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Ladies and gentlemen,

it is often said that applause
is meat and drink to an actor.

Thank you for a lovely meal.

You're a wonderful audience and I've
enjoyed my six months with you immensely.

Now, as most of you know,

tonight is my last appearance.

I've been fired.

And the reason I've been fired is not
because I do my job badly, which may be,

or that I've been drunk and disorderly,

which I sometimes am...

but because I've slept
with our leading lady.

Who also happens
to be the producer's wife.

Bring down the curtain!

And you know something?
It wasn't worth it!

Platform three,
calling at Leicester,

train to Chesterfield, Sheffield, Leeds...

Taxi!

- He's here!
- Yoohoo!

Stand by for a boarder!

Here he is, friends!
The working man's Orson Welles!

The oldest juvenile in the business!

What about a helping hand or two?

My doctor told me
to lift nothing heavier than a pint!

- Back to the darkness, Camden Town!
- Aha!

- The agent Prout!
- Ta-da!

- How are you, Chick?
- Fine! Grab the heavy stuff.

I won't carry that! Not for Peter Sellers!
I'll have that.

Do you live here?
How do we all fit in?

Oh, well. I was moving anyway.
Just for you!

Julian!

Don't let him fool you. He's setting up
house with those identical charmers.

- How are you, my old mate?
- It's great to see you.

How does he tell them apart?

That's what makes it interesting.

Lead on, Macduff!

Hello, tea leaf! Never speak to that girl.

Just covers the seat with tea leaves,
four times a day.

Oh, uh, remember to do that.
It gives the place character.

Looks as though it needs it.

Tea leaf strikes again!

Chick, meet Yvonne and Pauline.

Hello, Yvonne.

- I'm Pauline.
- I'm Yvonne.

Enough of this love talk!
Slaves, finish my packing.

Oh.

Chick!

Come and see our humble abode!

Where are my socks?
Who's moved my socks?

You put a pair of socks down
and they vanish.

- You're a lazy devil, Prout!
- It's nasty, but it's home.

It's nasty, all right!

- Now prove to me it's home.
- Huh-uh. Over there.

Voila!

Brilliant.

There's a marvelous view
of the treetops of Regents Park

- and seven dustbins.
- Ah! I can see the dustbins.

Two pounds a week is your share
of the rent, if you're staying.

I'm staying, mate!

I thought you liked it
as king of the repertory theaters.

I abdicated. Overthrown by the queen.

- That's a story I have to hear more of!
- You will!

Where do I hang my suit?

You mean the gray flannel suit
that we know and love so well?

- Over there.
- Yeah. Right.

Julian, I've decided to move on.

- While I still have my own teeth.
- I told you that years ago!

The only thing that matters is a fat
film contract and a full, rich life!

Well, you're not exactly there yet,
old darling.

I like this place. It's lucky.

What the hell was that?

Help! Help!

- So heavy!
- Mind the step!

- Careful!
- Okay!

Can you give us some help?

Thank you.

Don't play about with it, girls!
Get it in the taxi!

Shut up, Prout!

Go on! Get on with it!

Hey! Who's gonna take these?
I carried them all the way downstairs.

Hey, me boots! I forgot me boots.

Hey! Throw me boots down, will ya?

They smell like ripe Stilton!

Hey! Watch it!

I like ripe Stilton!

You would!

Whoops!

Cheerio!
Don't bother to change the sheets.

We never did!

Julian,

it begins to feel like home.

It isn't Park Lane, Chick,
but it's a roof.

Only just.

Oh!

Julian! Oh!

- Flipping Ada!
- Come on.

- Man the pumps, Mr. Christian!
- Oh, God!

Goosed!

Hey, they don't build houses
like they used to!

- Give us a hand, will ya?
- Give me those.

Ah! Enters the landlord!

The landlord?
You mean the ghost of Hamlet's father!

Okey-dokey.

The night... should have been
the death of me!

Lots of rain. They're complaining.

Good evening, tenants.

Only a couple of broken tiles.
I'll fix it in a minute.

Well, come on, mate! Come on! Come on!
I can't do this flamin' lot on me tod!

Whoa!

Residue.

- Get me some patches!
- Patches.

Patches, he wants.

Oh! Sufferin'...

- Oh, God!
- Hey!

- That was our breakfast!
- Well, it belongs to the ages now.

Thanks.

This is beyond a joke!

Gladys is with me
and the sheets are sopping wet!

Gladys, Mary, Joan.

He never puts off till tomorrow
anyone he can do today!

Chick, meet Theodore Littleton.
Otherwise known as...

- Theodore Littleton.
- Hello, Theodore Littleton.

- How do you do.
- He's a salesman.

He travels in ladies' underwear!

That must be nice for him.

A chap doesn't expect rain on the back
of his neck at a time like this!

Player may look like a moron,
but don't let that fool you.

He is a moron.

Got it.

I'll get the builders up in the spring.

It's gonna be a long winter!

Oh, sufferin'!

Exit the landlord.

Every bloody bone in me body's broke.

Hey, Gus.
Have you finished with the ladder?

We look like
a couple of method actors.

- Julian, if you please!
- I'm going out of my tiny mind.

This ruins the schedule!

You mean you've got a schedule
and a tiny mind?

Don't scoff too soon, old thing! Here.

Voila! The Baxter report,

on the behavior of producers,
casting directors,

and other influential people.

Well! Did they know
they were being followed?

Chick, while we're standing around here
waiting to get dried out,

we've already missed
the casting director at ATV

and Alfie Durand.
He goes over to the pub at 11.

Uh, it looks like Tommy Morris at 11:30.

- Which of these ties goes with this shirt?
- The dry one.

- Come on. Get cracking!
- Alright.

We mustn't miss Tommy Morris.

Let's see.
He'll get to his office at eleven o'clock.

Half an hour to go through his mail, etc.,
and then, at 11:30,

he has a cup of tea,

pats his secretary's bottom.

We made it.

Right on cue.

Tommy Morris's office.

One moment.

Hello?

- Christine, darling!
- Julian, darling!

- Meet Chick, darling.
- Hello, darling.

Don't be familiar.

All right. I'll go to 40.

But if you keep on putting up his money,
it'd be cheaper to get Dickie Burton.

Okay.

Agents!

Oh, Christine.
Get me the studio, will you?

Oh, I want you, Julian.
Yes. Friday, car park attendant.

Nice little cameo.

- Who's playing the lead?
- Do me a favor.

Nothing for you today, old man.

My friend might be old,
but he's still got his own teeth.

- Any other qualifications?
- One. I'm an actor, Mr. Morris.

With a flair for curtain speeches.

We'll send you the contract, Julian.

Goodbye, darling.

- Charming people you introduced me to.
- Car park attendant!

