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1
00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:03,403
- Argh! Walk the plank!
2
00:00:03,471 --> 00:00:05,339
- [loud wailing]
- [groans]
3
00:00:05,405 --> 00:00:06,873
There goes another one.
4
00:00:06,940 --> 00:00:08,875
- [wailing continues]
5
00:00:08,942 --> 00:00:11,079
- My sister Ellen
and her boyfriend Gordie
6
00:00:11,144 --> 00:00:12,880
broke up...again!
7
00:00:12,945 --> 00:00:14,981
It's pretty much
wrecking everything.
8
00:00:15,048 --> 00:00:17,085
Please enjoy this
deeply disturbing flashback
9
00:00:17,150 --> 00:00:18,751
to see what I mean.
10
00:00:18,818 --> 00:00:20,321
- Nothing like a little
father and son bonding,
11
00:00:20,388 --> 00:00:21,388
don't you think?
12
00:00:21,454 --> 00:00:23,022
- [loud sobbing]
- [screams]
13
00:00:26,426 --> 00:00:28,161
Huh, only a little expired.
14
00:00:28,228 --> 00:00:30,231
- [loud sobbing]
- Ah!
15
00:00:30,297 --> 00:00:32,332
Aww...oof!
- Gah!
16
00:00:36,304 --> 00:00:38,472
- Ow! Dad!
- Shh.
17
00:00:39,439 --> 00:00:40,707
- Is she done?
18
00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:44,344
- [loud wailing]
19
00:00:44,411 --> 00:00:45,713
- Ah!
20
00:00:47,081 --> 00:00:49,283
- [sobbing]
- [groans]
21
00:00:49,350 --> 00:00:50,984
This can't go on.
22
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,387
[upbeat music]
23
00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:55,756
- * Don't want to go
to school today *
24
00:00:55,823 --> 00:00:58,526
* The sun is red hot
and I wanna play *
25
00:00:58,591 --> 00:01:01,161
* But if I get caught
they'll make me pay *
26
00:01:01,228 --> 00:01:02,729
* Detention again *
27
00:01:02,795 --> 00:01:04,231
- * Big Nate, Big Nate *
28
00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:05,665
- * Math and social studies
just ain't my thing *
29
00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:07,067
- * Big Nate, Big Nate *
30
00:01:07,135 --> 00:01:09,001
- * Rocking with my band
is where I'm king *
31
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:14,674
* Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test *
32
00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:16,543
- * Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh *
33
00:01:16,609 --> 00:01:18,010
* Big Nate *
34
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,912
[loud clang]
35
00:01:19,980 --> 00:01:22,450
[loud crash]
36
00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:25,918
- If a year's worth of sugar
and cheesy romance novels
37
00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:28,489
gets my sister to stop crying,
I'm game.
38
00:01:28,555 --> 00:01:30,957
- "The Purposefully
Accidental Bride."
39
00:01:31,024 --> 00:01:32,859
Ooh, "Crabby Lust",
40
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:35,628
"Love Doth Know No Calories?"
Mmm.
41
00:01:35,695 --> 00:01:37,230
You old enough
for these, brother?
42
00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:39,799
- [chuckles] Yeah, brother.
43
00:01:39,866 --> 00:01:41,368
Pretty sure I am.
44
00:01:43,403 --> 00:01:45,739
- Hey, Zudy, one more restock
45
00:01:45,805 --> 00:01:49,009
on Jane Steele's new book.
46
00:01:49,075 --> 00:01:52,313
- Huh. This Jane Steele lady,
she's pretty popular, huh?
47
00:01:52,379 --> 00:01:53,947
- Uh, yeah, little bro.
48
00:01:54,014 --> 00:01:57,651
Romance novels
are major cash cows.
49
00:01:57,718 --> 00:02:00,153
- [gasps] Cash cow?
50
00:02:00,221 --> 00:02:03,356
- I totally would've written
a bunch of these myself by now,
51
00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:05,393
but I need inspiration,
you know?
52
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,996
I need a muse.
- A muse, huh?
53
00:02:09,862 --> 00:02:12,098
Ellen! Breakup present.
54
00:02:13,533 --> 00:02:14,701
You're welcome.
55
00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:15,936
- People that say
"you're welcome"
56
00:02:16,002 --> 00:02:17,305
without getting thanked
are lame.
57
00:02:17,371 --> 00:02:18,538
- [groans]
58
00:02:18,605 --> 00:02:20,139
- Oh, my God, I know.
- [groans]
59
00:02:20,207 --> 00:02:22,175
- I can't believe it either.
Yeah, seriously.
60
00:02:22,242 --> 00:02:23,644
Why can't the guys
in real life be like
61
00:02:23,711 --> 00:02:25,978
the ones in the Jane Steele
books, you know?
62
00:02:26,045 --> 00:02:29,115
- Romance novels
are major cash cows.
63
00:02:29,182 --> 00:02:33,052
All you need is
a muse, muse, muse.
64
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,489
[cow mooing]
65
00:02:35,555 --> 00:02:38,225
- Moo, moo, moo.
