All language subtitles for The.Sex.Lives.Of.College.Girls.S01E05.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Holy shit!

How are you not freaking out?

- I am, I just freak out
in a quieter way than you do.

- Give me my phone--
- Ah!

What hell is going on?

Bela, this better not be
about another pic

of Pete Davidson in sweatpants.

- I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but it's actually better
than that.

Look at what Nico commented
on Kimberly's pic.

- "That dress tho."
Eye-bugging emoji.

Oh, damn! He wants to fuck you.

That's what I said.

- No,
I don't think that's true.

Wait, has Leighton seen this?

- No, she's made it very clear
she does not follow me

- on social media.
- Me too.

- Same.
- And please don't tell her.

She gets mad at me
when I touch her sweaters,

let alone her brother.

- So are you gonna reply
to him?

- I thought I'd write back
something cute.

Like, I could say,
"That comment tho."

Stop. No. That's bad.

Here's what you do.

Send him a picture,
something tasteful

like pulling the top
of your shirt way down

- with your middle finger--
- Bela, too much.

- 8:00 AM.

- Oh, my God,
he just deleted it.

- Wait, what?
- What the fuck?

- He deleted the comment.
It's gone.

Is this bad?

Like, maybe he decided

he doesn't like
"that dress tho"?

- I mean, it doesn't seem good.
- Hold up.

Nico deleting the comment
is a good thing.

It means that not only was
he into your picture--

wink, wink--
but he thought about it enough

to actually come back
to it again later.

He's basically obsessed
with you.

- Wow, Bela may actually
have a point.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know what? No.

I will not drive myself crazy

waiting on
some man's attention.

I refuse to overthink this.

- Mm-hmm.

Ugh.

- Well?
- It's a coupon for Panera.

- I know we're collecting
these clothes

for people who need them,

but, really, haven't they been
through enough?

- But these clothes are to help
get people off the streets,

not into Dean & DeLuca
for brunch.

- Oh, my God, do you think
that's a brunch place?

- Hey, Leight, um, a bunch of
us are going

to a drag queen trivia tonight,
if you wanna join.

- Yeah, the winning team gets
a free eyebrow shaping

and a photo with Vermont's
best drag queen, Miranda Penis.

- I actually have plans
tonight.

Theta's throwing one of their
biggest parties of the year,

the Theta-lympics.

What? Why are you all so quiet?

Did I accidentally say
something triggering again?

- Hey, I get that
your brother is in Theta,

but frats can be extremely
sexist, toxic nightmares.

I mean,
we have been campaigning

to abolish Greek life
for over a year now.

- Okay, look,
I know frats get a bad rap,

all right, but Theta actually
does a lot of good.

They just finished a
construction project in Mexico.

- Yeah, on the Señor Frog's
that they burned down.

- Okay, fine,
maybe they're not perfect.

But have any of you even been
to a frat party?

Hmm?

- I chained myself to
a tree outside one once.

- So we're making
a judgmental assumption?

- You're right.
- Thank you.

- Yeah, I mean,
we shouldn't be judging Theta

until we go
to one of their parties.

- Mm-hmm.

- So maybe we should all go
tonight.

No!

Oh, no, no, come on.

I mean, you guys have your
super fun drag queen thing.

- No, no, no, no,
let's give Theta a chance

to prove us wrong.

Send me that invite.

I can.

Just FYI,
they did photoshop a boob

into the Theta logo.

- And we're off
to a great start.

- I have the coolest fucking
plans tonight.

"The Catullan" editors
are throwing

a wine and cheese soirée.

- Yeah,
that doesn't sound cool.

But, hey,
things must be going well

if they invited you over.

- Oh, no,
they didn't invite me.

I overheard them invite
someone else,

so I got all the deets
I need to crash it.

Do we need to say something,

or do we just let her
do this craziness?

I'm still learning
your dynamic.

- Hey, I need facetime
with these dudes

however I can get it.

I want them to respect me,

and this is a hell of a lot
easier than growing a dick.

You know?

Hey, Hayden, sick tracksuit.

You get that
at the Essex bookstore?

- Pfft, nah,
it was team issued.

Drip-drip, right?

- Team-issued, like, for free?

- We didn't get those, did we?
- Nah.

The guys' team always gets
more shit than we do.

- Yeah, I don't know,
these were just waiting

for us in our lockers
after our last game.

Which you lost. Badly.

