All language subtitles for Package Deal s01e09 A Few Good Muffins.eng

- You can do it.
- What if she says no?

Well, then you're no more of a loser
than you were before you asked her.

- Not a confidence-builder, Sheldon.
- Ryan, she's gonna say yes.

Think positive.
You're a great catch.

Thanks, buddy.

Sydney Forbes speaking.

You don't know me...

But my name is Ryan White.

Well, what can I do for you,
Ryan White?

- She sounds friendly.
- Go get her!

Anyway...

Uh, Edward DeLucca told me
I should call you.

He thought
we might get along, so...

Well, I guess
I was just wondering

if maybe you wanted
to get together sometime.

Well, I'm a little busy, but...

Of course. What was I thinking?
I'll hang up now.

No, wait!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wednesday, 2:00.

Yeah! That's great!

Wow! I have a really good
feeling about this.

Me too. See you then.

She said yes. I did it!

Guys! I have a new therapist!

Season 1, Episode 9
"A Few Good Muffins"

Synced by Reef
www.MY-SUBS.com

Thanks.
Put it on his tab.

- I don't have a tab.
- Yeah. You do.

So what are we
celebrating?

Well, I am officially in the kids'
party-planning business.

Oh. All done selling
big-and-tall caskets?

Oh, yeah. Way too depressing.

- Mm. All that death, huh?
- Actually, not enough death.

I'm tellin' ya, kids are very popular
these days. They're the latest thing.

I'm so pissed,
I could strangle someone.

- Well, Sheldon's here.
- Maybe later.

You're not gonna believe what they
opened up right above my tea shop.

- What, a bookstore?
- Why would I be upset about a bookstore?

Who knows, with you.

They opened up
a zumba exercise studio.

Oh! That is supposed to be
so great for the core.

Whatever that is.

Well, it's bad for business.

It's so loud, that
it's driving away my customers.

I don't think
your landlord can do that, Kim.

If you can find your lease,
I'd be happy to take a look for you.

That's so great!
Oh! Found it.

Hey, guys.
Oh! Sorry, I'm late.

They opened up this great zumba
studio right above Kim's shop.

Man, you are so lucky!
You must go every day.

It's really good for the core.
Check it out. Brr-rr-rr-rr!

This is insane!

Actually, I'm enjoying
the peace and quiet.

- This is quiet to you?
- I meant the lack of customers.

- Wow! They are really loud, huh?
- This is nothing.

Wait till you hear
their "big and beautiful" class.

Oh, good.
They're on a break.

So, what does
my lease say?

Well, it's pretty technical,
but, basically,

you're screwed.

It can't be that bad!

No, it might actually be
the worst lease I've ever seen.

According to this, the building
"must" contain asbestos.

I'm afraid there's
nothing you can do.

- What kind of a lawyer are you?
- The free kind.

But...

I know how stressed
you are, so,

I bought you a massage,
and a day of pampering at the spa.

Aww! Thank you!

Oh! I could use that.

Oh, can I come?

Oh. I was hoping
to enjoy myself.

Fine. Don't worry,
your shop will be in good hands.

Oh! I just
got a great idea.

Why don't you join me?

Really?
That's so nice of you!

Excuse me?

Get outta here, you little ewok.
You've got to be this big to talk to me.

Ah. I was supposed to meet
my party planner here.

Hold on there, little buddy. Hang on
just a second. I was only kidding.

You're Zachary Abrams, right?
I, uh, I was expecting your parents.

It's my bar mitzvah.
I pick the party planner.

And, so far,
I'm not impressed.

Mazel tov, buddy!
Sit your little ass down.

- Now, can I get you something to eat?
- Not in this dump!

There's a great sushi place
just up the street.

My parents take me there
all the time.

Yeah, but they're rich.

So? You gotta spend money
to make money.

Besides, the waitresses
are ridiculous.

Okay, let's do this.
But those waitresses better be primo.

Dr. Forbes?

- Hi. You can call me Sydney.
- Whoa... 'Kay.

Sydney. Wow. You...
You are not what I was expecting.

I get that a lot.

I seem to be sweating.

I get that a lot, too.

I'm sorry.
I'm just really nervous.

Um, I haven't had
a new therapist in a few years.

- Did Dr. Nickman send you my files?
- Yeah.

All three boxes of them.

Here. Have a seat.

- So. What's up?
- Well, let's see.

I guess the main reason I'm here
is marriage trouble.

- And when did that start?
- Uh, since the divorce.

Maybe a couple of years
before that.

I don't know. I mean,
I knew things weren't perfect.

Alison kept a list of grievances
on the fridge.

Right next to "get milk"
was "Ryan's a douche."

Stop. I'm not feeling
a connection yet.

Would ya look at that?
I seem to be sweating again.

Aw, you know, I sense a lot
of sadness from you, Ryan,

and I want to try
a re-parenting exercise.

Um, what's that?

Tell me about a time when
you felt most vulnerable.

Well, uh...

I arrived at my new therapist's office
and she wrapped her arms around me.