66
00:02:38,292 --> 00:02:41,762
- All these thought bubbles
are giving me a bright idea.
67
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:44,063
Time to turn
Ellen's teenage turmoil
68
00:02:44,131 --> 00:02:45,733
into cold hard cash.
69
00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:47,335
- I couldn't believe it either.
70
00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:49,637
I mean we both know
there's someone else, right?
71
00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:51,472
I wish somebody was out there,
somebody who would--
72
00:02:51,538 --> 00:02:52,772
- Okay, so we open
with a princess,
73
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,608
sad and alone,
and really bad at singing.
74
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,175
Like, animals die
when she sings.
75
00:02:56,243 --> 00:03:00,813
- [wailing]
76
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,515
- Then some prince dumps her,
77
00:03:02,582 --> 00:03:04,151
so she's acting all lame
and crying and stuff.
78
00:03:04,217 --> 00:03:05,919
But then she meets
a headless farmhand.
79
00:03:05,985 --> 00:03:07,854
Oh, yeah.
80
00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:09,456
They get married and have
lots of weird babies
81
00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:10,758
and everything's great.
82
00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:12,460
But then, Headless Guy
totally runs off
83
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,762
with her best maiden, leaving
the princess alone again,
84
00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:17,431
but now with two babies
to care for.
85
00:03:17,497 --> 00:03:20,967
And finished!
86
00:03:21,033 --> 00:03:25,673
"Belle's a Ringin: A Tale of
Love, Loss, and Headless Lust."
87
00:03:25,739 --> 00:03:27,540
Hey, hey, I know
what you're thinking.
88
00:03:27,608 --> 00:03:29,643
Borrowing Ellen's pathetic life
89
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:32,012
for my own personal gain.
Uncool.
90
00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:34,114
But hey, it's not like
she's gonna know.
91
00:03:34,180 --> 00:03:36,783
Okay, let's see, let's see.
Fine print, fine print.
92
00:03:36,849 --> 00:03:38,018
Rules, rules, rules,
rules, rules.
93
00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:39,652
Submission guidelines.
Ooh, ooh!
94
00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:42,456
I get to pick a pen name.
95
00:03:42,522 --> 00:03:44,258
Wayne...uh--
96
00:03:44,324 --> 00:03:47,461
[dog howls]
97
00:03:47,527 --> 00:03:50,663
Canine, attorney at law.
98
00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:53,066
Profile photo? Uh-oh.
99
00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:54,502
Okay, let's see.
100
00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:57,638
"Super awesome
guy man dude person."
101
00:03:57,704 --> 00:03:59,906
Huh. I guess this guy
looks pretty cool.
102
00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:01,875
Yeah, just needs a mustache.
103
00:04:11,050 --> 00:04:13,920
Ha! The resemblance is uncanny.
104
00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:17,658
- I think it's fine.
105
00:04:19,225 --> 00:04:21,894
Imitation is the
highest form of flattery.
106
00:04:21,961 --> 00:04:24,865
- But you faked your identity.
What if you get caught?
107
00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:27,199
- Hey, we're talking about
getting rich, Francis.
108
00:04:27,266 --> 00:04:29,370
Money trumps ethics.
109
00:04:29,437 --> 00:04:31,771
- Time is up, little ones.
110
00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:34,707
- Already?
- Oh, man!
111
00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:38,144
- Nate Wright and friends,
I am full of regret,
112
00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:42,014
but I will need to receive
my pork butt back now.
113
00:04:42,081 --> 00:04:43,451
[sniffs]
114
00:04:43,516 --> 00:04:45,084
Delightful to the touch.
115
00:04:45,151 --> 00:04:47,987
Is very good job
of meat tenderizing.
116
00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:51,324
You will all receive
extra helping of cricket
117
00:04:51,391 --> 00:04:52,759
at snack time.
118
00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,596
- Ew!
- [groans]
119
00:04:55,663 --> 00:04:58,298
- Oh, great.
What are we gonna do now?
120
00:04:58,365 --> 00:05:01,267
Pork punching is, like, the
only safe activity out here.
121
00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:03,504
- [humming] Ah!
122
00:05:03,571 --> 00:05:05,605
[whistle blows]
123
00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:08,541
[electrical zapping]
[children screaming]
124
00:05:08,608 --> 00:05:11,110
- [snickering]
125
00:05:11,177 --> 00:05:13,180
[grunts]
126
00:05:13,245 --> 00:05:14,648
Worth it.
127
00:05:18,386 --> 00:05:19,353
Yay!
128
00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:20,721
- Well, hello, kiddos.
129
00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:22,923
Fine sunny afternoon
for recess, isn't it?
130
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:24,891
- Are you joking?
This place looks like
131
00:05:24,957 --> 00:05:27,528
it's been decimated
by a tornado.
132
00:05:27,595 --> 00:05:29,161
[children scream]
133
00:05:29,228 --> 00:05:32,899
- [chuckles] Oh, please.
This playground is old school.
134
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:36,269
Nah, you're getting
a true recess experience.