- I mean, did we really lose
if we had fun?

- Hmm.
- And, yes, we lost 7-1.

Are you kidding me?

- Welcome to the world of being
a female college athlete.

I try to ignore it
so I don't go insane,

but you should have seen me
last year when I first saw

how much nicer their
locker rooms are than ours.

How much nicer is it?

- Exactly.
I looked just like that.

- Hey, Canaan.
- Hey.

- You're kinda like
my only male friend so far,

- can I ask--
- Nope.

I see where this is heading,
and I do not do dating advice.

- Oh, my God, no.
This is so not about dating.

- But it is about a boy I like.
- Okay.

- Okay, when you're flirting
with a girl,

do you ever comment
on her Instagram

and then delete
said comment later?

- Wait, what?
- See, I told you.

You're dealing
with a sociopath.

A hot sociopath.
But honestly, most are hot.

- Look, Kimberly, I don't have
time for this conversation.

And neither do you.

These Econ problem set
is due at midnight,

and it's crazy hard.
Focus on that.

- Okay, I just can't tell
if he likes me or not.

Hmm.

- Look,
if he left a nice comment,

he probably meant it.

- Either that, or he's a fuckboy.
- So what do I do?

- You should do
your Econ homework.

- Look, if you want to know
if Nico's into you,

test it.

Post a story and see
if he checks it right away.

If he does, that means
you're really high up

in his algorithm,
and algorithms, they don't lie.

- Oh, my God, you're a genius!
- I know.

- Okay, so what should I put
in my story?

Like a topical TikTok dance,
or--

I can do
a SpongeBob impression.

Okay.

- You should not have custody
of your phone.

- Hey, my for-some-reason
shirtless brother.

- Oh, I'd make up a reason
for why my shirt is off,

but, honestly, it's because
I know I look good without it.

- What's up?

- I need to bring some other
girls with me tonight?

Dope. Other Kappa hopefuls?

- No, they're from the, um,
the Women's Center.

Oh. Less dope.

Uh.

Doesn't the Women's Center,
like, hate the frats

- and what to shut us down?
- Yes.

But everything
they know about frats is

from the Kavanaugh hearings.

All right, so just let them in,
and they'll see

- it's not as bad as they think.
- Leight, you don't understand.

Theta is already on thin ice
with the administration,

and one more complaint
could get us shut down.

- They are not going
to shut you down.

Tell that to Sigma Chi.

They used to be down the block,
and now their building is

an Amazon fulfillment center.

Look, Leight, please.

Just do us both a favor
and convince them not to come.

So upon some reflection,

I think we should all go
to your drag thing.

- Uh, sorry, Leight,
a deals a deal.

We're going to Theta.

- But if you want
to support Miranda Penis,

you can Venmo her tips.
It's @CharlesSmith78.

- Dude,
these sombreros are awesome.

- Is anyone in our delegation
a Women Studies major?

- Fuck no.
- Minor?

- Get out of here
with that crap.

No?

Shit.

- This is Whitney Chase,
starting forward

for the Essex
Women's soccer team,

and I am documenting
the disparity

between male and female
student athletes.

Now, I have been told
that the men's locker room is

significantly nicer
than the women's.

And, honestly, I--

Oh, you gotta be
fucking kidding me.

This is insane.

Wood-paneled lockers?

And next up,
the Essex fox mascot uniform

to cheer them on
while they dry their balls.

And let's see
what else they've got--

- What the fuck?
- Oh, shit.

Sorry.

- What the hell were
you thinking?

- I was spotlighting injustice
so I could go public

with the footage
and get it fixed.

- Right, 'cause news outlets
regularly share videos

of floppy 18-year-old penises.

Do you know how much trouble
you could have gotten into?

You're lucky I convinced
Coach Jim to let this go.

So that's your plan?

Just look away
and condone a system

where we get treated worse?

- Chase, I am a 54-year-old
lesbian soccer coach.

You don't need to tell me how
hard it is for female athletes.

Okay, and no,
that's not all I'm doing.

I'm also benching you
for two games.

What! That is so unfair.

You can go.

- Okay, so how soon
after you posted the story

- did Nico look at it?
- Two minutes.

- Damn, girl, my stalker
doesn't even check

my stories that fast.

And he served time.
Nico's into you.

- Okay, and then he invited
you to the Theta party?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, yeah.

That's a sex invite.
Shower good.

No, you're crazy.

