? He's smeggin' killed me!
311
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:10,108
- Whoops!
- Are you all right?
312
00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:13,158
- You're going to go spare.
- What is it?
313
00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:15,999
You're going to go absolutely spare.
314
00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:21,319
- You've lost me arm!
- I've lost your watch too.
315
00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:25,677
- You bastard!
- No, you're right. It's my fault.
316
00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:28,758
My hands are up... Well, my hand is up!
317
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:32,791
You think this is funny?
318
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:34,996
No. But this is!
319
00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:54,155
Oh, hello. It's Captain Chloroform.
320
00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:57,156
Please, Mr David, sir.
321
00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:01,950
My guilt chip is already in overdrive.
I feel terrible!
322
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:05,274
You feel terrible? What about my head?
323
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:12,352
I had to obey him. It's in my programming
to obey all humans, no matter how insane.
324
00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:15,990
Dinner is served, sir.
325
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:21,194
Lettuce and a grated carrot.
I'm on this for six months.
326
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:27,039
What's wrong?
You look like you've seen a ghost.
327
00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:29,674
(CAT'S VOICE) I was asleep, OK?
328
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:34,470
Then Plastic Percy puts a sponge
on my face and out go the lights.
329
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:37,431
It was an order!
330
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:41,873
(RIMMER'S VOICE) Just one night, I promise.
331
00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:46,670
I'll give it back first thing tomorrow.
Maybe Thursday.
332
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:51,914
♪ It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere
333
00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:55,390
♪ I'm all alone, more or less
334
00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:58,757
♪ Let me fly far away from here
335
00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:01,593
♪ Fun, fun, fun
336
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:05,309
♪ In the sun, sun, sun
337
00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:08,836
♪ I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
338
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:12,117
♪ Drinking fresh mango juice
339
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:15,590
♪ Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
340
00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:18,320
♪ Fun, fun, fun
341
00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:22,189
♪ In the sun, sun, sun
342
00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:25,033
♪ Fun, fun, fun
343
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:29,432
♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪
29028
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