It's always the same story.

- What talent do you need to park a car?
- Well, it's work, mate.

I tell you, all I need is one good part.

- Take me to lunch and cry on my shoulder.
- Ha, ha, ha.

Julian, come here!
Look, I've been searching town for you.

Um, a large gin and tonic, if you insist.

- No, we don't.
- Frugalness will get you nowhere.

Jerry, five pints of bitter.

I fixed a very nice commercial television
for you on Friday.

- No, Friday I'm filming.
- Now he tells me!

There's no money in actors.
I work like a slave. They take 90%!

Cretin! What about my dad here?

- Chick! Chick, come here. Come on.
- Yup.

- Look, can you do a job on Friday?
- Friday or any day.

Marvelous! I'll fix it.

- Your career is in safe hands.
- I hope so.

Oh, that's a great reaction, Chick!

Hold it just like that
while I get us set up.

Yes! Oh, that's beautiful. Wide screen.

Now, Judy.

We go in on a close-up on you,
right in on the eyes.

Now, kids, dialogue.
Chick, you say, "Hello, Judy."

Hello, Judy.

Hello, Byrd.

- Now wait for the director, will you?
- Julian, get lost!

- What?
- Get lost.

- Yeah they should be shot.
- I agree.

Nobody told me you were back.

I thought you were at the playhouse
in York.

- What are you doing here?
- Resting.

What, by walking your feet off all day?

I haven't been in a show for months, Byrd.

All this pays the rent,
and the meals are free.

I like it. You're looking marvelous.

Flattery will get you...

Spaghetti. Come on.

Where are you living?

Paddington, Ronley Terrace, number 23.

- Come and have tea with me.
- Love to.

It's a nice room with a kitchen.

- I get off about five.
- All fixed, all fixed!

- You'll see them at 2:30, audition.
- Right, right. Thank you.

That's very good! I must remember that.

I don't want to be disloyal to a friend,

but old Julian can hustle all he likes,
he'll never make it.

He'll never be a star.
Hasn't got what it takes.

Why don't you tell him that?

Oh, oh, oh!

- Hello, mate!
- Oh, hello.

- Dullest actor in the business.
- Oh.

That's a very pretty girl
with the dullest actor in the business.

Oh, Genevieve?
She only goes to bed with stars.

- Another reason why I have to make it.
- That's fair enough.

- I'll have the steak, darling.
- You have to pay for the steak, darling.

Oh! I bring back
the great love of her life

and what's my reward? Spaghetti.

Julian, do you know something?

You may look like a bastard,
but you don't fool me.

You are a bastard.

- Would you read?
- Anytime.

- Mr. Byrd.
- Hmm?

- Would you be kind enough to read this?
- I'm sorry.

-"Success comes--"
- On cue.

Oh.

"Success comes with confidence,

and successful men
use the new White Wave razor,

a sign of prestige and confidence.

I like my shave to be with White Wave."

Oh. Oh, dear.

My feeling is that your reading
lacked conviction.

Conviction is everything.
Without it, we're lost.

Who writes this muck?

I do, Mr. Byrd!

- I write this "muck"!
- Well...

Good morning, sir.

- Chick!
- Jack!

Hello, my old love!

- Mr. Lavery, please?
- What are you up to, then?

- Chick, wait for me, will you?
- Right!

Hey! Psst! He writes it himself.

Good luck.

He said I convinced him.
He said conviction is everything.

Pfft. Ten thousand years of civilization,

and what have we got to show for it?
White Wave!

Did you get the work, Mr. Lavery?

Not today, Mrs. Mattoni.

Today I was... too tall.

Sandy!

Sandy!

Look who's here!

Hello, Sandy, love!

- Hello, Chick.
- For you, madame!

How much did you waste on these?

Oh, only a bob or two.

Thanks.

Sorry.

- We had another row. She'll come round.
- Ah.

And the kid's been kicking.

- Yeah. How long to go?
- A month.

Hmm.

- Well, sit down, Chick!
- Right!

- Hey!
- Oh, not this one!

- That'll give you a high-pitched voice.
- Do you mind?

So, things are quiet, eh?

- But there must be some work about.
- You're joking! Of course.

Don't bother Chick
with our problems now, love.

- It's marvelous to see you, mate!
- Yeah.

Did you tell him that you haven't
worked for three months?

- Since your walk-on in a television play?
- I told him it's been bad.

I've tried everything, Chick.

Except getting a proper job.

Oh, come on, Sandy.

He doesn't know any other job.
He's an actor! It's his trade!

I know all the arguments.

But if he's an actor, why doesn't he act
and bring home some money?

Not now, Sandy. Please.

I've got a case too, you know.

We're having a baby
and I can't afford a maternity dress.

The butcher saves me the cheap cuts
of mutton that other women won't buy.

Oh, Sandy, please.

Oh, you actors are a race apart!

You're supposed to be a friend of his.

Why don't you tell him it's a sad,
stupid joke and it's time he gave up?

Chick!

- Where can I call you?
- Hmm.

Julian Baxter's. He's putting me up.

Well...

Well, goodbye, Sandy.

Well, aren't you gonna stay
and talk about old times?

Right, Sandy. That's enough. Now, stop it.

- Well, you've got nothing else to do.
- All right!

I'll go out and get
a pick and shovel job in the morning!

I've heard that one before!

Look, I said I'd do it, and I will!

Is it a naughty night to swim in?

Put on the coals!

Bastard.

With fairest flowers while summer lasts,

I'll sweeten thy sad grave.

See how she comes,
apparell'd like the spring.

- You must be stinking.
- Guilty, my love, before the bar.

How many bars?

Oh, Salisbury, Bunch o' Grapes,
Wellington.

Sure. Give me your coat. You're wet.

This is no time to discuss my personality.

Coffee. Black, two sugars.

- And don't ask me how I remember.
- Ah.

Same old Judy.

- Same old Byrd.
- We're getting older.

Yes, it's beginning to show!

A line here, a sag there.

Same old Judy.

How did the audition go?

Oh, it turned out to be a commercial
for the telly.

"A White Wave shave is a white
good shave," or some bloody rubbish.

- And you weren't what they had in mind?
- You're so right!

I've missed you, love.

Dear Judy.

- Do you remember...
- All sorts of things.

Like, um...

Once upon a time, there were three bears.

And now the bastards are everywhere.

- Damn me.
- Hmm?

- Damn me.
- Why?

I've always been a pushover
with you, haven't I?

- Yeah. [scoffs] It isn't so.
- Oh.

Ever since a certain Sunday
that you won't even remember.

We were in Halifax.

We were doing Pygmalion,

and you were a very, very pretty Eliza.

Swine! [giggles] And full of tricks!