Aw, you poor baby.

How do you feel now?

Safe?

Excuse me. Can I get
a Dewar's on the rocks?

Nikki, this is a spa!
Just drink your cucumber water.

Fine.

This is ridiculous. Our appointment
was two hours ago.

You're really tense.
You should get a massage.

Hi. I'm sorry.
Is there a problem?

We're just running a tad behind.
Please be patient.

- I have been. Very.
- No. I don't believe you have.

Can you believe this place?

I know. They kicked me
out of the smoking section.

- That was the steam room.
- I know what's going on here.

We got bumped for
somebody more important.

- Katy Perry's in town!
- That's so unfair.

Tell me about it. What kind
of stress can she have?

She's rich, she's famous,
she's talented...

God, I hate my life.

I'm gonna
take care of this.

Excuse me.

May I please speak
to your manager?

Please, ma'am.
There is no need to shout.

After all, this is a spa.

I'm not shouting.

Ma'am, please.

Look. I know Katy Perry's a big star,
but I had a reservation.

I assure you, media sensation
Katy Perry is not here right now,

enjoying a full-body salt-scrub.

So I have been bumped
for a celebrity.

You need to calm down.

Why don't you just relax
and have a muffin?

Fine.

Now will you please
check on my massage?

Of course. And I'll put
that muffin on your bill.

I'm sorry, what?

The muffin. It's $20.

$20? For a muffin?

- Look, you offered it to me.
- Yeah, and you accepted it.

I'm not paying for a muffin
I never ordered.

First, you didn't want to wait
two hours for a massage.

Now you don't want to pay
$20 for a muffin?

What do you want?

I want to get my clothes
and get out of here.

- Not with that muffin.
- Fine. Take it back.

I am so sorry.

I did not
mean to do that.

Accidents happen.
Like this, for instance.

Yeah, well, it wasn't quite as
relaxing as we thought it'd be.

So, honey, um, do you think
you could pick me up?

No. No...
Not at the spa.

And I'm going to need bail.

No, I totally understand.
That's very reasonable.

I'll run it by her
and get back to you.

I owe you one.

- Well?
- Well, luckily,

I hooked up with the prosecutor
at a Christmas party and it went well.

Not that
that's important right now.

We can plea the assault-and-battery
charges down to a misdemeanor.

Oh, thank goodness.

Now, you will have to serve
30 hours of community service.

No problem.

And make restitution
to the spa for the damages.

That's reasonable.

And of course, just pay
for that muffin you threw.

Over my dead body.

- Then I'll pay for it! It's only $20.
- No! It's about the principle.

I'm with you, Kim.
That's outrageous.

What are we talking about?

Look. This is unfair.

I feel like
I'm being taken advantage of.

It's just like the zumba studio,
and I'm not gonna take it!

Look. Kim. I am on your side,
but these are serious charges.

Once the jury hears how much they charge
for a muffin, they'll throw my case out.

Yeah. Don't back down, Kim.

Especially in prison, you back
down in prison, they own you.

Although, in chick prison,
that could be pretty hot.

What are you
doing, anyway?

Ah, still trying to land
that Abrams' bar mitzvah.

You know, that kid cost me
60 bucks at the track,

and got us
kicked out of a cigar bar.

Now he wants to go
to a strip club.

I put my foot down.
I said, "No way!

Topless only."

Sheldon. He's 13.

Yeah, well, that's why
I'm making him a fake I.D.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Ryan.
Did you get a haircut?

It's my new therapist's idea.

I'm not supposed to worry
about what people think of me.

Well, I think
you look like a tool.

Yeah. Still hurts.

What kind of therapist
is this, anyway?

I don't know. I'm still
trying to figure that out.

She's pretty
unorthodox.

Okay. Like this.

She's trying to make me
be more decisive,

so she wants me to pick out
her new bathing suit.

- I think I'm gonna have to fire her.
- Whoa, that's her?

I should go to therapy.

Too bad I'm the picture
of mental health.

Whoa! She is...

- Not that attractive.
- Please! I'd switch teams for that.

I'm joking!

Sort of.

Come in.

Can Sheldon come out?

Oh, there he is.

Hey there, little buddy.

Any, uh, progress on making
a decision about that bar mitzvah yet?

Any progress
on my I.D.?

Hello, Dr. Kawasaki.

Yes! I can write
prescriptions!

But responsibly.

How long have you
known the defendant?

A few months. I just
started working for her.

And how would you
say she is as a boss?

Great. She tends to talk an awful
lot about nothing, but I like her.

She ever
lose her temper?

- I'll take that as a "yes."
- It's not like she yells.

Unless she catches you sleeping one
off in the back, then watch out.

I see. So she yells at you
for taking breaks...

Breaks to which you
are legally entitled.

Hmm. What else
am I legally entitled to?

...and you say Miss Mattingly
attacked you for no reason?

Completely out of the blue?

Yes. She just lost it.

Out of nowhere!

It was not out of nowhere!
Ask her about the muffin!

Just a...