135
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,605
- Oh, no. Not again!
136
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:40,874
- Someone must've taken down
137
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:42,942
the soft pavement
warning signs.
138
00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:45,413
Let me go lookay into that.
Gotta go!
139
00:05:45,478 --> 00:05:46,947
[monster screeching]
140
00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:49,516
- [groans]
- Oof!
141
00:05:49,582 --> 00:05:51,084
[phone rings]
142
00:05:51,151 --> 00:05:52,985
- Hello? Emotionally stable
household here.
143
00:05:53,052 --> 00:05:55,254
- Yes, hello there, young man.
144
00:05:55,322 --> 00:05:57,625
Can I please speak
with your father?
145
00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:58,891
- Oh, he said
he sent the money
146
00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:00,793
and to please stop
turning the water off.
147
00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:03,463
- No, no, no, no.
I'm looking for Mr. Canine.
148
00:06:03,531 --> 00:06:04,732
[dog howls]
149
00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:07,668
Mr. Wayne Canine,
attorney at law?
150
00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:10,538
- Oh, yeah!
Okay, uh, back in a jiffy.
151
00:06:10,603 --> 00:06:14,307
Wayne! I mean, uh, uh,
Dad, phone!
152
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,043
[clears throat]
153
00:06:16,108 --> 00:06:18,778
[deep voice]
Hello, Wayne Canine speaking.
154
00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:20,680
[dog yelps]
155
00:06:20,747 --> 00:06:24,216
- Samantha Stoneheart, editor
at Page Turners Inc. here.
156
00:06:24,283 --> 00:06:27,555
We truly loved
your graphic novel.
157
00:06:27,620 --> 00:06:29,189
- Oh, wow.
158
00:06:29,255 --> 00:06:31,858
As you can tell
from my deep, mature,
159
00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:34,060
and fully gone through
puberty voice,
160
00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:36,329
I am overjoyed to hear this.
161
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,966
- Now we just need
to discuss your quote.
162
00:06:39,031 --> 00:06:41,668
- [munching]
My, uh, my quote?
163
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:45,605
- We do have to pay you for
your first book, Mr. Canine.
164
00:06:45,673 --> 00:06:47,574
[cow moos]
165
00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:50,143
- Mm, yes, of course.
166
00:06:50,209 --> 00:06:56,115
I would like 30...
bags of cheesy snacks, please.
167
00:06:56,182 --> 00:07:01,021
- You're sure
you only want 30 bags?
168
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:05,425
- Oh. I meant 30 hundred--
300 bags.
169
00:07:05,492 --> 00:07:07,360
- Great. Consider it done.
170
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,596
We'll need the other five books
as required in your contract.
171
00:07:09,663 --> 00:07:12,466
Just send me a list
of what you'd like as payment.
172
00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:15,268
- Five other books?
173
00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:19,439
- Okay, guys,
174
00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:20,707
new plan for recess today.
175
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:23,476
- Anything to get out
of thorn bush tag.
176
00:07:23,543 --> 00:07:26,713
[children yelping]
177
00:07:26,779 --> 00:07:27,880
- Yikes.
178
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:30,283
- Hey, do I have anything
on my face?
179
00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:34,286
I think the pain centers
in my brain shut down.
180
00:07:34,353 --> 00:07:36,389
Oh!
- Ugh!
181
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,290
- So what's your recess
plan, Nate?
182
00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:39,726
- Oh, you guys
are gonna love it.
183
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:42,228
You're all gonna
help me write five novels.
184
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:43,497
- Yes!
- What?
185
00:07:43,564 --> 00:07:45,665
- Bro, you know I would do
anything for you.
186
00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:46,966
Not really.
187
00:07:47,033 --> 00:07:48,901
But why are we getting
roped into your problem?
188
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:52,271
- [chuckles]
300 bags of cheesy snacks
189
00:07:52,338 --> 00:07:54,675
enough rope for you?
- Yup, that'll work.
190
00:07:54,742 --> 00:07:56,909
- That's a lot of
Thiamine mononitrate.
191
00:07:56,976 --> 00:07:58,846
- Yeah and that's
just the beginning.
192
00:07:58,911 --> 00:08:01,380
They said they'd meet
whatever our demands are
193
00:08:01,447 --> 00:08:03,083
for the next batch.
Here's the deal.
194
00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:05,117
We spy on everyone we know,
195
00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:07,754
borrow their life stories,
use our imaginations
196
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,456
to make them sound
actually interesting.
197
00:08:09,523 --> 00:08:11,257
I draw up the art,
bada-bing, bada-boom,
198
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:12,992
five more graphic novels.
199
00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:16,663
I mean, it's so complicated,
it might just work.
200
00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:19,600
Dee Dee, stick to Nichols.
- On it.
201
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:20,701
- I know Mother,
but speed dating
202
00:08:20,768 --> 00:08:22,334
just isn't what it used to be--
203
00:08:22,401 --> 00:08:24,805
- [chatter]
204
00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:26,238
- My love handles?