Hmm.

That was the season that Jack Lavery
joined the company, remember?

- You've seen him, have you?
- Mm.

My God, what a mess.

Those two ought never to have got married.

- I know your views on actors and marriage.
- Well, I'm consistent.

Yes, in some things.

I've been consistently
telling you for years.

You find yourself a nice-looking fella

and let him father your children.

We were talking about you.

Stop exposing yourself.
You'll make the neighbors randy.

Why don't you stop fooling around

and stop trying to dodge
a few home truths?

Oh!

It's gonna be that kind of a night, is it?

Well, is it?

Oh, no.

No, it's not gonna be
that kind of a night.

Come on, then, Judy, girl. Come on.

Out with it.

You were the actor that was going to play
all the real parts, for real actors.

Merchant of Venice, Death of a Salesman.

Oh, that kind of a night.

Well, look, you said those things
once to me! And I believed you!

You could've been something in those days.

Horse of a laugh!

- No laugh.
- Oh.

Let me.

Instead, you wasted years
racketing around.

As long as you had a drink
and somebody to go to bed with.

I like girls!

Let's face it,
there are very few of us left!

You'll play the funny man till the end.

Well, right now, I'm working
on a good exit line for my death scene.

- Come to think of it, for this scene too.
-"Goodnight" would do.

"Sorry I called" might be better!

You bloody fool!
Stop acting as if you were 25!

It's my favorite age!

Some of us try to play
25-year-old bloody fools all our lives!

Don't try and change me, Judy!

Hello, darling!

Hello there!

Ah!

Come with me to the casbah,
you strange, exotic thing!

Sixth time lucky.

- Gus! How's the leg?
- It's broke.

- Broke?
- No! [indistinct] The doctor say it's not,

but they haven't to flamin' well
walk on it!

I'll buy you a new one!

Dear lord! What are you doing?
Making us biscuits and tea?

Oh, don't mess about, Julian!
I've got Patricia down there!

You have?

Patricia!

- Yoohoo!
- Oh!

Shh! You idiot!

Chick, me old love!

How do you sell yourself
when you write to producers?

Oh, don't bother. They can't read!

Hold it! Tuck at your prayer mat.

Oh, don't knock it! Don't knock it!

- I've just had a screen test.
- What?

- What for?
- The African picture.

Alfie fixed it for me.

Alfie? Alfie and my quid!

Oh, really! At a time like this,
you have to talk about money!

- I need a drink.
- You'd better take it easy.

Easy?

It's between me and one other chap.
That very dull actor Vick!

Chick, this role could make me!

Well, were you any good?

I was lousy.

Well, let's face it. I was... I was scared!

No, I was terrible.

I fluffed a couple of lines,
and I had to light a cigarette,

the matches were wet,
and the door got stuck...

You really need that drink! Come on.

Are you crazy? I can't leave this place!
He said he'd call me back!

Well, if you were so terrible,
old darling, why wait for bad news?

I wasn't that terrible.

Oh, you jealous actors slay me!

Wait a minute! Hold it.

Don't appear too anxious.

Julian Baxter's residence.

Who?

Fred Harrison?

No, he moved out three years ago!
Get off the phone!

No, I'm so sorry.
Freddy doesn't live here anymore.

Can I help?

Yes. What name?

Oh!

- Schuster?
- Not that idiot! Get rid of him!

He used to do these animal impersonations
for my radio program.

- What is your name?
- Byrd.

- B-Y-R-D.
- B-Y-R-D.

- Byrd!
- Yes, Mr. Schuster. Byrd!

Maybe that's a good omen.

I can do animal noises too.
Now, let's see.

I can do... [chuckles] I can do a dog. Woof!

Or an Abyssinian goose.

Or perhaps a very old seal.

I say! That's very good!

Oh, no. I'm sorry, Mr. Shyster.
Uh, Mr. Schuster.

That one's booked for a zoo in Nairobi.

What are you trying to do to me?

Oh, right. Yes.
Well, goodbye, Mr. Schuster.

That was Mr. Schuster!

He wants a mid-Atlantic seal.

Wait!

Hello? Hello, Mr. Durand.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes, I could.

Well, sure. Thanks, Alfie.

I got it.

I got it.

I leave for Africa on Monday.

Flippin' Ada!

Shh! Quiet, chaps.
I've got Griselda with me.

Business.

Boots.

Camera.

And watch.

Well...

Friendly pawnbroker, eh?

I'm surprised you haven't got
three balls hanging outside.

I don't like to advertise.

- Have a good trip!
- You too!

Hey, send me a photograph
of your leading lady.

- Get the altogether.
- The altogether what?

Oh, you know what I mean! Bye!

Goodbye, tea leaf! Arrivederci!

Don't get too big-headed, mate!

I'll send you back a mud hut!

Then you can move out of here
and live in comfort!

Yeah!

Well...

Bring me back a leopard skin jockstrap.

Oh, and don't forget.
If you make Hollywood,

English butlers, I'm told,
are very fashionable, sir.

Stop sending me up, you bastard!

- Good luck, old love.
- Good luck, Chick.

God bless.

- Here.
- Huh? Oh, thanks.

You won't need that.

- I say, thespian! Your phone's ringing!
- Well, answer it!

I can't! Griselda!

Oh, my. See ya!

Hello? Yes?

Hey! What's all the heavy breathing?
Have you got a woman in there?

Oh, language!

Now, look. I can get you a day's filming
next week. Are you available?

I'm entirely available! What is it?

A nice little cameo. Character part.

Now, come on, fellas! Come on!
We haven't got much time! Come up here.

Put that one over there!

Now, come on!

All out! Come on, crowd!
We haven't got all day! Come on!

Come on! Hurry up, please!
Come on, please!

And take all your watches
and your rings off, please.

Come on. Hurry up!

Oh, dear.

Mind the step, Minihaha.

Thank you, Hiawatha.

Come on, girls! Please hurry up!
We haven't got all day!

Come. It's gonna rain soon!

Take that one!

Ken Hodges.

Bradley Smith.

What are you doing...

Ernie Dave.

Fay Trubshaw.

- Hey.
- Charles Byrd.

I ain't seen you around the studios.

You a registered crowd artist, mate?

No. Undertaker's assistant.

A day like this is worth a fortune to us.

Jack Smith.

Hold this.

All right, now!
Come on, crowd! In by the wigwams!

Now, two to a wigwam! Come on!

Madness!

- Come on. Turn around, dear.
- Sorry.

Hold that.

We've only got one
pair of feet. We're doing our best!

Come on, crowd. Come on.

Share my wigwam.

Is this an overture, Hiawatha?

- Fatherly gesture. Old Indian brave.
- Oh.

Indian brave isn't that old.