I was getting to the muffin!

Okay. What? Go.

Mr. White,
is there a problem?

No, Your Honor.
Just getting an evidence bag...

Which contains
the muffin in question,

which the defense will submit
as exhibit "A."

Now, you testified that the defendant
threw that muffin at you.

- Is that right?
- Yes, a blueberry-bran.

It nearly took my eye out!
They have a lot of roughage.

Your Honor, this is a farce!

Miss Mattingly,
sit down.

Mr. White, will you
approach the bench, please?

Danny, if you can't control
your client, I'll have to.

If you would,
I think that'd be very helpful.

I take it Miss Mattingly
is your girlfriend?

We're in love.

Good luck with that.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Now, Miss Taylor, what does
the spa charge for these...

Muffins?

We charge $20.

I know, it's a lot.

But they're made by
a group of deaf orphans

who donate the proceeds
to several worthy causes.

I didn't know that!
I didn't know.

And people who can afford
luxury spa packages

are usually happy
to help those less fortunate.

It was a gift certificate!

Thank you.

That'll be all.

Did that go as badly
as I think it did?

Don't worry,
we're gonna be fine.

You honor, the prosecution would like
to call Timmy Edmonds to the stand.

He's one of
the deaf-orphan bakers.

I guess I was
naive to think

that just because I was
in the right that I would win.

Well, we still do have
closing arguments,

but I couldn't even turn this around
if I bribed the judge.

And he's not opposed to that.
You should see his house.

Wow. That was fun.

You are a very good paint-ball
player, my funny little friend.

Double-shot of anything.
Please.

You really suck at it.

Yeah, well, luckily for you,
I'm still a great party-planner.

About that...

I've decided to go
with another guy.

Are you kiddin' me?

I took three dozen paintballs
to the sack for this bar mitzvah.

Yeah? Well, I found an Internet
party planner in India.

What? You're
out-sourcing me?

- That's the Internet chick!
- What are you talking about?

I gotta tell you,
your video rocks!

I think you have me confused
with someone else.

No. No, I don't. Here.

I can't believe this.

It's from the spa!

"Mud sluts"?

Wow! 220,000 hits.

Your boobs look way bigger
on my computer.

See, doesn't
this feel nice?

Yeah, it's pretty relaxing.

Okay. Now, imagine yourself emerging
from your mother's vagina.

I am covered
in imaginary placenta!

Oh! That's good.
We're making progress.

No, we're not!
I've seen you five times.

So far, you've made me
groom myself like a monkey

to get in touch
with my primal self.

You wouldn't let me
kill spiders for a week.

You even took away
my hand-sanitizer!

This is nonsense!

OK. Well, if you call making
papier-mache sculptures

out of your feelings
"nonsense," fine,

but you haven't talked
about your ex-wife even once.

But that's not ev...

You're right.

And that's all you ever did
with your last therapist.

- You're still right.
- Yeah.

A man who has
feelings like this...

Deserves more.

You're a genius.

You are more than Alison's ex-husband,
and I'm gonna get you past this.

I am so sorry
I ever questioned you.

I mean, what now?
I'm up for anything!

Get down on all fours and
give me your best "proud lion!"

I am a proud lion!

Raw... could you hold
my glasses, please?

We will now
hear closing arguments.

Your Honor.

A new, and somewhat embarrassing
piece of evidence has come to light.

Objection.
This is clearly a stunt.

Your Honor, this video of the altercation
only recently came to my attention.

There's a video?

Of two women fighting
in a spa?

I think
we will allow time for that.

Look, I'm not paying
for a muffin I never ordered.

Well, you're not leaving
here without paying.

Fine. Take it back.

I am so sorry.

I did not
mean to do that.

Accidents happen.

Like this,
for instance.

My smock!

- It's on!
- Whoo!

You spoiled princess!

You spa hobbit!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

First... thanks for that.

Secondly, since both parties
are complicit here,

I'm gonna dismiss
the assault-and-battery charge.

Case dismissed.

We did it!
Aw, thank you!

It was nice to represent someone
I believed in, for a change.

- I'm sorry that I was stubborn.
- That's okay.

You fight
for what you believe in.

And you look hot
doing it!

- Hey, baby.
- Hey.

For a pervy 13-year-old,
you really saved my butt.

I don't know
I could thank you.

Well, your being Zachary's date
at his bar mitzvah will be thanks enough.

Whoa, whoa. What?

Oh, don't worry, it's gonna be fun.
I'm the party planner.

And wear something low-cut.
You'll have a lot of fans there.

All right...
Hand over the flask.

It's not that. I decided
to take a zumba class.

Unfortunately, I slipped and fell
doing a hip-shimmy.

And you broke your leg?

It seems someone left
water on the floor.

I threatened to sue.
He agreed to go elsewhere.

You did that for me?
That's so unlike you.

I know. But I felt bad about
boning you on the stand.

- Aw! You're the best.
- I'm way too sober for intimacy.

How can I thank you?

I'll think of something while
I'm napping. Wake me for lunch.

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