205
00:08:26,305 --> 00:08:28,408
Do not make this
about my diet, Mother!
206
00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:32,580
- Francis, you handle Godfrey.
207
00:08:32,645 --> 00:08:34,480
- Location? Rackleff.
208
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:37,216
Hobbies? Cats.
209
00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:38,918
Six things
I can't live without?
210
00:08:38,985 --> 00:08:41,654
Well, I have seven cats
so I'm going to skip this one.
211
00:08:41,721 --> 00:08:44,825
It wouldn't be fair
to Jermaine du-Purr.
212
00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:47,595
- Teddy,
you've got Uncle Pedro.
213
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:48,995
- Hey, Uncle Pedro.
214
00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:50,963
Do you have any fun stories
from middle school?
215
00:08:56,235 --> 00:09:00,206
- And Chad, you have
the most dangerous job of all.
216
00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:01,508
Chad?
217
00:09:01,575 --> 00:09:03,777
- [giggling]
- What is he up to now?
218
00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:05,745
- I'm almost there.
I'm almost there!
219
00:09:05,812 --> 00:09:07,114
- Ugh, come on, Chad!
You can do it!
220
00:09:07,179 --> 00:09:08,749
[all scream]
221
00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:13,019
All right, no more vertical
slide for you this week, okay?
222
00:09:13,086 --> 00:09:16,889
We need you in one piece.
- Okay, okay.
223
00:09:16,956 --> 00:09:18,625
I promise.
224
00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:20,460
- Now, I need you
to get some intel
225
00:09:20,527 --> 00:09:22,162
on the girls in our grade,
226
00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:23,730
okay, pal?
- Okay, Nate.
227
00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:26,099
- And I'm on Ellen
rebound patrol.
228
00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:28,434
Now, everyone scurry
in different directions.
229
00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:31,071
Ready? Go.
230
00:09:31,138 --> 00:09:32,773
[grunting] C'mon, Chad.
231
00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:34,374
Let's go get you a chew toy.
232
00:09:34,441 --> 00:09:36,576
- [grunting]
233
00:09:36,644 --> 00:09:41,447
[chuckles]
Nate, what are you up to now?
234
00:09:41,514 --> 00:09:43,716
[evil laughter]
235
00:09:43,783 --> 00:09:46,019
Huh? Ah!
236
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:52,491
He's ok, but like he needs
to commit to his chin straps.
237
00:09:52,558 --> 00:09:54,662
- Gotta write this down.
Gotta write this down.
238
00:09:54,727 --> 00:09:58,631
Come on. Stupid bag.
239
00:09:58,698 --> 00:10:01,134
Got it! But wait, am I in the--
240
00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:02,335
[gasps]
241
00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:03,971
[screams]
242
00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:09,009
- Um, you okay in there?
243
00:10:09,076 --> 00:10:10,576
- [high-pitched] Um, yes.
244
00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:12,745
- Are you sure?
- Please go away!
245
00:10:12,812 --> 00:10:16,515
- All right, fine.
Don't wanna hurt you.
246
00:10:19,519 --> 00:10:21,388
- [sighs]
247
00:10:21,453 --> 00:10:23,090
[yelps] Oh!
248
00:10:23,155 --> 00:10:25,125
What do I do, what do I do,
what do I do, what do I do?
249
00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:27,193
[loud groaning]
250
00:10:27,259 --> 00:10:29,062
- [screams]
251
00:10:31,331 --> 00:10:33,801
-There's no escape!
252
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:39,105
- I wonder
if this one's any good.
253
00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:43,342
- This guy, Wayne Canine,
he's been making waves lately.
254
00:10:43,409 --> 00:10:47,080
- Hmm...
"Belle's A Ringin'," eh?
255
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:50,616
- * One, you're like
a dream come true *
256
00:10:50,683 --> 00:10:52,652
- No, no!
- * Two, just wanna *
257
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,586
* Be with you *
258
00:10:54,653 --> 00:10:55,621
* Three *
259
00:10:55,688 --> 00:10:58,692
- Pew, pew, pew!
260
00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:00,927
- It's like this book
was written for me.
261
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:03,263
And the author
is a low key snack.
262
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:04,530
Do you have a signed copy?
263
00:11:04,596 --> 00:11:06,133
- No, but he's a local,
264
00:11:06,198 --> 00:11:08,567
so I'm sure you can get one.
265
00:11:08,634 --> 00:11:10,803
You know, I've been known to do
266
00:11:10,870 --> 00:11:13,907
a little writin' myself,
mostly on my back.
267
00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:15,241
- Yeah, okay, whatever, Zeff.
268
00:11:15,307 --> 00:11:18,144
Did you say that Wayne Canine
is from Rackleff?
269
00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:21,581
Amelia? Okay, I am obsessed.
270
00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:23,450
Okay, so my fan petition
is to get him
271
00:11:23,515 --> 00:11:26,219
to do a reading in town.
Will you sign?
272
00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:29,121
Yay! I love you. Mwah!