Here. You're a bleedin' actor.

- Naturally. What are you?
- I'm a shop steward and a crowd artist.

- Hau.
- We'll have to look into this.

We don't want any bleedin' actors knockin'
about. You're in the wrong union, mate.

Now, come on, Indians!
Get in your positions!

- Go on! Over there! Go on!
- Not me! We don't work with him!

- Why not?
- Well, why the hell not?

I'm from an enemy tribe.

Actors can't come in here
and take our bread and butter!

- This is crowd work!
- Now, look. We're not making Cleopatra.

- This is a TV film! Get back in position!
- This is a union matter!

If you don't get the shot soon,
you'll lose your light.

You've already lost your Indians!
All out, fellas! This set's black!

- Hey, no! Wait! Come back!
- What do you mean we've lost our Indians?

Somebody tell me what's going on!

All right. That's strike 2. Bring it in.

Hey, fellas!

Come on, fellas!
We're all in the same industry!

Now, come on, lads! We've got work to do!

What are you doing in this soap opera?

- Trying to be an actress.
- This isn't acting.

- This is paying the rent.
- Come on! What now?

- Well, why do you do it?
- I'm an aging actor. I need the work.

- You're deprecating yourself.
- Depre...

I see money's been spent
on your education.

Look, let's be friendly now!

- Let's all pull together!
- Let's all pull together.

Mike!

- We'll sort this out later.
- We'll sort this out later.

Looks like a scalping party.

Well? Enjoy your powwow?

We'll see to you later, mate.

Let's go. Let's get this shot!

- Everyone in their positions now!
- Everyone in their positions!

- Everyone quiet for rehearsal!
- Everyone quiet for rehearsal!

- Now we'll try a take.
- Now we'll try a take.

- Okay. Stand by for a take.
- Okay. Stand by for a take.

- Kip. Herbie?
- Herbie.

- Turn over.
- Turn over.

- Shut up!
- Shut--

Indians on set, 37th take.

Go! Go!

Hey, fellas!

Fellas!

- Come back!
- Come back, fellas!

I've never been here before.

Are they all actors?

Pick out the ones making their pint last
the whole evening. They're the actors.

Don't drink it, love. Sip it.

- Am I a love?
- Most definitely.

Do you think I have
a go-to-bed look about me?

Is that why you asked me
to have a drink with you?

Oh, my... my dear boy.

It is, uh, Chick Byrd, isn't it?

You may remember me. Rutherford Thomas.

- It must be, what, five years?
- Ruthy Thomas, yes. How are you?

Miss Fay Trubshaw,
this is Rutherford Thomas.

- How do you do.
- Delighted. Well, I shan't interrupt.

- Oh, goodnight, Ruthy.
- Goodnight.

- Are you working, dear boy?
- No.

- We've just done a day's filming.
- Oh. Fortunate people!

Mine is a Guinness.

What are you, staying with friends
in town, dear boy?

No. I'm in a sort of flat.

Oh. Hm-mm. I, uh...

I seem to remember that I'm
in your debt for a trifling amount.

If you'll give me your address,
I'll send you a postal order next week.

- Well, Prout can always find me.
- Oh.

One and a penny, please.

- One and a penny.
- Hmm?

- Oh, yes.
- Oh, I'll get it.

You know, you got the last round.

- Here you are.
- Thank you, dear.

- That's very kind of you.
- You're very welcome.

Cheers.

- Someone you know?
- Vaguely.

- I'll attend to that matter, dear boy.
- Oh, that's all right, Ruthy.

Someone you know?

Is she one of your go-to-bed loves?

Trubshaw, your mind
is in need of an airing.

Indian brave who looks
down front of squaw's blouse

shouldn't talk about other people's minds.

- An old habit of my youth. I apologize.
- Noted.

Hey! Put that girl down!

She may be a virgin!

Suddenly, the beer tastes of agents.
The black at midnight ten-percenters.

Thanks for the cameo.

What are you moaning about? It was work.

- Where's my commission?
- Yeah.

Voila.

You can't insult me, Chick.
I'm too ignorant!

Anyway, I brought friends.

- Jack! Come out!
- Jack?

- Jack, me old mate!
- Chick!

How are you?

- It's a great night for a son!
- It's a boy?

Goddamn right, it's a boy!

Just a minute.

Excuse me, all you fellows!

Hey!

Stop talking about yourselves
for a minute!

Quiet!

I have just become a father.

- And... And...
- Come on, gentlemen, please.

And tomorrow, I'm going to go out
and get a job.

And to hell with this lousy profession!

Come on, old chum. I'll buy you a drink.

Come on.

Whoa!

We'll take him out to the car.

My Chick Byrd connects to the public
with a poetical backside, eh?

Prout, you're from the positive
lower depths!

Every man to his own cut of the joint, eh?

Watch it! Watch it!

Hey, Chick.

- Are we going to a party?
- Oh, not you, my love.

I've got to go look after Dad.

- Hey, Chick!
- All right, I'm coming!

Good luck in that rep, little shrimp.
Keep your eyes open

and your blouse buttoned, okay?
See you sometime.

Goodbye.

Go on! Get out of the way!

- Ow!
- Hey, go on.

Hey, I live down in a flippin' room!
What about his door-to-door stop?

You're lucky you're not walking,
you old bum!

- All right. Thanks for the ride!
- Bye!

God bless. Lovely party!

Hello?

This is the early bird,
lately known as the worm.

- You're drunk.
- It's the drunk call.

Who was that man I saw you with tonight?

Don't tell me now.
Tell me when I get there.

If you're feeling amorous, Byrd,
try some other number.

I've got company.

Oh. It's like that, is it?

Go to hell.

Not my night.

But I wrote, twice.

Yes, Byrd.

B-Y-R-D.

What? Oh.

All right. Well, never mind.
Just tell him I called.

Yes. Thank you kindly.

Those damn stairs!

Well, Ruthy.

It looks as though you're in transit.

Well, it, uh, it occurred to me
that you might be glad of company.

Did it?

Only two or three days at the outside,

as a dear friend of mine has asked me
to stay with him at Brighton.

- Does the ceiling leak?
- Only when it rains.

Put the kettle on. There's a dear boy.

Dear boy, perhaps.

Slave, never. The kettle's that-a-way.

Oh. And the meter needs a shilling.

It's positively Siberian.

Something should be done about that draft.

It's a filthy day.
I shouldn't venture out.

I have to.

The roof may leak,
but I'd like to keep it over my head.

Dear boy,
I thought you were doing famously!

Two days' work in two months,
if you can call that a success.

Oh, well. These things are sent to try us.

Yes.

And Ruthy?

Remember the old proverb.

"After three days, guests, like fish,
begin to stink."

Hey, Chick! I've saved a place for you.