- Kimberly, there is no other
way to interpret it.

Go for it, seize the dick.

- Okay, but then I replied
with a GIF

of a baby running real fast
saying, "I'm coming."

And he replied "JK,"

and then, "Whoops, that was
meant for someone else."

And that was it?

Hmm.

Maybe I should just stay in
and do my Econ.

I have to upload it
by midnight sharp

or I get a zero.

Or you should go tonight,

let him flirt
like this in person,

- and see if something happens.
- I agree with Jocelyn.

And I say that as someone

with extremely high
social intelligence.

All right, I'm gonna go crash
a cheese party

I wasn't invited to.

Seize the dick.

- Seize the dick.
- Hey!

- Seize the dick, seize the
dick.

Seize the dick, seize the dick.

- Bela,
what are you doing here?

- Uh, duh,
I'm here for the cheese thing.

You goof.

- Uh, hey, Coach Woods,
you wanted to see me?

Take a seat.

- Dalton, let's go!
- Dalton?

Okay, what is happening?

You mom has asked
for a meeting.

So thanks for making
a two-game suspension

a national security issue.

What?

Coach, I swear
I didn't ask her to do this.

I mean, I only--

- Hello.
Mom, what the hell?

- I'm reaching out
to your coach

because I would like
for her to explain

why my daughter called me,
all upset,

to tell me
she had been benched

for standing up
against discrimination.

- And we welcome
that opportunity.

But we do have rules.

- Senator, I assure you,
we love your daughter.

Like, all of us do. We all do.

Coach Woods included
even more so than I.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, who are you?

Uh, Dalton, assistant coach.

- Coach Woods, can you
turn the screen slightly

- to frame him out?
- Oh, yeah.

- Now,
as you probably can expect,

I cannot sit back
and allow my daughter

to be mistreated.

I'm not saying
I want to go to the dean

- about a leadership change--
- Mom, stop it!

Senator Chase,

I am willing to overturn
my previous decision.

But, uh, I hope you understand
why I took this so seriously.

Your daughter filmed naked boys

without their permission.

- Wait, I'm--I'm sorry, what?

- Well, she's lucky
the 17-year-old goalie

stayed in the sauna

since that would legally be
the creation

of child pornography.

- Could you angle me
towards my daughter?

Oh, yeah, you bet.

Nudes of a minor?

Jesus, Whitney,
we're not the Kennedys.

- Mom, I'm sorry, I just wanted
to make things right.

- You and I will talk
about this later.

- Yeah.

Thanks again, Gertrude.
Appreciate your time.

Girl, I love that blouse.

- Hey, what are you guys
talking about over here?

How cool this guy's hair is?

- Hmm?
- We were discussing Franzen.

Ugh, Franzen sucks.

My parents used to keep
this box of white Zinfandel

in their fridge.

One time,
I drank it all and barfed

in my cat's litter box.

- Do you mean Franzia?

The boxed wine?

- No, no,
I was obviously joking, guys.

- Uh, but hey, I'm gonna get
that, uh, cheese platter

somebody brought
and eat something

off of it.

- So which person here do you
find the most insufferable?

I'm going with the girl
who's mentioned

studying abroad in Syria,
like, nine times.

Oh, by the way,

I thought that last piece
you wrote was great.

The one about all the people
your immigrant dad

keeps confusing
with Jennifer Garner?

- Cool, thank you so much.
I'm glad you liked it.

I can say it comes
from a real place.

My immigrant dad confuses a lot
of people with Jennifer Garner.

- Well,
I wrote some notes on it,

- if you're interested.
- Oh, my God.

That would be great.

- We tossed all the sombreros,
kimonos, and fake afros.

We tried to get rid
of any and all triggers.

- Yeah, yeah, I mean,
it looks good.

I can't imagine
the Women's Center crew

being offended by any of this.

- Leighton, hi.
May we enter?

Where is everybody?

Does the party not begin
at 8 o'clock?

- It's 8:05,
that's an insane time to arrive

for an 8 o'clock party.

Uh, can I take your coat?

- I will keep it on
and buttoned, thank you.

- Great, yeah,
whatever makes you comfortable.

I made you a bread.

- Oh, that's--wow,
it's so heavy.

Cool. Uh, please.
Let me show you around.

- Nico, what a lovely
craftsman home you have.

- So tonight is gonna be
a shitshow, isn't it?

Heh, oh, yeah.

Um, do you want a drink?