273
00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,524
- * Butt cheeks,
do-do-da-do-do-do-da *
274
00:11:31,591 --> 00:11:33,460
* Butt cheeks, yeah *
275
00:11:33,525 --> 00:11:36,196
* Butt cheeks,
do-do-da-do-do-do-da *
276
00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:38,565
* Butt cheeks *
277
00:11:38,630 --> 00:11:41,500
* Butt cheeks, yeah *
- [screams]
278
00:11:41,567 --> 00:11:43,903
- Huh?
279
00:11:43,971 --> 00:11:45,471
Wait...
280
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,639
this isn't my litterbox.
281
00:11:47,706 --> 00:11:50,911
Someone get me out of here!
Anyone, please.
282
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:56,249
- [laughs] All right.
283
00:11:56,316 --> 00:12:00,253
Five books finished, time to
enjoy the fruits of our labor.
284
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,056
- Sweet! Matching outfits.
285
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:04,724
- Whoa!
286
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:14,667
- This is very suspicious,
Nate Wright.
287
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:18,404
- Nate, did you order a--
- A tiger!
288
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:21,073
We'll call her Linda.
- [roars]
289
00:12:22,341 --> 00:12:25,278
- Ha! "The Cat Lady's Desire."
290
00:12:25,345 --> 00:12:28,048
What the mustard sauce is this?
291
00:12:28,115 --> 00:12:30,116
I'll take this as well,
young man.
292
00:12:30,182 --> 00:12:32,418
- All right,
just a few more pennies.
293
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:33,986
- Principal Nichols!
- [yelps]
294
00:12:34,053 --> 00:12:37,057
- This cat lady
remind you of anyone?
295
00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:39,960
- I don't have time
to deal with this.
296
00:12:40,027 --> 00:12:42,729
We had another student fall off
the vertical slide today.
297
00:12:42,796 --> 00:12:44,932
- Fine, fine.
What about this spectacled owl?
298
00:12:44,998 --> 00:12:47,868
Looks a tad like you,
doesn't he?
299
00:12:47,934 --> 00:12:49,970
I'm sorry, Clara.
It's probably just
300
00:12:50,037 --> 00:12:52,004
an enormous coincidence,
a'ight?
301
00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:54,740
- Well, I for one am going
to this book signing
302
00:12:54,807 --> 00:12:58,211
and demanding answers
from this Wayne Canine.
303
00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:00,613
[dog howls]
304
00:13:00,679 --> 00:13:02,481
- [sighs]
305
00:13:02,548 --> 00:13:04,716
Hm, "chubby speed dating
headmaster
306
00:13:04,783 --> 00:13:06,953
with an inherited
glandular problem."
307
00:13:07,019 --> 00:13:08,020
[chuckles]
308
00:13:08,087 --> 00:13:10,057
That sounds a lot like--what?
309
00:13:11,758 --> 00:13:14,061
- So thanks to me, Wayne Canine
310
00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:15,794
will be doing a book signing
in Rackleff.
311
00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:18,764
[dog howls]
And I get to meet him.
312
00:13:18,831 --> 00:13:20,200
- I think that's great, Ellen.
313
00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:22,769
If it's okay with you,
I'd love to join.
314
00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:25,238
- [groans] Okay, fine.
315
00:13:25,304 --> 00:13:27,975
But just don't, like,
be super weird about it.
316
00:13:28,041 --> 00:13:30,143
- We're doomed.
We're gonna get so busted.
317
00:13:30,210 --> 00:13:33,312
- It's okay, it's okay.
Dee Dee's got this.
318
00:13:33,379 --> 00:13:35,514
All we need is a real life
Wayne Canine.
319
00:13:35,581 --> 00:13:37,450
[dog howls]
320
00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:38,851
Whose dog is that?
321
00:13:38,918 --> 00:13:41,321
- As in an adult to play along
with our plan?
322
00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:44,591
- No, we need someone
so forgettable
323
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:46,393
and unrecognizable,
324
00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:49,062
that not a soul in Rackleff
will suspect a thing.
325
00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:50,998
- Well, yeah,
but how can we find someone
326
00:13:51,063 --> 00:13:54,134
so utterly pathetic
and completely unknown?
327
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:01,073
- [yelps]
328
00:14:01,140 --> 00:14:02,375
- [chuckles]
329
00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:05,879
- Nate Wright,
whose tiger is in the yard?
330
00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:10,383
- Okay, I'm really,
really sorry.
331
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:12,919
But Dad,
I did it for the family.
332
00:14:14,553 --> 00:14:15,923
All right, it was
purely selfish.
333
00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:17,823
Will you please
just help us, Dad?
334
00:14:17,890 --> 00:14:19,960
Think of Ellen,
your only daughter.
335
00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:22,761
I mean if Wayne Canine is
a no-show at the book signing,
336
00:14:22,828 --> 00:14:25,197
she's gonna be heartbroken
all over again.
337
00:14:25,264 --> 00:14:26,466
She needs you.
338
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,567
I need you, Dad.