Ah! Splendid, splendid.

I've been telling this ignorant lot they
can't make us take jobs we don't want.

I mean, we are actors.
They've got to give us acting jobs.

Quite right too, Skippy.
You leave it to me.

- Next, please.
- Good morning, sir!

- Are we keeping well?
- Oh, Mr. Byrd.

- How are we?
- We're very well indeed, thank you.

And we're going to be a lot better
in a moment, aren't we?

Yes. They want boilermakers
in Shepherd's Bush.

And lumberjacks in St. John's Wood.
Sixty-seven and sixpence, please.

They want thatched roofs in Swiss Cottage.

And lawn mowers at Holland Park.

- Dog walker's assistant?
- Sixty-seven and sixpence.

- Factory worker.
- Albert Finney's done it already.

Don't bother to open the box.
I'll take the money.

A word of advice, if I may, Mr. Byrd.

You would do well to think of tomorrow.

Mr. Merryweather, I promise
I'll think about it... tomorrow.

Sixty-seven and six, please.

Taxi!

Sixty-seven and six, please.

Ah, Mr. Skippy.

Now, I have got something for you, sir.

Uh... There we are.

Right. Here.

Jack! How are you, mate?
I was gonna call you.

He wants a Scouser for a small part
in a picture next week.

- Try your luck.
- Right. Well, wait for me.

I'm sure something could be arranged.

I'm afraid I haven't had very much
experience, Mr. Morris.

With a figure like that, dear,
you don't need experience.

Why don't you wait in there, huh?

There's nothing today, old man.

Well, the grapevine has it that you're
looking for a Scouser, Mr. Morris.

So? You weren't born in Liverpool.

What's that got to do with it?
I know the accent.

Sorry, old man. I like the real thing.

I wanted a Mongolian last week.
I found one.

In the gents' in Leicester Square.

Don't keep her waiting, old man.

Somebody'll swing for that berk one day.

- Where are you going?
- Shearsby Avenue.

Interview for a film part
I'm not going to get.

How's Sandy?

- Well, you know.
- And the baby?

Bloody marvelous pair of lungs.

Hey, you look dead beat.
What have you been up to?

Working as a night porter
at Paddington Station.

If Tommy Morris was casting porters,
I'd be the real thing.

Here, look.

For the boy. I never did get round
to buying him a bonnet.

Come on. Take it!
Don't be so bloody difficult!

Where's your watch?

- Being mended.
- So, put it away.

Look, Jack.

We've both been actors
all our working lives.

You're looking at 40. I've seen it.
And we're skint.

But that's the way it's always been!

We didn't join this business
for checkbooks and suburban gardens.

A year from now,
we'll have our names up in lights.

You're a good actor. You'll make it.

Don't you give me that crap.

Hey, come on!

Alas, poor Yorick!

Comfortable?

It's a bit rowdy here, boy.

Yes. The radio prophecies
a white Christmas.

Things are a bit tight at the moment.

At the, uh, Public Assistance,
I was obliged to say

that you were charging me rent.
Oh. Well, two guineas a week.

Thanks for letting me know.

Oh, I nearly forgot.
Uh, there was a message.

Your friend Prout

wants to know if you'll be free
Christmas week.

Sounds like work, dear boy!

Time to visit the third floor!
Toy fair on the third floor!

Visit the toy fair on the third floor!

That'll do. That'll do.
That'll do.

That'll do, yes. That'll do.

Now, watch it! Watch it!

Careful now.

Okay, mate. Clear out.

Watch the little bastards. It's murder.

Cuts through me like a knife!

This mania of yours for fresh air
will be the death of me!

Oh, I'm not complaining, dear boy,

but eggs and bacon

is strange Christmas fare,
wouldn't you say?

Not what you've been used to.

In my great days,

I had as many as 50 guests
to spend the Yuletide season.

Now, I'm an old man.

Outside, the world is celebrating,

and you and I are garroted

in this third-floor stable.

Well, I like this place.

It's a sieve that lets in the wind
and the rain.

I've just about had a bellyful
of you, Ruthy.

Goodwill to all men.

I know. It comes but once a year.

I suppose I ought to wait
till tomorrow to say this.

I'm just about sick to death
of you lying in bed,

your complaints, and this room
looking like a junk shop!

So much for friendship.

You were never a friend of mine, Ruthy.

You're an acquaintance,

who's done nothing to find a job
since he's been here!

We've all got to stand
on our own two feet,

and if a man can't win,
at least he can have a bloody good go.

It comes as no surprise, dear boy.

I felt the chill wind of discontent

for some days.

You better leave here shortly.

Because if you call me "dear boy"
just once more,

so help me,

I'll crack you across your venerable
old head with a cook hammer.

I put him in pictures,

told the world he'd be a star.

- Yes, I remember.
- Does he call me now he's back?

Oh, I despise actors!

Prout, look. I need work badly.

Isn't there any chance of a job?
A real job, anywhere?

Well, what about a temporary job?

You know, I've got some very good
connections outside of the profession.

It's a pity you haven't got
a few more inside.

No more temporary jobs.
No more feathers or beards. They're out!

The only thing I have to sell is whatever
small talent I may have as an actor.

But Gus Sloppitt's crying for his rent!
After all, the man has a case.

In my day, Gus had to wait his turn.
Don't spoil him.

Thanks, Prout.

You've been a great help.

I didn't have to be in this racket!

I could've owned a sweet shop in Strettle!

No comment.

I don't know how you live, Mr. Byrd.
Really, I don't.

That makes two of us.

Never do for me, your sort of lot.

How long is it since you've worked?

Christmas.

I couldn't do it, Mr. Byrd.

I like things regular.
I like to know where I stand.

Steady pay packet, pension scheme,
nice little house.

- Semi-detached.
- Mortgaged?

Be paid off by the time I leave here.

That's what I call achievement, Mr. Byrd.

Something to be proud of, in my opinion.

Summer holidays, regular.

I always go to Bournemouth,

fourth week of July, rain or fine,

and it's usually fine in Bournemouth.

If I worked a week here and a week there,
I'd never get to Bournemouth,

and I regard that time
as the highlight of the year, Mr. Byrd.

Well, if we all thought like you did,
Mr. Merryweather,

you'd never get into Bournemouth,
would you?

It's a nice place, Bournemouth.
The air's so invigorating.

I put me back out!

You put yourself out too, I see!

It wasn't that I was absconding, dear boy,

and the matter of the rent
will be attended to.

Shall I hold the taxi for you?

No. No, thank you.
I have my own mode of transport.

Thank you, dear boy.

Tut, tut!

Thank you.

Hurry, dear boy!

Conductor, would you stow
my traps, please?