- Oh, I already started
in the driveway.

But yeah,
let's continue drinking.

- Please.

Ginger, is that a bodycam?

- What? No, no.
This is a normal broach.

- Yeah, I think if you make
a few of these cuts,

it'll be great.

You should totally include this

in your final writing
submission.

- Really?
Cool, thank you so much.

Should we go back out there?

- Hey, before we go,
I want to show you

- this funny video I saw.
- Sure.

After yours, I have one too.

It's a lady who falls
with a milkshake.

- Theta-lympics are
a celebration

of competition and pageantry.

Uh, specifically,
drinking competition

- and drinking pageantry.
- Okay.

- But note that we take every
possible precaution.

Drinks are poured
by licensed bartenders.

And two brothers
have been designated

as sober problem-solvers.

You can calm down.

Look, I know that you think
I'm some, like,

- big, scary lesbian protester--
- Whoa!

Coming to get you.

- I did not know
that you are a lesbian.

It would be rude
if I'd assumed that.

Nico, less.

- Hey, so, I'm just here
to have a good time.

Now, would you please hold
my feet for a keg stand?

- Only if you hold mine
afterwards.

- Equality.
- Oh, my God.

- Okay, cool.
Needs more ice.

- Uh, actually,
I am gonna go make sure

that Ginger has her
gluten-free beer.

Check on her.

- But really, I'm here for me.
Not for him.

- I don't even care if I see him.
- Okay, good.

- Yeah, tonight's a "me" night.
- Mm.

- But in the event
that I do see him,

should I mention him deleting
the Instagram comment?

- Hi,
what's going on over here?

Actually, I don't care.

I'm just trying
to avoid someone, so.

Damn, okay.

- Hey, there she is.
- Hey.

- How was
the wine and cheese thing?

It was fine.

- That's it?
- Yeah, what?

- What's wrong?
- You're acting weird.

Yeah, your vibes are way off.

- Yeah, um, something sort of
weird actually did happen.

One of "The Catullan" editors
was giving me notes on a piece,

and then he put on a porn.

- What? Why did he do that?
- Were you hooking up with him?

- No, we were just talking,
and then he put it on.

- So like a predator does.
- No, not like a predator.

It was friendly.

He said he just wanted
to show me a funny video.

- And the funny video was porn?
- Bela, I don't like this.

- Was the porn
even funny though?

- That's the thing,
I couldn't figure out

what the funny part was,

but I must have missed
something.

It's fine.

- Well, do you remember
what it was called?

- Maybe he thought it was funny
that they kept their socks on?

No, I don't think so.

- Is it funny that his balls
are a different color

than his penis?

- Was he laughing
while you were watching?

- No,
he was just staring at it

and, like, breathed heavy.

We didn't even make eye contact
until it ended.

- Yeah, hey, final decision.
This guy is weird as fuck.

- Yeah, I agree.
You should avoid him.

- Okay, if this was Eric,
that would be one thing,

but this is Ryan.
He's the nice one.

Hey!

No watching porn tonight!

We are on our best behavior.

- Okay, all right,
this is gonna be okay.

But listen,
I'm gonna need you to sweep

like you've never swept before.

- Yo,
I am the king of sweeping.

- Hit it.
- Go. Okay, go! Go, sweep!

Sweep! Oh!

- What!
- Fuck yes! Yes.

- Looks like Nico's got himself
a new Barbie doll.

Her?

Girl, what the hell did
your Barbie dolls look like?

- Great job, Nico!
- Hey!

- Hey!
- Thanks, man.

Did he just call you "man"?

- Maybe he said "ma'am."
- That's not better.

- Hey!
- Hey! Thank you!

- All right,
I'm gonna get you later.

All right, sounds good.

- Oh.
- Oof.

- What the hell, I just--

- Oh.
- Of course it's you.

- Oh, take it easy.
What are you gonna do?

Grab some more pics of my dick
for your personal collection?

- That's not what I was doing.
- Okay.

- Look, do you think it's fair
that a men's soccer team

with a losing record gets
tons of swag

while a women's team with
a winning record gets nothing?

- Okay,
I think that we get shit

because people actually come
to our games.

And people prefer men's sports

because we're better
natural athletes.

We're stronger, we're faster,
and we have bigger muscles.

Was that too real
of an answer for you?

- You really think
you're faster than me?

- Yeah, mm-hmm.

Prove it.