339
00:14:28,634 --> 00:14:30,102
[all whimpering]
340
00:14:31,337 --> 00:14:33,072
- [sniffles]
341
00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:38,711
- Wow, Dad.
You look, uh, like--
342
00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:39,846
- A handsome detective--
343
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:41,880
[gasps] right?
344
00:14:41,948 --> 00:14:43,883
- Uh, yeah, okay, sure.
345
00:14:43,951 --> 00:14:45,284
that's totally
what I was gonna say.
346
00:14:45,351 --> 00:14:47,220
Now remember, you're gonna
have me in your ear
347
00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:48,721
for the question
and answer part
348
00:14:48,788 --> 00:14:50,856
so I can feed you
"author jargon."
349
00:14:50,923 --> 00:14:51,959
I'll be right outside
the book store
350
00:14:52,024 --> 00:14:53,525
in a creepy old station wagon.
351
00:14:53,592 --> 00:14:55,128
- You mean my station wagon?
352
00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:56,996
- Yeah, yeah,
that's the station wagon.
353
00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:59,265
- Here's the plan.
I'll be manning base command.
354
00:14:59,331 --> 00:15:01,634
Teddy, you run
in-store surveillance.
355
00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:03,235
Francis, you're with Nate.
356
00:15:03,302 --> 00:15:04,571
And Chad, you--
357
00:15:04,636 --> 00:15:07,307
Chad?
358
00:15:07,374 --> 00:15:09,341
Has anybody seen Chad?
359
00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:10,876
- Who's Chad?
360
00:15:10,943 --> 00:15:13,879
[desolate music]
361
00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:19,186
* *
362
00:15:19,251 --> 00:15:20,852
- [deep voice]
Do you have anything
363
00:15:20,919 --> 00:15:22,522
to say for yourself, Henry?
364
00:15:22,588 --> 00:15:24,957
[high-pitched] Those mulch
piles were public property.
365
00:15:25,024 --> 00:15:26,525
I had every right.
366
00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:28,294
[gasping]
367
00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:29,596
I will have order.
368
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:31,364
Order in this court, I say.
369
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:32,499
Order!
370
00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:34,533
[gasps]
371
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,604
Ah, delivery is here, sweetie.
372
00:15:37,669 --> 00:15:40,407
Oh! [sniffs]
373
00:15:40,472 --> 00:15:42,408
[rabid munching]
374
00:15:47,246 --> 00:15:49,115
- Dad, are we carpooling?
375
00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:51,683
- Be down in a jiff,
sweetheart.
376
00:15:51,750 --> 00:15:53,820
Oh, oh, um, we gotta bring
377
00:15:53,885 --> 00:15:55,355
Nate and his friends, okay?
378
00:15:55,422 --> 00:15:57,289
We're, uh, fumigating.
379
00:15:57,356 --> 00:16:00,126
- Ugh, Dad!
380
00:16:00,192 --> 00:16:01,961
- Cheese and rice, Martin.
381
00:16:02,028 --> 00:16:03,696
This was your chance
to bond with your daughter.
382
00:16:03,763 --> 00:16:04,764
Don't blow this!
383
00:16:04,831 --> 00:16:06,332
[mustache tears] Ah!
384
00:16:09,869 --> 00:16:11,104
- [chuckles]
385
00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:13,440
- Hey, why don't you all
head in. I have to--
386
00:16:13,505 --> 00:16:15,475
- Okay, I'll save you
a spot maybe.
387
00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:17,909
- Okay, you've got like
t-minus five seconds
388
00:16:17,976 --> 00:16:20,080
to become Wayne again, Dad.
389
00:16:22,514 --> 00:16:24,017
- Hey, look, he's here.
390
00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:25,618
It's Wayne Canine!
391
00:16:25,684 --> 00:16:27,787
- Oh, hey, uh, hi.
392
00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:30,490
Nice to meet you.
Thanks for coming out.
393
00:16:30,557 --> 00:16:32,058
- Excuse me, Mr. Canine,
394
00:16:32,125 --> 00:16:34,860
make it out to
your, uh, biggest fan.
395
00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:37,929
- [chokes up]
396
00:16:37,996 --> 00:16:40,167
- Thank you, thank you!
397
00:16:40,232 --> 00:16:42,335
Oh, I will treasure
this forever.
398
00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:45,038
- Nate,
I'll be your Wayne Canine
399
00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:47,206
whenever you need me to.
400
00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:49,741
And so they rode on,
401
00:16:49,808 --> 00:16:51,443
through the ozone layer,
on fire,
402
00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:54,413
in real life
and also metaphorically.
403
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:56,849
The end.
[crowd cheering]
404
00:16:57,584 --> 00:16:59,552
- [laughs] Wow!
405
00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:02,455
I am such a great writer.
406
00:17:03,855 --> 00:17:05,325
Oh, nice work, Dad.
They totally bought it.
407
00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:09,296
- No need to give me
all the cred.
408
00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:10,730
Huh? Ah!
409
00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:12,065
- I have a question.
- Ah, yes.
410
00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:13,732
Uh, the young lady
in the front.