- Ruthy, if you've nowhere to go--
- But I have, dear boy.

Train's at St. John's Wood.

In the summer, I shall go to Brighton.

Thank you. Take that.

My final advice to you is to get out
of that death trap as soon as possible.

- All fares now, cap
- Thank you, conductor.

A fond farewell.

- Gus?
- Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!

Hello!

Haven't you paid the electric light bill?

I owe them 20 quid and they can't get
blood out of a stone.

But why don't you cough up?
You owe me four weeks Saturday.

Because I'm skint through feeding
that nymphomaniac gas meter of yours!

- It's insatiable!
- Who's insatiable?

Hello?

Take care of your own meter.

Why don't you give up
this acting lark

before you end up permanent
in that poor house?

Oh, get lost!

Not yet old enough for a man

nor young enough for a boy.

Ring, you bastard, ring!

I'm sorry. I don't want
any encyclopedias today.

It's obviously late
and inconvenient, madam.

- I'll call again tomorrow.
- Don't be a fool. Come in.

- Silly question. Have you eaten?
- Breakfast.

- Three days ago.
- All right.

Pour us both out a sherry
if you can stand it.

- You're in luck. I'm cooking a steak.
- Hey, what about that!

There's a lot of room at the bottom,
isn't there?

I have 142 letters to prove it.

You spent too long in small companies
choosing the parts you wanted to play.

Maybe.

It's enough of a jungle down here
when you're 20 or 30.

At 40, it gets to be something else,
doesn't it?

I'll tell you what it gets to be.

A fatal time when you have to get a job,
and it shows.

You carry your failure around with you,
here, on your shoulder,

like a small black ape.

You try to pretend it isn't there.
But they know and you know.

In the end, it defeats you.

And you go after work,
knowing you're not going to get it.

Nothing feigns like faith.

I could even say "White Wave Razor"
with conviction now.

But nobody's asking.

- It's been a long winter, Chick.
- Aye.

Winter of my discontent.

You're slipping, chum.

Your quotes aren't even funny anymore.

Come on.

Ah!

All right?

I should have married you years ago.

Correction.

Still the comedy man.

Silly question number two.

- Have you got any money?
- Well, that is a bloody silly question.

- Then, will you do something for me?
- Like what?

Like let me lend you some.

Laugh line coming up.
I never take money from a woman.

I'm Judy, remember?

I...

I ought to be protesting.

Just don't take a lot of blankets.

Blankets!

Those were the days.

Jack.

Why...

Go away, Chick.

Sandy.

I came round to see if there was
anything I could do to help.

You've done enough.

You and all the others like you.

If he'd taken a proper job years ago,
this would never have happened.

He was an actor, Sandy!

So you always told him.

And you were the one he listened to.

Look.

- Sandy, I've got a few quid.
- Go away, will you?

For the boy.

I'm gonna take him to my parents'.

Bring him up to lead a normal life.

We'll be all right.

Well, is there anything I can do to help?

You and Tommy Morris.

Everyone wants to help now!

She don't cry until that man ring up

and have a job for Mr. Lavery.

God. When?

Couple of hours ago.

She don't cry until then.

Please, you go now.

Where do you think you're going?

Yes, old man?

You offered Jack Lavery
a job this morning.

Terrible thing, that. Sad for his wife.

Has the part been taken yet?

You're quick off the mark.

Somebody's going to get the job.
Why not me?

You don't even know yet
what the job is, old man.

I may not be a genuine Mongolian
from the lavatory in Leicester Square,

but I'll play anything else
you have to offer.

Anything?

I'll take the part you had for Jack.

What I had for Jack
was a commercial.

- Have you got Tony Robbins yet?
- Not yet, Mr. Morris.

- Shall I try him?
- No. Hang on a moment.

I seem to remember that you used to
throw up at the idea of commercials.

I've got a stronger stomach now.

Running into a storm front, skipper!

- We'll have to lose height!
- No, Tom. We're going up and over.

Full revs and boosts. Sylvia?

- Warn the passengers. We'll ride it out.
- Right, skipper.

Here we go.

Well, we're over.

- Your controls, Tom.
- Nice work, skipper.

- Honey Breath?
- Ah!

Thanks, Sylvia.

My crew agrees with me.

Honey Breath is the new taste sensation
that keeps your breath sweet and pure.

I've got a date in New York...

thanks to Honey Breath.

Cut! Print it.

Print it! Save the rain.

I'm sorry, Jack.

Well, that's it, then.

- All right. See you then. Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

Ah, spot on, Chick. I liked it.

Nice to have a real actor on one of these.
Makes a change!

Thank you.

- One watch, one ring.
- Oh.

One watch, one ring.

- Two pounds.
- Thank you.

- Uh... Say, thespian.
- Hm-mm.

- Who's the smasher you've got upstairs?
- What?

Whoa!

What are you doing here?

You're supposed to say hello.

All right. Hello.

Hello.

Having got that over with,
what are you doing here?

- Sorry. I thought that--
- Now wait a minute, shrimp.

You just can't walk into
an Englishman's castle

and expect him to greet you
with open arms, now, can you?

Can't I?

At least we could talk about it
over a cup of tea,

if this is an Englishman's castle.

Are you sure you can make a cup of tea?

Beautifully.

- Hello.
- Hm? Oh, my dear boy!

And Miss Trubshaw, isn't it?

- That's right.
- Hello, Ruthy. How are things?

Oh, infinitely better.
I'm with the BBC Repertory.

- Allow me to buy you a drink.
- Eh?

I believe you prefer brandy, my boy?

- Well, yes. Brandy.
- You, my dear?

Oh.
I'll have a gin and tonic, please.

Gin and tonic.

Oh, yes. There's just one other matter.

The rest will follow.

That's two long shots in one day.

- The day isn't over yet.
- Really?

Good grief! Will you put that away?

Keep the change.

God bless, my dears.

Well, I must away
to my chums in the corner.

Thank you very much for the drink,
Mr. Thomas.

Uh, yes. Good health, Ruthy.
And about the rest of the money...

Well, we'll call it square.

Dear boy! You're too kind.

This is ridiculous, shrimp!

- Do you always travel with a toothbrush?
- No.

Never before.

That's what I thought.

Are you embarrassed because I'm a virgin?

Will you shut up?

Well, Joan of Arc was a virgin,
and look what happened to her!

I can't make up my mind
whether you're an innocent abroad

or a thousand years old.

I'm a thousand years old.

I haven't had the initiative taken from me

since I was wrestled onto the sofa
by a leading lady at the age of 15.

- Well, how old are you now?
- Thirty.

- Forty-one.
- Well...

When you're 81, I'll be 60.

I'll drink to that.

Are we going?

Out of here.

- Are you taking me to bed and breakfast?
- Speak up. They didn't all hear you.