- Um, why are there so many
sombreros in that dumpster?

- I think when they heard
we were coming,

they ditched some of the more
problematic elements

of this party,
and by problematic,

I do mean deeply,
deeply racist.

- We?
- Huh?

- You just said, "When
they heard we were coming."

What, are--are you
one of us now?

Oh, a Women's Center person?

Um, are you insane?
I would sooner do improv.

Oh, God, we're that bad?

- Yeah, you're right,
I crossed a line.

- Ooh.

- oh, oh, yeah...

- Dude, can you please not take
a piss right next to us?

I mean, I came here to drink,
not see the side of your dick.

- Whatever.
- Asshole.

- If you don't like it,
leave, you dyke.

- What the fuck
did you just call me?

Fuck off.

Take that, motherfucker.

Yes, this dyke is kicking
your fucking ass!

- Alicia! Alicia! Alicia, stop!
- Get off of me.

What the hell?

- Who's side are you on,
anyway?

Did you see that?

Wait, Alicia. Wait up.

Alicia. Alicia, stop.

Why?

So that you can get mad
at me for defending myself

against that fucking dick?

- No, I just didn't want
to see you get hurt.

Okay,
that guy could have killed you.

I know you think you're tough,

but you are fucking
5 feet tall.

I am 5'2"!

- Okay, I am so, so sorry that
that happened.

Okay, and I'm so sorry
that I brought you here.

I--I swear to God,
I've never seen these guys

- do anything like that before.
- Yeah, of course you haven't.

Because they don't treat you
like they treat me.

I'm just this queer girl
that they can't fuck.

But you, you're this pretty,
blonde, straight girl

who they actually think is
worthy of respect.

- That--that's not true.
- Yes, it is.

No.

No--no, I mean, what--

what you said about me.

You're wrong.

What part am I wrong about?

- Whoa, I was,
like, really wrong about you.

Shut up.

- Let's go, let's go.

All right, all right.

First one to a mile
permanently proves

which gender is superior.

Three, two, one, go!

- See me all day, baby.
- I got you.

- Okay.
- Yeah, okay.

Hey, Kimberly, wait up.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I feel terrible.

Like, I invited you,
I got busy,

and I barely saw you.

Oh, I didn't even notice.

I was just hanging out
with so many friends.

Right.

- But I have to get going.
Homework.

Oh.

Do you want me to walk you?

Yeah, you can do that.

- Sure.

- Give it up for feminism!
- Yeah!

- I'm close!
- You're gonna win!

No, no, no, no, no!

Yeah! That's right!

Yeah, that's right!

I guess men are faster
than women after all.

Whoa!

- Shit.

Nevertheless, she persisted!

- So was the Theta-lympics
everything you hoped for?

Yeah.

I mean, no one spilled
a beer on me,

so it was easily my favorite
Theta party yet.

Hey,

did you leave a comment on my
Instagram and then delete it?

Yes.

I didn't want anyone reading it
and getting the wrong idea.

The wrong idea like what?

You're my sister's roommate,
and I'm tutoring you,

and I shouldn't be saying
you look, uh...

You know.

I should get back.

Thanks for walking me home.

No problem.

Oh, shit.

Fuck.

Fuck.

- Are you seriously leaving
right now?

- No, it's just late.
That's all.

Look, I get it.

I always used to rush away
after sex too.

Instead, you know, maybe you
could just come sit down.

We could order some Postmates,

maybe watch some
"Indian Matchmaker."

Okay.

Okay, I will stay
for one to six episodes.

Okay.

- Um, could I borrow
your Netflix login?

- Are you serious?
Did you get hurt?

- I'm fine.
You should see the treadmill.

My chin definitely dented it.

Whit, we need to talk.

We can't do this anymore.

Are you breaking up with me?

It's my fault.

This whole thing was wrong.

And it was inappropriate for
me to ever go along with it.

"Go along with it"?

Look, we just need to end it.

- I don't--I don't understand.

Wait, is this because
of the--the call with my mom?

- Whit, if she ever found out
we're together,

I'd be done. You know it.

She would have me so cancelled.

It would be this big story, and
no school would ever hire me.

- Wait, so--so what now?

We just go on pretending
everything's normal,

and you go home
to your fucking wife

and hope she forgives you
and takes you back?

I never actually told her.

- You shouldn't
tell anyone, either.

We both have a lot to lose.

What the fuck?

Go to bed.