411
00:17:13,799 --> 00:17:15,902
- Hi. Clara Godfrey,
412
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:18,337
heroic local school teacher--
- No, no, no! Don't call her!
413
00:17:18,404 --> 00:17:20,272
Peligrosa, peligrosa!
- No!
414
00:17:20,339 --> 00:17:22,709
Sorry, sorry,
the lady next to you.
415
00:17:22,775 --> 00:17:25,178
- Hmph!
- [chuckles]
416
00:17:25,244 --> 00:17:27,346
- Whew!
- [screams]
417
00:17:27,413 --> 00:17:30,250
- [grumbling]
418
00:17:30,317 --> 00:17:34,921
- No, Linda,
this is not a chew toy.
419
00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:36,256
[flames roaring]
420
00:17:36,323 --> 00:17:37,923
- Huh?
421
00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:39,826
- [groans]
422
00:17:40,492 --> 00:17:42,362
- Yes, thank you. I was
wondering,
423
00:17:42,429 --> 00:17:44,663
do you have
any new artwork to share?
424
00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:47,134
- Oh, why, I do, actually.
425
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,000
I brought along a little--
426
00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:50,903
- Nate, the owl and cat
are in the coop.
427
00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:52,505
I repeat, they are in the coop.
428
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:55,442
The only artwork we gave Wayne
is not gonna be a good look.
429
00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:58,345
Everybody, hello?
Is anybody there?
430
00:17:58,411 --> 00:17:59,711
- [groaning]
431
00:17:59,778 --> 00:18:00,846
What's the matter
with this thing?
432
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:02,749
Ooh, Dee Dee, come in.
433
00:18:02,815 --> 00:18:04,550
- Ah!
434
00:18:04,616 --> 00:18:06,185
[growls]
- [whimpers]
435
00:18:07,953 --> 00:18:10,190
- It's gotta be in here.
Oh, I found it.
436
00:18:10,257 --> 00:18:13,726
The Headmaster and the Cat Lady
in Tabby Temptation.
437
00:18:13,792 --> 00:18:16,061
[both gasp and growl]
438
00:18:16,128 --> 00:18:20,767
- We're too late!
439
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:26,306
- Well, I guess
that kinda went okay.
440
00:18:26,373 --> 00:18:28,540
- Hey, Mr. Canine!
[all gasp]
441
00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:30,809
- Oh, hi sweet--I mean,
442
00:18:30,876 --> 00:18:33,180
hello again, young lady.
- I just want to tell you,
443
00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:35,047
well, I mean you're
pretty much my idol
444
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,650
and I mean
I basically want to be you.
445
00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:40,287
- Oh, well, uh, I, uh--
446
00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:41,953
- Mr. Canine, are you okay?
447
00:18:42,020 --> 00:18:43,623
- No, no, no!
448
00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:45,758
- [stammering]
449
00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:47,594
I can't continue this charade.
450
00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:50,962
I'm a horrible person.
451
00:18:51,029 --> 00:18:53,500
Why didn't I stay in that well?
452
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:56,102
Ellen, it's me.
It's your father.
453
00:18:56,169 --> 00:18:58,738
- Dad?
454
00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:01,173
You big jerk!
- Ellen, please, stop!
455
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:04,644
- How could you do this to me?
[sobs]
456
00:19:04,711 --> 00:19:08,980
- Ellen, wait! I can explain!
457
00:19:10,717 --> 00:19:12,519
She's never gonna forgive me.
458
00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:14,186
- She was already a total
train wreck
459
00:19:14,253 --> 00:19:16,788
so it's a win-win.
460
00:19:16,855 --> 00:19:19,358
Oh, it's Ellen! Scatter, boys!
461
00:19:19,425 --> 00:19:21,528
[brakes screech]
462
00:19:23,895 --> 00:19:25,698
- Dude, your pops
just got kidnapped
463
00:19:25,765 --> 00:19:27,366
by a couple mascots.
464
00:19:27,433 --> 00:19:29,101
- Yeah, yeah, that's my bad.
465
00:19:29,167 --> 00:19:31,403
That totally wasn't Ellen.
- [roars]
466
00:19:31,471 --> 00:19:32,538
all: Dee Dee?
467
00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:33,940
- Need a ride?
468
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,942
- You bet your ferocious
jungle cat we do.
469
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:39,144
Now, after that
creepy abduction van!
470
00:19:39,211 --> 00:19:40,247
- [roars]
471
00:19:41,213 --> 00:19:43,349
- Ah!
472
00:19:43,415 --> 00:19:44,451
[ball pops and deflates]
473
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:46,018
[yelps]
474
00:19:47,619 --> 00:19:49,888
Please! I'll give you anything!
475
00:19:49,955 --> 00:19:51,958
Except money.
I don't have that.
476
00:19:52,023 --> 00:19:53,593
- [muffled]
Shut up and sit down.
477
00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:55,728
I'm gonna skewer you
like a kabob
478
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:57,364
if you don't answer
my questions.