- Oh. Are you taking me--
- Come on.

- Chick?
- Mmm?

We ought to start learning things
about one another.

Oh. Okay, rapidly...

That's not what I meant.

Stop that! I'm ticklish!

You see? One thing I've found out already.

Seriously.
Have you any strong political views

or strange religious beliefs?

Only belief that we live and work
in a skittle alley world, little shrimp,

peopled by lunatics.

Well, they're not so lunatic
if they want you to work for them.

I've read your press cuttings.

Any man who believes
his own press cuttings is an idiot.

I'll bet even you
had good notices in that rep.

- But I deserved them!
- Oh...

Have you always been an actor?

Ever since
I walked in the rain as a boy,

spouting Henry V to get rid
of a Norfolk dialect.

But why?

That's the big question.

Don't you know the answer?

There are hundreds of answers.

I love the power one has
to control people's emotions.

I love the courage of actors,

the fear they hide
with ridiculous conceits.

I love the comradeship, the humor.

Oh, my God! How I love that humor.

We're a wicked bunch of bastards,

but we're not smug,

and not many of us are hypocrites.

Cue for violins.

Oh? No violins?

All right. I'll change the subject.

What books do you read?

Hey! You're a right little interrogator!

No books. Playboy magazine.

What about music?

-Underneath the Arches, Flanagan & Allen.
- Ah. Art?

Uh... Picasso's blue period.

It's, uh, more surrealistic
than his later Cubist work.

Eh?

Don't worry, shrimp. This isn't going
to be an intellectual relationship.

That's good.

Morning, thespian.

Oh, really, thespian?
Look at the state of this place!

If we're both gonna
share this kitchen amicably,

you must do your share
of the washing up as well.

And you've been at my tea again!

Actors.

Vagabonds, more like.

Good morning.

...fellowship of the Holy Ghost

be with us all

evermore.

Amen.

Chick.

Thank you for coming.

Out...

Out, brief candle.

Life's but a walking shadow,

a poor player that struts and frets
his hour upon the stage

and then is heard no more.

It is a tale told by an idiot,

full of sound and fury,

signifying nothing.

Thank you. We'll let you know.
Next, please!

I will do an abbreviated speech
from Cyrano de Bergerac.

Your secretary telephoned.
She said you wanted to see me.

- Are you casting for a play?
- I'm just helping out, old man.

No.

The agency called.

They have exciting news for you. They've
offered 26 Honey Breath commercials.

Commercials?

Honey Breath. They pay very good money,
my dear Chick.

Oh, not this, old man. It's not for you.

Call around at the office after lunch.

Have a look at this, won't you?

Shall I scratch the back
of every swine that puts up gold for me,

tickle the horns of Mammon
with my left hand

whilst the right, too proud
to know his owner's doing,

takes in the fee?

No, thank you.

Shall I use the fire God has given me
to burn incense all day long

under the nose of wood and stone?

No, thank you.

Calculate, scheme, be afraid,

seek introductions, favors, influences?

No, I thank you, and again, I thank you!

But...

to sing, to laugh...

- I'm sorry. I've tried.
- That's all right. Carry on.

- To sing, to laugh, to dream...
- To sing, to laugh...

- To walk in my own way and be alone.
- ...walk in my own way and be alone.

- Free,
- Free,

with an eye to see things
as they really are.

Yet...

- with all modesty to say...
- Yet with all modesty...

- my soul be satisfied with flowers,
- to say my soul

- with fruit, with weeds, even.
- satisfied with flowers, with fruit...

But gather them in the one garden

you may call your own.

"The Water Skier," take one!

♪ Honey Breath, Honey Breath
Don't forget your Honey Breath ♪

♪ Life will be sweeter
With Honey Breath! ♪

Cut!

All right. Print it!

Thanks, chaps.

One of these days,
I'll take up this flipping sport.

♪ Life will be sweeter
With Honey Breath! ♪

Oh!

Saboteur!

You shouldn't come
sneaking up on me like that.

- Do you like it?
- Smashing.

- Have you had a good day?
- Big day.

I've just signed to do
26 Honey Breath commercials.

Chick!

How marvelous!

Uh... You know, when Tommy Morris rang,
I knew it was something special!

Special?

They pay fabulously!

You're pleased, aren't you?

Yes, I'm pleased.

Oh, uh...

I was wondering if you were home, thespian.

Could I borrow a cup of sugar?

Help yourself.

You actors have a marvelous time,
don't you? Still resting, are you?

No, I'm working.

Oh? Comedy or drama?

Farce.

Honey Breath number six,
"The Compartment", take one!

♪ Honey Breath, Honey Breath
Don't forget your Honey Breath ♪

♪ Life will be sweeter
With Honey Breath! ♪

I say, is that a Honey Breath?

Mind if I take two?

One for later.

Nowadays, people on my train talk to me,

thanks to Honey Breath.

Cut! Chick, what's wrong?

I've swallowed the bloody thing!

♪ Honey Breath, Honey Breath
Don't forget your Honey Breath ♪

En garde!

♪ Life will be sweeter
With Honey Breath! ♪

Touché, for Honey Breath!

En garde!

♪ Life will be sweeter
With Honey Breath! ♪

Thanks, Mr. Honey Breath.

Thanks, Wally.

- There's fame for you.
- Eh?

Oh.

One gambling debt, repaid.

Gambling debt?

Well, it was a gamble
if you'd ever get it back or not.

Oh.

This has an air of finality about it.

Judy.

I've decided to do you a favor.

I'm not going to call you anymore.

You'd have to call long distance.

Hmm?

I'm joining the rep in Wolverhampton.

Wasn't it you who once said it's better
to be on a stage, no matter how small,

than sitting around coffee bars in London?

You think I've made a right old mess
of things, don't you?

Yes.

Same old Judy.

Not the same old Byrd.

Hey, Chick. You want me
to bring a bottle on Saturday?

No, Skippy, old love.
Just your illustrious company.

Honey Breath will supply the liquor.

Well, I'll drink heartily!

- See you at Chick's party, Judy?
- I haven't been asked.

- I'm asking you.
- Don't, love.

Excuse me.

In all the goodbye scenes
I've ever played,

somebody always mentions the word "love".

All right. You've just mentioned it.

Damn you, Judy!

What do you want me to say?
That you finally made it?

For heaven's sake!
For years, I was a first-rate failure!

Yeah.

And now you're a second-rate success.

♪ Let's twist again
Like we did last summer... ♪

♪ Come on, let's twist again ♪

Like we did last year... ♪

Did you ever play the rear part of a horse

with a character up front
who never stops eating onions?

If the fellow up front eats onions,
imagine what it's like in the back!