479
00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:59,832
- Oh, um,
it's hard to hear you.
480
00:19:59,898 --> 00:20:02,301
I think because
of the crummy costumes.
481
00:20:04,103 --> 00:20:06,772
Oh! Oh, no!
482
00:20:06,838 --> 00:20:09,476
- How did you
infiltrate P.S. 38?
483
00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:11,042
- Who are you working for?
484
00:20:11,109 --> 00:20:13,480
- Say, aren't you
my kid's teachers?
485
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:15,382
[mustache tears]
[screams]
486
00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:16,449
[both gasp]
487
00:20:16,516 --> 00:20:17,916
both: Martin Wright?
488
00:20:17,983 --> 00:20:20,487
- I knew Nate was involved!
489
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:21,653
- Hey, when did she get here?
490
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:23,088
- I simply cannot believe
491
00:20:23,154 --> 00:20:24,990
you'd co-conspire
with your son.
492
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:27,926
- I'd do anything for my son!
493
00:20:27,993 --> 00:20:29,362
I think I stood up too fast.
494
00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:30,596
- [roars]
495
00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:31,530
- Wait, wait, wait,
don't hurt him!
496
00:20:31,597 --> 00:20:32,798
It's my fault.
497
00:20:32,865 --> 00:20:34,834
- Nobody's hurting anyone,
Nate.
498
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:37,169
Mr. Wright,
if you truly love your son,
499
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:40,239
then you'll understand that
he must be taught a lesson.
500
00:20:40,307 --> 00:20:41,673
- Prison?
501
00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:43,710
- You're gonna take my thumbs?
502
00:20:43,776 --> 00:20:45,644
- What? Goodness, no.
503
00:20:45,711 --> 00:20:48,047
- We've got something
better planned.
504
00:20:48,114 --> 00:20:51,584
It's called "The Pathetic
Love Life of Gnate."
505
00:20:51,651 --> 00:20:54,354
About a boy named Gnate,
with a G,
506
00:20:54,421 --> 00:20:58,691
who's in love with a girl
named GJenny, also with a G.
507
00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:03,229
And even though
they've barely ever spoken,
508
00:21:03,296 --> 00:21:07,366
Gnate somehow thinks
they belong together.
509
00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:09,234
- You wouldn't! I'd be a goner.
510
00:21:09,301 --> 00:21:11,738
Teased for the rest
of my middle school career.
511
00:21:11,804 --> 00:21:14,105
- It wouldn't be too nice
of her to borrow stories
512
00:21:14,173 --> 00:21:17,544
from your personal life
without consent, now would it?
513
00:21:17,609 --> 00:21:20,712
- [groans] No, it wouldn't.
514
00:21:20,779 --> 00:21:23,650
What I did was--it was wrong.
515
00:21:23,715 --> 00:21:25,652
I shouldn't have
exploited my family
516
00:21:25,718 --> 00:21:29,355
or my teachers
for my own personal gain.
517
00:21:29,422 --> 00:21:31,391
It was wrong, and I'm sorry.
518
00:21:31,458 --> 00:21:33,192
[ball pops and hisses]
519
00:21:33,259 --> 00:21:34,926
Ah! But you know what?
520
00:21:34,993 --> 00:21:37,063
I think I know a way
I can make this right.
521
00:21:41,166 --> 00:21:43,035
- You did the right thing
by donating
522
00:21:43,102 --> 00:21:44,770
all of your earnings
to the school.
523
00:21:44,836 --> 00:21:46,739
Guess that
imagination of yours paid off,
524
00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:48,775
didn't it, Nate?
- Whoo-hoo!
525
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:51,611
This doesn't change
anything, Nate!
526
00:21:51,677 --> 00:21:53,244
- [growling]
527
00:21:53,311 --> 00:21:55,582
- I think we got ourselves
a new mascot.
528
00:21:55,647 --> 00:21:58,183
- Linda is most welcome change.
529
00:21:59,885 --> 00:22:02,489
- Whoo, I'm free!
530
00:22:02,555 --> 00:22:04,624
- [shouting]
531
00:22:04,691 --> 00:22:05,857
[chuckles]
532
00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:11,096
- * Butt cheeks,
do-do-da do-do-do-da *
533
00:22:11,163 --> 00:22:13,532
* Butt cheeks, yeah *
534
00:22:13,599 --> 00:22:15,801
* Butt cheeks,
do-do-da-do-do-do-da *
535
00:22:15,867 --> 00:22:18,003
* Butt cheeks *
536
00:22:18,069 --> 00:22:20,406
* Butt cheeks, yeah *
537
00:22:20,472 --> 00:22:22,575
* Bu-u-u-utt *
538
00:22:22,642 --> 00:22:24,711
* Butt cheeks,
it's now or never *
539
00:22:24,777 --> 00:22:26,778
* Butt cheeks,
hold your legs together *
540
00:22:26,846 --> 00:22:28,815
* Butt cheeks,
in plaid or pleather *
541
00:22:28,881 --> 00:22:32,751
* Butt cheeks
make the way forever *
35689
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