You're welcome, Bob.
You're welcome, old love.

Hi, Jenny.

I say, thespian. How do I look?

Theo, you'll slay 'em!

Cary Grant, move over!

Here I come!

What about that man?

- He said, "I don't care what..."
- Don't you see, my lovely,

- I could do so much for Chick!
- And you did.

I remember.

They get into the money
and abandon their friends.

I despise actors!

Well, your favorite despicable actor
will be here tonight, in person.

If you mean Julian,

I don't want to be pitchy,
but he doesn't screen well.

His nose is bent.

- Why don't you tell him that?
- Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Come on!

Come on, everybody! Clap your hands... ♪

Hey.

I say, did you hear what one Chinese
stamp collector said to the other one?

No. Did you?

He said, "You are the greatest
Chinese stamp collector in the world!"

And the other
Chinese stamp collector said,

"Flattely will get you nowhere."

Tommy, darling!

Well, how would I know? Don't ask me!

How are your glasses, twins?
Come on, my lovelies.

Get your Champagne here.

I tell you, it's the new sliced bread...

All right, you old girl? Flying tonight?

- Full revs and boosts!
- My girl!

I want to talk to you, Chick.

All right.
See you in a moment, Tommy.

Oh, hello!

- Whose little girl are you?
- I'm Chick's little girl.

Oh.

With a figure like yours, dear,

- you don't need experience.
- Really?

Why don't you come around
to the office and see me sometime?

Oh, Mr. Morris, I'd just love to!

- Would you like to dance?
- Oh, yes, please.

- Two.
- So sorry, sir.

Thank you.

Two great big gins, please.

Four great big gins, yes.

What kind of a party is this, honey?

An old pal's party, honey.

- Do we have to stay long?
- No.

There's only one old pal I have to see.

This here... is a rock!

You see?
You're surrounded by the raging ocean!

Come on up.

There we are!

Oh! Beg your pardon!

Now then. It's a matter of life and death
and you're terrified!

Oh, I'm feeling it, darling!

Show it!

Show it, darling! The water's rising!

- Motivate.
- Oh!

That girl has a real compulsion
to take her clothes off.

What's that for, baby?

The water's rising, darling.

This is a new dress.
I don't want to get it soaked, do I?

- My God! There's Julian!
- Keep things realistic.

- Julian!
- Well! Hi, kids!

My favorite actor!

- How's business?
- Terrible!

- Chick!
- Hello, Julian.

Hi, Chick. It's great to see you again.

- Well,
- Yeah!

What have you done to this place?
You'll have Sloppitt raising your rent!

I can afford it.

- See? I told you this place was lucky.
- Hm.

Come and have a drink.

You're his co-star,
aren't you, Miss Kennedy?

He used to live here, you know.
We were great friends.

I used to be his pawn broker!

Oh, blow.

I, uh...

I would've called you, Chick,
but so much has been happening.

Fabulous!
I'll have a film next year in Greece!

Hi. Oh, and a fabulous offer
from the States.

Chick, we never knew
what it was all about.

- It's... Really, it's... it's...
- Fabulous.

Darling, thousands of years ago,
you asked for my telephone number.

Well, come and tell me
your telephone number.

Marvelous party, Chick!

I think I must be getting tight!

- Do you want to dance?
- Do you get amorous when you're tight?

Ever play the rear half of an elephant
when the other fellow keeps eating onions?

I rather fancy that pop it with Julian,
old man. I think it can be arranged.

- You wanted to talk to me, Tommy?
- Oh, yes. I've got good news for you.

- What?
- I'd get to the party.

The Honey Breath people want another 26,

and I told them okay, at double the money!

- Oh, no!
- Well, how does that sound?

- Absolutely marvelous!
- Why didn't you bring her? I like her!

Tommy, for pity's sake,
I want to work as an actor!

Can't you get me a play?

Aren't tenants auditioning
or Sherrick or something?

Oh, everybody wants to play King Lear.

- But that's peanuts!
- No more peanuts for my Chick!

Yes, you listen to her, old man!
She's smart!

Come on, darling. Smile! It's a party!

Now, come on!

Did you hear what one black bird said
to the other black bird?

- No. Did you?
-"Read any good rooks lately?"

Did you hear about the cruel farmer who
milked his cows without cutting his nails?

Had no thought for udders.

Of course I'd love to audition.

I think every young actress should
be prepared to do almost anything.

- Oh! Sorry, Chick.
- My fault, Jerry.

I was in the way.

I'll call you.

Don't forget.

It's under my husband's name.

Ambitious young actresses.

Well, that's show business.

- How is it to be treated like royalty?
- You know something?

I like it!

Do you need a drink, sir?

No, thanks. I have one.

You need a great, big drink.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- Are you having fun?
- Hello, Byrd.

Hello!

That's showbiz.

You said that before.

Actors and actresses!
Everybody!

For that dramatic piece,

The Death of Nelson!

- My God, he's away!
- I should play Hardy. Harry!

Harry, you're the admirable.

You're Nelson.

Right. Now, then. The scene...

That's Napoleon, you big nit!

Now the scene is the deck of the Victory

during the Battle of Trafalgar.

Nelson is fatally wounded,

hit by a musket ball.

I shall make the sound
of the bullet that hit Nelson, Harry,

and you sing to the deck

and speak your line.

- Kiss me--
- Wait for the cue, Harry!

Right. Now...

And cue!

Bang, bang!

Stop!

Boom!

Boom.

Shh!

Kiss me, partner.

Kiss my ass.

I'm next in line for Admiral!

I'm ready to go now.

- So am I.
- Well, goodbye, old pal.

Goodbye, old pal.

Oh, uh, Chick.

I may look like a phony,
but don't let that fool you.

I am a phony.

You're about to be a big star.

That's what you wanted.
That's what you got.

What have you got?

Welcome to the club.

I'll get you!

Excuse me.

No, I think Henrietta's a lovely name.

Don't!

Here you are, old timer.

- Three months' rent in advance.
- Thank you, Chick.

I always knew you were a payer, mate.

When are you gonna break up that party?

The party's over, Gus.

Chick?

Oh, no.

Chick!

Euston.

Chick!

Chick, where are you going?

There's a small rep company in the North
looking for a leading man.

- Which one?
- I don't know.

There's always a small rep company
in the North looking for a leading man.

Do you usually say goodbye like this?

Only when the dialogue's
going to be difficult.

Please don't go.

You know the rules, shrimp.
Always exit laughing!

Who's laughing?

I love you.

In a goodbye scene, nobody should
ever mention the word "love".

What should they say?

"Goodbye."

Goodbye.

Chick.

I'll be thinking of you when...

I'm 60 and you're 81.

I'll drink to that, little shrimp.
Let's hope we both make it.